Blooming Outside the Lines

In this episode I examine the use of the words “and” and “but” and how their use in a sentence changes the meaning and can affect our self-worth and relationships with others. I discuss how “and” is inclusive and helps us stay in the middle in relationships and in a balanced emotional brain state, and allows for differences—for me to be me and you to be you, and for us to maintain connectio...

Most of us are concerned about what others think of us. This is normal and necessary for healthy relationships and when those opinions start to determine who we are and how we move through the world, not so much. In this episode, I explore another belief related to the connection between worth and others' reactions—the belief that sameness equals love. I share examples of this and ideas for bringing new information into this ...

Do you worry that if you start prioritizing your needs or voicing your opinions, that you will become a selfish or self-centered person? This is a fear I have heard expressed over the years as women worked to separate their worth from others’ approval. In this episode, I explore possible origins of this fear and the importance of being in the middle, the place of both/and, when communicating our needs and voicing our opinions...

Life can sure take us on unexpected journeys—some rewarding and others incredibly painful. Facing those unforeseen circumstances was the subject of a blog post I wrote years ago—a post inspired by a letter to the Dear Abby column and published in the Bozeman Daily Chronicle. In the letter, Emily Perl Kingsley shares her experience of giving birth to a child with special needs. In this episode, I reflect on how the autho...

Do you find yourself repeatedly caught up in trying to explain yourself and end up feeling let down, or maybe uncared for when your explanations fallon deaf ears? In this episode, I examine the connection between gaining understanding and feeling okay or worthy, the connection between sameness and love, as well as strategies to begin separating your worth from the responses of others.

To learn more from Deb,

¨    Visit her ...

For many of us, it's hard to move from using others' opinions as the yardstick for what to do and how to feel to trusting our own wisdom.  In this episode, I share two tools or concepts that may help you bridge that gap—the concept of Entelechy and the idea of connecting with your wisest self. I also share a guided meditation that provides an opportunity for you to practice using these tools.

If you enjoyed this meditatio...

What if you realized your fear of being good enough was actually someone else’s fear? Would it help you to let it go? In this episode, I discuss inherited fears, how old fears remain alive and well when isolated in the brain, and how, instead of fearing being enough, we need to work on recognizing the pressure we feel to be enough as an outdated, inherited fear.   

Link to episode with study of mice and cherry blosso...

Do you find yourself struggling with a fear of not being good enough? If so, you are certainly not alone. In this episode, I explore

• whether we have an end-goal when we talk about being good enough.
• whether “good enough” actually exists or instead is a relic from the past.
• how we might tap into our women’s wisdom to heal this fear of not being good enough and the constant striving that accompanies it.

To lear...

In my last episode I introduced appeasing and disconnecting and our tendency to swing back and forth between the two. In this episode, I begin looking at how we can change that pattern by examining the belief that we are responsible for how others feel. I share

• how common this belief is—even our language supports it.
• why it is so difficult to change.
• why this belief doesn’t make sense based on the functioning of the br...

Do you say “yes” to coffee even when you don’t have the time, or do you worry about saying “no” for fear the person will no longer approve of you? In this episode I tackle the struggle that so many of us face: how to hold on to what we need while in relationships. I introduce

• the entangled intimacy style I noticed over the years in working with women.
• the continuum, with appeasing at one end and disc...

In my episode, “Stress: the surprising link to higher performance and a more meaningful life,”I shared research supporting a shift in how we perceive anxiety. In this episode I talk about how to make that shift. I share,

• how anxiety is like a blanket. 
• how peering under the blanket gives us the information we need to deal with our anxiety.
• strategies for dealing with mobilization in the body, to feel more confiden...

Would you leave a baby with a wet diaper, miserable and crying, until you have time off? Probably not. Explore how your nervous system is like a baby, and putting off self-care is the equivalent of doing just that, leaving a baby unattended or with a wet diaper. In this episode I share 

• quick tools for calming your nervous system. 
• ideas for remembering to check in on your needs.
• using imagery as mental rehearsal for dev...

Most of us believe that stress is bad for us and anxiety something to be feared or avoided. In my last episode I explored misconceptions about anxiety that leave us fearing it. In this episode, I share

• a look at research supporting how embracing anxiety and stress can benefit our performance.
• how our view of stress affects our physiology and whether experiencing that stress will be detrimental or life-enhancing. 
• how stress i...

It’s hard to miss the message that stress is bad for us. We are bombarded with messages about how to deal with stress and to be less anxious. Because of this, it is hard to imagine that anxiety serves a purpose. In this episode, I share 

• what anxiety actually is and the purpose it serves.
• how our attempts to control our symptoms signal the nervous system to increase the symptoms we are trying to control. 
• how we of...

What if the fears you face today are echoes of those who came before you? In this episode, I explore epigenetics and its potential implications for our struggle to believe we have done enough. In it I share,

• how one generation's fears are carried forward to future generations.
• why being appealing and chosen may be linked with survival.
• how feeling never enough may be more a reflection of our genetic heritage than the reality of ou...

Do painful feelings seem like something you would rather avoid? Or maybe when you feel them, they end up swamping you, and you get stuck in them. In this episode, I explore

• why as women we often struggle identifying our feelings.
• how when our feelings haven’t been acknowledged we can lose trust in our instincts.
• how to use feelings to identify needs, learn who you are, and what is important to you.
• a plan for learning how to ...

Do you wonder if what you do will ever be enough—if you will be enough? If so, you’re not alone. I encountered that belief so often while working with women in therapy that I wrote a book about it. And although it happens less often than it used to, I was right back in it this past week. Rather than pretending that it didn’t happen, in this episode, I share reflections on spinning in feelings of never enough, incl...

Life can sure be stressful. It’s easy to get overwhelmed and feel trapped by our emotions. In this episode, I share ways to benefit from feelings and strategies to avoid getting overwhelmed by them. I explore 

• the disadvantages of identifying with feelings.
• the role all feelings play in self-care.
• how looking for a wide range of feelings can bring relief and answers.
• using rewarding feelings to balance painful feelings.
<...

Do you avoid mirrors and cringe when you see yourself in one? In this episode I share what body image is, and isn’t, and how this knowledge can help you heal your relationship with the mirror. In it, I share

• how images are formed in the brain.
• what determines the images that are formed.
• how our beliefs and fears influence what we see in the mirror and consequently our body image.
• that to improve our body image, we need to wor...