August 27, 2025 • 43 mins
Marriage and business make for a volatile mix, as Sy and Sara Kirby candidly reveal in this vulnerable exploration of conflict communication and emotional safety. After nearly a decade of working side-by-side in their blue-collar business, they've weathered storms that would sink many relationships – and emerged with hard-won wisdom about keeping both enterprises afloat.
The couple pulls back the curtain on their evolution from "loud and fast" arguments in early marriage to more methodical disagreements now, sharing how they've created systems that work for their opposite communication styles. Sy, the emotional pursuer who wants to resolve issues immediately, has learned to give space to Sara, who needs time to process before engaging. Their bathroom has become neutral territory for these crucial conversations, away from kids and distractions.
What makes this episode particularly valuable is their practical approach to preventing work-home bleedthrough. "When you work with your spouse," Sara explains, "all the problems at home are still problems when you go to the office, and all the problems at work are still problems at home." Their solution? Creating dedicated spaces where business talk is off-limits, allowing them to fully engage as spouses and parents.
Perhaps most powerfully, they share their weekly "marriage calendar check" strategy and challenge listeners to use the "pause button" technique during heated moments. By acknowledging that feelings are never wrong while recognizing that emotions can lead you down unhelpful paths, they've developed a framework for resolving conflicts without destroying what matters most.
Whether you work with your spouse or simply struggle with keeping work stress from damaging your relationship, this raw, honest conversation offers both comfort and practical tools to strengthen your connection during life's inevitable conflicts.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
Hey guys, welcome to the Blue Collar Business Podcast
, where we discuss the realest,rawest, most relevant stories
and strategies behind buildingevery corner of a blue collar
business.
I'm your host, cy Kirby, and Iwant to help you in what it took
me trial and error and a wholelot of money to learn the
information that no one in thisindustry is willing to share.
(00:32):
Welcome back to another episodeof the Blue Collar Business
Podcast.
Guys, and brought to you andsponsored today by
PodcastVideoscom, loving thisdate night series that we've
been bringing you guys, and fromall the messages and emails
that I've had just from the,rather the first episode, I
think that was the the bestepisode, uh, out of these four
(00:55):
part, but um, we've got partthree coming at you today on
conflict communication andemotional safety.
Here we we go again, boys andgirls.
So if you're running a business, working long hours, maybe even
working with your spouse, youknow how easy it is for your
marriage and your relationshipto take a quick backseat to
everything else that's going onaround you.
(01:17):
Guys, kids, it could be work.
If you work together, it couldbe just about anything, but
we're carving out some time here, no distractions, just me and
my beautiful lady over thereacross the table, just honest
talk about the stuff thatmatters most and that's intimacy
, time, communication and,ultimately, our future.
(01:39):
With that said, today's episodeis all about really circled
around conflict andcommunication, and other words,
how to handle disagreementswithout wrecking your marriage
for the work date.
So let's get into it.
And the last last coupleepisodes we kind of did this
appetizer first course, secondcourse, dessert and in that
(02:02):
dessert we kind of give you guysa challenge and hopefully that
you know you guys are gettingsome value out of this.
So, um, furthermore, mala Bear,thanks for joining me today.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
I'm excited to be here.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
Yeah, the the amount of emails so honestly that I got
was astounding and the amountof people that and I really put
myself out there as you guyswatched me squirm and Sarah
loved it, she was just like oh,all these cool questions, and
here I'm over here and I'm likeyeah.
(02:35):
So I'm glad we're past part oneand part two, but part three
today is talking about thearguments that we get in at home
, the arguments we get in atwork bring home, or arguments
that we have at home bring towork, and how do you find ways
to separate them and what do wedo to combat those arguments.
(02:56):
After almost a decade in heretogether doing this, it's been
an extreme challenge up to thispoint, but we have learned.
Number one, each other, butnumber two truly tried to find
ways to make it different thanwhat it was before, because it
was rough at one point, andwe're gonna talk about all that
(03:18):
today, guys.
So, furthermore, first questionMama, let's get into this.
What are some of the dumbestarguments we've ever had as a
couple?
Speaker 2 (03:30):
That's hard one, because I feel like I don't know
if I can give any examples, butno, I mean like, but I feel
like when we were first married,we had really dumb arguments
Like over, just like thesilliest stuff, like over, just
like the silliest stuff.
And I would say those becauseas we've progressed through this
, we've just kind of likelearned each other and like
(03:54):
we've grown as people, and so Idon't know if I have like any
like actual examples of likewhen did we argue about
something really dumb?
Speaker 1 (04:05):
I will tell you, young marriage and young
business is not a good combo.
And it's to your point, it'sthe silliest things, that I want
to be right and you want to beright, and that's, I think, more
or less.
Instead of just taking abackseat and going, oh nope,
this is her world, I shouldprobably turn my ears in, rather
(04:26):
than just assume that I knowhow she's feeling, or assume
that this is the way the kidsare feeling, et cetera.
How about you ask homeboy, butin terms of tables here, there's
a lot of things that you do notunderstand why.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
I'm like meh, you know about it.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
And I think it takes.
I think we've learned to goback and forth and see that I'm
upsetting her.
I don't know why.
Hey, what did I just saysomething?
How did you just take that?
But the dumb, silly arguments Ithink just in young marriage
like I think we're just.
I've got to be this macho manand I'm going to prove I'm right
(05:07):
every single time.
And one thing about Sarah guys,I'll let you in on she's
hardhead.
She's maybe a slightly bit ofstubborn, but, honestly, a trait
of a great quality leader is tobe hardheaded and keep pushing
(05:27):
through.
But you've got to be able toset that aside when you need to
learn too, and that's been hardfor both of us.
But, I've learned some hardlessons there.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
Yeah, but I think that we've kind of also learned
that like communicating witheach other.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
Communication sure does help.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
It's our little jingle.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
It's our little jingle, it's my little jingle
when I'm looking at her I'm likethis is really dumb what we're
fighting about.
Just talk to me.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
And that's typically like what it is.
It's like the silly things thatwe've just let past story about
shouldn't be, but we didn'tcommunicate.
Like, hey, when you said this,the way that you said, it got
under my skin.
Like those are the things thatI think that are dumb.
Like you know, it's not reallynecessarily like a topic but
(06:14):
it's just those like sillythings that in passing you will
say something like under yourbreath or oh my gosh, there's
like clutter everywhere or youknow whatever like around the
house and I'm like what do youmean?
I've been at home with the kidsfor the last two months and
like I can't clean up anythingwithout 50 other things getting
taken out.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
And you don't mean it that way, but I take it that
way and because I'm not like hey, yeah, hurt my feelings, I'm
going to jump on that trainbecause I think some of the
dumbest arguments that I believethat we create and honestly it
can still happen to this day instressful moments is that I can
(06:56):
literally give a face.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
No.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
It makes me so mad.
I'm like, and it may besomething about my thought
process from Tuesday, threeweeks ago, in that moment, but
Sarah can say something and Ican make a face and she just
automatically assumes exactlyhow I feel how I've been, how
I've been for the last six hoursand what I was worried about my
(07:23):
next task.
Like I can just make a face andand then, if I it's not, I gotta
say when I see fight, we don't.
Oh, we've had our knockdowndrag outs over 11 years.
Everybody, everybody, has nextmonth's 11 years, by the way,
sweet.
Like yes but, honestly, we havefigured out how to chisel into a
(07:44):
communication that even in thehardest moments, we we still
figure out how to actually talkto each other.
But those are the some of thedumbest arguments that we don't
even get to communicate.
And we already just and I'vedone it too absolutely by your
body language, I just assume,because you're not like super
vibrant but this is exactly howI feel.
(08:06):
Here's my heart, like yourhusband is, and actually I know
we're just still here on thisappetizer here but I'm probably
more the emotional one.
You guys heard that in part one, part two, and I teared.
Yeah, saw me tear up a coupletimes, but normally I am the
more emotional one.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
It's just how I'm wired and um so would you say
that you are um the one thatcarries more of the feelings
inside and then doesn't want itout, or that was me.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
Well, I think we both do it in our own ways.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
We both carry different burdens for each other
.
I agree.
Mental burdens and like, let'sbe honest, here we've put
ourselves in positions inbusiness because we didn't want
to share this or that to start afight.
We'll get into that a littlebit more here in the show.
(09:04):
But like, no, I agree, wedidn't want to share this or
that to start a fight, and we'llget into that a little bit more
here in the show.
But like, no, I agree, I agree,and you know, would you say,
I'm going to fire this one rightback at you.
Mama, would you say we tend tofight or argue loud, fast, or
more quiet, methodical, slow,and has that changed over the
(09:27):
years?
Speaker 2 (09:28):
Oh yeah, I would say the first part of our marriage
was loud and fast, Like yeah,and you know, I feel like we
both didn't understand that weare creating a life together,
(09:48):
and that means that there's twoimperfect people that are trying
to figure out how to move inlife together, simultaneously.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
And trying to be perfect for one another.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Yeah, yes, and then we would just explode and then,
and then once, like it opened up, it was just chaos, right.
And then now I feel like we aremuch more methodical on
disagreements.
Like we, there's appropriateand inappropriate times to state
(10:28):
your feelings and frustrationsand aggravations, and so I feel
like now it's like a slow buildto our disagreements, and I
wouldn't even say that they'relike we fight, like we don't.
We don't have fights where,like I would typically say, we
(10:49):
fight, we just havedisagreements, but they're much
more level-headed now than whenwe first got married, you know.
Speaker 1 (11:03):
And we know how to listen, how you want to be
listened to.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
Yeah, and me as well.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
Yes, Because we, it's funny, the one part of
communication you know, well,you don't say enough.
Well, that's one struggle.
But there's also a part ofcommunication where you don't
listen enough.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
And I failed at that.
I could say yeah.
Because I'm over here on thebusiness track, business track,
business track, business track.
How can you not see howimportant this is?
And you're over here, familytrack, family track, family
track, business, family track,family.
You know jumping, and so am I.
No-transcript Back to ourburdens and our shelves.
(11:42):
Mental shelves is you havemental shelves on the family
side and I have mental shelveson the business side and we both
need to take them off the shelfand present them every once in
a while, so we can avoid beforethe shelf explodes.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
Exactly Well, and I think that people often hear
communication and they thinklike, okay, that's me
communicating something to myspouse, but in communication
there's really two parts of it,and if you don't listen with
open ears because it's notalways necessarily what you are
(12:18):
saying that I'm hearing, with onthe forefront, you know what I
mean.
Like I have to like actuallylisten to not only the words
that you say, but like you knowthe meaning behind them, the
context.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
And delivery.
Speaker 2 (12:37):
You know what I mean?
Yeah, and that sometimeschanges what you are trying to
tell me.
You know.
And if I don't do that, then Ialso think environment is
another one.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
And that kind of leads us into the first course
of the day.
You're starting us off here,yes, but environment is so huge
in communication I can tell youone thing, and there's three
kids screaming around us, butthis is so important I got to
get it off my chest.
You're looking at me like Ican't even think right now.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
I'm not listening to anything that you have to say.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Baby crying and you know I've had to learn that.
But go ahead, mo.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
Well, have you ever carried a work argument home or
a home argument to the job site,and how did it affect your day?
Speaker 1 (13:33):
Oh, I can't stand when we're at each other's
throats and I'm probably thequicker one to apologize because
I can't get anything done, justbecause it's so much easier for
me just to apologize, and evenif I don't even know what's
transpired.
But it definitely drasticallyaffects who I am and what I'm
(13:56):
doing throughout the day, how Ideal with problems, how quick I
can deal with the guys, how Ican deal with customers, how I
talk to customers I can dealwith the guys, how I can deal
with customers, how I talk tocustomers, because it will
always hold, and I think this iswhere people kind of screw up
is that you're always going, youand the kids will always hold
that first position in my head,always, even throughout the day,
(14:18):
the times that I'm thinking.
I may not be acting on things,but the things I'm thinking of
is, you know that, that firstposition of family, well, the
first position is a big manabove, but secondly would be all
of you guys and then, of course, the business.
But I also need to show thatwithin my actions.
And, um, I can tell you there'sall the time like not all the
(14:45):
time, but like in the morningssomething you'll say or
something's a little off putting.
It's just because you'refocused on your half of the day
and I'm over here, focused on myhalf of the day, but I need you
for a piece of my puzzle overhere and you're not listening to
me, and so that can absolutelyaffect my day, because then I'm
(15:06):
playing like I don't want topoke at you, but I also need you
to listen to what I'm saying,or vice versa, on this side of
the table hey, no, I told youabout the kids is whatever it's
on your calendar, as long asit's on my calendar, I've never
missed hardly anything with ourkids.
But if something were to comeup, a dentist appointment, say
(15:27):
and I thought you were headingto the office and I've told you
about the dentist appointment.
We've talked about it.
It's on your calendar.
I'm like how dumb dude youweren't listening.
And that's where I check myselfbecause I'm like, hey, where
are you at in your priorities?
It's always a constant thingwith myself because I've lived
(15:49):
the life of doing marriage andbusiness without having your
priorities in line and reallychecking myself on my side of
the table.
But I can tell you it's not asbad.
I can.
Big things at work, financialpressures, purchases, uh, future
(16:10):
decisions those will weigh onme heavy, as you know, but it's.
It's not because it's somethingyou know that for me and you,
it's for all the other livesthat are attached to us that I'm
really worried about.
But that worry carries over.
I mean so I can't say anythingnecessarily.
(16:33):
It's taken me over the yearslike this engineer or this guy
or all those minute problems ofpeople not out externally, not
doing their jobs, that impedesour jobs, all the
uncontrollables.
I don't carry that near as hard.
I can shut that off.
It's the big decisions up atthe top in the executive area
(16:57):
that I carry and weigh on me sohard because I just don't want
to make the wrong decision, butall stress is is unmade
decisions.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:08):
And I try to shed those take five, 10 minutes
there.
I talked about that in episodetwo.
Five, 10 minutes out in thatdriveway means a lot, and but I
know mama's in there ready forher break.
And so you need to do a littleswitch, flip flop and man, it's
(17:30):
taken me almost a decade tofigure that out and I'm still
not the best at it.
I struggle hard with it, butI'm way better than what I was.
Um, baby number three hasdefinitely helped with that.
There's no doubt about that old, old baby K.
But yeah, you as well.
You're going to be right aroundthe same answer, I would assume
.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
Yeah, and I mean when we're not like in the same
stratosphere, when we're not.
Speaker 1 (17:58):
Oh, stratosphere above the atmosphere.
You heard that, guys, we're noteven in atmospheres.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
Yeah, well, I mean, there's times we're not even in
atmospheres.
yeah well, I mean there's, we'renot running down the same track
yeah sometimes we're runninginto each other yeah, like I
mean, when we're not at leasttrying to orbit the same common
goal, um, then it.
It's crazy.
I can't like function, I can'tthink, like the kids are like
(18:25):
mom, I just need lunch, and I'mlike I can't focus because we're
not.
We're not where we need to be.
You know what I mean.
And so it definitely impacts myand it's hard because when
you're working with your spouse,it affects everything.
(18:46):
Like there is not a time thatyou know.
Typically, if you don't workwith your spouse, you will go
home and they try to tell youabout your day and they have to
like, explain the like workatmosphere.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
Let me tell you what Sallyally, did because she's
cousins with brian from hr yeah,like I mean like it's like a
whole thing.
Speaker 2 (19:13):
But when you work with your spouse, it is like all
of the problems that are athome are still the problems when
you go into the office and whenyou are at home, all the
problems at work are still thesame problems and it's so easy
(19:34):
to just take those problems fromlike one place to the other
place, to the other place andyou like let it all bleed
together and that's why it's solike important and you used to
get so mad at me.
I'm like I need dedicated time.
That is not PsyCon.
Like I need you to shut offPsyCon and be at home and I
(19:55):
promise that when I'm in theoffice I will do the same for
PsyCon, because you needed thatfrom me because I wasn't able to
put the kids aside and focus onPsyCon.
But coming to that agreementand like understanding that like
I cannot talk about PsyCon 24-7.
I cannot do it.
And like when you're in workmode and me being like hey,
(20:20):
Sadie needs to do this artproject and we need to get, like
you in sequence and you're likeI don't give a crap, like get
out of here with that.
Like I'm worried about likegravel, getting to a job,
locations, getting called inlike I'm worried about engineer
problems.
You are being crazy, but it'slike just figuring out but I
(20:41):
care about Sadie's face when thefeathers are all in sequence
because her mama took her timeto make sure the arts and crafts
yeah no, and I'm like, hey, Icare when a job gets finished
and people are like, hey,attaboy, you did great,
everything went off without ahitch, and it's because the time
they put in, and I completelyunderstand that.
But it's just going throughlife and understanding, getting
(21:03):
to a place that we could saylike, hey, here is work and
we're going to shut off homelife, and here is home life and
we're going to shut off work,and us both being dedicated to
doing that.
That has helped us tremendouslybe able to continue to live
(21:26):
happily as a married couple,because that's what would be
sacrificed if we didn't come toan agreement on that and we both
figured out that that's whatwe're sacrificing, and then
figured out it wasn't worth ityeah, absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
What are the most common triggers for our
disagreements and arguments?
Would you say money, parentingor work decisions or just
overall future plans?
Speaker 2 (21:56):
I would say it depends on the season of life
that we're in Is when is likehas been different triggers.
You know what I mean.
And so it's like when we werenew parents, parenting was a
trigger.
Um, you know like, depending onwhere we're at within the
business financially, that maybe a trigger like future plans.
(22:17):
It just really like I wouldn'tsay that there is like a
specific trigger.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
I don't think so either.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
I think that it's like 100% the season of life
that we're in, and I want to.
What is crazy I feel like it isthe lack of where we lacked in
communication in the previousseason is the trigger for the
current season.
So, if we lacked incommunication financially in the
(22:48):
last season of our life.
In this season of our life, ourtrigger is finances.
If we didn't communicate aboutyou know our future goals, then
we're not on the same page.
And so it's like the more thatyou and I can be collectively on
the same page, communicating,working towards the same common
(23:09):
goal, we have less triggers.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
To fight Fellas, let me talk to you for just a second
.
That means a little bit moreout of you.
You can't just hey, this iswhat we're all going to do.
We're going to buy this machine, hire these people, get this
truck, get this trailer, andthen they're just going to go
out and make money, and this ishow it's going to all be done.
And then we're going to getpaid here and you ready, no,
(23:34):
she's going to look at me and gono, I need to see what's the
contract.
When are we actually gettingpaid?
What's it say on the paper, Notjust what some Joe Blow told you
.
Hey, you're talking aboutbuying equipment.
What kind of numbers do we gotin our estimate before we go and
lease or purchase or anythingfor this contract?
Hey, did we not put some rentalrates?
(23:57):
I mean, she's going to ask meso many questions, me so many
questions.
So to avoid that and to avoidthe confusion in what you're
trying to get across to thetable, because you're going to
sit there and go wait a minute,do you not trust me?
Because you're married and thatalready builds distrust.
But she's just doing her joband I'm just doing my job, but
(24:19):
automatically we look at eachother and go, wait a minute.
You don't trust what I got tosay, but it's not that, it's not
that and you need to.
The sooner you realize that,the sooner you realize that
she's asking those questionsbecause she loves you so much
and she wants to make sure thatwe are making the correct
decision.
Yeah, there's sometimes wellmore chances than not that Cy's
(24:42):
going to get a freaking fieryhair in his plan.
Let's go buy some dump trucks.
Mama.
And she looked at me, supportedme the whole way, but also was
very quick to tell me that theseare going to be expensive to
keep on the road drivers.
And you know I should havelistened more, I should have
penciled that a lot more.
(25:03):
And you know I should havelistened more, I should have
penciled that a lot more.
And you know we had a couple ofhires go bad on that specific
deal, obviously, but it's herenor there.
It starts at the table ofcommunication where, yeah, you
may be the visionary Heck dude,the roles may be reversed.
I said fellas, primarily you'rethe ones running the business,
but it may be roles reversed.
I said fellas, primarily you'rethe ones running the business,
(25:23):
but it may be roles reversed.
And you know you have tocommunicate on a language that
each other's love languagesspeak.
Yeah, and we are totalopposites.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
In our love languages .
I'm a physical touch, words ofaffirmation and mama bear, you
would be.
Speaker 2 (25:45):
I don't know.
We need to re-read that book.
Speaker 1 (25:51):
But if there was opposites, as far from that as
you can get, that's my wife.
But for some reason oppositesattract.
But it's been fun trulyFrustrating as hell, but it has
been a fun chase figuring outthis safe, guarded walled,
(26:13):
defensive guns pointed at alltimes, and be able to truly love
you enough to pull down brickfor brick and get in there.
And but when you do get inthere, fellas, you got to
understand that you're in thereand it just takes one second
You're kicked out of the safeand the walls go right back up
and you're back to it.
And so you've really got towatch your P's and Q's when
(26:38):
you're in there.
But, man, you got in there andand I know that may sound a
little crazy, but honestly, mostof the time that's the man.
We've got these walls and we'reall hard and bruised and man,
just drop them walls.
Talk to each other, find outeach side of the table's goals
(26:58):
out of the conversation.
Talk about the tough stuff,talk about the good stuff, but
bring where I was going withthat It'd be a lot easier to
push across the table.
Hey, babe, here's our estimate.
Here's these machines I'mtalking about.
There's the lease agreements.
This is the money.
This is the estimate, this isthis, this is that, no gravel,
(27:19):
whatever the case may be, andreally lay it out for Sarah and
she'll go oh that's a no-brainer.
What are we doing?
Let's go.
But on this side of the table Idon't need none of that.
I do at this point in the game,there's no doubt about it, and
I always review and do ananalysis and blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah.
But I am definitely a quickdraw, mcgraw, you know.
Speaker 2 (27:42):
Yes, I know, I know, I know A pub show.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
Oh man.
So we've kind of got throughthe meat and potatoes here.
But finishing up, who is thepursuer and who is the
withdrawer in conflict, and whenone of us is ready to talk and
the other one isn't, how do wehandle it without making it
worse?
Speaker 2 (28:06):
So you are the pursuer and I am the
withdrawaler.
Um, I will avoid, avoid, avoid,avoid, avoid.
And you are like let's figureit out right now, right this
second.
I don't care what is happeningin life or around us, in our
surroundings, we're figuring itout, we're doing doing it now
and I'm like I'm just gonna siton it, I'm gonna feel my
(28:27):
emotions, I'm gonna let it likesimmer a little bit, get super,
super hot, until I'm gonnaexplode on you, and then it all
is gonna come out.
That's 100% facts.
Speaker 1 (28:38):
So unhealthy baby.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
But you know, I would say, through the years we've,
I've, I have come to realizethat that's not the best thing
for a marriage or business orfamily.
Um, but still it doesn't makeit yeah yeah, but still, you are
the pursuer and I'm I am theavoider.
Speaker 1 (29:03):
Withdrawaler I wouldn't 100.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
I don't think that's ever going to change either, I
think just from natural borntendencies yeah get out of my
head, don't finish my sentenceswere you like married to me or
something for 10 years?
Speaker 1 (29:18):
yeah, I got you, but um, yes, he does, but those, yes
, you got me tendencies.
Speaker 2 (29:25):
No, it was just funny how you did that, but you're
absolutely right but as far aslike the how do we handle it
when one person's ready to talkand one person's not ready to
talk, I would say that you knowwe in the beginning of a
(29:47):
relationship, we will just blow,blow up and it's like we're
going to talk right now, whetherit was you or me, like we
always just it's going to happen.
And now it's much more of likehey, we call them our bathroom
talks because it's like theplace that the kids are not.
We have a larger masterbathroom.
It's not like we're like sittinghere on the bathroom floor In a
(30:09):
half bath yeah like they're,like sitting in it on the back
they're saying they're going fora tornado drill.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
No, we we have double vanities on the other side,
where I stand in front of mystands and runners and we sit
there and talk.
Yeah, it's like neutral ground.
Speaker 2 (30:23):
It's weird no, it is, but it may a lot of businesses
in there?
yeah, we have, but it's like ourwar zone.
You know what I mean.
It's like.
It's like our I would, Iwouldn't say war zone, like no,
that's that's where we like,that's our like safe place that
we laid out you know what I meanand there's not, and typically,
like that's where we will endup.
(30:45):
You know what I mean.
Like, if there's something thatwe need to talk about, I will
come and find you and we willhash out.
If I'm you know, I'm standingin the bathroom getting ready
and there's something we need tohash out, like typically you'll
come find me.
Speaker 1 (31:01):
I am the pursuer you know.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
But you know I think I think it's taken us a long
time to get to that place.
You know what I mean Becauseit's like, but you've also come
to a place that you know.
If I'm not ready to go to thatvulnerable place or I'm not
ready to like disclose, open upabout it, you will give me time
and space to like get there.
(31:25):
It's not that you let me avoidit.
Like you're still kind of likeyo, we need to touch base back
on this, like we're going to,we're going to come back to it,
but like you know, you don'tforce, force the hand, you know,
cause that I will just shutdown, I won't talk to you.
Speaker 1 (31:41):
Yeah, I had to.
Definitely those natural borntendencies.
That's where I was going with.
That is, I am a hardcorepursuer.
But we wouldn't be where we arewithout that natural born trait
that I do have.
But I do have to wind that backa little bit to be an effective
(32:03):
deliverer of information.
If you're going to retain anyof it, you're right.
If I just hammer down on you,it's instant shutdown.
Just like I was talking aboutthose walls.
You get kicked right out of thesafe.
There's no vulnerability, it'sI ain't talking to you, it's
stupid move.
Like I got things to do, it'sjust an immediate.
I'm just saying I didn't.
(32:25):
You are not painting me paintingme like I am not an abusive
wife like I, you are not ummental every once in a while but
it's a total joke.
But um, you know how we havefound so many ways.
I can't say that I'm sorry.
(32:47):
Um, we haven't found many waysto turn disagreements into
productive conversations,especially when we're talking
about business we haven't founda lot of ways where I'm going
with.
That is sorry.
We kill the disagreement prettyquickly yeah, and at first we
(33:08):
would circle the problem justnon-stop and just go around and
around and around and aroundabout the freaking problem.
Speaker 2 (33:14):
Yeah, and whose fault it was and why we got there and
how and we got appointed outlike it's some type of
competition that you did worsethan I did, or vice versa.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
And it's so unhealthy .
Yeah, but once you startfiguring out that, okay, we have
a problem, and it's a problemthat we both have in the middle
of this table, let's circle theproblem together, find out why
we got there, how we got here,put that to bed.
Okay.
What do you have options onyour side of the table?
(33:45):
What options do I have on myside of the table?
Speaker 2 (33:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:48):
Let's figure it out together, pick the best option
and move forward.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
And I think we concentrated more on the
disagreement, say in the firsthalf of our marriage.
Yeah, it just may be a littleover.
It took us five, six years toreally harness this and I think
the business did help, because Idon't think we would
communicate as effectively as anormal couple per se, just nine
(34:17):
to fivers.
You know what I mean.
Coming home and talking about.
I don't think we would be asfar in our communicational gap
or closing that gap if we didn'tget put in these ridiculously
hard business situations andfigure them out together, but
killing that disagreement.
Yes, you can get your pointacross, guys.
(34:40):
Ladies, you can get your pointacross.
That's fine.
Sit there and own it.
It's not because you actuallydid what she's saying, guys, but
that's how it made her feel.
Because you actually did whatshe's saying, guys, but that's
how she.
It made her feel Like feelingsare never wrong.
Your feelings are not wrong.
I can't tell you your feelingsare wrong.
(35:00):
My feelings are not wrong.
I'm feeling them because I'mfeeling them.
Let's figure out how to avoidthe triggers to make me feel
that way so I can stay harnessedin the conversation a little
bit longer.
And you know, we still have ourdisagreements and we still I
led this off.
We're both pretty stubborn andhardheaded and we want to be
right, but we love each othermore than wanting to be right
(35:21):
every time.
Yeah, absolutely you know, andthere's too many people counting
on us to sit here and worryabout who's right and who's
wrong yeah?
Speaker 2 (35:29):
You know, Say your picture.
Speaker 1 (35:32):
All right, guys, let's get the old cheesecake out
here for a little bit ofdessert.
Man, I'm getting hungry.
I guess talking about all thisfood and potatoes Got a little
challenge for you guys this week.
The next time you feel a fight,argument, disagreement coming
on at home, or for you guys thatare tuning in, just like myself
and Sarah, that are workingwith your spouses directly,
(35:56):
agree to just hit the pausebutton.
Like Sarah said, even if you'remore on the Sarah side of the
table, where you are morereserved, you'll shelf it,
you'll deal with your emotions,or you're the pursuer.
Hit the pause button becauseboth of them need paused.
If you're just moreconcentrating on the
disagreement side and you'remore concentrated on the problem
(36:17):
than ever trying to meet thetable, just hit the pause button
and take 10 minutes.
This is kind of where I'm at.
This is where I'm at.
If it's getting escalated, hey,take a pause.
And the one thing I wanted tohit on this little subject is
appropriate timing and back tothat environment.
You just have to take a pause.
(36:39):
Sometimes Walk away.
My thing is.
My wife absolutely loves when Iget mad because I freaking go
into a cleaning frenzy, but it'sthe only form of healthy way
for me to process my anger whenI know it's nobody's fault.
It's just a feeling that I havefrom a trigger that happened,
(37:02):
whatever it may be, butliterally I'll go around the
house and just start cleaning.
I can pick up a vacuum andsweep something for 10 minutes,
just clear my head and try andcomprehend what's coming across
the table at me and understandtruly where she's trying to go
with it, rather than just drivethe point of being home.
Speaker 2 (37:23):
Yeah, but the most important part of hitting the
pause button is that you have tocircle back and you have to
take take, you know, the emotionout of it.
Your feelings aren't wrong, butyou know, um, your feelings will
also lead you down a paththat's not necessarily the
(37:48):
correct way or the way that youwant to go.
And so, putting that, sohitting that pause button,
taking that 10 minutes, coolingdown, sitting in your own
feelings for a little bit andthen coming back to the table
and reassessing and talkingabout the reason that you
(38:09):
originally got in the conflict,not the side argument or the
little things that don't reallymatter in the moment, to
actually figure out what isgoing on.
Speaker 1 (38:24):
I couldn't agree more .
Speaker 2 (38:25):
The most important part.
Speaker 1 (38:26):
I could not agree more.
You nailed it.
But that's our challenge forthis week, guys.
And then circle back.
Come back, share one thing thatyou're actually upset about.
It may not have anything to dowith the topic at hand.
A lot of our arguments spin offof it's the delivery or it's
what you said.
(38:47):
We talked about that earlier.
So just come back with, hey,this really upset me and you're
going to go.
I don't even remember sayingthat, yeah, it was something
that was so little to you, orvice versa, me being the pursuer
, hey, and you look at me likepin it.
We got kids, we got stuff to do.
(39:09):
And I'm like, oh my God,pursuers, back off.
Pause.
I'm telling you it's healthy,it will help.
You say a quick little prayer,man, because, uh, before we go
into those conversations, it'salways a quick little prayer to
big man because I don't want toback to the cleaning point.
It's like it's's.
(39:29):
It's healthy for me to processmy anger that way and then the
kids are looking at okay, dad'spitching in.
You know, mama bears seeingbenefit out of it, even when I'm
mad and upset, but normallythrough those tasks my mind will
do its thing and I will go.
I just need to go back and sayhe just this really ticked me
(39:49):
off and you go I'm sorry, holycrap, I don't even remember
saying that and move forward.
So, guys, I really hopeCommunication and Conflict was a
good episode for you to listento.
It's a very healthyconversation, thank you, by the
way.
Just a reminder you're not outthere alone, guys.
Lots of couples struggle tostay connected in busy seasons
(40:14):
and don't go run into socialmedia.
That's the other thing I wasgoing to say that you know you
have.
There's so many people outthere willing to give your
opinion on half the story.
Speaker 2 (40:26):
Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (40:27):
And jump on a train and start wrecking your emotions
and letting your emotions runwith a thought that was never
even supposed to be thought orhad.
And so be careful there, guys.
But I encourage you to try themarriage calendar check.
If you're worried about timemanagement, go back.
(40:47):
I think that was episode two.
Sit down Sunday night if you'reworking together, plan out
what's going on with the kids,what's in her world, and that'll
help with your prioritization.
Okay, kiddo's got this.
Kiddo's got that.
Sarah wants to be here to dothis for that.
Okay, then I layer everythingelse in with business and that
(41:11):
way I'm still showing within myactions and my words.
But that marriage calendarcheck is so huge, guys.
But next week's episode isbuilding a life beyond business
and I'm really excited.
I'm really excited If you guyshave been enjoying it.
If you wouldn't mind just alittle bit dropping a rate or a
(41:32):
follow on this end of thisepisode once you get done with
this episode, or maybe shootingit to somebody that might need
it.
I have loved hearing how manypeople we're impacting with just
sharing our story and how manypeople have thanked us for
putting ourselves out there,because this is super vulnerable
and it's definitely a littleweird and uh, takes a little
(41:57):
time and to figure it all out,but so worth it is what I was.
I was gonna say so, guys, tillnext time.
Don't forget like, subscribe,share all the things, the
buttons.
I appreciate you guys so much.
Till next time.
If you've enjoyed this episode,be sure to give it a like.
Share it with the fellers.
Check out our website to sendus any questions and comments
(42:20):
about your experience in theblue collar business.
Who do you want to hear from?
Send them our way and we'll doour best to answer any questions
you may have.
Till next time, guys.
Hey guys, welcome to the Blue Collar Business Podcast
, where we discuss the realest,rawest, most relevant stories
and strategies behind buildingevery corner of a blue collar
business.
I'm your host, cy Kirby, and Iwant to help you in what it took
me trial and error and a wholelot of money to learn the
information that no one in thisindustry is willing to share.
(00:32):
Welcome back to another episodeof the Blue Collar Business
Podcast.
Guys, and brought to you andsponsored today by
PodcastVideoscom, loving thisdate night series that we've
been bringing you guys, and fromall the messages and emails
that I've had just from the,rather the first episode, I
think that was the the bestepisode, uh, out of these four
(00:55):
part, but um, we've got partthree coming at you today on
conflict communication andemotional safety.
Here we we go again, boys andgirls.
So if you're running a business, working long hours, maybe even
working with your spouse, youknow how easy it is for your
marriage and your relationshipto take a quick backseat to
everything else that's going onaround you.
(01:17):
Guys, kids, it could be work.
If you work together, it couldbe just about anything, but
we're carving out some time here, no distractions, just me and
my beautiful lady over thereacross the table, just honest
talk about the stuff thatmatters most and that's intimacy
, time, communication and,ultimately, our future.
(01:39):
With that said, today's episodeis all about really circled
around conflict andcommunication, and other words,
how to handle disagreementswithout wrecking your marriage
for the work date.
So let's get into it.
And the last last coupleepisodes we kind of did this
appetizer first course, secondcourse, dessert and in that
(02:02):
dessert we kind of give you guysa challenge and hopefully that
you know you guys are gettingsome value out of this.
So, um, furthermore, mala Bear,thanks for joining me today.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
I'm excited to be here.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
Yeah, the the amount of emails so honestly that I got
was astounding and the amountof people that and I really put
myself out there as you guyswatched me squirm and Sarah
loved it, she was just like oh,all these cool questions, and
here I'm over here and I'm likeyeah.
(02:35):
So I'm glad we're past part oneand part two, but part three
today is talking about thearguments that we get in at home
, the arguments we get in atwork bring home, or arguments
that we have at home bring towork, and how do you find ways
to separate them and what do wedo to combat those arguments.
(02:56):
After almost a decade in heretogether doing this, it's been
an extreme challenge up to thispoint, but we have learned.
Number one, each other, butnumber two truly tried to find
ways to make it different thanwhat it was before, because it
was rough at one point, andwe're gonna talk about all that
(03:18):
today, guys.
So, furthermore, first questionMama, let's get into this.
What are some of the dumbestarguments we've ever had as a
couple?
Speaker 2 (03:30):
That's hard one, because I feel like I don't know
if I can give any examples, butno, I mean like, but I feel
like when we were first married,we had really dumb arguments
Like over, just like thesilliest stuff, like over, just
like the silliest stuff.
And I would say those becauseas we've progressed through this
, we've just kind of likelearned each other and like
(03:54):
we've grown as people, and so Idon't know if I have like any
like actual examples of likewhen did we argue about
something really dumb?
Speaker 1 (04:05):
I will tell you, young marriage and young
business is not a good combo.
And it's to your point, it'sthe silliest things, that I want
to be right and you want to beright, and that's, I think, more
or less.
Instead of just taking abackseat and going, oh nope,
this is her world, I shouldprobably turn my ears in, rather
(04:26):
than just assume that I knowhow she's feeling, or assume
that this is the way the kidsare feeling, et cetera.
How about you ask homeboy, butin terms of tables here, there's
a lot of things that you do notunderstand why.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
I'm like meh, you know about it.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
And I think it takes.
I think we've learned to goback and forth and see that I'm
upsetting her.
I don't know why.
Hey, what did I just saysomething?
How did you just take that?
But the dumb, silly arguments Ithink just in young marriage
like I think we're just.
I've got to be this macho manand I'm going to prove I'm right
(05:07):
every single time.
And one thing about Sarah guys,I'll let you in on she's
hardhead.
She's maybe a slightly bit ofstubborn, but, honestly, a trait
of a great quality leader is tobe hardheaded and keep pushing
(05:27):
through.
But you've got to be able toset that aside when you need to
learn too, and that's been hardfor both of us.
But, I've learned some hardlessons there.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
Yeah, but I think that we've kind of also learned
that like communicating witheach other.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
Communication sure does help.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
It's our little jingle.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
It's our little jingle, it's my little jingle
when I'm looking at her I'm likethis is really dumb what we're
fighting about.
Just talk to me.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
And that's typically like what it is.
It's like the silly things thatwe've just let past story about
shouldn't be, but we didn'tcommunicate.
Like, hey, when you said this,the way that you said, it got
under my skin.
Like those are the things thatI think that are dumb.
Like you know, it's not reallynecessarily like a topic but
(06:14):
it's just those like sillythings that in passing you will
say something like under yourbreath or oh my gosh, there's
like clutter everywhere or youknow whatever like around the
house and I'm like what do youmean?
I've been at home with the kidsfor the last two months and
like I can't clean up anythingwithout 50 other things getting
taken out.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
And you don't mean it that way, but I take it that
way and because I'm not like hey, yeah, hurt my feelings, I'm
going to jump on that trainbecause I think some of the
dumbest arguments that I believethat we create and honestly it
can still happen to this day instressful moments is that I can
(06:56):
literally give a face.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
No.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
It makes me so mad.
I'm like, and it may besomething about my thought
process from Tuesday, threeweeks ago, in that moment, but
Sarah can say something and Ican make a face and she just
automatically assumes exactlyhow I feel how I've been, how
I've been for the last six hoursand what I was worried about my
(07:23):
next task.
Like I can just make a face andand then, if I it's not, I gotta
say when I see fight, we don't.
Oh, we've had our knockdowndrag outs over 11 years.
Everybody, everybody, has nextmonth's 11 years, by the way,
sweet.
Like yes but, honestly, we havefigured out how to chisel into a
(07:44):
communication that even in thehardest moments, we we still
figure out how to actually talkto each other.
But those are the some of thedumbest arguments that we don't
even get to communicate.
And we already just and I'vedone it too absolutely by your
body language, I just assume,because you're not like super
vibrant but this is exactly howI feel.
(08:06):
Here's my heart, like yourhusband is, and actually I know
we're just still here on thisappetizer here but I'm probably
more the emotional one.
You guys heard that in part one, part two, and I teared.
Yeah, saw me tear up a coupletimes, but normally I am the
more emotional one.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
It's just how I'm wired and um so would you say
that you are um the one thatcarries more of the feelings
inside and then doesn't want itout, or that was me.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
Well, I think we both do it in our own ways.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
We both carry different burdens for each other
.
I agree.
Mental burdens and like, let'sbe honest, here we've put
ourselves in positions inbusiness because we didn't want
to share this or that to start afight.
We'll get into that a littlebit more here in the show.
(09:04):
But like, no, I agree, wedidn't want to share this or
that to start a fight, and we'llget into that a little bit more
here in the show.
But like, no, I agree, I agree,and you know, would you say,
I'm going to fire this one rightback at you.
Mama, would you say we tend tofight or argue loud, fast, or
more quiet, methodical, slow,and has that changed over the
(09:27):
years?
Speaker 2 (09:28):
Oh yeah, I would say the first part of our marriage
was loud and fast, Like yeah,and you know, I feel like we
both didn't understand that weare creating a life together,
(09:48):
and that means that there's twoimperfect people that are trying
to figure out how to move inlife together, simultaneously.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
And trying to be perfect for one another.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Yeah, yes, and then we would just explode and then,
and then once, like it opened up, it was just chaos, right.
And then now I feel like we aremuch more methodical on
disagreements.
Like we, there's appropriateand inappropriate times to state
(10:28):
your feelings and frustrationsand aggravations, and so I feel
like now it's like a slow buildto our disagreements, and I
wouldn't even say that they'relike we fight, like we don't.
We don't have fights where,like I would typically say, we
(10:49):
fight, we just havedisagreements, but they're much
more level-headed now than whenwe first got married, you know.
Speaker 1 (11:03):
And we know how to listen, how you want to be
listened to.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
Yeah, and me as well.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
Yes, Because we, it's funny, the one part of
communication you know, well,you don't say enough.
Well, that's one struggle.
But there's also a part ofcommunication where you don't
listen enough.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
And I failed at that.
I could say yeah.
Because I'm over here on thebusiness track, business track,
business track, business track.
How can you not see howimportant this is?
And you're over here, familytrack, family track, family
track, business, family track,family.
You know jumping, and so am I.
No-transcript Back to ourburdens and our shelves.
(11:42):
Mental shelves is you havemental shelves on the family
side and I have mental shelveson the business side and we both
need to take them off the shelfand present them every once in
a while, so we can avoid beforethe shelf explodes.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
Exactly Well, and I think that people often hear
communication and they thinklike, okay, that's me
communicating something to myspouse, but in communication
there's really two parts of it,and if you don't listen with
open ears because it's notalways necessarily what you are
(12:18):
saying that I'm hearing, with onthe forefront, you know what I
mean.
Like I have to like actuallylisten to not only the words
that you say, but like you knowthe meaning behind them, the
context.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
And delivery.
Speaker 2 (12:37):
You know what I mean?
Yeah, and that sometimeschanges what you are trying to
tell me.
You know.
And if I don't do that, then Ialso think environment is
another one.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
And that kind of leads us into the first course
of the day.
You're starting us off here,yes, but environment is so huge
in communication I can tell youone thing, and there's three
kids screaming around us, butthis is so important I got to
get it off my chest.
You're looking at me like Ican't even think right now.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
I'm not listening to anything that you have to say.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Baby crying and you know I've had to learn that.
But go ahead, mo.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
Well, have you ever carried a work argument home or
a home argument to the job site,and how did it affect your day?
Speaker 1 (13:33):
Oh, I can't stand when we're at each other's
throats and I'm probably thequicker one to apologize because
I can't get anything done, justbecause it's so much easier for
me just to apologize, and evenif I don't even know what's
transpired.
But it definitely drasticallyaffects who I am and what I'm
(13:56):
doing throughout the day, how Ideal with problems, how quick I
can deal with the guys, how Ican deal with customers, how I
talk to customers I can dealwith the guys, how I can deal
with customers, how I talk tocustomers, because it will
always hold, and I think this iswhere people kind of screw up
is that you're always going, youand the kids will always hold
that first position in my head,always, even throughout the day,
(14:18):
the times that I'm thinking.
I may not be acting on things,but the things I'm thinking of
is, you know that, that firstposition of family, well, the
first position is a big manabove, but secondly would be all
of you guys and then, of course, the business.
But I also need to show thatwithin my actions.
And, um, I can tell you there'sall the time like not all the
(14:45):
time, but like in the morningssomething you'll say or
something's a little off putting.
It's just because you'refocused on your half of the day
and I'm over here, focused on myhalf of the day, but I need you
for a piece of my puzzle overhere and you're not listening to
me, and so that can absolutelyaffect my day, because then I'm
(15:06):
playing like I don't want topoke at you, but I also need you
to listen to what I'm saying,or vice versa, on this side of
the table hey, no, I told youabout the kids is whatever it's
on your calendar, as long asit's on my calendar, I've never
missed hardly anything with ourkids.
But if something were to comeup, a dentist appointment, say
(15:27):
and I thought you were headingto the office and I've told you
about the dentist appointment.
We've talked about it.
It's on your calendar.
I'm like how dumb dude youweren't listening.
And that's where I check myselfbecause I'm like, hey, where
are you at in your priorities?
It's always a constant thingwith myself because I've lived
(15:49):
the life of doing marriage andbusiness without having your
priorities in line and reallychecking myself on my side of
the table.
But I can tell you it's not asbad.
I can.
Big things at work, financialpressures, purchases, uh, future
(16:10):
decisions those will weigh onme heavy, as you know, but it's.
It's not because it's somethingyou know that for me and you,
it's for all the other livesthat are attached to us that I'm
really worried about.
But that worry carries over.
I mean so I can't say anythingnecessarily.
(16:33):
It's taken me over the yearslike this engineer or this guy
or all those minute problems ofpeople not out externally, not
doing their jobs, that impedesour jobs, all the
uncontrollables.
I don't carry that near as hard.
I can shut that off.
It's the big decisions up atthe top in the executive area
(16:57):
that I carry and weigh on me sohard because I just don't want
to make the wrong decision, butall stress is is unmade
decisions.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:08):
And I try to shed those take five, 10 minutes
there.
I talked about that in episodetwo.
Five, 10 minutes out in thatdriveway means a lot, and but I
know mama's in there ready forher break.
And so you need to do a littleswitch, flip flop and man, it's
(17:30):
taken me almost a decade tofigure that out and I'm still
not the best at it.
I struggle hard with it, butI'm way better than what I was.
Um, baby number three hasdefinitely helped with that.
There's no doubt about that old, old baby K.
But yeah, you as well.
You're going to be right aroundthe same answer, I would assume
.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
Yeah, and I mean when we're not like in the same
stratosphere, when we're not.
Speaker 1 (17:58):
Oh, stratosphere above the atmosphere.
You heard that, guys, we're noteven in atmospheres.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
Yeah, well, I mean, there's times we're not even in
atmospheres.
yeah well, I mean there's, we'renot running down the same track
yeah sometimes we're runninginto each other yeah, like I
mean, when we're not at leasttrying to orbit the same common
goal, um, then it.
It's crazy.
I can't like function, I can'tthink, like the kids are like
(18:25):
mom, I just need lunch, and I'mlike I can't focus because we're
not.
We're not where we need to be.
You know what I mean.
And so it definitely impacts myand it's hard because when
you're working with your spouse,it affects everything.
(18:46):
Like there is not a time thatyou know.
Typically, if you don't workwith your spouse, you will go
home and they try to tell youabout your day and they have to
like, explain the like workatmosphere.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
Let me tell you what Sallyally, did because she's
cousins with brian from hr yeah,like I mean like it's like a
whole thing.
Speaker 2 (19:13):
But when you work with your spouse, it is like all
of the problems that are athome are still the problems when
you go into the office and whenyou are at home, all the
problems at work are still thesame problems and it's so easy
(19:34):
to just take those problems fromlike one place to the other
place, to the other place andyou like let it all bleed
together and that's why it's solike important and you used to
get so mad at me.
I'm like I need dedicated time.
That is not PsyCon.
Like I need you to shut offPsyCon and be at home and I
(19:55):
promise that when I'm in theoffice I will do the same for
PsyCon, because you needed thatfrom me because I wasn't able to
put the kids aside and focus onPsyCon.
But coming to that agreementand like understanding that like
I cannot talk about PsyCon 24-7.
I cannot do it.
And like when you're in workmode and me being like hey,
(20:20):
Sadie needs to do this artproject and we need to get, like
you in sequence and you're likeI don't give a crap, like get
out of here with that.
Like I'm worried about likegravel, getting to a job,
locations, getting called inlike I'm worried about engineer
problems.
You are being crazy, but it'slike just figuring out but I
(20:41):
care about Sadie's face when thefeathers are all in sequence
because her mama took her timeto make sure the arts and crafts
yeah no, and I'm like, hey, Icare when a job gets finished
and people are like, hey,attaboy, you did great,
everything went off without ahitch, and it's because the time
they put in, and I completelyunderstand that.
But it's just going throughlife and understanding, getting
(21:03):
to a place that we could saylike, hey, here is work and
we're going to shut off homelife, and here is home life and
we're going to shut off work,and us both being dedicated to
doing that.
That has helped us tremendouslybe able to continue to live
(21:26):
happily as a married couple,because that's what would be
sacrificed if we didn't come toan agreement on that and we both
figured out that that's whatwe're sacrificing, and then
figured out it wasn't worth ityeah, absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
What are the most common triggers for our
disagreements and arguments?
Would you say money, parentingor work decisions or just
overall future plans?
Speaker 2 (21:56):
I would say it depends on the season of life
that we're in Is when is likehas been different triggers.
You know what I mean.
And so it's like when we werenew parents, parenting was a
trigger.
Um, you know like, depending onwhere we're at within the
business financially, that maybe a trigger like future plans.
(22:17):
It just really like I wouldn'tsay that there is like a
specific trigger.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
I don't think so either.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
I think that it's like 100% the season of life
that we're in, and I want to.
What is crazy I feel like it isthe lack of where we lacked in
communication in the previousseason is the trigger for the
current season.
So, if we lacked incommunication financially in the
(22:48):
last season of our life.
In this season of our life, ourtrigger is finances.
If we didn't communicate aboutyou know our future goals, then
we're not on the same page.
And so it's like the more thatyou and I can be collectively on
the same page, communicating,working towards the same common
(23:09):
goal, we have less triggers.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
To fight Fellas, let me talk to you for just a second
.
That means a little bit moreout of you.
You can't just hey, this iswhat we're all going to do.
We're going to buy this machine, hire these people, get this
truck, get this trailer, andthen they're just going to go
out and make money, and this ishow it's going to all be done.
And then we're going to getpaid here and you ready, no,
(23:34):
she's going to look at me and gono, I need to see what's the
contract.
When are we actually gettingpaid?
What's it say on the paper, Notjust what some Joe Blow told you
.
Hey, you're talking aboutbuying equipment.
What kind of numbers do we gotin our estimate before we go and
lease or purchase or anythingfor this contract?
Hey, did we not put some rentalrates?
(23:57):
I mean, she's going to ask meso many questions, me so many
questions.
So to avoid that and to avoidthe confusion in what you're
trying to get across to thetable, because you're going to
sit there and go wait a minute,do you not trust me?
Because you're married and thatalready builds distrust.
But she's just doing her joband I'm just doing my job, but
(24:19):
automatically we look at eachother and go, wait a minute.
You don't trust what I got tosay, but it's not that, it's not
that and you need to.
The sooner you realize that,the sooner you realize that
she's asking those questionsbecause she loves you so much
and she wants to make sure thatwe are making the correct
decision.
Yeah, there's sometimes wellmore chances than not that Cy's
(24:42):
going to get a freaking fieryhair in his plan.
Let's go buy some dump trucks.
Mama.
And she looked at me, supportedme the whole way, but also was
very quick to tell me that theseare going to be expensive to
keep on the road drivers.
And you know I should havelistened more, I should have
penciled that a lot more.
(25:03):
And you know I should havelistened more, I should have
penciled that a lot more.
And you know we had a couple ofhires go bad on that specific
deal, obviously, but it's herenor there.
It starts at the table ofcommunication where, yeah, you
may be the visionary Heck dude,the roles may be reversed.
I said fellas, primarily you'rethe ones running the business,
but it may be roles reversed.
I said fellas, primarily you'rethe ones running the business,
(25:23):
but it may be roles reversed.
And you know you have tocommunicate on a language that
each other's love languagesspeak.
Yeah, and we are totalopposites.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
In our love languages .
I'm a physical touch, words ofaffirmation and mama bear, you
would be.
Speaker 2 (25:45):
I don't know.
We need to re-read that book.
Speaker 1 (25:51):
But if there was opposites, as far from that as
you can get, that's my wife.
But for some reason oppositesattract.
But it's been fun trulyFrustrating as hell, but it has
been a fun chase figuring outthis safe, guarded walled,
(26:13):
defensive guns pointed at alltimes, and be able to truly love
you enough to pull down brickfor brick and get in there.
And but when you do get inthere, fellas, you got to
understand that you're in thereand it just takes one second
You're kicked out of the safeand the walls go right back up
and you're back to it.
And so you've really got towatch your P's and Q's when
(26:38):
you're in there.
But, man, you got in there andand I know that may sound a
little crazy, but honestly, mostof the time that's the man.
We've got these walls and we'reall hard and bruised and man,
just drop them walls.
Talk to each other, find outeach side of the table's goals
(26:58):
out of the conversation.
Talk about the tough stuff,talk about the good stuff, but
bring where I was going withthat It'd be a lot easier to
push across the table.
Hey, babe, here's our estimate.
Here's these machines I'mtalking about.
There's the lease agreements.
This is the money.
This is the estimate, this isthis, this is that, no gravel,
(27:19):
whatever the case may be, andreally lay it out for Sarah and
she'll go oh that's a no-brainer.
What are we doing?
Let's go.
But on this side of the table Idon't need none of that.
I do at this point in the game,there's no doubt about it, and
I always review and do ananalysis and blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah.
But I am definitely a quickdraw, mcgraw, you know.
Speaker 2 (27:42):
Yes, I know, I know, I know A pub show.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
Oh man.
So we've kind of got throughthe meat and potatoes here.
But finishing up, who is thepursuer and who is the
withdrawer in conflict, and whenone of us is ready to talk and
the other one isn't, how do wehandle it without making it
worse?
Speaker 2 (28:06):
So you are the pursuer and I am the
withdrawaler.
Um, I will avoid, avoid, avoid,avoid, avoid.
And you are like let's figureit out right now, right this
second.
I don't care what is happeningin life or around us, in our
surroundings, we're figuring itout, we're doing doing it now
and I'm like I'm just gonna siton it, I'm gonna feel my
(28:27):
emotions, I'm gonna let it likesimmer a little bit, get super,
super hot, until I'm gonnaexplode on you, and then it all
is gonna come out.
That's 100% facts.
Speaker 1 (28:38):
So unhealthy baby.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
But you know, I would say, through the years we've,
I've, I have come to realizethat that's not the best thing
for a marriage or business orfamily.
Um, but still it doesn't makeit yeah yeah, but still, you are
the pursuer and I'm I am theavoider.
Speaker 1 (29:03):
Withdrawaler I wouldn't 100.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
I don't think that's ever going to change either, I
think just from natural borntendencies yeah get out of my
head, don't finish my sentenceswere you like married to me or
something for 10 years?
Speaker 1 (29:18):
yeah, I got you, but um, yes, he does, but those, yes
, you got me tendencies.
Speaker 2 (29:25):
No, it was just funny how you did that, but you're
absolutely right but as far aslike the how do we handle it
when one person's ready to talkand one person's not ready to
talk, I would say that you knowwe in the beginning of a
(29:47):
relationship, we will just blow,blow up and it's like we're
going to talk right now, whetherit was you or me, like we
always just it's going to happen.
And now it's much more of likehey, we call them our bathroom
talks because it's like theplace that the kids are not.
We have a larger masterbathroom.
It's not like we're like sittinghere on the bathroom floor In a
(30:09):
half bath yeah like they're,like sitting in it on the back
they're saying they're going fora tornado drill.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
No, we we have double vanities on the other side,
where I stand in front of mystands and runners and we sit
there and talk.
Yeah, it's like neutral ground.
Speaker 2 (30:23):
It's weird no, it is, but it may a lot of businesses
in there?
yeah, we have, but it's like ourwar zone.
You know what I mean.
It's like.
It's like our I would, Iwouldn't say war zone, like no,
that's that's where we like,that's our like safe place that
we laid out you know what I meanand there's not, and typically,
like that's where we will endup.
(30:45):
You know what I mean.
Like, if there's something thatwe need to talk about, I will
come and find you and we willhash out.
If I'm you know, I'm standingin the bathroom getting ready
and there's something we need tohash out, like typically you'll
come find me.
Speaker 1 (31:01):
I am the pursuer you know.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
But you know I think I think it's taken us a long
time to get to that place.
You know what I mean Becauseit's like, but you've also come
to a place that you know.
If I'm not ready to go to thatvulnerable place or I'm not
ready to like disclose, open upabout it, you will give me time
and space to like get there.
(31:25):
It's not that you let me avoidit.
Like you're still kind of likeyo, we need to touch base back
on this, like we're going to,we're going to come back to it,
but like you know, you don'tforce, force the hand, you know,
cause that I will just shutdown, I won't talk to you.
Speaker 1 (31:41):
Yeah, I had to.
Definitely those natural borntendencies.
That's where I was going with.
That is, I am a hardcorepursuer.
But we wouldn't be where we arewithout that natural born trait
that I do have.
But I do have to wind that backa little bit to be an effective
(32:03):
deliverer of information.
If you're going to retain anyof it, you're right.
If I just hammer down on you,it's instant shutdown.
Just like I was talking aboutthose walls.
You get kicked right out of thesafe.
There's no vulnerability, it'sI ain't talking to you, it's
stupid move.
Like I got things to do, it'sjust an immediate.
I'm just saying I didn't.
(32:25):
You are not painting me paintingme like I am not an abusive
wife like I, you are not ummental every once in a while but
it's a total joke.
But um, you know how we havefound so many ways.
I can't say that I'm sorry.
(32:47):
Um, we haven't found many waysto turn disagreements into
productive conversations,especially when we're talking
about business we haven't founda lot of ways where I'm going
with.
That is sorry.
We kill the disagreement prettyquickly yeah, and at first we
(33:08):
would circle the problem justnon-stop and just go around and
around and around and aroundabout the freaking problem.
Speaker 2 (33:14):
Yeah, and whose fault it was and why we got there and
how and we got appointed outlike it's some type of
competition that you did worsethan I did, or vice versa.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
And it's so unhealthy .
Yeah, but once you startfiguring out that, okay, we have
a problem, and it's a problemthat we both have in the middle
of this table, let's circle theproblem together, find out why
we got there, how we got here,put that to bed.
Okay.
What do you have options onyour side of the table?
(33:45):
What options do I have on myside of the table?
Speaker 2 (33:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:48):
Let's figure it out together, pick the best option
and move forward.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
And I think we concentrated more on the
disagreement, say in the firsthalf of our marriage.
Yeah, it just may be a littleover.
It took us five, six years toreally harness this and I think
the business did help, because Idon't think we would
communicate as effectively as anormal couple per se, just nine
(34:17):
to fivers.
You know what I mean.
Coming home and talking about.
I don't think we would be asfar in our communicational gap
or closing that gap if we didn'tget put in these ridiculously
hard business situations andfigure them out together, but
killing that disagreement.
Yes, you can get your pointacross, guys.
(34:40):
Ladies, you can get your pointacross.
That's fine.
Sit there and own it.
It's not because you actuallydid what she's saying, guys, but
that's how it made her feel.
Because you actually did whatshe's saying, guys, but that's
how she.
It made her feel Like feelingsare never wrong.
Your feelings are not wrong.
I can't tell you your feelingsare wrong.
(35:00):
My feelings are not wrong.
I'm feeling them because I'mfeeling them.
Let's figure out how to avoidthe triggers to make me feel
that way so I can stay harnessedin the conversation a little
bit longer.
And you know, we still have ourdisagreements and we still I
led this off.
We're both pretty stubborn andhardheaded and we want to be
right, but we love each othermore than wanting to be right
(35:21):
every time.
Yeah, absolutely you know, andthere's too many people counting
on us to sit here and worryabout who's right and who's
wrong yeah?
Speaker 2 (35:29):
You know, Say your picture.
Speaker 1 (35:32):
All right, guys, let's get the old cheesecake out
here for a little bit ofdessert.
Man, I'm getting hungry.
I guess talking about all thisfood and potatoes Got a little
challenge for you guys this week.
The next time you feel a fight,argument, disagreement coming
on at home, or for you guys thatare tuning in, just like myself
and Sarah, that are workingwith your spouses directly,
(35:56):
agree to just hit the pausebutton.
Like Sarah said, even if you'remore on the Sarah side of the
table, where you are morereserved, you'll shelf it,
you'll deal with your emotions,or you're the pursuer.
Hit the pause button becauseboth of them need paused.
If you're just moreconcentrating on the
disagreement side and you'remore concentrated on the problem
(36:17):
than ever trying to meet thetable, just hit the pause button
and take 10 minutes.
This is kind of where I'm at.
This is where I'm at.
If it's getting escalated, hey,take a pause.
And the one thing I wanted tohit on this little subject is
appropriate timing and back tothat environment.
You just have to take a pause.
(36:39):
Sometimes Walk away.
My thing is.
My wife absolutely loves when Iget mad because I freaking go
into a cleaning frenzy, but it'sthe only form of healthy way
for me to process my anger whenI know it's nobody's fault.
It's just a feeling that I havefrom a trigger that happened,
(37:02):
whatever it may be, butliterally I'll go around the
house and just start cleaning.
I can pick up a vacuum andsweep something for 10 minutes,
just clear my head and try andcomprehend what's coming across
the table at me and understandtruly where she's trying to go
with it, rather than just drivethe point of being home.
Speaker 2 (37:23):
Yeah, but the most important part of hitting the
pause button is that you have tocircle back and you have to
take take, you know, the emotionout of it.
Your feelings aren't wrong, butyou know, um, your feelings will
also lead you down a paththat's not necessarily the
(37:48):
correct way or the way that youwant to go.
And so, putting that, sohitting that pause button,
taking that 10 minutes, coolingdown, sitting in your own
feelings for a little bit andthen coming back to the table
and reassessing and talkingabout the reason that you
(38:09):
originally got in the conflict,not the side argument or the
little things that don't reallymatter in the moment, to
actually figure out what isgoing on.
Speaker 1 (38:24):
I couldn't agree more .
Speaker 2 (38:25):
The most important part.
Speaker 1 (38:26):
I could not agree more.
You nailed it.
But that's our challenge forthis week, guys.
And then circle back.
Come back, share one thing thatyou're actually upset about.
It may not have anything to dowith the topic at hand.
A lot of our arguments spin offof it's the delivery or it's
what you said.
(38:47):
We talked about that earlier.
So just come back with, hey,this really upset me and you're
going to go.
I don't even remember sayingthat, yeah, it was something
that was so little to you, orvice versa, me being the pursuer
, hey, and you look at me likepin it.
We got kids, we got stuff to do.
(39:09):
And I'm like, oh my God,pursuers, back off.
Pause.
I'm telling you it's healthy,it will help.
You say a quick little prayer,man, because, uh, before we go
into those conversations, it'salways a quick little prayer to
big man because I don't want toback to the cleaning point.
It's like it's's.
(39:29):
It's healthy for me to processmy anger that way and then the
kids are looking at okay, dad'spitching in.
You know, mama bears seeingbenefit out of it, even when I'm
mad and upset, but normallythrough those tasks my mind will
do its thing and I will go.
I just need to go back and sayhe just this really ticked me
(39:49):
off and you go I'm sorry, holycrap, I don't even remember
saying that and move forward.
So, guys, I really hopeCommunication and Conflict was a
good episode for you to listento.
It's a very healthyconversation, thank you, by the
way.
Just a reminder you're not outthere alone, guys.
Lots of couples struggle tostay connected in busy seasons
(40:14):
and don't go run into socialmedia.
That's the other thing I wasgoing to say that you know you
have.
There's so many people outthere willing to give your
opinion on half the story.
Speaker 2 (40:26):
Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (40:27):
And jump on a train and start wrecking your emotions
and letting your emotions runwith a thought that was never
even supposed to be thought orhad.
And so be careful there, guys.
But I encourage you to try themarriage calendar check.
If you're worried about timemanagement, go back.
(40:47):
I think that was episode two.
Sit down Sunday night if you'reworking together, plan out
what's going on with the kids,what's in her world, and that'll
help with your prioritization.
Okay, kiddo's got this.
Kiddo's got that.
Sarah wants to be here to dothis for that.
Okay, then I layer everythingelse in with business and that
(41:11):
way I'm still showing within myactions and my words.
But that marriage calendarcheck is so huge, guys.
But next week's episode isbuilding a life beyond business
and I'm really excited.
I'm really excited If you guyshave been enjoying it.
If you wouldn't mind just alittle bit dropping a rate or a
(41:32):
follow on this end of thisepisode once you get done with
this episode, or maybe shootingit to somebody that might need
it.
I have loved hearing how manypeople we're impacting with just
sharing our story and how manypeople have thanked us for
putting ourselves out there,because this is super vulnerable
and it's definitely a littleweird and uh, takes a little
(41:57):
time and to figure it all out,but so worth it is what I was.
I was gonna say so, guys, tillnext time.
Don't forget like, subscribe,share all the things, the
buttons.
I appreciate you guys so much.
Till next time.
If you've enjoyed this episode,be sure to give it a like.
Share it with the fellers.
Check out our website to sendus any questions and comments
(42:20):
about your experience in theblue collar business.
Who do you want to hear from?
Send them our way and we'll doour best to answer any questions
you may have.
Till next time, guys.
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