May 22, 2025 25 mins

This week, we’re talking about funeral home drama. You don’t want it – you may worry about that one loose cannon that may show up a the funeral, right.  I’ve got a few of those in my own family so I know you’re pain.  When family feuds, old grudges, and poor planning collide at one of the most emotional times in life.


I’ve seen stories of it all — the brawls, the breakdowns, and yes, even a fistfight next to the casket. So, grab your coffee, settle in, and let’s talk about how you can spare your loved ones a soap opera when the time comes.


In Episode 69, I share some real life stories. Of course, names have been changed to protect the guilty — and the innocent!! Right?  Some of these scenarios may sound familiar. Let me know if you’ve experienced any funeral home drama that you hear in this latest episode of Boomer Time.

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:13):
Well, hello, Hello, Nancy Kogar here, and welcome to another
episode of Bloomer Time. As you know, I'm your host and
I'm here. My objective is to help you
better prepare for all the issues that come up, legal or
otherwise, as we age, right? Well, I'm going to kind of take

(00:36):
a turn today when today's episode might be a little
downright juicy. That's right.
Well, it's important to today. We're talking about Funeral Home
drama. You don't want it.
I've heard about it plenty of times.
You may worry about it. You know, you got that one loose

(00:57):
cannon in the family that may show up at the funeral, right?
And you just don't know what they're going to do.
I've got a few of those in my own family, so I know you're
paying. You know, when family feuds, old
grudges, poor planning, all of that collide into one of the
most emotional times in your life, it can lead to just chaos,

(01:21):
right? Stories of everything.
The brawls, the breakdowns. Yeah.
And even the fistfight next to the casket.
So grab your coffee, settle in, and let's talk about how you can
spare your loved ones a soap opera when the time comes.
And I'm going to kick it off with a few real life stories.

(01:45):
Of course, the names have been changed, right?
To protect the guilty and the innocent, right?
But I'm sure some of these scenarios will sound mighty
familiar to you. And let me know too, if you've
experienced any kind of Funeral Home drama with family, I'd love
to hear those stories. You can send those to me at
nancycoghart.com. So first one has to do with

(02:09):
outfits. He's not wearing that incident.
The final attire for a late family member, as you know, is
an important decision. Some people take it really
seriously. You know, this is what the loved
one will be wearing for eternity, at least eternity here

(02:30):
on earth, right? You want them to look good.
The family, you know, involved here had a knocked down drag out
over the outfit that their late father would be wearing.
The brother insisted that their father be buried in a Hawaiian
shirt and cargo shorts and some flip flops.

(02:54):
Well, the much more traditional sister on the other side wanted
dad in a classic suit, Navy withthe pocket square, right.
Well, all that the funeral director had to pause, Well, the
service, you know, before it could proceed while the siblings

(03:14):
verbally duped it out in the lobby.
Can you imagine? Well, you probably can, or
you've probably seen it. They ended up compromising.
Dad was buried in the suit, but he had the flip flops on.
I kid you not. So the moral of the story is,
write down your funeral wishes, folks.

(03:37):
Yes, even down to the shoes you want to wear or the flip flops.
So this one might be even worse.And I found this story online
out of New Jersey. OK.
This is where the family had provided clothing to their
family member ahead of time for the service.
It was the plan for the family member to be cremated so they

(04:00):
would be dressed and cremated inthat outfit.
The family came the day before to the Funeral Home to check on
things and say their last goodbyes before the cremation
service. Apparently they came face to
face with not their loved one, but a stranger dressed in the

(04:21):
nines in their family members clothes.
Oops, here's one is actually close to home for me.
I will tell you right off the bat.
Call it the missing ring. So at another service for the
family matriarch who lived a healthy 104 years, which I know

(04:43):
this to be true, as I said, as it involves a family member
distant though, the daughter glanced down at her mother in
the coffin and noticed that her mother's heirloom diamond ring,
the one she had promised her since childhood, wasn't on
Mama's finger. Where was it?

(05:06):
Well, there's that one family member, right?
You know, him or her. He had just been seen a few
moments ago by his late mother'sside weeping, and before backing
away, gave his mother's hand a sweet farewell kiss.
On the hand. Well, you know, he was asked to

(05:30):
spit it out and it went back on mama's hand.
So the take away with this one, keep an eye on that family
member, right? But more importantly, have a
personal, well, maybe not more importantly, but have a personal
property memorandum inventory those sentimental items, those
valuable items, assign them clearly.

(05:54):
And don't leave it up to your kids to figure it out because it
always leads to disputes. I do this all the time with my
clients, and it really makes a difference.
So you don't want to leave it upto memory or to greed, right?
Well, I've got some others coming up, but I just wanted to
take a break. And we're also going to talk

(06:15):
about the top five worst family offenses at a Funeral Home, so
stick with me. Welcome back to Boomer Time.

(06:36):
Nancy Kogar here. And I know you know what I'm
talking about when it comes to this episode, Family drama.
It's, you know, a constant battle.
But what about family drama at the Funeral Home?
I know some of you out there have stories and you're welcome
to share them with me. I might end up on a future

(06:56):
podcast though, but I'll, I'll hide the names to protect the
innocent. Well, you know, you got to be
careful as to who is going to give the eulogy, right?
Emotions can run wild. Well, one client's funeral

(07:18):
turned into a verbal battle whenthe estranged brother who had
been imbibing grabbed the mic during the eulogy and proceeded
to tell everyone how the deceased had never been there
for him. Cue the gasps.
It was very uncomfortable at thebuffet later, believe me.

(07:42):
So lesson here is plan, plan, plan who gets to speak at your
service and who doesn't get to speak and make it clear and make
it somewhere or can be found andenforced, right?
These are just a few, but there are worse ones.
We will talk about those. And as I mentioned before the

(08:03):
break, I want to talk about the top five worst family offenses
at the Funeral Home. But before I go there, you know,
of course, I'm a lawyer. So I wanted to look at laws that
specifically target bad behaviorat funerals.
Well, there doesn't appear to beany specific law here in

(08:26):
Tennessee as far as behavior at funerals.
But there are laws, of course, against public intoxication,
right? Disturbing the peace,
threatening someone, all kinds of illegal activities, battery,
right? All those things would apply.

(08:48):
You know, you could be visibly intoxicated at a funeral and
that could lead to an arrest. You could be engaged in
disruptive behavior that you know is just disturbing the
peace or, you know, just doing plain old illegal things.
Context really matters because these specific laws might be

(09:10):
applicable based on the nature of the behavior, right?
So an argument could be disturbing the peace, but you
know, common sense prevails here.
You would hope. Maintaining order and respect is
the most important priority at those funerals.
Actions that disrupt the peace or cause a disturbance could

(09:33):
lead to legal consequences. Just behave yourself, right?
So here are the top five worst behaviors at funerals, and it's
a quick list of what I consider the most common and cringe
worthy bad behavior I've seen fighting over the obituary.

(09:58):
Why wasn't my name listed? They got my name wrong.
I'm not in there at all, right? Write your obituary ahead of
time or have the family do it together.
Arguing over seeding. Yes, this happens at funerals.

(10:18):
This one I wish it wasn't on thelist, but taking selfies with
the deceased I just. No explanation needed, right?
OK, bringing up the will at the wake.

(10:40):
So they start saying who's got the house right?
This is not appropriate funeral talk.
What about surprise guests that show up?
The secret girlfriend, the ex-wife, the estranged sibling?

(11:01):
Happens. So how do you avoid the chaos?
I wanted to talk a little bit about the part that's really
important, how to avoid Rather becoming one of these stories.
You should create a funeral directive.
OK, this is a document that spells out your funeral wishes,

(11:22):
the clothes you want to wear, the location, the type of casket
you want open casket, closed music, pall bearers, all of it.
It's legally binding in many States and it removes the
guesswork. It's something I do often with
my clients. We set parameters even down to

(11:44):
the the little fine details. Maybe even like I said, write to
the obituary yourself. Who knows you better than you,
right? Choose a designated decision
maker. You would think this one would
be obvious, but pick one person and back them up legally.

(12:08):
You can name a funeral agent in your will, but I prefer you do
it on a separate directive. OK, so otherwise family members
might have an equal say, or might try to have an equal say
or a different say. And that is a recipe for chaos.
3 This falls back on what I saidabout personal property.

(12:29):
Write a personal property memorandum.
This is a sample add on to your will, all in your handwriting.
Write a list of who gets what. Jewelry, photos, grandpa's pipe,
sentimental items. This prevents squabbles over
keepsakes. OK, and don't say all my kids

(12:53):
will figure it out because they're not going to.
There's going to be an argument,OK?
Or the argument might happen with the stuff that nobody
wants. So make a plan for that too, for
prepaid and set aside funds. All right?
Money. Money is one of the top reasons
for drama, right? Prepaid your funeral through a

(13:17):
reputable Funeral Home or alternatively, set aside funds
in a payable on death or life insurance burial policy.
There's no scrambling that way. There's no arguing over cost.
It's already taken care of. Five communicate early and

(13:37):
often. So I think this is something
that your family has to have a meeting about while you're
alive. I know these things are hard to
talk about, but they're important.
Let them know what you have planned and your preferences.
Doesn't have to be heavy, you know.
Maybe coffee. Make it casual, but be clear.

(13:59):
Keep the peace during a time when peace should be the
overriding emphasis. Well, that's pretty good advice.
What do the people behind the scenes have to say about all
this? Well, Funeral Home directors do,
you know, try to downplay drama.But, you know, they've got some

(14:19):
stories in the vault and I've found a few.
So let's share some of those with you right after this.
Hey, So what do those Funeral Home directors have to say about

(14:42):
family drama? Like I said, you know, you know,
they have some stories in the vault.
I found a few. All right, here we go.
And I'm not sharing these in anykind of sensical order.
One, believe it or not, a not sodeceased husband.

(15:04):
This funeral director said they had a reverend talk about the
deceased woman finally being with her dearly departed dead
husband. Well, he didn't know, but
actually the husband was alive and was sitting in the front row
at the service. He can't make stuff like this up
folks. Funeral directors on the run.

(15:27):
So then in this case, the funeral, they were following the
hearse, right? But they found out they were
following a hearse from another funeral.
They had to go all the way back to the church to have the the
right procession. That must have been

(15:48):
embarrassing. Circle of life.
So I've never heard of this, butthis makes sense that this would
happen. So a woman gave birth and went
into labor at a Funeral Home during a service.

(16:10):
Hidden cell phone. There's always something with a
cell phone, it just never stops.So this funeral director shared
that they dropped their cell phone out of their pocket when
they were leaning over the casket, you know, trying to help
prep the deceased. I didn't notice it at the time,

(16:34):
but then they were on call that night and, you know, they
thought they lost their phone and they went out and bought a
new one. Well, the next day, before they
closed the casket, the funeral director nonchalantly asked or
checked under the deceased person's legs.
And guess what? There was the cell phone.

(16:59):
Can you imagine if they didn't get that phone and it started
ringing during the viewing? No, no, no, Put up your Dukes,
right fistfights. Thankfully, the law was there at
the request of the family. There's an idea if you've got a
really, you know, reckless crew,you probably want to tell the

(17:22):
Funeral Home so they're preparedbut have some security there.
Shoo. Maybe a big, strong bouncer,
right? Angry Walker.
Wow. Well, the boss at the Funeral
Home and in this instance said they were caught in the
crossfire when grandma threw herWalker at another family member.

(17:51):
There was AUFC breakout, you know, ultimate fighting.
You can just imagine there was aformal professional former UFC
fighter that passed away and thefuneral director had to break up
a fight out in front of the Chapel between the fighter's
sister and his ex-girlfriend. Boy, that was fun.

(18:17):
And there was one here where they were directing a funeral
for an elderly man and believe it or not, his wife died during
the service right in the front row.
I could see that happening actually, because of the the
stress and the overwhelm. I've seen people pass out, you

(18:39):
know, not hydrated enough just from the stress.
But Can you imagine finally breaking and entering?
The craziest thing this funeral director said was when someone
tried to break into the Funeral Home in the middle of the night.
They lived in an apartment upstairs.

(19:04):
People should be more afraid of the living, they say, than the
dead. Why would someone break into a
Funeral Home? What if the mistress shows up at
the funeral? Well, what if the Funeral Home
picks up the mistress in the limo instead of the widow?

(19:26):
Like I said, you can't make thisstuff up.
And of course there have been car crashes leaving, you know,
the hearse or the other cars leaving and not leaving because
of car crash. This last one, this sounds like
somebody I know. OK, It was a woman.

(19:47):
Her son passed away and she wanted to share the eulogy at
her her own son's funeral or memorial service.
So after first calling him a litany of derogatory names.
She then proceeded to call her boy, her boyfriend who was

(20:09):
younger than her deceased son, to the front and asked him to
play that song and he played Amazing Grace and she and the
man slow danced in front of her son's casket.
I like I said, you can't make this stuff up.
Well, got some final thoughts coming up.

(20:31):
It looks like, you know, grief makes people act out.
It's messy, it's raw. Sometimes it brings out the
worst. But I am telling you, a little
planning, a little planning goesa long way.
OK, so that's the goal here. You need to have your family
focus on remembering you, not wrestling, not duking it out,
not stealing jewelry right at the service.

(20:54):
So if you haven't started your estate plan, now's the time.
And if you have one and it's old, dust it off, see if it
needs to be updated and add a funeral directive.
OK, Your future self and your family is going to thank you.
And you can call me to schedule your strategy session if you
need help with that. I'll see you next time.

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