Meet Stephanie L.!

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, I'm Alicia and I'm Robin, and you're listening
to Bowel Moments, the podcastsharing real talk about the
realities of IBD Serve on therocks.
This week we talked toStephanie Laflamme.
Stephanie is living withulcerative colitis and during a
time when her IBD wasparticularly aggressive, she was

(00:20):
also diagnosed with breastcancer.
So we talked to her about herjourney of coping with both of
those illnesses, while alsodealing with a new ostomy.
She also happens to be a mentalhealth professional, so we
talked to her about the waysthat she coped with living with
ulcerative colitis and dealingwith breast cancer.
We talked to her aboutjournaling and we talked to her
about the Enneagram Cheers.
Hi, everybody, welcome to BowelMoments.

Speaker 2 (00:45):
This is Alicia Hi this is Stacey Calabro, your
guest host for today.
I'm sorry.
Today we have Miss StephanieLaflamme joining us and we're so
excited to learn more about herstory.
Thank you for joining us.

Speaker 3 (01:01):
Thank you, thank you for having me.
Thank you for joining us.

Speaker 1 (01:02):
Thank you, thank you for having me.
Wow, and guys, we have to saythat unfortunately, robin was
not able to join us today, so weare very grateful to Stacey
Stacey the deuce for joining usagain to guest host with us.
Stephanie, yes, we are veryexcited to hear your story, but
our first, very unprofessionalquestion is what are you
drinking?

Speaker 3 (01:17):
I'm drinking tea with ashwagandha.
Chill tea, yeah.
Chill tea, yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:27):
Adult beverages have been pretty much off my menu for
the last two years.
Yeah, that's fair.
I have tried ashwagandha and Ifeel like it gives me headaches.

Speaker 3 (01:32):
Don't tell me that, because I'm going to worry about
it.
No, it's, I think, you know,because it's in a tea.
It's just kind of like it'svery calming.
I yeah, I haven't noticed that.

Speaker 1 (01:43):
Well, and I will preface this by saying pretty
much everything gives me aheadache.
So you know, it's it probablyis my head not an oshawa thing.

Speaker 2 (01:51):
That's my guess on this cc?

Speaker 1 (01:52):
what are you drinking ?

Speaker 2 (01:53):
well, I am still in um in my office so I have
lukewarm water in my camp oasisuh bottle.

Speaker 3 (01:59):
Hopefully has not been washed, probably since camp
last year, so just since campaway so I saw your live bacteria
right there in your gut it'sjust all, yeah, I yeah feeding
your microbiome I love this for

Speaker 2 (02:14):
you alicia, uh, what are you drinking?

Speaker 1 (02:20):
you know, guys, I got real excited that it's february
and I'm no longer dryishJanuarying it, and so I am
drinking what's referred to as abee's knees oh I love that
cocktail.

Speaker 3 (02:32):
I just found it, like two months ago, and it is the
one thing that, like, my body iskind of like okay, I got you, I
can take, I can drink thislovely.
Yeah, it's so good no, I'm soexcited.

Speaker 1 (02:42):
I've not I don't think I've ever had one before.
It's gin, honey, simple syrupor honey syrup and lemon juice,
and that's it.

Speaker 3 (02:49):
That's all that's in there, is there not, lavender?

Speaker 1 (02:51):
and you're not in mine, I'm guessing.
That would be really reallynice though.
So yeah, so cheers guys, cheers, cheers.
Can you?

Speaker 3 (02:59):
tell us your ibd story, starting wherever you
want to start my story is likekind of jammed packed into like
four years.
You know, as I've like gottento know, people who've gone
through an expert are goingthrough and do have ibd and all
that diagnoses.
What I've seen has happenedmuch earlier than when it
happened for me, right?
So, like it happened for me atthe very end of 2020.

(03:20):
So super duper, stressful year,you know lots of just all the
things.
So it was the end of 2020.
So super duper, stressful year,you know lots of just all the
things.
So it was the end of 2020.
And I noticed symptoms, notcramping symptoms, but just like
blood in the stool, and I just,you know, kind of made myself
pick up my phone and call mydoctor right away and just let
her know.
You know it was my OBGYN andshe referred me to a GI group

(03:42):
here and I think I went in tosee them about a month later,
did a colonoscopy.
What he found was likebeginnings of some things that
looked like what he thoughtcould be ulcerative colitis and
at the time I was like I don'tknow what that is, that doesn't
run in my family, I don't, youknow and he wanted to put me on
prednisone and I was like youknow, back then very like, well,

(04:07):
I don't want to take steroidsand so I don't want to do that,
so I'm not going to do that andI'll be fine.
And so I kind of just likepushed my way, you know, kind of
through, and I was 2021.
After that, he's, I think theystarted yeah, it was a
prednisone, and then maybe theoh, the misalamine tablets, and
again, I wasn't at that pointhaving a lot of really bad
symptoms.
It was just I had noticed thatthat was you know what was

(04:27):
happening with my body and youknow anyway.
So that was kind of thebeginning of it.
Then I got a COVID shot, may orApril of 2021.
My shoulder froze as a resultof the COVID shot, which is an
autoimmune response very rarebut an autoimmune response to
injury.
The shoulders like a supercomplicated joint that we have
and the shoulder sometimesprotects itself when it gets or

(04:49):
thinks it's being injured.
So I already had like a littlebit of an injury in there.
I got the shot in there.
So my whole shoulder just likeclamped down, like tight, I mean
the kind of pain where I'dnever had that kind of pain
before.
So you know I did some physicaltherapy and they gave me some
cortisone shots, you know, butbasically they're like, well, it
just it needs to take, it justtakes time and it will start to
loosen up.
Well, right about that timethen my IBD symptoms kind of

(05:11):
started ramping up and I startedgetting the cramping and I
started, you know, gettingreally cautious around foods and
like getting really restrictiveand wondering was I, had I done
this to myself?
Was I eating the wrong things?
All you know, all the questions, because this is such a well,
it's just, you know, I didn'tknow anything about it.
So let's see.
So that's 2021.
So by the end of 20, by aroundOctober 2021, I was really,

(05:34):
really, really, reallystruggling with the symptoms of
IBD.
I was now at the point wherewe're doing the mesalamine like
suppositories of mesalamineenemas still on, you know, off
and on in the steroids, andnothing's really like keeping it
at bay.
Meanwhile, my shoulder isfinally starting to loosen up.
Right around October, I startedto be able to gain, like more
mobility, so I started to feelbetter in that way, but the

(05:57):
symptoms of my IBD justcontinued to get worse.
So by beginning of 2022, finally, I was approved for Humira.
Like it takes forever to dothese things.
So I started on the Humira atthe beginning of 2022, which is
the injection every two weeks.
Keep in the fridge all thethings you know black box,
cancer causing things All thesethings were like not in my brain

(06:18):
.
I was like this is going tomake me feel better.
Yes, I'll do this.
So I did the Humira and I wasgreat.
I had really nice, lovelyhealth from probably beginning
of spring to October of 2022.
Even so far as like when I wentto go to see my GI for the like
a colonoscopy checkup inSeptember of 2022.
He's like it's golden, you'regood, like you've healed, your

(06:39):
colon is healed, like I mean,you know, well, done you as if.
But I was like great, okay,I'll just keep taking the
medicine, this is something thatI can manage, and maybe even I
might get to go off the medicine, you know, and it will all be
okay.
That was September, october.
I started to feel kind of tiredand kind of run down November,
same thing very busy months forus October, november, december.

(07:00):
So just like kind of justtrying to keep up with it all
and just trying to be where Ineeded to be and just feeling
just like not myself.
By the time beginning ofDecember, sorry, rolled around,
I was back in like these are UCsymptoms again, you know, let my
doctor know, and they have torun all the tests right To make
sure it's not like bacterial.
So that took time.
So making sure it's not C diffor making sure it's not, you

(07:21):
know, whatever, what have you onthe list of things that they
check.
So all of this taking time.
Meanwhile I'm getting sickerand sicker.
And then Christmas and all thethings and all the traveling and
all the you know events and itjust it was just very draining
time for me.
So wrapped up the year with likea really bad kind of sickness.
I don't know it wasn't COVID,but it was just a really bad

(07:42):
like virus.
I ended up in the hospital, inthe ER, on January 2nd because I
just wasn't able to like keepanything down high fever, all
the things and they did the scanand I remember like them saying
oh, you know, we don't showanything in the abdomen except
you know.
And then I looked at the paperand it's like complete collapse
of whatever distal colon.

(08:04):
And I remember thinking like Iwas so sick and so tired that I
just wanted to go home.
I thought, okay, everything'sfine, I'm good, I'll go home and
I'll take these antibiotics andI'll feel better.
And then I read the piece ofpaper and I'm like I wonder, did
they see that?
Is that supposed to becollapsed?
I'm thinking no, because thatdoesn't sound right.
So, got home, got a little bitbetter enough to go back to work

(08:27):
, and at the time I was workingin a hospital setting, a PHP
setting for mental health.
I was doing assessments foracute issues with teenagers, so
basically suicidal like ideationand all that assessment.
So I really loved my work.
It was a lot, though, you know,and so I was kind of trying to
manage me and then them, and itwas just I felt I was just it

(08:49):
was heavy, right, so, cause Ididn't really know what was
going on, then January, onJanuary 25th 2023, my
mother-in-law, who I've knownbecause I've married my high
school sweetheart.
I've known her since I was 14,very quickly, very suddenly
passed away, was 14, veryquickly, very suddenly passed
away.
Like, I mean, we just she wassick.
She went to the hospital.

(09:10):
My husband called me on the wayto work and said my mom's in
the hospital, it doesn't lookgood and she has COVID by 10 AM.
They had said you know she'snot going to make it.
And so I got back in my car,came back home.
You know we're on the phone,everyone's so emotional, my
son's calling, everyone'scalling my daughter's, like I'm
trying to come back from TCU.
It's just, it's a lot, it's allthe things.
And so get my husband situatedand get him to California.

(09:31):
So he got there just in timefor her to kind of let go.
I mean she was all hooked upand gone, but she was there when
he got there.
Right about that time mydaughter got home from TCU.
I kind of like, you know,helped her, consoled her, put
her in bed, kind of tucked herin and I was like, okay, you
know, just watch this, or youknow, you know, hang out here.
You know I'm going to go take ashower.

(09:53):
I went to go take a shower and,for the first time in my life,
did a breast exam, not onpurpose, just because I was just
like washing away all thethings and just trying.
I was very emotional, crying,and I felt a lump and I was like
, hmm, that's new, I think, andokay.
So I get out of the shower andI'm thinking, well, I can't like
tell anyone because everyone'ssuper sad right now, like I

(10:17):
can't be like oh, I found a lump, you know.
So I did the same thing I didwhen I got my symptoms for IBD.
I called my doctor right away,like you know, I just right away
and she's like, okay, let's,let's get you in, we'll get you
in, we do a biopsy.
I said, fine, it's probably,they're probably nothing, let's
just get it checked out.
I said, okay, meanwhile still,I've already lost 10 pounds,
started to kind of taper, so 10pounds down at that point.

(10:46):
And then they scheduled thesonograms or whatever it was
that they had to do scans Iswear all that is still really a
bit of a blur Scheduled themand then Dallas froze.
So no appointments, no, nothing, we're stuck and it's cold and
it's dark and we're all sad andI've got this bump and I don't
know what it is and I'm losingweight and I can't eat and, like

(11:08):
you know, my everyone it wasjust awful, so that kind of that
.
Finally let up.
I got in, got my scans done andgot my diagnosis on February
14th 2023, triple negativebreast cancer, stage two 67%
growth rate or something.
There's a number that they callit, but that means that it was
a fast growing tumor, so not agood number.

(11:28):
That was like we would haveliked that to be lower, you know
, but it was fast.
So I remember standing there inthe kitchen and, like right
before I got the diagnosis, Iremember looking at my husband
and thinking, you know, I thinkthat I'll get better, like I'll
feel better once I know thatthis is gone.
You know, I know that it'snothing, you know, and I
remember thinking that andreally believing it.
You know it's like this is notgoing to be anything.
And so when it was my body justlike cramped down, I mean, it

(11:52):
was just like fear just came,all the things.
So I had to figure out how tolike tell my kids and tell my
family and tell all the people.
Meanwhile I've got to startplanning for treatment.
So kind of got all those ducksin a row.
From February 14th till aboutthe 23rd I was doing all of
those things meeting with myoncologist, my oncology surgeon,

(12:12):
finding out where the cancercenter is at Presby here in
Dallas, all these things thatyou know, I didn't know.
And my daughter was slated togo to Europe.
They both were both my kids, togo to Europe for travel abroad
that coming summer.
And I knew that my husband hadone of us had to go with her to
the post office to get herpassport done on the 23rd and I

(12:33):
just was like I just need to getto that day.
You know, it was like short,little small goals already.
I was like pinching my life offinto these tiny increments just
to like kind of make it through.
And so my husband went to FortWorth, got all that done, you
know, and my daughter said, youknow, I said okay, if I'm still
going.
I said, of course you know, yes, still go.
She said would you tell me if Ishouldn't go?
And I said, yes, I would, butyou're going to go.

(12:53):
So I wanted them both to go dotheir things.
He came home from the postoffice and within about 12 hours
my IBD became unmanageable,like it was just I called my you
know, portaled my doctor, who'sgreat, super responsive, and
he's like you're not able tomanage this at home, you need to
go to the hospital.
And I was like whoa, okay.
And then that kind of made merealize how sick I was.

(13:14):
And I can remember being likeyou know, gathering up my things
and stuff to kind of get readyto go to the hospital.
And as we're on our way there,I can just feel it Like I was
just like going down, like I'mlike this is not good, not good.
And I got in there and I waslike all the diarrhea, all the
vomiting, all the cramping,super fatigued, confused, scared

(13:34):
, all the things Get in the bedand I'm tachycardic because like
my heart rate's racing but Ihave low blood pressure, so all
the things are like off andscrewy.
So they admitted me.
I was there for four days, forfive days, and they kind of got
under control, gave me some iron, gave me IV steroids and then
decided to move me to Antibioand so the plan was okay.

(13:57):
So you're going to check out atthis hospital and you're going
to go get your Antibio shot onthe way home at the clinic next
door and you're going to go home, rest, the Antibio will kick in
.
That's the second dose I had.
Yeah, the first dose was backin January and they said it'll
take a couple weeks and I said,okay, we'll just Dallas that
night.
So I'm in bed and a huge storm,just like winds from all sorts
of sites, all the places, and Ican remember that.

(14:19):
And then I remember fallingasleep and then I remember
waking up with just like all mysymptoms.
My fever was back like up to102.5.
I was like diarrhea, supertired up, you know, up and down,
up and down, and I kept poppingZofran because they'd given me
the Zofran at the hospital and Ithought to myself, if I could
just keep myself from throwingup, I can maybe stay home,
because throwing up still got mein the hospital back in January

(14:41):
.
So you tell yourself all thesethings, you know like you have
some kind of impact on what'sgoing to happen and you just
like, don't you know what'sgoing to happen is going to
happen.
So next thing I know I wake upand my husband's like clapping
his hands, like I had passed outin the bathroom, cut my lip on
the tile on the floor.
So he had called 911 and then,like, gotten me awake, you know,

(15:01):
and in the ambulance back toPresby and this time, though,
all the same symptoms, you know,still not able to control my
bowel, still super nauseated,still tachycardic, still high
fever, but this time I had anadded bonus of like a head
injury.
So I like couldn't talk.
Really, like my husband waslike when is your son's birthday
?
And I was like, and I can't ifyou've never been in that

(15:25):
position, you can't explain whatit feels like to like want to
say something.
And like I'm looking at himlike how can I not be saying
this?
But I couldn't say it.
So kind of managing all that.
You know, doctors are coming in, one's sewing up my lip, the
other doctor's coming in andhe's like, well, the antibio is
definitely not working.
And I'm thinking, okay, bigpicture people like you know.
And I look over and I see mysurgeon, who I had met, a

(15:47):
surgeon who I had met the weekbefore when I first got admitted
, and he's like you probablydon't need me, but this is what
I do.
I remove colons, and it's avery successful surgery because
it relieves the symptomsimmediately.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,you have an ostomy.
I'm like, oh, I'm sorry, ohwhat?
And you know, that's kind ofwhere I was, I didn't know.
So then I, at the second time,admitted I saw him and he was

(16:08):
standing in the corner and justvery like calm and pensive and
head down, and just like just Icould tell he was thinking, and
he was the only one that wasn'tbarking stuff at me.
Like you know, this is what wedid.
We need to change this or thisand this.
And I just needed someone tolike hold it and just care for
me and like get me calm and getme you know.
So oncologist came, my oncologysurgeon came, everyone came and

(16:29):
they were like, okay, we, wecan't let you go home again
because you have to start chemo.
We can't let you go home againbecause you have to start chemo.
And you know we need to fixthis, we need to get you stable,
whatever that looks like Ifit's long-term, you're in the
hospital and we start chemo here.
That was one of the things thatwas on the table, whatever it
looked like.
At that point I finally feltlike, okay, somebody gets the
fact that I'm really struggling,I have a lot to do.

(16:51):
And so I stayed and man, you.
And so I stayed and, man, Imean, I tried everything to get
my colon to heal.
You know, I was like doing theprayers, doing the manifesting,
doing the visualization, andtalking to my colon, all the
things you know like, because Iwanted to get better, I wanted
to get stronger, to go home, youknow, and and and surgery to me
felt like the wrong way to go,you know cause I felt like gosh.

(17:13):
Well, I'm not going to cut openmy body when I have to do all
these other things, right so?
But a week and a half went byand there I am in this room.
You know, like a lovely.
I've been in all the rooms atPresby, by the way, all the
towers, I'm not no joke.
This is by far the best.
It's in Hammond.
It's a lovely room, woodpaneling, it's got a little
seated area with a place wheremy husband could sleep and he

(17:35):
stayed with me all the nights inthe hospital, and I've been in
there for like 60 days, totalover two years, and I could see
Dallas outside Meanwhile, likespring is popping, like things
are blooming and I'm thinkinghow am I going to get out there?
I don't know how to get outthere, because I am in here and
all I do all day is eat and thenreport on my bowel movements on

(17:56):
this board.
And then someone comes in andtalks to me about it.
You know, the hospital doctorsare always tricky because they
really they're not your doctors,right?
So well, it's not good that youhave that.
I said I know, I know.
So like, I mean, it's just dayafter day, tracking, pooping,
eating, tracking, talking aboutit, my husband's writing it up
there, he talking about it, myhusband's writing it up there.
He's like there's more bloodthis time or less this time.
I'm like, oh my God, I mean,this is where we are, but that's

(18:17):
where we were right.
So they did another colonoscopyafter a week and a half to see
if they had seen any changes.
If they saw any changes, theremight be a chance that I could,
you know, be able to come out ofthis without surgery.
Well, it had gone the other way.
So the GI doctor who did thecolonoscopy said to me and I'll
never forget it I woke up and hesaid to me well, that is an
impressive amount of colitis.

(18:38):
I was like, do you mean a lot?
And he said, yeah.
So, like these words that showup in doctors use like rare
white blood cells.
It's not special white bloodcells, it's few.
You know anyway all these termsthat the doctors use anyway for
someone like me who loves toread and write, and I'm like
impressive, really A lot.
He's like yeah, a lot.

(18:58):
I said okay.
So my surgeon came back to seeme that day and he said so,
given the findings and givenwhat you have ahead of you, this
is what we recommend.
And at that point I was okaywith it because I was really,
really sick.
I mean, I was losing weight andmy husband, like I could still
hear he like kind of coughed upinto a little cry at that point

(19:19):
and I looked at him like, areyou okay?
And he's like well, no, I saidI mean either.
But like you know, it's so hardto be a caregiver, right,
you're just, you're on theoutside, we're locked into the
struggle.
You know we have to be there.
They're on the outside.
It's different, it's hard.
So I said, okay, let's do it.
You know, can we do it, likeright now?
And he's like no, we have towait till Wednesday.
I'm like, oh, my God.
So to another day, another dayof 24 hours of prep.

(19:42):
So another, you know all thethings, and that point, the time
just like was so slow and I'mlike I just want to get it done.
And I remember just thinking,okay, all right, okay, let's
just do this, you know, and Ihad no idea what was in my
future really, all I knew wasthat I was not doing well, I was

(20:04):
not going to pull out of thisin a way that would be in time
to fight this cancer that Icould already feel was growing.
So surgery happened on aWednesday.
I stayed, and to the hospital,I think until Tuesday, they
thought I could go home, youknow, sooner.
I was so weak, you know, justso weak, that I just I stayed
till I felt like I could walkacross a room, you know, I mean,
that's kind of where I was at,you know, and I would sit down

(20:26):
on a toilet and I would.
I would having to use the barsto pull myself up and I'm I mean
, I've been a runner my wholelife.
Strength, it's all part of whoI thought I was.
All of a sudden I can't standup off the toilet.
I'm like, oh my God, I need tobe able to stand up, you know.
So just kept, you know, walkingand waiting and waiting.
So, anyway, finally got homefrom the hospital March 22nd and

(20:47):
then, just like, set on a likea path to get stronger, to eat
the food, to move the body, toget me to a place where, like
all my blood work was okay andstrong enough for me to start
chemotherapy.
And I managed to do all that.
I started chemotherapy on May1st.
Meanwhile I'm becoming friendswith my new ostomy Friends is a

(21:09):
really generous word.
At that point it was just likea total stranger.
I didn't understand what wasgoing on.
I didn't have any clue how towork the tools, the equipment,
what I needed to order.
Where do I order it?
From what size?
How do I know?
You mean, I have to cut itevery time, I have to trace it,
like, how do I know how big itis?
I mean, it was all just like sohard, you know.

(21:29):
But I just, I guess I, littleby little, I just kind of kept
at it and eventually got strongenough to where, yeah, I started
chemo on May 1st.
So, yeah, at that point my IBDkind of took a backseat, really,
you know, it was healed in thesense that I wasn't having the
cramping anymore, you know,still having, you know, some
like rectal pressure and rectaldischarge and like some bleeding

(21:51):
and all the things that youknow.
I was like okay, okay, this iswhat we're doing now.
So, like it was just, it kindof just kept changing and kept
evolving as far as like what Iwas dealing with on the daily.
But yeah, I started chemo May1st, proceeded through chemo for
May, june, july.
Very end of July I switched tothe stronger medicine, which is

(22:12):
they call the red double.
It's like the really strong one.
I had already lost half my headof hair after being in the
hospital after the IBD, whichwas just like I mean, I get home
, I've got this ostomy and likeno, no weight on me, and all of
a sudden I'm brushing my hairand it's just like falling out.
And then there it was just likeon the counter, this like mound
of hair.

(22:32):
I just burst into tears, youknow.
So then you know I've got thissuper, super thin hair and
they're like, well, you're goingto want to do cold cap.
You know, you already kind ofdon't have a lot of hair and I'm
like I know I yeah if.
I had a full head of hair, Iwould try it.
And then to top it off, myoncologist was like, oh, but by
the way, the second medicationyou're on, the cold cap, won't

(22:57):
do anything.
It's too strong, so don't evenbother.
So I didn't.
Mid-may I ended up shaving therest of my head.
I bought two wigs.
I wore each one of them exactlytwo times, not comfortable with
, like portraying anything thatwasn't authentic to what I was
going through, like it was justI'm like this is happening.
This is what my head looks like.
Near the end of chemo I hadneutropenic fever.
For a week I had to go back inthe hospital, so another tower,
another room, all of this, likewith my ostomy right.

(23:19):
So, like you know, I'm hookedup to all this stuff I've got.
I'm running a fever of 103.
They're trying to figure outwhat's going on.
They're dosing me withantibiotics and trying to keep
the fever down, finallyunderstanding that it is
neutropenic fever because I havejust like zero of the neutrals,
all the things, and it causes afever in some people.
So I kind of just kept goingand by that time I had become

(23:39):
proficient enough with, you know, changing my bag.
I'm the only one who's everchanged my bag, except for a
stoma nurse.
No one's ever helped me with anyof that.
I never felt comfortable withthat, you know.
So it was all me.
But by that time I had becomeefficient enough to be able to
manage it.
Plus, I wasn't eating anything.
So there was that, you know,made it a little bit easier.
To be honest, got out of thehospital and came home and

(24:02):
basically went to bed for a week.
Like I did not get better.
I still had two more doses ofthe red devil, that chemo to go.
But I went in to go see myoncologist and she's like how
was this past week?
And I said I've been in bed thewhole week with a fever still.
And she just looked at me andshe said you're done, no more
chemo for you.
Like we're just going to wrap itup here and we're going to go
do the surgery in three or fourweeks and that's it.

(24:24):
So I didn't get to like ringthe bell or anything Like I
didn't get to do that.
All she did was like she sent,that's okay, and I hadn't
registered.
You know that about the bellthing until much later, but I
didn't get to do that and I feellike that was like you know,
that's significant to completion.
You know, because I rememberthinking, like every time I go
in for my chemo treatments, likemy prayer was always that my

(24:46):
blood work was good enough forme to continue to receive
treatment.
I'm like the only thing I don'twant to hear is that I'm too
sick to get treatment.
Well, I finally was too sick.
However, double mastectomyhappened and the pathology came
back super clean the holy grailof results.
Like you know, I didn't needthe extra two doses, so you know
whoever was watching over andmaking all those choices.

(25:07):
Again, I didn't need it, so hadthat surgery still with the
ostomy.
So now I've got, you know,bandages and all the stitches
and I've got four drains.
Because there's four drains,you know you get the one drain
when you got the colectomy.
You get four drains for adouble mastectomy.
So four drains, all thebandages and my ostomy, all the
things happening on my body I'mlike this is, I mean, unreal

(25:29):
really kept getting better andstronger and all along still
like thinking, okay, so I'mgoing to go for my reversal
because there's no reason not tothere.
I didn't have any reasonmedically why they didn't think
that I could have a reverse.
So I went to go see my surgeon,planned for like beginning of
April Cause he thought, okay,let's give you like three months
, because I the end of DecemberI had my swap out, my

(25:50):
reconstruction surgery surgery.
So they take out the tissueexpanders and they put in the
implants and they took out myport, which was kind of a big
deal because I had been in foreight months and it was you know
, that's a lot right there onyour shoulder so got that out
and got those in and then justagain started to continue to
heal again and then developedlike a lot of inflammation and a
lot of pain around my chest andthen a sizable like lump on one

(26:13):
of my knees and my anklestarted to hurt.
Then I started to develop whatthey called cellulitis.
She thought it was cellulitis.
My breast surgeon.
She's like you should start onantibiotics.
That looks like it could becellulitis, because it was like
kind of warm and red and I waslike, oh okay, so I started the
antibiotics and it kind of itgot worse.
So then I texted my plasticsurgeon and I was like it's
Saturday this is getting worse,not better.

(26:35):
Sunday was Easter Sunday and myright breast just exploded like
it.
Just the skin gave way and notthe implant.
The implant didn't explode, mybody was just like there was
just all this pus.
It was just everywhere.
I mean, you know, and I justremember holding it and looking
at my husband and like I thinkI'm in trouble, like something's
not.
This is not good.
Yeah.
So Easter we just kind of Imean, I, he's like you're, if

(26:56):
you could the stuff I hearmyself say that I did is like
he's like if you could just getit, if you could just squeeze it
all out, you know, and get itto where it's not coming out
anymore, then you know, thenjust put a bandage on it and
we'll see you tomorrow, monday.
So I went in, I did, I went into see him on Monday and he said
yeah, your body's rejectingthese for whatever reason they
need to come out.

(27:16):
Not a problem for me.
I literally hated them from thesecond I had them.
I knew it from the second.
I got up from my bed after thereconstruction I said these are
heavy, these are uncomfortable,what size are these?
And I just I didn't want them.
So anyway, they got taken outApril-ish, very beginning of
April and had to postpone mysurgery, for the reversal was

(27:37):
scheduled for April 8th.
So I had to postpone that.
Talking to my surgeon, he'slike, okay, don't worry, you're
going to, it's good, you know.
But then all the inflammationkept coming and I it kind of
didn't go away.
The leg thing, and then thechest pain and it was just like
nobody could figure out what itwas.
You know, nobody really knowsthe.
You know they're like we're notsure it could be
costochondritis, which is likeinflammation in the joints in
your chest.
But then why is my knee thesize of like a tennis ball, like

(28:00):
below my knee, like I had twoknees?
So I finally just one daychecked myself into the ER
because I was like I am, I'm sotired and I'm so sick, and so I
was there for about a week.
Finally they, once they ran allthe tests, they realized it was
inflammation, started me onprednisone and renvoque at the
same time and while it took awhile for everything to like
calm down and go away, Iinstantly felt like the fire

(28:22):
inside had been put out, like Iwas on fire before and it was
calming it down.
So whatever that was, wasinflammation related, most
likely to IBD, right, so notrelated to the breast cancer at
all.
So, got home from that, mysurgeon's like we really want
you off steroids for at leasteight weeks six to eight weeks
before we do your surgery.
So I'm like, man, this isanother long game, okay.

(28:43):
Cause my GI doctor's like youneed to stay on these for four
weeks and then transition to theRENVOC and then taper and taper
slow, Cause you don't want togo.
So, man, it was like justplodding along, you know waiting
.
Then I finally got there,finally got to my J-PALP.
Surgery was August 26th.
It went great, like nocomplications for the doctor,
for me.
It sent me into like some kindof crazy anxiety spiral Like I

(29:08):
was.
I've never been that anxious inmy life.
I started some medication overthe summer just because I felt
like I should probably let'sjust like get ahead of this and
I might be developing someanxiety and all the things my
oncologist had prescribed it,because they say that after you
get the diagnosis of, like evenwhen you're in the clear, you
kind of go through like anemotional trough.
Well, I didn't reallyexperience that so much really

(29:28):
until this past month, january.
But that's the end of my story.
So I had started on someantidepressants but nothing was
working.
I felt like I was swimmingupstream, like I just felt so
anxious, so so anxious, and I'mnot used to that.
I haven't dealt with realanxiety like that ever in my
life.
I don't know what it was about,you know, but now I had a new
ostomy different shape,different deal further up the

(29:52):
road, you know, like differentoutput, and then, like I got the
sores around it like I did thefirst time.
So I had lots of stoma carethere, lots of pain and dealing
with that.
But I got a lot better,stronger, by probably beginning
of November, started to feelreally good.
November was great.
Beginning of December was goodtoo.
And then I had my takedownsurgery November 21st.

(30:14):
That went great too.
From the doctor's perspective,everything looked great.
You know we had a couple scansbefore that, lots of things to
happen to build up to that.
But you know, all went well andhe was like, yes, this is,
you're great, good to go.
What was really beautiful is Iwoke up from that surgery with
not as much anxiety.
I was so grateful.
I'm like, oh, my God, okay.

Speaker 1 (30:32):
Like I know this is going to be hard, but I don't
have that feeling.

Speaker 3 (30:35):
I kind of went on with with trying to heal from
that which you know is differentfor everyone and exhausting and
not something you like talkabout, you know, even in your
home, with the people who areyour people.
So now I am 10 weeks fromtakedown and I just finished the
second, pretty significantround of antibiotics because I

(30:55):
developed, I guess, pouchitis,which just made the whole thing,
you know, harder.
But they responded well to theantibiotics.
I'm currently like trying tosee, like I'm off the
antibiotics now.
Am I, am I headed back towardpouchitis, or is this just
normal healing?
And again, that's alwaysindividual, so hard to say.
And then I guess, to wrap itall up, I mean I'm in a really
good spot now today, you know,as of maybe the last week,

(31:19):
mentally, january proved to belike my emotional trough and my
body felt it.
I mean it was like for twoyears I had been had on the
calendar, you know, this surgery, this surgery, this treatment,
this scan, this thing.
All of a sudden it's wide open,right, and it's like I should
be happy, but I'm like it's justme now, you know, and how to

(31:41):
navigate that right, and so likemy body just kind of went into
like I don't know full panicagain really, and I was just
super anxious, higher heart rate, not sleeping that well.
I did all the things, you know.
I got some therapy, I got youknow some energy work done.
I've, you know, I have anutritionist.
I try to move my body.
I do all the things.
I've been writing in a journalreligiously for like one year

(32:03):
now, three pages a day and thathas literally saved me from so
many really dark moments.
And then, yeah, and then I justkind of had it in my head to
maybe I might want to share mystory.
You know, on this podcast thatI've heard before where people
talk about the things thatnobody's talking about, and so
it just kind of came to me likea one of those things that just
comes to you.
I'm going to message them andsee if they might be interested.

(32:23):
And so I was still in kind of areally rough place at that
point.
That was mid-January.
So, yeah, feeling much betternow, overall, body-wise,
trauma-wise, anxiety-wise, stillhaving some symptoms.
But it's like, okay, now I justtake that as a symptom and then
we're just going to treat it.
It's not a symptom and thenwe're going to treat it Like

(32:44):
it's, you know, trying not tolike go like, oh my God, it's
failing, I'm going to go downagain, you know, because I've
been, you know cause I've donethat and I've been in and out of
the hospital so much and so,and that it could happen again
over and over.
But, like about a week ago, Idon't know, all of a sudden I

(33:06):
just started to feel better andstarted pushing myself less,
putting less expectations.
I thought that I'd be back likeat my full, like speed, like
beginning of January, you know,like six weeks, six, eight weeks
after my surgery.
Nope, not even close.
So you know, just being really,really patient with myself,
like unrelentlessly patient, andthat is hard, but I think it's

(33:29):
kind of what's helped me pullout of this.

Speaker 1 (33:31):
We appreciate you reaching out and being willing
to share your story because,yeah, it takes all kinds of
stories to make people feel likethey're heard and part of the
community.
So thank you for doing that.
I know it's not easy to sharethis at all, and I think it
makes sense that you hit thetrough because, frankly, there
is something about being theproject manager of your life
that gives you something to doand now you don't have a project

(33:52):
to manage.
You know what I mean.
Like it's like you don't havethe next crisis to manage, and
so now it's the time where yourbody just lets go of that.
So it makes sense that you kindof hit that trough, for sure.

Speaker 3 (34:02):
Yeah, I feel that too .
I feel that too in a big way.

Speaker 2 (34:05):
But I hope that you feel empowered by sharing that
incredible story that I whoa,I'm holding my breath as you're
talking.
That was so much, but I feellike sharing that and saying you
you know you got through to theother side despite every single
thing.
That is incredible.

Speaker 3 (34:22):
Yeah, it feels really good to be here and be able to
tell that and yeah, it is a lot.
I mean, I still feel like it'sa lot when I'm telling people
and I still don't really tellall the things you know, because
it's two years of my life, andso, yeah, I appreciate the space
to be able to do that.
So, thank you.

Speaker 1 (34:40):
Yeah, I appreciate the space to be able to do that,
so thank you.
So you both are healthcareprofessionals in different means
.
Well, and again I took enoughsort of understanding of the
social work profession to becomedangerous as it relates to
therapy.
So I am curious how thatfunctions as it relates to your
specific disease states Because,like, obviously you are a
mental health professional,Stacey, you are a nurse.

(35:01):
When you add that layer ofunderstanding of healthcare into
your disease, are there timeswhere it's easier and times
where it's harder?
Curious what layer that adds.

Speaker 3 (35:12):
There's two different things that I want to talk
about with that.
First of all, yes, I was justknowledgeable enough to be
dangerous to myself, really,okay.
So, like prior to getting sick,I was doing a lot of reading
about trauma in the body andstorage and that you know trauma
stays in the body and you knowI would talk about it and I
would try to, you know, helppeople and all you know give the

(35:34):
advice and all the things.
And then I was reading a lot ofDr Gabor Mate, who wrote a lot
of really good stuff aboutdifferent diseases and their
biopsychosocial profiles, right.
So like I had read about whatautoimmune disorders look like
as it shows up in the human,like yes, these are hyper
independent human beingstypically.
You know, like there's justlike a you know a list.

(35:55):
It covers cancer, and Iremember reading about it,
thinking, oh well, that's athing I don't have and so that
doesn't apply to me and I don'tdo that.
So, and then you know it goeslots of things.
So I had all this knowledgeright.
So when I got sick, it became myfault because I was like these
things happen because of thesethings that we do or don't do in

(36:15):
the environment and I wasn'tfar enough away from it to
understand that.
Well, one, it's not my faultand two, it's generational,
right.
So I mean this stuff can comefrom like generations before me
and I could still be workingthat out, right?
So it's not mine.
And I remember my surgeon who Ijust like adore he's just the

(36:35):
most compassionate surgeon I'veever met when he said we're
going to do this surgery, we'regoing to get that colon out,
we're going to get it out, youknow, and I, you know it was
emotional, and so it was myhusband and he just looked right
at me and he just said this isnot your fault, you didn't do
anything wrong.
And I just like I held ontothat like a life jacket because
I thought I feel like I amdrowning and I'm failing and

(36:56):
it's all my fault.
So that part, the knowledge ofthose things and the way that
our genetics and interact withour environment, and the
triggers and yes, I know that2020 was a rough year and I know
I put my body through it andI'm sure for sure that triggered
my symptoms to start, but Imean, you know it was a pandemic
.
It's like, you know, that's notmy fault.
So, yes, medically.

(37:18):
I had a lot of that knowledge.
And then, additionally, I hadall the knowledge of like you
know what you're supposed to beable to like do when you're
anxious, like, okay, you need tolike move, or you need to like
write, or you need to like talkto somebody or you need.
You know all the things, but Ihad never been in like a freeze
where you can't, and I remembermy husband looking at me and

(37:39):
he's like one day he's like youknow, maybe if you just like get
up and move around or you dothis, and that I said you don't
understand, I can't, and,knowing it, it's like you think
it's going to protect you insome way.
You know like, oh, I understandanxiety, so therefore I got
this, I'm good, but that doesn'twork that way.
So you know all the levelshappen the fight, the fright,
the freeze, all the things youknow, even fawning, even like

(38:02):
being like oh, I feel a littlebit better when I don't really
feel all that better to likemanage my anxiety and the
anxiety of people around me, andall you know the things so
helpful and hurtful.
And the thing I have learnedabout this journey is that two
things are true almost all thetime and we have to honor that
because they're there andthey're both true.

(38:23):
So, yes, the knowledge bothhelped me and, I think I know,
added to my struggles, for sure,you know, and even, like you
know, assessing suicide for solong, you know, and
understanding the levels ofwhere you get to that Thinking
like, having thoughts like Idon't know if I can do this
anymore, and knowing that I washigh on the spectrum as far as

(38:46):
not being a danger to myself, Iwas, I'm safe, right, you know,
but also knowing I've never hadthoughts like that before, Like
I've never thought I can't dothis.
I've had two kids and they'vebeen teenagers, and my husband
and I have had ups and downs andmy parents have been sick and
my dad's had brain injuries andall the things, and I've loved
and lost people and all thethings.
I've never thought I don't knowif I can do this.

(39:07):
And it showed up.
It showed up for sure, and itshowed up mostly on the IBD side
.
And that's kind of why, youknow, one reason why I was so
grateful to find this platform,to be able to share this,
because the cancer cancer is sowell known, right?
I mean, we all talk aboutcancer and it's on all the
things and it's the biggestdonation and all the you know.

(39:30):
And then you know peoplefighting cancer on Instagram and
their heads are bald andthey're or they're fighting it
and their heads aren't bald.
And I'm thinking why do youhave your hair?
That's not fair.
You know like, so there's it'sjust a much more talked about
thing.
And like that whole time I wasgoing through it, I was getting
all sorts of support from mycommunity, like you know plants
and gifts and stuffed animalsand cards and all the things For

(39:52):
2023, once 2024 rolled aroundand my job was different.
Now I had recovered from thecancer, right, yay, that's great
and it is, and it's not a smallthing.
But now I need to put my bodyback together.
And what does that look like?
And I'm more alone because it'snot, it's not a thing that
everybody talks about or thatanybody really talks about.

Speaker 2 (40:11):
You find it like humbling, or even just like a
little bit scary, to be on thereceiving end of that care,
because I think that I didsocial work for about 15 years
before I went into nursing andso I did trauma nursing and
surgical intensive care and so Iknew, when things went wrong,
like how to deal with it as thecaregiver.
But to be in that bed and toask for help and to have
somebody clean up my mess youknow what was that like for you

(40:34):
to be in that receiving position, for you know medical services
and you know mental healthservices Was that challenging.

Speaker 3 (40:43):
I mean yeah Humbling is the best word for that
because I mean I have alwaysbeen, I got this.
I'm strong.
I mean I'm an Aries, I'm youknow all the things I'm like I'm
I'm an Aries, I'm you know allthe things.
I'm.
Like I don't need help.
And then I did, and so I didn'teven have a chance to like ask
for help.
Like I went from like stoicallymanaging my chronic illness

(41:06):
that was never going to go awayforever, to receiving a cancer
diagnosis and then managing youknow how to tell my parents, how
to tell my kids, you know allthat to all of a sudden I'm in a
hospital bed and I can'tcontrol my body.
Like I've lost control, anyillusion of control that I
thought I had gone.

Speaker 2 (41:28):
I mean oh yeah, we're not in the driver's seat, no,
we're not, we're never, we neverare, and I and I, and then
again.

Speaker 3 (41:39):
That's another thing where you think it's one thing
to like say it, and then it'sanother thing to be like, oh
shit, yeah, the keys I'm out,like, yeah, I, I got nothing.
All I can do is just hope thateverybody is gonna care for me
in the way that you know andhelp me I, you know again yeah,
so humbling is the is the wordthat I would say.

Speaker 2 (41:52):
Yeah, for sure do you feel like your experience has
kind of changed the trajectoryof how you manage, how you deal
with your patients?

Speaker 3 (42:00):
now?
Well, I haven't gone back towork yet oh okay, and I've been
pretty, you know, intentionalabout that.
I'm not.
I again, like I said, just aslast week, I'm not in a space to
be able to hold space foranyone Like I.
You know, and I and I also know, I know that I needed to set
better boundaries as far as,like, even just absorbing

(42:20):
energies, right, so like yes,yes, a friend of mine was like
I'm an empath, I can't really doit.

Speaker 2 (42:24):
I was like, oh, I think that I do.
So when my patients are upset,I take that home with me, I eat
it and then I just I live withit.
And so, yes, the boundaries arehard to set in certain.
You know jobs and life for sure.
You're absolutely no you'reabsolutely right.

Speaker 3 (42:40):
And I remember, like I work with a quantum energy
worker and she's been veryhelpful and she's wonderful and,
among my other, all my otherpeople that have helped me, like
nutritionists and doctors andmy current therapist all the
things.
When we first started workingtogether, she was noticing that
I was carrying around a lot ofpeople's energies, you know, and
she would tell me how many andthen I would kind of you know,
we'd kind of assess who theywere.

(43:01):
And finally, I think it wasafter my second Instagram post
where I started to sort of sharemy story and you know, I had
already said before that I havesomething about cancer, and so
people were responding in droves.
You know, these people thatlove me and I'm so grateful and
I'm so loved and it's, it'swonderful.
However, I was not managing myenergy well.

(43:22):
So I showed up to a session andshe was like um, did you go to
like a festival or something, ordid you go to like a concert or
like on an airplane?
I'm like no, my bedroom, like Iknow.
She's like, because you'recarrying around 350 people's
energy right now, I go, well, Iposted on Instagram and she's
like yeah, that might do it.
So I couldn't do that anymore.
And then right after that iskind of when my body started to

(43:42):
go get sick again, like I gotall the inflammation and the
rejection of the implants andall the things.
So, yes, energy management issomething that I never even
really thought about.
I just thought, okay, I'll justlike I'll go for a run or I'll
go jog it out or whatever.
But it's different.
It's attention to where you endand they and they begin.
It's attention to do you reallywant to be where you are, like

(44:03):
you know, like saying yes tothings that you don't want to go
to, or saying it's time to gowhen I'm tired, and like really
honoring that on, relentlesslyhonoring your space and your
energy.
That's what I've learned.
So now, I mean I now when I seeher?
You know, I see her everycouple months or so.
The last three times I haven'tbeen carrying around anybody's

(44:23):
energy and I'm like that's sogreat.
I mean, you know, because I canbe in my life and love all my
people and care for everyone,but I don't need to carry it,
you know, and learning how to dothat, I don't think I would
have figured that out, you know,I don't know how I would have
figured that out.

Speaker 1 (44:40):
How do you undo what comes naturally to you?
You know it's like how do youstop being blonde?
You know this is part of you,so it is difficult to try to
figure out how to do that.
I don't know.
We've had a lot of folks thatreally have openly talked about
like journaling and writing andthat side of how you're coping
with your disease.
Is this always something you'vedone?
Is this just a part of you orhow did you start this?

(45:01):
What would you tell people thatwant to take this on as a way
to kind of channel stress?

Speaker 3 (45:08):
So I've never been a good journaler ever, I mean, I
love to write.
I've been.
I love to write things andwrite papers.
I love to write Journaling.
No, I don't need a record ofwhat I've done or what I haven't
done or how I feel about it.
I don't need that.

Speaker 1 (45:22):
It feels very self-indulgent.
Indulgent, right, it does yeah.

Speaker 3 (45:26):
So I've got journals that are like quarter-filled,
half-filled, and your questionabout what I would tell people
is like circling in my brain,because what happened was during
the year of the 2023, when Iwas the new, ostomy was new and
the cancer was being treated andall the things.
I did pick up a little journalevery now and then and I would
start to write and, man, I waslike I can't do this anymore.
This is sad, like cause, thisgirl is sad.

(45:48):
Like everything was like I'machy but I'm restless.
I'm hot but I'm like freezing.
I'm hungry but I'm nauseous.
Like I have no hair on my bodybut I'm 51.
Like it was, like it was justsad and I was like I can't do
this anymore.
So I kind of put it away andthen I just took that off the
plate for me.
Like I was like this is notworking for me and it was more
in the looking back, right.

(46:08):
So in the writing, I do believethat in the act of writing,
that being present and even justlike simply being present
enough to write is verycentering.
So I do believe that thatprobably helped me while I was
writing.
It was the looking back that Iwas like this is too hard.
This is too sad.
By the time January of 2024rolled around, I was healing
enough to where I felt like myjuices were starting to flow.

(46:30):
I was like, okay, I feel like Ineed to share something or I
need to get something down, andI came across a book that has
popped up into like my world afew times, called the Artist's
Way.
It was written back in the1970s and I can't remember the
author.
All of a sudden, but it's, shewalks you through.
It's like a 12 week program andyou write three pages a day, no
matter what, like three pages,whether or not you're writing
stream of consciousness, likejust like the wall is green and

(46:52):
my mirror is brown and thelights are on and this, you know
like that, just gettingyourself to be present in the
moment.
So that's what she asked you todo.
And then there's like all theseother prompts, and so I started
to do that because I was likereally feeling like I just I
needed an outlet, you know.
So I started that the promptsbecame too daunting and too like
irrelevant really for what Iwas dealing with.
A lot of them were like stuffwith your childhood and this and

(47:13):
that, and I'm like yo, I justneed to process this.
Last year, like I don't need togo back to like when I was four,
like let's write, let's keep ithere.
So I just again allowed myselfto push that aside and I just
stuck with the three pages.
And I found this really greathardback journal that has, like
you know, writing on both sidesand I just wrote every single
day and wrote for three pages,no matter what.

(47:34):
And it got to the middle of thethird page and I can.
There's tons of them where it'sjust like I don't even know
what I'm writing.
I'm not even I don't even knowwhy I'm still here, but I'm
going to get to the bottom ofthis.
I could just you know the actof it and then when I got to the
end, I would flip around and gothe other way.
So now, every now and then I'llallow myself to read back, but

(47:56):
I'm really focused on just likeon the writing.
And where it helped me that Ididn't anticipate was in really
dark moments where I just feltlike I couldn't eat and then
like I had no appetite becauseof either the anxiety or the
surgery that I just had, becauseyou know, when they handle your
intestines.
They just like want to die, andso they don't work for a while,
you know.
So I would grab my journal andI would just like write about

(48:17):
that, and it would pull me backup to a place where I felt like
I could breathe again.
I was like, okay, I just I gotall that out.
This is what's going on rightnow.
And even when it was, like, youknow, struggling to eat, like I
mean I was writing about dearfood, you know I don't want you,
but I get that you're importantand so I'm going.
You know we need to giveourselves so much grace, you

(48:41):
know, when it comes to, like,what it is that we need to do or
think that we should be doing,right, so I just needed it.
And so, like I mean, even when,at the end of my stay after my
initial the J pouch surgery,that time, when I was having all
the anxiety and all the stressand I just I couldn't figure out
why, I mean I got up out of myhospital room and I just grabbed
my journal and I just walked.
I didn't even know where I wasgoing, but that was the only
thing I grabbed.
I left my phone, but I grabbedmy journal so I was like that's

(49:02):
my for right now, that'severything's right there, you
know.
And anyway, I ended up goingoutside and sitting for a while
and finally deciding that, okay,I'm going to go back in there
and I'm going to put that foodin my mouth and then I'm going
to take another step and thenI'm going to ask to go home.
And it was just step by step,half hour by half hour.
Sometimes you know it's a lot,but that's what I would say, I

(49:24):
guess, is that honor what youwant.
You know, if it feels good andit fits, you do it.
If it doesn't, you know, don'tjust giving yourself, I guess,
grace to like be messy on thepage or not show up.
But what I did say is that Iwill show up here.
I will show up here every dayfor me, and that was really kind
of the beginning of like reallyfiguring out and finding out

(49:44):
how little I was really pouringinto, just me, you know.
And so I just made that promise.
I said three pages every day.
You can do it, and there's beentimes when I've skipped, for
sure, you know, but not a lot,and I'm really, really grateful
that I did that, because it'sall there and what ended up
coming out was like, you know,yes, there's sometimes, just
sometimes, this is what you'vedone that day or what you think

(50:05):
you should have done.
I try really hard not to dothat.
I but like also like a lot ofpoetry, like you know, stuff
that would just come out andjust feel like, okay, I just
need to say this and this andthis.
I mean letters to my surgeons,letters to my stoma, letters to
food, like I said, you know.
So I guess, yeah, that's what Iwould say.
It's trust yourself that youknow what's good for you.
Promises that we make toourselves about ourselves are

(50:28):
almost always the first ones webreak, and they should never be
the ones that we break.
We are in sole custody ofourselves, period, you know, and
can't do anything for anyoneunless we do it for ourselves.
That being said, you know Imanaged to get to 49 years
without really really puttingmyself first, you know.

Speaker 1 (50:47):
Like, your body certainly forced you to do that.

Speaker 3 (50:50):
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, and so I trust her.
You know, and I love her andshe looks way different now than
she used to.
You know, like everything'schanged everything and the
insights changed out.
But even back to when I foundthe lump, you know, it's like I
never did self breast exams ever.
I was like, oh no, my doctor'sgot it.
I once a year in the doctor,once a yearly mammogram.
I'm good, you know.

(51:11):
But that day my body was likeyo, this, right here, you got to
listen to this.
And then, you know, so I did.

Speaker 2 (51:17):
I have random questions that I love to ask all
my IDB pals do you have afavorite toilet paper?

Speaker 3 (51:23):
as soft as possible.

Speaker 2 (51:26):
I'm a Cottonelle girl but my friend is like Charmin
all the way.

Speaker 3 (51:29):
But, like you know, just yeah, I can go back, I can
do both Charmin and Cottonelle.
I don't have a, it's just likethe softest one and I know it.
If it's not, you know, and I'mlike I have to go to the movies
and that's like I should justtake my.
You know, and I actually weinstalled a bidet in between the
two surgeries, cause I was like.
I'd read about it and heardabout it.
I anything that you can do tomake the journey you know better

(51:53):
.
You know I and you know yeah,and even like just in my bed,
I've got like a little switchwhere I can turn on like lights,
but like often like to try toput yourself and your
environment, as you know, a realpriority and it and it will
benefit you a lot, but we justdon't do that enough, you know I
don't think I definitelyconsider like toilet paper or
health care.

Speaker 2 (52:14):
It's something that you know is important to me.
Yeah, my family has.
My mom gave up scot tissue,thank the lord.
Oh yeah, because of it.
What even is that?
It's so gross.

Speaker 1 (52:25):
But when you were talking about journaling you
were like kind of going throughthis list of things and it
reminded me of an AlanisMorissette song like uh, what it
all comes down to.

Speaker 3 (52:34):
Ironic, ironic.

Speaker 1 (52:36):
Yes, and what's funny is I looked up your Enneagram
your like type whatever andAlanis Morissette is the same
Enneagram as you and I was likethis feels like kismet right now
.
I know so I, because you're.
When we ask people to writetheir bio, you wrote yours and
you noted you're an Enneagramfour people to write their bio.
You wrote yours and you met.
You noted you're an Enneagramfour and tell me your very fast
and quick and dirty version oflike how did you get into the

(52:57):
Enneagram?
Tell me a little bit more aboutEnneagram stuff, cause you're
the first person who's broughtthis up.
Thank you, oh really Okay.

Speaker 3 (53:04):
Yeah, it's funny when you'd like start to introduce
yourself the first thing, like Iwould normally say I'm a mom,
I'm a wife and this time I'mleft-handed, I'm an Aries.
I'm an Enneagram four.
It's, you know, it's just mecentered and it just needs to be
.
I remember learning about it,Like when my kids were in school
.
They, they did it like aprogram at the church and they
talked about it and I rememberthinking I don't know what that

(53:32):
is and was, and so then Istarted down the kind of rabbit
hole trying to figure out what Iwas.
And then I met another reallyreally good friend of mine, who
continues a still really goodfriend of mine, and we were in
grad school together and I wasdoing had to get in front of the
class and do like a mockcounseling session with the
Amber Geiger, the woman who shotthe guy who was in prison, and
anyway she was.
It was a tricky situationbecause she's the perpetrator,

(53:54):
but I had to like counsel her asa human because she's still
human, you know.
So anyway, I was up there doingthat role-playing and I got out
and finished it and my myreally good friend she said do
you know where your Enneagramnumber is and I said, yes, do
you?
It's such a four person to say,and she's like, yeah, I'm a
four.
And I said I am too, and Ifound, like you know, a couple
different fours in my orbit.

(54:14):
You know that I just adoreQuick and dirty the best way, in
my opinion, and I still kind oftalking to my kids about this
and people.
It's like you can read all thethings and take all the tests
and answer all the questions,but at the end of the day, when
you go through each number, theyhave core motivations and core
fears and that's where you'llfind yourself like resonating,
but it will take a while.

(54:36):
You know there's numbers oneither side of you and so you're
part of like so I'm a four, sothere's a little bit of three in
me and also a little bit offive, and you go to different
numbers when you're in stress orwhen you're in growth.
It's all just super fascinatingto me.
And, yeah, four is like a veryresonant number with me.

(54:57):
My birthday is four.
Four.
I have four people in my family.
I currently have four animals.
Four is like my groundingnumber it's just and four in the
angel number is very likegrounding that has showed up for
me, like in the last month orso, Like I mean, I've always
seen, always had fours in mylife, but I've started to see
them show up more and it'sasking me to really, you know,
continue to kind of ground downand stay true to myself, and
it's just another way to get toknow yourself really, like at

(55:18):
the end of the day, you know,and whether or not, you get it
right or wrong of what you are,or whether or not you're like a
desirable number or whateverthat may be.
I don't even understand whatthat means.
It's just another opportunityto kind of interface with
yourself and be like, oh yeah, Iam motivated by that.
Oh yeah, that does scare me.
To interface with yourself andbe like, oh yeah, I am motivated
by that.
Oh yeah, that does scare me.
So, you know, yeah, it's good.
Yeah, I felt super validated.
You know, it was just likewanted to be me, but then I also

(55:41):
wanted to like make sureeveryone in my life was like I
was taking care of and, you know, helping and all the things.
But then, like you know, thefour is individualist.
Their, their fear is to nothave significance and their
motivation is to be authenticand every little morsel that we
can grab onto and learn aboutourselves just like enriches our
vibration, it just makes uslike, it just makes us more

(56:03):
happier and more effective human, if that makes sense, Like just
you know.
So we're not like swimmingupstream, you know, we're going
with the flow.

Speaker 2 (56:10):
Okay, we're going to end with what's the one thing
that you want the IBD communityto know?
What's your knowledge bomb?

Speaker 3 (56:17):
That it's not your fault.
This was not my fault.
I did not hyper independence myway into ulcerative colitis.
I did not repress my emotionsinto cancer.
These things happened to me andI responded, you know, with
everything that I could.
And it's really, really fuckinghard.
I will say that, you know, andthen hard, it's like that word,

(56:41):
it's like it's so short and it'slike so small and it's like
there's so many layers to hard,and this is, this is hard and
it's forever.
And that's what I would say,and I would say thank you for
anything that you ever shareabout your journey, because I
have grabbed onto morsels hereand there to help me from one
day to the next, you know, andeven if they show up as not
being true, for me knowing thatthere's someone out there and

(57:03):
going through that, that's sotrue for so many people of like
you know.

Speaker 1 (57:06):
Your story may not be exactly like Stacy's, exactly
like Robin's, but there's piecesof it that everybody can relate
to.
You know, on everybody's side.
So I think that's super, superimportant.
Thank you so much, stephaniefor sharing your story.
Thank you for coming on, thankyou, stacey, for guest hosting.
Thank you, guys so much.
Thank you everyone forlistening, thank you guys,
cheers.

Speaker 3 (57:25):
Hi, this is Stephanie .
If you enjoyed this, pleaserate and review, subscribe and
share it with your friends.

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