August 12, 2025 • 24 mins
We explore the vital concept of belonging in child development and how it interconnects with a sense of safety, confidence, and overall wellbeing. Our expert panel shares personal stories and professional insights about what true belonging means and why humans fundamentally need connection to thrive.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys
Ranch podcast for families.
We all know how hard being aparent is, and sometimes it
feels like there are no goodanswers to the difficult
questions families have whentheir kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be totry and answer some of those
tough questions, utilizing theknowledge, experience and
(00:24):
professional training CalFarley's Boys Ranch has to offer
.
Now here is your host, calFarley's Staff Development
Coordinator, joshua Sprock.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Welcome everyone and thank you for joining us again
today as we discuss the nextpart of our model of leadership
and service belonging.
Today I'm joined by SuzanneWright, our vice president of
training and intervention hey,josh.
Mike Wilhelm, our seniorchaplain hey, josh.
And Sam Cerna, the assistantadministrator for residential
programs Hi, josh, welcome y'all.
(00:55):
And today we're going to betalking about belonging, but
before we get into that, we'llalways start with our question
of the day.
So are you guys ready for ourfirst hard-hitting, deep,
philosophical question?
Yes, fire away.
So today's question is what isthe weirdest or most intriguing
group that you've ever belongedto?
(01:16):
I was in this choir when I wasin junior high and we had to do
a fundraiser every year, andpart of this fundraiser was that
people would call us and orderpumpkins and these pumpkins they
would have delivered to afriend or family member.
So we would have to take thesepumpkins to people's houses and
then knock on their door andthen we'd have to sing them a
(01:37):
song.
It was called Pumpkin and aSong and it was crazy, like most
of the people had no idea thatwe were going to show up.
So we'd knock on the door,there'd be four or five of us
and with a big pumpkin and justsay, hi, we're here and start
singing, and they just were sobewildered and sometimes people
are like in their just T-shirtand underwear it was, it was
(02:00):
weird for middle school kids tobe part of, so that was my
weirdest.
What about you guys?
Speaker 4 (02:05):
Now I want to know first, was there just one song
that you always sang?
Speaker 2 (02:09):
Yeah, we had one song that we always was kind of our
intro, and then we could do likethey could request us to sing
one other song.
Okay, and what is the song?
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Yeah, you wouldn't know from this one I don't
remember.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
You may have to take time to remember.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
Here it is it was happy halloween trick-or-treater
too.
Speaker 5 (02:27):
We're here from the casper children's growl to sing
a song for you well, I've alwaysbeen into role-playing games,
ever since I was a kid, and Igot involved with another person
.
He was going to be our dungeondungeon master and he got me to
read the books and learn how toplay and all that Well.
(02:48):
So I ended up going to thelibrary one morning and then I
find his other friends which I'mnow going to be part of this
group all staring at a pencil inthe middle of a table and I
asked my friend what are theydoing?
And he said they're trying tomake it move with their mind.
And I'm like, like the force,and he's like yeah, kind of like
that and I'm like, well, that'skind of weird.
(03:10):
I just stuck to the game planafter that and avoided the
library in the mornings.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
So you never got the pencil to move.
Speaker 5 (03:17):
Never got the pencil to move.
Speaker 4 (03:20):
Well, the weirdest and most intriguing group was
the Chuck Norris Coffee Club.
Yes, that's awesome.
And it started out with justthree Boys Ranch boys and then
they started inviting others,but it was by invitation only,
(03:40):
at the chapel in a secret room,and you had to know the password
.
At the chapel, in a secret roomand you had to know the
password, and I would roastcoffee and we would make special
coffee and they would sample it.
We would have a short prayerand then we'd just have a
discussion around all kinds ofdifferent topics and we
scotch-taped a picture of ChuckNorris up every time we held a
(04:01):
meeting up on the wall.
And what was really cool aboutit was this group of boys really
did not have much of a sense ofbelonging out here and they
were not Christians and they hadvery different beliefs about
spirituality and things.
But we had a very special groupand I miss that group.
Love those guys.
The Chuck Norris Coffee Clubthat's so great.
(04:22):
Now you know.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
That's pretty amazing .
I never knew that group existed.
Yeah, it must have been prettyelite.
Yeah, pretty elite.
Right, we weren't included, allright.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
So last time we talked about safety as the core
of our model of leadership.
This week we're going to covera topic that I think goes hand
in hand with safety, and that'sbelonging.
So what does belonging mean toyou guys?
Speaker 3 (04:44):
I think belonging is being part of something bigger
than yourself and havingconnections with other people.
Speaker 5 (04:51):
Yeah, belonging to me is finding a group and finding
some kind of mutual like orpeople who are like minded, and
also being a contributing memberof that group and I would say a
couple key elements would bethat you are valued and you are
accepted.
Speaker 4 (05:09):
Just adding to what you and Sam and Suzanne said.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
So how does safety fit into belonging?
Speaker 3 (05:16):
I think you have to feel safe in order to feel like
you belong.
Right, you've probably all beenpart of a group, or exposed to
a group, where you had thefeeling that you did not fit in,
you did not belong and youdidn't feel safe.
So I think that those twothings are intertwined.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
So why is it so important to belong?
Speaker 5 (05:39):
Well, I think we're all biologically programmed to
find each other and to find agroup.
I mean, I think we're allbiologically programmed to find
each other and to find a group.
I mean, humans aren't built tosurvive on their own, and so
it's instinctive to try to findpeople to help you with things.
As children, we can't do thingsfor ourselves.
As babies, you know, ourmothers or our caregivers have
(06:00):
to care for us.
So by nature, we have to find agroup of people that can make
me feel safe and can make usfeel like we belong.
Speaker 4 (06:10):
That would be where we find love, it's where we
receive it and where we're ableto practice love, and anything
short is either isolation orwe're being either driven away
or we're being used by people.
But it is in community, it's inbelonging, that we experience
love.
Speaker 3 (06:31):
We were created in God's image to be in
relationship with one another.
We weren't really created to beon an island all by ourselves
trying to figure out life alone.
That's too hard, and so we'vebeen given the gift of
relationship in order to findsupport amongst each other and
(06:53):
also to provide that support toeach other.
Speaker 5 (06:57):
You know one of the interesting things about the
model that we're talking about,because last week we talked
about safety and belongings andoutside of that.
So, but it goes both ways.
If I don't feel safe, it's hardto belong, but if I don't
belong, how can I be safe?
Speaker 2 (07:12):
I agree yeah, I've always heard that our brains are
always scanning the environment.
Am I in the group or am I outof the group?
And if I'm in the group and Ibelong, then I feel safe and I'm
okay and I can be safe andsuccessful.
But if I'm not in the group, ifI belong, then I feel safe and
I'm okay and I can be safe andsuccessful.
But if I'm not in the group, ifI'm outside, then I'm not safe
and I'll do whatever I have todo to get back into the group
(07:33):
and so I can be safe.
Speaker 5 (07:34):
Well said, I assume that we'll talk some more about
those unhealthy relationships.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
So I have a theory and you guys can tell me what
you think about it.
So I think most, if not all,kids and maybe really all people
want to belong.
Am I way off on this theory?
Speaker 3 (07:50):
No, I think that you're dead on that.
We all have that innate need tobelong, but it's not easy for
everyone.
Some people find belongingquicker than others, and for
some others it takes a longeramount of time to find people
(08:11):
that they feel safe with orpeople that they feel connected
to or have common interest with.
It's a process.
It takes effort to findbelonging.
It doesn't always happenautomatically.
Speaker 4 (08:26):
Why do you think it takes some people longer than
others to find that?
Speaker 3 (08:30):
I think it may depend on their interests.
It may depend on their historyof trauma.
It may be that they don't feelthey have access to people they
can trust.
I think it's a combination ofthings that have happened in a
person's history that determinehow quickly they can affiliate
(08:57):
with a group of people.
Speaker 5 (08:59):
I do think all people want to belong and I think some
of it's a circumstance.
All people want to belong and Ithink some of it's a
circumstance.
So you know, I know a youngfriend of mine when we were
young.
He he grew up kind of in anisolated area where there was
only very few peers his age.
So he had a couple of choicesof peers and those peers were
maybe more athletic and thingslike that, and so in a way they
(09:20):
kind of took advantage of him.
But he didn't have a choice butto continue to go and play with
those peers because there wasnobody else.
And he always sought out thepeers.
Because that's like I said, whoelse is he going to play with
besides just hanging out byhimself?
Speaker 4 (09:39):
Don't you think the whole phenomenon of the Internet
and social media shows that, asa rule, for the most part,
people want to belong, but thesad reality in that case is
there's an abundance ofconnection but really not much
depth of relationship orauthentic belonging, and it's
(10:00):
sort of a mirage that mimicsbelonging, but I don't think
we're doing so well with it, andI'm probably going off on a
tangent a bit with that.
But don't you think that's asign, though, that people really
do want to belong?
Speaker 3 (10:14):
I do.
I think there's so manyopportunities for people to
connect with others who arelike-minded on the internet, but
it can be a superficialconnection.
Speaker 5 (10:25):
Yes, it's always the hunt for the likes or or.
I know sometimes I get invitedto groups, or you want to be
part of this group and you gotto answer the special questions
to get in the group, right, andall that is is, for me
personally, it's a search.
It's a search like oh, thesepeople like this thing that I
like and let me see if we canconverse about it, and, and
you're and these people are, Idon't know who they are or where
(10:47):
they are, and I do believe, forchildren too, it's the same
thing.
They are.
You're right, social media andtechnology has really given us
the ability to reach and findmore people, but how meaningful
are those connections right,when the connections that they
should be making are the onesnearest to them, with their
families or their caregivers?
Speaker 2 (11:07):
I often wonder how many of those friends on social
media are going to be there atyour side when something really
happens and maybe we're sellingour close personal relationships
out, and when we need those,they're not going to be there,
if that makes sense.
Speaker 5 (11:22):
Well, here's an interesting thing.
One time I did a GoFundMe for afamily member who passed right.
So I have tons of people onsocial media, but guess who
funded the GoFundMe?
It's the people that I haveclose personal connections with
in my life.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
So how does a sense of belonging increase a child's
confidence?
Speaker 3 (11:42):
Well, Sam used a word just in the last few moments,
and it was acceptance.
And so if I feel like I belong,I feel like I'm accepted by
others.
That naturally leads me to havemore confidence also the
confidence comes in the group.
Speaker 5 (12:00):
You know, being part of a bigger group kind of makes
you braver.
I I don't always like the ideaof talking on a podcast, but I'm
with trusted friends and theygive me the strength to do
what's needed.
We're all in the same place,we're all trying to achieve the
same goal, and so that doesincrease the belonging and the
(12:20):
confidence.
Speaker 4 (12:22):
That fear of inadequacy, or being shown
inadequate, is a whopper, isn'tit?
And probably closely associatedwith shame, and that really
does keep us from being our bestif that fear is ruling in our
lives, and there's not a betterremedy for that than just to be
(12:43):
in a company of people thatvalue you and accept you.
Speaker 5 (12:47):
Yeah, yeah.
There may be no worse feelingthan being asked to leave or
forced to leave a group.
Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 2 (12:53):
So what are some warning signs that might cause a
caregiver to worry that theirchild is struggling with
belonging?
Speaker 3 (12:59):
I always think of two .
You know two different areas.
You know when a child doesn'thave belonging they may withdraw
or retreat or, you know,isolate themselves.
But I think the other side ofthat is sometimes children want
to belong so badly they'll doanything to fit in, and so they
(13:21):
may really want to be part of agroup but not have the correct
social skills to findfriendships within that group.
And so I think those are twodifferent issues but both are
problems with belonging, andyoung people have it hard.
Speaker 5 (13:39):
It's not just about social skills, it's also about
your socioeconomic status andmany things that young people
care about.
Young people are veryunforgiving as well, which makes
other young people just feelterrible.
So how could?
It's no surprise that maybe achild will withdraw or feel it's
not worth it to go out thereand try to find a group or have
(14:00):
friends because they don't feelvalued enough to have them, or
worthy even.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
So what happens to cause people to struggle to find
that sense of belonging?
Speaker 5 (14:09):
I think it's just like what we talked about.
I think sometimes others rejectyou and if you're rejected it's
very difficult, or maybeconfidence breaking, to try to
go out there and makeconnections again.
It's, it's, it's hard.
It's one thing when you fail ata, at throwing a football.
It's a whole other thing whenyou fail with a relationship.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
Yes, I think that sometimes we struggle to accept
people into our group becauseit's about judgment, right?
Being a kid is so hard Iwouldn't do it over again for
anything in the world right?
And so you know the kids in anyparticular group, they're all
(14:50):
struggling to find themselvestoo right, and sometimes it's
easy for them to judge somebodywho's outside of the group.
And that child who's outside ofthe group, boy, they sure feel
that judgment right.
I was always surprised when mychildren were young and started
school.
Even in kindergarten, kids startto compare to other kids.
(15:13):
So so, even in kindergartenthey would say things like you
know, this child's the fastestrunner in our class, but this
child is the slowest, or thisone has has the longest hair, or
this one is slow in math.
So they start to just comparethemselves to other kids.
(15:34):
And that's where it starts andthen it never stops, right?
I think that even intoadulthood sometimes we
negatively compare ourselves toothers.
And I think again, going backto your comment about social
media, you know people areputting their highlight reel on
social media here are all thewonderful things in my life and
(15:57):
look at my beautiful house.
And they don't show you theroom where they shoved all the
laundry you know, and they don'tshow you the struggles that
they have.
And then we start to compareourselves to a highlight reel
instead of another person'sreality.
Right, and that comparison isso difficult and that is the
same thing that kids strugglewith is, you know, the
(16:21):
comparison of what they perceivetheir reality to be to the
highlight reel of other people'slives be to the highlight reel
of other people's lives.
Speaker 4 (16:31):
Yeah, To get back to what Sam said, to have just one
failure, humiliating failurewith belonging could be so
devastating that that's a hardsetback to overcome.
But then, going with whatSuzanne said, I appreciate that
that social media piece, not tojust beat a drum here, but it's
(16:54):
significant right now and thereis a world there that's not real
and there could be an idealizedway of the way I think of a
relationship, a belonging acommunity should be a marriage
relationship.
A relationship, a belonging acommunity, should be a marriage
relationship and the minute inreal time and space, not in
front of the screen, with a realhuman being, that little
(17:17):
hiccups happen.
I don't know that people alwayshave a healthy set of
expectations and know how towork through that.
So I think people might justrecede, withdraw to the internet
and stop trying.
And that's not everybody,that's an overgeneralization,
but I do think that's happening.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
Yeah, I'm often worrying that we're finding more
connection and belonging to ourtechnology than to actual, real
, live, flesh and blood people.
Speaker 3 (17:48):
I think you know, a good example of all of that was
when we worked at home during2020 and those connections that
we relied on every day.
You know, the three of us threeof the four of us work in the
same building, and so we greetedeach other every day.
(18:08):
And Mike works in a separatebuilding but is frequently here
in our offices, and so wegreeted each other every day.
And Mike works in a separatebuilding but is frequently here
in our offices, and so we wereable to see each other.
Hey, how was your day?
What'd you do over the weekend?
You know what's going on withyour kids?
And then, all of a sudden, wewere isolated and we were only
connecting over Zoom or Teams orother forms of social media,
(18:30):
and we really missed out on alot of belonging that I don't
know that we were, we understoodthat.
We relied on it that much untilwe didn't have it.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
So what are some ways that we can help our children
feel like they belong?
For instance, all my life I'veheard playing sports is a good
way to help get kids pluggedinto a group.
Is this a good place forparents and kids to start.
Speaker 3 (18:53):
I think it could be a good place, and there are
certainly lots of sportsactivities available to younger
children, but not every childfinds their belonging in a sport
their belonging in a sport.
(19:15):
For some kids it may be danceclass or a 4-H activity or
involvement in an activity attheir church.
I think you have to look atwhat your child's natural
interests and talents are andthen build on those, rather than
choosing, like, a specificsport for them and wanting them
to be successful in that sport.
Speaker 4 (19:32):
Yeah, that's the sports piece is a tricky one.
The answer is yes and no.
It's certainly like Suzannesaid could be.
It's necessarilyperformance-based Competition is
a strong thread that runsthrough it and there's a lot of
positive character formationthat can happen through that.
(19:53):
Now the tradeoff is it couldalso be very hierarchical and a
child that just is not that goodat a sport you could find
yourself, unless you're in withsome really good leadership,
with a coach or whoever'srunning that program, if it's at
school or if it's a AAU programor whatever it is.
(20:15):
If you have a special coachthat makes sure everybody feels
valued and that they belong,that can work for everybody, I
suppose.
But unfortunately those areprobably more the exception than
the rule, don't you think?
Speaker 3 (20:28):
I do think.
I think that there are.
You know, again, kids comparethemselves to other kids and so
obviously there are going to bechildren who excel at whatever
that sport is, and the childrenwho don't excel may not feel
like they're part of the groupor they may not feel like they
have value in the group.
Speaker 5 (20:50):
And also helping a kid feel belonging most likely
starts at home.
I mean we have to value ourchildren and encourage them and
recognize their strengths.
Even at a very young age I wasnot an athlete.
They recognized my parentsrecognized I had a little bit of
intelligence, so they gave memath stuff to do and letters to
write and things to increase thethings I was already good at
(21:12):
right, my islands of competency,so those things is what, where
I found value right.
And so then I would join clubslike oh, I can't remember, but
UIL events, science events,things like that I was good at.
Because I was not an athlete,there's no way I was going to
play.
I tried, it didn't work out forme and I actually felt maybe a
little devalued because I justwasn't very good at those things
(21:33):
and it I didn't play and so.
But I did get to compete in allthe, the, the academic,
academic things you know.
Speaker 4 (21:40):
back to your question , josh, about some ways to help
a child feel like they belong,for everyone to do the hard work
of practicing forgiveness andthat with most of us it's going
to start with self-forgivenessdrawn close to God,
understanding his forgivingheart, and then being able to
(22:01):
truly extend that to the kids inour lives, the people in our
lives.
And, however much we mightstruggle with forgiveness, it's
really going to compromise asense of belonging.
So that piece of doing thespiritual work to become more
and more of a forgiving personis going to be key.
Speaker 3 (22:22):
I think it's going to be helpful for us too, as
adults, to remember our behavioron the sidelines of any group
activity right for kids.
So you know, you've probablyall been at athletic events for
young children, elementarychildren, and then you saw
adults on the sidelines who losttheir mind over a referee call
(22:46):
or yelled something unkind andungrateful at a child on the
opposing team and think about,you know, what does that do to
that child's belonging right?
Belonging is something that werole model for kids and yet
sometimes as adults we can bereally thoughtless in what we
(23:08):
say and in how we behave.
Speaker 4 (23:10):
You know, with this piece sometimes we can that
belonging piece.
There's value in the belongingwith peers, which is a lot of
age, segregated type of clubsand things like that.
There's value in a place forthat.
There's a real hazard here, atendency where we can do that at
the neglect ofintergenerational relationships
(23:32):
and old-fashioned community, andI would highly recommend to any
listeners find ways tointroduce your children to
silver-haired people where theywould play a meaningful role in
their life.
Your kid will be all the betterfor it.
Speaker 5 (23:50):
I like that, mike, and I think also it's never too
late to start for listeners, Imean, if you're hearing this for
the first time, and this is allnew concepts start somewhere,
start helping your kids feelvalued and loved and cared for,
and put them in groups or even,like I said, said the basic
group is the family.
So it's never too late to getstarted, to start moving into
(24:12):
onto a different, better paththank you all for joining us
today.
Speaker 2 (24:15):
I hope you feel like this podcast is a safe place for
you to belong and remember youmight have to loan out your
frontal lobe.
Just make sure you get it back.
Speaker 1 (24:27):
Thank you for listening to Brain Based
Parenting.
We hope you enjoyed this show.
If you would like moreinformation about Cal Farley's
Boys Ranch, are interested inemployment, would like
information about placing yourchild or would like to help us
help children by donating to ourmission, please visit
(24:47):
calfarleyorg.
You can find us on all socialmedia platforms by searching for
Calfarley's no-transcript.
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys
Ranch podcast for families.
We all know how hard being aparent is, and sometimes it
feels like there are no goodanswers to the difficult
questions families have whentheir kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be totry and answer some of those
tough questions, utilizing theknowledge, experience and
(00:24):
professional training CalFarley's Boys Ranch has to offer
.
Now here is your host, calFarley's Staff Development
Coordinator, joshua Sprock.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Welcome everyone and thank you for joining us again
today as we discuss the nextpart of our model of leadership
and service belonging.
Today I'm joined by SuzanneWright, our vice president of
training and intervention hey,josh.
Mike Wilhelm, our seniorchaplain hey, josh.
And Sam Cerna, the assistantadministrator for residential
programs Hi, josh, welcome y'all.
(00:55):
And today we're going to betalking about belonging, but
before we get into that, we'llalways start with our question
of the day.
So are you guys ready for ourfirst hard-hitting, deep,
philosophical question?
Yes, fire away.
So today's question is what isthe weirdest or most intriguing
group that you've ever belongedto?
(01:16):
I was in this choir when I wasin junior high and we had to do
a fundraiser every year, andpart of this fundraiser was that
people would call us and orderpumpkins and these pumpkins they
would have delivered to afriend or family member.
So we would have to take thesepumpkins to people's houses and
then knock on their door andthen we'd have to sing them a
(01:37):
song.
It was called Pumpkin and aSong and it was crazy, like most
of the people had no idea thatwe were going to show up.
So we'd knock on the door,there'd be four or five of us
and with a big pumpkin and justsay, hi, we're here and start
singing, and they just were sobewildered and sometimes people
are like in their just T-shirtand underwear it was, it was
(02:00):
weird for middle school kids tobe part of, so that was my
weirdest.
What about you guys?
Speaker 4 (02:05):
Now I want to know first, was there just one song
that you always sang?
Speaker 2 (02:09):
Yeah, we had one song that we always was kind of our
intro, and then we could do likethey could request us to sing
one other song.
Okay, and what is the song?
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Yeah, you wouldn't know from this one I don't
remember.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
You may have to take time to remember.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
Here it is it was happy halloween trick-or-treater
too.
Speaker 5 (02:27):
We're here from the casper children's growl to sing
a song for you well, I've alwaysbeen into role-playing games,
ever since I was a kid, and Igot involved with another person
.
He was going to be our dungeondungeon master and he got me to
read the books and learn how toplay and all that Well.
(02:48):
So I ended up going to thelibrary one morning and then I
find his other friends which I'mnow going to be part of this
group all staring at a pencil inthe middle of a table and I
asked my friend what are theydoing?
And he said they're trying tomake it move with their mind.
And I'm like, like the force,and he's like yeah, kind of like
that and I'm like, well, that'skind of weird.
(03:10):
I just stuck to the game planafter that and avoided the
library in the mornings.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
So you never got the pencil to move.
Speaker 5 (03:17):
Never got the pencil to move.
Speaker 4 (03:20):
Well, the weirdest and most intriguing group was
the Chuck Norris Coffee Club.
Yes, that's awesome.
And it started out with justthree Boys Ranch boys and then
they started inviting others,but it was by invitation only,
(03:40):
at the chapel in a secret room,and you had to know the password
.
At the chapel, in a secret roomand you had to know the
password, and I would roastcoffee and we would make special
coffee and they would sample it.
We would have a short prayerand then we'd just have a
discussion around all kinds ofdifferent topics and we
scotch-taped a picture of ChuckNorris up every time we held a
(04:01):
meeting up on the wall.
And what was really cool aboutit was this group of boys really
did not have much of a sense ofbelonging out here and they
were not Christians and they hadvery different beliefs about
spirituality and things.
But we had a very special groupand I miss that group.
Love those guys.
The Chuck Norris Coffee Clubthat's so great.
(04:22):
Now you know.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
That's pretty amazing .
I never knew that group existed.
Yeah, it must have been prettyelite.
Yeah, pretty elite.
Right, we weren't included, allright.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
So last time we talked about safety as the core
of our model of leadership.
This week we're going to covera topic that I think goes hand
in hand with safety, and that'sbelonging.
So what does belonging mean toyou guys?
Speaker 3 (04:44):
I think belonging is being part of something bigger
than yourself and havingconnections with other people.
Speaker 5 (04:51):
Yeah, belonging to me is finding a group and finding
some kind of mutual like orpeople who are like minded, and
also being a contributing memberof that group and I would say a
couple key elements would bethat you are valued and you are
accepted.
Speaker 4 (05:09):
Just adding to what you and Sam and Suzanne said.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
So how does safety fit into belonging?
Speaker 3 (05:16):
I think you have to feel safe in order to feel like
you belong.
Right, you've probably all beenpart of a group, or exposed to
a group, where you had thefeeling that you did not fit in,
you did not belong and youdidn't feel safe.
So I think that those twothings are intertwined.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
So why is it so important to belong?
Speaker 5 (05:39):
Well, I think we're all biologically programmed to
find each other and to find agroup.
I mean, I think we're allbiologically programmed to find
each other and to find a group.
I mean, humans aren't built tosurvive on their own, and so
it's instinctive to try to findpeople to help you with things.
As children, we can't do thingsfor ourselves.
As babies, you know, ourmothers or our caregivers have
(06:00):
to care for us.
So by nature, we have to find agroup of people that can make
me feel safe and can make usfeel like we belong.
Speaker 4 (06:10):
That would be where we find love, it's where we
receive it and where we're ableto practice love, and anything
short is either isolation orwe're being either driven away
or we're being used by people.
But it is in community, it's inbelonging, that we experience
love.
Speaker 3 (06:31):
We were created in God's image to be in
relationship with one another.
We weren't really created to beon an island all by ourselves
trying to figure out life alone.
That's too hard, and so we'vebeen given the gift of
relationship in order to findsupport amongst each other and
(06:53):
also to provide that support toeach other.
Speaker 5 (06:57):
You know one of the interesting things about the
model that we're talking about,because last week we talked
about safety and belongings andoutside of that.
So, but it goes both ways.
If I don't feel safe, it's hardto belong, but if I don't
belong, how can I be safe?
Speaker 2 (07:12):
I agree yeah, I've always heard that our brains are
always scanning the environment.
Am I in the group or am I outof the group?
And if I'm in the group and Ibelong, then I feel safe and I'm
okay and I can be safe andsuccessful.
But if I'm not in the group, ifI belong, then I feel safe and
I'm okay and I can be safe andsuccessful.
But if I'm not in the group, ifI'm outside, then I'm not safe
and I'll do whatever I have todo to get back into the group
(07:33):
and so I can be safe.
Speaker 5 (07:34):
Well said, I assume that we'll talk some more about
those unhealthy relationships.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
So I have a theory and you guys can tell me what
you think about it.
So I think most, if not all,kids and maybe really all people
want to belong.
Am I way off on this theory?
Speaker 3 (07:50):
No, I think that you're dead on that.
We all have that innate need tobelong, but it's not easy for
everyone.
Some people find belongingquicker than others, and for
some others it takes a longeramount of time to find people
(08:11):
that they feel safe with orpeople that they feel connected
to or have common interest with.
It's a process.
It takes effort to findbelonging.
It doesn't always happenautomatically.
Speaker 4 (08:26):
Why do you think it takes some people longer than
others to find that?
Speaker 3 (08:30):
I think it may depend on their interests.
It may depend on their historyof trauma.
It may be that they don't feelthey have access to people they
can trust.
I think it's a combination ofthings that have happened in a
person's history that determinehow quickly they can affiliate
(08:57):
with a group of people.
Speaker 5 (08:59):
I do think all people want to belong and I think some
of it's a circumstance.
All people want to belong and Ithink some of it's a
circumstance.
So you know, I know a youngfriend of mine when we were
young.
He he grew up kind of in anisolated area where there was
only very few peers his age.
So he had a couple of choicesof peers and those peers were
maybe more athletic and thingslike that, and so in a way they
(09:20):
kind of took advantage of him.
But he didn't have a choice butto continue to go and play with
those peers because there wasnobody else.
And he always sought out thepeers.
Because that's like I said, whoelse is he going to play with
besides just hanging out byhimself?
Speaker 4 (09:39):
Don't you think the whole phenomenon of the Internet
and social media shows that, asa rule, for the most part,
people want to belong, but thesad reality in that case is
there's an abundance ofconnection but really not much
depth of relationship orauthentic belonging, and it's
(10:00):
sort of a mirage that mimicsbelonging, but I don't think
we're doing so well with it, andI'm probably going off on a
tangent a bit with that.
But don't you think that's asign, though, that people really
do want to belong?
Speaker 3 (10:14):
I do.
I think there's so manyopportunities for people to
connect with others who arelike-minded on the internet, but
it can be a superficialconnection.
Speaker 5 (10:25):
Yes, it's always the hunt for the likes or or.
I know sometimes I get invitedto groups, or you want to be
part of this group and you gotto answer the special questions
to get in the group, right, andall that is is, for me
personally, it's a search.
It's a search like oh, thesepeople like this thing that I
like and let me see if we canconverse about it, and, and
you're and these people are, Idon't know who they are or where
(10:47):
they are, and I do believe, forchildren too, it's the same
thing.
They are.
You're right, social media andtechnology has really given us
the ability to reach and findmore people, but how meaningful
are those connections right,when the connections that they
should be making are the onesnearest to them, with their
families or their caregivers?
Speaker 2 (11:07):
I often wonder how many of those friends on social
media are going to be there atyour side when something really
happens and maybe we're sellingour close personal relationships
out, and when we need those,they're not going to be there,
if that makes sense.
Speaker 5 (11:22):
Well, here's an interesting thing.
One time I did a GoFundMe for afamily member who passed right.
So I have tons of people onsocial media, but guess who
funded the GoFundMe?
It's the people that I haveclose personal connections with
in my life.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
So how does a sense of belonging increase a child's
confidence?
Speaker 3 (11:42):
Well, Sam used a word just in the last few moments,
and it was acceptance.
And so if I feel like I belong,I feel like I'm accepted by
others.
That naturally leads me to havemore confidence also the
confidence comes in the group.
Speaker 5 (12:00):
You know, being part of a bigger group kind of makes
you braver.
I I don't always like the ideaof talking on a podcast, but I'm
with trusted friends and theygive me the strength to do
what's needed.
We're all in the same place,we're all trying to achieve the
same goal, and so that doesincrease the belonging and the
(12:20):
confidence.
Speaker 4 (12:22):
That fear of inadequacy, or being shown
inadequate, is a whopper, isn'tit?
And probably closely associatedwith shame, and that really
does keep us from being our bestif that fear is ruling in our
lives, and there's not a betterremedy for that than just to be
(12:43):
in a company of people thatvalue you and accept you.
Speaker 5 (12:47):
Yeah, yeah.
There may be no worse feelingthan being asked to leave or
forced to leave a group.
Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 2 (12:53):
So what are some warning signs that might cause a
caregiver to worry that theirchild is struggling with
belonging?
Speaker 3 (12:59):
I always think of two .
You know two different areas.
You know when a child doesn'thave belonging they may withdraw
or retreat or, you know,isolate themselves.
But I think the other side ofthat is sometimes children want
to belong so badly they'll doanything to fit in, and so they
(13:21):
may really want to be part of agroup but not have the correct
social skills to findfriendships within that group.
And so I think those are twodifferent issues but both are
problems with belonging, andyoung people have it hard.
Speaker 5 (13:39):
It's not just about social skills, it's also about
your socioeconomic status andmany things that young people
care about.
Young people are veryunforgiving as well, which makes
other young people just feelterrible.
So how could?
It's no surprise that maybe achild will withdraw or feel it's
not worth it to go out thereand try to find a group or have
(14:00):
friends because they don't feelvalued enough to have them, or
worthy even.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
So what happens to cause people to struggle to find
that sense of belonging?
Speaker 5 (14:09):
I think it's just like what we talked about.
I think sometimes others rejectyou and if you're rejected it's
very difficult, or maybeconfidence breaking, to try to
go out there and makeconnections again.
It's, it's, it's hard.
It's one thing when you fail ata, at throwing a football.
It's a whole other thing whenyou fail with a relationship.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
Yes, I think that sometimes we struggle to accept
people into our group becauseit's about judgment, right?
Being a kid is so hard Iwouldn't do it over again for
anything in the world right?
And so you know the kids in anyparticular group, they're all
(14:50):
struggling to find themselvestoo right, and sometimes it's
easy for them to judge somebodywho's outside of the group.
And that child who's outside ofthe group, boy, they sure feel
that judgment right.
I was always surprised when mychildren were young and started
school.
Even in kindergarten, kids startto compare to other kids.
(15:13):
So so, even in kindergartenthey would say things like you
know, this child's the fastestrunner in our class, but this
child is the slowest, or thisone has has the longest hair, or
this one is slow in math.
So they start to just comparethemselves to other kids.
(15:34):
And that's where it starts andthen it never stops, right?
I think that even intoadulthood sometimes we
negatively compare ourselves toothers.
And I think again, going backto your comment about social
media, you know people areputting their highlight reel on
social media here are all thewonderful things in my life and
(15:57):
look at my beautiful house.
And they don't show you theroom where they shoved all the
laundry you know, and they don'tshow you the struggles that
they have.
And then we start to compareourselves to a highlight reel
instead of another person'sreality.
Right, and that comparison isso difficult and that is the
same thing that kids strugglewith is, you know, the
(16:21):
comparison of what they perceivetheir reality to be to the
highlight reel of other people'slives be to the highlight reel
of other people's lives.
Speaker 4 (16:31):
Yeah, To get back to what Sam said, to have just one
failure, humiliating failurewith belonging could be so
devastating that that's a hardsetback to overcome.
But then, going with whatSuzanne said, I appreciate that
that social media piece, not tojust beat a drum here, but it's
(16:54):
significant right now and thereis a world there that's not real
and there could be an idealizedway of the way I think of a
relationship, a belonging acommunity should be a marriage
relationship.
A relationship, a belonging acommunity, should be a marriage
relationship and the minute inreal time and space, not in
front of the screen, with a realhuman being, that little
(17:17):
hiccups happen.
I don't know that people alwayshave a healthy set of
expectations and know how towork through that.
So I think people might justrecede, withdraw to the internet
and stop trying.
And that's not everybody,that's an overgeneralization,
but I do think that's happening.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
Yeah, I'm often worrying that we're finding more
connection and belonging to ourtechnology than to actual, real
, live, flesh and blood people.
Speaker 3 (17:48):
I think you know, a good example of all of that was
when we worked at home during2020 and those connections that
we relied on every day.
You know, the three of us threeof the four of us work in the
same building, and so we greetedeach other every day.
(18:08):
And Mike works in a separatebuilding but is frequently here
in our offices, and so wegreeted each other every day.
And Mike works in a separatebuilding but is frequently here
in our offices, and so we wereable to see each other.
Hey, how was your day?
What'd you do over the weekend?
You know what's going on withyour kids?
And then, all of a sudden, wewere isolated and we were only
connecting over Zoom or Teams orother forms of social media,
(18:30):
and we really missed out on alot of belonging that I don't
know that we were, we understoodthat.
We relied on it that much untilwe didn't have it.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
So what are some ways that we can help our children
feel like they belong?
For instance, all my life I'veheard playing sports is a good
way to help get kids pluggedinto a group.
Is this a good place forparents and kids to start.
Speaker 3 (18:53):
I think it could be a good place, and there are
certainly lots of sportsactivities available to younger
children, but not every childfinds their belonging in a sport
their belonging in a sport.
(19:15):
For some kids it may be danceclass or a 4-H activity or
involvement in an activity attheir church.
I think you have to look atwhat your child's natural
interests and talents are andthen build on those, rather than
choosing, like, a specificsport for them and wanting them
to be successful in that sport.
Speaker 4 (19:32):
Yeah, that's the sports piece is a tricky one.
The answer is yes and no.
It's certainly like Suzannesaid could be.
It's necessarilyperformance-based Competition is
a strong thread that runsthrough it and there's a lot of
positive character formationthat can happen through that.
(19:53):
Now the tradeoff is it couldalso be very hierarchical and a
child that just is not that goodat a sport you could find
yourself, unless you're in withsome really good leadership,
with a coach or whoever'srunning that program, if it's at
school or if it's a AAU programor whatever it is.
(20:15):
If you have a special coachthat makes sure everybody feels
valued and that they belong,that can work for everybody, I
suppose.
But unfortunately those areprobably more the exception than
the rule, don't you think?
Speaker 3 (20:28):
I do think.
I think that there are.
You know, again, kids comparethemselves to other kids and so
obviously there are going to bechildren who excel at whatever
that sport is, and the childrenwho don't excel may not feel
like they're part of the groupor they may not feel like they
have value in the group.
Speaker 5 (20:50):
And also helping a kid feel belonging most likely
starts at home.
I mean we have to value ourchildren and encourage them and
recognize their strengths.
Even at a very young age I wasnot an athlete.
They recognized my parentsrecognized I had a little bit of
intelligence, so they gave memath stuff to do and letters to
write and things to increase thethings I was already good at
(21:12):
right, my islands of competency,so those things is what, where
I found value right.
And so then I would join clubslike oh, I can't remember, but
UIL events, science events,things like that I was good at.
Because I was not an athlete,there's no way I was going to
play.
I tried, it didn't work out forme and I actually felt maybe a
little devalued because I justwasn't very good at those things
(21:33):
and it I didn't play and so.
But I did get to compete in allthe, the, the academic,
academic things you know.
Speaker 4 (21:40):
back to your question , josh, about some ways to help
a child feel like they belong,for everyone to do the hard work
of practicing forgiveness andthat with most of us it's going
to start with self-forgivenessdrawn close to God,
understanding his forgivingheart, and then being able to
(22:01):
truly extend that to the kids inour lives, the people in our
lives.
And, however much we mightstruggle with forgiveness, it's
really going to compromise asense of belonging.
So that piece of doing thespiritual work to become more
and more of a forgiving personis going to be key.
Speaker 3 (22:22):
I think it's going to be helpful for us too, as
adults, to remember our behavioron the sidelines of any group
activity right for kids.
So you know, you've probablyall been at athletic events for
young children, elementarychildren, and then you saw
adults on the sidelines who losttheir mind over a referee call
(22:46):
or yelled something unkind andungrateful at a child on the
opposing team and think about,you know, what does that do to
that child's belonging right?
Belonging is something that werole model for kids and yet
sometimes as adults we can bereally thoughtless in what we
(23:08):
say and in how we behave.
Speaker 4 (23:10):
You know, with this piece sometimes we can that
belonging piece.
There's value in the belongingwith peers, which is a lot of
age, segregated type of clubsand things like that.
There's value in a place forthat.
There's a real hazard here, atendency where we can do that at
the neglect ofintergenerational relationships
(23:32):
and old-fashioned community, andI would highly recommend to any
listeners find ways tointroduce your children to
silver-haired people where theywould play a meaningful role in
their life.
Your kid will be all the betterfor it.
Speaker 5 (23:50):
I like that, mike, and I think also it's never too
late to start for listeners, Imean, if you're hearing this for
the first time, and this is allnew concepts start somewhere,
start helping your kids feelvalued and loved and cared for,
and put them in groups or even,like I said, said the basic
group is the family.
So it's never too late to getstarted, to start moving into
(24:12):
onto a different, better paththank you all for joining us
today.
Speaker 2 (24:15):
I hope you feel like this podcast is a safe place for
you to belong and remember youmight have to loan out your
frontal lobe.
Just make sure you get it back.
Speaker 1 (24:27):
Thank you for listening to Brain Based
Parenting.
We hope you enjoyed this show.
If you would like moreinformation about Cal Farley's
Boys Ranch, are interested inemployment, would like
information about placing yourchild or would like to help us
help children by donating to ourmission, please visit
(24:47):
calfarleyorg.
You can find us on all socialmedia platforms by searching for
Calfarley's no-transcript.
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