July 29, 2025 • 17 mins
Cal Farley's Staff Development team introduces their Model of Leadership and Service, a framework focusing on six universal needs that everyone requires: safety, belonging, achievement, power, purpose, and adventure.
• Six basic human needs form the foundation for Cal Farley's approach to helping troubled youth
• Unconditional and restorative relationships are key to meeting children's needs
• Being curious about what motivates behavior helps avoid taking actions personally
• Behavior is viewed as communication about unmet needs rather than problems to punish
• The model provides a guide for decision-making when working with children
• Parents must also ensure their own needs are met to effectively care for their children
• The approach works with adults as well as children in all types of relationships
We'd love to have you join us next week as we dive deep into safety, the foundational element of our model. Until then, remember you may have to loan out your frontal lobes today—just make sure to get them back!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys
Ranch podcast for families.
We all know how hard being aparent is, and sometimes it
feels like there are no goodanswers to the difficult
questions families have whentheir kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be totry and answer some of those
tough questions, utilizing theknowledge, experience and
(00:24):
professional training CalFarley's Boys Ranch has to offer
.
Now here is your host, calFarley's Staff Development
Coordinator, joshua Sprott.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Welcome back everyone and thank you for joining us
today as we continue our journeytalking about brain-based
parenting.
Today, we're going to introduceCal Farley's Model of
Leadership and Service.
To do that, I'm joined byMichelle Michter.
Hello, suzanne Wright, goodmorning, and Mike Wilhelm Howdy
All right.
So each week we start out ourdiscussion by asking the panel
(00:54):
our question of the day, andtoday, since we're talking about
our Model of Leadership andService, and that led me to
models, my question for you isif Hollywood was to make a movie
about your life, what actor oractress would play you?
Yeah, go ahead, Suzanne, Suzannewant to start.
Speaker 5 (01:12):
Well, I think that I would choose Dame Maggie Smith,
who played the Dowager Countessin Downton Abbey, was also
Professor McGonagall in HarryPotter, but I like her wit.
She's a little snarky, she'squick-witted, and I think she
would be the perfect person toplay me, I think I'd have to say
(01:34):
Jada Pinkett Smith.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
I appreciate her powerfulness, her wit also, and
her grace and style.
Speaker 5 (01:42):
You know, we're just imagining who would play us
Michelle, but Chaplain Wilhelmhas actually already been
portrayed in a movie.
Speaker 4 (01:51):
That's true.
Well, I was just going to say Ithink I would choose Richard T
Jones.
He was known as the captain ofthe helicopter that crashed in
Godzilla and he was in.
Let's see what else was he inLife's Journey.
Hear no Evil, atlas Shrugged 2.
(02:13):
I think he's just my favoriteactor and I think he would be
the one I would.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
Wait a minute.
Speaker 4 (02:19):
I think he already has.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Yes, yes he did.
Speaker 4 (02:23):
Okay, yeah, I forgot about that, richard T Jones.
Speaker 5 (02:27):
What was the name of that movie?
Speaker 4 (02:29):
Edge of the World.
Speaker 5 (02:30):
About Cal Farley's.
Speaker 4 (02:31):
Boy Ranch.
About Cal Farley's Boy Ranch.
Speaker 5 (02:33):
I do remember that when he was chosen to play you,
we all agreed that he was a muchyounger, better looking version
of you, Chaplain Wilhelm.
Speaker 4 (02:44):
Ouch, you're probably right.
Speaker 5 (02:48):
Josh, who's going to play you?
Yeah, who's going to play you?
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Oh, well, of course it'd be Jason Statham.
Oh, because you know I have themuscles and everything.
Speaker 5 (02:57):
There's such physical similarities?
Yes, there is.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
And the British accent.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
And the bald head.
The bald head If we're beinghonest, it's the bald head right
, all right.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
So today we're going to give you an overview of the
model of leadership, of service.
So give me an overview of whatthe model of leadership and
service is and why it is soimportant.
Speaker 3 (03:17):
So our model of leadership and service is named
that because it applies toeveryone the families we work
with ourselves, our team members.
Because it applies to everyonethe families we work with
ourselves, our team members.
We believe that there are sixbasic needs that everyone has
safety, belonging, achievement,power, purpose and adventure.
And we believe that when theseneeds are met, everyone can meet
their fullest potential.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
All right, can you guys give me a quick overview of
maybe how each of those impactworking with kids?
Speaker 3 (03:43):
I think what we always start with, or try to
start with, is instilling asense of safety, and that's for
everybody.
It is for the kids, but for ourstaff and our families as well.
And belonging is another bigpiece of feeling welcome and
invited.
And then achievement we have alot of opportunities for kids to
try on new things out here.
So we were just talking aboutthis morning that, even if kids
(04:04):
have never had the chance toparticipate in adventure
activities like we just did aSpartan race or rodeo activities
that they have new things theycan try out here as part of
their achievement.
And then we'll talk a littlebit about power being able to
have self-control and respondthe way you want to, instead of
continually emotionally reactingto things.
Purpose is something we talkabout looking at something
(04:25):
larger than yourself.
And then adventure is anotherpiece of achievement, and
adventure go together is all thedifferent things that we offer
as a way of learning aboutyourself and trying to learn new
skills.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
One thing we often talk about in regards to our
model of leadership is thatrelationships are unconditional
and restorative are key tomeeting these needs.
Can you talk to our audienceabout what that means?
Speaker 3 (04:48):
So a big part of feeling safe and belonging is
the relationships that you'reinvolved in, and when we talk
about unconditional, it meansthat, regardless of your ability
to follow the rules or torespond in a way that I want you
to respond, that we realizethat you have worth and we care
about you.
And then I think of restorativeas being something that can be
restored, regardless of mistakesthat are made or missteps that
(05:10):
are taken, that we will allowthe opportunity to restore the
relationship regardless ofanything that ruptures that.
Speaker 4 (05:18):
Josh.
I'd add to that from aChristian chaplain perspective,
once again, this whole thing ofbeing a model, leadership and
service and brain-in, it's not atake it or leave it, but it's a
take it or blow it, and those Iknow.
Some of the listeners might benon-religious and I think what
(05:41):
we're talking about obviouslythese are universal human
principles.
There might be a lot oflisteners that, like myself,
that are Christian listeners andtrying to help people from that
perspective, that are Christianlisteners and trying to help
people from that perspective,and those that might be
wondering is this really doesthis jive with my Christian
faith?
I'll tell you my journey withthis and learning is it
(06:02):
absolutely does and it honorsthe way God's made us.
And if you were to consider whatrestorative relationships are
like, unconditional andrestorative, that's the whole
story of our Old Testament.
And if you make sure that youtake a step back to see what the
whole story is about, you knowHosea 11.1 says when Israel was
(06:25):
a child, I loved him and out ofEgypt I called my son and then
watch how God deals with Israel.
Called my son and then watchhow God deals with Israel, and
it is not punitive but it isrestorative, and even the
discipline involved.
It all leads to restoration andhope in life, and so that's the
(06:45):
pattern of what we do.
Speaker 5 (06:47):
In the first podcast, michelle mentioned being
curious.
Podcast Michelle mentionedbeing curious and when we are
curious about what motivatesbehavior, it helps us not to
take it personally right.
So when a child misbehaves oracts out or says something
hateful or hurtful and we takeit at face value, it's easy to
(07:09):
want to put limits on ourrelationship or to even walk
away from that relationship.
But when we're curious aboutwhat motivated the child to
speak or behave in that way,it's easier for us to provide an
unconditional and restorativerelationship when we understand
what the goal of behavior is.
Speaker 3 (07:28):
Yeah, and then that goes back to safety again,
because we can't be curious ifwe don't feel safe, and so
whenever we're not, you know,able to be in that open and
curious space is when we'refeeling unsafe for ourselves,
and so it ties right back tothat.
And actually, when ChaplainWilhelm was talking about
restoration, it actually made methink of it differently than I
ever have before.
Just about relationships aremeant to be restorative and that
(07:49):
create wellness and joy.
Right, and sometimes we forgetthat that's a piece of it too is
actually enjoyment and wellnessbrought through the
relationship.
Speaker 4 (08:00):
Nice fruit of this is to have a relationship that's
restorative and not punitive,and following principles of this
model, leadership and servicethat Michelle outlined so well.
What you end up with is you'redealing with a kid that you can
trust with your car keys, ratherthan a kid that is going to
learn to perform to please butactually be sneaky, and you
(08:26):
really don't have real trust,and so what I appreciate about
the model is it leads to realtrusting relationships and
character formation.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
So one of the things I really appreciate about the
model of leadership and serviceis it acts as kind of a guide or
a lens on how I make decisionsin working with kids.
So how, for you all, does themodel of leadership and service
influence your decision-makingwhen determining how to work
with individual kids?
Speaker 5 (08:52):
I think we use it as a guide to determine if a
child's needs are met or not.
So frequently when we look atbehavior, that is an indication
of an unmet need.
So we start with safety.
You know, in this situationdoes the child feel safe or is
their behavior an indicator thatthey feel unsafe in some way
(09:15):
and that could be unsafephysically or mentally or
socially or in any other way?
And so if we meet that needfrequently, the behavior goes
away.
And so we look at it as atemplate to determine if a
child's needs are met.
Speaker 3 (09:33):
Yeah, and then I think of it again.
I think of it with staff too.
Whenever we look at issues thatstaff may be having kids and
staff together a lot of timeslooking at those things on both
sides If the staff is feelingsafe, if the staff is feeling
like they belong and havesupport, and then how that it's
impacting their interactionswith the kids.
And so I think anytime we lookat any kind of issues, this is
(09:55):
what we're filtering it throughfor everybody.
Speaker 5 (09:59):
I think, too, that as a parent, it's just as
important that your needs aremet and you don't have
necessarily necessarilycoworkers or a team who are
looking at you making sure yourneeds are met.
You are working and you'restruggling to care for your
children and you have all sortsof demands upon your time and
(10:19):
obligations and some of yourneeds may not be met, and when
that's the case, it will surelyimpact your ability to meet your
kids' needs and to be calm andto be curious.
Speaker 4 (10:31):
Yep, josh, I'm going to give you a story, a personal
story of, I think, kind of showsthis and it shows some of how
God has worked on me with thisand I think I've learned a few
things and still learning.
But I had a team of teenagekids on a retreat and they were
(10:53):
a mixture of boys, ranch kidsand kids from off ranch and from
non boys ranch kids.
This group of teens weremeeting together for a purpose
(11:13):
of prayer and then preparing togo and serve some pre-adolescent
kids at another camp.
So it was a ministry team thatwe put together and one of our
boys' ranch kids pulled me asideand said Sir, I hate to be a
snitch but I'll just use theword Johnny, surname Johnny, but
Johnny is smoking and I didnotice this peculiar behavior
where this kid seemed awfullynervous and was gone in and out
(11:36):
of the room a lot and our kid,our boys ranch kid, was really
alarmed about that and Iimmediately I did feel the
reaction come on.
We talked last episode aboutreaction versus responding and
this particular boy I happen toknow came from a very, very
(11:58):
unfortunate background and myknee-jerk reaction was this is a
ministry team, a ministrysetting.
That is not okay, that is waynot okay.
And I thought I'm going tocommunicate that clearly to
Johnny and then send him home.
And I caught my breath and Ithought about everything that we
were all about there belongingand safety and forgiveness in
(12:23):
Jesus Christ, and that's what'sbeing proclaimed in this group
and I thought, okay, wait aminute.
So the kids were all aware thatthis boy was smoking.
It was the elephant in theliving room.
I'm the last guy to, to, towhich is just pretty much how it
usually goes.
So we just had a family meetingin the room and and we just
(12:45):
talked about it and Johnny wasso relieved because he felt so
ashamed that he was sneaking outand he loved our group and we
decided together, asked how wecould help him, and so we
decided to say, Johnny, no, wecan't have you smoking here on
(13:08):
this trip, right, but we wantyou to stay.
And that was such a powerfulmoment of belonging for him and
there was safety in the room andwhat we all decided the kids
were so loving and said Johnny,would you just do this every
time you need a cigarette, Wouldyou just tell us and let us
pray over you?
(13:28):
And that's what he did andthat's how we rolled for the
rest of the weekend and it was a.
It was a beautiful trip and Iknow that I learned a lot
through that and Johnny was agift to me.
But that was the principles ofthis model, leadership and
service that helped inform thatdecision and we were all the
(13:51):
better for it.
So I would not have made that.
I would have reacted yearsbefore and not have handled it
the same way.
Speaker 3 (13:59):
I think too that just what you're talking about
looking behind the behaviorright and being curious about it
Because, as you were sayingthat I was thinking I bet that
was you know it's ananxiety-provoking situation,
it's a stressful situation.
Even though the kids want to bea participant in it, it's still
stressful, you know, to them.
And I was thinking about how myown daughter, whenever she's
very anxious, will take that outon me, so a lot of times she's
(14:21):
rude to me or disrespectful tome when she's anxious.
And so being able to take thatpause, I think is what you
mentioned on another episode,but to take that breath and that
pause to realize what's behindthe actual behavior that's
bothering you, so that you canhelp address that, is what's
going to be helpful foreverybody, instead of kind of
your knee-jerk reaction was togo controlling, impunitive,
(14:43):
which would have ended in a muchuglier situation for everybody.
And so I do think that's a bigpiece of this is looking at what
needs are driving the behaviorand what's underneath.
You know what's the actualthing that you think is the
problem is not the problem.
Speaker 4 (14:56):
Sure, and for those listening, I wouldn't recommend
that as a cookie cutter approachto smoking problems, routines,
or that we did everything rightwith what we did, or that will
always work out that way.
But it did change how we viewedthe situation, how we viewed
Johnny and the fact that weintended to restore him and
(15:19):
we're trying our best to berestorative rather than punitive
, and have belonging rather thanbanishment.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
All right.
So the last thing I want totalk about today and you guys
have kind of touched on this abit, but how about the model
leadership in service beinguseful in working with adults?
Speaker 3 (15:36):
You know, one of the things I talk about is, whenever
I'm behaving badly, I hope thatsomeone cares enough about me
to come ask me what's going onwith me and why are you behaving
different than how you normallyare?
And so I think we ask thatpeople do that with kids, but
also with each other, so thatwhen we aren't being our best
self, that there's somethingunderneath that and we need
(15:56):
someone to bring us in closerand to be curious about what's
going on with us.
Speaker 5 (16:00):
I think that can work in any type of relationship,
right.
It can work with your spouse.
It can work with a coworker,with a supervisor, employee
situation that you see somebodybehave and you need to be
curious about that and becurious through the lens of.
Are their needs being met right?
(16:21):
Be curious through the lens ofare their needs being met right?
So often we look at behaviorand we think it is related to
the context we're currently in,when it could have been
triggered by something thathappened before.
Right, so somebody's strugglingat work, but it's because there
are problems at home or theybring problems from work home
into their family.
(16:41):
And so that curiosity willalways be valuable to us in any
relationship that we have.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
All right.
Thank you all for joining ustoday on this journey, and I
hope you'll come back next weekwhen we really dive deep into
the core of our model and we'lltalk about safety.
Until then, remember you mayhave to loan out your frontal
lobes today.
Just remember to make sure andget them back.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
Thank you for listening to Brain Based
Parenting.
We hope you enjoyed this show.
If you would like moreinformation about Cal Farley's
Boys Ranch, are interested inemployment, would like
information about placing yourchild, or would like to help us
help children by donating to ourmission, please visit
(17:24):
calfarleyorg.
You can find us on all socialmedia platforms by searching for
Calfarley's.
Thank you for spending yourtime with us and have a blessed
day.
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys
Ranch podcast for families.
We all know how hard being aparent is, and sometimes it
feels like there are no goodanswers to the difficult
questions families have whentheir kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be totry and answer some of those
tough questions, utilizing theknowledge, experience and
(00:24):
professional training CalFarley's Boys Ranch has to offer
.
Now here is your host, calFarley's Staff Development
Coordinator, joshua Sprott.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Welcome back everyone and thank you for joining us
today as we continue our journeytalking about brain-based
parenting.
Today, we're going to introduceCal Farley's Model of
Leadership and Service.
To do that, I'm joined byMichelle Michter.
Hello, suzanne Wright, goodmorning, and Mike Wilhelm Howdy
All right.
So each week we start out ourdiscussion by asking the panel
(00:54):
our question of the day, andtoday, since we're talking about
our Model of Leadership andService, and that led me to
models, my question for you isif Hollywood was to make a movie
about your life, what actor oractress would play you?
Yeah, go ahead, Suzanne, Suzannewant to start.
Speaker 5 (01:12):
Well, I think that I would choose Dame Maggie Smith,
who played the Dowager Countessin Downton Abbey, was also
Professor McGonagall in HarryPotter, but I like her wit.
She's a little snarky, she'squick-witted, and I think she
would be the perfect person toplay me, I think I'd have to say
(01:34):
Jada Pinkett Smith.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
I appreciate her powerfulness, her wit also, and
her grace and style.
Speaker 5 (01:42):
You know, we're just imagining who would play us
Michelle, but Chaplain Wilhelmhas actually already been
portrayed in a movie.
Speaker 4 (01:51):
That's true.
Well, I was just going to say Ithink I would choose Richard T
Jones.
He was known as the captain ofthe helicopter that crashed in
Godzilla and he was in.
Let's see what else was he inLife's Journey.
Hear no Evil, atlas Shrugged 2.
(02:13):
I think he's just my favoriteactor and I think he would be
the one I would.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
Wait a minute.
Speaker 4 (02:19):
I think he already has.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Yes, yes he did.
Speaker 4 (02:23):
Okay, yeah, I forgot about that, richard T Jones.
Speaker 5 (02:27):
What was the name of that movie?
Speaker 4 (02:29):
Edge of the World.
Speaker 5 (02:30):
About Cal Farley's.
Speaker 4 (02:31):
Boy Ranch.
About Cal Farley's Boy Ranch.
Speaker 5 (02:33):
I do remember that when he was chosen to play you,
we all agreed that he was a muchyounger, better looking version
of you, Chaplain Wilhelm.
Speaker 4 (02:44):
Ouch, you're probably right.
Speaker 5 (02:48):
Josh, who's going to play you?
Yeah, who's going to play you?
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Oh, well, of course it'd be Jason Statham.
Oh, because you know I have themuscles and everything.
Speaker 5 (02:57):
There's such physical similarities?
Yes, there is.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
And the British accent.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
And the bald head.
The bald head If we're beinghonest, it's the bald head right
, all right.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
So today we're going to give you an overview of the
model of leadership, of service.
So give me an overview of whatthe model of leadership and
service is and why it is soimportant.
Speaker 3 (03:17):
So our model of leadership and service is named
that because it applies toeveryone the families we work
with ourselves, our team members.
Because it applies to everyonethe families we work with
ourselves, our team members.
We believe that there are sixbasic needs that everyone has
safety, belonging, achievement,power, purpose and adventure.
And we believe that when theseneeds are met, everyone can meet
their fullest potential.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
All right, can you guys give me a quick overview of
maybe how each of those impactworking with kids?
Speaker 3 (03:43):
I think what we always start with, or try to
start with, is instilling asense of safety, and that's for
everybody.
It is for the kids, but for ourstaff and our families as well.
And belonging is another bigpiece of feeling welcome and
invited.
And then achievement we have alot of opportunities for kids to
try on new things out here.
So we were just talking aboutthis morning that, even if kids
(04:04):
have never had the chance toparticipate in adventure
activities like we just did aSpartan race or rodeo activities
that they have new things theycan try out here as part of
their achievement.
And then we'll talk a littlebit about power being able to
have self-control and respondthe way you want to, instead of
continually emotionally reactingto things.
Purpose is something we talkabout looking at something
(04:25):
larger than yourself.
And then adventure is anotherpiece of achievement, and
adventure go together is all thedifferent things that we offer
as a way of learning aboutyourself and trying to learn new
skills.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
One thing we often talk about in regards to our
model of leadership is thatrelationships are unconditional
and restorative are key tomeeting these needs.
Can you talk to our audienceabout what that means?
Speaker 3 (04:48):
So a big part of feeling safe and belonging is
the relationships that you'reinvolved in, and when we talk
about unconditional, it meansthat, regardless of your ability
to follow the rules or torespond in a way that I want you
to respond, that we realizethat you have worth and we care
about you.
And then I think of restorativeas being something that can be
restored, regardless of mistakesthat are made or missteps that
(05:10):
are taken, that we will allowthe opportunity to restore the
relationship regardless ofanything that ruptures that.
Speaker 4 (05:18):
Josh.
I'd add to that from aChristian chaplain perspective,
once again, this whole thing ofbeing a model, leadership and
service and brain-in, it's not atake it or leave it, but it's a
take it or blow it, and those Iknow.
Some of the listeners might benon-religious and I think what
(05:41):
we're talking about obviouslythese are universal human
principles.
There might be a lot oflisteners that, like myself,
that are Christian listeners andtrying to help people from that
perspective, that are Christianlisteners and trying to help
people from that perspective,and those that might be
wondering is this really doesthis jive with my Christian
faith?
I'll tell you my journey withthis and learning is it
(06:02):
absolutely does and it honorsthe way God's made us.
And if you were to consider whatrestorative relationships are
like, unconditional andrestorative, that's the whole
story of our Old Testament.
And if you make sure that youtake a step back to see what the
whole story is about, you knowHosea 11.1 says when Israel was
(06:25):
a child, I loved him and out ofEgypt I called my son and then
watch how God deals with Israel.
Called my son and then watchhow God deals with Israel, and
it is not punitive but it isrestorative, and even the
discipline involved.
It all leads to restoration andhope in life, and so that's the
(06:45):
pattern of what we do.
Speaker 5 (06:47):
In the first podcast, michelle mentioned being
curious.
Podcast Michelle mentionedbeing curious and when we are
curious about what motivatesbehavior, it helps us not to
take it personally right.
So when a child misbehaves oracts out or says something
hateful or hurtful and we takeit at face value, it's easy to
(07:09):
want to put limits on ourrelationship or to even walk
away from that relationship.
But when we're curious aboutwhat motivated the child to
speak or behave in that way,it's easier for us to provide an
unconditional and restorativerelationship when we understand
what the goal of behavior is.
Speaker 3 (07:28):
Yeah, and then that goes back to safety again,
because we can't be curious ifwe don't feel safe, and so
whenever we're not, you know,able to be in that open and
curious space is when we'refeeling unsafe for ourselves,
and so it ties right back tothat.
And actually, when ChaplainWilhelm was talking about
restoration, it actually made methink of it differently than I
ever have before.
Just about relationships aremeant to be restorative and that
(07:49):
create wellness and joy.
Right, and sometimes we forgetthat that's a piece of it too is
actually enjoyment and wellnessbrought through the
relationship.
Speaker 4 (08:00):
Nice fruit of this is to have a relationship that's
restorative and not punitive,and following principles of this
model, leadership and servicethat Michelle outlined so well.
What you end up with is you'redealing with a kid that you can
trust with your car keys, ratherthan a kid that is going to
learn to perform to please butactually be sneaky, and you
(08:26):
really don't have real trust,and so what I appreciate about
the model is it leads to realtrusting relationships and
character formation.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
So one of the things I really appreciate about the
model of leadership and serviceis it acts as kind of a guide or
a lens on how I make decisionsin working with kids.
So how, for you all, does themodel of leadership and service
influence your decision-makingwhen determining how to work
with individual kids?
Speaker 5 (08:52):
I think we use it as a guide to determine if a
child's needs are met or not.
So frequently when we look atbehavior, that is an indication
of an unmet need.
So we start with safety.
You know, in this situationdoes the child feel safe or is
their behavior an indicator thatthey feel unsafe in some way
(09:15):
and that could be unsafephysically or mentally or
socially or in any other way?
And so if we meet that needfrequently, the behavior goes
away.
And so we look at it as atemplate to determine if a
child's needs are met.
Speaker 3 (09:33):
Yeah, and then I think of it again.
I think of it with staff too.
Whenever we look at issues thatstaff may be having kids and
staff together a lot of timeslooking at those things on both
sides If the staff is feelingsafe, if the staff is feeling
like they belong and havesupport, and then how that it's
impacting their interactionswith the kids.
And so I think anytime we lookat any kind of issues, this is
(09:55):
what we're filtering it throughfor everybody.
Speaker 5 (09:59):
I think, too, that as a parent, it's just as
important that your needs aremet and you don't have
necessarily necessarilycoworkers or a team who are
looking at you making sure yourneeds are met.
You are working and you'restruggling to care for your
children and you have all sortsof demands upon your time and
(10:19):
obligations and some of yourneeds may not be met, and when
that's the case, it will surelyimpact your ability to meet your
kids' needs and to be calm andto be curious.
Speaker 4 (10:31):
Yep, josh, I'm going to give you a story, a personal
story of, I think, kind of showsthis and it shows some of how
God has worked on me with thisand I think I've learned a few
things and still learning.
But I had a team of teenagekids on a retreat and they were
(10:53):
a mixture of boys, ranch kidsand kids from off ranch and from
non boys ranch kids.
This group of teens weremeeting together for a purpose
(11:13):
of prayer and then preparing togo and serve some pre-adolescent
kids at another camp.
So it was a ministry team thatwe put together and one of our
boys' ranch kids pulled me asideand said Sir, I hate to be a
snitch but I'll just use theword Johnny, surname Johnny, but
Johnny is smoking and I didnotice this peculiar behavior
where this kid seemed awfullynervous and was gone in and out
(11:36):
of the room a lot and our kid,our boys ranch kid, was really
alarmed about that and Iimmediately I did feel the
reaction come on.
We talked last episode aboutreaction versus responding and
this particular boy I happen toknow came from a very, very
(11:58):
unfortunate background and myknee-jerk reaction was this is a
ministry team, a ministrysetting.
That is not okay, that is waynot okay.
And I thought I'm going tocommunicate that clearly to
Johnny and then send him home.
And I caught my breath and Ithought about everything that we
were all about there belongingand safety and forgiveness in
(12:23):
Jesus Christ, and that's what'sbeing proclaimed in this group
and I thought, okay, wait aminute.
So the kids were all aware thatthis boy was smoking.
It was the elephant in theliving room.
I'm the last guy to, to, towhich is just pretty much how it
usually goes.
So we just had a family meetingin the room and and we just
(12:45):
talked about it and Johnny wasso relieved because he felt so
ashamed that he was sneaking outand he loved our group and we
decided together, asked how wecould help him, and so we
decided to say, Johnny, no, wecan't have you smoking here on
(13:08):
this trip, right, but we wantyou to stay.
And that was such a powerfulmoment of belonging for him and
there was safety in the room andwhat we all decided the kids
were so loving and said Johnny,would you just do this every
time you need a cigarette, Wouldyou just tell us and let us
pray over you?
(13:28):
And that's what he did andthat's how we rolled for the
rest of the weekend and it was a.
It was a beautiful trip and Iknow that I learned a lot
through that and Johnny was agift to me.
But that was the principles ofthis model, leadership and
service that helped inform thatdecision and we were all the
(13:51):
better for it.
So I would not have made that.
I would have reacted yearsbefore and not have handled it
the same way.
Speaker 3 (13:59):
I think too that just what you're talking about
looking behind the behaviorright and being curious about it
Because, as you were sayingthat I was thinking I bet that
was you know it's ananxiety-provoking situation,
it's a stressful situation.
Even though the kids want to bea participant in it, it's still
stressful, you know, to them.
And I was thinking about how myown daughter, whenever she's
very anxious, will take that outon me, so a lot of times she's
(14:21):
rude to me or disrespectful tome when she's anxious.
And so being able to take thatpause, I think is what you
mentioned on another episode,but to take that breath and that
pause to realize what's behindthe actual behavior that's
bothering you, so that you canhelp address that, is what's
going to be helpful foreverybody, instead of kind of
your knee-jerk reaction was togo controlling, impunitive,
(14:43):
which would have ended in a muchuglier situation for everybody.
And so I do think that's a bigpiece of this is looking at what
needs are driving the behaviorand what's underneath.
You know what's the actualthing that you think is the
problem is not the problem.
Speaker 4 (14:56):
Sure, and for those listening, I wouldn't recommend
that as a cookie cutter approachto smoking problems, routines,
or that we did everything rightwith what we did, or that will
always work out that way.
But it did change how we viewedthe situation, how we viewed
Johnny and the fact that weintended to restore him and
(15:19):
we're trying our best to berestorative rather than punitive
, and have belonging rather thanbanishment.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
All right.
So the last thing I want totalk about today and you guys
have kind of touched on this abit, but how about the model
leadership in service beinguseful in working with adults?
Speaker 3 (15:36):
You know, one of the things I talk about is, whenever
I'm behaving badly, I hope thatsomeone cares enough about me
to come ask me what's going onwith me and why are you behaving
different than how you normallyare?
And so I think we ask thatpeople do that with kids, but
also with each other, so thatwhen we aren't being our best
self, that there's somethingunderneath that and we need
(15:56):
someone to bring us in closerand to be curious about what's
going on with us.
Speaker 5 (16:00):
I think that can work in any type of relationship,
right.
It can work with your spouse.
It can work with a coworker,with a supervisor, employee
situation that you see somebodybehave and you need to be
curious about that and becurious through the lens of.
Are their needs being met right?
(16:21):
Be curious through the lens ofare their needs being met right?
So often we look at behaviorand we think it is related to
the context we're currently in,when it could have been
triggered by something thathappened before.
Right, so somebody's strugglingat work, but it's because there
are problems at home or theybring problems from work home
into their family.
(16:41):
And so that curiosity willalways be valuable to us in any
relationship that we have.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
All right.
Thank you all for joining ustoday on this journey, and I
hope you'll come back next weekwhen we really dive deep into
the core of our model and we'lltalk about safety.
Until then, remember you mayhave to loan out your frontal
lobes today.
Just remember to make sure andget them back.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
Thank you for listening to Brain Based
Parenting.
We hope you enjoyed this show.
If you would like moreinformation about Cal Farley's
Boys Ranch, are interested inemployment, would like
information about placing yourchild, or would like to help us
help children by donating to ourmission, please visit
(17:24):
calfarleyorg.
You can find us on all socialmedia platforms by searching for
Calfarley's.
Thank you for spending yourtime with us and have a blessed
day.
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