Creating Calm Part 2: Practical Tools For Anxious Kids

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Predictability isn’t boring when you’re raising an anxious or easily overwhelmed child—it’s a lifeline. We walk through how structure lowers the brain’s threat response, why surprises often backfire for kids with trauma histories, and how to build a simple regulation schedule that targets the toughest moments of the day. You’ll hear concrete examples from home and classroom life, including how a two-minute pre-class check-in turned a dreaded period into a manageable one, and why short, well-timed breaks restore focus faster than pushing through.

We compare daily routines with regulation schedules and explain how to spot a child’s arousal pattern—when they spike into restlessness or sink into dissociation—so you can match the right tool at the right time. From crunchy vs. chewy snacks to chair push-pulls, breath work, walks, rocking, and DIY fidgets, we share a toolbox that respects sensory preferences and honors the fact that one size never fits all. You’ll also learn to read nonverbal cues—posture, breathing, eye contact, pace of speech—to catch dysregulation early and intervene before behaviors escalate.

Travel and chaotic seasons don’t have to break your stride. We offer front-loading strategies, visual lists, and small rituals that add predictability on the go, plus a reminder that proactive minutes on the front end save hours on the back end. If you’re a tired parent or educator, consider this a warm nudge: you’re not alone, and modeling your own regulation is one of the most powerful lessons you can give. If these strategies help your family regain calm and connection, subscribe, share this episode with a friend, and leave a quick review so more caregivers can find practical, trauma-informed support.

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_02 (00:00):
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys
Ranch podcast for families.
We all know how hard being aparent is, and sometimes it
feels like there are no goodanswers to the difficult
questions families have whentheir kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be totry and answer some of those
tough questions, utilizing theknowledge, experience, and

(00:21):
professional training KalFarley's Boys Ranch has to
offer.
Now here is your host, CalFarley Staff Development
Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.

SPEAKER_01 (00:30):
Welcome back.
Today we're going to continueour discussion on regulation.

SPEAKER_03 (00:33):
To do that, I'm again joined by Suzanne Rott,
Vice President of Training andIntervention.

SPEAKER_00 (00:38):
Adam Lynn, Clinical Intervention Specialist.
Julia Ortega, Direct Care StaffTraining Specialist.

SPEAKER_01 (00:44):
All right, let's jump into our question of the
day.
What's one small routine ordaily habit you personally can't
live without something thathelps you feel centered or ready
for the day?

SPEAKER_04 (00:53):
I didn't even have to think about this.
It is my list and my calendar,making sure my calendar is
accurate for the day.
I can't.
It just throws my whole day offif I don't have my calendar and
my list of things to get done.

SPEAKER_03 (01:07):
I need to start my day with a cup of Earl Grey tea.
I'm not a coffee drinker, but Ireally crave that Earl Grey, and
I I need that hit of caffeine toget my day started.

SPEAKER_00 (01:18):
I've been on Earl Grey all week too.
It's so I'm gonna break yourquestion though and change it to
what makes me get ready for orto close the day.
I can't, I can't close the daywithout giving myself just a few
minutes to kind of stretch andjust move my body a little bit
to work out whatever tension Ihave, I've accumulated

(01:39):
throughout the day to help mesleep.
Wise.

SPEAKER_01 (01:41):
Josh?
Oh, it's it's I am a coffeedrinker and I have to have my
morning cup of coffee or I amnot a very good person for the
rest of the day.
All right.
Since we're talking aboutregulation again, how does
predictability in a child's dayhelp them to stay regulated?

SPEAKER_03 (01:56):
Predictability, a calendar, just like Julie said,
a list really helps your brainstay calm.
You know what to anticipate inyour day.
Even if you have somethingunexpected arise, you still have
a plan and a structure to laythat day down on.
And so that's one less thingyour brain has to worry about
because your day is going to bepredictable and structured.

(02:17):
And so for a lot of kids whohave a history of trauma, there
was no predictability.
And their brain was constantlyon alert or even at alarm,
trying to figure out what'snext, what's next, what's next.
One of the things that we knowfor kids we serve here who have
a history of trauma, that thatstructure, that daily routine
front loading is reallyimportant.

(02:38):
So we talk a lot about givingkids information right up front.
If there is going to be a changein the schedule, we tell them
before that change.
And, you know, some of our staffthrough the years have tried to
plan big surprises for the kids.
And it generally doesn't go wellbecause the kids' brains are
struggling to figure out am Isafe?
Am I unsafe?
What do I have to do?
How should I respond?

(02:59):
And so the more predictabilitywe provide for kids, the easier
it is for them to stay in theircalm brain and to be regulated.

SPEAKER_04 (03:06):
I think if they're already living in alert, alarm,
and then with the lack ofpredictability, we're increasing
anxiety.
So that's gonna automaticallyincrease them.
And so just predictability isjust safety and helping them
maybe have less anxietythroughout their day.

SPEAKER_00 (03:26):
Our bodies are made for rhythm.
You know, we have the circadianrhythm tells us when to wake up
and when to go to sleep.
And I think our our entire livesare kind of governed by governed
by that.

SPEAKER_01 (03:36):
So talking about predictability and regulation,
what what is a regulationschedule and how does that
differ from a typical dailyroutine?

SPEAKER_03 (03:44):
You know, there are a lot of kiddos that have
trouble with transition.
Maybe that's the the transitionfrom leaving home to go to
school in the morning ortransitions between classes or
different activities at school,like going to lunch or back to
the classroom after lunch, ortransitioning home after school.
During those times, kids becomedysregulated.
And so when we notice that oneof our kids on campus is

(04:08):
struggling in that way, orthere's a certain time of day
that they struggle, we try toplan a regulation schedule for
them with some support andactivities that are rhythmic
repetitive patterned to be abridge over that struggle.
A lot of times our counselorsare involved in helping to
create those regulationschedules.

SPEAKER_01 (04:26):
We use these a lot in the homes I supervised.
And one of the most importantthings we did was we kind of
before we set up a regulationschedule, is we kind of did a
just observation of the kid fora week or two to kind of figure
out when the times they werehigh and when the times they
were low.
Once we kind of figured out whatthe pattern was, those times
when they were maybedysregulated, we'd come and do
some type of regulation activityduring those times.

(04:48):
And then the times that maybethey were dissociating, we'd
have them do some type ofupregulation things.
But those were more successful.
The more we kind of understoodtheir their pattern and their
daily schedule, that it reallyhelped kind of target those
times to come in and beintentional, not just do it
because we had free time to doit at a time, but do it at a
time when it was actually usefulfor them.

SPEAKER_03 (05:08):
One of the really interesting things that we've
learned from Dr.
Karen Purvis and Dr.
David Cross is that if you havea child that's having a low
time, that dissociative time,you can give them a snack that's
crunchy and it elevates theirbrain activity and kind of helps
them regulate.
Or a kid who's really having alot of high-level activity or
maybe hyperactivity is is theword we would commonly use, you

(05:30):
could give them a chewy snackand it would help them regulate
down.
And I just was fascinated bythat.
I think those are great tips.

SPEAKER_04 (05:38):
I think one of the times where I personally use
regulation schedules of one ofmy kids was a class that he was
struggling with in school.
So he would he was strugglingwith that class so much that he
would do things to try to keephim from going to that class.
And so we set up with the schoola time where I would go up and

(06:00):
walk with him the last fewminutes of the pre-the-class
before the class he wasstruggling in.
And we go in, we'd go for awalk, we'd have a check-in, we
would he would talk about thisis what I'm gonna do when I
start getting frustrated, just alittle reminder.
And then his class time would gomuch better if we did that every

(06:20):
day before he went into thatclass.

SPEAKER_03 (06:22):
So you know, sometimes Julie, as parents, we
feel like I don't have time forthat.
But the kid's gonna get our timeone way or the other, right?
So either on the front end, aswe try to help a child prepare
and we try to avoid some of thatnegative behavior, or they go
into that situation, they don'thave any help, they can't
exhibit self-control, and nowthey're in trouble, and and

(06:44):
that's where our time isfocused.
So one way or the other, the kidgets our time, but it's so much
more effective if we're beingproactive.

SPEAKER_01 (06:53):
So, what are some practical examples of regulatory
activities or transitions thatcan be built into a child's
daily schedule?

SPEAKER_00 (06:59):
I like the idea of pausing for a snack and a drink
that addresses maybe thatunderlying need before it
becomes a before it manifests asa problem.

SPEAKER_04 (07:08):
We always met our kids after school.
They would have to come in andcheck in with us before they
went to their next activity.
And we always had a snack and adrink for them, which encouraged
them to come check in with us.
But it also helped them withthat transition to their next
activity.

SPEAKER_03 (07:25):
And again, we've said this, but just following
that daily schedule so that kidsknow what to expect, that it's
pretty much the same routine,day after day after day.
Again, calms their brain.
And then if you see transitionsor difficult times, you know,
look for things that would behelpful for that child, right?
In the last podcast, we talkedabout things like listening to
music or taking a walk orsitting in a rocking chair or

(07:48):
find something.
Not all regulation activitiesregulate every child, right?
So, so what's really regulatingfor one person may not work for
another person.
Frequently, when I ask staff,you know, of examples, what
helps you regulate, they'll saymusic.
And I say what kind of music.
And it ranges from Christianmusic to country to rap to hard
rock.
And so obviously, we don't allregulate the same way, right?

(08:11):
But you know, you may have to beexperimental, experimental, and
help your kids try two or threethings before you figure out
what might be helpful.

SPEAKER_04 (08:19):
We talk about that in regulation training too.
Like some kids want regulationthat makes noise.
Some kids don't want regulationthat makes noise.
I do not want regulation thatmakes noise.
Like it will make me veryanxious.
But some kids like the littlecrinkle power click is very
regulating for them.

SPEAKER_01 (08:40):
So what are some signs that a child needs a
regulation break, even if theschedule says it's time to
focus?

SPEAKER_03 (08:46):
I would say inattentiveness or or fidgeting,
inability to sit still.
When when my youngest daughterwas in third grade, you know,
that's the grade where now youhave to take this date test.
So things get right, and it'sand it's really important.
And uh in preparation for thosetests in the spring, their
teacher had taught themregulation tools.

(09:08):
And so she would say thingslike, you know, that they'd been
working for several hours andshe would say, Let's have a
vitamin D break, and they'd allgo stand in front of the window.
Or she would teach them to grabthe side of their chair and push
up, or grab the side of theirchair and pull down.
She taught them some fingerexercises.
And so she taught those overseveral weeks.
And then she also explained,hey, during the test, I can't

(09:30):
tell you to take a regulationbreak, but you know when you
need one and you can quietlytake one yourself.
You can't go look out thewindow, right?
But you could do these fingerexercises or push and pull.
You could do some breathingexercises.
I feel like that made such adifference for her when it was
time to actually take that test.
I I thought that teacher wasbrilliant.

SPEAKER_04 (09:50):
I think too, to recognize when a child needs
regulation, you have to knowyour kid and know what's
different than their ordinarybehavior.
Because you might have a childthat's real bubbly and talkative
and active and then all of asudden they're quiet.
That's a sign they'redysregulated.
Or if you have a a child that'snormally really quiet and all of
a sudden they're fidgety andthey, you know, are are showing

(10:12):
behaviors that are differentthan what's normal, that's a
sign of regulation.
So it can be different for eacheach kid.
It doesn't look the same.

SPEAKER_00 (10:20):
I think maybe we can try to pay attention to
nonverbal cues as well.
A calm body has some prettydistinct features, maybe relaxed
shoulders, kind of sitting in arelaxed posture, breathing
comfortably, making good eyecontact, talking at a slow,
controlled, calm pace.
But if we notice that that'schanging, the bot the body has
more tension in it or eyecontact is less frequent or

(10:43):
speech is more rapid.
It's kind of some physical signsthat maybe this person's
becoming a little bit lessregulated.

SPEAKER_01 (10:49):
And how important is that to do even when it's like
times when the kids really doneed to be focusing?

SPEAKER_03 (10:53):
Again, I I think you give them skills that help them
focus.
Again, as teachers, we that youdon't always want to take a
break, right?
Or as a parent, this is aninconvenient time.
But if you can give them theskills, you're gonna find that
they return to focus muchquicker than if you just try to
ignore the needs that they'reexpressing through their
behavior.

SPEAKER_04 (11:13):
Yeah.
I think just uh even a smalllittle break, a reset is such a
greater payoff then yeah.
It might just need to be a smalllittle like reset, a little
refocus because they're goingto, like you said, get your
time.

SPEAKER_00 (11:29):
Yeah, you know, one way or another.
I think maybe to stay calm takesa lot less energy than to try to
regain calm after it's beenlost.
Right.

SPEAKER_01 (11:38):
So how can parents or teachers observe what is
regulating versus what isactually overstimulating or
dysregulating for a child?

SPEAKER_03 (11:45):
I think the key word there is observe.
I think it just takes payingattention.
That may be easier forindividual parents to do rather
than classroom teachers when youhave a big group of, say, 24 or
30 kids and you're trying tolearn all their signals.
But parents, if you're aware ofdifferent things that tend to
overstimulate or d dysregulateyour child, sharing that with a

(12:07):
teacher could be reallyvaluable.
It it may be that you have achild who is fearful, let's say,
of dogs, and there's a dogcoming to the classroom for you,
right?
Think how helpful that would befor a teacher to know in
advance.
And so that's just one example.
But I think teachers alwaysappreciate tips regarding the
children that are in their care.

SPEAKER_01 (12:27):
So why should we avoid assuming that what works
for one child will work foranother, even if it's in the
same household or classroom?

SPEAKER_00 (12:34):
Every person's unique and has a unique history.
And so developmentally,everybody's different.
Everybody has differentexperience.

SPEAKER_03 (12:41):
You know, even children that grow up in the
same household turn out verydifferently, right?
Because they experienced youdifferently as a parent, right?
So that that first child got tobe the only for however long,
right?
And they had a parent who neverdid this before, right?
You know, and then the nextchild gets a parent who's a
little bit more experienced, butalso a little overconfident
because you've parented that onechild and you think you know

(13:03):
what to do, but surprise, thatsecond one will invariably, you
know, be different.
And so I think any any parentswho have more than one child
know how different theirpersonalities are, that you have
to learn each child and payattention to them.

SPEAKER_01 (13:16):
I remember we had this one or in this one home, I
had this one girl that waspretty dysregulated.
She wanted to go run on thetreadmill, so we went and ran on
the treadmill.
And it worked really, reallygreat for her.
And I got really excited aboutit.
So I decided all the girls inthe home, whenever they got
upset or frustrated, we're gonnago take them to run on the
treadmill.
I couldn't figure out why thiswas actually making things so,
so much worse.

(13:37):
And I learned a very importantlesson, which helpful for one
kid may not necessarily be greatfor the other kids.

SPEAKER_04 (13:43):
You know, I think about my own kids.
My son was a snuggler.
So when he needed someregulation or time, he would
want to snuggle or read a bookor look at, you know, something
or have a conversation in yourlap.
And my daughter was completelythe opposite.
She wanted to be in her room byherself.
I'll look at my own book,sitting on my bed by myself.

(14:06):
Like I don't need you to besnuggling with me.
So they were very different.

SPEAKER_01 (14:12):
What are some overlooked but effective
regulation tools beyond thingslike weighted blankets or
fidgets that caregivers couldconsider?

SPEAKER_00 (14:18):
I was saying maybe the body itself.
We have access to our breath atany given time.
And so to introduce maybe somesimple breathing techniques like
triangle breathing or boxbreathing or anything, that's a
pretty powerful tool.
As is movement, our bodies aremade to move.
And so inviting a time to gowalk or to just to move at all,

(14:39):
rock back and forth, justanything to kind of bring some
attention back to the body.

SPEAKER_03 (14:43):
And you can easily look up those breathing
techniques on on the internet.
You can Google it, you can lookon YouTube.
They're very simple and quick tolearn and easy for kids to do,
even on their own with a littlebit of practice.
You know, there are a lot offidgets that you can make for
little to no cost.
Right?
Like you can order, you canorder a lot of things if you if

(15:05):
you look at regulation tools onthe internet, you can order
relatively simple things all theway to pretty expensive things,
but there's also a lot of DIY.
And it may just simply be like arubber band twisted around the
end of a pencil that you couldfeel that you know it's a it
it's intriguing to your senses.
You can take balloons, fill themwith anything from pebbles to

(15:27):
sand to dishwashing soap or hairgel, right?
And each one has a differenttexture.
Again, what what one personlikes, another person wouldn't
like.
But again, so many simple thingsthat you could use and engage
your kids in creating thosethings with you.

SPEAKER_00 (15:44):
Would a snack be considered a regulation tool?

SPEAKER_03 (15:47):
I think it could be.
Yeah.
Again, if we talked about, youknow, crunchy snacks, raise that
level of brain activity orchewy, lower that.
So, so important.

SPEAKER_01 (15:56):
So, what should parents do if nothing seems to
help regulate their child?
Where where do they start?
Nothing just a good question.

SPEAKER_04 (16:03):
I think you have to have conversation with your
kids, like, and when they're notfeeling regulated wouldn't be
the best time maybe to have thatconversation.
But you could say, what do youneed?
Or what can I do to support youright now?
And they might be able to tellyou, get away from me, you know,
or I just need music, or youknow, they're not ready to have

(16:26):
a conversation, but they mightbe able to say, I need a quiet
space, or I need some music,something to that degree.
I think you have to be able tohave a conversation with them.
And then later, when they arebetter regulated, talk about
different options maybe for themand see what kind of regulation
they might be interested intrying.

SPEAKER_03 (16:44):
I think you also, as you try different things, you
say, How does this make yourbody feel?
How does your body feel when youhold this soft blanket, or how
does your body feel when youlisten to this kind of music, or
if you have this fidget in yourhand, right?
And so again, you're helpingthem connect the sensations in
their body to words that theycan express.

SPEAKER_00 (17:05):
I love that.
And curi that curiosity goes along way to bolstering the
relationship.

SPEAKER_01 (17:10):
I heard someone once say that if you just watch your
kids like when they're playingand stuff like that, that
they're naturally going to dothe things that calm them down.
So if you can kind of if theylike start to twirl or if they
like to skip or things likethat, then you can kind of look
for interventions that would goalong along those lines.
Their body's telling them whatthey they want to do without
even them being aware of it.

SPEAKER_03 (17:30):
You know, we had a set of house parents out here
who several house parents dothis, but but in particular,
this group had, you know, aregulation toolbox and it was
actually a box and it had thingslike ankle weight that kids
could wrap around ankles orwrists, it had some kinetic
sand, it had a maraca, it youknow, it had all sorts of tools,
and the kids got to pick andchoose and experiment, and they

(17:54):
really figured out what wasregulating to each one of them
just through trial and error.

SPEAKER_01 (18:00):
So, how can caregivers maintain a regulation
schedule during travel ortransitions or other chaotic
seasons of life?

SPEAKER_00 (18:07):
I think it might help to front load them and
maybe what to expect.
Things don't always go asplanned.
So you have to have someflexibility in that.
But if they know, you know,we're only gonna go 50 more
miles and then we're gonna stopat the hotel that we already
have reserved.
I don't know, it could kind ofput some predictability into
that into that chaoticsituation.

SPEAKER_03 (18:27):
One of my children really benefited from a list.
And so if I could say, here'sthe list, you know, here's what
travel today looks like and thenwhere we're gonna stop and
here's what it looks like, youknow, so that she had a physical
reference for it just providedher some structure instead of I
have no idea what's gonnahappen.
You know, that just didn't workvery well.
And and you know, she's growntoday, but is still a very

(18:50):
organized, methodical.
If she plans her own trips,there's a schedule, there's a
plan because it just helps herbrain coordinate the chaos of a
trip.

SPEAKER_04 (18:59):
I think front loading is so important.
And I think one of the one ofthe worst decisions I made as a
house parent was I decided I wasgonna surprise my home with a
trip on a Saturday off campus,and it did not go well at all,
at all.
So yeah, no more surprises.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (19:18):
So what encouraging, so what encouragement would you
give to a parent who's exhaustedor overwhelmed and just worried
that they're not doing it right?

SPEAKER_03 (19:25):
I don't know any parent who hasn't felt that at
some moment.
So I say that to say if you feelthat way, you are certainly not
alone.
And it's really easy to compareyourself to parents who look
like they have it all together.
But in reality, we are learningto parent as we go.
And we could do a whole podcastabout ways we've screwed this
up.

(19:46):
I don't want to be on that one,Josh, but but I just think, you
know, number one, no, you're notalone.
And we've we've done otherpodcasts about this too is just
looking for community where youcan find support from other
parents if that.
Your church or other parentswhose children attend the same
schools.
You do I think if if you can bevulnerable and reach out to

(20:07):
another parent and say, I'mreally struggling with, you're
gonna open up a safe place forother parents to share with you
as well.

SPEAKER_01 (20:15):
I think that's so important.
They may not even have answersfor you, but just the fact that
someone's in it with you andthat you're not alone really can
really help bolster you and makeyou feel like you can actually
make it.

SPEAKER_04 (20:25):
I think it's okay for our kids too to see us take
care of ourselves when we'refeeling that way.
Like that's how they're going tolearn.
When I'm feeling overwhelmed,this is something I could do.
Or when I'm really tired, I needrest.
And if we're not modeling whatwe want our kids to learn, then

(20:45):
they're going to not learn howto take care of themselves.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (20:49):
And so maybe if we see another parent struggling,
we can invite that conversation.
Maybe like, what are you doingto take care of yourself?
Or what can I do to help you?

SPEAKER_01 (20:59):
All right.
Thank you so much for joining ustoday.
If this helped regulate you morethan your morning cup of coffee
or Earl Grey tea, leave us afive-star review and tell a
friend.
If you'd like to contact us andask us a question, our email is
address is podcast atcalfarley.org.
I'll make sure and leave a linkin the description.
And as always, you might have toloan out your frontal lobes
today.
Just make sure you remember andget them back.

SPEAKER_02 (21:19):
Thank you for listening to Brain Based
Parenting.
We hope you enjoyed this show.
If you would like moreinformation about CalFarley's
Boys Ranch, are interested inemployment, would like
information about placing yourchild, or would like to help us
help children by donating to ourmission, please visit
calfarley.org.
You can find us on all socialmedia platforms by searching for

(21:42):
CalFarley's.
Thank you for spending your timewith us and have a blessed day.