October 28, 2025 • 31 mins
Feeling overloaded by family logistics and daily meltdowns? We brought together our counseling, training, clinical, and campus life team to share five brain-based strategies that bring calm, clarity, and connection without adding more stress. You’ll hear how simple routines reduce decision fatigue, why writing the plan where everyone can see it boosts follow-through, and how to hold the line when kids push back so new habits actually stick.
If you’re ready for a calmer home and stronger bonds, start with just one strategy tonight and build from there. Subscribe for weekly brain-based parenting tools, share this episode with a friend who needs a win, and leave a quick review to help more families find us.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys
Ranch podcast for families.
We all know how hard being aparent is, and sometimes it
feels like there are no goodanswers to the difficult
questions families have whentheir kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be totry and answer some of those
tough questions utilizing theknowledge, experience, and
(00:21):
professional training CalFarley's Boys Ranch has to
offer.
Now here is your host, CalFarley Staff Development
Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.
SPEAKER_04 (00:30):
Hello and welcome back.
We've heard from many people whoare looking for quick practical
steps that they can take rightnow for both themselves and
their kids to regain a sense ofcontrol and create a safer,
calmer family life.
Today we're gonna share our topfive strategies to help you do
just that.
To do that, today I'm joined bySuzanne Wright.
SPEAKER_01 (00:47):
I oversee the counseling department and the
training department here at BoysRanch.
SPEAKER_02 (00:51):
Emily Tennyson, clinical intervention
specialist.
SPEAKER_03 (00:53):
Judah Brown, Campus Life Supervisor.
SPEAKER_04 (00:55):
All right, let's kick off with our question of
the day.
So what is your go-to activitythat you do every day to ensure
that you have a successful startto your day?
SPEAKER_01 (01:03):
I feel like my days are much more successful if I
remember to say a prayer eachmorning.
That if that's the first thing Ithink of, if I can follow
through on that and just ask forthe Lord to guide me through the
day, I have a much better day.
SPEAKER_02 (01:17):
I would have to say making my coffee ritual that I
have while listening to certainsongs on my music device,
including The Day by ForrestFrank.
SPEAKER_03 (01:26):
For mine, if I'm gonna have a successful day,
most of the time it's a run or awalk or something in the morning
that is some level of physicalactivity.
For me, it's coffee too.
SPEAKER_04 (01:36):
I mine's not elaborate or anything, it's just
the old school percolator andwhatever.
But I will not be successful ifI do not have my coffee in the
morning.
The first thing we think thatwill be helpful for families is
to create a reasonable anddoable schedule and routine.
So why is having a solid familyschedule and providing structure
and routine so important forfamilies to be successful?
SPEAKER_03 (01:56):
I think the important importance behind a
routine is everybody knowswhat's next.
Having kind of a guideline andknowing what's next, and then
everybody not being surprised,whether you have little ones or
older ones, if you can have aroutine, it kind of takes out of
the surprise of the day.
SPEAKER_01 (02:10):
It takes out a lot of effort for the day too.
If you have a routine andschedule that's fairly simple,
pretty consistent throughout theweek, it takes away a lot of the
decision fatigue that we gettrapped in when we're trying to
come up with what next.
SPEAKER_02 (02:24):
Kind of becomes muscle memory.
SPEAKER_04 (02:25):
Yes.
So how would you recommendstarting and implementing
structure and routine into yourhome if that hasn't been part of
your life going up to thispoint?
SPEAKER_02 (02:33):
I would say start small, maybe picking two to
three things that you canimplement throughout the day,
maybe something in the morning,something mid, and something in
the evening, kind of help createthat schedule and routine.
SPEAKER_01 (02:43):
I would definitely recommend that you bring your
kids into that schedule settingprocess.
And I think as you start tocreate a schedule, you may find
you have more routine than youthink you do.
But maybe it's just never beenwritten down.
But I think if you'll includethe kids, you'll get more buy-in
to that daily routine.
SPEAKER_03 (03:01):
Anytime we do like a schedule change or we talk about
something to our routine, we doa family meeting.
And the family meeting is alwayshelpful.
What do you think about writingit down?
SPEAKER_01 (03:20):
I mean, I'm a huge fan of writing it down.
I'm a list maker by nature.
And so for me to have a visualschedule that I can refer to,
maybe if it's even posted on thefridge where everybody has
access to it again, I'm muchmore likely to follow that.
If it's filed somewhere in myhead and I have to remember it,
chances are less likely thatI'll be successful following a
(03:42):
schedule.
I like to have a schedule on mycomputer and an actual in real
life schedule also.
SPEAKER_03 (03:48):
I think as a house parent, that was one thing that
we felt was really important.
And you'd be surprised theamount of kids that would go to
the schedule and see what wasnext on the schedule.
It was always helpful,especially our kids that would
be considered to be a little bitmore difficult.
They always really needed thatschedule and craved kind of the
structure and routine of it.
SPEAKER_01 (04:07):
It also helps decrease some of that, you know,
mom, mom, mom, mom.
What what's this?
Go look at the schedule.
It's on the schedule, right?
Until it, until it builds apathway in their brain.
SPEAKER_04 (04:16):
Just an extra tip.
If you laminate it, it justfeels more important and more
official.
SPEAKER_01 (04:20):
So all right.
SPEAKER_04 (04:22):
So many families already feel overbooked.
So how can they add morestructure without adding more
stress?
SPEAKER_01 (04:28):
I think actually the structure relieves the stress.
Again, because if it's likecreating that written schedule
gets it out of your brain andonto paper, and I think you're
less likely to double bookyourself if you can look and see
what is the what's on thecalendar or what, you know, what
do we have planned?
And especially if it's somethingthat repeats, you know, every
every Wednesday evening we havechurch, or every Saturday
(04:50):
morning we have breakfast withgrandma, or you know, but then
it's just there visually, and Ithink it kind of cuts some of
the mental load and the mentalclutter.
SPEAKER_04 (04:59):
So, what might be some common mistakes parents
make when trying to implementroutines and how would you
advise them to avoid them?
SPEAKER_03 (05:06):
I think one of the things we used to do is we would
sometimes add too much.
And I think the other piece isnot being willing to make
changes on your routine.
If you realize that something'snot working, being willing to
change it and be flexible andfluid and not throw it out
completely, but realize, like,oh, we just need to change the
way that we're doing this.
That's really great advice,Judah.
SPEAKER_02 (05:26):
I think even trying to change everything at once,
and that's going back to thestarting small and advice,
getting feedback from your kidson what to start to change
first.
SPEAKER_01 (05:36):
I think sometimes we and we've said this, but we
overschedule and we don't alwaysallow enough time for kids to
just have downtime or free timeand play outside without
necessarily being in an event.
And I think that that may beincluded in your schedule are
blocks of free time.
We're blocks of downtime.
SPEAKER_04 (05:55):
So, Judah, you kind of mentioned this.
How do you recommend balancingflexibility with consistency
when you're building your familyschedule?
SPEAKER_03 (06:02):
Well, I really like the idea of feedback and and
talking with the kids.
I think also getting an idea ofwhere people are are at, taking
your temperatures and takingeverybody's temperature of, hey,
is this too much?
Maybe we need to back off on onthis part of our routine.
And like I said, I think theidea of being flexible with your
routine and having and goingback to look at it and say,
(06:22):
okay, what what do we need tochange?
And having those family meetingsand conversations really help.
SPEAKER_04 (06:27):
I was wondering too about one of the hardest things
I've heard when you're firststarting a schedule is the kids
will maybe push up against itand not want to follow it and it
may just be really, really badat first.
Do you think it's how importantis it, do you think, to push
through that and keep going andstay consistent with your
schedule?
SPEAKER_01 (06:43):
I think that's critical.
I think it's our job to set therules and to set the boundaries,
and it's a kid's job to pushagainst those boundaries.
So just like with anything newin your home, whether it's a
schedule or a new rule, a newroutine, you know, you've made
that decision, you've you'vegotten their input.
Now it's the adult's job to holdthe line.
SPEAKER_04 (07:02):
And it might get harder before it gets easier,
right?
SPEAKER_01 (07:04):
Sometimes it does.
SPEAKER_02 (07:05):
And Suzanne, just like you said earlier,
eventually it'll build the newpathways in their brain.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (07:09):
I think having rationales behind it really
helps too.
Not a back and forth argument towhere you're getting into
content and explaining andfeeling like you have to reason
and go back and forth, the kid,but being able to say, hey, this
is the reason why we're doingthis.
It's it's to help me, but alsoto help you as you get older to
create some level ofconsistency.
My dad is a type A personality,and he was in the military
(07:32):
before I was born.
And one of the things that hewas really big on my whole
raising was going through myroom and making sure my bed was
made, was the most importantthing for him.
My bed was not made.
It was always a discussion oflike, hey, why do I want you to
make your bed?
And I never had a really goodanswer.
You know, like I don't know.
And he'd say, Because if I canget you to make your bed in the
(07:54):
morning, then I can get you toput your shoes where they're
supposed to be.
Then we can work on making sureyour closet and your clothes are
picked up.
So it was like little by littlewhat Emily was talking about.
If we can work on little thingslike making beds and making sure
that routine is there, it'sreally helpful.
SPEAKER_01 (08:09):
So the question becomes Judah, is your bed made?
Actually, it is.
So and Judah, did you make thatbed?
SPEAKER_03 (08:17):
I did.
So here's here's the other sideon this.
For me, because he said that inmy life, there are two things.
Making a bed and my counterspace in my kitchen.
If I've got stuff on thecounters, I feel like my life is
cluttered.
And if my bed isn't made, Idon't have a good day for
whatever reason.
And he set that very young in mylife.
(08:37):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_04 (08:38):
All right.
The next practical step we wantto suggest is to make daily
rituals.
So what are daily rituals andhow do daily rituals differ from
the routines and why are bothimportant?
SPEAKER_01 (08:47):
I think a daily ritual is just something that
you do as a family, or maybe itmay be different.
You do different rituals withdifferent children in your
family, but they're just littletouchstones through the day to
connect you to your children.
So it might be that everymorning as you wake your kids
up, you have a catchphrase thatyou say.
(09:08):
Or, you know, maybe you you makeyour child's lunch and you put a
little note in that lunch.
Or, you know, maybe on the wayout the door in the morning
there's something, you know, youhave a catchphrase or something
you always say, but it just itbuilds those bonds between each
family member.
And it's just a special tinylittle moment that really
doesn't take much effort ortime.
SPEAKER_04 (09:28):
So what are some other simple low-cost rituals
that can make a big differencein a family connection?
SPEAKER_02 (09:34):
I think a fun pump up song on the way to school
could be one.
SPEAKER_01 (09:37):
We had just a short little prayer that someone had
given us in a frame at somepoint and it hung by our front
door.
And so every morning before weall left to go to school and
work, we would say that littleprayer together.
It was really short, but it wasjust seemed like an important
connection each morning beforewe walked out the door.
SPEAKER_04 (09:54):
So mine was every morning when I had dropped my
youngest daughter off atdaycare, we'd have a race to the
front door, and she always beatme.
And it was just one of those funthings we did every morning from
when she could walk all the wayto her last day of daycare.
SPEAKER_01 (10:07):
You and we've talked about this on this podcast
before, but you have anotherevening ritual with your girls,
don't you?
SPEAKER_04 (10:13):
Yep.
We read a bedtime story everynight.
It was one of those things westarted like in late elementary,
early middle school, and Ididn't think it would last.
And they're going, getting readyto go to college like in two
weeks.
And I'm not sure if we're gonnakeep it going, if we're gonna do
a voice zoom call or somethinglike that.
But yeah, that's they they don'tgo to bed unless they have their
nighttime story.
SPEAKER_02 (10:32):
I think some other ones could be sharing your daily
high or daily low.
Even weekly ones could be fun,like chocolate milk Monday or
ice cream Sunday Sundays.
Those can just be small momentsof connection.
I know that's a little bit morethan maybe 60 seconds, but it
could still have some of thatroutine and schedule.
SPEAKER_01 (10:47):
I want to come live at your house, Emily.
I want I want ice cream andchocolate milk.
SPEAKER_03 (10:53):
That does sound good.
Ritual is a part of what I loveto do.
I like to create rituals orroutines, or not routines, but
things that I do for myself.
Like on Fridays, I wear aHawaiian shirt.
I do things like that with mykiddos too.
Jonas does a lot of fun things,but I I do feel like reading
stories with him at night is abig deal.
The one root the one ritual he'sgot going on now is we lay down
(11:16):
with him and he's three yearsold, and every night before
bedtime, I say, Hey, go giveyour mom all of her hugs and
kisses.
And he says, Okay, and then wego lay down, and then of course
he says, Hey, I gotta give herone more hug.
And we it's the one more hugroutine.
And I love that because it'slike I look like I am annoyed
with it.
Oh, do you really have to?
(11:37):
But I really love it becauseit's his way of like showing his
mommy how much he loves her, youknow.
And so, and we know what's gonnahappen every night, too.
SPEAKER_04 (11:45):
So, how do these rituals create a culture, a
positive culture in your home?
What about them kind of fostersthat connection, do you think?
SPEAKER_01 (11:52):
I mean, I think they're they're based on things
that are personal to yourfamily, right?
Little maybe little inside jokesor little inside connections.
It makes your child feel specialand and connected to you.
And sometimes they have adifferent ritual with their mom
than their dad.
I'm guessing April did not alsorace Abby to the daycare door,
right?
(12:12):
But what a cool thing that sheremembers, you know, having
having with her dad.
And I think it it adds tobelonging.
You know, kids feel connected,they feel attached, they have
belonging.
SPEAKER_04 (12:23):
Yeah, I think about when I talk with my brothers
about our childhood and we'rereminiscing about the good old
days and all that, that's all wetalk about is the daily rituals.
And I think that's the part thatkind of makes our childhood
special and fun.
SPEAKER_03 (12:35):
I feel like one thing, and Emily kind of hit it,
that we haven't connected asmuch is how we connect food with
rituals too.
Because there are kids that mywife and I raised as house
parents that we'll still calland ask, like, hey, how did you
do this or how did you makethis?
What was the recipe?
Yes, yeah.
And and one of just recently Ihad a girl reach out to me and
(12:55):
she said, Hey, how did you makehot cocoa?
And uh I said, lots and lots andlots of sugar.
And she was like, Oh, that makessense why I loved it so much.
SPEAKER_01 (13:05):
Yeah, four times as much sugar into a thing.
SPEAKER_03 (13:08):
Exactly.
Like I put two cups into she'slike, oh my goodness, I'm
surprised I haven't haddiabetes.
It's like but I do feel likewhen we add food to those
rituals or or what we're doingand how we do meals together is
such an important thing.
Josh, I remember you doing atraining once where you were
talking about how importantmeals were to a family.
(13:29):
It's really one of our biggestthings as a family is to try to
sit down together, no matter howbusy it is, even if it's five
minutes, especially with my16-year-old daughter who wants
to just scarf down her meal.
And then my little ones whocan't sit still and want to run
around the table.
I think the importance ofsitting down and trying to have
some level of, hey, this is animportant part of our routine.
(13:50):
What do you guys like about ourmeals?
And talking about that is justimportant too.
SPEAKER_04 (13:54):
So, Judah, that's actually a perfect segue to
number three in our list ofsuggestions is increasing the
number of family meals we havetogether.
So, what does research tell usabout the benefits of regular
family meals?
SPEAKER_01 (14:06):
So I did look that up.
Research shows that having mealstogether creates stronger family
bonds.
It improves communicationbetween family members, and it
also promotes healthier eatinghabits for both the kids and the
adult.
SPEAKER_04 (14:19):
So, what are some realistic strategies that
families can do with theirhectic schedules to share more
meals together?
SPEAKER_01 (14:26):
I think it's important to be creative and
understand that doesn't alwaysmean dinner.
I think evenings are some of ourbusiest times, especially when
we have kids involved in sportsor other extracurricular
activities, and that mealtogether may be a breakfast, or
maybe it's brunch every Saturdaymorning or it lunch after church
(14:46):
on Sundays, you know, but thatwe don't get stuck into thinking
dinner's the only time thatworks for that connected time.
SPEAKER_02 (14:53):
Absolutely.
That's what we we did.
We were so busy growing up.
It was breakfast.
For us, we always had breakfasttogether, or even planning two
to three days that will be themealtimes together versus trying
to focus on seven days a week,that can also feel overwhelming.
SPEAKER_04 (15:07):
I think that's one of the best things to start out
with, too, is not think you haveto do three meals a day, seven
days a week, especially ifyou're starting out, that may
feel overwhelming.
But if you just yeah, pick twoor three days and start there,
and then you can always expandand build on that.
How can families make mealtime amore positive experience, even
if the kids aren't reallythrilled about being there?
SPEAKER_02 (15:25):
Maybe let the kids pick the menu or know ahead that
you're gonna keep theconversation light and try not
to discuss any stressors of theday.
SPEAKER_01 (15:33):
You mentioned earlier sharing highs and lows.
And sometimes that's a greatopportunity when you're all
seated together at the table.
Everybody shared what went welltoday and then what was the
struggle for me today.
SPEAKER_04 (15:44):
We always had music playing in the background to let
the kids pick like something onstreaming, what uh genre music
they wanted to listen to, andthat kind of helped a little bit
too.
SPEAKER_03 (15:53):
I feel like just breathe and know that it's not
gonna be perfect.
I think the things that Iremember the most with meals are
my wife's family, and she hadshe comes from a big family.
I come from a small family.
We sit together, especially whenI was first a part of their
family.
It was chaotic.
It was wild, it was chaotic, andit was loud.
(16:13):
And from being from a smallfamily, it was quiet at our
dinner table.
So, like for me, it was it was alittle bit crazy to see how
chaotic it was, but it was a lotmore enjoyable.
Just the memories that werecreated and the jokes and the
fun that was there, and itwasn't prim and proper.
And I think knowing that mealswill sometimes be a little
(16:34):
chaotic, but enjoying that chaosthat's there.
SPEAKER_01 (16:37):
And adults, you set the example.
So you leave your phone inanother room, you know.
I mean, you you set thatlighthearted mood, you know, you
you bring some levity and Josh,you would be really great at
having a dad joke at every meal.
I mean, you know, but but doingsomething like that that again
makes the kids want to be there.
(16:57):
Emily mentioned this is not atime where we go over, I got a
call from your teacher today andyou're in trouble.
You know, that that's not a timefor it.
This is another to strengthenthose bonds and those
relationships.
SPEAKER_04 (17:08):
So the fourth strategy we suggest is saying
yes, being more thoughtful aboutyeses and no's.
Why do you think many parentsdefault to saying no so quickly
and what can help shift thismindset?
SPEAKER_01 (17:19):
I think when my kids were little, I defaulted to no
just because whatever they wereasking for was one more thing.
You know, I'm like I'm alreadytired and there's already been a
lot of stuff going on today, andI still have a list of goals to
accomplish and here there, it'sone more ask.
It's it seemed like it was onemore task to add to my to-do
list.
And so I frequently heard a nojust roll off my tongue before I
(17:41):
had even really processed whatthey were asking for.
And it was an that's a negativehabit to get into.
As far as helping shift thatmindset, I think it's important
to just become self-aware ifthat's if you've fallen into
that trap.
I think that's an easy trap tofall into, and you have to just
start paying attention, youknow, and start catching
yourself.
(18:01):
And so if you, you know,self-awareness is the first step
in being able to shift that.
SPEAKER_03 (18:06):
No's are easy.
Yeah, that's the the easy answerfor me.
When I first became a houseparent, I remember at one place
I worked.
No was what we were taught, waslike the default at first.
And I worked at another place,and then their response was
there was like a ratio to no'sto yeses.
So they were like, hey, forevery one no, you should have
(18:26):
two yeses to kind of get you outof the mindset of giving no's
all the time.
So it's like, okay, I've used myone no, now I've got to try to
use two yeses on something easy.
So you're a little bit morecareful with your your no's and
yeses too, where you're beingmore thoughtful about, okay, I'm
about to give a no.
Does this really need to be ano?
Or is this something that isgonna be easier for me?
(18:48):
Is this gonna be somethingthat's gonna be helpful for the
kid in the long run?
Because I think that's why we doit.
It's easy.
It's easy to say no, it's easyto shut it down early.
Yeses can sometimes be a itmight be a little bit wilder, it
can be a little bit more fun,and it allows a kid a little bit
more of this idea that, hey, mymom and dad aren't always gonna
say no to me.
SPEAKER_04 (19:08):
So thinking about being more thoughtful and
mindful of what our yeses andno's, how does modeling the
principle of letting your yesmean yes and your no mean no
help build trust and respectwithin your family?
SPEAKER_01 (19:18):
You know, sometimes as parents, when that no no
comes first, we get resistancefrom the kids and then that
leads to begging and leads towhining.
And eventually sometimes we givein.
And what does that teach yourkids, right?
It teaches them that whiningwins and persistence pays off.
And that's not really what wewant to teach, but we do that.
We do that a lot.
(19:39):
And so if we've been thoughtfulabout that yes or that no to
begin with and give in the yeseswhenever possible, I think
you're gonna see a lot lessresistance.
And I think they're gonnaunderstand that when you do say
no, there's a reason behindthat.
You know, if you've if youconstantly say no and later give
in to yes, you've you've taughtthem to beg for a yes.
SPEAKER_04 (20:00):
So, how can parents be intentional about their yeses
without feeling like they'relosing control?
SPEAKER_03 (20:05):
I think what I said earlier, having a ratio, a yes
to no ratio can help you alittle bit with that.
I think also realizing that ayes doesn't mean that you're
gonna have complete chaos.
Be trusting with your kids onthings, know that they're gonna
that you've, especially ifthey're older and they're to
that teenage stage, that theycan make some decisions and
we've got to allow them to makedecisions to do things that
(20:26):
might not always be the easiest.
SPEAKER_01 (20:28):
I think you have to consider too, what's your
long-term goal?
If your long-term goal is toprovide external control where
you're always in charge of yourkids, they're gonna have a
really difficult timetransitioning to adulthood and
independence, right?
But if your goal is to provideexternal control until they
develop some internalself-control, that's what you
want as they leave your care andmove into adulthood.
(20:51):
And so if I'm feeling like Ihave to control every little
thing, I probably need tore-evaluate some of my parenting
approach, right?
Because, you know, you're notgonna always be in control.
And there needs to be a gradualtransition.
If you, if you externallycontrol your kids until they
have freedom, then Judas saidthen then there's chaos and then
they go wild, right?
(21:12):
And so you want to start thatproviding them with internal
self-control as soon as that'sage appropriate, and then let
them develop that.
And some of that is abouttrusting them enough to give a
yes.
SPEAKER_02 (21:23):
And could that also be could that also look like
providing a yes with clearexpectations based on their
developmental age?
SPEAKER_01 (21:30):
I agree.
I think that's wonderful.
Provide that yes, and then youhave a conversation about what
would that look like.
SPEAKER_03 (21:36):
This is a little bit of a rabbit trail.
As you were talking, I wasthinking about with my
16-year-old daughter, I didn'treally have as many issues with
my oldest son.
He like we told him something,he went with it, he that's just
how he was.
With my daughter, she kickedback a little bit more, which is
kind of how I'm wired.
And so what ended up happeningwas, especially when she got old
(21:58):
enough to get a phone, we wouldalways get to this point where
anything was like loss of yourphone.
And I weirdly got to a pointwhere everything was hand over
your phone.
And it was like a little bit ofattitude, hand over your phone,
got to this default setting.
And it was almost like with myno's and my yeses, where it was
like hand it over.
And we had this conversationwhere I asked her, I said, Hey,
(22:19):
I'm obviously making you upsetevery time I talk to you.
I feel like when I say anything,you just want to like yell and
get mad at me, or walk off andslam your door, and like we're
just having struggles.
What I need to do differentlynow.
This took nearly a year of usbunting heads.
She told me, she said, You takemy phone all the time.
(22:41):
And I said, Okay, so if I juststopped taking your phone and if
we can figure out somethingelse, would that help our
relationship?
And she said, Yes.
We we decided from that point onI wasn't gonna touch the phone.
When we did consequences or whenwe had conversations, that was
that was the one area or the onething I was not gonna do.
(23:01):
And it was a surprise how ourrelationship almost changed
overnight.
Wow, it was the conversation,but man, I have to do things
dumb for a while before it takesa little bit.
But I think what was helpful forher for me a little bit was the
realization that that phone wassuch a connection to her
(23:21):
friends, which I never had anddidn't understand.
So once we got there, it waslike, oh, I need to recognize
that this is important.
And I know it's it's a littlebit of a sidetrack, but I feel
like with yeses and no's, I hadthat same moment of clarity a
little bit with kids I workedwith where I was the no parent
and I just gave a lot of no's.
(23:42):
And I had a supervisor that madethe comment and the connection
of like, hey, why don't you trya no every now or a yes every
now and then instead of a no.
And it was interesting to seehow my relationships with those
kids changed overnight just byallowing a a little bit more of
flexibility or even justlistening to them.
SPEAKER_04 (24:01):
I think an interesting part of this too is
you don't have to say yes and noright away.
I think we rush into our weeither automatically say yes or
automatically say no and wedon't have time to think about
it.
We're actually in charge and wecan say, Let me think about that
for a little bit and then giveyour yes or no.
SPEAKER_01 (24:16):
When my oldest daughter was about five, if I
said no, she would say later.
She she always countered that.
No, the answer was later.
Right.
She was encouraging me, hey, whydon't you think about that
before you just automaticallygive a no?
SPEAKER_04 (24:30):
All right, our last fifth and last strategy is front
loading.
So for those of you who haven'theard the term before, what does
front loading mean in theparental context and why is it
such a powerful parenting tool?
SPEAKER_02 (24:42):
It's preparing your kids in advance for what's
coming so they know the plan,the expectations, and possibly
any changes beforehand.
SPEAKER_03 (24:50):
At one place I worked at, they would say
pre-teaching.
SPEAKER_02 (24:53):
Oh, that's a good phrase too.
SPEAKER_03 (24:54):
Yeah, because pre-teaching is a helpful one.
And that was the first bit ofadvice I got from somebody when
my wife and I were becominghouse parents, is they said
pre-teach, preteach, pre-teach.
So it's like your goal is tofigure out what's gonna happen
and front load to that orpre-teach to whatever whatever
could go wrong or whatever theexpectations might be, so the
(25:16):
kids can be prepared for that.
SPEAKER_04 (25:17):
So why is it such a powerful tool then?
Why why do we utilize frontloading so much here at the
ranch?
SPEAKER_01 (25:23):
I think it reduces stress, right?
I think if if kids know what toanticipate, they can mentally
prepare for that and theyrespond better than if they're
caught off guard or they'resurprised, right?
So if if, for example, if weknow there's gonna be a change
in staffing and that tomorrowdifferent people would be on
duty in their home, we tell thekids in advance because that way
(25:45):
they can mentally prepare for itrather than wake up and somebody
unexpected is covering theirhome.
So I just think it gives theirtheir brains opportunity to
think about it, to prepare forit, and it reduces it reduces
anxiety.
SPEAKER_04 (25:58):
So, what might be some real world examples of how
front loading can preventmeltdowns and other conflicts?
SPEAKER_03 (26:03):
I think before you go somewhere, if you're gonna go
somewhere or if you're going totake your kids into a store,
letting them know even beforeyou leave the house what that's
gonna look like, um, how longit's gonna take, what you might
be getting, kind of theexpectations of of what you
expect from them when you go,and maybe some positive rewards
if you can get through it, um,can be really helpful as well.
SPEAKER_02 (26:24):
This might be a rabbit trail, but to tag off of
that, if there is some anxietyabout going off into stores
while you're front loading,maybe giving a kid a job.
Hey, you keep your eye out forthe corn.
You keep your eye out for thetortillas and help get some
buying in that.
SPEAKER_03 (26:39):
You push the cart.
SPEAKER_01 (26:41):
I used to always give my kids a little lecture,
like if if they were going toplay at a friend's house or we
were going to a birthday party,or even, okay, we're about to
walk into church, and what doesthat behavior look like?
And you know, there was a pointwhere, you know, I would kind of
get the we've heard this before,mom.
So I would say, what's thelecture?
And then they would tell me, youknow, and they were telling me
verbatim, so I knew they'd heardit, but they were tired of
(27:03):
hearing it from me.
And so I would just say, Okay,what's the lecture?
And, you know, one or all threeof them would pop off and they'd
remember different points and itaccomplished the same goal, but
they, you know, they had morefun.
I used to also, you know, wehave never lived, quote unquote,
in town.
Like we have always lived atleast 30 to 45 miles away from
the nearest large town, which isAmarillo, which means when we go
(27:25):
to Amarillo, we always have alist of chores to accomplish,
right?
You have to go to Walmart, andmaybe you need to run by
Walgreens, and maybe you needto, you know, run another
errand.
There's just always a list.
And so, you know, I would havemy kids with me, and it really
drove my middle daughter crazy.
Well, where are we going next?
Well, what are we doing next?
And at first I thought, whatdoes it matter?
Like you're stuck riding in thecar with me.
(27:46):
We'll go have a snack later.
But, you know, but finally Irealized it's because she felt a
little out of control and alittle dysregulated because she
didn't know what was next.
And so finally it dawned on meto give her the list.
And I'd say, you're in charge ofthe list.
Where do you think we should gonext?
And so she would choose.
And sometimes I might say, nowthat's way across town.
(28:06):
Should we go there next orshould we go?
Like I might guide it a littlebit, but she had the list, she
was in charge, and she couldcheck it off as we go.
And that completely changed hermood and her experience of
running errands in Amarillo.
It really made things a loteasier for her.
SPEAKER_02 (28:22):
And I think front loading can also like small
moments throughout a gathering.
Hey, we're leaving in 10minutes.
Go ahead and start saying yourgoodbyes now.
SPEAKER_03 (28:29):
Yes.
I feel like the any time that wedid front loading or
pre-teaching, it was based offof the mistakes we had made
before or the things that we hadexperienced.
You said birthday parties, and II think about how difficult for
all my children birthday partiesare because they go there,
they're having fun, and thenthey watch another kid open
(28:50):
presents.
And for a two or three-year-old,that can be miserable.
SPEAKER_04 (28:54):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (28:54):
And my two younger ones did so much better than my
two older ones.
So I would always kind of goover the top with it.
Like, hey, when they openpresents, sit by daddy and we'll
we'll rock back and forth andwe'll sing a song.
Or just don't go over by wherethe presents are.
Um because it it I remember withwith both of them at one point,
(29:16):
it turned into one of thoseparent moments where you're
like, oh my gosh, everyone isgonna remember this for the next
20 years.
SPEAKER_01 (29:22):
One of my earliest memories is my fourth birthday
party.
And when it got time to open thepresents, and my mom said, Hey,
we're gonna open presents, allthe kids went and opened the
gift they brought.
Every I wish you could see,listeners, that everybody's
mouth flew open as I describedthat, as did mine when I was
four.
And I was so stunned, you know.
(29:42):
And so my mom and other momswere there, like, oh, you know,
and by then it's too late.
But there were little kids thathadn't been front loaded, they
didn't have a lot of experienceof going to other kids' birthday
parties at that point.
But yeah, front loading mighthave helped my fourth birthday
party go a little bit.
Better.
Yeah.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (30:01):
I think it's any time where you know you're gonna
be with people.
And and for moms, joyful and Ialways talk joyful, my wife and
I always talk about the mommyguild.
And there's this feeling thatmoms have where they're being
judged about everything they do.
Yeah.
Even when nobody really cares.
So I think that that's where alot of our front loading comes
from is that anxiety of who whatthing did my kid do last time
(30:24):
that I need to prepare for thistime?
SPEAKER_01 (30:27):
Exactly.
SPEAKER_04 (30:27):
Thank you so much for listening to us today.
Take our advice from today andadd our podcast to your weekly
schedule.
Make a ritual of telling yourfriends and families to listen.
Say yes to giving us a five-starreview and front load your
family members to have a greatpodcast that they'll listen to
as you eat together as a family.
As always, remember you mighthave to loan out your frontal
lips today.
Just make sure you remember andget them back.
SPEAKER_00 (30:49):
Thank you for listening to Brain Based
Parenting.
We hope you enjoyed this show.
If you would like moreinformation about Cal Farley's
Boys Ranch, are interested inemployment, would like
information about placing yourchild, or would like to help us
help children by donating to ourmission, please visit
calfarley.org.
You can find us on all socialmedia platforms by searching for
(31:12):
CalFarley's.
Thank you for spending your timewith us and have a blessed day.
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys
Ranch podcast for families.
We all know how hard being aparent is, and sometimes it
feels like there are no goodanswers to the difficult
questions families have whentheir kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be totry and answer some of those
tough questions utilizing theknowledge, experience, and
(00:21):
professional training CalFarley's Boys Ranch has to
offer.
Now here is your host, CalFarley Staff Development
Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.
SPEAKER_04 (00:30):
Hello and welcome back.
We've heard from many people whoare looking for quick practical
steps that they can take rightnow for both themselves and
their kids to regain a sense ofcontrol and create a safer,
calmer family life.
Today we're gonna share our topfive strategies to help you do
just that.
To do that, today I'm joined bySuzanne Wright.
SPEAKER_01 (00:47):
I oversee the counseling department and the
training department here at BoysRanch.
SPEAKER_02 (00:51):
Emily Tennyson, clinical intervention
specialist.
SPEAKER_03 (00:53):
Judah Brown, Campus Life Supervisor.
SPEAKER_04 (00:55):
All right, let's kick off with our question of
the day.
So what is your go-to activitythat you do every day to ensure
that you have a successful startto your day?
SPEAKER_01 (01:03):
I feel like my days are much more successful if I
remember to say a prayer eachmorning.
That if that's the first thing Ithink of, if I can follow
through on that and just ask forthe Lord to guide me through the
day, I have a much better day.
SPEAKER_02 (01:17):
I would have to say making my coffee ritual that I
have while listening to certainsongs on my music device,
including The Day by ForrestFrank.
SPEAKER_03 (01:26):
For mine, if I'm gonna have a successful day,
most of the time it's a run or awalk or something in the morning
that is some level of physicalactivity.
For me, it's coffee too.
SPEAKER_04 (01:36):
I mine's not elaborate or anything, it's just
the old school percolator andwhatever.
But I will not be successful ifI do not have my coffee in the
morning.
The first thing we think thatwill be helpful for families is
to create a reasonable anddoable schedule and routine.
So why is having a solid familyschedule and providing structure
and routine so important forfamilies to be successful?
SPEAKER_03 (01:56):
I think the important importance behind a
routine is everybody knowswhat's next.
Having kind of a guideline andknowing what's next, and then
everybody not being surprised,whether you have little ones or
older ones, if you can have aroutine, it kind of takes out of
the surprise of the day.
SPEAKER_01 (02:10):
It takes out a lot of effort for the day too.
If you have a routine andschedule that's fairly simple,
pretty consistent throughout theweek, it takes away a lot of the
decision fatigue that we gettrapped in when we're trying to
come up with what next.
SPEAKER_02 (02:24):
Kind of becomes muscle memory.
SPEAKER_04 (02:25):
Yes.
So how would you recommendstarting and implementing
structure and routine into yourhome if that hasn't been part of
your life going up to thispoint?
SPEAKER_02 (02:33):
I would say start small, maybe picking two to
three things that you canimplement throughout the day,
maybe something in the morning,something mid, and something in
the evening, kind of help createthat schedule and routine.
SPEAKER_01 (02:43):
I would definitely recommend that you bring your
kids into that schedule settingprocess.
And I think as you start tocreate a schedule, you may find
you have more routine than youthink you do.
But maybe it's just never beenwritten down.
But I think if you'll includethe kids, you'll get more buy-in
to that daily routine.
SPEAKER_03 (03:01):
Anytime we do like a schedule change or we talk about
something to our routine, we doa family meeting.
And the family meeting is alwayshelpful.
What do you think about writingit down?
SPEAKER_01 (03:20):
I mean, I'm a huge fan of writing it down.
I'm a list maker by nature.
And so for me to have a visualschedule that I can refer to,
maybe if it's even posted on thefridge where everybody has
access to it again, I'm muchmore likely to follow that.
If it's filed somewhere in myhead and I have to remember it,
chances are less likely thatI'll be successful following a
(03:42):
schedule.
I like to have a schedule on mycomputer and an actual in real
life schedule also.
SPEAKER_03 (03:48):
I think as a house parent, that was one thing that
we felt was really important.
And you'd be surprised theamount of kids that would go to
the schedule and see what wasnext on the schedule.
It was always helpful,especially our kids that would
be considered to be a little bitmore difficult.
They always really needed thatschedule and craved kind of the
structure and routine of it.
SPEAKER_01 (04:07):
It also helps decrease some of that, you know,
mom, mom, mom, mom.
What what's this?
Go look at the schedule.
It's on the schedule, right?
Until it, until it builds apathway in their brain.
SPEAKER_04 (04:16):
Just an extra tip.
If you laminate it, it justfeels more important and more
official.
SPEAKER_01 (04:20):
So all right.
SPEAKER_04 (04:22):
So many families already feel overbooked.
So how can they add morestructure without adding more
stress?
SPEAKER_01 (04:28):
I think actually the structure relieves the stress.
Again, because if it's likecreating that written schedule
gets it out of your brain andonto paper, and I think you're
less likely to double bookyourself if you can look and see
what is the what's on thecalendar or what, you know, what
do we have planned?
And especially if it's somethingthat repeats, you know, every
every Wednesday evening we havechurch, or every Saturday
(04:50):
morning we have breakfast withgrandma, or you know, but then
it's just there visually, and Ithink it kind of cuts some of
the mental load and the mentalclutter.
SPEAKER_04 (04:59):
So, what might be some common mistakes parents
make when trying to implementroutines and how would you
advise them to avoid them?
SPEAKER_03 (05:06):
I think one of the things we used to do is we would
sometimes add too much.
And I think the other piece isnot being willing to make
changes on your routine.
If you realize that something'snot working, being willing to
change it and be flexible andfluid and not throw it out
completely, but realize, like,oh, we just need to change the
way that we're doing this.
That's really great advice,Judah.
SPEAKER_02 (05:26):
I think even trying to change everything at once,
and that's going back to thestarting small and advice,
getting feedback from your kidson what to start to change
first.
SPEAKER_01 (05:36):
I think sometimes we and we've said this, but we
overschedule and we don't alwaysallow enough time for kids to
just have downtime or free timeand play outside without
necessarily being in an event.
And I think that that may beincluded in your schedule are
blocks of free time.
We're blocks of downtime.
SPEAKER_04 (05:55):
So, Judah, you kind of mentioned this.
How do you recommend balancingflexibility with consistency
when you're building your familyschedule?
SPEAKER_03 (06:02):
Well, I really like the idea of feedback and and
talking with the kids.
I think also getting an idea ofwhere people are are at, taking
your temperatures and takingeverybody's temperature of, hey,
is this too much?
Maybe we need to back off on onthis part of our routine.
And like I said, I think theidea of being flexible with your
routine and having and goingback to look at it and say,
(06:22):
okay, what what do we need tochange?
And having those family meetingsand conversations really help.
SPEAKER_04 (06:27):
I was wondering too about one of the hardest things
I've heard when you're firststarting a schedule is the kids
will maybe push up against itand not want to follow it and it
may just be really, really badat first.
Do you think it's how importantis it, do you think, to push
through that and keep going andstay consistent with your
schedule?
SPEAKER_01 (06:43):
I think that's critical.
I think it's our job to set therules and to set the boundaries,
and it's a kid's job to pushagainst those boundaries.
So just like with anything newin your home, whether it's a
schedule or a new rule, a newroutine, you know, you've made
that decision, you've you'vegotten their input.
Now it's the adult's job to holdthe line.
SPEAKER_04 (07:02):
And it might get harder before it gets easier,
right?
SPEAKER_01 (07:04):
Sometimes it does.
SPEAKER_02 (07:05):
And Suzanne, just like you said earlier,
eventually it'll build the newpathways in their brain.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (07:09):
I think having rationales behind it really
helps too.
Not a back and forth argument towhere you're getting into
content and explaining andfeeling like you have to reason
and go back and forth, the kid,but being able to say, hey, this
is the reason why we're doingthis.
It's it's to help me, but alsoto help you as you get older to
create some level ofconsistency.
My dad is a type A personality,and he was in the military
(07:32):
before I was born.
And one of the things that hewas really big on my whole
raising was going through myroom and making sure my bed was
made, was the most importantthing for him.
My bed was not made.
It was always a discussion oflike, hey, why do I want you to
make your bed?
And I never had a really goodanswer.
You know, like I don't know.
And he'd say, Because if I canget you to make your bed in the
(07:54):
morning, then I can get you toput your shoes where they're
supposed to be.
Then we can work on making sureyour closet and your clothes are
picked up.
So it was like little by littlewhat Emily was talking about.
If we can work on little thingslike making beds and making sure
that routine is there, it'sreally helpful.
SPEAKER_01 (08:09):
So the question becomes Judah, is your bed made?
Actually, it is.
So and Judah, did you make thatbed?
SPEAKER_03 (08:17):
I did.
So here's here's the other sideon this.
For me, because he said that inmy life, there are two things.
Making a bed and my counterspace in my kitchen.
If I've got stuff on thecounters, I feel like my life is
cluttered.
And if my bed isn't made, Idon't have a good day for
whatever reason.
And he set that very young in mylife.
(08:37):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_04 (08:38):
All right.
The next practical step we wantto suggest is to make daily
rituals.
So what are daily rituals andhow do daily rituals differ from
the routines and why are bothimportant?
SPEAKER_01 (08:47):
I think a daily ritual is just something that
you do as a family, or maybe itmay be different.
You do different rituals withdifferent children in your
family, but they're just littletouchstones through the day to
connect you to your children.
So it might be that everymorning as you wake your kids
up, you have a catchphrase thatyou say.
(09:08):
Or, you know, maybe you you makeyour child's lunch and you put a
little note in that lunch.
Or, you know, maybe on the wayout the door in the morning
there's something, you know, youhave a catchphrase or something
you always say, but it just itbuilds those bonds between each
family member.
And it's just a special tinylittle moment that really
doesn't take much effort ortime.
SPEAKER_04 (09:28):
So what are some other simple low-cost rituals
that can make a big differencein a family connection?
SPEAKER_02 (09:34):
I think a fun pump up song on the way to school
could be one.
SPEAKER_01 (09:37):
We had just a short little prayer that someone had
given us in a frame at somepoint and it hung by our front
door.
And so every morning before weall left to go to school and
work, we would say that littleprayer together.
It was really short, but it wasjust seemed like an important
connection each morning beforewe walked out the door.
SPEAKER_04 (09:54):
So mine was every morning when I had dropped my
youngest daughter off atdaycare, we'd have a race to the
front door, and she always beatme.
And it was just one of those funthings we did every morning from
when she could walk all the wayto her last day of daycare.
SPEAKER_01 (10:07):
You and we've talked about this on this podcast
before, but you have anotherevening ritual with your girls,
don't you?
SPEAKER_04 (10:13):
Yep.
We read a bedtime story everynight.
It was one of those things westarted like in late elementary,
early middle school, and Ididn't think it would last.
And they're going, getting readyto go to college like in two
weeks.
And I'm not sure if we're gonnakeep it going, if we're gonna do
a voice zoom call or somethinglike that.
But yeah, that's they they don'tgo to bed unless they have their
nighttime story.
SPEAKER_02 (10:32):
I think some other ones could be sharing your daily
high or daily low.
Even weekly ones could be fun,like chocolate milk Monday or
ice cream Sunday Sundays.
Those can just be small momentsof connection.
I know that's a little bit morethan maybe 60 seconds, but it
could still have some of thatroutine and schedule.
SPEAKER_01 (10:47):
I want to come live at your house, Emily.
I want I want ice cream andchocolate milk.
SPEAKER_03 (10:53):
That does sound good.
Ritual is a part of what I loveto do.
I like to create rituals orroutines, or not routines, but
things that I do for myself.
Like on Fridays, I wear aHawaiian shirt.
I do things like that with mykiddos too.
Jonas does a lot of fun things,but I I do feel like reading
stories with him at night is abig deal.
The one root the one ritual he'sgot going on now is we lay down
(11:16):
with him and he's three yearsold, and every night before
bedtime, I say, Hey, go giveyour mom all of her hugs and
kisses.
And he says, Okay, and then wego lay down, and then of course
he says, Hey, I gotta give herone more hug.
And we it's the one more hugroutine.
And I love that because it'slike I look like I am annoyed
with it.
Oh, do you really have to?
(11:37):
But I really love it becauseit's his way of like showing his
mommy how much he loves her, youknow.
And so, and we know what's gonnahappen every night, too.
SPEAKER_04 (11:45):
So, how do these rituals create a culture, a
positive culture in your home?
What about them kind of fostersthat connection, do you think?
SPEAKER_01 (11:52):
I mean, I think they're they're based on things
that are personal to yourfamily, right?
Little maybe little inside jokesor little inside connections.
It makes your child feel specialand and connected to you.
And sometimes they have adifferent ritual with their mom
than their dad.
I'm guessing April did not alsorace Abby to the daycare door,
right?
(12:12):
But what a cool thing that sheremembers, you know, having
having with her dad.
And I think it it adds tobelonging.
You know, kids feel connected,they feel attached, they have
belonging.
SPEAKER_04 (12:23):
Yeah, I think about when I talk with my brothers
about our childhood and we'rereminiscing about the good old
days and all that, that's all wetalk about is the daily rituals.
And I think that's the part thatkind of makes our childhood
special and fun.
SPEAKER_03 (12:35):
I feel like one thing, and Emily kind of hit it,
that we haven't connected asmuch is how we connect food with
rituals too.
Because there are kids that mywife and I raised as house
parents that we'll still calland ask, like, hey, how did you
do this or how did you makethis?
What was the recipe?
Yes, yeah.
And and one of just recently Ihad a girl reach out to me and
(12:55):
she said, Hey, how did you makehot cocoa?
And uh I said, lots and lots andlots of sugar.
And she was like, Oh, that makessense why I loved it so much.
SPEAKER_01 (13:05):
Yeah, four times as much sugar into a thing.
SPEAKER_03 (13:08):
Exactly.
Like I put two cups into she'slike, oh my goodness, I'm
surprised I haven't haddiabetes.
It's like but I do feel likewhen we add food to those
rituals or or what we're doingand how we do meals together is
such an important thing.
Josh, I remember you doing atraining once where you were
talking about how importantmeals were to a family.
(13:29):
It's really one of our biggestthings as a family is to try to
sit down together, no matter howbusy it is, even if it's five
minutes, especially with my16-year-old daughter who wants
to just scarf down her meal.
And then my little ones whocan't sit still and want to run
around the table.
I think the importance ofsitting down and trying to have
some level of, hey, this is animportant part of our routine.
(13:50):
What do you guys like about ourmeals?
And talking about that is justimportant too.
SPEAKER_04 (13:54):
So, Judah, that's actually a perfect segue to
number three in our list ofsuggestions is increasing the
number of family meals we havetogether.
So, what does research tell usabout the benefits of regular
family meals?
SPEAKER_01 (14:06):
So I did look that up.
Research shows that having mealstogether creates stronger family
bonds.
It improves communicationbetween family members, and it
also promotes healthier eatinghabits for both the kids and the
adult.
SPEAKER_04 (14:19):
So, what are some realistic strategies that
families can do with theirhectic schedules to share more
meals together?
SPEAKER_01 (14:26):
I think it's important to be creative and
understand that doesn't alwaysmean dinner.
I think evenings are some of ourbusiest times, especially when
we have kids involved in sportsor other extracurricular
activities, and that mealtogether may be a breakfast, or
maybe it's brunch every Saturdaymorning or it lunch after church
(14:46):
on Sundays, you know, but thatwe don't get stuck into thinking
dinner's the only time thatworks for that connected time.
SPEAKER_02 (14:53):
Absolutely.
That's what we we did.
We were so busy growing up.
It was breakfast.
For us, we always had breakfasttogether, or even planning two
to three days that will be themealtimes together versus trying
to focus on seven days a week,that can also feel overwhelming.
SPEAKER_04 (15:07):
I think that's one of the best things to start out
with, too, is not think you haveto do three meals a day, seven
days a week, especially ifyou're starting out, that may
feel overwhelming.
But if you just yeah, pick twoor three days and start there,
and then you can always expandand build on that.
How can families make mealtime amore positive experience, even
if the kids aren't reallythrilled about being there?
SPEAKER_02 (15:25):
Maybe let the kids pick the menu or know ahead that
you're gonna keep theconversation light and try not
to discuss any stressors of theday.
SPEAKER_01 (15:33):
You mentioned earlier sharing highs and lows.
And sometimes that's a greatopportunity when you're all
seated together at the table.
Everybody shared what went welltoday and then what was the
struggle for me today.
SPEAKER_04 (15:44):
We always had music playing in the background to let
the kids pick like something onstreaming, what uh genre music
they wanted to listen to, andthat kind of helped a little bit
too.
SPEAKER_03 (15:53):
I feel like just breathe and know that it's not
gonna be perfect.
I think the things that Iremember the most with meals are
my wife's family, and she hadshe comes from a big family.
I come from a small family.
We sit together, especially whenI was first a part of their
family.
It was chaotic.
It was wild, it was chaotic, andit was loud.
(16:13):
And from being from a smallfamily, it was quiet at our
dinner table.
So, like for me, it was it was alittle bit crazy to see how
chaotic it was, but it was a lotmore enjoyable.
Just the memories that werecreated and the jokes and the
fun that was there, and itwasn't prim and proper.
And I think knowing that mealswill sometimes be a little
(16:34):
chaotic, but enjoying that chaosthat's there.
SPEAKER_01 (16:37):
And adults, you set the example.
So you leave your phone inanother room, you know.
I mean, you you set thatlighthearted mood, you know, you
you bring some levity and Josh,you would be really great at
having a dad joke at every meal.
I mean, you know, but but doingsomething like that that again
makes the kids want to be there.
(16:57):
Emily mentioned this is not atime where we go over, I got a
call from your teacher today andyou're in trouble.
You know, that that's not a timefor it.
This is another to strengthenthose bonds and those
relationships.
SPEAKER_04 (17:08):
So the fourth strategy we suggest is saying
yes, being more thoughtful aboutyeses and no's.
Why do you think many parentsdefault to saying no so quickly
and what can help shift thismindset?
SPEAKER_01 (17:19):
I think when my kids were little, I defaulted to no
just because whatever they wereasking for was one more thing.
You know, I'm like I'm alreadytired and there's already been a
lot of stuff going on today, andI still have a list of goals to
accomplish and here there, it'sone more ask.
It's it seemed like it was onemore task to add to my to-do
list.
And so I frequently heard a nojust roll off my tongue before I
(17:41):
had even really processed whatthey were asking for.
And it was an that's a negativehabit to get into.
As far as helping shift thatmindset, I think it's important
to just become self-aware ifthat's if you've fallen into
that trap.
I think that's an easy trap tofall into, and you have to just
start paying attention, youknow, and start catching
yourself.
(18:01):
And so if you, you know,self-awareness is the first step
in being able to shift that.
SPEAKER_03 (18:06):
No's are easy.
Yeah, that's the the easy answerfor me.
When I first became a houseparent, I remember at one place
I worked.
No was what we were taught, waslike the default at first.
And I worked at another place,and then their response was
there was like a ratio to no'sto yeses.
So they were like, hey, forevery one no, you should have
(18:26):
two yeses to kind of get you outof the mindset of giving no's
all the time.
So it's like, okay, I've used myone no, now I've got to try to
use two yeses on something easy.
So you're a little bit morecareful with your your no's and
yeses too, where you're beingmore thoughtful about, okay, I'm
about to give a no.
Does this really need to be ano?
Or is this something that isgonna be easier for me?
(18:48):
Is this gonna be somethingthat's gonna be helpful for the
kid in the long run?
Because I think that's why we doit.
It's easy.
It's easy to say no, it's easyto shut it down early.
Yeses can sometimes be a itmight be a little bit wilder, it
can be a little bit more fun,and it allows a kid a little bit
more of this idea that, hey, mymom and dad aren't always gonna
say no to me.
SPEAKER_04 (19:08):
So thinking about being more thoughtful and
mindful of what our yeses andno's, how does modeling the
principle of letting your yesmean yes and your no mean no
help build trust and respectwithin your family?
SPEAKER_01 (19:18):
You know, sometimes as parents, when that no no
comes first, we get resistancefrom the kids and then that
leads to begging and leads towhining.
And eventually sometimes we givein.
And what does that teach yourkids, right?
It teaches them that whiningwins and persistence pays off.
And that's not really what wewant to teach, but we do that.
We do that a lot.
(19:39):
And so if we've been thoughtfulabout that yes or that no to
begin with and give in the yeseswhenever possible, I think
you're gonna see a lot lessresistance.
And I think they're gonnaunderstand that when you do say
no, there's a reason behindthat.
You know, if you've if youconstantly say no and later give
in to yes, you've you've taughtthem to beg for a yes.
SPEAKER_04 (20:00):
So, how can parents be intentional about their yeses
without feeling like they'relosing control?
SPEAKER_03 (20:05):
I think what I said earlier, having a ratio, a yes
to no ratio can help you alittle bit with that.
I think also realizing that ayes doesn't mean that you're
gonna have complete chaos.
Be trusting with your kids onthings, know that they're gonna
that you've, especially ifthey're older and they're to
that teenage stage, that theycan make some decisions and
we've got to allow them to makedecisions to do things that
(20:26):
might not always be the easiest.
SPEAKER_01 (20:28):
I think you have to consider too, what's your
long-term goal?
If your long-term goal is toprovide external control where
you're always in charge of yourkids, they're gonna have a
really difficult timetransitioning to adulthood and
independence, right?
But if your goal is to provideexternal control until they
develop some internalself-control, that's what you
want as they leave your care andmove into adulthood.
(20:51):
And so if I'm feeling like Ihave to control every little
thing, I probably need tore-evaluate some of my parenting
approach, right?
Because, you know, you're notgonna always be in control.
And there needs to be a gradualtransition.
If you, if you externallycontrol your kids until they
have freedom, then Judas saidthen then there's chaos and then
they go wild, right?
(21:12):
And so you want to start thatproviding them with internal
self-control as soon as that'sage appropriate, and then let
them develop that.
And some of that is abouttrusting them enough to give a
yes.
SPEAKER_02 (21:23):
And could that also be could that also look like
providing a yes with clearexpectations based on their
developmental age?
SPEAKER_01 (21:30):
I agree.
I think that's wonderful.
Provide that yes, and then youhave a conversation about what
would that look like.
SPEAKER_03 (21:36):
This is a little bit of a rabbit trail.
As you were talking, I wasthinking about with my
16-year-old daughter, I didn'treally have as many issues with
my oldest son.
He like we told him something,he went with it, he that's just
how he was.
With my daughter, she kickedback a little bit more, which is
kind of how I'm wired.
And so what ended up happeningwas, especially when she got old
(21:58):
enough to get a phone, we wouldalways get to this point where
anything was like loss of yourphone.
And I weirdly got to a pointwhere everything was hand over
your phone.
And it was like a little bit ofattitude, hand over your phone,
got to this default setting.
And it was almost like with myno's and my yeses, where it was
like hand it over.
And we had this conversationwhere I asked her, I said, Hey,
(22:19):
I'm obviously making you upsetevery time I talk to you.
I feel like when I say anything,you just want to like yell and
get mad at me, or walk off andslam your door, and like we're
just having struggles.
What I need to do differentlynow.
This took nearly a year of usbunting heads.
She told me, she said, You takemy phone all the time.
(22:41):
And I said, Okay, so if I juststopped taking your phone and if
we can figure out somethingelse, would that help our
relationship?
And she said, Yes.
We we decided from that point onI wasn't gonna touch the phone.
When we did consequences or whenwe had conversations, that was
that was the one area or the onething I was not gonna do.
(23:01):
And it was a surprise how ourrelationship almost changed
overnight.
Wow, it was the conversation,but man, I have to do things
dumb for a while before it takesa little bit.
But I think what was helpful forher for me a little bit was the
realization that that phone wassuch a connection to her
(23:21):
friends, which I never had anddidn't understand.
So once we got there, it waslike, oh, I need to recognize
that this is important.
And I know it's it's a littlebit of a sidetrack, but I feel
like with yeses and no's, I hadthat same moment of clarity a
little bit with kids I workedwith where I was the no parent
and I just gave a lot of no's.
(23:42):
And I had a supervisor that madethe comment and the connection
of like, hey, why don't you trya no every now or a yes every
now and then instead of a no.
And it was interesting to seehow my relationships with those
kids changed overnight just byallowing a a little bit more of
flexibility or even justlistening to them.
SPEAKER_04 (24:01):
I think an interesting part of this too is
you don't have to say yes and noright away.
I think we rush into our weeither automatically say yes or
automatically say no and wedon't have time to think about
it.
We're actually in charge and wecan say, Let me think about that
for a little bit and then giveyour yes or no.
SPEAKER_01 (24:16):
When my oldest daughter was about five, if I
said no, she would say later.
She she always countered that.
No, the answer was later.
Right.
She was encouraging me, hey, whydon't you think about that
before you just automaticallygive a no?
SPEAKER_04 (24:30):
All right, our last fifth and last strategy is front
loading.
So for those of you who haven'theard the term before, what does
front loading mean in theparental context and why is it
such a powerful parenting tool?
SPEAKER_02 (24:42):
It's preparing your kids in advance for what's
coming so they know the plan,the expectations, and possibly
any changes beforehand.
SPEAKER_03 (24:50):
At one place I worked at, they would say
pre-teaching.
SPEAKER_02 (24:53):
Oh, that's a good phrase too.
SPEAKER_03 (24:54):
Yeah, because pre-teaching is a helpful one.
And that was the first bit ofadvice I got from somebody when
my wife and I were becominghouse parents, is they said
pre-teach, preteach, pre-teach.
So it's like your goal is tofigure out what's gonna happen
and front load to that orpre-teach to whatever whatever
could go wrong or whatever theexpectations might be, so the
(25:16):
kids can be prepared for that.
SPEAKER_04 (25:17):
So why is it such a powerful tool then?
Why why do we utilize frontloading so much here at the
ranch?
SPEAKER_01 (25:23):
I think it reduces stress, right?
I think if if kids know what toanticipate, they can mentally
prepare for that and theyrespond better than if they're
caught off guard or they'resurprised, right?
So if if, for example, if weknow there's gonna be a change
in staffing and that tomorrowdifferent people would be on
duty in their home, we tell thekids in advance because that way
(25:45):
they can mentally prepare for itrather than wake up and somebody
unexpected is covering theirhome.
So I just think it gives theirtheir brains opportunity to
think about it, to prepare forit, and it reduces it reduces
anxiety.
SPEAKER_04 (25:58):
So, what might be some real world examples of how
front loading can preventmeltdowns and other conflicts?
SPEAKER_03 (26:03):
I think before you go somewhere, if you're gonna go
somewhere or if you're going totake your kids into a store,
letting them know even beforeyou leave the house what that's
gonna look like, um, how longit's gonna take, what you might
be getting, kind of theexpectations of of what you
expect from them when you go,and maybe some positive rewards
if you can get through it, um,can be really helpful as well.
SPEAKER_02 (26:24):
This might be a rabbit trail, but to tag off of
that, if there is some anxietyabout going off into stores
while you're front loading,maybe giving a kid a job.
Hey, you keep your eye out forthe corn.
You keep your eye out for thetortillas and help get some
buying in that.
SPEAKER_03 (26:39):
You push the cart.
SPEAKER_01 (26:41):
I used to always give my kids a little lecture,
like if if they were going toplay at a friend's house or we
were going to a birthday party,or even, okay, we're about to
walk into church, and what doesthat behavior look like?
And you know, there was a pointwhere, you know, I would kind of
get the we've heard this before,mom.
So I would say, what's thelecture?
And then they would tell me, youknow, and they were telling me
verbatim, so I knew they'd heardit, but they were tired of
(27:03):
hearing it from me.
And so I would just say, Okay,what's the lecture?
And, you know, one or all threeof them would pop off and they'd
remember different points and itaccomplished the same goal, but
they, you know, they had morefun.
I used to also, you know, wehave never lived, quote unquote,
in town.
Like we have always lived atleast 30 to 45 miles away from
the nearest large town, which isAmarillo, which means when we go
(27:25):
to Amarillo, we always have alist of chores to accomplish,
right?
You have to go to Walmart, andmaybe you need to run by
Walgreens, and maybe you needto, you know, run another
errand.
There's just always a list.
And so, you know, I would havemy kids with me, and it really
drove my middle daughter crazy.
Well, where are we going next?
Well, what are we doing next?
And at first I thought, whatdoes it matter?
Like you're stuck riding in thecar with me.
(27:46):
We'll go have a snack later.
But, you know, but finally Irealized it's because she felt a
little out of control and alittle dysregulated because she
didn't know what was next.
And so finally it dawned on meto give her the list.
And I'd say, you're in charge ofthe list.
Where do you think we should gonext?
And so she would choose.
And sometimes I might say, nowthat's way across town.
(28:06):
Should we go there next orshould we go?
Like I might guide it a littlebit, but she had the list, she
was in charge, and she couldcheck it off as we go.
And that completely changed hermood and her experience of
running errands in Amarillo.
It really made things a loteasier for her.
SPEAKER_02 (28:22):
And I think front loading can also like small
moments throughout a gathering.
Hey, we're leaving in 10minutes.
Go ahead and start saying yourgoodbyes now.
SPEAKER_03 (28:29):
Yes.
I feel like the any time that wedid front loading or
pre-teaching, it was based offof the mistakes we had made
before or the things that we hadexperienced.
You said birthday parties, and II think about how difficult for
all my children birthday partiesare because they go there,
they're having fun, and thenthey watch another kid open
(28:50):
presents.
And for a two or three-year-old,that can be miserable.
SPEAKER_04 (28:54):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (28:54):
And my two younger ones did so much better than my
two older ones.
So I would always kind of goover the top with it.
Like, hey, when they openpresents, sit by daddy and we'll
we'll rock back and forth andwe'll sing a song.
Or just don't go over by wherethe presents are.
Um because it it I remember withwith both of them at one point,
(29:16):
it turned into one of thoseparent moments where you're
like, oh my gosh, everyone isgonna remember this for the next
20 years.
SPEAKER_01 (29:22):
One of my earliest memories is my fourth birthday
party.
And when it got time to open thepresents, and my mom said, Hey,
we're gonna open presents, allthe kids went and opened the
gift they brought.
Every I wish you could see,listeners, that everybody's
mouth flew open as I describedthat, as did mine when I was
four.
And I was so stunned, you know.
(29:42):
And so my mom and other momswere there, like, oh, you know,
and by then it's too late.
But there were little kids thathadn't been front loaded, they
didn't have a lot of experienceof going to other kids' birthday
parties at that point.
But yeah, front loading mighthave helped my fourth birthday
party go a little bit.
Better.
Yeah.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (30:01):
I think it's any time where you know you're gonna
be with people.
And and for moms, joyful and Ialways talk joyful, my wife and
I always talk about the mommyguild.
And there's this feeling thatmoms have where they're being
judged about everything they do.
Yeah.
Even when nobody really cares.
So I think that that's where alot of our front loading comes
from is that anxiety of who whatthing did my kid do last time
(30:24):
that I need to prepare for thistime?
SPEAKER_01 (30:27):
Exactly.
SPEAKER_04 (30:27):
Thank you so much for listening to us today.
Take our advice from today andadd our podcast to your weekly
schedule.
Make a ritual of telling yourfriends and families to listen.
Say yes to giving us a five-starreview and front load your
family members to have a greatpodcast that they'll listen to
as you eat together as a family.
As always, remember you mighthave to loan out your frontal
lips today.
Just make sure you remember andget them back.
SPEAKER_00 (30:49):
Thank you for listening to Brain Based
Parenting.
We hope you enjoyed this show.
If you would like moreinformation about Cal Farley's
Boys Ranch, are interested inemployment, would like
information about placing yourchild, or would like to help us
help children by donating to ourmission, please visit
calfarley.org.
You can find us on all socialmedia platforms by searching for
(31:12):
CalFarley's.
Thank you for spending your timewith us and have a blessed day.
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