November 24, 2025 • 24 mins
Hard talks don’t have to feel like walking into a storm. Today we will unpack how parents can build trust early, stay steady under pressure, and guide kids through topics like death, sex, bullying, and mental health without shutting them down. The focus is simple and powerful: start small, stay honest, and keep connection at the center.
We dig into the conversations many families avoid and the hidden costs of silence, then offer practical steps you can use today. You’ll hear how short, non-threatening check-ins teach kids that you’re safe to approach, why timing and regulation matter, and how tone and body language can either invite openness or trigger defense. We share scripts you can adapt, like asking permission to talk, naming your emotions without oversharing, and using “I don’t know—let’s find out together” to move from authority to ally. You’ll also learn the difference between a lecture that lands with a thud and a dialogue that actually changes behavior.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys
Ranch podcast for families.
We all know how hard being aparent is, and sometimes it
feels like there are no goodanswers to the difficult
questions families have whentheir kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be totry and answer some of those
tough questions, utilizing theknowledge, experience, and
(00:21):
professional training CalFarley's Boys Ranch has to
offer.
Now here is your host, CalFarley Staff Development
Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.
SPEAKER_01 (00:30):
Hello and welcome.
Today we're going to talk aboutthe importance of having hard
conversations with our kids.
To do that, today I'm joined byTaylor Halsey, Casework
Supervisor.
SPEAKER_04 (00:38):
Talita Jackson, casework supervisor.
Julie Ortega, direct care stafftrainer.
SPEAKER_01 (00:42):
All right, let's jump in with our question of the
day.
Since we're talking about hardconversations today, I thought
I'd ask you what is the easiestthing for you to talk about?
SPEAKER_06 (00:50):
I couldn't think of the thing that's easiest for me
to talk about, but I I thinkit's to p who and not what.
Depends on who I'm talking to.
If I'm talking to people I feelcomfortable with, I'm more of
kind of an introvert, so I tendto stay quiet.
But if I'm around people I'mcomfortable with, then I can
talk about whatever.
SPEAKER_03 (01:04):
I when I first read this question, I was thinking
myself.
Why would I not want to talkabout the most easiest
conversation to have is aboutmyself because I know everything
about myself.
SPEAKER_04 (01:16):
So I think for me it's my kids.
I have some pretty cool kids,and they've now both married
pretty cool people.
So I like to talk about my kids.
SPEAKER_01 (01:25):
So we're going to talk about having hard
conversations today, which areimportant to have.
So why is it important forparents to have difficult or
uncomfortable conversations withtheir kids, even at a young age?
SPEAKER_06 (01:34):
Well, I think one, it teaches them how to have hard
conversations.
And if you're setting the stageat a young age of, hey, this is
something in our family, we talkabout things, then when it
there's more high-stakesconversations, it's easier to s
have them because at thebeginning you are always open
and honest.
And I think it's just helpingkids understand the world and
understand, you know, hey, inour family, we this is kind of
(01:56):
how we view things, and you mayhave other views, but this is it
helps them have a template andyou can teach them, you know,
where you're coming from,whether it's just your morals or
if you're looking at aperspective religiously or
whatever it is, it helps kind ofguide them in that direction.
SPEAKER_03 (02:10):
I agree with Taylor.
We can't avoid it.
Like you you're gonna havedifficult conversations and
let's start practicing at young,a young age of what that looks
like because as we get older andyou start having those difficult
conversations, the kids may belike, Whoa, what's going on?
But we have a lot of practice.
You have a practice as kids toreceive difficult information
(02:30):
and also as parents having thosehard conversations because
there's no book to tell you howto have difficult or
uncomfortable conversations withyour kids and you're just
winging it.
SPEAKER_04 (02:42):
I agree.
It just you have to start havingthem early so it becomes normal.
It's normalized to have hardconversations then and then it's
not a scary thing that you wantto try to avoid if you've just
made it a normal part of your umfamily environment.
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (02:56):
Yeah, I often think that they're gonna talk to
someone about it, and you'drather get the information from
you as the adult.
Because they're I mean, it youdon't you don't want them to go
to the wrong person to get thewrong information, and as the
parent, you're the right person.
So starting early is alwaysgood.
So, what kind of topics doparents tend to avoid?
And what are some of theemotional, relational, or
spiritual risks of avoidingthem?
SPEAKER_03 (03:16):
So when I first read this question, I kind of just
automatically went to sex.
Those are hard conversationsthat parents no one wants to
have those conversations.
But the more I thought about itand just kind of having some
experiences with my own kids,he'll probably kill me.
But even like last night, wePaul was upset.
And so when you have to talk toyour kids about belonging and
(03:38):
they're upset and they're hurtand they're sad, that is really,
really a hard conversation tohave as a parent, I think.
Because you always want yourchild to belong.
You want them to have friends,you want, you know, whatever's
going on, you want them to havethat relationship piece and feel
safe and belong somewhere.
And when they come to you andthey are sharing with you, they
don't feel like they havebelonging.
Your mama heart hurts.
(03:59):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 (03:59):
Well, I think it kind of depends on what was
maybe like a taboo topic in yourfamily.
So if hey, we don't talk aboutthat and that could be your
emotions or whatever, thenbringing it up to kids is like
very uncomfortable because youwere never taught how to have
those conversations.
And so then you're dysregulatedbecause this is uncomfortable
for you and they're upset forwhatever it is and can feel
(04:20):
that.
So I think there's if it's hardfor you, the kids will know
that.
SPEAKER_04 (04:23):
I think that one of the hardest things for me was
when I would have to shareinformation with my kids and not
really it not really be a just atopic of discussion or something
that was what they needed totalk about, but maybe sharing
information and there wasn't asolution.
Like I have to give you thisinformation, but there's not
really anything we can do aboutit.
Those were the hardest topicsfor me.
SPEAKER_01 (04:44):
Yeah, that's what I was thinking too, is sometimes
we don't have the answers.
And it can be kind ofintimidating to think that we as
the adults are the ones that aresupposed to be the ones that
have all the answers, and thenthe kids ask us questions or we
have information to share, andwe just don't have anything, or
we feel like we don't haveanything that can be helpful.
So, how can small,non-threatening conversations
early on in life build the trustneeded for bigger, more
(05:06):
sensitive conversations lateron?
SPEAKER_06 (05:08):
I think it sets the template of, hey, you we may
have things that can beupsetting for you, for me,
whatever it is, but we're gonnago ahead and talk it and talk
about it, you know, nobody'sgonna get upset.
You know, we can take breaks.
It prepares you to know whatthat's gonna look like.
SPEAKER_01 (05:23):
Along those lines, how can consistent openness,
even in small things, lay thegroundwork for kids to come to
their parents with bigger,harder issues?
SPEAKER_03 (05:30):
I think it lays the groundwork for trust and feel
and some safety there.
Like I can come to my parents.
The the one people I should beable to come to with anything I
have, small or big, if I cantrust them with the small
things.
When the big things happen, Iknow I have my my people and I
can go to them and say, okay,this is what's going on.
(05:51):
I feel safe with them, I canshare with them, and we're gonna
work through whatever theproblem may be together.
SPEAKER_04 (05:57):
I think that's so important too to start early and
just so you're always creatingand maintaining a consistent,
safe space for kids to feelsafe, trusting to have those
conversations.
SPEAKER_06 (06:09):
Well, and I think the openness on the both sides,
not just for expecting kids tobe open, but in age-appropriate
ways address coming and saying,Hey, this is this is what I
know, and not trying to hidethings from them.
And so they are, you know,you're modeling that of like,
hey, I'm gonna be open with youso you can be open with me.
SPEAKER_01 (06:26):
Which leads perfect to the next question.
So, how can having honest,difficult conversations,
especially when the parents arevulnerable, strengthen trust and
connection with the child?
SPEAKER_03 (06:34):
I think the answer is in the question, just being
honest.
I mean, because as you mentionedearlier, even as adults, we
don't have all the answers toeverything.
And I think just being honestwith, hey, let's try to work
through this together.
SPEAKER_06 (06:48):
It was something I had to learn that sometimes you
have to tell kids like, hey,that hurts my feelings, or like,
hey, I'm not okay right now.
And you know, you don't have totell them every everything
that's happening, but kids canpick up on things.
And so just sharing that of,hey, yeah, this is how I'm
feeling.
And again, like I said before,just modeling that of if you
show them it's okay to do thosethings, they're gonna feel more
(07:09):
like they can also do them.
SPEAKER_01 (07:10):
Yeah, I think I heard someone once say that a
good risk person doesn't sellsomething they're not willing to
buy.
We as the adults sometimes haveto set the set the framework of
how things are gonna go.
We we share first, we'revulnerable first, create that
safe environment where the kidrealizes, okay, it is this is a
safe environment if they'rewilling to open up and be
vulnerable too.
But that's not always easy, isit?
SPEAKER_03 (07:29):
No, no, not at all.
SPEAKER_01 (07:31):
So, what are some practical steps for parents that
they can take to prepare for ahard conversation with their
child?
SPEAKER_06 (07:36):
I mean, I think you have to be regulated or at least
regulated enough, having atleast some kind of grasp on the
situation.
I know sometimes we may notunderstand things, but at least
you know you're not just goingin giving this little bit of
information and you're feelingchaotic and then you bring them
into your chaos of you knowtrying to process it yourself
before you bring the kid in.
SPEAKER_04 (07:56):
I think too, you have to be willing to stop if
you need to stop, take a break,come back to it.
Like it might have to besomething that you do in chunks,
it might not be something youcan do all at once, and you have
to be willing to do that.
SPEAKER_06 (08:09):
That's a right.
I agree.
Well, and setting thatexpectation early of like, hey,
this is a hard conversation.
If you need a break, if I need abreak, we may have to take a
minute and come back in a weekor in a couple of days, whatever
it is.
SPEAKER_03 (08:21):
Or even just being honest with the child of like,
hey, I may not be the rightperson.
And so that may mean you have togo to someone else to have that
conversation because I may notbe the right person to have that
knowledge to be able to give youthe right information or the
information.
SPEAKER_01 (08:35):
I think doing your homework is also important too.
If you know you're about readyto have a tough conversation
with a kid and you may not knowall the details about whatever
subject that is.
So go talk to a friend, acounselor, something someone who
may have some broaderinformation on the topic.
Or Lita, like you said, I lovethe idea of bringing someone
else in and um kind of talkingto another person ahead of time
and seeing if you can get thatset up and just set yourself up
(08:57):
for success.
SPEAKER_03 (08:58):
Because I think sometimes, as we mentioned, we
don't have the answers toeverything.
And so if you just as anexample, like if you have a
child that maybe question God orspirituality or something like
that, maybe bringing your pastorin or someone that has a little
bit more knowledge to be able tohelp that child have some
understanding or maybe get theright answer so they can make an
informed decision, it's okay todo that.
SPEAKER_01 (09:17):
It's so powerful too.
I think that we're not gonnahave all the answers all the
time.
The ability to say, I don'tknow, but let's go find out
together.
Instead of just shrugging yourshoulders and saying, uh, I
don't know.
And then the kid doesn't reallyfeel like they can trust you in
the future too.
SPEAKER_04 (09:32):
I think timing is important too.
Like you don't want to just gothrough something difficult,
like maybe they failed a test atschool and they're not in the
best of mood, and then you hitthem with a hard conversation or
they just lost the footballgame, or I think timing's
important too, and we have to besensitive to them being ready to
have that conversation and makesure that the timing is right.
SPEAKER_01 (09:52):
So, how can parents approach tough topics like
death, sex, bullying, or mentalhealth in a way that's both age
appropriate and non-threatening?
SPEAKER_06 (10:00):
I mean, I think for the a lot of it is what we've
talked about already is be obeing open and honest and
preparing them of hey, this isgonna be a hard conversation.
I think the tricky part of theconversation is the age
appropriate because and youknow, a three-year-old's ability
to comprehend death is gonna bevery different than a
13-year-old trying to help themunderstand.
(10:20):
You know, you don't want toscare somebody.
And so I think that is hard.
And I also think it depends, youknow, not every kid is the same
emotional maturity at 13.
And so understanding where yourkid is at and not it's it's not
a cookie-cutter answer of like,hey, you can say this to a
13-year-old because every singleone of them is gonna be a little
bit different.
SPEAKER_01 (10:39):
So maybe it's managing our own expectations
too, and that what theirresponse is gonna be, being
prepared for that.
I like that.
Not it isn't gonna be acookie-cutter conversation.
SPEAKER_06 (10:49):
Well, and kind of letting them lead.
If they ask a question wherethey have more understanding
than you maybe thought they weregonna have, and answering it,
giving them some power in thatconversation of if they take
what you say at face value andthere's no follow-up, then maybe
that's all you needed, but maybethey do need more than you
thought they were going to.
SPEAKER_01 (11:05):
I wonder how much of it is our own fear of these
topics that makes it hard for usand kind of just accepting and
embracing the fact that it isgonna be hard and just knowing
that we have to get through it.
What do you think about that?
SPEAKER_06 (11:16):
Yeah.
I mean, I think I have toprepare myself sometimes to have
hard conversations and I talk itup in my head and then I have
it, and the kid's like, okay.
Yeah.
And I'm like, oh right, yeah, Iwas feeling the same thing.
SPEAKER_03 (11:27):
Well, because I you know, these are tough topics to
talk about death, sex, bullying,mental health.
And as Taylor was mentioning,you know, letting them kind of
steer that conversation of likehow much information do they
really need at that point intime, what's age appropriate.
Because some of these topics aretaboo, you know, bullying.
You know, a lot of times if ourkids are coming to us and
talking to us about they'rebeing bullied, our response
(11:48):
sometimes is like, well, justhit that kid back, take care of
it.
And that may not be what thatkid needs, you know, or even
mental health, because I knowthat's a hard topic.
That's a hard topic when yourchild is hurting or whatever may
be going on.
How do you respond back that'shelpful?
SPEAKER_01 (12:04):
So, how important is the timing and how can parents
recognize the right moment tobring up a difficult topic?
SPEAKER_06 (12:11):
Julie, you are so prepared.
SPEAKER_04 (12:12):
You already I mean, again, like you wouldn't want to
do it when they're already goingthrough a difficult, you know,
situation, maybe you want tomake sure that not only you're
regulated, but they're regulatedand that they're open to having
that conversation.
Like, I can remember asking mykids, like, we need to talk
about this, is now a good time.
And they could tell me, no, canwe do it like after dinner or
(12:34):
can we do it on the weekend orwhatever it is?
And so I think letting kids helpchoose when we have that
conversation if that ability isan option.
SPEAKER_03 (12:44):
And I think whenever they say to you, hey, I want to
have this conversation afterdinner, we gotta remember, okay,
after dinner, this is when we'regonna have that conversation and
not get busy doing other thingsand we forget about it.
But I agree with you, lettingthem lead.
This is the time I want to.
Because if we or we're pushyabout it, that conversation's
going nowhere.
You know, so we gotta let themhave some buy-in to like, hey,
(13:05):
this is a difficult time to havethat conversation.
SPEAKER_06 (13:08):
I think it holds us accountable too, because I've,
you know, seen parents or staffor different people just you
don't want to hurt a kid.
You don't want to tell themsomething that's gonna upset
them.
And so sometimes you put it offbecause you're like, oh no, not
right now.
And is it really now's not agood time, or is it I don't want
to have this conversation.
SPEAKER_01 (13:25):
So what role does our tone of voice play in
helping a child feel safe andopen during a hard conversation?
SPEAKER_03 (13:31):
I mean, I feel like it plays an important part.
If if my tone sounds harsh, thenthe I don't think the child's
gonna feel very open to be ableto continue the conversation.
SPEAKER_04 (13:40):
Or if they can sense that you're frustrated or even
that you're uneasy, that mightaffect how they respond to the
conversation.
SPEAKER_03 (13:49):
If you're coming into a stressful situation, a
crisis situation, and you don'tfeel confident about it, how am
I supposed to trust you?
You feel like you're and so Ithink you know, tone and having
that I feel confident in thisconversation to be able to have
this hard conversation with thischild.
SPEAKER_06 (14:04):
And being able to recognize it in yourself and
saying, hey, I get that I'msounding frustrated or this is
what I'm feeling, or being openof like, you know, sharing that,
hey, I'm a person too, and theseare the things that I'm feeling
and I'm trying to be present inthis moment.
SPEAKER_03 (14:16):
And I think some of it, I mean, I don't know about
you guys, but growing up, therewasn't a lot of talking about no
feelings in my home.
It was like you do what yourparents tell you to do.
And you know, if you did say,I'm feeling sad or I'm feeling
this way, they're like, What?
You don't have no bills to pay,you don't have none of these
responsibilities.
You know, like so this is a newthing for all of us of letting
(14:41):
our kids be open and honest todiscuss, hey, I'm upset right
now and being able as parents, Iknow I did a lot of redo's
because I didn't handlesituations well, you know,
because some of my old stuffcame in and I'm like, this is
how we're doing things.
And so I had to go back and askfor some redo's on some
conversations.
SPEAKER_04 (14:57):
I think it's okay to be gentle too and to have
compassion, but you can't usethose things to be avoidant.
So you have to just kind of hitit head on with compassion and
gentleness.
Yeah, sometimes I would findmyself being avoidant or I'd
start dancing around a subjectand my kids would be like, just
tell me.
SPEAKER_01 (15:19):
So along those same lines, what about body language?
Why is posture, eye contact,physical space so important
during these conversations?
And what are some things parentsshould be mindful of?
SPEAKER_03 (15:29):
Well, if I'm there with my hands crossed and I'm
kind of staring at you, that'sgonna really open up for us to
have a good conversation withone another.
You know, no child's gonna belike, okay, let's have this
conversation.
So I think like Taylor hasmentioned several times, making
sure you're in a good spot.
You're ready to have thatconversation, you know, make an
eye contact, you or attend ifyou're in tune to what's going
(15:52):
on with the child.
SPEAKER_06 (15:53):
When body language is the first thing they see.
So before you even start theconversation, if you look
freaked out and mad or whateverit is, they're gonna be like, oh
no, we don't want to have thisconversation.
SPEAKER_01 (16:03):
I think power differential is a big deal for
kids.
I mean, we as adults hold allthe power.
So being aware of our size, Ithink is important.
If you're like a tall or bigperson, you know, making
yourself smaller in relation tothe kid.
Don't tower over them.
So can maybe sit down or squatdown, let them be kind of equal,
or maybe even a higher level ofpower.
That way they'll be probablymore likely to open up with you.
(16:24):
I think eye contact is alsoreally hard.
I think we as adults oftendemand that eye contact with
kids.
And some for some kids that's avery, very threatening and
they're gonna go to shutdownmode if you force them to make
eye contact with you.
SPEAKER_03 (16:37):
Well, and like you say, physical space, you know,
being able to know if I'm closeto you, how that can make that
child feel compared to if I'm onone side of the room, like we're
we're not feeling connected.
So just paying attention to thespace.
SPEAKER_04 (16:49):
Well, kids are gonna trust the way you make them feel
over what you have to say tothem.
SPEAKER_01 (16:54):
So, what's the difference between lecturing and
having a dialogue with the kidswhen it comes to these hard
topics?
And why does that actuallymatter?
SPEAKER_03 (17:01):
Dialogue means two people involved in the
conversation, and lectureusually means one person is
having the conversation.
And I think sometime as parents,I'm guilty of this.
I know my husband is guilty ofthis, of having lectures.
SPEAKER_01 (17:14):
Yeah.
I love to lecture my daughters.
It feels really, really, reallygood.
SPEAKER_03 (17:18):
It's really helpful, right?
It's it's really helpful.
SPEAKER_01 (17:20):
I mean, it helps me.
It makes me feel really, reallygood.
But sometimes I'm pretty sureabout 10 seconds into my well
thought out, you know, orationthat they're just I'm the
teacher from Charlie Brown, justwah, wah, wah, wah.
They don't hear anything that Isay.
SPEAKER_03 (17:32):
Adrian, I he was talking about this in one of his
trainings just this last weekwhen we were in Houston, where
he was having a conversationwith one of our daughters, but
it was more of a lecture.
And he came out and I said, Youknow, you were in there for like
an hour and 15 minutes.
And he didn't feel like he hadbeen in there that long.
He was like, No, there's no wayI've been there.
I was like, Yeah, so you knowshe heard nothing you said what
(17:53):
after the first five or tenminutes, because I it needs to
be a dialogue and it was more ofa lecture.
SPEAKER_01 (17:58):
I think it goes to what is the goal of the
conversation.
I mean, if it's just me gettingup there and standing and
talking, and I mean, it's kindof pointless, they're not gonna
hear it.
But if our goal is for them toactually hear something, then I
think that respectful two-waystreet of a conversation is
gonna make a much morebeneficial impact.
SPEAKER_06 (18:15):
And I feel like lecturing assumes that you know
what they're thinking.
So if you're dialoguing, thenyou're, you know, you may think,
oh, this is the direction weneed to go, and then they say
something that you're like, oh,that's not at all what I thought
you were thinking.
And it helps you have theresponses in the conversation
that needs to be had instead ofjust making assumptions about
what's going on.
SPEAKER_01 (18:33):
Aaron Powell So how should parents handle it when a
conversation doesn't go well ifthe kid shuts down, gets
defensive, or if the parentfeels or becomes emotionally
triggered?
SPEAKER_06 (18:41):
I mean, I think bringing attention to it of and
then setting the expectationsof, hey, I get that you're shut
down right now, I get thatyou're dysregulated, or I'm
feeling this way, or this isn'tgoing how I hope, and saying,
okay, this conversation doeshave to continue.
We'll talk about it later, orI'll come back and check on you,
or whatever it is.
I know I was arguing with a kidone day and I realized I was
(19:03):
arguing, and so I just stoppedand said, Okay, we're done.
If you'd like to have thisconversation, I would love to
talk to you about it.
But until we can have aconversation and not an
argument, I'm gonna, you know,walk away.
But it takes some self-awarenesson our part too, because it took
me a minute.
SPEAKER_03 (19:15):
I was in that arguing loop before I realized,
oh no, you trapped me and I hadto pull out like Taylor said
that self-awareness, I'm theadult.
And so at some point in time, Igotta be able to say, we have to
stop this conversation.
We can come back to it anothertime when we both are regulated
to be able to continue theconversation.
SPEAKER_01 (19:31):
I do think that's one of the hardest things to do
is when you're caught in thatargument trap, pull yourself
out, be aware enough to pullyourself out.
But I think you're right, it isincredibly important.
unknown (19:41):
Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_06 (19:41):
Well, and there's moments other people have had to
pull me out of it, of you don'teven you know the conversation
is going in circles and you justsometimes are stuck in it and
someone else has had to step inand be like, Okay, this is what
I'm hearing, we need to bebecause I think you think, I
gotta prove my point.
SPEAKER_03 (19:57):
That's right.
SPEAKER_04 (19:58):
I think too if I had if my parents while they were
talking to me about something Ishut down or I didn't make eye
contact or I started showingsigns of being frustrated or
defensive, that would have beenperceived as disrespectful.
And so I think we have toremember that those are kids
trying to manage their emotionsat that time and that it's not
(20:18):
disrespectful.
It's probably self-care forthem.
SPEAKER_06 (20:22):
And I think Taleda brought up Sama, and I feel like
that's a good moment to evensay, hey, this is what I'm
noticing.
Like, you know, what what areyou feeling?
And having those conversations.
And sometimes you can, you know,get more in that moment and it
may be a more productiveconversation of just refocusing
on how are you feeling in thismoment.
SPEAKER_03 (20:38):
But I think like we started earlier.
If we're having thoseconversations when kids are
young, we're all role plan onhow to get better or when
they're older, and we do have tohave those difficult
conversations.
Like we talked, we probablydidn't have a lot of
conversations that we were as wewere growing up.
So now we're learning new waysto be able to communicate to our
kids, either in our home or eventhe residents that we care for.
(20:59):
And even, I mean, Taylor canprobably speak on this a little
bit too.
Even when we're talking to ourparents about how to be open and
have those conversations and howto pull out of it, we still got
that old mindset, like you say,of being disrespectful.
And we're gonna have thisconversation.
So just new tools and retrainingourselves on how to have those
hard conversations, and it's notbeing disrespectful if your
(21:20):
child's shut down.
They're just trying to regulatethemselves in the conversation.
SPEAKER_06 (21:23):
Well, and it's not manipulation, it's not, and even
if it is, there's a reason thatyou're trying you're using that
and so trying to find out what'sbehind it.
SPEAKER_03 (21:31):
And I think we get that a lot from our parents when
we're trying to maybe helpexplain what's going on, they
feel like there's somemanipulation going on.
SPEAKER_01 (21:38):
So, what is some final encouragement that you
would give to a parent who wantsto begin to have these hard
conversations but feels unassureor afraid?
SPEAKER_06 (21:46):
I mean, I think we're all a little unsure and a
little bit unf afraid, and someof it is just go trying and
being open and being willing tocome back and say, Hey, I'm so
sorry, this didn't go how Iplanned, this is my intention.
And I've learned that an apologywith a kid goes a long way.
They'll kind of just stare atyou with big eyes, like what?
We're all just doing the bestand making sure that you're
upfront about that.
SPEAKER_03 (22:05):
As I mentioned earlier, just having those
opportunities to have redo's.
I've had to I've had to do a lotof redoes with my own kids and
being able, like you say, goingback and apologizing because as
adults, most of the times we'retaught not we don't we're the
adult.
We don't have to apologize to achild, but being able to say,
hey, that didn't go well.
Can I have an opportunity toredo that again?
Because I think that goes a longway for a child.
(22:27):
They recognize that theconversation didn't go well.
I mean, we know it didn't gowell, but you're coming back as
an adult to be able to say, Hey,can I have another opportunity
to do that again?
And we're mauling for them whenthings don't go well, being able
to go back and say, Hey, can Ihave an opportunity to do that
again?
And there's nothing wrong withthat.
SPEAKER_04 (22:42):
I think it's important too to make sure that
you're setting aside time justto have conversations with your
kids.
If you're too busy, you're intoyour routine or whatever it is
you have to get done to justhave conversations.
Hey, how did your day go?
I think just those normalconversations start laying the
groundwork for when you have tohave a hard conversation.
SPEAKER_03 (23:02):
In the car.
Because you can't they can't getout of the heart.
In the car is the best time,especially living out your head
voice managing having to drivethe Amarella.
That's the time to have thosehard or have conversations with
your kids because like I say,they can get out.
SPEAKER_02 (23:14):
They can't take the airpod.
Yeah.
He knows when I go, so it'sabout to be a hard conversation.
SPEAKER_01 (23:25):
And I would say too that just acknowledge it is
gonna be hard and it's not gonnabe in the immediate time a fun
experience.
But I think back on a lot of theconversations I've had with
kids, some of the kids I've hadrelation, you know, good
relationships with, or I thoughtwere good relationships where I
never actually had a hardconversation with them.
And then in the since they'veleft Boys Ranch, I don't really
(23:45):
hear from them much anymore.
But some of the kids I had someof the most difficult, hardest,
uncomfortable conversationswith, I think that solidified
the relationship with them.
They realized that I cared aboutthem in both the good times and
the hard times, and I was goingto be there from the fun
conversations and the not so funconversations.
And I think it really did deepenand solidify those
relationships.
So even if they're not fun, ifthey're you're not looking
(24:06):
forward to it, be brave, bedaring, and it'll be beneficial
for you and the kid in the longrun.
All right, so thank you so muchfor joining with us today.
I hope it wasn't too hard of aconversation.
An easy conversation for you tohave would be to tell your
friends and family all aboutbrain-based parenting and
encourage them to check us out.
And you can also remind themthat you might have to loan out
your frontal lobes today.
Just make sure you remember toget them back.
SPEAKER_00 (24:29):
Thank you for listening to Brain-Based
Parenting.
We hope you enjoyed this show.
If you would like moreinformation about CalFarley's
Boys Ranch, are interested inemployment, would like
information about placing yourchild, or would like to help us
help children by donating to ourmission, please visit
calfarly.org.
You can find us on all socialmedia platforms by searching for
(24:52):
Cal Farley's.
Thank you for spending your timewith us and have a blessed day.
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys
Ranch podcast for families.
We all know how hard being aparent is, and sometimes it
feels like there are no goodanswers to the difficult
questions families have whentheir kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be totry and answer some of those
tough questions, utilizing theknowledge, experience, and
(00:21):
professional training CalFarley's Boys Ranch has to
offer.
Now here is your host, CalFarley Staff Development
Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.
SPEAKER_01 (00:30):
Hello and welcome.
Today we're going to talk aboutthe importance of having hard
conversations with our kids.
To do that, today I'm joined byTaylor Halsey, Casework
Supervisor.
SPEAKER_04 (00:38):
Talita Jackson, casework supervisor.
Julie Ortega, direct care stafftrainer.
SPEAKER_01 (00:42):
All right, let's jump in with our question of the
day.
Since we're talking about hardconversations today, I thought
I'd ask you what is the easiestthing for you to talk about?
SPEAKER_06 (00:50):
I couldn't think of the thing that's easiest for me
to talk about, but I I thinkit's to p who and not what.
Depends on who I'm talking to.
If I'm talking to people I feelcomfortable with, I'm more of
kind of an introvert, so I tendto stay quiet.
But if I'm around people I'mcomfortable with, then I can
talk about whatever.
SPEAKER_03 (01:04):
I when I first read this question, I was thinking
myself.
Why would I not want to talkabout the most easiest
conversation to have is aboutmyself because I know everything
about myself.
SPEAKER_04 (01:16):
So I think for me it's my kids.
I have some pretty cool kids,and they've now both married
pretty cool people.
So I like to talk about my kids.
SPEAKER_01 (01:25):
So we're going to talk about having hard
conversations today, which areimportant to have.
So why is it important forparents to have difficult or
uncomfortable conversations withtheir kids, even at a young age?
SPEAKER_06 (01:34):
Well, I think one, it teaches them how to have hard
conversations.
And if you're setting the stageat a young age of, hey, this is
something in our family, we talkabout things, then when it
there's more high-stakesconversations, it's easier to s
have them because at thebeginning you are always open
and honest.
And I think it's just helpingkids understand the world and
understand, you know, hey, inour family, we this is kind of
(01:56):
how we view things, and you mayhave other views, but this is it
helps them have a template andyou can teach them, you know,
where you're coming from,whether it's just your morals or
if you're looking at aperspective religiously or
whatever it is, it helps kind ofguide them in that direction.
SPEAKER_03 (02:10):
I agree with Taylor.
We can't avoid it.
Like you you're gonna havedifficult conversations and
let's start practicing at young,a young age of what that looks
like because as we get older andyou start having those difficult
conversations, the kids may belike, Whoa, what's going on?
But we have a lot of practice.
You have a practice as kids toreceive difficult information
(02:30):
and also as parents having thosehard conversations because
there's no book to tell you howto have difficult or
uncomfortable conversations withyour kids and you're just
winging it.
SPEAKER_04 (02:42):
I agree.
It just you have to start havingthem early so it becomes normal.
It's normalized to have hardconversations then and then it's
not a scary thing that you wantto try to avoid if you've just
made it a normal part of your umfamily environment.
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (02:56):
Yeah, I often think that they're gonna talk to
someone about it, and you'drather get the information from
you as the adult.
Because they're I mean, it youdon't you don't want them to go
to the wrong person to get thewrong information, and as the
parent, you're the right person.
So starting early is alwaysgood.
So, what kind of topics doparents tend to avoid?
And what are some of theemotional, relational, or
spiritual risks of avoidingthem?
SPEAKER_03 (03:16):
So when I first read this question, I kind of just
automatically went to sex.
Those are hard conversationsthat parents no one wants to
have those conversations.
But the more I thought about itand just kind of having some
experiences with my own kids,he'll probably kill me.
But even like last night, wePaul was upset.
And so when you have to talk toyour kids about belonging and
(03:38):
they're upset and they're hurtand they're sad, that is really,
really a hard conversation tohave as a parent, I think.
Because you always want yourchild to belong.
You want them to have friends,you want, you know, whatever's
going on, you want them to havethat relationship piece and feel
safe and belong somewhere.
And when they come to you andthey are sharing with you, they
don't feel like they havebelonging.
Your mama heart hurts.
(03:59):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 (03:59):
Well, I think it kind of depends on what was
maybe like a taboo topic in yourfamily.
So if hey, we don't talk aboutthat and that could be your
emotions or whatever, thenbringing it up to kids is like
very uncomfortable because youwere never taught how to have
those conversations.
And so then you're dysregulatedbecause this is uncomfortable
for you and they're upset forwhatever it is and can feel
(04:20):
that.
So I think there's if it's hardfor you, the kids will know
that.
SPEAKER_04 (04:23):
I think that one of the hardest things for me was
when I would have to shareinformation with my kids and not
really it not really be a just atopic of discussion or something
that was what they needed totalk about, but maybe sharing
information and there wasn't asolution.
Like I have to give you thisinformation, but there's not
really anything we can do aboutit.
Those were the hardest topicsfor me.
SPEAKER_01 (04:44):
Yeah, that's what I was thinking too, is sometimes
we don't have the answers.
And it can be kind ofintimidating to think that we as
the adults are the ones that aresupposed to be the ones that
have all the answers, and thenthe kids ask us questions or we
have information to share, andwe just don't have anything, or
we feel like we don't haveanything that can be helpful.
So, how can small,non-threatening conversations
early on in life build the trustneeded for bigger, more
(05:06):
sensitive conversations lateron?
SPEAKER_06 (05:08):
I think it sets the template of, hey, you we may
have things that can beupsetting for you, for me,
whatever it is, but we're gonnago ahead and talk it and talk
about it, you know, nobody'sgonna get upset.
You know, we can take breaks.
It prepares you to know whatthat's gonna look like.
SPEAKER_01 (05:23):
Along those lines, how can consistent openness,
even in small things, lay thegroundwork for kids to come to
their parents with bigger,harder issues?
SPEAKER_03 (05:30):
I think it lays the groundwork for trust and feel
and some safety there.
Like I can come to my parents.
The the one people I should beable to come to with anything I
have, small or big, if I cantrust them with the small
things.
When the big things happen, Iknow I have my my people and I
can go to them and say, okay,this is what's going on.
(05:51):
I feel safe with them, I canshare with them, and we're gonna
work through whatever theproblem may be together.
SPEAKER_04 (05:57):
I think that's so important too to start early and
just so you're always creatingand maintaining a consistent,
safe space for kids to feelsafe, trusting to have those
conversations.
SPEAKER_06 (06:09):
Well, and I think the openness on the both sides,
not just for expecting kids tobe open, but in age-appropriate
ways address coming and saying,Hey, this is this is what I
know, and not trying to hidethings from them.
And so they are, you know,you're modeling that of like,
hey, I'm gonna be open with youso you can be open with me.
SPEAKER_01 (06:26):
Which leads perfect to the next question.
So, how can having honest,difficult conversations,
especially when the parents arevulnerable, strengthen trust and
connection with the child?
SPEAKER_03 (06:34):
I think the answer is in the question, just being
honest.
I mean, because as you mentionedearlier, even as adults, we
don't have all the answers toeverything.
And I think just being honestwith, hey, let's try to work
through this together.
SPEAKER_06 (06:48):
It was something I had to learn that sometimes you
have to tell kids like, hey,that hurts my feelings, or like,
hey, I'm not okay right now.
And you know, you don't have totell them every everything
that's happening, but kids canpick up on things.
And so just sharing that of,hey, yeah, this is how I'm
feeling.
And again, like I said before,just modeling that of if you
show them it's okay to do thosethings, they're gonna feel more
(07:09):
like they can also do them.
SPEAKER_01 (07:10):
Yeah, I think I heard someone once say that a
good risk person doesn't sellsomething they're not willing to
buy.
We as the adults sometimes haveto set the set the framework of
how things are gonna go.
We we share first, we'revulnerable first, create that
safe environment where the kidrealizes, okay, it is this is a
safe environment if they'rewilling to open up and be
vulnerable too.
But that's not always easy, isit?
SPEAKER_03 (07:29):
No, no, not at all.
SPEAKER_01 (07:31):
So, what are some practical steps for parents that
they can take to prepare for ahard conversation with their
child?
SPEAKER_06 (07:36):
I mean, I think you have to be regulated or at least
regulated enough, having atleast some kind of grasp on the
situation.
I know sometimes we may notunderstand things, but at least
you know you're not just goingin giving this little bit of
information and you're feelingchaotic and then you bring them
into your chaos of you knowtrying to process it yourself
before you bring the kid in.
SPEAKER_04 (07:56):
I think too, you have to be willing to stop if
you need to stop, take a break,come back to it.
Like it might have to besomething that you do in chunks,
it might not be something youcan do all at once, and you have
to be willing to do that.
SPEAKER_06 (08:09):
That's a right.
I agree.
Well, and setting thatexpectation early of like, hey,
this is a hard conversation.
If you need a break, if I need abreak, we may have to take a
minute and come back in a weekor in a couple of days, whatever
it is.
SPEAKER_03 (08:21):
Or even just being honest with the child of like,
hey, I may not be the rightperson.
And so that may mean you have togo to someone else to have that
conversation because I may notbe the right person to have that
knowledge to be able to give youthe right information or the
information.
SPEAKER_01 (08:35):
I think doing your homework is also important too.
If you know you're about readyto have a tough conversation
with a kid and you may not knowall the details about whatever
subject that is.
So go talk to a friend, acounselor, something someone who
may have some broaderinformation on the topic.
Or Lita, like you said, I lovethe idea of bringing someone
else in and um kind of talkingto another person ahead of time
and seeing if you can get thatset up and just set yourself up
(08:57):
for success.
SPEAKER_03 (08:58):
Because I think sometimes, as we mentioned, we
don't have the answers toeverything.
And so if you just as anexample, like if you have a
child that maybe question God orspirituality or something like
that, maybe bringing your pastorin or someone that has a little
bit more knowledge to be able tohelp that child have some
understanding or maybe get theright answer so they can make an
informed decision, it's okay todo that.
SPEAKER_01 (09:17):
It's so powerful too.
I think that we're not gonnahave all the answers all the
time.
The ability to say, I don'tknow, but let's go find out
together.
Instead of just shrugging yourshoulders and saying, uh, I
don't know.
And then the kid doesn't reallyfeel like they can trust you in
the future too.
SPEAKER_04 (09:32):
I think timing is important too.
Like you don't want to just gothrough something difficult,
like maybe they failed a test atschool and they're not in the
best of mood, and then you hitthem with a hard conversation or
they just lost the footballgame, or I think timing's
important too, and we have to besensitive to them being ready to
have that conversation and makesure that the timing is right.
SPEAKER_01 (09:52):
So, how can parents approach tough topics like
death, sex, bullying, or mentalhealth in a way that's both age
appropriate and non-threatening?
SPEAKER_06 (10:00):
I mean, I think for the a lot of it is what we've
talked about already is be obeing open and honest and
preparing them of hey, this isgonna be a hard conversation.
I think the tricky part of theconversation is the age
appropriate because and youknow, a three-year-old's ability
to comprehend death is gonna bevery different than a
13-year-old trying to help themunderstand.
(10:20):
You know, you don't want toscare somebody.
And so I think that is hard.
And I also think it depends, youknow, not every kid is the same
emotional maturity at 13.
And so understanding where yourkid is at and not it's it's not
a cookie-cutter answer of like,hey, you can say this to a
13-year-old because every singleone of them is gonna be a little
bit different.
SPEAKER_01 (10:39):
So maybe it's managing our own expectations
too, and that what theirresponse is gonna be, being
prepared for that.
I like that.
Not it isn't gonna be acookie-cutter conversation.
SPEAKER_06 (10:49):
Well, and kind of letting them lead.
If they ask a question wherethey have more understanding
than you maybe thought they weregonna have, and answering it,
giving them some power in thatconversation of if they take
what you say at face value andthere's no follow-up, then maybe
that's all you needed, but maybethey do need more than you
thought they were going to.
SPEAKER_01 (11:05):
I wonder how much of it is our own fear of these
topics that makes it hard for usand kind of just accepting and
embracing the fact that it isgonna be hard and just knowing
that we have to get through it.
What do you think about that?
SPEAKER_06 (11:16):
Yeah.
I mean, I think I have toprepare myself sometimes to have
hard conversations and I talk itup in my head and then I have
it, and the kid's like, okay.
Yeah.
And I'm like, oh right, yeah, Iwas feeling the same thing.
SPEAKER_03 (11:27):
Well, because I you know, these are tough topics to
talk about death, sex, bullying,mental health.
And as Taylor was mentioning,you know, letting them kind of
steer that conversation of likehow much information do they
really need at that point intime, what's age appropriate.
Because some of these topics aretaboo, you know, bullying.
You know, a lot of times if ourkids are coming to us and
talking to us about they'rebeing bullied, our response
(11:48):
sometimes is like, well, justhit that kid back, take care of
it.
And that may not be what thatkid needs, you know, or even
mental health, because I knowthat's a hard topic.
That's a hard topic when yourchild is hurting or whatever may
be going on.
How do you respond back that'shelpful?
SPEAKER_01 (12:04):
So, how important is the timing and how can parents
recognize the right moment tobring up a difficult topic?
SPEAKER_06 (12:11):
Julie, you are so prepared.
SPEAKER_04 (12:12):
You already I mean, again, like you wouldn't want to
do it when they're already goingthrough a difficult, you know,
situation, maybe you want tomake sure that not only you're
regulated, but they're regulatedand that they're open to having
that conversation.
Like, I can remember asking mykids, like, we need to talk
about this, is now a good time.
And they could tell me, no, canwe do it like after dinner or
(12:34):
can we do it on the weekend orwhatever it is?
And so I think letting kids helpchoose when we have that
conversation if that ability isan option.
SPEAKER_03 (12:44):
And I think whenever they say to you, hey, I want to
have this conversation afterdinner, we gotta remember, okay,
after dinner, this is when we'regonna have that conversation and
not get busy doing other thingsand we forget about it.
But I agree with you, lettingthem lead.
This is the time I want to.
Because if we or we're pushyabout it, that conversation's
going nowhere.
You know, so we gotta let themhave some buy-in to like, hey,
(13:05):
this is a difficult time to havethat conversation.
SPEAKER_06 (13:08):
I think it holds us accountable too, because I've,
you know, seen parents or staffor different people just you
don't want to hurt a kid.
You don't want to tell themsomething that's gonna upset
them.
And so sometimes you put it offbecause you're like, oh no, not
right now.
And is it really now's not agood time, or is it I don't want
to have this conversation.
SPEAKER_01 (13:25):
So what role does our tone of voice play in
helping a child feel safe andopen during a hard conversation?
SPEAKER_03 (13:31):
I mean, I feel like it plays an important part.
If if my tone sounds harsh, thenthe I don't think the child's
gonna feel very open to be ableto continue the conversation.
SPEAKER_04 (13:40):
Or if they can sense that you're frustrated or even
that you're uneasy, that mightaffect how they respond to the
conversation.
SPEAKER_03 (13:49):
If you're coming into a stressful situation, a
crisis situation, and you don'tfeel confident about it, how am
I supposed to trust you?
You feel like you're and so Ithink you know, tone and having
that I feel confident in thisconversation to be able to have
this hard conversation with thischild.
SPEAKER_06 (14:04):
And being able to recognize it in yourself and
saying, hey, I get that I'msounding frustrated or this is
what I'm feeling, or being openof like, you know, sharing that,
hey, I'm a person too, and theseare the things that I'm feeling
and I'm trying to be present inthis moment.
SPEAKER_03 (14:16):
And I think some of it, I mean, I don't know about
you guys, but growing up, therewasn't a lot of talking about no
feelings in my home.
It was like you do what yourparents tell you to do.
And you know, if you did say,I'm feeling sad or I'm feeling
this way, they're like, What?
You don't have no bills to pay,you don't have none of these
responsibilities.
You know, like so this is a newthing for all of us of letting
(14:41):
our kids be open and honest todiscuss, hey, I'm upset right
now and being able as parents, Iknow I did a lot of redo's
because I didn't handlesituations well, you know,
because some of my old stuffcame in and I'm like, this is
how we're doing things.
And so I had to go back and askfor some redo's on some
conversations.
SPEAKER_04 (14:57):
I think it's okay to be gentle too and to have
compassion, but you can't usethose things to be avoidant.
So you have to just kind of hitit head on with compassion and
gentleness.
Yeah, sometimes I would findmyself being avoidant or I'd
start dancing around a subjectand my kids would be like, just
tell me.
SPEAKER_01 (15:19):
So along those same lines, what about body language?
Why is posture, eye contact,physical space so important
during these conversations?
And what are some things parentsshould be mindful of?
SPEAKER_03 (15:29):
Well, if I'm there with my hands crossed and I'm
kind of staring at you, that'sgonna really open up for us to
have a good conversation withone another.
You know, no child's gonna belike, okay, let's have this
conversation.
So I think like Taylor hasmentioned several times, making
sure you're in a good spot.
You're ready to have thatconversation, you know, make an
eye contact, you or attend ifyou're in tune to what's going
(15:52):
on with the child.
SPEAKER_06 (15:53):
When body language is the first thing they see.
So before you even start theconversation, if you look
freaked out and mad or whateverit is, they're gonna be like, oh
no, we don't want to have thisconversation.
SPEAKER_01 (16:03):
I think power differential is a big deal for
kids.
I mean, we as adults hold allthe power.
So being aware of our size, Ithink is important.
If you're like a tall or bigperson, you know, making
yourself smaller in relation tothe kid.
Don't tower over them.
So can maybe sit down or squatdown, let them be kind of equal,
or maybe even a higher level ofpower.
That way they'll be probablymore likely to open up with you.
(16:24):
I think eye contact is alsoreally hard.
I think we as adults oftendemand that eye contact with
kids.
And some for some kids that's avery, very threatening and
they're gonna go to shutdownmode if you force them to make
eye contact with you.
SPEAKER_03 (16:37):
Well, and like you say, physical space, you know,
being able to know if I'm closeto you, how that can make that
child feel compared to if I'm onone side of the room, like we're
we're not feeling connected.
So just paying attention to thespace.
SPEAKER_04 (16:49):
Well, kids are gonna trust the way you make them feel
over what you have to say tothem.
SPEAKER_01 (16:54):
So, what's the difference between lecturing and
having a dialogue with the kidswhen it comes to these hard
topics?
And why does that actuallymatter?
SPEAKER_03 (17:01):
Dialogue means two people involved in the
conversation, and lectureusually means one person is
having the conversation.
And I think sometime as parents,I'm guilty of this.
I know my husband is guilty ofthis, of having lectures.
SPEAKER_01 (17:14):
Yeah.
I love to lecture my daughters.
It feels really, really, reallygood.
SPEAKER_03 (17:18):
It's really helpful, right?
It's it's really helpful.
SPEAKER_01 (17:20):
I mean, it helps me.
It makes me feel really, reallygood.
But sometimes I'm pretty sureabout 10 seconds into my well
thought out, you know, orationthat they're just I'm the
teacher from Charlie Brown, justwah, wah, wah, wah.
They don't hear anything that Isay.
SPEAKER_03 (17:32):
Adrian, I he was talking about this in one of his
trainings just this last weekwhen we were in Houston, where
he was having a conversationwith one of our daughters, but
it was more of a lecture.
And he came out and I said, Youknow, you were in there for like
an hour and 15 minutes.
And he didn't feel like he hadbeen in there that long.
He was like, No, there's no wayI've been there.
I was like, Yeah, so you knowshe heard nothing you said what
(17:53):
after the first five or tenminutes, because I it needs to
be a dialogue and it was more ofa lecture.
SPEAKER_01 (17:58):
I think it goes to what is the goal of the
conversation.
I mean, if it's just me gettingup there and standing and
talking, and I mean, it's kindof pointless, they're not gonna
hear it.
But if our goal is for them toactually hear something, then I
think that respectful two-waystreet of a conversation is
gonna make a much morebeneficial impact.
SPEAKER_06 (18:15):
And I feel like lecturing assumes that you know
what they're thinking.
So if you're dialoguing, thenyou're, you know, you may think,
oh, this is the direction weneed to go, and then they say
something that you're like, oh,that's not at all what I thought
you were thinking.
And it helps you have theresponses in the conversation
that needs to be had instead ofjust making assumptions about
what's going on.
SPEAKER_01 (18:33):
Aaron Powell So how should parents handle it when a
conversation doesn't go well ifthe kid shuts down, gets
defensive, or if the parentfeels or becomes emotionally
triggered?
SPEAKER_06 (18:41):
I mean, I think bringing attention to it of and
then setting the expectationsof, hey, I get that you're shut
down right now, I get thatyou're dysregulated, or I'm
feeling this way, or this isn'tgoing how I hope, and saying,
okay, this conversation doeshave to continue.
We'll talk about it later, orI'll come back and check on you,
or whatever it is.
I know I was arguing with a kidone day and I realized I was
(19:03):
arguing, and so I just stoppedand said, Okay, we're done.
If you'd like to have thisconversation, I would love to
talk to you about it.
But until we can have aconversation and not an
argument, I'm gonna, you know,walk away.
But it takes some self-awarenesson our part too, because it took
me a minute.
SPEAKER_03 (19:15):
I was in that arguing loop before I realized,
oh no, you trapped me and I hadto pull out like Taylor said
that self-awareness, I'm theadult.
And so at some point in time, Igotta be able to say, we have to
stop this conversation.
We can come back to it anothertime when we both are regulated
to be able to continue theconversation.
SPEAKER_01 (19:31):
I do think that's one of the hardest things to do
is when you're caught in thatargument trap, pull yourself
out, be aware enough to pullyourself out.
But I think you're right, it isincredibly important.
unknown (19:41):
Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_06 (19:41):
Well, and there's moments other people have had to
pull me out of it, of you don'teven you know the conversation
is going in circles and you justsometimes are stuck in it and
someone else has had to step inand be like, Okay, this is what
I'm hearing, we need to bebecause I think you think, I
gotta prove my point.
SPEAKER_03 (19:57):
That's right.
SPEAKER_04 (19:58):
I think too if I had if my parents while they were
talking to me about something Ishut down or I didn't make eye
contact or I started showingsigns of being frustrated or
defensive, that would have beenperceived as disrespectful.
And so I think we have toremember that those are kids
trying to manage their emotionsat that time and that it's not
(20:18):
disrespectful.
It's probably self-care forthem.
SPEAKER_06 (20:22):
And I think Taleda brought up Sama, and I feel like
that's a good moment to evensay, hey, this is what I'm
noticing.
Like, you know, what what areyou feeling?
And having those conversations.
And sometimes you can, you know,get more in that moment and it
may be a more productiveconversation of just refocusing
on how are you feeling in thismoment.
SPEAKER_03 (20:38):
But I think like we started earlier.
If we're having thoseconversations when kids are
young, we're all role plan onhow to get better or when
they're older, and we do have tohave those difficult
conversations.
Like we talked, we probablydidn't have a lot of
conversations that we were as wewere growing up.
So now we're learning new waysto be able to communicate to our
kids, either in our home or eventhe residents that we care for.
(20:59):
And even, I mean, Taylor canprobably speak on this a little
bit too.
Even when we're talking to ourparents about how to be open and
have those conversations and howto pull out of it, we still got
that old mindset, like you say,of being disrespectful.
And we're gonna have thisconversation.
So just new tools and retrainingourselves on how to have those
hard conversations, and it's notbeing disrespectful if your
(21:20):
child's shut down.
They're just trying to regulatethemselves in the conversation.
SPEAKER_06 (21:23):
Well, and it's not manipulation, it's not, and even
if it is, there's a reason thatyou're trying you're using that
and so trying to find out what'sbehind it.
SPEAKER_03 (21:31):
And I think we get that a lot from our parents when
we're trying to maybe helpexplain what's going on, they
feel like there's somemanipulation going on.
SPEAKER_01 (21:38):
So, what is some final encouragement that you
would give to a parent who wantsto begin to have these hard
conversations but feels unassureor afraid?
SPEAKER_06 (21:46):
I mean, I think we're all a little unsure and a
little bit unf afraid, and someof it is just go trying and
being open and being willing tocome back and say, Hey, I'm so
sorry, this didn't go how Iplanned, this is my intention.
And I've learned that an apologywith a kid goes a long way.
They'll kind of just stare atyou with big eyes, like what?
We're all just doing the bestand making sure that you're
upfront about that.
SPEAKER_03 (22:05):
As I mentioned earlier, just having those
opportunities to have redo's.
I've had to I've had to do a lotof redoes with my own kids and
being able, like you say, goingback and apologizing because as
adults, most of the times we'retaught not we don't we're the
adult.
We don't have to apologize to achild, but being able to say,
hey, that didn't go well.
Can I have an opportunity toredo that again?
Because I think that goes a longway for a child.
(22:27):
They recognize that theconversation didn't go well.
I mean, we know it didn't gowell, but you're coming back as
an adult to be able to say, Hey,can I have another opportunity
to do that again?
And we're mauling for them whenthings don't go well, being able
to go back and say, Hey, can Ihave an opportunity to do that
again?
And there's nothing wrong withthat.
SPEAKER_04 (22:42):
I think it's important too to make sure that
you're setting aside time justto have conversations with your
kids.
If you're too busy, you're intoyour routine or whatever it is
you have to get done to justhave conversations.
Hey, how did your day go?
I think just those normalconversations start laying the
groundwork for when you have tohave a hard conversation.
SPEAKER_03 (23:02):
In the car.
Because you can't they can't getout of the heart.
In the car is the best time,especially living out your head
voice managing having to drivethe Amarella.
That's the time to have thosehard or have conversations with
your kids because like I say,they can get out.
SPEAKER_02 (23:14):
They can't take the airpod.
Yeah.
He knows when I go, so it'sabout to be a hard conversation.
SPEAKER_01 (23:25):
And I would say too that just acknowledge it is
gonna be hard and it's not gonnabe in the immediate time a fun
experience.
But I think back on a lot of theconversations I've had with
kids, some of the kids I've hadrelation, you know, good
relationships with, or I thoughtwere good relationships where I
never actually had a hardconversation with them.
And then in the since they'veleft Boys Ranch, I don't really
(23:45):
hear from them much anymore.
But some of the kids I had someof the most difficult, hardest,
uncomfortable conversationswith, I think that solidified
the relationship with them.
They realized that I cared aboutthem in both the good times and
the hard times, and I was goingto be there from the fun
conversations and the not so funconversations.
And I think it really did deepenand solidify those
relationships.
So even if they're not fun, ifthey're you're not looking
(24:06):
forward to it, be brave, bedaring, and it'll be beneficial
for you and the kid in the longrun.
All right, so thank you so muchfor joining with us today.
I hope it wasn't too hard of aconversation.
An easy conversation for you tohave would be to tell your
friends and family all aboutbrain-based parenting and
encourage them to check us out.
And you can also remind themthat you might have to loan out
your frontal lobes today.
Just make sure you remember toget them back.
SPEAKER_00 (24:29):
Thank you for listening to Brain-Based
Parenting.
We hope you enjoyed this show.
If you would like moreinformation about CalFarley's
Boys Ranch, are interested inemployment, would like
information about placing yourchild, or would like to help us
help children by donating to ourmission, please visit
calfarly.org.
You can find us on all socialmedia platforms by searching for
(24:52):
Cal Farley's.
Thank you for spending your timewith us and have a blessed day.
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