November 11, 2025 • 40 mins
We show how naming triggers turns chaos into connection and why front loading, choice, and curiosity help kids and parents regulate. Real stories illustrate hidden triggers, values clashes, and how to repair with grace after hard moments.
• defining triggers and why past experiences matter
• front loading schedules and reducing surprises
• spotting early warning signs and patterns
• using choice to build agency and reduce power struggles
• curiosity over control for calmer conversations
• responding versus reacting and parent self regulation
• repairing with apology, grace and accountability
• navigating cherished beliefs without breaking relationship
• building personalized calm strategies kids can use
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_02 (00:00):
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys
Ranch podcast for families.
We all know how hard being aparent is, and sometimes it
feels like there are no goodanswers to the difficult
questions families have whentheir kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be totry and answer some of those
tough questions, utilizing theknowledge, experience, and
(00:21):
professional training CalFarley's Boys Ranch has to
offer.
Now here is your host, CalFarley Staff Development
Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.
SPEAKER_00 (00:30):
Hello and welcome.
Today we're going to discuss howknowing your and your kids'
triggers will help improve yourrelationships with them.
SPEAKER_03 (00:36):
To do that today, I'm joined by Suzanne Wright,
Vice President of Training andIntervention.
Chloe Hewitt, Youth ProgramsAdministrator.
SPEAKER_01 (00:43):
Sam Cerna, Assistant Administrator of Residential
Communities.
SPEAKER_00 (00:46):
All right, for our question of the day, since we're
talking about triggers, what isyour biggest trigger?
SPEAKER_03 (00:51):
Okay, well, the group of people sitting in this
room with me know that mybiggest trigger is a snake.
And it doesn't matter what kindof snake, a garden snake and a
python are the same to me.
A six-inch snake and a six-footsnake are the same to me.
I'm terrified.
I can't look at pictures.
I can't see one on TV.
Big trigger.
SPEAKER_04 (01:09):
I thought long and hard about this.
I think manipulation is mybiggest trigger.
And so I really struggle inrelationships if I feel like
there's manipulation or if Ifeel like people aren't just
being transparent.
SPEAKER_01 (01:20):
I struggle with surprises.
I don't like really beingsurprised or like people jumping
out and trying to scare me andthings like that.
SPEAKER_00 (01:27):
So I've had a different trigger before I drove
to work today, but then Irealized driving to work today,
I have a really bad trigger.
And that's when you're drivingbehind someone who's really,
really, really slow, and thenyou finally get to a passing
lane and you start to pass them,and then all of a sudden they
speed up and don't let you passthem.
I may have had a little bit of arage problem on the way to work
today.
All right, so maybe we shouldtalk about what are triggers.
(01:50):
So what do we mean when we saytriggers in the context of
parenting and child behavior?
SPEAKER_04 (01:55):
So what I think is it taps into something from our
past that can cause us to havean egg a stronger emotional
response than we normally wouldbecause of whatever has happened
in our past or something that wehave had happen to us.
And so normally we could becalmer, but we can't.
SPEAKER_03 (02:09):
It's anything that you experience that makes you
feel angry or upset or agitatedor or fearful.
And sometimes your responseseems irrational to the event,
but that's because of exactlywhat Chloe said.
It it's tied to something inyour past.
Yeah.
Something, something you haveexperienced before.
SPEAKER_01 (02:29):
Yeah, and an interesting thing is sometimes
you don't even know about it.
Like you don't actually knowwhat's creating the anger.
Yeah, very commonly.
SPEAKER_00 (02:37):
So why is it important for parents to
recognize their children'semotional or behavioral
triggers?
SPEAKER_03 (02:42):
You know, kids don't always have the the maturity or
the cortex development, right,to handle exposure to a trigger.
And so as the parent, it'shelpful if we're aware and then
we can help help the childmanage their reaction to that
and provide some emotionalregulation for them.
SPEAKER_04 (03:00):
Yeah, I think we're all individuals and we have to
be attuned to what makes us feelunsettled.
But the difficult part with thekids is they can't always have
that awareness.
So then it's us trying to helpthem have awareness, name what
is going on, or even assistingthem to become aware, which can
be very difficult.
SPEAKER_01 (03:16):
Yeah.
So also, you know, like kind ofin my example of being
surprised, you know, you don'twant to really surprise your
kids.
So it helped uh the parents tounderstand when things are
changing or preparing for achange, that you can see that
this is affecting my child in away.
So you can also plan how how yougo from there earlier than you
would normally Yeah, like in ourenvironment, we call that front
loading.
SPEAKER_03 (03:35):
Right.
So that if there are going to bechanges in the daily schedule or
the environment that we tell thekids as far in advance as
possible so that they're notstartled or caught off guard and
they have time to acclimate oradjust to that change.
SPEAKER_04 (03:49):
Yeah, I love that.
You know, with my daughter,she's so funny.
Every day, the night before theday, she's like, What are we
doing tomorrow?
What's on our schedule?
Like, and it's always been apart of us because I that's how
I am, is we I always havefrontloaded them forever.
And so I'm like, Yes, we'regoing to go to ranch, and this
is what our day is gonna looklike, and this is what we have
after.
And so that way they can knowwhat to expect because they
(04:10):
really do better when they'refront-loaded.
But so do we.
I mean, if we're honest withourselves, we want to know how
our schedule is gonna play outtoo.
A hundred percent.
SPEAKER_00 (04:18):
So maybe it'll be helpful if we give some
examples.
So, what are some commontriggers in children, especially
those who've experienced traumaor chronic stress?
SPEAKER_04 (04:25):
If we don't front load our like kids that have had
some trauma or even chronicstress, you see this real
extreme response in because theyaren't getting what they
expected.
Uh, when I was first incasework, one of my first plans
of service, which is just kindof sitting down with a kid
talking about their goals, and Ididn't tell the kid.
Well, he kind of was always akid in trouble.
And so what happened was Ishowed up to the house and said,
Hey, we're gonna do your meetingtoday.
(04:47):
And he literally chunked hisskateboard at my head.
But because they had beentelling him all week he couldn't
write it, and he finally gotpermission to write it, and then
I show up and said, We're gonnahave this meeting.
And so I think that was like oneof the things that I learned was
that was my mistake.
If I had told him about it, thenmaybe he could have been set up
for success, right?
And so I took some blame in thatsituation that I didn't front
load.
SPEAKER_03 (05:07):
You know, for some kids, it could be loud noises or
it could be darkness or a stormor bedtime.
It's so individualized that itreally depends on each child's
unique and individual history.
It may be, you know, aconversation you have with them,
or it may just be your awarenessas a parent of what they've gone
(05:28):
through.
You know, and so you're you'reknowledgeable about that child's
history and then you see themhaving a reaction that you
think, wow, this is out ofcontext, it's it's up to you to
be curious about what that cluewas, right?
What that event or object orsmell or situation was that
might be related somehow to aprevious event.
SPEAKER_04 (05:49):
I think a lot of times it can look too like if
they haven't had a lot of say.
And so sometimes if you can givethem choices, that also can help
with those triggers.
Because a lot of times they'regonna look for power in
inappropriate ways.
But then really we need to lookat ways we can give them the
power because their whole lifethey might have not had say over
maybe their body or where theylived or where what they ate.
(06:10):
And so, and when we can givethem some of that, it's very
beneficial because that can alsobe a trigger when they aren't
having a say in how their dayplays out or what they're doing
or where they live or anythinglike that.
SPEAKER_01 (06:21):
Yeah, even things as something simple as a smell, you
know, in vi certainenvironments.
Um, some for some kids also acalm environment can create a
trigger because somethingsometimes things can happen in
the quiet.
So you just you never reallyknow all the time what it is.
SPEAKER_00 (06:35):
So, what might be some early warning signs that a
child is being triggered and howcan parents tune into those cues
before things escalate?
SPEAKER_03 (06:42):
Again, I think that's really individualized.
But just when you see a childwho looks agitated or
frustrated, or they're behavingin a way they don't normally
behave.
A talkative child is reallyquiet, or a quiet child becomes
really animated.
Those are some clues.
And you know, you know yourkids, you know their baseline.
You're able to see changes intheir facial expressions or
(07:04):
their body language that letsyou know something's not okay.
SPEAKER_04 (07:08):
Well, and I think we do that even with, you know,
staff or even with not justkids.
Like you can usually sense,like, oh, that was a strong
reaction.
Like, what was that about,right?
And so I think the way to beattuned to it is to just be
curious about it, right?
And say, like, hey, I noticedthat you seem short today.
I just wanted to check, like, iseverything okay?
Right.
And just asking, or hey, Inoticed you were quiet, like
giving them some of those cuesbecause a lot of times they're
(07:30):
willing to talk about it if it'sacknowledged, but sometimes they
can't put a name to it orunderstand.
So I think it's also powerful tojust give them a space to do it,
and it might not be that sameday, it might be a different
day.
SPEAKER_01 (07:41):
It's important to track it too.
Like if if you if you startnoticing a pattern, maybe
there's something going on therethat you don't know about.
You know, it's interesting to mebecause you know, like, you
know, although young kids arecould be with us all the time,
they might not be.
You know, they go to otherenvironments and you don't act,
you know, always know what'shappened or how other kids
interact with them or otheradults even in, you know, from
school to daycare and all thesethings.
(08:02):
So you know, you don't alwaysknow.
So when you go to a place andsomething gets weird, like they
start acting silly and that'snot normal or uh things like
that.
I think that's one of the thingsyou can start paying attention
and find patterns.
I I also read somewhere, uhlisten, listen with your eyes,
you know, that always they'renot they're not they may not be
capable or they're not going totell you what's the matter.
So but you can notice thosethings, notice those shifts.
SPEAKER_03 (08:22):
Well, and I think too, kids, kids can't always
identify their emotion or theirfeeling.
And so Chloe's comment aboutsaying, Hey, I notice, and then
describe the behavior that younotice and help the child learn
to identify what that is.
We teach our staff here oncampus to notice triggers and
then identify early warningsigns.
(08:43):
And we talk about the fact thatfrequently you're gonna see the
early warning sign first andhave to work your way back to
figure out what that trigger is.
And so you are identifying that,naming, hey, I noticed that
you're fidgety or you have afrown on your face, or you know,
whatever that is, and thenyou're asking questions to help
lead that child to some insightabout what that trigger might
(09:04):
have been.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_04 (09:05):
It's so interesting because this this week I kind of
had a little bit of this with myoldest, and and we they got to
go to a new place for like someSundays, and the first day was
Tuesday, and he was like notwanting to get out of bed, and
he was kind of fighting me aboutit, but I knew he was excited
because they were like doingsnow cones and like making fun
activities for him.
So then we get in the car and hewas like, I don't, I'm I this is
dumb.
I'm not going.
(09:25):
And I said, Hey, what's goingon?
Like what what and he said,Well, I it's just kind of new.
And I said, Are you and I said,Okay, well, I think you're
feeling nervous.
He said, Well, what's nervous?
And so we named it and we talkedabout it.
And then, you know, my myyoungest is in the car, my
four-year-old listening, andthen she goes, Well, I'm nervous
about having a differentteacher.
And so then we talked, like shegot to name it and then talk
about, but he was nervous aboutthe peers, like, hey, I'm gonna
(09:47):
have a different class and newpeople.
And and so I think that it issometimes they don't have the
word for even the emotionthey're feeling, but they know
something is unsettled.
SPEAKER_03 (09:55):
I just don't think we can underestimate the
importance of being curious.
And I think as adults, wefrequently think we know.
We know what they're feeling, weknow, and and we don't take the
time to be curious and to askthose questions, just like
Chloe's example, right?
Her son didn't have the abilityto to identify nervousness or to
explain what that was.
(10:15):
And if she had just said, Hey,this is on the schedule today, I
don't want to hear it, you'regonna go.
Right.
She would have shut down hisemotion and not recognized it.
And my guess is, Chloe, that atthe end of that conversation,
once you'd acknowledged hisfeeling and he understood this
is a common feeling, it has aname, that he was more willing
to go.
SPEAKER_04 (10:34):
Yeah, we actually talked about something I was
nervous about, like a changethat's coming for us.
Yeah.
And I said, Well, mom's reallynervous about this at work.
And so then we all talked aboutsomething that made us nervous.
And then I said, Hey, we'regonna walk you in.
But I was gonna say too,depending on the day, it could
have gotten a differentresponse.
I did have it, you know, becausethere are times that it's really
hard to be curious, likedepending on what I have going
on in my own life, or like if meand my husband were in a fight,
(10:57):
or if I'm trying to get to workon time, right?
Like it depends on what all Ihave going on, if I'm doing a
good job of being curious.
And so all that to say is Ithink I say this a lot, but take
a breath and then go into itbecause you want to get it
right, and you're not alwaysgonna get it right.
It depends on, I say, like whenmy four-year-old loses it at
Walmart, it's not getting thebest version of me because I'm
like super anxious and I feelpeople watching me, and so I'm
(11:18):
not always the most therapeuticor curious in that moment, and I
can recognize that.
SPEAKER_01 (11:22):
Yeah, that goes back to some of our other podcasts,
right?
You prepare yourself, how do youengage, right?
How do you calm yourself andthings like that preparing
because you know you're gonnapick up your kids at some point,
right?
So, okay, I gotta be in thespace to pick up my kids, right?
And so you're right, it's notalways possible.
Gosh, there's so much going onin people's lives and things
like that.
But but I was thinking aboutyour your um the way you handle
(11:43):
the asking, right?
And because you're you're tryingto understand them, right?
Because it's easy for a parentjust to judge a kid, like, oh,
you're just being dramatic orwhatever.
You know, the those dismissivethings that it's so easy because
we are busy, our our minds aresomewhere else.
It makes it very difficult justto try to understand that it
curiosity invites connectioninstead of control, right?
So when I want when I needsomebody to just do what I need,
(12:04):
I'm controlling them.
But the other way, like you whatyou just your example, you're
connecting with your kids thatway.
It's really cool.
SPEAKER_00 (12:11):
I think it's interesting.
Our brains, how they work, isthey automatically assume that
everyone else's brains see theworld exactly the same way that
it does unless told differently.
So if you're curious, when a kidstarts having a like meltdown or
something like that, you canactually wonder what's changed
in the environment.
Whereas uh what we normally dowith our brains is like, what's
wrong with you?
Why are you acting so dumb?
Nothing, you know?
(12:31):
But yeah, being curious, kind ofinstead of wanting to just yell
at them or punish them, likewhat's what's different?
Then we can actually dosomething to help them regulate.
How can parents identify hiddenor less obvious triggers like
tone of voice, smells, orcertain other environmental
factors?
SPEAKER_03 (12:45):
Several years ago, we had a couple who were house
parents, but previously he hadbeen a preacher for several
years in a church, and they hada couple in their congregation
who became foster parents totheir grandson.
So it was a family placement.
The little boy was probablyaround six, and he comes to live
with them, and the first Sundaythey get up and they get ready
(13:07):
and they they go to church andeverything's fine.
The little boy goes to Sundayschool, he comes into church, he
sits down, and everything goeswell until the music starts.
And the little boy had acomplete meltdown, and he's
crying and screaming, and he'strying to jump up and run out of
the church, and they're tryingto calm him down and have him
say, and it it's chaos.
They they had to leave.
And so they started to frontload him for the next Sunday,
(13:30):
right?
On Sundays, we get up and go goto church.
Tomorrow's Sunday.
We're gonna get up, we're gonnaput our nice clothes on, you
know, step by step by step.
The little boy's fine.
He doesn't resist, he doesn'targue, he seems okay, right?
To go to church.
Everything is beautiful untilthe music starts.
They have to leave and take himhome again.
And so the next morning theycontacted the caseworker and
they said, Hey, you know, churchis a big part of our lives and
(13:51):
we want him to be involved inchurch, but he has this bizarre
reaction to church.
And so the caseworker came over,they sat down with the little
boy, and they knew that he hadbeen physically abused.
But what they didn't know isthat in order to cover that up,
his parents would turn the radioon really loud in their home
before they started the abuse.
So the neighbors couldn't hearhim cry.
And so because they werecurious, they were able to
(14:13):
identify what that trigger was,and it was loud music.
And he was only six, so hedidn't differentiate between,
you know, church music andcountry or church music and rock
or, you know, whatever they hadplayed.
But because they had thatinformation, they could start to
give him some control over hisenvironment.
And what they actually did isthey bought a radio and they
they let him pick the stationsand he had complete control over
(14:35):
it.
So he could turn it up, he couldturn it down, he could turn it
on, he could turn it off.
But they started to desensitizehim and as Chloe said earlier,
give him some control over thattrigger.
SPEAKER_04 (14:46):
You know, I think it's interesting because it
you're gonna have I have afriend who gets triggered every
May.
So she can't name it, but shestarts kind of getting extra
emotional.
She'll start crying and she'slike, What's going on?
I'm like, it's that time of yearagain, right?
She had a really, really tragicloss a couple of years ago in
May.
And so every May, April and May,she gets emotional.
And so it's one of those thingsthat we have to talk because
even as adults, sometimes wecan't recognize why am I having
(15:09):
what's what's going on with me?
Why am I struggling right now?
You know?
And so it is one of thosethings.
She starts to recognize she'smore emotional, but then she
can't really see it till aftershe's having emotional
responses.
SPEAKER_03 (15:19):
Yeah, and that's a great point because the
anniversary of a loss or a majorlife change can sometimes be a
trigger that we're not aware of.
SPEAKER_04 (15:25):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (15:26):
Right?
So all of a sudden May rollsaround and she's feeling very
unsettled and probably throughconversation with you is able
to, you know, bring it to herlevel of awareness.
Yeah.
We see that a lot with kids whomaybe some trauma happened when
they were young, the death of afamily member, maybe they were
in a car wreck, you know.
And so there's a book that wereference a lot here for
training on our campus calledThe Body Keep Score.
(15:48):
Basically, what they say is thatour body has memories of things
that occurred when we werelittle before we could verbalize
what those things were.
Right.
And even though you may havementally moved on, your body has
retained some of those nonverbalmemories.
And so it's important when everyMay rolls around for her to
identify that and to honor thatand be aware of that.
SPEAKER_04 (16:10):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (16:10):
I want to share one other story.
Several years ago, when when oneof my daughters was younger, she
was in a group of kids here onour campus and they had a trip
planned to town.
And the staff said it's gonna bea surprise day.
And so they didn't tell the kidswhere they were going or what
they were doing.
And so they had severaldifferent stops planned for the
day.
For example, they got finishedwith one stop early and they
(16:31):
went to the park, and the kidswere chaotic.
It was terrible because theywere so anxious about what was
next, right?
And so there was no frontloading and there was no
planning.
And so what the staff intendedto be a fun day created havoc in
the minds of the kids.
And the staff were kind offrustrated.
(16:52):
Their attitude was, we plannedthis fun day and y'all are
acting terrible, and it's noteven it's because surprises,
like Sam said, aren't alwaysgood.
And for a lot of kids who've hada trauma history, a surprise was
negative.
Surprise you woke up and nobodywas home but you as a as a small
child, right?
Surprise there's no food in thehouse, surprise the cops are at
your house.
(17:12):
And so, especially for kids witha trauma history, but I think
it's important for all kids toknow the plan.
A similar thing, you know, mydaughter, we have always lived
outside of a big town, right?
So we have to go to town to goto the grocery store, to go to
Walmart or whatever.
And so that's a trip, you know,that's a 30 to 45 minute trip.
(17:32):
You got to get all the errandsdone while you're there.
And she would just pester,what's next?
What's next?
Where are we going next?
And I was like, What does itmatter?
Like you're stuck in the car, weall have to do the errands, but
because she felt out of control.
And so finally I would hand herthe list of errands and I would
say, That was a good idea, wheredo you think we ought to go
next?
And sometimes she would pick alocation that wasn't convenient.
(17:54):
So I might point out, okay,these two are close together,
that one's across town, but Iwould give her control and it
completely changed those tripsto town when she felt like she
had some choice and somecontrol.
SPEAKER_00 (18:05):
So why is it equally important for parents to
understand their own emotionaltriggers?
SPEAKER_04 (18:10):
Because we're gonna have real strong reactions and I
feel like we're probably notgonna be at our best when we are
triggered.
And so I'm willing to recognizeit and step back when we are.
And I think that's why isbecause you're going to have it
and it's gonna hit you.
And I think the hardest partabout parenting is you don't
even know that it's gonna hityou until it does, and then
you're like, why is thatbothering me so bad?
SPEAKER_01 (18:31):
Well, you know, you can't really help people who are
dysregulated if you aredysregulated.
And you know, one of the otherthings is like I like for my
example, I know I can't controleverything.
I'm aware of that, right?
Now I plan what I can, right?
If I'm not the vacationer thatjust randomly does things, I'm
we're gonna I'm I know where I'mgoing every day.
SPEAKER_03 (18:47):
You are not spontaneous.
I'm not very spontaneous.
SPEAKER_01 (18:50):
My wife, my wife is, but I plan for that too.
Um but you know, you know, youhave to you have to just know,
right?
So I I can control what I can'tcontrol, and and be by that I
can stay in a calmer state,right?
Because you know, I know whereI'm going, I know my
destination, my route most ofthe time.
It I know that sounds excessive,but that's how I that's how I go
about my life.
Even at work, I I look at myschedule every morning, I know
(19:10):
what's happening.
I I was here 15 minutes earlytoday, right?
Got my coffee, all the all thethings need to go um so I can
stay in a place.
So if something surprises meright now, I'm still in a pretty
calm space.
I can probably manage it better.
The other part about beingdysregulated around your kids is
it's gonna happen, right?
And I think that discussion atthe end, you know, having that
discussion at the end, you know,I've I've had times where I've
(19:31):
kind of lost my mind a littlebit and I'm because I'm not
understanding what just happenedin in this event.
Then I go back and you know,when I was a house parent, I
could talk to kids in conflict,and I end up in conflict, and
I'm so I'm trying to talk toeverybody, see what was your
what was your thoughts and whatwas going on and what was your
thoughts, and then I got to tellthem my thoughts, and it's it
was really neat because it was aconflict between them and I
ended up in conflict, right?
Because they were then theyturned on me, and so it was a
(19:52):
real weird thing.
But the most powerful thing Igot out of that was the
conversation after that.
Hey, we we talked about weird,weird things like lines we don't
cross, which we I wouldn't, andthey don't they didn't know
about me, you know, like hey,let's just why don't we next
time we do XYZ and let's go?
And we had a really powerfulconversation which ended up
having us kind of be closer, youknow.
SPEAKER_03 (20:11):
I think it's important to understand the
difference between respondingand reacting.
So, you know, when you'retriggered by something, a
reaction is it comes from thelower parts of your brain.
You weren't you didn't planahead for it, right?
It catches you off guard.
And so typically you're gonnareact out of your emotional
brain.
So you may say or do thingsyou'll regret later.
(20:32):
Responding comes from yourcortex, the rational thinking
part of your brain.
And so that you've considered inadvance what could happen,
right?
And you've got a contingencyplan, right?
So that that you can respondfrom a calm brain, from a
cortex, from regulation.
And Sam talked about, you know,when when as a parent you're
dysregulated, you're gonnareact.
(20:54):
But if you can have a calm brainand be regulated, then you can
respond to that child.
And so, you know, really that'swhat we're trying to teach our
children is to respond ratherthan react.
And so we have to practice thatfor ourselves as adults, to the
ability to respond rather thanreact.
SPEAKER_00 (21:10):
Also, think about the concept of name it to tame
it.
If you know what your triggersare, then you can do something
about it.
Yeah.
And you can prepare for thosesituations.
And if you don't know what theyare, the kids will oftentimes
teach you what your triggersare.
So they will push that buttonevery single time because at
that point they can kind ofcontrol you.
So yeah, just figuring out whatit is and how you're gonna r
(21:32):
respond to it is important too.
So what does happen when aparent is triggered at the same
time as their child is?
SPEAKER_03 (21:38):
It could be chaos.
The parent, if the parent isunable to respond and they
react, then you've got twopeople in chaos.
And I think Sam said it earlier,then then who's there to provide
the calm?
But it does happen.
It does.
And for example, let's say thatyou are in a fender b fender
bender, and so the child mightbe scared and the adult is
scared, you know, and so it'snot uncommon that you could both
(22:01):
be triggered at the same time.
It's not irrational and it's notnecessarily a bad thing, but you
do have to remember that as theadult, you have way more access
to your cortex than they do,right?
You'll probably be able toaccess it sooner as the adult.
It it is up to you to get intothat cortex and provide a calm
brain as soon as possible.
SPEAKER_04 (22:20):
Like it's World War III.
You're both not your best self.
And so, like, it's just, andwe've all been there, and then
you know, and then you'refeeling all the guilt after
that, which I know we're gonnatalk about how to repair that.
So I think there is, but we'veall had situations where we're
triggered and the kidstriggered, and it's just not our
best self, either one of us.
SPEAKER_01 (22:38):
Power struggle, fight, flight, or freeze,
nobody's leading your survivalmode.
Because I I talk about yourbrain doesn't register the
difference.
It it's prepared to fight nomatter what's verbal, physical,
it it does the same thing.
It has a response to protectitself.
SPEAKER_00 (22:51):
Can you share an example of when a parent's
trigger unknowingly escalated asituation?
SPEAKER_04 (22:55):
So we see this a lot on campus with our kids and and
and a lot of times with theirfamilies.
So the family, they mightstruggle to pull back from the
family once they're placed here,or the f just not call, check
in.
And so that really taps into thefamily, like, I don't really
want to do this anymore, I'mdone.
I kind of, you don't you don'tcare for me, right?
It's tapping in to there, whichthen taps into the kid a feel of
(23:17):
more rejection because theyalready feel it.
And so then we're bothreinforcing our insecurities,
right?
That that neither one of us feelwanted or needed.
And so then it's kind of in thispower struggle, as Sam is
explained, that's one that itjust keeps everyone feels
inadequate, and so we justcontinue to pile on.
And I don't think that werealize that it's really
triggering stuff in each of us.
And so a lot of times itescalates to where then they're
(23:40):
completely strained and notspeaking.
And I'm so grateful for ourcasework department that it
helps facilitate that.
But I think that's some of whatwe see on campus.
SPEAKER_01 (23:48):
Yeah.
To build on Chloe's, you know,like when a kid back talks an
adult, right?
That's gonna that triggers aresponse.
Well, did they back talk me infront of other adults?
Now I have to do something aboutit.
And what is that?
That's about me, right?
So that's that's what it is.
It becomes about me.
Hey, they're you're not gonnatalk to me like that.
That's about me, not theirtrauma and their past.
That's one of the things theadults gotta get past.
(24:08):
Hey, it's not always about you,it's not personal.
They have a response for areason.
And going back to your example,when you're curious about it,
you can talk about it instead ofjust shutting it down.
Hey, you're not talking to melike that, and then you incite a
power struggle again becausethey're gonna have another
response for whatever reason itis, right?
SPEAKER_03 (24:24):
I think it's really common that an adult reprimands
or disciplines a child and thenthey get a smirk or possibly a
laugh.
Right.
And I think I think we've allwe've all been there, right?
And so your brain automaticallygoes, Oh, you think this is
funny?
I'll show you funny, right?
I I mean, as a parent, thosewords have been on the tip of my
tongue, possibly have come outof my mouth once or twice.
(24:44):
But that that is, you know, mybutton was pushed by that
child's response to my attemptto discipline them.
And then it automaticallyescalates, right?
And so as an adult, could Icould I catch that and recognize
that and see that what it, youknow, what it's truly about,
rather than that child's justbeing defiant, and I have got to
(25:06):
show that I'm the one incontrol.
Anytime you struggle for controlor you feel that should be a red
flag to you that you need tostep back and take a breath
before you go down a pathwaythat just escalates that power
struggle.
SPEAKER_00 (25:19):
How can a child's behavior or choices
unintentionally violate aparent's cherished belief or set
of values?
SPEAKER_04 (25:25):
Well, I I kind of love uncher like cherished
beliefs because I think it showsus a little bit about, but it's
the things that we just value tothe utmost ability to ourselves.
Like we just value it so much toour core that it's a part of who
we are.
So I don't love lying.
And my son is in this stageright now where he's kind of
like testing lies and he hasn'tdone that.
And so then I'm like, it wasfunny.
(25:45):
My sister, I remember callingand telling me he lied about
something very small, likeputting socks on or something.
And she was like, Oh, you wouldprobably did not handle that
well.
I said, I actually handled itbetter than I thought, but I
did.
It is like one of those things Ihad to recognize that that's
something in me that I very muchvalue honesty.
And so I had to watch myreaction.
And it is difficult because meand my husband both value that
highly.
And so we kind of have to tagteam it when our kids choose to
(26:08):
lie about the small things, butwe also want them to understand.
SPEAKER_03 (26:11):
So I think it's it's always important to remember
that the culture you are raisingyour children in is not the
culture you were raised in,right?
And so, you know, in 2025, it'svastly culturally different than
it was whenever you were in highschool, regardless of your age,
even if you're fairly recentlygraduated from high school,
right?
(26:32):
But it is a different culture,it is a different time.
And so kids are very susceptibleto peer pressure, they desire
belonging, they want to fit in.
And so they are functioning in away that obtains them belonging
in their peer group in 2025, notin 2005, right?
Or or 2000 or whenever you knowyou were functioning in that
(26:55):
time.
And so it's a different world,and you cannot expect them to
respond the way you did backthen or behave in the same way
you would have.
They have a different existenceand a different cultural
experience, and you you've gotto take that into consideration.
SPEAKER_00 (27:10):
I was listening to one of Dr.
Perry's recordings, and he wastalking about that, and he said
that it's it's a normal thing tohappen that kids are just gonna
do that because of the differentcultures.
But he actually gave me somehope.
He said that if you don't burnthose relationships, that by the
time they turn 20, 25, somewherein there, they're gonna come
back to what their foundationis.
But it's like you said, they'rejust part of it trying to find
(27:31):
that belonging in their orsocial group.
So have some patience and it'llit will get better.
SPEAKER_01 (27:36):
I really like how this question was structured
because it says how can theirbehavior choices unintentionally
violate?
They don't always do it onpurpose, but our a lot of times
our first thought is you know,and you you've done this, and
you know, so what's thedifference?
It's not like just breaking arule, right?
This cuts deep.
Like this is the thing I believein.
This is a no-nonsense thingabout my being and my core and
(27:58):
uh legacy and whatever.
And uh the kid just violatedthat thing, and that's why it it
feels so much more emotional andit feels personal, and that's
where we have to learn toseparate.
Hey, they're not always doingthat on purpose, and that's why
curiosity helps that.
Hey, what made you say or dothat?
Like you said with the lie, hey,what so what were you scared of
when you told that lie?
Yeah, and sometimes it's noteven they're not thinking.
Sure, yeah, put on socks andthey just want to run outside
(28:19):
and play.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, it it's not it's notintentional, right?
It's so it's kind of not alwaysintentional.
SPEAKER_04 (28:24):
Well, and that's what I think is inter my
four-year-old recently had thisinteresting dynamic, and she's
telling me about it as I'mgiving her a bath.
And I she met someone that shethought looked like a boy, but
it was a girl, so she decidedshe was just gonna ask.
So she's telling me that sheasked, which I and so I said,
Okay, well, what did what didshe tell you?
That she's a girl and that she'sa daughter.
And I said, Okay, so sis, it'sreal important now that she has
(28:45):
given you that response that youaccept that and you don't
continue to ask that question.
But it was hard for me becausein my mind, I'm like, you
shouldn't be out, you shouldjust like accept everyone,
right?
Because that's my belief is thatwe accept everyone we love on
everyone, but she is seriousjust curious and and very open
and honest and not afraid to askanything.
And so I but it was interestingbecause like it did hit me, and
I had to like step back and belike, okay, but I have to watch
(29:07):
how I respond to her becausethat is gonna be how she
continues to respond to otherpeople.
SPEAKER_01 (29:11):
And so you know, you know, I really like that because
that's also a conversation thathelps build confidence in a
child because I think curiosityis a good thing, right?
If we stifle that, they lose it.
You know what I mean?
There's there I I call them myanalogy is like candles, right?
People have lots of candles whenthey're young, they have lots of
options, and and when you snuffone out, it's very difficult to
relight that candle.
And so the curiosity isimportant.
(29:32):
That's what it's a survivalinstinct, right?
To be curious and check thingsout.
And so how you handled it, whyyou kind of just you keep the
candle burning, but also kind ofput a little one of those little
glasses around it and keep itsafe because hey, we need to ask
in appropriate ways and do that.
SPEAKER_03 (29:45):
But but the temptation for a lot of parents
would be oh, I can't believe yousaid that.
Don't say that.
Never say that again.
Right?
And so that it there again iswhere we have to keep our brains
calm.
And I think sometimes, just tobe honest, we're concerned that
whatever our child just said ordid.
Is a reflection on us.
Exactly.
Exactly.
So what have your parents taughtyou?
I think we have to set thataside and handle it.
(30:06):
You know, Chloe, like you did,ask some questions, just be
curious.
You know, your kids are alwaysgoing to say things to embarrass
you.
And that doesn't necessarilystop when they're grown.
I think too, those cherishedbeliefs, as our kids get older
and older and as they enter intoyoung adulthood and adulthood,
they have developed their ownmindset.
Now we've given them a strongfoundation of our cherished
(30:27):
beliefs, but we have tounderstand that they may choose
some different beliefs from us.
And that may be differentpolitical beliefs or different
religious beliefs, or, you know,and can we still maintain that
relationship, like Josh said,without breaking it?
You know, if you don't believewhat I believe, we're done.
Or, you know, can you have anopen, honest, respectful line of
(30:48):
communication, even though yourchild may have some different
ideas about the world than youdo?
Absolutely, yeah.
SPEAKER_04 (30:53):
I think it's so also reassuring because you can one
of the things I've told my kidsat their bedtime routine is
always like, is there anythingin this world that can make mom
not love you?
And and so, and we talk aboutno, there's not, like mom is
your mom and she will alwayslove you.
But recently, which my husbandis not a warm and fuzzy person,
but recently he started askingthem, what do you think that
daddy believes about you?
And so that's his question thathe asks them at night.
(31:16):
And so essentially we both havetried to instill in them some of
like even just our viewpointbecause we want them to know
that no matter what, if you doview differently or you make
different choices, that you canalways come back.
SPEAKER_03 (31:28):
You know, that is so powerful, and your children are
are young, but I think thatwould be just as powerful for us
to ask children all along theway.
SPEAKER_04 (31:35):
All along the way.
SPEAKER_03 (31:36):
All along the way.
I think I think kids have a fearthat I could do something that
would cause you not to love meor not to accept me, or they may
not be aware of the things thatyou love about them.
And I love both of thosequestions, Chloe.
And I would just recommend tolisteners ask your kids those
questions, regardless of how oldthey are.
Yeah.
I'll go ask my 30-year-old andI'll let you know what she says.
SPEAKER_00 (31:56):
Um, how can grace and forgiveness play a role in
repairing connection after atriggering moment?
SPEAKER_04 (32:01):
I mean, I think it's huge.
I think a lot of times we haveto have it for ourselves too.
I say that before, but genuinelyI'm my biggest critic.
And so I think when we stepback, I'm I'm so upset with
myself, but I try to alsoexplain as much as I can
appropriately to my kids why momresponded wrong or too strong.
But then also tell them that,you know, and ask them.
I ask them, like, do you forgivemom?
(32:23):
I like allow them to have powerin that because sometimes they
could say, No, I need somespace.
I was we were laughing at myfive-year-old last or
six-year-old at dinner lastnight.
My husband was pestering him andknocking him at dinner, and he
said, Are you out of controlright now?
And I was like so proud of himbecause we were like, Oh, he's
setting a boundary, but it'syour son said that to you.
He said that to his dad, andhe's like, You're out of
(32:43):
control, and we're eatingdinner.
Like, but we were like, Oh, he'slike getting some, you know,
like he's comfortable enough tolike set a boundary.
And so I think that is by graceand forgiveness that you can
kind of open, be open.
SPEAKER_03 (32:54):
I think asking a child for forgiveness is one of
the most powerful things thatyou can do.
I think that that has furtheredmy relationship with my own
children, but also a lot ofchildren I've worked with here
on our campus when I've had togo to them and apologize.
You know, I was short-temperedor I made a decision before I
had all the information or Ijumped to a conclusion.
(33:15):
It's unexpected, but it's it'swhat I want them to be able to
do, right?
I'm setting the example for whatI want them to be able to do is
to own my beh, you know, ownyour behavior, make repairs when
you've done something wrong.
And I just think it's incrediblypowerful when we as the adult
take that first step.
SPEAKER_01 (33:32):
I mean, it's like repentance, right?
You realize you made a mistake.
Doesn't excuse what I did,right?
But I think the discussion ispowerful.
I mean, I and I think parentsrealize more than they know.
I mean, I think, I mean, me thathaving already raised my kids,
no, I got a certain amount ofguilt about some things.
Like, hey, I could have donethis better.
You know, what's interestingthough, and I raised a bunch of
kids here as well, and being anadult and knowing the things I
(33:55):
know now, I I that I thinkthat's what creates the guilt,
is that I've learned somedifferent things, and then I go
and say, dang it, you know, I II messed that up, I messed that
up.
The interesting part about it iswhen you talk to the young
people, if you've given them waybetter experiences than bad
experiences, they remember thosemore.
I'm sure that there's sometriggering events that may I
(34:15):
maybe I have caused, you know,uh, with an outburst or
something.
But what I know is they're notafraid of me.
They they you know, they stillcall.
You know, my my kids call.
Hey dad, you were a good dad,kind of thing.
Hopefully on Father's Day I'llhear that.
And you know what I mean?
So it's really kind of cool, butyou you're playing with the
tools you have, right?
You hear with the toys you haveand uh but when you know better,
you do better.
That's exactly right.
SPEAKER_03 (34:36):
Right, and and I think we've all learned that.
And so if you're a parentlistening, when you know better,
do better, but give yourselfgrace and forgiveness too.
The thing is, parenting didn'tcome with a manual, right?
And and you know, when you'veparented that first child and
you think you know what you'redoing, you're tempted to have a
second child, and that child'scompletely different, right?
And so you you are learning asyou go, and at each stage of the
(34:58):
game that you've never had atoddler before, then you've
never had an elementary kidbefore, or a preteen, or a
teenager, or a young adult, youknow, and so at every stage of
the game, you're learning on thefly.
Do the do the best you can, giveyourself grace and forgiveness.
SPEAKER_01 (35:13):
Absolutely.
You know, and I think it our ourum making it right models
accountability for them becauseright, that's what I want them
to be able to do at some pointis hey, we're gonna mess up.
You can own that, and it's gonnabe okay.
It's not gonna be okay withevery person you make right, but
you do your part.
You do your part.
And I think that that was alwaysimportant.
That's actually a high value forme, is is making things right
when you when you mess up.
And I think my kids have that inthem as well.
SPEAKER_00 (35:35):
So, what does it look like to model emotional
regulation and humility for yourkids after you've been
triggered?
SPEAKER_03 (35:40):
Chloe, I think you've given some great examples
of this in previous podcastswhere you've said to your kids,
hey, mom needs a minute.
And you know, you've let themknow, hey, you're gonna stay
here with dad while mom goes ona walk by herself, or you know,
so but you're naming it.
You're not just walking out andthey have, oh, mom's mad and she
walked out, right?
You're saying I'm upset or I'mfrustrated, I need a moment to
(36:02):
cool off.
And I just think you've you'vedone a great job of being
intentional with that.
SPEAKER_04 (36:06):
Yeah, I think it's just even verbalizing it no
matter what age your kid is,because I think that even how
even as they get older, you'regonna have different triggers,
right?
And so I think just trying toverbalize, hey, I need a minute,
or I can't have thatconversation with you right now,
or all those things, but I wantto, you know, like naming when
you're gonna be able to, or Iwant to come back, or I will
come back, and improving thathas been, and so a lot of things
(36:28):
too.
I I mean, I'm real open with mykids about hey, mom's like when
mom's stress workouts help her,which is why mom works out, but
it's also good for my body.
And so I really try to like beover, overly share about all the
things I utilize um just so thatthey're aware of of how I help
myself regulate so that they canutilize some of that.
Recently, my my son had a wildoutburst that he hadn't had in
years.
(36:49):
And so I remember we like wentthrough it, I gave him space, he
said he wanted to be in hisroom, all the things.
And so then we came back andtalked.
And then I said, okay, let nowthat we're calm, let's talk
about how we could have handledit differently and what ways we
need to do it next time.
And so that was one of the otherthings is I tried really hard to
be calm in that moment, eventhough it was very difficult
because I hadn't seen him thatfrustrated, and it was all of
something small.
(37:09):
But we talked about like, hey,these go to your room, take a
deep breath, play with yourtoys, and then come back, or if
you want to talk to mommy or gofor a walk, those are all
options.
So even the next day, my husbandhad been at work during it, and
so the next day he asked him andhe said, Yeah, but me and mom
talked, and these are all theways I could have handled it
differently.
And so we talked again, youknow, and and then even now
randomly when we're driving,it's like, hey, Bubba, how do we
(37:30):
help ourselves when we'refrustrated?
And just trying to give himthose tools because what we know
is a lot of times it is hard toget to our calm brain.
And so the more that we can talkabout how to utilize it when we
are when we are calm, maybe wecan tap into that when we are
frustrated.
SPEAKER_01 (37:42):
Yeah, yeah, I like that.
I think what one of the things Ithought was that I've heard this
crisis is opportunity.
I think crisis and conflict areboth opportunity and they're
unavoidable.
They're gonna happen, right?
They're gonna happen with thecreated, whether you create it
or someone creates it, orhowever it goes, right?
The it's an opportunity, right?
So when I when I have anopportunity, I also, like you
(38:03):
said, I have time to stop,collect my thoughts.
I don't have to make it rightthis minute, but I do gotta make
it right.
So collect my thoughts.
Hey, I overreacted earlier.
That wasn't fair to you, right?
So, what does that model forthem, right?
So shows them that adults makemistakes.
We make mistakes too.
We're not perfect.
Here's how we fix it, and thenuh and then we model it and it
builds resilience and emotionalmaturity in kids.
(38:23):
Which like we're not alwaysthere, but when we can be, the
more we can model that piece,the more they'll maybe exhibit
that piece.
SPEAKER_03 (38:30):
That's again one of the things we teach our staff
are to identify triggers andearly warning signs or reverse
that, right?
Notice early warning signs andthen identify triggers.
But the final piece of that isto develop strategies to to
return to a sense of calm onceyou've been triggered.
And so helping kids figure outwhat those strategies are,
because just like everybody hasindividual triggers, everybody
(38:53):
has individual strategies,right?
And so for some people that'slistening to calm music or
taking a walk or playing with afidget or bouncing a ball or,
you know, whatever it is, butit's different based on that
child that child's centralnervous system, but also maybe
on their age, right?
And so what works for a childwhen they're six may not work
when they're 16.
(39:13):
But but like Chloe, you'reverbalizing those things to your
kids when they're young, whichmeans you'll be able to continue
to have that conversation, youknow, throughout their life is
what what things help you returnto a sense of calmness.
And even how would you know whatdoes calm feel like?
Right.
So just like you had a greatconversation with your son about
naming those feelings that werenervousness, having those
(39:33):
conversations where you talkabout what so what does calm
feel like could also be reallybeneficial.
Yeah, that's good.
SPEAKER_00 (39:38):
All right, thank you so much for listening today.
I hope it won't be tootriggering to ask you, but
please subscribe to this podcastor recommend this podcast to a
friend or family member.
Until next time, remember, youmight have to loan out your
frontal lobes today.
Just make sure you get themback.
SPEAKER_02 (39:52):
Thank you for listening to Brain Based
Parenting.
We hope you enjoyed this show.
If you would like moreinformation about Cal Farley's
Boys Ranch, are interested inemployment, would like
information about placing yourchild, or would like to help us
help children by donating to ourmission, please visit
calfarly.org.
You can find us on all socialmedia platforms by searching for
(40:15):
CalFarley's.
Thank you for spending your timewith us and have a blessed day.
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys
Ranch podcast for families.
We all know how hard being aparent is, and sometimes it
feels like there are no goodanswers to the difficult
questions families have whentheir kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be totry and answer some of those
tough questions, utilizing theknowledge, experience, and
(00:21):
professional training CalFarley's Boys Ranch has to
offer.
Now here is your host, CalFarley Staff Development
Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.
SPEAKER_00 (00:30):
Hello and welcome.
Today we're going to discuss howknowing your and your kids'
triggers will help improve yourrelationships with them.
SPEAKER_03 (00:36):
To do that today, I'm joined by Suzanne Wright,
Vice President of Training andIntervention.
Chloe Hewitt, Youth ProgramsAdministrator.
SPEAKER_01 (00:43):
Sam Cerna, Assistant Administrator of Residential
Communities.
SPEAKER_00 (00:46):
All right, for our question of the day, since we're
talking about triggers, what isyour biggest trigger?
SPEAKER_03 (00:51):
Okay, well, the group of people sitting in this
room with me know that mybiggest trigger is a snake.
And it doesn't matter what kindof snake, a garden snake and a
python are the same to me.
A six-inch snake and a six-footsnake are the same to me.
I'm terrified.
I can't look at pictures.
I can't see one on TV.
Big trigger.
SPEAKER_04 (01:09):
I thought long and hard about this.
I think manipulation is mybiggest trigger.
And so I really struggle inrelationships if I feel like
there's manipulation or if Ifeel like people aren't just
being transparent.
SPEAKER_01 (01:20):
I struggle with surprises.
I don't like really beingsurprised or like people jumping
out and trying to scare me andthings like that.
SPEAKER_00 (01:27):
So I've had a different trigger before I drove
to work today, but then Irealized driving to work today,
I have a really bad trigger.
And that's when you're drivingbehind someone who's really,
really, really slow, and thenyou finally get to a passing
lane and you start to pass them,and then all of a sudden they
speed up and don't let you passthem.
I may have had a little bit of arage problem on the way to work
today.
All right, so maybe we shouldtalk about what are triggers.
(01:50):
So what do we mean when we saytriggers in the context of
parenting and child behavior?
SPEAKER_04 (01:55):
So what I think is it taps into something from our
past that can cause us to havean egg a stronger emotional
response than we normally wouldbecause of whatever has happened
in our past or something that wehave had happen to us.
And so normally we could becalmer, but we can't.
SPEAKER_03 (02:09):
It's anything that you experience that makes you
feel angry or upset or agitatedor or fearful.
And sometimes your responseseems irrational to the event,
but that's because of exactlywhat Chloe said.
It it's tied to something inyour past.
Yeah.
Something, something you haveexperienced before.
SPEAKER_01 (02:29):
Yeah, and an interesting thing is sometimes
you don't even know about it.
Like you don't actually knowwhat's creating the anger.
Yeah, very commonly.
SPEAKER_00 (02:37):
So why is it important for parents to
recognize their children'semotional or behavioral
triggers?
SPEAKER_03 (02:42):
You know, kids don't always have the the maturity or
the cortex development, right,to handle exposure to a trigger.
And so as the parent, it'shelpful if we're aware and then
we can help help the childmanage their reaction to that
and provide some emotionalregulation for them.
SPEAKER_04 (03:00):
Yeah, I think we're all individuals and we have to
be attuned to what makes us feelunsettled.
But the difficult part with thekids is they can't always have
that awareness.
So then it's us trying to helpthem have awareness, name what
is going on, or even assistingthem to become aware, which can
be very difficult.
SPEAKER_01 (03:16):
Yeah.
So also, you know, like kind ofin my example of being
surprised, you know, you don'twant to really surprise your
kids.
So it helped uh the parents tounderstand when things are
changing or preparing for achange, that you can see that
this is affecting my child in away.
So you can also plan how how yougo from there earlier than you
would normally Yeah, like in ourenvironment, we call that front
loading.
SPEAKER_03 (03:35):
Right.
So that if there are going to bechanges in the daily schedule or
the environment that we tell thekids as far in advance as
possible so that they're notstartled or caught off guard and
they have time to acclimate oradjust to that change.
SPEAKER_04 (03:49):
Yeah, I love that.
You know, with my daughter,she's so funny.
Every day, the night before theday, she's like, What are we
doing tomorrow?
What's on our schedule?
Like, and it's always been apart of us because I that's how
I am, is we I always havefrontloaded them forever.
And so I'm like, Yes, we'regoing to go to ranch, and this
is what our day is gonna looklike, and this is what we have
after.
And so that way they can knowwhat to expect because they
(04:10):
really do better when they'refront-loaded.
But so do we.
I mean, if we're honest withourselves, we want to know how
our schedule is gonna play outtoo.
A hundred percent.
SPEAKER_00 (04:18):
So maybe it'll be helpful if we give some
examples.
So, what are some commontriggers in children, especially
those who've experienced traumaor chronic stress?
SPEAKER_04 (04:25):
If we don't front load our like kids that have had
some trauma or even chronicstress, you see this real
extreme response in because theyaren't getting what they
expected.
Uh, when I was first incasework, one of my first plans
of service, which is just kindof sitting down with a kid
talking about their goals, and Ididn't tell the kid.
Well, he kind of was always akid in trouble.
And so what happened was Ishowed up to the house and said,
Hey, we're gonna do your meetingtoday.
(04:47):
And he literally chunked hisskateboard at my head.
But because they had beentelling him all week he couldn't
write it, and he finally gotpermission to write it, and then
I show up and said, We're gonnahave this meeting.
And so I think that was like oneof the things that I learned was
that was my mistake.
If I had told him about it, thenmaybe he could have been set up
for success, right?
And so I took some blame in thatsituation that I didn't front
load.
SPEAKER_03 (05:07):
You know, for some kids, it could be loud noises or
it could be darkness or a stormor bedtime.
It's so individualized that itreally depends on each child's
unique and individual history.
It may be, you know, aconversation you have with them,
or it may just be your awarenessas a parent of what they've gone
(05:28):
through.
You know, and so you're you'reknowledgeable about that child's
history and then you see themhaving a reaction that you
think, wow, this is out ofcontext, it's it's up to you to
be curious about what that cluewas, right?
What that event or object orsmell or situation was that
might be related somehow to aprevious event.
SPEAKER_04 (05:49):
I think a lot of times it can look too like if
they haven't had a lot of say.
And so sometimes if you can givethem choices, that also can help
with those triggers.
Because a lot of times they'regonna look for power in
inappropriate ways.
But then really we need to lookat ways we can give them the
power because their whole lifethey might have not had say over
maybe their body or where theylived or where what they ate.
(06:10):
And so, and when we can givethem some of that, it's very
beneficial because that can alsobe a trigger when they aren't
having a say in how their dayplays out or what they're doing
or where they live or anythinglike that.
SPEAKER_01 (06:21):
Yeah, even things as something simple as a smell, you
know, in vi certainenvironments.
Um, some for some kids also acalm environment can create a
trigger because somethingsometimes things can happen in
the quiet.
So you just you never reallyknow all the time what it is.
SPEAKER_00 (06:35):
So, what might be some early warning signs that a
child is being triggered and howcan parents tune into those cues
before things escalate?
SPEAKER_03 (06:42):
Again, I think that's really individualized.
But just when you see a childwho looks agitated or
frustrated, or they're behavingin a way they don't normally
behave.
A talkative child is reallyquiet, or a quiet child becomes
really animated.
Those are some clues.
And you know, you know yourkids, you know their baseline.
You're able to see changes intheir facial expressions or
(07:04):
their body language that letsyou know something's not okay.
SPEAKER_04 (07:08):
Well, and I think we do that even with, you know,
staff or even with not justkids.
Like you can usually sense,like, oh, that was a strong
reaction.
Like, what was that about,right?
And so I think the way to beattuned to it is to just be
curious about it, right?
And say, like, hey, I noticedthat you seem short today.
I just wanted to check, like, iseverything okay?
Right.
And just asking, or hey, Inoticed you were quiet, like
giving them some of those cuesbecause a lot of times they're
(07:30):
willing to talk about it if it'sacknowledged, but sometimes they
can't put a name to it orunderstand.
So I think it's also powerful tojust give them a space to do it,
and it might not be that sameday, it might be a different
day.
SPEAKER_01 (07:41):
It's important to track it too.
Like if if you if you startnoticing a pattern, maybe
there's something going on therethat you don't know about.
You know, it's interesting to mebecause you know, like, you
know, although young kids arecould be with us all the time,
they might not be.
You know, they go to otherenvironments and you don't act,
you know, always know what'shappened or how other kids
interact with them or otheradults even in, you know, from
school to daycare and all thesethings.
(08:02):
So you know, you don't alwaysknow.
So when you go to a place andsomething gets weird, like they
start acting silly and that'snot normal or uh things like
that.
I think that's one of the thingsyou can start paying attention
and find patterns.
I I also read somewhere, uhlisten, listen with your eyes,
you know, that always they'renot they're not they may not be
capable or they're not going totell you what's the matter.
So but you can notice thosethings, notice those shifts.
SPEAKER_03 (08:22):
Well, and I think too, kids, kids can't always
identify their emotion or theirfeeling.
And so Chloe's comment aboutsaying, Hey, I notice, and then
describe the behavior that younotice and help the child learn
to identify what that is.
We teach our staff here oncampus to notice triggers and
then identify early warningsigns.
(08:43):
And we talk about the fact thatfrequently you're gonna see the
early warning sign first andhave to work your way back to
figure out what that trigger is.
And so you are identifying that,naming, hey, I noticed that
you're fidgety or you have afrown on your face, or you know,
whatever that is, and thenyou're asking questions to help
lead that child to some insightabout what that trigger might
(09:04):
have been.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_04 (09:05):
It's so interesting because this this week I kind of
had a little bit of this with myoldest, and and we they got to
go to a new place for like someSundays, and the first day was
Tuesday, and he was like notwanting to get out of bed, and
he was kind of fighting me aboutit, but I knew he was excited
because they were like doingsnow cones and like making fun
activities for him.
So then we get in the car and hewas like, I don't, I'm I this is
dumb.
I'm not going.
(09:25):
And I said, Hey, what's goingon?
Like what what and he said,Well, I it's just kind of new.
And I said, Are you and I said,Okay, well, I think you're
feeling nervous.
He said, Well, what's nervous?
And so we named it and we talkedabout it.
And then, you know, my myyoungest is in the car, my
four-year-old listening, andthen she goes, Well, I'm nervous
about having a differentteacher.
And so then we talked, like shegot to name it and then talk
about, but he was nervous aboutthe peers, like, hey, I'm gonna
(09:47):
have a different class and newpeople.
And and so I think that it issometimes they don't have the
word for even the emotionthey're feeling, but they know
something is unsettled.
SPEAKER_03 (09:55):
I just don't think we can underestimate the
importance of being curious.
And I think as adults, wefrequently think we know.
We know what they're feeling, weknow, and and we don't take the
time to be curious and to askthose questions, just like
Chloe's example, right?
Her son didn't have the abilityto to identify nervousness or to
explain what that was.
(10:15):
And if she had just said, Hey,this is on the schedule today, I
don't want to hear it, you'regonna go.
Right.
She would have shut down hisemotion and not recognized it.
And my guess is, Chloe, that atthe end of that conversation,
once you'd acknowledged hisfeeling and he understood this
is a common feeling, it has aname, that he was more willing
to go.
SPEAKER_04 (10:34):
Yeah, we actually talked about something I was
nervous about, like a changethat's coming for us.
Yeah.
And I said, Well, mom's reallynervous about this at work.
And so then we all talked aboutsomething that made us nervous.
And then I said, Hey, we'regonna walk you in.
But I was gonna say too,depending on the day, it could
have gotten a differentresponse.
I did have it, you know, becausethere are times that it's really
hard to be curious, likedepending on what I have going
on in my own life, or like if meand my husband were in a fight,
(10:57):
or if I'm trying to get to workon time, right?
Like it depends on what all Ihave going on, if I'm doing a
good job of being curious.
And so all that to say is Ithink I say this a lot, but take
a breath and then go into itbecause you want to get it
right, and you're not alwaysgonna get it right.
It depends on, I say, like whenmy four-year-old loses it at
Walmart, it's not getting thebest version of me because I'm
like super anxious and I feelpeople watching me, and so I'm
(11:18):
not always the most therapeuticor curious in that moment, and I
can recognize that.
SPEAKER_01 (11:22):
Yeah, that goes back to some of our other podcasts,
right?
You prepare yourself, how do youengage, right?
How do you calm yourself andthings like that preparing
because you know you're gonnapick up your kids at some point,
right?
So, okay, I gotta be in thespace to pick up my kids, right?
And so you're right, it's notalways possible.
Gosh, there's so much going onin people's lives and things
like that.
But but I was thinking aboutyour your um the way you handle
(11:43):
the asking, right?
And because you're you're tryingto understand them, right?
Because it's easy for a parentjust to judge a kid, like, oh,
you're just being dramatic orwhatever.
You know, the those dismissivethings that it's so easy because
we are busy, our our minds aresomewhere else.
It makes it very difficult justto try to understand that it
curiosity invites connectioninstead of control, right?
So when I want when I needsomebody to just do what I need,
(12:04):
I'm controlling them.
But the other way, like you whatyou just your example, you're
connecting with your kids thatway.
It's really cool.
SPEAKER_00 (12:11):
I think it's interesting.
Our brains, how they work, isthey automatically assume that
everyone else's brains see theworld exactly the same way that
it does unless told differently.
So if you're curious, when a kidstarts having a like meltdown or
something like that, you canactually wonder what's changed
in the environment.
Whereas uh what we normally dowith our brains is like, what's
wrong with you?
Why are you acting so dumb?
Nothing, you know?
(12:31):
But yeah, being curious, kind ofinstead of wanting to just yell
at them or punish them, likewhat's what's different?
Then we can actually dosomething to help them regulate.
How can parents identify hiddenor less obvious triggers like
tone of voice, smells, orcertain other environmental
factors?
SPEAKER_03 (12:45):
Several years ago, we had a couple who were house
parents, but previously he hadbeen a preacher for several
years in a church, and they hada couple in their congregation
who became foster parents totheir grandson.
So it was a family placement.
The little boy was probablyaround six, and he comes to live
with them, and the first Sundaythey get up and they get ready
(13:07):
and they they go to church andeverything's fine.
The little boy goes to Sundayschool, he comes into church, he
sits down, and everything goeswell until the music starts.
And the little boy had acomplete meltdown, and he's
crying and screaming, and he'strying to jump up and run out of
the church, and they're tryingto calm him down and have him
say, and it it's chaos.
They they had to leave.
And so they started to frontload him for the next Sunday,
(13:30):
right?
On Sundays, we get up and go goto church.
Tomorrow's Sunday.
We're gonna get up, we're gonnaput our nice clothes on, you
know, step by step by step.
The little boy's fine.
He doesn't resist, he doesn'targue, he seems okay, right?
To go to church.
Everything is beautiful untilthe music starts.
They have to leave and take himhome again.
And so the next morning theycontacted the caseworker and
they said, Hey, you know, churchis a big part of our lives and
(13:51):
we want him to be involved inchurch, but he has this bizarre
reaction to church.
And so the caseworker came over,they sat down with the little
boy, and they knew that he hadbeen physically abused.
But what they didn't know isthat in order to cover that up,
his parents would turn the radioon really loud in their home
before they started the abuse.
So the neighbors couldn't hearhim cry.
And so because they werecurious, they were able to
(14:13):
identify what that trigger was,and it was loud music.
And he was only six, so hedidn't differentiate between,
you know, church music andcountry or church music and rock
or, you know, whatever they hadplayed.
But because they had thatinformation, they could start to
give him some control over hisenvironment.
And what they actually did isthey bought a radio and they
they let him pick the stationsand he had complete control over
(14:35):
it.
So he could turn it up, he couldturn it down, he could turn it
on, he could turn it off.
But they started to desensitizehim and as Chloe said earlier,
give him some control over thattrigger.
SPEAKER_04 (14:46):
You know, I think it's interesting because it
you're gonna have I have afriend who gets triggered every
May.
So she can't name it, but shestarts kind of getting extra
emotional.
She'll start crying and she'slike, What's going on?
I'm like, it's that time of yearagain, right?
She had a really, really tragicloss a couple of years ago in
May.
And so every May, April and May,she gets emotional.
And so it's one of those thingsthat we have to talk because
even as adults, sometimes wecan't recognize why am I having
(15:09):
what's what's going on with me?
Why am I struggling right now?
You know?
And so it is one of thosethings.
She starts to recognize she'smore emotional, but then she
can't really see it till aftershe's having emotional
responses.
SPEAKER_03 (15:19):
Yeah, and that's a great point because the
anniversary of a loss or a majorlife change can sometimes be a
trigger that we're not aware of.
SPEAKER_04 (15:25):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (15:26):
Right?
So all of a sudden May rollsaround and she's feeling very
unsettled and probably throughconversation with you is able
to, you know, bring it to herlevel of awareness.
Yeah.
We see that a lot with kids whomaybe some trauma happened when
they were young, the death of afamily member, maybe they were
in a car wreck, you know.
And so there's a book that wereference a lot here for
training on our campus calledThe Body Keep Score.
(15:48):
Basically, what they say is thatour body has memories of things
that occurred when we werelittle before we could verbalize
what those things were.
Right.
And even though you may havementally moved on, your body has
retained some of those nonverbalmemories.
And so it's important when everyMay rolls around for her to
identify that and to honor thatand be aware of that.
SPEAKER_04 (16:10):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (16:10):
I want to share one other story.
Several years ago, when when oneof my daughters was younger, she
was in a group of kids here onour campus and they had a trip
planned to town.
And the staff said it's gonna bea surprise day.
And so they didn't tell the kidswhere they were going or what
they were doing.
And so they had severaldifferent stops planned for the
day.
For example, they got finishedwith one stop early and they
(16:31):
went to the park, and the kidswere chaotic.
It was terrible because theywere so anxious about what was
next, right?
And so there was no frontloading and there was no
planning.
And so what the staff intendedto be a fun day created havoc in
the minds of the kids.
And the staff were kind offrustrated.
(16:52):
Their attitude was, we plannedthis fun day and y'all are
acting terrible, and it's noteven it's because surprises,
like Sam said, aren't alwaysgood.
And for a lot of kids who've hada trauma history, a surprise was
negative.
Surprise you woke up and nobodywas home but you as a as a small
child, right?
Surprise there's no food in thehouse, surprise the cops are at
your house.
(17:12):
And so, especially for kids witha trauma history, but I think
it's important for all kids toknow the plan.
A similar thing, you know, mydaughter, we have always lived
outside of a big town, right?
So we have to go to town to goto the grocery store, to go to
Walmart or whatever.
And so that's a trip, you know,that's a 30 to 45 minute trip.
(17:32):
You got to get all the errandsdone while you're there.
And she would just pester,what's next?
What's next?
Where are we going next?
And I was like, What does itmatter?
Like you're stuck in the car, weall have to do the errands, but
because she felt out of control.
And so finally I would hand herthe list of errands and I would
say, That was a good idea, wheredo you think we ought to go
next?
And sometimes she would pick alocation that wasn't convenient.
(17:54):
So I might point out, okay,these two are close together,
that one's across town, but Iwould give her control and it
completely changed those tripsto town when she felt like she
had some choice and somecontrol.
SPEAKER_00 (18:05):
So why is it equally important for parents to
understand their own emotionaltriggers?
SPEAKER_04 (18:10):
Because we're gonna have real strong reactions and I
feel like we're probably notgonna be at our best when we are
triggered.
And so I'm willing to recognizeit and step back when we are.
And I think that's why isbecause you're going to have it
and it's gonna hit you.
And I think the hardest partabout parenting is you don't
even know that it's gonna hityou until it does, and then
you're like, why is thatbothering me so bad?
SPEAKER_01 (18:31):
Well, you know, you can't really help people who are
dysregulated if you aredysregulated.
And you know, one of the otherthings is like I like for my
example, I know I can't controleverything.
I'm aware of that, right?
Now I plan what I can, right?
If I'm not the vacationer thatjust randomly does things, I'm
we're gonna I'm I know where I'mgoing every day.
SPEAKER_03 (18:47):
You are not spontaneous.
I'm not very spontaneous.
SPEAKER_01 (18:50):
My wife, my wife is, but I plan for that too.
Um but you know, you know, youhave to you have to just know,
right?
So I I can control what I can'tcontrol, and and be by that I
can stay in a calmer state,right?
Because you know, I know whereI'm going, I know my
destination, my route most ofthe time.
It I know that sounds excessive,but that's how I that's how I go
about my life.
Even at work, I I look at myschedule every morning, I know
(19:10):
what's happening.
I I was here 15 minutes earlytoday, right?
Got my coffee, all the all thethings need to go um so I can
stay in a place.
So if something surprises meright now, I'm still in a pretty
calm space.
I can probably manage it better.
The other part about beingdysregulated around your kids is
it's gonna happen, right?
And I think that discussion atthe end, you know, having that
discussion at the end, you know,I've I've had times where I've
(19:31):
kind of lost my mind a littlebit and I'm because I'm not
understanding what just happenedin in this event.
Then I go back and you know,when I was a house parent, I
could talk to kids in conflict,and I end up in conflict, and
I'm so I'm trying to talk toeverybody, see what was your
what was your thoughts and whatwas going on and what was your
thoughts, and then I got to tellthem my thoughts, and it's it
was really neat because it was aconflict between them and I
ended up in conflict, right?
Because they were then theyturned on me, and so it was a
(19:52):
real weird thing.
But the most powerful thing Igot out of that was the
conversation after that.
Hey, we we talked about weird,weird things like lines we don't
cross, which we I wouldn't, andthey don't they didn't know
about me, you know, like hey,let's just why don't we next
time we do XYZ and let's go?
And we had a really powerfulconversation which ended up
having us kind of be closer, youknow.
SPEAKER_03 (20:11):
I think it's important to understand the
difference between respondingand reacting.
So, you know, when you'retriggered by something, a
reaction is it comes from thelower parts of your brain.
You weren't you didn't planahead for it, right?
It catches you off guard.
And so typically you're gonnareact out of your emotional
brain.
So you may say or do thingsyou'll regret later.
(20:32):
Responding comes from yourcortex, the rational thinking
part of your brain.
And so that you've considered inadvance what could happen,
right?
And you've got a contingencyplan, right?
So that that you can respondfrom a calm brain, from a
cortex, from regulation.
And Sam talked about, you know,when when as a parent you're
dysregulated, you're gonnareact.
(20:54):
But if you can have a calm brainand be regulated, then you can
respond to that child.
And so, you know, really that'swhat we're trying to teach our
children is to respond ratherthan react.
And so we have to practice thatfor ourselves as adults, to the
ability to respond rather thanreact.
SPEAKER_00 (21:10):
Also, think about the concept of name it to tame
it.
If you know what your triggersare, then you can do something
about it.
Yeah.
And you can prepare for thosesituations.
And if you don't know what theyare, the kids will oftentimes
teach you what your triggersare.
So they will push that buttonevery single time because at
that point they can kind ofcontrol you.
So yeah, just figuring out whatit is and how you're gonna r
(21:32):
respond to it is important too.
So what does happen when aparent is triggered at the same
time as their child is?
SPEAKER_03 (21:38):
It could be chaos.
The parent, if the parent isunable to respond and they
react, then you've got twopeople in chaos.
And I think Sam said it earlier,then then who's there to provide
the calm?
But it does happen.
It does.
And for example, let's say thatyou are in a fender b fender
bender, and so the child mightbe scared and the adult is
scared, you know, and so it'snot uncommon that you could both
(22:01):
be triggered at the same time.
It's not irrational and it's notnecessarily a bad thing, but you
do have to remember that as theadult, you have way more access
to your cortex than they do,right?
You'll probably be able toaccess it sooner as the adult.
It it is up to you to get intothat cortex and provide a calm
brain as soon as possible.
SPEAKER_04 (22:20):
Like it's World War III.
You're both not your best self.
And so, like, it's just, andwe've all been there, and then
you know, and then you'refeeling all the guilt after
that, which I know we're gonnatalk about how to repair that.
So I think there is, but we'veall had situations where we're
triggered and the kidstriggered, and it's just not our
best self, either one of us.
SPEAKER_01 (22:38):
Power struggle, fight, flight, or freeze,
nobody's leading your survivalmode.
Because I I talk about yourbrain doesn't register the
difference.
It it's prepared to fight nomatter what's verbal, physical,
it it does the same thing.
It has a response to protectitself.
SPEAKER_00 (22:51):
Can you share an example of when a parent's
trigger unknowingly escalated asituation?
SPEAKER_04 (22:55):
So we see this a lot on campus with our kids and and
and a lot of times with theirfamilies.
So the family, they mightstruggle to pull back from the
family once they're placed here,or the f just not call, check
in.
And so that really taps into thefamily, like, I don't really
want to do this anymore, I'mdone.
I kind of, you don't you don'tcare for me, right?
It's tapping in to there, whichthen taps into the kid a feel of
(23:17):
more rejection because theyalready feel it.
And so then we're bothreinforcing our insecurities,
right?
That that neither one of us feelwanted or needed.
And so then it's kind of in thispower struggle, as Sam is
explained, that's one that itjust keeps everyone feels
inadequate, and so we justcontinue to pile on.
And I don't think that werealize that it's really
triggering stuff in each of us.
And so a lot of times itescalates to where then they're
(23:40):
completely strained and notspeaking.
And I'm so grateful for ourcasework department that it
helps facilitate that.
But I think that's some of whatwe see on campus.
SPEAKER_01 (23:48):
Yeah.
To build on Chloe's, you know,like when a kid back talks an
adult, right?
That's gonna that triggers aresponse.
Well, did they back talk me infront of other adults?
Now I have to do something aboutit.
And what is that?
That's about me, right?
So that's that's what it is.
It becomes about me.
Hey, they're you're not gonnatalk to me like that.
That's about me, not theirtrauma and their past.
That's one of the things theadults gotta get past.
(24:08):
Hey, it's not always about you,it's not personal.
They have a response for areason.
And going back to your example,when you're curious about it,
you can talk about it instead ofjust shutting it down.
Hey, you're not talking to melike that, and then you incite a
power struggle again becausethey're gonna have another
response for whatever reason itis, right?
SPEAKER_03 (24:24):
I think it's really common that an adult reprimands
or disciplines a child and thenthey get a smirk or possibly a
laugh.
Right.
And I think I think we've allwe've all been there, right?
And so your brain automaticallygoes, Oh, you think this is
funny?
I'll show you funny, right?
I I mean, as a parent, thosewords have been on the tip of my
tongue, possibly have come outof my mouth once or twice.
(24:44):
But that that is, you know, mybutton was pushed by that
child's response to my attemptto discipline them.
And then it automaticallyescalates, right?
And so as an adult, could Icould I catch that and recognize
that and see that what it, youknow, what it's truly about,
rather than that child's justbeing defiant, and I have got to
(25:06):
show that I'm the one incontrol.
Anytime you struggle for controlor you feel that should be a red
flag to you that you need tostep back and take a breath
before you go down a pathwaythat just escalates that power
struggle.
SPEAKER_00 (25:19):
How can a child's behavior or choices
unintentionally violate aparent's cherished belief or set
of values?
SPEAKER_04 (25:25):
Well, I I kind of love uncher like cherished
beliefs because I think it showsus a little bit about, but it's
the things that we just value tothe utmost ability to ourselves.
Like we just value it so much toour core that it's a part of who
we are.
So I don't love lying.
And my son is in this stageright now where he's kind of
like testing lies and he hasn'tdone that.
And so then I'm like, it wasfunny.
(25:45):
My sister, I remember callingand telling me he lied about
something very small, likeputting socks on or something.
And she was like, Oh, you wouldprobably did not handle that
well.
I said, I actually handled itbetter than I thought, but I
did.
It is like one of those things Ihad to recognize that that's
something in me that I very muchvalue honesty.
And so I had to watch myreaction.
And it is difficult because meand my husband both value that
highly.
And so we kind of have to tagteam it when our kids choose to
(26:08):
lie about the small things, butwe also want them to understand.
SPEAKER_03 (26:11):
So I think it's it's always important to remember
that the culture you are raisingyour children in is not the
culture you were raised in,right?
And so, you know, in 2025, it'svastly culturally different than
it was whenever you were in highschool, regardless of your age,
even if you're fairly recentlygraduated from high school,
right?
(26:32):
But it is a different culture,it is a different time.
And so kids are very susceptibleto peer pressure, they desire
belonging, they want to fit in.
And so they are functioning in away that obtains them belonging
in their peer group in 2025, notin 2005, right?
Or or 2000 or whenever you knowyou were functioning in that
(26:55):
time.
And so it's a different world,and you cannot expect them to
respond the way you did backthen or behave in the same way
you would have.
They have a different existenceand a different cultural
experience, and you you've gotto take that into consideration.
SPEAKER_00 (27:10):
I was listening to one of Dr.
Perry's recordings, and he wastalking about that, and he said
that it's it's a normal thing tohappen that kids are just gonna
do that because of the differentcultures.
But he actually gave me somehope.
He said that if you don't burnthose relationships, that by the
time they turn 20, 25, somewherein there, they're gonna come
back to what their foundationis.
But it's like you said, they'rejust part of it trying to find
(27:31):
that belonging in their orsocial group.
So have some patience and it'llit will get better.
SPEAKER_01 (27:36):
I really like how this question was structured
because it says how can theirbehavior choices unintentionally
violate?
They don't always do it onpurpose, but our a lot of times
our first thought is you know,and you you've done this, and
you know, so what's thedifference?
It's not like just breaking arule, right?
This cuts deep.
Like this is the thing I believein.
This is a no-nonsense thingabout my being and my core and
(27:58):
uh legacy and whatever.
And uh the kid just violatedthat thing, and that's why it it
feels so much more emotional andit feels personal, and that's
where we have to learn toseparate.
Hey, they're not always doingthat on purpose, and that's why
curiosity helps that.
Hey, what made you say or dothat?
Like you said with the lie, hey,what so what were you scared of
when you told that lie?
Yeah, and sometimes it's noteven they're not thinking.
Sure, yeah, put on socks andthey just want to run outside
(28:19):
and play.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, it it's not it's notintentional, right?
It's so it's kind of not alwaysintentional.
SPEAKER_04 (28:24):
Well, and that's what I think is inter my
four-year-old recently had thisinteresting dynamic, and she's
telling me about it as I'mgiving her a bath.
And I she met someone that shethought looked like a boy, but
it was a girl, so she decidedshe was just gonna ask.
So she's telling me that sheasked, which I and so I said,
Okay, well, what did what didshe tell you?
That she's a girl and that she'sa daughter.
And I said, Okay, so sis, it'sreal important now that she has
(28:45):
given you that response that youaccept that and you don't
continue to ask that question.
But it was hard for me becausein my mind, I'm like, you
shouldn't be out, you shouldjust like accept everyone,
right?
Because that's my belief is thatwe accept everyone we love on
everyone, but she is seriousjust curious and and very open
and honest and not afraid to askanything.
And so I but it was interestingbecause like it did hit me, and
I had to like step back and belike, okay, but I have to watch
(29:07):
how I respond to her becausethat is gonna be how she
continues to respond to otherpeople.
SPEAKER_01 (29:11):
And so you know, you know, I really like that because
that's also a conversation thathelps build confidence in a
child because I think curiosityis a good thing, right?
If we stifle that, they lose it.
You know what I mean?
There's there I I call them myanalogy is like candles, right?
People have lots of candles whenthey're young, they have lots of
options, and and when you snuffone out, it's very difficult to
relight that candle.
And so the curiosity isimportant.
(29:32):
That's what it's a survivalinstinct, right?
To be curious and check thingsout.
And so how you handled it, whyyou kind of just you keep the
candle burning, but also kind ofput a little one of those little
glasses around it and keep itsafe because hey, we need to ask
in appropriate ways and do that.
SPEAKER_03 (29:45):
But but the temptation for a lot of parents
would be oh, I can't believe yousaid that.
Don't say that.
Never say that again.
Right?
And so that it there again iswhere we have to keep our brains
calm.
And I think sometimes, just tobe honest, we're concerned that
whatever our child just said ordid.
Is a reflection on us.
Exactly.
Exactly.
So what have your parents taughtyou?
I think we have to set thataside and handle it.
(30:06):
You know, Chloe, like you did,ask some questions, just be
curious.
You know, your kids are alwaysgoing to say things to embarrass
you.
And that doesn't necessarilystop when they're grown.
I think too, those cherishedbeliefs, as our kids get older
and older and as they enter intoyoung adulthood and adulthood,
they have developed their ownmindset.
Now we've given them a strongfoundation of our cherished
(30:27):
beliefs, but we have tounderstand that they may choose
some different beliefs from us.
And that may be differentpolitical beliefs or different
religious beliefs, or, you know,and can we still maintain that
relationship, like Josh said,without breaking it?
You know, if you don't believewhat I believe, we're done.
Or, you know, can you have anopen, honest, respectful line of
(30:48):
communication, even though yourchild may have some different
ideas about the world than youdo?
Absolutely, yeah.
SPEAKER_04 (30:53):
I think it's so also reassuring because you can one
of the things I've told my kidsat their bedtime routine is
always like, is there anythingin this world that can make mom
not love you?
And and so, and we talk aboutno, there's not, like mom is
your mom and she will alwayslove you.
But recently, which my husbandis not a warm and fuzzy person,
but recently he started askingthem, what do you think that
daddy believes about you?
And so that's his question thathe asks them at night.
(31:16):
And so essentially we both havetried to instill in them some of
like even just our viewpointbecause we want them to know
that no matter what, if you doview differently or you make
different choices, that you canalways come back.
SPEAKER_03 (31:28):
You know, that is so powerful, and your children are
are young, but I think thatwould be just as powerful for us
to ask children all along theway.
SPEAKER_04 (31:35):
All along the way.
SPEAKER_03 (31:36):
All along the way.
I think I think kids have a fearthat I could do something that
would cause you not to love meor not to accept me, or they may
not be aware of the things thatyou love about them.
And I love both of thosequestions, Chloe.
And I would just recommend tolisteners ask your kids those
questions, regardless of how oldthey are.
Yeah.
I'll go ask my 30-year-old andI'll let you know what she says.
SPEAKER_00 (31:56):
Um, how can grace and forgiveness play a role in
repairing connection after atriggering moment?
SPEAKER_04 (32:01):
I mean, I think it's huge.
I think a lot of times we haveto have it for ourselves too.
I say that before, but genuinelyI'm my biggest critic.
And so I think when we stepback, I'm I'm so upset with
myself, but I try to alsoexplain as much as I can
appropriately to my kids why momresponded wrong or too strong.
But then also tell them that,you know, and ask them.
I ask them, like, do you forgivemom?
(32:23):
I like allow them to have powerin that because sometimes they
could say, No, I need somespace.
I was we were laughing at myfive-year-old last or
six-year-old at dinner lastnight.
My husband was pestering him andknocking him at dinner, and he
said, Are you out of controlright now?
And I was like so proud of himbecause we were like, Oh, he's
setting a boundary, but it'syour son said that to you.
He said that to his dad, andhe's like, You're out of
(32:43):
control, and we're eatingdinner.
Like, but we were like, Oh, he'slike getting some, you know,
like he's comfortable enough tolike set a boundary.
And so I think that is by graceand forgiveness that you can
kind of open, be open.
SPEAKER_03 (32:54):
I think asking a child for forgiveness is one of
the most powerful things thatyou can do.
I think that that has furtheredmy relationship with my own
children, but also a lot ofchildren I've worked with here
on our campus when I've had togo to them and apologize.
You know, I was short-temperedor I made a decision before I
had all the information or Ijumped to a conclusion.
(33:15):
It's unexpected, but it's it'swhat I want them to be able to
do, right?
I'm setting the example for whatI want them to be able to do is
to own my beh, you know, ownyour behavior, make repairs when
you've done something wrong.
And I just think it's incrediblypowerful when we as the adult
take that first step.
SPEAKER_01 (33:32):
I mean, it's like repentance, right?
You realize you made a mistake.
Doesn't excuse what I did,right?
But I think the discussion ispowerful.
I mean, I and I think parentsrealize more than they know.
I mean, I think, I mean, me thathaving already raised my kids,
no, I got a certain amount ofguilt about some things.
Like, hey, I could have donethis better.
You know, what's interestingthough, and I raised a bunch of
kids here as well, and being anadult and knowing the things I
(33:55):
know now, I I that I thinkthat's what creates the guilt,
is that I've learned somedifferent things, and then I go
and say, dang it, you know, I II messed that up, I messed that
up.
The interesting part about it iswhen you talk to the young
people, if you've given them waybetter experiences than bad
experiences, they remember thosemore.
I'm sure that there's sometriggering events that may I
(34:15):
maybe I have caused, you know,uh, with an outburst or
something.
But what I know is they're notafraid of me.
They they you know, they stillcall.
You know, my my kids call.
Hey dad, you were a good dad,kind of thing.
Hopefully on Father's Day I'llhear that.
And you know what I mean?
So it's really kind of cool, butyou you're playing with the
tools you have, right?
You hear with the toys you haveand uh but when you know better,
you do better.
That's exactly right.
SPEAKER_03 (34:36):
Right, and and I think we've all learned that.
And so if you're a parentlistening, when you know better,
do better, but give yourselfgrace and forgiveness too.
The thing is, parenting didn'tcome with a manual, right?
And and you know, when you'veparented that first child and
you think you know what you'redoing, you're tempted to have a
second child, and that child'scompletely different, right?
And so you you are learning asyou go, and at each stage of the
(34:58):
game that you've never had atoddler before, then you've
never had an elementary kidbefore, or a preteen, or a
teenager, or a young adult, youknow, and so at every stage of
the game, you're learning on thefly.
Do the do the best you can, giveyourself grace and forgiveness.
SPEAKER_01 (35:13):
Absolutely.
You know, and I think it our ourum making it right models
accountability for them becauseright, that's what I want them
to be able to do at some pointis hey, we're gonna mess up.
You can own that, and it's gonnabe okay.
It's not gonna be okay withevery person you make right, but
you do your part.
You do your part.
And I think that that was alwaysimportant.
That's actually a high value forme, is is making things right
when you when you mess up.
And I think my kids have that inthem as well.
SPEAKER_00 (35:35):
So, what does it look like to model emotional
regulation and humility for yourkids after you've been
triggered?
SPEAKER_03 (35:40):
Chloe, I think you've given some great examples
of this in previous podcastswhere you've said to your kids,
hey, mom needs a minute.
And you know, you've let themknow, hey, you're gonna stay
here with dad while mom goes ona walk by herself, or you know,
so but you're naming it.
You're not just walking out andthey have, oh, mom's mad and she
walked out, right?
You're saying I'm upset or I'mfrustrated, I need a moment to
(36:02):
cool off.
And I just think you've you'vedone a great job of being
intentional with that.
SPEAKER_04 (36:06):
Yeah, I think it's just even verbalizing it no
matter what age your kid is,because I think that even how
even as they get older, you'regonna have different triggers,
right?
And so I think just trying toverbalize, hey, I need a minute,
or I can't have thatconversation with you right now,
or all those things, but I wantto, you know, like naming when
you're gonna be able to, or Iwant to come back, or I will
come back, and improving thathas been, and so a lot of things
(36:28):
too.
I I mean, I'm real open with mykids about hey, mom's like when
mom's stress workouts help her,which is why mom works out, but
it's also good for my body.
And so I really try to like beover, overly share about all the
things I utilize um just so thatthey're aware of of how I help
myself regulate so that they canutilize some of that.
Recently, my my son had a wildoutburst that he hadn't had in
years.
(36:49):
And so I remember we like wentthrough it, I gave him space, he
said he wanted to be in hisroom, all the things.
And so then we came back andtalked.
And then I said, okay, let nowthat we're calm, let's talk
about how we could have handledit differently and what ways we
need to do it next time.
And so that was one of the otherthings is I tried really hard to
be calm in that moment, eventhough it was very difficult
because I hadn't seen him thatfrustrated, and it was all of
something small.
(37:09):
But we talked about like, hey,these go to your room, take a
deep breath, play with yourtoys, and then come back, or if
you want to talk to mommy or gofor a walk, those are all
options.
So even the next day, my husbandhad been at work during it, and
so the next day he asked him andhe said, Yeah, but me and mom
talked, and these are all theways I could have handled it
differently.
And so we talked again, youknow, and and then even now
randomly when we're driving,it's like, hey, Bubba, how do we
(37:30):
help ourselves when we'refrustrated?
And just trying to give himthose tools because what we know
is a lot of times it is hard toget to our calm brain.
And so the more that we can talkabout how to utilize it when we
are when we are calm, maybe wecan tap into that when we are
frustrated.
SPEAKER_01 (37:42):
Yeah, yeah, I like that.
I think what one of the things Ithought was that I've heard this
crisis is opportunity.
I think crisis and conflict areboth opportunity and they're
unavoidable.
They're gonna happen, right?
They're gonna happen with thecreated, whether you create it
or someone creates it, orhowever it goes, right?
The it's an opportunity, right?
So when I when I have anopportunity, I also, like you
(38:03):
said, I have time to stop,collect my thoughts.
I don't have to make it rightthis minute, but I do gotta make
it right.
So collect my thoughts.
Hey, I overreacted earlier.
That wasn't fair to you, right?
So, what does that model forthem, right?
So shows them that adults makemistakes.
We make mistakes too.
We're not perfect.
Here's how we fix it, and thenuh and then we model it and it
builds resilience and emotionalmaturity in kids.
(38:23):
Which like we're not alwaysthere, but when we can be, the
more we can model that piece,the more they'll maybe exhibit
that piece.
SPEAKER_03 (38:30):
That's again one of the things we teach our staff
are to identify triggers andearly warning signs or reverse
that, right?
Notice early warning signs andthen identify triggers.
But the final piece of that isto develop strategies to to
return to a sense of calm onceyou've been triggered.
And so helping kids figure outwhat those strategies are,
because just like everybody hasindividual triggers, everybody
(38:53):
has individual strategies,right?
And so for some people that'slistening to calm music or
taking a walk or playing with afidget or bouncing a ball or,
you know, whatever it is, butit's different based on that
child that child's centralnervous system, but also maybe
on their age, right?
And so what works for a childwhen they're six may not work
when they're 16.
(39:13):
But but like Chloe, you'reverbalizing those things to your
kids when they're young, whichmeans you'll be able to continue
to have that conversation, youknow, throughout their life is
what what things help you returnto a sense of calmness.
And even how would you know whatdoes calm feel like?
Right.
So just like you had a greatconversation with your son about
naming those feelings that werenervousness, having those
(39:33):
conversations where you talkabout what so what does calm
feel like could also be reallybeneficial.
Yeah, that's good.
SPEAKER_00 (39:38):
All right, thank you so much for listening today.
I hope it won't be tootriggering to ask you, but
please subscribe to this podcastor recommend this podcast to a
friend or family member.
Until next time, remember, youmight have to loan out your
frontal lobes today.
Just make sure you get themback.
SPEAKER_02 (39:52):
Thank you for listening to Brain Based
Parenting.
We hope you enjoyed this show.
If you would like moreinformation about Cal Farley's
Boys Ranch, are interested inemployment, would like
information about placing yourchild, or would like to help us
help children by donating to ourmission, please visit
calfarly.org.
You can find us on all socialmedia platforms by searching for
(40:15):
CalFarley's.
Thank you for spending your timewith us and have a blessed day.
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