June 17, 2024 • 23 mins
Can changing a single word in your vocabulary transform your stress levels and parenting experience? Join us as we welcome Dr. Samara Potter, a pediatric oncologist and certified life coach, to discuss the profound impact of negative self-talk on parents, especially those caring for children with cancer. Dr. Potter offers transformative advice on shifting from "should" to "can" or "want to," empowering parents to reclaim control and alleviate stress.
Dive deep into the emotional landscape of parenting a child with severe illness. We explore the delicate balance between feeling emotions fully and fostering a positive mindset. Dr. Potter explains the critical difference between genuine gratitude and toxic positivity, sharing practical strategies to address automatic negative thoughts and emphasizing the importance of self-compassion. Challenging societal norms that pressure parents to put others first, we underline the necessity of prioritizing one's own mental health.
The journey of processing grief and practicing self-care takes center stage as we share personal experiences of mothers navigating their children's illnesses. Dr. Potter highlights the importance of allowing oneself to grieve authentically and the therapeutic benefits of hobbies like art. Creativity and self-care become powerful tools for mental well-being, with techniques to interrupt negative thought patterns and elevate personal happiness. Tune in to discover how these strategies can support you in your caregiving journey and enhance your overall mental health.
Connect with Dr. Samara Potter!
Website: www.motheringthrough.com
Instagram: kidscancercoach
Podcast: Mothering through Childhood Cancer
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (00:00):
Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode
of Brain P Brainpower with DrEko.
It's my pleasure to introduceyou to the guest I have today.
She's an amazing physician, Dr.
Samara Potter, and I'm so gladshe's here with us.
So, without further ado,welcome Samara to our podcast.
Thank you so much, chandelaine,to be here, so would you please
(00:21):
introduce yourself to ourlisteners.
Dr. Samara Potter (00:24):
Sure, so, as mentioned, my name is Samara
Potter.
I am a pediatric oncologist,which means that I take care of
kids with cancer as my day job.
I am also a researcher, so Ispend a lot of time doing
scientific research and tryingto figure out why it is that
kids get cancer and how we canbetter treat them.
(00:45):
And then I also have a coupleof other hats that I wear.
So I am a certified life coachand I'm a life coach for women
physicians and also for moms ofchildren with cancer and
otherwise.
I'm one of those serialentrepreneurs always into
something, real estate investorand a mom of two kids and part
(01:08):
of a two-position household.
So that's the craziness that ismy life, wow that's wonderful.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (01:17):
So, first of all , thank you for the work that
you do taking care of kids andthe parents, which is so
critical I mean parents of kidswith cancer, because that's such
a heartbreaking thing forparents to go through and so
thank you for doing that.
Dr. Samara Potter (01:32):
Well, thank you for all that you're doing,
and I know the parents who arelistening to your podcast are
getting so much benefit out ofall the wisdom that you're
sharing.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (01:41):
My pleasure, thank you.
And so before we came on, wewere chatting about how negative
self-talk affects us as parents, and so I wanted to talk more
about that, because that'ssomething that's I mean for
anybody that's alive.
I think everybody has negativeself-talk at some point in life,
(02:02):
so can you walk us through howyou approach it and how you help
parents get on the other sideof the negative self-talk that
they have?
Dr. Samara Potter (02:11):
Yeah.
So I try to let the parent lead.
But what I find is a commonthing that people will say,
without necessarily coming outright and saying it, is that
they have these ideas of whatthey should or should not be
doing right.
So this idea of you know to bea good mom means that I should
(02:37):
be going to all the PTA meetingsor whatever it is, or that my
child should always be takingtheir medication on time, or you
know it really doesn't matterwhat it is, or that my child
should always be taking theirmedication on time, or you know
it really doesn't matter what itis.
But these ideas, these kind ofshoulds, which I try to ask my
clients and myself when I'mcoaching myself, to take that
(02:59):
word should out of the equation.
I think that's the quickest wayto remind your brain that you
have choice, you have an agency.
Should to me sounds like it'scoming from an external source.
It's like somebody else islooking at me and judging me and
saying you are not doing theright thing and, of course,
anytime someone says that to youor you say that to yourself,
(03:23):
you aren't able to function, Ithink, at your highest level.
So, and I so I always encouragepeople to take should and insert
another word.
So I say, can get to choose towant to right and just putting
(03:43):
in another word and juststopping yourself whenever
you're reminding you're going oh, I should do this, I should do
that.
You know I can do that if Iwant.
But suddenly it just honestlyeven just feel, just saying that
in the moment in my body itgoes from a feeling of heaviness
in my shoulders to suddenlyfeeling a lot lighter, to
suddenly feeling a lot lighter.
(04:05):
And that's what I want for allparents, because there's no
playbook, right, we are allblessed with a child and we
bring them home and we go oh mygosh, someone's allowed me to
have this responsibility andit's real, you know, and we're
all just figuring it out, andyou know we have a lot of
expectations from society andfrom our parents, from other
(04:25):
people that we picked up alongthe way, and I think just
reminding ourselves that that'sa choice whether or not we want
to hold on to some of thoseexpectations or not it just
makes everything a little biteasier and feeling a little bit
lower stakes.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (04:41):
Right, and I think it's important to realize
that the realization that wehave the choice is actually most
of the issue, right?
A lot of times we go throughlife not realizing we have a
choice and we just feel likewe're stuck.
So we're giving you permissionto realize that you have a
choice.
Dr. Samara Potter (04:58):
Yeah, exactly .
Dr. Hokehe Eko (05:00):
Exactly so.
When you're thinking, have youfound any way that helps you?
When the thoughts fly into yourmind and then you, before you,
slide down the rabbit hole ofruminating on it, how do you
stop yourself?
Dr. Samara Potter (05:13):
Yeah, you know, I think that there's a
couple of different, there's acouple of different ways to go
about things, to go about things.
I think that that, first of all, sometimes, when I'm you know,
if I'm upset about something Ithink that there's a lot of in
(05:33):
coaching there's a lot of peoplewho are who will think, okay,
well, this is a negative feelingthat someone's happening and I
want, and I want them to stopthat negative feeling.
So I'm trying to cut that offimmediately, whereas I sometimes
will actually lean into it andjust say you know what I feel?
I'm feeling crummy, I'm feelingangry, I'm feeling whatever,
and I just, I just need toexpress that in one way or
(05:54):
another, whether that, you know,just talking to your friend and
just saying you know, all thisstuff happened and I'm just
really not not happy about it,and getting that out first,
before I kind of go and try tochange the mindset.
I don't know that's how I dealwith it, because what I find is
that when I just try to switchand say, okay, well, I'm in this
(06:17):
cycle and I just want to, youknow, stop having the cycle,
then it's almost like I'mblaming myself for even having
the feeling to begin with, andit's you know the judgment on
top of the problem makes just aAn extra shame sandwich that we
don't need, because it's youknow you're already feeling a
negative emotion, right.
(06:37):
And then you're upset becauseyou're feeling a negative
emotion, and then you know andyou should know better, right,
there's the shitting again, andso you know.
Sometimes I just say you knowwhat Life's 50-50.
Sometimes I feel good,sometimes I don't, and it's
important to acknowledge theSometimes I don't and it's
important to acknowledge thetimes that I don't and that's
(06:57):
okay.
And once you know, take a setamount of time to kind of get
that out of your system and thensay okay, so now we're moving
on right, and I find that justacknowledging that helps me a
lot in moving forward.
When I try to repress it,that's when I find myself just
kind of ruminating, coming backto that idea over and over again
(07:18):
, when I don't just let it out.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (07:21):
Yeah that helps, I'm sure.
And I was reading a book,miracle Morning by Hal Elrod and
he mentioned that he giveshimself five minutes to feel the
feels, to do all the jumping upand down and the screaming and
the yelling, and then after that, okay, it's happened.
Now what do we do?
We have to, how do we moveforward from here?
(07:41):
But, yes, he gives himself thetime to feel it yeah, that's a
great, that's a great book.
Dr. Samara Potter (07:48):
But you know, it's really interesting when
you, when you said that, kind ofreminding me of that, this it's
the difference between you knowgratitude and toxic positivity.
Right, you can.
Is the acknowledgement partfirst.
Right, like thatacknowledgement that it's okay
to feel.
However, that you feel right,right.
The toxic positivity is whenyou're saying I feel crummy, but
(08:11):
then you know someone saying,well, you know, you shouldn't
feel that way.
Look at all the stuff youshould be grateful for.
You know again, should, should,should, right, versus.
You know you're not really ableto get to gratitude unless you
say you know what I feel crummyand.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (08:29):
I found that things don't always, things
never last.
Dr. Samara Potter (08:32):
They get better after some time, yeah,
and sometimes things are justare.
Found that things don't alwaysthings never lack.
They get better after some time, yeah, and sometimes things are
just are just for me and that'sokay.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (08:38):
You know, yeah, and I learned from one of my
mentors, dr Amen of the AmenClinics.
He talks about automaticnegative thoughts and he says
when you have a negative thoughtjump in your head, you should
stop your learn to stop yourselfand ask the question is this
true?
And then usually your firstanswer will be yeah, because
(09:01):
you're still in that state.
And then if you ask yourselfagain is this really true?
And at that point you're,you're the.
The questions are breaking thatthought up, right, and so it
doesn't continue the the cycle.
So then when you ask yourselfthe second time, it's really
true?
At that point hopefully you'vegotten enough.
You felt enough of your buildand since that thought has been
(09:25):
broken, now you can actuallyrealize that it's actually not
true, right, and then you cantell yourself what the truth is.
Dr. Samara Potter (09:32):
Yeah, yeah, we.
I was trained at the life coachschool and we have something
called the model, and one of thefirst things that we do when
you're having a thought orsomething that's upsetting you
is, the first step in the modelis to find what they call the
circumstance, which they mean asjust the facts.
Right, you're in a court of law, just the facts.
(09:54):
Right, you're in a court of law, just the facts.
And it is that's, I think, oneof the hardest steps for people
is really figuring out what isan actual fact, what is the true
part of this right Versus, whatis all the feeling and all the
stress and the emotions thatwe're injecting into it.
(10:15):
Yeah, no, absolutely.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (10:17):
That's wonderful .
So how do you for any parentsthat might be listening and
their children have cancer orhave had cancer and they're
walking through the journey andthe process, what are some ways
that you help support them?
Dr. Samara Potter (10:32):
Yeah, I think the first thing that that I
tried to do is to just to toremind them to have compassion
for themselves, right?
So so many people and you knowparent mothers who are going
through this we think so muchabout our children and about all
(10:55):
the other people that we'retaking care of, and I think that
has a lot to do with oursociety and what our society
defines as a good mother.
Right is the person who putsother people first and herself
last.
Right, although we know thatthat doesn't work.
Right, because you can't pourfrom an empty cup, but that's a
(11:21):
societal norm that a lot of ushave become ingrained with.
And so, just having compassionfor yourself and reminding
yourself, you know, it's okay.
It's okay that I am stressedout, it's normal that I don't
know what to do, it's normal tofeel scared I you know and to
(11:41):
have that compassion that youdon't have to feel so
overwhelmed with caring, tryingto be the person who's strong, I
should say.
And you know, I think thathappens to mothers, no matter
whether their children havecancer or any sort of any sort
of illness, and it doesn't haveto be a severe illness, it can
(12:02):
be transient.
Right?
You know, I recently had asituation where my son was ended
up choking in a restaurant,which was very stressful for all
of us, and I had a lot of thesame thoughts and feelings of
well, I have to be strong and Ihave to be calm because I'm
(12:24):
holding it together for everyoneelse.
It was really interesting kindof being on the other end of it
and reminding myself that, no, Ineeded to give myself
permission to have time to besad and be scared and be
frustrated, and maybe not in theemergent moment, right when I'm
with my son in the ambulance,but when he's safe and I have
(12:47):
time, you know, to take thattime for myself, and so that's
one of the things I also askpeople to do is to maybe is to
try to schedule time, and,especially if you're going
through something where you'rehaving a change, a life change
you know whether it's a newdiagnosis or whatever it is that
is is upsetting.
(13:08):
Yeah, scheduling time to grievefor what?
For whatever reason, whether itwere the life that you thought
you were going to have, that youdon't think that you're going
to be able to have anymore, orfor whatever sadness you are,
you have about your child oryour family, or whatever it is
that you scheduling that timefor yourself to grieve right and
(13:28):
not just you take a walk or doyoga or whatever those things,
but really just to have time tojust be sad, and that that is an
okay and necessary part ofdealing with whatever it is that
you're going through.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (13:43):
Yeah, you're absolutely right.
I like that and I think I'mgoing to start sharing that with
my parents, because I give adiagnosis of ADHD or autism and
the parents are often a lot ofthem are maybe they eager, but
they didn't really want toaccept it.
And now they hear it from mymouth and I try to say it as
gently as I can, but they grievethe life that they thought they
(14:09):
would have, right, when we allhave the babies and we're like,
oh, and then they grow up andthis thing you weren't expecting
happens.
So, yeah, I'm gonna use that,because I think it's important
for them to schedule and to feelall the feel that they need
because, yeah, right, they'reabout to go on and so it it will
(14:29):
help equip them for the journeyahead.
Dr. Samara Potter (14:32):
Yeah, and reminding them that there's no
scheduled timeline for thatright, because I was just
talking with I have a Facebookgroup for mothers and children
with cancer and I was talking tothem on one of our scheduled
calls and some of them weresaying, well, you know, it's
been a couple of years since my,my child's diagnosis and
(14:56):
they're doing better now andeverything's happening, and, and
you know, and, but I don't, Idon't feel better, right, and
I'm not better yet.
And I feel, and why am I notover this?
Right?
And it goes back to that, thatI should be over this, right,
that there's an expectedtimeline on your grief and your
processing.
And you know, and I point, it'stotally different for everyone
(15:20):
and sometimes people don't havethe capacity to process in the
moment, right, sometimes you aredealing, you know you're
dealing with whatever it is thatyou're dealing with, and you're
just trying to get your kid toa place and you don't actually
have time to process it and youdon't start to process it until
later and it might be yearslater yeah and that's okay
because you did what you neededto do, right.
(15:43):
So I think, just again havingcompassion for yourself and and
reminding yourself there's not,there's not a timeline.
Everybody takes the time thatthey need absolutely, and that
you're worth it.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (15:55):
You're valuable enough to take that time for
yourself, and it doesn't meanyou love anybody else less
because you're taking the timefor yourself.
Dr. Samara Potter (16:06):
Yeah, and I see that there's a lot of guilt
for moms for that, but I justtry to remind them, especially,
you know, those with daughters,and it's just that you know, is
this how you want your daughterto treat, yourself, to treat
herself, when she gets older?
Dr. Hokehe Eko (16:21):
right, because we're teaching them.
They, they suck up all that weall.
Dr. Samara Potter (16:26):
I'm doing actually more than what we say
for but, yeah, for better forworse, kids learn by watching.
They I mean, I think every momknows that there's there's some
part of kids that don't actuallylisten, which is why we had to
tell them to put on their socksfive times but they do watch,
right and so and they watch andthey learn from you with how you
(16:51):
treat yourself, but that that'show they think that a mom
should be right and that's howthey think that you know that
they want to model themselveslater and you know, and so I
think that just taking the timefor yourself, doing whatever it
is that you love we were talkinga little earlier, before we
started recording, about thefact that I recently started a
(17:13):
new creative hobby.
Right, I had been very creativebefore medical school.
I was an art history major andI used to love photography and
stuff, but I had never reallydone much drawing or painting
and I decided a couple of monthsI guess two months ago that I
was going to start painting andI just did it and it's been the
(17:34):
best thing, incredible for mymental health.
It's been also, I think, areally nice way to show my kids
that, yeah, I'm going to taketime for myself to do something
that I enjoy, and there'snothing wrong with that yeah, so
wonderful.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (17:47):
Yes, I know I saw your painting on Facebook.
I was like, oh my goodness, itlooks good and I like what you
were saying before we startedrecording about how this is like
a form of meditation for youand and it gives you such calm
and peace and that you couldn'tmeditate in the traditional
sense of the word before, butnow you found a way to do that
(18:10):
gives you the same effect rightand it's important so that we
are not boxing ourselves intoagain what we should, how we
should meditate yeah absolutely,I've always liked the idea of
meditating right and, and youknow, it's one of those things
that people who, who love it,they get so much value from it.
Dr. Samara Potter (18:33):
And I always thought, you know, I would love
to be someone who does that.
But much like my aspirations tobe an early riser, just it's
just not my thing, right, andpeople can accept that about
myself.
But I can meditate through, youknow, I, through doing art or
doing doing other things where Iget into a state of flow, and
(18:54):
that's what works for me andthat's perfectly fine.
It's a great outlet for me.
I like it because not only do Iget to do my art, but now my
daughter comes and still sitsdown next to me and she'll do an
art project too, and then we'realso spending time together,
which is fun.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (19:11):
You're bonding for sure.
That's wonderful.
Wow.
We've talked about so manyimportant things, and so parents
listening.
I would just pick one thingthat you can start working on,
even if it's the self-compassionhave compassion on yourself.
Or schedule time for you tofeel all the feels that you need
to feel, or find a way tomeditate.
(19:33):
That doesn't fit the box right.
If it's going for a walk, gofor the walk, talk to yourself.
That's meditation, becausereally, we have to define it for
ourselves and not to.
It's not one shoe fit, though,or one size fit.
Do you have one last?
I ask all my guests what's abrain health?
What's your last brain healthtip?
(19:55):
Because everything you've saidhere is going to help the
parents and us listening andtalking to you, and it's going
to help with our brain healthand helping our brains function
better.
So what's one last tip you have?
Dr. Samara Potter (20:09):
Okay, I'll give you a tip because there's a
lot of parents who arelistening that they can use for
themselves, but also that theycan use with their kids, which
is kind of a way of interrupting.
You know, you kind of askedbefore well, what happens when
you're spiraling right andyou're just kind of going over
and over the same sort ofnegative thoughts?
And there's something that youcan do and I learned this from
(20:34):
Melissa Teers, who's a hypnotistin New York and very, very well
published.
But it's actually aneuroscience technique where you
actually take an object and Iuse my phone, because that's
what I always have on me and youjust kind of swing your arm out
to the side and cross themidline and out to the other
side and what happens is becauseyou're switching the sides of
(20:57):
your brain, right, that you arecrossing midline.
It ends up being that whateverpattern that you had of thought
or anxiety, you end up kind ofinterrupting that by doing the
switching.
And I just do it until I feelkind of more calm and in a more
neutral state.
And I like it because you canteach kids to do it.
(21:20):
So kids can do it in thehospital, right, they're getting
really anxious, they're goingto get a poke or something,
something that they're worriedabout and you can.
They can always grab, you know,a little bean bag or or a hacky
sack or something and just passit back and forth and it can
just be a nice way of soothingthemselves and just interrupting
that pattern.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (21:38):
I'm going to teach that to my parents of my
kids with ADHD.
Oh, my goodness, yeah, becausethere's a lot of anxiety
associated with our childrenthat have those diagnoses.
So, thank you, I'm going to usethat one.
So please tell our listenerswhere they can find out more
about you and coaching servicesthat you have.
Dr. Samara Potter (22:00):
So I have a website called, and it's www.
motheringthrough.
com, and you can also find me onInstagram.
I'm at Kids Cancer Coach, andthen also I have a podcast also
called Mothering ThroughChildhood Cancer is what it's
(22:20):
actually called, the full nameand so you can find me through
any of those rooms.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (22:25):
Wow, wonderful.
So we're going to post all ofthat in the show notes and thank
you again for what you do.
Thank you for coming on andsharing this nuggets with us
Really grateful, absolutely.
Thanks for having me andparents listening.
Please share this episode withyour friends, your family and
people you know that need tohear this, and we'll see you on
(22:47):
the next episode.
Thank you.
Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode
of Brain P Brainpower with DrEko.
It's my pleasure to introduceyou to the guest I have today.
She's an amazing physician, Dr.
Samara Potter, and I'm so gladshe's here with us.
So, without further ado,welcome Samara to our podcast.
Thank you so much, chandelaine,to be here, so would you please
(00:21):
introduce yourself to ourlisteners.
Dr. Samara Potter (00:24):
Sure, so, as mentioned, my name is Samara
Potter.
I am a pediatric oncologist,which means that I take care of
kids with cancer as my day job.
I am also a researcher, so Ispend a lot of time doing
scientific research and tryingto figure out why it is that
kids get cancer and how we canbetter treat them.
(00:45):
And then I also have a coupleof other hats that I wear.
So I am a certified life coachand I'm a life coach for women
physicians and also for moms ofchildren with cancer and
otherwise.
I'm one of those serialentrepreneurs always into
something, real estate investorand a mom of two kids and part
(01:08):
of a two-position household.
So that's the craziness that ismy life, wow that's wonderful.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (01:17):
So, first of all , thank you for the work that
you do taking care of kids andthe parents, which is so
critical I mean parents of kidswith cancer, because that's such
a heartbreaking thing forparents to go through and so
thank you for doing that.
Dr. Samara Potter (01:32):
Well, thank you for all that you're doing,
and I know the parents who arelistening to your podcast are
getting so much benefit out ofall the wisdom that you're
sharing.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (01:41):
My pleasure, thank you.
And so before we came on, wewere chatting about how negative
self-talk affects us as parents, and so I wanted to talk more
about that, because that'ssomething that's I mean for
anybody that's alive.
I think everybody has negativeself-talk at some point in life,
(02:02):
so can you walk us through howyou approach it and how you help
parents get on the other sideof the negative self-talk that
they have?
Dr. Samara Potter (02:11):
Yeah.
So I try to let the parent lead.
But what I find is a commonthing that people will say,
without necessarily coming outright and saying it, is that
they have these ideas of whatthey should or should not be
doing right.
So this idea of you know to bea good mom means that I should
(02:37):
be going to all the PTA meetingsor whatever it is, or that my
child should always be takingtheir medication on time, or you
know it really doesn't matterwhat it is, or that my child
should always be taking theirmedication on time, or you know
it really doesn't matter what itis.
But these ideas, these kind ofshoulds, which I try to ask my
clients and myself when I'mcoaching myself, to take that
(02:59):
word should out of the equation.
I think that's the quickest wayto remind your brain that you
have choice, you have an agency.
Should to me sounds like it'scoming from an external source.
It's like somebody else islooking at me and judging me and
saying you are not doing theright thing and, of course,
anytime someone says that to youor you say that to yourself,
(03:23):
you aren't able to function, Ithink, at your highest level.
So, and I so I always encouragepeople to take should and insert
another word.
So I say, can get to choose towant to right and just putting
(03:43):
in another word and juststopping yourself whenever
you're reminding you're going oh, I should do this, I should do
that.
You know I can do that if Iwant.
But suddenly it just honestlyeven just feel, just saying that
in the moment in my body itgoes from a feeling of heaviness
in my shoulders to suddenlyfeeling a lot lighter, to
suddenly feeling a lot lighter.
(04:05):
And that's what I want for allparents, because there's no
playbook, right, we are allblessed with a child and we
bring them home and we go oh mygosh, someone's allowed me to
have this responsibility andit's real, you know, and we're
all just figuring it out, andyou know we have a lot of
expectations from society andfrom our parents, from other
(04:25):
people that we picked up alongthe way, and I think just
reminding ourselves that that'sa choice whether or not we want
to hold on to some of thoseexpectations or not it just
makes everything a little biteasier and feeling a little bit
lower stakes.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (04:41):
Right, and I think it's important to realize
that the realization that wehave the choice is actually most
of the issue, right?
A lot of times we go throughlife not realizing we have a
choice and we just feel likewe're stuck.
So we're giving you permissionto realize that you have a
choice.
Dr. Samara Potter (04:58):
Yeah, exactly .
Dr. Hokehe Eko (05:00):
Exactly so.
When you're thinking, have youfound any way that helps you?
When the thoughts fly into yourmind and then you, before you,
slide down the rabbit hole ofruminating on it, how do you
stop yourself?
Dr. Samara Potter (05:13):
Yeah, you know, I think that there's a
couple of different, there's acouple of different ways to go
about things, to go about things.
I think that that, first of all, sometimes, when I'm you know,
if I'm upset about something Ithink that there's a lot of in
(05:33):
coaching there's a lot of peoplewho are who will think, okay,
well, this is a negative feelingthat someone's happening and I
want, and I want them to stopthat negative feeling.
So I'm trying to cut that offimmediately, whereas I sometimes
will actually lean into it andjust say you know what I feel?
I'm feeling crummy, I'm feelingangry, I'm feeling whatever,
and I just, I just need toexpress that in one way or
(05:54):
another, whether that, you know,just talking to your friend and
just saying you know, all thisstuff happened and I'm just
really not not happy about it,and getting that out first,
before I kind of go and try tochange the mindset.
I don't know that's how I dealwith it, because what I find is
that when I just try to switchand say, okay, well, I'm in this
(06:17):
cycle and I just want to, youknow, stop having the cycle,
then it's almost like I'mblaming myself for even having
the feeling to begin with, andit's you know the judgment on
top of the problem makes just aAn extra shame sandwich that we
don't need, because it's youknow you're already feeling a
negative emotion, right.
(06:37):
And then you're upset becauseyou're feeling a negative
emotion, and then you know andyou should know better, right,
there's the shitting again, andso you know.
Sometimes I just say you knowwhat Life's 50-50.
Sometimes I feel good,sometimes I don't, and it's
important to acknowledge theSometimes I don't and it's
important to acknowledge thetimes that I don't and that's
(06:57):
okay.
And once you know, take a setamount of time to kind of get
that out of your system and thensay okay, so now we're moving
on right, and I find that justacknowledging that helps me a
lot in moving forward.
When I try to repress it,that's when I find myself just
kind of ruminating, coming backto that idea over and over again
(07:18):
, when I don't just let it out.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (07:21):
Yeah that helps, I'm sure.
And I was reading a book,miracle Morning by Hal Elrod and
he mentioned that he giveshimself five minutes to feel the
feels, to do all the jumping upand down and the screaming and
the yelling, and then after that, okay, it's happened.
Now what do we do?
We have to, how do we moveforward from here?
(07:41):
But, yes, he gives himself thetime to feel it yeah, that's a
great, that's a great book.
Dr. Samara Potter (07:48):
But you know, it's really interesting when
you, when you said that, kind ofreminding me of that, this it's
the difference between you knowgratitude and toxic positivity.
Right, you can.
Is the acknowledgement partfirst.
Right, like thatacknowledgement that it's okay
to feel.
However, that you feel right,right.
The toxic positivity is whenyou're saying I feel crummy, but
(08:11):
then you know someone saying,well, you know, you shouldn't
feel that way.
Look at all the stuff youshould be grateful for.
You know again, should, should,should, right, versus.
You know you're not really ableto get to gratitude unless you
say you know what I feel crummyand.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (08:29):
I found that things don't always, things
never last.
Dr. Samara Potter (08:32):
They get better after some time, yeah,
and sometimes things are justare.
Found that things don't alwaysthings never lack.
They get better after some time, yeah, and sometimes things are
just are just for me and that'sokay.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (08:38):
You know, yeah, and I learned from one of my
mentors, dr Amen of the AmenClinics.
He talks about automaticnegative thoughts and he says
when you have a negative thoughtjump in your head, you should
stop your learn to stop yourselfand ask the question is this
true?
And then usually your firstanswer will be yeah, because
(09:01):
you're still in that state.
And then if you ask yourselfagain is this really true?
And at that point you're,you're the.
The questions are breaking thatthought up, right, and so it
doesn't continue the the cycle.
So then when you ask yourselfthe second time, it's really
true?
At that point hopefully you'vegotten enough.
You felt enough of your buildand since that thought has been
(09:25):
broken, now you can actuallyrealize that it's actually not
true, right, and then you cantell yourself what the truth is.
Dr. Samara Potter (09:32):
Yeah, yeah, we.
I was trained at the life coachschool and we have something
called the model, and one of thefirst things that we do when
you're having a thought orsomething that's upsetting you
is, the first step in the modelis to find what they call the
circumstance, which they mean asjust the facts.
Right, you're in a court of law, just the facts.
(09:54):
Right, you're in a court of law, just the facts.
And it is that's, I think, oneof the hardest steps for people
is really figuring out what isan actual fact, what is the true
part of this right Versus, whatis all the feeling and all the
stress and the emotions thatwe're injecting into it.
(10:15):
Yeah, no, absolutely.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (10:17):
That's wonderful .
So how do you for any parentsthat might be listening and
their children have cancer orhave had cancer and they're
walking through the journey andthe process, what are some ways
that you help support them?
Dr. Samara Potter (10:32):
Yeah, I think the first thing that that I
tried to do is to just to toremind them to have compassion
for themselves, right?
So so many people and you knowparent mothers who are going
through this we think so muchabout our children and about all
(10:55):
the other people that we'retaking care of, and I think that
has a lot to do with oursociety and what our society
defines as a good mother.
Right is the person who putsother people first and herself
last.
Right, although we know thatthat doesn't work.
Right, because you can't pourfrom an empty cup, but that's a
(11:21):
societal norm that a lot of ushave become ingrained with.
And so, just having compassionfor yourself and reminding
yourself, you know, it's okay.
It's okay that I am stressedout, it's normal that I don't
know what to do, it's normal tofeel scared I you know and to
(11:41):
have that compassion that youdon't have to feel so
overwhelmed with caring, tryingto be the person who's strong, I
should say.
And you know, I think thathappens to mothers, no matter
whether their children havecancer or any sort of any sort
of illness, and it doesn't haveto be a severe illness, it can
(12:02):
be transient.
Right?
You know, I recently had asituation where my son was ended
up choking in a restaurant,which was very stressful for all
of us, and I had a lot of thesame thoughts and feelings of
well, I have to be strong and Ihave to be calm because I'm
(12:24):
holding it together for everyoneelse.
It was really interesting kindof being on the other end of it
and reminding myself that, no, Ineeded to give myself
permission to have time to besad and be scared and be
frustrated, and maybe not in theemergent moment, right when I'm
with my son in the ambulance,but when he's safe and I have
(12:47):
time, you know, to take thattime for myself, and so that's
one of the things I also askpeople to do is to maybe is to
try to schedule time, and,especially if you're going
through something where you'rehaving a change, a life change
you know whether it's a newdiagnosis or whatever it is that
is is upsetting.
(13:08):
Yeah, scheduling time to grievefor what?
For whatever reason, whether itwere the life that you thought
you were going to have, that youdon't think that you're going
to be able to have anymore, orfor whatever sadness you are,
you have about your child oryour family, or whatever it is
that you scheduling that timefor yourself to grieve right and
(13:28):
not just you take a walk or doyoga or whatever those things,
but really just to have time tojust be sad, and that that is an
okay and necessary part ofdealing with whatever it is that
you're going through.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (13:43):
Yeah, you're absolutely right.
I like that and I think I'mgoing to start sharing that with
my parents, because I give adiagnosis of ADHD or autism and
the parents are often a lot ofthem are maybe they eager, but
they didn't really want toaccept it.
And now they hear it from mymouth and I try to say it as
gently as I can, but they grievethe life that they thought they
(14:09):
would have, right, when we allhave the babies and we're like,
oh, and then they grow up andthis thing you weren't expecting
happens.
So, yeah, I'm gonna use that,because I think it's important
for them to schedule and to feelall the feel that they need
because, yeah, right, they'reabout to go on and so it it will
(14:29):
help equip them for the journeyahead.
Dr. Samara Potter (14:32):
Yeah, and reminding them that there's no
scheduled timeline for thatright, because I was just
talking with I have a Facebookgroup for mothers and children
with cancer and I was talking tothem on one of our scheduled
calls and some of them weresaying, well, you know, it's
been a couple of years since my,my child's diagnosis and
(14:56):
they're doing better now andeverything's happening, and, and
you know, and, but I don't, Idon't feel better, right, and
I'm not better yet.
And I feel, and why am I notover this?
Right?
And it goes back to that, thatI should be over this, right,
that there's an expectedtimeline on your grief and your
processing.
And you know, and I point, it'stotally different for everyone
(15:20):
and sometimes people don't havethe capacity to process in the
moment, right, sometimes you aredealing, you know you're
dealing with whatever it is thatyou're dealing with, and you're
just trying to get your kid toa place and you don't actually
have time to process it and youdon't start to process it until
later and it might be yearslater yeah and that's okay
because you did what you neededto do, right.
(15:43):
So I think, just again havingcompassion for yourself and and
reminding yourself there's not,there's not a timeline.
Everybody takes the time thatthey need absolutely, and that
you're worth it.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (15:55):
You're valuable enough to take that time for
yourself, and it doesn't meanyou love anybody else less
because you're taking the timefor yourself.
Dr. Samara Potter (16:06):
Yeah, and I see that there's a lot of guilt
for moms for that, but I justtry to remind them, especially,
you know, those with daughters,and it's just that you know, is
this how you want your daughterto treat, yourself, to treat
herself, when she gets older?
Dr. Hokehe Eko (16:21):
right, because we're teaching them.
They, they suck up all that weall.
Dr. Samara Potter (16:26):
I'm doing actually more than what we say
for but, yeah, for better forworse, kids learn by watching.
They I mean, I think every momknows that there's there's some
part of kids that don't actuallylisten, which is why we had to
tell them to put on their socksfive times but they do watch,
right and so and they watch andthey learn from you with how you
(16:51):
treat yourself, but that that'show they think that a mom
should be right and that's howthey think that you know that
they want to model themselveslater and you know, and so I
think that just taking the timefor yourself, doing whatever it
is that you love we were talkinga little earlier, before we
started recording, about thefact that I recently started a
(17:13):
new creative hobby.
Right, I had been very creativebefore medical school.
I was an art history major andI used to love photography and
stuff, but I had never reallydone much drawing or painting
and I decided a couple of monthsI guess two months ago that I
was going to start painting andI just did it and it's been the
(17:34):
best thing, incredible for mymental health.
It's been also, I think, areally nice way to show my kids
that, yeah, I'm going to taketime for myself to do something
that I enjoy, and there'snothing wrong with that yeah, so
wonderful.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (17:47):
Yes, I know I saw your painting on Facebook.
I was like, oh my goodness, itlooks good and I like what you
were saying before we startedrecording about how this is like
a form of meditation for youand and it gives you such calm
and peace and that you couldn'tmeditate in the traditional
sense of the word before, butnow you found a way to do that
(18:10):
gives you the same effect rightand it's important so that we
are not boxing ourselves intoagain what we should, how we
should meditate yeah absolutely,I've always liked the idea of
meditating right and, and youknow, it's one of those things
that people who, who love it,they get so much value from it.
Dr. Samara Potter (18:33):
And I always thought, you know, I would love
to be someone who does that.
But much like my aspirations tobe an early riser, just it's
just not my thing, right, andpeople can accept that about
myself.
But I can meditate through, youknow, I, through doing art or
doing doing other things where Iget into a state of flow, and
(18:54):
that's what works for me andthat's perfectly fine.
It's a great outlet for me.
I like it because not only do Iget to do my art, but now my
daughter comes and still sitsdown next to me and she'll do an
art project too, and then we'realso spending time together,
which is fun.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (19:11):
You're bonding for sure.
That's wonderful.
Wow.
We've talked about so manyimportant things, and so parents
listening.
I would just pick one thingthat you can start working on,
even if it's the self-compassionhave compassion on yourself.
Or schedule time for you tofeel all the feels that you need
to feel, or find a way tomeditate.
(19:33):
That doesn't fit the box right.
If it's going for a walk, gofor the walk, talk to yourself.
That's meditation, becausereally, we have to define it for
ourselves and not to.
It's not one shoe fit, though,or one size fit.
Do you have one last?
I ask all my guests what's abrain health?
What's your last brain healthtip?
(19:55):
Because everything you've saidhere is going to help the
parents and us listening andtalking to you, and it's going
to help with our brain healthand helping our brains function
better.
So what's one last tip you have?
Dr. Samara Potter (20:09):
Okay, I'll give you a tip because there's a
lot of parents who arelistening that they can use for
themselves, but also that theycan use with their kids, which
is kind of a way of interrupting.
You know, you kind of askedbefore well, what happens when
you're spiraling right andyou're just kind of going over
and over the same sort ofnegative thoughts?
And there's something that youcan do and I learned this from
(20:34):
Melissa Teers, who's a hypnotistin New York and very, very well
published.
But it's actually aneuroscience technique where you
actually take an object and Iuse my phone, because that's
what I always have on me and youjust kind of swing your arm out
to the side and cross themidline and out to the other
side and what happens is becauseyou're switching the sides of
(20:57):
your brain, right, that you arecrossing midline.
It ends up being that whateverpattern that you had of thought
or anxiety, you end up kind ofinterrupting that by doing the
switching.
And I just do it until I feelkind of more calm and in a more
neutral state.
And I like it because you canteach kids to do it.
(21:20):
So kids can do it in thehospital, right, they're getting
really anxious, they're goingto get a poke or something,
something that they're worriedabout and you can.
They can always grab, you know,a little bean bag or or a hacky
sack or something and just passit back and forth and it can
just be a nice way of soothingthemselves and just interrupting
that pattern.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (21:38):
I'm going to teach that to my parents of my
kids with ADHD.
Oh, my goodness, yeah, becausethere's a lot of anxiety
associated with our childrenthat have those diagnoses.
So, thank you, I'm going to usethat one.
So please tell our listenerswhere they can find out more
about you and coaching servicesthat you have.
Dr. Samara Potter (22:00):
So I have a website called, and it's www.
motheringthrough.
com, and you can also find me onInstagram.
I'm at Kids Cancer Coach, andthen also I have a podcast also
called Mothering ThroughChildhood Cancer is what it's
(22:20):
actually called, the full nameand so you can find me through
any of those rooms.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (22:25):
Wow, wonderful.
So we're going to post all ofthat in the show notes and thank
you again for what you do.
Thank you for coming on andsharing this nuggets with us
Really grateful, absolutely.
Thanks for having me andparents listening.
Please share this episode withyour friends, your family and
people you know that need tohear this, and we'll see you on
(22:47):
the next episode.
Thank you.
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