February 17, 2025 • 34 mins
Exploring the transformative power of communication, this episode unveils strategies for building deeper connections with children.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne shares insights on inherited communication styles, the importance of conscious parenting, and ways to listen actively to foster emotional intelligence.
In this episode you’ll find:
• Importance of communication in parenting
• Understanding inherited communication styles
• Engaging in peer conversations for growth
• Conscious vs. traditional parenting methods
• Teaching resilience through effective communication
• Modeling honesty about emotions
• Active listening as a fundamental tool
• Connecting through shared activities and play
• Intentional time management for family relationships
Connect with Dr. Maiysha:
mindremappingacademy.com
www.linkedin.com/in/drmaiysha
www.instagram.com/drmaiysha
www.facebook.com/drmaiysha
www.youtube.com/drmaiysha
www.tiktok.com/drmaiysha
Listen to the full episode on your favorite podcast platform and check out the video version on our YouTube channel!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (00:00):
Hello parents, welcome to another episode of
Brain Power with Dr Eko, andtoday we have the amazing Dr
Maiysha Clairborne with me andI'm going to let her introduce
herself, because she is simply apowerhouse.
So, dr Maiysha, welcome to theshow and please introduce
yourself.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (00:17):
Dr Eko, first of all, thank you so much
for having me on the show.
I'm so excited for thisconversation today.
You know I love love.
I just share with you on theshow.
I'm so excited for thisconversation today.
You know I love love.
I just share with you behindthe scenes.
I love talking to parents.
I love talking about parentingand communication.
So I'm so excited about theconversation.
So, for those of you who don'tknow me, I'm Dr Myesha Claiborne
(00:39):
.
My trained specialty is familymedicine and I grew up in the
world of integrative medicine.
That means that I integrated inmore holistic modalities into
my practice for the many yearsthat I did this.
I practiced for about 15 yearsand then I transitioned out to
coaching and I coach from abrain communication neuroscience
(01:04):
standpoint, a braincommunication neuroscience
standpoint.
I help people with unhealedtrauma to be able to process
that trauma and release thattrauma, the negative emotions,
limiting beliefs and decisionsthat hold us back, that impact
our behaviors, that impact ourcommunication.
And I teach people how tocommunicate in ways that leave
you feeling seen, heard,respected, valued and others
(01:25):
welcome.
So that's what I now do.
I have, I have oh, and I'm alsoa mom, of course.
It's the most important part.
It's the most important part.
I am a mom.
I have a.
Currently at the time of thispodcast, he is in the fourth
grade, he just turned 10 and weare in the world of preteen and
(01:48):
it is very interesting.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (01:50):
Yes I, I have a.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (01:52):
I have a 12 year old too, so I'm a 15
year old, so I I get it yeah,he's at this stage where, like,
there's the part of him thatlike still lovey-dovey and he's
like, oh, mommy, can you checkon me, or can I have a hug, or
can I this?
But then, like five minuteslater, he's like you know,
snappy, snappy and you knowarguing with me and I'm like
(02:14):
dude, like what.
So I told him last night.
I said you know what?
I'm gonna buy you a book onpuberty so you can know what's
happening inside your body.
He's like I'd rather just talkto you about it.
I was like you can know what'shappening inside your body.
He's like I'd rather just talkto you about it.
I was like you can talk to meabout it, but you're still going
to read the book too, right?
Dr. Hokehe Eko (02:31):
Wow, that is so wonderful and I love that you
you said you focus oncommunication in the realm of
parenting, and so let's talkabout that.
So and I know you alsomentioned you talk to people
from the angle of neuroscienceand all things brain, which is
so important because our brainsrun off literally.
(02:52):
And so, yes, tell us parents,what strategies can we implement
to communicate better with ourkids, or maybe we should even
start earlier than that.
What are our communicationstyles that we need to address
with ourselves and then how canwe improve that with our kids?
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (03:11):
I think I'll start with the fact that we
think that we are consciouslycommunicating and oftentimes we
are communicating number one.
Let's just face it, we're notreally taught how to communicate
effectively as kids.
So, by and large, we inheritour communication.
(03:33):
We inherit it from, you know,generations from, like cultural,
like the cultures that we comefrom.
We inherit it from what ourparents did and what their
parents did.
We inherited from society andwhat our educators taught us,
like there's all these ways thatwe inherit, the ways that we
communicate, and even our peers,right.
(03:54):
So now my son's 10 and he'susing all this Gen Alpha slang
and even I'm like starting tolike use it a little bit, just
to try to relate to him, youknow.
And he really doesn't like whenI use genalco slang.
By the way, that's theuncoolest thing that I can be
doing is using his slang.
Imagine that, right?
(04:15):
Right, so we inherit all theseways of communication, but we're
not necessarily taught what arethe effective ways.
They may have been effective insome ways, but not always the
most healthy ways, right?
So the way that I'm a Gen Xer,the way that my parents talked
(04:42):
to me, it was very fear-basedand it installed.
I have sort of deconstructed thetrauma that I've experienced in
my childhood aroundcommunication, around
interaction.
And don't get me wrong, myparents were great parents.
They are great parents, they'restill with us.
I love them.
We're tight, tight and Irecognize some of the unhealthy
(05:02):
habits that I picked up alongthe way in communication and how
, when I as a younger parent,when Delson was younger, a lot
of the ways that I communicatedwas fear-based.
And so, even when you do a lotof personal development, having
a child changes you because youknow the child knows all the
buttons and they push all thebuttons and there's a higher
(05:25):
level of worry and unconsciousfear that we have, and so it can
actually activate.
It can activate fear that wedidn't know we even had.
So I think it's important tostart there to start with.
What are the ways that weinherited communication and what
are the?
What are the unconsciousbeliefs and and things that were
(05:46):
installed in us that have usinteract with our young people
the way we do?
Dr. Hokehe Eko (05:51):
and what are some ways that we, as parents,
can sit down long enough to havethis conversation with
ourselves, like what things canfacilitate that you know, I I
like like having dialogues withfriends and with spouses.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (06:06):
So if you're, you know, if you're
married, if you have a spouse Icurrently I mean I personally,
I'm a single mom, so I have myconversations with other moms.
I think it's so useful for usto talk with each other, to
begin to have theseconversations like okay, this is
how I was when I grew up.
You know, when I grew up, itwas leave your feelings at the
door.
Or when I grew up, you know, mykid couldn't talk to me like
(06:27):
this without a, you know a flipflop being thrown or something
being thrown at you or you knowit used to be.
They just go for the belt.
So like to understand, like, ok, this is how we were grew up.
We grew up.
How do we want to change that?
You know what are some of theconversations.
I think it's also important tounderstand that we're not alone
(06:48):
in these conversations, becauseit's easy to then take on guilt
mom guilt for the ways thatwe're interacting with our kids.
But we have to understand thatonce we are aware we can shift
and change.
And kids are incrediblyresilient, right, I think that's
good.
And they see when you're tryingto make the change.
(07:10):
They can see it, even if theydon't say it right, and
sometimes they will say it.
And so I think the first thingwe do is we start having
conversations with each other.
We start having conversationswith our spouses Say, okay, you
know what, this is the way Igrew up, but this is not exactly
the way I want to interact withmy kids.
(07:30):
Or if it's like well, if wehave one spouse that says, well,
I don't see why we need tochange, it worked for us to
really look at.
Well, it might've worked for us, but did it leave us a little
traumatized, you know.
So there's, there's thatconversation.
And then the third thing Ithink to also recognize is to
not over to, not over compensate, because we talk about this,
(07:51):
this concept of, of, of gentleparenting and I'm a Gen X again,
so I don't know nothing aboutthat coming up Like what is that
Right?
And when I first heard ofgentle parenting, I was like,
and I saw that you would seethese certain depictions in
(08:14):
certain cultures of what gentleparenting looked like.
And I'm like, no, I'm not goingthat far, no, right.
But as I've learned about whatand I like to reframe it as
conscious parenting right, whenI've learned more about what
gentle parenting or consciousparenting looks like, it doesn't
mean that you take away achild's ability to be able to
(08:39):
experience adversity.
Right, we have to tell our kidsno sometimes, because guess
what?
They're going to go in theworld and hear no.
They need to understand whatrejection is and not be able to
make a story up about it, aboutthemselves.
That builds resilience.
(09:00):
I don't always give my sonchoices.
I give him choices for the mostpart, but sometimes I'm like
you know, you're going to go outin the world and you're going
to have areas where there's notgoing to be choices for you.
Right there, you can find aworkaround Right, but I can't
always give you all the choicesthat you want.
You know you have to teach ourchildren responsibility.
(09:22):
I know that in my generation wealways want to make it better
for the next generation and soyou know, I stopped having my
cleaners come every couple ofweeks because now I have a son
who is capable of sweepingfloors and cleaning the bathroom
and making his own lunch.
But I know parents yeah, I knowparents who are like, oh, they
(09:45):
shouldn't have to do all of that.
And I'm like, oh, yes, theyshould, because when we have
kids who are growing up, whocan't boil an egg, cook pasta
which are, I think, the two mostsimple things to do, right, you
know who who can clean theirhouse, who can't wash their
clothes.
So these are the conversationswe have with each other.
I often am colluding with momslike, okay, what's your kid
(10:08):
doing?
Okay, is this normal?
Okay, this is how I'm doing it.
What are you doing?
And when we exist in communitythat way, then we can really we
can, we can grow together andempower ourselves to be able to
empower each other.
And if you know that youstruggle with communication,
(10:30):
then that's where you you seekthat outside counsel, that
outside help you know,absolutely, and I think
everybody needs a therapist,including the therapists
themselves.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (10:42):
That's right, that's right.
It's so important to be able tosay this outside of yourself,
get it out of you, write it outon the paper.
That's why they see journalright and all of those things,
because it definitely makes adifference.
My life, I've seen it for sure.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (10:59):
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely yeah.
So one of the things that Ihave learned and I'm still
learning, and I'm alwayslearning is how to listen to my
son, how to listen differentlyfrom how I was listened to, and
also how to listen to my sondifferently than how I listen to
adults, because I think thatsometimes we think that children
(11:25):
are little adults.
They're not.
They are young, developingbrains, and it can be easy,
especially when your child ismaybe like, has a, I like to say
, an old soul or a mature soul,to almost mistake them from
being a grown person.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (11:46):
Yes.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (11:47):
Yeah, and I will, you know, like,
admit like I still do that and Ihave to.
My son reminds me, he willremind me I'm just a kid, or I
was overwhelmed and I'm like, ohyeah, you know, that makes
sense.
You are 10 after all, you know,and so understanding for me
(12:09):
personally and also the thingthat I often share, you know,
with other parents isunderstanding where our kids are
in their development and intheir developmental stages can
be incredibly helpful in framinghow we speak to them.
Right, you know, and I alsothink that while we have to
(12:32):
understand that they'redeveloping, we also can give
them credit for their ability toprocess difficult things.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (12:41):
Yeah.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (12:42):
And so we can also communicate honestly
with them, right, and when wemodel emotional intelligence,
then they kind of they canbecome, they can pick that up,
they can absorb that.
So I talk to my son about myfeelings.
You know, like, if I'm feelingsad, or if I'm feeling if I have
a loss, you know like I had acommunity, a person in my
(13:05):
community who died, and I wasfeeling sad, and he would say,
mommy, you look sad.
I said, well, I am sad.
I said, you know, we lost aperson in our community.
And he would say, oh, I'm sorry, you know.
And then and they said, well,you know what?
Can I give you a hug?
And I always let him know thatit's not his responsibility to
make me feel better, but I thinkit's very sweet that he wants
(13:25):
to comfort me, right, and so,like really being honest with
our emotions, if I'm stressed, Imight say, hey, today I'm
stressed out, so I need, I needyou to cooperate with me today,
right, because my bandwidth isshorter, right.
So these are some ways that wecan begin to be honest and open
(13:49):
and model communication.
The more we are able to do thework with ourselves, to be able
to expand our own emotionalintelligence to be able to
expand our own capacity forcommunication and heal our own
internal trauma, the better wewill be at modeling the type of
(14:10):
behavior that we want to teachour children.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (14:13):
Absolutely so.
I had a thought when you justsaid something about when your
son sees you're sad and then hereaches out and and says sorry,
I want to give you a hug.
And you said it's not hisresponsibility to make you feel
better.
How do you, how do you havethat conversation where?
So the kid doesn't think Idon't know.
(14:35):
How do you have thatconversation well with them, to
explain that better to them sothey don't think OK, mommy's
saying I shouldn't show empathybecause that's not what you're
saying, correct.
The child may not understandthat.
And I was just curious.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (14:51):
Yeah Well, so I kind of listen for
when he might be tipping intothat.
Ok, okay, you know.
So that's more more how I do itgenerally.
If he's like, well, let me help, you know, give you a hug and
and, and then I, you know, wehug and we cuddle and that's it
makes me feel better but, everynow and then.
You know I have I'm a recoveringpeople pleaser and sometimes I
(15:13):
see it right if he's like, ohyou know, but I want to do this
to make you feel better.
I want to make you, I want tomake you when he starts using
that language too much, then Iwill say I want, I want you to
know that I've I'm, I soappreciate that you want to make
me feel better.
And I also want you to knowthat it's not your
responsibility to to make mefeel any kind of way Right.
(15:34):
So, like you're.
You're, you know, like you'rethe child and I'm the adult, so
I should be able to.
You know, there's nothing thatyou need to take out of my way,
you know.
But, and so it's like that kindof like that and piece, and I
really love cuddling with youand it does make me feel better.
So that's kind of that's theway I put it but I don't, and
(16:00):
it's not something that, it'snot a conversation I have all
the time.
It's just when I start to hearthat, well, I want to do this so
that you or I want to make you,or want to make you feel this
way, or make you feel that whatcan I do to not make you feel as
stressed out?
And I'll just say, well, mebeing stressed out has nothing
to do with you.
Mommy's going to mommy's handle.
That.
It's just how I'm feeling rightnow.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (16:18):
Right, thank you , with you, mommy's gonna
mommy's handle that.
It's just how I'm feeling rightnow.
Right, thank you.
Because, yeah, I hear peoplesay that and I always wonder,
like, how did he really say tothe kids?
Because you don't want the kidsto go off thinking, oh yeah, I
don't have to show empathy andokay, whatever, whatever, I was
like you're shutting them down,even though they they have that,
that in that building phase ofbuilding how they respond to the
(16:39):
world and how they respond topeople.
So the balance of it, yeah yeahthat was a I like that.
You said you don't have thatconversation all the time and
you just listen out for thelanguaging yeah, you know the
listening piece is so important,right?
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (16:58):
I think that's the piece that I don't
know.
At least my parents, not by anyfault of theirs they weren't
like the best listeners Because,you know, back in the day it's
like speak when you're spoken to, you're a child, be in a
child's place, so of coursethey're not really listening to
us.
You know, just beyond logistics, You're so right, I mean.
(17:25):
I grew up in the same era.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (17:28):
It's like that's right.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborn (17:30):
Logistics .
You know that's all they wantto hear, like what are you doing
that you're supposed to do,what?
What do you?
What homework do you have?
What you know, like where do wehave to go?
Like it's logistics right, andso what do you have?
You know, like where do we haveto go, like it's logistics
right, and so what do you wantfor dinner?
Or eat what's your dinner.
Yes, that's right too, rightRight.
(17:51):
But like listening to what'simportant, listening a little
bit more deeply to our kids willhelp us to number one know when
there's a problem early onright.
Know when there's a problem,early on and I asked my son
questions, you know we were atthe pediatrician's for his
10-year well child check earlierthis week and I let him fill
(18:13):
out the form and I was doing thesports physical form and he was
doing like the regular, youknow, form that, what does he
like to do?
You know all the littlepersonal questions that they ask
.
He was doing that part.
So there was a question thatwas like you know, do you feel
sad or do you feel sad most ofthe days?
Do you worry most of the days?
(18:33):
And I didn't feel that outuntil I had a chance to like ask
him Right, right.
So I asked the the question, Ishowed him the question, I said
which, which one should I putright so that he could be, he
could answer that question andit gives me some information and
and if, whether he's hesitatingand like I'm sort of watching,
but he's just without questionanswers, you know.
So that those that's the kindof listening that we can begin
(18:58):
to do as parents also.
Also, when our kids are tellingus those seemingly random things
about their day.
This is a time to listen to,because you can catch, like,
what's important to your child,right, and when you can catch
what's important to your child,you can motivate them.
Let me say that one again oh,yes, please, when you understand
(19:21):
what's important to your child,you can motivate them.
So my son likes video games, helikes anime.
He's into that.
Now, okay, he likes.
What else does he like?
He likes playing his.
He likes reading, reading onthe iPad, reading books on the
iPad and listening to podcasts.
So, you know, I leverage that alittle bit.
(19:43):
You can listen to the podcastafter you complete your chores.
Woohoo, of course, right, youknow, if you, you know we're
going to for his 10th birthdayin lieu of, since it's the 10th,
in lieu of a birthday party.
I'm turning 50 in April.
We're going to go to Japan inthe summer.
So I say to him listen, we'renot going to, if it's okay with
(20:07):
you.
We're not going to have abirthday party because we're
going to Japan.
I'm going to put the money thatI usually spend on your
birthday party towards our Japantrip, okay, and we'll make sure
that we visit all your favoriteanime places Right?
Oh, no problem, right.
So listening to what you knowis important to your kids.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (20:28):
You can leverage and motivate them Right.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (20:32):
I said what's your goal for your grades
?
And he says, well, my goal isto get all A's.
So later on, if he'scomplaining about homework or I
say, well, you said you wantedto get all A's, what do you
think you need to do?
Dr. Hokehe Eko (20:47):
Correct.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (20:49):
You know you have to answer it yourself.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (20:50):
You have to coach yourself to give you the
right answer.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (20:54):
Right, that's right.
So you know, those are somelittle tips and tricks that use
to to motivate my kid, that Ioften share with parents.
And as you think about it,we're coming back to brain
science, neuroscience.
We are we're we'redirectionalizing our child's
thinking of what I do mybackground training in
(21:18):
neuro-linguistic programming ishow you use language, spoken and
unspoken, to directionalize aperson's thinking, and
oftentimes we communicate justlike unaware, with an
unawareness.
We don't always pay attentionto what's coming out of our
mouth, we're not payingattention to our thoughts, and
(21:39):
when we're not paying attentionto our thoughts and what's
coming out of our mouth, wecause harm.
And so when we can slow downand think about how we're saying
things, how we want tocommunicate, what is the
direction of thinking that wewant our child to have empowered
thinking that we want our childto have empowered thinking that
(21:59):
we want our child to have, orhow we motivate them, then we
can listen to find out what arethose key words or key interests
to be able to directionalizethat thinking.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (22:13):
Absolutely Well, that means we have to stop the
chanter in our brain long enough, put down our phones too long,
you know, to hear this messageand text it to us.
Yes, and if they cry for help,they're like, please hear me.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (22:28):
Yes, yeah, and I mean, we can have
fun too with our kids.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (22:34):
I've been teaching cats and hounds to do
it.
It's like there's so much adultthing to do is like I don't
have time for that, but we haveto have time for that.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (22:43):
Like that's critical you know this
myth that we have to play forhours and hours with our kids in
order to have fun with them.
But do you know 15 minutes?
Their concept of time is verydifferent from ours.
15 minutes of a game of go fishis like so gratifying to them,
(23:05):
me and my son.
We have 15 minutes before Ihave to go upstairs and get on a
meeting.
Yeah, then or call.
Then I say, okay, well, let'splay a game of Uno Spin.
He loves Uno, uno Spin rightGets real competitive with some
Uno.
So we play Uno, or we play GoFish, or we play 21, blackjack
(23:27):
Right, or we play I Declare War.
We play Monopoly, monopolytakes a little bit longer.
We need 30 minutes for Monopoly.
Monopoly takes a little bitlonger.
We need 30 minutes for Monopoly.
Oh no, because we're likewrestling.
Yes, yes, yes.
So you know these little bit oftime periods, if we can put 15
(23:49):
minutes a day.
You know that is chef's kiss toour young kids.
It is it, kids.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (23:56):
It is, it is, it is.
Oh, my goodness, it makes sucha difference, yeah, when my kids
are like come play with me.
But I had to remind myself it'sso important because it's the
way they speak.
Love, right?
Yes, yeah, that's why it justreminded me of my book that I
wrote Children's Love Lettersand the spell smells love
(24:18):
because it's not time, like weknow.
We always say it's time and thenwe parents are thinking I don't
have time, so why am I going tospend the time?
Well, it's in so many.
It's on all the little thingsthat we do.
They spell love.
They spell, yeah, I meanlooking at them in their eyes
and putting down my.
My 12 year old tells me all thetime mommy, I'm talking to you,
(24:40):
put the phone down.
Okay, I'm getting bad.
I put the phone down because Iempowered him to tell me and
I've told my kids.
If you hear mommy raising hervoice continuously, she's giving
you permission to say Mommy,you told us not to yell at each
other and it stops my brainBecause, really, what comes out
(25:01):
of the yelling in the end?
It just hypes you, it buildsyour own blood pressure and
makes things not go well, true.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (25:11):
You know what?
Dr. Hokehe Eko (25:12):
I mean.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (25:13):
Listen, I love that and you know our.
I love the and and they was.
And you know, the kids, ourkids, are not gonna remember the
things that we gave them.
They're gonna remember thethings we did with them.
Yes, you know, yeah, yeah.
So you know, I, we used to thisyear, I, I didn't do a great,
great job of it we used to gobike riding together, like me
(25:33):
and my son, I finally got a bikethat was passed down to me by
my parents after they moved outof the country and so, and so
that's like that's a thing.
You know, we like put the bikeson on the rack and or we,
sometimes it's simple, we justgo walking in the neighborhood.
Yes, you know, just go walkaround the neighborhood and chat
.
He has a joke book, he likes totell jokes.
(25:54):
You know, at the dinner table Isaid, do you sit down and eat
with your kids?
And the kids are like when yousit down and eat with the kids,
put the phone away.
Right, sometimes, if I bring myphone, he'll be like all right,
you know, right, you know,unless I'm looking at funny
videos with him.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (26:10):
Absolutely right .
So you're absolutely right.
So something I did the otherday with my, my seven-year-old.
I dropped her at school.
She didn't quite want to getout of the car.
She's like, oh, I'm just gonnadab.
She's like a little diva in themaking.
She had her sun shades on andwas crossing her legs in the
back seat.
Oh, baby, okay, I'm like yourmother needs to take notes.
Then she looked out of thewindow and looked at the sky.
(26:35):
She's like, mommy, look, theclouds are racing.
And I was like, oh, and shelooked.
I'm like, oh, yes, they are.
And we had the best 10 minuteswatching the clouds race.
And then I said to her, what ifwe race the clouds after school
?
And so it made me so happy andI was like why it was just that
(26:55):
simple watching the crowds raisethemselves.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (26:59):
You know , so interesting it's such a
good point you make Like itmakes us feel good too.
Yeah, it does.
We think in the moment we think, oh, I don't have time, I have
so much to do.
When we actually stop.
I really got this during thepandemic.
Like you know, the pandemic dida lot of really bad things but
(27:22):
it also did some some goodthings for us and for me
personally.
It really reconnected me toplay because I was kind of
forced to do it, right.
I mean, my kid was home forkindergarten and you know he's a
kindergarten so they reallyneed more of that attention.
He's an only child so he didn'thave another, another somebody
to play with and we don't dotelevision like all day, every
day.
So you know we'd be outside inthe back throwing a Frisbee, you
know, or outside shooting somebasketball hoops, and it got me
(27:44):
really connected to my own senseof play, which connected me
more to him.
You know, and so that was justsuper fun to fun to to like
experience, like when now wetell jokes, you know, at the at
the dinner table yeah and and,or we do riddles, like we just
make up random riddles thatdon't make sense, kind of thing,
(28:05):
or would you rather he loves,would you rather?
would you rather be a tree orthe leaves on the tree?
Okay, that's a good one.
Would you rather be the dirt,or the or the worms in the dirt?
I'm a boy, so that's the kindof stuff we do, right, right,
wonderful wow, I love it so.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (28:27):
So, parents, I hope you're hearing the simple
ways I mean, and it also tapsinto the kid in us, because all
of us have kids.
We still have a kid in usthat's there and that we need to
nourish and take care of still.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (28:40):
Yeah.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (28:42):
When you lose touch with who you really are on
the inside, then you lose touchwith everything else I mean.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (28:49):
So true, it's so true.
But you know what?
It does take intention.
Yes, it does take intention,and in our very, very busy lives
(29:12):
it also takes structure Right.
So one of the things that I dois I have, because I, especially
because I own my own business,I have to structure time away
from work.
And, and so you know, peoplemight say well, you have to, you
have to schedule time.
Yes, I schedule the.
Between this time and this timeis time with my kid, it may be
dinner time, it may be timeafter that, but, like between
these times, it's blocked off,I'm inaccessible right right to
others for anything, for phonecalls, for anything, and so that
(29:34):
allows me to be able to, whensometimes Delson will help me
come cook.
When we sit down for dinner,it's just me and him.
After dinner I always go, andyou know, and we sit down in the
living room and we're like whatare we going to do Right now?
Because we're going to Japan inMay.
We are doing Duolingo, japaneselesson.
(29:56):
We're going to do our Duolingo,right, and we do that for like
10 minutes, and then maybe we goplay a game or something.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (30:04):
Yeah.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (30:05):
But it takes like real intention,
intentionality to be able to dothat.
So it's scheduled, it's, andthen on the weekend, like, okay,
this time is for my son, thistime is for any work that I need
to get done, and then thathelps him too because he can
understand that, okay, this ismy time, and then when mommy's
(30:29):
doing her admin time, she'sdoing her admin time and then
she'll be back with me.
Right, this is our bedtime,ritual stuff together, like
whether I'm reading or whetherwe're just doing our cuddle time
, goodnight time or whatever.
That is, this is my time.
And he always gets that time.
And providing that consistencyand that structure for your kid
(30:51):
also gives them a sense ofsafety and security as well.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (30:57):
And love and peace and joy and all the good
things.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (31:02):
All of those yeah.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (31:04):
And foster their growth as children, because
really children need all thoseingredients.
When you look at kids who havebeen in orphanages versus kids
who are loved both this there'sa difference, like just who
people grow right.
So so yeah all the reasons whyyes, wow, we could go on and on
(31:24):
forever.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (31:25):
Oh my gosh yeah part two of this.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (31:27):
So thank you in advance for coming back so but
I'd love to.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (31:32):
I'd love to, and and you know we could
also continue the conversationon my podcast.
I need to have it on my podcasttoo, okay.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (31:42):
I'll be there, yes, so can you please tell our
parents where they can find outmore information about the
amazing services you provide?
Dr. Maiysha Clairbor (31:50):
Absolutely , absolutely.
So.
My primary website ismindremappingacademycom
mindremappingacademycom, andthere are a couple of ways that
you can engage with me.
So, if you're, if you'rethinking you know what, I would
really love some one-on-onecoaching, particularly if you're
like well, you know, I know Ihave some things I need to, like
(32:11):
get rid of some old trauma frommy parenting.
I need to, I want to reparentmyself.
That's something that I canhelp you work with.
If you are inside of anorganization or community group
and you're like man, this shouldbe a great speaker to come and
talk about this type of thing.
If you're, if you're anorganization, have an ERG group,
that's also a place where youcan engage with me.
(32:33):
And finally, I have a podcast.
So it's called Behind Beliefsand Behaviors and it's a
communication podcast.
So if you're like I just wantto hear more about her, then you
can go and you can listen tothe podcast, where I talk lots
about communication and waysthat we can listen, ways that we
can create trust and safety,and so those are the, but the
(32:54):
primary website ismindremappingacademycom, and
everything will be there for youto peruse.
In terms of social media, I'mon most platforms.
I'm on Instagram and I'm onLinkedIn and Facebook, and I'm
also on TikTok and YouTube, soI'm on all of them.
It's backslash, dr Myesha.
(33:17):
Whatever your favorite platformis, just go there and you can
follow me.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (33:24):
Please do something good for yourself and
go follow her.
That's what I'm going to say.
Thank you so much again forsharing your wisdom with us and
coming on here and parents,please share this episode with
family and friends that you knowneed to hear it.
And until next time, have awonderful day, thank you.
Hello parents, welcome to another episode of
Brain Power with Dr Eko, andtoday we have the amazing Dr
Maiysha Clairborne with me andI'm going to let her introduce
herself, because she is simply apowerhouse.
So, dr Maiysha, welcome to theshow and please introduce
yourself.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (00:17):
Dr Eko, first of all, thank you so much
for having me on the show.
I'm so excited for thisconversation today.
You know I love love.
I just share with you on theshow.
I'm so excited for thisconversation today.
You know I love love.
I just share with you behindthe scenes.
I love talking to parents.
I love talking about parentingand communication.
So I'm so excited about theconversation.
So, for those of you who don'tknow me, I'm Dr Myesha Claiborne
(00:39):
.
My trained specialty is familymedicine and I grew up in the
world of integrative medicine.
That means that I integrated inmore holistic modalities into
my practice for the many yearsthat I did this.
I practiced for about 15 yearsand then I transitioned out to
coaching and I coach from abrain communication neuroscience
(01:04):
standpoint, a braincommunication neuroscience
standpoint.
I help people with unhealedtrauma to be able to process
that trauma and release thattrauma, the negative emotions,
limiting beliefs and decisionsthat hold us back, that impact
our behaviors, that impact ourcommunication.
And I teach people how tocommunicate in ways that leave
you feeling seen, heard,respected, valued and others
(01:25):
welcome.
So that's what I now do.
I have, I have oh, and I'm alsoa mom, of course.
It's the most important part.
It's the most important part.
I am a mom.
I have a.
Currently at the time of thispodcast, he is in the fourth
grade, he just turned 10 and weare in the world of preteen and
(01:48):
it is very interesting.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (01:50):
Yes I, I have a.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (01:52):
I have a 12 year old too, so I'm a 15
year old, so I I get it yeah,he's at this stage where, like,
there's the part of him thatlike still lovey-dovey and he's
like, oh, mommy, can you checkon me, or can I have a hug, or
can I this?
But then, like five minuteslater, he's like you know,
snappy, snappy and you knowarguing with me and I'm like
(02:14):
dude, like what.
So I told him last night.
I said you know what?
I'm gonna buy you a book onpuberty so you can know what's
happening inside your body.
He's like I'd rather just talkto you about it.
I was like you can know what'shappening inside your body.
He's like I'd rather just talkto you about it.
I was like you can talk to meabout it, but you're still going
to read the book too, right?
Dr. Hokehe Eko (02:31):
Wow, that is so wonderful and I love that you
you said you focus oncommunication in the realm of
parenting, and so let's talkabout that.
So and I know you alsomentioned you talk to people
from the angle of neuroscienceand all things brain, which is
so important because our brainsrun off literally.
(02:52):
And so, yes, tell us parents,what strategies can we implement
to communicate better with ourkids, or maybe we should even
start earlier than that.
What are our communicationstyles that we need to address
with ourselves and then how canwe improve that with our kids?
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (03:11):
I think I'll start with the fact that we
think that we are consciouslycommunicating and oftentimes we
are communicating number one.
Let's just face it, we're notreally taught how to communicate
effectively as kids.
So, by and large, we inheritour communication.
(03:33):
We inherit it from, you know,generations from, like cultural,
like the cultures that we comefrom.
We inherit it from what ourparents did and what their
parents did.
We inherited from society andwhat our educators taught us,
like there's all these ways thatwe inherit, the ways that we
communicate, and even our peers,right.
(03:54):
So now my son's 10 and he'susing all this Gen Alpha slang
and even I'm like starting tolike use it a little bit, just
to try to relate to him, youknow.
And he really doesn't like whenI use genalco slang.
By the way, that's theuncoolest thing that I can be
doing is using his slang.
Imagine that, right?
(04:15):
Right, so we inherit all theseways of communication, but we're
not necessarily taught what arethe effective ways.
They may have been effective insome ways, but not always the
most healthy ways, right?
So the way that I'm a Gen Xer,the way that my parents talked
(04:42):
to me, it was very fear-basedand it installed.
I have sort of deconstructed thetrauma that I've experienced in
my childhood aroundcommunication, around
interaction.
And don't get me wrong, myparents were great parents.
They are great parents, they'restill with us.
I love them.
We're tight, tight and Irecognize some of the unhealthy
(05:02):
habits that I picked up alongthe way in communication and how
, when I as a younger parent,when Delson was younger, a lot
of the ways that I communicatedwas fear-based.
And so, even when you do a lotof personal development, having
a child changes you because youknow the child knows all the
buttons and they push all thebuttons and there's a higher
(05:25):
level of worry and unconsciousfear that we have, and so it can
actually activate.
It can activate fear that wedidn't know we even had.
So I think it's important tostart there to start with.
What are the ways that weinherited communication and what
are the?
What are the unconsciousbeliefs and and things that were
(05:46):
installed in us that have usinteract with our young people
the way we do?
Dr. Hokehe Eko (05:51):
and what are some ways that we, as parents,
can sit down long enough to havethis conversation with
ourselves, like what things canfacilitate that you know, I I
like like having dialogues withfriends and with spouses.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (06:06):
So if you're, you know, if you're
married, if you have a spouse Icurrently I mean I personally,
I'm a single mom, so I have myconversations with other moms.
I think it's so useful for usto talk with each other, to
begin to have theseconversations like okay, this is
how I was when I grew up.
You know, when I grew up, itwas leave your feelings at the
door.
Or when I grew up, you know, mykid couldn't talk to me like
(06:27):
this without a, you know a flipflop being thrown or something
being thrown at you or you knowit used to be.
They just go for the belt.
So like to understand, like, ok, this is how we were grew up.
We grew up.
How do we want to change that?
You know what are some of theconversations.
I think it's also important tounderstand that we're not alone
(06:48):
in these conversations, becauseit's easy to then take on guilt
mom guilt for the ways thatwe're interacting with our kids.
But we have to understand thatonce we are aware we can shift
and change.
And kids are incrediblyresilient, right, I think that's
good.
And they see when you're tryingto make the change.
(07:10):
They can see it, even if theydon't say it right, and
sometimes they will say it.
And so I think the first thingwe do is we start having
conversations with each other.
We start having conversationswith our spouses Say, okay, you
know what, this is the way Igrew up, but this is not exactly
the way I want to interact withmy kids.
(07:30):
Or if it's like well, if wehave one spouse that says, well,
I don't see why we need tochange, it worked for us to
really look at.
Well, it might've worked for us, but did it leave us a little
traumatized, you know.
So there's, there's thatconversation.
And then the third thing Ithink to also recognize is to
not over to, not over compensate, because we talk about this,
(07:51):
this concept of, of, of gentleparenting and I'm a Gen X again,
so I don't know nothing aboutthat coming up Like what is that
Right?
And when I first heard ofgentle parenting, I was like,
and I saw that you would seethese certain depictions in
(08:14):
certain cultures of what gentleparenting looked like.
And I'm like, no, I'm not goingthat far, no, right.
But as I've learned about whatand I like to reframe it as
conscious parenting right, whenI've learned more about what
gentle parenting or consciousparenting looks like, it doesn't
mean that you take away achild's ability to be able to
(08:39):
experience adversity.
Right, we have to tell our kidsno sometimes, because guess
what?
They're going to go in theworld and hear no.
They need to understand whatrejection is and not be able to
make a story up about it, aboutthemselves.
That builds resilience.
(09:00):
I don't always give my sonchoices.
I give him choices for the mostpart, but sometimes I'm like
you know, you're going to go outin the world and you're going
to have areas where there's notgoing to be choices for you.
Right there, you can find aworkaround Right, but I can't
always give you all the choicesthat you want.
You know you have to teach ourchildren responsibility.
(09:22):
I know that in my generation wealways want to make it better
for the next generation and soyou know, I stopped having my
cleaners come every couple ofweeks because now I have a son
who is capable of sweepingfloors and cleaning the bathroom
and making his own lunch.
But I know parents yeah, I knowparents who are like, oh, they
(09:45):
shouldn't have to do all of that.
And I'm like, oh, yes, theyshould, because when we have
kids who are growing up, whocan't boil an egg, cook pasta
which are, I think, the two mostsimple things to do, right, you
know who who can clean theirhouse, who can't wash their
clothes.
So these are the conversationswe have with each other.
I often am colluding with momslike, okay, what's your kid
(10:08):
doing?
Okay, is this normal?
Okay, this is how I'm doing it.
What are you doing?
And when we exist in communitythat way, then we can really we
can, we can grow together andempower ourselves to be able to
empower each other.
And if you know that youstruggle with communication,
(10:30):
then that's where you you seekthat outside counsel, that
outside help you know,absolutely, and I think
everybody needs a therapist,including the therapists
themselves.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (10:42):
That's right, that's right.
It's so important to be able tosay this outside of yourself,
get it out of you, write it outon the paper.
That's why they see journalright and all of those things,
because it definitely makes adifference.
My life, I've seen it for sure.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (10:59):
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely yeah.
So one of the things that Ihave learned and I'm still
learning, and I'm alwayslearning is how to listen to my
son, how to listen differentlyfrom how I was listened to, and
also how to listen to my sondifferently than how I listen to
adults, because I think thatsometimes we think that children
(11:25):
are little adults.
They're not.
They are young, developingbrains, and it can be easy,
especially when your child ismaybe like, has a, I like to say
, an old soul or a mature soul,to almost mistake them from
being a grown person.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (11:46):
Yes.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (11:47):
Yeah, and I will, you know, like,
admit like I still do that and Ihave to.
My son reminds me, he willremind me I'm just a kid, or I
was overwhelmed and I'm like, ohyeah, you know, that makes
sense.
You are 10 after all, you know,and so understanding for me
(12:09):
personally and also the thingthat I often share, you know,
with other parents isunderstanding where our kids are
in their development and intheir developmental stages can
be incredibly helpful in framinghow we speak to them.
Right, you know, and I alsothink that while we have to
(12:32):
understand that they'redeveloping, we also can give
them credit for their ability toprocess difficult things.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (12:41):
Yeah.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (12:42):
And so we can also communicate honestly
with them, right, and when wemodel emotional intelligence,
then they kind of they canbecome, they can pick that up,
they can absorb that.
So I talk to my son about myfeelings.
You know, like, if I'm feelingsad, or if I'm feeling if I have
a loss, you know like I had acommunity, a person in my
(13:05):
community who died, and I wasfeeling sad, and he would say,
mommy, you look sad.
I said, well, I am sad.
I said, you know, we lost aperson in our community.
And he would say, oh, I'm sorry, you know.
And then and they said, well,you know what?
Can I give you a hug?
And I always let him know thatit's not his responsibility to
make me feel better, but I thinkit's very sweet that he wants
(13:25):
to comfort me, right, and so,like really being honest with
our emotions, if I'm stressed, Imight say, hey, today I'm
stressed out, so I need, I needyou to cooperate with me today,
right, because my bandwidth isshorter, right.
So these are some ways that wecan begin to be honest and open
(13:49):
and model communication.
The more we are able to do thework with ourselves, to be able
to expand our own emotionalintelligence to be able to
expand our own capacity forcommunication and heal our own
internal trauma, the better wewill be at modeling the type of
(14:10):
behavior that we want to teachour children.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (14:13):
Absolutely so.
I had a thought when you justsaid something about when your
son sees you're sad and then hereaches out and and says sorry,
I want to give you a hug.
And you said it's not hisresponsibility to make you feel
better.
How do you, how do you havethat conversation where?
So the kid doesn't think Idon't know.
(14:35):
How do you have thatconversation well with them, to
explain that better to them sothey don't think OK, mommy's
saying I shouldn't show empathybecause that's not what you're
saying, correct.
The child may not understandthat.
And I was just curious.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (14:51):
Yeah Well, so I kind of listen for
when he might be tipping intothat.
Ok, okay, you know.
So that's more more how I do itgenerally.
If he's like, well, let me help, you know, give you a hug and
and, and then I, you know, wehug and we cuddle and that's it
makes me feel better but, everynow and then.
You know I have I'm a recoveringpeople pleaser and sometimes I
(15:13):
see it right if he's like, ohyou know, but I want to do this
to make you feel better.
I want to make you, I want tomake you when he starts using
that language too much, then Iwill say I want, I want you to
know that I've I'm, I soappreciate that you want to make
me feel better.
And I also want you to knowthat it's not your
responsibility to to make mefeel any kind of way Right.
(15:34):
So, like you're.
You're, you know, like you'rethe child and I'm the adult, so
I should be able to.
You know, there's nothing thatyou need to take out of my way,
you know.
But, and so it's like that kindof like that and piece, and I
really love cuddling with youand it does make me feel better.
So that's kind of that's theway I put it but I don't, and
(16:00):
it's not something that, it'snot a conversation I have all
the time.
It's just when I start to hearthat, well, I want to do this so
that you or I want to make you,or want to make you feel this
way, or make you feel that whatcan I do to not make you feel as
stressed out?
And I'll just say, well, mebeing stressed out has nothing
to do with you.
Mommy's going to mommy's handle.
That.
It's just how I'm feeling rightnow.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (16:18):
Right, thank you , with you, mommy's gonna
mommy's handle that.
It's just how I'm feeling rightnow.
Right, thank you.
Because, yeah, I hear peoplesay that and I always wonder,
like, how did he really say tothe kids?
Because you don't want the kidsto go off thinking, oh yeah, I
don't have to show empathy andokay, whatever, whatever, I was
like you're shutting them down,even though they they have that,
that in that building phase ofbuilding how they respond to the
(16:39):
world and how they respond topeople.
So the balance of it, yeah yeahthat was a I like that.
You said you don't have thatconversation all the time and
you just listen out for thelanguaging yeah, you know the
listening piece is so important,right?
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (16:58):
I think that's the piece that I don't
know.
At least my parents, not by anyfault of theirs they weren't
like the best listeners Because,you know, back in the day it's
like speak when you're spoken to, you're a child, be in a
child's place, so of coursethey're not really listening to
us.
You know, just beyond logistics, You're so right, I mean.
(17:25):
I grew up in the same era.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (17:28):
It's like that's right.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborn (17:30):
Logistics .
You know that's all they wantto hear, like what are you doing
that you're supposed to do,what?
What do you?
What homework do you have?
What you know, like where do wehave to go?
Like it's logistics right, andso what do you have?
You know, like where do we haveto go, like it's logistics
right, and so what do you wantfor dinner?
Or eat what's your dinner.
Yes, that's right too, rightRight.
(17:51):
But like listening to what'simportant, listening a little
bit more deeply to our kids willhelp us to number one know when
there's a problem early onright.
Know when there's a problem,early on and I asked my son
questions, you know we were atthe pediatrician's for his
10-year well child check earlierthis week and I let him fill
(18:13):
out the form and I was doing thesports physical form and he was
doing like the regular, youknow, form that, what does he
like to do?
You know all the littlepersonal questions that they ask
.
He was doing that part.
So there was a question thatwas like you know, do you feel
sad or do you feel sad most ofthe days?
Do you worry most of the days?
(18:33):
And I didn't feel that outuntil I had a chance to like ask
him Right, right.
So I asked the the question, Ishowed him the question, I said
which, which one should I putright so that he could be, he
could answer that question andit gives me some information and
and if, whether he's hesitatingand like I'm sort of watching,
but he's just without questionanswers, you know.
So that those that's the kindof listening that we can begin
(18:58):
to do as parents also.
Also, when our kids are tellingus those seemingly random things
about their day.
This is a time to listen to,because you can catch, like,
what's important to your child,right, and when you can catch
what's important to your child,you can motivate them.
Let me say that one again oh,yes, please, when you understand
(19:21):
what's important to your child,you can motivate them.
So my son likes video games, helikes anime.
He's into that.
Now, okay, he likes.
What else does he like?
He likes playing his.
He likes reading, reading onthe iPad, reading books on the
iPad and listening to podcasts.
So, you know, I leverage that alittle bit.
(19:43):
You can listen to the podcastafter you complete your chores.
Woohoo, of course, right, youknow, if you, you know we're
going to for his 10th birthdayin lieu of, since it's the 10th,
in lieu of a birthday party.
I'm turning 50 in April.
We're going to go to Japan inthe summer.
So I say to him listen, we'renot going to, if it's okay with
(20:07):
you.
We're not going to have abirthday party because we're
going to Japan.
I'm going to put the money thatI usually spend on your
birthday party towards our Japantrip, okay, and we'll make sure
that we visit all your favoriteanime places Right?
Oh, no problem, right.
So listening to what you knowis important to your kids.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (20:28):
You can leverage and motivate them Right.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (20:32):
I said what's your goal for your grades
?
And he says, well, my goal isto get all A's.
So later on, if he'scomplaining about homework or I
say, well, you said you wantedto get all A's, what do you
think you need to do?
Dr. Hokehe Eko (20:47):
Correct.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (20:49):
You know you have to answer it yourself.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (20:50):
You have to coach yourself to give you the
right answer.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (20:54):
Right, that's right.
So you know, those are somelittle tips and tricks that use
to to motivate my kid, that Ioften share with parents.
And as you think about it,we're coming back to brain
science, neuroscience.
We are we're we'redirectionalizing our child's
thinking of what I do mybackground training in
(21:18):
neuro-linguistic programming ishow you use language, spoken and
unspoken, to directionalize aperson's thinking, and
oftentimes we communicate justlike unaware, with an
unawareness.
We don't always pay attentionto what's coming out of our
mouth, we're not payingattention to our thoughts, and
(21:39):
when we're not paying attentionto our thoughts and what's
coming out of our mouth, wecause harm.
And so when we can slow downand think about how we're saying
things, how we want tocommunicate, what is the
direction of thinking that wewant our child to have empowered
thinking that we want our childto have empowered thinking that
(21:59):
we want our child to have, orhow we motivate them, then we
can listen to find out what arethose key words or key interests
to be able to directionalizethat thinking.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (22:13):
Absolutely Well, that means we have to stop the
chanter in our brain long enough, put down our phones too long,
you know, to hear this messageand text it to us.
Yes, and if they cry for help,they're like, please hear me.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (22:28):
Yes, yeah, and I mean, we can have
fun too with our kids.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (22:34):
I've been teaching cats and hounds to do
it.
It's like there's so much adultthing to do is like I don't
have time for that, but we haveto have time for that.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (22:43):
Like that's critical you know this
myth that we have to play forhours and hours with our kids in
order to have fun with them.
But do you know 15 minutes?
Their concept of time is verydifferent from ours.
15 minutes of a game of go fishis like so gratifying to them,
(23:05):
me and my son.
We have 15 minutes before Ihave to go upstairs and get on a
meeting.
Yeah, then or call.
Then I say, okay, well, let'splay a game of Uno Spin.
He loves Uno, uno Spin rightGets real competitive with some
Uno.
So we play Uno, or we play GoFish, or we play 21, blackjack
(23:27):
Right, or we play I Declare War.
We play Monopoly, monopolytakes a little bit longer.
We need 30 minutes for Monopoly.
Monopoly takes a little bitlonger.
We need 30 minutes for Monopoly.
Oh no, because we're likewrestling.
Yes, yes, yes.
So you know these little bit oftime periods, if we can put 15
(23:49):
minutes a day.
You know that is chef's kiss toour young kids.
It is it, kids.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (23:56):
It is, it is, it is.
Oh, my goodness, it makes sucha difference, yeah, when my kids
are like come play with me.
But I had to remind myself it'sso important because it's the
way they speak.
Love, right?
Yes, yeah, that's why it justreminded me of my book that I
wrote Children's Love Lettersand the spell smells love
(24:18):
because it's not time, like weknow.
We always say it's time and thenwe parents are thinking I don't
have time, so why am I going tospend the time?
Well, it's in so many.
It's on all the little thingsthat we do.
They spell love.
They spell, yeah, I meanlooking at them in their eyes
and putting down my.
My 12 year old tells me all thetime mommy, I'm talking to you,
(24:40):
put the phone down.
Okay, I'm getting bad.
I put the phone down because Iempowered him to tell me and
I've told my kids.
If you hear mommy raising hervoice continuously, she's giving
you permission to say Mommy,you told us not to yell at each
other and it stops my brainBecause, really, what comes out
(25:01):
of the yelling in the end?
It just hypes you, it buildsyour own blood pressure and
makes things not go well, true.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (25:11):
You know what?
Dr. Hokehe Eko (25:12):
I mean.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (25:13):
Listen, I love that and you know our.
I love the and and they was.
And you know, the kids, ourkids, are not gonna remember the
things that we gave them.
They're gonna remember thethings we did with them.
Yes, you know, yeah, yeah.
So you know, I, we used to thisyear, I, I didn't do a great,
great job of it we used to gobike riding together, like me
(25:33):
and my son, I finally got a bikethat was passed down to me by
my parents after they moved outof the country and so, and so
that's like that's a thing.
You know, we like put the bikeson on the rack and or we,
sometimes it's simple, we justgo walking in the neighborhood.
Yes, you know, just go walkaround the neighborhood and chat
.
He has a joke book, he likes totell jokes.
(25:54):
You know, at the dinner table Isaid, do you sit down and eat
with your kids?
And the kids are like when yousit down and eat with the kids,
put the phone away.
Right, sometimes, if I bring myphone, he'll be like all right,
you know, right, you know,unless I'm looking at funny
videos with him.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (26:10):
Absolutely right .
So you're absolutely right.
So something I did the otherday with my, my seven-year-old.
I dropped her at school.
She didn't quite want to getout of the car.
She's like, oh, I'm just gonnadab.
She's like a little diva in themaking.
She had her sun shades on andwas crossing her legs in the
back seat.
Oh, baby, okay, I'm like yourmother needs to take notes.
Then she looked out of thewindow and looked at the sky.
(26:35):
She's like, mommy, look, theclouds are racing.
And I was like, oh, and shelooked.
I'm like, oh, yes, they are.
And we had the best 10 minuteswatching the clouds race.
And then I said to her, what ifwe race the clouds after school
?
And so it made me so happy andI was like why it was just that
(26:55):
simple watching the crowds raisethemselves.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (26:59):
You know , so interesting it's such a
good point you make Like itmakes us feel good too.
Yeah, it does.
We think in the moment we think, oh, I don't have time, I have
so much to do.
When we actually stop.
I really got this during thepandemic.
Like you know, the pandemic dida lot of really bad things but
(27:22):
it also did some some goodthings for us and for me
personally.
It really reconnected me toplay because I was kind of
forced to do it, right.
I mean, my kid was home forkindergarten and you know he's a
kindergarten so they reallyneed more of that attention.
He's an only child so he didn'thave another, another somebody
to play with and we don't dotelevision like all day, every
day.
So you know we'd be outside inthe back throwing a Frisbee, you
know, or outside shooting somebasketball hoops, and it got me
(27:44):
really connected to my own senseof play, which connected me
more to him.
You know, and so that was justsuper fun to fun to to like
experience, like when now wetell jokes, you know, at the at
the dinner table yeah and and,or we do riddles, like we just
make up random riddles thatdon't make sense, kind of thing,
(28:05):
or would you rather he loves,would you rather?
would you rather be a tree orthe leaves on the tree?
Okay, that's a good one.
Would you rather be the dirt,or the or the worms in the dirt?
I'm a boy, so that's the kindof stuff we do, right, right,
wonderful wow, I love it so.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (28:27):
So, parents, I hope you're hearing the simple
ways I mean, and it also tapsinto the kid in us, because all
of us have kids.
We still have a kid in usthat's there and that we need to
nourish and take care of still.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (28:40):
Yeah.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (28:42):
When you lose touch with who you really are on
the inside, then you lose touchwith everything else I mean.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (28:49):
So true, it's so true.
But you know what?
It does take intention.
Yes, it does take intention,and in our very, very busy lives
(29:12):
it also takes structure Right.
So one of the things that I dois I have, because I, especially
because I own my own business,I have to structure time away
from work.
And, and so you know, peoplemight say well, you have to, you
have to schedule time.
Yes, I schedule the.
Between this time and this timeis time with my kid, it may be
dinner time, it may be timeafter that, but, like between
these times, it's blocked off,I'm inaccessible right right to
others for anything, for phonecalls, for anything, and so that
(29:34):
allows me to be able to, whensometimes Delson will help me
come cook.
When we sit down for dinner,it's just me and him.
After dinner I always go, andyou know, and we sit down in the
living room and we're like whatare we going to do Right now?
Because we're going to Japan inMay.
We are doing Duolingo, japaneselesson.
(29:56):
We're going to do our Duolingo,right, and we do that for like
10 minutes, and then maybe we goplay a game or something.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (30:04):
Yeah.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (30:05):
But it takes like real intention,
intentionality to be able to dothat.
So it's scheduled, it's, andthen on the weekend, like, okay,
this time is for my son, thistime is for any work that I need
to get done, and then thathelps him too because he can
understand that, okay, this ismy time, and then when mommy's
(30:29):
doing her admin time, she'sdoing her admin time and then
she'll be back with me.
Right, this is our bedtime,ritual stuff together, like
whether I'm reading or whetherwe're just doing our cuddle time
, goodnight time or whatever.
That is, this is my time.
And he always gets that time.
And providing that consistencyand that structure for your kid
(30:51):
also gives them a sense ofsafety and security as well.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (30:57):
And love and peace and joy and all the good
things.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (31:02):
All of those yeah.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (31:04):
And foster their growth as children, because
really children need all thoseingredients.
When you look at kids who havebeen in orphanages versus kids
who are loved both this there'sa difference, like just who
people grow right.
So so yeah all the reasons whyyes, wow, we could go on and on
(31:24):
forever.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (31:25):
Oh my gosh yeah part two of this.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (31:27):
So thank you in advance for coming back so but
I'd love to.
Dr. Maiysha Clairborne (31:32):
I'd love to, and and you know we could
also continue the conversationon my podcast.
I need to have it on my podcasttoo, okay.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (31:42):
I'll be there, yes, so can you please tell our
parents where they can find outmore information about the
amazing services you provide?
Dr. Maiysha Clairbor (31:50):
Absolutely , absolutely.
So.
My primary website ismindremappingacademycom
mindremappingacademycom, andthere are a couple of ways that
you can engage with me.
So, if you're, if you'rethinking you know what, I would
really love some one-on-onecoaching, particularly if you're
like well, you know, I know Ihave some things I need to, like
(32:11):
get rid of some old trauma frommy parenting.
I need to, I want to reparentmyself.
That's something that I canhelp you work with.
If you are inside of anorganization or community group
and you're like man, this shouldbe a great speaker to come and
talk about this type of thing.
If you're, if you're anorganization, have an ERG group,
that's also a place where youcan engage with me.
(32:33):
And finally, I have a podcast.
So it's called Behind Beliefsand Behaviors and it's a
communication podcast.
So if you're like I just wantto hear more about her, then you
can go and you can listen tothe podcast, where I talk lots
about communication and waysthat we can listen, ways that we
can create trust and safety,and so those are the, but the
(32:54):
primary website ismindremappingacademycom, and
everything will be there for youto peruse.
In terms of social media, I'mon most platforms.
I'm on Instagram and I'm onLinkedIn and Facebook, and I'm
also on TikTok and YouTube, soI'm on all of them.
It's backslash, dr Myesha.
(33:17):
Whatever your favorite platformis, just go there and you can
follow me.
Dr. Hokehe Eko (33:24):
Please do something good for yourself and
go follow her.
That's what I'm going to say.
Thank you so much again forsharing your wisdom with us and
coming on here and parents,please share this episode with
family and friends that you knowneed to hear it.
And until next time, have awonderful day, thank you.
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