March 31, 2025 • 27 mins
Brandon shares how his life dramatically changed after joining the Air Force, from women suddenly showing interest in him to facing a mental health crisis following a relationship breakdown. His journey from Ohio to North Dakota reveals both the external transformations and internal struggles that shaped his early military experience.
Please start with Episode 1. Go to my site BrandonHeld.com
• First experience returning home on military leave after six months in the Air Force
• Women who previously ignored him suddenly showing romantic interest
• Getting lost in a dangerous Chicago neighborhood during his drive to North Dakota
• Cramped living conditions at Minot Air Force Base with a difficult roommate
• Complicated love triangle with roommate's romantic interest
• Overreacting to a breakup by threatening suicide, resulting in hospitalization
• Important life lesson about not overreacting in emotional situations
Stay tuned for episode five where I'll pick up where I left off in this story about my time at Lackland Air Force Base's mental health facility.
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SPEAKER_00 (00:01):
Welcome back.
This is Brandon Held, Life isCrazy, Episode 4.
Before I pick up where I leftoff with Episode 3, I want to
say a few things.
I believe I've made it clear I'man amateur that just recording
this out of his office on amicrophone I have plugged into
(00:23):
my computer.
Nothing fancy here.
I'm just trying to tell thestory of my life and...
Let my kids and maybe their kidsor whomever know and anyone else
that's interested.
And I listened to my first threeepisodes and I noticed I do a
(00:43):
few things.
I say, you can hear my breath ormaybe my lips smacking because
that's the design of thismicrophone.
If I sit back too far, it soundslike this.
So I have to sit a little close.
And it picks up some noises thatI wish it didn't.
(01:04):
And also I noticed I was sayinga lot.
So I will do my best to fix thethings that I can try to fix.
And also I would like to addthat even though I'm trying to
tell my life story in as raw andreal as possible detail, I also
(01:30):
have to be respectful to mywife.
My wife is going to listen tothis.
And there are plenty of detailsof my relationship past in
history that I could tell onhere and she would have to hear
that.
And I don't want her to hearthat out of respect.
(01:53):
So keeping that in mind, some ofmy relationship stuff will not
be as juicy or detailed orwhatever as you might hope, I
have to do what's best for myrelationship and my wife.
Now, having said that, in apickup where I left off, which
(02:17):
is I had just graduatedtechnical school as a security
policeman for the Air Force,found out I was going to be
stationed in Why not, my not iswhat they ended up calling it
when I got there.
Freezing is the reason.
So that's the saying up there.
(02:38):
They also say that's where yousend people to get out of the
Air Force.
So I got to fly home from Texasand I got to go on 10 days of
leave, my first vacation since Ihad joined the Air Force, which
was about six months prior atthis point.
(02:58):
And I would have to drive fromOhio to North Dakota.
I wouldn't have to, but I didbecause I wanted to take my car
and some of my belongings, whichtrust me, wasn't much.
It was clothes, basically.
That's about it.
But when I returned home and Iwent to see people, I noticed
(03:20):
almost right away that girlswere looking at me differently.
I believe like the first daythat I returned home, one of my
sister's friends, who was a veryattractive girl at the time,
knocked on the door to come seemy sister, or at least that's
(03:41):
what she said she was there todo.
And she didn't even hold back.
She was like, oh my God, you'rehome.
Look at you.
You look so good.
And she was gushing and almost alittle bit embarrassed about how
she saw me and the way she waslooking at me.
And it was eyeopening to mebecause I know she wasn't even
(04:06):
looking at me or giving me thetime of day when I was in high
school.
Then from there, I was justhanging out with my friends and
buddies and my little brotherand just happened to be
connecting with some of thegirls in town.
And again, I could tell likewomen were into me, like I had
(04:27):
never felt before in my life.
I had a high school girlfriend,which I didn't bring up in
previous episodes.
And I will say as much as I'mtrying to stay in order going
through my life, sometimes athought or an event will come
(04:49):
into my brain and I will have todigress a little bit and maybe
backtrack to get a story in thatmaybe I forgot to tell or a part
of my life that I forgot totell.
But having had been the romanticthinking love was going to be a
great answer, a great part of mylife, and I still do believe
(05:10):
that.
I just didn't know how to do itproperly or how to pick the
right person or anything likethat.
I did have a high schoolgirlfriend who I was two years
older than.
She was a cheerleader.
She was cute, kind, sweet, funto be around.
And I thought I was in love withher, puppy love, my first real
(05:33):
girlfriend.
And we were only going togetherlike six months, I would say.
But we were hanging out a lot,like almost every day.
I was going to church eventswith her.
I was meeting her family, doingall those things.
And just out of the blue, when Ithought everything was good, she
(05:58):
broke up with me.
She ended it with me.
And I didn't know why, and Ididn't understand why.
And the reason she gave me washer parents thought we were
getting too close and that weshould split up.
And I'm not saying her parentsdidn't say that to her because
they might have.
Could have been true.
I am saying is I quickly feltwithin two days that 100% wasn't
(06:23):
true.
So here I was a little bitheartbroken, not understanding
what happened.
And she's now dating some otherguy at school two days later,
like to the point they'rekissing in the hallway at
school.
And people are telling me aboutthis.
I didn't see it.
I was being told about it.
(06:45):
And so then I knew she was justfull of it.
She found someone else that shewas more interested in and she
wanted to pursue that.
And I get it.
She's a young girl starting outlife.
You don't need to be tied tosomeone your whole life.
And I'm glad it worked out thatway.
It was a tough lesson at thetime, but it also made me
(07:08):
tougher.
It also made me understand that.
That love isn't what in themovies or you hear in your 80s
ballad, rock band songs.
Things can be great as far as,and then for whatever reason it
ends.
It toughened me almost to thepoint of maybe I was a little
(07:31):
too tough after that.
But anyway, I digress.
So here I am back at home.
Her cousin who had neverexpressed any interest in me
before all of a sudden washitting me up, trying to talk to
me.
And then we ended up gettingtogether while I was home on
(07:53):
vacation and she understood itwas what it was.
I was in the air force.
I was there for a few days and Iwas leaving.
That happened.
There was a couple other girlsthat were expressing interest in
me while I was there.
And all these people I knewbefore this, and they never once
even hinted that they wereinterested in me.
(08:15):
Whereas now they were being veryoutgoing with, Hey, I like you.
I'm interested in you.
And it was a super huge for meand obviously confidence
builder, right?
I enjoy my 10 days at home withmy family.
(08:35):
And I pack up in the car and getmy clothes in there and I start
driving to Minot.
And this was another newadventure for me, driving a long
distance.
I had never done that before.
So this was going to be new.
And it was a learningexperience.
(08:55):
I got to the Chicago area prettysmoothly without any issues.
And once I got in Chicago, gotto remember back in these days I
had to do a printout of whatmaps do nowadays where you just
it's in your car or you put iton your phone and it tells you
(09:17):
how to get there this is aprintout that I literally had to
read while I was drivingobviously reading and driving
not a good combination but itwas the only way I was going to
get to mine out without gettinglost because I didn't know
anything about traveling longdistances.
(09:37):
So I got to Chicago and I misseda turn.
I missed a turn where thefreeway went one way and I went
on the freeway another way.
And once I realized that, Iexited blindly, not knowing
where I was.
And when I went to turn around,I noticed I was in a Not so nice
(10:03):
neighborhood.
Look, I see these are rundownbuildings.
These are rundown homes.
And oh, by the way, hey, I'm theonly white guy there.
This is all brand new to me.
I grew up in a small town wherewhen I lived there, it was
pretty much all white people,right?
(10:23):
No other races.
I believe there was one Mexicanfamily there, but it was pretty
much all white people.
And so I'm not used to otherraces at this point in my life.
And I'm just used to what I seeor hear on TV or radio.
(10:44):
And here I am in what I wouldhave called or considered the
ghetto.
And I was scared out of my mind.
I was driving a fairly nice blueMonte Carlo with a Nice 350
engine bored out to 380 that Ihad purchased when I was working
(11:08):
at a job at home at Cedar Point.
And it had nice rims on it.
It was a pretty nice car.
I really loved it.
And I was scared for my life.
I couldn't get out of there fastenough and I was lost.
And so here I am lost in thisneighborhood where I'm scared to
(11:28):
death.
Eventually, I make my way out ofthere and get back onto the
freeway and get back headed tothe right direction.
I just remember that feeling ofjust being scared like that.
I don't think it'll ever leaveme.
(11:48):
It was the first real fear formy life.
that I've ever felt.
And you might think that'sdramatic, but even to this day,
I still don't think that'sdramatic.
I was a white guy in the wrongneighborhood and who knows how
that could have ended.
It was very scary and frightful.
(12:10):
So I get back on the interstateand I get headed back in the
right direction.
And while I'm driving, I feellike, okay, it's getting close
to time to stop.
And I had no particular stoppingpoint in mind.
I wasn't trying to reach acertain area and say, this is
(12:32):
where I'm going to stop.
I just randomly was like, it'stime to stop.
And I stopped in a place calledWisconsin Dells.
Now this was totally random.
I knew nothing about WisconsinDells.
And if you do know anythingabout Wisconsin Dells, It's a
pretty cool area.
(12:53):
It's a cool place to stop.
They had a lot of cool stuffthere.
They had rides, they had thingsto do.
I just tripped and fell intothis really cool place that I
stopped to rest on my journey.
So if you're ever in that area,I definitely would recommend
going to Wisconsin.
(13:14):
Granted, this was 1991.
I don't know how much it'schanged since then because I
know nothing about it.
I didn't keep up with it.
I just know it was really coolat that time.
So I stay the night in WisconsinDells and then I get up the next
day and I finish my journey.
(13:35):
I drive all the way to Minot,North Dakota.
Now this is in the summer of1991.
So when I get there, I don'thave any strong negative
feelings about the city of Minotin North Dakota, the state of
North Dakota.
But I did notice that it was avery flat land once I left
(13:58):
Minnesota and got into NorthDakota.
It's just flat.
There's just nothing to NorthDakota.
It's just flat land.
So it was a long drive justthrough North Dakota to get to
Minot.
But I got there with all theexcitement and one could hope to
have considering the situation.
(14:19):
I was still excited aboutbecoming a man on my own and
living my life and seeing wherelife may take me.
And I got there and I got putinto a barracks and right away,
I was back then in 1991, you gota a room Just take a small hotel
(14:46):
room and then put bunk beds init.
And a small hotel room.
And put bunk beds in it.
And then put two foot lockersup.
And that's what I had to live inwith another guy.
And then there was a bathroom.
There was a toilet, but theshower and tub was adjoining to
(15:07):
another room where two otherguys lived.
So...
We had to share, no, I'mmistaken.
The toilet was in the bathroom.
So we had to share a toilet,shower and tub with two other
people.
So four people trying to sharethis one shower and toilet and
(15:30):
tub.
And it was a small, very smallsetup and it was cramped.
And so I get there and I meetthis guy, Scott right away and
he's I don't know if he'sinsecure or I usually chalk up
cockiness to either ignorance orinsecurity.
(15:50):
And he was pretty cocky.
He was a senior airman.
I was an airman basic.
He was from Washington.
He had a big nose and he justtreated me like in a
condescending tone that he wasbetter than me.
Whatever, that's how it startedoff.
As time progressed, we got alonga little better, but I never
(16:12):
really felt like we were trulyfriends.
It was more of one of thoserelationships where you're
quote-unquote joking, but you'realways digging on each other or
shitting on each other.
That's the kind of relationshipwe always had.
So anyway, he's telling me aboutthis girl that he's into and he
(16:38):
met her and he really wants toget in this relationship with
her.
Or he may not have even saidthat much.
I think he actually hinted tothe point that he was with her.
And so he left, he went to gosee this girl and I'm in my room
alone.
I don't even know what I wasdoing at this point.
(17:00):
Maybe watching TV, maybelistening to the radio or some
CDs or whatever, because I wasreally big on collecting CDs at
this time.
As a matter of fact, at thepeak, I had over 300 CDs in my
collection, but I had started intech school.
I would take my paychecks andsome of it, I had no bills.
(17:25):
I had nothing to spend my moneyon.
I had room, board, everythingpaid for.
At that point in life, no bills,so I would go to the BX.
It's BX in the Air Force, PX inthe Army.
And I would just buy a group ofCDs, 10, 11 CDs, spend$150 on
CDs because whatever, it didn'tmatter.
(17:48):
So I ended up with over 300 CDs,so I listened to music a lot.
So anyway, got into the eveningand it was getting dark and then
all of a sudden the phone in myroom rang and you got to
remember this is 1991.
We didn't have cell phones yet.
It would be multiple years fromthat before cell phones would
(18:11):
become a common thing.
Excuse me.
And I picked it up.
I said, hello.
And this girl says, is Scottthere?
And I said, no, he's not.
He went down to see somebody.
And I said, can I take amessage?
And she said, okay, yeah, I wasthe one who came to see, but I
(18:34):
just didn't know if he was backyet.
And I said, no, he's not backyet, but I'll tell him you
called.
And she was like, well, how areyou doing?
And then, so she intentionallystarted a conversation with me.
When I was just let him know.
And so then we started talking.
And she was being really flirtywith me.
(18:57):
And I never met this girl.
I didn't know anything abouther.
What she looked like, nothing.
But I could tell she was beingreally flirty with me.
And at some point I was like,aren't you dating Scott?
Aren't you going out with Scott?
She's no, not at all.
He's trying to pursue me, butI'm not interested in him.
(19:17):
And so.
We ended up talking more andgetting closer.
And then she asked to meet mesometime, I think maybe the next
day.
And so I agreed to do that.
And so I go meet her the nextday and she's actually a really
pretty girl.
I understand why Scott was goingafter her.
(19:40):
And we ended up becomingboyfriend and girlfriend to a
relationship together.
And then while we were dating,She said, you remember that time
I called and we first startedtalking?
I said, yeah.
She said, I knew Scott wasn'tthere.
He had come to me talking aboutthis new roommate and he was
(20:01):
telling me about you.
And she was like, I becameinterested once he told me about
you.
And once he, and so I calledright when he left, cause I knew
he wasn't going to be there.
I called just to talk to you.
And that kind of blew me away alittle bit, not because I was
flattered, but more because Ithought it was sneaky behavior.
(20:23):
It didn't come across probablylike she probably meant for it
to be flattering, but I saw itfor what it was, which was
sneaky behavior.
So anyway, we ended up dating,get into a serious, intense
relationship.
And in my Air Force job, I was amissile protector.
(20:43):
I don't remember.
I was a missile cop is what theycall us, but What we would do is
we would go out into the missilefield for three days at a time.
We would eat there, sleep there,work there, everything for three
days.
And then when we returned, wewould get three, four, five days
off before we had to go back,depending on our rotation and
(21:06):
how many people were in, howmany police forces, how many
security specialists we had.
At Minot, that would dictate howoften people We would need to go
out in the field.
So I believe in the beginning,it was every three days for me.
But by the end, I was going out.
I had three days on out in thefield and then five days off,
(21:30):
which was pretty nice.
And so, yeah, we would have thisrelationship and I would go out
in the missile field and wewould talk on the phone.
Her.
Behavior was a little sketchy tome and I already told you what I
went through with my high schoolgirlfriend and she was telling
me what she perceived probablyto be an innocent story and how
(21:55):
she was hanging out with theseguys and this one guy offered to
give her a ride on hismotorcycle.
So she took a ride on hismotorcycle and all I could see
at 17 was my girlfriend on amotorcycle behind this guy,
hugging this guy, right?
And it just made me angry.
(22:18):
It made me so angry.
I was super mad about it.
And we got into a huge argumentand we broke up right there over
the phone.
She felt like she didn't doanything wrong, that it was all
innocent.
And of course, only she knowswhether or not that's true.
(22:40):
I didn't feel like it wasinnocent just by the way she
explained the story and what hadhappened.
And so when we broke up, Icompletely overreacted.
I told my flight sergeants Ididn't want to be at work, that
I didn't want to pick up my gunbecause I was afraid I would put
it in my mouth and kill myself.
(23:03):
And I basically threatenedsuicide.
I threatened that I was going tokill myself.
And they were trying to talk medown.
And they were like, this is howyou really feel.
And I was like, yes, this is howI really feel.
I feel like if you hand my gunto me, I'm going to kill myself.
(23:23):
And then next thing I knew,before I knew it, I and my
stupid, young, naive brainthought they were just going to
take me in from the missilefield and I wouldn't work.
And then I could go see her andtry to smooth things over and
(23:43):
iron things out but instead whathappened was I got put I got
taken to the hospital I gotsedated and I got put on a
flight from North Dakota all theway down to the hospital back at
Lackland Air Force Base so nextthing I know I'm back at
(24:07):
Lackland Air Force Base.
And I was flown there on amilitary plane, laying on a bed,
basically handcuffed to a bedwith drugs in my system to where
I was sedated and couldn'treally move.
And I slept most of the way.
And the next thing I know, I'min a mental institution in the
(24:28):
Air Force.
And when I first got there, Iwas like, You know what?
This ain't so bad.
It's a vacation.
It'll give me time to relax,heal, get over this, whatever.
But it was so freakingdepressing.
I genuinely was super upset in amoment, and I obviously severely
(24:56):
overreacted in that moment.
But I wasn't serious aboutkilling myself.
So being in this institutionaround these people who were
people with serious problems anddead serious about killing
themselves was so freakingdepressing.
(25:19):
It actually, honestly makes youworse.
It made me worse because of thestate I was in, right?
I still knew I was young, had alot to live for.
feeling good about myself andjust being around these people
was awful.
And so one of the biggestmistakes in my life was the way
(25:45):
I overreacted to this situation.
And I share this with you inreal raw words, because if you
ever feel this way, don'toverreact.
Don't do that.
Like I did, because as my wifesays now, it could always be
(26:09):
worse.
So it could always be worse.
And I didn't realize that at thetime.
And I put myself in a really badsituation.
And so we are now at almost 30minutes in this podcast and I'm
going to end it here.
Thank you for tuning intoepisode four.
(26:33):
In episode five, I will pick upwhere I left off.
Welcome back.
This is Brandon Held, Life isCrazy, Episode 4.
Before I pick up where I leftoff with Episode 3, I want to
say a few things.
I believe I've made it clear I'man amateur that just recording
this out of his office on amicrophone I have plugged into
(00:23):
my computer.
Nothing fancy here.
I'm just trying to tell thestory of my life and...
Let my kids and maybe their kidsor whomever know and anyone else
that's interested.
And I listened to my first threeepisodes and I noticed I do a
(00:43):
few things.
I say, you can hear my breath ormaybe my lips smacking because
that's the design of thismicrophone.
If I sit back too far, it soundslike this.
So I have to sit a little close.
And it picks up some noises thatI wish it didn't.
(01:04):
And also I noticed I was sayinga lot.
So I will do my best to fix thethings that I can try to fix.
And also I would like to addthat even though I'm trying to
tell my life story in as raw andreal as possible detail, I also
(01:30):
have to be respectful to mywife.
My wife is going to listen tothis.
And there are plenty of detailsof my relationship past in
history that I could tell onhere and she would have to hear
that.
And I don't want her to hearthat out of respect.
(01:53):
So keeping that in mind, some ofmy relationship stuff will not
be as juicy or detailed orwhatever as you might hope, I
have to do what's best for myrelationship and my wife.
Now, having said that, in apickup where I left off, which
(02:17):
is I had just graduatedtechnical school as a security
policeman for the Air Force,found out I was going to be
stationed in Why not, my not iswhat they ended up calling it
when I got there.
Freezing is the reason.
So that's the saying up there.
(02:38):
They also say that's where yousend people to get out of the
Air Force.
So I got to fly home from Texasand I got to go on 10 days of
leave, my first vacation since Ihad joined the Air Force, which
was about six months prior atthis point.
(02:58):
And I would have to drive fromOhio to North Dakota.
I wouldn't have to, but I didbecause I wanted to take my car
and some of my belongings, whichtrust me, wasn't much.
It was clothes, basically.
That's about it.
But when I returned home and Iwent to see people, I noticed
(03:20):
almost right away that girlswere looking at me differently.
I believe like the first daythat I returned home, one of my
sister's friends, who was a veryattractive girl at the time,
knocked on the door to come seemy sister, or at least that's
(03:41):
what she said she was there todo.
And she didn't even hold back.
She was like, oh my God, you'rehome.
Look at you.
You look so good.
And she was gushing and almost alittle bit embarrassed about how
she saw me and the way she waslooking at me.
And it was eyeopening to mebecause I know she wasn't even
(04:06):
looking at me or giving me thetime of day when I was in high
school.
Then from there, I was justhanging out with my friends and
buddies and my little brotherand just happened to be
connecting with some of thegirls in town.
And again, I could tell likewomen were into me, like I had
(04:27):
never felt before in my life.
I had a high school girlfriend,which I didn't bring up in
previous episodes.
And I will say as much as I'mtrying to stay in order going
through my life, sometimes athought or an event will come
(04:49):
into my brain and I will have todigress a little bit and maybe
backtrack to get a story in thatmaybe I forgot to tell or a part
of my life that I forgot totell.
But having had been the romanticthinking love was going to be a
great answer, a great part of mylife, and I still do believe
(05:10):
that.
I just didn't know how to do itproperly or how to pick the
right person or anything likethat.
I did have a high schoolgirlfriend who I was two years
older than.
She was a cheerleader.
She was cute, kind, sweet, funto be around.
And I thought I was in love withher, puppy love, my first real
(05:33):
girlfriend.
And we were only going togetherlike six months, I would say.
But we were hanging out a lot,like almost every day.
I was going to church eventswith her.
I was meeting her family, doingall those things.
And just out of the blue, when Ithought everything was good, she
(05:58):
broke up with me.
She ended it with me.
And I didn't know why, and Ididn't understand why.
And the reason she gave me washer parents thought we were
getting too close and that weshould split up.
And I'm not saying her parentsdidn't say that to her because
they might have.
Could have been true.
I am saying is I quickly feltwithin two days that 100% wasn't
(06:23):
true.
So here I was a little bitheartbroken, not understanding
what happened.
And she's now dating some otherguy at school two days later,
like to the point they'rekissing in the hallway at
school.
And people are telling me aboutthis.
I didn't see it.
I was being told about it.
(06:45):
And so then I knew she was justfull of it.
She found someone else that shewas more interested in and she
wanted to pursue that.
And I get it.
She's a young girl starting outlife.
You don't need to be tied tosomeone your whole life.
And I'm glad it worked out thatway.
It was a tough lesson at thetime, but it also made me
(07:08):
tougher.
It also made me understand that.
That love isn't what in themovies or you hear in your 80s
ballad, rock band songs.
Things can be great as far as,and then for whatever reason it
ends.
It toughened me almost to thepoint of maybe I was a little
(07:31):
too tough after that.
But anyway, I digress.
So here I am back at home.
Her cousin who had neverexpressed any interest in me
before all of a sudden washitting me up, trying to talk to
me.
And then we ended up gettingtogether while I was home on
(07:53):
vacation and she understood itwas what it was.
I was in the air force.
I was there for a few days and Iwas leaving.
That happened.
There was a couple other girlsthat were expressing interest in
me while I was there.
And all these people I knewbefore this, and they never once
even hinted that they wereinterested in me.
(08:15):
Whereas now they were being veryoutgoing with, Hey, I like you.
I'm interested in you.
And it was a super huge for meand obviously confidence
builder, right?
I enjoy my 10 days at home withmy family.
(08:35):
And I pack up in the car and getmy clothes in there and I start
driving to Minot.
And this was another newadventure for me, driving a long
distance.
I had never done that before.
So this was going to be new.
And it was a learningexperience.
(08:55):
I got to the Chicago area prettysmoothly without any issues.
And once I got in Chicago, gotto remember back in these days I
had to do a printout of whatmaps do nowadays where you just
it's in your car or you put iton your phone and it tells you
(09:17):
how to get there this is aprintout that I literally had to
read while I was drivingobviously reading and driving
not a good combination but itwas the only way I was going to
get to mine out without gettinglost because I didn't know
anything about traveling longdistances.
(09:37):
So I got to Chicago and I misseda turn.
I missed a turn where thefreeway went one way and I went
on the freeway another way.
And once I realized that, Iexited blindly, not knowing
where I was.
And when I went to turn around,I noticed I was in a Not so nice
(10:03):
neighborhood.
Look, I see these are rundownbuildings.
These are rundown homes.
And oh, by the way, hey, I'm theonly white guy there.
This is all brand new to me.
I grew up in a small town wherewhen I lived there, it was
pretty much all white people,right?
(10:23):
No other races.
I believe there was one Mexicanfamily there, but it was pretty
much all white people.
And so I'm not used to otherraces at this point in my life.
And I'm just used to what I seeor hear on TV or radio.
(10:44):
And here I am in what I wouldhave called or considered the
ghetto.
And I was scared out of my mind.
I was driving a fairly nice blueMonte Carlo with a Nice 350
engine bored out to 380 that Ihad purchased when I was working
(11:08):
at a job at home at Cedar Point.
And it had nice rims on it.
It was a pretty nice car.
I really loved it.
And I was scared for my life.
I couldn't get out of there fastenough and I was lost.
And so here I am lost in thisneighborhood where I'm scared to
(11:28):
death.
Eventually, I make my way out ofthere and get back onto the
freeway and get back headed tothe right direction.
I just remember that feeling ofjust being scared like that.
I don't think it'll ever leaveme.
(11:48):
It was the first real fear formy life.
that I've ever felt.
And you might think that'sdramatic, but even to this day,
I still don't think that'sdramatic.
I was a white guy in the wrongneighborhood and who knows how
that could have ended.
It was very scary and frightful.
(12:10):
So I get back on the interstateand I get headed back in the
right direction.
And while I'm driving, I feellike, okay, it's getting close
to time to stop.
And I had no particular stoppingpoint in mind.
I wasn't trying to reach acertain area and say, this is
(12:32):
where I'm going to stop.
I just randomly was like, it'stime to stop.
And I stopped in a place calledWisconsin Dells.
Now this was totally random.
I knew nothing about WisconsinDells.
And if you do know anythingabout Wisconsin Dells, It's a
pretty cool area.
(12:53):
It's a cool place to stop.
They had a lot of cool stuffthere.
They had rides, they had thingsto do.
I just tripped and fell intothis really cool place that I
stopped to rest on my journey.
So if you're ever in that area,I definitely would recommend
going to Wisconsin.
(13:14):
Granted, this was 1991.
I don't know how much it'schanged since then because I
know nothing about it.
I didn't keep up with it.
I just know it was really coolat that time.
So I stay the night in WisconsinDells and then I get up the next
day and I finish my journey.
(13:35):
I drive all the way to Minot,North Dakota.
Now this is in the summer of1991.
So when I get there, I don'thave any strong negative
feelings about the city of Minotin North Dakota, the state of
North Dakota.
But I did notice that it was avery flat land once I left
(13:58):
Minnesota and got into NorthDakota.
It's just flat.
There's just nothing to NorthDakota.
It's just flat land.
So it was a long drive justthrough North Dakota to get to
Minot.
But I got there with all theexcitement and one could hope to
have considering the situation.
(14:19):
I was still excited aboutbecoming a man on my own and
living my life and seeing wherelife may take me.
And I got there and I got putinto a barracks and right away,
I was back then in 1991, you gota a room Just take a small hotel
(14:46):
room and then put bunk beds init.
And a small hotel room.
And put bunk beds in it.
And then put two foot lockersup.
And that's what I had to live inwith another guy.
And then there was a bathroom.
There was a toilet, but theshower and tub was adjoining to
(15:07):
another room where two otherguys lived.
So...
We had to share, no, I'mmistaken.
The toilet was in the bathroom.
So we had to share a toilet,shower and tub with two other
people.
So four people trying to sharethis one shower and toilet and
(15:30):
tub.
And it was a small, very smallsetup and it was cramped.
And so I get there and I meetthis guy, Scott right away and
he's I don't know if he'sinsecure or I usually chalk up
cockiness to either ignorance orinsecurity.
(15:50):
And he was pretty cocky.
He was a senior airman.
I was an airman basic.
He was from Washington.
He had a big nose and he justtreated me like in a
condescending tone that he wasbetter than me.
Whatever, that's how it startedoff.
As time progressed, we got alonga little better, but I never
(16:12):
really felt like we were trulyfriends.
It was more of one of thoserelationships where you're
quote-unquote joking, but you'realways digging on each other or
shitting on each other.
That's the kind of relationshipwe always had.
So anyway, he's telling me aboutthis girl that he's into and he
(16:38):
met her and he really wants toget in this relationship with
her.
Or he may not have even saidthat much.
I think he actually hinted tothe point that he was with her.
And so he left, he went to gosee this girl and I'm in my room
alone.
I don't even know what I wasdoing at this point.
(17:00):
Maybe watching TV, maybelistening to the radio or some
CDs or whatever, because I wasreally big on collecting CDs at
this time.
As a matter of fact, at thepeak, I had over 300 CDs in my
collection, but I had started intech school.
I would take my paychecks andsome of it, I had no bills.
(17:25):
I had nothing to spend my moneyon.
I had room, board, everythingpaid for.
At that point in life, no bills,so I would go to the BX.
It's BX in the Air Force, PX inthe Army.
And I would just buy a group ofCDs, 10, 11 CDs, spend$150 on
CDs because whatever, it didn'tmatter.
(17:48):
So I ended up with over 300 CDs,so I listened to music a lot.
So anyway, got into the eveningand it was getting dark and then
all of a sudden the phone in myroom rang and you got to
remember this is 1991.
We didn't have cell phones yet.
It would be multiple years fromthat before cell phones would
(18:11):
become a common thing.
Excuse me.
And I picked it up.
I said, hello.
And this girl says, is Scottthere?
And I said, no, he's not.
He went down to see somebody.
And I said, can I take amessage?
And she said, okay, yeah, I wasthe one who came to see, but I
(18:34):
just didn't know if he was backyet.
And I said, no, he's not backyet, but I'll tell him you
called.
And she was like, well, how areyou doing?
And then, so she intentionallystarted a conversation with me.
When I was just let him know.
And so then we started talking.
And she was being really flirtywith me.
(18:57):
And I never met this girl.
I didn't know anything abouther.
What she looked like, nothing.
But I could tell she was beingreally flirty with me.
And at some point I was like,aren't you dating Scott?
Aren't you going out with Scott?
She's no, not at all.
He's trying to pursue me, butI'm not interested in him.
(19:17):
And so.
We ended up talking more andgetting closer.
And then she asked to meet mesometime, I think maybe the next
day.
And so I agreed to do that.
And so I go meet her the nextday and she's actually a really
pretty girl.
I understand why Scott was goingafter her.
(19:40):
And we ended up becomingboyfriend and girlfriend to a
relationship together.
And then while we were dating,She said, you remember that time
I called and we first startedtalking?
I said, yeah.
She said, I knew Scott wasn'tthere.
He had come to me talking aboutthis new roommate and he was
(20:01):
telling me about you.
And she was like, I becameinterested once he told me about
you.
And once he, and so I calledright when he left, cause I knew
he wasn't going to be there.
I called just to talk to you.
And that kind of blew me away alittle bit, not because I was
flattered, but more because Ithought it was sneaky behavior.
(20:23):
It didn't come across probablylike she probably meant for it
to be flattering, but I saw itfor what it was, which was
sneaky behavior.
So anyway, we ended up dating,get into a serious, intense
relationship.
And in my Air Force job, I was amissile protector.
(20:43):
I don't remember.
I was a missile cop is what theycall us, but What we would do is
we would go out into the missilefield for three days at a time.
We would eat there, sleep there,work there, everything for three
days.
And then when we returned, wewould get three, four, five days
off before we had to go back,depending on our rotation and
(21:06):
how many people were in, howmany police forces, how many
security specialists we had.
At Minot, that would dictate howoften people We would need to go
out in the field.
So I believe in the beginning,it was every three days for me.
But by the end, I was going out.
I had three days on out in thefield and then five days off,
(21:30):
which was pretty nice.
And so, yeah, we would have thisrelationship and I would go out
in the missile field and wewould talk on the phone.
Her.
Behavior was a little sketchy tome and I already told you what I
went through with my high schoolgirlfriend and she was telling
me what she perceived probablyto be an innocent story and how
(21:55):
she was hanging out with theseguys and this one guy offered to
give her a ride on hismotorcycle.
So she took a ride on hismotorcycle and all I could see
at 17 was my girlfriend on amotorcycle behind this guy,
hugging this guy, right?
And it just made me angry.
(22:18):
It made me so angry.
I was super mad about it.
And we got into a huge argumentand we broke up right there over
the phone.
She felt like she didn't doanything wrong, that it was all
innocent.
And of course, only she knowswhether or not that's true.
(22:40):
I didn't feel like it wasinnocent just by the way she
explained the story and what hadhappened.
And so when we broke up, Icompletely overreacted.
I told my flight sergeants Ididn't want to be at work, that
I didn't want to pick up my gunbecause I was afraid I would put
it in my mouth and kill myself.
(23:03):
And I basically threatenedsuicide.
I threatened that I was going tokill myself.
And they were trying to talk medown.
And they were like, this is howyou really feel.
And I was like, yes, this is howI really feel.
I feel like if you hand my gunto me, I'm going to kill myself.
(23:23):
And then next thing I knew,before I knew it, I and my
stupid, young, naive brainthought they were just going to
take me in from the missilefield and I wouldn't work.
And then I could go see her andtry to smooth things over and
(23:43):
iron things out but instead whathappened was I got put I got
taken to the hospital I gotsedated and I got put on a
flight from North Dakota all theway down to the hospital back at
Lackland Air Force Base so nextthing I know I'm back at
(24:07):
Lackland Air Force Base.
And I was flown there on amilitary plane, laying on a bed,
basically handcuffed to a bedwith drugs in my system to where
I was sedated and couldn'treally move.
And I slept most of the way.
And the next thing I know, I'min a mental institution in the
(24:28):
Air Force.
And when I first got there, Iwas like, You know what?
This ain't so bad.
It's a vacation.
It'll give me time to relax,heal, get over this, whatever.
But it was so freakingdepressing.
I genuinely was super upset in amoment, and I obviously severely
(24:56):
overreacted in that moment.
But I wasn't serious aboutkilling myself.
So being in this institutionaround these people who were
people with serious problems anddead serious about killing
themselves was so freakingdepressing.
(25:19):
It actually, honestly makes youworse.
It made me worse because of thestate I was in, right?
I still knew I was young, had alot to live for.
feeling good about myself andjust being around these people
was awful.
And so one of the biggestmistakes in my life was the way
(25:45):
I overreacted to this situation.
And I share this with you inreal raw words, because if you
ever feel this way, don'toverreact.
Don't do that.
Like I did, because as my wifesays now, it could always be
(26:09):
worse.
So it could always be worse.
And I didn't realize that at thetime.
And I put myself in a really badsituation.
And so we are now at almost 30minutes in this podcast and I'm
going to end it here.
Thank you for tuning intoepisode four.
(26:33):
In episode five, I will pick upwhere I left off.
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