March 31, 2025 • 27 mins
Brandon continues his life story, transitioning from a mental health crisis back to military service as a missile security cop and eventually into an unexpected journey to fatherhood that changes everything.
Please start with Episode 1. Go to my site BrandonHeld.com
• Returning to missile security duty after his mental health facility stay, surprisingly regaining his Personnel Reliability Program clearance
• Embracing an all-or-nothing approach to sports during off-duty time, often playing basketball for 12 consecutive hours
• Meeting and pragmatically marrying a woman for atypical reasons
• Experiencing the devastating loss of a birth of a premature daughter during marriage
• Divorcing after four years, only to learn immediately afterward that his ex-wife was pregnant
• Feeling an overwhelming rush of love upon meeting his son Ethan for the first time
• Firmly rejecting his ex-wife's request to stay out of his son's life, determined to break the cycle of absent fatherhood
Join us next time as we backtrack to explore more of Brandon's Air Force career and life experiences.
BrandonHeld.com iPad drawing for Life Coaching clients
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:01):
Welcome back to Brandon Held Life is Crazy.
This is episode five.
I appreciate you for hanging inand sticking with me through my
amateur issues.
My undergraduate degree isessentially in broadcasting that
(00:23):
I graduated with in 2000.
So in the back of my mind, Iknow do's and don'ts for
broadcasting, but these areprofessional rules, and I don't
really care.
I want to feel more like you'resitting next to me on the couch,
and we're having a conversation.
You're getting who I am, notsome filtered version of me
(00:47):
trying to be a professional.
I sound like a hillbilly fromOhio a little bit, the way that
I talk.
I'm from Ohio, but I could...
Annunciate.
I could be more professional.
I could talk to you moreprofessionally.
But I don't want to do that.
So this is what you're getting.
This is what I'm offering.
(01:09):
And I hope you like it.
I hope it doesn't bother you.
The point is to tell my story,not be a professional
broadcaster.
Where I last left off with youwas the...
Huge mistake I made gettingmyself into the mental
(01:31):
institution down at Lackland AirForce Base.
After convincing the staff aftertwo weeks of being there that
this wasn't real, this wasn'tlegit, I overreacted to a
situation.
They discharged me and said, go.
(01:54):
So I went back to Minot to be amissile cop.
You have to have this extraclearance called PRP, Personnel
Reliability Program.
Many people were telling meafter that fiasco, there was no
way I would be a cop again.
They weren't going to put a gunback in my hands because I did
(02:17):
something so outrageous.
I threatened suicide and theyweren't going to take that risk
on me.
Yet somehow they did.
Somehow I ended up right back asa cop.
I got my PRP back and I ended upcarrying my gun and back as a
(02:42):
missile cop again.
Here I am back in Minot decidingthat since that previous
relationship was over, I wasjust going to focus on growing
and maturing in doing things Ienjoy because I was 17 years
(03:03):
old.
I got myself into sports.
My favorite sport to watch isfootball.
My favorite sport to play isbasketball.
I'm definitely too old to dothat now.
I don't have the knees or theback to do that.
My lower back is messed up.
(03:23):
So anyway, I've always been anall or nothing type of guy.
That's still true to this day.
As hard as I try not to be thatkind of guy, I want to be the
kind of guy that doesn't have tobe all or nothing.
(03:45):
I'm currently listening to apodcast called The Power of
Habit.
In The Power of Habit, hasopened my eyes to things, even
now at 51 years old, that'sshowing me that there are
reasons I am the way that I am.
I used to always call itaddictive.
I used to say, oh, I come froman addictive family.
(04:08):
I told you about my uncles, mydad, my mom, and even my brother
and sister eventually fell intothat category where they became
addicted.
My sister became an alcoholic.
My brother became an alcoholicand a drug addict.
But it isn't just about being anaddict.
(04:28):
It's about the reward that youreceive, the way it makes you
feel when you do things.
So because of that rush, thatfeeling of satisfaction in what
it does for you, I've alwaysbeen all in or all out.
I would go to the missile field,work my three days, and then
(04:51):
come back And I play sports.
I played volleyball.
I played softball.
I played flag football.
And I played basketball.
And no matter what season itwas, whenever I wasn't
practicing or playing thatsport, I was playing basketball.
(05:11):
It is no exaggeration to say Iwould get up in the morning on
my days off, go to the gym, youknow, and play basketball.
for 12 hours.
No eating, no stopping.
I would have to sit out gamesbecause they were pickup games,
but I stayed in the gym at thatbasketball court for 12 hours
(05:34):
and played basketball.
I did that more times than Icould count.
The only thing that reallypulled me away from that was
other sports.
If I was playing a differentsport, then I would stop playing
basketball to go play tosoftball practice or to a
softball game or to football.
(05:55):
So that was my life at thatpoint.
One day I was playingvolleyball.
The guy to girl ratio in Minotis insane.
It's something like eight guysto one girl.
And on a military base, mostgirls you meet are married or in
(06:16):
the military, but also married.
People in the military getmarried pretty quickly.
They are quick to get serious.
I was playing volleyball one dayagainst the medical group and I
saw this girl there and shelooked like Demi Moore in
Ghosts.
If you know that look, she hadthe shorter hair, but she had
(06:42):
the look.
That's who I thought when I sawher.
I was shocked.
Instantly attracted to her.
I went up to her and startedtalking to her.
Initially, she showed me a lackof interest.
She wasn't really interested inme.
I didn't understand why.
How could you not be interestedin me?
I'm young.
(07:02):
I'm good looking.
I'm athletic.
So I was ignorant slash arroganta little bit back then.
So I couldn't take no for ananswer.
Somehow I reconnected with heragain.
And we started dating.
While we were dating, she wasreally honest with me about the
(07:23):
reason I wasn't interested is Iwas having an affair with a
married man.
I was like, I've already toldyou who I am, what type of
person I am.
And I was just blown away bythis.
Being single and having anaffair with a married man, that
was just way beyond anything I Iwould ever think of doing was
(07:48):
just such bad behavior to me.
I couldn't believe it.
She explained her side of thestory and how when she first saw
him, he had green eyes and darkhair, which she's totally
attracted to.
I had blue eyes and dirty blondehair, which was the complete
opposite of that.
(08:09):
She said that she wasn'tinterested in him.
Initially, but they got close.
One thing led to another and shewas having an affair with a
married man.
She was turning to me to endthat relationship and get into
something healthy and real.
Guys don't leave their wives fortheir mistress.
(08:31):
There's a reason they marrytheir wives.
I'm not saying it never happens,but typically that's not how
that works out.
So I ended up dating her and Inthe beginning, I wasn't too
serious about it.
I took my relationship with hermore lightly.
I wasn't super romantic.
I wasn't even close to the guythat I am today or in other
(08:56):
relationships.
I just took it more.
We're two young people in Minotand this is the hand we're
dealt.
Eventually, we ended up Talkingabout if we get married, we can
get out of these barracks withour roommates in these small
rooms and they'll give us a bighouse.
(09:17):
All we have to do is be married.
Why not?
Let's do that.
So we ended up getting married.
I proposed to her.
We ended up getting married, notwithout some bumps along the
road.
We got married and lived in thistwo-story, three-bedroom home.
(09:39):
And it was great.
Here I go from being this singleguy stuck in this tiny barracks
room with this cocky dude Ididn't really care for to
getting a three-bedroom house.
That was great.
Living that life, I could tellover time during the marriage,
she got more into therelationship.
(10:03):
She was genuinely falling deeperin love with me.
and getting more feelings forme.
And I was going the otherdirection because I was an
optimistic, happy-go-lucky typeperson with a positive attitude.
And she was just reallynegative.
(10:25):
She would come home, complainabout work, complain about the
people she worked with, alwaysworrying about the future and
how she wasn't living the lifeshe wanted to live, being stuck
in the Air Force.
She wanted to be a realtor.
That was her dream job.
And she was just so negative.
Eventually that wore on me.
(10:45):
I reached a point where Icouldn't deal with it anymore.
And that relationship was comingto an end.
So I approached her.
What really set it off was I washanging out with some friends
and there was this Blonde girlwho my friends were telling me
(11:07):
was interested in me.
I also was interested back inher.
I was attracted to her.
I wanted to see if that could besomething.
And I am not a scumbag, so I waslike, I can't do anything like
that because I'm married.
(11:29):
But...
You put those two together andthey make the perfect cocktail.
I approached her and I said, Iwant to move out.
I want a divorce.
And this is after four years ofmarriage, by the way.
She took it so much in strideand she was just like, all
(11:49):
right, if that's what you wantto do, I'll help you pack.
I'll help you move.
And it was really that smoothand that simple.
The whole time we were married,she had been on birth control.
And at some point when she feltlike the relationship was not in
(12:12):
a good place, she decided on herown to stop taking birth
control.
And she hid that from me.
At one point I asked her, areyou still taking birth control?
She said, yes, I am.
And it was a bold-faced lie.
So I move out and it's a prettyquick, amicable divorce with no
(12:38):
fighting.
Three months later, I'm hangingout of a pool.
This girl is sitting on my lap.
And next thing I know, she comeswalking into this pool and you
can tell she's angry.
And she walks up to me and handsme a manila envelope.
She says, here, we're divorcednow.
(13:00):
I hope you're happy.
She turns around, takes twosteps, stops and says, oh, by
the way, I'm pregnant.
And turns around and walks out.
So it was a real shocking momentfor me.
Shocking in every aspect.
Her response to everything.
How she was angry we weredivorced.
(13:22):
She was clearly upset that I hadmoved on.
Was she being honest?
nasty just to be nasty and saysomething to upset me?
Or was she legitimatelypregnant?
Eventually, I learned she waslegitimately pregnant.
She had gotten pregnant a coupleyears before and learned she had
(13:46):
a weak cervix.
She couldn't hold a pregnancywithout being bedridden, but she
didn't know that at that time.
The baby was Born early,underdeveloped.
It was one of the most difficultthings I ever had to go through
in my life.
Even though I wasn't ready to bea dad, you're there and you
(14:06):
watch your wife give birth to alittle girl.
A doctor has already told youit's premature.
Her lungs are underdeveloped.
There's nothing we can do aboutit.
You're going to give birth toher and she's going to die.
And That's a heavy load to puton a 22-year-old man and woman.
(14:31):
That's exactly what happened.
She gave birth to a little girl.
She came out screaming, crying,and she held her in her arms.
And within an hour, she passed.
One of the hardest things you'llever have to deal with in life.
I hope that never happens to youor anyone you know or love.
(14:55):
I'm even choking up a little bitthinking about it right now.
And that was 30 years ago.
And it certainly changed.
She was always really good tome, even though she didn't have
a positive outlook on life.
She was never bad to me.
She let me get away with murder.
(15:18):
I...
Wanted to play sports.
I wanted to watch sports.
I had direct TV.
I would watch basketball,baseball, football, whatever
season it was.
I wasn't interested in being areal husband.
I wasn't even trying to be areal husband.
The only way I was trying to beanything was just by being
honest and faithful.
(15:39):
I didn't believe in cheating.
I didn't want to cheat on her,even though opportunities had
arisen where that stuff couldhave happened.
It just wasn't who I was.
I wanted to be true to myself,but I also was true to myself to
a fault that I just wanted to dowhat I wanted to do when I
wanted to do it.
A lot of women wouldn't have putup with that.
(16:00):
She dealt with it.
She put up with it.
She was never bad to me.
I just couldn't put up with herattitude and her personality,
the way she viewed life.
When that incident happened,that amplified, that multiplied.
She only became more negativeabout life.
And that's really what helpedlead to a faster track to the
(16:25):
divorce.
I find out that now I'm divorcedand also going to have a child
at the same time.
And it was a nasty time.
She was bitter.
She was angry.
I was freshly divorced, 24 yearsold.
Being a man whore, I was datingthree girls at the same time
(16:48):
openly.
letting them all know I just gotdivorced.
I'm not serious about anyone.
I want to date whoever I want todate.
It's not a big town.
All three of them knew they wereseeing me at the same time.
I was doing it openly and tryingto divide my life between three
(17:09):
women and deal with thissituation with a pregnant
ex-wife.
She was really not kind to me inthis time.
And I'm not saying she shouldhave been.
She was hurt.
She was bitter.
And she wasn't telling meanything.
She wasn't keeping me updated onher pregnancy.
(17:30):
She wasn't letting me knowanything.
One night I went out to a clubto go dancing and saw her there.
I was like, what are you doinghere?
You're pregnant.
You have a weak cervix and youcan lose the baby and she just
looks at me and she says that'swhat I'm trying to do she was
(17:52):
intentionally trying to inducelabor and lose the baby and she
made that clear that she didn'twant the baby and so for
whatever reason it didn't happentowards the later part of the
pregnancy she went on bed restshe kept him Later, I would come
(18:16):
to learn that I had a son.
She gave birth to him four daysbefore she even bothered to tell
me he had been born.
When I asked her, why don't youtell me?
She's, you're not in my life.
You don't need all the bitterstuff.
And I said, I want to come meethim.
I want to come see him.
And she opens the door to let medo that.
(18:39):
She says, yes, you can come seehim, but you can meet him.
My mom's here, so you're goingto have to deal with that.
I was like, okay, fine.
But you can't bring anyoneyou're dating.
She was very serious about that.
And being a true grown adultmale, I totally understand that
now.
(18:59):
But back then I was like, whynot?
We're not together.
I should be able to bringwhoever I want.
But that was rude of me.
So I get there and I go into herhouse, the house that we used to
have together and And I goupstairs and I see this
beautiful little baby boy andhis name is Ethan.
And I pick him up and hold himand this rush of love comes
(19:26):
over.
Nothing I had ever felt beforein my life, even the birth of my
little brother.
This is now mine.
This is half me.
This is something I created was.
unbelievable how much love Ifelt for this little guy.
All I can think about is how canmy dad spend the first two years
(19:47):
of my life with me and then havenothing to do with me?
I was thinking I'm going to besuch a good dad to this little
boy.
I'm going to love him and raisehim and help him be the best boy
he can be.
And after my visit with him,Ethan's mom has the nerve to
come to me and say, Hey, Can younot have anything to do with
(20:09):
him?
I was like, what?
She was like, yeah, I can raisehim.
I can take care of him.
I don't need you.
I'm not going to ask foranything from you.
I'm not going to ask for childsupport.
I'll take care of him.
I'm just asking you to not bepart of his life.
I look at her and I say, do youknow who I am?
Do you not even know me?
(20:30):
You know, I grew up without aday.
You think I would do that toyou?
My own little boy.
There's no way in hell I woulddo that.
I left upset and angry.
The fact that she would even askme to do that when I had felt
all this love and joy andoverwhelmed by this little boy.
(20:53):
So now I had a son, my firstson, and his name was Ethan.
And it was going to belife-changing.
I will get to that eventually,but I will also end up
backtracking and talking aboutsome more things that happened
(21:17):
in my Air Force life and my AirForce career.
I will do that on the nextepisode.
Thank you for listening toepisode five, and I will talk to
you next time.
Welcome back to Brandon Held Life is Crazy.
This is episode five.
I appreciate you for hanging inand sticking with me through my
amateur issues.
My undergraduate degree isessentially in broadcasting that
(00:23):
I graduated with in 2000.
So in the back of my mind, Iknow do's and don'ts for
broadcasting, but these areprofessional rules, and I don't
really care.
I want to feel more like you'resitting next to me on the couch,
and we're having a conversation.
You're getting who I am, notsome filtered version of me
(00:47):
trying to be a professional.
I sound like a hillbilly fromOhio a little bit, the way that
I talk.
I'm from Ohio, but I could...
Annunciate.
I could be more professional.
I could talk to you moreprofessionally.
But I don't want to do that.
So this is what you're getting.
This is what I'm offering.
(01:09):
And I hope you like it.
I hope it doesn't bother you.
The point is to tell my story,not be a professional
broadcaster.
Where I last left off with youwas the...
Huge mistake I made gettingmyself into the mental
(01:31):
institution down at Lackland AirForce Base.
After convincing the staff aftertwo weeks of being there that
this wasn't real, this wasn'tlegit, I overreacted to a
situation.
They discharged me and said, go.
(01:54):
So I went back to Minot to be amissile cop.
You have to have this extraclearance called PRP, Personnel
Reliability Program.
Many people were telling meafter that fiasco, there was no
way I would be a cop again.
They weren't going to put a gunback in my hands because I did
(02:17):
something so outrageous.
I threatened suicide and theyweren't going to take that risk
on me.
Yet somehow they did.
Somehow I ended up right back asa cop.
I got my PRP back and I ended upcarrying my gun and back as a
(02:42):
missile cop again.
Here I am back in Minot decidingthat since that previous
relationship was over, I wasjust going to focus on growing
and maturing in doing things Ienjoy because I was 17 years
(03:03):
old.
I got myself into sports.
My favorite sport to watch isfootball.
My favorite sport to play isbasketball.
I'm definitely too old to dothat now.
I don't have the knees or theback to do that.
My lower back is messed up.
(03:23):
So anyway, I've always been anall or nothing type of guy.
That's still true to this day.
As hard as I try not to be thatkind of guy, I want to be the
kind of guy that doesn't have tobe all or nothing.
(03:45):
I'm currently listening to apodcast called The Power of
Habit.
In The Power of Habit, hasopened my eyes to things, even
now at 51 years old, that'sshowing me that there are
reasons I am the way that I am.
I used to always call itaddictive.
I used to say, oh, I come froman addictive family.
(04:08):
I told you about my uncles, mydad, my mom, and even my brother
and sister eventually fell intothat category where they became
addicted.
My sister became an alcoholic.
My brother became an alcoholicand a drug addict.
But it isn't just about being anaddict.
(04:28):
It's about the reward that youreceive, the way it makes you
feel when you do things.
So because of that rush, thatfeeling of satisfaction in what
it does for you, I've alwaysbeen all in or all out.
I would go to the missile field,work my three days, and then
(04:51):
come back And I play sports.
I played volleyball.
I played softball.
I played flag football.
And I played basketball.
And no matter what season itwas, whenever I wasn't
practicing or playing thatsport, I was playing basketball.
(05:11):
It is no exaggeration to say Iwould get up in the morning on
my days off, go to the gym, youknow, and play basketball.
for 12 hours.
No eating, no stopping.
I would have to sit out gamesbecause they were pickup games,
but I stayed in the gym at thatbasketball court for 12 hours
(05:34):
and played basketball.
I did that more times than Icould count.
The only thing that reallypulled me away from that was
other sports.
If I was playing a differentsport, then I would stop playing
basketball to go play tosoftball practice or to a
softball game or to football.
(05:55):
So that was my life at thatpoint.
One day I was playingvolleyball.
The guy to girl ratio in Minotis insane.
It's something like eight guysto one girl.
And on a military base, mostgirls you meet are married or in
(06:16):
the military, but also married.
People in the military getmarried pretty quickly.
They are quick to get serious.
I was playing volleyball one dayagainst the medical group and I
saw this girl there and shelooked like Demi Moore in
Ghosts.
If you know that look, she hadthe shorter hair, but she had
(06:42):
the look.
That's who I thought when I sawher.
I was shocked.
Instantly attracted to her.
I went up to her and startedtalking to her.
Initially, she showed me a lackof interest.
She wasn't really interested inme.
I didn't understand why.
How could you not be interestedin me?
I'm young.
(07:02):
I'm good looking.
I'm athletic.
So I was ignorant slash arroganta little bit back then.
So I couldn't take no for ananswer.
Somehow I reconnected with heragain.
And we started dating.
While we were dating, she wasreally honest with me about the
(07:23):
reason I wasn't interested is Iwas having an affair with a
married man.
I was like, I've already toldyou who I am, what type of
person I am.
And I was just blown away bythis.
Being single and having anaffair with a married man, that
was just way beyond anything I Iwould ever think of doing was
(07:48):
just such bad behavior to me.
I couldn't believe it.
She explained her side of thestory and how when she first saw
him, he had green eyes and darkhair, which she's totally
attracted to.
I had blue eyes and dirty blondehair, which was the complete
opposite of that.
(08:09):
She said that she wasn'tinterested in him.
Initially, but they got close.
One thing led to another and shewas having an affair with a
married man.
She was turning to me to endthat relationship and get into
something healthy and real.
Guys don't leave their wives fortheir mistress.
(08:31):
There's a reason they marrytheir wives.
I'm not saying it never happens,but typically that's not how
that works out.
So I ended up dating her and Inthe beginning, I wasn't too
serious about it.
I took my relationship with hermore lightly.
I wasn't super romantic.
I wasn't even close to the guythat I am today or in other
(08:56):
relationships.
I just took it more.
We're two young people in Minotand this is the hand we're
dealt.
Eventually, we ended up Talkingabout if we get married, we can
get out of these barracks withour roommates in these small
rooms and they'll give us a bighouse.
(09:17):
All we have to do is be married.
Why not?
Let's do that.
So we ended up getting married.
I proposed to her.
We ended up getting married, notwithout some bumps along the
road.
We got married and lived in thistwo-story, three-bedroom home.
(09:39):
And it was great.
Here I go from being this singleguy stuck in this tiny barracks
room with this cocky dude Ididn't really care for to
getting a three-bedroom house.
That was great.
Living that life, I could tellover time during the marriage,
she got more into therelationship.
(10:03):
She was genuinely falling deeperin love with me.
and getting more feelings forme.
And I was going the otherdirection because I was an
optimistic, happy-go-lucky typeperson with a positive attitude.
And she was just reallynegative.
(10:25):
She would come home, complainabout work, complain about the
people she worked with, alwaysworrying about the future and
how she wasn't living the lifeshe wanted to live, being stuck
in the Air Force.
She wanted to be a realtor.
That was her dream job.
And she was just so negative.
Eventually that wore on me.
(10:45):
I reached a point where Icouldn't deal with it anymore.
And that relationship was comingto an end.
So I approached her.
What really set it off was I washanging out with some friends
and there was this Blonde girlwho my friends were telling me
(11:07):
was interested in me.
I also was interested back inher.
I was attracted to her.
I wanted to see if that could besomething.
And I am not a scumbag, so I waslike, I can't do anything like
that because I'm married.
(11:29):
But...
You put those two together andthey make the perfect cocktail.
I approached her and I said, Iwant to move out.
I want a divorce.
And this is after four years ofmarriage, by the way.
She took it so much in strideand she was just like, all
(11:49):
right, if that's what you wantto do, I'll help you pack.
I'll help you move.
And it was really that smoothand that simple.
The whole time we were married,she had been on birth control.
And at some point when she feltlike the relationship was not in
(12:12):
a good place, she decided on herown to stop taking birth
control.
And she hid that from me.
At one point I asked her, areyou still taking birth control?
She said, yes, I am.
And it was a bold-faced lie.
So I move out and it's a prettyquick, amicable divorce with no
(12:38):
fighting.
Three months later, I'm hangingout of a pool.
This girl is sitting on my lap.
And next thing I know, she comeswalking into this pool and you
can tell she's angry.
And she walks up to me and handsme a manila envelope.
She says, here, we're divorcednow.
(13:00):
I hope you're happy.
She turns around, takes twosteps, stops and says, oh, by
the way, I'm pregnant.
And turns around and walks out.
So it was a real shocking momentfor me.
Shocking in every aspect.
Her response to everything.
How she was angry we weredivorced.
(13:22):
She was clearly upset that I hadmoved on.
Was she being honest?
nasty just to be nasty and saysomething to upset me?
Or was she legitimatelypregnant?
Eventually, I learned she waslegitimately pregnant.
She had gotten pregnant a coupleyears before and learned she had
(13:46):
a weak cervix.
She couldn't hold a pregnancywithout being bedridden, but she
didn't know that at that time.
The baby was Born early,underdeveloped.
It was one of the most difficultthings I ever had to go through
in my life.
Even though I wasn't ready to bea dad, you're there and you
(14:06):
watch your wife give birth to alittle girl.
A doctor has already told youit's premature.
Her lungs are underdeveloped.
There's nothing we can do aboutit.
You're going to give birth toher and she's going to die.
And That's a heavy load to puton a 22-year-old man and woman.
(14:31):
That's exactly what happened.
She gave birth to a little girl.
She came out screaming, crying,and she held her in her arms.
And within an hour, she passed.
One of the hardest things you'llever have to deal with in life.
I hope that never happens to youor anyone you know or love.
(14:55):
I'm even choking up a little bitthinking about it right now.
And that was 30 years ago.
And it certainly changed.
She was always really good tome, even though she didn't have
a positive outlook on life.
She was never bad to me.
She let me get away with murder.
(15:18):
I...
Wanted to play sports.
I wanted to watch sports.
I had direct TV.
I would watch basketball,baseball, football, whatever
season it was.
I wasn't interested in being areal husband.
I wasn't even trying to be areal husband.
The only way I was trying to beanything was just by being
honest and faithful.
(15:39):
I didn't believe in cheating.
I didn't want to cheat on her,even though opportunities had
arisen where that stuff couldhave happened.
It just wasn't who I was.
I wanted to be true to myself,but I also was true to myself to
a fault that I just wanted to dowhat I wanted to do when I
wanted to do it.
A lot of women wouldn't have putup with that.
(16:00):
She dealt with it.
She put up with it.
She was never bad to me.
I just couldn't put up with herattitude and her personality,
the way she viewed life.
When that incident happened,that amplified, that multiplied.
She only became more negativeabout life.
And that's really what helpedlead to a faster track to the
(16:25):
divorce.
I find out that now I'm divorcedand also going to have a child
at the same time.
And it was a nasty time.
She was bitter.
She was angry.
I was freshly divorced, 24 yearsold.
Being a man whore, I was datingthree girls at the same time
(16:48):
openly.
letting them all know I just gotdivorced.
I'm not serious about anyone.
I want to date whoever I want todate.
It's not a big town.
All three of them knew they wereseeing me at the same time.
I was doing it openly and tryingto divide my life between three
(17:09):
women and deal with thissituation with a pregnant
ex-wife.
She was really not kind to me inthis time.
And I'm not saying she shouldhave been.
She was hurt.
She was bitter.
And she wasn't telling meanything.
She wasn't keeping me updated onher pregnancy.
(17:30):
She wasn't letting me knowanything.
One night I went out to a clubto go dancing and saw her there.
I was like, what are you doinghere?
You're pregnant.
You have a weak cervix and youcan lose the baby and she just
looks at me and she says that'swhat I'm trying to do she was
(17:52):
intentionally trying to inducelabor and lose the baby and she
made that clear that she didn'twant the baby and so for
whatever reason it didn't happentowards the later part of the
pregnancy she went on bed restshe kept him Later, I would come
(18:16):
to learn that I had a son.
She gave birth to him four daysbefore she even bothered to tell
me he had been born.
When I asked her, why don't youtell me?
She's, you're not in my life.
You don't need all the bitterstuff.
And I said, I want to come meethim.
I want to come see him.
And she opens the door to let medo that.
(18:39):
She says, yes, you can come seehim, but you can meet him.
My mom's here, so you're goingto have to deal with that.
I was like, okay, fine.
But you can't bring anyoneyou're dating.
She was very serious about that.
And being a true grown adultmale, I totally understand that
now.
(18:59):
But back then I was like, whynot?
We're not together.
I should be able to bringwhoever I want.
But that was rude of me.
So I get there and I go into herhouse, the house that we used to
have together and And I goupstairs and I see this
beautiful little baby boy andhis name is Ethan.
And I pick him up and hold himand this rush of love comes
(19:26):
over.
Nothing I had ever felt beforein my life, even the birth of my
little brother.
This is now mine.
This is half me.
This is something I created was.
unbelievable how much love Ifelt for this little guy.
All I can think about is how canmy dad spend the first two years
(19:47):
of my life with me and then havenothing to do with me?
I was thinking I'm going to besuch a good dad to this little
boy.
I'm going to love him and raisehim and help him be the best boy
he can be.
And after my visit with him,Ethan's mom has the nerve to
come to me and say, Hey, Can younot have anything to do with
(20:09):
him?
I was like, what?
She was like, yeah, I can raisehim.
I can take care of him.
I don't need you.
I'm not going to ask foranything from you.
I'm not going to ask for childsupport.
I'll take care of him.
I'm just asking you to not bepart of his life.
I look at her and I say, do youknow who I am?
Do you not even know me?
(20:30):
You know, I grew up without aday.
You think I would do that toyou?
My own little boy.
There's no way in hell I woulddo that.
I left upset and angry.
The fact that she would even askme to do that when I had felt
all this love and joy andoverwhelmed by this little boy.
(20:53):
So now I had a son, my firstson, and his name was Ethan.
And it was going to belife-changing.
I will get to that eventually,but I will also end up
backtracking and talking aboutsome more things that happened
(21:17):
in my Air Force life and my AirForce career.
I will do that on the nextepisode.
Thank you for listening toepisode five, and I will talk to
you next time.
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