July 23, 2024 • 23 mins
After her second triple infusion of chemo, Tita is feeling worse than ever—no appetite, headaches, achy joints, the whole side effect shebang.
The silver lining is that her oncologist can no longer find the lump. She checks herself regularly, hoping it stays gone.
Emotionally drained, she cuts all her hair off herself and thinks through her reasoning for wanting a double mastectomy when the time comes.
After her mom's death and some family issues, Dr. Tita Gray found a lump in her breast, leading to a biopsy that confirmed breast cancer. In season 3 of Breast Cancer Stories, Tita shares her journey through a triple-negative breast cancer diagnosis, aggressive chemo and immunotherapy, and choosing to go flat after a double mastectomy.
Consider becoming a paid subscriber to our newsletter (it’s $4/month)
Reach out to bcs@theaxis.io if you want talk about sponsoring this season, which will include ALL episodes (this is called run-of-show in podcast ads lingo)
Make a one time donation in any amount via PayPal
This podcast is about what happens when you have breast cancer, told in real time.
Host and Executive Producer: Eva Sheie
Co-Host: Kristen Vengler
Editor and Audio Engineer: Daniel Croeser
Theme Music: Them Highs and Lows, Bird of Figment
Production Assistant: Mary Ellen Clarkson
Cover Art Designer: Shawn Hiatt
Assistant Producer: Hannah Burkhart
Breast Cancer Stories is a production of The Axis.
PROUDLY MADE IN AUSTIN, TEXAS
The silver lining is that her oncologist can no longer find the lump. She checks herself regularly, hoping it stays gone.
Emotionally drained, she cuts all her hair off herself and thinks through her reasoning for wanting a double mastectomy when the time comes.
After her mom's death and some family issues, Dr. Tita Gray found a lump in her breast, leading to a biopsy that confirmed breast cancer. In season 3 of Breast Cancer Stories, Tita shares her journey through a triple-negative breast cancer diagnosis, aggressive chemo and immunotherapy, and choosing to go flat after a double mastectomy.
Consider becoming a paid subscriber to our newsletter (it’s $4/month)
Reach out to bcs@theaxis.io if you want talk about sponsoring this season, which will include ALL episodes (this is called run-of-show in podcast ads lingo)
Make a one time donation in any amount via PayPal
This podcast is about what happens when you have breast cancer, told in real time.
Host and Executive Producer: Eva Sheie
Co-Host: Kristen Vengler
Editor and Audio Engineer: Daniel Croeser
Theme Music: Them Highs and Lows, Bird of Figment
Production Assistant: Mary Ellen Clarkson
Cover Art Designer: Shawn Hiatt
Assistant Producer: Hannah Burkhart
Breast Cancer Stories is a production of The Axis.
PROUDLY MADE IN AUSTIN, TEXAS
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
This is a story about what happens when you have
breast cancer, told in real time.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
So Hi, Hi, Kristin, how are you titda?
Speaker 3 (00:20):
I'm okay today. It was a very challenging week, not
good at all.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Yeah, can you talk to me a little bit about that.
I hate to bring it back to you.
Speaker 3 (00:31):
But no, it's okay. This past Monday was my second
time having the sort of triple four hour infusion.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Right where you get all the stuff.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Yeah, And I was good the same day, and I
was good the next day, but after that it was downhill.
Like today is probably the first day that I'm just
really up. Yesterday maybe a little bit. I ate for
the first time yesterday. I didn't eat Wednesday or Thursday.
I couldn't hold anything down.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Okay, And that's completely different from what's happened before.
Speaker 3 (01:05):
Yeah, the first one it had me out one day,
you know, and it was like I didn't have enough hydration.
I understood, you know, I didn't manage like taking something
for the constipation and stuff like that. So you know,
I've gotten better. So it's been really really really really manageable.
But this past week was it was horrible. It was
(01:27):
every symptom I could possibly imagine. I was getting my
hair did fall out, which was fine, but then I
had a major headache I had. It wasn't even nausea.
I was completely regurgitating and couldn't sleep and my joints
were achy. What hell is? What didn't happen? Yeah? It was?
It was bad.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
I'm so sorry. So to recap a little bit for
the audience is that each chemo is not the same
for tita. Do you want to talk a little bit
about that? So you have several rounds.
Speaker 3 (02:00):
So I have chemo pretty much every week on a
Monday since October thirtieth, but on October thirtieth, in this
past November twentieth and December eleventh, I will have triple chemo.
I will have like two or three types of chemo.
(02:20):
So those days the infusion goes for like three three hours.
And for some reason, this go round was just debilitating.
Never been this sick before, and so you know, the
good thing is that I haven't been this sick before,
you know, right, Yeah, that's a good thing about it.
(02:42):
But I am going to talk to my doctor about
it because I can't tell what's actually really going on,
but what it feels like it feels like it's too much.
If I had to say, like, it just feels like
it's my body is saying it's too much. That's the
word I feel. That's what it's feeling like to me,
(03:03):
because no matter what I did, anti nausea, tons of hydration,
taking the shots my giving. Now I'm giving myself the
shots that I'm taking the zorio. I give myself that
three times a week.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
Can you repeat that? What was it called.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
It's called zario zar xio and it's it is an
immune booster, so it keeps you from getting infections and
things like that. So I'm doing that myself instead of
going there three times a week. Because you don't take
blood and the needle is souls, then you barely even
feel it. So yeah, so this week was very troubling
(03:40):
and it's making me a little anxious about December eleventh
when I have to do this again. So I just
got to talk to my doctor about what could have
gone wrong. On the good side. Oh yeah, but if
you have some questions to ask, I'll let you do
your questions though, because there's some good stuff on too.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
Oh there's some really good stuff.
Speaker 3 (03:58):
Yell.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
So I'm so excited about that. You and I were
texting on Monday and your labs were so good and
you're like, I feel strong as a horse like these,
you know, the immune system is really working, Like I
feel so great and I was so relieved. So what's
really interesting? So people listening may or may not have
heard this from their oncologist. I heard it from my oncologist,
(04:21):
and it wasn't true. I heard that the first chemo,
the way that you managed the first chemo is pretty
much what your chemo is going to look like, which
for you, the first one was all the things, all
the drugs, right. I was sick one day, right, And
then you had two weeks where it was I say,
I have my air quotes, just tax all and so
(04:43):
there's just the one drug on those other weeks. And
so then you have this week where you got all
of them again, right, And it was not the same
as the first one. So no, no, with this one
having all the things, it could be unfortunately, the typical
chemo experience. And here's what I will say that I
(05:05):
learned from Natasha was that she was kind of toughing
it out and not getting hydration, and the people in
the eer she went to the er finally, and the
people in the er said, don't tough it out. There
are things we can do to help you feel better.
And so I really want you and you know this,
but I really am reemphasizing that, and also the people
(05:27):
out in podcast world like, don't you don't have to
tough it out. And so what a week first of all, yeah, yeah,
and then you kept your hair real short anyhow, and
we talked about, you know, how you were feeling like
there might be sun that it was coming out. And
then like the next day, I see this beautiful bald
picture come through my phone and you're one of the
(05:49):
most beautiful bald women I've ever seen. Thank you, and
you look really healthy. Can you talk a little bit
about losing your hair, like what was that process like?
And then I think you said your barber was going
to get the privilege of shaping Well he was, but
he's you know, in a whole nother state for Thanksgiving
and one of my best friends was going to go
with me and she was gonna shave hers down to.
Speaker 3 (06:09):
A buzz as well. However, it was coming out just
you know, there was like patches and I was like,
I can't do this. I'm way too vain for that.
So okay, so I just took my clippers and just
shaved it off and yeah, and took the picture and
it is what it is. And you know, honestly, two
(06:31):
of my best friends have bal heads. I mean they
just wear a ball period, two black women, and so
I would be wearing it outside ball. But the problem
is is that it's getting a little bit chilly. And
I'm already the type of person, even with a short haircut,
you know, when it's chilly out, my head's the first
thing to get cold. So now of course it's just worse.
(06:52):
But it wasn't devastating or anything for me. It was
like it felt procedural. It was like, okay, the procedure
now what we have spots? Yes exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
Did you get that feeling where it felt like your
head was tingling? Did you get that at all? I
think so it's the weirdest thing.
Speaker 3 (07:12):
Yeah, I think I did. And I think it was
even feeling a little sore.
Speaker 2 (07:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (07:17):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
It's the process behind all of it, I guess, is
or the medical piece behind it is that the chemo
attacks the fast growing cells in your body because that's
what cancer cells are, and so that's why from your
digestive system from lips to the end get thrashed because
those are fast generating, as well as your hair follicles
(07:39):
and your skin follicles. And so if you think about it,
your skin cells up there are not feeling great because
they're regenerating, and then your hair follicles right at the
same time, mine just felt like I had the tightest
ponytail I'd ever had.
Speaker 3 (07:56):
Yeah, I did feel tight. It was a tightness.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
Yeah, it's something you can then explained.
Speaker 3 (08:00):
Right, that's the best way to put it. Yeah, so
welcome to that.
Speaker 2 (08:05):
I've now been bald club. I have to put some
bald pictures next to each other. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (08:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
And so those of you who've been listening for a while,
Natasha did the cold capping and I have that too.
You do have that too, okay, And that did actually
provide relief. Oh good, good, okay good. The other thing
that happened this week, I know this was the first holiday,
the first Thanksgiving without your mom, right, Yeah.
Speaker 3 (08:35):
You know. The thing for this because of my mother
being all the way on the East coast and then
you know she was at one point I was in Maryland,
she was in Boston. We didn't really spend Thanksgivings together
very much. So I think that I didn't miss that
part of it with her. I just missed like getting
(08:56):
a card or hearing her tell me Happy Thanksgiving and
stuff like that. Her physical presence, yeah, just her voice
or a card or something. So, but I was so
sick on Thanksgiving Day that just yeah, honestly, I wouldn't
have wanted her to even hear me that sick. It
(09:16):
would have it would have made it really depressed.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
Oh yeah, can you remind me? Do you see your
oncologist or your doctor each week?
Speaker 3 (09:27):
Yep, she's there every time. Yes.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
Oh great, So you'll get to have that conversation with
her in a couple of days about what can we
do to feel better?
Speaker 3 (09:34):
Yes? Yeah, I'm gonna just kind of say, I don't
know what happened, but yeah, I don't know. It just
felt like it was too much, Like it was just
kind of like, can't we just do the regular week
kind of stuff? Isn't that going to be enough? Because
there's no lump anymore.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
The lump is gone, Like, yes, help me, tell me,
tell me, tell me, tell me.
Speaker 3 (09:56):
So I on Monday morning. I mean pretty much almost
all the time, I would give myself a breast exam
at least every other day, and Monday I did the
same thing, and I was like, okay, where is it.
So I'm pressing down and I still can't feel anything,
and I was just like, oh, wow, this is where
it is. I know that for sure, I'll never forget
(10:17):
that in my life of where where the lump was.
And so when my doctor came to do her rounds,
I told her I said I can't feel lump there anymore.
She was like, okay, let me do a breast exam
as soon as you finish your treatment. So I did
and laying down and next thing you know, she's giving
me the breast exam and she's feeling all over and
(10:39):
I'm sort of saying to myself, well, I know she's
going to feel the lump because she's a doctor, so
of course she'll find something that I don't write. And
then she looked at me and she said I can't
find it, and I said I know, and I said
here's where it was, and she was just like, oh
my god, there's like nothing there, and I said I know.
So we talked about when I'll probably have another biopsy
(11:03):
and another MRI and ultrasound, and she said, you know, yeah,
let's we're going to get to that point where we're
going to do that again and then you know, you
talk to your surgeon and we talk about next steps.
So nice. I was just like the fact that it
was gone was just like so beautiful.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
So can you remind us to like were in the
breast it was your left.
Speaker 3 (11:27):
My left breast, my left breast.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
And whereabouts it is it?
Speaker 3 (11:31):
I would say like at the top, like at if
you were looking at my breast, it would be like
at one o'clock, Okay, that's where it was. And it
was like the size of a quarter.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
Okay, that's not small, and you couldn't feel it. And
then she couldn't feel it yep. Yeah, and the look
on her face was everything. And you know, I'm optimistic,
but I still know. I'm like, you know, cancer is
creepy and it's weird and it can kind of do
what it wants to do in a heart beatnak, but
(12:04):
I do. I'm going to just allow this moment of
celebration for that small thing and we'll see what happens.
But I you know, I feel very optimistic. But I've
just been telling everyone that I talk to. If you're
not doing for women, if you're not doing a breast exam,
you're doing yourself a disservice. There's no reason why every
(12:25):
time when you get in the shower, literally you are
not doing some sort of breasts. I mean, you have
to wash yourself anyway, So just feel around. Especially if
you're told that you have dense tissue, then you probably
need to do it even more so. Yeah, and now
for those people out in podcast world, I found my
(12:47):
own before Natasha and I started and decided to record,
I didn't know she had found her own.
Speaker 3 (12:54):
I found my own worth three for three girls.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
Yeah, and so spread the news that you gotta you
just have to. And it's not cliche. It's like brush
on your teeth. It's that important. And with Natasha, hers
went away, I mean hers was gone too. When they
went in to do a lumpectomy, they sent the pathology
(13:17):
back there were no cancer cells whatsoever.
Speaker 3 (13:20):
That's amazing, So.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
I want you to know that's completely possible.
Speaker 3 (13:23):
Yeah, that's awesome.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
She did the lumpectomy anyhow, and there where they took
the cells where they you know, where they had seen
it and there was there was not a cancer cell
to be found.
Speaker 3 (13:33):
I've been thinking a lot about it that I probably
want to do the double mess ectomy.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
Right, yeah, can you talk to me about that element. Well, honestly,
I just don't want to have the probability of going
through this again. And it's not I'm not that attached.
Speaker 3 (13:52):
To them, right, Yeah, it's really you know, I mean,
you know, in my sixties, it's not and I'm not that.
As a matter of fact, I think the lesser amount
is better on me. It's just sexier. I can wear
my shirts the way I want. I can, you know,
if I want, I'll get tattoos there and do something
really creative. But I don't want to have to go
(14:14):
through this again with these breasts. Nah.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
Yeah, Okay, So on Monday, you have the air quotes again,
easy chemo, and you'll have the conversation with your doctor
about what's coming next. So you feel like this week
has been the biggest physical challenge and you feel emotionally
without a doubt too.
Speaker 3 (14:36):
Yeah. Yeah, it's definitely emotionally draining. I think that when
you're going through it and you're that you're feeling that sick.
You don't really feel much emotion. You just you just
want to figure out should I lay in bed, should
I sit up? Should I get more water? Should I
(14:56):
drink more tea? Or as a matter of fact, I couldn't
even I couldn't hold anything down. It was just what
should I do to feel better? I couldn't do anything
to figure out how to make it go away. And
it was, you know, forty eight hours, so it sucked. Yeah.
So my dog just laid with me, like he didn't
(15:18):
even really want to go out. It's just been amazing,
like he just wanted to stay by my side.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Yeah, tell us her dog's name, Toby, Toby so sweet.
Speaker 3 (15:30):
Yeah, he's amazing.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
I wanted to also ask you how your hands and
feet are doing.
Speaker 3 (15:36):
They're doing fine. Actually, you know, from what I realized
with neuropathy is that usually you're sensitive to cold, and
actually a cold has been making me feel better.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
Yes, are you finding yourself able to walk a little
bit and move around?
Speaker 3 (15:52):
And oh yeah, I do. I make myself do it honestly,
like and Toby likes to play as well, So as
much as I can, I take in the courtyard and
just kick the ball to him, but he keeps looking
at me like you can't really get it, can you?
Like you know?
Speaker 2 (16:07):
Like you he knows, you know.
Speaker 3 (16:09):
So I try in the house to play with him
with his little toys and do all of that, so
his energy keeps me active.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Yeah, that's great, I would believe that. So is it
safe to say I'm just looking at the date? Is
it safe to say, or like date wise about halfway through? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (16:28):
Oh yeah, I was halfway through this past Monday.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
Yes, that's great. What have you learned about yourself in this?
Speaker 3 (16:39):
Yeah, that's a really good question. I don't know. I
guess that in the spiritual sense of it, you know,
maybe somewhat religious, that overall, I'm really not given more
than I can handle. I do believe that, and I
do believe that there is a higher We don't go
(17:02):
through things just for not it's to pass on information.
It's to maybe be a part of a larger mission
for people to not have cancer anymore. Maybe it is
to be a part of something larger, to inform about
the medical dichotomy for black women and lots of others,
(17:24):
you know. So I'm just looking at the bigger picture
and not just making it about what's going on with me,
but always talking about Now. What I haven't done yet
is I haven't gone on social media and said, you know,
this is what I have. I wanted it to be
a little bit more private. If somebody found out that,
that's fine, and if I wanted to tell somebody, but
(17:45):
I didn't want to make it a social media spectacle
because I have people on Facebook and Instagram that I
barely know, and this is just too personal for me
to share with people in that manner. Now, maybe after
I will, I will talk about it, but right now, Nah.
Speaker 2 (18:05):
It's interesting you say that because even I were doing
the podcast from January eleventh forward, and we didn't launch
the podcast until I want to say it was end
of August, beginning of September. I think I was going
to radiation in August when I finally put something on
(18:26):
there about it. And it was because for the same reasons.
It felt like, first of all, I couldn't take anybody's judgment,
and it was also that was in my brain. It
was all in my brain. All I got was love,
but I didn't know what it was going to look like,
and I didn't want a lot of questions and then
(18:46):
when I got really deep in it, I wasn't sure
I was going to make it, and I just didn't
know if I could handle any of that. The other thing, too,
is I have probably like you, I have former students,
and the last thing you want to do is worry
those people who love you.
Speaker 3 (19:02):
Yeah, and I'm a former professor as well, with tons
of students that I'm very close to.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
And yeah, I just didn't want that. Plus I didn't
know what I didn't know, and I didn't.
Speaker 3 (19:12):
Yeah you know what, you remember I think I said
to you that. Also, it started becoming with one or
two people where I found myself managing their emotions and
I was like, I can't do that, Like I can't
manage what you're feeling right now, right. So I didn't
want to.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
Have that through social media either, because yeah, some of
it isn't real, right, Yeah. Absolutely, So this next week,
I really want no sickness. I want no biopsies. Okay,
all right, that works for me.
Speaker 3 (19:48):
Yeah, no sickness, no biopsies, no tingle's, no nausea. Yeah,
there you go.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
You know what I'm looking forward to finding out too.
And I know that your doctors and I know the year.
You'll dig into it too, is you know, the differences
between African American women and their treatment and the cancers.
And because we all know that based on different ethnicities,
different cultural not even I won't want to say cultural,
it's not that's not the right way to say it.
(20:17):
It's just it's different, different ethnicities. Yeah, that's it, based
on your genes. You know, there really are different factors
that show up.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
You introduced me to somebody, Ricky Farley. Was it you
that was telling me about her? No, it was another
woman in the support group. Okay, so black woman. Her
name is Ricky Farley f A I R L E. Y.
And she was a triple negative and she I reached
out to her and next thing, you know, like she
reached out, all I did was said, hey, I was
a triple negative too. She is being very proactive with
(20:50):
making sure that black women are part of clinical trials
because we were extremely isolated. We were very isolated from
clinical trials. And how can you actually really diagnose this
disease in its fullness and its totality if you don't
have black women as part of your clinical trials. So
(21:12):
that's literally what she has been doing. So I've been
really active in just getting out there and talking to
people and being a part of So if I can
be a part of clinical trials, you know, I'm definitely
going to do it as well.
Speaker 2 (21:24):
Yep, I love that. I love that. So Okay, we're
going to have a good week.
Speaker 4 (21:30):
Girl.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
We are.
Speaker 3 (21:30):
We are.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
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Speaker 1 (22:01):
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Speaker 2 (22:12):
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Speaker 2 (22:32):
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Speaker 1 (22:37):
Thanks for listening to Breast Cancer Stories. If you're facing
a breast cancer diagnosis and you want to tell your
story on the podcast, send an email to Hello Attheaccess
dot io. I'm Eva Shay, your host and executive producer.
Production support for the show comes from Mary Ellen Clarkson,
and our engineer is Daniel Kruser. Breast Cancer Stories is
(22:59):
a production of.
Speaker 4 (23:00):
The Axis t H E A x I S dot
I O
Speaker 3 (23:19):
He
This is a story about what happens when you have
breast cancer, told in real time.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
So Hi, Hi, Kristin, how are you titda?
Speaker 3 (00:20):
I'm okay today. It was a very challenging week, not
good at all.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Yeah, can you talk to me a little bit about that.
I hate to bring it back to you.
Speaker 3 (00:31):
But no, it's okay. This past Monday was my second
time having the sort of triple four hour infusion.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Right where you get all the stuff.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Yeah, And I was good the same day, and I
was good the next day, but after that it was downhill.
Like today is probably the first day that I'm just
really up. Yesterday maybe a little bit. I ate for
the first time yesterday. I didn't eat Wednesday or Thursday.
I couldn't hold anything down.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Okay, And that's completely different from what's happened before.
Speaker 3 (01:05):
Yeah, the first one it had me out one day,
you know, and it was like I didn't have enough hydration.
I understood, you know, I didn't manage like taking something
for the constipation and stuff like that. So you know,
I've gotten better. So it's been really really really really manageable.
But this past week was it was horrible. It was
(01:27):
every symptom I could possibly imagine. I was getting my
hair did fall out, which was fine, but then I
had a major headache I had. It wasn't even nausea.
I was completely regurgitating and couldn't sleep and my joints
were achy. What hell is? What didn't happen? Yeah? It was?
It was bad.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
I'm so sorry. So to recap a little bit for
the audience is that each chemo is not the same
for tita. Do you want to talk a little bit
about that? So you have several rounds.
Speaker 3 (02:00):
So I have chemo pretty much every week on a
Monday since October thirtieth, but on October thirtieth, in this
past November twentieth and December eleventh, I will have triple chemo.
I will have like two or three types of chemo.
(02:20):
So those days the infusion goes for like three three hours.
And for some reason, this go round was just debilitating.
Never been this sick before, and so you know, the
good thing is that I haven't been this sick before,
you know, right, Yeah, that's a good thing about it.
(02:42):
But I am going to talk to my doctor about
it because I can't tell what's actually really going on,
but what it feels like it feels like it's too much.
If I had to say, like, it just feels like
it's my body is saying it's too much. That's the
word I feel. That's what it's feeling like to me,
(03:03):
because no matter what I did, anti nausea, tons of hydration,
taking the shots my giving. Now I'm giving myself the
shots that I'm taking the zorio. I give myself that
three times a week.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
Can you repeat that? What was it called.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
It's called zario zar xio and it's it is an
immune booster, so it keeps you from getting infections and
things like that. So I'm doing that myself instead of
going there three times a week. Because you don't take
blood and the needle is souls, then you barely even
feel it. So yeah, so this week was very troubling
(03:40):
and it's making me a little anxious about December eleventh
when I have to do this again. So I just
got to talk to my doctor about what could have
gone wrong. On the good side. Oh yeah, but if
you have some questions to ask, I'll let you do
your questions though, because there's some good stuff on too.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
Oh there's some really good stuff.
Speaker 3 (03:58):
Yell.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
So I'm so excited about that. You and I were
texting on Monday and your labs were so good and
you're like, I feel strong as a horse like these,
you know, the immune system is really working, Like I
feel so great and I was so relieved. So what's
really interesting? So people listening may or may not have
heard this from their oncologist. I heard it from my oncologist,
(04:21):
and it wasn't true. I heard that the first chemo,
the way that you managed the first chemo is pretty
much what your chemo is going to look like, which
for you, the first one was all the things, all
the drugs, right. I was sick one day, right, And
then you had two weeks where it was I say,
I have my air quotes, just tax all and so
(04:43):
there's just the one drug on those other weeks. And
so then you have this week where you got all
of them again, right, And it was not the same
as the first one. So no, no, with this one
having all the things, it could be unfortunately, the typical
chemo experience. And here's what I will say that I
(05:05):
learned from Natasha was that she was kind of toughing
it out and not getting hydration, and the people in
the eer she went to the er finally, and the
people in the er said, don't tough it out. There
are things we can do to help you feel better.
And so I really want you and you know this,
but I really am reemphasizing that, and also the people
(05:27):
out in podcast world like, don't you don't have to
tough it out. And so what a week first of all, yeah, yeah,
and then you kept your hair real short anyhow, and
we talked about, you know, how you were feeling like
there might be sun that it was coming out. And
then like the next day, I see this beautiful bald
picture come through my phone and you're one of the
(05:49):
most beautiful bald women I've ever seen. Thank you, and
you look really healthy. Can you talk a little bit
about losing your hair, like what was that process like?
And then I think you said your barber was going
to get the privilege of shaping Well he was, but
he's you know, in a whole nother state for Thanksgiving
and one of my best friends was going to go
with me and she was gonna shave hers down to.
Speaker 3 (06:09):
A buzz as well. However, it was coming out just
you know, there was like patches and I was like,
I can't do this. I'm way too vain for that.
So okay, so I just took my clippers and just
shaved it off and yeah, and took the picture and
it is what it is. And you know, honestly, two
(06:31):
of my best friends have bal heads. I mean they
just wear a ball period, two black women, and so
I would be wearing it outside ball. But the problem
is is that it's getting a little bit chilly. And
I'm already the type of person, even with a short haircut,
you know, when it's chilly out, my head's the first
thing to get cold. So now of course it's just worse.
(06:52):
But it wasn't devastating or anything for me. It was
like it felt procedural. It was like, okay, the procedure
now what we have spots? Yes exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
Did you get that feeling where it felt like your
head was tingling? Did you get that at all? I
think so it's the weirdest thing.
Speaker 3 (07:12):
Yeah, I think I did. And I think it was
even feeling a little sore.
Speaker 2 (07:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (07:17):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
It's the process behind all of it, I guess, is
or the medical piece behind it is that the chemo
attacks the fast growing cells in your body because that's
what cancer cells are, and so that's why from your
digestive system from lips to the end get thrashed because
those are fast generating, as well as your hair follicles
(07:39):
and your skin follicles. And so if you think about it,
your skin cells up there are not feeling great because
they're regenerating, and then your hair follicles right at the
same time, mine just felt like I had the tightest
ponytail I'd ever had.
Speaker 3 (07:56):
Yeah, I did feel tight. It was a tightness.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
Yeah, it's something you can then explained.
Speaker 3 (08:00):
Right, that's the best way to put it. Yeah, so
welcome to that.
Speaker 2 (08:05):
I've now been bald club. I have to put some
bald pictures next to each other. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (08:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
And so those of you who've been listening for a while,
Natasha did the cold capping and I have that too.
You do have that too, okay, And that did actually
provide relief. Oh good, good, okay good. The other thing
that happened this week, I know this was the first holiday,
the first Thanksgiving without your mom, right, Yeah.
Speaker 3 (08:35):
You know. The thing for this because of my mother
being all the way on the East coast and then
you know she was at one point I was in Maryland,
she was in Boston. We didn't really spend Thanksgivings together
very much. So I think that I didn't miss that
part of it with her. I just missed like getting
(08:56):
a card or hearing her tell me Happy Thanksgiving and
stuff like that. Her physical presence, yeah, just her voice
or a card or something. So, but I was so
sick on Thanksgiving Day that just yeah, honestly, I wouldn't
have wanted her to even hear me that sick. It
(09:16):
would have it would have made it really depressed.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
Oh yeah, can you remind me? Do you see your
oncologist or your doctor each week?
Speaker 3 (09:27):
Yep, she's there every time. Yes.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
Oh great, So you'll get to have that conversation with
her in a couple of days about what can we
do to feel better?
Speaker 3 (09:34):
Yes? Yeah, I'm gonna just kind of say, I don't
know what happened, but yeah, I don't know. It just
felt like it was too much, Like it was just
kind of like, can't we just do the regular week
kind of stuff? Isn't that going to be enough? Because
there's no lump anymore.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
The lump is gone, Like, yes, help me, tell me,
tell me, tell me, tell me.
Speaker 3 (09:56):
So I on Monday morning. I mean pretty much almost
all the time, I would give myself a breast exam
at least every other day, and Monday I did the
same thing, and I was like, okay, where is it.
So I'm pressing down and I still can't feel anything,
and I was just like, oh, wow, this is where
it is. I know that for sure, I'll never forget
(10:17):
that in my life of where where the lump was.
And so when my doctor came to do her rounds,
I told her I said I can't feel lump there anymore.
She was like, okay, let me do a breast exam
as soon as you finish your treatment. So I did
and laying down and next thing you know, she's giving
me the breast exam and she's feeling all over and
(10:39):
I'm sort of saying to myself, well, I know she's
going to feel the lump because she's a doctor, so
of course she'll find something that I don't write. And
then she looked at me and she said I can't
find it, and I said I know, and I said
here's where it was, and she was just like, oh
my god, there's like nothing there, and I said I know.
So we talked about when I'll probably have another biopsy
(11:03):
and another MRI and ultrasound, and she said, you know, yeah,
let's we're going to get to that point where we're
going to do that again and then you know, you
talk to your surgeon and we talk about next steps.
So nice. I was just like the fact that it
was gone was just like so beautiful.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
So can you remind us to like were in the
breast it was your left.
Speaker 3 (11:27):
My left breast, my left breast.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
And whereabouts it is it?
Speaker 3 (11:31):
I would say like at the top, like at if
you were looking at my breast, it would be like
at one o'clock, Okay, that's where it was. And it
was like the size of a quarter.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
Okay, that's not small, and you couldn't feel it. And
then she couldn't feel it yep. Yeah, and the look
on her face was everything. And you know, I'm optimistic,
but I still know. I'm like, you know, cancer is
creepy and it's weird and it can kind of do
what it wants to do in a heart beatnak, but
(12:04):
I do. I'm going to just allow this moment of
celebration for that small thing and we'll see what happens.
But I you know, I feel very optimistic. But I've
just been telling everyone that I talk to. If you're
not doing for women, if you're not doing a breast exam,
you're doing yourself a disservice. There's no reason why every
(12:25):
time when you get in the shower, literally you are
not doing some sort of breasts. I mean, you have
to wash yourself anyway, So just feel around. Especially if
you're told that you have dense tissue, then you probably
need to do it even more so. Yeah, and now
for those people out in podcast world, I found my
(12:47):
own before Natasha and I started and decided to record,
I didn't know she had found her own.
Speaker 3 (12:54):
I found my own worth three for three girls.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
Yeah, and so spread the news that you gotta you
just have to. And it's not cliche. It's like brush
on your teeth. It's that important. And with Natasha, hers
went away, I mean hers was gone too. When they
went in to do a lumpectomy, they sent the pathology
(13:17):
back there were no cancer cells whatsoever.
Speaker 3 (13:20):
That's amazing, So.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
I want you to know that's completely possible.
Speaker 3 (13:23):
Yeah, that's awesome.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
She did the lumpectomy anyhow, and there where they took
the cells where they you know, where they had seen
it and there was there was not a cancer cell
to be found.
Speaker 3 (13:33):
I've been thinking a lot about it that I probably
want to do the double mess ectomy.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
Right, yeah, can you talk to me about that element. Well, honestly,
I just don't want to have the probability of going
through this again. And it's not I'm not that attached.
Speaker 3 (13:52):
To them, right, Yeah, it's really you know, I mean,
you know, in my sixties, it's not and I'm not that.
As a matter of fact, I think the lesser amount
is better on me. It's just sexier. I can wear
my shirts the way I want. I can, you know,
if I want, I'll get tattoos there and do something
really creative. But I don't want to have to go
(14:14):
through this again with these breasts. Nah.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
Yeah, Okay, So on Monday, you have the air quotes again,
easy chemo, and you'll have the conversation with your doctor
about what's coming next. So you feel like this week
has been the biggest physical challenge and you feel emotionally
without a doubt too.
Speaker 3 (14:36):
Yeah. Yeah, it's definitely emotionally draining. I think that when
you're going through it and you're that you're feeling that sick.
You don't really feel much emotion. You just you just
want to figure out should I lay in bed, should
I sit up? Should I get more water? Should I
(14:56):
drink more tea? Or as a matter of fact, I couldn't
even I couldn't hold anything down. It was just what
should I do to feel better? I couldn't do anything
to figure out how to make it go away. And
it was, you know, forty eight hours, so it sucked. Yeah.
So my dog just laid with me, like he didn't
(15:18):
even really want to go out. It's just been amazing,
like he just wanted to stay by my side.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Yeah, tell us her dog's name, Toby, Toby so sweet.
Speaker 3 (15:30):
Yeah, he's amazing.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
I wanted to also ask you how your hands and
feet are doing.
Speaker 3 (15:36):
They're doing fine. Actually, you know, from what I realized
with neuropathy is that usually you're sensitive to cold, and
actually a cold has been making me feel better.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
Yes, are you finding yourself able to walk a little
bit and move around?
Speaker 3 (15:52):
And oh yeah, I do. I make myself do it honestly,
like and Toby likes to play as well, So as
much as I can, I take in the courtyard and
just kick the ball to him, but he keeps looking
at me like you can't really get it, can you?
Like you know?
Speaker 2 (16:07):
Like you he knows, you know.
Speaker 3 (16:09):
So I try in the house to play with him
with his little toys and do all of that, so
his energy keeps me active.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Yeah, that's great, I would believe that. So is it
safe to say I'm just looking at the date? Is
it safe to say, or like date wise about halfway through? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (16:28):
Oh yeah, I was halfway through this past Monday.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
Yes, that's great. What have you learned about yourself in this?
Speaker 3 (16:39):
Yeah, that's a really good question. I don't know. I
guess that in the spiritual sense of it, you know,
maybe somewhat religious, that overall, I'm really not given more
than I can handle. I do believe that, and I
do believe that there is a higher We don't go
(17:02):
through things just for not it's to pass on information.
It's to maybe be a part of a larger mission
for people to not have cancer anymore. Maybe it is
to be a part of something larger, to inform about
the medical dichotomy for black women and lots of others,
(17:24):
you know. So I'm just looking at the bigger picture
and not just making it about what's going on with me,
but always talking about Now. What I haven't done yet
is I haven't gone on social media and said, you know,
this is what I have. I wanted it to be
a little bit more private. If somebody found out that,
that's fine, and if I wanted to tell somebody, but
(17:45):
I didn't want to make it a social media spectacle
because I have people on Facebook and Instagram that I
barely know, and this is just too personal for me
to share with people in that manner. Now, maybe after
I will, I will talk about it, but right now, Nah.
Speaker 2 (18:05):
It's interesting you say that because even I were doing
the podcast from January eleventh forward, and we didn't launch
the podcast until I want to say it was end
of August, beginning of September. I think I was going
to radiation in August when I finally put something on
(18:26):
there about it. And it was because for the same reasons.
It felt like, first of all, I couldn't take anybody's judgment,
and it was also that was in my brain. It
was all in my brain. All I got was love,
but I didn't know what it was going to look like,
and I didn't want a lot of questions and then
(18:46):
when I got really deep in it, I wasn't sure
I was going to make it, and I just didn't
know if I could handle any of that. The other thing, too,
is I have probably like you, I have former students,
and the last thing you want to do is worry
those people who love you.
Speaker 3 (19:02):
Yeah, and I'm a former professor as well, with tons
of students that I'm very close to.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
And yeah, I just didn't want that. Plus I didn't
know what I didn't know, and I didn't.
Speaker 3 (19:12):
Yeah you know what, you remember I think I said
to you that. Also, it started becoming with one or
two people where I found myself managing their emotions and
I was like, I can't do that, Like I can't
manage what you're feeling right now, right. So I didn't
want to.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
Have that through social media either, because yeah, some of
it isn't real, right, Yeah. Absolutely, So this next week,
I really want no sickness. I want no biopsies. Okay,
all right, that works for me.
Speaker 3 (19:48):
Yeah, no sickness, no biopsies, no tingle's, no nausea. Yeah,
there you go.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
You know what I'm looking forward to finding out too.
And I know that your doctors and I know the year.
You'll dig into it too, is you know, the differences
between African American women and their treatment and the cancers.
And because we all know that based on different ethnicities,
different cultural not even I won't want to say cultural,
it's not that's not the right way to say it.
(20:17):
It's just it's different, different ethnicities. Yeah, that's it, based
on your genes. You know, there really are different factors
that show up.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
You introduced me to somebody, Ricky Farley. Was it you
that was telling me about her? No, it was another
woman in the support group. Okay, so black woman. Her
name is Ricky Farley f A I R L E. Y.
And she was a triple negative and she I reached
out to her and next thing, you know, like she
reached out, all I did was said, hey, I was
a triple negative too. She is being very proactive with
(20:50):
making sure that black women are part of clinical trials
because we were extremely isolated. We were very isolated from
clinical trials. And how can you actually really diagnose this
disease in its fullness and its totality if you don't
have black women as part of your clinical trials. So
(21:12):
that's literally what she has been doing. So I've been
really active in just getting out there and talking to
people and being a part of So if I can
be a part of clinical trials, you know, I'm definitely
going to do it as well.
Speaker 2 (21:24):
Yep, I love that. I love that. So Okay, we're
going to have a good week.
Speaker 4 (21:30):
Girl.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
We are.
Speaker 3 (21:30):
We are.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
Thank you for listening to Breast Cancer Stories. To continue
telling this story and helping others, we need your help.
All podcasts require resources, and we have a team of
people who produce it. There's costs involved and it takes time.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
If you believe in what we're doing and have the
means to support the show, you can make a one
time donation or you can set up a recurrent donation
in any amount through the PayPal link on our website
at Breast Cancer Stories podcast dot com.
Speaker 1 (22:01):
Slash done to get the key takeaways from each episode,
links to anything we've talked about in promo codes or
giveaways from our partners, sign up for our email newsletter.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
They'll get notes and thoughts from me related to each episode,
and links to the most useful resources for all the
breast cancer things. So if you have chemo brain, you'll
be able to just go read your email and find
anything we talked about on the podcast without having to
remember it.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
The link to sign up is in your show notes
and on the newsletter page at Breast Cancer Stories podcast
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Speaker 2 (22:32):
We promise not to annoy you with too many emails.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
Thanks for listening to Breast Cancer Stories. If you're facing
a breast cancer diagnosis and you want to tell your
story on the podcast, send an email to Hello Attheaccess
dot io. I'm Eva Shay, your host and executive producer.
Production support for the show comes from Mary Ellen Clarkson,
and our engineer is Daniel Kruser. Breast Cancer Stories is
(22:59):
a production of.
Speaker 4 (23:00):
The Axis t H E A x I S dot
I O
Speaker 3 (23:19):
He
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