Healing Financially and Emotionally from Narcissistic Abuse with Skye Bellarmine

Jamie M. Lima and Skye Bellarmine delve into the complexities of dealing with narcissism during divorce, sharing Skye's personal experiences and insights. They discuss recognizing signs of narcissistic abuse and its financial repercussions, highlighting the importance of financial understanding and planning for empowerment. The episode addresses overcoming fears and mastering financial basics, especially amid the challenges posed by the pandemic. Therapeutic writing and self-rediscovery post-divorce are explored, as well as strategies to identify and avoid toxic relationships. Emphasis is placed on continuous healing and the significance of support systems, concluding with helpful resources for listeners.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Welcome back to another episode of broke up notbroken.

(00:02):
I'm your host, Jamie Lima and founder ofAllegiant Divorce Solutions, where we help
people prepare for, navigate, and recoverfinancially from divorce.
This podcast is your one stop shop formastering your life and your finances
throughout the entire divorce process.
Today's guest is Skye Bellarmine, author,coach, keynote speaker, and survivor in every

(00:23):
sense of the word.
After surviving a catastrophic collision with awrong way driver that left her in a coma, Skye
was told she would never walk or use her armagain, but she defied every prognosis.
While recovering physically, she was alsotrapped in a twenty year emotionally abusive
marriage marked by narcissistic control,gaslighting, and trauma bonding.

(00:44):
Skye ultimately broke free from that marriage,rebuilt her identity, and has made it her
life's mission to help other women recognizethe signs of narcissistic abuse, navigate high
conflict divorces, and walk the hard road backto self worth, stability, and freedom.
Through her breaking solace trilogy andtransformational coaching, Skye teaches women
how to reclaim their power, build a supportivetribe, and create a fulfilling life after toxic

(01:07):
love.
This is a conversation about grit, growth, andgetting back up.
So grab a cup of coffee or your beverage ofchoice, buckle up, and let's once again get you
personally and financially empowered.
Skye, it is so great to have you with us heretoday.
Thank you, Jamie.
So glad to be here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I I, I think we have a lot in common.
In some in some aspects, we went through somepretty challenging divorces, and and the people

(01:32):
that that we left were definitely challengingthemselves.
But where I we were kinda talking about this onthe on the lead up to our our conversation here
today.
There are a lot of really bad n words outthere, and none of which I will say opposed to
this one.
But, you know, the the word narcissist is isthrown around a lot these days.
And I hear a lot.

(01:52):
I know judges Attorneys hear it a lot and soon.
And it makes them cringe.
It makes me cringe.
So we've got to be very careful about usingthat word.
Right?
And you have a ton of experience in this space.
Oh, absolutely, Jamie.
Yeah.
The the narcissism word gets thrown around socasually.
And, you know, if somebody just glances atthemselves in a mirror walking by, oh, they're
a narcissist.
Well, no.
No.

(02:12):
No.
No.
No.
It's a lot deeper than that.
And I was actually married for twenty years toa very malignant narcissist and even was given
a book by a friend called Stop WalkingEggshells.
And there's a questionnaire in the beginning ofit.
You take a little quiz to see if you are in arelationship with one.
Like psych psych psychologists come in and say,hey.

(02:33):
These are the traits.
These are the red flags, and my ex fit all 30boxes, like, total textbook.
And what I mean, I see myself as fairlyintelligent.
Why I didn't see it?
I get blamed for everything.
You get yelled at every day.
You you feel like you're worth nothing.
You're never enough.

(02:53):
And now the gaslighting, all that was going on.
And I don't I just figured that was normalmarriage.
No.
No.
It's not.
No.
It's not.
So So
the the challenge is that so many people somany people are are in these marriages, and
some of them don't even realize that they're inthem till many years down the road or, you

(03:14):
know, sometimes even decades passed.
Right?
So what are some of the signs that maybe yousaw or signs that you see, you know, in in some
of the people that you work with that peopleneed to be on the lookout for?
A lot of it comes in emotional abuse, likejudge being overly condescending and judgmental

(03:34):
and correcting.
I hear a lot of correcting between spouses, andsomebody will be telling a story.
And they'll mention, well, that happened on aWednesday.
And then, no.
No.
No.
No, honey.
That was Tuesday.
Like, that's not a pivotal point in what thisperson is trying to tell the group.
You know?
And so a lot of criticism, you begin to doubtyour self worth.

(03:56):
Your esteem starts dropping.
Depression sets in, and you just well, it'slike the movie Gaslight.
I don't know if you saw the movie Gaslightwhere that term was coined.
1944, Ingrid Bergman was was being gaslightedand manipulated by a very narcissistic type
husband, and there's one day and they they gettheir flying monkeys.

(04:19):
So if if there's people around them thatthey're using to make you doubt yourself.
And so and that was my case.
He was lying to friends about me and andtelling you know, spreading rumors and that
kind of thing that weren't true at all.
So in the movie, she decides to get dressed upand go for a walk, the the main character.
And she gets to the door and and the the housemanager comes to her and said she said, what

(04:43):
are you doing?
I'm gonna go for a walk is what Inglebergersays.
And she says, oh, no.
No.
No, miss.
You might get lost.
And her self esteem is so low at that point.
She says, yeah.
You're right.
She turns around and goes back inside.
And you get to that point.
You really get to that point where you're noteven sure where you're going half the time.
And they and they keep telling you they drivepeople out of your life.

(05:07):
My ex drove my brother out of my life, and he'shas since passed away.
I got to see him one more time.
But, I mean, they do that because they wannaisolate you.
And I always thought you know, I thought mybrother was mad at me, and and my my ex would
say, no.
No.
No.
You know, you probably is, but you've got me.
You know, like, they wanna isolate you and getyou all to themselves.
So that's one thing.

(05:28):
They say people start leaving your life, andyou find out later that it was your ex driving
them out.
The rages, you don't need raising voices doesnot have to happen to have a conversation and
and resolve some type of conflict.
And so but the rages, they will just startyelling at you for no reason, So that's another

(05:48):
sign.
And after I was still stuck in the house withhim two weeks after I filed, and I said, you
know, you haven't yelled at me in two weeks.
And he said, well, I finally figured out that'snot the way to handle you.
Yeah.
Like, I need a handler.
Anyway but, I mean so the the the escalatedvoices, the driving people, just people kinda
leaving your life and you don't really knowwhy.

(06:09):
The the just making you doubt yourself,questioning every decision you make.
So there's all these different signs.
And, yes, I look back on it now, Jamie.
Those signs were there when I first met him.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I just went with it for two decades.
And then, like I said, when he was out of town,my friend started telling me everything.
By the time he got back, I already found alawyer.

(06:31):
I'd started building that tribe that I that Ihelped women build, you know, a trusted friend,
a a family member you can have as a confidant,a therapist, your legal team, your your
attorney, your forensic accountant.
I had already started building that team, Andthen it took twenty one months to divorce him
because he fought me the whole way because theythey see you as an extension of themselves.

(06:56):
Like, you're you're they're the puppeteer.
You're the puppet.
They push your buttons.
And, like, one day he was raging at me.
I forget why.
That time walks into the other room, comes backlater and says, oh, Skye, I bought your
favorite coffee.
Would you like a cup?
And I said, no.
I'm good.
I love coffee, but I was like, I was stillreeling from just being yelled at over nothing,

(07:20):
basically.
So that's kind of a long answer to to yourquestion, but there are very, very specific
signs that are just textbook indicators.
What about on the financial side of things?
Right?
Because we talked about it.
We've already talked about the emotional andthe kind of the wranglings that go along with
dealing with people like this.
Like, so what about the financial aspects?
Well, what I I call it the what I call when Iwhen I coach and teach, I call it the four f's.

(07:45):
Okay?
So fear and finances are why many and I I knowwe're not it's it happens to both genders, but
but the reason women typically stay in thesetoxic marriages is fear in finances.
You know, they really just don't think they canmake it on their own, and that leads to
continued frustration.
And you're with this abuser, and you just feelyou you fear you can't get out.

(08:09):
So I really helped them figure out a financialplan as you do and and an emotional plan
because you've got to set boundaries and allthat.
But my ex actually and I told you this storyearlier, but I'll share it with the audience.
He tried to get his attorney fired for losingthe divorce.

(08:29):
Okay?
His attorney has a restraining order againsthim.
That tells you something.
And secondly, because he makes he will makemore money than I did just on a in a daily job
as a profession or personal trainer.
He's a financial adviser.
He actually emailed his forensic accountant,which you're not supposed to do because that

(08:50):
can become evidence in court and depositions,whatever legal event you're you're involved in.
And he did.
And he told his forensic accountant, first ofall, that Sky deserved nothing.
After twenty years of putting up with himanyway, Sky deserves nothing.
And secondly, he told the forensic accountant,the expert, which discount rate to use in the

(09:13):
financial projected calculations.
And so he had to read his emails back.
My attorney was questioning him during hisdeposition.
It And was during the pandemic, so it was allvirtual.
We're all on Zoom.
He had to read it to all of us what he had toldhis forensic accountant to do.
And, you know, that he just took control, andhe he wanted me to basically live under a

(09:34):
bridge probably.
And I I will tell you one day I was drivinghome from work and there in near nearby, I came
off the interstate and this bridge was a verylong haired blonde just standing there.
And I really cried a little.
You know, I'm like, that's probably what heenvisioned.
And I will tell you that's not what happened.
Because like I said, he tried to get hisattorney fired for losing.

(09:55):
So but, you know, it they just want to controlyou, and they want to control the finances.
And and I'll tell you this, every month and Imay I have this scene.
The scenes in Breaking Solace are very I can'tmake this stuff up.
And people like, did he really do that?
Yeah.
Every month, we'd have, you know, a discussionabout the credit card bills and all that.

(10:17):
And you'd always say, okay.
Okay, Skye.
I know.
It's okay.
I'll move some money.
I'll move some money.
I'm like, I'm thinking, what did I I didn't buyanything big.
I don't so then we get into the divorce and myattorney we had the Met database where you can
see each other's transactions.
So my attorney said log in to that thing andsee where the cash is going because we still

(10:40):
had a joint account because it was during thedivorce.
And, oh my god, he spent $7,000 in one summeron clothes and fragrances.
Mhmm.
Is is it was the was the involvement of theforensic accountant simply because he's a
financial planner and you thought there wasgonna be some funny business going on, which I
I could
have Yeah.
Probably were the angle.
Right?

(11:00):
Yeah.
Yeah.
They still yeah.
They were they were on the lookout for where myex could have, like, hidden money or whatever.
And he he fought the whole even joint accounts,he would say, oh, like investment accounts.
He say, no.
No.
No.
I really meant to just put that in my name.
Why didn't you?
It's been joint for, you know, whatever, tenyears.

(11:23):
So, I mean, there's there was a bunch of backand forth.
And finally, what what my my attorney wastelling me is that the narcissist in these
negotiations has to feel that they won abattle.
Like, you know, there's the war going on.
It was like I said, twenty one months back andforth, back and forth, back and forth.

(11:45):
And so the bad the final battle that I gave himwas was tax related, you know, just to have a
little upper hand on some of the tax.
We because we had another couple of joint taxfilings that we would have to do.
And so then he they signed.
He signed.
Once I agreed to to that, he signed.

(12:05):
But I know.
I wish I'd known that on day one.
But, anyway, it was it was it was to me, Jamie,what was so puzzling was changing his mind.
Like, they're they're they act like they'reall, like, tough and and the smartest.
He always said he was the smartest person inthe room and nobody understand them.

(12:26):
And his performance evaluations would alwayssay he's inflexible and always has to have his
way and, you know, never listens to others andall that kind of stuff, which is totally true.
And so but he always said, I'm just thesmartest person there, and nobody understands
that.
And so I have I have Blake, the thenarcissistic character in my book trilogy,
always saying that same kind of thing.

(12:48):
You know?
Like, they just don't get me at, you know, atwork.
And so Tally, the main character, she listenslike I did just to keep listening.
But they want to make everybody think thatthey're so that they have prowess.
They have finesse, and they know the most aboutanything that they're doing.
And so and that includes the finances.
So
Yeah.

(13:08):
It was a it was definitely a roller coasterride.
What what and so let's let's stick with thatfor a second.
So, like, walk me through how you were able togo from, like, this financial I don't know.
Like, maybe, like, a sense of maybe a sense ofunworthiness or or I don't even I don't know if
that's the right word, but I'm sure there arelot of women, and I say this, you know, and

(13:29):
then some probably some men that might be outthere that little that are listening that are
like, wow.
Like, I'm I'm dealing with this exact samething.
I feel like I've been beaten down.
I don't like, I can barely get myself out ofbed in the morning.
And then Right.
Getting yourself through that entire experiencebecause I've been there.
I mean, like, it's like, I had, like, healthissues that cropped up in my own situation just

(13:50):
because of the the sheer stress that isassociated with the divorce.
So how do you go from, like, that unworthyframe of mind to, like, now financially
capable?
Well, first of all, like I said, making sureyou can't walk this road alone.
And it it it takes friends and family and faithand and therapy and all that to kinda get your

(14:11):
tribe.
You need some people around you, first of all.
And one awesome I mean, so many awesome piecesof advice from my attorney, but one one piece
was don't ever have a financial conversationwith him.
Like so while I was stuck in the house for sixmonths, like, before I could get my finances

(14:31):
together to get out and lease rent somethingtemporarily, you know, so to get out of there.
And so, you know, he'd say, okay.
We let's talk.
We know the finances.
And I said, no.
I can't.
My attorney said not to.
He said, I won't tell.
I said, well, no.
I'm not talking.
So first of all, set boundaries.
You know, then get your boundaries.
Don't have financial conversations with them.

(14:53):
And another thing is learn as much about youryour marital financial condition as you
possibly can.
I cannot emphasize that enough.
And that's why I had Tally, who's an interiordesigner in my book, suddenly take an interest
in the finances because that's what I did.
So suddenly, I said, well, yeah, let's you'vebeen wanting to talk about investments and all

(15:18):
that.
Let's do that.
So I got and I found I got the passwords to allthe accounts during this conversation.
I got the bottom line of what our marital assetbase was so that I would know percentage wise,
you know, what I might be entitled to along theway.
And so I cannot emphasize that enough to maketo try to understand because I know I have

(15:42):
friends who didn't even have to fill out theydidn't even fill out the statement of position
or the statement of income and expenses in thebeginning, like what you're estimating your
household is worth and all that kind of stuff.
They didn't know.
They knew nothing about the finances, and theywere the ones being the petitioner and filing
for divorce.
And I'm like, no, you gotta learn.
You gotta try to figure it out.
Even if you don't have a financial acumen atall, just try to get some numbers.

(16:07):
You know, be interested.
Be interested.
Try to find some information.
And then, like I said, having a team togetherto help you walk walk the path and really hold
your cards close to your vest.
You know, we don't like, remember when I wasstill stuck in the house, we were working

(16:27):
outside, whoever, and he said, so you knowpersonal trainers that that that's their income
and they they exit.
They're fine.
They live.
I said, mhmm.
Well, let me get their names.
I said, no.
No.
But you can be a personal trainer and be justfine in life.
And, you know, I just had to learn to kindawhat what I call or what's called in in the
industry of narcissistic abuse studies andresearch is gray rocking, where you can it's

(16:52):
saying something without saying anything.
Okay?
So I could start talking and say, you know,we're talking about, I don't know, professions
or or the dining room furniture or whatever.
And just kind of get you know, carry on theconversation, but don't give anything that can
ever come back at you.

(17:12):
Get don't give them any ammunition that theycould bring up in court or in mitigation or
deposition or anything like that.
So that's really that's an excellent advice.
And just stand by your why.
I had to I had to learn to stand by my why.
And that's something that I coach people on iswhy what's your why?
And whether it I I do goal goal achievementtalks too.

(17:35):
I'm for keynotes like in workshops.
So whatever you're trying to do, you know, ifit's if it's redesigning a room or divorcing a
narcissist or writing a book or whatever you'redoing, that goal or career move, what are your
20 reasons why?
Why are you doing this?
And I sat down and did that, Jamie, probablyabout four months into this divorce process.

(17:58):
And I sent that to my attorney.
I kept a file for myself just to rememberbecause it's gonna be hard.
This the road divorce can be very difficult.
Hostile.
It can be very traumatic, and especially whenthere's a narcissist involved.
And with them trying to control the financesand all that, I mean, he even took his paycheck
out of our joint account when I was out of thecountry helping a friend.

(18:21):
I mean, yeah.
So, I mean, they'll do things like that.
So and again, on the phone with my attorney,like, okay.
Let's fix this.
And so communication, I cannot emphasize theimportance of communication.
And my attorney at times will say, in thebeginning, just sit tight.
And I was like, but I have 10 questions.

(18:41):
And so it became like Friday would roll up, andI've been working all week.
And then I'd have time to think, okay.
What's he gonna do next?
It's a chess it's like a chess game.
What's he done?
What's he gonna do next?
How am I going to not react but respond?
And I have a whole list of questions.
And I knew my attorney.
Sometime we'll be working the weekends, but I'dalways let you a call and say, hey.

(19:02):
Here's the questions I have.
You know what I mean?
He called them my sunny Sunday calls.
So Monday morning, in his in his voice mailbox,he'd have all my questions, and then we'd work
through them that week.
But communication, having your tribe aroundyou, understanding at least at some level what
your financial situation looks like are verykey.

(19:23):
Yeah.
I mean, last point, I I wanna drive that homesimply because I've been a financial planner
for twenty years now and, you know, it almostcreeping up on twenty one.
Wow.
I can tell you I can tell you that one of thethings that I I one of the biggest challenge in
in the work that we do in traditional wealthmanagement, retirement planning, investment
management setups, not the divorce piece, buton, like, the traditional work we do in that

(19:47):
space Mhmm.
There's usually one person driving thatconversation.
And let's just face it, it's usually the dude.
Mhmm.
And I've so many times, I'm like, why is yourwife not here?
Like and we even started instituting a a rulewhere it's like, if you're not gonna at least
participate at least one time per year in theseconversations jointly so we can all get on the

(20:09):
same page with your financial situation, we'renot gonna take you on as a client.
Wow.
Because you have you
have to be involved.
So if you're listening and you've heard me saythis, I mean, this is now the second season.
We're on episode, like, 85 or 90, right, atthis point.
Right?
I've probably said this 25 times.
If you're listening to this right now and hearwhat Skye has to say and hear what I have to

(20:32):
say, if you're in the doing that because you'redoing yourself and your family a disservice.
And, I mean, I I I'm so happy that you broughtthat up because it's incredibly important for
people to be involved.
Yeah.
I don't know why it happens.
People like to bury their head in the sand, andmaybe they get nervous and they just it's just
their own money's worth that they have to dealwith and whatever.
But sometimes, you gotta get over it because itcould come back to haunt you.

(20:55):
Well, yeah.
And and people just get a little and maybe Idon't know if there's a fear factor or
something in there when you bring up finances.
Some people just kinda get like a deer in theheadlights look.
And, really, it's it's dollars and cents, youknow, and and there's different you know, just
kinda put together a grid or a major I put aspreadsheet together on what accounts do you

(21:18):
have jointly, what do you have individually,What are the other assets that are involved in
in the marriage?
Is there houses, cars, boats, whatever?
And just kinda put together a spreadsheet onwhat you yeah.
What's what's there?
What what can be divided?
You know?
What can be divided?
And and at least have it there.

(21:40):
You don't have to understand derivatives or,you know, Bitcoin or whatever.
You don't have to understand it.
You just have to get some information.
Get some data.
Something that you have so that you youyourself in your head have a feel just what I
wanted that bottom line number.
So that whenever the negotiations were goingon, I knew what that bottom right hand corner

(22:06):
sale was gonna look like in that.
And whether whoever got whatever percentage,you know, that it was gonna come down to that
total.
And so that was that was a big piece for mejust to understand what had been accumulated
during that twenty year time.
Yeah.
So and then and, yeah, again, and it was my mycollege roommate called because we had some

(22:29):
friends from college that were going through areally nasty divorce at the time.
And and she called me.
It was right after I'd filed.
And she's I said, well, how are they doing?
Talking about our friends.
And, well, it's this, and this, and this.
I just can't believe anybody would file fordivorce during a pandemic.
And I said, let me step outside.
And I told her what was going on, and she waslike, oh my god.

(22:51):
And then you know what, Jamie?
It's been interesting because family, friends,I run into neighbors.
You know, I see I saw an old neighbor at thegrocery store the other day, and there, the
signs were there.
People were seeing signs that something was notright with my ex.
But nobody wants to step into that space ofyour marriage and say anything.

(23:12):
You know, even even relatives are like, yeah.
We knew something wasn't right, but we justfigured you'd figure it out.
Oh, well, My after my car wreck, my really goodfriend, my orthopedic surgeon, I called him,
and we were just talking.
And and he he said, well, I always knew he wascontrolling you, but I just thought you were
handling it.

(23:33):
I know, like, I was trying to handle it, but itjust got it went on for so long that I really
didn't know which way was up.
Yeah.
So until some people really stepped into mylife and said, hey.
Hey.
You're different when you're not around them.
What's going on?
So
You know, I I get it.
It's it's I I've had the same experience too.
You know?
It's like, I know, wish you would have told mewhen I was in it because maybe I would have

(23:54):
opened my eyes to some of these things, but,know, soon as I know.
Dust settles on the divorce, everybody's like,oh, I knew like, oh, I should have told you
that ten years ago.
I'm like, wait.
What?
What?
Yeah.
Know.
But
so I wanna I wanna I wanna talk a little bitabout the, you know we've talked about the
divorce process and things to deal with duringit.
And now that, know so let's talk a little bitabout the the healing component of this.
Right?
And one of the things I picked up as I wasdoing some research leading into our call today

(24:18):
is that you said recovery is 90% what you dowith what happens to you.
Mhmm.
How do you maybe maybe maybe touch on that alittle bit, but one of the things where where
that's that comment is stemming from is thatI'm like, how do you get yourself through this
experience and and you've recover you're now inthis, you know, the phase of recovery?

(24:39):
How do you get yourself keep yourself fromgetting sucked back in, you know, in in future
relationships?
Well, yeah, that can that can happen.
Yeah.
So life is 10% what happens to you and 90% whatyou do with it.
And and, Jamie, that really that whole ideakind of was born of my car wreck.
Like, was hit by a wrong way driver.
This other driver was outrunning police on thewrong way on the interstate and I swerved.

(25:04):
I tried to get out of the way and I couldn't.
And so she nailed me coma, twelve surgeries torebuild me and this was the arm they said I'd
never use again and yes, can stand up and walkand all that.
It took six years and 12 surgeries for me torecover from all that.
And during that time, I just started thinking,people are like, oh, are you gonna drive again?
Well, yeah.

(25:24):
I mean, I gotta go to work and stuff.
It's like, you know, you can't let what happensto you define you, to limit you.
And so what you try to figure out what you cando with it.
What what am I get how can I help somebody elsethrough my experiences?
And so I don't want anybody to continue toexist in any type of toxicity, any type and and

(25:49):
and all narcissistic relationships are toxic,but not all toxic relationships are
narcissistic.
Okay?
There are there's a spectrum of toxicity there.
And I just wanna help them.
That's why I started writing the BreakingSolace trilogy.
Like, during the divorce, I started writingthat.
And so Breaking Solace is where Tally, the maincharacter, starts seeing these behaviors that

(26:13):
Blake's exhibiting and what what she goes to atherapist as she starts trying to figure things
out.
And then escaping is actually when she get it'splans her escape route, you know, and gets
through the divorce and all that.
And then the third book is entitled withoutsolace, and that is a paradox.
Their last name is solace.
So she will be having peace.
And one thing that I had to learn, like, rightafter I filed so and when and finished the

(26:38):
divorce twenty one months later, my mind was,other than work, pretty much, was on that.
I wake up thinking about the divorce.
I go to bed thinking about, what's he gonna donext?
What's he gonna do next?
That pit of the stomach.
That oh, gosh.
That yeah.
I'm so glad it was gone.
But but I but people I said, well, what do Ido?
Like, what what and people said, did you usedto like to do?

(26:59):
Because I gave up all my past times for twentyyears because I had to do what he wanted to do.
And so so I did.
You know?
You just end up going with the flow because youdon't wanna make them mad.
And so I thought, wait a minute.
I used to play golf.
Oh my gosh.
I used to play golf.
I love golf.
I even had a I had a he was gonna play golfwith me when we first got married.

(27:21):
I had a a set of clubs made for him.
Yeah.
They sat in the garage.
Anyway, I get I couldn't watch golf on TVbecause he wanted to watch something else.
So I started playing golf again.
And so I'm not great, but the women's PJ is notgonna call me any time soon.
But I'm back out on the course, Jamie.
I joined a club.

(27:41):
Love it.
And so what else do you like to do?
You know, I started so you you have to rememberyour past.
Part of the healing process is remembering yourpast times.
I like I used to play piano.
So I thought, well, let's do that.
So there's there's a Steinway downstairs in myliving room now.
You know, it's like, what do I what did I giveup?
You ask yourself, what did you give up to keepthe peace?

(28:06):
And then start bringing those activities backinto your life.
And, yes, you you go with dating apps and allthat kind of stuff.
You might end up dating some controlling peopleagain.
Yeah.
I I experienced that a little bit becauseyou're an intelligent empath, and that's what
they feed on.

(28:27):
A narcissist wants an intelligent empathbecause they have no empathy, and they want
somebody that has the characteristics that theywould love to have, but they never will.
And so that was that.
And so friends around me said, don't go downthat road again.
I'm like, okay.
Okay.
So no.
But I will tell you, I've met somebody amazing,really sweet, not controlling, and I'm happy.

(28:53):
And people will come up to me, Jamie, they'llsend me in the grocery store.
Oh my god.
Scott, you're just like glowing.
You're like happier than I've ever seen you.
What is going on?
I said, well, I divorced.
I met somebody new.
I'm playing golf again.
I have my job that I love.
I'm doing some teaching and speaking andwriting and life, you know, not to be cliche.

(29:15):
Life life is good.
Life is good.
But but I will tell you this.
It's it's still up and down a little bitbecause there are triggers.
You know, there are things somebody sayssomething or ask about the x or whatever and,
you know, there are things that kind of makeyou remember and then you're thinking, but then
right after that, you don't go dark like youwere when you're in the relationship.

(29:40):
You think, but that was then and this is now.
And so the the healing process continues, andit's just I wanna help people realize that
they're they may be in a tunnel, and it mayseem really dark in this this toxic
relationship, but there is there is a light.
There is a light.
And like I said, keeping the friends and thefamily and the faith and and having people

(30:04):
around you to walk with you.
Because I'm one of those people that whenthings are going down, I I'm one of those
people that just kinda retreat, you know, offthe grid a little bit and try to figure it out.
But I had to learn during that process that Ican't do I couldn't do that alone.
So I had to have people around me.
And that that also launches the healing processbecause you are around people who actually care

(30:31):
about you, who are not wearing a mask, who arenot just having one little playbook of certain
things that they say and do all the time thatbecomes very predictable with the narcissist
over time anyway.
But but you have people that truly care aboutyou, and that is vitally important for the
healing process.
100%.
Well, Skye, thank you so much for joining metoday and and sharing all this incredible

(30:54):
insight.
I mean, there's a lot of people that are outthere that certainly need to to learn from
your, what I think is like raw honesty and, youknow, that kind of that unshakable grit and
strength that you you've had.
So I appreciate you sharing that with us.
Your that the journey from, you know, trauma totriumph, you know, really, really offers

(31:15):
listeners, I think, an incredible amount ofhope.
So to learn more about Skye's work, coaching,and breaking solace trilogy listeners, we're
gonna link to her website, all of her books andsocial platforms and whatnot, all in our show
notes.
So don't worry.
You don't have to worry about jotting thatinformation down.
We'll make sure it's in the in the notes foryou.
If you're facing a financially complex oremotionally challenging divorce yourself, and

(31:37):
we can certainly help you on the financial sideof things, reach out to us at Allegiant Divorce
Solutions, and we can help you provide a andrebuild yourself with a clear, confident
future.
Visit us at allegiantds.com.
Be sure to just subscribe to Broke Up NotBroken for more real stories just like this,
practical tools, and emotional guidance.
Until next time.