April 2, 2025 • 32 mins
Jamie M. Lima and Josh Tomioni discuss the importance of understanding gender differences in seeking divorce help and emphasize the need to build a strong divorce support team. They explore strategies to avoid financial mistakes by collaborating with planners and highlight the significance of self-care and mental health during the process. The conversation delves into using vision boards for financial reinvention and offers insights on reinventing life post-divorce.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome back to another episode of broke up notbroken.
(00:02):
I'm your host, Jamie Lima and founder ofAllegiant Divorce Solutions, where we help
people prepare for, navigate, and recoverfinancially from divorce.
This podcast is your one stop shop formastering your life and your finances
throughout the entire divorce process.
In today's episode, we have the pleasure ofspeaking with Josh Tomioni, a seasoned
financial planner just like myself, world classcoach, and the charismatic host of the derelict
(00:25):
podcast.
As someone who embraces the complexities ofsuccess and failure, Josh provides a platform
for men to discuss their strugglesauthentically and openly.
Today, we're gonna dive into how facing failurehead on can lead to substantial personal and
financial growth, especially in the wake of adivorce.
So grab a cup of coffee or your beverage ofchoice, buckle up, and let's once again get you
(00:48):
financially and personally empowered.
Hey, Josh.
It's so great to have you here today, man.
Jamie, thanks for having me, man.
That intro, I don't know if I can live up toit.
I'll do my best, though.
It's fantastic.
I'm sure you're gonna be this is gonna beawesome.
I I as our listeners know, I talk to peoplefrom all walks of life on this show.
We've we've had some mental healthprofessionals.
We've had, you know, some financialprofessionals like ourselves, accountants, and
(01:12):
tax people.
We've had some attorneys on here.
But, you know, as a financial planner myself,and and I know you're a CFP as well, you know,
I have a special place in my heart for folkslike you, especially people that have gone
through a divorce and have have some someexperience with this with this line of work as
you do.
So I'm I'm super happy to have you here, man.
Thank you so I mean, we're united.
Right?
Finance guys, been through a divorce, trying tohelp guys go go through it themselves.
(01:35):
Absolutely.
Yeah, man.
And then that's that's we were kinda talkingabout and I'm glad you just mentioned that
here.
Like, Right?
Like, so many of our listeners, so many of ourparticipants in our Facebook groups and, you
know, the webinars and seminars that we do, alot of the clients, 95% of the people that we
work with, not by choice, but just by default,have been women and are women that are
(01:59):
participating and getting all the help.
So I'd love to hear your thoughts on you know,as a dude just like myself who has gone through
divorce, mine was incredibly challenging andvery expensive.
I don't know.
We haven't talked about what your experiencewas like, but I'd love to hear some of your
thoughts about men going through a divorce andmaybe, like, why they don't ask for help, maybe
(02:22):
why they should be asking for help, and andjust I just wanna let you have the floor here,
man.
I appreciate that.
Yeah.
It's been my experience as well.
You know, I I've I'm I don't have the samedesignations as you do, but I've worked with
several divorcing women, specifically even inmy financial career as well.
And it's always been women.
I again, I don't know why.
That I've I don't think I've ever worked withone divorcing male ever until I started my
(02:45):
coaching company, and now I work with a bunchof guys.
But, you know, I found the same thing on socialmedia with anything that I post, with my own
podcast, etcetera.
The whole thing is geared around focusing onmen.
And yet, I still sometimes get more femaleviewers, more female commenters, more and I and
(03:06):
I think that there's you know, maybe we shouldjust start with what is societally acceptable.
Right?
So I don't know about your experience.
My experience has been if a woman needs helpand she goes to therapy or she gets coaching or
something else, generally speaking, societysays, good for you.
You deserve it.
(03:26):
You should do it.
That's awesome.
Congratulations.
Right?
It's usually, I think, met with a lot ofoptimism versus if a man does that, from my
experience, usually, the response is, what thehell is wrong with you?
So let's just start with that.
Yeah.
You're weak.
You know,
you're weak.
You can't Man up.
Bro, man up.
(03:47):
Yeah.
You can't do it yourself?
Why not?
So maybe just starting with that, you know, I Idon't I don't wanna go into a long history
lesson of why that is because I don't even knownecessarily.
Yeah.
But I think that that's part of it.
I think that there is this idea, at least youknow, I'll speak from my own experience.
I grew up very much in a household that is justfigure it out.
Right?
(04:08):
Get back up on the horse.
Get back you know, pull yourself up by yourbootstraps is what I used to hear from my
grandpa all the time.
If you fall, just pick yourself back up.
Don't deal with it.
A lot of that stoic attitude of you're notreally supposed to feel emotions.
You're not really supposed to go through theemotional process.
You're a man.
(04:28):
Just deal with it.
And, frankly, it's all over social media.
It's all over the media.
You know, I I feel like as men in societytoday, we kinda have two options.
Right?
We we can go kinda the the Homer Simpson routeor any TV show route where we're just a
goofball, and people just laugh at us becausewe're a man, especially as a dad.
You know, I'm a dad.
(04:48):
It's just you're either the goofball dad thatno one really takes seriously.
I'm like, okay, dad, you know, etcetera.
Or you're the other guy that's, like, the totaljerk, right, that everyone's just trying to
avoid because he doesn't know how to controlhis emotions, he just flies off the handle all
the time.
We don't get a lot of examples, at least fromwhat I see, about somebody who's actually
processing their emotions, going throughthings, dealing with them real time.
(05:11):
At least that's been my experience.
Yeah.
So I think maybe that's part of it.
I think that a lot of guys and I'll speak formyself.
So when I went through my divorce, I didn'thire a coach and I didn't have a certified
divorce specialist like yourself helping withmy finances.
I didn't do either one of
those.
Mhmm.
I did the typical tried to go through mediationfirst.
(05:31):
Wife at the time didn't want to.
She wanted to use attorneys.
So then I decided to hire an attorney and thenI just kinda thought the attorney was gonna be
the end all be all.
And frankly, they weren't and they made a lotof mistakes.
And I had a great attorney that I spentmultiple 6 figures on.
And still, there was mistake after mistakeafter mistake after mistake.
(05:52):
And we'll probably talk about this later, but Iwrote an ebook earlier this year to talk to the
men of the five biggest traps avoid when goingthrough a divorce and how to avoid them.
And trap number two, which is one of the mostimportant ones, is trusting the wrong team.
And in that chapter, I specifically talk aboutthe fact that just hiring an attorney when
(06:12):
going through a process like this is a hugemistake.
Could cost you $6.07, 8 figures depending onwhat your net worth looks like.
Yeah.
It's you're what you're talking about is iseverything I talk about too.
And if you've had a chance to to listen to anyof the the previous shows or you you follow us
on social media, We talk about team you all thetime, creating team you.
(06:34):
And it's so good to hear somebody else who hasbeen in my shoes and in in the same shoes as
other people that are that are listening andand and have reached out to get the help is
that you also concur with doing the same thing.
I mean, I'm a big I'm a and I'm I am not thedude that you described earlier where it's like
where I poo poo and look down on people thatget the mental health support that they need
(06:56):
and get the the family support they need andthe fur the the you know, just surround
themselves with loved ones.
I'm not that guy.
I didn't do that, which was my the biggestmistake in my own divorce.
You know, I didn't create team you, which isnow I'm realizing looking back, like, that was
one of the bigger mistakes I made.
And I just try to make sure that, you know, getthat message out there that so nobody else
steps in the same landline, so to speak, that Idid.
(07:16):
And I'm I'm super appreciative that you'veshared that because it's good to hear from
other people that have been down the same paththat they they had to agree with it.
Yeah.
Absolutely, brother.
Absolutely.
It's really important.
And and, you know, to your point as well, theremight be some guys listening or watching this
right now that are thinking, well, I'm goodwith that.
You know, I'm okay with people getting help andthat sort of thing, but then they don't do it
(07:37):
themselves.
And they're like, oh, well, you know, I can Ican do it?
Like, I had a little bit of a unique situationjust being a financial planner going through
it.
I didn't feel like I needed to hire anotherfinancial planner to help me with it.
However, that being said, I've hired financialplanners in the past even as a financial
planner because there's just something even ifit's your expertise and your what you do for a
(07:57):
living, there's still something about havingsomebody else's set of eyes on things that's
really, really helpful.
It's the same thing with a coach.
You would think, well, I coach people all daylong.
I don't need a coach.
That's not true.
Yeah.
I have a coach.
I have multiple coaches because I wanna makesure that my coaching continues to increase as
their coaching continues to increase.
Right?
(08:18):
So let's talk a little bit about that.
Maybe we'll just address that chapter here realquick.
Yeah.
Let's talk about it.
So I would say probably the two most commonpeople on the team that I see missed, and this
is for all your viewers.
They already know that you do financialplanning.
But, seriously, reach out to Jamie because thefinancial piece is huge.
(08:40):
Here's one of the main reasons why.
Get ready for this.
If you're an attorney listening, I apologize,but it's true.
Attorneys suck at numbers.
I'll repeat that.
Attorneys suck at numbers, and that's okay.
You don't want them to be good at numbers.
That's not their job.
Their job is to help you get as much time withyour kids as possible if that's your goal, make
(09:02):
sure that things are equitably divided, makesure that contention goes down as much as
possible, and make sure that you get throughthis horrific process of your divorce.
Attorneys are very, very needed.
I work with attorneys all the time.
Huge fan.
And they suck at numbers.
So do not expect an attorney to give you theright numbers as far as your finances, as far
as your alimony, as far as your child support,even as far as dividing up your assets.
(09:26):
Because trying for them to try to calculatethings like how much money should you get from
a retirement account that hasn't been paidtaxes on, etcetera, their minds just explode.
If you ask them to look at your tax return andyou're a self employed business owner, their
minds explode, and they don't understand.
Even though you're making zero money on yourtax returns, but you're living a million dollar
(09:46):
lifestyle, They don't know how that works.
They also don't know how to separate it andthen how much money to give your ex spouse.
So be really, really careful with that.
Hire somebody like Jamie.
Number two, like you said, team you.
Extremely important.
I see a lot of people going to therapists,which I did.
I had a therapist at the time.
Huge fan.
Also talk about therapists in the book.
(10:08):
However, there's a big difference here.
A lot of people sometimes wonder, what is thedifference between a therapist and a coach?
So I'll help explain that for a moment.
A therapist's primary job is to help you dealwith your childhood trauma, whatever trauma you
have brought into your adult life, whateverthat is, if you haven't moved past it, you
(10:32):
haven't grieved it, you haven't healed it,that's what a therapist is for.
Huge fan of therapists, had a therapist foryears, etcetera.
What a therapist's job isn't, and a really goodtherapist will tell you this, a therapist's job
is not to coach you into the future.
That's not their job.
Their job is to help you review the past toremove that from your future.
(10:55):
Their job is not to help coach you into thefuture.
Let's go back to the situation of going througha divorce.
Again, a therapist is going be very helpfuldealing with maybe how do you deal with your ex
spouse through this, especially if it'scontentious.
Dealing with the filters that are popping upfor you that you're having a hard time dealing
with moving forward with this.
(11:15):
Huge fan of that.
What they're not gonna be able to help you withis how do they coach you moving forward into
what does the next stage of your life looklike.
For everybody going through divorce, it endswith you two point o.
A therapist is not qualified, experienced, oreducated in order to help coach you into you
(11:36):
two point o.
That's what a coach is for.
Specifically, though, I would say and this isnot to toot my own horn.
It there's plenty of us out there.
But, specifically, find somebody who's beendivorced.
That would just make sense.
Right?
Like, somebody that's been through acontentious, difficult divorce to help coach
you through a contentious, difficult divorce.
It's it's kind of like trying to explain toyour friend that has kids or doesn't have kids,
(11:58):
excuse me, what having kids is like.
You're like, I have a dog.
I understand.
Really?
No.
You don't.
You have a dog.
I have three children.
That is not the same thing.
And you're not gonna understand it until youhave three children.
Then you'll understand it.
Then you'll come back to me and be like, oh,man.
I was way off.
It all makes sense now.
Yeah.
Same thing with a coach.
Right?
Like, what are gonna trust somebody who hasn'teven been through the process themselves?
(12:18):
Yeah.
Well, I and I I think you you brought up somany good points, that I, you know, I could go
back to.
But one of them is earlier you were talkingabout, like, even as a financial professional
getting the help that you need and and youwished you would have had that financial help.
Right?
It's like the whole, you know, the the thelandscaper with the, you know, the the worst
lawn on the block.
(12:39):
You don't wanna be that guy.
Right?
So if you're if you're a man and you're outthere in this world, you're in the world of
finance or accounting or you maybe you're anyou're an attorney or what have you.
You maybe it it would make sense to reach outto someone like myself and get some coaching
from from somebody like Josh to be able to helpyou navigate this.
And I don't know, man.
I think it's
And part of part of it can I just say somethingreal quick?
(13:00):
Part of the reason for that too is that ifyou're going through a divorce or you've been
through a divorce, this is gonna be a no duhstatement, what I'm about to say.
If you haven't been through it yet and maybeyou're about to go through it, this might not
be a no duh statement for you.
From my experience, everyone I've ever talkedto that goes through a divorce, their mind and
soul and spirit is so consumed with the processthat you literally can't think straight because
(13:27):
your entire body is either in flight or freezepretty much the entire time you're going
through the process.
So in that situation, your mind literallycannot think correctly.
So because of that, even if it is yourexpertise, having another set of eyes on it,
and I'm not I'm not being dramatic here, cansave you $6.07, 8 figures.
(13:51):
Yeah.
In money, it can save you having way more timewith your kids.
I I lost a good amount of time with my kidsbecause of some dumb mistakes that I made at
the beginning, and then I then had to rectifyand pay 6 figures to get back.
I lost a good amount of money even though I'm afinancial guy Yeah.
Just having to deal with this stuff because Ididn't have a coach going through it.
(14:12):
So I made all the mistakes, so you don't haveto.
I mean Yeah.
You too, Jamie.
Right?
Yeah.
Exactly.
And and I don't I don't know anything aboutyour financial situation.
We did not talk about it before ourconversation here today, but I'm gonna venture
to guess you, just like myself, don't makeLeBron James kind of money.
Yeah.
Right?
Yep.
So, like, why are money.
I'm very blessed.
I'm very grateful for what I do, but Idefinitely am not, you know, Taylor Swift or
(14:34):
LeBron James.
Yeah.
So why are dudes like us paying 60, 70?
I I think I'm probably creeping up on a hundredthousand dollars in my own divorce.
Right?
It might it's well well beyond you know, pastme, thankfully.
But even just in the last couple of years wherewe've had to look at, like, alimony was gonna
end, and we need to recalculate child support.
Now I own a business.
So, oh, you must be hiding money because youthat's what business people do.
(14:57):
Like, we were back in the court system againfor another $20,000.
It's just a gigantic waste of money.
So, like, I I I I'm picking up what you'reputting down with everything you say, man.
I hope our listeners do.
One of the things that I keep thinking about asyou're you're kinda walking me through your
mindset around this and the work that you doand and and some of the comments that you made
is, like, this concept of resiliency.
(15:18):
Right?
Like, this and I know you've been through somestuff, right, through your own divorce.
You've already told us about that.
So, like, if it what if I'm one of your clientsand I'm and or and you're speaking to me and
I'm in the throes of my divorce and I'm feelingall of the things that you just mentioned.
Right?
Like, because I was there too.
Like, I had adrenal fatigue.
I had all like, I had some health issuescropping up that I I was able to thankfully,
(15:40):
you know, overcome and and really just, youknow, get beyond and not let them really
dramatically impact my health, thankfully, butit can do some damage to you.
So, like, how do you handle all of that?
If if I'm coming to you and I'm in the throesof it, like, what, like, what do you like, how
do we work together?
What is what are the some of the things you'regonna, like, exercise you're gonna take me
(16:00):
through?
Whatever what do I need to do?
And what are some things that practicallypeople can do that are listening that, you
know, might be in the throes of it could coulduse?
I I appreciate you asking that because so goingback to the ebook, trap number three, actually,
it's almost like you're prompting me for this.
And by the way, for all the listeners, shehasn't read the book either, just so you know.
(16:20):
But literally number three is tossing self careaside because it's something that's extremely
easy to do in that process, physical health,mental health, emotional health.
And as guys specifically, this, I think, isreally, really important, especially in the
world we live in.
Because I don't know about you, but every timeI get on any sort of social media outlet,
probably eighty twenty rule, 80% of the guysare talking about something physical.
(16:43):
Mhmm.
Get to the gym, get bigger muscles, get a sixpack.
Everything's gonna be fine as long as you'rephysically okay, which is just not true.
Now can a lot of the mental stuff start withthat?
Sure.
It can.
So one of the things that we do talk about iswe do talk about the physical, but this is not
to get jacked.
This is not to have a body to make your exjealous, which, you know, I've been there
(17:06):
before.
I get what that's like.
So but that's not the reason.
The reason why is so that you can free upmental capacity.
That's why exercise and keeping health is soimportant during this process.
So one of the some of the things we talk aboutis just diet.
We talk about health.
We talk about sleeping.
We talk about eating.
We talk about just getting your body moving,physiology.
(17:29):
But most of it, honestly, is mental just likeit is in anything else.
Anyone that's listening that's ever doneanything harder or any or started a business or
done anything like that, you know that it's 80%up here.
Right?
You mentioned LeBron James earlier.
LeBron James wins up here.
He doesn't win even though he hasn't, you know,a body made for basketball, and he works that
(17:49):
out as much as he can.
And he has amazing amount of talent, and heworks his butt off.
Right?
He's still winning the game up here.
Yeah.
As they used to say, you know, of Kobe.
Right?
Mamba mentality.
Right?
Michael Jordan.
Anyone.
Any any sports guy that you wanna use.
Tom Brady, whoever.
So we work on that a lot.
During a divorce, though, it's really hard, atleast it was for me and the guys that I work
(18:12):
with, to somehow feel like the most confidentguy in the world.
Right?
Like, you're going through this terribleprocess.
You're having this person that maybe,especially if it's contentious, is really
difficult.
How are you supposed to feel that way?
So what we spend a lot of time on is it's gonnamaybe sound a little cliche, but just visioning
(18:33):
future.
Visioning what two point o looks like.
So the very first thing, practically, foreverybody listening, watching, here's what I
would encourage you to do, especially if you'regoing through this.
And by the way, this is not just if you'regoing through a divorce.
If you're going through any sort ofrelationship transition or you just went
through one or you're going through a jobchange, if you're at any part where you're
like, I'm feeling a little insecure, maybe lessconfident right now, here's the very first
(18:56):
thing that I would recommend you do.
And it's very, very simple.
Get your good yourself in a good state.
How do you get yourself in a good state?
Usually, your body.
Has to be a part of it.
So that doesn't necessarily mean that you haveto lift heavy weights.
It could be a walk.
It could be jumping up and down.
It could be dancing.
It could be, you know, open up a fun YouTubechannel, whatever, listening to fun music.
There's a lot of different ways to move yourbody to change your physiology.
(19:18):
Yeah.
Feel free to reach out to me if you want somespecific ways.
I'll give you my information in a second.
So moving your body is key.
In order for our brains to remember things, wehave to add movement in order to remember them.
Let me give you a perfect example for this toprove my point for anybody that's like, yeah.
That's not true.
(19:39):
When have you ever gone to a businessconference or any sort of conference, sat there
for hours, didn't remember crap afterwards?
Or even if you took real great notes, how longwas it until you didn't do what was in those
notes?
A day?
Two days?
Three days?
A week?
Part of the reason why and part of so one of myyou know, the goat as far as anyone is ever
(20:03):
concerned for me, have a huge man crush on him,is Tony Robbins.
And one of the things that he's really bigabout is moving your body physiology during his
conferences, which I go to all the time becausethey're amazing.
And science shows that if you are trying tolearn something and you're trying to change the
neural pathways in your brain, you also have tomove your body while you're thinking these
(20:23):
things in order to get there.
So here's a very simple exercise.
Move your body.
Get yourself in a good state.
Don't lie to yourself that you're in a goodstate.
Get yourself into a good state.
When you're in that prime key state, sit down,get out a piece of paper, and write me two
point o at the top.
And just write what you want your life to looklike.
(20:46):
There's a couple keys to this.
One, don't shame yourself.
This is not an exercise to say, oh, my lifesucks right now.
I wish it could be like this.
No.
There's nothing about this.
This is just a dreaming exercise.
Pretend like you are my youngest child isseven.
Pretend like you're seven.
And pretend like this is a creative, oh mygoodness.
(21:06):
There's unicorns and Santa and everything elsesort of an exercise.
K?
Just dream, and just write down what all thatlooks like.
Include your ideal partner, your ideal futuremate if you ever want one again.
You might not want one right now.
You might be feeling negative about that, butjust let it let it be.
Right?
Maybe you have a crush on an actress.
(21:27):
Fine.
Write her information down there.
Start manifesting that.
I have one.
I'm I'm not gonna tell you.
Maybe I'll tell you later, I've manifestingthat for a couple years now.
We'll see if it ever happens.
If it does, I'll let you know.
Write that down.
Write it.
This is not just about money.
This is, like, how I wanna feel, what I want mylife to be like, what my purpose is, what my
mission is.
And don't go through, like, those boringbusiness exercises where you go through a
(21:51):
business plan.
That's not what I'm talking about.
I'm just saying a blank piece of paper, spewout your vision for your life.
And, frankly, if you do that and you look atthat every single day, you're going through a
divorce or you're going through a hard time.
If you did that for three months, how do youthink you're gonna feel after that last three
months?
It's the vision board scenario.
(22:12):
Right?
I mean, that's why people make vision boards.
Absolutely.
We you we go through the same experience andand exercise and not not related to divorce,
but in similar fashion with with the financialplanning clients we work with.
I know you do this.
Right?
Like, that's that's part of the CFP process asa certified financial planner.
Very one of the very first things you have todo with your clients is just know the client,
right, and get understanding what your goalsand objectives are.
(22:34):
So I love this, man.
I think it's a I'm a big I'm a big plan plannerby nature.
Right?
Like, I mean, I have business plan, and I Ihave goals that I set for myself every year,
and and you have to keep reminding yourself ofthat.
And that's another reason why I have a stand updesk.
I I stand up from 07:00 in the morning tillfive or 06:00 in the evening when when work is
over, and that's because I feel like I absorbinformation much better than if I were just
(22:59):
sitting down.
Right?
So it's like, I I'm I'm a big fan of thisstuff, man.
I'm glad so glad you brought this up.
Yeah.
And, you know, I think it's, again, justspeaking of the people that have been
surrounded by me for a long time is that as asa guy and as a business owner, we all know this
stuff already intrinsically just as far as ourbusiness goes.
Right?
Like, we have to vision.
We have to do all this.
But what where I see there being a big lack iswhat about me two point o?
(23:23):
We're we're not talking about business here.
We're not talking about money.
We're not talking about success.
We're not talking about what you want for yourbusiness or what car you want or what boat you
want.
None of that stuff.
We're just talking about what's your ideallife.
Yeah.
And I don't think a lot of people spend timewith that.
Frankly, I haven't before the last few years.
Yeah.
It wasn't ever really it was more about, like,well, what business do I want?
(23:45):
What do I want for my kids?
What do I want for the car?
What you know, all that sort of stuff.
But it wasn't like, well, what's my ideal life,though?
What does that look like?
How do I give back to humanity the best?
What what's my real mission in life?
And a divorce, oh, man.
Even though it is so brutal, brother, as youknow, it's such an amazing opportunity for you
to look at that.
(24:06):
And because you get to reinvent yourself.
Just like you just said, I mean, we've beentalking about it for the last couple minutes.
I mean, you this is an opportunity for you toreally have the life and live the life that you
really wanted.
Right?
And what and we, we handle all all thefinancial aspects of divorce, and there's a lot
we could talk, you know, for another half anhour on the this impacts the finance,
financials.
(24:27):
But, I mean, if you can get your head right andyou get that vision, you're gonna make better
financial decisions when it comes time to putpen to paper and sign on the dotted line on
that divorce decree or marital settlementagreement, whatever your state calls it.
But, again, another missed exercise that Ididn't go through during my own divorce.
(24:47):
And and that's the the whole point of thisconversation, which I'm so thankful you're
bringing this stuff up is, like, these arelandmines that people step in all the time, and
I and I'm, you know, we've gotta help themavoid.
Absolutely.
This is the, what I would call the I alwayscall the cart blanch segment of our of our show
as we're getting ready to wrap up here.
But I know you have the ebook.
So talk a little bit more about the ebook.
(25:08):
And then if there's anything else that youknow, any other questions or anything I should
have asked that I didn't ask that you'd like toshare with our listeners, I'd love to hear from
you.
Sure.
Yeah.
So the other thing that I mentioned to youearlier as well that I'll mention to all the
listeners is I do also wanna offer all yourlisteners something just because you had me on
the podcast today.
So my ebook is on Amazon.
Feel free to look up my name and go go find itthere right now.
(25:29):
Or if you want, find me on Instagram.
I'm the derelict podcast.
Maybe Jamie can add it to the show notes.
Mhmm.
But just go on Instagram, the derelict podcast,and DM me the word Allegiant, as in Allegiant
Divorce Solutions.
Just DM me the word Allegiant, and I will knowthat you want the ebook, and I'll send it to
you for free.
So, again, it's the five traps men face whengoing through a divorce and how to triumph over
(25:53):
them.
I think it's gonna be really helpful for you.
So, again, DM me on Instagram, the derelictpodcast, the word allegiant, and I'll send it
to you.
But as we wrap up, let me skip ahead to numberfive, which I think this makes three of the
five we've talked about today.
Right?
So, again, DM me if you want the other two.
Number five is your your relationships afteryou continue to move forward with the the
(26:18):
divorce.
So tanking relationships past divorce is numberfive.
They're all t's.
Mhmm.
This one's tanking relationships.
The number one thing when I wrote this ebook, Iwent out to many many many many people and
interviewed them all the same thing.
I basically sent out a survey to a bunch ofpeople on my list that went through a divorce
that I've known either as friends, as peoplethat I've coached, as just business partners,
(26:42):
you know, across the board.
I asked them all what the top things that theywish they could redo from their divorce.
Ironically enough, it was pretty much the samethat I was already thinking of writing the
book.
It's amazing how similar this is no matter whatyour divorce looks like.
But I will say that number five was the biggestone that I heard from all of them, and that was
(27:05):
I dated too soon.
Every single person, I dated too soon.
They dated a day after, I dated too soon.
They dated six months, they waited six months,I dated too soon.
They waited two years, I dated too soon.
Same answer.
Didn't matter how long they waited.
Everyone gave me the same answer.
Why?
So we're not gonna talk about timing herebecause there is no magic number.
Don't ask me for a magic number.
(27:26):
There's all these theories online.
Even if you type it in AI, they probably giveyou a theory, like, half the time that you're
with your partner or at least a year or sixmonths past every full moon or something.
You know?
There's all all these weird things.
There is no number.
Here's what I'd say, though.
The reason every single one of them told me thesame thing, which is true for my life as well,
(27:48):
of too soon is because they started datingbefore they actually went through the grieving
process themselves and before they actuallyhealed themselves.
So when they went out to find somebody else,they put some of that healing process on that
(28:09):
person.
If you've ever been in a relationship whereyou've put part of your healing process on
someone else, tell me that it worked becauseI've never heard that before.
If you put your healing process on anyone elsebesides yourself, it will not work.
I promise you.
I promise you.
It's one of the tenets of any healing groupthat you could be a part of.
(28:29):
You have to do it yourself between yourself,your higher power, your universe, your god,
whatever you call it.
It has to be there and here.
That's it.
It cannot be because of somebody else.
Somebody else cannot heal for you.
So my words of encouragement would be thatyou're not gonna be single forever, and it's
okay to take time now.
(28:49):
And if you don't, like I didn't, again, failureagain.
Mhmm.
Like I didn't, it will be only harder the nexttime around.
I promise you that.
Because I had a couple of long termrelationships after my marriage so far at this
point in my journey.
Both of them probably didn't heal as much as Ishould have, and it was brutal afterwards.
(29:11):
I remember hearing this before I got divorced.
I was a part of this divorce group, andeveryone in the group said the same thing.
They said the relationship that they wentthrough after their divorce was harder when
they broke up than their actual divorce.
And these are people that had the mostcontentious divorces I've ever heard of that
made mine look like simple divorce.
(29:33):
And I always thought in my head, that doesn'tmake any sense.
How is that even possible?
And then I went through it, and I was like, oh,it makes sense.
Because now I'm a little bit healed.
I found somebody that probably fits me better,and then that relationship ends?
Oh, man.
There's aspects of that that are even brutalthan my marriage that I knew was bad in a lot
of ways ending.
(29:55):
So my encouragement to you is you're not gonnabe single forever.
Take some time.
It's amazing what you can do in six months, ayear, two years to work on yourself and become
that two point o.
And, also, here's the other thing.
Here's the selfish reason for it.
If you become ideal two point o yourself, guesswho you're gonna attract?
(30:16):
It's gonna be the person that's attracted totwo point o, which is the person that you wanna
attract.
If you're going out there without healingyourself, you're gonna attract a lot of the
same stuff.
And I say you because I did the same thing.
So that would be my biggest encouragement forpeople going through a process like that is
it's okay to pause and wait.
You don't have to be, like, a % perfect whenyou start dating again.
(30:39):
Don't hear this the wrong way.
But just get to a point where others see it inyou.
Maybe you have a coach working with you throughthis.
And there's other things you can do withoutdating.
You can go have conversations with people,especially somebody that's been in a marriage a
long time and maybe don't even know how to dateagain.
That was my experience.
Just go start talking to people.
Talk to people at the coffee shop, etcetera.
But you don't have to do it in order to jumpinto another long term relationship that might
(31:03):
just be even more brutal than the last one yougot out of.
Man, that is some powerful that is a powerfulmessage right there.
I did not wait.
You know, thankfully, things have worked out sofar, but I I I see this happen all the time.
Right?
Like, people jump into other relationships, thenext thing you know, that one fails, and they
then it's, oh, woe is me, and what's wrong withme?
(31:23):
And and it's really just that you just need totake a beat and figure some things out.
And and I'm so glad that, man, that you sharedall this with us today.
I know we're already coming up on time.
We could keep going for another half an hour,but I'm not gonna take up all your day, and I
wanna make sure it will be brief and be gonefor our listeners.
But I I really appreciate this, man.
This has been very, very powerful, and and I'llmake sure that, anybody that's listening today,
(31:45):
you know, of course, you know, follow, Josh'sinstructions regarding his, Instagram.
You know, DM him and, you know, it wasAllegiant.
Right?
You want that word to DM you Allegiant to getthe copy
of it?
It's in Instagram is the derelict podcast, andjust DM me the word Allegiant, and I'll send
you the ebook.
Amazing.
We're gonna put all the links and everything inthe show notes so everybody will have them so
they can get in touch with you.
(32:06):
I really, really appreciate your time, man.
And for our listeners who wanna con connectwith Josh and explore the Derelict podcast,
head over to his other social media platforms.
We'll make sure we again, we'll put all thelinks in the show notes and give him a follow.
And if you're navigating your own financial orpersonal challenges, remember that Allegiant
Divorce Solutions, we're here to help and offeryou as much support as we possibly can.
(32:26):
You can visit us at allegiantds.com.
Book a complimentary and confidentialconversation with us to help you get the
support that you need.
Don't forget to subscribe to our podcast.
Follow us on show all the socials and whatnotto get more updates on our upcoming shows and
and other announcements.
But, until next time, thank you for tuning in,and we'll talk to you again soon.
Welcome back to another episode of broke up notbroken.
(00:02):
I'm your host, Jamie Lima and founder ofAllegiant Divorce Solutions, where we help
people prepare for, navigate, and recoverfinancially from divorce.
This podcast is your one stop shop formastering your life and your finances
throughout the entire divorce process.
In today's episode, we have the pleasure ofspeaking with Josh Tomioni, a seasoned
financial planner just like myself, world classcoach, and the charismatic host of the derelict
(00:25):
podcast.
As someone who embraces the complexities ofsuccess and failure, Josh provides a platform
for men to discuss their strugglesauthentically and openly.
Today, we're gonna dive into how facing failurehead on can lead to substantial personal and
financial growth, especially in the wake of adivorce.
So grab a cup of coffee or your beverage ofchoice, buckle up, and let's once again get you
(00:48):
financially and personally empowered.
Hey, Josh.
It's so great to have you here today, man.
Jamie, thanks for having me, man.
That intro, I don't know if I can live up toit.
I'll do my best, though.
It's fantastic.
I'm sure you're gonna be this is gonna beawesome.
I I as our listeners know, I talk to peoplefrom all walks of life on this show.
We've we've had some mental healthprofessionals.
We've had, you know, some financialprofessionals like ourselves, accountants, and
(01:12):
tax people.
We've had some attorneys on here.
But, you know, as a financial planner myself,and and I know you're a CFP as well, you know,
I have a special place in my heart for folkslike you, especially people that have gone
through a divorce and have have some someexperience with this with this line of work as
you do.
So I'm I'm super happy to have you here, man.
Thank you so I mean, we're united.
Right?
Finance guys, been through a divorce, trying tohelp guys go go through it themselves.
(01:35):
Absolutely.
Yeah, man.
And then that's that's we were kinda talkingabout and I'm glad you just mentioned that
here.
Like, Right?
Like, so many of our listeners, so many of ourparticipants in our Facebook groups and, you
know, the webinars and seminars that we do, alot of the clients, 95% of the people that we
work with, not by choice, but just by default,have been women and are women that are
(01:59):
participating and getting all the help.
So I'd love to hear your thoughts on you know,as a dude just like myself who has gone through
divorce, mine was incredibly challenging andvery expensive.
I don't know.
We haven't talked about what your experiencewas like, but I'd love to hear some of your
thoughts about men going through a divorce andmaybe, like, why they don't ask for help, maybe
(02:22):
why they should be asking for help, and andjust I just wanna let you have the floor here,
man.
I appreciate that.
Yeah.
It's been my experience as well.
You know, I I've I'm I don't have the samedesignations as you do, but I've worked with
several divorcing women, specifically even inmy financial career as well.
And it's always been women.
I again, I don't know why.
That I've I don't think I've ever worked withone divorcing male ever until I started my
(02:45):
coaching company, and now I work with a bunchof guys.
But, you know, I found the same thing on socialmedia with anything that I post, with my own
podcast, etcetera.
The whole thing is geared around focusing onmen.
And yet, I still sometimes get more femaleviewers, more female commenters, more and I and
(03:06):
I think that there's you know, maybe we shouldjust start with what is societally acceptable.
Right?
So I don't know about your experience.
My experience has been if a woman needs helpand she goes to therapy or she gets coaching or
something else, generally speaking, societysays, good for you.
You deserve it.
(03:26):
You should do it.
That's awesome.
Congratulations.
Right?
It's usually, I think, met with a lot ofoptimism versus if a man does that, from my
experience, usually, the response is, what thehell is wrong with you?
So let's just start with that.
Yeah.
You're weak.
You know,
you're weak.
You can't Man up.
Bro, man up.
(03:47):
Yeah.
You can't do it yourself?
Why not?
So maybe just starting with that, you know, I Idon't I don't wanna go into a long history
lesson of why that is because I don't even knownecessarily.
Yeah.
But I think that that's part of it.
I think that there is this idea, at least youknow, I'll speak from my own experience.
I grew up very much in a household that is justfigure it out.
Right?
(04:08):
Get back up on the horse.
Get back you know, pull yourself up by yourbootstraps is what I used to hear from my
grandpa all the time.
If you fall, just pick yourself back up.
Don't deal with it.
A lot of that stoic attitude of you're notreally supposed to feel emotions.
You're not really supposed to go through theemotional process.
You're a man.
(04:28):
Just deal with it.
And, frankly, it's all over social media.
It's all over the media.
You know, I I feel like as men in societytoday, we kinda have two options.
Right?
We we can go kinda the the Homer Simpson routeor any TV show route where we're just a
goofball, and people just laugh at us becausewe're a man, especially as a dad.
You know, I'm a dad.
(04:48):
It's just you're either the goofball dad thatno one really takes seriously.
I'm like, okay, dad, you know, etcetera.
Or you're the other guy that's, like, the totaljerk, right, that everyone's just trying to
avoid because he doesn't know how to controlhis emotions, he just flies off the handle all
the time.
We don't get a lot of examples, at least fromwhat I see, about somebody who's actually
processing their emotions, going throughthings, dealing with them real time.
(05:11):
At least that's been my experience.
Yeah.
So I think maybe that's part of it.
I think that a lot of guys and I'll speak formyself.
So when I went through my divorce, I didn'thire a coach and I didn't have a certified
divorce specialist like yourself helping withmy finances.
I didn't do either one of
those.
Mhmm.
I did the typical tried to go through mediationfirst.
(05:31):
Wife at the time didn't want to.
She wanted to use attorneys.
So then I decided to hire an attorney and thenI just kinda thought the attorney was gonna be
the end all be all.
And frankly, they weren't and they made a lotof mistakes.
And I had a great attorney that I spentmultiple 6 figures on.
And still, there was mistake after mistakeafter mistake after mistake.
(05:52):
And we'll probably talk about this later, but Iwrote an ebook earlier this year to talk to the
men of the five biggest traps avoid when goingthrough a divorce and how to avoid them.
And trap number two, which is one of the mostimportant ones, is trusting the wrong team.
And in that chapter, I specifically talk aboutthe fact that just hiring an attorney when
(06:12):
going through a process like this is a hugemistake.
Could cost you $6.07, 8 figures depending onwhat your net worth looks like.
Yeah.
It's you're what you're talking about is iseverything I talk about too.
And if you've had a chance to to listen to anyof the the previous shows or you you follow us
on social media, We talk about team you all thetime, creating team you.
(06:34):
And it's so good to hear somebody else who hasbeen in my shoes and in in the same shoes as
other people that are that are listening andand and have reached out to get the help is
that you also concur with doing the same thing.
I mean, I'm a big I'm a and I'm I am not thedude that you described earlier where it's like
where I poo poo and look down on people thatget the mental health support that they need
(06:56):
and get the the family support they need andthe fur the the you know, just surround
themselves with loved ones.
I'm not that guy.
I didn't do that, which was my the biggestmistake in my own divorce.
You know, I didn't create team you, which isnow I'm realizing looking back, like, that was
one of the bigger mistakes I made.
And I just try to make sure that, you know, getthat message out there that so nobody else
steps in the same landline, so to speak, that Idid.
(07:16):
And I'm I'm super appreciative that you'veshared that because it's good to hear from
other people that have been down the same paththat they they had to agree with it.
Yeah.
Absolutely, brother.
Absolutely.
It's really important.
And and, you know, to your point as well, theremight be some guys listening or watching this
right now that are thinking, well, I'm goodwith that.
You know, I'm okay with people getting help andthat sort of thing, but then they don't do it
(07:37):
themselves.
And they're like, oh, well, you know, I can Ican do it?
Like, I had a little bit of a unique situationjust being a financial planner going through
it.
I didn't feel like I needed to hire anotherfinancial planner to help me with it.
However, that being said, I've hired financialplanners in the past even as a financial
planner because there's just something even ifit's your expertise and your what you do for a
(07:57):
living, there's still something about havingsomebody else's set of eyes on things that's
really, really helpful.
It's the same thing with a coach.
You would think, well, I coach people all daylong.
I don't need a coach.
That's not true.
Yeah.
I have a coach.
I have multiple coaches because I wanna makesure that my coaching continues to increase as
their coaching continues to increase.
Right?
(08:18):
So let's talk a little bit about that.
Maybe we'll just address that chapter here realquick.
Yeah.
Let's talk about it.
So I would say probably the two most commonpeople on the team that I see missed, and this
is for all your viewers.
They already know that you do financialplanning.
But, seriously, reach out to Jamie because thefinancial piece is huge.
(08:40):
Here's one of the main reasons why.
Get ready for this.
If you're an attorney listening, I apologize,but it's true.
Attorneys suck at numbers.
I'll repeat that.
Attorneys suck at numbers, and that's okay.
You don't want them to be good at numbers.
That's not their job.
Their job is to help you get as much time withyour kids as possible if that's your goal, make
(09:02):
sure that things are equitably divided, makesure that contention goes down as much as
possible, and make sure that you get throughthis horrific process of your divorce.
Attorneys are very, very needed.
I work with attorneys all the time.
Huge fan.
And they suck at numbers.
So do not expect an attorney to give you theright numbers as far as your finances, as far
as your alimony, as far as your child support,even as far as dividing up your assets.
(09:26):
Because trying for them to try to calculatethings like how much money should you get from
a retirement account that hasn't been paidtaxes on, etcetera, their minds just explode.
If you ask them to look at your tax return andyou're a self employed business owner, their
minds explode, and they don't understand.
Even though you're making zero money on yourtax returns, but you're living a million dollar
(09:46):
lifestyle, They don't know how that works.
They also don't know how to separate it andthen how much money to give your ex spouse.
So be really, really careful with that.
Hire somebody like Jamie.
Number two, like you said, team you.
Extremely important.
I see a lot of people going to therapists,which I did.
I had a therapist at the time.
Huge fan.
Also talk about therapists in the book.
(10:08):
However, there's a big difference here.
A lot of people sometimes wonder, what is thedifference between a therapist and a coach?
So I'll help explain that for a moment.
A therapist's primary job is to help you dealwith your childhood trauma, whatever trauma you
have brought into your adult life, whateverthat is, if you haven't moved past it, you
(10:32):
haven't grieved it, you haven't healed it,that's what a therapist is for.
Huge fan of therapists, had a therapist foryears, etcetera.
What a therapist's job isn't, and a really goodtherapist will tell you this, a therapist's job
is not to coach you into the future.
That's not their job.
Their job is to help you review the past toremove that from your future.
(10:55):
Their job is not to help coach you into thefuture.
Let's go back to the situation of going througha divorce.
Again, a therapist is going be very helpfuldealing with maybe how do you deal with your ex
spouse through this, especially if it'scontentious.
Dealing with the filters that are popping upfor you that you're having a hard time dealing
with moving forward with this.
(11:15):
Huge fan of that.
What they're not gonna be able to help you withis how do they coach you moving forward into
what does the next stage of your life looklike.
For everybody going through divorce, it endswith you two point o.
A therapist is not qualified, experienced, oreducated in order to help coach you into you
(11:36):
two point o.
That's what a coach is for.
Specifically, though, I would say and this isnot to toot my own horn.
It there's plenty of us out there.
But, specifically, find somebody who's beendivorced.
That would just make sense.
Right?
Like, somebody that's been through acontentious, difficult divorce to help coach
you through a contentious, difficult divorce.
It's it's kind of like trying to explain toyour friend that has kids or doesn't have kids,
(11:58):
excuse me, what having kids is like.
You're like, I have a dog.
I understand.
Really?
No.
You don't.
You have a dog.
I have three children.
That is not the same thing.
And you're not gonna understand it until youhave three children.
Then you'll understand it.
Then you'll come back to me and be like, oh,man.
I was way off.
It all makes sense now.
Yeah.
Same thing with a coach.
Right?
Like, what are gonna trust somebody who hasn'teven been through the process themselves?
(12:18):
Yeah.
Well, I and I I think you you brought up somany good points, that I, you know, I could go
back to.
But one of them is earlier you were talkingabout, like, even as a financial professional
getting the help that you need and and youwished you would have had that financial help.
Right?
It's like the whole, you know, the the thelandscaper with the, you know, the the worst
lawn on the block.
(12:39):
You don't wanna be that guy.
Right?
So if you're if you're a man and you're outthere in this world, you're in the world of
finance or accounting or you maybe you're anyou're an attorney or what have you.
You maybe it it would make sense to reach outto someone like myself and get some coaching
from from somebody like Josh to be able to helpyou navigate this.
And I don't know, man.
I think it's
And part of part of it can I just say somethingreal quick?
(13:00):
Part of the reason for that too is that ifyou're going through a divorce or you've been
through a divorce, this is gonna be a no duhstatement, what I'm about to say.
If you haven't been through it yet and maybeyou're about to go through it, this might not
be a no duh statement for you.
From my experience, everyone I've ever talkedto that goes through a divorce, their mind and
soul and spirit is so consumed with the processthat you literally can't think straight because
(13:27):
your entire body is either in flight or freezepretty much the entire time you're going
through the process.
So in that situation, your mind literallycannot think correctly.
So because of that, even if it is yourexpertise, having another set of eyes on it,
and I'm not I'm not being dramatic here, cansave you $6.07, 8 figures.
(13:51):
Yeah.
In money, it can save you having way more timewith your kids.
I I lost a good amount of time with my kidsbecause of some dumb mistakes that I made at
the beginning, and then I then had to rectifyand pay 6 figures to get back.
I lost a good amount of money even though I'm afinancial guy Yeah.
Just having to deal with this stuff because Ididn't have a coach going through it.
(14:12):
So I made all the mistakes, so you don't haveto.
I mean Yeah.
You too, Jamie.
Right?
Yeah.
Exactly.
And and I don't I don't know anything aboutyour financial situation.
We did not talk about it before ourconversation here today, but I'm gonna venture
to guess you, just like myself, don't makeLeBron James kind of money.
Yeah.
Right?
Yep.
So, like, why are money.
I'm very blessed.
I'm very grateful for what I do, but Idefinitely am not, you know, Taylor Swift or
(14:34):
LeBron James.
Yeah.
So why are dudes like us paying 60, 70?
I I think I'm probably creeping up on a hundredthousand dollars in my own divorce.
Right?
It might it's well well beyond you know, pastme, thankfully.
But even just in the last couple of years wherewe've had to look at, like, alimony was gonna
end, and we need to recalculate child support.
Now I own a business.
So, oh, you must be hiding money because youthat's what business people do.
(14:57):
Like, we were back in the court system againfor another $20,000.
It's just a gigantic waste of money.
So, like, I I I I'm picking up what you'reputting down with everything you say, man.
I hope our listeners do.
One of the things that I keep thinking about asyou're you're kinda walking me through your
mindset around this and the work that you doand and and some of the comments that you made
is, like, this concept of resiliency.
(15:18):
Right?
Like, this and I know you've been through somestuff, right, through your own divorce.
You've already told us about that.
So, like, if it what if I'm one of your clientsand I'm and or and you're speaking to me and
I'm in the throes of my divorce and I'm feelingall of the things that you just mentioned.
Right?
Like, because I was there too.
Like, I had adrenal fatigue.
I had all like, I had some health issuescropping up that I I was able to thankfully,
(15:40):
you know, overcome and and really just, youknow, get beyond and not let them really
dramatically impact my health, thankfully, butit can do some damage to you.
So, like, how do you handle all of that?
If if I'm coming to you and I'm in the throesof it, like, what, like, what do you like, how
do we work together?
What is what are the some of the things you'regonna, like, exercise you're gonna take me
(16:00):
through?
Whatever what do I need to do?
And what are some things that practicallypeople can do that are listening that, you
know, might be in the throes of it could coulduse?
I I appreciate you asking that because so goingback to the ebook, trap number three, actually,
it's almost like you're prompting me for this.
And by the way, for all the listeners, shehasn't read the book either, just so you know.
(16:20):
But literally number three is tossing self careaside because it's something that's extremely
easy to do in that process, physical health,mental health, emotional health.
And as guys specifically, this, I think, isreally, really important, especially in the
world we live in.
Because I don't know about you, but every timeI get on any sort of social media outlet,
probably eighty twenty rule, 80% of the guysare talking about something physical.
(16:43):
Mhmm.
Get to the gym, get bigger muscles, get a sixpack.
Everything's gonna be fine as long as you'rephysically okay, which is just not true.
Now can a lot of the mental stuff start withthat?
Sure.
It can.
So one of the things that we do talk about iswe do talk about the physical, but this is not
to get jacked.
This is not to have a body to make your exjealous, which, you know, I've been there
(17:06):
before.
I get what that's like.
So but that's not the reason.
The reason why is so that you can free upmental capacity.
That's why exercise and keeping health is soimportant during this process.
So one of the some of the things we talk aboutis just diet.
We talk about health.
We talk about sleeping.
We talk about eating.
We talk about just getting your body moving,physiology.
(17:29):
But most of it, honestly, is mental just likeit is in anything else.
Anyone that's listening that's ever doneanything harder or any or started a business or
done anything like that, you know that it's 80%up here.
Right?
You mentioned LeBron James earlier.
LeBron James wins up here.
He doesn't win even though he hasn't, you know,a body made for basketball, and he works that
(17:49):
out as much as he can.
And he has amazing amount of talent, and heworks his butt off.
Right?
He's still winning the game up here.
Yeah.
As they used to say, you know, of Kobe.
Right?
Mamba mentality.
Right?
Michael Jordan.
Anyone.
Any any sports guy that you wanna use.
Tom Brady, whoever.
So we work on that a lot.
During a divorce, though, it's really hard, atleast it was for me and the guys that I work
(18:12):
with, to somehow feel like the most confidentguy in the world.
Right?
Like, you're going through this terribleprocess.
You're having this person that maybe,especially if it's contentious, is really
difficult.
How are you supposed to feel that way?
So what we spend a lot of time on is it's gonnamaybe sound a little cliche, but just visioning
(18:33):
future.
Visioning what two point o looks like.
So the very first thing, practically, foreverybody listening, watching, here's what I
would encourage you to do, especially if you'regoing through this.
And by the way, this is not just if you'regoing through a divorce.
If you're going through any sort ofrelationship transition or you just went
through one or you're going through a jobchange, if you're at any part where you're
like, I'm feeling a little insecure, maybe lessconfident right now, here's the very first
(18:56):
thing that I would recommend you do.
And it's very, very simple.
Get your good yourself in a good state.
How do you get yourself in a good state?
Usually, your body.
Has to be a part of it.
So that doesn't necessarily mean that you haveto lift heavy weights.
It could be a walk.
It could be jumping up and down.
It could be dancing.
It could be, you know, open up a fun YouTubechannel, whatever, listening to fun music.
There's a lot of different ways to move yourbody to change your physiology.
(19:18):
Yeah.
Feel free to reach out to me if you want somespecific ways.
I'll give you my information in a second.
So moving your body is key.
In order for our brains to remember things, wehave to add movement in order to remember them.
Let me give you a perfect example for this toprove my point for anybody that's like, yeah.
That's not true.
(19:39):
When have you ever gone to a businessconference or any sort of conference, sat there
for hours, didn't remember crap afterwards?
Or even if you took real great notes, how longwas it until you didn't do what was in those
notes?
A day?
Two days?
Three days?
A week?
Part of the reason why and part of so one of myyou know, the goat as far as anyone is ever
(20:03):
concerned for me, have a huge man crush on him,is Tony Robbins.
And one of the things that he's really bigabout is moving your body physiology during his
conferences, which I go to all the time becausethey're amazing.
And science shows that if you are trying tolearn something and you're trying to change the
neural pathways in your brain, you also have tomove your body while you're thinking these
(20:23):
things in order to get there.
So here's a very simple exercise.
Move your body.
Get yourself in a good state.
Don't lie to yourself that you're in a goodstate.
Get yourself into a good state.
When you're in that prime key state, sit down,get out a piece of paper, and write me two
point o at the top.
And just write what you want your life to looklike.
(20:46):
There's a couple keys to this.
One, don't shame yourself.
This is not an exercise to say, oh, my lifesucks right now.
I wish it could be like this.
No.
There's nothing about this.
This is just a dreaming exercise.
Pretend like you are my youngest child isseven.
Pretend like you're seven.
And pretend like this is a creative, oh mygoodness.
(21:06):
There's unicorns and Santa and everything elsesort of an exercise.
K?
Just dream, and just write down what all thatlooks like.
Include your ideal partner, your ideal futuremate if you ever want one again.
You might not want one right now.
You might be feeling negative about that, butjust let it let it be.
Right?
Maybe you have a crush on an actress.
(21:27):
Fine.
Write her information down there.
Start manifesting that.
I have one.
I'm I'm not gonna tell you.
Maybe I'll tell you later, I've manifestingthat for a couple years now.
We'll see if it ever happens.
If it does, I'll let you know.
Write that down.
Write it.
This is not just about money.
This is, like, how I wanna feel, what I want mylife to be like, what my purpose is, what my
mission is.
And don't go through, like, those boringbusiness exercises where you go through a
(21:51):
business plan.
That's not what I'm talking about.
I'm just saying a blank piece of paper, spewout your vision for your life.
And, frankly, if you do that and you look atthat every single day, you're going through a
divorce or you're going through a hard time.
If you did that for three months, how do youthink you're gonna feel after that last three
months?
It's the vision board scenario.
(22:12):
Right?
I mean, that's why people make vision boards.
Absolutely.
We you we go through the same experience andand exercise and not not related to divorce,
but in similar fashion with with the financialplanning clients we work with.
I know you do this.
Right?
Like, that's that's part of the CFP process asa certified financial planner.
Very one of the very first things you have todo with your clients is just know the client,
right, and get understanding what your goalsand objectives are.
(22:34):
So I love this, man.
I think it's a I'm a big I'm a big plan plannerby nature.
Right?
Like, I mean, I have business plan, and I Ihave goals that I set for myself every year,
and and you have to keep reminding yourself ofthat.
And that's another reason why I have a stand updesk.
I I stand up from 07:00 in the morning tillfive or 06:00 in the evening when when work is
over, and that's because I feel like I absorbinformation much better than if I were just
(22:59):
sitting down.
Right?
So it's like, I I'm I'm a big fan of thisstuff, man.
I'm glad so glad you brought this up.
Yeah.
And, you know, I think it's, again, justspeaking of the people that have been
surrounded by me for a long time is that as asa guy and as a business owner, we all know this
stuff already intrinsically just as far as ourbusiness goes.
Right?
Like, we have to vision.
We have to do all this.
But what where I see there being a big lack iswhat about me two point o?
(23:23):
We're we're not talking about business here.
We're not talking about money.
We're not talking about success.
We're not talking about what you want for yourbusiness or what car you want or what boat you
want.
None of that stuff.
We're just talking about what's your ideallife.
Yeah.
And I don't think a lot of people spend timewith that.
Frankly, I haven't before the last few years.
Yeah.
It wasn't ever really it was more about, like,well, what business do I want?
(23:45):
What do I want for my kids?
What do I want for the car?
What you know, all that sort of stuff.
But it wasn't like, well, what's my ideal life,though?
What does that look like?
How do I give back to humanity the best?
What what's my real mission in life?
And a divorce, oh, man.
Even though it is so brutal, brother, as youknow, it's such an amazing opportunity for you
to look at that.
(24:06):
And because you get to reinvent yourself.
Just like you just said, I mean, we've beentalking about it for the last couple minutes.
I mean, you this is an opportunity for you toreally have the life and live the life that you
really wanted.
Right?
And what and we, we handle all all thefinancial aspects of divorce, and there's a lot
we could talk, you know, for another half anhour on the this impacts the finance,
financials.
(24:27):
But, I mean, if you can get your head right andyou get that vision, you're gonna make better
financial decisions when it comes time to putpen to paper and sign on the dotted line on
that divorce decree or marital settlementagreement, whatever your state calls it.
But, again, another missed exercise that Ididn't go through during my own divorce.
(24:47):
And and that's the the whole point of thisconversation, which I'm so thankful you're
bringing this stuff up is, like, these arelandmines that people step in all the time, and
I and I'm, you know, we've gotta help themavoid.
Absolutely.
This is the, what I would call the I alwayscall the cart blanch segment of our of our show
as we're getting ready to wrap up here.
But I know you have the ebook.
So talk a little bit more about the ebook.
(25:08):
And then if there's anything else that youknow, any other questions or anything I should
have asked that I didn't ask that you'd like toshare with our listeners, I'd love to hear from
you.
Sure.
Yeah.
So the other thing that I mentioned to youearlier as well that I'll mention to all the
listeners is I do also wanna offer all yourlisteners something just because you had me on
the podcast today.
So my ebook is on Amazon.
Feel free to look up my name and go go find itthere right now.
(25:29):
Or if you want, find me on Instagram.
I'm the derelict podcast.
Maybe Jamie can add it to the show notes.
Mhmm.
But just go on Instagram, the derelict podcast,and DM me the word Allegiant, as in Allegiant
Divorce Solutions.
Just DM me the word Allegiant, and I will knowthat you want the ebook, and I'll send it to
you for free.
So, again, it's the five traps men face whengoing through a divorce and how to triumph over
(25:53):
them.
I think it's gonna be really helpful for you.
So, again, DM me on Instagram, the derelictpodcast, the word allegiant, and I'll send it
to you.
But as we wrap up, let me skip ahead to numberfive, which I think this makes three of the
five we've talked about today.
Right?
So, again, DM me if you want the other two.
Number five is your your relationships afteryou continue to move forward with the the
(26:18):
divorce.
So tanking relationships past divorce is numberfive.
They're all t's.
Mhmm.
This one's tanking relationships.
The number one thing when I wrote this ebook, Iwent out to many many many many people and
interviewed them all the same thing.
I basically sent out a survey to a bunch ofpeople on my list that went through a divorce
that I've known either as friends, as peoplethat I've coached, as just business partners,
(26:42):
you know, across the board.
I asked them all what the top things that theywish they could redo from their divorce.
Ironically enough, it was pretty much the samethat I was already thinking of writing the
book.
It's amazing how similar this is no matter whatyour divorce looks like.
But I will say that number five was the biggestone that I heard from all of them, and that was
(27:05):
I dated too soon.
Every single person, I dated too soon.
They dated a day after, I dated too soon.
They dated six months, they waited six months,I dated too soon.
They waited two years, I dated too soon.
Same answer.
Didn't matter how long they waited.
Everyone gave me the same answer.
Why?
So we're not gonna talk about timing herebecause there is no magic number.
Don't ask me for a magic number.
(27:26):
There's all these theories online.
Even if you type it in AI, they probably giveyou a theory, like, half the time that you're
with your partner or at least a year or sixmonths past every full moon or something.
You know?
There's all all these weird things.
There is no number.
Here's what I'd say, though.
The reason every single one of them told me thesame thing, which is true for my life as well,
(27:48):
of too soon is because they started datingbefore they actually went through the grieving
process themselves and before they actuallyhealed themselves.
So when they went out to find somebody else,they put some of that healing process on that
(28:09):
person.
If you've ever been in a relationship whereyou've put part of your healing process on
someone else, tell me that it worked becauseI've never heard that before.
If you put your healing process on anyone elsebesides yourself, it will not work.
I promise you.
I promise you.
It's one of the tenets of any healing groupthat you could be a part of.
(28:29):
You have to do it yourself between yourself,your higher power, your universe, your god,
whatever you call it.
It has to be there and here.
That's it.
It cannot be because of somebody else.
Somebody else cannot heal for you.
So my words of encouragement would be thatyou're not gonna be single forever, and it's
okay to take time now.
(28:49):
And if you don't, like I didn't, again, failureagain.
Mhmm.
Like I didn't, it will be only harder the nexttime around.
I promise you that.
Because I had a couple of long termrelationships after my marriage so far at this
point in my journey.
Both of them probably didn't heal as much as Ishould have, and it was brutal afterwards.
(29:11):
I remember hearing this before I got divorced.
I was a part of this divorce group, andeveryone in the group said the same thing.
They said the relationship that they wentthrough after their divorce was harder when
they broke up than their actual divorce.
And these are people that had the mostcontentious divorces I've ever heard of that
made mine look like simple divorce.
(29:33):
And I always thought in my head, that doesn'tmake any sense.
How is that even possible?
And then I went through it, and I was like, oh,it makes sense.
Because now I'm a little bit healed.
I found somebody that probably fits me better,and then that relationship ends?
Oh, man.
There's aspects of that that are even brutalthan my marriage that I knew was bad in a lot
of ways ending.
(29:55):
So my encouragement to you is you're not gonnabe single forever.
Take some time.
It's amazing what you can do in six months, ayear, two years to work on yourself and become
that two point o.
And, also, here's the other thing.
Here's the selfish reason for it.
If you become ideal two point o yourself, guesswho you're gonna attract?
(30:16):
It's gonna be the person that's attracted totwo point o, which is the person that you wanna
attract.
If you're going out there without healingyourself, you're gonna attract a lot of the
same stuff.
And I say you because I did the same thing.
So that would be my biggest encouragement forpeople going through a process like that is
it's okay to pause and wait.
You don't have to be, like, a % perfect whenyou start dating again.
(30:39):
Don't hear this the wrong way.
But just get to a point where others see it inyou.
Maybe you have a coach working with you throughthis.
And there's other things you can do withoutdating.
You can go have conversations with people,especially somebody that's been in a marriage a
long time and maybe don't even know how to dateagain.
That was my experience.
Just go start talking to people.
Talk to people at the coffee shop, etcetera.
But you don't have to do it in order to jumpinto another long term relationship that might
(31:03):
just be even more brutal than the last one yougot out of.
Man, that is some powerful that is a powerfulmessage right there.
I did not wait.
You know, thankfully, things have worked out sofar, but I I I see this happen all the time.
Right?
Like, people jump into other relationships, thenext thing you know, that one fails, and they
then it's, oh, woe is me, and what's wrong withme?
(31:23):
And and it's really just that you just need totake a beat and figure some things out.
And and I'm so glad that, man, that you sharedall this with us today.
I know we're already coming up on time.
We could keep going for another half an hour,but I'm not gonna take up all your day, and I
wanna make sure it will be brief and be gonefor our listeners.
But I I really appreciate this, man.
This has been very, very powerful, and and I'llmake sure that, anybody that's listening today,
(31:45):
you know, of course, you know, follow, Josh'sinstructions regarding his, Instagram.
You know, DM him and, you know, it wasAllegiant.
Right?
You want that word to DM you Allegiant to getthe copy
of it?
It's in Instagram is the derelict podcast, andjust DM me the word Allegiant, and I'll send
you the ebook.
Amazing.
We're gonna put all the links and everything inthe show notes so everybody will have them so
they can get in touch with you.
(32:06):
I really, really appreciate your time, man.
And for our listeners who wanna con connectwith Josh and explore the Derelict podcast,
head over to his other social media platforms.
We'll make sure we again, we'll put all thelinks in the show notes and give him a follow.
And if you're navigating your own financial orpersonal challenges, remember that Allegiant
Divorce Solutions, we're here to help and offeryou as much support as we possibly can.
(32:26):
You can visit us at allegiantds.com.
Book a complimentary and confidentialconversation with us to help you get the
support that you need.
Don't forget to subscribe to our podcast.
Follow us on show all the socials and whatnotto get more updates on our upcoming shows and
and other announcements.
But, until next time, thank you for tuning in,and we'll talk to you again soon.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
New Heights with Jason & Travis Kelce
Football’s funniest family duo — Jason Kelce of the Philadelphia Eagles and Travis Kelce of the Kansas City Chiefs — team up to provide next-level access to life in the league as it unfolds. The two brothers and Super Bowl champions drop weekly insights about the weekly slate of games and share their INSIDE perspectives on trending NFL news and sports headlines. They also endlessly rag on each other as brothers do, chat the latest in pop culture and welcome some very popular and well-known friends to chat with them. Check out new episodes every Wednesday. Follow New Heights on the Wondery App, YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to new episodes early and ad-free, and get exclusive content on Wondery+. Join Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts or Spotify. And join our new membership for a unique fan experience by going to the New Heights YouTube channel now!