Bruno's You Don't Have To

For 25 years, Bruno had a toxic relationship with time. It started with his first job out of college, navigating DC traffic for a boss who believed the solution to being late was simply "leave an hour earlier." This ingrained a deep-seated anxiety about punctuality that followed Bruno for decades, amplified by partners and a society obsessed with the clock. It became a residual behavioral response, a constant low-level st...

Join us for a brutally honest and hilarious take on beach parenting from a dad who freely admits he can't swim. In this 4-minute comedic monologue, our host shares the reality of family beach trips: carrying 55,000 tons of equipment only to watch your kids eat sand, setting clear water boundaries with children, and the liberating honesty of admitting your limitations.

From explaining why shower dizziness disqualifies you from fighte...

Bruno shares a nostalgic and hilarious story about childhood dreams of becoming a fireman and a recent encounter with a very modern fire department vehicle that left him confused and slightly disappointed.

From childhood fantasies of big, loud fire trucks with flashing lights to the reality of encountering a fire department pickup truck with \"glistening little lights,\" this episode explores how our adult experiences some...

Ever argue lollipop flavors with an 8-year-old? Bruno did—and it spiraled into hot dogs in the cafeteria, bubblegum ice cream, and a war on blue cotton candy suckers. In under 4 minutes, he rants about Paw Patrol, childhood innocence, and the tragedy of kale smoothies. This brutally honest, laugh-out-loud short podcast explores why 7–8 is the golden age, why 5-year-olds are juice-box terrorists, and why Rubble from Paw Patrol can g...

Feeling pressured to get married, buy a house, have kids, and post it all in matching outfits? You don’t have to.

This podcast is for overthinkers, quietly panicking 40-somethings, and anyone questioning life’s so-called milestones. Join Bruno—a newly single 47-year-old with a sharp tongue, dry humor, and zero patience for societal BS—as he unpacks expectations about relationships, dating after divorce, parenthood, and success.

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Big news, loyal listeners (and the three people who accidentally subscribed)! Bruno’s cutting back—but don’t worry, it’s not on carbs or caffeine. Starting now, we’re dropping just one glorious, unhinged, irreverent episode a week. Why? Because twice the nonsense was making the internet unstable—and Bruno’s vocal cords deserve hazard pay.

Tune in every Tuesday for your weekly fix of unsolicited opinions, minor revelations, and stori...

In this brutally honest and darkly funny episode of Bruno’s You Don’t Have To, Bruno reflects on his hilariously awkward first sexual experience. From losing his virginity (and his sock) at 17, to confronting the pressure of teen sex in the 90s, to getting a number from a 24-year-old Spanish substitute teacher named Maria—this one dives into modern masculinity, sexual expectations, porn culture, and the confusing mess of growing up...

Bruno’s latest episode proves that three minutes can feel like a rollercoaster. He starts by warning you not to take him seriously, then dives into stories that reveal exactly why. Raised in a lily‑white town in GOP‑heavy New Jersey, he watched the one Black student get pulled out of class and later set 14 cars on fire. In college, he hosted a themed “ghetto night” party and learned the hard way what microaggressions really are. Mo...

Are award shows just a bunch of buddies giving trophies to each other? Bruno thinks so, and he’s not afraid to say it. On the 20th episode, we’re tearing down the pretense of formal ceremonies and building something new from the ground up. Hear how a memory of a sweltering church service inspired a rebellion against inefficiency and how that led to the creation of an award for indie podcasters. This is a story for anyone who’s ever...

Ever roomed with a punk, tattoo‑seekin’ straight‑edge kid and accidentally partied with some 👨‍🦲s? Same. In this episode Bruno recounts college chaos: misfits, frat boys threatening basement beatdowns, a topless tattoo parlor call, even a surprise gun cameo. Spoiler: it’s like hiring a diabetic to guard a bakery 🍩. If your week needs some wiseass nostalgia + absurd edge, this one’s your ticket. Play clean, listen dirty.”

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Bruno loves dogs. Bruno does not want another dog. In this barkingly honest episode, he unpacks a $3.79 adoption in China, blood on the floor, cat piss on trampolines, and a fantasy about fishing for stripers in Nova Scotia with a camper and a loyal companion. It’s not about dogs. It’s about freedom, failure, and the very real threat of being eaten by wolves if you pass out in the rubble.

A deep dive into pet regret, cat warfare, an...

In this sharp, honest, and occasionally NSFW-mouthed rant, Bruno reflects on the chaotic beauty of parenting through puberty. From shouting matches about jackets to overthinking mashed peas in the freezer, this episode hits every note between regret and relief.

Bruno realizes the yelling, the frustration, the slammed doors—it wasn’t personal. It was puberty. His kid wasn’t trying to be a jerk. He was just drowning in hormones, and B...

Are we raising a generation that can’t take a punch—literally or metaphorically? In this brutally honest four-minute rant, Bruno dives into the parenting paradox: how did our boomer parents mess us up so badly that we became the soft, overprotective ones?

With stories from the frontlines of middle school discipline, awkward co-parenting moments, and one surprisingly strategic cell phone call, this episode questions what happens when...

Ever had the talk in a Dodge Caravan on the Jersey Turnpike after a Devils game? No? Well, Bruno did—and now he’s passing the awkward torch to the next generation. In this hilariously honest episode, Bruno dives into the cringe, chaos, and crucial conversations of parenting in the age of TikTok and Pornhub.

From blowjob rumors at school to ordering bubblegum ice cream with rainbow sprinkles in front of cute teenage girls, this i...

What do high school English class, Tropic of Cancer, and a sketchy dirt road in the woods have in common? Bruno, apparently.

In this episode of Bruno’s You Don’t Have To, we dive into literary trauma, questionable curriculum choices, and one man’s midlife detour—both metaphorical and very, very literal. From being the only kid actually reading in class (and getting in trouble for it), to trusting Google Maps into the muddiest mo...