July 9, 2025 • 40 mins
This episode explores why so many women feel the pressure to be everything to everyone—and how this mindset is both unsustainable and unnecessary. You’ll unpack where the need to “do it all” comes from, the spiritual and emotional toll it takes, and most importantly, how to begin releasing the burden without guilt.
In this heartfelt episode of Building a Life You Love, host Kristin Fitch invites you to break free from the pressure of doing everything for everyone. If you're tired of carrying the invisible load, feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities, or struggling to let go of control—this is your wake-up call.
Kristin shares 5 simple but powerful shifts to help you release perfectionism, receive support, and start living lighter with intention, grace, and joy. Learn how to create space for rest, reframe your role, and remember: your worth isn’t tied to your productivity.
You don’t have to earn rest. You don’t have to do it all. You just have to start choosing what matters most.
You’ll learn why it’s essential to acknowledge your emotions rather than suppress them, and how embracing your feelings can lead to greater joy, peace, and purpose. Plus, Kristin shares practical strategies to renew your mind, shift your perspective, and let go of the mental habits holding you back.
If you’re ready to trade inner criticism for clarity, and overwhelm for lasting peace, this episode is for you. And if you'd like to jump start shifting your thoughts and experiencing more joy go grab my free Rewire Your Mind Guide to help you get started. Rewire Your Mind Guide
Download My Free Joyful Living Devotional: https://kristinfitch.com/devotional
Ready to take your first step towards a more joyful, faith-filled life? Download our Reignite Your Passion Workbook and start living with purpose today!
What to feel more energized in midlife? Grab my 5 Day Energy Reset Jump Start Guide here.
Ready to work with Kristin to make a shift in your life? Click here to get started.
✅ Key Takeaways:
- You are not required to carry everything—God never asked you to.
- Doing it all often stems from people-pleasing, control, or fear—not truth.
- Allowing others to help (even imperfectly) frees you and builds connection.
- Setting a “done is done” daily boundary creates emotional and physical space for rest.
- Your value is not in your output. You are deeply loved just as you are.
Christian women and burnout, Stop doing it all podcast, Faith-based self-worth, Midlife mindset reset, Christian podcast for women 40+, Living lighter with God, How to let go of control, Christian women and rest, Invisible load of motherhood, Permission to slow down, Women and perfectionism podcast, Biblical rest and renewal
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey, and welcome back to the show.
This is your host, Kristen.
Today we are going to talkabout you don't have to do it all.
How can we let go, lean in andlive lighter?
Because so many of us areholding on to so much, so many of
us are trying to do it all foreveryone and then wondering why we're
exhausted.
So we're going to talk aboutwhat are five steps that we can take
(00:23):
to try to release that part ofus, right, that wants to hold on
to that control.
We're going to talk about whyit's so important to let other people
do things for us or and alsojust why mentally, physically, from
a stress perspective, this isso important and why we don't need
(00:46):
to earn rest.
So that's what we're going totalk about today.
Have you ever imaginedbuilding a life you love but got
stuck in between the what ifs,expectations and obligations in your
life?
Welcome to Building a life youLove, the podcast dedicated to helping
you step into a life whereyour passion blossoms from within,
your faith deepens, andsimplicity becomes your favorite
synonym for everyday life.
(01:07):
Hi, I'm your host, Kristin, anencourager, a faith led entrepreneur,
a mom and a wife.
Join me each week as we diveinto creating positive habits, stepping
out of your comfort zone,making space for meaningful work
and relationships.
I'm going to bring youpractical tips, uplift, lifting conversations
and expertise, guidance thatyou can use.
So why wait?
Step off the path ofexpectations and into a space that
(01:29):
feels genuinely yours.
Subscribe now to building alife you love and let's begin this
transformative journeytogether towards joy, peace and purpose.
So here's the first thing.
I have absolutely been in thisplace and I know so many of you probably
can relate this as well.
We try to do 16 things in aday or we say yes to everything.
(01:49):
And in some cases no one evenasked us to do anything.
But we still take it on.
There's so many reasons for this.
For some of it, some of us,it's people pleasing.
For some of it us, it's a codependency.
For some of us, it's becausewe don't even realize what subconsciously
we feel like we are.
We validate our existence orthat we can't rest until we do right,
(02:15):
until we accomplish.
And so a lot of these patternsstart when we're young, right?
We saw something or heardsomething or we internalize something,
even if it isn't the messagethat someone wanted to convey to
us, especially if we were young.
But we started basicallyacting in These patterns, you know
that.
Or maybe it's my kids cannever do it right or my spouse can
(02:38):
never do it right, so I justdo it.
I don't even ask them.
But once again, we're layeringon top of ourselves.
More burdens, more a longer todo list.
And then we're wondering why.
We're burned out, we're exhausted.
We don't feel like we have alot of joy in our lives.
But it's because we aren'tconditioning ourselves to say no.
(02:58):
We're not conditioningourselves to let other people help,
even imperfectly.
We are not allowing otherpeople to participate.
And because of all of that,we're worn out.
And I don't know about you,but I'm done.
I am ready to say no.
I have walked through thosedays and I don't want to keep walking
(03:19):
through those days anymore.
I don't want to feel guiltybecause I say I don't have the energy
to do X, Y or Z today.
In some cases, it might be thelaundry or it might be dinner or
maybe it's that I feelprompted to go visit somebody.
And I, believe me, I am asocial person, so I love my time
(03:39):
with people.
But there are some times whereI feel pressure, right?
Because I haven't seen acertain person a while.
And so I start feelingpressure, then I start feeling guilty,
or, you know, it.
But it starts weighing on me and.
And I'm going to say, enough.
I don't want to feel that way anymore.
Listen, I gave up doing thelaundry for my whole household many
(04:02):
years ago.
Now my sons are college age orjust passed.
They all live at home asthey're going through college or
looking or getting that firstcareer job.
But here's the thing.
I don't mind doing laundry,especially if it's towels and blankets.
And I will definitely still do that.
But what I quit is I quitfolding clothes.
Now my husband does it, or wegrab our own clothes.
(04:25):
And sometimes it means thatbeside the dryer there's a pile of
clothes because someone didn'tget their clothes.
But I have decided that I ammore willing to stay see that pile
of clothing, sit there, eventhough I do not like it, versus having
to be the person that wasresponsible for folding the clothes
and much rather cook dinnerand do other things.
And so today's conversation isall about you don't have to do it
(04:48):
all.
And you can give yourpermission to yourself to let it
go, to say it's okay, we donot have to be perfect or even try
to be perfect.
And so today is all about howcan we live lighter.
I'm going to give you fivetips or in tools and shifts that
can help you reframe trying todo it all for everyone else and maybe
(05:14):
what's behind some of these things.
But before we do, I'm justgoing to share a couple things with
you.
First is most women, we tendto have a tend and befriend stress
response.
And what is that?
It's, it's where women oftenrespond to stress by caring for others
more than other people.
(05:34):
Right.
We over give, we overdo.
We want to make sureeveryone's needs are taken care of.
And one study was from ShellyTaylor at UCLA center for the Neurobiology
of Stress.
But basically over giving andoverdoing it doesn't.
(05:55):
It is not healthy long termfor us.
And I've shared this before, Idon't know if I've shared it recently
on this podcast, but 80% ofall chronic illness diagnoses are
in women.
And the reason they say thatis the case is because women either
repress or suppress.
I'm sorry, women more than menis what I should say.
(06:16):
We repress and we suppress ourneeds and desires because we put
other people first.
We are the caregivers, we arethe helpers, which is a good thing.
But it is not a good thing ifit's to the detriment of our mental
and physical health.
And so we have got to startrealizing that us doing too much,
taking on too many things,adding to our to do list, never saying
(06:40):
no, never taking a break or anight off, it is harming us.
It is not just our stress level.
It is harming us physically,it's harming us mentally.
It may be hurting our relationships.
Right.
Straining them.
And so this is really important.
This is not just a, oh, that'dbe great, but you know what, I have
a lot to do, so sorry.
Right.
(07:00):
That's, that's not it.
This is actually hurting ourquality of life and our long term
health outcomes.
Okay.
The next is.
Dr. Robin Miller said themental load is the thinking work
women do that's never seen andnever stops.
How many of you can relate to this?
I know I can.
(07:21):
And there is a 2021 BrightHorizons survey that says 86% of
women manage all familyresponsibilities, even when working
full time.
And the, the invisible laborcontributes to burnout, resentment
and lack of rest.
So what are we talking about here?
We are talking about that in alot of households, whether married
(07:42):
or single.
Right.
A divorced woman, she isplanning, organizing, taking possibly,
you know, kids to appointments.
And I'm not saying men don'tdo that.
Obviously men do do that, butoften it's more women.
But we're also thinking about,what do we need for the party?
What are the gifts we have toget for the upcoming event or party?
(08:03):
Did I get birthday cards?
You know, like, what am Igoing to make for dinner?
Even when we go on a trip, ifit's not where you're going to eat
out every meal, you're stillplanning, what is everything I have
to bring?
Do I need to bring toiletpaper, paper towels?
Do I need to bring beachtowels and regular towels?
Do I need to bring the saltand the oil in the, you know, storage
(08:24):
containers or Ziploc baggies?
But we are constantly thinkingof every single thing that we need
to remember because typicallyno one else is going to do it.
So it's either we do it orthis is how we feel, or it will not
get done.
So that is the mental loadthat a lot of times people don't
(08:44):
even see beyond the possiblehousework, beyond maybe the other
things you do around thehouse, whether it's the laundry or
making dinner or all of the above.
Those are on top of all thephysical demands that we have on
ourselves and all the locationdemands, meaning the.
All the places we have to goand be for the people we love or
(09:07):
the people we're helping.
All right, the next thing isfor those of you that are faith based.
I, you know, I share this manytimes and I talk about my faith on
the podcast.
You know, I am a Christian,and for me, this is true.
So whether you're a Christianor not, this is an important concept.
Rest is biblical and necessary.
(09:29):
Now, if you're someone that'sfaith based, like me, you're going
to, you know, know about theSabbath and understand that.
But basically, the Sabbath wasdesigned by God, and it's not for
us to be punished.
The Sabbath is actuallysupposed to be a day of rest, a day
of renewal and refreshing, aday to connect with God, with other
(09:50):
people.
And then it's also a day thatwe're supposed to delight and find
joy in our lives, right?
In a slower pace, gettingoutside in, you know, big nature,
you know, seeing God and allthe small miraculous things.
The seed that's become aflower, the tree that's bearing fruit,
you know, whatever it is.
(10:12):
And Dallas Willard said thisquote that I really like.
He says, if you do not comeapart for a while, you'll come apart.
In other words, if you don'ttake a rest, it's going to take over
you.
And I can't find it in thisbook, but I thought it was in the
book, let's call it theRuthless Elimination of Hurry by
(10:35):
John Mark Comer.
But whether it was in thisbook or another book, basically what
he gives an example of isthere is a pastor and he, for I think
it was close to a year, hedidn't take a break.
Obviously, pastors usuallywork on Sunday, which can be considered
the traditional Sabbath,Saturday or Sunday.
Right.
Depends on when you start it.
(10:56):
But a lot of times pastorsmight take a Sabbath on a Monday
or some other day, but hedidn't take a Sabbath.
He was just busy all the time.
He never rested.
Well, he ended up burning outand having to take an actual break,
right?
Like step away from the church.
And it took him as many daysof to recover or weeks.
(11:17):
I can't remember that it wasthat he didn't take the Sabbath.
In other words, we can try toavoid it.
We can try to pretend we don'tneed this rest day each week.
But we've been designed,humans have been designed to take
a day where we rest.
Whichever day it is isn't as important.
If we don't take that day, ifwe just work seven days a week, if
(11:40):
we just toil seven days aweek, it will eventually catch up
with us.
Maybe not in a week, maybe notin a month or even a year, but eventually
we will have burnout or wewill have a health crisis or something
else.
We were literally designed totake a break from all of the work
that we're doing the rest ofthe week.
It is a day to cherish andacknowledge all the blessings that
(12:04):
we have in our lives.
And so that's just somebackground that I wanted to kind
of set up before we stepthrough, through some specific tools
in mindset shifts that we can have.
Okay.
And I did want to share thisquote with you.
It's by Bob Goff in his bookUndistracted, and he's talking about
happiness.
(12:25):
But it.
I think this has a lot to dowith doing too much and allowing
ourselves to let go of some ofthe stuff we're doing.
Here's what he says.
Okay.
How many decisions would youguess you make in a typical day?
A dozen?
100?
Does 1000 sound a little closer?
Get this.
(12:45):
Each of US makes about 35,000decisions every day.
More if you spend an hour in acandy store.
Some decisions are mundane andsome are major.
We decide where we will live.
If we will marry and who wewill marry.
Sorry, we decide.
Let's see, the job we willaccept and the one we will quit.
(13:06):
The car we will buy or the buswe will take, the cake or the vegetables
we'll eat Anyways, he goes onto say who will who we will believe
and who we won't, where wewill go and how long we'll stay,
the faith we will embrace orignore, and the countless other decisions.
But here's the important partI wanted to share, he says.
Here's a surprising thing, though.
(13:27):
Most of us never decide to behappy, I bet most of us think.
I mean, most of us think happyis a result of other choices.
But that's not at all.
That's not all of it.
Sure, circumstances can betruly awful, but feeling happy is
a choice just like any other.
It's not that we don't want tobe happy.
We just get distracted by somany unhappy things that we never
(13:48):
get back around to happiness.
Perhaps we think we need aninvitation or permission to be happy.
And what if we want happyfeelings to transition into a deep
and abiding joy with longershelf life?
And basically he just saysmost people think they'll find happiness
(14:09):
at home, but the hard truth isthey aren't around long enough to
experience what's alreadywaiting for them there.
Simple and complicateddistractions take us away from the
people we love.
When this occurs, the resultis both subtle and toxic.
We start to settle forproximity rather than presence with
each other.
Know what I mean?
You will know this ishappening if you only listen for
(14:31):
the highlights in your lovedones conversations without taking
note of the emotions and bodylanguage that are also present in
the room.
These distractions are maskedin familiar disguises like career
appointments and promotions.
They invade our homes and cometo trust as extracurricular activities,
sports and electronic screens.
They look like business callsand video games and zoom conferences
(14:53):
and television shows incommittees and meetings and sometimes
even churches.
If we want to live moreundistracted lives, we need to get
real and admit that busynessis actually hijacking our joy.
Here's the good news.
We can fix all this just aseasily as we messed it up.
Get a couple of baseballgloves and talk to your loved one
about your day as you throwthe ball around.
(15:14):
If you answer your cell phonewhile playing catch, you lose teeth.
This is what it looks like toreally get some skin in the game.
And he says do this with someurgency too.
You don't have as much time asyou think you have.
Take it from a guy who's beenaround for a while.
There's a saying that I foundto be generally true.
The days are long, but theyears are short.
If you fill your days withtrivial stuff, you will look up one
(15:35):
day in a year or a decade or ahalf century will have passed.
Don't wait until you're old toask yourself, what have I done with
all that time?
Why not ask yourself right now?
What am I going to do with allthe time ahead of me?
What do you want your answerto be?
Once you've decided what youwant your future to look like, make
a couple of moves like yourlife actually is actually yours to
(15:59):
live.
Because it is.
Quit the job, call the friend,make the apology, launch the dream.
Take the shot.
Heaven is just hoping we will.
Oh, and while we're talkingabout right instead sorry that we
don't have to do it all, Ithink we also need to reflect.
(16:22):
And we need to do the right things.
We need to be present and weneed to put people before tasks and
people before extra work hours.
And we need to say no to thethings that are hurting our relationships.
No to the things that allow usto tap into our talents and our gifts.
(16:42):
Because if you never say no,then someone else is creating or
deciding what you spend yourtime on during your day.
Say no, I'm not going to makeit to the volunteer meeting.
Say no, my kid can't come tonight.
We have a family dinner.
Say no to your boss that youcannot work until 10pm when you're
supposed to give up at 5.
(17:04):
We have to take back controlof our lives.
But that starts with beingintentional and knowing what it is
we want our life to be full of.
Okay, so now I want to sharewith you some of those ways that
we can stop doing it all andthat we can let go and live lighter.
All right, so the first one iswe can learn to reframe, right?
(17:29):
We can reframe how we'reliving and what we're asking.
So how does this work?
This is an exercise.
And so get a piece of paperand a pen and you're going to think.
You're going to ask, what am Ireally responsible for?
So write down.
You can write that down.
And then.
Or you can write this down.
Is this mine to carry?
(17:49):
Or am I carrying it because Ifeel guilty or I feel needed or I
feel like I must.
All right, so what am I reallyresponsible for?
Is this mine to carry?
Or am I carrying it because.
And you can fill that in, butbecause you feel Guilty because you
feel it makes you feel neededbecause you don't think anyone else
will do it.
(18:10):
Like, what's.
What is it?
And then you're going to makea list, okay?
So below that, make a list ofwhat am I currently doing?
Okay?
And then you're going to listout every single thing you're currently
doing.
You can do that for the day,in the week, the month, however you
want to do it.
But you just want to have asnapshot of all the things you're
doing.
(18:30):
And this is everything.
This is that you're the personplanning the birthday parties this
month for your family.
You're the person makingdinner every night.
You're the person driving yourkids to carpool.
You are doing the laundry.
You're planning the vacation.
Like, write it all down,whether you do it this month or this
week or every day, okay?
And if you want to note that,you can, you know, is it daily, weekly,
(18:53):
monthly, yearly?
But once you write all thosethings down, you want to star which
ones no one's asked you to do.
In other words, star the onesthat if you didn't do it, could someone
else do it?
Could someone else beresponsible for it?
Does it have to be you?
(19:14):
Okay.
And once you get done withthis and take some time if you need
to after that, then we want tocome up with a list of what can I
let go of?
Which of these things can Ilet go of?
And later we'll talk about howwe might do that.
But this is where we startrealizing, am I holding on to and
(19:38):
am I doing all of these thingsthat I could ask for help from other
people or I could do it withsomeone else or whatever it might
be, or some things you mightjust be able to say, you know what?
Not today, friend.
Like, I'm not making dinnerseven nights a week or six nights
a week.
I'm only going to make dinnerfour nights a week the other three
(19:59):
nights.
We've got to figure it out,But I'm not going to do it right.
Like, we.
We need to have some boundaries.
All right?
The next is, this is hard fora lot of us.
How can we let other people help?
And I promise you, in so manythings people do, it is not going
to be in the same way that youwould do it or I would do it.
They will do it different.
(20:21):
But if we want to get some ofour life back, some of our hours
back, some of our sanity back,we're going to have to set down the
platter of the to do list.
Set down all the things we'retrying to take on and understand
that we're going to have tolet other people in.
Okay, so here's what you wantto ask yourself.
(20:41):
What if letting go ofperfection is actually an invitation
to deeper connection?
And then here is your task forthe week.
And no, I'm not giving youmore tasks.
I'm trying to take somethingoff your plate.
Can you delegate one thing orone task this week to someone else
and do not correct it?
(21:03):
So this is partly on you.
You can give it to someoneelse, but then you cannot tell them
they did it wrong.
So this can be that you'regoing to ask your.
Your spouse, if you'remarried, to do something, or a roommate
if you're not.
This can be that you're goingto ask a sibling.
If you have a sibling.
You know, maybe it has to dowith one of your parents.
Maybe you have older childrenand you're going to ask one of your
(21:24):
kids to do this thing.
Maybe you always do thelaundry because you want it done
a certain way, or maybe youalways vacuum because your kids don't
do it well enough.
Hello, I'm right there with you.
Because my kids do vacuum, butthey don't always do it as well as
I would do it.
Let's be honest.
They don't want to do it.
So they speed through sometimes.
(21:44):
But what is one thing you canoffload or.
Or maybe it's at work,wherever it.
Or maybe it's at your churchwhere you volunteer.
Okay, so that is, how can welet other people help?
And much like the list abovewhere you listed, what am I currently
doing besides delegating onetask to someone?
I would say go a step furtherand look at that list and write the
(22:08):
name down beside the thingsthat aren't really yours to own and
do.
Who could do this thing?
Or at least who could sharedoing the thing with you?
Maybe it's that, you know,like, I vacuum sometimes, but I have
my kids do it more oftenbecause I have other things to do,
right?
Other chores, cooking, otherthings that they're not doing.
(22:30):
So.
But I'm telling you, once youstart spending a little time on this,
and then once you startgetting used.
Comfortable with this, whichit won't be comfortable at first.
That is when over time, youstart realizing, like, oh, well,
I was gonna go pick up threethings at the store.
Well, could you ask someoneelse to go pick up the thing that
(22:51):
you forgot?
Or because you've already beento the store three times in the last
three days that's only ifyou're like me.
I mean, I go to the store, Ifeel like I bought all the things.
I even buy extra of those things.
And then on occasion I decideto make a different recipe for something
and lo and behold, I will nothave an ingredient on hand.
It is the most frustratingthing, but I usually will go back
(23:14):
to the store myself.
But on an occasion, I will askone of my kids or my spouse.
All right, so that's thesecond thing, right?
The first thing is what am Ireally responsible for in writing
a list?
Second is how can you letother people in?
How can you let other peoplehelp you or do the things and just
(23:36):
you might reflect too.
Like, what's behind that thatyou feel like you have to do all
the things?
Is it that you feel like youlearned that when you were young
if you had to get everythingdone right, A tidy room, get your
chores done, get straight A'sfor you to feel loved, even though
that might not have been thecase, that's how you felt, Is it
(23:57):
that you felt like you can'trest until everything's done because
that makes you a.
Makes you less than a great mom.
Like, what's behind your feelings?
Like, let yourself feel it.
Because the honest truth ismost of us ignore our feelings.
We just press them down, werepress them.
We don't.
We're not honest about them.
(24:18):
We suppress and repress, likeI talked about earlier.
And then we wonder why we feelstressed out and miserable and just
really irritated with maybesomeone in our life.
Because we're not.
We're not asking for help orwe've asked for help and we don't
feel like they do what we'veasked, which is a different thing,
right?
And that's something that hasto get addressed at some point.
(24:39):
All right, number three, setA, done is done limit.
Pick a daily end time, afterwhich you rest without earning it.
This is going to be differentfor everybody, depending on your
work hours, depending on yourfamily situation.
But for instance, if you say8pm I'm done, regardless of what
(25:00):
I've gotten done, maybe foryou it's 9 or 10pm I don't know.
But the dishes can wait or thelaundry can wait, the email can wait,
something can wait.
And then allow yourself to rest.
Not do the Christmas cards orthe thank you notes, not to start
going through your emails todelete them.
(25:21):
Like, say to yourself, like,I'm shutting it down.
I'm shutting down the to dosfor the day.
And if this is hard for you,maybe you just pick one night a week
that you say, you know what,after 6pm or 7pm I am taking the
night off.
Maybe that's not doable foryou multiple nights a week right
now, but maybe one night aweek is all right, so that's the
(25:43):
done is done limit.
And I know that's not easy,but I absolutely have gotten better
at this.
I've gotten better at sayingmentally I feel tapped out.
Physically I'm starting tofeel drained.
You know, normally it's afterdinner, I've been cleaning up a bit
and you know, I've gotten offmy computer and I, I feel like I'm
(26:04):
not at like normal speed, likeI'm slowing down a bit.
That's when I know it's timeto stop all the stuff, go out back,
sit outside in nature, listento the birds, you know, or maybe
a little bit later turn on themusic or maybe watch something on
tv.
All right, the next thing up,right, we're going to in this, look,
(26:29):
this is, this is somethingthat I know is not going to be easy
for everybody and it's notsomething I do all the time either.
But we're going to do anaffirmation and I get it for some
of you this is going to belike no way not happening.
But if we tell ourselves selfkind things, we're more likely to
believe it.
(26:49):
We can't always be so hard on ourselves.
And often for those of us thathave people pleasing or codependent
type patterns of behavior,right, like we do too many things,
we think we need to to do more.
We don't feel like we canrest, which I was there.
But over the years I haveshifted into.
(27:10):
I know that I need rest, Iknow that I need slowness in order
to do the work I'm doing, inorder to show up as my best self
to serve other people, right?
To do things for the peoplearound me.
Okay, so you're going to say Iam not more loved when I finish the
(27:32):
to do list.
I am loved because I am God's.
And you can obviously also addBible scripture to that if that aligns
with you.
But the, the point is I amloved and worthy even when I'm still
right.
In other words, I do not haveto do more before I rest.
(27:52):
So say any one of those things.
You can make up your ownstatement, but start telling yourself
something so that you arereminded that you do not have to
check off your entire to dolist to do everything on your list
before you can sit down andtake a break.
Because how are we going toshow up tomorrow in tomorrow's day
(28:13):
if we never have a minute torest or renew or reflect?
We're just not.
Because eventually thatpattern is going to burn us out.
Okay.
All right, the next thing, thelast one I want to share with you
is a another thing to writedown or a journal prompt.
And here is what we're goingto ask.
(28:35):
Where did I learn I had to bethe one who holds it all together.
Let that sink in.
Now, for some of us, thismight be the question to ask.
Where did I learn I had to bethe one who holds it all together.
But for some of you, it mightbe a slightly different statement.
It might be, where did I learnthat I had to make everyone happy?
(29:01):
Where did I learn that to feelloved, I had to make sure I took
care of everyone else's needs?
And maybe those questionsbring something up for you.
Write that down.
Maybe it's different, but.
But I'm gonna guess we allhave something deep down we haven't.
(29:22):
Maybe we haven't even thoughtof yet, but that there's something
behind all the things we're doing.
And when I say all the thingsI should say, all the extra things
are piling on right where wesay, I better just do it, they're
not gonna do it, or they'renot doing it the way I want it, or,
you know, oh, I can just do everything.
You don't have to bring anything.
Like, I'll just, I'll makeeverything right.
(29:43):
Like, what, what are the patterns?
And then after you write downthat question, start thinking about
and write down what comes to you.
Like, can you think of familypatterns or beliefs you have, maybe
church messages or culture?
What did it tell you?
That can be about being aparent, about being a godly woman,
(30:06):
it can be about just being a woman.
It can be about being part ofyour family, how they always were.
But just start figuring out,was something said or did you have
to be a certain way, you know,when you were young, and that's the
only way that you gotattention or felt loved or felt like
you.
(30:26):
They gave you a gold star,like your parents or your church
or whatever.
And then you can ask yourself,is that still serving me or costing
me my peace?
Right?
Like, is this concept or arethese things, are these beliefs,
is it serving me or is itcosting me my peace?
And really think about, canyou change that pattern?
(30:50):
And here's the good news.
There are so many books thattalk about and address, you know,
people pleasing patterns aboutchanging how we look at things about
changing our patterns, our habits.
And one book I've dug into inthe last couple months is the Let
Them Theory by Mel Robbins.
(31:11):
That's a really good book.
And it's really just aboutletting everyone in your life be
them.
It's about letting us realizethat we, we do not have to control
them or our circumstances.
The only thing we control isus and our response.
So it's a really great, areally honest book and it has great
(31:34):
tools and tips about this LetThem theory.
But I'll just share one littlebit with you in it.
Okay.
So she says the real reasonyou are exhausted all the time.
And she says, according to Dr.Aditi, seven out of 10 people are
currently living in a chronicstate of stress.
(31:54):
And she says, I used to be oneof them.
When you live in a state ofchronic stress, you are locked in
a constant state of fight or flight.
Your amygdala is humming inthe background, always on.
And then she goes on later tosay, which is why you must solve
this problem.
Stop allowing other people tocreate unnecessary, unnecessary stress
in your life.
There's too much at stake.
(32:15):
You deserve to live a goodlife, but you'll never be able to
if you're always in survival mode.
You'll never get that projectdone this weekend if you keep procrastinating
because of stress.
You need to have more fun, butyou won't allow yourself to have
it.
If you can't disconnect fromwork, you should be more present
and connected to your spouse.
But you never will if you'reconstantly doom scrolling the life
(32:36):
you've always wanted, excuseme, is right in front of you.
But you will never reach forit if your inner critic is constantly
telling you not to.
Stress is a major problem andit's time to deal with it.
And she goes on and talksabout that, but I'm gonna skip and
just share this one bit with you.
It says, own your reactions.
Take your power back.
(32:56):
On that note, let's go back tome on the plane with the guy who's
coughing behind me.
I'm getting more and more stressed.
I can't focus on the work Ineed to get done.
And I feel like a caged animalsitting there strapped to my seat.
So how do I use the let them,let them theory to get someone to
stop coughing?
You don't.
You have to let them cough.
Let them.
I know.
Hear me out.
(33:17):
Yes, it was stressing me out.
Yes, I thought he was rude fornot covering his mouth.
And yes, I was worried aboutgetting Sick.
But let's come back to control.
What could I control in this situation?
I couldn't control whether ornot another person was coughing.
I could only control how Iresponded to the coughing.
Focusing on what you can'tcontrol makes you stressed.
Focusing on what you cancontrol makes you powerful.
(33:38):
And that brings me to anotherimportant point.
Who is responsible for me notgetting sick?
Me or the stranger on a plane?
Me.
I'm responsible for my health.
It's not the guy'sresponsibility to stop coughing because
I want him to.
It's my responsibility torespond in a way that takes care
of my needs.
I know what you are thinking.
Shouldn't everybody covertheir mouth?
Shouldn't everybody wash their hands?
(34:00):
Shouldn't everybody followbasic guidelines of decency?
Of course they should.
But a lot of people don't.
My point is trying to managesomeone else or a situation that
is beyond your control is onlygoing to cause more stress.
I could get mad.
I could keep turning around.
I could yell at the flight attendant.
I could get frustrated andyell at the guy.
But to what end?
Isn't there a more obvious andpowerful solution right in front
(34:22):
of my face?
I'm offering you a pragmaticand strategic approach to life.
Instead of getting enraged inmy seat, I just let him cough.
And then I let me focus on thesimple actions I could take in order
to protect myself.
I'm going to cover my nose andmouth with my scarf, I thought, and
I'm going to put my headphoneson to drown out the coughing.
(34:43):
And that's what I did.
And with my scarf over my noseand mouth, I turned up my music and
my headphones.
Problem solved.
Every time you say let them,you acknowledge that you cannot control
the situation is stressing you out.
When you say let me, you arefollowing Dr. Aditi's advice and
focusing on what you cancontrol, which is your response to
these stress, stressful situations.
(35:05):
Right?
So friends, what I want to sayas we wrap up is just this.
You don't have to do it all.
So you can let go.
You can lean in to designingand creating a life that you want
to have.
You don't have to say yes to everything.
You can quit things onThursdays, which I'll explain in
(35:28):
a minute.
And you can let people be.
You can stop trying to controlcircumstances, stop trying to control
people on how they do something.
You can stop trying to beeverything, everybody.
Because there's no way we canmaintain that level.
And you can allow yourself torest and live lighter.
(35:49):
The quitting things on Thursday.
I shared this on my otherpodcast this week, but it's basically
Bob Goff talks about on everyThursday he quits something.
And normally he says they'regood things he quits.
He might quit being on a boardfor a nonprofit.
He might quit, you know, Idon't know.
Certain phone call he has, buthe quit something because he says,
(36:10):
I have a lot of good things inmy life, but my, my schedule gets
too full.
So I have a day where I quit things.
Now, it doesn't mean he neverallows new things in, but his point
is, every week he reassesses,what do I need to let go of?
And that's what I would say to you.
Let them live their lives theway they're going to live it.
Let go of the things that areno longer serving or fulfilling you.
(36:32):
You.
And let go of the tasks andresponsibility or people pleasing.
That is not giving you peaceand it is not helping you, especially
if someone else can do it.
And I should just say this.
There are going to be timesand seasons where we have to do more
(36:52):
than is humanly possible.
There are going to be days ortimes or seasons where there is no
one else.
Right?
If you are in a caregivingseason and you are the primary caregiver,
if you're going through adiagnosis, I understand that.
But you still can ask for help.
You can still do what you haveto do and have moments where you
(37:15):
say, I need to rest.
That's what I need.
Or maybe line someone up tocaregive for you so that you can
get a break.
But I do understand there arecircumstances where that is not feasible
or likely in certain situations.
And to you, I would just saydo what you can in the moments that
(37:36):
you have to be renewed torefresh yourself.
That might be just readingsomething uplifting.
It might be just having aquiet moment, taking a minute to
pray, taking a minute to meditate.
But there's usually a way forward.
And I get it that there arecertain seasons that are exhausting
(37:58):
and it's not our doing.
And I absolutely understand that.
And I'm.
I'm here with you and, andjust encourage you.
Just find someone, a supportgroup, a friend that you can at least
offload your feelings, yourexhaustion, because sometimes we
just need to release thattension, even if we can't physically
(38:20):
change our situation or evenif we don't have someone to take
some of our responsibilityaway from us.
So until next time, I hopethis episode gave you some food for
thought.
I hope that you can takesomething away from it and I will
just share with you.
In the last couple months Ihave really had to kind of pause
producing regular content forbuilding a life you love podcast
(38:42):
for the most part.
Continued the Faithfield WomanPodcast the honest truth is, over
the last couple months I wasstruggling with trying to do too
many things, feelingoverwhelmed, walking through grief
of my dad passing, a friend passing.
Even this week I had a friendpass two days ago and believe me,
(39:04):
I didn't get much of anythingdone yesterday or the day before.
I mean nothing really.
And that's okay.
But what I'm why I'm bringingthis up is I will be getting back
to this.
I will be coming to you in thecoming month or two with new conversations
and guest interviews andpowerful tools and resources because
(39:24):
it is important to me.
But I just was in a seasonwhere I couldn't carry it.
I had to set it down and thensee how I could reach, revamp and
redesign it to align with howI've changed and where I'm at in
life.
And so I'm still going to behere for you.
And in the meantime, check outmy website, KristinFitch.com I have
(39:47):
a couple really greatresources there for you.
One is called Rewire your mindand it is a free download where it
helps you go through someexercises, much like things that
I share today to help youshift your perspective and shift
your mindset.
So that might be a great toolfor you after listening to today's
episode.
(40:08):
And you'll also then be partof my email newsletter, part of my
community.
So until next time, I hopethat you find some time to just live
a little lighter and let go of something.
And thanks again for listening in.
And if you enjoyed the show,we'd to love love it if you'd subscribe
and leave us a review andrating on Apple Podcasts or wherever
(40:30):
you listen to podcasts.
And you can check out freebiesand resources we have for you@kristenfitch.com
and if you have ideas for theshow or guests that you'd like to
recommend, I'd love to hearfrom you.
So DM me on Instagramhristenfitch or you can email me
from the website.
Thanks so much.
Until next time, have a great week.
Hey, and welcome back to the show.
This is your host, Kristen.
Today we are going to talkabout you don't have to do it all.
How can we let go, lean in andlive lighter?
Because so many of us areholding on to so much, so many of
us are trying to do it all foreveryone and then wondering why we're
exhausted.
So we're going to talk aboutwhat are five steps that we can take
(00:23):
to try to release that part ofus, right, that wants to hold on
to that control.
We're going to talk about whyit's so important to let other people
do things for us or and alsojust why mentally, physically, from
a stress perspective, this isso important and why we don't need
(00:46):
to earn rest.
So that's what we're going totalk about today.
Have you ever imaginedbuilding a life you love but got
stuck in between the what ifs,expectations and obligations in your
life?
Welcome to Building a life youLove, the podcast dedicated to helping
you step into a life whereyour passion blossoms from within,
your faith deepens, andsimplicity becomes your favorite
synonym for everyday life.
(01:07):
Hi, I'm your host, Kristin, anencourager, a faith led entrepreneur,
a mom and a wife.
Join me each week as we diveinto creating positive habits, stepping
out of your comfort zone,making space for meaningful work
and relationships.
I'm going to bring youpractical tips, uplift, lifting conversations
and expertise, guidance thatyou can use.
So why wait?
Step off the path ofexpectations and into a space that
(01:29):
feels genuinely yours.
Subscribe now to building alife you love and let's begin this
transformative journeytogether towards joy, peace and purpose.
So here's the first thing.
I have absolutely been in thisplace and I know so many of you probably
can relate this as well.
We try to do 16 things in aday or we say yes to everything.
(01:49):
And in some cases no one evenasked us to do anything.
But we still take it on.
There's so many reasons for this.
For some of it, some of us,it's people pleasing.
For some of it us, it's a codependency.
For some of us, it's becausewe don't even realize what subconsciously
we feel like we are.
We validate our existence orthat we can't rest until we do right,
(02:15):
until we accomplish.
And so a lot of these patternsstart when we're young, right?
We saw something or heardsomething or we internalize something,
even if it isn't the messagethat someone wanted to convey to
us, especially if we were young.
But we started basicallyacting in These patterns, you know
that.
Or maybe it's my kids cannever do it right or my spouse can
(02:38):
never do it right, so I justdo it.
I don't even ask them.
But once again, we're layeringon top of ourselves.
More burdens, more a longer todo list.
And then we're wondering why.
We're burned out, we're exhausted.
We don't feel like we have alot of joy in our lives.
But it's because we aren'tconditioning ourselves to say no.
(02:58):
We're not conditioningourselves to let other people help,
even imperfectly.
We are not allowing otherpeople to participate.
And because of all of that,we're worn out.
And I don't know about you,but I'm done.
I am ready to say no.
I have walked through thosedays and I don't want to keep walking
(03:19):
through those days anymore.
I don't want to feel guiltybecause I say I don't have the energy
to do X, Y or Z today.
In some cases, it might be thelaundry or it might be dinner or
maybe it's that I feelprompted to go visit somebody.
And I, believe me, I am asocial person, so I love my time
(03:39):
with people.
But there are some times whereI feel pressure, right?
Because I haven't seen acertain person a while.
And so I start feelingpressure, then I start feeling guilty,
or, you know, it.
But it starts weighing on me and.
And I'm going to say, enough.
I don't want to feel that way anymore.
Listen, I gave up doing thelaundry for my whole household many
(04:02):
years ago.
Now my sons are college age orjust passed.
They all live at home asthey're going through college or
looking or getting that firstcareer job.
But here's the thing.
I don't mind doing laundry,especially if it's towels and blankets.
And I will definitely still do that.
But what I quit is I quitfolding clothes.
Now my husband does it, or wegrab our own clothes.
(04:25):
And sometimes it means thatbeside the dryer there's a pile of
clothes because someone didn'tget their clothes.
But I have decided that I ammore willing to stay see that pile
of clothing, sit there, eventhough I do not like it, versus having
to be the person that wasresponsible for folding the clothes
and much rather cook dinnerand do other things.
And so today's conversation isall about you don't have to do it
(04:48):
all.
And you can give yourpermission to yourself to let it
go, to say it's okay, we donot have to be perfect or even try
to be perfect.
And so today is all about howcan we live lighter.
I'm going to give you fivetips or in tools and shifts that
can help you reframe trying todo it all for everyone else and maybe
(05:14):
what's behind some of these things.
But before we do, I'm justgoing to share a couple things with
you.
First is most women, we tendto have a tend and befriend stress
response.
And what is that?
It's, it's where women oftenrespond to stress by caring for others
more than other people.
(05:34):
Right.
We over give, we overdo.
We want to make sureeveryone's needs are taken care of.
And one study was from ShellyTaylor at UCLA center for the Neurobiology
of Stress.
But basically over giving andoverdoing it doesn't.
(05:55):
It is not healthy long termfor us.
And I've shared this before, Idon't know if I've shared it recently
on this podcast, but 80% ofall chronic illness diagnoses are
in women.
And the reason they say thatis the case is because women either
repress or suppress.
I'm sorry, women more than menis what I should say.
(06:16):
We repress and we suppress ourneeds and desires because we put
other people first.
We are the caregivers, we arethe helpers, which is a good thing.
But it is not a good thing ifit's to the detriment of our mental
and physical health.
And so we have got to startrealizing that us doing too much,
taking on too many things,adding to our to do list, never saying
(06:40):
no, never taking a break or anight off, it is harming us.
It is not just our stress level.
It is harming us physically,it's harming us mentally.
It may be hurting our relationships.
Right.
Straining them.
And so this is really important.
This is not just a, oh, that'dbe great, but you know what, I have
a lot to do, so sorry.
Right.
(07:00):
That's, that's not it.
This is actually hurting ourquality of life and our long term
health outcomes.
Okay.
The next is.
Dr. Robin Miller said themental load is the thinking work
women do that's never seen andnever stops.
How many of you can relate to this?
I know I can.
(07:21):
And there is a 2021 BrightHorizons survey that says 86% of
women manage all familyresponsibilities, even when working
full time.
And the, the invisible laborcontributes to burnout, resentment
and lack of rest.
So what are we talking about here?
We are talking about that in alot of households, whether married
(07:42):
or single.
Right.
A divorced woman, she isplanning, organizing, taking possibly,
you know, kids to appointments.
And I'm not saying men don'tdo that.
Obviously men do do that, butoften it's more women.
But we're also thinking about,what do we need for the party?
What are the gifts we have toget for the upcoming event or party?
(08:03):
Did I get birthday cards?
You know, like, what am Igoing to make for dinner?
Even when we go on a trip, ifit's not where you're going to eat
out every meal, you're stillplanning, what is everything I have
to bring?
Do I need to bring toiletpaper, paper towels?
Do I need to bring beachtowels and regular towels?
Do I need to bring the saltand the oil in the, you know, storage
(08:24):
containers or Ziploc baggies?
But we are constantly thinkingof every single thing that we need
to remember because typicallyno one else is going to do it.
So it's either we do it orthis is how we feel, or it will not
get done.
So that is the mental loadthat a lot of times people don't
(08:44):
even see beyond the possiblehousework, beyond maybe the other
things you do around thehouse, whether it's the laundry or
making dinner or all of the above.
Those are on top of all thephysical demands that we have on
ourselves and all the locationdemands, meaning the.
All the places we have to goand be for the people we love or
(09:07):
the people we're helping.
All right, the next thing isfor those of you that are faith based.
I, you know, I share this manytimes and I talk about my faith on
the podcast.
You know, I am a Christian,and for me, this is true.
So whether you're a Christianor not, this is an important concept.
Rest is biblical and necessary.
(09:29):
Now, if you're someone that'sfaith based, like me, you're going
to, you know, know about theSabbath and understand that.
But basically, the Sabbath wasdesigned by God, and it's not for
us to be punished.
The Sabbath is actuallysupposed to be a day of rest, a day
of renewal and refreshing, aday to connect with God, with other
(09:50):
people.
And then it's also a day thatwe're supposed to delight and find
joy in our lives, right?
In a slower pace, gettingoutside in, you know, big nature,
you know, seeing God and allthe small miraculous things.
The seed that's become aflower, the tree that's bearing fruit,
you know, whatever it is.
(10:12):
And Dallas Willard said thisquote that I really like.
He says, if you do not comeapart for a while, you'll come apart.
In other words, if you don'ttake a rest, it's going to take over
you.
And I can't find it in thisbook, but I thought it was in the
book, let's call it theRuthless Elimination of Hurry by
(10:35):
John Mark Comer.
But whether it was in thisbook or another book, basically what
he gives an example of isthere is a pastor and he, for I think
it was close to a year, hedidn't take a break.
Obviously, pastors usuallywork on Sunday, which can be considered
the traditional Sabbath,Saturday or Sunday.
Right.
Depends on when you start it.
(10:56):
But a lot of times pastorsmight take a Sabbath on a Monday
or some other day, but hedidn't take a Sabbath.
He was just busy all the time.
He never rested.
Well, he ended up burning outand having to take an actual break,
right?
Like step away from the church.
And it took him as many daysof to recover or weeks.
(11:17):
I can't remember that it wasthat he didn't take the Sabbath.
In other words, we can try toavoid it.
We can try to pretend we don'tneed this rest day each week.
But we've been designed,humans have been designed to take
a day where we rest.
Whichever day it is isn't as important.
If we don't take that day, ifwe just work seven days a week, if
(11:40):
we just toil seven days aweek, it will eventually catch up
with us.
Maybe not in a week, maybe notin a month or even a year, but eventually
we will have burnout or wewill have a health crisis or something
else.
We were literally designed totake a break from all of the work
that we're doing the rest ofthe week.
It is a day to cherish andacknowledge all the blessings that
(12:04):
we have in our lives.
And so that's just somebackground that I wanted to kind
of set up before we stepthrough, through some specific tools
in mindset shifts that we can have.
Okay.
And I did want to share thisquote with you.
It's by Bob Goff in his bookUndistracted, and he's talking about
happiness.
(12:25):
But it.
I think this has a lot to dowith doing too much and allowing
ourselves to let go of some ofthe stuff we're doing.
Here's what he says.
Okay.
How many decisions would youguess you make in a typical day?
A dozen?
100?
Does 1000 sound a little closer?
Get this.
(12:45):
Each of US makes about 35,000decisions every day.
More if you spend an hour in acandy store.
Some decisions are mundane andsome are major.
We decide where we will live.
If we will marry and who wewill marry.
Sorry, we decide.
Let's see, the job we willaccept and the one we will quit.
(13:06):
The car we will buy or the buswe will take, the cake or the vegetables
we'll eat Anyways, he goes onto say who will who we will believe
and who we won't, where wewill go and how long we'll stay,
the faith we will embrace orignore, and the countless other decisions.
But here's the important partI wanted to share, he says.
Here's a surprising thing, though.
(13:27):
Most of us never decide to behappy, I bet most of us think.
I mean, most of us think happyis a result of other choices.
But that's not at all.
That's not all of it.
Sure, circumstances can betruly awful, but feeling happy is
a choice just like any other.
It's not that we don't want tobe happy.
We just get distracted by somany unhappy things that we never
(13:48):
get back around to happiness.
Perhaps we think we need aninvitation or permission to be happy.
And what if we want happyfeelings to transition into a deep
and abiding joy with longershelf life?
And basically he just saysmost people think they'll find happiness
(14:09):
at home, but the hard truth isthey aren't around long enough to
experience what's alreadywaiting for them there.
Simple and complicateddistractions take us away from the
people we love.
When this occurs, the resultis both subtle and toxic.
We start to settle forproximity rather than presence with
each other.
Know what I mean?
You will know this ishappening if you only listen for
(14:31):
the highlights in your lovedones conversations without taking
note of the emotions and bodylanguage that are also present in
the room.
These distractions are maskedin familiar disguises like career
appointments and promotions.
They invade our homes and cometo trust as extracurricular activities,
sports and electronic screens.
They look like business callsand video games and zoom conferences
(14:53):
and television shows incommittees and meetings and sometimes
even churches.
If we want to live moreundistracted lives, we need to get
real and admit that busynessis actually hijacking our joy.
Here's the good news.
We can fix all this just aseasily as we messed it up.
Get a couple of baseballgloves and talk to your loved one
about your day as you throwthe ball around.
(15:14):
If you answer your cell phonewhile playing catch, you lose teeth.
This is what it looks like toreally get some skin in the game.
And he says do this with someurgency too.
You don't have as much time asyou think you have.
Take it from a guy who's beenaround for a while.
There's a saying that I foundto be generally true.
The days are long, but theyears are short.
If you fill your days withtrivial stuff, you will look up one
(15:35):
day in a year or a decade or ahalf century will have passed.
Don't wait until you're old toask yourself, what have I done with
all that time?
Why not ask yourself right now?
What am I going to do with allthe time ahead of me?
What do you want your answerto be?
Once you've decided what youwant your future to look like, make
a couple of moves like yourlife actually is actually yours to
(15:59):
live.
Because it is.
Quit the job, call the friend,make the apology, launch the dream.
Take the shot.
Heaven is just hoping we will.
Oh, and while we're talkingabout right instead sorry that we
don't have to do it all, Ithink we also need to reflect.
(16:22):
And we need to do the right things.
We need to be present and weneed to put people before tasks and
people before extra work hours.
And we need to say no to thethings that are hurting our relationships.
No to the things that allow usto tap into our talents and our gifts.
(16:42):
Because if you never say no,then someone else is creating or
deciding what you spend yourtime on during your day.
Say no, I'm not going to makeit to the volunteer meeting.
Say no, my kid can't come tonight.
We have a family dinner.
Say no to your boss that youcannot work until 10pm when you're
supposed to give up at 5.
(17:04):
We have to take back controlof our lives.
But that starts with beingintentional and knowing what it is
we want our life to be full of.
Okay, so now I want to sharewith you some of those ways that
we can stop doing it all andthat we can let go and live lighter.
All right, so the first one iswe can learn to reframe, right?
(17:29):
We can reframe how we'reliving and what we're asking.
So how does this work?
This is an exercise.
And so get a piece of paperand a pen and you're going to think.
You're going to ask, what am Ireally responsible for?
So write down.
You can write that down.
And then.
Or you can write this down.
Is this mine to carry?
(17:49):
Or am I carrying it because Ifeel guilty or I feel needed or I
feel like I must.
All right, so what am I reallyresponsible for?
Is this mine to carry?
Or am I carrying it because.
And you can fill that in, butbecause you feel Guilty because you
feel it makes you feel neededbecause you don't think anyone else
will do it.
(18:10):
Like, what's.
What is it?
And then you're going to makea list, okay?
So below that, make a list ofwhat am I currently doing?
Okay?
And then you're going to listout every single thing you're currently
doing.
You can do that for the day,in the week, the month, however you
want to do it.
But you just want to have asnapshot of all the things you're
doing.
(18:30):
And this is everything.
This is that you're the personplanning the birthday parties this
month for your family.
You're the person makingdinner every night.
You're the person driving yourkids to carpool.
You are doing the laundry.
You're planning the vacation.
Like, write it all down,whether you do it this month or this
week or every day, okay?
And if you want to note that,you can, you know, is it daily, weekly,
(18:53):
monthly, yearly?
But once you write all thosethings down, you want to star which
ones no one's asked you to do.
In other words, star the onesthat if you didn't do it, could someone
else do it?
Could someone else beresponsible for it?
Does it have to be you?
(19:14):
Okay.
And once you get done withthis and take some time if you need
to after that, then we want tocome up with a list of what can I
let go of?
Which of these things can Ilet go of?
And later we'll talk about howwe might do that.
But this is where we startrealizing, am I holding on to and
(19:38):
am I doing all of these thingsthat I could ask for help from other
people or I could do it withsomeone else or whatever it might
be, or some things you mightjust be able to say, you know what?
Not today, friend.
Like, I'm not making dinnerseven nights a week or six nights
a week.
I'm only going to make dinnerfour nights a week the other three
(19:59):
nights.
We've got to figure it out,But I'm not going to do it right.
Like, we.
We need to have some boundaries.
All right?
The next is, this is hard fora lot of us.
How can we let other people help?
And I promise you, in so manythings people do, it is not going
to be in the same way that youwould do it or I would do it.
They will do it different.
(20:21):
But if we want to get some ofour life back, some of our hours
back, some of our sanity back,we're going to have to set down the
platter of the to do list.
Set down all the things we'retrying to take on and understand
that we're going to have tolet other people in.
Okay, so here's what you wantto ask yourself.
(20:41):
What if letting go ofperfection is actually an invitation
to deeper connection?
And then here is your task forthe week.
And no, I'm not giving youmore tasks.
I'm trying to take somethingoff your plate.
Can you delegate one thing orone task this week to someone else
and do not correct it?
(21:03):
So this is partly on you.
You can give it to someoneelse, but then you cannot tell them
they did it wrong.
So this can be that you'regoing to ask your.
Your spouse, if you'remarried, to do something, or a roommate
if you're not.
This can be that you're goingto ask a sibling.
If you have a sibling.
You know, maybe it has to dowith one of your parents.
Maybe you have older childrenand you're going to ask one of your
(21:24):
kids to do this thing.
Maybe you always do thelaundry because you want it done
a certain way, or maybe youalways vacuum because your kids don't
do it well enough.
Hello, I'm right there with you.
Because my kids do vacuum, butthey don't always do it as well as
I would do it.
Let's be honest.
They don't want to do it.
So they speed through sometimes.
(21:44):
But what is one thing you canoffload or.
Or maybe it's at work,wherever it.
Or maybe it's at your churchwhere you volunteer.
Okay, so that is, how can welet other people help?
And much like the list abovewhere you listed, what am I currently
doing besides delegating onetask to someone?
I would say go a step furtherand look at that list and write the
(22:08):
name down beside the thingsthat aren't really yours to own and
do.
Who could do this thing?
Or at least who could sharedoing the thing with you?
Maybe it's that, you know,like, I vacuum sometimes, but I have
my kids do it more oftenbecause I have other things to do,
right?
Other chores, cooking, otherthings that they're not doing.
(22:30):
So.
But I'm telling you, once youstart spending a little time on this,
and then once you startgetting used.
Comfortable with this, whichit won't be comfortable at first.
That is when over time, youstart realizing, like, oh, well,
I was gonna go pick up threethings at the store.
Well, could you ask someoneelse to go pick up the thing that
(22:51):
you forgot?
Or because you've already beento the store three times in the last
three days that's only ifyou're like me.
I mean, I go to the store, Ifeel like I bought all the things.
I even buy extra of those things.
And then on occasion I decideto make a different recipe for something
and lo and behold, I will nothave an ingredient on hand.
It is the most frustratingthing, but I usually will go back
(23:14):
to the store myself.
But on an occasion, I will askone of my kids or my spouse.
All right, so that's thesecond thing, right?
The first thing is what am Ireally responsible for in writing
a list?
Second is how can you letother people in?
How can you let other peoplehelp you or do the things and just
(23:36):
you might reflect too.
Like, what's behind that thatyou feel like you have to do all
the things?
Is it that you feel like youlearned that when you were young
if you had to get everythingdone right, A tidy room, get your
chores done, get straight A'sfor you to feel loved, even though
that might not have been thecase, that's how you felt, Is it
(23:57):
that you felt like you can'trest until everything's done because
that makes you a.
Makes you less than a great mom.
Like, what's behind your feelings?
Like, let yourself feel it.
Because the honest truth ismost of us ignore our feelings.
We just press them down, werepress them.
We don't.
We're not honest about them.
(24:18):
We suppress and repress, likeI talked about earlier.
And then we wonder why we feelstressed out and miserable and just
really irritated with maybesomeone in our life.
Because we're not.
We're not asking for help orwe've asked for help and we don't
feel like they do what we'veasked, which is a different thing,
right?
And that's something that hasto get addressed at some point.
(24:39):
All right, number three, setA, done is done limit.
Pick a daily end time, afterwhich you rest without earning it.
This is going to be differentfor everybody, depending on your
work hours, depending on yourfamily situation.
But for instance, if you say8pm I'm done, regardless of what
(25:00):
I've gotten done, maybe foryou it's 9 or 10pm I don't know.
But the dishes can wait or thelaundry can wait, the email can wait,
something can wait.
And then allow yourself to rest.
Not do the Christmas cards orthe thank you notes, not to start
going through your emails todelete them.
(25:21):
Like, say to yourself, like,I'm shutting it down.
I'm shutting down the to dosfor the day.
And if this is hard for you,maybe you just pick one night a week
that you say, you know what,after 6pm or 7pm I am taking the
night off.
Maybe that's not doable foryou multiple nights a week right
now, but maybe one night aweek is all right, so that's the
(25:43):
done is done limit.
And I know that's not easy,but I absolutely have gotten better
at this.
I've gotten better at sayingmentally I feel tapped out.
Physically I'm starting tofeel drained.
You know, normally it's afterdinner, I've been cleaning up a bit
and you know, I've gotten offmy computer and I, I feel like I'm
(26:04):
not at like normal speed, likeI'm slowing down a bit.
That's when I know it's timeto stop all the stuff, go out back,
sit outside in nature, listento the birds, you know, or maybe
a little bit later turn on themusic or maybe watch something on
tv.
All right, the next thing up,right, we're going to in this, look,
(26:29):
this is, this is somethingthat I know is not going to be easy
for everybody and it's notsomething I do all the time either.
But we're going to do anaffirmation and I get it for some
of you this is going to belike no way not happening.
But if we tell ourselves selfkind things, we're more likely to
believe it.
(26:49):
We can't always be so hard on ourselves.
And often for those of us thathave people pleasing or codependent
type patterns of behavior,right, like we do too many things,
we think we need to to do more.
We don't feel like we canrest, which I was there.
But over the years I haveshifted into.
(27:10):
I know that I need rest, Iknow that I need slowness in order
to do the work I'm doing, inorder to show up as my best self
to serve other people, right?
To do things for the peoplearound me.
Okay, so you're going to say Iam not more loved when I finish the
(27:32):
to do list.
I am loved because I am God's.
And you can obviously also addBible scripture to that if that aligns
with you.
But the, the point is I amloved and worthy even when I'm still
right.
In other words, I do not haveto do more before I rest.
(27:52):
So say any one of those things.
You can make up your ownstatement, but start telling yourself
something so that you arereminded that you do not have to
check off your entire to dolist to do everything on your list
before you can sit down andtake a break.
Because how are we going toshow up tomorrow in tomorrow's day
(28:13):
if we never have a minute torest or renew or reflect?
We're just not.
Because eventually thatpattern is going to burn us out.
Okay.
All right, the next thing, thelast one I want to share with you
is a another thing to writedown or a journal prompt.
And here is what we're goingto ask.
(28:35):
Where did I learn I had to bethe one who holds it all together.
Let that sink in.
Now, for some of us, thismight be the question to ask.
Where did I learn I had to bethe one who holds it all together.
But for some of you, it mightbe a slightly different statement.
It might be, where did I learnthat I had to make everyone happy?
(29:01):
Where did I learn that to feelloved, I had to make sure I took
care of everyone else's needs?
And maybe those questionsbring something up for you.
Write that down.
Maybe it's different, but.
But I'm gonna guess we allhave something deep down we haven't.
(29:22):
Maybe we haven't even thoughtof yet, but that there's something
behind all the things we're doing.
And when I say all the thingsI should say, all the extra things
are piling on right where wesay, I better just do it, they're
not gonna do it, or they'renot doing it the way I want it, or,
you know, oh, I can just do everything.
You don't have to bring anything.
Like, I'll just, I'll makeeverything right.
(29:43):
Like, what, what are the patterns?
And then after you write downthat question, start thinking about
and write down what comes to you.
Like, can you think of familypatterns or beliefs you have, maybe
church messages or culture?
What did it tell you?
That can be about being aparent, about being a godly woman,
(30:06):
it can be about just being a woman.
It can be about being part ofyour family, how they always were.
But just start figuring out,was something said or did you have
to be a certain way, you know,when you were young, and that's the
only way that you gotattention or felt loved or felt like
you.
(30:26):
They gave you a gold star,like your parents or your church
or whatever.
And then you can ask yourself,is that still serving me or costing
me my peace?
Right?
Like, is this concept or arethese things, are these beliefs,
is it serving me or is itcosting me my peace?
And really think about, canyou change that pattern?
(30:50):
And here's the good news.
There are so many books thattalk about and address, you know,
people pleasing patterns aboutchanging how we look at things about
changing our patterns, our habits.
And one book I've dug into inthe last couple months is the Let
Them Theory by Mel Robbins.
(31:11):
That's a really good book.
And it's really just aboutletting everyone in your life be
them.
It's about letting us realizethat we, we do not have to control
them or our circumstances.
The only thing we control isus and our response.
So it's a really great, areally honest book and it has great
(31:34):
tools and tips about this LetThem theory.
But I'll just share one littlebit with you in it.
Okay.
So she says the real reasonyou are exhausted all the time.
And she says, according to Dr.Aditi, seven out of 10 people are
currently living in a chronicstate of stress.
(31:54):
And she says, I used to be oneof them.
When you live in a state ofchronic stress, you are locked in
a constant state of fight or flight.
Your amygdala is humming inthe background, always on.
And then she goes on later tosay, which is why you must solve
this problem.
Stop allowing other people tocreate unnecessary, unnecessary stress
in your life.
There's too much at stake.
(32:15):
You deserve to live a goodlife, but you'll never be able to
if you're always in survival mode.
You'll never get that projectdone this weekend if you keep procrastinating
because of stress.
You need to have more fun, butyou won't allow yourself to have
it.
If you can't disconnect fromwork, you should be more present
and connected to your spouse.
But you never will if you'reconstantly doom scrolling the life
(32:36):
you've always wanted, excuseme, is right in front of you.
But you will never reach forit if your inner critic is constantly
telling you not to.
Stress is a major problem andit's time to deal with it.
And she goes on and talksabout that, but I'm gonna skip and
just share this one bit with you.
It says, own your reactions.
Take your power back.
(32:56):
On that note, let's go back tome on the plane with the guy who's
coughing behind me.
I'm getting more and more stressed.
I can't focus on the work Ineed to get done.
And I feel like a caged animalsitting there strapped to my seat.
So how do I use the let them,let them theory to get someone to
stop coughing?
You don't.
You have to let them cough.
Let them.
I know.
Hear me out.
(33:17):
Yes, it was stressing me out.
Yes, I thought he was rude fornot covering his mouth.
And yes, I was worried aboutgetting Sick.
But let's come back to control.
What could I control in this situation?
I couldn't control whether ornot another person was coughing.
I could only control how Iresponded to the coughing.
Focusing on what you can'tcontrol makes you stressed.
Focusing on what you cancontrol makes you powerful.
(33:38):
And that brings me to anotherimportant point.
Who is responsible for me notgetting sick?
Me or the stranger on a plane?
Me.
I'm responsible for my health.
It's not the guy'sresponsibility to stop coughing because
I want him to.
It's my responsibility torespond in a way that takes care
of my needs.
I know what you are thinking.
Shouldn't everybody covertheir mouth?
Shouldn't everybody wash their hands?
(34:00):
Shouldn't everybody followbasic guidelines of decency?
Of course they should.
But a lot of people don't.
My point is trying to managesomeone else or a situation that
is beyond your control is onlygoing to cause more stress.
I could get mad.
I could keep turning around.
I could yell at the flight attendant.
I could get frustrated andyell at the guy.
But to what end?
Isn't there a more obvious andpowerful solution right in front
(34:22):
of my face?
I'm offering you a pragmaticand strategic approach to life.
Instead of getting enraged inmy seat, I just let him cough.
And then I let me focus on thesimple actions I could take in order
to protect myself.
I'm going to cover my nose andmouth with my scarf, I thought, and
I'm going to put my headphoneson to drown out the coughing.
(34:43):
And that's what I did.
And with my scarf over my noseand mouth, I turned up my music and
my headphones.
Problem solved.
Every time you say let them,you acknowledge that you cannot control
the situation is stressing you out.
When you say let me, you arefollowing Dr. Aditi's advice and
focusing on what you cancontrol, which is your response to
these stress, stressful situations.
(35:05):
Right?
So friends, what I want to sayas we wrap up is just this.
You don't have to do it all.
So you can let go.
You can lean in to designingand creating a life that you want
to have.
You don't have to say yes to everything.
You can quit things onThursdays, which I'll explain in
(35:28):
a minute.
And you can let people be.
You can stop trying to controlcircumstances, stop trying to control
people on how they do something.
You can stop trying to beeverything, everybody.
Because there's no way we canmaintain that level.
And you can allow yourself torest and live lighter.
(35:49):
The quitting things on Thursday.
I shared this on my otherpodcast this week, but it's basically
Bob Goff talks about on everyThursday he quits something.
And normally he says they'regood things he quits.
He might quit being on a boardfor a nonprofit.
He might quit, you know, Idon't know.
Certain phone call he has, buthe quit something because he says,
(36:10):
I have a lot of good things inmy life, but my, my schedule gets
too full.
So I have a day where I quit things.
Now, it doesn't mean he neverallows new things in, but his point
is, every week he reassesses,what do I need to let go of?
And that's what I would say to you.
Let them live their lives theway they're going to live it.
Let go of the things that areno longer serving or fulfilling you.
(36:32):
You.
And let go of the tasks andresponsibility or people pleasing.
That is not giving you peaceand it is not helping you, especially
if someone else can do it.
And I should just say this.
There are going to be timesand seasons where we have to do more
(36:52):
than is humanly possible.
There are going to be days ortimes or seasons where there is no
one else.
Right?
If you are in a caregivingseason and you are the primary caregiver,
if you're going through adiagnosis, I understand that.
But you still can ask for help.
You can still do what you haveto do and have moments where you
(37:15):
say, I need to rest.
That's what I need.
Or maybe line someone up tocaregive for you so that you can
get a break.
But I do understand there arecircumstances where that is not feasible
or likely in certain situations.
And to you, I would just saydo what you can in the moments that
(37:36):
you have to be renewed torefresh yourself.
That might be just readingsomething uplifting.
It might be just having aquiet moment, taking a minute to
pray, taking a minute to meditate.
But there's usually a way forward.
And I get it that there arecertain seasons that are exhausting
(37:58):
and it's not our doing.
And I absolutely understand that.
And I'm.
I'm here with you and, andjust encourage you.
Just find someone, a supportgroup, a friend that you can at least
offload your feelings, yourexhaustion, because sometimes we
just need to release thattension, even if we can't physically
(38:20):
change our situation or evenif we don't have someone to take
some of our responsibilityaway from us.
So until next time, I hopethis episode gave you some food for
thought.
I hope that you can takesomething away from it and I will
just share with you.
In the last couple months Ihave really had to kind of pause
producing regular content forbuilding a life you love podcast
(38:42):
for the most part.
Continued the Faithfield WomanPodcast the honest truth is, over
the last couple months I wasstruggling with trying to do too
many things, feelingoverwhelmed, walking through grief
of my dad passing, a friend passing.
Even this week I had a friendpass two days ago and believe me,
(39:04):
I didn't get much of anythingdone yesterday or the day before.
I mean nothing really.
And that's okay.
But what I'm why I'm bringingthis up is I will be getting back
to this.
I will be coming to you in thecoming month or two with new conversations
and guest interviews andpowerful tools and resources because
(39:24):
it is important to me.
But I just was in a seasonwhere I couldn't carry it.
I had to set it down and thensee how I could reach, revamp and
redesign it to align with howI've changed and where I'm at in
life.
And so I'm still going to behere for you.
And in the meantime, check outmy website, KristinFitch.com I have
(39:47):
a couple really greatresources there for you.
One is called Rewire your mindand it is a free download where it
helps you go through someexercises, much like things that
I share today to help youshift your perspective and shift
your mindset.
So that might be a great toolfor you after listening to today's
episode.
(40:08):
And you'll also then be partof my email newsletter, part of my
community.
So until next time, I hopethat you find some time to just live
a little lighter and let go of something.
And thanks again for listening in.
And if you enjoyed the show,we'd to love love it if you'd subscribe
and leave us a review andrating on Apple Podcasts or wherever
(40:30):
you listen to podcasts.
And you can check out freebiesand resources we have for you@kristenfitch.com
and if you have ideas for theshow or guests that you'd like to
recommend, I'd love to hearfrom you.
So DM me on Instagramhristenfitch or you can email me
from the website.
Thanks so much.
Until next time, have a great week.
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