March 18, 2025 • 21 mins
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Episode Transcript
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Joei (00:00):
Welcome to Calm Your Grits podcast.
I'm your host joei Allen.
I'm just your average stay athome mom, homeschool mom and
wifey Who loves all thingssparkly and anything DIY from
party planning to interiordesign, Basically just a crazy
Pinterest Mom.
I'm a self proclaimed expert atnothing other than hanging on by
(00:20):
a thread.
I am living my best life, duringwhat I can only describe as my
midlife crisis.
This podcast is about nothingand everything.
So whether you're here becauseyou can relate or for some comic
relief, my hope is that you'llwalk away learning something new
or at least feel a little lessweird about the voices in your
(00:42):
head and the decisions you'vemade in your life Today we are
going to pick up on part two ofbackstory.
We left off at the whole, myhusband stumbled upon Elevation
Church after one of our biggestfights and was like, I don't
know where we're going to gofrom here.
(01:02):
All I know is this sermon reallyspoke to me and I think we
should go to church together.
So, went to church.
I remember It was Mother's Day,Pastor Stephen had opened it up
then his wife Holly was actuallypreaching the sermon that day,
it was the first time I heardanything about their daughter.
(01:24):
It was the first time I hadheard anything about them,
period.
What I do remember is shepreached on.
The story of Abigail and theirdaughter's name was Abigail.
So just there, I was like, okay,I'm listening.
What I took away from it wasthat Abigail was sending me a
(01:46):
message that she did not want meto be sad, or let her story
affect me something along thoselines.
I don't know.
I, maybe I should have actuallylooked up the story of Abigail
and try to figure it out but Idid a lot of crying while I was
there and when I left, that'skind of the message I took away.
(02:09):
So we kept going back and beforeyou come at me with your
opinions about Elevation Church,just know that at the time going
to Elevation was life changing,it's a mega church, but they
have smaller campuses and thenon top of that, they really,
really encourage you to joinsmall groups, e-groups.
(02:32):
For us going to any group waskind of weird I remember meeting
them., it wasn't too bad, but Iwas kind of like, I don't know
if this is for me.
Long story short, we did end upgoing back and there were like a
core group that became ourchurch squad became our best
(02:53):
friends huge roles in our livesfor the next handful of years.
We were all newlyweds.
I think only one couple had adaughter and the rest of us, no
kids, we bonded pretty fast.
So fast forward found out I waspregnant I had a lot more faith
at this point.
I was like, okay, I'm pregnantlet's just try to stay positive
(03:17):
let's pray about it, all thethings.
Before I was even able to fullyprocess the fact that I was
pregnant, I had a miscarriageand I call that my my regular
miscarriage because it was, itwas early, it was within the
first trimester, to whereMelina, my water broke at six
months and then Abby, my waterbroke at five months.
(03:37):
So my third pregnancy, themiscarriage happened eight ish
weeks.
Don't quote me on that, but itwas a lot sooner.
when the miscarriage happened,thank God, I had my church
squad.
I remember them like, likelaying hands on us and praying I
remember it just having thispeace within me and I was raised
(03:59):
Catholic.
So this whole like hands on andand it was Catholics don't
usually pray out loud or atleast Other, like, other than
like a priest or, yeah, prettymuch that's all, as a Catholic,
that's all I ever really heard.
This was new to me and I hadnever experienced anything like
(04:22):
it, so.
There were huge support ingetting me through that without
me spiraling.
I was at a point where I waslike, if this is meant to
happen, it will happen.
And I just need to be at peacewith that.
Then April came around and Wewent to New York.
(04:42):
We Went to visit my sister andLucas's parents still lived
close by so We took our, ourbabies, our dogs, left them with
Grandma, and we decided to goand spend a night in the city.
We got a hotel room, we took thetrain down and did the whole New
(05:05):
York experience, and then thecherry on top was, I met up with
my sister Shana, it had been along time since I had seen her.
We hung out, we went to a bar,and bars close at 4 a.
m.
in New York, my husband is oneof those that likes to shut all
the places down once he getsgoing, there's no,"hey, I'm
(05:28):
tired, let's go home" becausethen I'm boring.
We actually had a lot of funeating all the pizza and going
to so many bars and walking alot, he loves to be like, Oh,
it's just around the corner.
Next thing you know, you'vewalked 18 blocks, that's beside
(05:49):
the point.
We were up till four, we diddrink a good amount but not
enough to justify how I felt thenext morning.
I woke up, I thought it wasdying and a part of me didn't
want to kind of be like I'mdying, I don't want to go out"
because the plan was we weregoing to go hang out with my
(06:10):
sister, out to bars and then thenext day we were going to go
shopping.
Husband loves to shop., man, heloves to shop.
I used to, but I don't anymore,and I definitely did not at that
point.
In my mind, I wasn't going tobuy stuff that fit me at that
time because through all theseup and downs with pregnancy, I
(06:32):
always, I would say I was indenial that, that was my new
size.
So I, to me, shopping was justnot fun unless it was for shoes,
which I do remember getting apair of Manolo Blahniks.
So that was fun but I wascompletely dying and being like,
if I say something, he's goingto be so upset.
So I just tried to man up.
(06:53):
I threw up in 11 differentpublic New York restrooms.
Starbucks, we hit that onetwice, but I wasn't telling him
that I was throwing up.
I didn't want to ruin the day.
So I'd be like, Oh, I wantanother coffee and I'd go off to
the bathroom, die.
Then we were shopping in alldifferent stores and I'd be
(07:16):
like, I'm going to go try thisstuff on.
And I would literally justdisappear and just go, go keep
throwing up I mean, I was dying.
And finally, I think it got tothe point where you could see it
all over me.
I must've been like a green orsomething.
I look like death where hefinally was like, are you okay?
(07:37):
And even at that point, I didn'twant to be like, no, because I
had made it however many hoursand we only had an hour" left
according to the plan that hehad laid out.
So we got back on the train,went back, got our dogs.
it was miserable.
We drove like 11 hours if notmore, I can't remember, it was,
(07:59):
it was a blur.
All I remember is I'm like, I'mgoing to throw up.
How do I get him to stop?
Because this, this man sees theGPS as a challenge.
It says 10 hours, he wants tomake it in nine hours and 45
minutes, you do not want to getbetween him and his fight with
(08:20):
the GPS.
Somehow I survived and I gotback home.
Still not okay, we went to work,I stopped throwing up, but I was
unwell.
Unless it was like foodpoisoning or something, it
didn't really make a whole lotof sense why I was still that
sick.
So usually, up until themiscarriage, I would know
(08:42):
exactly when I was ovulating andwhen I was going to TMI, when I
was going to get my period andall that.
But because I felt like itwasn't going to happen I was
like, okay, well, I'm not goingto keep track because a week
before my period.
I would start, Hmm, what if I'mpregnant?
What if I'm pregnant?
What?
And that was driving me nuts andthat was unhealthy.
(09:02):
So this particular time, I thinkyou know where I'm going with
it.
I was sick.
I was sick.
And then I look at the dates andI was like, Oh my God, I didn't
want to say anything to him.
So I remember texting my friendand being like, hey, can you
bring me a pregnancy test?
And she did.
And I'm not very good at hidingthings.
(09:24):
So before I even took the test,he picked up on what was
happening.
So took the test, I waspregnant, all the emotions, it
was like on one hand, it waslike like yay.
And then on the other hand, itwas like, Oh God here we go
again, this was my fourthpregnancy, but I felt God show
(09:45):
up and like a couple things as Iwas sharing my story with my
friends, my church squad.
I remember two separateoccasions, someone mentioning
Dr.
Bell, her being some kind ofmiracle doctor.
And obviously I wasn't gonna goback to the doctors that I had
my, the OBs that I had workedwith because I just wasn't going
(10:10):
to.
So as soon as I found out I waspregnant, I tracked down Dr.
Bell, made an appointment, wentin, on one end, I was hopeful
and then on the other side, Iwas like, Oh God, just brace for
impact kind of thing.
And there was something aboutmeeting Dr.
Bell she listened, read throughmy charts, did all the things
(10:33):
and legit.
I'm pretty sure I was there fortwo hours during my first,
appointment, she stands up andshe prays with me, what doctor
prays with you to me, this wasnew.
She was like, I can't give youan explanation of what happened,
based on the tests andeverything you've done and that
you've brought me all I know todo is to just bring out all the,
(10:55):
uh, procedures to, to help.
She scheduled me for a cerclageand that is usually for patients
that have, Something calledincompetent cervix, but based on
when my cervix was measured,after my water broke and all
that, nothing pointed towardsthat but she was like, I don't
(11:17):
know.
Let's do that.
She was like, I'm going to putyou on hormones we're going to
do bed rest where we're justgoing to throw everything at
you.
And she was like, I feel likeyou're here for a reason.
I have a really good feeling Ithink it's going to happen.
That's not normal doctors don'tusually tend to give you hope or
(11:41):
even bring God into theconversation regardless of if
they believe in God or not.
You know, it's very science,science, science.
I just, I remember having a lotof peace after meeting her.
She also sent me to maternalfetal medicine brought some
specialists in and I wasgetting, I was getting evaluated
(12:01):
by, I think it was like a teamof four doctors, her being the
main one.
Then at 11 weeks, they go in andthey sew your cervix shut and it
was so crazy because when Ishowed up for that procedure to
get my cerclage put in, I go byJoei.
It That's my middle name andusually anytime, any kind of
(12:23):
doctor or anything like that,it's always, they call me by my
first name.
I didn't see her until we werein the OR and her coming in and
going, all right, Joei, let's dothis and there was something
about her calling me by my name.
I was like, she remembers me.
She knows who I am, prays withme again, then, they put me
under, did the procedure, comesback to check on me after, sends
(12:46):
me home.
I remember her calling me, whichagain, that had never happened.
So it was just, it was, it wasvery reassuring.
And I did have like really,really bad anxiety through it.
So I remember her explaining allthe effects of if she put me on
(13:06):
some on, I think it was a Zoloftand, she put it this way, look,
Zoloft is not going to changeanything regarding your
pregnancy.
But I do think it'll help and soI was like, all right, let's do
it.
I trusted her.
Like there was so much fear butalso a really good support
group, lots of praying, justtaking it one day at a time and
(13:30):
I forgot about this, but anotherpart that gave me this crazy
reassurance was before I knew Iwas pregnant.
We went to church Lydia from theBible was brought up and I was
like, that's that's a weirdname, but okay.
(13:50):
I wrote it down and She was somekind of strong independent Which
for back in the Bible days?
business women weren't a thingright and she sold purple.
I probably sound like an idiot,but it had something to do with
purple dye and purple is myGrandmother's favorite color and
(14:15):
it's been really weird in acouple instances in my life
where that color purple hasshown up and I've been like
that's weird.
When I left church and Again,this is a this is not a Catholic
thing that I was used to butwhen you go to church they give
you this little pad for you totake notes on Taking notes at
(14:37):
church was new for me, but Iplayed along when I would hear
something that I wanted toremember I would write it down I
remember writing the name Lydiaon the corner Okay, so that's
like one part of the story.
And then, not too long afterthat, I had the weirdest dream.
I really wish I would havewritten all this down while it
was happening, because I feellike I've little by little
(14:58):
forget the, the little details,but the important part of that
dream, the best way I canexplain it is it felt like we
were in a building, along thelines of like when 9 11
happened.
We were trying to escape out ofthis building I can't remember
who yelled at me and saidsomething like, don't forget
(15:21):
about Lydia.
So I woke up and I was like,there's that freaking name
again.
I didn't say anything.
So fast forward.
Lucas and I are talking aboutnames and I did decide at that
point, no more Joe, becauseMelina, Melina Joy.
Abigail Josephine.
(15:42):
So I was like, how about, nomore Joe.
So we're trying to think of aname and I was like, I think I
know the name, um, Lydia.
He looked at me weird and I waslike, I have to tell you
something and you're not goingto believe me.
I don't care I told him aboutthe dream first.
And then I told him about thesermon and, I would take my
purse and then usually throw Mynotes into the purse so my purse
(16:03):
is always a mess between workand all the things I just, it
was always full of papers and Iwas like hold on as I'm telling
him this, actually, hold on andI'm looking through my purse and
I find that thing and I show himin the corner that I had written
down Lydia and he was like, no,you didn't.
I swear.
I'm not making it up.
(16:24):
So the whole pregnancy, therewas a lot of anxiety, got
medicated, did a lot of praying,had a lot of support.
Uh, in the process we decided,okay, well, you know, like now
it's time to move to thesuburbs.
So we started looking forhouses, found the perfect house.
We weren't quite ready to moveto Fort Mill after living three
(16:47):
years uptown, we felt like FortMill was too far.
We went as far as South Park sowe moved, it was like September
ish.
Thank God for all our friends.
We were still at that age whereyou don't hire movers, all your
friends help you and then yougive them pizza and beer.
And I was on bed rest, so Icouldn't do anything, even
though I really wanted to.
(17:07):
So fast forward had to have ascheduled C section at 37 weeks
and that the date that it wassupposed to be was December 5th.
And I told Dr.
Bell, I was like I'm notplanning anything for December
5th pretty sure I mentioned thatDecember 5th was the original
(17:28):
date for Melina's baby showerthat ended up being the day of
her funeral.
December 5th was the day mywater broke with Abby Jo so I
was like, no, December 5th isnot going to work for me.
So we scheduled it for December4th.
It felt so, so crazy to finallyhave this beautiful, perfect
(17:53):
baby girl, Lydia.
The name, even the name, like Ican't even take credit for the
name.
It was like God named her andsent her to me.
Since I essentially made thedecision to name her Lydia, I
was like, well, Lucas, why don'tyou pick her middle name?
Here I am, the name Lydia waslike picked by God and came to
(18:17):
me in a dream and in a sermonand he picks Mila.
So her name is Lydia Mila.
Why did he pick Mila?
Because he thought Mila Kuniswas hot I just went with it.
I had a couple other optionsthat I was thinking about but
Mila was cute and I had saidthat he could pick the middle
(18:38):
name.
Got her home.
I had heard about the baby bluesand I was definitely a hot mess
when we got home.
But then as the time passed,Something was off, and after
what I assumed were the babyblues that wore off, like I
remember that those first fewnights were.
(19:00):
I couldn't believe someone justwould send us home with a baby
and not tell us how to take careof it.
We didn't know how to swaddleit.
Someone asked me, what's yourparenting plan?
My parenting style.
And I was like, um, you'resupposed to have a parenting
style.
My goal right now is just becomea parent.
And so, I ended up figuring outhow to swaddle her and, and all
(19:23):
of that.
And I was obsessed with her.
Nothing else mattered other thanher and keeping her safe because
I was terrified something wasgoing to happen to her.
At the time I didn't.
I don't exactly know what itwas.
Someone had thrown out likepostpartum depression, but all I
knew about postpartum depressionwas that it's when you can't
(19:48):
connect with your baby.
And that was not the case forme.
Connecting with my baby was allI could do that felt right at
the moment.
I felt completely psychotic.
I knew something was off, but Ididn't know what it was.
I thought maybe, you know, I wasjust exhausted or whatever.
And keep in mind that I, at thispoint, I've been, I had been in
(20:11):
a lot of therapy, done themedications, psychiatrist, all
the things.
So I consider myself a mentalhealth, veteran, right?
Like it wasn't like I wasopposed to having mental health
treated, but I was like, it'snot postpartum depression.
I love her.
It's not that, so completedenial.
(20:32):
And that's where I'm going toend part two of my backstory.
Next episode, I will get intohow I figured out that it was
postpartum depression,treatments and my journey, for
now, I wanted to give thisreally long backstory everything
else would make sense.
(20:53):
I would love it if you wouldsubscribe and follow me on all
the social media thingies.
Thanks again for listening toanother episode of Calm Your
Grits podcast until next time.
Bye.
Welcome to Calm Your Grits podcast.
I'm your host joei Allen.
I'm just your average stay athome mom, homeschool mom and
wifey Who loves all thingssparkly and anything DIY from
party planning to interiordesign, Basically just a crazy
Pinterest Mom.
I'm a self proclaimed expert atnothing other than hanging on by
(00:20):
a thread.
I am living my best life, duringwhat I can only describe as my
midlife crisis.
This podcast is about nothingand everything.
So whether you're here becauseyou can relate or for some comic
relief, my hope is that you'llwalk away learning something new
or at least feel a little lessweird about the voices in your
(00:42):
head and the decisions you'vemade in your life Today we are
going to pick up on part two ofbackstory.
We left off at the whole, myhusband stumbled upon Elevation
Church after one of our biggestfights and was like, I don't
know where we're going to gofrom here.
(01:02):
All I know is this sermon reallyspoke to me and I think we
should go to church together.
So, went to church.
I remember It was Mother's Day,Pastor Stephen had opened it up
then his wife Holly was actuallypreaching the sermon that day,
it was the first time I heardanything about their daughter.
(01:24):
It was the first time I hadheard anything about them,
period.
What I do remember is shepreached on.
The story of Abigail and theirdaughter's name was Abigail.
So just there, I was like, okay,I'm listening.
What I took away from it wasthat Abigail was sending me a
(01:46):
message that she did not want meto be sad, or let her story
affect me something along thoselines.
I don't know.
I, maybe I should have actuallylooked up the story of Abigail
and try to figure it out but Idid a lot of crying while I was
there and when I left, that'skind of the message I took away.
(02:09):
So we kept going back and beforeyou come at me with your
opinions about Elevation Church,just know that at the time going
to Elevation was life changing,it's a mega church, but they
have smaller campuses and thenon top of that, they really,
really encourage you to joinsmall groups, e-groups.
(02:32):
For us going to any group waskind of weird I remember meeting
them., it wasn't too bad, but Iwas kind of like, I don't know
if this is for me.
Long story short, we did end upgoing back and there were like a
core group that became ourchurch squad became our best
(02:53):
friends huge roles in our livesfor the next handful of years.
We were all newlyweds.
I think only one couple had adaughter and the rest of us, no
kids, we bonded pretty fast.
So fast forward found out I waspregnant I had a lot more faith
at this point.
I was like, okay, I'm pregnantlet's just try to stay positive
(03:17):
let's pray about it, all thethings.
Before I was even able to fullyprocess the fact that I was
pregnant, I had a miscarriageand I call that my my regular
miscarriage because it was, itwas early, it was within the
first trimester, to whereMelina, my water broke at six
months and then Abby, my waterbroke at five months.
(03:37):
So my third pregnancy, themiscarriage happened eight ish
weeks.
Don't quote me on that, but itwas a lot sooner.
when the miscarriage happened,thank God, I had my church
squad.
I remember them like, likelaying hands on us and praying I
remember it just having thispeace within me and I was raised
(03:59):
Catholic.
So this whole like hands on andand it was Catholics don't
usually pray out loud or atleast Other, like, other than
like a priest or, yeah, prettymuch that's all, as a Catholic,
that's all I ever really heard.
This was new to me and I hadnever experienced anything like
(04:22):
it, so.
There were huge support ingetting me through that without
me spiraling.
I was at a point where I waslike, if this is meant to
happen, it will happen.
And I just need to be at peacewith that.
Then April came around and Wewent to New York.
(04:42):
We Went to visit my sister andLucas's parents still lived
close by so We took our, ourbabies, our dogs, left them with
Grandma, and we decided to goand spend a night in the city.
We got a hotel room, we took thetrain down and did the whole New
(05:05):
York experience, and then thecherry on top was, I met up with
my sister Shana, it had been along time since I had seen her.
We hung out, we went to a bar,and bars close at 4 a.
m.
in New York, my husband is oneof those that likes to shut all
the places down once he getsgoing, there's no,"hey, I'm
(05:28):
tired, let's go home" becausethen I'm boring.
We actually had a lot of funeating all the pizza and going
to so many bars and walking alot, he loves to be like, Oh,
it's just around the corner.
Next thing you know, you'vewalked 18 blocks, that's beside
(05:49):
the point.
We were up till four, we diddrink a good amount but not
enough to justify how I felt thenext morning.
I woke up, I thought it wasdying and a part of me didn't
want to kind of be like I'mdying, I don't want to go out"
because the plan was we weregoing to go hang out with my
(06:10):
sister, out to bars and then thenext day we were going to go
shopping.
Husband loves to shop., man, heloves to shop.
I used to, but I don't anymore,and I definitely did not at that
point.
In my mind, I wasn't going tobuy stuff that fit me at that
time because through all theseup and downs with pregnancy, I
(06:32):
always, I would say I was indenial that, that was my new
size.
So I, to me, shopping was justnot fun unless it was for shoes,
which I do remember getting apair of Manolo Blahniks.
So that was fun but I wascompletely dying and being like,
if I say something, he's goingto be so upset.
So I just tried to man up.
(06:53):
I threw up in 11 differentpublic New York restrooms.
Starbucks, we hit that onetwice, but I wasn't telling him
that I was throwing up.
I didn't want to ruin the day.
So I'd be like, Oh, I wantanother coffee and I'd go off to
the bathroom, die.
Then we were shopping in alldifferent stores and I'd be
(07:16):
like, I'm going to go try thisstuff on.
And I would literally justdisappear and just go, go keep
throwing up I mean, I was dying.
And finally, I think it got tothe point where you could see it
all over me.
I must've been like a green orsomething.
I look like death where hefinally was like, are you okay?
(07:37):
And even at that point, I didn'twant to be like, no, because I
had made it however many hoursand we only had an hour" left
according to the plan that hehad laid out.
So we got back on the train,went back, got our dogs.
it was miserable.
We drove like 11 hours if notmore, I can't remember, it was,
(07:59):
it was a blur.
All I remember is I'm like, I'mgoing to throw up.
How do I get him to stop?
Because this, this man sees theGPS as a challenge.
It says 10 hours, he wants tomake it in nine hours and 45
minutes, you do not want to getbetween him and his fight with
(08:20):
the GPS.
Somehow I survived and I gotback home.
Still not okay, we went to work,I stopped throwing up, but I was
unwell.
Unless it was like foodpoisoning or something, it
didn't really make a whole lotof sense why I was still that
sick.
So usually, up until themiscarriage, I would know
(08:42):
exactly when I was ovulating andwhen I was going to TMI, when I
was going to get my period andall that.
But because I felt like itwasn't going to happen I was
like, okay, well, I'm not goingto keep track because a week
before my period.
I would start, Hmm, what if I'mpregnant?
What if I'm pregnant?
What?
And that was driving me nuts andthat was unhealthy.
(09:02):
So this particular time, I thinkyou know where I'm going with
it.
I was sick.
I was sick.
And then I look at the dates andI was like, Oh my God, I didn't
want to say anything to him.
So I remember texting my friendand being like, hey, can you
bring me a pregnancy test?
And she did.
And I'm not very good at hidingthings.
(09:24):
So before I even took the test,he picked up on what was
happening.
So took the test, I waspregnant, all the emotions, it
was like on one hand, it waslike like yay.
And then on the other hand, itwas like, Oh God here we go
again, this was my fourthpregnancy, but I felt God show
(09:45):
up and like a couple things as Iwas sharing my story with my
friends, my church squad.
I remember two separateoccasions, someone mentioning
Dr.
Bell, her being some kind ofmiracle doctor.
And obviously I wasn't gonna goback to the doctors that I had
my, the OBs that I had workedwith because I just wasn't going
(10:10):
to.
So as soon as I found out I waspregnant, I tracked down Dr.
Bell, made an appointment, wentin, on one end, I was hopeful
and then on the other side, Iwas like, Oh God, just brace for
impact kind of thing.
And there was something aboutmeeting Dr.
Bell she listened, read throughmy charts, did all the things
(10:33):
and legit.
I'm pretty sure I was there fortwo hours during my first,
appointment, she stands up andshe prays with me, what doctor
prays with you to me, this wasnew.
She was like, I can't give youan explanation of what happened,
based on the tests andeverything you've done and that
you've brought me all I know todo is to just bring out all the,
(10:55):
uh, procedures to, to help.
She scheduled me for a cerclageand that is usually for patients
that have, Something calledincompetent cervix, but based on
when my cervix was measured,after my water broke and all
that, nothing pointed towardsthat but she was like, I don't
(11:17):
know.
Let's do that.
She was like, I'm going to putyou on hormones we're going to
do bed rest where we're justgoing to throw everything at
you.
And she was like, I feel likeyou're here for a reason.
I have a really good feeling Ithink it's going to happen.
That's not normal doctors don'tusually tend to give you hope or
(11:41):
even bring God into theconversation regardless of if
they believe in God or not.
You know, it's very science,science, science.
I just, I remember having a lotof peace after meeting her.
She also sent me to maternalfetal medicine brought some
specialists in and I wasgetting, I was getting evaluated
(12:01):
by, I think it was like a teamof four doctors, her being the
main one.
Then at 11 weeks, they go in andthey sew your cervix shut and it
was so crazy because when Ishowed up for that procedure to
get my cerclage put in, I go byJoei.
It That's my middle name andusually anytime, any kind of
(12:23):
doctor or anything like that,it's always, they call me by my
first name.
I didn't see her until we werein the OR and her coming in and
going, all right, Joei, let's dothis and there was something
about her calling me by my name.
I was like, she remembers me.
She knows who I am, prays withme again, then, they put me
under, did the procedure, comesback to check on me after, sends
(12:46):
me home.
I remember her calling me, whichagain, that had never happened.
So it was just, it was, it wasvery reassuring.
And I did have like really,really bad anxiety through it.
So I remember her explaining allthe effects of if she put me on
(13:06):
some on, I think it was a Zoloftand, she put it this way, look,
Zoloft is not going to changeanything regarding your
pregnancy.
But I do think it'll help and soI was like, all right, let's do
it.
I trusted her.
Like there was so much fear butalso a really good support
group, lots of praying, justtaking it one day at a time and
(13:30):
I forgot about this, but anotherpart that gave me this crazy
reassurance was before I knew Iwas pregnant.
We went to church Lydia from theBible was brought up and I was
like, that's that's a weirdname, but okay.
(13:50):
I wrote it down and She was somekind of strong independent Which
for back in the Bible days?
business women weren't a thingright and she sold purple.
I probably sound like an idiot,but it had something to do with
purple dye and purple is myGrandmother's favorite color and
(14:15):
it's been really weird in acouple instances in my life
where that color purple hasshown up and I've been like
that's weird.
When I left church and Again,this is a this is not a Catholic
thing that I was used to butwhen you go to church they give
you this little pad for you totake notes on Taking notes at
(14:37):
church was new for me, but Iplayed along when I would hear
something that I wanted toremember I would write it down I
remember writing the name Lydiaon the corner Okay, so that's
like one part of the story.
And then, not too long afterthat, I had the weirdest dream.
I really wish I would havewritten all this down while it
was happening, because I feellike I've little by little
(14:58):
forget the, the little details,but the important part of that
dream, the best way I canexplain it is it felt like we
were in a building, along thelines of like when 9 11
happened.
We were trying to escape out ofthis building I can't remember
who yelled at me and saidsomething like, don't forget
(15:21):
about Lydia.
So I woke up and I was like,there's that freaking name
again.
I didn't say anything.
So fast forward.
Lucas and I are talking aboutnames and I did decide at that
point, no more Joe, becauseMelina, Melina Joy.
Abigail Josephine.
(15:42):
So I was like, how about, nomore Joe.
So we're trying to think of aname and I was like, I think I
know the name, um, Lydia.
He looked at me weird and I waslike, I have to tell you
something and you're not goingto believe me.
I don't care I told him aboutthe dream first.
And then I told him about thesermon and, I would take my
purse and then usually throw Mynotes into the purse so my purse
(16:03):
is always a mess between workand all the things I just, it
was always full of papers and Iwas like hold on as I'm telling
him this, actually, hold on andI'm looking through my purse and
I find that thing and I show himin the corner that I had written
down Lydia and he was like, no,you didn't.
I swear.
I'm not making it up.
(16:24):
So the whole pregnancy, therewas a lot of anxiety, got
medicated, did a lot of praying,had a lot of support.
Uh, in the process we decided,okay, well, you know, like now
it's time to move to thesuburbs.
So we started looking forhouses, found the perfect house.
We weren't quite ready to moveto Fort Mill after living three
(16:47):
years uptown, we felt like FortMill was too far.
We went as far as South Park sowe moved, it was like September
ish.
Thank God for all our friends.
We were still at that age whereyou don't hire movers, all your
friends help you and then yougive them pizza and beer.
And I was on bed rest, so Icouldn't do anything, even
though I really wanted to.
(17:07):
So fast forward had to have ascheduled C section at 37 weeks
and that the date that it wassupposed to be was December 5th.
And I told Dr.
Bell, I was like I'm notplanning anything for December
5th pretty sure I mentioned thatDecember 5th was the original
(17:28):
date for Melina's baby showerthat ended up being the day of
her funeral.
December 5th was the day mywater broke with Abby Jo so I
was like, no, December 5th isnot going to work for me.
So we scheduled it for December4th.
It felt so, so crazy to finallyhave this beautiful, perfect
(17:53):
baby girl, Lydia.
The name, even the name, like Ican't even take credit for the
name.
It was like God named her andsent her to me.
Since I essentially made thedecision to name her Lydia, I
was like, well, Lucas, why don'tyou pick her middle name?
Here I am, the name Lydia waslike picked by God and came to
(18:17):
me in a dream and in a sermonand he picks Mila.
So her name is Lydia Mila.
Why did he pick Mila?
Because he thought Mila Kuniswas hot I just went with it.
I had a couple other optionsthat I was thinking about but
Mila was cute and I had saidthat he could pick the middle
(18:38):
name.
Got her home.
I had heard about the baby bluesand I was definitely a hot mess
when we got home.
But then as the time passed,Something was off, and after
what I assumed were the babyblues that wore off, like I
remember that those first fewnights were.
(19:00):
I couldn't believe someone justwould send us home with a baby
and not tell us how to take careof it.
We didn't know how to swaddleit.
Someone asked me, what's yourparenting plan?
My parenting style.
And I was like, um, you'resupposed to have a parenting
style.
My goal right now is just becomea parent.
And so, I ended up figuring outhow to swaddle her and, and all
(19:23):
of that.
And I was obsessed with her.
Nothing else mattered other thanher and keeping her safe because
I was terrified something wasgoing to happen to her.
At the time I didn't.
I don't exactly know what itwas.
Someone had thrown out likepostpartum depression, but all I
knew about postpartum depressionwas that it's when you can't
(19:48):
connect with your baby.
And that was not the case forme.
Connecting with my baby was allI could do that felt right at
the moment.
I felt completely psychotic.
I knew something was off, but Ididn't know what it was.
I thought maybe, you know, I wasjust exhausted or whatever.
And keep in mind that I, at thispoint, I've been, I had been in
(20:11):
a lot of therapy, done themedications, psychiatrist, all
the things.
So I consider myself a mentalhealth, veteran, right?
Like it wasn't like I wasopposed to having mental health
treated, but I was like, it'snot postpartum depression.
I love her.
It's not that, so completedenial.
(20:32):
And that's where I'm going toend part two of my backstory.
Next episode, I will get intohow I figured out that it was
postpartum depression,treatments and my journey, for
now, I wanted to give thisreally long backstory everything
else would make sense.
(20:53):
I would love it if you wouldsubscribe and follow me on all
the social media thingies.
Thanks again for listening toanother episode of Calm Your
Grits podcast until next time.
Bye.
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