January 6, 2025 • 27 mins
Embrace Your ‘Flawsome’: Conquering Perfectionism
It’s the new year—which means new possibilities and a whole lot of self-imposed pressure. In this episode of Captivate the Mic, host Elaine Williams welcomes Michelle Molitor, an executive coach, hypnotherapist, and author of I Am Perfectly Flossom: How Embracing Imperfection Makes Us Better. Michelle shares her journey of being bullied out of a high-tech career and how that turbocharged her own perfectionism & imposter syndrome.
From chronic anxiety and physical manifestations to everyday blocks that keep us from achieving our goals, Michelle explains how perfectionism can be a trauma response—and how to break free. She highlights her upcoming program, Reclaiming Your True Self, designed to help women overcome perfectionism, burnout, and people-pleasing so they can thrive.
Michelle Molitor is the founder of Nectar Consulting, which combines positive psychology, neuroscience, hypnotherapy, and coaching to help clients rapidly transform limiting beliefs. As a “recovering perfectionist” herself, Michelle is dedicated to showing others how to embrace their flaws, reduce anxiety, and achieve success.
•Why Perfectionism Isn’t Always Obvious: How it can lurk in the background.
•Perfectionism as a Trauma Response: Why unresolved childhood experiences often spark the urge to people-please.
•Real-Life Transformations: Client success story by uncovering limiting beliefs formed earlier.
•Techniques to Overcome Mental Blocks: How hypnotherapy, mindset shifts, and group support can help you rewrite your “inner script.”
•Strategies for the New Year: Why setting the same resolutions won’t work if you haven’t shifted your self-talk; removed hidden roadblocks.
Highlights
•[00:02:10] – Michelle: bullied out of a high-tech career, sparking her journey toward coaching.
•[00:05:30] – Elaine’s realization of her own “closet perfectionism”; how it stops progress.
•[00:11:15] – Client story: Tying perfectionism, anxiety to physical health issues.
•[00:18:00] – How perfectionism can be tied to childhood trauma.
•[00:24:00] – Michelle’s upcoming program, Reclaiming Your True Self, for women seeking deeper transformation.
Resources
•Michelle’s Website: michellemolitor.com
•Book: I Am Perfectly Flossom (Available on Amazon, Kindle, and Audible)
•Group Program:Reclaiming Your True Self : michellemolitor.com/reclaiming-your-true-self
Schedule Call with Michelle: book a complimentary call to see if the Reclaiming Your True Self program is a fit for you.
If you enjoyed this
Connect with your Host, Elaine Williams:
Check out Captivate the Mic Podcast on Elaine's YouTube Channel
Check out the Captivate the Crowd Website
Follow Elaine on Social- LinkedIn, Instagram, Facebook, TikTok
Want to schedule a free chat with Elaine? Click here to book a zoom date!
<
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:06):
Hi everybody, Elaine Williamshere with Captivate the Mic, and
I am so excited to share myguest with you.
I have the amazing Michelle herefrom Perfectly Awesome.
I'm going to let her tell youall the things.
Michelle, I'm so excited thatyou're here.
And it's so perfect because it'sthe new year, new you.
(00:28):
I always feel like January isself hatred month.
So I know we can use some ofyour work.
Tell us a little bit about whoyou are for people who aren't
familiar with you yet, please.
Sure.
Thank you for having me on theshow, Elaine.
I'm delighted to be here.
So hi everyone, Michelle Molitorhere at Nectar Consulting.
I'm the co author of I AmPerfectly Flossom, How Embracing
(00:52):
Imperfection Makes Us Better.
And I'm a recoveringperfectionist.
I got bullied out of my hightech career.
I was a creative director in myformer life.
And yeah, it was prettydevastating.
It really knocked all theconfidence out of me, what
little there was.
And left me searching who am Inow?
(01:14):
And what do I do?
And I, it created a massive caseof imposter syndrome for me and
it dialed my perfectionism up toabout a thousand.
And in the process of trying tofigure out my next steps, I
discovered coaching as a way tohelp me figure that out.
And getting some coaching.
many moons ago when it was avery brand new industry.
(01:35):
I was like, Oh, this is the workI meant to be doing.
So I pivoted my career and I gottrained and certified and became
a professional coach back in2001.
And I've been doing it eversince.
I love my work.
It's really about helpingrelieve the mental, emotional,
physical suffering that peoplecarry around and often hide from
(01:57):
themselves and others to releaseit out of their nervous system
and find greater joy andhappiness and success.
Wow.
Oh, I love it.
So much to unpack there.
Yes, Michelle I'm so honored.
We've been working together onsome different things and I have
learned so much from listeningto you talk about your
(02:17):
Successful client stories andyour own journey.
And, for anybody who'slistening, I didn't think of
myself as a perfectionist.
Cause I'm like, I'm creative.
I'm messy.
I'm not anal.
And yet I have realized one ofmy discoveries of 2024 was I am
actually a closet perfectionistin some areas.
(02:41):
And I had hidden that frommyself because I had so much
judgment against, those analretentive people who were like,
want to cross every T and dotevery I.
I've always been like yeah, bigpicture.
Let's do it.
Which is not always great.
You need to have details andcontracts and, and so that has
been, Sort of nauseating, butalso enlightening to realize,
(03:05):
oh, I am a perfectionist incertain things.
And that's why I get stop, likebeyond blocked.
Like it took me over a year justto tweak a website, because I
felt like I had to be so perfectbecause I teach video.
Anyway I'm just encouraginganybody who is listening to this
(03:25):
or watching us, you may notthink you're perfectionist and I
encourage you to be open becausethere may be an area or two in
your life where you actually areand you just have hidden it from
yourself.
Yes, it happens to the best ofus and we think perfectionism is
a good thing, right?
Because we want things to bejust right.
(03:46):
We want them to be beautiful.
And yes, absolutely.
But in, in our book which alignswith a Japanese philosophy of
Kintsugi, which is the art ofgolden repair.
It's about repairing the cracksin broken pottery and mending it
with gold dust so that the.
(04:07):
The mended piece is morebeautiful, more valuable than
before.
So if we apply that to ourselvesif we apply perfectionism to
ourselves and realize that ourbroken and cracked places within
ourselves are actually part ofwhat make us more beautiful and
more awesome, more flawsome, asI would like to say, flawed and
(04:28):
awesome all at the same time,right?
So instead of, I have to get itjust think about.
How can I strive for excellencein a way that gets me pretty
darn close to my goal of A 100%,but I'm not killing myself in
the process, or I'm not movinginto procrastination or even
(04:51):
avoidance for fear of notgetting it right.
So when you can embrace strivingfor excellence, you can get out
of that stuck in spinning placeand instead get back into
action.
To reach your goal in aperfectly imperfect way because
nothing is ever final.
(05:12):
You can always do over, tryagain, or take the next step,
learn what you need to learn andkeep going forward.
I love that.
I just wrote a newsletter and Iwas encouraging people to pick a
slogan for the year because Ithink resolutions are just, they
don't work.
I was, progress, not perfection.
And that's a good one.
It's just, and I, I've been inthe 12 step world for 24 years
(05:35):
and I hear people talk a lotabout black and white thinking.
If I can't do it perfect, thenwhy bother?
And that's such a defeatist.
Way to live and with thepressure of social media.
I feel like there's so manyUnconscious Subconscious things,
you know coming at us.
(05:56):
I mean we put pressure onourselves that internal
pressure, but then there's theexternal too Oh gosh the
statistics around how Socialmedia have negatively impacted
us are quite staggering,actually just amongst young
people, 12 to 18 years old, 25to 30 percent of kids between 12
(06:21):
and 18 have maladaptiveperfectionism.
Because of social media everyonehas a perfect life on social
media and I don't.
And then I feel bad about myselfand then the negative spiral of
negative self talk and leads to,mental health issues, even
suicide, suicidal ideation,which is really frightening for
(06:43):
children.
And as adults, it's even higher,like 68 percent of Americans are
dealing with some level ofperfectionism.
Wow, that's a lot of people sothe good news is y'all are not
alone right and Knowing thatyou're not alone enables you to
(07:04):
go, Oh if I don't have to beperfect, but I can continue to
bring my best, how does thatchange things?
How does that shift my energy,my attention, my focus?
How does my body feeldifferently when I take that
unnecessary pressure off yoursystem?
I love that.
And I'm very like triple Aresults, and which can be great
(07:28):
sometimes.
But I know Tony Robbins talks alot about like doing the work
and loving the work ofsomething.
And that helps me think aboutlike yoga practice.
They don't say yoga perfect,yoga practice, right?
Because.
Every day your balance can bedifferent.
(07:49):
I had so much fun, Michelle.
I was, I love behind the scenes,I both love the arts and they
had all these nutcrackerballerinas commenting and it was
I loved it because I've seen thenutcracker a gazillion times,
but it was so interestinglistening to them talk about
what was going on in their headduring this certain Dance or
(08:10):
whoops I fell on the snow thattime and listening to their
process cause ballet, there's somuch about perfection.
So anyway yeah I just, I loveyour work.
I just get a kick out of talkingto you every time.
And you've spoken at someamazing places like Berkeley and
(08:30):
Michelle, can you tell us one ofyour favorite success stories?
So that people might be able tohear something for themselves.
Sure.
Absolutely.
In the work that I do, it'sreally about helping people
recognize the conversationsthey're having with themselves
(08:52):
that are detrimental to theirwellbeing and oftentimes they
don't.
They don't see it, they don'trecognize it, but they do see or
feel or recognize the pain thatthey're feeling in their body.
And one client who came to me,this was a few years ago her
name's Janae and she had her ownonline business and she was
(09:14):
dealing with very chronic IBS,inflammatory bowel syndrome.
And she'd had it for over 15years.
And it was to the point whereshe didn't want to leave the
house or go too far from thehouse because she was afraid her
body would betray her, right?
That she would have to run backto the bathroom.
(09:35):
And so it created that theanxiety just just kept
multiplying on top of itself,right?
So when she came to me we did adeep dive into where some of
these beliefs came from, right?
And the work that I do is acombination of positive
psychology and neuroscience andsomatic therapy and mindfulness
(09:59):
and hypnotherapy.
And through this combination oftools, I'm able to help clients
tap into their subconsciousthinking to understand what's at
the root causes of theselimiting beliefs they're
carrying around.
So in Janae's case, she realizedthat In high school, her dad was
(10:20):
her basketball coach.
And even though she was the starplayer, he would still berate
her on the way home.
Why did you do that shot thatway?
I can't believe you messed upthat.
And he would, his need forperfectionism to be seen in the
world.
as right as the coach made herinto a super perfectionist.
(10:41):
So she had to get everythingjust right, which created high
levels of anxiety, whichmanifested as IBS in her gut for
15 years, suffering from chronicIBS.
And so once we got at the rootcause and she realized, wow.
I'm not in that place.
I'm not living with my dad.
(11:04):
He has no control over me.
She, she lives close by to herfamily.
She loves them.
And she was able to look at thecircumstances through a
different lens and point of viewand shift her perspective.
So we literally rewrote thestory she was telling herself,
building new neural pathways inher brain and her IBS.
(11:25):
It stopped.
It turned off.
Her gut was able to heal,finally, because of the dynamics
of what she was telling herself.
Your brain is so powerful.
The thoughts that you thinkmanifest your reality.
So she was manifesting her needfor perfectionism in her gut,
and her gut was constantly like,No, it's not right yet.
(11:47):
It's not right yet.
By doing this work together,over just three or four months,
she was able to dial her IBS allthe way down to almost zero,
increase her happiness and herwell being.
And a few years later, she cameback to me.
She just had a baby and she wassuffering from postpartum
(12:11):
depression pretty badly.
She's Oh, I know I need to reachout to Michelle.
And so we did some more worktogether.
Because the postpartumdepression was re triggering her
anxiety.
So we reconfigured her thinking,her mindset, the conversation
she was having with herself.
Her depression went away, heranxiety dialed back down, and
(12:36):
Since we last spoke, she and herfamily have moved to the place
she always wanted to live.
Her business is thriving beyondwhat she ever imagined.
She's just created this reallybeautiful life for herself
because she was able to changeher mind.
And so it's, Not as hard as youthink, but it can be very
(12:58):
challenging because of the oldpatterns, the stories that we
tell ourselves, even theemotional inheritance, the
negative stories that we adoptfrom our families of origin.
So it's really powerful workthat I just love.
And I love watching peopletransform their lives.
(13:18):
I love it.
I love it.
I, yeah, I feel like you givepeople Access to freedom and P.
Absolutely.
It's so much fun to be able totake action when you haven't
been unable to, it's so freeing.
It's like releasing yourselffrom a cage because I've been
(13:40):
there, right?
I've been caught in my ownperfectionism.
It's why I wrote the book withmy colleague, Tom Collins, as a
way to move beyond my own needfor perfectionism.
All the stuff that I've carriedaround for too long.
It was really funny cause as wewere writing it Tom's wife
happened to be our developmentaleditor.
(14:01):
Their business is called MasterBook Builders and they help
people write their books.
And I just so happened to get towork with both of them.
Cause Tom invited me tocollaborate with him on this
book.
And, we would work on it chapterby chapter and then we'd go back
and we edit it.
And Yvonne would be like, It'sperfect.
Move on.
We're like, okay, we got to walkour talk.
(14:22):
Step away from the chapter, moveon to the next one.
It was pretty funny.
I love that.
Yeah.
You can edit, you can makeyourself crazy.
I love that.
And another thing I think it'simportant for people to know
that I learned from working withyou, Michelle, is that
perfectionism is a traumaresponse.
(14:42):
Yes.
And I, I guess I'm 56 and I'mstill learning, I'm still
pulling the puzzles and I didn'trealize, but growing up in high
dysfunction, I think I wastrying to be perfect, trying to
get the love from my alcoholic.
Insane stepmother and my father.
(15:04):
So I was like 4.
0 president of everything.
But meanwhile, I was alsobulimic and doing other self
harming things.
But I think it was, I was tryingso desperately.
To get their love and approval.
And unfortunately, when you'rein the throes of addiction, you
(15:24):
don't have it to give, but justlike knowing, Oh, I never
realized that was related.
Can you speak to that in caseanybody else is listening?
Yeah, absolutely.
I didn't realize that was thecase either until I started
digging into this work morefully for myself and recognizing
(15:47):
that As a child, if you're inthe midst of dysfunction, or
even in my case, I grew up in aperfectly imperfect family.
There was no visibledysfunction.
My parents are happily married.
My brother and sister are lovelyhuman beings.
There's no addiction there.
However the level of attentionand love that I required was
(16:10):
different than what my parentshad to give running multiple
businesses.
So whether my story, your story,or somewhere in between, right?
Sometimes it's not even painfulevents that happen that cause
the trauma that leave the scar,i.
(16:32):
e.
the belief about yourself.
Oh, I'm not good enough, or I'mnot lovable, or I'm not worthy
of my parents attention or love.
If I just try harder, if I canjust try harder, prove to them
that I'm good enough, that I'mlovable, that I'm worthy, that
I'm valuable, then they'll loveme.
Then they'll give me the pat onthe back.
(16:53):
Then they'll give me theattagirl, right?
Whatever it is.
And You can keep yourself caughtspinning on that hamster wheel
for decades, right?
Until you realize and go, Ohwhat if I took the position that
I am enough and I am lovable andI am worthy and Those people in
(17:18):
that moment were doing the bestthey could, right?
Just notice how your shouldersdrop and you're able to breathe
a little more deeply becauseyou're able to find a different
perspective that is a little bitmore.
self nurturing, right?
And from that place you can takeand put, one foot in front of
(17:40):
the other to get you to whereyou really want to be versus
spinning in circles in the, I'mnot enough hamster wheel.
I love that.
I love that so much.
And I think, it's such a wasteof energy, right?
Yeah.
But I think I've also tried tobe perfect at my job.
(18:05):
That trying to be perfect so Ican get their approval again.
Like I really, just talking withyou has opened up so many things
for me.
And I, I think if anybody'slistening who is a people
pleaser or a recovering peoplepleaser that, or a shapeshifter.
There's so many ways thatperfectionism.
Sneaks in and you don't evenrecognize it.
(18:28):
That's why I loved it when wewere doing our work together
Then you're like, oh, i'm just ai'm just a messy perfectionist.
Isn't that interesting?
I'm like, huh and that's okayIt's okay.
I'm messy And I have a high barYeah, okay, right but
recognizing that then gives youthe freedom to go can I be messy
(18:50):
and lower my bar a little bit?
Does it have to be that high?
Can I give myself some creditfrom what I have already
achieved and what I haveaccomplished?
Absolutely.
And because ultimately I just, Iwant to be more effective,
right?
I want to be, we, I think we allwant to be effective and reach
our potential, whatever thatmeans.
(19:12):
And that can be changing.
Oh, I just love theseconversations, Michelle.
And the stories you've told havebeen fabulous.
If I may, I would love to giveyou one tiny tweak.
Oh, please.
I'm always open to feedback.
In our, fast paced world.
So when you were talking aboutthe IBS woman, I loved it
because you went deep into thewhole sort of the evolution of
(19:37):
the work of it.
And I'm just wondering if nexttime, maybe you say, This is a
slight sidebar.
I'm going to explain a littlebit about the process, but stick
with me or something like, causewe were talking about her and
all of a sudden we went moreinto the work and so there was a
part of me that was like, wheredo we go?
(19:58):
I'm like, anyway it's tiny causeit was a beautiful story and I
think sometimes.
When we can guide our audience,like hang in with me, I'm going
to explain this thing and thenyou'll understand.
Let me take a left turn here forjust a minute and then we'll get
back to where we're going.
Absolutely.
No, I love that.
That's perfect.
Sometimes I want to explaineverything and it's they don't
(20:20):
need to know everything.
That's one thing that's been sogood about comedy, right?
Because you want to look atevery word.
Because the less words, the morepow.
Yes, absolutely.
And I know, okay, so Michelle,you're doing this really cool
thing that's starting soon.
Tell us about your upcomingthing.
I forget what it's called, but.
(20:40):
My thing.
Actually, I have an amazing new,not new.
It's my next group program forwomen called Reclaiming Your
True Self.
And it's a program.
especially dedicated for women,busy, professional women that
perhaps have achieved levels ofsuccess, but despite their
(21:03):
accolades, they're still feelinglike there's a missing
Something's not quite right.
Something's not quite alignedwith my heart and my spirit, but
I'm doing work that I like, butsomething's a little off.
I was just having a conversationearlier with someone and this
was exactly the case.
And so over four months togetherin the circle of support These
(21:24):
women are not only going to bethere for each other, but
they're going to have individualand group coaching and
hypnotherapy support from me tocreate the deeper levels of
healing and transformation thatthey're longing for, to get at
those root causes of what'sblocking their view, right?
To eliminate the perfectionismthe people pleasing, the
(21:47):
imposter syndrome that'screating burnout, that's
creating overwhelm on theirlives.
So then they can go, this iswhat I want.
This is how I'm going to createit.
These are the steps I'm going totake.
And then having this beautiful,small group of women, like
cheering them on every step ofthe way so that six months from
(22:09):
now, they can look back and go,wow, look at the quantum leap
that I've made because not onlywhat I've learned about myself,
but the support that I've gottenfrom this amazing group of
women.
So I'm super excited about it.
The next group starts at the endof January.
And if folks are interested,then I'm happy to have a
(22:31):
complimentary and confidentialchat to see if now is the right
time.
For them to create a space ofgreater self care to amplify
their dreams, their goals, andtheir wellbeing.
This, it sounds amazing,Michelle.
And I'm so excited cause I'mgoing to do it fabulous.
(22:52):
It's going to be so powerful.
The women who are alreadyenrolled in it are amazing.
And I love how these groups cometogether because all the perfect
personalities come together fromvarious walks of life from all
over the country.
And it's going to be amazing.
Very cool.
Okay.
So if somebody is interested orthey want to know about your
(23:14):
book or.
Where else, what's the bestplace for people to find you?
Sure, I can always go tomichellemolitor.
com.
I'm sure we'll have a link inthe show notes for this.
My book, I Am Perfectly Flossomis available on Amazon and
Kindle and Audible.
So you can listen to it, you canread it, you can color in it,
(23:35):
you can do all the things.
And my Reclaiming Your True Selfprogram all the information's on
my website.
So you can go find that up inthe menu.
And yeah, just reach out ifyou'd like to schedule a chat.
Be great.
I love it.
And, I just want to say thistime of year, a lot of people
are, they set their goals ortheir vision or their
resolutions, whatever you wantto call it.
(23:56):
And which is, it is exciting,right?
And if you're doing the samething you've done every year and
you're expecting differentresults, that's the definition
of insanity.
Crazy.
Ask me how I know.
All right.
And it's great to try again.
(24:16):
And this work could be thething, could be the thing that's
really the key to the queendom,if you will, because We know how
to set the goals, and then it's,but then it's like taking the
action, staying on the course,doing the setback, all the
things.
But if you have this new set oftools and a new level of
(24:38):
understanding about how youwork, your behavior, your
motivations, your emotional, butall the things like all your
blind spots, right?
Because that's part of mysuperpower is people come to me
and they're like, my life isgreat.
They've got these blinders on.
They think, Oh yeah.
I'm like what happens if youtake the blinders off?
(24:59):
What else is available to you?
And they're like, Oh, it nevereven occurred to me that I could
take the blinders off.
This just happened to merecently, a conversation that
like blew the doors off my wayof thinking about certain
things.
I was like, Oh, I've been doingthis all wrong, I guess maybe I
(25:19):
need to, build a bigger pie,right?
And so it was really fascinatingand I love it when you know, the
universe conspires to help ussee the thing that's usually
just on the end of our nose,right?
We forgot, was right there.
And yeah and change course toalign more with your true
heart's intentions.
(25:41):
Your work in the world is sounique and we need it, right?
I can't do what you do.
No one else can do what you doin the way that you do it.
So being really honest withyourself and saying, what is it
that I really want?
What brings me so much joy?
And how can I move in thatdirection to have more of that
(26:02):
every single day?
And when you do doors andwindows start to open up to
conspire on your behalf, to havewhat you want, it's really a
beautiful thing to witness.
I love it.
I love watching you talk aboutyour work.
It's.
Very inspiring.
So thank you everybody so much.
(26:24):
I will put all of our details inthe show notes and please join
us at the end of January.
It's not too late.
We've still got a few spacesleft.
Yep.
January 22nd is when we beginand yeah, there's just a few
spots left.
So please reach out if you'reinterested and yeah, we will get
you on the bus.
So excited and thanks everybodyfor watching and listening and I
(26:47):
can't wait to see you on thescreen or stage soon All right.
Bye for now.
Bye for now.
Thanks
Hi everybody, Elaine Williamshere with Captivate the Mic, and
I am so excited to share myguest with you.
I have the amazing Michelle herefrom Perfectly Awesome.
I'm going to let her tell youall the things.
Michelle, I'm so excited thatyou're here.
And it's so perfect because it'sthe new year, new you.
(00:28):
I always feel like January isself hatred month.
So I know we can use some ofyour work.
Tell us a little bit about whoyou are for people who aren't
familiar with you yet, please.
Sure.
Thank you for having me on theshow, Elaine.
I'm delighted to be here.
So hi everyone, Michelle Molitorhere at Nectar Consulting.
I'm the co author of I AmPerfectly Flossom, How Embracing
(00:52):
Imperfection Makes Us Better.
And I'm a recoveringperfectionist.
I got bullied out of my hightech career.
I was a creative director in myformer life.
And yeah, it was prettydevastating.
It really knocked all theconfidence out of me, what
little there was.
And left me searching who am Inow?
(01:14):
And what do I do?
And I, it created a massive caseof imposter syndrome for me and
it dialed my perfectionism up toabout a thousand.
And in the process of trying tofigure out my next steps, I
discovered coaching as a way tohelp me figure that out.
And getting some coaching.
many moons ago when it was avery brand new industry.
(01:35):
I was like, Oh, this is the workI meant to be doing.
So I pivoted my career and I gottrained and certified and became
a professional coach back in2001.
And I've been doing it eversince.
I love my work.
It's really about helpingrelieve the mental, emotional,
physical suffering that peoplecarry around and often hide from
(01:57):
themselves and others to releaseit out of their nervous system
and find greater joy andhappiness and success.
Wow.
Oh, I love it.
So much to unpack there.
Yes, Michelle I'm so honored.
We've been working together onsome different things and I have
learned so much from listeningto you talk about your
(02:17):
Successful client stories andyour own journey.
And, for anybody who'slistening, I didn't think of
myself as a perfectionist.
Cause I'm like, I'm creative.
I'm messy.
I'm not anal.
And yet I have realized one ofmy discoveries of 2024 was I am
actually a closet perfectionistin some areas.
(02:41):
And I had hidden that frommyself because I had so much
judgment against, those analretentive people who were like,
want to cross every T and dotevery I.
I've always been like yeah, bigpicture.
Let's do it.
Which is not always great.
You need to have details andcontracts and, and so that has
been, Sort of nauseating, butalso enlightening to realize,
(03:05):
oh, I am a perfectionist incertain things.
And that's why I get stop, likebeyond blocked.
Like it took me over a year justto tweak a website, because I
felt like I had to be so perfectbecause I teach video.
Anyway I'm just encouraginganybody who is listening to this
(03:25):
or watching us, you may notthink you're perfectionist and I
encourage you to be open becausethere may be an area or two in
your life where you actually areand you just have hidden it from
yourself.
Yes, it happens to the best ofus and we think perfectionism is
a good thing, right?
Because we want things to bejust right.
(03:46):
We want them to be beautiful.
And yes, absolutely.
But in, in our book which alignswith a Japanese philosophy of
Kintsugi, which is the art ofgolden repair.
It's about repairing the cracksin broken pottery and mending it
with gold dust so that the.
(04:07):
The mended piece is morebeautiful, more valuable than
before.
So if we apply that to ourselvesif we apply perfectionism to
ourselves and realize that ourbroken and cracked places within
ourselves are actually part ofwhat make us more beautiful and
more awesome, more flawsome, asI would like to say, flawed and
(04:28):
awesome all at the same time,right?
So instead of, I have to get itjust think about.
How can I strive for excellencein a way that gets me pretty
darn close to my goal of A 100%,but I'm not killing myself in
the process, or I'm not movinginto procrastination or even
(04:51):
avoidance for fear of notgetting it right.
So when you can embrace strivingfor excellence, you can get out
of that stuck in spinning placeand instead get back into
action.
To reach your goal in aperfectly imperfect way because
nothing is ever final.
(05:12):
You can always do over, tryagain, or take the next step,
learn what you need to learn andkeep going forward.
I love that.
I just wrote a newsletter and Iwas encouraging people to pick a
slogan for the year because Ithink resolutions are just, they
don't work.
I was, progress, not perfection.
And that's a good one.
It's just, and I, I've been inthe 12 step world for 24 years
(05:35):
and I hear people talk a lotabout black and white thinking.
If I can't do it perfect, thenwhy bother?
And that's such a defeatist.
Way to live and with thepressure of social media.
I feel like there's so manyUnconscious Subconscious things,
you know coming at us.
(05:56):
I mean we put pressure onourselves that internal
pressure, but then there's theexternal too Oh gosh the
statistics around how Socialmedia have negatively impacted
us are quite staggering,actually just amongst young
people, 12 to 18 years old, 25to 30 percent of kids between 12
(06:21):
and 18 have maladaptiveperfectionism.
Because of social media everyonehas a perfect life on social
media and I don't.
And then I feel bad about myselfand then the negative spiral of
negative self talk and leads to,mental health issues, even
suicide, suicidal ideation,which is really frightening for
(06:43):
children.
And as adults, it's even higher,like 68 percent of Americans are
dealing with some level ofperfectionism.
Wow, that's a lot of people sothe good news is y'all are not
alone right and Knowing thatyou're not alone enables you to
(07:04):
go, Oh if I don't have to beperfect, but I can continue to
bring my best, how does thatchange things?
How does that shift my energy,my attention, my focus?
How does my body feeldifferently when I take that
unnecessary pressure off yoursystem?
I love that.
And I'm very like triple Aresults, and which can be great
(07:28):
sometimes.
But I know Tony Robbins talks alot about like doing the work
and loving the work ofsomething.
And that helps me think aboutlike yoga practice.
They don't say yoga perfect,yoga practice, right?
Because.
Every day your balance can bedifferent.
(07:49):
I had so much fun, Michelle.
I was, I love behind the scenes,I both love the arts and they
had all these nutcrackerballerinas commenting and it was
I loved it because I've seen thenutcracker a gazillion times,
but it was so interestinglistening to them talk about
what was going on in their headduring this certain Dance or
(08:10):
whoops I fell on the snow thattime and listening to their
process cause ballet, there's somuch about perfection.
So anyway yeah I just, I loveyour work.
I just get a kick out of talkingto you every time.
And you've spoken at someamazing places like Berkeley and
(08:30):
Michelle, can you tell us one ofyour favorite success stories?
So that people might be able tohear something for themselves.
Sure.
Absolutely.
In the work that I do, it'sreally about helping people
recognize the conversationsthey're having with themselves
(08:52):
that are detrimental to theirwellbeing and oftentimes they
don't.
They don't see it, they don'trecognize it, but they do see or
feel or recognize the pain thatthey're feeling in their body.
And one client who came to me,this was a few years ago her
name's Janae and she had her ownonline business and she was
(09:14):
dealing with very chronic IBS,inflammatory bowel syndrome.
And she'd had it for over 15years.
And it was to the point whereshe didn't want to leave the
house or go too far from thehouse because she was afraid her
body would betray her, right?
That she would have to run backto the bathroom.
(09:35):
And so it created that theanxiety just just kept
multiplying on top of itself,right?
So when she came to me we did adeep dive into where some of
these beliefs came from, right?
And the work that I do is acombination of positive
psychology and neuroscience andsomatic therapy and mindfulness
(09:59):
and hypnotherapy.
And through this combination oftools, I'm able to help clients
tap into their subconsciousthinking to understand what's at
the root causes of theselimiting beliefs they're
carrying around.
So in Janae's case, she realizedthat In high school, her dad was
(10:20):
her basketball coach.
And even though she was the starplayer, he would still berate
her on the way home.
Why did you do that shot thatway?
I can't believe you messed upthat.
And he would, his need forperfectionism to be seen in the
world.
as right as the coach made herinto a super perfectionist.
(10:41):
So she had to get everythingjust right, which created high
levels of anxiety, whichmanifested as IBS in her gut for
15 years, suffering from chronicIBS.
And so once we got at the rootcause and she realized, wow.
I'm not in that place.
I'm not living with my dad.
(11:04):
He has no control over me.
She, she lives close by to herfamily.
She loves them.
And she was able to look at thecircumstances through a
different lens and point of viewand shift her perspective.
So we literally rewrote thestory she was telling herself,
building new neural pathways inher brain and her IBS.
(11:25):
It stopped.
It turned off.
Her gut was able to heal,finally, because of the dynamics
of what she was telling herself.
Your brain is so powerful.
The thoughts that you thinkmanifest your reality.
So she was manifesting her needfor perfectionism in her gut,
and her gut was constantly like,No, it's not right yet.
(11:47):
It's not right yet.
By doing this work together,over just three or four months,
she was able to dial her IBS allthe way down to almost zero,
increase her happiness and herwell being.
And a few years later, she cameback to me.
She just had a baby and she wassuffering from postpartum
(12:11):
depression pretty badly.
She's Oh, I know I need to reachout to Michelle.
And so we did some more worktogether.
Because the postpartumdepression was re triggering her
anxiety.
So we reconfigured her thinking,her mindset, the conversation
she was having with herself.
Her depression went away, heranxiety dialed back down, and
(12:36):
Since we last spoke, she and herfamily have moved to the place
she always wanted to live.
Her business is thriving beyondwhat she ever imagined.
She's just created this reallybeautiful life for herself
because she was able to changeher mind.
And so it's, Not as hard as youthink, but it can be very
(12:58):
challenging because of the oldpatterns, the stories that we
tell ourselves, even theemotional inheritance, the
negative stories that we adoptfrom our families of origin.
So it's really powerful workthat I just love.
And I love watching peopletransform their lives.
(13:18):
I love it.
I love it.
I, yeah, I feel like you givepeople Access to freedom and P.
Absolutely.
It's so much fun to be able totake action when you haven't
been unable to, it's so freeing.
It's like releasing yourselffrom a cage because I've been
(13:40):
there, right?
I've been caught in my ownperfectionism.
It's why I wrote the book withmy colleague, Tom Collins, as a
way to move beyond my own needfor perfectionism.
All the stuff that I've carriedaround for too long.
It was really funny cause as wewere writing it Tom's wife
happened to be our developmentaleditor.
(14:01):
Their business is called MasterBook Builders and they help
people write their books.
And I just so happened to get towork with both of them.
Cause Tom invited me tocollaborate with him on this
book.
And, we would work on it chapterby chapter and then we'd go back
and we edit it.
And Yvonne would be like, It'sperfect.
Move on.
We're like, okay, we got to walkour talk.
(14:22):
Step away from the chapter, moveon to the next one.
It was pretty funny.
I love that.
Yeah.
You can edit, you can makeyourself crazy.
I love that.
And another thing I think it'simportant for people to know
that I learned from working withyou, Michelle, is that
perfectionism is a traumaresponse.
(14:42):
Yes.
And I, I guess I'm 56 and I'mstill learning, I'm still
pulling the puzzles and I didn'trealize, but growing up in high
dysfunction, I think I wastrying to be perfect, trying to
get the love from my alcoholic.
Insane stepmother and my father.
(15:04):
So I was like 4.
0 president of everything.
But meanwhile, I was alsobulimic and doing other self
harming things.
But I think it was, I was tryingso desperately.
To get their love and approval.
And unfortunately, when you'rein the throes of addiction, you
(15:24):
don't have it to give, but justlike knowing, Oh, I never
realized that was related.
Can you speak to that in caseanybody else is listening?
Yeah, absolutely.
I didn't realize that was thecase either until I started
digging into this work morefully for myself and recognizing
(15:47):
that As a child, if you're inthe midst of dysfunction, or
even in my case, I grew up in aperfectly imperfect family.
There was no visibledysfunction.
My parents are happily married.
My brother and sister are lovelyhuman beings.
There's no addiction there.
However the level of attentionand love that I required was
(16:10):
different than what my parentshad to give running multiple
businesses.
So whether my story, your story,or somewhere in between, right?
Sometimes it's not even painfulevents that happen that cause
the trauma that leave the scar,i.
(16:32):
e.
the belief about yourself.
Oh, I'm not good enough, or I'mnot lovable, or I'm not worthy
of my parents attention or love.
If I just try harder, if I canjust try harder, prove to them
that I'm good enough, that I'mlovable, that I'm worthy, that
I'm valuable, then they'll loveme.
Then they'll give me the pat onthe back.
(16:53):
Then they'll give me theattagirl, right?
Whatever it is.
And You can keep yourself caughtspinning on that hamster wheel
for decades, right?
Until you realize and go, Ohwhat if I took the position that
I am enough and I am lovable andI am worthy and Those people in
(17:18):
that moment were doing the bestthey could, right?
Just notice how your shouldersdrop and you're able to breathe
a little more deeply becauseyou're able to find a different
perspective that is a little bitmore.
self nurturing, right?
And from that place you can takeand put, one foot in front of
(17:40):
the other to get you to whereyou really want to be versus
spinning in circles in the, I'mnot enough hamster wheel.
I love that.
I love that so much.
And I think, it's such a wasteof energy, right?
Yeah.
But I think I've also tried tobe perfect at my job.
(18:05):
That trying to be perfect so Ican get their approval again.
Like I really, just talking withyou has opened up so many things
for me.
And I, I think if anybody'slistening who is a people
pleaser or a recovering peoplepleaser that, or a shapeshifter.
There's so many ways thatperfectionism.
Sneaks in and you don't evenrecognize it.
(18:28):
That's why I loved it when wewere doing our work together
Then you're like, oh, i'm just ai'm just a messy perfectionist.
Isn't that interesting?
I'm like, huh and that's okayIt's okay.
I'm messy And I have a high barYeah, okay, right but
recognizing that then gives youthe freedom to go can I be messy
(18:50):
and lower my bar a little bit?
Does it have to be that high?
Can I give myself some creditfrom what I have already
achieved and what I haveaccomplished?
Absolutely.
And because ultimately I just, Iwant to be more effective,
right?
I want to be, we, I think we allwant to be effective and reach
our potential, whatever thatmeans.
(19:12):
And that can be changing.
Oh, I just love theseconversations, Michelle.
And the stories you've told havebeen fabulous.
If I may, I would love to giveyou one tiny tweak.
Oh, please.
I'm always open to feedback.
In our, fast paced world.
So when you were talking aboutthe IBS woman, I loved it
because you went deep into thewhole sort of the evolution of
(19:37):
the work of it.
And I'm just wondering if nexttime, maybe you say, This is a
slight sidebar.
I'm going to explain a littlebit about the process, but stick
with me or something like, causewe were talking about her and
all of a sudden we went moreinto the work and so there was a
part of me that was like, wheredo we go?
(19:58):
I'm like, anyway it's tiny causeit was a beautiful story and I
think sometimes.
When we can guide our audience,like hang in with me, I'm going
to explain this thing and thenyou'll understand.
Let me take a left turn here forjust a minute and then we'll get
back to where we're going.
Absolutely.
No, I love that.
That's perfect.
Sometimes I want to explaineverything and it's they don't
(20:20):
need to know everything.
That's one thing that's been sogood about comedy, right?
Because you want to look atevery word.
Because the less words, the morepow.
Yes, absolutely.
And I know, okay, so Michelle,you're doing this really cool
thing that's starting soon.
Tell us about your upcomingthing.
I forget what it's called, but.
(20:40):
My thing.
Actually, I have an amazing new,not new.
It's my next group program forwomen called Reclaiming Your
True Self.
And it's a program.
especially dedicated for women,busy, professional women that
perhaps have achieved levels ofsuccess, but despite their
(21:03):
accolades, they're still feelinglike there's a missing
Something's not quite right.
Something's not quite alignedwith my heart and my spirit, but
I'm doing work that I like, butsomething's a little off.
I was just having a conversationearlier with someone and this
was exactly the case.
And so over four months togetherin the circle of support These
(21:24):
women are not only going to bethere for each other, but
they're going to have individualand group coaching and
hypnotherapy support from me tocreate the deeper levels of
healing and transformation thatthey're longing for, to get at
those root causes of what'sblocking their view, right?
To eliminate the perfectionismthe people pleasing, the
(21:47):
imposter syndrome that'screating burnout, that's
creating overwhelm on theirlives.
So then they can go, this iswhat I want.
This is how I'm going to createit.
These are the steps I'm going totake.
And then having this beautiful,small group of women, like
cheering them on every step ofthe way so that six months from
(22:09):
now, they can look back and go,wow, look at the quantum leap
that I've made because not onlywhat I've learned about myself,
but the support that I've gottenfrom this amazing group of
women.
So I'm super excited about it.
The next group starts at the endof January.
And if folks are interested,then I'm happy to have a
(22:31):
complimentary and confidentialchat to see if now is the right
time.
For them to create a space ofgreater self care to amplify
their dreams, their goals, andtheir wellbeing.
This, it sounds amazing,Michelle.
And I'm so excited cause I'mgoing to do it fabulous.
(22:52):
It's going to be so powerful.
The women who are alreadyenrolled in it are amazing.
And I love how these groups cometogether because all the perfect
personalities come together fromvarious walks of life from all
over the country.
And it's going to be amazing.
Very cool.
Okay.
So if somebody is interested orthey want to know about your
(23:14):
book or.
Where else, what's the bestplace for people to find you?
Sure, I can always go tomichellemolitor.
com.
I'm sure we'll have a link inthe show notes for this.
My book, I Am Perfectly Flossomis available on Amazon and
Kindle and Audible.
So you can listen to it, you canread it, you can color in it,
(23:35):
you can do all the things.
And my Reclaiming Your True Selfprogram all the information's on
my website.
So you can go find that up inthe menu.
And yeah, just reach out ifyou'd like to schedule a chat.
Be great.
I love it.
And, I just want to say thistime of year, a lot of people
are, they set their goals ortheir vision or their
resolutions, whatever you wantto call it.
(23:56):
And which is, it is exciting,right?
And if you're doing the samething you've done every year and
you're expecting differentresults, that's the definition
of insanity.
Crazy.
Ask me how I know.
All right.
And it's great to try again.
(24:16):
And this work could be thething, could be the thing that's
really the key to the queendom,if you will, because We know how
to set the goals, and then it's,but then it's like taking the
action, staying on the course,doing the setback, all the
things.
But if you have this new set oftools and a new level of
(24:38):
understanding about how youwork, your behavior, your
motivations, your emotional, butall the things like all your
blind spots, right?
Because that's part of mysuperpower is people come to me
and they're like, my life isgreat.
They've got these blinders on.
They think, Oh yeah.
I'm like what happens if youtake the blinders off?
(24:59):
What else is available to you?
And they're like, Oh, it nevereven occurred to me that I could
take the blinders off.
This just happened to merecently, a conversation that
like blew the doors off my wayof thinking about certain
things.
I was like, Oh, I've been doingthis all wrong, I guess maybe I
(25:19):
need to, build a bigger pie,right?
And so it was really fascinatingand I love it when you know, the
universe conspires to help ussee the thing that's usually
just on the end of our nose,right?
We forgot, was right there.
And yeah and change course toalign more with your true
heart's intentions.
(25:41):
Your work in the world is sounique and we need it, right?
I can't do what you do.
No one else can do what you doin the way that you do it.
So being really honest withyourself and saying, what is it
that I really want?
What brings me so much joy?
And how can I move in thatdirection to have more of that
(26:02):
every single day?
And when you do doors andwindows start to open up to
conspire on your behalf, to havewhat you want, it's really a
beautiful thing to witness.
I love it.
I love watching you talk aboutyour work.
It's.
Very inspiring.
So thank you everybody so much.
(26:24):
I will put all of our details inthe show notes and please join
us at the end of January.
It's not too late.
We've still got a few spacesleft.
Yep.
January 22nd is when we beginand yeah, there's just a few
spots left.
So please reach out if you'reinterested and yeah, we will get
you on the bus.
So excited and thanks everybodyfor watching and listening and I
(26:47):
can't wait to see you on thescreen or stage soon All right.
Bye for now.
Bye for now.
Thanks
Popular Podcasts
United States of Kennedy
United States of Kennedy is a podcast about our cultural fascination with the Kennedy dynasty. Every week, hosts Lyra Smith and George Civeris go into one aspect of the Kennedy story.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com