Cary Harrison Files

The world's smartest people have spent decades wondering whether artificial intelligence might someday govern humanity. Then, in a display of scientific curiosity usually associated with a possum licking a car battery, somebody finally handed the keys to a simulated civilization over to a collection of AI chatbots and said, "Go ahead, Show us what you've got."

What they got was the digital equivalent of giving a hyperactive fifth-gr...

Marble Doodads & Gold Toilets, and the Gospel of Political Vanity

Brother Jasper Culpepper, chaplain to the GOP (God’s Own Party)

Friends, the Republic Was Never Supposed to Sparkle. These are spiritually confusing times for True Christians.

For generations, Washington, D.C. looked exactly the way government oughta look: restrained, dusty, mildly constipated, and faintly embarrassed to exist at all. Marble columns stood aro...

Then the marketing departments arrived like locusts wearing Patagonia vests.

Now every mall philosopher with a yoga mat and a TikTok account clutches a fourteen-dollar bottle of “alkaline glacier water” as if it were squeezed from the kidneys of Nordic angels. The labels promise transcendence. Snowy mountains. Crystal waterfalls. Fonts whispering spiritual superiority. You’re not drinking water anymore. You’r...

Friends, this is a glorious and deeply troubling time for True Christians everywhere.

Glorious, because the Lord has once again confirmed through the miracle of consumer electronics that the End Times are upon us. Troubling, because in delivering us these signs, He has chosen as His vessel the one garment that True Christians have always known to be — at minimum — theologically suspicious.

The undergarment, friends. The u...

I know what you’re thinking.

“Cary, that sounds like it was named by a second-grader who ate a full bag of Halloween candy, found his dad’s old war movies, and drew a strategy on a Denny’s placemat with a broken crayon.”

You’d be exactly right. Except this particular second-grader has a nuclear football, a military budget that makes the next ten countries look like they’re fundraising with a ...

Let’s start with the good news. Reality still exists. Somewhere. Probably. It’s hiding under a pile of sponsored content and a terms-of-service agreement you clicked “agree” on in 2019 without reading — which means you technically signed over your soul, your browsing history, and your cat’s emotional support status to a Delaware LLC that doesn’t exist anymore.

The deed to reality changed han...

riends, this is a sad time for True Christians everywhere. Just when we were convinced the End Times are finally upon us, God in His infinite wisdom and wrath has once again signaled that we will have to wait even longer for the day when we can join Him and His Son in Heaven’s crystal palace. This is truly a sad time, indeed. The Deep State is clearly a tool of the devil. And Satan has won, yet again.

Our confidence that the R...

Alex Karp wants your children to go to war. He is very passionate about this. He has published a whole book about it — The Technological Republic — which is the kind of title that tells you immediately this guy has never had to parallel park, do his own laundry, or explain to a draft board why his knees don’t work.

He and his co-author slapped together a 22-point manifesto, dropped it on X on a Sunday like a flamin...

Alex Karp wants your children to go to war. He is very passionate about this. He has published a whole book about it — The Technological Republic — which is the kind of title that tells you immediately this guy has never had to parallel park, do his own laundry, or explain to a draft board why his knees don’t work.

He and his co-author slapped together a 22-point manifesto, dropped it on X on a Sunday like a flamin...

Ten thousand years of agriculture, architecture, philosophy, genocide, and the occasional Renaissance—and what does the crown jewel of our species produce?

A generation that’d rather reorganize its Spotify playlists than touch another human being.

This is biology itself—a four-billion-year-old system that survived extinction events, continental drift, and the invention of Crocs—shrugging and going: “We&r...

Disclaimer: Side effects may include laughter and/or anger. Read or watch at your own risk.

There’s a rule — simple on paper, slippery in practice. Homeland Security is looking to make this the law soon.

Some cities — New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago — call themselves sanctuary cities. Which means they are sanctuaries for people in a free country called America. And Washington looks at that and says: Fine. ...

Disclaimer: Side effects may include laughter and/or anger. Read or watch at your own risk.

There’s a rule — simple on paper, slippery in practice. Homeland Security is looking to make this the law soon.

Some cities — New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago — call themselves sanctuary cities. Which means they are sanctuaries for people in a free country called America. And Washington looks at that and says: Fine. ...

Disclaimer: Side effects may include laughter and/or anger. Read or watch at your own risk.

There’s a rule — simple on paper, slippery in practice. Homeland Security is looking to make this the law soon.

Some cities — New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago — call themselves sanctuary cities. Which means they are sanctuaries for people in a free country called America. And Washington looks at that and says: Fine. ...

Disclaimer: Side effects may include laughter and/or anger. Read or watch at your own risk.

El Profeta de la Era Algorítmica

Ese profeta tiene nombre, y es Alex Karp—el oráculo cinético de Palantir Technologies.

Palantir no solo recuerda dónde has estado. Redacta una teoría operativa de hacia dónde vas. Cruza referencias de tus llamadas a las 2 a.m. Mira de reojo esa descarga cuestionable de 2019. Y luego, con una compostura imp...

Disclaimer: Side effects may include laughter and/or anger. Read or watch at your own risk.

“Democracy still has a pulse. It’s faint… it smells a little… it may have recently soiled itself—but it’s alive.”

Let’s not romanticize this.

Nobody’s standing on a marble balcony with a torch. Nobody’s composing symphonies about civic virtue. The patient is wheezing, the gown is ope...

Disclaimer: Side effects may include laughter and/or anger. Read or watch at your own risk.

The Prophet of the Algorithmic Age

That prophet has a name, and it’s Alex Karp—the kinetic oracle of Palantir Technologies.

Palantir doesn’t just remember where you’ve been. It drafts a working theory of where you’re going. It cross-references your 2 a.m. calls. It side-eyes that questionable download from 2019. A...

Behold the long-awaited carnival of flesh—electric, frictionless, available on demand like a lukewarm pizza at 2 a.m.—and what does the freshest batch of Homo sapiens do upon staggering into this neon buffet of writhing possibility? They fold their arms like a suspicious customs agent, squint at it the way a cat squints at a vacuum cleaner, and shuffle off to hydrate.

You couldn’t write it better if you locked a ro...

Disclaimer: Side effects may include laughter and/or anger. Read or watch at your own risk.

Patriotas y pervertidos, contribuyentes y los que viven pegados al contribuyente — hoy te voy a contar lo que realmente está pasando mientras la república se baja los pantalones en público y lo llama gobernanza.

Vengo con buenas nuevas de una alegría descomunal, porque tú y yo estamos viviendo nada menos que la cima de la civilización oc...

Disclaimer: Side effects may include laughter and/or anger. Read or watch at your own risk.

Patriots and perverts, taxpayers and the taxpayer-adjacent — today, I’ll tell you what’s actually happening while the republic drops its drawers in public and calls it governance.

I come bearing glad tidings of tremendous joy, because you and I are living through nothing less than the apex of Western civilization. The pinnacl...