November 19, 2024 • 24 mins
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Ever wondered how to navigate the stormy seas of divorce or the loss of a loved one? Our episode of Cashflows tackles these heart-wrenching life changes with the wisdom of Cash Matthews, who offers invaluable insights and personal stories that highlight the importance of preparation and resilience. Learn how to cope with the initial emotional shock and find out why resources like the book "Suddenly Single" can become lifelines during these turbulent times. Discover practical steps to regain your footing when friends' support wanes, and long-term resilience becomes a solo journey.
Financial decisions can feel overwhelming when you become suddenly single, but this episode breaks them down into manageable steps. From scrutinizing bank statements for overlooked expenses to updating beneficiaries and removing names from joint accounts, we cover all the essential actions to protect your financial future. Hear personal anecdotes about the importance of having an up-to-date will and the emotional catharsis that comes from tackling smaller debts first. Additionally, we explore prepaid funerals, veterans benefits, and estate planning, emphasizing the relief that comes from being prepared. Don't miss our introduction to the "My Financial Plan" program, designed to ease the burden during these challenging transitions.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Kenneth Baucum (00:02):
Hello, entrepreneurs, dreamers,
business owners and happy peoplewith high hopes.
Welcome to Cash Flows with yourhost, cash Matthews.
Cash Matthews (00:14):
All right, welcome to Cash Flows, Glad
you're here today.
My name is Cash Matthews andwe're here today with Kenneth
Baucum, the executive producerof our show, and another
riveting edition of the CashFlows podcast.
Kenneth Baucum (00:26):
Yeah, yeah, ready to get it going here.
And, of course, today, though,we're going to talk about some
difficult topics.
Cash Matthews (00:34):
Yeah, I don't like this topic.
It is not one of my favorites.
Kenneth Baucum (00:38):
Yeah, but it is helpful for those that it
affects, right?
Cash Matthews (00:42):
Yeah, you know my mom and dad were divorced and
my dad left our family when Iwas young and it was tough for
my mother and there was nointernet and she didn't have
many friends and she didn't havea support group.
She just had to grind it outand that's what she did.
You know she had to dopart-time jobs and you know I
(01:02):
say in the book we call suddenlysingle what to do when it's
just you and I have beenunfortunate and fortunate to do.
My life revolved around thisand in my career I've been
through maybe 200 divorces andabout a hundred deaths and I
know that sounds like a lot, butI've been doing this a long
time.
And, um, you know we have a biggroup of people here 86, uh,
(01:29):
about actually about 9,000people in Tulsa and our
networking group that we createdand about 6,000, uh in Austin,
and so I've just been a guythat's seen a bunch of it a
couple hundred divorces, about ahundred deaths in my client and
friend group and I'll just it'sugly every single time.
There's not a lot of people saystuff like that.
(01:51):
It's usually the person goingoh, it's going to be a great
divorce.
You know there's always sometearing and it's man, it's tough
and it's tough on the kids andit's tough on the friends and
you know watching my parents gothrough it and then the
aftermath can last a lifetimeand there's not a whole lot of
choices there.
Once it happens to you, rightyeah.
Kenneth Baucum (02:11):
Yeah, and you, you had mentioned this before.
You know, half the time, youknow, marriage ends in divorce
and the other half in death,Like that's.
That's the two ways.
Cash Matthews (02:19):
That's not a very good sales pitch, just so you
know, not really, but but that'syour way out.
I mean, that's sort of it, andwe like to talk about it because
it's tough, so you can preparefor it.
And if you're watching this orlistening, we're sorry if you're
in a spot where this hashappened, if you're going
through death or divorce, you'reabout to.
You know there's a lot ofpeople that will talk to you.
(02:42):
Um, I had a friend that died upin Dallas five years ago and
everybody swore an allegiance tohis spouse.
And what I found?
Those allegiances last no morethan six weeks.
You're really special.
Friends will stick around fourto six weeks and people are back
to their normal life and that'swhat they're supposed to do.
So we're supposed to move on,we're supposed to rise up and
(03:03):
we're supposed to go to the nextpositive thing.
And what I found?
That those people who promisedthey'll be there, they're not
bad people.
It's just hard to pick upsomebody else's burden for a
long, long time and it can takeyears to be resolved.
They'll be rooting for you andthey'll like your posts.
But man, to be, to be rightthere with you, that's a
different deal.
Kenneth Baucum (03:23):
Right, and that's difficult, right.
It's a difficult thing forpeople to go through and there's
a lot of stuff that has to bedone really for either of those
two situations, you know.
So, when you become suddenlysingle, there's a lot of things
that need to happen, and I knowyou've written a book on this.
Do you have like a checklist ora set of things that people can
go through, something you'dlike to share, so that we have
(03:44):
an idea of how to move forward?
Cash Matthews (03:46):
Yeah, kenneth, that's actually here.
We're going to talk about thattoday.
First, if you'd like to get afree copy of the Suddenly Single
book, just email us atcashflowsattulsabongcom.
Tulsa Bong is our networkinggroup that's very prolific here
in Tulsa and Austin.
We would love to give you oneof these books in person or over
(04:06):
coffee, whatever's best for you.
The condition is, we'd love tomeet you, but if we could only
meet you through a Zoom call orsending a book, we'll do that
too.
We'd love to give you one ofthese books for no charge and
(04:31):
we'll even pay for the coffeejust to help you get started.
If you've got a few questions,there's nothing you can buy when
we meet.
Uh, you just might needsomebody to talk to.
So it's scary going throughthis stuff, um, and it doesn't
sound very good in public to saythat I've been through a couple
hundred divorces, um, but I'vebeen side by side with my
friends and family and customersand my networking friends and
so, man, it ain't easy.
If you're going through it andmy heart aches for you and I
pray you'll be able to get backup and go do the next good thing
(04:53):
and you're going to want to dothat for yourself, for your kids
, for your family.
You do it because the onlyoption is through.
You know you can't roll aroundin it.
It's kind of like peeing in thebed.
It's sort of warm for a minute,but you know you gotta move
through it.
I don't even know if that was agood example, but maybe it's, I
(05:13):
don't know We'll, we'll, we'll.
This is not the best show in theworld, you know we're.
We're in the top 45 millionthough so I'm good with that.
Anyway, there's a lot of stuffyou'll want to do when you're
going through.
I just had a friend of minethat's in one of our networking
groups and had read the book andwas married and curiosity to me
why she read the book and Iknew she and her husband things
(05:36):
could be going weird.
And but when people split up,and in the book we talk about
the number one thing to do,whether it's death or divorce.
But if there's a divorcepending or you can see it on the
horizon or you're talking aboutit number one go change all
your passwords immediately.
And she had said to me oh, Idon't want to do that, he'll get
mad at me.
They're already mad, they'releaving and they're making a
(06:00):
different plan without you in it.
And that sounds harsh.
But that's what's happened.
And and if you don't changeyour passwords, they can see
your checkbook, your telephonelog.
I got a call from a dude one dayand he goes who are you?
And I said cash.
And uh, he's like why did youcall my wife 11 times last month
.
Like, why did you call my wife11 times last month?
(06:23):
And I was like, oh, okay, hangon a second.
Turns out it was the ex-husbandwho had been spying on her from
her phone records.
I'd been acting in the role ofher financial advisor and we
were just talking about sortingeverything out.
Oh, and she was 84 years oldand uh, so you know, not in my
age bracket.
I'm super happy with my wife andI tried to explain that to him
(06:44):
and I'm like, hey, I'm justtrying to help her out.
Man, you're the one that leftand I made sure she changed her
passwords right after.
But he'd kind of been stalkingher and he's the one that asked.
Now he's following her aroundquestioning what she's doing and
I'm like, dude, I think youlost your right to do that Right
.
So, hey, if you're out there,don't put up with this kind of
(07:10):
crap.
My friend, who locally readthis and said, hey, if that ever
happens, I told her, change thepasswords.
Well, she didn't change thepasswords, ended up getting
divorced and he ran off with allthe money and it happens.
And, uh, you know, if that's allwe talked about today, just
this one thing do the pastor.
It'd be a great four minutepodcast.
That'd be great.
But I'm going to give you acouple of other things here and
(07:31):
I'm not going to read all ofthem.
But when you go through abreakup or death, you want to
get your social securityevaluated.
Uh, when you're checking outspousal benefits, you need to
usually go to the office and Ithink you should do that and
just say what are my options?
Tell me my options.
You can find your own stuffpersonally at socialsecuritygov
and I've actually found them tobe pretty helpful to work with.
(07:54):
That should be encouraging toyou, right?
Yeah, people talk about thegovernment, kenneth, like you
know bad or whatever.
But you know I'm not saying goto the DMV where we make those
jokes all day long, right, but Ithink you just go in, do a
local interview, determinespousal benefits, spousal
continuation benefits, and oneof the things you want to do is
make sure they are not on yourchecking account or cell phone
(08:18):
or that they can't turn off yourcable or electric.
If they've had access orauthority, that needs to be
removed right away.
There's no easy way to say that.
Kenneth Baucum (08:26):
Right, right, makes sense, right, yeah, yeah,
well, and so I'm kind of curious.
When it comes to the bank,though is it enough to just do
that at the bank, or we need to,like, get checks reprinted and
everything right, because theirnames are at the top of the
checks too?
Cash Matthews (08:46):
Yeah, I think you would reprint the checks,
remove them from the account,maybe even set up new accounts,
but change the password.
You don't want to be remindedevery time you write a check
that this person existedpreviously, and that's true for
both death and divorce.
So you know, these are littlethings, but they're things that
you can do along the way.
I find them therapeutic, andwhen you see somebody go through
this, I mean it takes months,it can take years, but it gives
you something to focus on onthat day and that is part of
(09:08):
your recovery.
And divorce and death Sorry,got my tang all tangled.
Divorce and death are aboutentering this period that we
call recovery.
I want to tell you there islife on the other side.
Yeah, it does get better andyou keep moving on and that's
what you want to do.
Sometimes it's tough when youjust want to crawl up in the
(09:29):
fetal position.
One of the other things let mejust move on here is you want to
check all of your automatedbank drafts I call them ACH
automated clearinghouse thatcomes out and find what you're
paying for Is this benefit me orthem?
And if it's not for yourbenefit, go to the bank, cut it
off and you know you'll probablyfind a gym membership or two
(09:50):
that's never been used.
There's a lot of financialforensics on your bank statement
so just taking a look, I liketo look at the last six months
of bank statements.
Kenneth Baucum (10:01):
Right.
Cash Matthews (10:02):
That's where you can find also life insurance
policies and benefit plans andhealth insurance plans, and just
because they're usually beingdrafted once a year.
Sometimes, in fact, if you havetime, go look at 13 months
worth of bank statements and seewhat is going on inside your
bank account.
Kenneth Baucum (10:18):
That makes sense , yeah, yeah, that makes sense,
and I, yeah, and I can eventhink of stuff for myself, right
Drafted annually instead ofjust monthly.
So it definitely makes sensegoing back 13 months.
Cash Matthews (10:27):
Yeah, yeah, that's exactly right.
I've got some stuff onquarterly billing, yeah, and so
you know you would find thatover 13 months, but 13 months is
a good idea.
A lot of people have a cellphone plan with both people on
one plan and you need to askyour cell phone carrier how do I
divide this?
Or, if your spouse has passedaway, how do I take this person
(10:48):
off of the cell phone plan?
If that's what you want to doand that's a good time to change
your number if you need it, youdon't have to do that, but for
some people that makes sense.
There are a lot of ways to dothese things as well, and you
want to take your name off ofloans and debts and accounts
that no longer factor in.
You know that could be the bankor the credit card company.
(11:12):
Usually, if it's a divorce, thejudge will issue some type of
called a qualified divorce order, also called a quadro, one of
the things I've seen people doon their banking accounts, and I
don't know if every bank doesthis, but it's called transfer
on death.
So this is an opportunity foryou to check with your bank and
(11:32):
see if you can do that to whowould be your beneficiaries
later in life.
See, you want to remove yourformer spouse as your
beneficiary as well.
Kenneth Baucum (11:40):
Yeah.
Cash Matthews (11:41):
And if you don't trust them, really get up,
really get on with that.
Kenneth Baucum (11:45):
Oh, yeah, well, and those beneficiaries are so
important anyway to keep up todate all the time, you know,
whether it's on a 401k oraccounts or whatever.
Cash Matthews (11:53):
Yeah, the number of people that have been through
a divorce that left theirspouse on there and and, like
you know, I saw one the otherday ex spouse had been on there
eight years and I'm like why isthat person your beneficiary?
And uh, so we need to take careof those things.
Kenneth Baucum (12:10):
Yeah, I remember being in a previous job and
finding out just how many people, how many employees didn't even
have beneficiaries.
Well, I can't say it's a hardword uh, tongue all tangled
right, um, but didn't have thoseon those accounts.
So you know, first of all havethem and second of all check
them out.
Cash Matthews (12:25):
Yeah, kenneth, that makes that's the exact
right thing to do.
You know you maintain them,just like you maintain anything
else in life, like your car.
So this, this next part's alittle tougher.
But you're going to need toredo your will and when there's
a death it's yucky and you needto get with your attorney or
advisor or CPA or whoever anduse a professional and have them
(12:48):
redo your will.
You know, this stuff is notlike the at-home appendectomy
kit.
That's simple, right, but thisis something you need a
professional.
Ask them to update your willand an update is not the same as
rewriting an entirely new andit shouldn't be that expensive.
But make sure you take care ofthat and it's.
It ain't easy and if you'regoing through it, especially if
(13:10):
there's a death man, I'm sorryyou know, but this is another
one of those things you canfocus on and it'll get you
through another day or week andyou know that's part of the
recovery.
Yeah, no-transcript, and you'regoing to ask questions how am I
doing?
Where am I Cash?
(13:31):
I just had one lady.
She goes, man, I just feel likea bucket of hair and I've used
that.
But you know, you just got toget up and put one foot in front
of the other and you need tocount the money.
At some point you need to findout where your money is, where
all the debts are.
You need to look at yourretirement plan, social security
.
If you've done what's called aquadro, a qualified divorce
(13:54):
order, you need to take a lookat that.
You need to do an update, writeit down, put it in a notebook.
I'm a big notebook guy.
If you have debts, write downthose debts.
I like to write them indescending order.
So if you have a $200 debt andan $800 debt and a $10,000 debt,
I like to put the smaller onefirst, because I like to pay off
(14:15):
the easy ones first.
Kenneth Baucum (14:17):
And.
Cash Matthews (14:17):
I don't know if it, let me know.
If any of you are like me, likeI need a win.
You know, I heard somebody saypay off the highest interest one
first, and that's probablymathematically right, but it's
not emotionally right Sometimes.
Just paying off that $200account just where you have one
less bill, man, that's just awin and I don't know, we all
kind of need a win sometimes.
Kenneth Baucum (14:39):
Right.
Cash Matthews (14:39):
You're going to need to redo your health
insurance a lot of times andmaybe you need to find a
qualified health insuranceprofessional to help you through
that, because there are timedeadlines for that.
If you're on COBRA continuationinsurance and if you want to
talk to a health professionalimmediately, you need to make
that happen.
So your insurance, yourbeneficiaries, your will all of
(15:03):
that needs to be maintained andchanged.
So I mentioned a minute agofinancial forensics and that can
be done in a lot of ways.
If you've stored documents andhave old policies and you may
think they're canceled they maynot be Just make sure to make
the call, have your advisor withyou, your CPA, your accountant,
to make those calls, to knowwhat to say and ask these
(15:26):
questions Is this old lifepolicy active?
Does it have any cash value?
Like we said, go through allthose statements for 13 months.
A lot of people have these oldchild policies that were written
on them, that were paid up andaren't collecting premiums
anymore, but still they stillshow up or you can find out
(15:48):
about them.
So if you've gone through death, you want to make sure to check
if your spouse was a veteranand uh, man, there's different
benefits there.
Kenneth Baucum (15:59):
Right.
Cash Matthews (15:59):
So first go see what benefits are available, you
know, uh, for like being thespouse of a veteran, and I think
all of that stuff is valuable.
But here's a tough one, andthis is one of the tough ones
Give everything away thatbelonged to your spouse the
clothing, that type of stuff.
That was tough man.
When my mom died, one of mychores was to get rid of her
(16:21):
stuff and on one hand I didn'twant to do it, but on the other
hand it wasn't going to bringher back.
Kenneth Baucum (16:30):
Right.
Cash Matthews (16:30):
But on both hands .
I hated it.
I really hated it.
There's sentimental value.
But then somebody, somebody isgoing to find a woman's dress in
your closet one day.
Um, you just have to buck upand do it.
And if you've gone through adivorce, same thing.
I don't think you want thosereminders there.
You know the daily reminder.
So I think it's important togive everything away, you know.
(16:51):
So let it be a blessing tosomebody else.
You know, maybe this is a timewhere you start to connect with
a charitable organization andyou feel good about giving those
things away, those things thatwere high value to them and low
value to me.
You know, give those thingsaway.
I collect books and coins andbicycles and if they're no
(17:13):
longer important to you, sellthem off.
Seek out a professional.
I have bikes.
My wife doesn't care aboutbikes.
You put them in a garage sale.
But you know, sell off thosethings if you don't need them
and if you don't value themRight.
Does that make sense?
Kenneth Baucum (17:27):
Yeah, yeah, I think so.
Cash Matthews (17:28):
Okay, so clear the space.
I think that's important.
And you know, when there's adeath, there's another thing
going on, but prepaid funerals,because they don't send you a
reminder every six months.
Just in case your spouse boughtone 27 years ago, you need to
check and see if there's aprepaid funeral.
Yeah, you know, I don't knowhow to find those things, but
(17:52):
dig around.
Kenneth Baucum (17:53):
Yeah.
Cash Matthews (17:54):
And if you can see death coming, you need to
ask these questions.
And that's yucky and this isthe worst podcast ever.
It's hard to talk about, but myfriend in Dallas who died.
He was sick for three monthsand they never talked about the
will.
Kenneth Baucum (18:06):
Oh, wow.
Cash Matthews (18:07):
And it turned out they didn't have one and it was
a disaster.
But in times like these you gotto, you got to just take action
.
So, as I mentioned, there's alot of prepaid funerals people
don't know about and when you'rein that moment of death it's
confusing.
There's a lot of pressure.
You know there's funeralpressure, like we need to do
(18:28):
this by Thursday and, man, we'lllook for the first source of
comfort, and that's how oftenpeople pay too much for funerals
.
But um, as far as the product,I don't know that much about
prepaid funerals.
I know you pay for it, but Ilike I do like the idea of
knowing where you're going to beburied.
My mother and my stepdadeventually had a prepaid thing
(18:50):
and he bought a place to beburied right next to her, but
then he got married again and sothere was a big like oh, where
are we going to put him?
And so you know if those planscan change.
If you need one, I know wherethere's an empty one.
I just tried to make a funeraljoke.
I'm sorry about that.
Kenneth Baucum (19:07):
Well, you know you did, but you know you also
mentioned the veterans benefitsearlier too, and I feel like
that's another spot that youknow can come into play Right.
So maybe the husband fought ina particular war or served in
the services, so maybe thatmakes the spouse you know
eligible when it comes to youknow where they're being buried.
Maybe they then have someoptions.
Cash Matthews (19:26):
Yeah, and if you're depending on the level
your spouse was, absolutely,maybe they have a spot in a
national cemetery or something,and there are other VA benefits
that you can call the VA andfind out about or your advisor
can help you understand those alittle bit better.
So if you're a militarybereaved, you may have the right
to be buried in a particularplace, but I would learn those
(19:48):
details right away as we beginrecovery.
On the financial side, you'regoing to make a list of every
debt.
You have all the money, whereit all is, and time to write it
all down In this moment.
Revisit your own financial plan.
Find out how much cash you havein the bank.
Where the investments are, makea decent list of them, and
(20:10):
that's not that easy.
Where the investments are, makea decent list of them, and
that's not that easy.
But you want to find out ifyour former spouse is the
beneficiary on some otheraccount from someone else.
A brother, sister, aunt, unclehave left them in the way of
money.
That makes sense, right, rightright.
Okay, well, that's an attorneyquestion.
And here's one that I seehappen very frequently, and this
is not an easy one.
But if you decide you need tosell your house, you need to
(20:34):
know something your house won'tmiss you.
It's not emotional, it's just abunch of sticks and if you
leave, it won't miss you.
You'll miss it.
I totally get that.
But you need to have thatconversation as quickly as
possible.
Do I need to keep afive-bedroom bath house when
it's just me, Right?
Yeah, so you need to have thattalk.
And that's a real estatequestion.
(20:54):
So your favorite qualifiedrealtor or CPA can help you with
that.
But you got to ask thosequestions, right?
So here's another tough onewho's paying the bills?
This is my final one who'spaying the bills?
Because if your spouse is theone that always paid the bills
property tax, automobile tax,license plates, auto insurance
(21:15):
make sure when this happens, youtake your former spouse off the
insurance, because that'llreduce your premium and you're
no longer liable, and I thinkthat's important.
But in this rush to wheneverything happens, when a death
or divorce happens, we aren'tthinking clearly.
There's so much pressure, we'reso lost.
Some of this stuff you candelegate but, like things for
(21:38):
insurance require authorizationand you know for your kids to
call one of the companies arethe bills paid.
You'll need a power of attorneyfor things like that.
Kenneth Baucum (21:49):
Yeah.
Cash Matthews (21:50):
So your attorney can hook you up with that.
And, man, I hate this topic,but once we address it we've
taken the first step.
Kenneth Baucum (21:58):
Yeah.
Cash Matthews (21:58):
To fix it.
Kenneth Baucum (21:59):
Yeah Well, and of course nobody likes to be
suddenly single, right.
No one likes it.
They don't want to be in thatplace and be in that spot, right
.
Cash Matthews (22:08):
Well, having been through a bunch of deaths,
kenneth, I can tell you it doesget better.
I mean, in those first fewweeks, or that first year, man,
it's terrible, but the peoplethat have fared the best are the
most prepared.
There aren't as many thingsabout to hit them in the face.
Sure, sure you know we, we havea program called my financial
(22:32):
plan where you can storeeverything.
Kenneth Baucum (22:35):
Right.
Cash Matthews (22:35):
And everything is in one spot and we tell people,
hey, don't leave a mess, leavea password, and uh, but life
after divorce or death?
You know your birth certificatedoesn't have an expiration date
, but there's one coming and youneed to plan for it.
Um, yeah, and you, you need toplan for it, yeah, and you need
to execute that plan.
So we like talking about thehard topics here.
(22:56):
On Cash Flows, and if you wantto get a copy of the book
Suddenly Single, please email usat cashflowsattulsabongcom.
Bong is spelled B-O-N-G.
It's the Business OwnersNetworking Group and I was on
the debate team and didn't knowwhat a bong was.
Email us cashflows attulssabongcom.
(23:17):
We'd love to put a book in yourhand over a cup of coffee.
Look at you know, hug your neck, get face to face, and we don't
charge for that and we'd loveto make sure you have access to
that information.
So, Kenneth, I think we didgood work here.
Kenneth Baucum (23:35):
Yeah, I think so .
It's a difficult topic anddifficult conversation, but I
think it's really really helpfulinfo for people in those
situations.
Cash Matthews (23:43):
Yeah, I mean, it just guts me to talk about these
things, especially with myfriends.
I don't like talking about it,but when we do talk about it,
you know, we just create abetter plan.
And so with that, I want towrap this one up.
Man, if you are hurting rightnow, let's at least go grab
(24:03):
coffee and we'll get an extrashot in your espresso, and for
at least for a little while.
So we're going to wrap this uptoday.
My name's Cash Matthews.
This show is Cash Flows heretoday with our executive
producer, Kenneth Baucum.
Today we're talking aboutsuddenly single.
It's a tough one, it'snecessary and it's relevant, and
we're glad you're here todayand we appreciate you being part
(24:25):
of the Cash Flows podcast.
Thank you for stopping by.
Kenneth Baucum (24:32):
That's our show for today.
Stay tuned for another rivetingedition of Cash Flows.
Hello, entrepreneurs, dreamers,
business owners and happy peoplewith high hopes.
Welcome to Cash Flows with yourhost, cash Matthews.
Cash Matthews (00:14):
All right, welcome to Cash Flows, Glad
you're here today.
My name is Cash Matthews andwe're here today with Kenneth
Baucum, the executive producerof our show, and another
riveting edition of the CashFlows podcast.
Kenneth Baucum (00:26):
Yeah, yeah, ready to get it going here.
And, of course, today, though,we're going to talk about some
difficult topics.
Cash Matthews (00:34):
Yeah, I don't like this topic.
It is not one of my favorites.
Kenneth Baucum (00:38):
Yeah, but it is helpful for those that it
affects, right?
Cash Matthews (00:42):
Yeah, you know my mom and dad were divorced and
my dad left our family when Iwas young and it was tough for
my mother and there was nointernet and she didn't have
many friends and she didn't havea support group.
She just had to grind it outand that's what she did.
You know she had to dopart-time jobs and you know I
(01:02):
say in the book we call suddenlysingle what to do when it's
just you and I have beenunfortunate and fortunate to do.
My life revolved around thisand in my career I've been
through maybe 200 divorces andabout a hundred deaths and I
know that sounds like a lot, butI've been doing this a long
time.
And, um, you know we have a biggroup of people here 86, uh,
(01:29):
about actually about 9,000people in Tulsa and our
networking group that we createdand about 6,000, uh in Austin,
and so I've just been a guythat's seen a bunch of it a
couple hundred divorces, about ahundred deaths in my client and
friend group and I'll just it'sugly every single time.
There's not a lot of people saystuff like that.
(01:51):
It's usually the person goingoh, it's going to be a great
divorce.
You know there's always sometearing and it's man, it's tough
and it's tough on the kids andit's tough on the friends and
you know watching my parents gothrough it and then the
aftermath can last a lifetimeand there's not a whole lot of
choices there.
Once it happens to you, rightyeah.
Kenneth Baucum (02:11):
Yeah, and you, you had mentioned this before.
You know, half the time, youknow, marriage ends in divorce
and the other half in death,Like that's.
That's the two ways.
Cash Matthews (02:19):
That's not a very good sales pitch, just so you
know, not really, but but that'syour way out.
I mean, that's sort of it, andwe like to talk about it because
it's tough, so you can preparefor it.
And if you're watching this orlistening, we're sorry if you're
in a spot where this hashappened, if you're going
through death or divorce, you'reabout to.
You know there's a lot ofpeople that will talk to you.
(02:42):
Um, I had a friend that died upin Dallas five years ago and
everybody swore an allegiance tohis spouse.
And what I found?
Those allegiances last no morethan six weeks.
You're really special.
Friends will stick around fourto six weeks and people are back
to their normal life and that'swhat they're supposed to do.
So we're supposed to move on,we're supposed to rise up and
(03:03):
we're supposed to go to the nextpositive thing.
And what I found?
That those people who promisedthey'll be there, they're not
bad people.
It's just hard to pick upsomebody else's burden for a
long, long time and it can takeyears to be resolved.
They'll be rooting for you andthey'll like your posts.
But man, to be, to be rightthere with you, that's a
different deal.
Kenneth Baucum (03:23):
Right, and that's difficult, right.
It's a difficult thing forpeople to go through and there's
a lot of stuff that has to bedone really for either of those
two situations, you know.
So, when you become suddenlysingle, there's a lot of things
that need to happen, and I knowyou've written a book on this.
Do you have like a checklist ora set of things that people can
go through, something you'dlike to share, so that we have
(03:44):
an idea of how to move forward?
Cash Matthews (03:46):
Yeah, kenneth, that's actually here.
We're going to talk about thattoday.
First, if you'd like to get afree copy of the Suddenly Single
book, just email us atcashflowsattulsabongcom.
Tulsa Bong is our networkinggroup that's very prolific here
in Tulsa and Austin.
We would love to give you oneof these books in person or over
(04:06):
coffee, whatever's best for you.
The condition is, we'd love tomeet you, but if we could only
meet you through a Zoom call orsending a book, we'll do that
too.
We'd love to give you one ofthese books for no charge and
(04:31):
we'll even pay for the coffeejust to help you get started.
If you've got a few questions,there's nothing you can buy when
we meet.
Uh, you just might needsomebody to talk to.
So it's scary going throughthis stuff, um, and it doesn't
sound very good in public to saythat I've been through a couple
hundred divorces, um, but I'vebeen side by side with my
friends and family and customersand my networking friends and
so, man, it ain't easy.
If you're going through it andmy heart aches for you and I
pray you'll be able to get backup and go do the next good thing
(04:53):
and you're going to want to dothat for yourself, for your kids
, for your family.
You do it because the onlyoption is through.
You know you can't roll aroundin it.
It's kind of like peeing in thebed.
It's sort of warm for a minute,but you know you gotta move
through it.
I don't even know if that was agood example, but maybe it's, I
(05:13):
don't know We'll, we'll, we'll.
This is not the best show in theworld, you know we're.
We're in the top 45 millionthough so I'm good with that.
Anyway, there's a lot of stuffyou'll want to do when you're
going through.
I just had a friend of minethat's in one of our networking
groups and had read the book andwas married and curiosity to me
why she read the book and Iknew she and her husband things
(05:36):
could be going weird.
And but when people split up,and in the book we talk about
the number one thing to do,whether it's death or divorce.
But if there's a divorcepending or you can see it on the
horizon or you're talking aboutit number one go change all
your passwords immediately.
And she had said to me oh, Idon't want to do that, he'll get
mad at me.
They're already mad, they'releaving and they're making a
(06:00):
different plan without you in it.
And that sounds harsh.
But that's what's happened.
And and if you don't changeyour passwords, they can see
your checkbook, your telephonelog.
I got a call from a dude one dayand he goes who are you?
And I said cash.
And uh, he's like why did youcall my wife 11 times last month
.
Like, why did you call my wife11 times last month?
(06:23):
And I was like, oh, okay, hangon a second.
Turns out it was the ex-husbandwho had been spying on her from
her phone records.
I'd been acting in the role ofher financial advisor and we
were just talking about sortingeverything out.
Oh, and she was 84 years oldand uh, so you know, not in my
age bracket.
I'm super happy with my wife andI tried to explain that to him
(06:44):
and I'm like, hey, I'm justtrying to help her out.
Man, you're the one that leftand I made sure she changed her
passwords right after.
But he'd kind of been stalkingher and he's the one that asked.
Now he's following her aroundquestioning what she's doing and
I'm like, dude, I think youlost your right to do that Right
.
So, hey, if you're out there,don't put up with this kind of
(07:10):
crap.
My friend, who locally readthis and said, hey, if that ever
happens, I told her, change thepasswords.
Well, she didn't change thepasswords, ended up getting
divorced and he ran off with allthe money and it happens.
And, uh, you know, if that's allwe talked about today, just
this one thing do the pastor.
It'd be a great four minutepodcast.
That'd be great.
But I'm going to give you acouple of other things here and
(07:31):
I'm not going to read all ofthem.
But when you go through abreakup or death, you want to
get your social securityevaluated.
Uh, when you're checking outspousal benefits, you need to
usually go to the office and Ithink you should do that and
just say what are my options?
Tell me my options.
You can find your own stuffpersonally at socialsecuritygov
and I've actually found them tobe pretty helpful to work with.
(07:54):
That should be encouraging toyou, right?
Yeah, people talk about thegovernment, kenneth, like you
know bad or whatever.
But you know I'm not saying goto the DMV where we make those
jokes all day long, right, but Ithink you just go in, do a
local interview, determinespousal benefits, spousal
continuation benefits, and oneof the things you want to do is
make sure they are not on yourchecking account or cell phone
(08:18):
or that they can't turn off yourcable or electric.
If they've had access orauthority, that needs to be
removed right away.
There's no easy way to say that.
Kenneth Baucum (08:26):
Right, right, makes sense, right, yeah, yeah,
well, and so I'm kind of curious.
When it comes to the bank,though is it enough to just do
that at the bank, or we need to,like, get checks reprinted and
everything right, because theirnames are at the top of the
checks too?
Cash Matthews (08:46):
Yeah, I think you would reprint the checks,
remove them from the account,maybe even set up new accounts,
but change the password.
You don't want to be remindedevery time you write a check
that this person existedpreviously, and that's true for
both death and divorce.
So you know, these are littlethings, but they're things that
you can do along the way.
I find them therapeutic, andwhen you see somebody go through
this, I mean it takes months,it can take years, but it gives
you something to focus on onthat day and that is part of
(09:08):
your recovery.
And divorce and death Sorry,got my tang all tangled.
Divorce and death are aboutentering this period that we
call recovery.
I want to tell you there islife on the other side.
Yeah, it does get better andyou keep moving on and that's
what you want to do.
Sometimes it's tough when youjust want to crawl up in the
(09:29):
fetal position.
One of the other things let mejust move on here is you want to
check all of your automatedbank drafts I call them ACH
automated clearinghouse thatcomes out and find what you're
paying for Is this benefit me orthem?
And if it's not for yourbenefit, go to the bank, cut it
off and you know you'll probablyfind a gym membership or two
(09:50):
that's never been used.
There's a lot of financialforensics on your bank statement
so just taking a look, I liketo look at the last six months
of bank statements.
Kenneth Baucum (10:01):
Right.
Cash Matthews (10:02):
That's where you can find also life insurance
policies and benefit plans andhealth insurance plans, and just
because they're usually beingdrafted once a year.
Sometimes, in fact, if you havetime, go look at 13 months
worth of bank statements and seewhat is going on inside your
bank account.
Kenneth Baucum (10:18):
That makes sense , yeah, yeah, that makes sense,
and I, yeah, and I can eventhink of stuff for myself, right
Drafted annually instead ofjust monthly.
So it definitely makes sensegoing back 13 months.
Cash Matthews (10:27):
Yeah, yeah, that's exactly right.
I've got some stuff onquarterly billing, yeah, and so
you know you would find thatover 13 months, but 13 months is
a good idea.
A lot of people have a cellphone plan with both people on
one plan and you need to askyour cell phone carrier how do I
divide this?
Or, if your spouse has passedaway, how do I take this person
(10:48):
off of the cell phone plan?
If that's what you want to doand that's a good time to change
your number if you need it, youdon't have to do that, but for
some people that makes sense.
There are a lot of ways to dothese things as well, and you
want to take your name off ofloans and debts and accounts
that no longer factor in.
You know that could be the bankor the credit card company.
(11:12):
Usually, if it's a divorce, thejudge will issue some type of
called a qualified divorce order, also called a quadro, one of
the things I've seen people doon their banking accounts, and I
don't know if every bank doesthis, but it's called transfer
on death.
So this is an opportunity foryou to check with your bank and
(11:32):
see if you can do that to whowould be your beneficiaries
later in life.
See, you want to remove yourformer spouse as your
beneficiary as well.
Kenneth Baucum (11:40):
Yeah.
Cash Matthews (11:41):
And if you don't trust them, really get up,
really get on with that.
Kenneth Baucum (11:45):
Oh, yeah, well, and those beneficiaries are so
important anyway to keep up todate all the time, you know,
whether it's on a 401k oraccounts or whatever.
Cash Matthews (11:53):
Yeah, the number of people that have been through
a divorce that left theirspouse on there and and, like
you know, I saw one the otherday ex spouse had been on there
eight years and I'm like why isthat person your beneficiary?
And uh, so we need to take careof those things.
Kenneth Baucum (12:10):
Yeah, I remember being in a previous job and
finding out just how many people, how many employees didn't even
have beneficiaries.
Well, I can't say it's a hardword uh, tongue all tangled
right, um, but didn't have thoseon those accounts.
So you know, first of all havethem and second of all check
them out.
Cash Matthews (12:25):
Yeah, kenneth, that makes that's the exact
right thing to do.
You know you maintain them,just like you maintain anything
else in life, like your car.
So this, this next part's alittle tougher.
But you're going to need toredo your will and when there's
a death it's yucky and you needto get with your attorney or
advisor or CPA or whoever anduse a professional and have them
(12:48):
redo your will.
You know, this stuff is notlike the at-home appendectomy
kit.
That's simple, right, but thisis something you need a
professional.
Ask them to update your willand an update is not the same as
rewriting an entirely new andit shouldn't be that expensive.
But make sure you take care ofthat and it's.
It ain't easy and if you'regoing through it, especially if
(13:10):
there's a death man, I'm sorryyou know, but this is another
one of those things you canfocus on and it'll get you
through another day or week andyou know that's part of the
recovery.
Yeah, no-transcript, and you'regoing to ask questions how am I
doing?
Where am I Cash?
(13:31):
I just had one lady.
She goes, man, I just feel likea bucket of hair and I've used
that.
But you know, you just got toget up and put one foot in front
of the other and you need tocount the money.
At some point you need to findout where your money is, where
all the debts are.
You need to look at yourretirement plan, social security
.
If you've done what's called aquadro, a qualified divorce
(13:54):
order, you need to take a lookat that.
You need to do an update, writeit down, put it in a notebook.
I'm a big notebook guy.
If you have debts, write downthose debts.
I like to write them indescending order.
So if you have a $200 debt andan $800 debt and a $10,000 debt,
I like to put the smaller onefirst, because I like to pay off
(14:15):
the easy ones first.
Kenneth Baucum (14:17):
And.
Cash Matthews (14:17):
I don't know if it, let me know.
If any of you are like me, likeI need a win.
You know, I heard somebody saypay off the highest interest one
first, and that's probablymathematically right, but it's
not emotionally right Sometimes.
Just paying off that $200account just where you have one
less bill, man, that's just awin and I don't know, we all
kind of need a win sometimes.
Kenneth Baucum (14:39):
Right.
Cash Matthews (14:39):
You're going to need to redo your health
insurance a lot of times andmaybe you need to find a
qualified health insuranceprofessional to help you through
that, because there are timedeadlines for that.
If you're on COBRA continuationinsurance and if you want to
talk to a health professionalimmediately, you need to make
that happen.
So your insurance, yourbeneficiaries, your will all of
(15:03):
that needs to be maintained andchanged.
So I mentioned a minute agofinancial forensics and that can
be done in a lot of ways.
If you've stored documents andhave old policies and you may
think they're canceled they maynot be Just make sure to make
the call, have your advisor withyou, your CPA, your accountant,
to make those calls, to knowwhat to say and ask these
(15:26):
questions Is this old lifepolicy active?
Does it have any cash value?
Like we said, go through allthose statements for 13 months.
A lot of people have these oldchild policies that were written
on them, that were paid up andaren't collecting premiums
anymore, but still they stillshow up or you can find out
(15:48):
about them.
So if you've gone through death, you want to make sure to check
if your spouse was a veteranand uh, man, there's different
benefits there.
Kenneth Baucum (15:59):
Right.
Cash Matthews (15:59):
So first go see what benefits are available, you
know, uh, for like being thespouse of a veteran, and I think
all of that stuff is valuable.
But here's a tough one, andthis is one of the tough ones
Give everything away thatbelonged to your spouse the
clothing, that type of stuff.
That was tough man.
When my mom died, one of mychores was to get rid of her
(16:21):
stuff and on one hand I didn'twant to do it, but on the other
hand it wasn't going to bringher back.
Kenneth Baucum (16:30):
Right.
Cash Matthews (16:30):
But on both hands .
I hated it.
I really hated it.
There's sentimental value.
But then somebody, somebody isgoing to find a woman's dress in
your closet one day.
Um, you just have to buck upand do it.
And if you've gone through adivorce, same thing.
I don't think you want thosereminders there.
You know the daily reminder.
So I think it's important togive everything away, you know.
(16:51):
So let it be a blessing tosomebody else.
You know, maybe this is a timewhere you start to connect with
a charitable organization andyou feel good about giving those
things away, those things thatwere high value to them and low
value to me.
You know, give those thingsaway.
I collect books and coins andbicycles and if they're no
(17:13):
longer important to you, sellthem off.
Seek out a professional.
I have bikes.
My wife doesn't care aboutbikes.
You put them in a garage sale.
But you know, sell off thosethings if you don't need them
and if you don't value themRight.
Does that make sense?
Kenneth Baucum (17:27):
Yeah, yeah, I think so.
Cash Matthews (17:28):
Okay, so clear the space.
I think that's important.
And you know, when there's adeath, there's another thing
going on, but prepaid funerals,because they don't send you a
reminder every six months.
Just in case your spouse boughtone 27 years ago, you need to
check and see if there's aprepaid funeral.
Yeah, you know, I don't knowhow to find those things, but
(17:52):
dig around.
Kenneth Baucum (17:53):
Yeah.
Cash Matthews (17:54):
And if you can see death coming, you need to
ask these questions.
And that's yucky and this isthe worst podcast ever.
It's hard to talk about, but myfriend in Dallas who died.
He was sick for three monthsand they never talked about the
will.
Kenneth Baucum (18:06):
Oh, wow.
Cash Matthews (18:07):
And it turned out they didn't have one and it was
a disaster.
But in times like these you gotto, you got to just take action
.
So, as I mentioned, there's alot of prepaid funerals people
don't know about and when you'rein that moment of death it's
confusing.
There's a lot of pressure.
You know there's funeralpressure, like we need to do
(18:28):
this by Thursday and, man, we'lllook for the first source of
comfort, and that's how oftenpeople pay too much for funerals
.
But um, as far as the product,I don't know that much about
prepaid funerals.
I know you pay for it, but Ilike I do like the idea of
knowing where you're going to beburied.
My mother and my stepdadeventually had a prepaid thing
(18:50):
and he bought a place to beburied right next to her, but
then he got married again and sothere was a big like oh, where
are we going to put him?
And so you know if those planscan change.
If you need one, I know wherethere's an empty one.
I just tried to make a funeraljoke.
I'm sorry about that.
Kenneth Baucum (19:07):
Well, you know you did, but you know you also
mentioned the veterans benefitsearlier too, and I feel like
that's another spot that youknow can come into play Right.
So maybe the husband fought ina particular war or served in
the services, so maybe thatmakes the spouse you know
eligible when it comes to youknow where they're being buried.
Maybe they then have someoptions.
Cash Matthews (19:26):
Yeah, and if you're depending on the level
your spouse was, absolutely,maybe they have a spot in a
national cemetery or something,and there are other VA benefits
that you can call the VA andfind out about or your advisor
can help you understand those alittle bit better.
So if you're a militarybereaved, you may have the right
to be buried in a particularplace, but I would learn those
(19:48):
details right away as we beginrecovery.
On the financial side, you'regoing to make a list of every
debt.
You have all the money, whereit all is, and time to write it
all down In this moment.
Revisit your own financial plan.
Find out how much cash you havein the bank.
Where the investments are, makea decent list of them, and
(20:10):
that's not that easy.
Where the investments are, makea decent list of them, and
that's not that easy.
But you want to find out ifyour former spouse is the
beneficiary on some otheraccount from someone else.
A brother, sister, aunt, unclehave left them in the way of
money.
That makes sense, right, rightright.
Okay, well, that's an attorneyquestion.
And here's one that I seehappen very frequently, and this
is not an easy one.
But if you decide you need tosell your house, you need to
(20:34):
know something your house won'tmiss you.
It's not emotional, it's just abunch of sticks and if you
leave, it won't miss you.
You'll miss it.
I totally get that.
But you need to have thatconversation as quickly as
possible.
Do I need to keep afive-bedroom bath house when
it's just me, Right?
Yeah, so you need to have thattalk.
And that's a real estatequestion.
(20:54):
So your favorite qualifiedrealtor or CPA can help you with
that.
But you got to ask thosequestions, right?
So here's another tough onewho's paying the bills?
This is my final one who'spaying the bills?
Because if your spouse is theone that always paid the bills
property tax, automobile tax,license plates, auto insurance
(21:15):
make sure when this happens, youtake your former spouse off the
insurance, because that'llreduce your premium and you're
no longer liable, and I thinkthat's important.
But in this rush to wheneverything happens, when a death
or divorce happens, we aren'tthinking clearly.
There's so much pressure, we'reso lost.
Some of this stuff you candelegate but, like things for
(21:38):
insurance require authorizationand you know for your kids to
call one of the companies arethe bills paid.
You'll need a power of attorneyfor things like that.
Kenneth Baucum (21:49):
Yeah.
Cash Matthews (21:50):
So your attorney can hook you up with that.
And, man, I hate this topic,but once we address it we've
taken the first step.
Kenneth Baucum (21:58):
Yeah.
Cash Matthews (21:58):
To fix it.
Kenneth Baucum (21:59):
Yeah Well, and of course nobody likes to be
suddenly single, right.
No one likes it.
They don't want to be in thatplace and be in that spot, right
.
Cash Matthews (22:08):
Well, having been through a bunch of deaths,
kenneth, I can tell you it doesget better.
I mean, in those first fewweeks, or that first year, man,
it's terrible, but the peoplethat have fared the best are the
most prepared.
There aren't as many thingsabout to hit them in the face.
Sure, sure you know we, we havea program called my financial
(22:32):
plan where you can storeeverything.
Kenneth Baucum (22:35):
Right.
Cash Matthews (22:35):
And everything is in one spot and we tell people,
hey, don't leave a mess, leavea password, and uh, but life
after divorce or death?
You know your birth certificatedoesn't have an expiration date
, but there's one coming and youneed to plan for it.
Um, yeah, and you, you need toplan for it, yeah, and you need
to execute that plan.
So we like talking about thehard topics here.
(22:56):
On Cash Flows, and if you wantto get a copy of the book
Suddenly Single, please email usat cashflowsattulsabongcom.
Bong is spelled B-O-N-G.
It's the Business OwnersNetworking Group and I was on
the debate team and didn't knowwhat a bong was.
Email us cashflows attulssabongcom.
(23:17):
We'd love to put a book in yourhand over a cup of coffee.
Look at you know, hug your neck, get face to face, and we don't
charge for that and we'd loveto make sure you have access to
that information.
So, Kenneth, I think we didgood work here.
Kenneth Baucum (23:35):
Yeah, I think so .
It's a difficult topic anddifficult conversation, but I
think it's really really helpfulinfo for people in those
situations.
Cash Matthews (23:43):
Yeah, I mean, it just guts me to talk about these
things, especially with myfriends.
I don't like talking about it,but when we do talk about it,
you know, we just create abetter plan.
And so with that, I want towrap this one up.
Man, if you are hurting rightnow, let's at least go grab
(24:03):
coffee and we'll get an extrashot in your espresso, and for
at least for a little while.
So we're going to wrap this uptoday.
My name's Cash Matthews.
This show is Cash Flows heretoday with our executive
producer, Kenneth Baucum.
Today we're talking aboutsuddenly single.
It's a tough one, it'snecessary and it's relevant, and
we're glad you're here todayand we appreciate you being part
(24:25):
of the Cash Flows podcast.
Thank you for stopping by.
Kenneth Baucum (24:32):
That's our show for today.
Stay tuned for another rivetingedition of Cash Flows.
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