#101 - You Mad Bro? (Part 1) {Reflections}

Ever wonder why you sometimes act completely out of character? Those moments when you snap at a coworker or make an impulsive decision that leaves you thinking, "That wasn't like me at all"? This episode dives deep into the hidden emotional forces that drive our behaviors without our awareness.

Starting with the famous Richard Sherman "You mad, bro?" meme, I share my personal journey of emotional awareness that began in childhood therapy following my parents' divorce. Armed with nothing but a simplistic understanding that I was either "angry" or "fine," a therapist's deck of emotion cards opened my eyes to the vast spectrum of human feelings—embarrassment, loneliness, joy, disappointment—that I had been unable to identify in myself. This breakthrough not only transformed my self-understanding but later became crucial in navigating my marriage with Katie.

Drawing on Carl Jung's powerful concept of the shadow self—the unconscious part of our psyche that's like the massive portion of an iceberg hidden beneath the water—we explore how our unacknowledged emotions drive behaviors we don't understand. I share a recent experience with my 19-year-old son making a potentially life-altering decision while emotionally vulnerable, introducing the practical HALT method (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) for recognizing when emotions might be compromising our judgment. Through personal stories and psychological insights, this episode offers a roadmap for developing greater self-awareness by asking not just "Am I mad?" but "What am I really feeling beneath the surface?"

Ready to develop a deeper understanding of your emotional landscape and make better decisions even when feelings run high? Listen now, and be sure to subscribe for our follow-up episode on maintaining balance despite emotional turbulence.

Join us! Facebook | Instagram | www.clcelkriver.org

Episode Transcript

Speaker 0 (00:00):
What is up everybody?
Hey, Ryan here and welcome toour Reflections podcast.
Hey, one of my favorite memesthat I've ever seen was it's
probably old and outdated now,but it was Richard Sherman who
was a defensive back for theSeattle Seahawks back in the day
and they were playing Tom Brady.
I think Richard Sherman waseither a rookie or a young
defensive back and Tom Brady wasthis brash, you know he was a

(00:22):
winner, he won all the time, hada bunch of Super Bowls and Tom
Brady was this brash, you knowhe's a winner, he won all the
time, had a bunch of Super Bowlsand one game the Seahawks they
were like this up-and-comingdefensive juggernaut and they
beat Tom Brady and beat himpretty badly.
And so Richard Sherman, who wasa notorious trash talker, came
over to the sideline and sort ofyelling at Tom from the
sideline and yelling, hey, youmad bro, you mad bro.

(00:43):
And if I was tom I'd be like,oh, I wasn't then but I am now,
because you know that would getme going to have someone yell at
me and uh.
But it became this meme ofrichard sherman just yelling you
mad bro, and I love that was sofunny, but it reminded me as a
kid.
When I was a kid, my parents gotdivorced and and I struggled
immensely with anger.
And in my mind I thought, oh,I'm, I'm either angry or I'm not
angry.
And uh, so people would ask me,how are you feeling?

(01:05):
And I would say things like, oh, I'm fine.
And my therapist was like no, Iwas a little boy.
He's like Ryan, fine, isn't afeeling.
I'm like well, I'm angry or I'mnot angry, I'm just good.
He's like well, there's waymore emotions and feelings than
just well, what else is there?
And he gave me this deck ofcards.

(01:25):
It was like, hey, take thesehome, lay on the table and have
your mom or your sister orwhomever ask you how are you
feeling?
And you have to pick one ofthese.
And it felt a little bit cheeky, but I was a kid, you know, and

(01:47):
the emotions were like thingslike I'm embarrassed, I'm lonely
, I'm joyful, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm disappointed, I'm bored.
Oh, there's a whole bunch goingon in the human experience, Not
just are you mad, yes or no.
In fact, the older I got, meand Katie when we first got
married, Katie would be like areyou mad?
Katie would always think that Iwas mad at her, and there's a
whole bunch of reasons for that.
But anyway, and I'm like, no,I'm not mad, but I also I'm not
mad.
I'm also not not mad.
I got some other thingshappening there.
So we had like learn as a youngcouple how to talk about how

(02:09):
each of us was really feelingbeyond just, are you mad or not
mad?
And it reminded me of Carl Junghad this idea of the
unconscious self and theunconscious self versus the
conscious self.
If you can imagine an icebergin the water, like, the
conscious self is the part ofyou that you're well aware of,
that you know that you have thisself-awareness, but in reality

(02:31):
it's the part above the water.
It's very little of the selfthat you know about.
The unconscious self is thepart under the water, like the
big chunk of the iceberg that wejust don't know about, we
aren't aware of, we're notreally, it isn't in our purview.
He calls it the shadow.
Also, you don't know the shadowbecause it's the shadow.
And so there's this part of usthat we just don't know about.
And so here's how it comes outto play.

(02:52):
Sometimes you might be somewhereand you all of a sudden behave
in this moment.
That's a bit erratic and you dosomething totally out of
character whether it's likeflipping somebody off in traffic
or yelling something out at oneof your coworkers and you're
like, why did I do that?
Like what happened there?
Like that was crazy, thatwasn't like me.
Generally, Carl Jung would saythat's the part of you that

(03:14):
you're just not aware of.
And so that's still you.
You had that reaction, you didthat thing, but it's because
there's this whole bunch goingon in you.
It's under the water, youaren't aware of it and it
influences and impacts yourbehavior.
So rather, instead of being likehow did that happen, it's
better to ask, hey, what part ofme thinks that that's true?

(03:35):
What part of me thinks thatabout that coworker?
Or feels that while I'm intraffic, what part of me is
experiencing?
And you begin to kind ofunderstand the unconscious part
of yourself in a deeper way.
You begin to kind of understandthe unconscious part of
yourself in a deeper way.
But there are all these thingsgoing on in our lives that are
way more nuanced than just youknow black or white.
I'm angry or I'm not angry, andwe would do well to take a

(03:55):
minute to pause and to reflect.
Hey, why did I respond likethat what was happening in that
moment?
Like physically, what washappening?
How did I feel?
What was I thinking?
What did it remind me of, whatsensations did I have?
And to have real conversationsto kind of understand the part
of ourselves that really impactsour life and our relationships
and our you know our own day,and we just don't even know it.

(04:17):
Okay, so here's another fun waythis kind of plays out, because
we think I don't know if you'relike me we think sometimes we go
throughout our day makingdecisions in a totally rational
way, when really there's thisunderlying, you know, a vast sea
of emotions, this whole chunkof the ice under the water
that's informing our decisions.
We don't even realize it orrecognize it and it's making us
behave like maniacs sometimes.

(04:38):
So, okay, I dropped my son offat school this past weekend, on
Sunday, and we got there Sundaynight and we were dropping him
off and we're leaving and we'repraying for him.
It's me and my daughter and himand just having this emotional
moment.
And right then and there hesort of drops to us this sort of
major decision he was beenthinking about.
I'm like it was like out of theblue.

(05:00):
He's like, hey, I think and hekind of told me this big
decision he's sort of thinkingabout making and I'm like, dude,
I go, hey, I hear you, but likeI'm his dad, I'm a bit more you
know, further on in life andI've seen this play out a few
times Like, hey, buddy, this isvery, very worth worthy of
thinking about, but right now isnot the time.

(05:20):
I'm guessing some amount of thisdecision that you want to make
is based in the emotions of themoment.
You're missing family.
You miss your mom, because meand my daughter dropped him off
just the three of us, becauseKatie and the other kids were
down in Florida.
But anyway, you're missing homeand when we got there he's an
RA at the school and there'snobody else around.

(05:40):
It was like a ghost town.
So there was no buzz, no energy, and he loves energy, and so
he's like oh man, I'm likelisten, a lot of this is just
because you're not feelingyourself right now.
It's late, You're tired.
In fact, I talked to him a lotabout sort of the AA, the HALT,
H-A-L-T.
If you're hungry, angry, lonelyor tired, know that that
directly impacts how you behaveand the decisions you make.

(06:02):
And sometimes you shouldn'tmake decisions or you're not
gonna make a good one if you'rehungry, angry, lonely or tired,
and beware like if you're analcoholic, beware if you're any
one of those four things,because you're vulnerable to
fall off the wagon and you justshouldn't make decisions in that
state.
It's just not.
It's why you shouldn't goshopping when you're hungry.
You might come home with like aloaf of raisin bread that you
ate and you're like this is sogood, and then you get home and

(06:27):
this is garbage.
Why did I buy this?
But anyway, so I go, buddy, whydon't we talk in the morning
and we'll pray about it togetherand we'll think about it and
you, you know you can't decideright now.
Anyway, let's give it some, afew months.
Even he's 19.
Of course it's what happens, butit happens to all of us and we
don't always know it orrecognize it.
You know what I mean.
So, anyway, I would encourageus, today and tomorrow or

(06:49):
whenever, when you experience amoment like it's just out of
your normal kind of way of being, like what was that?
Take a minute, slow down, pause, like what's going on, what
part of me really thinks that'strue, or what part of me really

(07:10):
was offended by that thing, orwhat's going on deep beneath the
surface, or what are theemotions I'm feeling right now?
Are you mad, bro?
Am I just mad or is itsomething?
Am I angry or am I lonely?
Or am I tired, or am Iembarrassed, or am I feeling
insecure?
Am I gloomy or is it rainingout?
You know what I mean, andthere's all kinds of things that
we respond to that just may not, we may not even be aware of it
.
Okay, so there's that.
I'll leave you with that.
I want to do a part two next andtalk about what do you do then?
How do you make decisions, Eventhough your emotions might be

(07:32):
all over the place, or you mighthave a day where you're hungry
or angry, or it's been rainingfor five straight days?
How do you live in the world ina way that's good and healthy
and maintain some balance when,even when your emotions might be
all over, or again it might bekind of just a, you know, a
gloomy december in minnesota,like I don't know how to get
through this day, but okay, yeah, how do you make decisions?
How do you live in spite ofsome of these emotions that want

(07:54):
to derail us?
So we'll talk about that nexttime.
So all right, love you guys.
Peace.