#111 - Why You Should Have a Funeral {Reflections}

Grief doesn’t disappear when we ignore it; it grows quieter and heavier. Today we talk candidly about funerals—why they matter, who they’re actually for, and how ritual gives our bodies and communities a way to carry loss with honesty and love. Ryan shares the tender story of his dad’s passing and the family’s plans to lay him to rest in Denver, then opens up about a hard truth learned during the pandemic: when we skip communal mourning, grief lingers without form.

We explore the deep roots of funeral practices, from traces of pollen in ancient burial caves to the modern mix of readings, music, prayers, and shared meals. Along the way, we unpack the language we use—funeral, memorial, celebration of life—and why the labels matter far less than the space they create. Sadness isn’t a problem to fix; it’s a sign of love. The best services make room for both tears and laughter, for hilarious family stories and quiet moments of reflection, because that’s what a real life looks like.

If you’re planning a service, you’ll hear practical guidance on shaping a gathering that fits your family: invite participation, set gentle rhythms, let someone trusted guide the flow, and close with a grounded act like a graveside farewell or a shared meal. We also talk about how community presence, scripture or poetry, and simple rituals help move us from shock toward steadier gratitude. Funerals aren’t for the dead—they’re for the living, and they work on us in profound, often hidden ways.

If this conversation helps you or someone you love, share it with a friend who needs courage for a goodbye. Subscribe for more reflections, leave a review to support the show, and tell us: what ritual helped your grief take a breath?

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:16):
What is up everybody?
Hey Ryan here, along withOlivia.
What's up, Olivia?
And Olivia's in the house today.
She is every day.
She's our producer.
Hey, uh, so I think I shared acouple of podcast episodes ago
that my dad died, and we are inthe process of planning his
funeral.
So we're gonna all fly out toColorado.
My mom, my sister, my brother,and my brother lives out there

(00:38):
actually, but and and we'regonna bury him in the ground in
Denver, in the Denver area.
And when before my dad died, heknew he was, you know, he knew
his time was coming to a uh wascoming up and his life was
coming to an end.
And he told my mom, don't do afuneral for me.
Just put me in the ground, justbe done with me.
And if you knew my dad, that'show he was.
He just didn't he didn't carefor all the pomp and

(00:59):
circumstance.
He didn't need a big deal madeof him.
He never liked the attention onhimself.
He was just an incredibleservant and uh was just a
wonderful man who didn't needall the attention.
But of course we're like, dude,we're not gonna not do a
funeral.
And my mom was like, that'ssilly, Fred.
We're not gonna do, we're notgonna not do one.
And I'm like, no, we I wouldargue we need funerals.
And uh I learned this duringCOVID.

(01:20):
During COVID, there was a numberof folks who who had a loved one
die, and they wouldn't letpeople do funerals for a long
time for all the reasons thatyou know people were told,
because the, you know, theydidn't want to have a large
gathering, and there was allkinds of logistical hurdles, and
so, but a number of folks, theirgrief sort of just kept on going
and it lingered in a way thatI've never seen before.

(01:43):
Because, as I've argued before,we are people of ritual and we
need rituals and ceremonials,ceremonies, and and these kind
of things.
And funerals are one of thosethings.
And as Olivia and I were justchatting just a moment ago, but
she said, Yeah, the thefuneral's not for the one who
died.
Like, uh, yeah, 100%.
So we told my dad, it's not thefuneral's not for you, so don't
worry about it.
It's for us.

(02:03):
It's for the living.
It's a way for us to grieve andsay goodbye and give thanks to
God for your life and memory andto have some closure, some sense
of closure in ourselves.
And again, rituals are thesethings, ceremonies, these are
the things that we do with ourphysical bodies, and there's
actions and there's prayers andthere's songs and there's
dancing or whatever your thingsare that sort of um that sort of
do something to us and theyallow us space to grieve and to

(02:27):
say goodbye, especially in thecase of uh funerals.
And this is incredible.
So, I mean, funerals have beenaround for a long, long time.
Um, there's evidence of ofpollen that was discovered in
these burial caves in northernIraq that reveals that like
these ne these ancientNeanderthal communities would
put flowers on the graves oftheir dead loved ones, um, which

(02:47):
is many of these anthropologiststhink that this is like a
forebear of today's funeralrites.
So the ancient Neanderthals weredoing funeral rites.
This is way before institutionalchurches or though or religion,
these kind of things.
It was like as though way backwhen they had this sense that we
need to do something to kind ofhonor this one who's died, who
had lived with us for a longtime, to say goodbye, to put,

(03:09):
you know, to put some, you know,some bee paw on these caves, or
to put some flowers on these,uh, on these sites, or to dance
in a circle, or jump over astick or something to say
goodbye, and to grieve, and toweep and mourn.
And so this is why I think weall should have funerals.
And listen, here's the otherthing that I I've noticed in

(03:30):
modern culture, I don't know hownew this is, but as a pastor, I
see it all the time.
People say to me, Well, Ryan, wedon't want to have a funeral.
We're gonna call it acelebration of life.
Or, well, it isn't a funeral,it's a memorial.
And I I also I I don't, I'mlike, yeah, whatever.
I I just let the folks who aregrieving kind of tell me what
they want to say or whatlanguage they want to use, and
that's fine.
But I often want to ask them,like, what's the difference?

(03:52):
And what I find in some caseswhen I do ask or when they sort
of talk more about it, they saythings like, well, we don't want
a funeral because funerals aresad.
We want to have a celebrationbecause those are joyful and
more uplifting.
And look, I get it.
I understand that, you know,folks want to remember the good
and the positive things.
And that and that's part, butthat's that's also part of a
funeral.
The word funeral just means it'sjust sort of this ancient ritual

(04:15):
of remembering the dead.
That's kind of where it comesfrom.
And so they can look like allthings.
But what I don't well, what Iguess like what I get nervous
about is this idea that thatfunerals or even memorials or
celebrations of life that theycan't be sad.
In our modern world, we don'tlove to be sad.
We don't like grief, but weoften want to skip right over it
or shoot right through it oravoid it altogether.

(04:35):
And that's a problem becausegrief and sadness and sorrow is
what it means to be a human andto be alive.
If you don't have thoseemotions, you're probably not
really fully alive or fullyengaged in life because life has
all kinds of things that make ussad or sorrowful and suffering
and pain.
These are all unfortunately, oror maybe not even, but like

(04:57):
these are all part of life.
And so a funeral, it's okay ifit's sad.
In fact, I would argue it shouldbe sad.
No, it doesn't have to just besad, but listen, you had a loved
one who just died.
Uh like my dad, we we we grew upwith him.
My mom was married to him forfor 20 plus years and had known
him for another, I think, 20before that.

(05:18):
And like, of course she's gonnabe sad.
Like, I would never want to tellsomeone like that, oh, you
shouldn't be sad, we're gonnajust celebrate.
No, it's okay to be sad.
And in the sadness, in thegrief, in the sorrow, that is
also celebrating his life andtelling the stories.
And listen, there will also behilarious stories.
My brother Chris is just, he'ssuper funny, just naturally.
He's he's a hilarious, hilariousguy.

(05:38):
And we've already been tellingfunny stories.
When I was there the week whenhe was dying, we told funny
stories.
We went like in and out, fromlike telling funny stories and
laughing uh to crying andweeping over his body as we
prayed and commended him, andthen to watching football with
him.
And it was like this weird inand out of of life and death,
and and we went from crying tolaughing and back and forth, and

(05:58):
it's like that's what it is,it's what it's like.
So, anyway, I guess I want tosay uh funerals are not for the
dead, they're for the living,and it's a way for us to grieve.
We need them.
We need them.
It's it's good to get togetherwith people and and to share the
grief in this physical spacewhere you all gather together
and you sing songs and you prayand you uh tell stories about
that person and you celebratethem for sure, but you also weep

(06:20):
and cry and and grieve, and youhave a pastor or a preacher or
somebody just get up and read ascripture and then talk about
that in life and death, and andthen you pray and you close and
you go and bury them in theground, and that's kind of a
closure ceremony.
It's an incredibly profound andmystical thing that we do that
impacts us profoundly.
So don't skip that.
It's okay to do that and and tohave a little bit of pomp and

(06:41):
circumstance.
That's actually a good thing.
And also know that when you dohave them, it's okay if there's
some sadness there.
You should be sad, you should befeel free and and uh feel open
to be sad and have some sorrowand uh laugh and tell funny
stories as well.
They all kind of belong becausethey're all a part of that
person's life.
So all right, so have a funeraland celebrate and cry and laugh

(07:02):
and weep and and go and havelunch and do it together.
All right, love you guys, peace.
Hey, if you enjoy this show, I'dlove to have you share it with
some friends.
And don't forget you are alwayswelcome to join us in person at
Central in Elk River at 8 30,which is our liturgical
gathering, or at 10 o'clock, ourmodern gathering.

(07:22):
Or you can check us out onlineat clcelkriver.org.
Peace.