#113 - How to be your Kid's Friend {Reflections}

Ever feel the tug to keep the peace and just let it slide? We dig into a crisp idea that rewires how you think about your role: you can be friends with your kids in the first part of their lives or the second, but not both. Through a quick story from the baseball field and a candid look at screen-time standoffs, we show how fear of a child’s anger can flip the home and stall a child’s growth. The antidote isn’t harsher rules; it’s steadier ones—boundaries framed with warmth, explained with clarity, and enforced with calm follow-through.

We talk about why kids don’t need more peers and how an adult’s steady presence teaches social norms, self-control, and respect for no. Drawing on a memorable rule—don’t let your kids do things that make you not like them—we make the case for interrupting habits that turn kids into people others avoid. This is about shaping future adults who can handle disappointment, collaborate with others, and carry their weight at home, school, and work. You’ll hear why early structure pays off later with deeper connection, more trust, and genuine friendship between parent and grown child.

If you’ve wondered when to shut down the console, how to hold a line without a blowup, or whether saying no will harm the relationship, this conversation offers a simple path forward. Expect practical phrases you can use today, a mindset shift that lowers the temperature at home, and a long view that trades short-term comfort for lasting closeness. Share this with a parent who feels stuck, and tell us: what boundary will you reset this week? If this helped, subscribe, leave a review, and pass it on to someone who needs a nudge toward calm, confident parenting.

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:17):
What is up everybody?
Hey, this is Ryan.
Welcome back to our Reflectionspodcast.
And hey, I heard some parentingadvice the other day that I
absolutely loved.
Now you might be on here andsay, I'm not a parent, but don't
tune me out just yet.
Maybe you're you'll be a parentsomeday, or you can help others
who might be parents or will beparents, but this is just great
advice.
But I want to tell a story firstbefore I give you the actual
advice.
But a couple years ago, I wascoaching baseball.

(00:38):
My son Logan played for a team,and it was like summertime, and
there was a dad who was anassistant coach of mine, great
guy, and he was telling me, hewas kind of complaining one
night.
He's like, Oh yeah, my son, andthis time they were like 13, I
think.
He's like, My son all summerjust sits around and plays video
games all day long.
He goes, This it wasn't the sameas when we were kids, when we
were out in the baseball fieldplaying baseball or out playing

(01:00):
frisbee or hide and seek.
And he goes, I so all he does isplay video games all day long.
And I said, Oh, well, why don'tyou just turn it off, turn off
the TV for him, or turn off hisPlayStation or whatever it was,
you know, or like take it fromhim.
He goes, Oh no, I could I couldnever do that.
He'd be so mad at me.
And I was like, uh, so like,dude, you're his dad.

(01:21):
You're not his buddy.
Like your job, some like that'skind of part of that's kind of
part of the job, is when yourkids get mad at you.
Like you can't you can't beafraid of that.
And I realized, oh, this kid uhwas kind of running the show in
many ways, and whatever hewanted to do, the dad would let
him do because the dad was tooafraid to say no.
And what was happening was thekid was kind of becoming this

(01:42):
lazy video gamer who was kind ofrude to people.
Um, and that was why, whichokay, so now here's the advice
that I heard recently, and thisis great.
Most of my kids are grown.
I've got two kids in college andI've got two in high school, but
but it's so great.
And this woman, I don't know whoit was, I I wish you I wish I
could give her credit, but Ican't.
She said, Listen, you can befriends with your kids either in

(02:04):
the first half of their life orthe second half of their life.
But but not both.
In other words, like whenthey're when they're like zero
to twenty, that's not really thefirst half, but like the first
chunk.
You can be friends with themwhen they're zero to twenty or
when they're twenty on.
And here's why, because ifyou're friends with them when
they're zero to twenty, ifyou're friends, if your goal is
to be that that kid's friend andto be like one of their peers or

(02:27):
to be a friend with them whenthey're z when they're 12 or 8
even or even five, uh, you willraise a kid who's not that fun
to be around when you're whenthat kid is 30.
Because all the things that youdo, like so like this kid, you
know, if you let your kid, youknow, kind of uh be a peer, be a
friend, um, rather than a parentwhen they're younger, then they

(02:49):
will learn bad habits.
They will think that they're theone in charge, they will not
learn how to hear the word no,um, they will think that you're
their friend.
And then when they're older, youprobably won't want to hang out
with them because they're gonnabe kind of like uh kind of
nasty, you know what I mean?
Whereas if you parent them fromthe ages of zero to twenty,
probably zero to fifteen, let'sbe honest, then you will instill

(03:09):
in them these ways of being thatmake them enjoyable to be around
when they're 20 to however oldthey get.
So you can be their friendeither in those first 20 years
or the rest of their life.
You can't do it in both of them,which makes you think of this
other thing.
Jordan Peterson, he's a verywell-known psychologist who
wrote a few books, and one ofhis rules for life is uh I love

(03:30):
it, it's so funny.
It says, Don't let your kids dothings that make you not like
them.
Which is hilarious.
Because without pointingfingers, we all know somebody
who lets their kid do thingsthat make a bunch of folks not
like them, you know.
Like, you know, the kid who likeis just doing like just things
like, what are you doing?
And I love kids, I love kids,but sometimes there are kids who

(03:51):
are like, you know, in likecommunal settings, they will
just do things that other adultsthat makes them not like them,
you know what I'm saying?
Whether it's, I don't know, ifthey're rude or if they are
whatever you can imagine all thethings.
And and so the idea is as aparent, part of your job is to
help them not do that so theycan be more, you know, accepted
into society, which is actuallynot a bad thing.
I'm not saying just do associety does, I don't mean that,

(04:14):
but like to learn sort of thesocial norms about how to behave
as a young kid.
And part of the parent's job isto provide boundaries and
guidelines and rules andregulations, and the kid,
they're a kid, they don't knowany better.
You have to teach them how to bean adult, and only you can do
that.
Only you can do that.
By the way, their peers can't dothat.
They don't need more friends,they've got plenty of friends.

(04:34):
They need instead, they needthey need an adult who can help
them know what it means and whatit looks like to assimilate into
adulthood.
So then they need an adult whocan teach them how to be an
adult.
And being their friend whenthey're younger doesn't work.
Uh because if you do that, thenyou will make a you will raise a
kid who nobody likes whenthey're much older.
So there you have it.
So uh my encouragement for youparents or would-be parents or

(04:56):
wanna be parents or or uncles oraunts or godparents or neighbors
of kids, you know, help thosekids to know what it means and
it looks like to grow up into anadult.
Do it lovingly and caringly, butprovide boundaries and borders
for that kid.
Help them to hear the word noand know what it means.
And and uh and if you're aparent, be a parent.
You don't need to be theirfriend, be their friend when
they're older.

(05:17):
It's way easier too if you'veraised them in the right way.
So there you go.
All right, love you guys, peace.
Hey, if you enjoy this show, I'dlove to have you share it with
some friends.
And don't forget you are alwayswelcome to join us in person at
Central in Elk River at 8 30,which is our liturgical

(05:38):
gathering, or at 10 o'clock, ourmodern gathering.
Or you can check us out onlineat clcelkriver.org.
Peace.