March 12, 2025 • 22 mins
Have you noticed your once-confident teen suddenly hesitating or avoiding challenges altogether? You're not alone—and it's not just a phase.
Welcome to the avoidance cycle, a neurological pattern quietly reshaping how teenagers approach life's challenges.
In this deep dive into teen psychology and neuroscience, we explore why avoidance feels so rewarding to the teenage brain yet simultaneously shrinks confidence over time.
When teens repeatedly step back from challenges, they're not just dodging discomfort—they're physically rewiring their neural pathways, strengthening circuits for fear while weakening those for resilience.
The science is clear: every avoided challenge reinforces the belief "I can't handle this," creating a self-fulfilling prophecy that follows teens into adulthood.
But there's hope. Drawing from cutting-edge research in neuroplasticity, I share three powerful strategies parents can implement immediately: the 10-second rule that bypasses anticipatory anxiety, reframing failure as valuable data collection, and rewarding brave attempts rather than just successful outcomes.
Through real-world examples like Mia, a talented drama student paralyzed by fear until she tackled challenges in micro-steps, we see how even deeply entrenched avoidance patterns can transform into courage through intentional action.
The key insight? Confidence isn't something teens are born with—it's something they build through repeated brave actions, no matter how small.
Your teen doesn't need to feel ready to start; they just need to start to build readiness.
Share this episode with another parent witnessing their teen's world growing smaller through avoidance, and subscribe for more science-backed strategies that help teens challenge their minds to change their world.
If you enjoyed today's episode, please take the time to rate our podcast. Your rating means the world to us and it allows us to continue to share and grow our message of support to other fabulous humans out there!
For more free resources, check out my guide to the 5 secret habits of teens who succeed. Jam packed with advice, tips and strategies. Yours free!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey there and welcome back to Challenge your Mind,
change the World.
I'm Francesca Hudson, and todaywe're tackling something that's
quietly shaping the way ourteens navigate life.
I like to call it the avoidancecycle, and we see this as
educators and we see this asparents.
Now, this is something that Isee all the time, whether it's
(00:22):
in the classroom, in coaching oreven in conversations with
parents who say I don't get it.
My teen used to be so confidentand now they hesitate over
everything.
And I get it.
We live in a world where stressis really high and expectations
are overwhelming and, let's behonest, avoidance feels like the
(00:42):
easiest solution.
When something feelsuncomfortable or risky, their
natural instinct is to pull back, to step away and say maybe
later or I just can't.
But here is the kicker Everytime a teen avoids a challenge,
they're not just dodgingdiscomfort, they're shrinking
(01:03):
their confidence, and the morethey do it, the harder it is to
break the cycle.
And it starts small.
They skip answering a questionin class, then they stop trying
new things and then suddenlytheir world gets smaller and
smaller, and before you know it,they're not just avoiding hard
things, they're avoiding growth,and that's what we're going to
look into today.
(01:24):
Why does this happen?
What does science say about itand, most importantly, what can
you do as a parent to help thembreak free?
Because here's the truthconfidence isn't something you
either have or you don't.
It's built through action.
And today I'm going to show youexactly how to help your teen
(01:45):
step out of avoidance and intogrowth.
So if you've ever watched yourteen hesitate, second guess
themselves or, flat heart,refuse to engage with a
challenge, this episode is foryou.
Let's get into it.
All right, let's start with thebasics.
Avoidance is a natural humanresponse to discomfort.
(02:07):
Right, it's wired into us.
The brain's job at its core isto keep us safe, and when
something feels risky oruncertain or outside our comfort
zone, the brain hits the panicbutton, it whispers this is too
much, you might fail.
What if you look stupid?
And before we know it, our bodylistens, our heart races, our
(02:29):
stomach knots up and suddenlyavoidance doesn't just feel like
a choice, it feels like theonly option.
This is human nature.
Now here's where it gets trickywith teens.
Their brains are stilldeveloping, specifically the
prefrontal cortex, which is thepart responsible for logical
reasoning, problem solving andfor managing emotions.
So when a challenge presentsitself, whether it's raising
(02:52):
their hand in class or tryingout for a team or tackling a
difficult subject, theiremotional brain, which is called
the amygdala, often overridestheir rational brain and in that
moment, avoiding the challengeactually feels like a huge
relief to them or to any of us.
And that's where the cyclebegins.
So let me just break it downfor you, this avoidance cycle,
(03:16):
how it works, because this cycleis sneaky and it's happening in
millions of homes right now.
So the first step in theavoidance cycle is that a
challenge appears, so maybe it'sa big science project or a
group presentation, or evensomething as simple as asking
for help.
(03:36):
And then step two in the cycle,your team begins to feel
anxious.
Their thoughts begin to spiralwhat if I mess up?
What if people judge me?
What if I don't know what tosay?
And then step three in theavoidance cycle is that they
choose to avoid.
Instead of facing discomfort,they take the easy way out.
They don't sign up, they forgetabout the assignment, they
(03:58):
procrastinate, they come up withexcuses.
And then step four is thatinstant relief that they get.
The brain rewards avoidancebecause in the short term it
works.
The anxiety disappears, kill,crisis averted.
But then, step five, confidencetakes a hit.
Every avoided challengereinforces the belief I can't do
(04:20):
this, I'm not capable, I'm notenough.
And the next time a challengecomes up, well, the cycle
repeats.
Only now your teen is even lesssure of themselves.
Does this sound familiar to youat home?
This is why I tell parentsavoidance isn't just a behavior,
it's a shrinking of self-belief.
And if we don't step in,teenagers and our children don't
(04:42):
just avoid schoolwork or socialsituations.
They start avoidingopportunities, they stop
applying for leadership roles,they don't try new things, they
retreat from challenges insteadof rising to them.
Their world becomes smaller andsmaller, and that is a
heartbreaking thing to watch.
So let's look at the sciencebehind it.
(05:03):
Why avoidance weakens the brain?
Because I want to let you in onsomething that I find really
fascinating.
This isn't just emotional, it'sneurological.
Research from StanfordUniversity shows that when teens
repeatedly avoid challenges,the neural pathways responsible
for resilience and problemsolving begin to weaken.
(05:24):
Think of the brain like amuscle If you stop using it in a
certain way, it shrinks, andbrain scans reveal that teens
who avoid challenges havereduced activity in the
prefrontal cortex, the partresponsible for decision making
and logical thinking.
Meanwhile their amygdala, thepart responsible for fear and
(05:45):
anxiety becomes more dominant.
In simple terms, this meansthat the more they avoid, the
more anxiety takes control.
And what's even morefascinating, the brain actually
rewards avoidance by releasingdopamine, which we've all heard
of, the neurotransmitterresponsible for pleasure.
So every time a teen dodges adifficult situation, they feel
(06:09):
that brief reward of relief.
But here's the dangerous part inall of this that relief is
addictive.
Every time they avoid, theirbrain learns.
Avoiding feels good, avoidingis safe.
Let's do that again.
And just like that, a patternis reinforced.
That's why avoidance isn't justa phrase.
(06:30):
It's a rewiring of the brain,and if we don't interrupt the
cycle, teens risk carrying thesepatterns into adulthood, where
avoidance turns into missedcareer opportunities,
unfulfilled potential andself-doubt that never really
goes away.
So what can we do about this athome?
What can we do about this asparents and as educators?
Well, I've got some good newsfor you.
(06:51):
The brain is just as capable ofreinforcing courage as it is
avoidance.
When children and teens takeeven small, brave steps, they
activate their prefrontal cortex, they rewire their neural
pathways and literally buildconfidence from the inside out.
(07:11):
Isn't that cool?
And in just a minute I'm goingto share exactly how you, as a
parent, can help your teenretrain their brain and break
out of that avoidance cycle thatthey might be going through and
step into courage instead offear.
Stay with me.
This is where it gets powerful.
Let me tell you about Mia.
I'm going to change your namefor privacy reasons, but we'll
call her Mia, and Mia was one ofthe most expressive, creative
(07:36):
and passionate students that Ihad ever seen in drama class.
I used to be a drama teacher.
I taught drama as well asEnglish literature and history
for many, many years, and so Iwould come across all different
types of students in the dramaworld at high school, and Mia
really stood out.
She loved acting, she devouredscripts, she studied scenes in
(07:57):
her free time and she couldrecite monologues from memory,
and she was the kind of studentthat you just knew was going to
be destined for the stage.
But there was one problem Miarefused to audition for the
school play, so every timesignups came around, she had an
excuse Too busy, I'm not ready,I'll probably miss out.
(08:17):
But when I pulled her aside andI really talked to her, she
finally admitted the truth.
She said she felt like shewasn't good enough, that she
would embarrass herself and thateverybody would just see that
she was a fraud.
Now here's where it getsinteresting, because this wasn't
just about acting.
I started noticing that Miawasn't just avoiding auditions,
(08:38):
she was avoiding everything.
The next year, she stoppedspeaking up in class, she
wouldn't volunteer for grouppresentations and she turned
down a leadership role she waspersonally personally nominated
for, and by the time she was inher third year, she had
completely convinced herselfthat she just wasn't a confident
person.
(08:59):
Now, pause for a second here,because this is how avoidance
works the more we avoid, themore we believe we can't handle
challenges, and once that belieftakes hold, it spreads like
wildfire.
So back to Mia.
What did I do as the teacher?
Well, instead of pushing Miastraight into a high stakes
(09:22):
audition, which would triggerall her fears, I took a
different approach.
We started small, so Iencouraged her to practice a
single line from the script infront of just one person Yep,
just one person.
Then she repeated the line infront of three people when she
was confident, and then sheperformed the same line in front
(09:45):
of her drama teacher.
So we've gone from one personto three people, to a grown-up,
her teacher, slightly moreintimidating.
And then she auditioned for aminor role, not the lead, not
even a big speaking part, justsomething to get her back into
the game.
And every step was designed tostretch her comfort zone without
(10:06):
overwhelming her nervous system.
And guess what?
By the time the next play camearound, mia wasn't just
auditioning, she was landing thelead role.
Yes, go, mia, I'm so proud.
So what changed?
Well, mia didn't magicallybecome confident overnight.
She didn't wake up one daysuddenly fearless.
What happened was far morepowerful.
(10:26):
She stopped letting avoidancerun the show and started proving
to herself that she couldhandle discomfort Ah, key word
there discomfort.
And instead of waiting forconfidence to come first, she
acted first and confidencefollowed.
And this is what I tell parentsall the time Confidence isn't
something teens abhor with.
It's something that they build,and the only way to build it is
(10:49):
through action.
Now imagine if I had just toldMia oh, come on, just go for it,
you'll be fine.
That would have been useless.
Useless why?
Because her brain was stuck inan avoidance loop and what broke
the cycle was gradual exposure.
And that's exactly how you can,as parents at home, help your
teens step out of avoidance andinto confidence.
(11:12):
I would suggest not to push theminto the deep end right away
and help your kids to take microsteps towards the challenge.
What's the smallest, leastintimidating?
Help your kids to take microsteps towards the challenge.
What's the smallest, leastintimidating step that they can
take?
And start there.
Then you can turn courage intoa habit.
Help your kids build confidencethrough action rather than
waiting for it to just magicallyappear, and then you can
(11:33):
reinforce their efforts, notjust the outcome.
So instead of saying great job,getting the lead, you could say
instead I love that you showedup and gave it a shot.
That way, your children andyour teens confidence doesn't
just depend on success.
It depends on their willingnessto try.
And here's the big idea I wantyou to walk away with today at
the end of this episode.
(11:55):
Avoidance doesn't just protectteens from failure, it also
steals their chance to grow.
Every time they avoid, theirconfidence shrinks.
But every time they take action, no matter how small, they're
proving to themselves that theycan handle challenges.
And once they start provingthat to themselves, everything
changes.
(12:15):
So now that we understand howavoidance shrinks confidence,
let's talk about the mostimportant part how to break the
cycle.
And if your teen is stuck inavoidance mode.
It's not enough to just say bemore confident or just do it.
If only it was that easy, right.
Instead, we need to work withthe brain, not against it.
(12:35):
This is where I get into my realpassion neuroscience, and here
are three powerfulresearch-backed strategies to
help your teen or your child, isto help your teen to step out
of avoidance and into action.
So the first one is the use the10 second rule.
Have you ever noticed that theanticipation of doing something
(12:58):
is often worse than actuallydoing it?
It's like going to the gym Justget in the car and go to the
gym.
You don't have to do theworkout, just get there.
And then, when you're there,you're like well, I'm here, now
I might as well start workingout.
It's kind of the same thing forteens and for kids.
But if we go back to the sciencefor a minute, anxiety
researcher Dr Lisa DeMoorexplains that most avoidance
(13:21):
comes from anticipatory fear,meaning the brain overestimates
how difficult or uncomfortable atask is going to be.
But here's the trick If a teencan start within 10 seconds, the
brain stops panicking.
Amazing, how cool is that?
Why do you think this works?
Well, I'll tell you.
(13:41):
Once we begin an action, ourbrain shifts from fear mode to
task mode and it stops obsessingover worst case scenarios and
actually focuses on the nextstep.
So the next time your teen isavoiding something, whether it's
starting homework or making aphone call or walking into a
room, say just try it for 10seconds, that's it, just 10
(14:05):
seconds.
No pressure to finish, nocommitment to doing the whole
thing, just 10 seconds.
So, for example, if your teenrefuses to start their homework,
you could say look, I don'tneed you to do the whole thing,
just open the book and read thefirst question for 10 seconds.
Once they start, the brainstops resisting and in most
(14:27):
cases, they keep going.
I'm not going to guarantee it'sin 100% of cases we know
teenagers but in most cases theykeep going past that 10 second
mark.
Okay, my second research backedstrategy is reframe failure as
data collection.
Now, what do I mean by that?
Most teens avoid challengesbecause they're afraid of
(14:50):
failing.
But here's the game changer.
What if we removed failure fromthe equation all together?
Instead of asking did yousucceed or fail, start asking
what did you learn?
What's one thing you dodifferently next time.
Now, why does this work?
Well, because by treatingfailure as data collection
(15:11):
instead of just a personalityidentity, we strip away the
shame that keeps our childrenand our teens stuck in avoidance
.
When they no longer seemistakes as proof they're not
good enough, but as feedbackthat helps them grow, they stop
being afraid to try.
So, for example, let's say yourteen stumbles through a speech
(15:31):
in class and is embarrassed,instead of saying it's okay,
you'll do better next time.
You could try this.
Okay, what's one thing youlearned from that and what would
you tweak next time?
Now, instead of avoidance,their brain shifts into that
problem-solving mode that wewant them to get into.
I'll give you a real-world casestudy to back this up.
(15:53):
So, in a study on a growthmindset by Dr Carol Dweck,
students who were taught to seefailure as feedback showed
higher motivation.
They showed better performanceand a greater willingness to try
to take risks.
So the takeaway in all of thisfailure isn't the enemy, fear of
failure is, and when we reframefailure, we take away its power
(16:18):
.
Now my third strategy is toreward brave attempts, not just
success.
Now, what I mean by this ismost parents say these things
that I'm about to say withoutrealizing it.
They say and I'm guilty of thistoo.
We all do it.
Great job winning the debate.
Or I'm so proud of you foracing that test.
(16:41):
Now, these kinds of commentsseem harmless right, but here's
the issue with them.
When we only praise success,our kids start believing that
their worth is tied to theoutcome.
And what happens when they'renot sure that they can succeed?
They avoid it because to themthe risk of failure feels too
high.
So there's a fix to this, andit's to praise the effort, not
(17:04):
just the outcome.
Instead of saying great jobwinning the debate, you could
say saw you push yourself today.
That took guts.
You could say before you pushedyourself today, that took guts.
Or instead of saying I'm soproud of your A on the test, you
could say I love how hard youstudied for this.
That kind of effort will takeyou so far.
Now why does this work?
(17:26):
Well, it shifts our kids' focusfrom perfection to progress.
It teaches them that effort iswhat builds success, not natural
talent.
And it builds intrinsicmotivation, meaning that our
kids will take on challenges forthemselves, not just for
external validation.
And here's my bonus tip for youAt the dinner table tonight,
(17:47):
you could try asking what's onething you did today that was
outside of your comfort zone.
I love this.
I do this all the time at homewith my kids, and we really
celebrate that, because that'show confidence is built.
And if there's one thing I wantyou to take away from today,
it's this.
Confidence isn't something thatteens are born with.
It's something they build.
And how do they build it?
(18:08):
By doing hard things, even whenthey don't feel ready.
Every time they take action,they are literally rewiring your
brain for courage.
So the next time your teenhesitates, remind them.
Avoidance shrinks confidence,but action, any action makes it
grow.
You've got this, and so do they.
(18:29):
And here's what's trulyincredible the brain can rewire
itself at any time.
Every time your teen takes on achallenge, even a small one,
they're physically reshapingtheir brain with courage.
That's not just feel-goodadvice, that's science,
neuroplasticity, research,neuropathicity I can't say it
(18:51):
today.
Neuropathicity research showsthat the more we engage in a
behavior, the stronger thoseneural pathways become.
When teens repeatedly step intodiscomfort, when they raise
their hand at school or theyspeak up or they push through a
tough moment, their brainstrengthens the circuits
responsible for bravery.
And the best, best part, itworks both ways.
(19:13):
Avoidance shrinks confidence,but action any action makes it
grow.
So the next time your teenhesitates, remind them you don't
have to feel ready, you justhave to start, because
confidence doesn't come fromwaiting, it comes from doing All
right.
Well, that's it for today.
If this episode really spoke toyou, my friend, send it to
(19:35):
another parent who needs to hearit.
Let's help more teens step outof there and into their full
potential.
And hey, if you haven't alreadyhit that subscribe button,
because every week we're divinginto more science-backed,
real-world strategies to helpyour teen challenge their mind
so they can change their world.
Until next time, my friend,keep pushing boundaries, keep
(19:57):
believing in growth and keeptaking action, because the best
way to build confidence isn't towait for it, it's to create it.
Bye for now.
Hey there and welcome back to Challenge your Mind,
change the World.
I'm Francesca Hudson, and todaywe're tackling something that's
quietly shaping the way ourteens navigate life.
I like to call it the avoidancecycle, and we see this as
educators and we see this asparents.
Now, this is something that Isee all the time, whether it's
(00:22):
in the classroom, in coaching oreven in conversations with
parents who say I don't get it.
My teen used to be so confidentand now they hesitate over
everything.
And I get it.
We live in a world where stressis really high and expectations
are overwhelming and, let's behonest, avoidance feels like the
(00:42):
easiest solution.
When something feelsuncomfortable or risky, their
natural instinct is to pull back, to step away and say maybe
later or I just can't.
But here is the kicker Everytime a teen avoids a challenge,
they're not just dodgingdiscomfort, they're shrinking
(01:03):
their confidence, and the morethey do it, the harder it is to
break the cycle.
And it starts small.
They skip answering a questionin class, then they stop trying
new things and then suddenlytheir world gets smaller and
smaller, and before you know it,they're not just avoiding hard
things, they're avoiding growth,and that's what we're going to
look into today.
(01:24):
Why does this happen?
What does science say about itand, most importantly, what can
you do as a parent to help thembreak free?
Because here's the truthconfidence isn't something you
either have or you don't.
It's built through action.
And today I'm going to show youexactly how to help your teen
(01:45):
step out of avoidance and intogrowth.
So if you've ever watched yourteen hesitate, second guess
themselves or, flat heart,refuse to engage with a
challenge, this episode is foryou.
Let's get into it.
All right, let's start with thebasics.
Avoidance is a natural humanresponse to discomfort.
(02:07):
Right, it's wired into us.
The brain's job at its core isto keep us safe, and when
something feels risky oruncertain or outside our comfort
zone, the brain hits the panicbutton, it whispers this is too
much, you might fail.
What if you look stupid?
And before we know it, our bodylistens, our heart races, our
(02:29):
stomach knots up and suddenlyavoidance doesn't just feel like
a choice, it feels like theonly option.
This is human nature.
Now here's where it gets trickywith teens.
Their brains are stilldeveloping, specifically the
prefrontal cortex, which is thepart responsible for logical
reasoning, problem solving andfor managing emotions.
So when a challenge presentsitself, whether it's raising
(02:52):
their hand in class or tryingout for a team or tackling a
difficult subject, theiremotional brain, which is called
the amygdala, often overridestheir rational brain and in that
moment, avoiding the challengeactually feels like a huge
relief to them or to any of us.
And that's where the cyclebegins.
So let me just break it downfor you, this avoidance cycle,
(03:16):
how it works, because this cycleis sneaky and it's happening in
millions of homes right now.
So the first step in theavoidance cycle is that a
challenge appears, so maybe it'sa big science project or a
group presentation, or evensomething as simple as asking
for help.
(03:36):
And then step two in the cycle,your team begins to feel
anxious.
Their thoughts begin to spiralwhat if I mess up?
What if people judge me?
What if I don't know what tosay?
And then step three in theavoidance cycle is that they
choose to avoid.
Instead of facing discomfort,they take the easy way out.
They don't sign up, they forgetabout the assignment, they
(03:58):
procrastinate, they come up withexcuses.
And then step four is thatinstant relief that they get.
The brain rewards avoidancebecause in the short term it
works.
The anxiety disappears, kill,crisis averted.
But then, step five, confidencetakes a hit.
Every avoided challengereinforces the belief I can't do
(04:20):
this, I'm not capable, I'm notenough.
And the next time a challengecomes up, well, the cycle
repeats.
Only now your teen is even lesssure of themselves.
Does this sound familiar to youat home?
This is why I tell parentsavoidance isn't just a behavior,
it's a shrinking of self-belief.
And if we don't step in,teenagers and our children don't
(04:42):
just avoid schoolwork or socialsituations.
They start avoidingopportunities, they stop
applying for leadership roles,they don't try new things, they
retreat from challenges insteadof rising to them.
Their world becomes smaller andsmaller, and that is a
heartbreaking thing to watch.
So let's look at the sciencebehind it.
(05:03):
Why avoidance weakens the brain?
Because I want to let you in onsomething that I find really
fascinating.
This isn't just emotional, it'sneurological.
Research from StanfordUniversity shows that when teens
repeatedly avoid challenges,the neural pathways responsible
for resilience and problemsolving begin to weaken.
(05:24):
Think of the brain like amuscle If you stop using it in a
certain way, it shrinks, andbrain scans reveal that teens
who avoid challenges havereduced activity in the
prefrontal cortex, the partresponsible for decision making
and logical thinking.
Meanwhile their amygdala, thepart responsible for fear and
(05:45):
anxiety becomes more dominant.
In simple terms, this meansthat the more they avoid, the
more anxiety takes control.
And what's even morefascinating, the brain actually
rewards avoidance by releasingdopamine, which we've all heard
of, the neurotransmitterresponsible for pleasure.
So every time a teen dodges adifficult situation, they feel
(06:09):
that brief reward of relief.
But here's the dangerous part inall of this that relief is
addictive.
Every time they avoid, theirbrain learns.
Avoiding feels good, avoidingis safe.
Let's do that again.
And just like that, a patternis reinforced.
That's why avoidance isn't justa phrase.
(06:30):
It's a rewiring of the brain,and if we don't interrupt the
cycle, teens risk carrying thesepatterns into adulthood, where
avoidance turns into missedcareer opportunities,
unfulfilled potential andself-doubt that never really
goes away.
So what can we do about this athome?
What can we do about this asparents and as educators?
Well, I've got some good newsfor you.
(06:51):
The brain is just as capable ofreinforcing courage as it is
avoidance.
When children and teens takeeven small, brave steps, they
activate their prefrontal cortex, they rewire their neural
pathways and literally buildconfidence from the inside out.
(07:11):
Isn't that cool?
And in just a minute I'm goingto share exactly how you, as a
parent, can help your teenretrain their brain and break
out of that avoidance cycle thatthey might be going through and
step into courage instead offear.
Stay with me.
This is where it gets powerful.
Let me tell you about Mia.
I'm going to change your namefor privacy reasons, but we'll
call her Mia, and Mia was one ofthe most expressive, creative
(07:36):
and passionate students that Ihad ever seen in drama class.
I used to be a drama teacher.
I taught drama as well asEnglish literature and history
for many, many years, and so Iwould come across all different
types of students in the dramaworld at high school, and Mia
really stood out.
She loved acting, she devouredscripts, she studied scenes in
(07:57):
her free time and she couldrecite monologues from memory,
and she was the kind of studentthat you just knew was going to
be destined for the stage.
But there was one problem Miarefused to audition for the
school play, so every timesignups came around, she had an
excuse Too busy, I'm not ready,I'll probably miss out.
(08:17):
But when I pulled her aside andI really talked to her, she
finally admitted the truth.
She said she felt like shewasn't good enough, that she
would embarrass herself and thateverybody would just see that
she was a fraud.
Now here's where it getsinteresting, because this wasn't
just about acting.
I started noticing that Miawasn't just avoiding auditions,
(08:38):
she was avoiding everything.
The next year, she stoppedspeaking up in class, she
wouldn't volunteer for grouppresentations and she turned
down a leadership role she waspersonally personally nominated
for, and by the time she was inher third year, she had
completely convinced herselfthat she just wasn't a confident
person.
(08:59):
Now, pause for a second here,because this is how avoidance
works the more we avoid, themore we believe we can't handle
challenges, and once that belieftakes hold, it spreads like
wildfire.
So back to Mia.
What did I do as the teacher?
Well, instead of pushing Miastraight into a high stakes
(09:22):
audition, which would triggerall her fears, I took a
different approach.
We started small, so Iencouraged her to practice a
single line from the script infront of just one person Yep,
just one person.
Then she repeated the line infront of three people when she
was confident, and then sheperformed the same line in front
(09:45):
of her drama teacher.
So we've gone from one personto three people, to a grown-up,
her teacher, slightly moreintimidating.
And then she auditioned for aminor role, not the lead, not
even a big speaking part, justsomething to get her back into
the game.
And every step was designed tostretch her comfort zone without
(10:06):
overwhelming her nervous system.
And guess what?
By the time the next play camearound, mia wasn't just
auditioning, she was landing thelead role.
Yes, go, mia, I'm so proud.
So what changed?
Well, mia didn't magicallybecome confident overnight.
She didn't wake up one daysuddenly fearless.
What happened was far morepowerful.
(10:26):
She stopped letting avoidancerun the show and started proving
to herself that she couldhandle discomfort Ah, key word
there discomfort.
And instead of waiting forconfidence to come first, she
acted first and confidencefollowed.
And this is what I tell parentsall the time Confidence isn't
something teens abhor with.
It's something that they build,and the only way to build it is
(10:49):
through action.
Now imagine if I had just toldMia oh, come on, just go for it,
you'll be fine.
That would have been useless.
Useless why?
Because her brain was stuck inan avoidance loop and what broke
the cycle was gradual exposure.
And that's exactly how you can,as parents at home, help your
teens step out of avoidance andinto confidence.
(11:12):
I would suggest not to push theminto the deep end right away
and help your kids to take microsteps towards the challenge.
What's the smallest, leastintimidating?
Help your kids to take microsteps towards the challenge.
What's the smallest, leastintimidating step that they can
take?
And start there.
Then you can turn courage intoa habit.
Help your kids build confidencethrough action rather than
waiting for it to just magicallyappear, and then you can
(11:33):
reinforce their efforts, notjust the outcome.
So instead of saying great job,getting the lead, you could say
instead I love that you showedup and gave it a shot.
That way, your children andyour teens confidence doesn't
just depend on success.
It depends on their willingnessto try.
And here's the big idea I wantyou to walk away with today at
the end of this episode.
(11:55):
Avoidance doesn't just protectteens from failure, it also
steals their chance to grow.
Every time they avoid, theirconfidence shrinks.
But every time they take action, no matter how small, they're
proving to themselves that theycan handle challenges.
And once they start provingthat to themselves, everything
changes.
(12:15):
So now that we understand howavoidance shrinks confidence,
let's talk about the mostimportant part how to break the
cycle.
And if your teen is stuck inavoidance mode.
It's not enough to just say bemore confident or just do it.
If only it was that easy, right.
Instead, we need to work withthe brain, not against it.
(12:35):
This is where I get into my realpassion neuroscience, and here
are three powerfulresearch-backed strategies to
help your teen or your child, isto help your teen to step out
of avoidance and into action.
So the first one is the use the10 second rule.
Have you ever noticed that theanticipation of doing something
(12:58):
is often worse than actuallydoing it?
It's like going to the gym Justget in the car and go to the
gym.
You don't have to do theworkout, just get there.
And then, when you're there,you're like well, I'm here, now
I might as well start workingout.
It's kind of the same thing forteens and for kids.
But if we go back to the sciencefor a minute, anxiety
researcher Dr Lisa DeMoorexplains that most avoidance
(13:21):
comes from anticipatory fear,meaning the brain overestimates
how difficult or uncomfortable atask is going to be.
But here's the trick If a teencan start within 10 seconds, the
brain stops panicking.
Amazing, how cool is that?
Why do you think this works?
Well, I'll tell you.
(13:41):
Once we begin an action, ourbrain shifts from fear mode to
task mode and it stops obsessingover worst case scenarios and
actually focuses on the nextstep.
So the next time your teen isavoiding something, whether it's
starting homework or making aphone call or walking into a
room, say just try it for 10seconds, that's it, just 10
(14:05):
seconds.
No pressure to finish, nocommitment to doing the whole
thing, just 10 seconds.
So, for example, if your teenrefuses to start their homework,
you could say look, I don'tneed you to do the whole thing,
just open the book and read thefirst question for 10 seconds.
Once they start, the brainstops resisting and in most
(14:27):
cases, they keep going.
I'm not going to guarantee it'sin 100% of cases we know
teenagers but in most cases theykeep going past that 10 second
mark.
Okay, my second research backedstrategy is reframe failure as
data collection.
Now, what do I mean by that?
Most teens avoid challengesbecause they're afraid of
(14:50):
failing.
But here's the game changer.
What if we removed failure fromthe equation all together?
Instead of asking did yousucceed or fail, start asking
what did you learn?
What's one thing you dodifferently next time.
Now, why does this work?
Well, because by treatingfailure as data collection
(15:11):
instead of just a personalityidentity, we strip away the
shame that keeps our childrenand our teens stuck in avoidance
.
When they no longer seemistakes as proof they're not
good enough, but as feedbackthat helps them grow, they stop
being afraid to try.
So, for example, let's say yourteen stumbles through a speech
(15:31):
in class and is embarrassed,instead of saying it's okay,
you'll do better next time.
You could try this.
Okay, what's one thing youlearned from that and what would
you tweak next time?
Now, instead of avoidance,their brain shifts into that
problem-solving mode that wewant them to get into.
I'll give you a real-world casestudy to back this up.
(15:53):
So, in a study on a growthmindset by Dr Carol Dweck,
students who were taught to seefailure as feedback showed
higher motivation.
They showed better performanceand a greater willingness to try
to take risks.
So the takeaway in all of thisfailure isn't the enemy, fear of
failure is, and when we reframefailure, we take away its power
(16:18):
.
Now my third strategy is toreward brave attempts, not just
success.
Now, what I mean by this ismost parents say these things
that I'm about to say withoutrealizing it.
They say and I'm guilty of thistoo.
We all do it.
Great job winning the debate.
Or I'm so proud of you foracing that test.
(16:41):
Now, these kinds of commentsseem harmless right, but here's
the issue with them.
When we only praise success,our kids start believing that
their worth is tied to theoutcome.
And what happens when they'renot sure that they can succeed?
They avoid it because to themthe risk of failure feels too
high.
So there's a fix to this, andit's to praise the effort, not
(17:04):
just the outcome.
Instead of saying great jobwinning the debate, you could
say saw you push yourself today.
That took guts.
You could say before you pushedyourself today, that took guts.
Or instead of saying I'm soproud of your A on the test, you
could say I love how hard youstudied for this.
That kind of effort will takeyou so far.
Now why does this work?
(17:26):
Well, it shifts our kids' focusfrom perfection to progress.
It teaches them that effort iswhat builds success, not natural
talent.
And it builds intrinsicmotivation, meaning that our
kids will take on challenges forthemselves, not just for
external validation.
And here's my bonus tip for youAt the dinner table tonight,
(17:47):
you could try asking what's onething you did today that was
outside of your comfort zone.
I love this.
I do this all the time at homewith my kids, and we really
celebrate that, because that'show confidence is built.
And if there's one thing I wantyou to take away from today,
it's this.
Confidence isn't something thatteens are born with.
It's something they build.
And how do they build it?
(18:08):
By doing hard things, even whenthey don't feel ready.
Every time they take action,they are literally rewiring your
brain for courage.
So the next time your teenhesitates, remind them.
Avoidance shrinks confidence,but action, any action makes it
grow.
You've got this, and so do they.
(18:29):
And here's what's trulyincredible the brain can rewire
itself at any time.
Every time your teen takes on achallenge, even a small one,
they're physically reshapingtheir brain with courage.
That's not just feel-goodadvice, that's science,
neuroplasticity, research,neuropathicity I can't say it
(18:51):
today.
Neuropathicity research showsthat the more we engage in a
behavior, the stronger thoseneural pathways become.
When teens repeatedly step intodiscomfort, when they raise
their hand at school or theyspeak up or they push through a
tough moment, their brainstrengthens the circuits
responsible for bravery.
And the best, best part, itworks both ways.
(19:13):
Avoidance shrinks confidence,but action any action makes it
grow.
So the next time your teenhesitates, remind them you don't
have to feel ready, you justhave to start, because
confidence doesn't come fromwaiting, it comes from doing All
right.
Well, that's it for today.
If this episode really spoke toyou, my friend, send it to
(19:35):
another parent who needs to hearit.
Let's help more teens step outof there and into their full
potential.
And hey, if you haven't alreadyhit that subscribe button,
because every week we're divinginto more science-backed,
real-world strategies to helpyour teen challenge their mind
so they can change their world.
Until next time, my friend,keep pushing boundaries, keep
(19:57):
believing in growth and keeptaking action, because the best
way to build confidence isn't towait for it, it's to create it.
Bye for now.
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