May 4, 2025 • 38 mins
Have you ever wondered if your teenager's moodiness is just "normal teen behavior" or something deeper?
This eye-opening episode reveals the startling truth: today's teenagers report higher stress levels than adults, even without adult responsibilities like mortgages or full-time jobs.
Francesca Hudson dives into the invisible pressures weighing on our teens, from the "always-on brain drain" of social media creating cognitive fatigue patterns similar to workplace burnout, to the performance culture that extends beyond academics into their digital lives.
You'll discover how social exclusion online activates the same brain regions as physical pain, and why so many teens suffer from eco-anxiety about inheriting what they perceive as a broken world.
Whether you're concerned about your teen's wellbeing or simply want to strengthen your connection during these formative years, this episode provides the insight and practical tools to support your teenager through one of life's most biologically demanding phases.
For further resources see:
The Teen Shutdown Decoder (free resource)
Links mentioned in this episode:
1️⃣ American Psychological Association – Stress in America Report (2023)
👉 https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress
2️⃣ Oxford Internet Institute Study on Social Media & Cognitive Fatigue (2022)
👉 https://www.oii.ox.ac.uk/research/projects/social-media-mental-health/
3️⃣ The Lancet – Climate Anxiety in Young People Survey (2021)
👉 Full study here:
https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(21)02146-3/fulltext
4️⃣ Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child – The Power of One Caring Adult
👉 https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/inbrief-the-impact-of-early-adversity-on-childrens-development/
5️⃣ Stanford University – Chronic Stress and Brain Shrinkage (2022)
👉 https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2020/10/how-stress-affects-the-brain.html
6️⃣ University of Michigan’s Adolescent Health Lab – Internalizing vs. Externalizing Behavior
👉 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/child-development-central/201811/understanding-internalizing-and-externalizing-behavior
7️⃣ CDC – Sleep and Teen Mental Health Report
👉 https://www.cdc.gov/healthyyouth/health_and_academics/pdf/sleep-factsheet.pdf
8️⃣ Dan Siegel – “Name It to Tame It” Concept
👉 https://www.drdansiegel.com/blog/2012/02/23/name_it_to_tame_it/
If you enjoyed today's episode, please take the time to rate our podcast. Your rating means the world to us and it allows us to continue to share and grow our message of support to other fabulous humans out there!
For more free resources, check out my guide to the 5 secret habits of teens who succeed. Jam packed with advice, tips and strategies. Yours free!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey there, welcome back to Challenge your Mind,
change the World.
I'm your host, francesca Hudson, and today we are going to be
looking at something that Ithink every parent of a teenager
wrestles with at some point,whether they say it out loud or
just feel it quietly in the pitof their stomach.
We're talking about thosemoments when your teen seems
(00:24):
different.
About those moments when yourteen seems different.
Or maybe they've lostmotivation seemingly overnight,
or maybe they're moody or moreirritable than usual or shutting
themselves away in their roomfor hours, or maybe they're
showing signs of burnout,pushing themselves really hard
but spiraling into eitherexhaustion or anxiety.
And if you've caught yourselfwondering is this just typical
(00:47):
teenager behavior or is theresomething deeper going on here,
then you are absolutely notalone.
I'm calling today's episode whyyour teen might be struggling
more than you think and how tohelp, and I want to really be up
upfront here.
This is not going to be one ofthose conversations that blames
everything on teen hormones ormakes sweeping statements like
(01:12):
it's just a phase.
They'll grow out of it.
You've probably heard all ofthat before and, frankly, it's
not enough, because the truth isthere's so much more going on
beneath the surface of what wesee.
In fact, what if I told youthat your teenager's struggles
might be linked to invisiblestresses and brain processes
(01:33):
that we, as parents, were neverreally taught about?
And what if understanding thoselayers could totally shift the
way that you respond andactually bring more calm,
clarity and connection into yourhome?
Today, we're going to bepeeling back those layers.
We're going to be unpacking thelatest research from
(01:54):
neuroscience, psychology andglobal studies that explains why
this generation of teens isfacing pressures like unlike any
before.
I've got some fascinating dataand some science-backed insights
that aren't the kind of thingyou'll find in a quick google
search.
Plus, of course, practical,doable strategies to help you
(02:15):
feel confident supporting yourteenager through whatever
they're facing right now.
So if you're ready for aconversation that's real, a
little bit challenging and, mostof all, empowering, you are in
exactly the right place.
Let's get into it.
First up, I want to kick thingsoff with a bit of a truth bomb,
and it's one that might surpriseyou.
According to the AmericanPsychological Association's 2023
(02:39):
Stress in America report,teenagers today are reporting
higher average stress levelsthan adults Yep, higher than
adults.
Let that sink in for a second,because, even though your teen
might not be paying the mortgageor working a full-time job or
juggling family responsibilities.
They are shouldering a type ofpressure that's unique to their
(03:03):
generation, pressures that we,as adults, often don't see or
fully understand.
It's so important to note this,and here's the kicker A lot of
their biggest stresses areinvisible.
They don't always show up aswhat we think of, as big
problems.
Instead, they sneak into dailylife and chip away at your
(03:24):
teenager's sense of stabilityand self-worth.
Let's unpack a few of thesehidden stressors for you so you
can see what I mean.
And the first one is thealways-on brain drain of social
media.
And yes, social media is a hottopic right now, but let's look
at it from a different angle.
Let's look at it from thisinvisible stressor.
Now, we all know social mediacan be overwhelming, but the
(03:47):
science is even more startlingthan you might think.
A 2022 Oxford study found thatthe constant pinging of
notifications, group chats andscrolling is leading to
cognitive fatigue patterns inteens.
That looks strikingly similarto adult workplace burnout.
That's huge.
In other words, your15-year-old might be sitting in
(04:09):
their bedroom, but their brainis operating in the red zone,
just like a 40-year-old working70-hour weeks.
That is frightening, and thisisn't just about time spent
online.
It's about the never-endinganticipation of social
interaction.
You see, teenagers today aren'tjust checking in with friends
during school or after class.
Their social life is a 24-7loop of group chats, snap
(04:33):
streaks and pressure to stayconstantly available.
And brain scans show that thishypervigilance is literally
rewiring their stress responsesystems.
And yes, the endlessmultitasking, switching between
homework, tiktoks and texts hasbeen linked with reduced working
(04:54):
memory and attention span.
Media even when they want tofocus, their brains are
conditioned for interruption.
This is something that I am soconsciously aware of in our
house that I actually have DoNot Disturb on our devices, and
I consciously decide when andwhere I will answer texts or
(05:16):
answer phone calls, even infront of my kids.
I do not want them to see thatI am permanently available for
the outside world, because it'sabout setting boundaries.
And I think that, as parents,this is where the modeling
starts, and I feel like if wecan model that to our children,
then hopefully we are beginningto instill some of these defense
(05:40):
mechanisms when they areencountered with this, always on
brain drain of social media.
Now the second one isperformance pressure.
This is another hidden stressor, and it's both academic and
social.
So here's something that manyparents don't realize the
pressure to perform isn'tlimited to test scores or sports
(06:03):
anymore.
The rise of TikTok andInstagram and other highly
visual platforms has createdwhat psychologists call the
compare and despair effect, andit's not just about wanting good
grades now.
It's about looking lawless,having the right friends,
showing off the best vacationsand broadcasting every whiff.
And here is the brutal partwith all of this the highlight
(06:27):
reels that your teen is watchingare algorithmically designed to
make them feel like they'realways falling short.
It's horrible.
Research by the Pew ResearchCenter found that 61% of
teenagers feel pressure to lookgood online, and that pressure
is even more intense for girls,unfortunately.
So social scientists arestarting to call this the rise
(06:49):
of achievement culture, which isa toxic mix of perfectionism
and self-surveillance thatdrives anxiety and even
depression.
And it's not just about whatteens post.
It's also the fear of missingout or FOMO for short, which
we've all heard of when theydon't post and aren't included
in what others are sharing.
And studies are showing thatthe social exclusion online
(07:11):
activates the same brain regionsas physical pain yes, literal,
physical pain.
That's really, really sad, andthis is all sounding really
intense, I know, but I thinkthat if we can draw to light
some of these hidden stressesand actually address them head
on, then that's when we canreally start to help and support
our teenagers moving forward.
(07:31):
So the third one is and I've gothow many have I got?
I've got three in total.
So the last one I'm going to goheavy on is eco-anxiety and
global instability.
Whoa, big words.
Now, this one is huge and it'soften overlooked.
And I'll tell Whoa, big words.
Now, this one is huge and it'soften overlooked.
And I'll tell you what it is.
So a landmark 2021 Lancet studysurveyed 10,000 young people
(07:52):
across 10 countries and foundthat 59% of teens said that they
were extremely worried aboutclimate change.
But here's where it gets evenmore sobering 45% said these
worries negatively affect theirdaily functioning.
So we're talking about feelingsof hopelessness, of guilt and
even anger about inheriting whatthey perceive as a broken world
(08:15):
.
So in psychology, we nowrecognize eco-anxiety as a real,
measurable form of chronicstress.
Yep, about the environment.
It's a real, measurable form ofchronic stress, and teenagers
are at the forefront of it.
They're absorbing the globalnews at a pace we never did as
adults and, unlike previousgenerations, they're coming of
(08:36):
age in a time of realexistential threats, from
pandemics to economicuncertainty to climate disaster.
So this isn't just a backgroundworry for them.
It's shaping their mentalhealth and it's shaping their
sense of purpose and theirability to imagine a hopeful
future.
But let's zoom in on somethingfascinating that you might not
(08:57):
know.
So neuroscientists havediscovered that the teenage
brain is uniquely wired forsocial belonging.
In fact, brain imaging showsthat the ventral stratum, which
is the reward center of thebrain, is more active during
moments of peer approval inadolescence than at any other
stage of life.
Incredible, can you believethat Peer approval as a teenager
(09:19):
is stimulating the rewardcenter in your brain to a
greater extent than goingshopping in Chanel than adult?
So what does this mean?
It means that belongingliterally feels like survival to
your team.
In fact, that reminds me when Iwas teaching in Sydney many
years ago.
The HSC had a section in theexam where they do a theme every
(09:44):
year, and that particular themewas belonging, and so we taught
books and texts that focusedaround this key theme of
belonging, and I think this tiesin really well with that.
Shame I didn't have thisinformation to hand 10 years ago
when I was teaching the HSC,but anyway, belonging literally
feels like survival to your team.
So their brain is telling themyou must be accepted to stay
(10:07):
safe.
So when your teen gets left outof a group chat or receives a
snarky comment on snapchat orsees their friends hanging out
with them, it's not just hurtfeelings.
Their brain experiences this asa kind of biological distress.
Think of it like a social painsignal that's incredibly hard to
shake.
And here's what's wild about itResearch is showing us that
(10:32):
social exclusion during theseyears can have long-term impacts
on emotional health, shapingself-esteem, risk-taking
behavior and even academicperformance.
So if you've ever wondered whyyour teenager seems so shaken by
what feels to you like a smallsocial hiccup, this is why their
brain is designed to carereally deeply.
(10:54):
Now this all sounds a littleheavy, but here's the thing.
Understanding these hiddenstresses is the first step
towards helping your teenagernavigate them with more
confidence and resilience.
And up next, we're going tounpack what's actually happening
in their brains when all thestress hits and why their
reactions might seem so intenseor confusing from the outside.
(11:15):
Stick with me on this, okay.
So now that we've unpacked theexternal stresses that your
teenager is facing, let's zoomin on what's happening inside,
because understanding yourteen's brain development is the
key to unlocking why they mightbe struggling more than you
realize.
Now, you've probably heard thatbefore, that the teenage brain
is under construction, but whatexactly does that mean?
(11:37):
Well, here's the fascinatingpart by around age 14, your
teen's emotional and rewardcenters specifically the
amygdala, which is the brain'semotional watchdog, we'll call
it, and the ventral stratum,which is the reward hub, which
we just talked about, are prettymuch fully online and highly
responsive.
Now, these areas areresponsible for things like mood
(11:58):
swings, risk-taking,thrill-seeking and really
intense emotional reactions.
But and this is a big but theprefrontal cortex, which is the
rational decision-making part ofthe brain that helps with
things like planning andself-control and long-term
thinking, that part is nowherenear done yet.
In fact, brain imaging studiesshow that it doesn't fully
(12:22):
mature until around the age of25.
And this leads to whatneuroscientists call the
mismatch model.
Think of it like a car with asupercharged engine, which is
their emotions, but really weakbrakes, which is the impulse
control.
So while teenagers are feelingeverything so intensely, whether
it's excitement or fear, orrejection or sadness, they don't
(12:44):
yet have the full neurologicaltoolkit to really regulate those
feelings or put them intolong-term perspective, and this
is why your teenager can go fromzero to a hundred emotionally
in what feels like a flash.
And it's also why that dramaover a failed maths test or an
argument with friends feels tothem like the end of the world,
(13:04):
because in their brain it almostis.
Now here's where things getreally interesting, and this is
something I think every parentneeds to hear.
A 2022 study out of Stanfordmade a real groundbreaking
discovery Chronic stress,whether it's from school or
social dynamics, family tensionor even unrelenting
(13:25):
self-pressure, actually changesthe physical structure of the
teen's brain.
That's huge.
Specifically sustained stresscan cause shrinkage in the
prefrontal cortex over time.
Yep, you heard that right.
It can literally reduce thevolume of the part of the brain
responsible for self-regulation,focus and emotional balance,
(13:48):
and this is what psychologistsrefer to as a negative feedback
loop.
So imagine it like this yourteen faces a stressful situation
, say a friend betrayal or acrushing school deadline, their
amygdala kicks into high gear,so cue anxiety and overwhelm,
and maybe tears or anger, buttheir prefrontal cortex, the
(14:10):
wise manager, is stillunderdeveloped and potentially
being weakened by ongoing stress.
So the result of all of this?
Your team struggles to copeeffectively, which creates more
feelings of failure orfrustration, leading to more
stress.
It's a loop, it's a negativefeedback loop that goes on and
on and on, round and round,stuck in a cycle that can feel
(14:33):
impossible to break, and thismight explain why, no matter how
supportive and encouraging youare, your team can sometimes
seem stuck, circling the samestruggles, despite your best
efforts to help them moveforward.
Yes, and one thing I want toemphasize here is that these
brain dynamics aren't justreserved for the big moments,
(14:53):
like breakups or major academicpressure.
The same biological processesare at play in everyday
frustrations too.
Even something that might seemsmall to you, like a teacher's
sharp comment or losing a streakon snapchat, can trigger these
heightened emotional responses,because the brain's sensitivity
is tuned way up.
(15:14):
And here's a surprising fact Ameta-analysis from the Journal
of Adolescent Health found thatteens actually experience
stronger physiological stressresponses than adults do when
exposed to the same stresses.
Their cortisol levels spikehigher and it takes them longer
to come back down to thebaseline, and this means that
(15:35):
even when a situation blows overquickly, your teen's body might
still be lingering in a stateof heightened tension, and that
can silently shape their moods,their focus and even physical
health in the hours or days thatfollow.
But it's important to note thisis not a character flaw in your
teenager.
It's biology, and this is themoment that I really want to
(15:56):
underline.
Your teens struggle to handleemotions or to make wise
decisions under pressure or tobreak out of a stress cycle.
It's not a flaw in theircharacter.
It's not because they're lazyor overly dramatic or just don't
care.
It's biology.
It's the natural, expectedoutcome of a brain that is still
developing under pressure.
(16:16):
And the more that we as parentscan internalize that truth, the
more we can meet our teens withempathy, patience and,
critically, the right kinds ofsupport.
Now, what do I mean by that?
Well, in the next segment we'regoing to talk about how to spot
the signs that your teen mightbe silently struggling and why
(16:37):
some of the biggest red flagsare the ones that are the
easiest to miss.
But before we do, I want togive you a quick reflection to
sit with.
I want you to think back to thelast time your teenager had
what seemed like an overreactionto something, whether it was a
tough grade, a fight with afriend or even a small household
rule that triggered a reallybig response to them.
(16:58):
What was your immediate gutreaction in that moment?
Did you see it as defiance ordrama, or did you pause to
consider what might have beengoing on under the surface in
their brain and body?
To consider what might havebeen going on under the surface
in their brain and body?
Now, this isn't about judgingourselves, my friend, don't
(17:18):
worry.
It's about starting to noticepatterns and understanding just
how much biology is at playbeneath the behaviours we see.
All right, let's dive intothose signs that your teen might
be struggling silently, even ifeverything looks okay on the
outside.
Here's something I think everyparent needs to hear loud and
clear Not all struggles looklike a meltdown.
In fact, a lot of the biggestsigns that your teenager is
(17:40):
hurting don't come with slammeddoors, raised voices or epic
crying sessions.
Sometimes the most seriousstruggles are the quietest and
they're the ones that slip underthe radar because they don't
fit the typical picture we haveof teen angst.
Researchers from the Universityof Michigan's Adolescence
Health Lab have been studyingthis for years and their
(18:02):
findings are crystal clearInternalizing struggles, things
like withdrawal, overthinking,perfectionism and quiet sadness
are often missed ormisrepresented by parents.
Why?
Because we tend to associatedistress with externalizing
behavior.
You know the drama, rebellionor acting out.
But here's the truth.
Many teens, especially girlsand high achieving kids, turn
(18:26):
their stress and anxiety inwardand, instead of breaking the
rules, they bury their feelings,sometimes so deeply that even
they don't realize he'sstruggling Now.
So let's talk about some of themost overlooked signs you should
be watching for, and I have gotfive of them.
So the first one is a suddendip in motivation or grades,
(18:49):
even if they're still trying Now.
This one is subtle inmotivation or grades, even if
they're still trying Now.
This one is subtle, but it'stelling.
Maybe your teen used to belaser focused on these studies,
but now seems scattered or leastdriven, even though they're
putting in the effort.
It's easy to assume thatthey're just getting lazy or
distracted, but often what'sreally going on is that chronic
stress or emotional overload ismaking it harder for their brain
(19:10):
to function at its best.
Here's the neuroscience whenthe brain is flooded with
cortisol, which is a stresshormone, working memory and
executive function, which areboth crucial for learning, take
a hit.
That means that your team cansit at their desk for hours and
still struggle to retaininformation or perform like they
used to.
So we need to be looking forthat as parents and as educators
(19:35):
.
We need to be looking for thesudden dip in motivation or in
their grades.
What's going on there Now?
The second one is increasedfatigue or oversleeping.
We often think of teenagers asnaturally tired because of the
late nights or early morning andall that growing, but there's a
difference between typicalsleepiness and something deeper.
(19:58):
If your teen is sleeping waymore than usual, like taking
really long naps or sayingthey're exhausted all the time,
that can be a red flag.
In fact, according to theFoundation, excessive sleep and
fatigue are often overlookedmarkers of depression and
chronic stress in adolescents.
Their bodies might be usingsleep as a coping mechanism, a
(20:20):
way to escape from overwhelmingemotions or pressures, and so
it's a really good one to justkeep an eye on at home.
The third one is avoidance offriends or social activities
that they once loved.
This is a big one Socialwithdrawal.
It's pulling back from friends,it's skipping out on hobbies,
turning down invitations.
This can be one of the earliestand clearest signs that
(20:44):
something's not right, and yetit often gets chalked up to
typical teen moodiness or apassing phase.
But here's the insight typicalteen moodiness or a passing
phase.
But here's the insight peerconnection is biologically
critical during adolescence.
So when a teen suddenly losesinterest in their social world,
it's usually a sign of deeperemotional struggles like anxiety
(21:04):
, depression or feelings ofinadequacy.
The fourth one is overcommitmentto school or hobbies as a mask
for anxiety.
So we've kind of gone theopposite way now.
So this one really mightsurprise you, and we usually
celebrate hard work anddedication.
But sometimes overcommitmentcan actually be a mask for
(21:25):
anxiety.
So think about it this way aperfectionist teen, for example,
might throw themselvesheadfirst into everything extra
credit, projects after schoolclaps, volunteer work not
because they're passionate, butbecause they're trying
desperately to maintain a senseof control or worth.
And psychologists call thisanxious, over-functioning.
(21:47):
And while it looks like successon outside, it can quietly wear
a teen down to the point ofemotional exhaustion.
It's so important just to checkin with those exhaustion levels
and to make sure that ourteenagers aren't burning out,
because perfectionism in teensis risky territory.
(22:08):
Now the fifth sign is smallsigns of self-criticism.
So listen carefully to yourteen's offhand remarks, little
comments like I'm terrible ateverything or I'll never be good
enough, because they might seemlike typical teenage
frustration to you, but ifthey're cropping up regularly or
they're carrying a sharp edgeof hopelessness, that's worth
(22:29):
paying close attention to.
Research tells us thatself-critical thinking patterns
are one of the strongestpredictors of anxiety and
depression in adolescents.
This is a heavy one, and whilesome teens are open about their
feelings, others might only giveyou small passing glimpses into
the way that they're talking tothemselves.
They're talking to themselves.
(22:55):
So, as parents, really this isa red flag.
We have to be so careful not toignore the quiet, offhand
remarks, the little comments,because they are giving us a
window into something that'spotentially quite big.
And I'll give you one more sign.
I've got a bonus one for you.
I've actually got six.
I remembered one Physicalsymptoms, and this one really
flies under the radar becausestudies show that teens,
(23:16):
especially younger adolescents,often somaticize their stress.
That means that their emotionaldistress shows up as physical
pain like headaches, stomachaches, nausea, muscle tension,
even things like unexplainedskin breakouts or dizziness.
So if your teen is making wartrips to the nurse's office or
(23:38):
they're frequently complainingof physical ailments that don't
seem tied to any obvious cause,it's worth considering whether
stress or anxiety could beplaying a role, and a study in
the Journal of PediatricPsychology found that up to 30%
of recurring physical complaintsin teens are linked to
underlying psychologicalstresses.
(23:59):
This is your body's way ofwaving a big red flag when the
brain can't quite process what'sgoing on emotionally.
Our bodies are so clever, theway that our subconscious works
is so clever, and so stress andanxiety can show up as physical
symptoms in teens.
Now the tricky thing with allof this these signs often don't
(24:20):
look like a crisis that we justtalked about, these six hidden
signs.
In fact, they can seem soordinary, so woven into the
fabric of teen life, that it'seasy to dismiss them as just
being a teenager.
Right, but here's the truth Iwant you to hold on to.
Any significant change in yourteen's mood, behavior or habits
is worth paying attention to,especially if it lasts more than
(24:43):
two weeks.
You know your child best andyour intuition as a parent is
powerful.
You are the light in their darkworld.
You are the superstar who knows.
So up next, we are going toshift gears and talk about how
to help.
We've talked about all theheavy stuff.
Now let's look at how to help,the science-backed tools that
(25:04):
can actually support your teen'semotional health in a way that
feels really doable for you andempowering for them.
All right, let's get practical,because I know many of you
listening are thinking okay,francesca, this is all
fascinating, but what can Iactually do day to day to make
things better for my teen?
Right got you.
So first, some reallyencouraging news Parents are
(25:25):
still the number one influenceon their teen's well-being.
Yes, that hasn't changed.
Social media might come and go,but you are still the number
one influence.
Amazing and I know it doesn'talways feel that way when your
teen is holed up in their roomor gives you one word answers,
it can seem like they'reshutting you out or that their
friends matter more.
But recent shot of HarvardCenter on the developing child
(25:47):
tells us something powerful Evenjust one stable, engaged adult
relationship, whether that's aparent or a grandparent or a
coach or a mentor, candramatically buffer the impact
of stress.
In fact, that connection isoften the difference between a
teen who struggles and sinks anda teen who struggles but
recovers.
So please know, even when itlooks like they aren't listening
(26:09):
, they are.
You matter more than you think,and I've got some
evidence-based, science-backedways that you can truly help
your teen right now.
I've got another five.
So the first one is to validate,don't minimize.
Now, this one might seem simple, but it's huge.
Neuroscience shows us that whenwe dismiss or downplay a teen's
stress, saying things like, oh,it's not that big a deal or
(26:33):
you'll be fine, don't overthinkit, we actually activate their
amygdala, the brain's emotionalalarm system.
So instead of calming down,your teen's distress gets
amplified.
What works better instead?
Reflective listening.
Now, this means really tuningin, acknowledging your teen's
feelings and saying things likethat sounds really tough, or I
(26:56):
can see why you'd be upset aboutthat, even if you don't fully
get the situation, or ifsecretly, you're thinking this
seems like a minor thing, remindyourself that to your teen it
feels big and meeting them therecreates trust and safety.
So a quick example instead ofsaying it's just a maths test,
it's no big deal, try, you putso much effort into studying.
(27:20):
I can tell you're disappointedand that's completely valid.
Okay, so that's reflectivelistening.
The second way is to teach nameit, tame it.
Oh, now, what is this?
This is one of my favoritetools and it's beautifully
simple.
Dr Dan Seagal coined the phrasename it to tame it, and it's
rooted in neuroscience.
(27:40):
When your teen can accuratelylabel their emotions, whether
that's anger, shame, anxiety orsadness.
Their brain starts shifting,processing, from the amygdala,
which is their emotion center,to the prefrontdala, which is
their emotion center, to theprefrontal cortex, which is the
logic center, and that simpleshift actually calms their
system down.
So how do we encourage that?
(28:01):
Well, by helping teens buildemotional vocabulary.
You might say it seems likeyou're really frustrated.
Would you say that's the mainthing, or is there also some
embarrassment in there?
Or you could say this You'vementioned feeling tired a lot.
Do you think that's physicaltiredness or more of an
emotional tiredness?
And model it yourself too?
(28:23):
And you can model this yourselfas well.
You could say something likehonestly, I've been feeling
overwhelmed and a bit irritabletoday.
I think I need a reset thatshows them that it's normal and
healthy to name feelings outloud.
I think one of the best moviesout is Inside Out, the Inside
Out movies one and two, becausethe way that they teach young
(28:43):
people and I'm dealing withchildren and preteens about how
to explain and label theirfeelings is incredible.
My child in class the other daytold his teacher that singing
gives him anxiety and theteacher came and told me this
because she was quite takenaback because none of the class
(29:04):
had really described singingpractice in that way and I I
said well, his favorite movie isInside Out, he loves it and I
think that's great.
So the more ways we canintroduce building this
emotional vocabulary for ourchildren and for our teens is
only going to help them beingable to start calming their
(29:26):
system down.
The third one is set micro goals.
So you know, those days whenyour teen seems completely stuck
, like even the smallest taskfeels impossible, that's often a
sign that they're overwhelmedand they're frozen in a stress
loop.
Here's where the science ofsmall wins comes in.
A 2021 meta-analysis in theJournal of Youth Studies found
that when teens achieve tiny,manageable goals, their brain
(29:48):
gets a boost of dopamine, thereward chemical which helps
build momentum and a sense ofmastery.
So the trick is to break thingsdown way smaller than you think
.
If the goal is to clean theirroom, maybe the micro goal is
just put three pieces ofclothing in the hamper.
The goal is to start studying,maybe it's open the laptop and
read the first paragraph.
Those tiny wins buildconfidence and signal to their
(30:12):
brain hey, I'm not stuck, I cando this.
I've got a fabulous resourcecalled the Teen Academic Success
Blueprint.
In fact, I'll link it in theshow notes.
And that is all about microwins.
It's all about preparing yourteen and getting them used to
studying in class and being ableto process academic pieces of
(30:33):
information, and I've got awhole section there.
It's a bonus section.
It's called the Parent SupportToolkit, with cheat sheets, what
to say and what not to sayduring the study session,
conversation starters orboosting their confidence at
home, that kind of thing andit's such a useful tool to have
(30:53):
in your parenting back pocket.
And it's also a really goodtool for your teen to be able to
start to break down theirschoolwork into these micro wins
.
So I'll link that in the shownotes.
The fourth way is to prioritizesleep.
Seriously, I can't say thisenough.
Sleep is the unsung hero ofteen mental health.
A huge study by the CDC foundthat teens who got less than
(31:16):
seven hours sleep a night are2.5 times more two and a half
times more likely to experiencesymptoms of depression.
And yet, with busy schedulesand late night scrolling and
homework demands, sleep oftenslides way down the priority
list.
Setting firm but compassionateboundaries around bedtime and
screen time is one of the mostimpactful things that we can do
(31:38):
as parents and a few simple tipsto do this.
We can make devices sleep inanother room.
We can tell our kids iPads aresleeping in the lounge while
they're going to bed.
You know, we can stick toconsistent wake up and bedtime
routines and, yes, even on theweekends, when possible, too.
We can educate our teens on whyit matters.
(32:00):
We can say things like yourbrain is still growing.
You know, sleep is literallywhere when your brain processes
everything and resets itself.
So it's not about rules.
It's about giving your bodywhat it needs.
Now, this might not be popularin the moment, but long term,
total game changer.
And the fifth strategy is tomodel imperfection.
(32:22):
This one is so powerful and itoften gets overlooked.
Your teen is watchingeverything you do, and that
includes how you handle stress,setbacks and mistakes.
One of the best ways to helpthem build resilience is to show
them that it's okay to struggleand to recover.
That's the key to struggle andthen recover.
So, instead of always appearinglike you've got it all together
(32:43):
, be honest in anage-appropriate way, of course
about your own challenges.
You could say things like I wasreally anxious about that work
presentation today and I noticedI was being hard on myself
afterwards, so I took a walk toclear my head and reminded
myself that it's okay not to beperfect.
Can you see how you've modelledthat to your child?
(33:03):
You've stripped the struggleand then the recovery.
Or another example I felt sofrustrated earlier when things
weren't going my way.
I gave myself a minute to cooloff and then tackled it in
chunks Once again the struggleand then the recover.
And this helps your teaminternalize that resilience
isn't about being bulletproof.
It's about adapting, bouncingback and taking care of yourself
(33:27):
along the way.
I want to wrap up this sectionwith a reminder no matter how
complex the science, one thingis beautifully simple your
consistent, caring presencematters most.
Your teen doesn't need aperfect parent or all the right
answers.
They need someone who shows up,keeps trying and says over and
(33:47):
over again I'm here.
We'll figure this out together.
In our final segment, I'llshare a few closing thoughts In
a quote.
I think every parent of teensshould have tucked into their
back pocket for tough days, andif you're thinking I love these
strategies but I'd really love aroad back to help me put them
into action, I've got youcovered.
So, as I mentioned earlier.
The Teen Academic SuccessBlueprint is a practical,
(34:10):
step-by-step guide that helpsyour teen build smart study
habits, reduce their overwhelmand set up their own personal
system for success, whetherthey're struggling right now or
just need a confidence boost tohit their next goal.
And for you, the parent, I'vecreated the Parent Homework Help
Survival Kit.
It's designed to help yousupport your teen without
(34:31):
turning every homework sessioninto a battle.
You get printables, checklistsand my best
how-to-help-without-hoveringhacks, designed to help you
support your teen withoutturning every homework session
into a battle.
You get printables, checklistsand my best how to help without
hovering hacks that make a realdifference in your teen's
learning.
So both of these tools arebuilt to make your life easier
and your teen's journey smoother, and you can check them out via
the links in the show notes.
If there's one thing I hope youtake away from today's episode,
(34:53):
it's this your teen's strugglesaren't a sign of weakness.
They're not a sign of failure.
They are a reflection of thefact that your teen is
navigating one of the mostcomplex, intense and
biologically demanding periodsof life.
And you, my friend, you havefar more power than you might
think to guide them through it,not by having all the answers,
(35:13):
but by being that steady,compassionate presence that they
can lean on time and time again.
Remember, what feels likeresistance or drama is often
just a young person saying I'moverwhelmed, I'm figuring this
out, I need help, but I don'talways know how to ask for it.
I want to leave you with a quotethat I think every parent
should tuck into their backpocket for the hard days.
(35:33):
It's from Lisa D'Amour, thepsychologist and author of
Untangled, and she also happenedto be a consultant on the
Inside Out movies that Imentioned previously.
She's amazing.
I really love her work, and shewrites adolescence isn't a
problem to be solved, it's anexperience to be supported.
Isn't that beautiful?
It reminds us that your jobisn't to fix every bump in the
(35:56):
road.
It's to walk beside your teenas they learn, stretch, fall
down and rise up again.
Thank you so much for joining metoday on Challenge your Mind
and Change the World.
If this episode resonated withyou, please do me a quick favor.
Share it with a friend who's inthe back of parenting teens
right now.
Trust me, they'll thank you forit.
And hey, don't forget to hitsubscribe, because next week we
(36:17):
are diving into a big topic thatI know so many of you have
asked me about digitalresilience.
We'll unpack how to help yourteen thrive in a digital world
without losing their sanity oryours.
You're gonna love that one.
Until then, be kind to begentle with your teen and
remember you are both doing yourbest in a wildly complex world.
Bye for now.
Hey there, welcome back to Challenge your Mind,
change the World.
I'm your host, francesca Hudson, and today we are going to be
looking at something that Ithink every parent of a teenager
wrestles with at some point,whether they say it out loud or
just feel it quietly in the pitof their stomach.
We're talking about thosemoments when your teen seems
(00:24):
different.
About those moments when yourteen seems different.
Or maybe they've lostmotivation seemingly overnight,
or maybe they're moody or moreirritable than usual or shutting
themselves away in their roomfor hours, or maybe they're
showing signs of burnout,pushing themselves really hard
but spiraling into eitherexhaustion or anxiety.
And if you've caught yourselfwondering is this just typical
(00:47):
teenager behavior or is theresomething deeper going on here,
then you are absolutely notalone.
I'm calling today's episode whyyour teen might be struggling
more than you think and how tohelp, and I want to really be up
upfront here.
This is not going to be one ofthose conversations that blames
everything on teen hormones ormakes sweeping statements like
(01:12):
it's just a phase.
They'll grow out of it.
You've probably heard all ofthat before and, frankly, it's
not enough, because the truth isthere's so much more going on
beneath the surface of what wesee.
In fact, what if I told youthat your teenager's struggles
might be linked to invisiblestresses and brain processes
(01:33):
that we, as parents, were neverreally taught about?
And what if understanding thoselayers could totally shift the
way that you respond andactually bring more calm,
clarity and connection into yourhome?
Today, we're going to bepeeling back those layers.
We're going to be unpacking thelatest research from
(01:54):
neuroscience, psychology andglobal studies that explains why
this generation of teens isfacing pressures like unlike any
before.
I've got some fascinating dataand some science-backed insights
that aren't the kind of thingyou'll find in a quick google
search.
Plus, of course, practical,doable strategies to help you
(02:15):
feel confident supporting yourteenager through whatever
they're facing right now.
So if you're ready for aconversation that's real, a
little bit challenging and, mostof all, empowering, you are in
exactly the right place.
Let's get into it.
First up, I want to kick thingsoff with a bit of a truth bomb,
and it's one that might surpriseyou.
According to the AmericanPsychological Association's 2023
(02:39):
Stress in America report,teenagers today are reporting
higher average stress levelsthan adults Yep, higher than
adults.
Let that sink in for a second,because, even though your teen
might not be paying the mortgageor working a full-time job or
juggling family responsibilities.
They are shouldering a type ofpressure that's unique to their
(03:03):
generation, pressures that we,as adults, often don't see or
fully understand.
It's so important to note this,and here's the kicker A lot of
their biggest stresses areinvisible.
They don't always show up aswhat we think of, as big
problems.
Instead, they sneak into dailylife and chip away at your
(03:24):
teenager's sense of stabilityand self-worth.
Let's unpack a few of thesehidden stressors for you so you
can see what I mean.
And the first one is thealways-on brain drain of social
media.
And yes, social media is a hottopic right now, but let's look
at it from a different angle.
Let's look at it from thisinvisible stressor.
Now, we all know social mediacan be overwhelming, but the
(03:47):
science is even more startlingthan you might think.
A 2022 Oxford study found thatthe constant pinging of
notifications, group chats andscrolling is leading to
cognitive fatigue patterns inteens.
That looks strikingly similarto adult workplace burnout.
That's huge.
In other words, your15-year-old might be sitting in
(04:09):
their bedroom, but their brainis operating in the red zone,
just like a 40-year-old working70-hour weeks.
That is frightening, and thisisn't just about time spent
online.
It's about the never-endinganticipation of social
interaction.
You see, teenagers today aren'tjust checking in with friends
during school or after class.
Their social life is a 24-7loop of group chats, snap
(04:33):
streaks and pressure to stayconstantly available.
And brain scans show that thishypervigilance is literally
rewiring their stress responsesystems.
And yes, the endlessmultitasking, switching between
homework, tiktoks and texts hasbeen linked with reduced working
(04:54):
memory and attention span.
Media even when they want tofocus, their brains are
conditioned for interruption.
This is something that I am soconsciously aware of in our
house that I actually have DoNot Disturb on our devices, and
I consciously decide when andwhere I will answer texts or
(05:16):
answer phone calls, even infront of my kids.
I do not want them to see thatI am permanently available for
the outside world, because it'sabout setting boundaries.
And I think that, as parents,this is where the modeling
starts, and I feel like if wecan model that to our children,
then hopefully we are beginningto instill some of these defense
(05:40):
mechanisms when they areencountered with this, always on
brain drain of social media.
Now the second one isperformance pressure.
This is another hidden stressor, and it's both academic and
social.
So here's something that manyparents don't realize the
pressure to perform isn'tlimited to test scores or sports
(06:03):
anymore.
The rise of TikTok andInstagram and other highly
visual platforms has createdwhat psychologists call the
compare and despair effect, andit's not just about wanting good
grades now.
It's about looking lawless,having the right friends,
showing off the best vacationsand broadcasting every whiff.
And here is the brutal partwith all of this the highlight
(06:27):
reels that your teen is watchingare algorithmically designed to
make them feel like they'realways falling short.
It's horrible.
Research by the Pew ResearchCenter found that 61% of
teenagers feel pressure to lookgood online, and that pressure
is even more intense for girls,unfortunately.
So social scientists arestarting to call this the rise
(06:49):
of achievement culture, which isa toxic mix of perfectionism
and self-surveillance thatdrives anxiety and even
depression.
And it's not just about whatteens post.
It's also the fear of missingout or FOMO for short, which
we've all heard of when theydon't post and aren't included
in what others are sharing.
And studies are showing thatthe social exclusion online
(07:11):
activates the same brain regionsas physical pain yes, literal,
physical pain.
That's really, really sad, andthis is all sounding really
intense, I know, but I thinkthat if we can draw to light
some of these hidden stressesand actually address them head
on, then that's when we canreally start to help and support
our teenagers moving forward.
(07:31):
So the third one is and I've gothow many have I got?
I've got three in total.
So the last one I'm going to goheavy on is eco-anxiety and
global instability.
Whoa, big words.
Now, this one is huge and it'soften overlooked.
And I'll tell Whoa, big words.
Now, this one is huge and it'soften overlooked.
And I'll tell you what it is.
So a landmark 2021 Lancet studysurveyed 10,000 young people
(07:52):
across 10 countries and foundthat 59% of teens said that they
were extremely worried aboutclimate change.
But here's where it gets evenmore sobering 45% said these
worries negatively affect theirdaily functioning.
So we're talking about feelingsof hopelessness, of guilt and
even anger about inheriting whatthey perceive as a broken world
(08:15):
.
So in psychology, we nowrecognize eco-anxiety as a real,
measurable form of chronicstress.
Yep, about the environment.
It's a real, measurable form ofchronic stress, and teenagers
are at the forefront of it.
They're absorbing the globalnews at a pace we never did as
adults and, unlike previousgenerations, they're coming of
(08:36):
age in a time of realexistential threats, from
pandemics to economicuncertainty to climate disaster.
So this isn't just a backgroundworry for them.
It's shaping their mentalhealth and it's shaping their
sense of purpose and theirability to imagine a hopeful
future.
But let's zoom in on somethingfascinating that you might not
(08:57):
know.
So neuroscientists havediscovered that the teenage
brain is uniquely wired forsocial belonging.
In fact, brain imaging showsthat the ventral stratum, which
is the reward center of thebrain, is more active during
moments of peer approval inadolescence than at any other
stage of life.
Incredible, can you believethat Peer approval as a teenager
(09:19):
is stimulating the rewardcenter in your brain to a
greater extent than goingshopping in Chanel than adult?
So what does this mean?
It means that belongingliterally feels like survival to
your team.
In fact, that reminds me when Iwas teaching in Sydney many
years ago.
The HSC had a section in theexam where they do a theme every
(09:44):
year, and that particular themewas belonging, and so we taught
books and texts that focusedaround this key theme of
belonging, and I think this tiesin really well with that.
Shame I didn't have thisinformation to hand 10 years ago
when I was teaching the HSC,but anyway, belonging literally
feels like survival to your team.
So their brain is telling themyou must be accepted to stay
(10:07):
safe.
So when your teen gets left outof a group chat or receives a
snarky comment on snapchat orsees their friends hanging out
with them, it's not just hurtfeelings.
Their brain experiences this asa kind of biological distress.
Think of it like a social painsignal that's incredibly hard to
shake.
And here's what's wild about itResearch is showing us that
(10:32):
social exclusion during theseyears can have long-term impacts
on emotional health, shapingself-esteem, risk-taking
behavior and even academicperformance.
So if you've ever wondered whyyour teenager seems so shaken by
what feels to you like a smallsocial hiccup, this is why their
brain is designed to carereally deeply.
(10:54):
Now this all sounds a littleheavy, but here's the thing.
Understanding these hiddenstresses is the first step
towards helping your teenagernavigate them with more
confidence and resilience.
And up next, we're going tounpack what's actually happening
in their brains when all thestress hits and why their
reactions might seem so intenseor confusing from the outside.
(11:15):
Stick with me on this, okay.
So now that we've unpacked theexternal stresses that your
teenager is facing, let's zoomin on what's happening inside,
because understanding yourteen's brain development is the
key to unlocking why they mightbe struggling more than you
realize.
Now, you've probably heard thatbefore, that the teenage brain
is under construction, but whatexactly does that mean?
(11:37):
Well, here's the fascinatingpart by around age 14, your
teen's emotional and rewardcenters specifically the
amygdala, which is the brain'semotional watchdog, we'll call
it, and the ventral stratum,which is the reward hub, which
we just talked about, are prettymuch fully online and highly
responsive.
Now, these areas areresponsible for things like mood
(11:58):
swings, risk-taking,thrill-seeking and really
intense emotional reactions.
But and this is a big but theprefrontal cortex, which is the
rational decision-making part ofthe brain that helps with
things like planning andself-control and long-term
thinking, that part is nowherenear done yet.
In fact, brain imaging studiesshow that it doesn't fully
(12:22):
mature until around the age of25.
And this leads to whatneuroscientists call the
mismatch model.
Think of it like a car with asupercharged engine, which is
their emotions, but really weakbrakes, which is the impulse
control.
So while teenagers are feelingeverything so intensely, whether
it's excitement or fear, orrejection or sadness, they don't
(12:44):
yet have the full neurologicaltoolkit to really regulate those
feelings or put them intolong-term perspective, and this
is why your teenager can go fromzero to a hundred emotionally
in what feels like a flash.
And it's also why that dramaover a failed maths test or an
argument with friends feels tothem like the end of the world,
(13:04):
because in their brain it almostis.
Now here's where things getreally interesting, and this is
something I think every parentneeds to hear.
A 2022 study out of Stanfordmade a real groundbreaking
discovery Chronic stress,whether it's from school or
social dynamics, family tensionor even unrelenting
(13:25):
self-pressure, actually changesthe physical structure of the
teen's brain.
That's huge.
Specifically sustained stresscan cause shrinkage in the
prefrontal cortex over time.
Yep, you heard that right.
It can literally reduce thevolume of the part of the brain
responsible for self-regulation,focus and emotional balance,
(13:48):
and this is what psychologistsrefer to as a negative feedback
loop.
So imagine it like this yourteen faces a stressful situation
, say a friend betrayal or acrushing school deadline, their
amygdala kicks into high gear,so cue anxiety and overwhelm,
and maybe tears or anger, buttheir prefrontal cortex, the
(14:10):
wise manager, is stillunderdeveloped and potentially
being weakened by ongoing stress.
So the result of all of this?
Your team struggles to copeeffectively, which creates more
feelings of failure orfrustration, leading to more
stress.
It's a loop, it's a negativefeedback loop that goes on and
on and on, round and round,stuck in a cycle that can feel
(14:33):
impossible to break, and thismight explain why, no matter how
supportive and encouraging youare, your team can sometimes
seem stuck, circling the samestruggles, despite your best
efforts to help them moveforward.
Yes, and one thing I want toemphasize here is that these
brain dynamics aren't justreserved for the big moments,
(14:53):
like breakups or major academicpressure.
The same biological processesare at play in everyday
frustrations too.
Even something that might seemsmall to you, like a teacher's
sharp comment or losing a streakon snapchat, can trigger these
heightened emotional responses,because the brain's sensitivity
is tuned way up.
(15:14):
And here's a surprising fact Ameta-analysis from the Journal
of Adolescent Health found thatteens actually experience
stronger physiological stressresponses than adults do when
exposed to the same stresses.
Their cortisol levels spikehigher and it takes them longer
to come back down to thebaseline, and this means that
(15:35):
even when a situation blows overquickly, your teen's body might
still be lingering in a stateof heightened tension, and that
can silently shape their moods,their focus and even physical
health in the hours or days thatfollow.
But it's important to note thisis not a character flaw in your
teenager.
It's biology, and this is themoment that I really want to
(15:56):
underline.
Your teens struggle to handleemotions or to make wise
decisions under pressure or tobreak out of a stress cycle.
It's not a flaw in theircharacter.
It's not because they're lazyor overly dramatic or just don't
care.
It's biology.
It's the natural, expectedoutcome of a brain that is still
developing under pressure.
(16:16):
And the more that we as parentscan internalize that truth, the
more we can meet our teens withempathy, patience and,
critically, the right kinds ofsupport.
Now, what do I mean by that?
Well, in the next segment we'regoing to talk about how to spot
the signs that your teen mightbe silently struggling and why
(16:37):
some of the biggest red flagsare the ones that are the
easiest to miss.
But before we do, I want togive you a quick reflection to
sit with.
I want you to think back to thelast time your teenager had
what seemed like an overreactionto something, whether it was a
tough grade, a fight with afriend or even a small household
rule that triggered a reallybig response to them.
(16:58):
What was your immediate gutreaction in that moment?
Did you see it as defiance ordrama, or did you pause to
consider what might have beengoing on under the surface in
their brain and body?
To consider what might havebeen going on under the surface
in their brain and body?
Now, this isn't about judgingourselves, my friend, don't
(17:18):
worry.
It's about starting to noticepatterns and understanding just
how much biology is at playbeneath the behaviours we see.
All right, let's dive intothose signs that your teen might
be struggling silently, even ifeverything looks okay on the
outside.
Here's something I think everyparent needs to hear loud and
clear Not all struggles looklike a meltdown.
In fact, a lot of the biggestsigns that your teenager is
(17:40):
hurting don't come with slammeddoors, raised voices or epic
crying sessions.
Sometimes the most seriousstruggles are the quietest and
they're the ones that slip underthe radar because they don't
fit the typical picture we haveof teen angst.
Researchers from the Universityof Michigan's Adolescence
Health Lab have been studyingthis for years and their
(18:02):
findings are crystal clearInternalizing struggles, things
like withdrawal, overthinking,perfectionism and quiet sadness
are often missed ormisrepresented by parents.
Why?
Because we tend to associatedistress with externalizing
behavior.
You know the drama, rebellionor acting out.
But here's the truth.
Many teens, especially girlsand high achieving kids, turn
(18:26):
their stress and anxiety inwardand, instead of breaking the
rules, they bury their feelings,sometimes so deeply that even
they don't realize he'sstruggling Now.
So let's talk about some of themost overlooked signs you should
be watching for, and I have gotfive of them.
So the first one is a suddendip in motivation or grades,
(18:49):
even if they're still trying Now.
This one is subtle inmotivation or grades, even if
they're still trying Now.
This one is subtle, but it'stelling.
Maybe your teen used to belaser focused on these studies,
but now seems scattered or leastdriven, even though they're
putting in the effort.
It's easy to assume thatthey're just getting lazy or
distracted, but often what'sreally going on is that chronic
stress or emotional overload ismaking it harder for their brain
(19:10):
to function at its best.
Here's the neuroscience whenthe brain is flooded with
cortisol, which is a stresshormone, working memory and
executive function, which areboth crucial for learning, take
a hit.
That means that your team cansit at their desk for hours and
still struggle to retaininformation or perform like they
used to.
So we need to be looking forthat as parents and as educators
(19:35):
.
We need to be looking for thesudden dip in motivation or in
their grades.
What's going on there Now?
The second one is increasedfatigue or oversleeping.
We often think of teenagers asnaturally tired because of the
late nights or early morning andall that growing, but there's a
difference between typicalsleepiness and something deeper.
(19:58):
If your teen is sleeping waymore than usual, like taking
really long naps or sayingthey're exhausted all the time,
that can be a red flag.
In fact, according to theFoundation, excessive sleep and
fatigue are often overlookedmarkers of depression and
chronic stress in adolescents.
Their bodies might be usingsleep as a coping mechanism, a
(20:20):
way to escape from overwhelmingemotions or pressures, and so
it's a really good one to justkeep an eye on at home.
The third one is avoidance offriends or social activities
that they once loved.
This is a big one Socialwithdrawal.
It's pulling back from friends,it's skipping out on hobbies,
turning down invitations.
This can be one of the earliestand clearest signs that
(20:44):
something's not right, and yetit often gets chalked up to
typical teen moodiness or apassing phase.
But here's the insight typicalteen moodiness or a passing
phase.
But here's the insight peerconnection is biologically
critical during adolescence.
So when a teen suddenly losesinterest in their social world,
it's usually a sign of deeperemotional struggles like anxiety
(21:04):
, depression or feelings ofinadequacy.
The fourth one is overcommitmentto school or hobbies as a mask
for anxiety.
So we've kind of gone theopposite way now.
So this one really mightsurprise you, and we usually
celebrate hard work anddedication.
But sometimes overcommitmentcan actually be a mask for
(21:25):
anxiety.
So think about it this way aperfectionist teen, for example,
might throw themselvesheadfirst into everything extra
credit, projects after schoolclaps, volunteer work not
because they're passionate, butbecause they're trying
desperately to maintain a senseof control or worth.
And psychologists call thisanxious, over-functioning.
(21:47):
And while it looks like successon outside, it can quietly wear
a teen down to the point ofemotional exhaustion.
It's so important just to checkin with those exhaustion levels
and to make sure that ourteenagers aren't burning out,
because perfectionism in teensis risky territory.
(22:08):
Now the fifth sign is smallsigns of self-criticism.
So listen carefully to yourteen's offhand remarks, little
comments like I'm terrible ateverything or I'll never be good
enough, because they might seemlike typical teenage
frustration to you, but ifthey're cropping up regularly or
they're carrying a sharp edgeof hopelessness, that's worth
(22:29):
paying close attention to.
Research tells us thatself-critical thinking patterns
are one of the strongestpredictors of anxiety and
depression in adolescents.
This is a heavy one, and whilesome teens are open about their
feelings, others might only giveyou small passing glimpses into
the way that they're talking tothemselves.
They're talking to themselves.
(22:55):
So, as parents, really this isa red flag.
We have to be so careful not toignore the quiet, offhand
remarks, the little comments,because they are giving us a
window into something that'spotentially quite big.
And I'll give you one more sign.
I've got a bonus one for you.
I've actually got six.
I remembered one Physicalsymptoms, and this one really
flies under the radar becausestudies show that teens,
(23:16):
especially younger adolescents,often somaticize their stress.
That means that their emotionaldistress shows up as physical
pain like headaches, stomachaches, nausea, muscle tension,
even things like unexplainedskin breakouts or dizziness.
So if your teen is making wartrips to the nurse's office or
(23:38):
they're frequently complainingof physical ailments that don't
seem tied to any obvious cause,it's worth considering whether
stress or anxiety could beplaying a role, and a study in
the Journal of PediatricPsychology found that up to 30%
of recurring physical complaintsin teens are linked to
underlying psychologicalstresses.
(23:59):
This is your body's way ofwaving a big red flag when the
brain can't quite process what'sgoing on emotionally.
Our bodies are so clever, theway that our subconscious works
is so clever, and so stress andanxiety can show up as physical
symptoms in teens.
Now the tricky thing with allof this these signs often don't
(24:20):
look like a crisis that we justtalked about, these six hidden
signs.
In fact, they can seem soordinary, so woven into the
fabric of teen life, that it'seasy to dismiss them as just
being a teenager.
Right, but here's the truth Iwant you to hold on to.
Any significant change in yourteen's mood, behavior or habits
is worth paying attention to,especially if it lasts more than
(24:43):
two weeks.
You know your child best andyour intuition as a parent is
powerful.
You are the light in their darkworld.
You are the superstar who knows.
So up next, we are going toshift gears and talk about how
to help.
We've talked about all theheavy stuff.
Now let's look at how to help,the science-backed tools that
(25:04):
can actually support your teen'semotional health in a way that
feels really doable for you andempowering for them.
All right, let's get practical,because I know many of you
listening are thinking okay,francesca, this is all
fascinating, but what can Iactually do day to day to make
things better for my teen?
Right got you.
So first, some reallyencouraging news Parents are
(25:25):
still the number one influenceon their teen's well-being.
Yes, that hasn't changed.
Social media might come and go,but you are still the number
one influence.
Amazing and I know it doesn'talways feel that way when your
teen is holed up in their roomor gives you one word answers,
it can seem like they'reshutting you out or that their
friends matter more.
But recent shot of HarvardCenter on the developing child
(25:47):
tells us something powerful Evenjust one stable, engaged adult
relationship, whether that's aparent or a grandparent or a
coach or a mentor, candramatically buffer the impact
of stress.
In fact, that connection isoften the difference between a
teen who struggles and sinks anda teen who struggles but
recovers.
So please know, even when itlooks like they aren't listening
(26:09):
, they are.
You matter more than you think,and I've got some
evidence-based, science-backedways that you can truly help
your teen right now.
I've got another five.
So the first one is to validate,don't minimize.
Now, this one might seem simple, but it's huge.
Neuroscience shows us that whenwe dismiss or downplay a teen's
stress, saying things like, oh,it's not that big a deal or
(26:33):
you'll be fine, don't overthinkit, we actually activate their
amygdala, the brain's emotionalalarm system.
So instead of calming down,your teen's distress gets
amplified.
What works better instead?
Reflective listening.
Now, this means really tuningin, acknowledging your teen's
feelings and saying things likethat sounds really tough, or I
(26:56):
can see why you'd be upset aboutthat, even if you don't fully
get the situation, or ifsecretly, you're thinking this
seems like a minor thing, remindyourself that to your teen it
feels big and meeting them therecreates trust and safety.
So a quick example instead ofsaying it's just a maths test,
it's no big deal, try, you putso much effort into studying.
(27:20):
I can tell you're disappointedand that's completely valid.
Okay, so that's reflectivelistening.
The second way is to teach nameit, tame it.
Oh, now, what is this?
This is one of my favoritetools and it's beautifully
simple.
Dr Dan Seagal coined the phrasename it to tame it, and it's
rooted in neuroscience.
(27:40):
When your teen can accuratelylabel their emotions, whether
that's anger, shame, anxiety orsadness.
Their brain starts shifting,processing, from the amygdala,
which is their emotion center,to the prefrontdala, which is
their emotion center, to theprefrontal cortex, which is the
logic center, and that simpleshift actually calms their
system down.
So how do we encourage that?
(28:01):
Well, by helping teens buildemotional vocabulary.
You might say it seems likeyou're really frustrated.
Would you say that's the mainthing, or is there also some
embarrassment in there?
Or you could say this You'vementioned feeling tired a lot.
Do you think that's physicaltiredness or more of an
emotional tiredness?
And model it yourself too?
(28:23):
And you can model this yourselfas well.
You could say something likehonestly, I've been feeling
overwhelmed and a bit irritabletoday.
I think I need a reset thatshows them that it's normal and
healthy to name feelings outloud.
I think one of the best moviesout is Inside Out, the Inside
Out movies one and two, becausethe way that they teach young
(28:43):
people and I'm dealing withchildren and preteens about how
to explain and label theirfeelings is incredible.
My child in class the other daytold his teacher that singing
gives him anxiety and theteacher came and told me this
because she was quite takenaback because none of the class
(29:04):
had really described singingpractice in that way and I I
said well, his favorite movie isInside Out, he loves it and I
think that's great.
So the more ways we canintroduce building this
emotional vocabulary for ourchildren and for our teens is
only going to help them beingable to start calming their
(29:26):
system down.
The third one is set micro goals.
So you know, those days whenyour teen seems completely stuck
, like even the smallest taskfeels impossible, that's often a
sign that they're overwhelmedand they're frozen in a stress
loop.
Here's where the science ofsmall wins comes in.
A 2021 meta-analysis in theJournal of Youth Studies found
that when teens achieve tiny,manageable goals, their brain
(29:48):
gets a boost of dopamine, thereward chemical which helps
build momentum and a sense ofmastery.
So the trick is to break thingsdown way smaller than you think
.
If the goal is to clean theirroom, maybe the micro goal is
just put three pieces ofclothing in the hamper.
The goal is to start studying,maybe it's open the laptop and
read the first paragraph.
Those tiny wins buildconfidence and signal to their
(30:12):
brain hey, I'm not stuck, I cando this.
I've got a fabulous resourcecalled the Teen Academic Success
Blueprint.
In fact, I'll link it in theshow notes.
And that is all about microwins.
It's all about preparing yourteen and getting them used to
studying in class and being ableto process academic pieces of
(30:33):
information, and I've got awhole section there.
It's a bonus section.
It's called the Parent SupportToolkit, with cheat sheets, what
to say and what not to sayduring the study session,
conversation starters orboosting their confidence at
home, that kind of thing andit's such a useful tool to have
(30:53):
in your parenting back pocket.
And it's also a really goodtool for your teen to be able to
start to break down theirschoolwork into these micro wins
.
So I'll link that in the shownotes.
The fourth way is to prioritizesleep.
Seriously, I can't say thisenough.
Sleep is the unsung hero ofteen mental health.
A huge study by the CDC foundthat teens who got less than
(31:16):
seven hours sleep a night are2.5 times more two and a half
times more likely to experiencesymptoms of depression.
And yet, with busy schedulesand late night scrolling and
homework demands, sleep oftenslides way down the priority
list.
Setting firm but compassionateboundaries around bedtime and
screen time is one of the mostimpactful things that we can do
(31:38):
as parents and a few simple tipsto do this.
We can make devices sleep inanother room.
We can tell our kids iPads aresleeping in the lounge while
they're going to bed.
You know, we can stick toconsistent wake up and bedtime
routines and, yes, even on theweekends, when possible, too.
We can educate our teens on whyit matters.
(32:00):
We can say things like yourbrain is still growing.
You know, sleep is literallywhere when your brain processes
everything and resets itself.
So it's not about rules.
It's about giving your bodywhat it needs.
Now, this might not be popularin the moment, but long term,
total game changer.
And the fifth strategy is tomodel imperfection.
(32:22):
This one is so powerful and itoften gets overlooked.
Your teen is watchingeverything you do, and that
includes how you handle stress,setbacks and mistakes.
One of the best ways to helpthem build resilience is to show
them that it's okay to struggleand to recover.
That's the key to struggle andthen recover.
So, instead of always appearinglike you've got it all together
(32:43):
, be honest in anage-appropriate way, of course
about your own challenges.
You could say things like I wasreally anxious about that work
presentation today and I noticedI was being hard on myself
afterwards, so I took a walk toclear my head and reminded
myself that it's okay not to beperfect.
Can you see how you've modelledthat to your child?
(33:03):
You've stripped the struggleand then the recovery.
Or another example I felt sofrustrated earlier when things
weren't going my way.
I gave myself a minute to cooloff and then tackled it in
chunks Once again the struggleand then the recover.
And this helps your teaminternalize that resilience
isn't about being bulletproof.
It's about adapting, bouncingback and taking care of yourself
(33:27):
along the way.
I want to wrap up this sectionwith a reminder no matter how
complex the science, one thingis beautifully simple your
consistent, caring presencematters most.
Your teen doesn't need aperfect parent or all the right
answers.
They need someone who shows up,keeps trying and says over and
(33:47):
over again I'm here.
We'll figure this out together.
In our final segment, I'llshare a few closing thoughts In
a quote.
I think every parent of teensshould have tucked into their
back pocket for tough days, andif you're thinking I love these
strategies but I'd really love aroad back to help me put them
into action, I've got youcovered.
So, as I mentioned earlier.
The Teen Academic SuccessBlueprint is a practical,
(34:10):
step-by-step guide that helpsyour teen build smart study
habits, reduce their overwhelmand set up their own personal
system for success, whetherthey're struggling right now or
just need a confidence boost tohit their next goal.
And for you, the parent, I'vecreated the Parent Homework Help
Survival Kit.
It's designed to help yousupport your teen without
(34:31):
turning every homework sessioninto a battle.
You get printables, checklistsand my best
how-to-help-without-hoveringhacks, designed to help you
support your teen withoutturning every homework session
into a battle.
You get printables, checklistsand my best how to help without
hovering hacks that make a realdifference in your teen's
learning.
So both of these tools arebuilt to make your life easier
and your teen's journey smoother, and you can check them out via
the links in the show notes.
If there's one thing I hope youtake away from today's episode,
(34:53):
it's this your teen's strugglesaren't a sign of weakness.
They're not a sign of failure.
They are a reflection of thefact that your teen is
navigating one of the mostcomplex, intense and
biologically demanding periodsof life.
And you, my friend, you havefar more power than you might
think to guide them through it,not by having all the answers,
(35:13):
but by being that steady,compassionate presence that they
can lean on time and time again.
Remember, what feels likeresistance or drama is often
just a young person saying I'moverwhelmed, I'm figuring this
out, I need help, but I don'talways know how to ask for it.
I want to leave you with a quotethat I think every parent
should tuck into their backpocket for the hard days.
(35:33):
It's from Lisa D'Amour, thepsychologist and author of
Untangled, and she also happenedto be a consultant on the
Inside Out movies that Imentioned previously.
She's amazing.
I really love her work, and shewrites adolescence isn't a
problem to be solved, it's anexperience to be supported.
Isn't that beautiful?
It reminds us that your jobisn't to fix every bump in the
(35:56):
road.
It's to walk beside your teenas they learn, stretch, fall
down and rise up again.
Thank you so much for joining metoday on Challenge your Mind
and Change the World.
If this episode resonated withyou, please do me a quick favor.
Share it with a friend who's inthe back of parenting teens
right now.
Trust me, they'll thank you forit.
And hey, don't forget to hitsubscribe, because next week we
(36:17):
are diving into a big topic thatI know so many of you have
asked me about digitalresilience.
We'll unpack how to help yourteen thrive in a digital world
without losing their sanity oryours.
You're gonna love that one.
Until then, be kind to begentle with your teen and
remember you are both doing yourbest in a wildly complex world.
Bye for now.
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