October 28, 2025 • 33 mins
“So tell me what you want, what you really, really want,” exclaimed the Spice Girls back in ’96, and sadly, almost thirty years later, many of still us suddenly get shy when it comes to telling someone what we really, really want, especially when it comes to BDSM, D/S, and kink. Perhaps it is because we think those things we really, really want are so unique that others would not want them. We fill our minds with worry, wondering if we shared it, the answer would be “no”. Plus the fear that this no would also lead to possibly having the person we shared it with no longer see us as desirable. The truth is fetishes, sexual fantasies, and all things kinktastic that we might hesitate to share are shared by thousands who never speak about them. Discover just how common our naughty sides are, and next time you look around at your co-workers, you will be wondering which ones are into this too!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:03):
Hey there everyone, welcome to this episode of Chatting with
the Light Keeper. As always, I'm Edward and I know
that the location is not as exciting as by the lighthouse,
but fall has really finally comeinto full season here in
Michigan, and it was a balmy 33°this morning.
(00:26):
No frost though, oddly enough. So I decided rather than sit in
front of a lighthouse and freezewhile you could watch my breath
as I spoke, I would sit here at the breakfast bar and do the
podcast here. So I apologize for the less than
exciting location, but hey, it'scold.
(00:47):
It's time to be inside. So welcome to my breakfast bar
and let's start with a question.Do you have any idea how many
people report? And this is people taking a
survey, self reporting. And the question is, do you have
a fetish? Any idea what do you think that
(01:10):
number is? Hold on to that thought, not
going to spill the beans just yet.
And the next question I have related to that is what
percentage or not? What percentage?
Apologize, What fetish do you think it is?
It gets over 1300 searches per day.
(01:32):
So what percent of people have afetish and what is the number
one reported fetish that gets 1300 searches every single day?
And now that we've got that kindof planted, we'll move into what
I have planned for the episode. When I wrote an article, I don't
(01:58):
know, last week, week before, it's a little bit hazy.
Life has been crazy. But I sort of dove into the
statistics behind BDSM and kink and I went down the number
rabbit hole. And I admit, I am not a math
guy. In fact, I one of the reasons I
chose history as my major was because it didn't require math,
(02:22):
but the stats behind a lot of things really fascinated me.
And it got me thinking. The more I looked at some of the
numbers, the more I realized, you know, we're not alone.
And I think that's one of the things that people, when they
first come to BDSM or kink, theyfeel alone.
(02:42):
You know, like, I'm the only person that has this, and this
desire is so weird or it's bizarre and we put negative
connotations on something that we desire to try and I don't
know, stifle it, keep us from giving ourselves permission to
explore it. So hopefully today's little
(03:03):
episode where we do talk about some numbers.
I promise it's not going to be astatistics lecture.
I'm not going to suddenly transform into a professor
standing in front of a classroomand give you a stats lecture.
But I hope that we'll have some fun with the numbers.
We'll learn a few things. A few things will pop out at
(03:24):
you. And if you're new or newer, you
will suddenly see that you're really not alone and know there
is nothing wrong with having thedesires that you do.
And I apologize, I am using my computer here for my notes and
it's just a little bit out of reach, so I have to reach for
it. So getting into the data and
(03:48):
before I do that, I'm not a big fan of, you know, the
disclaimers or the legalese. But I think it's important
because of the way some of the people who collected the data
use terminology that I explain why I am choosing to say
(04:09):
something before I say it and perhaps leave you wondering.
A lot of the data uses men, women and non binary.
Now gender is very diverse, it'svery complex.
So today if you hear the term non binary, which you will
understand that I'm just using it as an umbrella term related
(04:33):
to this. I don't mean anything negative
by it. It's just, I think, the best way
to express it and express it respectfully and properly.
So let's dive into some fantasies first.
We'll start with the fantastic fantasy numbers.
Some some say, jeez, sound like Jeremy Clarkson. 60% of people
(05:01):
have tried bondage or restraintsin their lifetime, which is kind
of surprising. So that bondage fantasy you have
is not at all rare. In fact, 60% of people have
actually tried it. 36% of peoplehave used a mask, a blindfold or
(05:23):
something that somehow, you know, messed with their sensory
inputs. Maybe it was earphones, but
they've they've done something like that.
Amazingly, 30% of people have been spanked or given a spanking
during sex and 22% have done ADSrole play.
(05:47):
This doesn't mean that they're into DS, but during their
dancing with no pants, they incorporated some DS into that
into that play time and this onekind of blew me away.
I live in a rather conservative little enclave, and I know
people are very repressed, shallwe say, that there's a lot of
(06:10):
thoughts that they have that they just won't put into motion.
But 7077% of Americans actually want to bring some of their
fantasies to life. And now the trick is, of course,
is actually doing that and talking to your partner about
doing that or your, you know, partners, however it works.
(06:33):
But 77% of Americans want to bring their fantasies to life,
which is fantastic. It's just that jumping that
hurdle of, you know, doing it. The biggest and most common
fantasy that Americans have. It's probably not going to
(06:56):
surprise you. Do you have any any guesses?
So guesses are all locked in like this is a game show.
It's what the researchers call multi partner sex.
What that means is a threesome, foursome orgy.
You know, anything involving more than than two people.
(07:16):
Or as the old joke goes, you know, I almost had a threesome
last night. Only needed two more people, but
90% or excuse me, 97% of men in America want to have a threesome
or more some and I guess that's not surprising.
You know, I think the typical typical male, what's your
(07:39):
fantasy O2 women that seems to play, you know, to play out
typically. And it's reflected in the data.
Now women have a little bit of adifferent number here, but
surprisingly it's not that much lower.
It's only 87% of women have a multi partner sexual fantasy.
(08:02):
And then when we look at folks who are non binary, that number
comes in at about 92%. So many, many people want to
have threesomes, foursomes and more sums, which is kind of
surprising. And, you know, 77% of Americans,
they want to act on their sexualfantasies, but obviously we
(08:24):
don't, which is interesting. Now, how many Americans have
acted on their, you know, threesome foursome more some
fantasy heterosexual women, 8%. So we've gone, you know, 87%.
Oh, I have this fantasy. Only 8% have actually acted on
(08:47):
it. And of course with men the
number is higher because men, well we're men, 15% have acted
upon it. Now when we get into non
heterosexual women, we find 16% double the amount of people have
actually acted on that multi partner fantasy.
And with men we add 10%. When we look at non heterosexual
(09:10):
men that jumps to 25%. And then when we get to folks
who are non binary, we see that number is between 30 and 35%.
Obviously this is an area where research is emerging.
It is not as well documented as the old fashioned 2 gender stuff
(09:32):
that is out there. So the non binary number is a
little little bit more wriggly room because there just isn't
the amount of research on it, which is, you know, it's
fascinating. We have these fantasies, 71st 7%
of us want to act them out. And the biggest one we find that
(09:53):
the actual acting out isn't, youknow, isn't what you would
expect if 77% want to act them out.
But we're only doing it, you know, at the high end of 30%.
We need to be open and honest and communicate what we want
because obviously we have these ideas and these things we want
(10:14):
to explore and we're just not. So that whole, you know,
threesome foursome and more. Some got me thinking about non
monogamy versus Polly, you know,being Polly.
And here's an amazing fact, and we're talking just in America
here with these 34% of Americansactually say their ideal
(10:38):
relationship is not monogamy. It doesn't necessarily mean that
they're Poly, but their ideal relationship is not monogamous,
which is kind of surprising. What percentage of Americans do
you think have actually had a non monogamous relationship?
(11:01):
Number surprising 21% have kind of gone down and explored the
rabbit hole of non monogamy and 17% actually it's just a tick
less than 17% of people have a desire to actually engage in
being Poly. They want to be Poly doesn't
(11:24):
mean that they know how to or that they're actually going to
go take that step and jump into the Poly pool, but they desire a
polyamorous relationship. Now when we look at non binary
people in this mix, 32% actuallyit's a little bit more than 32%
(11:46):
of those who identify as non binary are actually in
consensual non monogamous relationships.
Of that, around 17% are are Polyand 13% are in open
relationships, which maybe isn'tPoly, but they're you know,
(12:06):
there's that. I don't know whether swinging's
the right word, but there's there's openness to other people
playing a role. And so that number surprised me.
Why is it so much higher? And like the sexual exploration
with the threesomes, foursomes more somes, why did people who
(12:27):
identified as not heterosexuals,why were they exploring at a
higher rate? You know, and same with the non
binary. It's a much higher rate than
what people who identify as straight are exploring.
And as I looked into it, what kept coming up over and over and
it's fascinating. It makes perfect sense if you've
(12:49):
already shattered one of society's no, no myths, you
know, no, you shouldn't be bisexual.
You need to be straight and you need to find a opposite sex
partner and be married and you only stay and have sex with that
partner and you do all of that monogamously.
You know, that's what society says we should do.
(13:13):
And if you've already smashed that by being bisexual or, you
know, being non binary or pansexual or any different sort
of sexuality, once you sort of smash the myth of what society
says you should be, it makes it easier for you to say, Oh yeah,
(13:36):
society says I shouldn't have a threesome.
But what the heck, you're more comfortable sort of smashing
that that barrier. So that is the reason why people
who have already sort of broken a societal taboo are more open
in exploring what they want, especially when it comes to non
(13:58):
monogamy. Now let's switch over and let's
talk let's dive into some kink and some BDSM in particular.
The percentage of Americans thathave out and out BDSM fantasies
that is comes in at 65%, which surprisingly is high in my was
surprised really was I didn't think it was that high, but it
(14:24):
is. But also understand that BDSM
fantasies is kind of a little bit of a loose term.
You know, a researcher could say, oh, you like to be tied up.
Well, there's a BDSM fantasy versus actually having say ADS
relationship. So fantasy and reality, again,
two different things and every researcher you know, there's not
(14:46):
a Webster's, you know, tensionary of what a BDSM
fantasy with a strict definition.
So that number might be a littlebit lower if we actually look at
sort of pure BDSM now, what percent of Americans have
actually tried a little BDSM in the bedroom?
(15:09):
And that's 20%. So next time you're at a
concert, you're, you know, public space.
Heck, next time you're in the office, you know, count, count
people, count 20 people and go, 01 of them is done.
Mediasm. It's kind of surprising when you
think of it that way. We're not so alone, really, if
(15:30):
you, you think of it that way. And since even though it's late
in the month, it is still October or as some people in the
Kingtastic world refer, refer toit as Locktober because they're
using this month as a month of chastity, whether with a partner
or not partnered. But Locktober has become a thing
in the kink world and the 17% ofAmericans have tried chastity
(15:55):
whether, and this is choosing tobe, you know, to be chase,
you're making the choice. This isn't something where
you're lacking sexual partners or you're choosing to abstain.
You're actually exploring being chase for a particular amount of
time, whether you're using a device, you know, like the
(16:17):
chastity belt or a cage for yourcock.
You know, it's 17% of Americans have have tried it, which is
amazingly and I was born away much higher number than I would
have thought. That's why I why I mentioned it
because I was like, well, you know, it is locked over and wow,
this number is much higher than I thought it would be.
(16:38):
The next part is age play, and before we dive into the stat,
age play is different than age regression.
Often times those two terms get thrown around and you see them
sort of interconnected or used by people thinking they mean the
same thing. They don't.
Age play is much more what you see where somebody identifies as
(17:00):
a little middle, or maybe they're a caregiver or maybe
they're an adult baby. Age play is a role play where
somebody role plays being at a younger age consensually and
among adults where age regression is something that is
done more as a coping mechanism.It's not for everybody.
(17:24):
Some people age regrets for other reasons, but it's commonly
A coping mechanism where somebody sort of regresses to a
younger age because they find comfort in it.
And age regression is typically not something that is in any way
linked to anything kinky. People who age regress may not
even care about kink BDSM, or they may not even know it
(17:48):
exists. Yes, people who are age who age
regress can be in the wonderful world of kinkastic things, but
they don't have to be. There's no interconnect there
where age play. Once again, it doesn't have to
be connected to kink, but in a lot of cases it is.
(18:08):
So that's sort of the difference.
And if you're explored BDSM, 65%of people who have explored BDSM
have explored H play, which was fascinating.
I, I didn't expect that number to be so high, but it was
absolutely high. And in fact, according to the
(18:30):
study that I looked at, actuallystudies, H play comes in higher
than bondage. Believe it or not, bondage comes
in at between 60 and 65%. So it's kind of right there with
bondage. But I was very surprised by the
amount of age play that was out there.
And the next biggest surprise when we look at the BDSM numbers
(18:54):
is 2 things. And I'm going to put them
together. Pain and humiliation.
I always struggle to say, you know, the what I'm trying to
say. See, I struggle saying it.
Anyways, 84% of people have tried pain. 57% of people who
have explored BDSM have tried humiliation.
(19:17):
And we have the myth out there that if you're into BDSM, you
have to be into pain, either giving or receiving, or you have
to be either into being humiliated or humiliating
someone else. And we know those are both myths
and they're not true. But when you look at the number
of people who have explored BDSMthat have explored those two
(19:38):
topics, I think that it understandably gives gives that
fake, you know, sort of fake mythology, something real world
where perhaps This is why it's out there because so many people
who have explored BDSM explore those two areas, whether they
turn out to like them or not, it's something that they have
(20:00):
explored, which is fascinating. And it was kind of at least eye
opening for me to see how that how that link came about the
next one. And this stunned me.
What percent of people in VDSM that have explored it not
necessarily had to use them, butwould use safe words and?
(20:25):
I thought the percentage would be nearly 100.
Well, it's not far off 100, but it is 90%, which means 10% of
people who have explored BDSM did so without safe words.
Now, it could mean a couple of things.
You know, I tried to look at it from a more positive light.
Perhaps they were new and didn'tknow what a safe word was.
(20:47):
And so when they were asked, youexplored BDSM.
Oh, yes, I did. Did you use a safe word?
And they went, or it could be ifyou are in a long term
relationship. Now, I'm not saying this is
right or wrong, but it's something that I've seen with
with relationships where they'vebeen long term, the safe words
(21:08):
sort of fall away as the partners really connect because
they're able to read and understand each other's body
language. It's not something that I'm
sitting here saying, yeah, it's the right way.
I think it's a very dangerous way personally, but it is
something that is out there and people do do.
So I think that explains it. But I was really shocked that
(21:30):
that number came in at only 90%.Now, if you're online, which you
are, if you are watching or listening to me, what percentage
do you think is out there of people that pay for
professional, either, you know, pro doms or pro submissive where
they're paying not for sex. This is not sex, but this is
(21:53):
just strictly paying for BDSM services.
And that actually came in at 13%, which was higher than I
expected. But it is an area that is
growing where people can explorewith a professional.
So they don't have any emotionalattachments or they don't have,
(22:15):
you know, any of that other stuff.
It's just strictly a, a professional arrangement.
Yeah. And I should also say that a lot
of this data comes from a study by Bryce Westlake and Isabel
Mahan, or, excuse me, Isabel Meehan.
(22:35):
And it came out in 2023, and it was done at San Diego State
University. So this is where, where a lot of
the data is coming from and it'sa where they looked at and
talked to nearly 1000 people. So this is where, where the
data's coming from. If you're curious into diving
deeper, Another surprising thingthat jumped out at me is in
(23:02):
fact, I had recently posted about this on Instagram was the
use of Master as a, as a, you know, a label that people are
taking. And the concern is that some
people are taking the term master not because they have
mastered lifestyle skills or in their relationship with their
partner or partners. They are referred to as as
(23:25):
Master, but you know that they're just taking it as
marketing. Like I'm a master.
I've explored BDSM for two weeks.
I'm a master, which is sadly what is the trend online seems
to be. So it can be very hard to tell,
you know, master from marketing versus actual mastery.
(23:47):
But when they sat down and talked to this nearly thousand
people, just, I mean, really just short of 1000 people, the
number of people that identifiedas a master of mistress 1.6%,
which I thought was stunning. That when the you know, sort of
like when the rubber meets the road, when you're sitting,
(24:08):
sitting down and talking to somebody and they ask, you know,
what is your, you know, what is your honorific or, you know, in
the lifestyle master came in so low.
And I thought that was just justfascinating because at least to
me, it's some vindication that what I'm seeing online with all
these masters is probably true. It is probably a lot of
(24:28):
marketing. Now the next section is what
I've done is I've taken the averages across or the the
totals from across genders to get the statistics.
When I do that, just so you know, because somebody will do
the math, it's not going to necessarily Ding the 100% bell
(24:51):
every time because we're taking data that yes for the males
equals 100% and yes, for the females equals 100% and yes, for
the non binary folks it equals 100%.
But when you bring all that datatogether, it's not going to
necessarily Bing at the 100% level because I'm just taking
(25:12):
the percentages. I'm not, I wasn't.
Like I said, math isn't my thing.
So I kept it simple and focused as on percentages in the study.
It was kind of fascinating. 27% of the respondents were married,
26% were single, 26% were dating, which I guess if you're
single, let's hope because the amount of people dating in the
(25:33):
lifestyle is equal to the numberof single people.
So that's kind of interesting. And the other people who, you
know, sort of declined to identify their relationship
status was about 20%. And then we get into these are
people once again who are self admitting to being into BDSM and
they're asked to say, what is your perfect relationship type?
(25:55):
5% of the people, they are single, they don't want to
mingle, they want to stay single. 32% came in as
monogamous. 28% said that they were mostly monogamish, you
know, maybe the occasional multiple partner thing.
OK, 29%, almost 30 came in as Polly and also 22% said they
(26:19):
would they did open relationships and 10% came in at
relationship anarchy, which I thought was a fascinating find
for it to be be so high among people, which was absolutely
kind of a kind of a cool little nugget to find the next thing
blew me away, right? Because you go online and you
(26:41):
see posts almost every day from a submissive and they are
complaining about how hard it isto find a dominant, right?
Finding the dominant is so hard.And I sort of thought it was
just when I, you know, put my big brain into it that yes,
(27:02):
finding a dominant is hard. You have so many people who sort
of are faking the dominant rule because they just want to get to
the kinky sacks or there's playing a game online.
And then you have actual people who are lifestyle dominance and
other people who are just, you know, enjoy it playfully from
time to time, you know, doing what they do.
(27:24):
And the the Westlake and and neon study opened my eyes to
something and and submissives you rightfully according to the
study. I understand now why it is so
hard for submissives to find a dominant partner.
Now the number of respondents, once again, this is nearly 1000
(27:45):
people that said they were submissive was 49.7%, which
struck me as high. Now you're probably going to
think the dominant side is goingto come in, maybe you know, 50,
you know, 50.3%, which would give us that magical sort of
5050 ratio, but it doesn't. Switches account for almost 29%
(28:11):
of the respondents, 29% are switches.
So your number of people who identify as a dominant came in
at just 22%. So you have almost 50% of the
people. Now, if this is, you know,
truthfully impactful across the the lifestyle, almost 50% of
people are saying I'm submissive, but yet 22% are
(28:35):
saying I am dominant. And, and, you know, switching
does account for almost 30% of, of, of the people in the
lifestyle. So maybe as a submissive, you
find somebody who is a switch, but in your connection they're a
dominant. But yeah, I can definitely
understand why it is so hard forsubmissives to find a dominant,
(28:56):
especially a dominant that they connect with because the data
says your, your pool to choose from is, is much smaller.
So that was that just sort of blew me, blew me away.
So now that we've got that out of the way, let's get back to
the the very fun first fetish questions that I asked.
(29:19):
First of all, nearly 50% of people admit to having a fetish.
Now what fetish do you think gets searched 1300 times per
day? And nearly half of those that
have a fetish admit that this isone of is their fetish or one of
(29:40):
their fetishes. And that's feet.
Feet by far in the fetish schemathing, according to the
research, is the number one fetish that is out there.
And what amazed me when I learned this is we think of, of
somebody with a foot fetish as being sort of a niche thing.
(30:02):
It's, it's not a, you know, it'snot as not mainstream or it's
not as common. But if you think about it, if
nearly 50% of people have fetishes and half of those have
a foot fetish, why do we classify somebody with a, a foot
fetish as being sort of, you know, sort of in the small box
(30:27):
when actually it's a very, very,very common thing?
And I think that's the big take away from all of this, at least
for me, and I hope it is for you, is that the things that we
want, the things that we're into, the things we want to try,
the things we want to explore, they're not as unique perhaps as
(30:49):
we've convinced ourselves that if we talk about them with
somebody we trust, a trusted partner or somebody that we're
we're trusting as we build a relationship with and we share,
hey, you know, I'm one of the, the, you know, 77% of Americans
who want to bring my fantasies to life.
And here's some of the things I fantasize about.
(31:10):
You're going to more than likelyfind a receptive audience.
We don't have to be so uptight and so guarded with what we talk
about. Made me think of the Spice
Girls. And I know it might seem an odd
thing to equate to kink, the Spice Girls, although I'm sure
that some of that 97% of men with threesome fantasies or
(31:31):
moresome fantasies if they're, you know, might consider a
moresome with the Spice Girls. But anyways, you know, they have
that lyric. Tell me what you want, what you
really, really want. And I think that applies here
when we're building or we're with a partner.
Let's start, you know, channeling our inner Spice Girl
and telling them what we want, what we really, really want and
(31:54):
see what we can explore togetherbecause there is so much to
explore, so much to try. And the data says, you know,
where other people are into it. You are not alone.
So let's share. Let's talk about it.
Let's not be so, so uptight. Let's share those fantasies with
(32:15):
our partners and let's talk about them.
And you know, let's actually, you know, bring some of them to
life. So that's the podcast for this
week. I thank you for tuning in.
And please don't forget to tap the follow button or the
subscribe button wherever you'rewatching or listening.
(32:36):
That way you'll just get notified every other week when
one of my podcasts drops. And also your comments and your
questions are always welcome. You can drop it in wherever
you're watching or listening right now, or you can just, you
know, shoot me Adm over on any of the socials.
Just look for chatting with a light keeper.
You'll find me. So I look forward to chatting
(32:57):
with you again in just, you know, another two weeks, 14
days. So until then, have fun, have a
great Halloween, and I look forward to chatting with you
again soon.
Hey there everyone, welcome to this episode of Chatting with
the Light Keeper. As always, I'm Edward and I know
that the location is not as exciting as by the lighthouse,
but fall has really finally comeinto full season here in
Michigan, and it was a balmy 33°this morning.
(00:26):
No frost though, oddly enough. So I decided rather than sit in
front of a lighthouse and freezewhile you could watch my breath
as I spoke, I would sit here at the breakfast bar and do the
podcast here. So I apologize for the less than
exciting location, but hey, it'scold.
(00:47):
It's time to be inside. So welcome to my breakfast bar
and let's start with a question.Do you have any idea how many
people report? And this is people taking a
survey, self reporting. And the question is, do you have
a fetish? Any idea what do you think that
(01:10):
number is? Hold on to that thought, not
going to spill the beans just yet.
And the next question I have related to that is what
percentage or not? What percentage?
Apologize, What fetish do you think it is?
It gets over 1300 searches per day.
(01:32):
So what percent of people have afetish and what is the number
one reported fetish that gets 1300 searches every single day?
And now that we've got that kindof planted, we'll move into what
I have planned for the episode. When I wrote an article, I don't
(01:58):
know, last week, week before, it's a little bit hazy.
Life has been crazy. But I sort of dove into the
statistics behind BDSM and kink and I went down the number
rabbit hole. And I admit, I am not a math
guy. In fact, I one of the reasons I
chose history as my major was because it didn't require math,
(02:22):
but the stats behind a lot of things really fascinated me.
And it got me thinking. The more I looked at some of the
numbers, the more I realized, you know, we're not alone.
And I think that's one of the things that people, when they
first come to BDSM or kink, theyfeel alone.
(02:42):
You know, like, I'm the only person that has this, and this
desire is so weird or it's bizarre and we put negative
connotations on something that we desire to try and I don't
know, stifle it, keep us from giving ourselves permission to
explore it. So hopefully today's little
(03:03):
episode where we do talk about some numbers.
I promise it's not going to be astatistics lecture.
I'm not going to suddenly transform into a professor
standing in front of a classroomand give you a stats lecture.
But I hope that we'll have some fun with the numbers.
We'll learn a few things. A few things will pop out at
(03:24):
you. And if you're new or newer, you
will suddenly see that you're really not alone and know there
is nothing wrong with having thedesires that you do.
And I apologize, I am using my computer here for my notes and
it's just a little bit out of reach, so I have to reach for
it. So getting into the data and
(03:48):
before I do that, I'm not a big fan of, you know, the
disclaimers or the legalese. But I think it's important
because of the way some of the people who collected the data
use terminology that I explain why I am choosing to say
(04:09):
something before I say it and perhaps leave you wondering.
A lot of the data uses men, women and non binary.
Now gender is very diverse, it'svery complex.
So today if you hear the term non binary, which you will
understand that I'm just using it as an umbrella term related
(04:33):
to this. I don't mean anything negative
by it. It's just, I think, the best way
to express it and express it respectfully and properly.
So let's dive into some fantasies first.
We'll start with the fantastic fantasy numbers.
Some some say, jeez, sound like Jeremy Clarkson. 60% of people
(05:01):
have tried bondage or restraintsin their lifetime, which is kind
of surprising. So that bondage fantasy you have
is not at all rare. In fact, 60% of people have
actually tried it. 36% of peoplehave used a mask, a blindfold or
(05:23):
something that somehow, you know, messed with their sensory
inputs. Maybe it was earphones, but
they've they've done something like that.
Amazingly, 30% of people have been spanked or given a spanking
during sex and 22% have done ADSrole play.
(05:47):
This doesn't mean that they're into DS, but during their
dancing with no pants, they incorporated some DS into that
into that play time and this onekind of blew me away.
I live in a rather conservative little enclave, and I know
people are very repressed, shallwe say, that there's a lot of
(06:10):
thoughts that they have that they just won't put into motion.
But 7077% of Americans actually want to bring some of their
fantasies to life. And now the trick is, of course,
is actually doing that and talking to your partner about
doing that or your, you know, partners, however it works.
(06:33):
But 77% of Americans want to bring their fantasies to life,
which is fantastic. It's just that jumping that
hurdle of, you know, doing it. The biggest and most common
fantasy that Americans have. It's probably not going to
(06:56):
surprise you. Do you have any any guesses?
So guesses are all locked in like this is a game show.
It's what the researchers call multi partner sex.
What that means is a threesome, foursome orgy.
You know, anything involving more than than two people.
(07:16):
Or as the old joke goes, you know, I almost had a threesome
last night. Only needed two more people, but
90% or excuse me, 97% of men in America want to have a threesome
or more some and I guess that's not surprising.
You know, I think the typical typical male, what's your
(07:39):
fantasy O2 women that seems to play, you know, to play out
typically. And it's reflected in the data.
Now women have a little bit of adifferent number here, but
surprisingly it's not that much lower.
It's only 87% of women have a multi partner sexual fantasy.
(08:02):
And then when we look at folks who are non binary, that number
comes in at about 92%. So many, many people want to
have threesomes, foursomes and more sums, which is kind of
surprising. And, you know, 77% of Americans,
they want to act on their sexualfantasies, but obviously we
(08:24):
don't, which is interesting. Now, how many Americans have
acted on their, you know, threesome foursome more some
fantasy heterosexual women, 8%. So we've gone, you know, 87%.
Oh, I have this fantasy. Only 8% have actually acted on
(08:47):
it. And of course with men the
number is higher because men, well we're men, 15% have acted
upon it. Now when we get into non
heterosexual women, we find 16% double the amount of people have
actually acted on that multi partner fantasy.
And with men we add 10%. When we look at non heterosexual
(09:10):
men that jumps to 25%. And then when we get to folks
who are non binary, we see that number is between 30 and 35%.
Obviously this is an area where research is emerging.
It is not as well documented as the old fashioned 2 gender stuff
(09:32):
that is out there. So the non binary number is a
little little bit more wriggly room because there just isn't
the amount of research on it, which is, you know, it's
fascinating. We have these fantasies, 71st 7%
of us want to act them out. And the biggest one we find that
(09:53):
the actual acting out isn't, youknow, isn't what you would
expect if 77% want to act them out.
But we're only doing it, you know, at the high end of 30%.
We need to be open and honest and communicate what we want
because obviously we have these ideas and these things we want
(10:14):
to explore and we're just not. So that whole, you know,
threesome foursome and more. Some got me thinking about non
monogamy versus Polly, you know,being Polly.
And here's an amazing fact, and we're talking just in America
here with these 34% of Americansactually say their ideal
(10:38):
relationship is not monogamy. It doesn't necessarily mean that
they're Poly, but their ideal relationship is not monogamous,
which is kind of surprising. What percentage of Americans do
you think have actually had a non monogamous relationship?
(11:01):
Number surprising 21% have kind of gone down and explored the
rabbit hole of non monogamy and 17% actually it's just a tick
less than 17% of people have a desire to actually engage in
being Poly. They want to be Poly doesn't
(11:24):
mean that they know how to or that they're actually going to
go take that step and jump into the Poly pool, but they desire a
polyamorous relationship. Now when we look at non binary
people in this mix, 32% actuallyit's a little bit more than 32%
(11:46):
of those who identify as non binary are actually in
consensual non monogamous relationships.
Of that, around 17% are are Polyand 13% are in open
relationships, which maybe isn'tPoly, but they're you know,
(12:06):
there's that. I don't know whether swinging's
the right word, but there's there's openness to other people
playing a role. And so that number surprised me.
Why is it so much higher? And like the sexual exploration
with the threesomes, foursomes more somes, why did people who
(12:27):
identified as not heterosexuals,why were they exploring at a
higher rate? You know, and same with the non
binary. It's a much higher rate than
what people who identify as straight are exploring.
And as I looked into it, what kept coming up over and over and
it's fascinating. It makes perfect sense if you've
(12:49):
already shattered one of society's no, no myths, you
know, no, you shouldn't be bisexual.
You need to be straight and you need to find a opposite sex
partner and be married and you only stay and have sex with that
partner and you do all of that monogamously.
You know, that's what society says we should do.
(13:13):
And if you've already smashed that by being bisexual or, you
know, being non binary or pansexual or any different sort
of sexuality, once you sort of smash the myth of what society
says you should be, it makes it easier for you to say, Oh yeah,
(13:36):
society says I shouldn't have a threesome.
But what the heck, you're more comfortable sort of smashing
that that barrier. So that is the reason why people
who have already sort of broken a societal taboo are more open
in exploring what they want, especially when it comes to non
(13:58):
monogamy. Now let's switch over and let's
talk let's dive into some kink and some BDSM in particular.
The percentage of Americans thathave out and out BDSM fantasies
that is comes in at 65%, which surprisingly is high in my was
surprised really was I didn't think it was that high, but it
(14:24):
is. But also understand that BDSM
fantasies is kind of a little bit of a loose term.
You know, a researcher could say, oh, you like to be tied up.
Well, there's a BDSM fantasy versus actually having say ADS
relationship. So fantasy and reality, again,
two different things and every researcher you know, there's not
(14:46):
a Webster's, you know, tensionary of what a BDSM
fantasy with a strict definition.
So that number might be a littlebit lower if we actually look at
sort of pure BDSM now, what percent of Americans have
actually tried a little BDSM in the bedroom?
(15:09):
And that's 20%. So next time you're at a
concert, you're, you know, public space.
Heck, next time you're in the office, you know, count, count
people, count 20 people and go, 01 of them is done.
Mediasm. It's kind of surprising when you
think of it that way. We're not so alone, really, if
(15:30):
you, you think of it that way. And since even though it's late
in the month, it is still October or as some people in the
Kingtastic world refer, refer toit as Locktober because they're
using this month as a month of chastity, whether with a partner
or not partnered. But Locktober has become a thing
in the kink world and the 17% ofAmericans have tried chastity
(15:55):
whether, and this is choosing tobe, you know, to be chase,
you're making the choice. This isn't something where
you're lacking sexual partners or you're choosing to abstain.
You're actually exploring being chase for a particular amount of
time, whether you're using a device, you know, like the
(16:17):
chastity belt or a cage for yourcock.
You know, it's 17% of Americans have have tried it, which is
amazingly and I was born away much higher number than I would
have thought. That's why I why I mentioned it
because I was like, well, you know, it is locked over and wow,
this number is much higher than I thought it would be.
(16:38):
The next part is age play, and before we dive into the stat,
age play is different than age regression.
Often times those two terms get thrown around and you see them
sort of interconnected or used by people thinking they mean the
same thing. They don't.
Age play is much more what you see where somebody identifies as
(17:00):
a little middle, or maybe they're a caregiver or maybe
they're an adult baby. Age play is a role play where
somebody role plays being at a younger age consensually and
among adults where age regression is something that is
done more as a coping mechanism.It's not for everybody.
(17:24):
Some people age regrets for other reasons, but it's commonly
A coping mechanism where somebody sort of regresses to a
younger age because they find comfort in it.
And age regression is typically not something that is in any way
linked to anything kinky. People who age regress may not
even care about kink BDSM, or they may not even know it
(17:48):
exists. Yes, people who are age who age
regress can be in the wonderful world of kinkastic things, but
they don't have to be. There's no interconnect there
where age play. Once again, it doesn't have to
be connected to kink, but in a lot of cases it is.
(18:08):
So that's sort of the difference.
And if you're explored BDSM, 65%of people who have explored BDSM
have explored H play, which was fascinating.
I, I didn't expect that number to be so high, but it was
absolutely high. And in fact, according to the
(18:30):
study that I looked at, actuallystudies, H play comes in higher
than bondage. Believe it or not, bondage comes
in at between 60 and 65%. So it's kind of right there with
bondage. But I was very surprised by the
amount of age play that was out there.
And the next biggest surprise when we look at the BDSM numbers
(18:54):
is 2 things. And I'm going to put them
together. Pain and humiliation.
I always struggle to say, you know, the what I'm trying to
say. See, I struggle saying it.
Anyways, 84% of people have tried pain. 57% of people who
have explored BDSM have tried humiliation.
(19:17):
And we have the myth out there that if you're into BDSM, you
have to be into pain, either giving or receiving, or you have
to be either into being humiliated or humiliating
someone else. And we know those are both myths
and they're not true. But when you look at the number
of people who have explored BDSMthat have explored those two
(19:38):
topics, I think that it understandably gives gives that
fake, you know, sort of fake mythology, something real world
where perhaps This is why it's out there because so many people
who have explored BDSM explore those two areas, whether they
turn out to like them or not, it's something that they have
(20:00):
explored, which is fascinating. And it was kind of at least eye
opening for me to see how that how that link came about the
next one. And this stunned me.
What percent of people in VDSM that have explored it not
necessarily had to use them, butwould use safe words and?
(20:25):
I thought the percentage would be nearly 100.
Well, it's not far off 100, but it is 90%, which means 10% of
people who have explored BDSM did so without safe words.
Now, it could mean a couple of things.
You know, I tried to look at it from a more positive light.
Perhaps they were new and didn'tknow what a safe word was.
(20:47):
And so when they were asked, youexplored BDSM.
Oh, yes, I did. Did you use a safe word?
And they went, or it could be ifyou are in a long term
relationship. Now, I'm not saying this is
right or wrong, but it's something that I've seen with
with relationships where they'vebeen long term, the safe words
(21:08):
sort of fall away as the partners really connect because
they're able to read and understand each other's body
language. It's not something that I'm
sitting here saying, yeah, it's the right way.
I think it's a very dangerous way personally, but it is
something that is out there and people do do.
So I think that explains it. But I was really shocked that
(21:30):
that number came in at only 90%.Now, if you're online, which you
are, if you are watching or listening to me, what percentage
do you think is out there of people that pay for
professional, either, you know, pro doms or pro submissive where
they're paying not for sex. This is not sex, but this is
(21:53):
just strictly paying for BDSM services.
And that actually came in at 13%, which was higher than I
expected. But it is an area that is
growing where people can explorewith a professional.
So they don't have any emotionalattachments or they don't have,
(22:15):
you know, any of that other stuff.
It's just strictly a, a professional arrangement.
Yeah. And I should also say that a lot
of this data comes from a study by Bryce Westlake and Isabel
Mahan, or, excuse me, Isabel Meehan.
(22:35):
And it came out in 2023, and it was done at San Diego State
University. So this is where, where a lot of
the data is coming from and it'sa where they looked at and
talked to nearly 1000 people. So this is where, where the
data's coming from. If you're curious into diving
deeper, Another surprising thingthat jumped out at me is in
(23:02):
fact, I had recently posted about this on Instagram was the
use of Master as a, as a, you know, a label that people are
taking. And the concern is that some
people are taking the term master not because they have
mastered lifestyle skills or in their relationship with their
partner or partners. They are referred to as as
(23:25):
Master, but you know that they're just taking it as
marketing. Like I'm a master.
I've explored BDSM for two weeks.
I'm a master, which is sadly what is the trend online seems
to be. So it can be very hard to tell,
you know, master from marketing versus actual mastery.
(23:47):
But when they sat down and talked to this nearly thousand
people, just, I mean, really just short of 1000 people, the
number of people that identifiedas a master of mistress 1.6%,
which I thought was stunning. That when the you know, sort of
like when the rubber meets the road, when you're sitting,
(24:08):
sitting down and talking to somebody and they ask, you know,
what is your, you know, what is your honorific or, you know, in
the lifestyle master came in so low.
And I thought that was just justfascinating because at least to
me, it's some vindication that what I'm seeing online with all
these masters is probably true. It is probably a lot of
(24:28):
marketing. Now the next section is what
I've done is I've taken the averages across or the the
totals from across genders to get the statistics.
When I do that, just so you know, because somebody will do
the math, it's not going to necessarily Ding the 100% bell
(24:51):
every time because we're taking data that yes for the males
equals 100% and yes, for the females equals 100% and yes, for
the non binary folks it equals 100%.
But when you bring all that datatogether, it's not going to
necessarily Bing at the 100% level because I'm just taking
(25:12):
the percentages. I'm not, I wasn't.
Like I said, math isn't my thing.
So I kept it simple and focused as on percentages in the study.
It was kind of fascinating. 27% of the respondents were married,
26% were single, 26% were dating, which I guess if you're
single, let's hope because the amount of people dating in the
(25:33):
lifestyle is equal to the numberof single people.
So that's kind of interesting. And the other people who, you
know, sort of declined to identify their relationship
status was about 20%. And then we get into these are
people once again who are self admitting to being into BDSM and
they're asked to say, what is your perfect relationship type?
(25:55):
5% of the people, they are single, they don't want to
mingle, they want to stay single. 32% came in as
monogamous. 28% said that they were mostly monogamish, you
know, maybe the occasional multiple partner thing.
OK, 29%, almost 30 came in as Polly and also 22% said they
(26:19):
would they did open relationships and 10% came in at
relationship anarchy, which I thought was a fascinating find
for it to be be so high among people, which was absolutely
kind of a kind of a cool little nugget to find the next thing
blew me away, right? Because you go online and you
(26:41):
see posts almost every day from a submissive and they are
complaining about how hard it isto find a dominant, right?
Finding the dominant is so hard.And I sort of thought it was
just when I, you know, put my big brain into it that yes,
(27:02):
finding a dominant is hard. You have so many people who sort
of are faking the dominant rule because they just want to get to
the kinky sacks or there's playing a game online.
And then you have actual people who are lifestyle dominance and
other people who are just, you know, enjoy it playfully from
time to time, you know, doing what they do.
(27:24):
And the the Westlake and and neon study opened my eyes to
something and and submissives you rightfully according to the
study. I understand now why it is so
hard for submissives to find a dominant partner.
Now the number of respondents, once again, this is nearly 1000
(27:45):
people that said they were submissive was 49.7%, which
struck me as high. Now you're probably going to
think the dominant side is goingto come in, maybe you know, 50,
you know, 50.3%, which would give us that magical sort of
5050 ratio, but it doesn't. Switches account for almost 29%
(28:11):
of the respondents, 29% are switches.
So your number of people who identify as a dominant came in
at just 22%. So you have almost 50% of the
people. Now, if this is, you know,
truthfully impactful across the the lifestyle, almost 50% of
people are saying I'm submissive, but yet 22% are
(28:35):
saying I am dominant. And, and, you know, switching
does account for almost 30% of, of, of the people in the
lifestyle. So maybe as a submissive, you
find somebody who is a switch, but in your connection they're a
dominant. But yeah, I can definitely
understand why it is so hard forsubmissives to find a dominant,
(28:56):
especially a dominant that they connect with because the data
says your, your pool to choose from is, is much smaller.
So that was that just sort of blew me, blew me away.
So now that we've got that out of the way, let's get back to
the the very fun first fetish questions that I asked.
(29:19):
First of all, nearly 50% of people admit to having a fetish.
Now what fetish do you think gets searched 1300 times per
day? And nearly half of those that
have a fetish admit that this isone of is their fetish or one of
(29:40):
their fetishes. And that's feet.
Feet by far in the fetish schemathing, according to the
research, is the number one fetish that is out there.
And what amazed me when I learned this is we think of, of
somebody with a foot fetish as being sort of a niche thing.
(30:02):
It's, it's not a, you know, it'snot as not mainstream or it's
not as common. But if you think about it, if
nearly 50% of people have fetishes and half of those have
a foot fetish, why do we classify somebody with a, a foot
fetish as being sort of, you know, sort of in the small box
(30:27):
when actually it's a very, very,very common thing?
And I think that's the big take away from all of this, at least
for me, and I hope it is for you, is that the things that we
want, the things that we're into, the things we want to try,
the things we want to explore, they're not as unique perhaps as
(30:49):
we've convinced ourselves that if we talk about them with
somebody we trust, a trusted partner or somebody that we're
we're trusting as we build a relationship with and we share,
hey, you know, I'm one of the, the, you know, 77% of Americans
who want to bring my fantasies to life.
And here's some of the things I fantasize about.
(31:10):
You're going to more than likelyfind a receptive audience.
We don't have to be so uptight and so guarded with what we talk
about. Made me think of the Spice
Girls. And I know it might seem an odd
thing to equate to kink, the Spice Girls, although I'm sure
that some of that 97% of men with threesome fantasies or
(31:31):
moresome fantasies if they're, you know, might consider a
moresome with the Spice Girls. But anyways, you know, they have
that lyric. Tell me what you want, what you
really, really want. And I think that applies here
when we're building or we're with a partner.
Let's start, you know, channeling our inner Spice Girl
and telling them what we want, what we really, really want and
(31:54):
see what we can explore togetherbecause there is so much to
explore, so much to try. And the data says, you know,
where other people are into it. You are not alone.
So let's share. Let's talk about it.
Let's not be so, so uptight. Let's share those fantasies with
(32:15):
our partners and let's talk about them.
And you know, let's actually, you know, bring some of them to
life. So that's the podcast for this
week. I thank you for tuning in.
And please don't forget to tap the follow button or the
subscribe button wherever you'rewatching or listening.
(32:36):
That way you'll just get notified every other week when
one of my podcasts drops. And also your comments and your
questions are always welcome. You can drop it in wherever
you're watching or listening right now, or you can just, you
know, shoot me Adm over on any of the socials.
Just look for chatting with a light keeper.
You'll find me. So I look forward to chatting
(32:57):
with you again in just, you know, another two weeks, 14
days. So until then, have fun, have a
great Halloween, and I look forward to chatting with you
again soon.
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