In Defense of Dominants in BDSM - S.4 Episode Twenty

In the world of D/S there is much written and said about redflags in dominants but what happens when supposed red flags are actually green flags? Or a submissive mistakenly blames a dominant for upholding their boundaries, labels them as a fake because they are not a sadist, or heaven forbidden they are a caring soul?

This episode looks at what some have called red flags but are actually positive, green flags, breaking myths and stereotypes helping you avoid the scourge of false warnings to see positive omens hidden in the myths.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hello there everyone, welcome tothis edition of Chatting with
the Light Keeper. As always, I'm Edward and you
are you. And as you can see I am back
here at the beach to do an episode and so I am hoping
everything works Well. One slight adjustment for this
week, you'll notice that the thecamera is now horizontal weather

(00:21):
than vertical, which gives you abetter view of the lighthouse
and also the beach and the greatwhite N behind me there where
the tall buildings are, that's actually Canada and amazingly
it's the great white N. But it's actually my east and
the sun is going to rise so it is going to get brighter as we
go. But I wanted to try and get the

(00:43):
pod done before the senior citizens who are beachcombers
come out to find rocks and shells and all that good stuff.
So I did bring notes because thebeach is not a environment that
is conducive for laptops. So don't mind notes.
You'll see me reference them. This week's episode, really, I

(01:06):
was going to follow up on vetting.
We've talked about it the last couple of weeks and I was going
to find a topic that that flowedafter vetting.
And instead, suddenly I started seeing all these posts on social
media about bad dominance. And yes, that's a very common
theme and I know I've chatted about it here on the podcast,
but some of what I was seeing was actually signs of good

(01:27):
dominance. Now, perhaps the way the
dominance gave these messages tothe submissives who were
complaining was wrong. That's very possible that they
were a horse's ass, the way theysaid it or the way they
delivered it. But the message in itself is not
signs of bad dominance. So I think it's time that I sort

(01:48):
of pick up the sword and we do alittle in defense of dominance
here today. So the first thing that I saw is
that a submissive claim that they their relationship ended
and they were unhappy with theirlast dominant because they
weren't dominant 24/7. Well, that's sort of an
impossibility. It's a fantasy world and we

(02:12):
don't live in a fantasy world. This may look beautiful and
fantastic, but it's still it's not, it's not fantasy.
You know, there's an angry seagull walking off here to my
right that's mad that I'm probably in the spot that he
wants to get to, thinking there might be a leftover French fry
or something here. But yeah, we don't live in a

(02:33):
fantasy world, and it's impossible for any dominant to
be in Domini Dom mode 24/7. The next thing I saw was a
submissive who complained that their dominant was too gentle
and that this was a sign that this person was a fake dominant
because they were kind, they were caring, and they were

(02:55):
gentle at times. Now here's the real kicker with
that is, and I don't know, my microphone is there.
I couldn't see it in my camera. So Michael crapped and the
microphone fall. Sorry about that.
So the specialist was complaining that because the
dominant was human and cared about them, they weren't a real
dominant. And that that's one of the
bigger myths out there about dominance is that somehow we are

(03:17):
uncaring or that we are made of marble, don't have feelings,
don't have emotions. But guess what we do And in
fact, often times our emotions run very deep, possibly even
deeper than some of some of yourvanilla friends.
So that that is just another line of junk.
Another one is I saw was a submissive claiming that fake

(03:39):
dominance often don't know how to be sadistic.
Well here's the thing, not all dominance are into that, just
like not all submissives are into statism.
It isn't something that everybody involved in this
wonderful world needs to needs to take part in.
And just because somebody isn't into it, it doesn't mean that

(04:02):
they are a fake or not a real dominant.
So Next up on my list was somebody who called out another
individual as a fake Dom becausethey were at an event and
somebody was being rude. And this person chose to just

(04:23):
step away from the conversation with the individual who was
being rude and didn't engage with them.
And because they didn't engage with whoever it was that was
being rude because they were a upstanding member of that
community. This person was a fake dominant.
And I just thought, no, that's, that's like good awareness, good
self-awareness. And, and you know, they kept

(04:44):
their boundaries. That's not a sign of being less
of a Dom. In fact, that should be
something that I was a submissive, I would find
attractive somebody who knows toexit a situation rather than
engage and potentially ramp up the situation or end up in an an
uncomfortable situation. Another one, and this is

(05:08):
something that is sadly fairly common, is the submissive.
It was a brand new relationship.They'd only been dating
according, you know, this is once again one sided according
to the submissive for less than six weeks.
And they had financial difficulties and the dominant
refused to give them money. And I just thought, no, that's

(05:30):
not the sign of a bad dominant. That's the sign of a responsible
person. You're just getting to know
somebody. How do you know that you're not
getting taken advantage of? You know, and I guess the
situation was the car broke downand it was must have needed some
expensive repairs done. Car repairs are never normally

(05:51):
something that you get away withcheaply.
But rather than give her money the dominance, like, you know,
apparently said, we work different shifts.
I'd be more than happy to, you know, take you to and from work,
you know, during this interim, but I'm not going to go pay for
your car. And I thought that's a very
loving and caring response. And so, yeah, I don't understand

(06:14):
how that got equated with being fake because they won't pay your
bills. So, yeah, just because somebody
may want to be called daddy in arelationship doesn't mean
they're a sugar daddy. So there is that.
Another thing that came up was asubmissive griping about how
they were in the mood to do somefantastic things and the

(06:37):
dominant said no because they weren't in the mood.
And of course they were fake because they were a dominant who
didn't want to engage in play. No, they were human and perhaps
they had a bad day at work or had family issues or any of that
sort of stuff. So obviously not a fake, a real

(06:57):
person once again with real emotions, real feelings.
Getting back to this whole myth that, you know, like Dominus are
perpetually horny, always on andnever have a bad day or a bad
mood. Or maybe sometimes they might
just want to cuddle rather than spank the hell out of ya.
You know, it's, it's, it's very human.

(07:17):
Another thing that I saw and have experienced personally,
occasionally I need reassurance,you know, I'm human.
Occasionally I need to hear thatI did a good job, I'm doing
well, you did exactly what I needed.
Or especially if there's an intense scene, that things were

(07:39):
fantastic and I did good. I didn't cross any boundaries.
You feel good, you felt secure, you feel safe before, during and
after. Those are types of things that
many people on the B side need to hear.
And I do have a beachcomber coming, so we may have to do a
little edit or I may just keep going on because the attire

(08:00):
she's wearing means it's somebody that I would like to
offend. So anyway, that's personal side
and we won't get into what the attire is.
If you want to know, drop me Admon socials, chatting with the
light keeper on Instagram. It's probably the best place to
catch me if you want to DM me. But yeah, so there's that.
Another one is somebody called out a person as a fake Dom

(08:22):
because they checked in with them during a scene they were
playing. And the dominant said, you know,
hey, how are you doing? Is this OK?
And that person became offended and called them a fake because
they, you know, actually dared care enough to to say to them,

(08:45):
you know, is this OK? Are we doing good?
And once again, it goes back to that possibly needing
reassurance as well. So there's all of that and it
just, you know, it just kind of boggles my mind how that would
be a sign of, of, of not being areal person.
And yeah, I am going to take a quick break here and I'll be

(09:09):
back with you in just a second. OK, I am back.
I'm sorry about that. But I thought taking a quick
pause there was probably the best thing to do.
So we were talking about check insurance and how checking in
during play made this person a bad dominant.
And it doesn't, that's somethingthat you want, especially if you

(09:31):
are newer in your partnership oryou're experiencing a type of
play that you haven't done before and it's new to both of
you. So it's something that it, it
needs to, it needs to be done. And it's not a sign of a, of a,
you know, a bad dominant at all.It's a sign of a, of a good one.

(09:52):
So yeah, there is, there's that.And now we have a dog on the
beach and I'm trying to figure out if dog has an owner if not
with them. Because if the dog doesn't have
an owner, well, Oh yeah, here comes the dog's owner.
So we have dog and dog owner. That's good.
I'm not going to go go try to catch it.

(10:12):
If the dog was did without a human, my instinct would be to
go say hi to the dog and then reunite dog with owner.
Anyways, here's another one admitting mistakes.
That's something that is hard for dominance sometimes because
the perceptions, especially if you are newer, because the

(10:33):
perception is is that dominance are you know, once again a
marble statue flawless, perfect and no, we're human.
So mistakes happen. So this dominant admitted that
they that they made a mistake and because they admitted this,
they were deemed to be not real,to be fake.
So yeah, that is another one outthere that just, it made my head

(10:57):
spin. Here's the dominant being human
saying, hey, I screwed this up and I want you to know about it.
Rather than having the submissive find out about it,
you know, down the road and think that the submissive or the
dominant was being dishonest. They admitted a mistake and that
got them branded as a fake. And it just boggles my mind.
Now granted they didn't go into the mistakes so maybe it was a

(11:20):
horrendous major thing that theydid that did weren't the label,
but just admitting a mistake is not not nearly enough.
Another one that was out there was that a submissive griped and
actually claimed they broke up with this individual because the

(11:43):
submissive was into rope fight. They like rope being tied up,
the intricate knots. And the dominant said, you know,
hey, I am not experienced with that.
Would you want to go to some classes with me so I can learn
how to do this? And that got them branded for
being fake because they admittedthey didn't know how to do

(12:03):
something. Now, once again, not knowing the
back story, maybe at the start of things, this dominant person
said, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what I'm doing.
And then come to find out they don't.
So maybe that was it, but just to say, hey, I want to go learn
more, I don't know at all is notthe sign of somebody who is an

(12:23):
imposter. So there is that.
And this next one is kind of important.
It's about the dominant maintaining their need, you
know, to be treated with with respect by the submissive.
Now, I understand the whole bratand brat tamer dynamic.

(12:44):
You know, there can be some backand forth that goes on, but
that's part of it. But expecting to be treated as a
respectful person, provided theytreat others with respect, once
again, that's just a basic core tenant of being a good person
and being a good human. So there's that, which is not a

(13:04):
sign, but were some out there inthe wonderful world of Tinkle
India? It definitely is a sign for them
which is wrong. Another one, and I found this
very interesting, the gripe was that they were dating this D
type for quite a while and he never asked them for their

(13:28):
submission. And I'm like, yeah, that's
absolutely correct and right to do.
They should wait. I mean, yes, they can say I
would like for this to go here, there or wherever and express
where they want it to go in the future.
But that's something that needs to be freely offered.

(13:49):
And it can't be something that is just, you know, demanded.
And so the submissive was looking for the dominant to
basically demand this or ask forit, when in reality, it's
something that has to be freely given.

(14:11):
So it's not a sign of a fake wannabe or a bad D type.
It's just, it's just the way it should be in in according to the
the long winded rant of this that I read over on Fabulous
Fat, it was, you know, it was not that way at all.
The dominant shares a vision of where they want to be in the

(14:32):
future, that they were open to this and wanting this to happen
and they were just waiting for that to be freely given.
And when it didn't happen, they expressed that, you know, is why
they were partying and, you know, 'cause they didn't feel
that the the submissive was really into them because, you

(14:52):
know, sort of all the groundworkthey felt had been laid and they
were not seen at press to where they wanted to go.
Very human thing to do. And then was upset because the D
type never asked for their submission.
So that was that was one that was out there.
Another one is once again, this came from the world of fabulous

(15:15):
fact where you can find just about anything you want anytime.
Any gripes, positivity, negativity, a lot more
negativity these days are positive and I'm not sure what
the big noise is. Apparently there's the seminar
running and there's a Canadian fishing trawler out there which
is got a lot of motor which you may be hearing on the audio.

(15:36):
I'm sorry, I can't help that. But the person was branded as a
fake because although their their teams and fetishes
aligned, the dominant wanted to focus on getting to know the
submissive as a person. How, how, how?

(15:56):
Once again, how is that that a bad thing?
I mean, you are human and if youwant to build a relationship,
which is what was claimed, you have to engage and you have to
be human and get to know the person.
So yeah, that just boggled my mind that somebody would
prioritize compatibility and then be lambasted publicly as a

(16:23):
as a bad and as a fake because how dare they want to get to
know who I am. Yeah, it it really, this whole
excursion into this world has made me sometimes kind of cringe
and wonder, wonder what as we ashumans are doing so wrong
sometimes. But anyway, here was a big one.

(16:45):
And this person was just absolutely lambasted because,
get this, they broke up with thesubmissive because they didn't
feel that they were compatible. And in this specific instance,
in this diatribe over on Fabulous Fat, again, they were

(17:09):
not sexually compatible. And now I'm sure you are
immediately thinking, oh, it's the D type who was sort of the
hedonist and the very highly sexual person.
And no, that dominant was identified as asexual and the

(17:32):
submissive was somebody who is admittedly very highly sexual.
And so those needs didn't align.And the dominant, admittedly by
the submissive in the diatribes,stepped away with kindness and
said this isn't going to work for me because of this.
And they were branded once againas bad fake, poser, all those

(17:54):
wonderful terms because they recognized that the
compatibility wasn't there and so they simply stepped away.
So that was absolutely kind of craziness to me.
And then finally we come to the one with a dominant who has
their own limits and they have boundaries and they enforce

(18:18):
them. And they said, hey, we need to
just be friends. We can't take it to the next
level. I can't give you what we what
you want. And because of that, they were
sort of dismissed as being fake in a fakery.
So it just boggled my mind that once again, standing up and

(18:42):
saying, here's the limits. Here's what I can offer you as a
friend. I can't offer you anything more
than that. How that equates to somebody
being a bad dominant and a bad human Now, maybe they didn't
like the way the message was delivered, who knows?
But no matter your role, whetheryou're into this or not,
maintaining your limits and boundaries is not something that

(19:05):
is bad. It's a very good thing and it's
something that as humans, we should do a better job of it.
I know that I'm not always the best sometimes at it, but it's
been something I've been workingon and I feel I've made some
huge progress with. And yeah, it's.
But it's just all these things added up to absolute craziness

(19:26):
in my mind. And I'm just absolutely shocked
that these people would be really kind of slandered, if I
may, for the way that they were human and did all the things
that good people should do when there's an issue or just when

(19:49):
they're engaged in play, like checking in.
It just just boggled my mind. So that was the last thing I
had. But I think the important lesson
is, is, you know, why there is alot of scenery and a lot of, you
know, thought waffles online that pretend and pose.
Not everybody who is not a matchor does something human doesn't

(20:15):
make them a bad person, a fake. You know, whatever the role, I
think we need to remember that there's a human inside.
So thank you for tuning into this week's episode.
And no matter where you are listening or watching, please go
ahead and tap the like and follow buttons.
I'd appreciate it. All that's going to do is just

(20:37):
let me know that you enjoyed theepisode and the follow is going
to just let you know when the next bi weekly episode of the
podcast hits. Although next week we well, I
say we, my partner Saylor and I,she is putting together a list
of poems that I've written that really she really likes.
And so I'm going to share some of my poetry with you, read some

(21:03):
of it and explain where it came from, why I wrote it and what
the meaning is behind it and theinspiration there.
So sort of going to do a specialin between week version of it
that's not related to the usual topics, but just a little poetry
thing. If that's if that's your jam, I

(21:24):
do hope you'll tune in for that because it's obviously going to
be a very personal journey for me that I look forward to
sharing with you. So until then, have a great day
and I will chat with you soon.