September 2, 2025 • 28 mins
How does a flaming car connect to BDSM vetting, D/S, and kink? What happens when you focus so much on being open to being vetted that you do not do your homework on someone? In this episode, I reveal the mistakes I made and the heavy cost of replacing due diligence with blind trust. This story stands as one of my most valuable BDSM lifestyle and relationship lessons. Listen to uncover the warning signs I overlooked that led to automobile flambé.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Good morning everyone. Welcome to this episode of
Chatting with the Light Keeper. As always, I'm Edward and you
are you. And if you are watching this
rather than just listening to this podcast, you'll notice my
setting is a bit different than normal.
Over my shoulder here, you can see my favorite lighthouse in
the world. Unfortunately, it's now bright
(00:21):
enough out that you can't see its beacon going.
In fact, I think it might have turned off for the day.
It is sunrise. The sun is just peeking over the
Canadian coast here on Michigan sunrise side.
So obviously the setting is different.
So please bear with me if there are some glitches like I hope my
(00:45):
noise cancelling is going to work to cancel out the waves.
They are very small this morning.
In fact, you would say the wateris pretty flat, but yet there's
still a little little bit of rollers coming in.
So there is some wave noise, which I am thinking that my
little microphone here will be smart enough to filter that out.
(01:08):
But the other thing is, is I don't have a script.
I didn't bring my laptop here because, you know, sand and
electronics normally don't mix, so I'm using my noggin going
from memory. So with that said, let's jump
into things. Last week.
Well, I guess it was 2 weeks ago, 'cause this is every other
week. So the last episode we talked
(01:30):
about vetting and how important it is and how to do it.
And that conversation got me thinking.
And sometimes it's scary when I think I kind of got in my own
head a little bit and I went back to an experience that I had
many, many years ago where I focus so much on making myself
(01:51):
available to vet and doing answering, I guess all the
vetting questions that the perspective person had that she
had for me that I really didn't vet her.
And because of that, it had somevery unique consequences.
(02:11):
I did talk about this once before in a pod way back four
years ago, maybe even longer. So it's one of the original
podcasts that are out there, butthe vetting got it back in my
mind. So here we are sitting at the
beach and I'm going to share with you a vetting Horror Story
that happened to me. It's like I said, it was many
(02:34):
years ago. I met somebody online with some
great conversations about the lifestyle.
And as I say that I kind of lookaround, I can see in front of me
and using the camera behind me. But I know that there are many
people that walk the beach in the morning.
So I may have to like disconnectand then like splice and edit
(02:57):
together and come back because obviously we're talking about
something that would not necessarily be great for public
consumption anyway. So we met online, had some great
conversations, and they didn't live that far away, hour and a
half hour, 45 minutes or so fromme.
So it was kind of like, whoa, anamazing person that doesn't live
(03:19):
on the other side of the earth. So we started chatting on the
phone and doing all of that stuff.
We eventually agreed to meet andof course me being me, I suggest
a local munch to meet at, you know, safe group environment.
(03:40):
And in fact she shared that her best friend goes to that munch.
So would be even better because I would sort of have the she
would have another set of eyes and ears to listen to me to, you
know, sort of help the vetting process.
So we met at the lunch, had a great time, went out for coffee
and food afterwards and it endedup being an all night diner
(04:04):
thing and we're there for several hours.
And of course, the munch was during the week and I had to
work the next day. So the next day was a very
groggy day and one where I drankmuch coffee.
And yes, I did bring my coffee to do the podcast here at the
beach. And the conversations continue.
Now she was a parent and so thatof course limited her
(04:26):
availability. So it was, you know, we carried
on with conversations daily throughout the day.
And it was a couple weeks beforewe were able to arrange to to
meet again. And once again, because I'm me
and overly cautious, but not thinking overly cautious for
(04:47):
myself, but for her because I wanted to show that, you know, I
was, I guess, a good dominant and a thoughtful person arranged
to meet at another event in her local community.
And the best friend was of course a part of it again.
And we had a great time. We hung out, conversation went
(05:07):
late into the night. The best friend ended up
departing. So we had some alone time.
But I want to stress, alone timedidn't mean there was any hanky
panky. There was no dancing with no
pants. There was none of that.
We were literally in a hanging out in the same all night little
diner place again drinking coffee and having great
(05:28):
conversation and you know, therewas some hand holding and there
was a hug goodbye. There was not even a kiss on the
cheek. So a couple more weeks go by, we
hang out again. I would actually call it kind of
a date. That's her bestie was a part of
it early on. And then then we again just sort
(05:53):
of hung out, had coffee and thistime parted with a, you know, a
Peck on the cheek and that was it.
And so we started planning to hang out again.
And since I had gone made the travel to her neck of the woods,
she suggested for the next time that she come up to where I was
living, which sounded fantastic,right?
(06:14):
Actually time, you know, just the two of us.
We kind of threw in my mind the vetting for her.
And so we arranged to meet for dinner, and then a couple days
before we were to meet, she suggested that perhaps she could
(06:36):
spend the night with me, since we tended to have conversations
that went late and we had spent some time together.
So she expressed that she was very comfortable with that.
And This is why I made a huge mistake.
At that point, I provided her inan e-mail and also copied her
best friend with my address. You know, seems innocent enough,
(07:01):
right? And that mistake, what I should
have done was said, yeah, that'sgreat.
Go ahead, book the hotel you want, and I'll reimburse you
when you get, you know, when youarrive on Friday night.
And so that way, she could have a hotel where she did feel
uncomfortable with me. She would have a place to go
(07:21):
that she would have booked herself so I wouldn't have
noticed or wouldn't know where she was in case I turned out to
be, you know, a creep it outsideof a, you know, sort of a group
situation. So that Friday night comes, I go
to the restaurant where we were to meet, sit and wait at the bar
for hour and a half and she doesn't arrive.
(07:43):
And, and of course, you know, I called and texted a few times
and at one point I even picked up the phone, called her best
friend and said hey, where is she Is everything OK?
Best friend had supposedly no clue where she was and said, you
know, hey, I don't know what happened blah blah blah I
haven't heard. So eventually I went had dinner
(08:06):
by myself and at the end of that, you know, it'd been three
hours or so, hadn't shown up. So I figured I got stood up and
didn't hear from her all weekend, everything quiet as a
church mouse from her. And then it was later on a
(08:26):
Sunday evening. In fact, I was already already
in bed when my phone dinged witha message from her saying that a
family emergency had come up, implying that there was, you
know, a tragedy in the family and that had occupied her all
weekend. And I said, oh, you know, I
(08:48):
didn't respond to it. I was still sort of kind of
miffed about being stood up. While I understood that can
happen, you know, a simple text message, Hey, sorry, can't make
it. Something came up, explain
later, didn't happen. So I was a little upset, but I
didn't I didn't respond to the message.
I figured I'll just sleep on it and respond in the morning.
(09:09):
And when I woke up in the morning, I just thought, no, you
know, this, I, I deserve better than this.
And so as I thought about it, I'm driving to work and the best
friend calls me and the best friend says to me, look, you're
a really great person. I respect you.
(09:31):
And I think you should know thatshe went and spent the weekend
with her ex dominant. That's what happened.
And I don't want to see you get caught up in the middle of all
of it. So I thank the best friend.
And so as I got to work, I triedto connect with her.
(09:51):
I didn't. And so I just left a message
saying, hey, got your message. I hope everything's OK.
Hopefully we can talk tonight. And when we talked that evening,
I explained, you know, it was her, not me.
And I'm sorry, I'm having a squirrel moment.
And because of the sunrise, which you can see by how my face
isn't lit evenly looking right into the sun, one of the
(10:15):
American steamship lines, Great Lakes freighters, is going down
bound. I think it's the Buffalo.
Yes, it is the Buffalo, which isa river class.
It is actually bound for Cleveland, OH with a load of
what they call taconite. And that's crudely refined iron
ore that has come from Duluth orDuluth, MN.
(10:39):
Sorry, I got my states mixed up.Duluth, MN.
And it's going to Cleveland where it will turn into steel,
which will be in your new GM product.
Anyway, so back to the story. I'm sorry, I'm a boat nerd.
This is what boat nerds do. We see a freighter and we geek
out. So I apologize for that little
bit. And right now it's so big it's
(11:00):
actually blocking the sun. Anyway, so that evening we
talked and, you know, she explains that she thinks she
said it was an uncle had passed away, blah blah, blah.
And, and I just simply, you know, said, you know, I'm sorry,
this isn't going to work for me.A combination of the distance
(11:21):
and not being able to see you very often, which I understand
you have a family that comes first, but I'm looking for
something, you know, that's more, you know, more
advantageous for me. And then, you know, it's not
you, it's me. And if she didn't argue the
(11:41):
point, didn't make a fuss about it, seem to, you know, accept it
like an adult. And we ended the conversation.
And then Friday at work, this iswhere it gets really weird.
Friday at work, I go to go to leave and there are dead flowers
on the windshield of my car. And I thought, that's really
(12:03):
weird, but OK, don't know why. Maybe somebody got the wrong car
and then thought nothing more ofit.
In fact, I didn't even think back to this person and think
that they could be behind it. And then I don't know the actual
time frame. It's been a while, but sound
(12:25):
asleep, middle of the week and Ihear a pounding on.
I was living in an apartment at the time, pounding on an
apartment door. And I'm like, jeez, in the
apartment complex where I lived was all pretty much young
professionals, which meant that,you know, yes, the weekends
might occasionally get a little rowdy here and there, but during
(12:46):
the week it was, you know, a, a,a church mouse would find it,
you know, overly quiet. And I'm like, who the heck is,
you know, hammering and poundingon a door, you know, on whatever
weeknight it was. And then the light bulbs kind of
goes in my off in my head as I start to wake up, that's maybe
my door. And so get up, throw some
(13:09):
clothes on. And as I'm approaching the door,
I hear the unmistakable sound ofpolice radios.
And I'm like, oh, boy. And of course, my mind goes to a
terrible place because in college, I answered the door at
A at a friend's one time. And there was a state trooper
there who was there to inform myfriend that there had been a
(13:32):
tragic car accident, but we won't get it.
That's, of course, where my mindimmediately went when I saw 2-2
police officers there. And they asked me if I own such
and such a car. And I said, yeah.
And the officer says, well, you need to come with us because he
goes I, it's better if you just see it.
I'm like, OK, so the car I had was a little sporty convertible
(13:57):
and we get outside and it. So since it was sporty, it had a
manual transmission. And rather than put on the
parking brake, I just would put it in gear when I parked it.
Well, my car had been lit on fire.
The interior had been lit on fire, and that fire had burned
through the ignition wires, causing the car to actually
(14:21):
start. And since it started and was in
gear, it took off over a little hill and down the road of the
apartment complex where it came to rest against a tree, flaming
and of course, was fully engulfed by the time the fire
department was called. Who put it out?
And so, you know, here's my car completely gutted and destroyed.
(14:48):
And talking to the police officers, they're like, you
know, do you have, you know, somebody in your life that's
angry at you, somebody that's upset, You know, normally
something like this, while it could just be completely random,
is, is linked to something, you know, where you have somebody
who's out to get you. And I honestly, I didn't think
(15:11):
at the time, I did have anybody that was out to get me or do
anything nefarious in my life. And so they chalked it up as
random. But the police officer did say
that they were going to actuallycode this out as a dumpster
fire. Kid you not, they they're the
police codes. They put it in as a dumpster
fire. So when the local newspaper
published reports of police and fire calls, they would only see
(15:34):
dumpster fire. They wouldn't see car fire
because the officer said that way if somebody does come
forward with a story, there won't be somebody who is just a
crank who looked at the newspaper and said wanted to say
that they lit this car on fire. So that happens.
And so the next day call in sickto work and go buy a new car.
(15:59):
And in fact, it's the first timeI bought a new brand new car.
So that was kind of kind of the,the, the cool part of it.
I got my first new car, not I didn't buy something second hand
or used. So I got my first new car and I
decided not to tell a soul what had happened.
(16:21):
I just simply, when somebody noticed, I like, I didn't even
say, hey, I bought a new car. When somebody saw me with the
new car, they're like, hey, is that your car?
I'm like, yeah, you know, the old one, you know, is just, it
was giving up the ghost. I needed to replace the clutch
and I thought rather than do that, it's time just to get a
new car. So went out, did that, got a new
(16:44):
car, everything seemed fine, hunky Dory.
And then the next weird thing happens, it's two weeks into
this, I get Adm and it's from this, you know, the person that
I had a few dates with and that doesn't say how are you or
(17:07):
what's new, anything like that. It just says, I'm sorry to hear
about your car. Now, since I've told no one, I
immediately know that this is who did it and really sort of
freaked me out in a sense, it was Adm.
The beautiful thing is I was able to catch my breath before I
(17:28):
responded to it and I just responded and said no, my my
car's fine. I and, and this is here's the
other unique part of this. Previous to getting the new car,
one of my neighbors had the exact same car as myself.
So I decide to not say, oh, but I got a new car or anything like
(17:51):
that. I just simply said, oh, no, my
car's fine. I said my neighbor's car got lit
on fire. You're kind of pissed off about
it and don't have any idea who did it, but mine's fine.
And so that was that was the endof time.
Like there was no reply to that like like, oh, or wow, or that's
(18:14):
crazy. Literally nothing.
And that's where the story ends.I have a new car.
I know who did it. I don't know why.
Really weird. Still to this day I, it baffles
me why somebody would do that. I just thank my lucky stars that
(18:35):
it happened and I was actually in a place to get a new car and
you know, everything just it worked out really kind of for
the best for me. It was the motivation to, you
know, get the new car that I needed.
So it was in fact I was driving a ton for work and so that my
(18:58):
flaming car had been put throughthe put through the ringer so to
speak. Now, the first question everyone
asks, why didn't I go to the police with this?
And the reason why I decided notto was I was moving in a couple
of weeks, actually less than a week, had a new car.
(19:22):
And I knew that she had kids. And that was the big factor I
didn't want to see, even though in my mind very deserving of a
stint in jail for it. I didn't want to see that happen
because she did have kids. So I didn't I, I know I was
(19:42):
moving, so I knew that the move would mean she wouldn't know
where to find me if this was to continue or escalate.
Coupled with that move, I got a new phone number and you know,
of course, applied all the appropriate blocks online.
But the big thing I took away from it.
And the first time I I told the story to some friends in the
(20:06):
lifestyle, they're like, but youdidn't do anything wrong.
And the more I thought about it,yeah, I did.
I didn't vet her. I was so focused on being and
proving that I was worthy that Idid not look at her.
I didn't really vet her. Like I had an idea where she
(20:31):
lived, but I, I don't know, you know, as curiosity killed the
cat After this, I did deploy some Google searches and, and
found that she didn't live in the town that she said she did,
digging deeper into her profile.I didn't even do that.
I didn't even dig into the profile.
(20:52):
And most profiles you can on lifestyle sites, you can see
where they make changes, you know, or you comment on
somebody's picture. And I would have seen where she
was in and out of a relationshiprepeatedly with the same person,
which was a few hours, even farther S than that.
(21:15):
So that would have also been a red flag that she's been
recently out of a relationship, but was continuously like ping
ponging in the relationship withthem out of the relationship in
the relationship of the relationship.
That would have been that would have been a huge red flag, you
know, not saying where you're from after, you know, meeting a
(21:35):
few times, another red flag. And I never even, you know,
really dug into questions as faras, you know, I knew what she
said she did for her career, butI don't know if that's true
because I never followed it up. So it was a big failure on my
part to do any sort of vetting and I didn't even, you know,
(21:58):
think to ask. Obviously she was still spending
time with her, her former dominant.
And I never like would circle back to say, you know, Oh yeah,
over the weekend you said you went to the water park with your
kids. What was it like?
Or, you know, do any sort of like the little the little cross
checks you can do with with withvetting.
(22:18):
And I I apologize for the the the lighting on my face, 1/2
being bright, 1/2 being dark. And and that's walking sea golf
that wants to join the conversation, apparently.
I perhaps might have set my camera at a bad angle for that
with the the sunrise, but I wanted to get the lighthouse in
the background. So hey, it's the trade off.
(22:41):
It's my first time doing this outdoors so.
So I do hope that you'll extend me a little grace there.
But yeah, I didn't do anything wrong and it was a huge life
lesson for me on trust, you know, up and tell them.
And in fact, I still might be overly trusting in in some ways
(23:03):
where I don't, where I extend maybe more trust than I should
to someone who is new to me. But now that I've matured and
grown, I don't think that's a bad thing.
I actually think that's a that'sa good thing to to have.
But yeah, I I didn't do my homework on her.
(23:24):
I made myself available through everything out there.
So in this case, she knew where to find me, where I worked on
the schedule, I worked all the stuff and I knew really, but
kiss only what she told me that I accepted, as you know, the
holy gospel from her, which I shouldn't have done.
(23:47):
So that was a big lesson. And the other lesson that's
that's come from this is that I think, yes, it's a horrible
story that happened, but I can'tbe the only dominant who's had
horror stories in the world of DSD.
(24:09):
But I don't know if it's a genetic thing where men,
especially men who identify as adominant, will not talk about
their horror stories because somehow it makes them seem less
dumbly or they're worried about being shame.
But I think one of the other little lifestyle lessons is that
just because you are a dominant and you may identify as a man,
(24:31):
you should openly talk about these sorts of things.
It shouldn't be something that that you keep bottled up or you
keep hidden. Because the more we talk about
bad things that have happened, unfortunately, the more others
can can learn from them. And I think my mistake is
obviously something that other people have done where you want
(24:55):
to to you, you know, you like the person and you want to show
that you are indeed who you say you are.
So you're so focused on making yourself open and available
during the vetting process that you don't actually do the
vetting that you should do on your own behalf.
And I guess a lesson that came out of this that happened not
(25:21):
too long after that I was getting to to know another
submissive. I was starting to tiptoe back in
the dating pool, new new home, new car and over the the the
trauma of all of this because itwas kind of a traumatic thing to
be woken up in the middle of thenight by police officers who
(25:45):
caused me immediately to think of tragedy.
And then, you know, it's car flambe.
But this submissive, she had a adominant who was her protector,
who was already in a relationship with somebody else.
And so part of her vetting process was that I had to speak
to this dominant. No problem.
(26:05):
Hey, whatever. And this dominant, who I didn't
know from Adam was like, well, you know, what's your full name?
What do you do for a living? Where do you work?
Where do you live? And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa,
you know, slow down. We just met.
I don't even know your real first name yet, you know, and I
explained what happened and why I was hesitant to share all of
(26:26):
that information with a completestranger.
And I said, you know, if things do progress with this, with this
submissive, I said, you know, for the first time when we meet
for coffee, you know, I would schedule it at a time that would
be convenient for you and your partner to to join so you could,
you know, partake in the vettingprocess.
(26:47):
And I'm happy to talk about lifestyle things, I'm happy to
talk about my career in general,and I'm happy to give you a
general idea of where I live. But as far as my full name,
we're not going to get that, youknow, over a phone or my actual
address. We're not going to do that.
And the dominant huffed and puffed and called me a fake
(27:08):
blah, blah, blah. And at that point, I excused
myself from that phone call and then excuse myself from dating
that submissive as well. So, you know, there are lessons
there and I do think, oh, what Ithought was a person coming up
behind me was actually a couple of ducks surprise.
(27:30):
So anyway, that's my Horror Story.
And the lesson is do your homework.
Don't focus so much on being, you know, proving yourself.
Be yourself, obviously be yourself, but don't stop doing
your homework on the other person while you are being open
(27:54):
and available during the vettingprocess.
So I hope you enjoyed the podcast.
I hope you didn't mind the change of scenery.
I hope you enjoyed seeing the lighthouse behind me.
And I hope this all works out where you can hear me over the
waves, the ducks and, you know, apologize again for my boat nerd
squirrel moment in the middle ofthe pod.
(28:15):
But thank you very much for giving me a listen or hopefully
a watch where you could, you know, see the surroundings that
I'm in. And it's, you know, obviously a
bit different than normal. So thank you again.
I do have a favor to ask wherever you're listening, if
you want to tap the follow button or possibly, you know, if
(28:36):
you are on YouTube, I think it'scalled the subscribe button
rather than the follow button. But all it's going to do is just
let you know whenever I have a new podcast out.
So that way you can listen in when it's convenient for you.
So I would really appreciate that and thank you again for the
listen and I look forward to chatting with you again very
soon.
Good morning everyone. Welcome to this episode of
Chatting with the Light Keeper. As always, I'm Edward and you
are you. And if you are watching this
rather than just listening to this podcast, you'll notice my
setting is a bit different than normal.
Over my shoulder here, you can see my favorite lighthouse in
the world. Unfortunately, it's now bright
(00:21):
enough out that you can't see its beacon going.
In fact, I think it might have turned off for the day.
It is sunrise. The sun is just peeking over the
Canadian coast here on Michigan sunrise side.
So obviously the setting is different.
So please bear with me if there are some glitches like I hope my
(00:45):
noise cancelling is going to work to cancel out the waves.
They are very small this morning.
In fact, you would say the wateris pretty flat, but yet there's
still a little little bit of rollers coming in.
So there is some wave noise, which I am thinking that my
little microphone here will be smart enough to filter that out.
(01:08):
But the other thing is, is I don't have a script.
I didn't bring my laptop here because, you know, sand and
electronics normally don't mix, so I'm using my noggin going
from memory. So with that said, let's jump
into things. Last week.
Well, I guess it was 2 weeks ago, 'cause this is every other
week. So the last episode we talked
(01:30):
about vetting and how important it is and how to do it.
And that conversation got me thinking.
And sometimes it's scary when I think I kind of got in my own
head a little bit and I went back to an experience that I had
many, many years ago where I focus so much on making myself
(01:51):
available to vet and doing answering, I guess all the
vetting questions that the perspective person had that she
had for me that I really didn't vet her.
And because of that, it had somevery unique consequences.
(02:11):
I did talk about this once before in a pod way back four
years ago, maybe even longer. So it's one of the original
podcasts that are out there, butthe vetting got it back in my
mind. So here we are sitting at the
beach and I'm going to share with you a vetting Horror Story
that happened to me. It's like I said, it was many
(02:34):
years ago. I met somebody online with some
great conversations about the lifestyle.
And as I say that I kind of lookaround, I can see in front of me
and using the camera behind me. But I know that there are many
people that walk the beach in the morning.
So I may have to like disconnectand then like splice and edit
(02:57):
together and come back because obviously we're talking about
something that would not necessarily be great for public
consumption anyway. So we met online, had some great
conversations, and they didn't live that far away, hour and a
half hour, 45 minutes or so fromme.
So it was kind of like, whoa, anamazing person that doesn't live
(03:19):
on the other side of the earth. So we started chatting on the
phone and doing all of that stuff.
We eventually agreed to meet andof course me being me, I suggest
a local munch to meet at, you know, safe group environment.
(03:40):
And in fact she shared that her best friend goes to that munch.
So would be even better because I would sort of have the she
would have another set of eyes and ears to listen to me to, you
know, sort of help the vetting process.
So we met at the lunch, had a great time, went out for coffee
and food afterwards and it endedup being an all night diner
(04:04):
thing and we're there for several hours.
And of course, the munch was during the week and I had to
work the next day. So the next day was a very
groggy day and one where I drankmuch coffee.
And yes, I did bring my coffee to do the podcast here at the
beach. And the conversations continue.
Now she was a parent and so thatof course limited her
(04:26):
availability. So it was, you know, we carried
on with conversations daily throughout the day.
And it was a couple weeks beforewe were able to arrange to to
meet again. And once again, because I'm me
and overly cautious, but not thinking overly cautious for
(04:47):
myself, but for her because I wanted to show that, you know, I
was, I guess, a good dominant and a thoughtful person arranged
to meet at another event in her local community.
And the best friend was of course a part of it again.
And we had a great time. We hung out, conversation went
(05:07):
late into the night. The best friend ended up
departing. So we had some alone time.
But I want to stress, alone timedidn't mean there was any hanky
panky. There was no dancing with no
pants. There was none of that.
We were literally in a hanging out in the same all night little
diner place again drinking coffee and having great
(05:28):
conversation and you know, therewas some hand holding and there
was a hug goodbye. There was not even a kiss on the
cheek. So a couple more weeks go by, we
hang out again. I would actually call it kind of
a date. That's her bestie was a part of
it early on. And then then we again just sort
(05:53):
of hung out, had coffee and thistime parted with a, you know, a
Peck on the cheek and that was it.
And so we started planning to hang out again.
And since I had gone made the travel to her neck of the woods,
she suggested for the next time that she come up to where I was
living, which sounded fantastic,right?
(06:14):
Actually time, you know, just the two of us.
We kind of threw in my mind the vetting for her.
And so we arranged to meet for dinner, and then a couple days
before we were to meet, she suggested that perhaps she could
(06:36):
spend the night with me, since we tended to have conversations
that went late and we had spent some time together.
So she expressed that she was very comfortable with that.
And This is why I made a huge mistake.
At that point, I provided her inan e-mail and also copied her
best friend with my address. You know, seems innocent enough,
(07:01):
right? And that mistake, what I should
have done was said, yeah, that'sgreat.
Go ahead, book the hotel you want, and I'll reimburse you
when you get, you know, when youarrive on Friday night.
And so that way, she could have a hotel where she did feel
uncomfortable with me. She would have a place to go
(07:21):
that she would have booked herself so I wouldn't have
noticed or wouldn't know where she was in case I turned out to
be, you know, a creep it outsideof a, you know, sort of a group
situation. So that Friday night comes, I go
to the restaurant where we were to meet, sit and wait at the bar
for hour and a half and she doesn't arrive.
(07:43):
And, and of course, you know, I called and texted a few times
and at one point I even picked up the phone, called her best
friend and said hey, where is she Is everything OK?
Best friend had supposedly no clue where she was and said, you
know, hey, I don't know what happened blah blah blah I
haven't heard. So eventually I went had dinner
(08:06):
by myself and at the end of that, you know, it'd been three
hours or so, hadn't shown up. So I figured I got stood up and
didn't hear from her all weekend, everything quiet as a
church mouse from her. And then it was later on a
(08:26):
Sunday evening. In fact, I was already already
in bed when my phone dinged witha message from her saying that a
family emergency had come up, implying that there was, you
know, a tragedy in the family and that had occupied her all
weekend. And I said, oh, you know, I
(08:48):
didn't respond to it. I was still sort of kind of
miffed about being stood up. While I understood that can
happen, you know, a simple text message, Hey, sorry, can't make
it. Something came up, explain
later, didn't happen. So I was a little upset, but I
didn't I didn't respond to the message.
I figured I'll just sleep on it and respond in the morning.
(09:09):
And when I woke up in the morning, I just thought, no, you
know, this, I, I deserve better than this.
And so as I thought about it, I'm driving to work and the best
friend calls me and the best friend says to me, look, you're
a really great person. I respect you.
(09:31):
And I think you should know thatshe went and spent the weekend
with her ex dominant. That's what happened.
And I don't want to see you get caught up in the middle of all
of it. So I thank the best friend.
And so as I got to work, I triedto connect with her.
(09:51):
I didn't. And so I just left a message
saying, hey, got your message. I hope everything's OK.
Hopefully we can talk tonight. And when we talked that evening,
I explained, you know, it was her, not me.
And I'm sorry, I'm having a squirrel moment.
And because of the sunrise, which you can see by how my face
isn't lit evenly looking right into the sun, one of the
(10:15):
American steamship lines, Great Lakes freighters, is going down
bound. I think it's the Buffalo.
Yes, it is the Buffalo, which isa river class.
It is actually bound for Cleveland, OH with a load of
what they call taconite. And that's crudely refined iron
ore that has come from Duluth orDuluth, MN.
(10:39):
Sorry, I got my states mixed up.Duluth, MN.
And it's going to Cleveland where it will turn into steel,
which will be in your new GM product.
Anyway, so back to the story. I'm sorry, I'm a boat nerd.
This is what boat nerds do. We see a freighter and we geek
out. So I apologize for that little
bit. And right now it's so big it's
(11:00):
actually blocking the sun. Anyway, so that evening we
talked and, you know, she explains that she thinks she
said it was an uncle had passed away, blah blah, blah.
And, and I just simply, you know, said, you know, I'm sorry,
this isn't going to work for me.A combination of the distance
(11:21):
and not being able to see you very often, which I understand
you have a family that comes first, but I'm looking for
something, you know, that's more, you know, more
advantageous for me. And then, you know, it's not
you, it's me. And if she didn't argue the
(11:41):
point, didn't make a fuss about it, seem to, you know, accept it
like an adult. And we ended the conversation.
And then Friday at work, this iswhere it gets really weird.
Friday at work, I go to go to leave and there are dead flowers
on the windshield of my car. And I thought, that's really
(12:03):
weird, but OK, don't know why. Maybe somebody got the wrong car
and then thought nothing more ofit.
In fact, I didn't even think back to this person and think
that they could be behind it. And then I don't know the actual
time frame. It's been a while, but sound
(12:25):
asleep, middle of the week and Ihear a pounding on.
I was living in an apartment at the time, pounding on an
apartment door. And I'm like, jeez, in the
apartment complex where I lived was all pretty much young
professionals, which meant that,you know, yes, the weekends
might occasionally get a little rowdy here and there, but during
(12:46):
the week it was, you know, a, a,a church mouse would find it,
you know, overly quiet. And I'm like, who the heck is,
you know, hammering and poundingon a door, you know, on whatever
weeknight it was. And then the light bulbs kind of
goes in my off in my head as I start to wake up, that's maybe
my door. And so get up, throw some
(13:09):
clothes on. And as I'm approaching the door,
I hear the unmistakable sound ofpolice radios.
And I'm like, oh, boy. And of course, my mind goes to a
terrible place because in college, I answered the door at
A at a friend's one time. And there was a state trooper
there who was there to inform myfriend that there had been a
(13:32):
tragic car accident, but we won't get it.
That's, of course, where my mindimmediately went when I saw 2-2
police officers there. And they asked me if I own such
and such a car. And I said, yeah.
And the officer says, well, you need to come with us because he
goes I, it's better if you just see it.
I'm like, OK, so the car I had was a little sporty convertible
(13:57):
and we get outside and it. So since it was sporty, it had a
manual transmission. And rather than put on the
parking brake, I just would put it in gear when I parked it.
Well, my car had been lit on fire.
The interior had been lit on fire, and that fire had burned
through the ignition wires, causing the car to actually
(14:21):
start. And since it started and was in
gear, it took off over a little hill and down the road of the
apartment complex where it came to rest against a tree, flaming
and of course, was fully engulfed by the time the fire
department was called. Who put it out?
And so, you know, here's my car completely gutted and destroyed.
(14:48):
And talking to the police officers, they're like, you
know, do you have, you know, somebody in your life that's
angry at you, somebody that's upset, You know, normally
something like this, while it could just be completely random,
is, is linked to something, you know, where you have somebody
who's out to get you. And I honestly, I didn't think
(15:11):
at the time, I did have anybody that was out to get me or do
anything nefarious in my life. And so they chalked it up as
random. But the police officer did say
that they were going to actuallycode this out as a dumpster
fire. Kid you not, they they're the
police codes. They put it in as a dumpster
fire. So when the local newspaper
published reports of police and fire calls, they would only see
(15:34):
dumpster fire. They wouldn't see car fire
because the officer said that way if somebody does come
forward with a story, there won't be somebody who is just a
crank who looked at the newspaper and said wanted to say
that they lit this car on fire. So that happens.
And so the next day call in sickto work and go buy a new car.
(15:59):
And in fact, it's the first timeI bought a new brand new car.
So that was kind of kind of the,the, the cool part of it.
I got my first new car, not I didn't buy something second hand
or used. So I got my first new car and I
decided not to tell a soul what had happened.
(16:21):
I just simply, when somebody noticed, I like, I didn't even
say, hey, I bought a new car. When somebody saw me with the
new car, they're like, hey, is that your car?
I'm like, yeah, you know, the old one, you know, is just, it
was giving up the ghost. I needed to replace the clutch
and I thought rather than do that, it's time just to get a
new car. So went out, did that, got a new
(16:44):
car, everything seemed fine, hunky Dory.
And then the next weird thing happens, it's two weeks into
this, I get Adm and it's from this, you know, the person that
I had a few dates with and that doesn't say how are you or
(17:07):
what's new, anything like that. It just says, I'm sorry to hear
about your car. Now, since I've told no one, I
immediately know that this is who did it and really sort of
freaked me out in a sense, it was Adm.
The beautiful thing is I was able to catch my breath before I
(17:28):
responded to it and I just responded and said no, my my
car's fine. I and, and this is here's the
other unique part of this. Previous to getting the new car,
one of my neighbors had the exact same car as myself.
So I decide to not say, oh, but I got a new car or anything like
(17:51):
that. I just simply said, oh, no, my
car's fine. I said my neighbor's car got lit
on fire. You're kind of pissed off about
it and don't have any idea who did it, but mine's fine.
And so that was that was the endof time.
Like there was no reply to that like like, oh, or wow, or that's
(18:14):
crazy. Literally nothing.
And that's where the story ends.I have a new car.
I know who did it. I don't know why.
Really weird. Still to this day I, it baffles
me why somebody would do that. I just thank my lucky stars that
(18:35):
it happened and I was actually in a place to get a new car and
you know, everything just it worked out really kind of for
the best for me. It was the motivation to, you
know, get the new car that I needed.
So it was in fact I was driving a ton for work and so that my
(18:58):
flaming car had been put throughthe put through the ringer so to
speak. Now, the first question everyone
asks, why didn't I go to the police with this?
And the reason why I decided notto was I was moving in a couple
of weeks, actually less than a week, had a new car.
(19:22):
And I knew that she had kids. And that was the big factor I
didn't want to see, even though in my mind very deserving of a
stint in jail for it. I didn't want to see that happen
because she did have kids. So I didn't I, I know I was
(19:42):
moving, so I knew that the move would mean she wouldn't know
where to find me if this was to continue or escalate.
Coupled with that move, I got a new phone number and you know,
of course, applied all the appropriate blocks online.
But the big thing I took away from it.
And the first time I I told the story to some friends in the
(20:06):
lifestyle, they're like, but youdidn't do anything wrong.
And the more I thought about it,yeah, I did.
I didn't vet her. I was so focused on being and
proving that I was worthy that Idid not look at her.
I didn't really vet her. Like I had an idea where she
(20:31):
lived, but I, I don't know, you know, as curiosity killed the
cat After this, I did deploy some Google searches and, and
found that she didn't live in the town that she said she did,
digging deeper into her profile.I didn't even do that.
I didn't even dig into the profile.
(20:52):
And most profiles you can on lifestyle sites, you can see
where they make changes, you know, or you comment on
somebody's picture. And I would have seen where she
was in and out of a relationshiprepeatedly with the same person,
which was a few hours, even farther S than that.
(21:15):
So that would have also been a red flag that she's been
recently out of a relationship, but was continuously like ping
ponging in the relationship withthem out of the relationship in
the relationship of the relationship.
That would have been that would have been a huge red flag, you
know, not saying where you're from after, you know, meeting a
(21:35):
few times, another red flag. And I never even, you know,
really dug into questions as faras, you know, I knew what she
said she did for her career, butI don't know if that's true
because I never followed it up. So it was a big failure on my
part to do any sort of vetting and I didn't even, you know,
(21:58):
think to ask. Obviously she was still spending
time with her, her former dominant.
And I never like would circle back to say, you know, Oh yeah,
over the weekend you said you went to the water park with your
kids. What was it like?
Or, you know, do any sort of like the little the little cross
checks you can do with with withvetting.
(22:18):
And I I apologize for the the the lighting on my face, 1/2
being bright, 1/2 being dark. And and that's walking sea golf
that wants to join the conversation, apparently.
I perhaps might have set my camera at a bad angle for that
with the the sunrise, but I wanted to get the lighthouse in
the background. So hey, it's the trade off.
(22:41):
It's my first time doing this outdoors so.
So I do hope that you'll extend me a little grace there.
But yeah, I didn't do anything wrong and it was a huge life
lesson for me on trust, you know, up and tell them.
And in fact, I still might be overly trusting in in some ways
(23:03):
where I don't, where I extend maybe more trust than I should
to someone who is new to me. But now that I've matured and
grown, I don't think that's a bad thing.
I actually think that's a that'sa good thing to to have.
But yeah, I I didn't do my homework on her.
(23:24):
I made myself available through everything out there.
So in this case, she knew where to find me, where I worked on
the schedule, I worked all the stuff and I knew really, but
kiss only what she told me that I accepted, as you know, the
holy gospel from her, which I shouldn't have done.
(23:47):
So that was a big lesson. And the other lesson that's
that's come from this is that I think, yes, it's a horrible
story that happened, but I can'tbe the only dominant who's had
horror stories in the world of DSD.
(24:09):
But I don't know if it's a genetic thing where men,
especially men who identify as adominant, will not talk about
their horror stories because somehow it makes them seem less
dumbly or they're worried about being shame.
But I think one of the other little lifestyle lessons is that
just because you are a dominant and you may identify as a man,
(24:31):
you should openly talk about these sorts of things.
It shouldn't be something that that you keep bottled up or you
keep hidden. Because the more we talk about
bad things that have happened, unfortunately, the more others
can can learn from them. And I think my mistake is
obviously something that other people have done where you want
(24:55):
to to you, you know, you like the person and you want to show
that you are indeed who you say you are.
So you're so focused on making yourself open and available
during the vetting process that you don't actually do the
vetting that you should do on your own behalf.
And I guess a lesson that came out of this that happened not
(25:21):
too long after that I was getting to to know another
submissive. I was starting to tiptoe back in
the dating pool, new new home, new car and over the the the
trauma of all of this because itwas kind of a traumatic thing to
be woken up in the middle of thenight by police officers who
(25:45):
caused me immediately to think of tragedy.
And then, you know, it's car flambe.
But this submissive, she had a adominant who was her protector,
who was already in a relationship with somebody else.
And so part of her vetting process was that I had to speak
to this dominant. No problem.
(26:05):
Hey, whatever. And this dominant, who I didn't
know from Adam was like, well, you know, what's your full name?
What do you do for a living? Where do you work?
Where do you live? And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa,
you know, slow down. We just met.
I don't even know your real first name yet, you know, and I
explained what happened and why I was hesitant to share all of
(26:26):
that information with a completestranger.
And I said, you know, if things do progress with this, with this
submissive, I said, you know, for the first time when we meet
for coffee, you know, I would schedule it at a time that would
be convenient for you and your partner to to join so you could,
you know, partake in the vettingprocess.
(26:47):
And I'm happy to talk about lifestyle things, I'm happy to
talk about my career in general,and I'm happy to give you a
general idea of where I live. But as far as my full name,
we're not going to get that, youknow, over a phone or my actual
address. We're not going to do that.
And the dominant huffed and puffed and called me a fake
(27:08):
blah, blah, blah. And at that point, I excused
myself from that phone call and then excuse myself from dating
that submissive as well. So, you know, there are lessons
there and I do think, oh, what Ithought was a person coming up
behind me was actually a couple of ducks surprise.
(27:30):
So anyway, that's my Horror Story.
And the lesson is do your homework.
Don't focus so much on being, you know, proving yourself.
Be yourself, obviously be yourself, but don't stop doing
your homework on the other person while you are being open
(27:54):
and available during the vettingprocess.
So I hope you enjoyed the podcast.
I hope you didn't mind the change of scenery.
I hope you enjoyed seeing the lighthouse behind me.
And I hope this all works out where you can hear me over the
waves, the ducks and, you know, apologize again for my boat nerd
squirrel moment in the middle ofthe pod.
(28:15):
But thank you very much for giving me a listen or hopefully
a watch where you could, you know, see the surroundings that
I'm in. And it's, you know, obviously a
bit different than normal. So thank you again.
I do have a favor to ask wherever you're listening, if
you want to tap the follow button or possibly, you know, if
(28:36):
you are on YouTube, I think it'scalled the subscribe button
rather than the follow button. But all it's going to do is just
let you know whenever I have a new podcast out.
So that way you can listen in when it's convenient for you.
So I would really appreciate that and thank you again for the
listen and I look forward to chatting with you again very
soon.
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