August 7, 2024 • 32 mins
Imagine feeling consumed by self-doubt and past trauma, only to discover a path to self-acceptance and healing. That's exactly what we explore in this episode as I share my personal journey through the ups and downs of battling bipolar disorder, grappling with broken relationships, and ultimately finding strength in faith and genuine connections. Through candid reflections, we'll tackle how self-destructive behaviors often mask deeper issues and the pivotal moments that catalyze transformation.
Have you ever experienced how a failed relationship can lead to both physical and emotional turmoil? I recount a period in my life where a drastic physical change couldn't fill the void of heartbreak, leading to a cycle of bitterness and emotional manipulation. It wasn't until a special person showed me genuine care that I began to realize the importance of seeking help and becoming a better person for my children. This episode underscores the power of accountability and love in the healing process, turning self-destruction into a journey of self-improvement.
Finding true happiness and self-worth isn’t easy, especially when dealing with mental health struggles. I delve into the profound impact of a children's book, "You Are Special" by Max Lucado, which led to a spiritual reawakening and a commitment to change. We'll discuss the importance of genuine friendships, forgiveness, and therapy in expressing and alleviating emotional pain. By sharing my personal experiences, I aim to ensure that no one feels alone in their struggles and to highlight the human need to share and heal from our hurts. Join me on this heartfelt journey to uncover the transformative power of faith and self-acceptance.
Thank you for listening 💞 You are loved You are enough You are NOT alone You were built for this.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You better check yourself before you break
yourself.
You better check yourselfbefore you break yourself.
To those that I've hurt in thepast.
I'm very sorry.
I played that role in yourjourney and, although I have
apologized to those peopleindividually, I felt like I
needed to say it on here becauseI am retelling the story.
(00:21):
Retelling the story Today'sepisode was a hard episode for
me to record and it was hard toput my thoughts into words in a
way where I could share some ofmy story without disrespecting
others in my life.
Everyone that has had a role inme becoming who I am today is
someone that I love dearly, andI will never speak bad or
negatively about any of them.
I want to always maintain myhonesty with all of you, and the
(00:43):
role in my journey is not mystory to tell.
The purpose of this is not toallow yourself to hold back,
even if you are uncomfortable,inconvenienced and doubtful.
They're to dream like a littlekid before they knew pain and
started accepting the judgmentfrom an imperfect world.
I hope y'all enjoy this allover the place episode.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
Hey, what's up you guys?
Welcome back to Check Yourselfwith Harley.
Thank you for being here withme today and I pray that today
has been a good day for you.
Even if it wasn't, that it'llturn around.
Today's episode is about selfdoubt and how it can hold us
back, and I thought this wouldbe a good time for me to tell
you guys my story, a little bitof it, a compact version of it.
(01:27):
The reason why I wanted to dothis is because I've been
struggling with self-doubt.
I realized how many times Ihave held myself back in life
because I doubt myself.
I don't have the faith to dowhat I am meant to do.
(01:48):
I have a life coach, mentor,friend who I love so much and
she has a podcast.
It's the Bella Grace podcast.
I'll link it below on YouTube,so you should check her out.
She's really great.
She had an episode where she wastalking about your purpose how
(02:10):
a lot of times our purpose arerelated to, like our childhood
dreams.
That was kind of when I wasworking on my podcasting and I
thought it was crazy how, when Iwas little, I've always loved
helping people.
I've had all of these qualitieswhen I was a little kid.
That were actually really great.
(02:31):
But you grow up and you kind oflike lose your innocence.
Life doesn't seem easy, andthen you start worrying about
like grown up things and thosedreams are gone because you tell
yourself you'll never be ableto accomplish that, I will never
be a singer or I'll never be an.
Tell yourself you'll never beable to accomplish that, I will
never be a singer, or I'll neverbe an actress, I'll never be
president, I'll never be alawyer, and those things kind of
(02:51):
go away as you get older and Ithink life experiences and
things that we go through makeus also become doubtful of what
we are capable of.
I started to tell myself that Iwasn't qualified to do this
because I went to college butdidn't finish.
I felt like I have failed at somany things, so why add one
(03:14):
more?
I just didn't see the point.
Self-doubt is often us tellingourselves what we are able to do
and not having faith and trust.
If you are just starting off,improve things in your life or
kind of make changes, I don'twant you to quit just because
you start doubting yourself.
(03:35):
Because sometimes when westumble we think, okay, well,
we've already messed it up, sowe might as well, just stop and
then we don't know what couldhave been.
Let's discuss self-doubt.
Let's find out what things aremaking us doubt ourselves.
Let's work understanding why wehave those doubts, maybe having
some faith that our historydoes not determine our destiny.
(03:58):
I started to have doubts because, as I've discussed, we all know
that I have the bipolar.
Because, as I've discussed, weall know that I have the bipolar
.
But it is something that I tryto be conscious of because of
the different symptoms and stuff.
One of the symptoms for whenyou have mania in bipolar and
it's the mania and it's thedepression.
(04:18):
So it's like two differentspectrums.
I'm not a doctor so I'm notgoing to go into full detail,
but that's what you live with.
You either are super high oryou're super low, but there is
different extremes.
I've personally neverexperienced a grandiosity
extreme which is basically youfeel like you're bigger than
life or you're like God, or it'sall kinds of like different
(04:41):
things.
But this is something I haveprayed over.
I wanted guidance.
I have not ever taken guidancefrom anyone in my life.
Now I go to the person I trustthe most in this world, which is
God.
I pray for pretty much anythingthat I need help with.
I wanted to help others.
(05:03):
I've actually.
I have tried to go to schoolfor being a police officer.
I have tried to go to schoolfor counseling, like to be a
counselor, to be a social workerand just anything to help
people.
I truly honestly, have alwayshad a lot of love for people,
(05:24):
especially people who go throughthings in life.
I prayed on it.
I asked God to use me inwhichever way he thought would
be best.
So when I started to havedoubts about myself, I started
to wonder oh my gosh, am I likegoing through a manic episode
and I just think I'm like thissuper helpful person and you
know, god's telling me to dothis thing or you know whatever.
(05:47):
I check myself and make surethat I do everything for the
right reasons and not for, like,self-serving reasons, but for
reasons other than myself,outside of myself.
So with this it was kind of thesame thing.
Trigger warning I will bediscussing suicide on this
episode.
So if that's something youstruggle with or don't really
(06:09):
want to hear about, then totallyunderstand.
I really appreciate y'alllistening up to this point.
I love you.
You won't hurt my feelings ifyou click off.
Years ago I had a person that Ithought was my friend.
I remember I was talking tothem about something I was going
through.
They said to me you know,you're a very negative person.
(06:30):
I don't want that in my lifebecause I'm in this point in my
life.
I respected that and I don'tfault this person for saying
this and those were theirboundaries.
I have to respect andunderstand that.
But it did something in me andit was one of those things that
kind of stuck with me.
I actually never told anyonewhat I dealt with ever again,
(06:54):
not even the people that havebeen closest to me.
I had a friend that I've knownfor 12 years and she did not
know the extent of what I wasgoing through until my
engagement party a couple yearsago and I had a lot of
celebration drinks and I wasopening up to her.
(07:16):
That was one of the first timesI discussed it with anyone.
Ever again I will tell you thatisolation.
Ever again I will tell you thatisolation whether you have
mental illness or have trauma oryou're dealing with anything in
your life, it's probably theworst thing you can do to
yourself is isolate, becausethen you're just carrying that
(07:37):
around all alone.
There's no one there to helpyou lighten the load, and
sometimes we close off to evenpeople who are willing to carry
that load with us.
The reason why I want to tellyou my story is because I want
you to understand where I amcoming from and why I wanted to
(07:58):
do this and why.
Now I don't doubt myself indoing this.
I was raised by a single mom.
We came here when I was 10.
We came from Colombia Well, Iguess back a little bit Back in
Colombia.
My dad left when I was two.
My mom raised me and shebrought me here.
She got married.
(08:19):
Since I was a little kid I hadalways wanted a dad because
everyone else had one, so Iwanted one too.
We came here.
Unfortunately, that marriagedid not work for my mom and so
it was me and her again just us.
She eventually met somebody whoI really learned to love as a
dad.
(08:39):
That was probably the closestthing I had to a father figure.
Unfortunately, that person didvery bad things, hurt my family
a lot.
I was I think I was a freshmanin high school when this
happened.
It was a big thing Police, swat, all of the stuff.
It was really known that I hadgone through this like at school
(08:59):
, and that's when my mentalhealth started to like really
deteriorate.
By the time I was 15, Iattempted suicide for the first
time.
Of course, back then I wasn'tdiagnosed anything, because it's
really hard to diagnose bipolardisorder.
Now I was getting older so Ithought, okay, well, if I'm not
(09:20):
going to have dad which I hadaccepted at this point I figured
I would find this love that Iwas looking for through a man,
and I thought the way to do thatwould be to be physical with a
man.
So that's what I did, and Istarted being sexually active at
15.
It was in a very reckless way.
(09:41):
It wasn't because I cared aboutsomeone, it was just because I
was looking for someone, andthat shaped the way that I look
at physical contact, which sucks.
I moved out of my house and Ithought I was grown.
You know, that did not work outvery well.
I pretty much kept looking forthat love, but like, not.
(10:01):
It was like I wanted it, but Iwas scared of it too.
I ended up getting pregnant.
So at this point I have fourvery small kids.
I am very young.
I think I was like I don't know25.
I am a single mom and I am justworking all the time and I'm
stressed, frustrated and,instead of like focusing on my
(10:22):
kids, I'm still trying to focuson filling this void that I
carry and I keep thinking it's,it's, it's a man, it's a person
that's supposed to fill it.
I start dating at this point.
My son is six months old and Imeet somebody.
I started dating this person.
I date this person for a yearand I was thinking this is a
(10:42):
good, healthy relationship,because I was very against
living with someone because Ihave daughters.
I didn't want to just be likebringing men in and out.
I wanted to make sure it wouldbe something.
So after a year of dating, Iwas thinking this is going to be
good and this is what I've beensearching for and all that.
(11:03):
And I found out he had a wholenother life outside of me.
It was really heartbreaking forme.
That was definitely a hardthing that I went through
because I was thinking that Iwas like so in love and sadly it
was because I loved that hedidn't want to just be physical
(11:25):
with me.
He liked me for me, which issad Again, from the way that I
looked at physical contact OnceI found this out.
I was heartbroken.
I just I kind of started tolose hope and I felt like I was
not even worth anything Like myworth lied on a person.
So I figured I just need tolook better.
(11:47):
He just he's so good lookingand if I looked better maybe he
will love me and maybe he willbe with me.
And so I went on like thisfitness journey, got in shape
and lost all this weight,started carrying myself
differently and all of thisstuff.
I've always loved gettingdressed up, but this was like
(12:09):
that times a thousand.
After doing all of that, I hadskin removal surgery because I
lost so much weight and I hadexcess skin and all that.
Even after all that, I did notget the guy.
I was still alone.
I was still bitter, miserable,sad all the time.
I figured you know what I looklike, this now, and that will
never happen to me again.
I decided I was going to be thecrappiest version of myself
(12:34):
that I could be and wasn'tnobody ever going to hurt me,
ever again.
And now this time, instead ofpeople playing with me, I
started playing with people andtheir feelings, playing mind
games, and I started to think itwas just hilarious to have
people want to be with me and mejust not be with them, never
(12:54):
planning on pursuing anythingwith them.
I was just a terrible person,like.
I truly think back to who Iused to be and it's just truly
sad that I let my pain and myhurt turn me into something that
I truly disliked.
And it wasn't just.
It wasn't just man, it was just, in general, I started to feel
(13:16):
like superior in some way.
My heart was growing hatefuland cold, which is, you know,
sad to think about, because I, Ihonestly, have always had a
really big heart and I can saythat now truly have always had a
lot of compassion and love forpeople.
But I started to let my lifeexperiences start to turn me
(13:39):
into a cold, mean person.
Eventually I met someone, ofcourse, because even though I
was mean and I was out here tohurt the world, I still wanted
someone to love me.
So I met someone and we starteddating and I thought, okay,
this is the one and it's funnybecause this person is actually
a very great person had, youknow, came from a really great
(14:04):
family, had gone to school, Iwas able to have like
conversations aboutnon-superficial things and it
was like, okay, this is this,has got to be it.
This, this is it.
But I was not in the rightplace for this person.
It's like you ask for somethingover and over again.
(14:24):
At one point in my life I usedto just be so angry at God
because I've always believed butone I never knew how God's love
works truly.
Two, I blamed all of my lifechoices on God, all of the
consequences I was dealing with.
I was blaming him and I wouldthink, like, how can you let all
(14:46):
this happen to me?
Like, how much stuff does oneperson have to go through?
I mean, I'm only 20, whatever.
And come on, man, although Ifelt that way, I also knew that
I was wrong, or even thinkingthat, because it was my life
choices, and there's adifference between being
accountable for the mistakesthat you make, beating yourself
up for them.
So I would.
(15:07):
I wasn't holding myselfaccountable, I was just feeling
sorry for myself and throwingmyself little pity parties about
everything that was going on,not truly being accountable, and
I would just beat myself up.
It was just a vicious cycle.
So this person I met, I,although I thought they were it,
I successfully, completelytreated them like crap and did
(15:31):
horrible things and that'ssomething I had to live with for
well, I'll have to live with itforever and it was a process
for me to forgive myself for it,because at that point I felt
like I deserved anything.
I got after that, after the waythat I was to this person, but
this person was a huge part inmy life.
(15:54):
As far as me getting help, veryshortly after I met them, I
went into very, very deepdepression and I'm talking I
wouldn't even get out the bed.
They had to literally help meshower, help me eat, things like
that and this was for like twoweeks straight, and this is
someone I had just starteddating.
This person loved and cared forme.
(16:16):
I looked for help.
I looked for help to improve myrelationship with my kids, more
than anything, because at thatpoint I had completely messed my
relationship with my kids up.
I felt like I was a terriblemom.
I didn't want to be that.
I wanted my kids to love me.
I wanted to be a better mom andthat was really my driving
(16:37):
force to begin to get help wasmy kids, because I knew I was
just going down a very long, notgood road.
I started to see therapists.
I started to see a psychiatrist.
That's when I was diagnosed.
But even diagnosed, I did notfully accept it.
I kept thinking like they don'tknow what they're talking about
.
I would get on meds, get offthe meds, I would feel better
(16:58):
and I would just think there'snothing wrong with me.
And inside I literally feltlike I wanted to die.
I would pray at night to die,to not wake up, and when I would
wake up I would just feel likeagain.
That was my thought and I justfelt tired.
I tried to improve who I was,for the person I was with.
(17:20):
It became so exhausting.
I felt like I was trying to besomeone else for somebody else.
I didn't want to do it.
It was too hard and it waseasier for me to just be the
piece of crap that I had become.
So I went back to my old waysand decided I was better off
alone because cause that's whatI was comfortable with I had
done it for years, so I justrather be alone.
(17:42):
And then I met somebody.
This was truly.
You know how they always saywhen you're not looking, you
will find the person, orwhatever.
I truly was not looking.
I was wanting to date and I waswanting to go back to that fun
and that's fun, quote unquotelife of being single and like
partying and meeting differentpeople and dating.
(18:03):
I went on one date with thisperson.
It was extremely different fromanything I had ever been on.
I thought that they didn't likeme because they respected me,
which is sad but true.
They respected me enough to atthe end of the movie, they took
me to my car, gave me a hug andwe went our separate ways.
(18:25):
I continued to date this person.
I eventually ended up with thisperson and I realized how
miserable I was still on theinside.
It was then that I realizedthat this boy that I kept trying
to fill with other people, itwas never going to be filled by
them because it wasn't anythingto do with people and it was
everything to do with me.
(18:46):
I don't believe that you can'tlove someone if you don't love
yourself, but you definitelycannot accept love if you don't
love yourself.
I kept thinking at the timethat I am supposed to be the
happiest.
Like I'm engaged, I'm going toget married.
I have dreamed of gettingmarried my whole life.
At the time I'm planning mywedding.
(19:07):
I'm literally wanting to die.
I just want to.
I want it to be over.
So I canceled my wedding.
For years I have thought it'smy mom's fault.
I canceled my wedding, it'sthis person's fault, it's that
person's fault.
I blamed it on everyone else.
Except the fact that I wasliterally a miserable person on
(19:28):
the inside.
My husband and I decided that wewanted to have a baby and so we
got pregnant.
I lost my daughter.
That pregnancy was very hard onus so we decided we were going
to wait.
We waited a while.
I was going to counseling and Ihad stopped.
Once I lost my daughter I gotpregnant again.
So I went back to counselingbecause at this point I am
(19:50):
literally just dreading wakingup.
It's not even like a, it's likea.
I am literally just distraughtthat I just woke up again.
So I go to counseling and I metmy angel in life.
I owe this woman so much.
I have told her thank you, butI don't think she'll ever know
(20:11):
the impact she made in my lifefor the rest of my life.
So I would go and I would talkto her because I couldn't be on
medication, because I waspregnant and I'd never had a
counselor help me, a therapisthelp me the way she did, and I
knew there was somethingdifferent, but I just didn't
understand what it was.
And she had like real care andreal compassion for me.
(20:31):
She loved me Like I care andreal compassion for me.
She loved me Like I could feelthat she loved me.
So as I was getting near the endof my pregnancy, I was scared
because I already knew that Iwasn't well.
Still, my daughter was kind oflike my safety net.
I was carrying her, but reallyshe was carrying us because I
knew I wouldn't do something tomyself as long as my child was
(20:54):
depending on me.
And it's us because I knew Iwouldn't do something to myself
as long as my child wasdepending on me.
And it's not because I don'tlove my other kids, because I
love all my kids, but it'sbecause I had thought so poorly
of myself that I thought that mykids didn't need me.
I thought they have dads, theywill be fine and they don't need
me.
And my daughter, she has herdad, she's not going to need me
either.
Nobody needs me.
(21:14):
Like the world is better offwith me not being here.
And again it's back to thatfeeling like a burden, feeling
like the sadness in someone'slife.
And these are people that youlove.
I used to always say no oneunderstands.
I never tried to explain, theyonly understood as much as they
saw.
But nobody knew the extent ofthe pain that I was carrying.
(21:35):
I had my daughter.
I had this overwhelming feelingthat I wasn't going to make it
past the year.
I started to really really feellike it was over.
I just couldn't do it anymore.
I knew I wasn't going to beable to do it anymore.
So I knew it was the end.
I knew it was the end and Iwasn't going to be able to do it
anymore.
I attempted suicide twice inone week, the week before my
(21:57):
therapist had read me this book.
It's a book that I keep up hereand the name of the book is you
Are Special.
It's by Max Lucado.
He has other books, like awhole series, and it's a kid's
book, but it talks about loveand it talks about how you're
seen through the eyes of God.
(22:18):
Now it doesn't say God on thebook and she didn't tell me that
.
But when she read it to me itjust changed something inside of
me.
But mentally I was stilldestroyed on the inside in my
head, but in the book it's alittle wooden person and they
had boxes of stickers.
(22:38):
If you had ugly parts or if youwere just chipped paint or if
you were silly and things likethat, then you would get a dot
sticker.
And if you were pretty and ifyou were good, you would get a
star sticker.
He goes to see what they callthe maker.
The maker tells him oh, I see,you have some, you've get a star
sticker.
He goes to see what they callthe maker.
The maker tells him oh, I see,you have some.
You've gotten some bad marks.
(22:58):
And he says to the maker Ididn't mean to Eli, I really
tried hard At this point thatshe's reading this book to me.
I truly had been doing mydangest to improve, to change.
I can't tell you how much I hadchanged at this point, but I
couldn't see it because of mypain, my doubt I wasn't doing it
(23:20):
the right way, I wasn't takingthe necessary steps to get rid
of the pain.
I was putting band-aids on mypain and band-aids on, you know,
denial of my mental health andnot accepting it and trying to
hide it and not talking toanyone, hiding myself.
And so he says to him and I'llread just a very short part
Punchinello.
(23:40):
That's the little woodencharacter Punchinello.
I don't care what other we mixthink, and he says you don't.
He said no and you shouldn'teither.
What they think doesn't matter,and all that matters is what I
think, and I think that you'repretty special.
He goes on to tell him how muchhe loves him because he made
him.
(24:00):
After I did what I did, I wentto church the following Sunday
because at that point I knewthat something different needed
to change.
A spiritual journey is verypersonal.
I respect anywhere you are inyour life.
With that, I'm simply sharingmy journey and how I got to
where I am.
I went to church and I remembermy pastor saying if you're here
(24:23):
, you're here for a reason,because if you or you're here
for a purpose, sorry, because ifyou weren't, you wouldn't be
here anymore and God's not donewith you.
It was that day that I wastruly saved.
I raised my hand and I lovethat they do it with our eyes
closed, because no one waswatching and no one knew this.
I think this is actually thisis probably the second time I've
(24:45):
told this.
The first time was with mychurch group.
It was private and it wassomething that I wanted to do
the right way, give it my all,truly.
For once in my life, I wanted tochange drastically, not just
baby step into my changes, notgive myself excuses, not feel
sorry, not put it on my mentalhealth, but truly find ways to
(25:09):
make myself better.
It's been difficult.
There has been a lot of thingsthat I have walked through,
especially this year.
This year has been one of thehardest years of my life, but
it's also been the best year ofmy life because I was able to
learn what true love is, what itreally means to love.
(25:30):
I was able to understandforgiveness for others, for
myself.
I was able to understand that Iam not perfect and that's okay.
And I finally understoodfriendship.
I understood what it was liketo not walk alone anymore.
I have so many great friendsthat I love so much and they
(25:51):
it's not surface level we talkabout like real stuff and we
love each other through it andwe tell each other the truth,
but with love and kindness, andwe lift each other up and we
help dust each other off.
With what I've walked through, Inever wanted someone to be in
the place that I was at.
I never wanted someone to feelthat loneliness, feel like they
(26:13):
couldn't talk about it, feellike they couldn't come to
someone.
Because going through something, feeling pain, that's not being
negative, that's being human,wanting to be able to share that
with someone, at least just toget it out.
That's why therapy is so, sohelpful, because we get to just
get it out.
We don't have to carry it withus everywhere we go.
(26:36):
We get a break.
We get to just express whatwe're feeling, without judgment.
I want to share what I'm goingthrough so that you don't have
to feel like you are the onlyperson going through it, so that
you don't have to feel like youare a crappy person, because
you are not.
You just have lived life andit's hard and it hurts, and some
(26:59):
of that hurt sits and sometimeswe don't know what to do with
it or where to put it or likehow to even start fixing it.
Like, how do you, how do youstart doing something that
you've never seen before, thatyou don't know anything about?
You don't know where to start.
I used to hate the fact that Ihave to live with bipolar, but
I'm so thankful because that'swhat made me get help.
(27:21):
That's what made me open myeyes to the fact that I was not
well and I needed to change andnot just change medicine and not
just change boyfriend.
I needed to change me because Ineeded to be someone that I
could love, so that I could thenaccept love from other people.
Because I needed to be someonethat my kids can look up to and
(27:45):
if my daughter fights with me,then I can be someone that knows
I've done my best.
She is going to need space andit'll be fine and not to beat
myself up and think, well, I'm acrappy mom anyway.
So you know and just go downthat rabbit hole.
I told you guys at thebeginning of the episode.
This is about self-doubt and itis because I doubted myself in
(28:08):
everything in my life.
I doubted that I was a good mom.
I doubted that I loved otherpeople.
I doubted that I was a goodperson.
I doubted that I had a bigheart.
I doubted that I was a goodperson.
I doubted that I had a bigheart.
I doubted that I couldaccomplish anything.
I doubted anyone could everlove me.
I doubted that anyone liked me.
Past the physical.
I literally have doubted mywhole life, everything, every
(28:32):
step of the way, and I strugglewith it.
But the difference now is thatI can recognize that and I can
take a step back and remindmyself of how far I have come.
I never want you guys to thinkthis is me telling you I'm
perfect, I've got it alltogether, because I don't.
My life is not perfect, farfrom it, and I struggle.
I actually will probably alwaysstruggle because my brain likes
(28:57):
to play tricks with me andthat's hard.
So I have to be very, veryself-conscious, or conscious of
myself, not self-conscious.
The message I want you to takeaway from this today is one stop
doubting yourself, becauseyou're holding yourself back,
and that's from improving inyour life, improving in your
relationships, improving withyour career, because there's a
(29:18):
promotion, but you think youknow I didn't get it last time,
or I am not as knowledgeable asI think I am, and that's doubt.
I don't want to take a chanceon this new job because what if
this XYZ happens?
I don't want to take a chanceon going to school for a
different career, because maybethis will happen.
(29:40):
You're doubting yourself,you're not giving yourself a
chance to prove yourself wrong.
The second point I want you totake away is that you aren't
alone, and now, that wasn't partof what the episode is, but you
don't have to be alone.
I hope that me sharing my story, my life, will help you have
faith in your story and in yourown life and let you see that
(30:01):
you aren't alone.
The things that you think about,the things that you wonder, the
questions you ask yourself youaren't alone in them.
A lot of us ask ourselvesdifferent questions, but we're
also afraid to show someone elsethat maybe we're not perfect or
maybe we are going to perceivethis negative or that we're a
burden.
If no one else has told you,you aren't alone.
(30:23):
And I am here showing you allof my ugly and showing you that,
even with all of that, I knowall of my beautiful too.
They make all of me.
I wouldn't be who I am if itwasn't for everything I've gone
through.
I've just had to learn to adaptit so that I can be who I am
today, so that I could lovemyself, so that I could forgive
(30:44):
myself and give myself somegrace.
I am going to end withsomething I read today Blessed
is the one who perseveres undertrial because, having stood the
test, that person will receivethe crown of life the Lord has
promised to those who love him,james 1, 12.
If you guys are someone or knowsomeone who's struggling, with
(31:07):
suicidal thoughts, feelings ofworthlessness, feeling tired.
Please seek help, either fromsomebody you love and trust or
seek help from a therapist.
Just find you somewhere whereyou can relieve some of that
pain.
One of the worst things you cando when you're dealing with
these feelings is keeping themto yourself.
(31:27):
The National Suicide Hotline is988.
Don't go through this journeyalone, guys.
Don't sell yourself short.
Don't be so scared to fail thatyou don't begin what you know
that you are meant to do, whatyou are here to do.
You are way stronger than yougive yourself credit for.
I love you guys so much.
(31:47):
I'm sorry this was such a longepisode, but I am so happy to
have you here with me at the endof this.
I'm thankful for you.
Please remember that you arelove, you are enough and you are
never alone.
I love you, guys, and I'll seeyou next week.
You better check yourselfbefore you break yourself.
You better check yourselfbefore you break yourself.
You better check yourself before you break
yourself.
You better check yourselfbefore you break yourself.
To those that I've hurt in thepast.
I'm very sorry.
I played that role in yourjourney and, although I have
apologized to those peopleindividually, I felt like I
needed to say it on here becauseI am retelling the story.
(00:21):
Retelling the story Today'sepisode was a hard episode for
me to record and it was hard toput my thoughts into words in a
way where I could share some ofmy story without disrespecting
others in my life.
Everyone that has had a role inme becoming who I am today is
someone that I love dearly, andI will never speak bad or
negatively about any of them.
I want to always maintain myhonesty with all of you, and the
(00:43):
role in my journey is not mystory to tell.
The purpose of this is not toallow yourself to hold back,
even if you are uncomfortable,inconvenienced and doubtful.
They're to dream like a littlekid before they knew pain and
started accepting the judgmentfrom an imperfect world.
I hope y'all enjoy this allover the place episode.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
Hey, what's up you guys?
Welcome back to Check Yourselfwith Harley.
Thank you for being here withme today and I pray that today
has been a good day for you.
Even if it wasn't, that it'llturn around.
Today's episode is about selfdoubt and how it can hold us
back, and I thought this wouldbe a good time for me to tell
you guys my story, a little bitof it, a compact version of it.
(01:27):
The reason why I wanted to dothis is because I've been
struggling with self-doubt.
I realized how many times Ihave held myself back in life
because I doubt myself.
I don't have the faith to dowhat I am meant to do.
(01:48):
I have a life coach, mentor,friend who I love so much and
she has a podcast.
It's the Bella Grace podcast.
I'll link it below on YouTube,so you should check her out.
She's really great.
She had an episode where she wastalking about your purpose how
(02:10):
a lot of times our purpose arerelated to, like our childhood
dreams.
That was kind of when I wasworking on my podcasting and I
thought it was crazy how, when Iwas little, I've always loved
helping people.
I've had all of these qualitieswhen I was a little kid.
That were actually really great.
(02:31):
But you grow up and you kind oflike lose your innocence.
Life doesn't seem easy, andthen you start worrying about
like grown up things and thosedreams are gone because you tell
yourself you'll never be ableto accomplish that, I will never
be a singer or I'll never be an.
Tell yourself you'll never beable to accomplish that, I will
never be a singer, or I'll neverbe an actress, I'll never be
president, I'll never be alawyer, and those things kind of
(02:51):
go away as you get older and Ithink life experiences and
things that we go through makeus also become doubtful of what
we are capable of.
I started to tell myself that Iwasn't qualified to do this
because I went to college butdidn't finish.
I felt like I have failed at somany things, so why add one
(03:14):
more?
I just didn't see the point.
Self-doubt is often us tellingourselves what we are able to do
and not having faith and trust.
If you are just starting off,improve things in your life or
kind of make changes, I don'twant you to quit just because
you start doubting yourself.
(03:35):
Because sometimes when westumble we think, okay, well,
we've already messed it up, sowe might as well, just stop and
then we don't know what couldhave been.
Let's discuss self-doubt.
Let's find out what things aremaking us doubt ourselves.
Let's work understanding why wehave those doubts, maybe having
some faith that our historydoes not determine our destiny.
(03:58):
I started to have doubts because, as I've discussed, we all know
that I have the bipolar.
Because, as I've discussed, weall know that I have the bipolar
.
But it is something that I tryto be conscious of because of
the different symptoms and stuff.
One of the symptoms for whenyou have mania in bipolar and
it's the mania and it's thedepression.
(04:18):
So it's like two differentspectrums.
I'm not a doctor so I'm notgoing to go into full detail,
but that's what you live with.
You either are super high oryou're super low, but there is
different extremes.
I've personally neverexperienced a grandiosity
extreme which is basically youfeel like you're bigger than
life or you're like God, or it'sall kinds of like different
(04:41):
things.
But this is something I haveprayed over.
I wanted guidance.
I have not ever taken guidancefrom anyone in my life.
Now I go to the person I trustthe most in this world, which is
God.
I pray for pretty much anythingthat I need help with.
I wanted to help others.
(05:03):
I've actually.
I have tried to go to schoolfor being a police officer.
I have tried to go to schoolfor counseling, like to be a
counselor, to be a social workerand just anything to help
people.
I truly honestly, have alwayshad a lot of love for people,
(05:24):
especially people who go throughthings in life.
I prayed on it.
I asked God to use me inwhichever way he thought would
be best.
So when I started to havedoubts about myself, I started
to wonder oh my gosh, am I likegoing through a manic episode
and I just think I'm like thissuper helpful person and you
know, god's telling me to dothis thing or you know whatever.
(05:47):
I check myself and make surethat I do everything for the
right reasons and not for, like,self-serving reasons, but for
reasons other than myself,outside of myself.
So with this it was kind of thesame thing.
Trigger warning I will bediscussing suicide on this
episode.
So if that's something youstruggle with or don't really
(06:09):
want to hear about, then totallyunderstand.
I really appreciate y'alllistening up to this point.
I love you.
You won't hurt my feelings ifyou click off.
Years ago I had a person that Ithought was my friend.
I remember I was talking tothem about something I was going
through.
They said to me you know,you're a very negative person.
(06:30):
I don't want that in my lifebecause I'm in this point in my
life.
I respected that and I don'tfault this person for saying
this and those were theirboundaries.
I have to respect andunderstand that.
But it did something in me andit was one of those things that
kind of stuck with me.
I actually never told anyonewhat I dealt with ever again,
(06:54):
not even the people that havebeen closest to me.
I had a friend that I've knownfor 12 years and she did not
know the extent of what I wasgoing through until my
engagement party a couple yearsago and I had a lot of
celebration drinks and I wasopening up to her.
(07:16):
That was one of the first timesI discussed it with anyone.
Ever again I will tell you thatisolation.
Ever again I will tell you thatisolation whether you have
mental illness or have trauma oryou're dealing with anything in
your life, it's probably theworst thing you can do to
yourself is isolate, becausethen you're just carrying that
(07:37):
around all alone.
There's no one there to helpyou lighten the load, and
sometimes we close off to evenpeople who are willing to carry
that load with us.
The reason why I want to tellyou my story is because I want
you to understand where I amcoming from and why I wanted to
(07:58):
do this and why.
Now I don't doubt myself indoing this.
I was raised by a single mom.
We came here when I was 10.
We came from Colombia Well, Iguess back a little bit Back in
Colombia.
My dad left when I was two.
My mom raised me and shebrought me here.
She got married.
(08:19):
Since I was a little kid I hadalways wanted a dad because
everyone else had one, so Iwanted one too.
We came here.
Unfortunately, that marriagedid not work for my mom and so
it was me and her again just us.
She eventually met somebody whoI really learned to love as a
dad.
(08:39):
That was probably the closestthing I had to a father figure.
Unfortunately, that person didvery bad things, hurt my family
a lot.
I was I think I was a freshmanin high school when this
happened.
It was a big thing Police, swat, all of the stuff.
It was really known that I hadgone through this like at school
(08:59):
, and that's when my mentalhealth started to like really
deteriorate.
By the time I was 15, Iattempted suicide for the first
time.
Of course, back then I wasn'tdiagnosed anything, because it's
really hard to diagnose bipolardisorder.
Now I was getting older so Ithought, okay, well, if I'm not
(09:20):
going to have dad which I hadaccepted at this point I figured
I would find this love that Iwas looking for through a man,
and I thought the way to do thatwould be to be physical with a
man.
So that's what I did, and Istarted being sexually active at
15.
It was in a very reckless way.
(09:41):
It wasn't because I cared aboutsomeone, it was just because I
was looking for someone, andthat shaped the way that I look
at physical contact, which sucks.
I moved out of my house and Ithought I was grown.
You know, that did not work outvery well.
I pretty much kept looking forthat love, but like, not.
(10:01):
It was like I wanted it, but Iwas scared of it too.
I ended up getting pregnant.
So at this point I have fourvery small kids.
I am very young.
I think I was like I don't know25.
I am a single mom and I am justworking all the time and I'm
stressed, frustrated and,instead of like focusing on my
(10:22):
kids, I'm still trying to focuson filling this void that I
carry and I keep thinking it's,it's, it's a man, it's a person
that's supposed to fill it.
I start dating at this point.
My son is six months old and Imeet somebody.
I started dating this person.
I date this person for a yearand I was thinking this is a
(10:42):
good, healthy relationship,because I was very against
living with someone because Ihave daughters.
I didn't want to just be likebringing men in and out.
I wanted to make sure it wouldbe something.
So after a year of dating, Iwas thinking this is going to be
good and this is what I've beensearching for and all that.
(11:03):
And I found out he had a wholenother life outside of me.
It was really heartbreaking forme.
That was definitely a hardthing that I went through
because I was thinking that Iwas like so in love and sadly it
was because I loved that hedidn't want to just be physical
(11:25):
with me.
He liked me for me, which issad Again, from the way that I
looked at physical contact OnceI found this out.
I was heartbroken.
I just I kind of started tolose hope and I felt like I was
not even worth anything Like myworth lied on a person.
So I figured I just need tolook better.
(11:47):
He just he's so good lookingand if I looked better maybe he
will love me and maybe he willbe with me.
And so I went on like thisfitness journey, got in shape
and lost all this weight,started carrying myself
differently and all of thisstuff.
I've always loved gettingdressed up, but this was like
(12:09):
that times a thousand.
After doing all of that, I hadskin removal surgery because I
lost so much weight and I hadexcess skin and all that.
Even after all that, I did notget the guy.
I was still alone.
I was still bitter, miserable,sad all the time.
I figured you know what I looklike, this now, and that will
never happen to me again.
I decided I was going to be thecrappiest version of myself
(12:34):
that I could be and wasn'tnobody ever going to hurt me,
ever again.
And now this time, instead ofpeople playing with me, I
started playing with people andtheir feelings, playing mind
games, and I started to think itwas just hilarious to have
people want to be with me and mejust not be with them, never
(12:54):
planning on pursuing anythingwith them.
I was just a terrible person,like.
I truly think back to who Iused to be and it's just truly
sad that I let my pain and myhurt turn me into something that
I truly disliked.
And it wasn't just.
It wasn't just man, it was just, in general, I started to feel
(13:16):
like superior in some way.
My heart was growing hatefuland cold, which is, you know,
sad to think about, because I, Ihonestly, have always had a
really big heart and I can saythat now truly have always had a
lot of compassion and love forpeople.
But I started to let my lifeexperiences start to turn me
(13:39):
into a cold, mean person.
Eventually I met someone, ofcourse, because even though I
was mean and I was out here tohurt the world, I still wanted
someone to love me.
So I met someone and we starteddating and I thought, okay,
this is the one and it's funnybecause this person is actually
a very great person had, youknow, came from a really great
(14:04):
family, had gone to school, Iwas able to have like
conversations aboutnon-superficial things and it
was like, okay, this is this,has got to be it.
This, this is it.
But I was not in the rightplace for this person.
It's like you ask for somethingover and over again.
(14:24):
At one point in my life I usedto just be so angry at God
because I've always believed butone I never knew how God's love
works truly.
Two, I blamed all of my lifechoices on God, all of the
consequences I was dealing with.
I was blaming him and I wouldthink, like, how can you let all
(14:46):
this happen to me?
Like, how much stuff does oneperson have to go through?
I mean, I'm only 20, whatever.
And come on, man, although Ifelt that way, I also knew that
I was wrong, or even thinkingthat, because it was my life
choices, and there's adifference between being
accountable for the mistakesthat you make, beating yourself
up for them.
So I would.
(15:07):
I wasn't holding myselfaccountable, I was just feeling
sorry for myself and throwingmyself little pity parties about
everything that was going on,not truly being accountable, and
I would just beat myself up.
It was just a vicious cycle.
So this person I met, I,although I thought they were it,
I successfully, completelytreated them like crap and did
(15:31):
horrible things and that'ssomething I had to live with for
well, I'll have to live with itforever and it was a process
for me to forgive myself for it,because at that point I felt
like I deserved anything.
I got after that, after the waythat I was to this person, but
this person was a huge part inmy life.
(15:54):
As far as me getting help, veryshortly after I met them, I
went into very, very deepdepression and I'm talking I
wouldn't even get out the bed.
They had to literally help meshower, help me eat, things like
that and this was for like twoweeks straight, and this is
someone I had just starteddating.
This person loved and cared forme.
(16:16):
I looked for help.
I looked for help to improve myrelationship with my kids, more
than anything, because at thatpoint I had completely messed my
relationship with my kids up.
I felt like I was a terriblemom.
I didn't want to be that.
I wanted my kids to love me.
I wanted to be a better mom andthat was really my driving
(16:37):
force to begin to get help wasmy kids, because I knew I was
just going down a very long, notgood road.
I started to see therapists.
I started to see a psychiatrist.
That's when I was diagnosed.
But even diagnosed, I did notfully accept it.
I kept thinking like they don'tknow what they're talking about
.
I would get on meds, get offthe meds, I would feel better
(16:58):
and I would just think there'snothing wrong with me.
And inside I literally feltlike I wanted to die.
I would pray at night to die,to not wake up, and when I would
wake up I would just feel likeagain.
That was my thought and I justfelt tired.
I tried to improve who I was,for the person I was with.
(17:20):
It became so exhausting.
I felt like I was trying to besomeone else for somebody else.
I didn't want to do it.
It was too hard and it waseasier for me to just be the
piece of crap that I had become.
So I went back to my old waysand decided I was better off
alone because cause that's whatI was comfortable with I had
done it for years, so I justrather be alone.
(17:42):
And then I met somebody.
This was truly.
You know how they always saywhen you're not looking, you
will find the person, orwhatever.
I truly was not looking.
I was wanting to date and I waswanting to go back to that fun
and that's fun, quote unquotelife of being single and like
partying and meeting differentpeople and dating.
(18:03):
I went on one date with thisperson.
It was extremely different fromanything I had ever been on.
I thought that they didn't likeme because they respected me,
which is sad but true.
They respected me enough to atthe end of the movie, they took
me to my car, gave me a hug andwe went our separate ways.
(18:25):
I continued to date this person.
I eventually ended up with thisperson and I realized how
miserable I was still on theinside.
It was then that I realizedthat this boy that I kept trying
to fill with other people, itwas never going to be filled by
them because it wasn't anythingto do with people and it was
everything to do with me.
(18:46):
I don't believe that you can'tlove someone if you don't love
yourself, but you definitelycannot accept love if you don't
love yourself.
I kept thinking at the timethat I am supposed to be the
happiest.
Like I'm engaged, I'm going toget married.
I have dreamed of gettingmarried my whole life.
At the time I'm planning mywedding.
(19:07):
I'm literally wanting to die.
I just want to.
I want it to be over.
So I canceled my wedding.
For years I have thought it'smy mom's fault.
I canceled my wedding, it'sthis person's fault, it's that
person's fault.
I blamed it on everyone else.
Except the fact that I wasliterally a miserable person on
(19:28):
the inside.
My husband and I decided that wewanted to have a baby and so we
got pregnant.
I lost my daughter.
That pregnancy was very hard onus so we decided we were going
to wait.
We waited a while.
I was going to counseling and Ihad stopped.
Once I lost my daughter I gotpregnant again.
So I went back to counselingbecause at this point I am
(19:50):
literally just dreading wakingup.
It's not even like a, it's likea.
I am literally just distraughtthat I just woke up again.
So I go to counseling and I metmy angel in life.
I owe this woman so much.
I have told her thank you, butI don't think she'll ever know
(20:11):
the impact she made in my lifefor the rest of my life.
So I would go and I would talkto her because I couldn't be on
medication, because I waspregnant and I'd never had a
counselor help me, a therapisthelp me the way she did, and I
knew there was somethingdifferent, but I just didn't
understand what it was.
And she had like real care andreal compassion for me.
(20:31):
She loved me Like I care andreal compassion for me.
She loved me Like I could feelthat she loved me.
So as I was getting near the endof my pregnancy, I was scared
because I already knew that Iwasn't well.
Still, my daughter was kind oflike my safety net.
I was carrying her, but reallyshe was carrying us because I
knew I wouldn't do something tomyself as long as my child was
(20:54):
depending on me.
And it's us because I knew Iwouldn't do something to myself
as long as my child wasdepending on me.
And it's not because I don'tlove my other kids, because I
love all my kids, but it'sbecause I had thought so poorly
of myself that I thought that mykids didn't need me.
I thought they have dads, theywill be fine and they don't need
me.
And my daughter, she has herdad, she's not going to need me
either.
Nobody needs me.
(21:14):
Like the world is better offwith me not being here.
And again it's back to thatfeeling like a burden, feeling
like the sadness in someone'slife.
And these are people that youlove.
I used to always say no oneunderstands.
I never tried to explain, theyonly understood as much as they
saw.
But nobody knew the extent ofthe pain that I was carrying.
(21:35):
I had my daughter.
I had this overwhelming feelingthat I wasn't going to make it
past the year.
I started to really really feellike it was over.
I just couldn't do it anymore.
I knew I wasn't going to beable to do it anymore.
So I knew it was the end.
I knew it was the end and Iwasn't going to be able to do it
anymore.
I attempted suicide twice inone week, the week before my
(21:57):
therapist had read me this book.
It's a book that I keep up hereand the name of the book is you
Are Special.
It's by Max Lucado.
He has other books, like awhole series, and it's a kid's
book, but it talks about loveand it talks about how you're
seen through the eyes of God.
(22:18):
Now it doesn't say God on thebook and she didn't tell me that
.
But when she read it to me itjust changed something inside of
me.
But mentally I was stilldestroyed on the inside in my
head, but in the book it's alittle wooden person and they
had boxes of stickers.
(22:38):
If you had ugly parts or if youwere just chipped paint or if
you were silly and things likethat, then you would get a dot
sticker.
And if you were pretty and ifyou were good, you would get a
star sticker.
He goes to see what they callthe maker.
The maker tells him oh, I see,you have some, you've get a star
sticker.
He goes to see what they callthe maker.
The maker tells him oh, I see,you have some.
You've gotten some bad marks.
(22:58):
And he says to the maker Ididn't mean to Eli, I really
tried hard At this point thatshe's reading this book to me.
I truly had been doing mydangest to improve, to change.
I can't tell you how much I hadchanged at this point, but I
couldn't see it because of mypain, my doubt I wasn't doing it
(23:20):
the right way, I wasn't takingthe necessary steps to get rid
of the pain.
I was putting band-aids on mypain and band-aids on, you know,
denial of my mental health andnot accepting it and trying to
hide it and not talking toanyone, hiding myself.
And so he says to him and I'llread just a very short part
Punchinello.
(23:40):
That's the little woodencharacter Punchinello.
I don't care what other we mixthink, and he says you don't.
He said no and you shouldn'teither.
What they think doesn't matter,and all that matters is what I
think, and I think that you'repretty special.
He goes on to tell him how muchhe loves him because he made
him.
(24:00):
After I did what I did, I wentto church the following Sunday
because at that point I knewthat something different needed
to change.
A spiritual journey is verypersonal.
I respect anywhere you are inyour life.
With that, I'm simply sharingmy journey and how I got to
where I am.
I went to church and I remembermy pastor saying if you're here
(24:23):
, you're here for a reason,because if you or you're here
for a purpose, sorry, because ifyou weren't, you wouldn't be
here anymore and God's not donewith you.
It was that day that I wastruly saved.
I raised my hand and I lovethat they do it with our eyes
closed, because no one waswatching and no one knew this.
I think this is actually thisis probably the second time I've
(24:45):
told this.
The first time was with mychurch group.
It was private and it wassomething that I wanted to do
the right way, give it my all,truly.
For once in my life, I wanted tochange drastically, not just
baby step into my changes, notgive myself excuses, not feel
sorry, not put it on my mentalhealth, but truly find ways to
(25:09):
make myself better.
It's been difficult.
There has been a lot of thingsthat I have walked through,
especially this year.
This year has been one of thehardest years of my life, but
it's also been the best year ofmy life because I was able to
learn what true love is, what itreally means to love.
(25:30):
I was able to understandforgiveness for others, for
myself.
I was able to understand that Iam not perfect and that's okay.
And I finally understoodfriendship.
I understood what it was liketo not walk alone anymore.
I have so many great friendsthat I love so much and they
(25:51):
it's not surface level we talkabout like real stuff and we
love each other through it andwe tell each other the truth,
but with love and kindness, andwe lift each other up and we
help dust each other off.
With what I've walked through, Inever wanted someone to be in
the place that I was at.
I never wanted someone to feelthat loneliness, feel like they
(26:13):
couldn't talk about it, feellike they couldn't come to
someone.
Because going through something, feeling pain, that's not being
negative, that's being human,wanting to be able to share that
with someone, at least just toget it out.
That's why therapy is so, sohelpful, because we get to just
get it out.
We don't have to carry it withus everywhere we go.
(26:36):
We get a break.
We get to just express whatwe're feeling, without judgment.
I want to share what I'm goingthrough so that you don't have
to feel like you are the onlyperson going through it, so that
you don't have to feel like youare a crappy person, because
you are not.
You just have lived life andit's hard and it hurts, and some
(26:59):
of that hurt sits and sometimeswe don't know what to do with
it or where to put it or likehow to even start fixing it.
Like, how do you, how do youstart doing something that
you've never seen before, thatyou don't know anything about?
You don't know where to start.
I used to hate the fact that Ihave to live with bipolar, but
I'm so thankful because that'swhat made me get help.
(27:21):
That's what made me open myeyes to the fact that I was not
well and I needed to change andnot just change medicine and not
just change boyfriend.
I needed to change me because Ineeded to be someone that I
could love, so that I could thenaccept love from other people.
Because I needed to be someonethat my kids can look up to and
(27:45):
if my daughter fights with me,then I can be someone that knows
I've done my best.
She is going to need space andit'll be fine and not to beat
myself up and think, well, I'm acrappy mom anyway.
So you know and just go downthat rabbit hole.
I told you guys at thebeginning of the episode.
This is about self-doubt and itis because I doubted myself in
(28:08):
everything in my life.
I doubted that I was a good mom.
I doubted that I loved otherpeople.
I doubted that I was a goodperson.
I doubted that I had a bigheart.
I doubted that I was a goodperson.
I doubted that I had a bigheart.
I doubted that I couldaccomplish anything.
I doubted anyone could everlove me.
I doubted that anyone liked me.
Past the physical.
I literally have doubted mywhole life, everything, every
(28:32):
step of the way, and I strugglewith it.
But the difference now is thatI can recognize that and I can
take a step back and remindmyself of how far I have come.
I never want you guys to thinkthis is me telling you I'm
perfect, I've got it alltogether, because I don't.
My life is not perfect, farfrom it, and I struggle.
I actually will probably alwaysstruggle because my brain likes
(28:57):
to play tricks with me andthat's hard.
So I have to be very, veryself-conscious, or conscious of
myself, not self-conscious.
The message I want you to takeaway from this today is one stop
doubting yourself, becauseyou're holding yourself back,
and that's from improving inyour life, improving in your
relationships, improving withyour career, because there's a
(29:18):
promotion, but you think youknow I didn't get it last time,
or I am not as knowledgeable asI think I am, and that's doubt.
I don't want to take a chanceon this new job because what if
this XYZ happens?
I don't want to take a chanceon going to school for a
different career, because maybethis will happen.
(29:40):
You're doubting yourself,you're not giving yourself a
chance to prove yourself wrong.
The second point I want you totake away is that you aren't
alone, and now, that wasn't partof what the episode is, but you
don't have to be alone.
I hope that me sharing my story, my life, will help you have
faith in your story and in yourown life and let you see that
(30:01):
you aren't alone.
The things that you think about,the things that you wonder, the
questions you ask yourself youaren't alone in them.
A lot of us ask ourselvesdifferent questions, but we're
also afraid to show someone elsethat maybe we're not perfect or
maybe we are going to perceivethis negative or that we're a
burden.
If no one else has told you,you aren't alone.
(30:23):
And I am here showing you allof my ugly and showing you that,
even with all of that, I knowall of my beautiful too.
They make all of me.
I wouldn't be who I am if itwasn't for everything I've gone
through.
I've just had to learn to adaptit so that I can be who I am
today, so that I could lovemyself, so that I could forgive
(30:44):
myself and give myself somegrace.
I am going to end withsomething I read today Blessed
is the one who perseveres undertrial because, having stood the
test, that person will receivethe crown of life the Lord has
promised to those who love him,james 1, 12.
If you guys are someone or knowsomeone who's struggling, with
(31:07):
suicidal thoughts, feelings ofworthlessness, feeling tired.
Please seek help, either fromsomebody you love and trust or
seek help from a therapist.
Just find you somewhere whereyou can relieve some of that
pain.
One of the worst things you cando when you're dealing with
these feelings is keeping themto yourself.
(31:27):
The National Suicide Hotline is988.
Don't go through this journeyalone, guys.
Don't sell yourself short.
Don't be so scared to fail thatyou don't begin what you know
that you are meant to do, whatyou are here to do.
You are way stronger than yougive yourself credit for.
I love you guys so much.
(31:47):
I'm sorry this was such a longepisode, but I am so happy to
have you here with me at the endof this.
I'm thankful for you.
Please remember that you arelove, you are enough and you are
never alone.
I love you, guys, and I'll seeyou next week.
You better check yourselfbefore you break yourself.
You better check yourselfbefore you break yourself.
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