July 3, 2025 • 38 mins
Every family story begins with choices—ones we make and ones made for us. In this deeply personal episode, I open up about the three pivotal conversations I had with my father that shaped my understanding of abandonment, forgiveness, and the power to change destructive family patterns.
Born in Colombia to a young mother and a police officer father who disappeared from my life when I was just three years old, I carried the weight of parental absence throughout my childhood. The few memories I have—a motorcycle ride, a painful phone call where he refused to let me live with him—became cornerstone moments in my understanding of my own worth and lovability.
When my mother remarried in America, I briefly experienced what felt like a complete family, only to have it shattered by domestic violence and trauma that triggered lasting mental health struggles. These experiences created a narrative that I wasn't worthy of love, affecting every relationship I formed.
The most powerful moment came decades later when I tracked down my biological father and confronted him with the question that had haunted me my entire life: why didn't he fight for me? His answer—that he was scared and didn't know how to be a father—revealed something profound about generational patterns. While he blamed his own upbringing for his failures, I realized we all have choices regardless of what examples we've been given.
This revelation became my turning point. Rather than perpetuating cycles of trauma and absence with my own children, I chose differently. Not because I naturally knew how to be a better parent, but because I made an intentional decision to break the pattern.
The power to change your family's story isn't about blaming your past or staying stuck in a victim mentality—it's about recognizing that regardless of what happened to you, you have the agency to choose differently. Listen in for a raw, honest conversation about healing, forgiveness, and the courage to create a new legacy for yourself and those you love.
Are you ready to break free from the choices others made for you and write a new chapter for your family?
Thank you for listening 💞 You are loved You are enough You are NOT alone You were built for this.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
You better check yourself before you break
yourself.
You better check yourselfbefore you break yourself.
So I have three differentconversations that I've had with
my dad that I can remember.
I've talked about one of thoseon here before because it's like
my first childhood memory thatI can remember.
(00:23):
So a little bit of backstory.
I was born in Cali, colombia.
My dad was a police officer, mymom hairstylist.
So my parents met when my momwas pretty young and they came
from different backgrounds.
So my grandparents weren'tthrilled about my dad.
The reasons behind them notliking my dad I'm not too sure I
(00:46):
know that he was older than mydad.
The reasons behind them notliking my dad I'm not too sure.
I know that he was older thanmy mom.
In Colombia, I guess my familywas like well off, not rich, but
they were well off and I guessthey felt like he was beneath
her and they wanted someone else, someone with more money.
That's a trend in my family,but that's a story for another
day and that's no shade to myfamily.
(01:06):
By the way, everybody'sdifferent, different things are
important to different people,but anyway, I guess I don't know
.
My parents fell in love andthen I came to be, but my
parents weren't married yet, sothey got married while my mom
was pregnant with me.
My grandma tried to pay my dadto not marry my mom, because
(01:27):
that's how much they did notwant him like in her life, I
guess.
But I guess my dad had someintegrity because he did not
take the money and married mymom.
So my parents were together forI guess three years.
We lived in a town calledPopayan in Colombia, and in
Colombia because it's, you know,not like here in the US,
(01:51):
sometimes family rent rooms inhouses instead of like renting
houses or buying a house.
So this room was kind of like astudio apartment and there's a
small kitchen room, all that.
My dad, like I said, he was apolice officer and my mom stayed
at home with me.
I remember my mom always tellsme the story that I left and I
(02:14):
started walking to go find mydad and one of the police
officers found me walking.
I told him I was looking for mydad and so he brought me back
home.
I always think that story is socute.
Eventually, I guess, they splitup.
My mom left.
I was told my mom's version ofthe story.
Obviously, I didn't talk to mydad.
(02:36):
I never saw him again after Iturned three, that last time
that I saw him.
So the only side that I knewwas my mom's.
So the first conversation wasthe one on the motorcycle, when
my dad picked me up.
He was taking me to the riverand I saw a field burning and I
(02:56):
asked my dad why it was burning.
He told me it was sugar canes.
I don't remember if heexplained to me why they burned
them, I just know that's what hesaid.
So the second conversation,that first one I was three, by
the way.
The second one was on the phonebecause, like I said, I never
got to really see him again.
I was 10.
My mom met the person that shemarried, that brought us to this
(03:20):
country, and I guess she was inthe process of doing my visa or
something.
I wanted to see my dad before Ileft Colombia and my mom says
that she tried to get me to seehim and that he wanted to see me
.
She has said that she decidedat the end to not let me see him
(03:41):
because she was afraid he wouldtake me away.
But I remember when I was onthe phone with him, that time,
when I was 10, I told him that Iwanted him to take me to live
with him.
I remember him saying thatwasn't a good idea and that I
needed to sit with my mom andthat's where I needed to be.
I felt so hurt whenever he saidthat to me because it was like
(04:02):
rejection, it was like myabandonment, feeling like I'm
not good enough to love.
It was all those things that Ifelt at that time and me and my
mom's relationship has alwaysbeen kind of weird.
Not that I don't love my mom, Ido but it's just weird and I
always longed for my dad.
I used to think it was becauseI saw other kids with their dad
(04:28):
and I just as a kid, you know,you want what you see everyone
else has.
But the more I've thought aboutit, I don't think that's what
it was, because I did see otherkids with just one parent, but I
always longed for him.
I guess, whenever you just haveone parent and you feel like
you're not getting along withthat parent, but I always longed
for him.
I guess whenever you just haveone parent and you feel like
you're not getting along withthat parent, at least you can
(04:49):
turn to the other one if you hadit, but I couldn't tell you why
it was so important to me.
I guess I just wanted thatsupport from a male.
After that second conversation,I moved to the US.
I personally don't believe thatkids should be raised by one
parent.
There are circumstances where,yes, that's not avoidable, and I
(05:10):
understand that.
But I've always felt like, ifit's possible, kids should be
raised by both their parents,and that doesn't mean the
parents have to be together.
You can co -parent and you canraise your kids together even if
you're not together.
It is definitely possible.
You just have to put yourpersonal differences aside, your
own personal feelings, for thewell-being of your child, this
(05:33):
personal opinion, the way I seeit.
So that was the secondconversation with my dad.
So my mom and I ended up movingto the US.
She had married somebody.
They had sent me to Colombiafor the summer the following
year and when I came back my momhad her own place and they had
split up, and every time my momwould have a boyfriend, I would
(05:55):
instantly turn them into my dad.
I would call them dad.
I just wanted that so bad and Ithink in a way I probably made
my mom feel pressured intogiving that to me and I wish I
hadn't done that because I'msure she made a lot of choices
based off of that.
But I was a kid, I didn't knowany better.
So after we moved away from himwe lived on our own, just me and
(06:17):
her.
So my mom started working for asecurity company, like as a
security guard, and I guess shegot close to her supervisor it
was a man.
I remember one time she wasabout to come home from work and
she basically told me she wasgoing to pick me up.
So I said, ok, when she pickedme up, she picked me up with
(06:39):
this guy and I was just kind oflike not too sure he was not
what I expected or what I wasused to my mom dating.
I remember he took us toDenny's and my mom, you know
she's a broke single mom.
So we didn't go out to eat veryoften or anything like that.
And if we did, you know you hadto keep it cheap, get water and
(07:02):
things like that.
So whenever we went out withhim I was allowed to get I think
I was allowed to get a shakeand I thought that was like the
coolest thing ever and I thoughthe was so nice for that and I
remember seeing that he had atattoo and growing up tattoos
were like a no-no, like you werenot a good person if you had
tattoos.
(07:23):
So I kind of made a commentabout the tattoo Side note.
That's hilarious now thinkingback because I'm covered in
tattoos.
But anyway, back to the story.
I made a comment about it.
I believe he answered me.
He was actually very open totalking to me.
(07:43):
Considering I was a kid, thatwas kind of, you know, it was
kind of different and it wasnice.
So eventually, you know, theykept dating.
My mom and I moved in to hisapartment and it was like a
total different world when wemoved in with him, because he
lived in the north side ofDallas, which not a bad
(08:04):
neighborhood, but it was justdifferent, culturally different.
We lived in Las Colinas when wefirst got to this country, so
it was definitely different, butI actually I liked it, I didn't
mind it.
When I went to school in LasColinas I actually used to get
bullied a lot because I wasColombian.
I guess that's different.
It was for sure at that moment.
(08:25):
So once we moved in with him,you know, I guess things got
more serious with him and my momand they started looking for a
house and my mom got pregnant.
We bought a house.
Well, they bought a house andwe moved to Sachse and I loved
living in Sachse.
I loved that house.
(08:45):
I've never you know, I hadnever had anything like that
before In Colombia.
The houses are different, theneighborhoods are different and
my mom and I we lived in anapartment and actually it was a
nice apartment, but this wasjust.
It was different.
Everything here in my eyes justlooked so beautiful when I
(09:07):
first came here.
The streets in Colombia aren'tclean.
There's no such thing aslittering, because it looks like
that all the time and you'renot going to get in trouble for
it.
So after a while living in thathouse, my mom had stopped
working.
Her and him started a businessand we used to go to something
(09:28):
called Canton First Mondays andit was so fun because every time
we would go we get to eat likeFrito pie and you could walk
around and see the other vendors.
It was really fun.
So I used to love going outthere.
My mom would sell some of herthings and then they would sell
(09:48):
what their business was.
Everything seemed to be goingokay and I actually really loved
this person.
It was the first time that Ifelt like, okay, I have a dad,
like I have a family, and I washappy.
My sister was born and Iactually got to name her my poor
sister.
I was like 14.
(10:10):
So I named her cartooncharacters, but I love her.
Hopefully she doesn't hate me.
After my sister was born, thingswere okay for a while and maybe
they weren't, but I was a kidso I didn't know.
I know my mom wasn't workingand all of the bills,
responsibilities, everythingfell on him and they also had
that business.
And maybe the business wasn'tworking and all of the bills,
(10:30):
responsibilities, everythingfell on him and they also had
that business and maybe thebusiness wasn't doing so well.
I don't really know what.
I guess what was really thebreaking point for my mom, but I
know that I know she moved out.
We moved out.
I'm not entirely sure I knowfor a while we lived somewhere
else.
Sure I know for a while welived somewhere else.
(10:51):
So maybe, yes, we moved out.
I think the stress became a lotfor him.
I guess my mom had told himthat it was over and he took it
really hard.
I remember coming home toschool one day and my mom wasn't
home.
He was just kind of liketalking to me, telling me that
he didn't understand and thingslike that.
I was a teenager so I mean Ididn't understand either.
To me it was like he's beengood to us and we have a family.
(11:14):
Honestly, that's all I caredabout.
It was a family, but my mom andI have different views when it
comes to that.
My mom grew up in a very abusivehousehold, so for her growing
up, she always felt like it hadbeen better for my grandma to
leave and then be on their ownthan her to endure the abuse
(11:36):
that they all had to go through.
I understand, I understand whyshe feels that way, but I didn't
grow up that way.
I grew up with just her and Ireally did want that family and
I loved having it.
I was so excited when my sisterwas born because I had always
wanted a sibling.
Even though her and I wereyears apart, it was still nice.
(11:57):
When she was born, she was mybaby.
So one day I went off to schooland I usually always would bring
my house keys, but I didn't.
That day, for whatever reason.
I went to school.
My mom and my sister and him.
They were all at the house whenI left.
So when I came home thatevening, that's when I realized
(12:17):
I left my key.
So I was like oh okay, and Iknocked on the door and my mom
came to the door and I looked ather face and I saw like a weird
look in her eyes and shestarted to mumble something to
me and I just kind of like Icouldn't make out what she was
saying and I think she felt himlike coming up behind her.
(12:39):
So she just said run, run, run.
And so I started runningbecause she started running and
while we were running I realizedthat the baby wasn't with us
and I asked her like where's thebaby?
She said she's asleep.
I said well, we need to get her.
And she was like she'll be fine.
And we just kept running and Iwas so confused.
(13:00):
But I was just running with mymom and we were knocking on
doors.
We were trying to find like aneighbor so we could use a phone
, but this was like three in theday, so everybody was at work.
Finally, my mom saw one of myclassmates that I had just got
off the bus with and she raninto their house and just did it
(13:23):
and just started hystericallysaying she needed to call the
police and you know, so on andso forth.
So on that day I found out mymom was pretty much held hostage
in that house the whole day.
She was beaten, she was abused.
A lot of horrible thingshappened to my mom that day as
(13:43):
my little 18-month-old sisterwas watching.
Before, in a past life for himhe was involved with drugs.
That is something he never hidand he was very upfront about it
with my mom, so she knew this.
But he left all of those thingsbehind and he worked to become
(14:04):
a better person.
I'm not making excuses for himbut, just like with anyone else,
I would want to have grace.
Better person.
I'm not making excuses for himbut, just like with anyone else,
I would want to have grace andunderstanding.
I feel like everything became alot for him and as a man you
tend to hold those things in.
You tend to want to put yourbest face forward for the sake
(14:25):
of your family and you just kindof deal on your own.
Unfortunately for him, hestarted dealing on his own with
cocaine, and when this happenedis when I found out that my mom
found out that he was back ondrugs and that's why we were
leaving.
But again, I didn't know.
That was one of the mosthorrible days of my life.
(14:48):
So because my sister was in thehouse, this was treated as a
hostage situation Y'all, Icannot make this up.
My house was surrounded by SWATNewsvans pulled up.
I mean, it was complete chaos.
In front of my house there werehostage negotiators talking to
(15:09):
him to basically let my sisterout and she was actually taking
a nap.
What was going on in between Idon't remember.
I know an ambulance came andthey actually took my mom.
So I was kind of left behind.
I was just waiting for mylittle sister, but at this point
I'm like 15 years old, soobviously they weren't going to
(15:32):
release an infant to me.
I finally remember seeing herwalking out.
She was 18 months old, likeAudrey's age.
She was so little.
She walked out the door and shewas really like sleepy.
You could tell she had justwoke up.
So she stumbled out on her ownand he went back in.
(15:53):
I wanted to run and grab her.
His family took her.
Actually, they grabbed her andtook her away.
Didn't like my mom, or me forthat matter.
So when they grabbed her.
I really just wanted to see herand make sure she was okay.
I had been worried the wholetime and they didn't let me see
her.
They just took her, put her inthe car and I was chasing the
car and they took off and droveaway and I remember I fell down
(16:17):
to my knees because I justwanted to like hold her and hug
her and I was so scared becauseI thought I'd never see her
again.
My mom wasn't there.
I was so confused.
This man is still locked in thehouse At this point.
I don't know if they're goingto bust in there and kill him
Like I don't even know.
So eventually I guess they wentin, got him no harm to him.
(16:39):
The craziest part is this manwas bailed out.
He was released the nextmorning After that.
I was so terrified of seeinghim.
We went back to the housebecause we had to get our stuff
and we went into the closettheir bedroom closet to get some
of my mom's stuff and we pulledsome clothes back and we saw
(17:00):
kitchen knives that were stashedwithin those clothes.
His plan was to basically takethe whole family out, like he
was going to take us all out.
After that I feel like that'swhen my mental issues really
started to manifest.
I remember we had moved into anew apartment and we came home
one day and I saw a box ofRaisin Bran cereal on top of the
(17:25):
fridge and I was so scared Likeyou would think I just saw like
a ghost, because I was soscared and I started like having
a panic attack and I was cryingand I told my mom where that
cereal come from.
The reason why that cerealtriggered and scared me was
(17:46):
because he would buy that cerealand we always had it at our
house.
So in my like young kid mind II was like surely he broke in,
he put the cereal there and nowhe was going to kill us all,
like I know.
So crazy, but that's how youthink when you're a kid.
(18:08):
So from that moment forward,when we would come home, I would
leave the door open and I wouldwalk into every single space in
our house.
I would pull back the showercurtain, I would check the
closets, I would make surenothing was covered so that I
(18:28):
can make sure he wasn't in thehouse, and only after I did that
did I close the door and justkind of I guess, chill.
But that became my life.
That was what I would do everytime I would go home and it
spilled on to you know adulthood, like when I moved out on my
own.
So the reason why I'm tellingyou about him is because he was
(18:55):
the closest thing I ever had toa dad even more than my own dad,
if anything thing I ever had toa dad, even more than my own
dad, if anything.
This man hurt me more than myown dad did, because my dad left
, but he was there and he madechoices that ultimately not only
ruined our family but couldhave potentially taken away the
(19:18):
only person that I've ever hadin my life which was my mom.
And to me at that moment thatwas unforgivable.
I've always been superprotective of my mom and that
was just something I justcouldn't forgive because she is
all I've ever had and this manwas like two seconds away from
(19:38):
taking her from me and theneverything that happened with my
sister.
I just like he did a lot ofdamage and on top of everything,
he wanted to hurt all of usAfter him.
I guess my mom, I guess my momgave up at that moment and I
gave up on the idea of a family,at least in that, with that
(19:59):
dynamic of having a dad, a mom,me and my sister, I went on
through my life kind of bottlingup everything I felt towards my
dad, towards this man.
I didn't really know how I feltabout my dad.
Honestly, I didn't feel angry.
I guess I learned to just dowithout him.
And whenever you grow up andbecome an adult, you just kind
(20:20):
of feel like I mean, I've madeit this far without them,
there's really no use for themanymore.
And I don't know what came overme a few years ago and I
started to look for him.
I think it was around the timethat I was diagnosed, I don't
remember, but I started to lookfor him using my investigative
skills on Facebook and I askedmy mom and I do want to say I
(20:42):
had asked my mom about himpreviously and I even asked my
uncle.
My uncle didn't want to helpbecause I don't know his own
personal reasons.
I guess he felt like I didn'tneed him.
I don't know, not his decisionto make, by the way.
And when I asked my mom, Ithink she said she didn't know.
I don't remember, but I askedher again at this point a few
(21:02):
years ago and she told me thename of an aunt.
So I found this aunt.
I messaged her and I asked herlike, do you know, jose?
That is my dad's name.
And I said, um, my first nameis Carolina.
I'm Carolina, I'm Jose'sdaughter.
I'm looking for him.
She was so nice and soundedreally excited to talk to me, so
(21:23):
she eventually passed themessage on to my dad, who then
got in contact with me.
I honestly couldn't believethat I had found him and I went
through his Facebook because Iwondered if he had ever looked
for me and I saw a post from afew years back that he sent to a
girl named Carolina and hepretty much asked her if she was
(21:47):
his daughter.
I also saw he posted this songthat he had dedicated to me when
I was little.
It's called Mi Corazon Lloro.
It's a Spanish song and it's adad and he's calling the mom's
house and the little boyanswered.
A little boy answers the phone,the dad knows obviously that's
(22:08):
his son, but the little boydoesn't know that the person
calling is his dad.
So the dad starts asking himlike how's school going?
And things like that, and thelittle boy says that the
neighbors take him to schoolwhen his mommy's at work,
because he doesn't have a dad.
So in the song the dad isasking to speak with the mom and
(22:30):
the little boy says she'sshowering, and then at the end
he says oh, she's left.
In the song the dad tells thelittle boy tell your mom that I
love her very much and I loveyou.
The little boy says how can youlove me?
You don't even know me.
He goes on the conversation andat the end, after he says his
(22:51):
mom's left, the dad says to thelittle boy he's saying goodbye.
The little boy says goodbye,sir, and the dad says goodbye,
son, son.
I saw my dad had posted that onhis facebook and I knew why he
had posted that.
It was because of me.
It was kind of nice to knowthat he had been looking for me
too and it made me feel likemaybe he does love me.
(23:12):
I honestly couldn't tell youwhat the first conversation
between my dad and I was.
It was.
It was weird.
I didn't know if I should callhim Jose or papi, papa, I didn't
know.
It was just weird.
It was such a foreign conceptfor me.
I talked to my dad a few moretimes after that.
There was the last conversationand all I remember is he said
(23:37):
something not so favorable aboutmy mother and, like I said, I
was very protective of my mom.
So at that time I immediatelywent like walls up, guards up,
and I blocked my dad and Ididn't talk to him.
You know, I feel like one ofthe reasons I blocked him and
didn't talk to him anymore, it'salmost like I felt like I was
(23:59):
betraying my mom After all thoseyears of her doing it on her
own.
Here I am letting him come intomy life after he left us and I
never, ever, wanted to hurt mymom in any way, shape or form,
like my mom was my life, becauseshe was all I ever had.
So the third most importantconversation I had with my dad,
(24:21):
once everything hit the fan inmy life with my family, my
marriage, whatever you want tocall it I was so mad and I
wanted answers and I wasn'tgetting them at home.
So I decided to take it out onmy dad.
I just felt like, if this mandoesn't have answers for me, my
dad better give me some answers.
(24:42):
I know that sounds stupid, butthat's how I felt, honestly.
So I called my dad after I hadblocked him and I told him I
want to know what happened.
What happened with you and mymom?
What is the real story?
And don't tell me in thislittle sweet make believe story,
because I feel like when Ifirst started talking to him, he
(25:06):
would talk to me like in thisreally positive, happy,
everything was great.
I don't know what went wrongand I'm like no, I'm a grown
woman.
Give it to me straight, stopplaying with me.
Okay, I'm going to back just abit.
One thing that I also saw on mydad's Facebook was that he had a
(25:26):
son.
He had to be around 18.
He was younger, obviously muchyounger than me, because by the
time I found my dad, I think Iwas already 30.
And I saw that my dad was partof his life.
I knew I had brothers and Iknew I was the only girl, but I
didn't know my dad was part ofany of our lives.
(25:47):
And I felt, honestly, I waskind of salty, like why him Like
?
Why did my dad decide to be adad with him but not with me?
And I mean, that's the humanside of me, that's the, that's
the selfish part of me, becausehonestly, I should be happy to
(26:09):
see that at least he grew up andsomeone else didn't have to
endure the pain that I wentthrough.
Unfortunately, you don't seethings like that.
You don't see them in that way,especially not when you're
still hurting, not at thatmoment.
So back to the day, when Icalled my dad and I was like
(26:29):
just tell me everything.
Like I need to know whathappened.
Were you cheating on my mom?
Were you an alcoholic?
Like I asked my dad so manythings and I talked to him like
man to man, like talk to me likestraight, don't, I'm not your
daughter right now and honestlyI didn't feel like he deserved
(26:51):
any respect from me anyway.
Like you left me when I wasthree.
Come on, that man answeredeverything.
He explained to me whathappened between him and my mom.
He admitted to having adrinking problem the only thing
that he did not say he did andwith him kind of admitting
everything else.
I don't see why he would lieabout this.
(27:12):
But only him, and God know.
I guess my mom had always toldme that I had a brother that was
my same age, because my dad wasseeing other women while they
were together, and when I askedmy dad about that, he said no,
you have an older brother, butyou guys aren't not the same age
, he said.
I truly did love your mom, hesaid, but it all became too much
(27:35):
.
Her family was too much.
So after he clarified all that,I asked my dad the most
important question that I hadthat I had needed an answer for
for the past 27 years why did heleave me?
Why did he not fight for me?
Why didn't he love me enough tobe there for me?
(27:57):
And my dad said to me I know Ididn't do the right thing.
He said I was scared.
He said I couldn't be a dad toyou because I didn't know how to
be one, because I didn't havean example of a good dad.
So it was, it was best for me toleave, because I didn't know
what I was doing.
I said to my dad you know, withall due respect, jose, that's
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not an excuse.
I said we all have a choice inlife and we cannot blame our
parents for our choices,regardless of whether you had an
example or not, it was yourchoice to not stay and try.
It was your choice to not learnhow to be a dad.
You took the easy way outInstead of going through the
(28:42):
growing the difficulties youdecided to leave for you, but
you never thought about me andwhat that would do to me growing
up and what it would do to mein my life, for my whole life.
What I am about to say again,it's no shade on my mom, but I
told him no one taught me how tobe a mom, because being a mom
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is more than just providing andtelling your kids what to do.
But I made a choice.
I made a choice to take thosegood things that I learned from
my mom but improve on them.
My mom made her choices and Iwill never judge her for that.
Those were her choices.
But I wanted to make differentchoices.
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I wanted to make choices thatwould benefit my kids and not
just me, and not just my ownpersonal feelings.
My ultimate goal was for my kidsto have the best, for my kids
to have what I didn't have,aside from what I was going
through, my feelings, whateveraside, whatever anybody else
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thought, I made a choice.
No one showed me and if I hadjust gone with what I had seen,
my kids would have a verydifferent life right now.
Again, no shade to my mom.
I don't think I'm better thanher.
I don't think I am a better mom, none of that.
I just made different choicesfor the sake of my kids and she
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did what she thought was bestwith what she knew at the time.
But I did what I felt was bestfor my kids and I went on and
tried to improve on that.
So when I told my dad, neitheryou nor her taught me how to be
a parent, but I still made achoice for my kids, even though
(30:29):
a lot of times that choice hasnot been easy for me.
There has been a lot ofsacrifice behind a lot of
choices that I have made that noone knows about except me and
God.
Not even my kids know thesacrifices that I have made for
their sake, and I have truly hadto put my own feelings and my
(30:53):
own wants aside because I wantedwhat was best for them.
But my parents chose what wasbest for them, not me for what
was easiest and felt the bestfor them.
After I said that to my dad, Ihonestly expected for him to be
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like you, little rude.
You know what?
But you know what?
At that moment my dad said tome you're right, you are right,
it was my choice.
And if I had another chance Iwould choose differently.
And he said to me that he wouldreally like it if we could try
to build a relationship fromthat moment on.
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Y'all.
This was a few years ago and Iwish I could say I had so much
grace and forgiveness in myheart at that moment for my dad,
but I didn't.
I felt like I was 30.
I'd already made it this farwithout him.
I didn't need him and I feltlike why should he get the
privilege of being in my lifewhen he had nothing to do with
(31:58):
the person that I was?
So I said something along thoselines to him, not as mean, but
I'm sure it still didn't feelgood.
At the end I said we couldstill talk, but honestly, I
never talked to my dad againafter that.
I felt like I had got myanswers and that's all I needed
from him.
I regret that now honestly, butthat's because I see things
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differently now.
We all deserve a second,sometimes a third, maybe a
fourth chance, because none ofus have got it right every
single time, the first time orthe second time.
I have made the same mistake afew times.
So I should have given my dadmore grace and I never got to
tell him this.
But I have so much respect forthe way he responded after what
(32:45):
I said because he owned, heowned his ish.
He didn't excuse it, he didn'ttry to blame it on my mom.
If anything, he honestly neverspoke badly about her.
So I respect him for that.
Y si, por algún milagro José, túescuchas esto, nada más.
Quiero que sepas yodefinitivamente aprecio de la
(33:09):
manera que me respondiste, de lamanera que me diste todas las
respuestas que yo necesitabatoda mi vida.
Yo tengo nada más que respetopor ti y yo quiero que sepas que
(33:30):
yo no te odio y que yo heperdonado todas las cosas que
han pasado.
Te agradezco por.
Those are the three mostimportant conversations I've
ever had with my dad.
But what this taught me is lifeis determined by choices, and
sometimes it's not the choicesthat you make, it's the choices
that others make, and sometimestheir choices are the choices
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that you make and sometimes areinfluenced because of the
choices that they have seen thepeople before them make.
This is where we have theopportunity to break
generational curses.
We have the opportunity tochange the trajectory of our
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families, of our kids' futures,of our own life.
Because, yes, I was 34, 33 whenI started to see the error of
my ways.
It was before that when Istarted seeing the errors of my
(34:34):
parenting, because I saw thetype of relationship that I had
with my kids and I didn't wantthat.
I didn't want my kids to growup and have to heal from my
crappy parenting just because Iwas repeating the same cycle,
because my mother was repeatinga light on how important choices
are, and I want you to see thedomino effect that it has on
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people's lives.
My father not being there,unfortunately unintentionally
created a void within me and itcreated a narrative that I
wasn't good enough, that Iwasn't worth it.
So I was looking for anyone tofill that void my stepdad.
He made a choice to go to drugsto ease his own personal pain
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at the expense of everyonearound him, which could have
ultimately cost my mother, herlife, me and my sister.
By the grace of God, that wasnot what happened.
However, his choice stillaffected all of us.
My mental health issues startedat that point.
My sister had trauma to thepoint where she had to have a
(35:54):
speech therapist and it caused alot of different issues for her
in life that she still has todeal with to this day.
His choices affected my motherbecause she was already dealing
with mental health issues andthat just like threw her over
the edge and we all had likePTSD.
(36:15):
We lived in fear for a lot ofyears.
So the choices these two menmade have greatly affected me in
life.
But instead of me keeping on thecycle and just saying like, oh
well, I went through this, thatand the other, so that's why I'm
like this, that's a cop out anda lot of us do that, a lot of
us just stay in that victimmentality and it's like won't me
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Just stay in that victimmentality and it's like, won't
me, I act this way because ofthat and I'm sorry, but I call
BS.
You act this way because youchoose to act this way.
If anything, living throughcertain things, people making
certain choices, should make youwant to make better choices.
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It should make you want to bebetter because you've already
experienced the pain and thestruggle of having somebody's
choices affect you and affectyour life.
So why would you even want todo that to somebody else?
That is beyond me.
So let's stop blaming ourparents, blaming our past,
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blaming our trauma all of thesethings, for the choices that we
make, or the people that we are,or the people we become,
because you have a choice, justlike they had a choice before
you.
Had they made a differentchoice, you wouldn't even have
to have gone through all thethings that have hurt you.
(37:45):
So think about that.
I think that's all I have fortoday.
For this one, I want to say aprayer, dear Lord.
I want to pray for anyone wholistens to this, who is
struggling with past trauma, whois having to pay for the
choices that others have made,who are still trying to navigate
through all that hurt, all thatpain, and shine a light
(38:07):
narrative for their family, fortheir future family and for
themselves in their own life.
In Jesus name, amen, thank youall for listening today.
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Remember God loves you.
You're enough, you were builtfor this and you do not have to
stay where you're at Until nexttime.
Good night,
You better check yourself before you break
yourself.
You better check yourselfbefore you break yourself.
So I have three differentconversations that I've had with
my dad that I can remember.
I've talked about one of thoseon here before because it's like
my first childhood memory thatI can remember.
(00:23):
So a little bit of backstory.
I was born in Cali, colombia.
My dad was a police officer, mymom hairstylist.
So my parents met when my momwas pretty young and they came
from different backgrounds.
So my grandparents weren'tthrilled about my dad.
The reasons behind them notliking my dad I'm not too sure I
(00:46):
know that he was older than mydad.
The reasons behind them notliking my dad I'm not too sure.
I know that he was older thanmy mom.
In Colombia, I guess my familywas like well off, not rich, but
they were well off and I guessthey felt like he was beneath
her and they wanted someone else, someone with more money.
That's a trend in my family,but that's a story for another
day and that's no shade to myfamily.
(01:06):
By the way, everybody'sdifferent, different things are
important to different people,but anyway, I guess I don't know
.
My parents fell in love andthen I came to be, but my
parents weren't married yet, sothey got married while my mom
was pregnant with me.
My grandma tried to pay my dadto not marry my mom, because
(01:27):
that's how much they did notwant him like in her life, I
guess.
But I guess my dad had someintegrity because he did not
take the money and married mymom.
So my parents were together forI guess three years.
We lived in a town calledPopayan in Colombia, and in
Colombia because it's, you know,not like here in the US,
(01:51):
sometimes family rent rooms inhouses instead of like renting
houses or buying a house.
So this room was kind of like astudio apartment and there's a
small kitchen room, all that.
My dad, like I said, he was apolice officer and my mom stayed
at home with me.
I remember my mom always tellsme the story that I left and I
(02:14):
started walking to go find mydad and one of the police
officers found me walking.
I told him I was looking for mydad and so he brought me back
home.
I always think that story is socute.
Eventually, I guess, they splitup.
My mom left.
I was told my mom's version ofthe story.
Obviously, I didn't talk to mydad.
(02:36):
I never saw him again after Iturned three, that last time
that I saw him.
So the only side that I knewwas my mom's.
So the first conversation wasthe one on the motorcycle, when
my dad picked me up.
He was taking me to the riverand I saw a field burning and I
(02:56):
asked my dad why it was burning.
He told me it was sugar canes.
I don't remember if heexplained to me why they burned
them, I just know that's what hesaid.
So the second conversation,that first one I was three, by
the way.
The second one was on the phonebecause, like I said, I never
got to really see him again.
I was 10.
My mom met the person that shemarried, that brought us to this
(03:20):
country, and I guess she was inthe process of doing my visa or
something.
I wanted to see my dad before Ileft Colombia and my mom says
that she tried to get me to seehim and that he wanted to see me
.
She has said that she decidedat the end to not let me see him
(03:41):
because she was afraid he wouldtake me away.
But I remember when I was onthe phone with him, that time,
when I was 10, I told him that Iwanted him to take me to live
with him.
I remember him saying thatwasn't a good idea and that I
needed to sit with my mom andthat's where I needed to be.
I felt so hurt whenever he saidthat to me because it was like
(04:02):
rejection, it was like myabandonment, feeling like I'm
not good enough to love.
It was all those things that Ifelt at that time and me and my
mom's relationship has alwaysbeen kind of weird.
Not that I don't love my mom, Ido but it's just weird and I
always longed for my dad.
I used to think it was becauseI saw other kids with their dad
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and I just as a kid, you know,you want what you see everyone
else has.
But the more I've thought aboutit, I don't think that's what
it was, because I did see otherkids with just one parent, but I
always longed for him.
I guess, whenever you just haveone parent and you feel like
you're not getting along withthat parent, but I always longed
for him.
I guess whenever you just haveone parent and you feel like
you're not getting along withthat parent, at least you can
(04:49):
turn to the other one if you hadit, but I couldn't tell you why
it was so important to me.
I guess I just wanted thatsupport from a male.
After that second conversation,I moved to the US.
I personally don't believe thatkids should be raised by one
parent.
There are circumstances where,yes, that's not avoidable, and I
(05:10):
understand that.
But I've always felt like, ifit's possible, kids should be
raised by both their parents,and that doesn't mean the
parents have to be together.
You can co -parent and you canraise your kids together even if
you're not together.
It is definitely possible.
You just have to put yourpersonal differences aside, your
own personal feelings, for thewell-being of your child, this
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personal opinion, the way I seeit.
So that was the secondconversation with my dad.
So my mom and I ended up movingto the US.
She had married somebody.
They had sent me to Colombiafor the summer the following
year and when I came back my momhad her own place and they had
split up, and every time my momwould have a boyfriend, I would
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instantly turn them into my dad.
I would call them dad.
I just wanted that so bad and Ithink in a way I probably made
my mom feel pressured intogiving that to me and I wish I
hadn't done that because I'msure she made a lot of choices
based off of that.
But I was a kid, I didn't knowany better.
So after we moved away from himwe lived on our own, just me and
(06:17):
her.
So my mom started working for asecurity company, like as a
security guard, and I guess shegot close to her supervisor it
was a man.
I remember one time she wasabout to come home from work and
she basically told me she wasgoing to pick me up.
So I said, ok, when she pickedme up, she picked me up with
(06:39):
this guy and I was just kind oflike not too sure he was not
what I expected or what I wasused to my mom dating.
I remember he took us toDenny's and my mom, you know
she's a broke single mom.
So we didn't go out to eat veryoften or anything like that.
And if we did, you know you hadto keep it cheap, get water and
(07:02):
things like that.
So whenever we went out withhim I was allowed to get I think
I was allowed to get a shakeand I thought that was like the
coolest thing ever and I thoughthe was so nice for that and I
remember seeing that he had atattoo and growing up tattoos
were like a no-no, like you werenot a good person if you had
tattoos.
(07:23):
So I kind of made a commentabout the tattoo Side note.
That's hilarious now thinkingback because I'm covered in
tattoos.
But anyway, back to the story.
I made a comment about it.
I believe he answered me.
He was actually very open totalking to me.
(07:43):
Considering I was a kid, thatwas kind of, you know, it was
kind of different and it wasnice.
So eventually, you know, theykept dating.
My mom and I moved in to hisapartment and it was like a
total different world when wemoved in with him, because he
lived in the north side ofDallas, which not a bad
(08:04):
neighborhood, but it was justdifferent, culturally different.
We lived in Las Colinas when wefirst got to this country, so
it was definitely different, butI actually I liked it, I didn't
mind it.
When I went to school in LasColinas I actually used to get
bullied a lot because I wasColombian.
I guess that's different.
It was for sure at that moment.
(08:25):
So once we moved in with him,you know, I guess things got
more serious with him and my momand they started looking for a
house and my mom got pregnant.
We bought a house.
Well, they bought a house andwe moved to Sachse and I loved
living in Sachse.
I loved that house.
(08:45):
I've never you know, I hadnever had anything like that
before In Colombia.
The houses are different, theneighborhoods are different and
my mom and I we lived in anapartment and actually it was a
nice apartment, but this wasjust.
It was different.
Everything here in my eyes justlooked so beautiful when I
(09:07):
first came here.
The streets in Colombia aren'tclean.
There's no such thing aslittering, because it looks like
that all the time and you'renot going to get in trouble for
it.
So after a while living in thathouse, my mom had stopped
working.
Her and him started a businessand we used to go to something
(09:28):
called Canton First Mondays andit was so fun because every time
we would go we get to eat likeFrito pie and you could walk
around and see the other vendors.
It was really fun.
So I used to love going outthere.
My mom would sell some of herthings and then they would sell
(09:48):
what their business was.
Everything seemed to be goingokay and I actually really loved
this person.
It was the first time that Ifelt like, okay, I have a dad,
like I have a family, and I washappy.
My sister was born and Iactually got to name her my poor
sister.
I was like 14.
(10:10):
So I named her cartooncharacters, but I love her.
Hopefully she doesn't hate me.
After my sister was born, thingswere okay for a while and maybe
they weren't, but I was a kidso I didn't know.
I know my mom wasn't workingand all of the bills,
responsibilities, everythingfell on him and they also had
that business.
And maybe the business wasn'tworking and all of the bills,
(10:30):
responsibilities, everythingfell on him and they also had
that business and maybe thebusiness wasn't doing so well.
I don't really know what.
I guess what was really thebreaking point for my mom, but I
know that I know she moved out.
We moved out.
I'm not entirely sure I knowfor a while we lived somewhere
else.
Sure I know for a while welived somewhere else.
(10:51):
So maybe, yes, we moved out.
I think the stress became a lotfor him.
I guess my mom had told himthat it was over and he took it
really hard.
I remember coming home toschool one day and my mom wasn't
home.
He was just kind of liketalking to me, telling me that
he didn't understand and thingslike that.
I was a teenager so I mean Ididn't understand either.
To me it was like he's beengood to us and we have a family.
(11:14):
Honestly, that's all I caredabout.
It was a family, but my mom andI have different views when it
comes to that.
My mom grew up in a very abusivehousehold, so for her growing
up, she always felt like it hadbeen better for my grandma to
leave and then be on their ownthan her to endure the abuse
(11:36):
that they all had to go through.
I understand, I understand whyshe feels that way, but I didn't
grow up that way.
I grew up with just her and Ireally did want that family and
I loved having it.
I was so excited when my sisterwas born because I had always
wanted a sibling.
Even though her and I wereyears apart, it was still nice.
(11:57):
When she was born, she was mybaby.
So one day I went off to schooland I usually always would bring
my house keys, but I didn't.
That day, for whatever reason.
I went to school.
My mom and my sister and him.
They were all at the house whenI left.
So when I came home thatevening, that's when I realized
(12:17):
I left my key.
So I was like oh okay, and Iknocked on the door and my mom
came to the door and I looked ather face and I saw like a weird
look in her eyes and shestarted to mumble something to
me and I just kind of like Icouldn't make out what she was
saying and I think she felt himlike coming up behind her.
(12:39):
So she just said run, run, run.
And so I started runningbecause she started running and
while we were running I realizedthat the baby wasn't with us
and I asked her like where's thebaby?
She said she's asleep.
I said well, we need to get her.
And she was like she'll be fine.
And we just kept running and Iwas so confused.
(13:00):
But I was just running with mymom and we were knocking on
doors.
We were trying to find like aneighbor so we could use a phone
, but this was like three in theday, so everybody was at work.
Finally, my mom saw one of myclassmates that I had just got
off the bus with and she raninto their house and just did it
(13:23):
and just started hystericallysaying she needed to call the
police and you know, so on andso forth.
So on that day I found out mymom was pretty much held hostage
in that house the whole day.
She was beaten, she was abused.
A lot of horrible thingshappened to my mom that day as
(13:43):
my little 18-month-old sisterwas watching.
Before, in a past life for himhe was involved with drugs.
That is something he never hidand he was very upfront about it
with my mom, so she knew this.
But he left all of those thingsbehind and he worked to become
(14:04):
a better person.
I'm not making excuses for himbut, just like with anyone else,
I would want to have grace.
Better person.
I'm not making excuses for himbut, just like with anyone else,
I would want to have grace andunderstanding.
I feel like everything became alot for him and as a man you
tend to hold those things in.
You tend to want to put yourbest face forward for the sake
(14:25):
of your family and you just kindof deal on your own.
Unfortunately for him, hestarted dealing on his own with
cocaine, and when this happenedis when I found out that my mom
found out that he was back ondrugs and that's why we were
leaving.
But again, I didn't know.
That was one of the mosthorrible days of my life.
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So because my sister was in thehouse, this was treated as a
hostage situation Y'all, Icannot make this up.
My house was surrounded by SWATNewsvans pulled up.
I mean, it was complete chaos.
In front of my house there werehostage negotiators talking to
(15:09):
him to basically let my sisterout and she was actually taking
a nap.
What was going on in between Idon't remember.
I know an ambulance came andthey actually took my mom.
So I was kind of left behind.
I was just waiting for mylittle sister, but at this point
I'm like 15 years old, soobviously they weren't going to
(15:32):
release an infant to me.
I finally remember seeing herwalking out.
She was 18 months old, likeAudrey's age.
She was so little.
She walked out the door and shewas really like sleepy.
You could tell she had justwoke up.
So she stumbled out on her ownand he went back in.
(15:53):
I wanted to run and grab her.
His family took her.
Actually, they grabbed her andtook her away.
Didn't like my mom, or me forthat matter.
So when they grabbed her.
I really just wanted to see herand make sure she was okay.
I had been worried the wholetime and they didn't let me see
her.
They just took her, put her inthe car and I was chasing the
car and they took off and droveaway and I remember I fell down
(16:17):
to my knees because I justwanted to like hold her and hug
her and I was so scared becauseI thought I'd never see her
again.
My mom wasn't there.
I was so confused.
This man is still locked in thehouse At this point.
I don't know if they're goingto bust in there and kill him
Like I don't even know.
So eventually I guess they wentin, got him no harm to him.
(16:39):
The craziest part is this manwas bailed out.
He was released the nextmorning After that.
I was so terrified of seeinghim.
We went back to the housebecause we had to get our stuff
and we went into the closettheir bedroom closet to get some
of my mom's stuff and we pulledsome clothes back and we saw
(17:00):
kitchen knives that were stashedwithin those clothes.
His plan was to basically takethe whole family out, like he
was going to take us all out.
After that I feel like that'swhen my mental issues really
started to manifest.
I remember we had moved into anew apartment and we came home
one day and I saw a box ofRaisin Bran cereal on top of the
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fridge and I was so scared Likeyou would think I just saw like
a ghost, because I was soscared and I started like having
a panic attack and I was cryingand I told my mom where that
cereal come from.
The reason why that cerealtriggered and scared me was
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because he would buy that cerealand we always had it at our
house.
So in my like young kid mind II was like surely he broke in,
he put the cereal there and nowhe was going to kill us all,
like I know.
So crazy, but that's how youthink when you're a kid.
(18:08):
So from that moment forward,when we would come home, I would
leave the door open and I wouldwalk into every single space in
our house.
I would pull back the showercurtain, I would check the
closets, I would make surenothing was covered so that I
(18:28):
can make sure he wasn't in thehouse, and only after I did that
did I close the door and justkind of I guess, chill.
But that became my life.
That was what I would do everytime I would go home and it
spilled on to you know adulthood, like when I moved out on my
own.
So the reason why I'm tellingyou about him is because he was
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the closest thing I ever had toa dad even more than my own dad,
if anything thing I ever had toa dad, even more than my own
dad, if anything.
This man hurt me more than myown dad did, because my dad left
, but he was there and he madechoices that ultimately not only
ruined our family but couldhave potentially taken away the
(19:18):
only person that I've ever hadin my life which was my mom.
And to me at that moment thatwas unforgivable.
I've always been superprotective of my mom and that
was just something I justcouldn't forgive because she is
all I've ever had and this manwas like two seconds away from
(19:38):
taking her from me and theneverything that happened with my
sister.
I just like he did a lot ofdamage and on top of everything,
he wanted to hurt all of usAfter him.
I guess my mom, I guess my momgave up at that moment and I
gave up on the idea of a family,at least in that, with that
(19:59):
dynamic of having a dad, a mom,me and my sister, I went on
through my life kind of bottlingup everything I felt towards my
dad, towards this man.
I didn't really know how I feltabout my dad.
Honestly, I didn't feel angry.
I guess I learned to just dowithout him.
And whenever you grow up andbecome an adult, you just kind
(20:20):
of feel like I mean, I've madeit this far without them,
there's really no use for themanymore.
And I don't know what came overme a few years ago and I
started to look for him.
I think it was around the timethat I was diagnosed, I don't
remember, but I started to lookfor him using my investigative
skills on Facebook and I askedmy mom and I do want to say I
(20:42):
had asked my mom about himpreviously and I even asked my
uncle.
My uncle didn't want to helpbecause I don't know his own
personal reasons.
I guess he felt like I didn'tneed him.
I don't know, not his decisionto make, by the way.
And when I asked my mom, Ithink she said she didn't know.
I don't remember, but I askedher again at this point a few
(21:02):
years ago and she told me thename of an aunt.
So I found this aunt.
I messaged her and I asked herlike, do you know, jose?
That is my dad's name.
And I said, um, my first nameis Carolina.
I'm Carolina, I'm Jose'sdaughter.
I'm looking for him.
She was so nice and soundedreally excited to talk to me, so
(21:23):
she eventually passed themessage on to my dad, who then
got in contact with me.
I honestly couldn't believethat I had found him and I went
through his Facebook because Iwondered if he had ever looked
for me and I saw a post from afew years back that he sent to a
girl named Carolina and hepretty much asked her if she was
(21:47):
his daughter.
I also saw he posted this songthat he had dedicated to me when
I was little.
It's called Mi Corazon Lloro.
It's a Spanish song and it's adad and he's calling the mom's
house and the little boyanswered.
A little boy answers the phone,the dad knows obviously that's
(22:08):
his son, but the little boydoesn't know that the person
calling is his dad.
So the dad starts asking himlike how's school going?
And things like that, and thelittle boy says that the
neighbors take him to schoolwhen his mommy's at work,
because he doesn't have a dad.
So in the song the dad isasking to speak with the mom and
(22:30):
the little boy says she'sshowering, and then at the end
he says oh, she's left.
In the song the dad tells thelittle boy tell your mom that I
love her very much and I loveyou.
The little boy says how can youlove me?
You don't even know me.
He goes on the conversation andat the end, after he says his
(22:51):
mom's left, the dad says to thelittle boy he's saying goodbye.
The little boy says goodbye,sir, and the dad says goodbye,
son, son.
I saw my dad had posted that onhis facebook and I knew why he
had posted that.
It was because of me.
It was kind of nice to knowthat he had been looking for me
too and it made me feel likemaybe he does love me.
(23:12):
I honestly couldn't tell youwhat the first conversation
between my dad and I was.
It was.
It was weird.
I didn't know if I should callhim Jose or papi, papa, I didn't
know.
It was just weird.
It was such a foreign conceptfor me.
I talked to my dad a few moretimes after that.
There was the last conversationand all I remember is he said
(23:37):
something not so favorable aboutmy mother and, like I said, I
was very protective of my mom.
So at that time I immediatelywent like walls up, guards up,
and I blocked my dad and Ididn't talk to him.
You know, I feel like one ofthe reasons I blocked him and
didn't talk to him anymore, it'salmost like I felt like I was
(23:59):
betraying my mom After all thoseyears of her doing it on her
own.
Here I am letting him come intomy life after he left us and I
never, ever, wanted to hurt mymom in any way, shape or form,
like my mom was my life, becauseshe was all I ever had.
So the third most importantconversation I had with my dad,
(24:21):
once everything hit the fan inmy life with my family, my
marriage, whatever you want tocall it I was so mad and I
wanted answers and I wasn'tgetting them at home.
So I decided to take it out onmy dad.
I just felt like, if this mandoesn't have answers for me, my
dad better give me some answers.
(24:42):
I know that sounds stupid, butthat's how I felt, honestly.
So I called my dad after I hadblocked him and I told him I
want to know what happened.
What happened with you and mymom?
What is the real story?
And don't tell me in thislittle sweet make believe story,
because I feel like when Ifirst started talking to him, he
(25:06):
would talk to me like in thisreally positive, happy,
everything was great.
I don't know what went wrongand I'm like no, I'm a grown
woman.
Give it to me straight, stopplaying with me.
Okay, I'm going to back just abit.
One thing that I also saw on mydad's Facebook was that he had a
(25:26):
son.
He had to be around 18.
He was younger, obviously muchyounger than me, because by the
time I found my dad, I think Iwas already 30.
And I saw that my dad was partof his life.
I knew I had brothers and Iknew I was the only girl, but I
didn't know my dad was part ofany of our lives.
(25:47):
And I felt, honestly, I waskind of salty, like why him Like
?
Why did my dad decide to be adad with him but not with me?
And I mean, that's the humanside of me, that's the, that's
the selfish part of me, becausehonestly, I should be happy to
(26:09):
see that at least he grew up andsomeone else didn't have to
endure the pain that I wentthrough.
Unfortunately, you don't seethings like that.
You don't see them in that way,especially not when you're
still hurting, not at thatmoment.
So back to the day, when Icalled my dad and I was like
(26:29):
just tell me everything.
Like I need to know whathappened.
Were you cheating on my mom?
Were you an alcoholic?
Like I asked my dad so manythings and I talked to him like
man to man, like talk to me likestraight, don't, I'm not your
daughter right now and honestlyI didn't feel like he deserved
(26:51):
any respect from me anyway.
Like you left me when I wasthree.
Come on, that man answeredeverything.
He explained to me whathappened between him and my mom.
He admitted to having adrinking problem the only thing
that he did not say he did andwith him kind of admitting
everything else.
I don't see why he would lieabout this.
(27:12):
But only him, and God know.
I guess my mom had always toldme that I had a brother that was
my same age, because my dad wasseeing other women while they
were together, and when I askedmy dad about that, he said no,
you have an older brother, butyou guys aren't not the same age
, he said.
I truly did love your mom, hesaid, but it all became too much
(27:35):
.
Her family was too much.
So after he clarified all that,I asked my dad the most
important question that I hadthat I had needed an answer for
for the past 27 years why did heleave me?
Why did he not fight for me?
Why didn't he love me enough tobe there for me?
(27:57):
And my dad said to me I know Ididn't do the right thing.
He said I was scared.
He said I couldn't be a dad toyou because I didn't know how to
be one, because I didn't havean example of a good dad.
So it was, it was best for me toleave, because I didn't know
what I was doing.
I said to my dad you know, withall due respect, jose, that's
(28:18):
not an excuse.
I said we all have a choice inlife and we cannot blame our
parents for our choices,regardless of whether you had an
example or not, it was yourchoice to not stay and try.
It was your choice to not learnhow to be a dad.
You took the easy way outInstead of going through the
(28:42):
growing the difficulties youdecided to leave for you, but
you never thought about me andwhat that would do to me growing
up and what it would do to mein my life, for my whole life.
What I am about to say again,it's no shade on my mom, but I
told him no one taught me how tobe a mom, because being a mom
(29:02):
is more than just providing andtelling your kids what to do.
But I made a choice.
I made a choice to take thosegood things that I learned from
my mom but improve on them.
My mom made her choices and Iwill never judge her for that.
Those were her choices.
But I wanted to make differentchoices.
(29:23):
I wanted to make choices thatwould benefit my kids and not
just me, and not just my ownpersonal feelings.
My ultimate goal was for my kidsto have the best, for my kids
to have what I didn't have,aside from what I was going
through, my feelings, whateveraside, whatever anybody else
(29:44):
thought, I made a choice.
No one showed me and if I hadjust gone with what I had seen,
my kids would have a verydifferent life right now.
Again, no shade to my mom.
I don't think I'm better thanher.
I don't think I am a better mom, none of that.
I just made different choicesfor the sake of my kids and she
(30:04):
did what she thought was bestwith what she knew at the time.
But I did what I felt was bestfor my kids and I went on and
tried to improve on that.
So when I told my dad, neitheryou nor her taught me how to be
a parent, but I still made achoice for my kids, even though
(30:29):
a lot of times that choice hasnot been easy for me.
There has been a lot ofsacrifice behind a lot of
choices that I have made that noone knows about except me and
God.
Not even my kids know thesacrifices that I have made for
their sake, and I have truly hadto put my own feelings and my
(30:53):
own wants aside because I wantedwhat was best for them.
But my parents chose what wasbest for them, not me for what
was easiest and felt the bestfor them.
After I said that to my dad, Ihonestly expected for him to be
(31:13):
like you, little rude.
You know what?
But you know what?
At that moment my dad said tome you're right, you are right,
it was my choice.
And if I had another chance Iwould choose differently.
And he said to me that he wouldreally like it if we could try
to build a relationship fromthat moment on.
(31:34):
Y'all.
This was a few years ago and Iwish I could say I had so much
grace and forgiveness in myheart at that moment for my dad,
but I didn't.
I felt like I was 30.
I'd already made it this farwithout him.
I didn't need him and I feltlike why should he get the
privilege of being in my lifewhen he had nothing to do with
(31:58):
the person that I was?
So I said something along thoselines to him, not as mean, but
I'm sure it still didn't feelgood.
At the end I said we couldstill talk, but honestly, I
never talked to my dad againafter that.
I felt like I had got myanswers and that's all I needed
from him.
I regret that now honestly, butthat's because I see things
(32:20):
differently now.
We all deserve a second,sometimes a third, maybe a
fourth chance, because none ofus have got it right every
single time, the first time orthe second time.
I have made the same mistake afew times.
So I should have given my dadmore grace and I never got to
tell him this.
But I have so much respect forthe way he responded after what
(32:45):
I said because he owned, heowned his ish.
He didn't excuse it, he didn'ttry to blame it on my mom.
If anything, he honestly neverspoke badly about her.
So I respect him for that.
Y si, por algún milagro José, túescuchas esto, nada más.
Quiero que sepas yodefinitivamente aprecio de la
(33:09):
manera que me respondiste, de lamanera que me diste todas las
respuestas que yo necesitabatoda mi vida.
Yo tengo nada más que respetopor ti y yo quiero que sepas que
(33:30):
yo no te odio y que yo heperdonado todas las cosas que
han pasado.
Te agradezco por.
Those are the three mostimportant conversations I've
ever had with my dad.
But what this taught me is lifeis determined by choices, and
sometimes it's not the choicesthat you make, it's the choices
that others make, and sometimestheir choices are the choices
(33:53):
that you make and sometimes areinfluenced because of the
choices that they have seen thepeople before them make.
This is where we have theopportunity to break
generational curses.
We have the opportunity tochange the trajectory of our
(34:13):
families, of our kids' futures,of our own life.
Because, yes, I was 34, 33 whenI started to see the error of
my ways.
It was before that when Istarted seeing the errors of my
(34:34):
parenting, because I saw thetype of relationship that I had
with my kids and I didn't wantthat.
I didn't want my kids to growup and have to heal from my
crappy parenting just because Iwas repeating the same cycle,
because my mother was repeatinga light on how important choices
are, and I want you to see thedomino effect that it has on
(35:06):
people's lives.
My father not being there,unfortunately unintentionally
created a void within me and itcreated a narrative that I
wasn't good enough, that Iwasn't worth it.
So I was looking for anyone tofill that void my stepdad.
He made a choice to go to drugsto ease his own personal pain
(35:31):
at the expense of everyonearound him, which could have
ultimately cost my mother, herlife, me and my sister.
By the grace of God, that wasnot what happened.
However, his choice stillaffected all of us.
My mental health issues startedat that point.
My sister had trauma to thepoint where she had to have a
(35:54):
speech therapist and it caused alot of different issues for her
in life that she still has todeal with to this day.
His choices affected my motherbecause she was already dealing
with mental health issues andthat just like threw her over
the edge and we all had likePTSD.
(36:15):
We lived in fear for a lot ofyears.
So the choices these two menmade have greatly affected me in
life.
But instead of me keeping on thecycle and just saying like, oh
well, I went through this, thatand the other, so that's why I'm
like this, that's a cop out anda lot of us do that, a lot of
us just stay in that victimmentality and it's like won't me
(36:37):
Just stay in that victimmentality and it's like, won't
me, I act this way because ofthat and I'm sorry, but I call
BS.
You act this way because youchoose to act this way.
If anything, living throughcertain things, people making
certain choices, should make youwant to make better choices.
(36:59):
It should make you want to bebetter because you've already
experienced the pain and thestruggle of having somebody's
choices affect you and affectyour life.
So why would you even want todo that to somebody else?
That is beyond me.
So let's stop blaming ourparents, blaming our past,
(37:25):
blaming our trauma all of thesethings, for the choices that we
make, or the people that we are,or the people we become,
because you have a choice, justlike they had a choice before
you.
Had they made a differentchoice, you wouldn't even have
to have gone through all thethings that have hurt you.
(37:45):
So think about that.
I think that's all I have fortoday.
For this one, I want to say aprayer, dear Lord.
I want to pray for anyone wholistens to this, who is
struggling with past trauma, whois having to pay for the
choices that others have made,who are still trying to navigate
through all that hurt, all thatpain, and shine a light
(38:07):
narrative for their family, fortheir future family and for
themselves in their own life.
In Jesus name, amen, thank youall for listening today.
(38:28):
Remember God loves you.
You're enough, you were builtfor this and you do not have to
stay where you're at Until nexttime.
Good night,
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