February 3, 2025 • 27 mins
This episode focuses on the emotion of anger, exploring its root causes, significance in human experience, and strategies for managing it constructively. We emphasize that anger is natural and valid, encouraging listeners to acknowledge their feelings, understand their triggers, and find healthier ways to express anger.
• Recognizing anger as a natural part of life
• Exploring common triggers for anger
• Discussing biblical perspectives on anger
• Understanding the difference between feeling angry and acting on it
• Practical tips for pausing and processing anger
• Finding positive outlets for anger through self-care
• The importance of self-forgiveness and moving forward
• Encouragement to express feelings constructively to prevent harm to others
Thank you for listening 💞 You are loved You are enough You are NOT alone You were built for this.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You better check yourself before you break
yourself.
You better check yourselfbefore you break yourself.
Hey, what's up you guys?
Welcome back to Check Yourself.
I'm your host, harley.
I pray everyone has been havinga great start off to your year.
I am doing a 21-day fast withmy church.
(00:23):
So far it's going pretty okay.
I have failed a couple of timeson one thing I chose to do
three different things, but it'sbeen going good.
So I pray it's going good foryou with whatever it is that
you're starting your new yearoff with.
So the other day we had grouplike I'm part of a church group
(00:47):
for mental health.
We were kind of going over whatour goals were for the year and
things like that.
Everyone just kind of had acommon goal and it actually
inspired me to do this episode,because it's something I also
struggle with to this this day.
It's not the same as it used tobe, but it is something I still
(01:09):
struggle with.
I kind of wanted to share whatI have learned.
Maybe it will help you.
Today we're going to talk aboutanger, because I feel like that
is an emotion that a lot of usstruggle with.
It's also an emotion that wefeel ashamed of and want to get
rid of.
So what is anger?
Believe it or not?
(01:30):
Anger?
It's actually a survivalemotion that it's very important
to feel and acknowledge.
I know that anger is viewedvery negatively.
Even myself, I wish I didn'tget angry.
I don't like to get angry.
Anger is viewed very negatively.
Even myself.
I wish I didn't get angry.
I don't like to get angry.
Anger does not have to benegative.
It's an emotion just like whenyou feel love or when you feel
(01:54):
happy.
But this survival emotionactually triggers the flight or
fight in us.
We usually feel angry whensomeone hurts us.
We can get angry if somethingis aggravating to us or someone
acts a certain way towards you.
You don't feel like it's fairor it's right.
(02:16):
You can also be angry at asituation or if something
happens to a loved one.
Sometimes we are angry aboutthings that are happening in the
world.
Being physically or mentallytired can also trigger you to be
angry.
If you've like worked forhowever many hours for me, like
(02:37):
if I haven't had a break tomyself, if I am being
overstimulated, that can get meto start getting frustrated
because I just need a moment tomyself.
Sometimes anger is the surfacefeeling, but there's actually
something under it that you aregoing through or feeling which
(03:00):
is the actual problem In thatsituation.
You'd want to address thatfeeling as opposed to addressing
the anger Kind of understandinga little bit of what anger
means.
We can stop approaching angeras a bad thing.
Anger is a normal human emotion.
It's one of many emotions thatwe have and, just like any other
(03:22):
emotion, it's important to feeland acknowledge what you're
feeling.
I love that the Bible tells astory about Jesus at the temple.
So this story is Mark 11, 15 to17.
And it reads On reachingJerusalem, jesus entered the
temple courts and began drivingout those who were buying and
(03:42):
selling there.
He overturned the tables of themoney changers and the benches
of those selling doves and wouldnot allow anyone to carry
merchandise through the templecourts.
As he taught them.
He said Is it not written myhouse will be called a house of
prayer for all nations.
(04:03):
You've made it a den of robbers.
I love this story because itshows that human side of Jesus.
It shows us that anger is ahuman emotion that doesn't have
to be negative.
Even Jesus felt frustration forthings happening to something
(04:23):
that was so sacred to him andshould be sacred to all of us I
definitely want to say don'tfeel bad for feeling anger and
definitely don't beat yourselfup about it.
I believe in one of the waysthat anger can become negative
is if you stay there Just likeany other emotion.
When I talked about depression,you want to feel and validate
(04:47):
those feelings.
However, you don't have to staythere.
You can handle it in differentways which won't be negative,
and you don't want to walkaround that way all the time
because it's very draining, notonly for you but everyone around
you.
As I have shared, I have gonethrough a separation.
(05:08):
During the separation, Iobviously had friends that were
kind of helping me navigatethrough how I was feeling and
things like that.
They knew some of the thingsthat were going on and they
would get upset because ofeverything that has happened and
in that anger that they had,they would give me advice on how
(05:32):
to handle situations.
However, the advice had I taken, it would just create more
problems later on and it's notsomething I would feel good
about acting out in that way.
In the past, whenever I getangry, I would tend to scream a
(05:53):
lot.
It's not like I don't do thatnow.
I do scream sometimes, like ifthe kids do something, I scream.
I also would like break thingsin the past during arguments.
I would just get so mad.
I would grab whatever theclosest thing I could find and I
would either throw it or breakit or you know whatever.
(06:17):
If I had pictures, I would ripthem.
Just things like that.
That's kind of what them, justthings like that.
That's kind of what, like,where I would allow the anger to
take me to.
A lot of us handle anger adifferent way, whether it's
physically if you decide tocause physical harm to another
person One of the main ways thatwe lash out or express our
(06:42):
anger is with words.
We tend to use words to putdown the other person.
Also, a lot of times, if it'ssomeone that we know personally,
we tend to betray their trustby using things that they have
expressed to us or trusted uswith that are like deep
(07:05):
insecurities or hurtful thingsthat they've gone through,
things that they feel and thinkthat are very personal but they
decided to share with you.
A lot of times we take that andwe use it as a weapon whenever
we're angry towards that person.
At that point, not only haveyou hurt this person, but you've
(07:26):
also betrayed their trust.
None of these things arepositive ways of expressing our
anger.
Honestly, it could lead tobigger problems.
If you physically assaultsomebody, that's not going to be
good for you.
If you're driving on the highwayI know this is a big thing for
(07:48):
people Like when you're drivingyou get mad and you know you
start beeping at each other.
That is extremely dangerous.
I've had people flip me off somany times it's just because I
drive very slow, like a littlegrandma.
But I am not comfortabledriving fast.
I usually like move over andlet people pass me.
(08:08):
I get on the slow lane orwhatever.
I have gotten so many fingersin the past.
I would actually like follow ordrive up to the person and I
would just like start screamingout of my car.
I didn't realize how dangerousthat was, because you don't know
what that other person is goingthrough.
(08:28):
They're probably much moreangry than you.
That's how that could escalatebetraying that person's trust.
Because this might be that aone-time argument.
But now you place a rip in thatrelationship, whether that's
your child a rip in thatrelationship, whether that's
(08:49):
your child, your family, yoursignificant other, it's still
trust that they've given you andnow you have used that as a
weapon against them.
So now we know that anger, theemotion, is not the problem,
it's our actions.
As it says in Ephesians 4, 26,.
In your anger, do not sin.
Do not let the sun go downwhile you are still angry.
(09:09):
I love that verse because it'stelling you there is no sin in
feeling anger.
It's not a bad thing, it's anemotion.
However, it's the way you reactto that anger.
The other part of that versewhich I love and I think it's
very important that it's tellingyou to not dwell in that anger.
(09:31):
You don't want to dwell in anyemotion.
Being able to recognize thatyou're angry or that you feel
anger or you're becoming angry,it's a powerful tool that you
can use.
Angry.
It's a powerful tool that youcan use.
It's also a good way to havelike a meter for yourself on
what you can and cannot handle,maybe situations that you should
(09:54):
or shouldn't place yourselfinto, because you already know
where that eventually could leadto.
Things like you get upsetwhenever unfair things are going
on in the world.
Maybe be more selective ofwhere you receive your news, at
what time you receive it.
Maybe, if it's the starting ofyour day, you might want to hold
(10:16):
off so that that doesn't setthe tone.
Another thing that you can tryto avoid is thinking of
something someone did to you andjust kind of like replaying it
over and over again on your mind.
I was actually advised to dothis by someone.
They told me that every time Iinteracted with a certain person
(10:40):
that I was having issues with,to think about all the bad
things that they ever did to me.
I thought that was terribleadvice because it's fueling the
anger.
You're not trying to get awayfrom it.
Those are just a coupleexamples.
There is different things thatmake different people mad,
different situations that weplace ourselves into which could
(11:02):
eventually lead to us beingupset or focusing on certain
things.
For example, you go out withyour significant other and
you're a jealous person beingable to understand and
acknowledge to yourself it'sjust an outing.
The person, significant otheror whoever is there with you to
(11:24):
spend time and whatever it isthat you guys are doing.
Everyone is not there to try tolike steal your boyfriend
girlfriend away.
They're just there also doingtheir own thing.
I know another big one is likepeople feeling disrespected.
I don't like it whenever I goto like a place and someone's
(11:46):
rude to me and I feel like it'sconnected to either the way that
I look, the way that I talk, ormy tattoos or my kids.
Like that upsets me.
I think being in that mindsetof like defense already is
placing myself into a situationto get angry.
(12:07):
It's not like a physical placethat I've put myself into, it's
not the place, but it's themindset I've already placed
myself into, that someone'sbeing rude to me because of this
, that and the third when maybethey were rude just because they
were having a bad day and ithad nothing to do with anything
that I was thinking.
So that is another example ofhow we place ourselves into
(12:30):
these situations.
We have already created thescenario or the narrative in our
head.
What is a better way to handleour anger?
Anger is something I havestruggled with a lot in the past
and I do still struggle with it.
One of the things I havestarted doing whenever I can
(12:51):
feel myself getting angry isalmost like I pause, like you do
when you're watching TV.
I just hit pause on everything.
I try to not pay attention toeverything going on around me
and I try to just take a moment,take a breath if it's possible
acknowledge that I am gettingupset.
(13:12):
I try to pinpoint to what upsetme.
Now, this is like a quick thing, that you have to do all these
things in a very brief momentand at that time you want to ask
yourself how do you want tomove forward?
I immediately want to moveforward with probably the most
(13:32):
negative response.
That's what comes to me.
But then I ask myself, no,really, what is the best way to
move forward?
If it's something that happenswhile I am with someone, like
I'm with the person that'smaking me angry, or if I'm at a
place, like a public setting,even in the car, like the
(13:55):
traffic thing as I mentioned, Iobviously don't want to have a
reaction that can be hurtful tothe other person or can escalate
the situation.
So, in those situations whereyou can't really release at that
moment, I personally havestarted praying.
(14:18):
I will say a prayer to myself,just very simple Ask God to
please help me calm down and totake the words or the actions
that are negative away from me.
Not allow is attached tosomething else as well.
I have literally out loud saidwhat is making me angry and I've
(14:53):
expressed how I feel at thatmoment towards the situation or
if it's a person I have criedwhile I do this, I have screamed
, but I've done it by myself.
I didn't say those words orexpress those emotions with
(15:15):
anger at that moment.
However, I was still able toexpress them and release that
feeling, as opposed to bottlingit up.
Another thing that I do wheneverI am having a lot of anger or
negative feelings, I will turnon worship music or I will pick
(15:35):
up a book that's uplifting and Iwill read that, I will watch a
sermon.
Those are things that work forme.
Maybe for you it's somethingdifferent.
Maybe you want to put likehappy music on that's, you know,
going to get you in a bettermood.
Maybe it's painting.
That's a way you release or away that you calm down.
(15:57):
I have a lot of male friendswho they work out a lot and that
is a way they release likeanger or frustration.
They'll go work out, liftweights.
Just find something that youlove, that makes you happy, that
lifts your spirits, and run tothat thing whenever you feel
(16:18):
this way, because that will helpyou calm down, be able to
process the emotion in ahealthier way.
So the point is not to suppressthe anger and not allow yourself
to feel that way or validateyour feelings or express your
feelings at all.
You should still express whensomeone makes you angry.
(16:43):
If you feel like they'vewronged you, if someone hurts
you, you can express thosethings, but you can do it in a
way where it's not attackingthat person and you're not
coming from a place of revenge.
You are simply voicing how thesituation or the person or the
(17:03):
word said made you feel.
Another helpful thing that Ihave done in the past is I will
write a letter to the personthat has made me angry and I'll
express the reasons and I willjust express myself the way I
would want to.
It's not I'm not going tofilter myself, I'm not going to
(17:26):
like make it sound proper andcutesy.
I'm just going to write downwhat I feel like, what I would
be saying to that person if Ihad like zero control over my
anger.
And again, that's another wayof releasing that anger, anger.
And again that's another way ofreleasing that anger Just kind
(17:46):
of like putting it down on thepaper or whatever computer and
letting it go Like write it,never send it.
It's done.
I believe one of the best thingsyou can do when you're angry at
someone or you're angry atsomething, see the best in that
person.
Think of all of the goodqualities that they have, or
think of all the good thingsthat they've done for you.
(18:09):
Remind yourself of that.
You don't want to view thatperson in the worst light
because, at the end of the day,they haven't stopped being all
those good things because youguys had a bad moment.
That person doesn't stop beinga good person.
We are all trying to navigateour emotions, our circumstances,
(18:32):
day-to-day life.
Rather than seeing each otherin the worst light possible,
let's try seeing the good in oneanother and letting that be the
things that we remember, asopposed to the wrongs that they
have done, either to us or tosomeone else.
(18:52):
What I'm saying is don'tdisregard the whole person just
because you had this one moment,or even if you've had several,
don't disregard the rest of theperson.
So now maybe you're thinking toyourself okay, this is all
great, sounds great, but Ialready messed up, I already
reacted.
It's over, like it's it's.
(19:13):
What's done is done, and youwould be right.
What's done is done.
There is no point on beatingyourself up for the reaction,
beating yourself up for feelingangry.
Instead, think about the factthat okay.
Now I know that I felt angrybecause of this XYZ and I
(19:34):
understand that the way that Ireacted probably not the best
way.
Maybe next time, if there is anext time, whether it's the same
or different situation orsimilar you understand that
specific reaction was not thebest reaction.
But feeling guilt and feelingashamed that is used as a weapon
(19:58):
against you.
Nothing negative comes from theLord.
So feeling ashamed or feelingguilt, it's not an emotion that
God is going to give you.
So if he doesn't give it to you, don't give it to yourself.
Forgive yourself for what'shappened.
Ask yourself why did you reactthis way?
Is it something you saw growingup?
(20:21):
Is it because you wantedrevenge at that moment?
You wanted them to feel just ascrappy as they made you feel.
You want to prove that you arebetter than them, or you are
smarter than them, or whateverit is that you are trying to do
(20:42):
with that reaction.
I think it's also important tothink about the reaction that
you've had and how it affectedthat other person, and placing
yourself in that other person'sshoes, how would you feel if
someone had that anger towardsyou and acted out the anger in
the way that you did?
If it's physical, how would youfeel if someone physically
(21:06):
assaulted you?
If it's with words, how wouldyou feel if those words were
said to you?
If the things that you'veentrusted another person with
were then used as a weaponagainst you?
When you do that, you willbegin to feel remorse for your
actions and at that point you'dwant to ask for forgiveness.
(21:32):
I tend to ask God to forgive mefirst for anything that I feel
like I've done wrong.
I truly feel this conviction.
I know what I have done is notsomething that Jesus would do.
That has changed a lot of myreaction to a lot of different
things, because that has nowbecome my standard for myself.
(21:52):
I'm not going to always do theright thing and I'm not going to
ever be anywhere near theperson Jesus was, but I can
definitely strive to live mylife for the better and not hurt
other people.
So after you have forgivenyourself and you make amends
(22:13):
with God, if you so choose to doso, you'd want to go ahead and
apologize to that person.
Even if they were the ones tomake you mad first, even if the
whole situation was their fault,it doesn't matter.
The fact is, you still reactedin a way that you probably
shouldn't have.
The fact is, you still hurtsomeone.
(22:35):
The fact is you still were rude.
You still flipped that personoff.
Maybe you won't get toapologize to that person, but
you know, say it out loud,apologize to them from afar.
You should apologize andactually feel the remorse.
Now there's other things that wecan't really repair.
(22:55):
As I mentioned, when I wouldget angry in the past, I would
either break something or ripthings up.
The things that broke I willnever be able to fix them.
There are pictures andimportant things that I've had
that I've ripped up.
It sucks because those thingsare gone.
(23:15):
I can't replace them and for meit's just pictures, but for
someone else anger can lead to.
You could hurt someone else andmaybe that's something that you
wouldn't be able to take back.
You also cannot take back anassault charge on your record.
That's going to stay there.
So it's important for us tolearn healthier ways, better
(23:41):
ways to express our anger, sothat we don't end up with
situations like my pictures thatI'll never get back.
Important takeaways Understandthat anger is natural.
What you are feeling is valid.
Your feelings are yours and noone can tell you how to feel,
(24:02):
even if they don't agree withwhat you're feeling.
Once you know the anger iscoming, just stop.
Do not react immediately.
Take a moment, pray, talk toyourself, give yourself a pep
talk.
Once you've calmed down, feelfree to express how you feel,
what they did in a healthier wayor allow yourself to sit with
(24:26):
that anger.
When I say stop, calm yourselfand then express it and not
allowing it to dwell.
Calming the anger does not meansuppressing it.
Suppress it, you're justshoving it down.
It's still there.
When the next thing comes along, the person says the next words
(24:46):
it's going to reignite that andnow you are going to explode.
Getting to a calm place isprocessing in a healthier way,
understanding everything, justacknowledging why this made you
angry and going through theemotions and understanding why
(25:07):
you're having the feelings thatyou're having.
Don't find ways to justify youranger by thinking of all the
bad things this person has done,by looking at them in a
negative light, thinking theydeserve what you did or what
they got.
And if it's too late, justremember to forgive yourself,
(25:28):
ask for forgiveness, find a wayto repair things, but at the end
, move forward.
All right, you guys, that isall I have for today.
I hope this will be helpful foryou whenever you have those
times where you feel like youcannot control your anger, where
(25:49):
you want to take matters intoyour own hands and really stick
it to somebody.
Just remember we are all goingthrough something.
We all have background noisethat we have to deal with in our
own lives.
I say this to a person that Ilove life is already hard enough
(26:12):
.
Let's not do stuff to eachother to make things worse.
Let's not add on to the alreadycrappy things going on in our
life.
So be that person.
Even if the other person decidesnot to join you, you can still
choose to be that person and, Iguess, take the high road.
(26:34):
I don't like calling it highroad, because it sounds kind of
like you think you're betterthan the other person and you're
not.
You're simply handling youremotions in.
You're not.
You're simply handling youremotions in a better way.
You're just doing what's right.
Anyway, I love you guys.
I pray that you have awonderful rest of your week.
Remember that you are loved,you are enough and you were
(26:57):
built for a time like this.
Good night.
You better check yourself before you break
yourself.
You better check yourselfbefore you break yourself.
Hey, what's up you guys?
Welcome back to Check Yourself.
I'm your host, harley.
I pray everyone has been havinga great start off to your year.
I am doing a 21-day fast withmy church.
(00:23):
So far it's going pretty okay.
I have failed a couple of timeson one thing I chose to do
three different things, but it'sbeen going good.
So I pray it's going good foryou with whatever it is that
you're starting your new yearoff with.
So the other day we had grouplike I'm part of a church group
(00:47):
for mental health.
We were kind of going over whatour goals were for the year and
things like that.
Everyone just kind of had acommon goal and it actually
inspired me to do this episode,because it's something I also
struggle with to this this day.
It's not the same as it used tobe, but it is something I still
(01:09):
struggle with.
I kind of wanted to share whatI have learned.
Maybe it will help you.
Today we're going to talk aboutanger, because I feel like that
is an emotion that a lot of usstruggle with.
It's also an emotion that wefeel ashamed of and want to get
rid of.
So what is anger?
Believe it or not?
(01:30):
Anger?
It's actually a survivalemotion that it's very important
to feel and acknowledge.
I know that anger is viewedvery negatively.
Even myself, I wish I didn'tget angry.
I don't like to get angry.
Anger is viewed very negatively.
Even myself.
I wish I didn't get angry.
I don't like to get angry.
Anger does not have to benegative.
It's an emotion just like whenyou feel love or when you feel
(01:54):
happy.
But this survival emotionactually triggers the flight or
fight in us.
We usually feel angry whensomeone hurts us.
We can get angry if somethingis aggravating to us or someone
acts a certain way towards you.
You don't feel like it's fairor it's right.
(02:16):
You can also be angry at asituation or if something
happens to a loved one.
Sometimes we are angry aboutthings that are happening in the
world.
Being physically or mentallytired can also trigger you to be
angry.
If you've like worked forhowever many hours for me, like
(02:37):
if I haven't had a break tomyself, if I am being
overstimulated, that can get meto start getting frustrated
because I just need a moment tomyself.
Sometimes anger is the surfacefeeling, but there's actually
something under it that you aregoing through or feeling which
(03:00):
is the actual problem In thatsituation.
You'd want to address thatfeeling as opposed to addressing
the anger Kind of understandinga little bit of what anger
means.
We can stop approaching angeras a bad thing.
Anger is a normal human emotion.
It's one of many emotions thatwe have and, just like any other
(03:22):
emotion, it's important to feeland acknowledge what you're
feeling.
I love that the Bible tells astory about Jesus at the temple.
So this story is Mark 11, 15 to17.
And it reads On reachingJerusalem, jesus entered the
temple courts and began drivingout those who were buying and
(03:42):
selling there.
He overturned the tables of themoney changers and the benches
of those selling doves and wouldnot allow anyone to carry
merchandise through the templecourts.
As he taught them.
He said Is it not written myhouse will be called a house of
prayer for all nations.
(04:03):
You've made it a den of robbers.
I love this story because itshows that human side of Jesus.
It shows us that anger is ahuman emotion that doesn't have
to be negative.
Even Jesus felt frustration forthings happening to something
(04:23):
that was so sacred to him andshould be sacred to all of us I
definitely want to say don'tfeel bad for feeling anger and
definitely don't beat yourselfup about it.
I believe in one of the waysthat anger can become negative
is if you stay there Just likeany other emotion.
When I talked about depression,you want to feel and validate
(04:47):
those feelings.
However, you don't have to staythere.
You can handle it in differentways which won't be negative,
and you don't want to walkaround that way all the time
because it's very draining, notonly for you but everyone around
you.
As I have shared, I have gonethrough a separation.
(05:08):
During the separation, Iobviously had friends that were
kind of helping me navigatethrough how I was feeling and
things like that.
They knew some of the thingsthat were going on and they
would get upset because ofeverything that has happened and
in that anger that they had,they would give me advice on how
(05:32):
to handle situations.
However, the advice had I taken, it would just create more
problems later on and it's notsomething I would feel good
about acting out in that way.
In the past, whenever I getangry, I would tend to scream a
(05:53):
lot.
It's not like I don't do thatnow.
I do scream sometimes, like ifthe kids do something, I scream.
I also would like break thingsin the past during arguments.
I would just get so mad.
I would grab whatever theclosest thing I could find and I
would either throw it or breakit or you know whatever.
(06:17):
If I had pictures, I would ripthem.
Just things like that.
That's kind of what them, justthings like that.
That's kind of what, like,where I would allow the anger to
take me to.
A lot of us handle anger adifferent way, whether it's
physically if you decide tocause physical harm to another
person One of the main ways thatwe lash out or express our
(06:42):
anger is with words.
We tend to use words to putdown the other person.
Also, a lot of times, if it'ssomeone that we know personally,
we tend to betray their trustby using things that they have
expressed to us or trusted uswith that are like deep
(07:05):
insecurities or hurtful thingsthat they've gone through,
things that they feel and thinkthat are very personal but they
decided to share with you.
A lot of times we take that andwe use it as a weapon whenever
we're angry towards that person.
At that point, not only haveyou hurt this person, but you've
(07:26):
also betrayed their trust.
None of these things arepositive ways of expressing our
anger.
Honestly, it could lead tobigger problems.
If you physically assaultsomebody, that's not going to be
good for you.
If you're driving on the highwayI know this is a big thing for
(07:48):
people Like when you're drivingyou get mad and you know you
start beeping at each other.
That is extremely dangerous.
I've had people flip me off somany times it's just because I
drive very slow, like a littlegrandma.
But I am not comfortabledriving fast.
I usually like move over andlet people pass me.
(08:08):
I get on the slow lane orwhatever.
I have gotten so many fingersin the past.
I would actually like follow ordrive up to the person and I
would just like start screamingout of my car.
I didn't realize how dangerousthat was, because you don't know
what that other person is goingthrough.
(08:28):
They're probably much moreangry than you.
That's how that could escalatebetraying that person's trust.
Because this might be that aone-time argument.
But now you place a rip in thatrelationship, whether that's
your child a rip in thatrelationship, whether that's
(08:49):
your child, your family, yoursignificant other, it's still
trust that they've given you andnow you have used that as a
weapon against them.
So now we know that anger, theemotion, is not the problem,
it's our actions.
As it says in Ephesians 4, 26,.
In your anger, do not sin.
Do not let the sun go downwhile you are still angry.
(09:09):
I love that verse because it'stelling you there is no sin in
feeling anger.
It's not a bad thing, it's anemotion.
However, it's the way you reactto that anger.
The other part of that versewhich I love and I think it's
very important that it's tellingyou to not dwell in that anger.
(09:31):
You don't want to dwell in anyemotion.
Being able to recognize thatyou're angry or that you feel
anger or you're becoming angry,it's a powerful tool that you
can use.
Angry.
It's a powerful tool that youcan use.
It's also a good way to havelike a meter for yourself on
what you can and cannot handle,maybe situations that you should
(09:54):
or shouldn't place yourselfinto, because you already know
where that eventually could leadto.
Things like you get upsetwhenever unfair things are going
on in the world.
Maybe be more selective ofwhere you receive your news, at
what time you receive it.
Maybe, if it's the starting ofyour day, you might want to hold
(10:16):
off so that that doesn't setthe tone.
Another thing that you can tryto avoid is thinking of
something someone did to you andjust kind of like replaying it
over and over again on your mind.
I was actually advised to dothis by someone.
They told me that every time Iinteracted with a certain person
(10:40):
that I was having issues with,to think about all the bad
things that they ever did to me.
I thought that was terribleadvice because it's fueling the
anger.
You're not trying to get awayfrom it.
Those are just a coupleexamples.
There is different things thatmake different people mad,
different situations that weplace ourselves into which could
(11:02):
eventually lead to us beingupset or focusing on certain
things.
For example, you go out withyour significant other and
you're a jealous person beingable to understand and
acknowledge to yourself it'sjust an outing.
The person, significant otheror whoever is there with you to
(11:24):
spend time and whatever it isthat you guys are doing.
Everyone is not there to try tolike steal your boyfriend
girlfriend away.
They're just there also doingtheir own thing.
I know another big one is likepeople feeling disrespected.
I don't like it whenever I goto like a place and someone's
(11:46):
rude to me and I feel like it'sconnected to either the way that
I look, the way that I talk, ormy tattoos or my kids.
Like that upsets me.
I think being in that mindsetof like defense already is
placing myself into a situationto get angry.
(12:07):
It's not like a physical placethat I've put myself into, it's
not the place, but it's themindset I've already placed
myself into, that someone'sbeing rude to me because of this
, that and the third when maybethey were rude just because they
were having a bad day and ithad nothing to do with anything
that I was thinking.
So that is another example ofhow we place ourselves into
(12:30):
these situations.
We have already created thescenario or the narrative in our
head.
What is a better way to handleour anger?
Anger is something I havestruggled with a lot in the past
and I do still struggle with it.
One of the things I havestarted doing whenever I can
(12:51):
feel myself getting angry isalmost like I pause, like you do
when you're watching TV.
I just hit pause on everything.
I try to not pay attention toeverything going on around me
and I try to just take a moment,take a breath if it's possible
acknowledge that I am gettingupset.
(13:12):
I try to pinpoint to what upsetme.
Now, this is like a quick thing, that you have to do all these
things in a very brief momentand at that time you want to ask
yourself how do you want tomove forward?
I immediately want to moveforward with probably the most
(13:32):
negative response.
That's what comes to me.
But then I ask myself, no,really, what is the best way to
move forward?
If it's something that happenswhile I am with someone, like
I'm with the person that'smaking me angry, or if I'm at a
place, like a public setting,even in the car, like the
(13:55):
traffic thing as I mentioned, Iobviously don't want to have a
reaction that can be hurtful tothe other person or can escalate
the situation.
So, in those situations whereyou can't really release at that
moment, I personally havestarted praying.
(14:18):
I will say a prayer to myself,just very simple Ask God to
please help me calm down and totake the words or the actions
that are negative away from me.
Not allow is attached tosomething else as well.
I have literally out loud saidwhat is making me angry and I've
(14:53):
expressed how I feel at thatmoment towards the situation or
if it's a person I have criedwhile I do this, I have screamed
, but I've done it by myself.
I didn't say those words orexpress those emotions with
(15:15):
anger at that moment.
However, I was still able toexpress them and release that
feeling, as opposed to bottlingit up.
Another thing that I do wheneverI am having a lot of anger or
negative feelings, I will turnon worship music or I will pick
(15:35):
up a book that's uplifting and Iwill read that, I will watch a
sermon.
Those are things that work forme.
Maybe for you it's somethingdifferent.
Maybe you want to put likehappy music on that's, you know,
going to get you in a bettermood.
Maybe it's painting.
That's a way you release or away that you calm down.
(15:57):
I have a lot of male friendswho they work out a lot and that
is a way they release likeanger or frustration.
They'll go work out, liftweights.
Just find something that youlove, that makes you happy, that
lifts your spirits, and run tothat thing whenever you feel
(16:18):
this way, because that will helpyou calm down, be able to
process the emotion in ahealthier way.
So the point is not to suppressthe anger and not allow yourself
to feel that way or validateyour feelings or express your
feelings at all.
You should still express whensomeone makes you angry.
(16:43):
If you feel like they'vewronged you, if someone hurts
you, you can express thosethings, but you can do it in a
way where it's not attackingthat person and you're not
coming from a place of revenge.
You are simply voicing how thesituation or the person or the
(17:03):
word said made you feel.
Another helpful thing that Ihave done in the past is I will
write a letter to the personthat has made me angry and I'll
express the reasons and I willjust express myself the way I
would want to.
It's not I'm not going tofilter myself, I'm not going to
(17:26):
like make it sound proper andcutesy.
I'm just going to write downwhat I feel like, what I would
be saying to that person if Ihad like zero control over my
anger.
And again, that's another wayof releasing that anger, anger.
And again that's another way ofreleasing that anger Just kind
(17:46):
of like putting it down on thepaper or whatever computer and
letting it go Like write it,never send it.
It's done.
I believe one of the best thingsyou can do when you're angry at
someone or you're angry atsomething, see the best in that
person.
Think of all of the goodqualities that they have, or
think of all the good thingsthat they've done for you.
(18:09):
Remind yourself of that.
You don't want to view thatperson in the worst light
because, at the end of the day,they haven't stopped being all
those good things because youguys had a bad moment.
That person doesn't stop beinga good person.
We are all trying to navigateour emotions, our circumstances,
(18:32):
day-to-day life.
Rather than seeing each otherin the worst light possible,
let's try seeing the good in oneanother and letting that be the
things that we remember, asopposed to the wrongs that they
have done, either to us or tosomeone else.
(18:52):
What I'm saying is don'tdisregard the whole person just
because you had this one moment,or even if you've had several,
don't disregard the rest of theperson.
So now maybe you're thinking toyourself okay, this is all
great, sounds great, but Ialready messed up, I already
reacted.
It's over, like it's it's.
(19:13):
What's done is done, and youwould be right.
What's done is done.
There is no point on beatingyourself up for the reaction,
beating yourself up for feelingangry.
Instead, think about the factthat okay.
Now I know that I felt angrybecause of this XYZ and I
(19:34):
understand that the way that Ireacted probably not the best
way.
Maybe next time, if there is anext time, whether it's the same
or different situation orsimilar you understand that
specific reaction was not thebest reaction.
But feeling guilt and feelingashamed that is used as a weapon
(19:58):
against you.
Nothing negative comes from theLord.
So feeling ashamed or feelingguilt, it's not an emotion that
God is going to give you.
So if he doesn't give it to you, don't give it to yourself.
Forgive yourself for what'shappened.
Ask yourself why did you reactthis way?
Is it something you saw growingup?
(20:21):
Is it because you wantedrevenge at that moment?
You wanted them to feel just ascrappy as they made you feel.
You want to prove that you arebetter than them, or you are
smarter than them, or whateverit is that you are trying to do
(20:42):
with that reaction.
I think it's also important tothink about the reaction that
you've had and how it affectedthat other person, and placing
yourself in that other person'sshoes, how would you feel if
someone had that anger towardsyou and acted out the anger in
the way that you did?
If it's physical, how would youfeel if someone physically
(21:06):
assaulted you?
If it's with words, how wouldyou feel if those words were
said to you?
If the things that you'veentrusted another person with
were then used as a weaponagainst you?
When you do that, you willbegin to feel remorse for your
actions and at that point you'dwant to ask for forgiveness.
(21:32):
I tend to ask God to forgive mefirst for anything that I feel
like I've done wrong.
I truly feel this conviction.
I know what I have done is notsomething that Jesus would do.
That has changed a lot of myreaction to a lot of different
things, because that has nowbecome my standard for myself.
(21:52):
I'm not going to always do theright thing and I'm not going to
ever be anywhere near theperson Jesus was, but I can
definitely strive to live mylife for the better and not hurt
other people.
So after you have forgivenyourself and you make amends
(22:13):
with God, if you so choose to doso, you'd want to go ahead and
apologize to that person.
Even if they were the ones tomake you mad first, even if the
whole situation was their fault,it doesn't matter.
The fact is, you still reactedin a way that you probably
shouldn't have.
The fact is, you still hurtsomeone.
(22:35):
The fact is you still were rude.
You still flipped that personoff.
Maybe you won't get toapologize to that person, but
you know, say it out loud,apologize to them from afar.
You should apologize andactually feel the remorse.
Now there's other things that wecan't really repair.
(22:55):
As I mentioned, when I wouldget angry in the past, I would
either break something or ripthings up.
The things that broke I willnever be able to fix them.
There are pictures andimportant things that I've had
that I've ripped up.
It sucks because those thingsare gone.
(23:15):
I can't replace them and for meit's just pictures, but for
someone else anger can lead to.
You could hurt someone else andmaybe that's something that you
wouldn't be able to take back.
You also cannot take back anassault charge on your record.
That's going to stay there.
So it's important for us tolearn healthier ways, better
(23:41):
ways to express our anger, sothat we don't end up with
situations like my pictures thatI'll never get back.
Important takeaways Understandthat anger is natural.
What you are feeling is valid.
Your feelings are yours and noone can tell you how to feel,
(24:02):
even if they don't agree withwhat you're feeling.
Once you know the anger iscoming, just stop.
Do not react immediately.
Take a moment, pray, talk toyourself, give yourself a pep
talk.
Once you've calmed down, feelfree to express how you feel,
what they did in a healthier wayor allow yourself to sit with
(24:26):
that anger.
When I say stop, calm yourselfand then express it and not
allowing it to dwell.
Calming the anger does not meansuppressing it.
Suppress it, you're justshoving it down.
It's still there.
When the next thing comes along, the person says the next words
(24:46):
it's going to reignite that andnow you are going to explode.
Getting to a calm place isprocessing in a healthier way,
understanding everything, justacknowledging why this made you
angry and going through theemotions and understanding why
(25:07):
you're having the feelings thatyou're having.
Don't find ways to justify youranger by thinking of all the
bad things this person has done,by looking at them in a
negative light, thinking theydeserve what you did or what
they got.
And if it's too late, justremember to forgive yourself,
(25:28):
ask for forgiveness, find a wayto repair things, but at the end
, move forward.
All right, you guys, that isall I have for today.
I hope this will be helpful foryou whenever you have those
times where you feel like youcannot control your anger, where
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you want to take matters intoyour own hands and really stick
it to somebody.
Just remember we are all goingthrough something.
We all have background noisethat we have to deal with in our
own lives.
I say this to a person that Ilove life is already hard enough
(26:12):
.
Let's not do stuff to eachother to make things worse.
Let's not add on to the alreadycrappy things going on in our
life.
So be that person.
Even if the other person decidesnot to join you, you can still
choose to be that person and, Iguess, take the high road.
(26:34):
I don't like calling it highroad, because it sounds kind of
like you think you're betterthan the other person and you're
not.
You're simply handling youremotions in.
You're not.
You're simply handling youremotions in a better way.
You're just doing what's right.
Anyway, I love you guys.
I pray that you have awonderful rest of your week.
Remember that you are loved,you are enough and you were
(26:57):
built for a time like this.
Good night.
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