November 29, 2024 • 24 mins
What if you could transform your family's approach to mental health and parenting through fresh perspectives and real-life experiences? As a mother of six and your host, Harley, I invite you to join me in this new season of "Check Yourself With Harley" as we navigate the intricate world of mental health with a special focus on parenting. Together with my daughter and other guest hosts, we uncover the often-hidden challenges teenagers face and explore how parents can offer better support. Our discussions are rooted in my personal journey and enriched by my ongoing studies in communications and mental health coaching, ensuring a season filled with insightful and empowering conversations.
This episode also sheds light on the unique struggles men encounter, especially fathers raising sons, bringing much-needed attention to topics like healthcare and financial literacy. We talk about the crucial importance of making informed life choices and the role community engagement plays in personal well-being. As the holiday season approaches, we address the emotional complexities it brings, particularly for those dealing with family difficulties or loss. By sharing our experiences, we hope to guide you toward improved relationships and a more fulfilling life during this inevitably challenging time.
Finally, we reflect on the profound impact of loneliness and the significance of faith and hope in our lives. I open up about personal challenges and the comfort I find in the belief that life holds more for us beyond current struggles. It's about finding beauty in adversity and staying patient as we move forward together. Remember, you're not alone in this journey, and by keeping faith alive, we can trust that peace and rest are within reach. This episode promises not only to validate your experiences but also to offer a new perspective on navigating life's temporary challenges. Join us as we continue this journey, finding strength in shared stories and the promise of brighter days ahead.
Thank you for listening 💞 You are loved You are enough You are NOT alone You were built for this.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
You better check yourself before you break
yourself.
You better check yourselfbefore you break yourself.
Not only so, but we also gloryin our sufferings, because we
know that sufferings producesperseverance, perseverance,
character and character.
Hope Romans 5, 3, 4.
(00:23):
Hope Romans 5, 3, 4.
Hey, what's up you guys?
Welcome back to Check YourselfWith Harley, season two, where
you're enough, you're worthy andyou were built for this.
I've been gone for a littlewhile, so let me go ahead and
reintroduce myself.
My name is Harley, I'm 34.
(00:52):
I have six kids, six kidsranging in ages, so I have all
of the different stages.
I am currently back in schoolpursuing a degree in
communications, also acertification for mental health
coaching.
I was inspired by my daughterrecently to work with teenagers
(01:12):
addressing different mentalhealth issues that they are
struggling with now that maybewe weren't struggling with
before, and I was inspired bysomething that happened that I
will get into a bit later.
There's just been a lot ofchanges going on in my personal
(01:32):
life and just in life in generalwhich I would have loved to
share on the podcast, but itwasn't really possible because
of equipment issues and thingslike that, which again, I can
share later.
I really just wanted to giveyou guys a little glimpse of
what is going to be coming thisseason from the show.
(01:57):
As I said, I am currentlypursuing a degree for mental
health and there's things that Iwant to discuss more this
season, such as mental healthand not just things that you're
diagnosed with, but maybe youjust deal with some symptoms.
You don't necessarily have aspecific chronic illness that
(02:20):
you will be battling for therest of your life, but maybe
you're going through a seasonwhere you're dealing with some
things and we should discussthat, because why not learn how
to deal with this season thatyou're in?
I do want to have more guestsand I will have more guests.
I want to have differentperspectives, not you guys just
(02:41):
listening to my own personalopinions and thoughts and then
my own personal research that Ido, obviously, for the show.
I want to discuss, like I said,more about what our kids are
dealing with, because maybe ifyou don't have, you know, a
mental health issue or you don'tknow anyone that does and this
(03:01):
is a new thing that you are nowbattling it might be difficult
to do that.
I am actually blessed that Ihave my own mental health
struggles, which have helped mebe a better advocate for my kids
and to be able to understandmore of what they deal with, and
(03:24):
that, in turn, has given memore patience.
So I would love to share thatwith some of the parents that
maybe are struggling withsomething and they don't really
know what they're dealing with.
So I want to discuss more ofthat.
I will have my daughter guesthosting some of the episodes
because I do want us to get aperspective from what our
(03:45):
children are going through andmaybe she can help some of your
kids if they end up listening tothe show, or if one of you kids
end up on my show, then you canget a perspective from someone
your age that can understandwhat you're going through and
maybe it'll make it easier foryou to communicate that with
(04:06):
your parents and they can helpyou in your journey and what
you're going through.
I also have been really wantingto have a male perspective on
the show, because there is a lotof things that I know men
struggle with.
I'm somebody who really wantsto understand a male perspective
because I have sons and I wantto be able to help them and
(04:34):
raise them to be the bestpossible man that they can be.
So I feel like having a maleperspective and then discussing
some of the struggles that menare going through and help us
understand that they toostruggle.
It's not just about us womenthat are feeling tired,
(04:55):
overwhelmed, we don't know whatour husbands, boyfriends,
significant other are strugglingwith.
Maybe that would helpcommunication as well.
So really excited to have amale perspective and I also want
to talk about, like things thatwe always say, oh, they should
have taught us that in schooland we're just out here screwing
(05:18):
stuff up because no one evershowed us.
So we are going to talk aboutthat stuff now.
Let's try to learn maybe thingsthat no one taught us or we
just don't think about.
Let's talk about healthcare.
I feel like a lot of us get ourbenefits every November or
whenever your benefits renew atwork and we just kind of pick
(05:41):
the cheapest thing and keep itpushing, and we probably
shouldn't do that.
Or they offer us 401k and we'rejust too broke to take it, or
certain things like.
Let's discuss those things andmake educated choices for our
benefits and also stop takingjobs that don't have benefits,
(06:04):
because you actually need them.
I don't know about y'all, butI'm getting older and I have to
go see a doctor for differentthings, it's not just for my
mental health.
Like women, you should betaking care of your women,
health and different things.
Guys, it's important.
Let's talk about our credit,our finances.
What are we doing with ourmoney?
(06:25):
We don't have to not enjoy lifebecause we don't have the money
to.
You can do fun things, you cando self-care, you can do nice
things for yourself with yourkids, and you don't have to
spend a ton of money and youdon't always have to be stressed
(06:46):
about having all of thesematerial things.
Let's discuss other things.
There's so much more to lifethan just spending money or
making it, so let's discussthose things.
I also wanted to startsuggesting places where maybe we
could start giving back maybe acharity.
(07:08):
If you don't have the money todonate to a charity, or you, you
know there's so many food banksMaybe if you have some extra
food, just make sure it's notexpired Go donate it and do it
with love.
Don't just empty out yourpantry and treat the food
pantries as a garbage can,because there's people out there
(07:32):
who truly do need that help andif you're going to help, then
help out of the kindness of yourheart If you're not able to
donate or you're not able togive money.
Guys, your time is veryvaluable and instead of maybe
like going out and partying or,you know, waking up hungover the
(07:54):
next day if you want to party,then by all means go ahead but
instead of like just hanging outin bed all day the next day,
volunteer a couple hours of yourtime to a charity.
It makes such a huge difference.
A lot of these places don'thave enough staff and they are
literally at the mercy of theirvolunteers because they don't
(08:17):
have money to pay them.
They're non-profits.
They are not profiting out oftheir services.
They're just trying to helpthose who are less fortunate.
I would encourage everyone tojust do a little something to
give back.
It would make the world ofdifference to someone and it'll
make you feel so good on theinside.
(08:39):
There's nothing better thanhelping others who sometimes, at
that moment in life, can't helpthemselves.
So I am going to be, you know,giving you guys some suggestions
every week of a charity or aplace that I research For sure,
(09:00):
going to research and make surethat they are reputable and
they're actually doing right bythe people that they're helping.
Those are some of the thingsyou guys can kind of expect
coming this season.
I am really so happy to be backdoing this.
This is truly my passion.
This podcast means the world tome and I would pray that it
(09:26):
helps at least someone out therethat struggles with some of the
different things that we talkabout on the show.
With that being said, this wasjust supposed to be an intro for
season two, but today isThanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Today is Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving everybody.
(09:47):
For that reason, I did want totalk about the holidays and what
they mean for some of us andhow they affect some of us.
Side note, moving forward, Iwill be referencing my notes.
My memory has taken a slopedown and I am struggling a lot
more with being able to rememberthings and being able to put my
(10:11):
words together, to find ways tohelp myself to continue to do
the things that I love to do.
Part of having mental healthissues, or health issues at all,
is finding ways to cope andjust helping yourself in
different ways, and for me, it'staking my notes and being able
to reference them so that I canremember, when I put my episodes
(10:32):
together, everything that I'vebeen researching.
Now back to what I want to talkabout today, the fact that it's
Thanksgiving.
Today it's actuallyThanksgiving.
While I'm filming this.
I know a lot of us struggle withthe holidays, whether it's
(10:52):
because you've lost a loved one,maybe this year, or maybe you
lost them around the holidays,and it just kind of doesn't
bring back the best memories andit just kind of doesn't bring
back the best memories.
Maybe you're dealing with abroken marriage, a separation,
(11:15):
maybe you have kids and you'renot necessarily with the other
parent and your kids, you know,have to switch houses or
whatever your situation is.
Or maybe you have family thatyou don't necessarily get along
with if you're going to be doingthe family reunions and things,
or if you go, and maybe youhave family members that don't
(11:36):
make the nicest comments, orthere's just a lot that we deal
with during the holidays thefinancial pressure of if we have
kids, they want all thesethings and we're just like
barely making it as it is,living paycheck to paycheck, or
you're trying to catch up onsomething else, or all of those
(11:56):
things can take a toll on you.
I think sometimes during theholidays we tend to look,
especially with social media andthings like that, or the people
around us.
They seem to get excited or youknow they're looking forward to
it.
If you make a comment thatyou're not that excited about
the holidays, you're a Scroogeor you're the Grinch.
(12:18):
I don't think that's fair to dothat to certain people or to
anyone just because they aren'tnecessarily into the holidays,
because, like I said, everyonehas a different story and
everyone or different peoplecould be struggling for
different reasons.
So you look at the person nextto you and you think you know,
(12:42):
wouldn't it be nice to have,like either that excitement or
the family that they have?
You start to, you know, wishyou had different.
And I want to validate peoplewho feel that way, because I
think often if you say you knowyou wish you had this or that
(13:04):
and someone else has it, thenpeople just think that you're,
oh, you're, you had this or that, and someone else has it, and
people just think that you're,oh, you're jealous of people or
you're being envious and you'rejust an awful person.
And I don't think that is fair,because you can be happy for
someone having a great family orhaving great things in their
life, and you could still wantthat for yourself too.
(13:25):
That doesn't make you awful,and you're not the only person
thinking that.
There's other people out there.
Maybe they're just not voicingit, but I guarantee that someone
else has thought wouldn't thatbe nice to have a nice marriage
like that?
Or wouldn't it be nice if mykids behave like that?
Or you know what a supportiveparent they have?
(13:48):
And there's people out therewho feel the same.
So you don't have to feel aloneand you don't have to feel like
an awful person.
For me, actually, last night waspretty rough.
The holidays have always been arough time for me.
I've never been a fan, honestly.
(14:08):
One of the reasons is becausewhen I was younger, growing up,
when I was younger, growing up,my mom didn't have very much
money and I just felt bad seeingher spend the little she had
and trying to like get me thingsand stuff like that.
So as I was growing up, theholidays just they started to
(14:31):
have less meaning.
When I was with my oldest kid'sdad, I did enjoy it because we
would go with his family and ourkids were little and it would
be so cute to see them opengifts and things like that.
But once we split up, theholidays again began to be awful
for me, because now it was areminder that my kids were going
(14:55):
with their dad and I was goingto be literally by myself
because I don't have family here.
So last night it was kind oflike a reminder moment for me
because all of my kids gotpicked up to go with their dad
and I am currently separatedfrom my husband, so I told him
(15:20):
to go ahead and take the babywith his family.
I was just going to have liketime to myself and I had been
excited about it earlier in theday because I've been kind of
running around and doing a lotall the time lately.
Of course, with six kids you'rebusy all the time.
Everybody has something going onat some point or another and I
(15:41):
also have stuff going on.
The sadness started to set infor me and I just started to
feel real crappy about myselfand I started to say really mean
things to myself because whynot?
I was already feeling like crap, so why not dump more onto
myself?
That didn't help.
So I had to take a moment tocheck myself and think about why
(16:06):
I was really sad or gettingupset and dig down, because it
wasn't just that the kids hadleft and it wasn't me having a
little pity party for myselfbecause of my situation right
now.
It was really to do with thefact that it's a holiday and I
(16:27):
thought I'm by myself and I feltlike a loser.
So there wasn't a good validreason.
I love that my kids have familythat they can spend time with
and I love that they have allthat additional support.
I started to make it about meand feeling sorry for me for no
reason when I didn't have tofeel like that and I could just
(16:50):
enjoy my mommy time off.
So I just wanted to giveeverybody some kind of reminders
.
In the world, the holidays areliterally just a season and
family time should be all thetime.
I had to think yesterday I hadjust spent the first half of the
week with my kids and weactually had a great time Before
(17:10):
they left.
We sat and we painted.
We went to the park.
We sat and we painted.
We went to the park the daybefore yesterday and we just had
like a great time.
And I had to remember familytime is all the time.
I also want to remind everyonethat what might be easy for you
may be difficult for anotherperson to go through.
Some people are able to dealwith family members who are not
(17:35):
very nice, are able to deal withfamily members who are not very
nice, and they can go to familyfunctions, be fine and leave
just fine.
But there's some people thathave past trauma and that can be
extremely difficult for them todeal with those family members
and deal in those situations.
We need to be kind to ourselves.
If you're not there yet whereyou can go and deal with the
(17:58):
family member, or you maybe feelanxious after you leave or
whatever it is that you gothrough, be kind to yourself.
You will get there.
You just have to work throughit.
If you took this step to go,that's great.
If you can't do it right now,that's okay too.
Just give yourself some graceand give yourself some time.
(18:20):
Some people are fortunate enoughto have beautiful families that
get along and are greattogether.
We don't know what type of workthose families have had to put
into.
We don't know what they gothrough, and we should just be
(18:41):
happy that those types of familyexist and use them as a beacon
of hope that one day we too willhave that.
We will have the family time,the holidays, all that great
stuff, having our children spendtime with the other parent.
We should be happy for our kids.
(19:02):
They have love and support fromsomeone else, and not just us,
and we should look at that timeas a break, energize.
Your kids are going to comeback and you're going to have to
keep on trucking with whateverit is that you guys have going
on, whether that's sports orschool, whatever.
(19:23):
It's okay to take a break andjust enjoy the time.
For some of you, it might be ahard time, as I mentioned,
because you've lost someone.
It's hard to not have them here.
Try to embrace the memoriesthat you have with this person.
Find peace in knowing thatthey're in a place of rest.
(19:45):
Also, embrace whatever lessonsthey taught you, whatever
guidance they gave you whilethey were here with you, and
just really apply whateverlessons you've been taught from
that person.
If you love them so much thatit affects you so deeply, surely
(20:10):
this person did great thingsfor you in life or taught you
and showed you great things.
So embrace those things andkeep their memory alive by
practicing what they taught you.
Don't allow this world to placeadditional stress on you
(20:31):
because of a date, because, guys, it's just that it's just a
date on a calendar.
This season will be gone beforeyou know it.
Enjoy the time that you havewith your family.
Enjoy whatever time off you getfrom work.
This is a great time to catch abreak from having to go to work
every day.
(20:51):
Just find the positives in theseason and don't focus so much
on the negative.
And don't focus so much on whatwe don't have at the moment,
because this is just a seasonand this, too, shall pass.
You're not going to be singleforever.
You're not going to be beefingwith your family forever, and
(21:17):
your kids aren't going to begone forever.
They're coming back.
Let's not use this time as acould have, would have, should
have, because that will juststeal your joy for whatever
beauty there is in this time foryou.
Remember that when you'redealing with family, yes, they
(21:38):
could say some things or theycould annoy you, but no one is
perfect Neither are you and youmight say some things that
offend somebody or hurtsomeone's feelings, and you
don't know what they're goingthrough.
We don't know what type oftrauma our family has had to go
through Our aunts, our uncles.
(22:01):
We don't know, when they go tosleep at night, what hurts them.
You know.
Let's just be kind and try tounderstand where other people
are at at this time as well,because, as I mentioned, you're
not the only one struggling withthe holidays.
(22:21):
As I mentioned, you're not theonly one struggling with the
holidays.
Someone could be smiling andthey could be struggling.
So just be kind and be patient.
This is a reminder also thatloneliness is a silent killer,
because whenever we get lonely,we tend to find things that will
drown that loneliness out.
(22:43):
To find things that will drownthat loneliness out, and that's
how we can build temporaryhabits that become permanent.
And instead of seeking comfortin alcohol, drugs, people just
seek comfort in knowing thatthere is more in store.
Keep your faith alive and staypatient.
More in store.
(23:07):
Keep your faith alive and staypatient.
Have your eyes set on somethingother than just a temporary
solution to your problems,because that can create more
problems.
I want to validate anyone who'sfeeling down this season, for
whatever reason.
For whatever you're goingthrough, I want you to know I
understand.
(23:27):
That's why I just shared whatI'm currently going through and
I want you to know that you'renot alone.
But I also want you to checkyourself and not sit in that
uncomfortable, sad place.
Find the beauty in everything,even the bad times.
(23:48):
I want to remind you guys thatGod loves you and I love you,
and if we can just see past thatmountains in front of us today
and keep walking, for he willgive you rest, guys.
I love you guys.
Thank you for joining me todayand I will see you soon.
You better check yourself before you break
yourself.
You better check yourselfbefore you break yourself.
Not only so, but we also gloryin our sufferings, because we
know that sufferings producesperseverance, perseverance,
character and character.
Hope Romans 5, 3, 4.
(00:23):
Hope Romans 5, 3, 4.
Hey, what's up you guys?
Welcome back to Check YourselfWith Harley, season two, where
you're enough, you're worthy andyou were built for this.
I've been gone for a littlewhile, so let me go ahead and
reintroduce myself.
My name is Harley, I'm 34.
(00:52):
I have six kids, six kidsranging in ages, so I have all
of the different stages.
I am currently back in schoolpursuing a degree in
communications, also acertification for mental health
coaching.
I was inspired by my daughterrecently to work with teenagers
(01:12):
addressing different mentalhealth issues that they are
struggling with now that maybewe weren't struggling with
before, and I was inspired bysomething that happened that I
will get into a bit later.
There's just been a lot ofchanges going on in my personal
(01:32):
life and just in life in generalwhich I would have loved to
share on the podcast, but itwasn't really possible because
of equipment issues and thingslike that, which again, I can
share later.
I really just wanted to giveyou guys a little glimpse of
what is going to be coming thisseason from the show.
(01:57):
As I said, I am currentlypursuing a degree for mental
health and there's things that Iwant to discuss more this
season, such as mental healthand not just things that you're
diagnosed with, but maybe youjust deal with some symptoms.
You don't necessarily have aspecific chronic illness that
(02:20):
you will be battling for therest of your life, but maybe
you're going through a seasonwhere you're dealing with some
things and we should discussthat, because why not learn how
to deal with this season thatyou're in?
I do want to have more guestsand I will have more guests.
I want to have differentperspectives, not you guys just
(02:41):
listening to my own personalopinions and thoughts and then
my own personal research that Ido, obviously, for the show.
I want to discuss, like I said,more about what our kids are
dealing with, because maybe ifyou don't have, you know, a
mental health issue or you don'tknow anyone that does and this
(03:01):
is a new thing that you are nowbattling it might be difficult
to do that.
I am actually blessed that Ihave my own mental health
struggles, which have helped mebe a better advocate for my kids
and to be able to understandmore of what they deal with, and
(03:24):
that, in turn, has given memore patience.
So I would love to share thatwith some of the parents that
maybe are struggling withsomething and they don't really
know what they're dealing with.
So I want to discuss more ofthat.
I will have my daughter guesthosting some of the episodes
because I do want us to get aperspective from what our
(03:45):
children are going through andmaybe she can help some of your
kids if they end up listening tothe show, or if one of you kids
end up on my show, then you canget a perspective from someone
your age that can understandwhat you're going through and
maybe it'll make it easier foryou to communicate that with
(04:06):
your parents and they can helpyou in your journey and what
you're going through.
I also have been really wantingto have a male perspective on
the show, because there is a lotof things that I know men
struggle with.
I'm somebody who really wantsto understand a male perspective
because I have sons and I wantto be able to help them and
(04:34):
raise them to be the bestpossible man that they can be.
So I feel like having a maleperspective and then discussing
some of the struggles that menare going through and help us
understand that they toostruggle.
It's not just about us womenthat are feeling tired,
(04:55):
overwhelmed, we don't know whatour husbands, boyfriends,
significant other are strugglingwith.
Maybe that would helpcommunication as well.
So really excited to have amale perspective and I also want
to talk about, like things thatwe always say, oh, they should
have taught us that in schooland we're just out here screwing
(05:18):
stuff up because no one evershowed us.
So we are going to talk aboutthat stuff now.
Let's try to learn maybe thingsthat no one taught us or we
just don't think about.
Let's talk about healthcare.
I feel like a lot of us get ourbenefits every November or
whenever your benefits renew atwork and we just kind of pick
(05:41):
the cheapest thing and keep itpushing, and we probably
shouldn't do that.
Or they offer us 401k and we'rejust too broke to take it, or
certain things like.
Let's discuss those things andmake educated choices for our
benefits and also stop takingjobs that don't have benefits,
(06:04):
because you actually need them.
I don't know about y'all, butI'm getting older and I have to
go see a doctor for differentthings, it's not just for my
mental health.
Like women, you should betaking care of your women,
health and different things.
Guys, it's important.
Let's talk about our credit,our finances.
What are we doing with ourmoney?
(06:25):
We don't have to not enjoy lifebecause we don't have the money
to.
You can do fun things, you cando self-care, you can do nice
things for yourself with yourkids, and you don't have to
spend a ton of money and youdon't always have to be stressed
(06:46):
about having all of thesematerial things.
Let's discuss other things.
There's so much more to lifethan just spending money or
making it, so let's discussthose things.
I also wanted to startsuggesting places where maybe we
could start giving back maybe acharity.
(07:08):
If you don't have the money todonate to a charity, or you, you
know there's so many food banksMaybe if you have some extra
food, just make sure it's notexpired Go donate it and do it
with love.
Don't just empty out yourpantry and treat the food
pantries as a garbage can,because there's people out there
(07:32):
who truly do need that help andif you're going to help, then
help out of the kindness of yourheart If you're not able to
donate or you're not able togive money.
Guys, your time is veryvaluable and instead of maybe
like going out and partying or,you know, waking up hungover the
(07:54):
next day if you want to party,then by all means go ahead but
instead of like just hanging outin bed all day the next day,
volunteer a couple hours of yourtime to a charity.
It makes such a huge difference.
A lot of these places don'thave enough staff and they are
literally at the mercy of theirvolunteers because they don't
(08:17):
have money to pay them.
They're non-profits.
They are not profiting out oftheir services.
They're just trying to helpthose who are less fortunate.
I would encourage everyone tojust do a little something to
give back.
It would make the world ofdifference to someone and it'll
make you feel so good on theinside.
(08:39):
There's nothing better thanhelping others who sometimes, at
that moment in life, can't helpthemselves.
So I am going to be, you know,giving you guys some suggestions
every week of a charity or aplace that I research For sure,
(09:00):
going to research and make surethat they are reputable and
they're actually doing right bythe people that they're helping.
Those are some of the thingsyou guys can kind of expect
coming this season.
I am really so happy to be backdoing this.
This is truly my passion.
This podcast means the world tome and I would pray that it
(09:26):
helps at least someone out therethat struggles with some of the
different things that we talkabout on the show.
With that being said, this wasjust supposed to be an intro for
season two, but today isThanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Today is Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving everybody.
(09:47):
For that reason, I did want totalk about the holidays and what
they mean for some of us andhow they affect some of us.
Side note, moving forward, Iwill be referencing my notes.
My memory has taken a slopedown and I am struggling a lot
more with being able to rememberthings and being able to put my
(10:11):
words together, to find ways tohelp myself to continue to do
the things that I love to do.
Part of having mental healthissues, or health issues at all,
is finding ways to cope andjust helping yourself in
different ways, and for me, it'staking my notes and being able
to reference them so that I canremember, when I put my episodes
(10:32):
together, everything that I'vebeen researching.
Now back to what I want to talkabout today, the fact that it's
Thanksgiving.
Today it's actuallyThanksgiving.
While I'm filming this.
I know a lot of us struggle withthe holidays, whether it's
(10:52):
because you've lost a loved one,maybe this year, or maybe you
lost them around the holidays,and it just kind of doesn't
bring back the best memories andit just kind of doesn't bring
back the best memories.
Maybe you're dealing with abroken marriage, a separation,
(11:15):
maybe you have kids and you'renot necessarily with the other
parent and your kids, you know,have to switch houses or
whatever your situation is.
Or maybe you have family thatyou don't necessarily get along
with if you're going to be doingthe family reunions and things,
or if you go, and maybe youhave family members that don't
(11:36):
make the nicest comments, orthere's just a lot that we deal
with during the holidays thefinancial pressure of if we have
kids, they want all thesethings and we're just like
barely making it as it is,living paycheck to paycheck, or
you're trying to catch up onsomething else, or all of those
(11:56):
things can take a toll on you.
I think sometimes during theholidays we tend to look,
especially with social media andthings like that, or the people
around us.
They seem to get excited or youknow they're looking forward to
it.
If you make a comment thatyou're not that excited about
the holidays, you're a Scroogeor you're the Grinch.
(12:18):
I don't think that's fair to dothat to certain people or to
anyone just because they aren'tnecessarily into the holidays,
because, like I said, everyonehas a different story and
everyone or different peoplecould be struggling for
different reasons.
So you look at the person nextto you and you think you know,
(12:42):
wouldn't it be nice to have,like either that excitement or
the family that they have?
You start to, you know, wishyou had different.
And I want to validate peoplewho feel that way, because I
think often if you say you knowyou wish you had this or that
(13:04):
and someone else has it, thenpeople just think that you're,
oh, you're, you had this or that, and someone else has it, and
people just think that you're,oh, you're jealous of people or
you're being envious and you'rejust an awful person.
And I don't think that is fair,because you can be happy for
someone having a great family orhaving great things in their
life, and you could still wantthat for yourself too.
(13:25):
That doesn't make you awful,and you're not the only person
thinking that.
There's other people out there.
Maybe they're just not voicingit, but I guarantee that someone
else has thought wouldn't thatbe nice to have a nice marriage
like that?
Or wouldn't it be nice if mykids behave like that?
Or you know what a supportiveparent they have?
(13:48):
And there's people out therewho feel the same.
So you don't have to feel aloneand you don't have to feel like
an awful person.
For me, actually, last night waspretty rough.
The holidays have always been arough time for me.
I've never been a fan, honestly.
(14:08):
One of the reasons is becausewhen I was younger, growing up,
when I was younger, growing up,my mom didn't have very much
money and I just felt bad seeingher spend the little she had
and trying to like get me thingsand stuff like that.
So as I was growing up, theholidays just they started to
(14:31):
have less meaning.
When I was with my oldest kid'sdad, I did enjoy it because we
would go with his family and ourkids were little and it would
be so cute to see them opengifts and things like that.
But once we split up, theholidays again began to be awful
for me, because now it was areminder that my kids were going
(14:55):
with their dad and I was goingto be literally by myself
because I don't have family here.
So last night it was kind oflike a reminder moment for me
because all of my kids gotpicked up to go with their dad
and I am currently separatedfrom my husband, so I told him
(15:20):
to go ahead and take the babywith his family.
I was just going to have liketime to myself and I had been
excited about it earlier in theday because I've been kind of
running around and doing a lotall the time lately.
Of course, with six kids you'rebusy all the time.
Everybody has something going onat some point or another and I
(15:41):
also have stuff going on.
The sadness started to set infor me and I just started to
feel real crappy about myselfand I started to say really mean
things to myself because whynot?
I was already feeling like crap, so why not dump more onto
myself?
That didn't help.
So I had to take a moment tocheck myself and think about why
(16:06):
I was really sad or gettingupset and dig down, because it
wasn't just that the kids hadleft and it wasn't me having a
little pity party for myselfbecause of my situation right
now.
It was really to do with thefact that it's a holiday and I
(16:27):
thought I'm by myself and I feltlike a loser.
So there wasn't a good validreason.
I love that my kids have familythat they can spend time with
and I love that they have allthat additional support.
I started to make it about meand feeling sorry for me for no
reason when I didn't have tofeel like that and I could just
(16:50):
enjoy my mommy time off.
So I just wanted to giveeverybody some kind of reminders
.
In the world, the holidays areliterally just a season and
family time should be all thetime.
I had to think yesterday I hadjust spent the first half of the
week with my kids and weactually had a great time Before
(17:10):
they left.
We sat and we painted.
We went to the park.
We sat and we painted.
We went to the park the daybefore yesterday and we just had
like a great time.
And I had to remember familytime is all the time.
I also want to remind everyonethat what might be easy for you
may be difficult for anotherperson to go through.
Some people are able to dealwith family members who are not
(17:35):
very nice, are able to deal withfamily members who are not very
nice, and they can go to familyfunctions, be fine and leave
just fine.
But there's some people thathave past trauma and that can be
extremely difficult for them todeal with those family members
and deal in those situations.
We need to be kind to ourselves.
If you're not there yet whereyou can go and deal with the
(17:58):
family member, or you maybe feelanxious after you leave or
whatever it is that you gothrough, be kind to yourself.
You will get there.
You just have to work throughit.
If you took this step to go,that's great.
If you can't do it right now,that's okay too.
Just give yourself some graceand give yourself some time.
(18:20):
Some people are fortunate enoughto have beautiful families that
get along and are greattogether.
We don't know what type of workthose families have had to put
into.
We don't know what they gothrough, and we should just be
(18:41):
happy that those types of familyexist and use them as a beacon
of hope that one day we too willhave that.
We will have the family time,the holidays, all that great
stuff, having our children spendtime with the other parent.
We should be happy for our kids.
(19:02):
They have love and support fromsomeone else, and not just us,
and we should look at that timeas a break, energize.
Your kids are going to comeback and you're going to have to
keep on trucking with whateverit is that you guys have going
on, whether that's sports orschool, whatever.
(19:23):
It's okay to take a break andjust enjoy the time.
For some of you, it might be ahard time, as I mentioned,
because you've lost someone.
It's hard to not have them here.
Try to embrace the memoriesthat you have with this person.
Find peace in knowing thatthey're in a place of rest.
(19:45):
Also, embrace whatever lessonsthey taught you, whatever
guidance they gave you whilethey were here with you, and
just really apply whateverlessons you've been taught from
that person.
If you love them so much thatit affects you so deeply, surely
(20:10):
this person did great thingsfor you in life or taught you
and showed you great things.
So embrace those things andkeep their memory alive by
practicing what they taught you.
Don't allow this world to placeadditional stress on you
(20:31):
because of a date, because, guys, it's just that it's just a
date on a calendar.
This season will be gone beforeyou know it.
Enjoy the time that you havewith your family.
Enjoy whatever time off you getfrom work.
This is a great time to catch abreak from having to go to work
every day.
(20:51):
Just find the positives in theseason and don't focus so much
on the negative.
And don't focus so much on whatwe don't have at the moment,
because this is just a seasonand this, too, shall pass.
You're not going to be singleforever.
You're not going to be beefingwith your family forever, and
(21:17):
your kids aren't going to begone forever.
They're coming back.
Let's not use this time as acould have, would have, should
have, because that will juststeal your joy for whatever
beauty there is in this time foryou.
Remember that when you'redealing with family, yes, they
(21:38):
could say some things or theycould annoy you, but no one is
perfect Neither are you and youmight say some things that
offend somebody or hurtsomeone's feelings, and you
don't know what they're goingthrough.
We don't know what type oftrauma our family has had to go
through Our aunts, our uncles.
(22:01):
We don't know, when they go tosleep at night, what hurts them.
You know.
Let's just be kind and try tounderstand where other people
are at at this time as well,because, as I mentioned, you're
not the only one struggling withthe holidays.
(22:21):
As I mentioned, you're not theonly one struggling with the
holidays.
Someone could be smiling andthey could be struggling.
So just be kind and be patient.
This is a reminder also thatloneliness is a silent killer,
because whenever we get lonely,we tend to find things that will
drown that loneliness out.
(22:43):
To find things that will drownthat loneliness out, and that's
how we can build temporaryhabits that become permanent.
And instead of seeking comfortin alcohol, drugs, people just
seek comfort in knowing thatthere is more in store.
Keep your faith alive and staypatient.
More in store.
(23:07):
Keep your faith alive and staypatient.
Have your eyes set on somethingother than just a temporary
solution to your problems,because that can create more
problems.
I want to validate anyone who'sfeeling down this season, for
whatever reason.
For whatever you're goingthrough, I want you to know I
understand.
(23:27):
That's why I just shared whatI'm currently going through and
I want you to know that you'renot alone.
But I also want you to checkyourself and not sit in that
uncomfortable, sad place.
Find the beauty in everything,even the bad times.
(23:48):
I want to remind you guys thatGod loves you and I love you,
and if we can just see past thatmountains in front of us today
and keep walking, for he willgive you rest, guys.
I love you guys.
Thank you for joining me todayand I will see you soon.
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