Ep. 123: Sex Ghost Coast to Coast

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You are now entering the prism, you know.
I thought that R stand for Russell but R stand for dumbass.
Yeah. We're back.
It's me, I'm R. Yeah, and me.

(00:22):
Eric's here. Remember Me?
Old heads will remember Eric. Still alive.
Back when we used to have peoplethat listen to the podcast and
not just a solid group of 14 dudes on the Internet that I
know. Back when Russell was off the
wagon. Yeah, yeah.
Speaking of the wagon, can you hand me another one of them non
alcoholic beers please? Fuck yeah, brother.

(00:47):
What? So OK, well now what happened?
Oh, I had a mental breakdown and.
Called me. No, my wife called you we.
So I've talked about this on thepodcast like 4 different times.
I'm sure people are tired of hearing of it, but basically got
in a car accident and instead ofwaiting to get home, it wasn't
really like a car accident. Car accident.
I just blew a tire because I hitsomething in the road.

(01:08):
But I didn't wait to, you know, for my wife to come pick me up
to get home to start drinking. I just started drinking there on
the side of the road and I chugged about half of a 750 of a
crack and rum and then she met me.
When she got there, I was under my car.

(01:31):
Why? Just hanging out.
Hoping someone rear-ended it at that.
Point out of the sun or what? I know I had.
At that point, I don't know whatwas going on.
I was blacked out. The snake brain.
Because I didn't have AC to the middle of the summer and I had
just drank a ton of liquor. So you're trying to get very
quickly. And yeah, yeah, so I was very

(01:53):
drunk, so I didn't remember a whole lot.
And then she didn't know I was drinking because I had been
gaslighting her for three years at least.
And then so she was going to take me to the hospital because
she thought I was having a severe mental breakdown, which I
was as well. And so she starts calling all

(02:13):
three of my bosses, including this guy right here, and I'm
screaming at her over the phone or at her while she's trying to
talk to them to pull over. I'm not going anywhere.
You're not taking me to the hospital, all this stuff.
And they all got to hear that. It was nice.
And then, yeah, I had to go on FMLA for a little while.

(02:34):
And two relapses later and I'm now for the first time over a
year sober. Wow.
Well, congratulations. It's been eventful on that and
now he can only have near beer and he doesn't even have that.
No, this is the first. This is well this is the second
non alcoholic beer I've had. Yeah, the first one was like 5
minutes ago and. How does it compare?

(02:58):
Honestly, it's been so long since I tasted beer that it
doesn't taste bad to me at all. Like I remember trying them back
when I was drinking for science and they tasted like dishwater.
This just tastes like beer to me.
It's. Cool.
Fuck yeah. Now we feel cool.
I said this earlier. I don't know if I said on the

(03:18):
podcast, but yeah, I ever since we started trying those non
alcoholic things like now, like I, they're on my radar.
So I'll like look out for them. And I was on my way back home
and I had to pick up some gas and some like some pouches, some
zins and I saw a blue moon, a non alcoholic blue moon.

(03:40):
And I don't know what it is about on cue, but cops tend to
like just park in like packs of threes in their parking lots.
A. Pack of them.
Yeah, a pack of cops. Oh, I thought you were talking
about Mel Gibson. A gaggle of cops, if you would.
Yeah, a gaggle of. Cops.
A gurgle of cops. A gargle of cops.

(04:03):
So like I have just I have the Zen that I bought in my back
pocket cars fueling up and then I had like the little claw 6
pack of blue moons and they looklike blue moons from really far
away. They look like just regular blue
moons and I'm just like walking back to my car.
I turn in to see that group of three cop cars and I like take

(04:25):
one out of the ring and I like crack it and start drinking it
as I'm walking to my car. And then I sit in my car and I'm
like drinking this non alcoholicblue moon and staring at the
cops feeling like a cool kid. I feel like a 7 year old that
just learned a new cuss word. See, the trick is just drink
beers in your car and then you're really cool.
Then it's not a lie. Yeah.

(04:47):
Then you're not sinning by lying.
I didn't lie. Yeah, do you ever drink those
non alcoholic beards in your car?
No, this is the first time I've had not since I've quit
drinking. Yeah, you said that not.
Bad and I also never had alcoholin my car while I was driving
either. Wink.

(05:15):
Yeah, but it's pretty fucking cool to do that while you're
driving. It feels badass.
Yeah, I'll. I'll bet it does it.
Feels like it's a close second. To the on the coolness scale to
just smoking cigarettes, which is, yeah, as we've said, the
coolest thing you can do. It's pretty fucking cool, yeah.
Peak masculine. This episode's been sponsored so
like. There, cigarette companies are

(05:36):
barred from advertising on television, right?
But can they advertise on podcasts 'cause I would gladly
be sponsored by Marlboro? You'd be a Marlboro.
I can't even say the word Marlboro shill.
Can they? I don't know.
I don't know. I've never seen that.
Like Lucy and like pouches do all the time so.

(05:56):
You would think, but they're a safer alternative.
I feel like this is entire. This entire thing is just going
to be an ad for nicotine products.
Yeah. You ever put a isn't?
That what podcasts are. Pretty much.
Have you ever thought about putting a nicotine patch on the
back of your ball sack? I hear just shave like a clean.
I hear good things about sticking it in your foreskin.

(06:18):
I have it on good authority thatthat's actually the proper
placement, yeah. But I can't do that because I
got cooked as an 8 day old child.
Join the club. Fucking.
Jews, they invented it. OK, that's true.
Put back on right? I think you can.
There is a foreskin restoration movement I.

(06:38):
Don't think it's. I don't think it's yours and if
I had to choose I would take his.
I pointed at the black guy. It would be funny to have a just
a dark stripe. I do.
I do have a dark stripe on my penis.
It's where my foreskin used to be.
It's the memory, the stain of your.
Scar and friction is what causedthat.

(07:01):
Fuck yeah. And you're burning that boy
since the age of 12. Yeah, that's right.
We established that you guys aredry tuggers.
Yeah, which still is wild to me.I don't think you would.
We established that he's a dry tugger.
Definitely. What did I tell you that you

(07:21):
told me that? First of all, I'm not.
He. Uses my spit and my feces.
Use Russell's mouth. He's.
Like a fucking man the fuck? It's good to be back.

(07:42):
So you're going to be coming on every Friday now, right?
No fucking. Stop not coming on.
Here, our listenership is going to spike for this one episode.
It is. It is.
It is. It's the tambour of your voice.
Yeah, it's pleasing. You have a nice baritone rasp.
To you. You were built for this.

(08:03):
You like that? That was way too intimate.
You know you're tickling my balls with your voice.
You're gassing me up. You're gassing us up.
What do you mean this ain't on me?
Look at what you were wearing. You were asking for it.
Eric's the only one of the threeof us that has any style.
You dress like a white guy. I dress like a fat white.

(08:25):
Guy, you dress like a dirtbag. Yeah, I have 90% quiz, 90 to 95%
of my shirt collection. Banties.
It's just banties. Yeah, it's all black.
All the shit that I used to be able to fit is just banties.
Yeah, I have this shirt and liketwo more of this shirt.

(08:48):
This is my clown car shirt. I.
Was about to. I was about to say that.
That was purchased for me that Ireceive on a yearly basis and
each year I get a bigger one. Your cloth allotment.
And each year I just get one size bigger.
At least they have like a year'sworth of time to like, procure

(09:09):
the fabric needed to to build the shirt.
They ran out of fabric. Oh man.
I'm going hell. Did you get any new tattoos
where you're gone, Eric? Yeah, where like since the last
time I saw you guys? Yeah, I don't know 1.

(09:29):
I don't want to know what it is.I want to know where it is.
Better be on your mom's pubis. On pretty much my whole chest
piece on my chest section. Oh.
Fuck that is aggressive Dude howlong were you sitting?
Five hours God that OK sucked guys.

(09:54):
Rib tattoos are not fun. I've.
Heard. And then also they went straight
over my tit. Really.
Right over the knit. Are you serious?
Yeah. No fucking way.
Right over the knit. Does it even take ink?
The same? Yeah.
I mean, Oh yeah, yeah, it did. They straight up went like right
across. Oh God.
Straight right down the nip thatlooks the Sinner of the.
Nurse, when you're nursing your son, you know he's going to get

(10:16):
a bunch of black ink in there, right?
That was the goal. Give him his first tattoo
internally. Hair and.
Charcoal milk. We've started.
I started a gang, the Milk Gang,and we just drink milk in spite
of Ben because he hates milk. And milk drinkers.

(10:37):
Yeah, even though I'm surroundedby them.
Yeah, apparently I befriend surrounded by big bones.
I've I've come to learn that I I, I shouldn't be drinking so
much milk. What do you mean so much?
That's a scary thing to say. It's a big milk.
How much fucking milk? You drink.
You don't know. You don't know I was.
I'll go through like a gallon. I was.

(10:58):
They would have hated me up in Skyrim because I was the biggest
milk drinker. Yeah, yeah, I.
Give me a quantity of daily consumption.
I used I'd probably drink a gallon a week, maybe that feels
go through a gallon a week, probably that doesn't.
Seem like that's conservative. Yeah, that feels like a regular

(11:20):
amount of milk. I felt like a lot, but I would,
what I would do is I like, I'd get these like big, big glasses,
Yeah. And I'd just fill it all the way
up. And so I just have like, my cup
of milk sitting while I'm doing whatever.
But milk, yeah. The problem is it doesn't quench
your thirst at all. And if anything, it makes you

(11:41):
more thirsty. It's so you just get more milk.
Yeah, so like I'd be sitting at my computer working.
I'd have my glass of milk and like a couple hours would go by
and I would just realize that like I've, I'd go back and you
know, you film my glass like 3 times.
Then I realized like I'm still fucking thirsty.

(12:04):
Not working so. Dude, you're going to be.
I stopped drinking something. You should try skim, it's just
milk flavoured water. That just sounds like bitch
milk. It is.
You're going to drink milk, You got to get a.
Hole. Yeah, I say that.
But your milk is milk wanting. To quench your thirst.
Dude just buy a fucking cow add.Water to your hole or just buy.

(12:29):
Skim or quit complaining. Just go Deep Throat and utter
like a champion. Buy your own vow.
I should try. So how long was that milk
sitting? Like, how long did it take?
You'd go through that glass of milk like 10 minutes?
Are we talking about half an hour?
I'd savor it. See, I can't.

(12:49):
I'll take one. Sip in the whole glass.
I mean, there's, there's times when I like slam it.
I try to, yeah. Especially if I make my if I.
Slurp it down. Strawberry milk.
Strawberry milk's different. That's not the same as milk.
I'm talking like. Well, I mean, like on special
occasions where I'll have a strawberry milk, it's like it
doesn't even get into the glass.It goes straight from, like it

(13:12):
just bounces out of the glass and into my gut.
Yeah, yeah, it's so good. I love it so much.
But there's like sugar, like a high amount of sugar in that so
that. There's a high amount of sugar
in your fucking fat ass too. You bet.
You bet your sweet ass there is.Yeah, how many pounds has it

(13:33):
been? Oh yeah, yeah, how?
How? How was the before and after
review? Yeah, when you walked.
In like, am I in the right place?
Did you think you were going to bounce off me when you walked
in? Yeah, I thought, I thought we'd
hug and then I'll just, yeah, bounce back out, you know?
'Cause I've gained like at leastlike 20 lbs since I last saw

(13:56):
you. That conservatively, I've gained
at least 20 lbs. I didn't notice.
Ouch. Ouch.
But also. Thank you.
Yeah. I guess I wear it well.
Oh man, yeah, it's been a nightmare.

(14:21):
Have you? So you knew about his Mazda?
You switched. You graduated to the Mazda
before. No, I didn't have the Mazda till
I moved into the house. He wouldn't have really known
about it. Last time we saw him was at your
place once we recorded there, but it we probably wouldn't have
noticed it last time I was driving the VW.
Last time we we're recording. Yeah, I.

(14:44):
OK, so, OK, so he has you. You saw his red Mazda out there,
right? Yeah.
Guess what his car payments are?Not much.
No, tell them. Tell them what your car payments
are on that. No, just say car payments.
Oh, a car payments for $500 a month because my wife has a

(15:06):
brand new Rav 4. So.
We. Yeah.
So I I have my Jetta. Right.
You had the Jetta. She was driving the Prius.
Yeah, she's driving the Prius. She got a new job, she wanted to
drive a nicer car, so she started driving my Jetta.
I take my Jetta out every once in a while when I get the chance

(15:28):
to When. I'm did you get permission?
Yeah, to drive my car and get fucked up by old lady driving a
Mustang. Totaled it completely.
All the airbags went off. It was a bad day.
I wasn't even drinking either and it.
Would have been easier if you were, and so we use the money.

(15:50):
That the insurance gives us to pay it off and instead of
replace that car for a car for me, we buy my wife a brand new
Rav 4 and my brother gives me mymom's old fucking 2010 Mazda
with 200. 1000 miles on it. Yeah, love that.

(16:14):
It's awesome. Such a fucking journey.
When you actually finally get a nice car though.
When, When. That's up to you.
That's your choice. I'm not even allowed to drive my
wife's car. Sorry, that's your wife's
choice. Go get a nice one.
OK, let me pay off the 20 grand in credit card debt first.

(16:34):
Yeah. I mean, that's the best order to
do it in for sure. Just don't do credit cards.
Yeah, don't fucking fuck with them.
How are you financially? Sit down.
Yeah. Doing better than I was.
Good. Good, good, good.
A few months ago. Yeah, my wife's student loans

(16:56):
were going to be like 3 or $400.00 a month and they kick in
in August and we finally, after months of begging the government
to let us pay less money per month for a longer period of
time, they finally went OK, 175 I'm.
Like final. Offer.

(17:20):
Can I just kill myself? And they're like, technically
yes, but that's the only way to get out of this.
Yeah, student loans are stupid. They are.
It's fucking rough. And I'm homeless as well.
We're living with my in laws. My life has fallen apart.

(17:40):
Since the last time I saw you. Oh my God.
He got another job that costs him money.
His job working at the studio cost me money.
Just a fuel, yeah. Yeah, buy all the equipment and.
Yeah. Yep.
Oh man. Ben's doing great though.

(18:00):
Well. Man, I'm coasted I guess are.
You still at the same apartment?No.
How is moving? Same complex, no different.
Oh, OK. How is moving?
Do you have a bunch of fucking and?
Why didn't you ask us for help? Thank you for not, but also you

(18:22):
knew that was an option so. That says something about how
friendly. We are to.
Our friend, by the way, I'm a horrible friend because I hadn't
talked to you in two years and then just decided to wish you a.
Happy, hey, but you know what you know what?
What you were the first to? You were happy.

(18:43):
Birthday. Yes, back for my mom.
At 2:00 AM, Yeah. Which also by the way.
Quit. Texting yeah, we got to we got
to stop with this 3:00 AM like hey man, how you been dude, I
miss you it's like I I miss you too, man but like also.

(19:04):
Russell, I'm gonna stab you in the trachea if you wake me up
again. Do you like breathing 'cause
you're gonna be really good at it?
Yeah. But that's the thing that's
fucked up. You always think of your friends
like when it's the least convenient time to do that.
And then like when it's a more appropriate time of the day,
you're usually busy doing something else.
Yeah. And so how do you inconvenience?

(19:29):
You with my kindness. Are you like?
Is there a way to schedule a text to send at a certain time?
Yeah I refuse to do that cuz I am not.
It feels insincere. It feels extremely boomerish to
do that. Eric, what's a good time to
text? What's a not three AM 302, got
it. Anytime from like 6:00 AM to

(19:52):
10:00 PM, yeah. That's fine.
Yeah, I'm in bed before that, so.
It's fine. It didn't wake me up.
I just saw it the next day and Ithought what's?
He doing? I'm sitting in the parking lot
at work waiting to go in. Is this a code for?
Do you want you to find you? I'm.

(20:12):
Trying to booty call me. I don't know, I drugged myself
yesterday so and I had to miss work.
Yeah, which fucked us. Yeah, I accidentally took my
muscle relaxer instead of my migraine pill yesterday morning
and didn't realize it until I got to work.
And I'm sitting in the parking lot and I, like, reach into my
backpack and I pull out the somepills and I'm like this.

(20:36):
These ones aren't supposed to behere.
Interesting. I need to go home before I hit
somebody with my. Yeah, it sounds like this
motherfucker just wanted a day off.
I don't know. I can't during what we're going
through. We can't afford that fucking.

(20:57):
I hate it there right now. Yeah, Ben's like one more bit of
bad news from wearing Russell asa sock.
Dude, shit is crazy. Fucking crazy.
At the clock, our factory, it's just chaos.
We lost our lesbian at work, shehad weed.
Well, we lost our. Violence, Horatio.

(21:19):
And then we lost our lesbian. Yeah, not even because of.
Would you even call that domestic violence A.
Threat that seems like foreign. Violence slow down.
So we had a third part of our team and her wife's baby father

(21:41):
threatened to kill them. And also held them at gunpoint.
Yeah, and so she had to skip town at a very short notice.
And so now we're just training anew person from scratch during
like the most crunch, crunch time.
Of the year. It were that we've had in a long

(22:01):
time and it's been bad for like 6 months already.
Yeah. So we're just like burning it at
both ends of the. Both ends of the candle and also
at the middle and top. There was no wax to begin with,
actually. We're throwing the Candlestick
into the sun. Turns out this candle is 2

(22:22):
matches. Oh man, yeah.
Speaking of matches, do you knowlike the proper way to light a
match with a matchbook? I learned this like 2 years ago
and it blows my mind. Do you not just?
I don't know. You remember, you know the magic
books gonna get from a bar. Yeah, yeah.

(22:44):
Do you not just like just swipe it across not?
Not in a matchbook, Nope. You have to fold the back the.
Cover. Cover over it to pinch it.
Yeah, you pinch the match in andyou pull the match out of the
pinch because. The matchbook matches aren't
wood, they're like flimsy cardboard so you wouldn't have
purchase on it. This was a stupid question for
him to ask you. That's just uninteresting.

(23:04):
But. Hey, I'm just trying to learn
the listener, all right? I'm trying to mansplain it.
I. Think they know.
I think our listener of douchebag.
Literally our group of 14. He didn't mean it.
He didn't mean it. Our group of 14 Internet
douchebags, self-proclaimed Internet douchebags, know how to
use a fucking matchbook. Don't worry, listener Tracy will

(23:26):
handle this. Oh yeah, I forgot.
His sister will beat me up. She started it.
And I don't mean that like, I mean that in a literal his
sister will beat me up. She's scary.
Oh my God, dude. She she beating you up?
No, but she's giving me a couplelooks I don't like.

(23:48):
Russell's earned a couple. The first time.
I pulled up at his. His old place where he was
living with his parents. She was out in the park or in
the driveway and I pulled up andshe fucking did one of these,
like looked over at me like, whois this white kid that just
pulled up in this neighborhood? Did you have like your your man
button? At this point I was shaved.
At that point, no. May have.

(24:10):
No, no, no it wouldn't. Have been long enough, yeah, but
I it was when I stopped cutting it, but it wouldn't have been
that long. I just was like, I don't ever
want to be here ever again. She scares.
Me. Dude, we should samurai cut your
hair. Like leave the back inside super
the weird Chinese ball bun thing.

(24:32):
Yeah, that would be so. Fucking wild.
That's manly, dude. Oh my God, no.
Ball bun and. Then and then we should go to
work and you should just wear a hat.
And then when someone complaintsabout how hot it is and why
you're wearing a hat, you just. And then they they kept a weird
cancer diagnosis. What's his name?

(24:53):
What was his name? Fucking guy who got popped for
weed after he became a clown carleader.
Oh, dumb Chadwick Bose. Chad, yeah, he, he comes to
work. We're all in a big meeting.
You know the meetings we used tohave.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was wearing a wig and and

(25:19):
you couldn't tell it was like a good 'cause he was wearing a wig
and they had a hat on and he hadlike curly, he was a curly
ginger fuck. So which apparently is black
now. I don't know if you guys knew
that, but gingers are black. They just said so, but.
It's 'cause they're. Easy.
Well, if you rearrange the. Letters in ginger it was.

(25:41):
They're all a lot anyway. So he's got a wig and a hat on
and nobody can tell. And then as the manager is
talking in front of everybody, he like, sneaks up next to the
manager and pulls his wig off and he's got a fucking bozo
ring. Just like the horseshoe.
The horseshoe, Remember that traditional clown haircut where
like the back inside you're likesuper curly puffy?

(26:05):
Like where he's bawled on the top and got a horseshoe.
Up there on the bottom. But you didn't.
You just. He just shaved.
It like. Yeah, Bozo ring.
Bozo ring. Bozo the Clown.
OK, Bozo Ring. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Makes sense.
Yeah. I just never.
It was pretty fucking funny. It was that.
Was a long winded story. Yeah, it was.

(26:29):
Was it worth it? No.
Yeah, Russell's like winded now.Now he's like breathing hard.
I don't like how he's treating me.
Ever since you called me up like5 years ago about the autism
thing, I can't live it down. Every time I'm in the same room
as you, I feel small. You know I'm right.

(26:53):
Of course you're right, Eric's being an asshole.
If you guys don't remember, I used to, I used to, I used to
accuse people legitimately of having autism because I just
like knew. And then one time Eric goes on
the podcast, yeah, you keep saying I have autism, but I
think it's you. It's projecting.

(27:17):
Because I got. Two people in the same room who
I've been telling other people have autism and they found out
I've been talking shit. Yeah, he told me for like months
before I met you that you have autism.
Show. I've been in my mind.
I'm like, OK, you got a. Black guy that walks on his

(27:39):
stupid toes. Yeah.
So I'm like. I I was just kept.
I kept it in the back of my mind, you know?
Yeah, yeah. He's like, OK, he has autism.
So. Yeah, but then I met you.
It's like, wait a minute. Immediately I was like, he
doesn't have autism. Oh, he's just fucking with me

(28:11):
'cause he's damn it. Like he's my joke.
It's about me having autism, so wait a minute.
Dude, this is like the third or fourth week that we recorded
that. I've been like crying.
It's being ridiculous. Good.
Oh man. That's fucking insane dude.
You remember when you were a little kid and like some will
tickle you so hard that you throw out.

(28:34):
No. I don't think I've that too
right? Now you wanna what's his name?
You wanna earn a new memory? Yo do I have to earn it?
Are you OK? No, no, the fucking good spots
are like right above the knee that like fucking knee grab that
people give you with. Stick away from me.

(28:56):
Eric just put Eric's like. 'Cause he has the memory.
He can get away from my kneecaps.
He fucking knows that when someone fucking pokes you in the
ribs, oh man, it's the worst. Yeah.
That was great. It's the fucking worst dude.

(29:16):
I feel like we're like that close dude just laughing so hard
we just vomit everywhere. There was that one time we had
your sister on and she was talking about bloody or the
earning your wings as a lesbian.Do you know what?
That is no, but I feel like it'swhen you.
Eat out your significant other while she's on her period and

(29:40):
you earn your wings, your blood wings and I.
About what I thought. Like fake started like I I like
fake gagged like we were eating and so I actually threw up.
I'm surprised that that's like the first time that we've thrown
up on the podcast. It's not I've early days.

(30:01):
I was leaving the podcast to puke constantly.
Oh yeah, that's right. I had a problem.
That's fair. Do you guys not Remember Me
sleeping during some of the episodes?
No, I don't remember the. Sleeping, I just remember like
you guys, you'd have all these different types of alcohol and
like I drink, but not like. Not like, not like very much.

(30:23):
You know we're. Speaking like.
If we're going out somewhere, I might have like a couple beers,
maybe a a Margarita or something.
'Cause you're an adult. Yeah, I just.
I just never really like. Never liked the sauce like that.
Yeah, there's, I mean, there's been times I can, I can tell you
about my birthday when I got pretty sauced.
But yeah, when back when we weredoing the podcast a couple years

(30:45):
ago, I'd I'd show up and by the time we were done, I was like.
They can't go home. You were recording at my house.
Like, I'm sorry. I can't keep up with these.
Guys, we were recording at my apartment and I'm an alcoholic,
so I'm like, I don't, they can worry about themselves.
I have the freedom to drink as much as I want and I'm going to

(31:07):
try and get them to, you know, drink with me.
Come on, guys, keep up. You can stay the night in my
weird apartment. You'd pour.
You get like dark beers. I don't like dark beers.
It's too bitter. I do remember that I do.
A dark beard of like. I'd like sip it a little bit.
Yeah, I think like after the 4thtime of us like wasting so much,

(31:28):
we just started like pouring it in thirds and you would still
like only drink like a bit. And then there were like a
couple nights where you didn't drink much at all and you were
like visibly drunk. I was like, we're going to hang
out a little bit after this recording.
Those were the good ones. But yeah, there were a couple
times where I would start at thetable 'cause we had this like
folding like card table thing that we were recording on.
And I would start in a folding chair sitting at the table with

(31:51):
you guys. And I would slowly like just.
Melt, just melt out of the. Floor and I would end the I
would wake up and you guys were like all right, so I guess we'll
see at work tomorrow. Just on the floor snoring.
I also seem to remember you passing like an obscene amount
of gas. Oh, that's still that's not.

(32:14):
That's just, I'm currently flatulently constipated today.
But yeah, no, that hasn't changed.
Yeah, that's we just don't have a fart mic because all this
stuff is the only mic in here that is that isn't owned by the
studio. Is that one?
And, and it's also kind of the studio, thank God.

(32:36):
And I don't want to get my poop on customers mouths.
Well, I. Mean.
Some of them, some of. Them I do.
But yeah, yeah. Some of them when they shove
poop in your ears that much theyhad it coming.
Yeah. Oh my God, dude.
So tell me about college. College and.

(32:58):
He had graduated college by the time we started this.
College. I'm 30.
Yeah. No, tell me about there was.
Seven years old. Tell me.
I know it's happening. I know I know why he's asking me
too. I just.

(33:21):
Now Russell was just genuinely lost and Eric's being an
asshole. You.
Guys are taking advantage of me.I didn't know how I retarded
that one until this guy showed up.
It wasn't as retarded as I remember.
He's pretty sober now he's. Pretty.
Fucking sharp but I don't like. Him.

(33:43):
Why is he locked in? It's the.
Monster here, all tiled, but yeah so.
You want a Jenny? We were talking.
No, he can't have those. Can you have zins?

(34:04):
Oh no. Do you want the last Zinni?
No, I can't have those. Not after the last time.
I'm just trying to be a good. Friend Eric and I, we told that
on the show, yeah. Oh my God.
I forgot about. That dude, I'm so sorry.
Oh man, just blowing up in frontof Theo.

(34:26):
Von was great. Yeah, this one would hit you
like a fucking truck. Yeah.
Damn dude, just. A little breath.
Dude, like, OK, did you like howdid how did that play out?
Did you like try to like push itback in with your hands and then

(34:48):
ended up making a strainer? He.
Literally did. He literally did.
I went over because he got up and I just kind of like happened
to look up because I thought he was just going to take a piss
before the show started and we're sitting in a fucking
arena. Or is it an arena or a theater?
You. Want me to tell my perspective?
Yes. OK, So what happened was he gave

(35:13):
me one of those. We're at a casino.
Yeah, we're at a, we're at a casino and we're there to see
Theo Von and we're staying like overnight at the casino, at the
hotel. So we go up to the room, drop
off our stuff. We had already eaten dinner.
But I had it. Was probably didn't help.
I had like a quesadilla and someshrimp, yeah.

(35:34):
Yes, I remember this, yeah. Yeah, so we go up to the room,
drop off our stuff. He gives me one of those.
I'm like the elevator. Yeah.
And on the elevator ride down, by the way, already like those
elevators, they're fast. They're fast.
And like you, you feel it, Yeah.And so by the time we get off
the elevator, I'm already like, I'm not feeling good.

(35:59):
I'm not. Feeling, that's what.
Feeling good feels like. I had no idea.
I feel like a little bit sicker than I should, but like, it'll
probably pass. It did not.
In your mouth. Your mouth starts salivating
like it's a pre throw up salivating but you don't know
that it's you think it's the pouch.
You can feel like the colours start draining out of your face,

(36:19):
like your your forehead starts sweating a little bit.
Yeah, like it just gets progressively worse.
Fuck yeah. So, and we're in the Nosebleed.
Set. Yeah, we're at the very top.
So we're in the almost the back row.
Yeah. So we get in, we start walking
up the seats. I'm, I'm like, kind of, I'm

(36:41):
nauseated, nauseated a little bit.
We sit down, we start talking tosome people around us.
And at this point I'm like, I'm like trying to keep it together
And a few more minutes pass and that's when I feel like I'm
like, I'm going to throw up. I'm past the point of no return.

(37:02):
I'm going to. I got to go to the bathroom just
to be safe. And this is when I I'm going to
go brother. Yeah.
I, I just mumbled it too. I'm like, oh, OK, so I, I excuse

(37:23):
myself, you know, it slide past everybody, start walking down
the steps and that's when it hits.
I. See, I see his hand go over his
face and it's just just like thetips of his fingers kind of like
this. And like his face gets forward a
little bit and I can't, I can't.I can't actually hear it, but I
hear. It you can see it shoot through
my fingers. Yeah.

(37:46):
You can move, you just. Projectile.
Yeah, like, dude, it's got a good.
Arch and everything and it's. All and.
People are like or like clear. It's like motors.
It's like a parting of the red, Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fighting traffic.
Yeah, people are. I'm going down the stairs.

(38:07):
People are coming up here. He.
Was fighting traffic and then heturned the sirens on.
People isn't a problem. Anymore I'm puking through my
fingers and people are like. Whoa, whoa.
I'm trying to I'm like muffled and I'm like.

(38:28):
Listen not, motherfucker. I'm like, fuck, you know, and
then I get out to like where thewhere they're like serving
snacks and you know where you buy popcorn and all that the
concession stand and there's thelines are all so long.
So I got to like, I got to like bulldoze through the lines there

(38:48):
too it. Was like.
People can like people start looking over and they see like
the the. Red Snail Trail.
Yeah, the snail trail. Just like down my shirt.
And then suddenly people don't have to pee so bad.

(39:09):
She's like, you know, I can holdit.
I'm making. It to the bathroom.
By the time I make it to the bathroom, I'm like done throwing
up. I've.
Already thrown up all the way. At least you can clean up
though. Yeah, well, so I start cleaning
up and then I get all the the vomit cleaned up and then I'm

(39:29):
like, it changed course. Yeah.
And at that point it had travelled downstream and I was
like, fuck, I'm taking shit. Traffic went European on it I.
Kick open the stall door and it like.

(39:52):
A. Shotgun.
Sorry guys. And I'm sitting there and I'm
like, what did this motherfuckergive me?
It's just like. It's not even the Lucy.

(40:14):
No, it was a six. Oh my God.
And at that point I would. Well, that doesn't work.
Just. Deletes all.
Aw, yeah, I'd go home. Just going to make a note.

(40:36):
All right, continue. So as soon as I like, I feel so
fucking bad. I'm like.
So I was, I was sitting there onthat toilet.
I was like, Oh my God, oh Jesus Christ.
Still sweating? Yeah, I was.
Still sweating. I was still like, I had, you
know, I'd done everything at this point.

(40:57):
It was all past, but I was just,I was just sitting in the
aftermath. Right.
Yeah, kind of waiting for. Aftermath is the appropriate
word. Yeah, I.
Was just, you know, I was waiting for like the all clear.
I was like waiting to like, OK. What happened to the pouch
exactly? I don't know.

(41:18):
He's. Like.
This was a long time ago at thispoint man.
Well I remember throwing up and shitting Oh my God.
But. The Purge.
Yeah, So he texted me. He's like, dude, are you OK?
No, no. No, no, no.
The first thing I said was I am so sorry, are you OK?

(41:40):
And then the first opener starts.
Yeah, I can like hear everybody laughing from the stadium and
I'm like sitting in sadness. And I'm just waiting.
Alone. And I'm like, I think he's dead.
I think I killed him. I think nicotine is bad.
And so I go down there and I'm just like waiting outside the

(42:03):
bathroom, kind of looking aroundto see if he's just hanging out
there 'cause he's mad at me or something.
Like I don't know what happened to our friendship at this.
Point Yeah, I figured this guy on the brink.
I don't, I don't, I don't automatically assume that he
left me in Tulsa. Yeah.
But there was a chance in my brain that like.
They had just coordinated. Right hauled.
His parents. And was like this guy was not

(42:23):
actually my friend. He tried to kill me.
I need you to come pick me up, he.
Rolled me into a false insecurity promises.
Something that made me puke. And so I'm looking around and
I'm like is. He in the bathroom still.
And. So I'm looking for shoes facing
the toilet, right? And I'm peeking like not enough

(42:44):
to see leg or ankle but just to see the direction of the shoe.
Because I'm not thinking shit. I'm still thinking to bomb, you
know? But like, The thing is, like
anyone who does a Zen pouch, they know that like in the
morning especially, and it's going to happen throughout the
day, about 10 minutes after you're like a good hit Poopy.
It's like poopy. It's like poopy time.

(43:04):
Yep. And so I'm like, what was he
wearing? He's wearing some like wing tip,
nice shoes. Yeah, that he probably ruined.
I don't even remember. And so I'm like looking and I
see him face in the other direction.
I'm not 100% convinced that's him, but I'm like, I waited for
everybody to leave and I go and he doesn't respond.

(43:29):
And I'm like. OK, it's not him and just I was
like are you OK? Oh shit, anyway, I'll get it.
And so and he knows a response. I'm like God damn it.

(43:50):
The second guy comes out and is we go through his full set and
then they're like playing music and Theo comes out like right as
you come out of the bathroom. Because at that point I came out
and I was just waiting by the bathroom because I didn't want
to go in there because I wasn't sure we were staying.
I was like, I got to nurse this guy back to health.

(44:10):
Yeah, it's mom time now. Like, I'm, I'm scared.
And yeah. And then the show was fine
because Theo Von is not that great on stage.
Well, OK, I'll say this. When he's like working out
material, you happen to get one of those shows.
No. Or he's just recycling.
His workout is funnier than his like, finished product, at least

(44:33):
to me, because like all of his jokes, I'd heard the pieces of
those being made in like all thepodcasts he's been on and all
the clips he's I've seen. So then like all this stuff, I
was just like, this was funnier when I didn't know what he was
going to say and it just wasn't as cool.
But it was a fun experience because after that we went to

(44:55):
Hooters. Nice.
Oh yeah, we did go to Hooters. I'd never been to Hooters
before. So what was your play like?
Did you like go to the sink and like wet a paper towel and like
wipe down? Like I washed off at the sink.
Yeah. Do you flip the shirt inside
out? Like what's the play?
I think I just, it was, I remember where I was, I was
wearing like an all black shirt.So I just, yeah.

(45:15):
I don't remember seeing anythingon him after he came out.
But I I do remember is, you know, my parents were there too.
They're just playing at the casino and after the Yvonne we
come out and my parents are out there and my dad is like, oh, so
how was it? I had to lie and be like, it was

(45:37):
great. I was just like looking.
I totally didn't. Just.
I don't know what to say here. Wreck myself and.
Hurt your son and they gave us each 20 bucks and we're like
let's go, go play some games. I lost it all immediately and he
was up like 100 bucks by the endof the night.
It was retarded. At least he got something out of

(45:58):
the experience. Yeah, he lost something too.
Lost a lot. Probably lost a couple pounds
dude. But it was crazy, dude.
His parents, do they have like did they get those rooms like
comped or something? Because we had separate rooms
and they were like big suites. Yeah, yeah.
So my parents are like pretty. Degenerate gamblers.

(46:22):
Yeah, Yeah, yeah, they are. They're pretty, I mean, they
don't like they, they just go tothat casino like a lot.
And so they have like, I don't know, membership cards or
something like that. The players Club.
Yeah, it's like a players club and they get 2 free rooms a
month. Yeah.

(46:44):
So much do you have to lose to get 2 free rooms a month That's.
What I'm saying man, they, they go a lot.
They go probably a couple times a week.
That's crazy. It's a dedication.
Yeah, so my grandma lives with them too.
And my grandma is even worse. She's 93 and she's like.

(47:05):
She's funny too. She's like 4 foot 9 and you
just, you just let her off at the front and she's gone.
Did she turn around? She you don't see her anymore.
Did she do the old school like slots where you like pull the
handle down? No, I don't think they even have
those. Yeah, they did.
I did those. But what she does is she likes

(47:29):
to like, stalk people. She likes to watch people like
playing. She'll come up right behind
them. Just just watch, you know, just
hang out over their shoulder. Voyeurism.
Interesting SO. Some people turn around and see
this like 93 year old woman watching be like they don't

(47:49):
really know if they can like tell her off or not you know?
She's just standing back there in the shadows.
She's like. Yeah, do it.
She's like, is she? Lost or.
Am I safe right now? And then that the that morning,
the next morning, we went to your parents house and then he
gave us Ate's breakfast and thenwe went up to his childhood

(48:12):
bedroom and played with his action figures.
Fuck yeah. We did.
I don't remember that it. Was awesome.
Was it my Dragon Ball Z action figures?
I. I.
Believe it was, yeah, 'cause your mom was like, hey, you
should show them all your actionfigures that you have up there.
I put them all in boxes. She like forgot that he was a

(48:34):
fucking grown ass man. Yeah.
So we went upstairs and we go inthere and it's like just a
teenage kids bedroom. And then he's got these two big
boxes of Dragon Ball Z action figures.
And I was like, this is the coolest thing I've ever seen.
We should have just come here last night.
I love that those. I love that.
Yeah, I wonder if that was around the.
I think that was why she had them.

(48:56):
Yeah, you had had, you might have like had her gather them up
so you could sell them. I like the idea that you didn't
know that he watched Dragon Ballbecause like 20 minutes prior to
recording you asked him. I couldn't remember that they
were Dragon Ball figures until he said something.
I just remember. I like in my mind I was
remembering like WWE action. Figures.
OK, yeah, it had a big dragon. Ball Z action figure because

(49:17):
those were the only ones I held on to.
But now that he says that, I do remember making fun of him for
Dragon Ball Z and because this was before I.
Even took the time to became a member.
Of the religion that is Dragon Ball Z.
Yeah. Because now I've seen all of it
and it's incredible. Yeah.
Did you watch DYMA yet? No, I've only seen like the
original dragon. Ball, you didn't even watch

(49:38):
Super. No, I didn't watch Super.
Did you watch the original Dragon Ball?
No, I've seen. Just Z Just.
Yeah. Did you stop at Sell Saga?
No, I saw through the Boo. Boo saga's better.
You're just wrong. I dude I can't even weigh on
this. I was so young when I.
It's just ridiculous. I was so young when I watched it

(50:01):
all. And then I I remember playing
the games, like, a lot. Yeah, me and my friend would
just scream. Yeah, we'd get so into it.
I, my little brother, got me into Dragon Ball Z and I just, I
haven't turned back. It's so good.
Yeah, it's worth a watch. I think it's I told my wife that

(50:21):
was a prerequisite before he gotmarried so she had to watch
Dragon Ball and Dragon Ball Z. Did you make her watch Z or did
you guys watch Kai at least? Yeah, we watch Kai, OK, We watch
Kai 'cause I, I, you can't make.Your significant other?
Watch the Snake Rd. saga. That's how I know she'll be a
Good Wife and a good mother. Yeah, or the the Super Gohan
saga that just. Kill yourself like salmon.

(50:44):
Yeah, Yeah, that was. But that's the Boo stuff, dude.
That's what I'm telling you. That's gross.
Kai gets through Kai. It springs through pretty
quickly through, say, a man, youbarely see the costume.
Yeah, and that's why the Boo saga is better to watch in Kai
than it is if you, if you were like tainted by the original Z

(51:05):
yeah, the Boo saga sucks, but ifyou watch, if you just watch Kai
like I did, then you don't realize how horrible it was
because of all the filler that was in there.
Yeah. Who's your favorite?
Who's my favorite? Yeah, I can tell you who my lead
It's Goku. And if your favorite is Gohan,
you're wrong. The answer is Piccolo, you
fucking swine. OK, I thought, I'm.
Talking about cheetah. Vegeta's pretty good, too.

(51:27):
Vegeta's dope especially. That was like the coolest
version, and that's like the only reason I enjoyed.
Piccolo is is probably the best choice of like all the
characters, but Goku is my favorite.
Piccolo's A. Fucking freak of nature, like
they he was never anyone in his.Arm out of his shoulder.
Yeah, he fucking just screams and all of a sudden the arm

(51:47):
just. Pumps out of his fucking
rotator's cuff pussy. Yeah dude, why does that thing?
Why does the wound look fuckable?
Why did they draw it like that? This is fucking weird choice.
When I was a kid, I had somebodyconvinced me that there was a
version of Dragon Ball Z that like the original version, and
they told me it was Korean, the original Korean version of

(52:08):
Dragon Ball. Everybody was naked.
No, I think they went to Limewire and fucking downloaded
the Rock episode Dragon Ball Z. He's a new.
Browns. They're just battled their
erections. I remember.
There's there's an anime yeah I keep seeing a clip of where
these guys fight with their cum where like 2 guys like meeting

(52:32):
an alley and then you just see their arm like vigorously going
in the masturbation motion and they're doing like the anime
power up so you. Know I think I have elbow, I
have video I have to show you and I think it might be.
And it's then then you see thesesperm cells shoot out.
Yes, Yeah, I got to find that anime.
I was actually about to show youthat video while we were talking

(52:54):
doing. Video.
Oh, I got it earlier. Yeah, but but the answer is
Piccolo. Yeah, yeah, 'cause he is an
absolute freak. Not only can he fucking shoot an
arm out of his shoulder pussy, that entire race of people is
weak as shit. Like super weak.

(53:14):
And he's like actually hanging with them.
He's like always one level behind them.
Granted, so is Krellan. It's funny to know that Krillin
is the strongest human. Being on the entire.
Fucking planet. That is wild.
And then like, I didn't know that you're cooler bald.
He's like the only cooler personbald because when he fucking

(53:36):
shows up with hair and a mustache you're like OK what the
fuck is happening? He becomes a cop and he's gayer.
Are you trying to say that all cops are bad?
Yeah, obviously this is an A cab.
Dude, could you imagine Krillin pulling you over on his bicycle

(53:59):
and cabbie searching you and then?
He does the fucking. What's his?
Destructive Dicks. Instead of doing a PIT maneuver,
he hits you with the destructivedisk.
It just bodies your car. Just be.
Like I can't breathe. You know why I pulled you over?

(54:20):
I. Don't even know who you are.
But that's pretty short, isn't he?
Like he's super. Short.
Yeah, he's this giant robot. I like to imagine he just kind
of walks up to your window but you only see like the top of his
bald. Head.
Yeah, You see the forehead. You know how I pulled you over?
Do you know how I pulled you over?

(54:41):
Maybe like the department made him grow his hair out because
like the reflection from the sunkept blinding.
The drivers at least tried to get their license registration.
No. Well, he was a desk cop, which
is even worse. Was he just said?
Yeah, he just had like a cubiclein the middle of the street.
What? That's normal for Japan?
It's the Japan thing, yeah. Japan is so good.

(55:03):
Have you seen their guns? The one that have the lanyard
attached. My gun has a lanyard hole on it
or a lanyard ring on it because it's a British gun.
Yeah, the British cops don't even carry guns.
Have you? Did you know that?
Britain's trying to outlaw. So they've outlawed knives like.

(55:26):
Possible. Yeah, because there's a big
stabbing problem over there, right?
There's a loophole. This is how fucking not real
politics in the UK is, is there so we have which we don't.
But the, you know, the common term, the gun show loophole.
You know where you could go buy a gun without a background
check? That's not how it works.

(55:47):
If you go to a gun show and try to buy a gun and ask to not do a
background check, you'll get arrested.
But in their version of the gun show loophole, this is a real
loophole, is what's called zombie knives.
So any knife with writing on it like cool branding yeah is

(56:09):
legal. 'Cause it's considered.
So gas station knives are legal,Yeah, but you can't have cool
like nice pocket knives. And then you can have what's
called a safety knife as long solike it's got a as long as the
blade has a seat belt cutter on the backside or on the front
side of it, you can also have that.
So it's like they're not even preventing it.

(56:30):
But anyway, then Idris Elba, theonly man in that country, by the
way, is still gay because he's running a campaign to blunt
kitchen knives and like, have a,a knife registry and that
they're going to blunt all the knives, including kitchen
knives. And you have to be on a registry

(56:52):
when you purchase a kitchen knife.
As if blacksmithing isn't a thing.
So now they're going to have ghost knives.
Yeah, yeah. Dude imagine if you have like
really nice cutlery that was passed down for like 4
generations is like it's a family heirloom you have to go
stamp and to etch fucking serialnumbers into it.
Oh, I'd be fuming, boy. At least all schools on the

(57:14):
fucking shooting gallery and IT.Fucking hate that.
Eat your fucking. Baby shit.
Peas. Yeah, shut up.
Peas and toast. Beans on toast, mushy peas and.
Weird hot dogs inside of a can. OK, here's the thing.

(57:36):
OK, fuck you. By the way, Vienna sausages are
great. But.
Sorry, no, it's like a it's a weird jar.
It's like a jar of Pickles, except it's just like sausages.
Wieners. Well, they're so gay that like,
we hide our gayness when we eat sausage by calling it sausage.
They call their sausage bangers.I don't know man, that's pretty
cool. How was your heart dog?

(57:59):
It was a banger. The only people that I'm truly
racist against, like in my heart, is the English and kind
of the French, because they're dirty people.
I'm fine with black people. I'll make jokes.
You don't want to go bang out some bangers.
No, I'll eat a sausage. Yeah, you will.
That sounds. So much gayer to me.

(58:23):
I will suck on a banger. Oh right, you've proven your
point. Calm down.
When did Here's my When did hot dogs start being called glizzy?
I don't know. It was back like two or three
years ago. All the sudden people from New
York just decided we're going tobe the funny people again, and

(58:45):
they came up with the term Glizzy.
And then since then comedy's been dead.
There was that one guy who wouldenter, the fat guy who would
interview people on the streets,and it was, how'd it fucking go?

(59:06):
Fuck, I can't remember. He was the fat guy that looked
like DJ Khaled. And he would interview homeless
people and be like, what would you tell Joe Biden right now?
And then this old guy was like, hey, baby, Take Me Out to
dinner. And he's like, what was the he

(59:27):
was like? Oh shit.
Or something stupid. It was just the like as TikTok
rose comedy just decided we're all gay.
Now just everything's gay and cringe.
And that's why Tracy's going to beat Russell.
Yeah, because I'm gay and she can't because it's not a hate
crime. Wait, it's a hate crime if I

(59:48):
punch a gay guy? But what if a gay guy punches
me? But then you complete the
transaction by paying the man 20bucks.
It's a love crime. That's true.
You know, I was, I was going to say it, but then I was like, no,
that's dumb. You're better judgement.
Stocking. Yeah, But then here comes all

(01:00:10):
Russ. Hey, you know what?
This is AT Ball comic test. We set up really shitty jokes.
If you don't hit it, I will. Are you going to hit that?
Oh man. It's all you, buddy.
My wife's going to smell this onmy breath.

(01:00:34):
I'm going to have to take pictures of this.
You know this is going to be thefirst time you, like, brush your
teeth and do mouthwash. And that's Telcha, though.
Yeah, I'm not doing. That that'll be a real problem.
Man. She points out like a surprise
breathalyzer because you just did mouthwash.
It's, you know, like. She does have a breathalyzer, I
bought her one to hit me with, you know?

(01:00:56):
Is it a a dummy one? No, it's real.
And every time, you know, I was drunk and fucking brave, but
every time she'd accused me, I'dbe like fucking breathalyze me
and then she wouldn't and her excuse was I shouldn't have to.
Like, you know, I just fucking just gave you a layup and you
just. Ripped it off the rim.

(01:01:21):
Oh God. Yeah, being a toxic alcoholic is
not. It's not fun, it's not all
that's. Chalked up to me.
It's not exactly how Hollywood made it out, huh?
I never hit her. She hits me so.
God damn I'll. Be like, you know, rubbing up

(01:01:42):
against her leg with. My Oh yeah, is that is that OK?
She'll. Just.
Be like great she'll. Just be like stop and she'll
like grab my nipple. Oh my.
God, she's a meeting. Stop.
Like if. She's not in the mood.
She fucking bats me away or she'll grab my nipple like as I
mean like. And she's got fucking.

(01:02:04):
Needle hands. And I'll squeal and wake up the
entire house. We sleep.
Let me phrase this correctly. Her little sister sleeps next
door to us, so everything's got to happen quietly.
Also, her little sister sleep walks into our bedroom every
once in a while. This is a sophomore in high

(01:02:26):
school, so I have to sleep with clothes.
On the last two. Years.
There is no lock on the door. Buy one, install it.
You're a fucking man, No. How old are we again?
How old is she? That's more what I'm scared of.
Russell's just going to be in fucking Jailbirds the magazine

(01:02:46):
tomorrow. I almost said something.
Here's what I almost said, and I'm going to I didn't say this.
She's unconscious. She won't remember.
Whoops. It sounds worse than what I
meant. All of this is like a really
scary territory to, like, skirt around.
Yeah, I don't like yeah, this. Is my sister.

(01:03:07):
We're. Talking.
Yeah, I have to. I have to go.
I suddenly I have to go to the bathroom.
Bad. I fantasize about when she
brings home a boyfriend. Let's quit using these words.
Let's. Take a little bit, work
carefully. I Daydream about the day that

(01:03:30):
she finds a boyfriend and bringshim home because I'm going to
threaten him physically. Fuck.
He's just like, he's like go in there like meeting people,
shaking hands. You just I was.
Going to say slap slap your meatout on the table.
I like practice things that I that I want to say to him, just
like if you do anything, you know, like the, the.

(01:03:53):
If you so much as. Like the phrase, like anything
you do to her, I'm going to do to you.
But like just like outright say it.
You touch her, I will anally destroy you and I'm not going to
prison for it. If you so much as sniff her
hair, I will fuck your ass. If if she comes home crying I'm
going to rape your ass with my penis.

(01:04:19):
Just spell it out for. Her.
I've thought about asking you ifI can borrow your friends,
because I don't. Have any?
There's this movie with the Gerard Butler where he plays
like a cop and $0.50 and his crew are bank robbers.
Yeah, can't remember what it's called right now.

(01:04:40):
There's a scene where 50 Cent's daughter brings home a boy and
to like, because they're going to prom or something and 50's
like in the swaggiest way possible.
It's like, let me holler at him for a minute and like pulls him
into the garage and the whole bank robbing crew is in the

(01:05:01):
garage with them and they're like just just mogging him, just
staring him down. And then the guy has like a red
handkerchief hanging out of his suit and he like tucks it in.
He goes, I don't want to see that again.
And then the guy's like, yes, Sir, what's worse, Sir?
It's kind of like the in fuckingthe Will Smith and Martin

(01:05:27):
Lawrence. Bad cops or bad boys?
Bad. Boys yeah, Martin Lawrence's
daughter brings home a boy and they just call him the N word.
A bunch of. Times just breaking this man,
this young man. I love those movies.

(01:05:48):
I watched those movies for the first time this year, or maybe
last year. Yeah, it was last year.
They're like my favorite Movies Now.
They're so fucking funny. Yeah, You were in like a stint
of it, like you like had me watch The Equalizer and then we
watched all three of them, like me and my wife.
Yeah, I like, I like cool black guys.
It's a good genre. Yeah, the cool black guys genre.

(01:06:11):
They're all law enforcement. You like black cops?
Yeah. It's more about how you like
black cops. I like big cops.
I like when they take out. Their night stick.
I I love a good BBC big black cop.
I like it when they pull me over.

(01:06:34):
And frisk me with the big Robin night stick.
I just, you know, sometimes theyride me a little too close.
I don't really want a big black cop to rear end me.
Dude. You guys seen end of watch?
Yes, that movie that. Hurts.

(01:06:56):
Yeah, that wouldn't. That one was rough.
I need to watch that one again. Yeah, that was a good.
Movie made me sad. But that, yeah, that was a that
was a rough watch. That was.
Have you seen it? It's Michael Pena and Brokeback.
Brokeback butt man Jake. Yeah, Jake Jillen.
Balls. Balls.

(01:07:18):
Jake Juggle. Balls.
Jake Gyllenhaal in Brokeback Mountain.
Yeah. That was him in opposite.
Yeah, yeah. I didn't know that.
I knew he pleasure was in it, but I didn't know who the other
is. I've never seen that.
Hey, that's actually a good beautiful.
Story. That I have I when Brokeback
Mountain was coming out, so whenI was.

(01:07:42):
Where's this going? I was in like 4th or 5th grade,
I just remember. So my friend's family used to
take me in Wisconsin. We had this place, it was like a
resort town called the WisconsinDells.
It's where all the water parks and stuff are.
And they had a lot of resorts and stuff.
And every year me and my friend Griffin would go to The Dells

(01:08:03):
for like a couple days. That's a such.
That's such a fucking sick name.Griffin.
Yeah. You're just going to name your
son? Yeah.
Just a mythical creature. Hey, this is my son, Liger Liger
Keith. Liger.
Keith Falcon, get over here. Liger's hungry well.
We. Were there Lamborghini help your

(01:08:24):
brother Falcon? And the reason I remember
Brokeback Mountain is because the resort we were at had like a
movie theater in it or something.
And I can't remember what other movie came out, but I was like,
we should go see, you know, whatever movie is some kids PG
animated movie. And his dad goes, why don't we
go see Brokeback Mountain? I didn't know what he said this

(01:08:48):
his dad. Did his dad know what it was?
He was joking because Griffin and his mom all knew what it
was. And I wasn't in on the joke.
And so they're laughing. His mom's like, you can't say
that. And I was like, what's that?
And he goes and Griffin goes. It's a movie about gay Cowboys.
Like an old, like a 45 year old man just being so mean to Baby

(01:09:13):
Russell. Where you just sitting there
like what's gay? Just force them to like explain
all of this to me. Kind of.
I was like, they're living in sin.
I. Love that.
I was like, I can't be here right now, but.
Christ is watching. Yeah.

(01:09:33):
So then that morning we had had like breakfast at the hotel or
whatever and I had bacon and I remember it being like off and I
don't know why. And we went swimming and
whatever. We got ready for bed that night.
And this would have been the second night because I remember

(01:09:53):
the first night I woke up. This is kind of, this was a long
time ago. It was a different time.
It's a different Russell. I woke up to a camera flash in
the middle of the night one night and I don't remember if it
was his dad or his mom but me and Griffin were sharing the
pull out couch bed and I can't. Remember unfortunate name for a

(01:10:15):
couch? I can't remember who whose arm
was over who, but basically one of the parents woke up and saw
that we were basically cuddling in our sleep.
God damn, on the pull out couch no less.
Thought it was hilarious and I think that's why Brokeback
Mountain was a joke. Because of what?
OK, because of. So.

(01:10:36):
OK, that's just full circle, so.He showed us the picture.
I can't remember if I was like had like my arm around Griffin
or he had his arm around me. But anyway, it was hilarious.
They deleted the picture. They just wanted to show us.
But that's funny. The second night we're getting
ready for bed Did. You go North and South that
night. And I go, I got to poop and it

(01:10:59):
was in the middle of the snooze.New episode of Futurama.
Futurama. I'd never seen any adult
cartoons before. It was very, very eye opening.
You learned so much that when you.
Yeah. And then I go to take a shit and
I sit down and I go, holy shit it's the other way.

(01:11:19):
And I turn around and just blastthe entire bathroom with vomit
and they have to like drive me home.
It's like a hour and a half drive.
I'm just puking in a bag in their back seat.
It was awful and embarrassing and he never invited me to go to
the. Dells again?
Fuck, dude. I had a friend.
I wonder. What?

(01:11:42):
Yeah, I know. Crazy crazy I know his name was.
Can I like, do a shitty t-ball joke real quick?
Yeah. I wonder how many children were
conceived on a pull out couch. Part 1.
Complete pull out couch implies the existence of a backshot
couch. Proceed.
Pull out couch implies the existence of a creampie.

(01:12:04):
Couch. He's right.
So you had a friend? So my one of my best friends
growing up, his name is Craig. It's not.
Yes, it is Eric, but his name isCraig.
Yeah, he told me this story one time.

(01:12:27):
He and his family used to alwaysgo to, like, Disney World.
Yeah. All right.
And so one time, one year, they went and this was, you know, he
had passed puberty at this point, so.
He passed it. And he kept going.
So like one night, they're all asleep.
His pubes receded. You saw it was waiting for him

(01:12:48):
on the side of the road he decided not for.
Me. Nothing.
Don't. Pick up.
Stranger danger. Actually.
I mean, you know, he was probably 1415.
I don't know but he's with his family and they're all they're

(01:13:12):
sharing like 1 hotel room and his mom and sister in are in one
bed and he and his dad are in another.
In the middle of the night he tells me, dude, I like I woke up
and I looked down and I had a wet dream and I'm sharing the
bed with my dad. So I'm like fuck, fuck, fuck

(01:13:36):
gets up and like has to like change shit.
It's like the middle of the night.
And he said. And at that point that's when my
mom woke up. She looks over and sees me
fumbling around like trying to rectify the situation.
Me. Too.

(01:13:58):
Oh, got you 2. Like God, I'm not alone.
The sex ghost got us again. That's a family curse I never
told you about until right now. My mom's penis was just hanging
out. Yeah, she's like Craig, is
everything OK? Go away somewhere.

(01:14:22):
It's. Like it's.
It's fine. It's fine.
It's sharp 90° turn away this. Is the difference penis just
he's hurting me. Just finished puberty.
He's already jerked so much intothe 9th.
Degree it's. Like a snake trying to check out
what's going on. Just trying to.

(01:14:44):
Anaconda trying to hear a secretjust.
Some. Juicy details the.
Kind of trying to hear a secret.Oh my God.

(01:15:07):
So when did mom and dad divorce?Yeah.
What happened? Why'd you jerk off my son?
It was. My night.
It was my turn, you swore. It's my turn to be by the sex
ghost. Sex ghost is just like what

(01:15:31):
happens when your parents go under the covers you see the
sheets when your. Parents are tag teaming you.
Craig, you're all right. You'll go tired.
I was visited by the sex ghost. Yeah, the Ghost Train.

(01:15:53):
Fucking can never go to a haunted house ever again.
All aboard the Sex Express. Oh.
Crying. Yeah.
They were all fucking dude. I feel like I'm going to throw

(01:16:18):
out. I missed this.
I love you guys. Bye.
Finish the story. I thought that was it.
Well, I'm, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, we deram.
What more did you want to happen?

(01:16:40):
Yeah, I thought we hit the climax for sure.
There was already the climax. My head.
Hurts. The climax is what woke him up.

(01:17:02):
OK, well you got to still tell us about comments we never got.
Oh. Yeah.
Oh, I thought we were just goingto be mean and just, like, not
tell the story that we swore we were going to wait and save for
the podcast. Oh, man.
Is this also Craig? No.
Is this Tony with an I? This is Mr. Beast.

(01:17:27):
Baby Beast, this is. Come on, there's 1000.
I know I. Shoot from the hip.
Jimmy. Sure, this is Jimmy.
Jemison. Got it.
You know what I'm going to. I'm going to change it.
His name is going to. Be because his name is.

(01:17:50):
Shut up. Russell, God damn it.
Immediately, dude. OK, That is like the equivalent
of fucking Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne wearing glasses.

(01:18:11):
OK, so maybe his name should be Jimmy.
Sorry. There you go.
There it is. OK.
Hold on. OK.

(01:18:34):
So his name's Jimmy. Yeah.
So his name's Jimmy. And one time, this is actually
after college, I think either like my senior year or after
college, but me and Jimmy and some other friends, we're all
sitting around and you know, as guys do, we share our calm art,

(01:18:56):
pretty much our jerk off methods, right?
And everybody kind of technique like a similar technique.
Yeah, cup the balls. Tie your ankle behind your
thigh. Choke yourself.
As one does. Get some hot wax, strip it over
your ball sack. That's a Kaya thing, yeah.
That's. I forgot about that.

(01:19:18):
I thought that was wild. What?
Do you remember Moist Critical? Yeah, their podcast, the
official podcast, the one of theguys on there, Kaya made it
known that when he was a kid, hewould find like he would take a
candle and like pour the hot waxon a table and then like just

(01:19:39):
press his Dick into it and then come sounds.
Awful. Anyways.
Jimmy, on the other hand, had AII hesitate to say superior
method here he. He had an advanced.
Yeah. It was Aryan.
It was definitely advanced. So his method involved him going

(01:20:05):
into the bathroom, which is fine.
A lot of we. Just talked about jerking in the
bathroom will get you will slowly Pavlov you into being
sexually aroused by poop. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I wouldn't doubt it. His method involved him going
into the bathroom and then, like, angling himself.

(01:20:28):
So what what he would do is put his feet like up at the tank.
And so he'd be like at an angle like a SO.
He's facing the toilet. Yeah.
So he's kind of like a downward slope.
So he's got like his feet up kind of by the tank and he's
almost in like a. Like like in.
Push up position. Like he's riding a crotch

(01:20:49):
rocket. Yeah, yeah, kind of.
So his guy. So his feet behind him, he's
sitting like this. Like his Dick is like in the
bowl. Yeah, yeah.
So his Dick is like angles into the but you I mean, you got it
like his his Dick is like and into the bowl.
I thought it's I suppose and that's that's how he would do

(01:21:13):
it. Like like.
Never miss, yeah. That's smart that way he does he
have 100. Percent chance of getting into
the bowl but like that just can't be come from how would
you? Like, I'm gonna imagine.
I'm like imagine. You're damn near upside down,
yeah. Yeah, the blood flows go in your
head. Maybe it's the same thing as
like autoerotic asphyxiation. I mean like.

(01:21:35):
More blood you, but that's bloodin your penis.
Is it 'cause you're? But if your head, it depends on
where your heart is. If your heart is below your
Dick. Then less is going to the yeah.
And you got less going. And if you're cutting off that
you're, I mean, I am because I'mfat.
So I guess it depends on your weight.
But if you bend over too far, you'll cut off the circulation

(01:21:57):
your bottom half completely because you have just one big
fucking artery that goes down here.
What is the? What's the play there like?
What's the reason? Because I'm imagining like maybe
he has like an upturned urethra at the very end.
It like does a 90 like no. Straight up I I can I can
dissect this real quick. It's a shame he didn't want his

(01:22:17):
mom to find out he accidentally came on the toilet one time.
And it like. Dripped on the front or
something and so he's like, I'm never going to miss again.
Yeah, it dribbled a little bit on the seat and yeah.
See. What I did Sister sat down on a
slip and slide. Impregnated assistant.
So what I did when I was in middle school, the method I

(01:22:38):
developed was I was just come inthe belly, wipe like and then
just use your underwear as. A Oh yeah, me too, That is.
Why did your mom do your laundry?
Yeah. How do two people independently
come up with the same method? Because that's so why universal?
Genuine way to come and then because what you do to keep it
from like messing you up is you take you like just kind of have

(01:23:02):
underwear like that. You don't put them in your
laundry right away. You wait for that trip to dry
and then you take it and you just kind of rub it together
until all the flakes flexible. Again.
Until all the flakes come off because you don't want to
rehydrate. It I didn't even do that.
I had I. Just I just.
Understood. What the shame?

(01:23:23):
I don't understand what the shame is.
Did you guys ever get in troublefor watching porn?
A million times. I.
Grew up in a very strict Christian household.
I did too, but I only got caughtonce.
I'm not found my lesbian. My mom, I think I told this on

(01:23:43):
the podcast a couple weeks ago. My mom.
I had just gotten done trying tofind nudes of Hayden Panetierra,
the cheerleader from Heroes. I know her.
You're like no explanation. Need it buddy.
I jerked. It.
And then started doing my homework.
And then like 10 minutes later, my mom comes down, barges into

(01:24:04):
my room and goes, what are you doing?
Let me see your computer. I'm like, I'm doing my homework,
mom. She's like, sure.
And she opens it up. The last thing I did was
masturbate. I don't know how she knew that.
I was so mad. I dude, my child's seed has been
spilled. Yeah, one time.
It's. Like, I don't want to make this

(01:24:26):
blast me, but it's like that story in the Bible.
Oh, Jesus is getting fucking crowded by people just trying to
get help. And there's this really sick
lady that she's like just her faith is so strong that she's
like, if I just touch a piece ofhis clothes, I'll be healed.
And and so she's like crawling underneath everybody and she

(01:24:46):
grabs his gown or whatever it's called dress tunic.
And he immediately goes stop. I can't remember if he says it
or if this is just how it was like told to me.
He goes, I felt power leave my body.
And then he goes, why did you dothat?
And she goes, because I knew that I'd be healed.

(01:25:06):
And it's like this cool story about faith, but also that's how
my mom knew. Dude, what if the we should use
this to like scare our children from masturbating?
Just completely ruin them. Like the more you jerk off, the
more your mom's back starts to curve forward.
That's why your grandma looks like.
That's why she's a hunchback. So keep your balls keep tucked.

(01:25:29):
Motherfucker, don't you hurt my wife.
Slap him. See that?
Look at her back. Look at her posture.
Look what you did, boy. I feel like that's a good one.
That's great. Like, because what was it like
your, your palms are going to hairy, you're going to go blind.

(01:25:50):
Which that ones true I can't fucking see.
You had snipers. Bubbles, I wanted to say this.
You were talking about wet dreams.
I never had one of those 'cause I kept my balls clean, I I made
sure to clean those things out before I went to.
Sleep. I've had two my entire life.
I had one as an adult. I'm 30 years old and I've only
had two in my entire life. One at college.

(01:26:13):
Again, college. College.
You know, it's a wild time, right?
But yeah, like my roommate was sitting there, so I was like,
I'm I'm sure it was a dream. You're the.
Fucking sex ghost guy. I'm going to hang.
Back for a minute and the secondone was like a couple months

(01:26:38):
ago. Fuck yeah, brother.
Yeah, I know. I had one, a few like in the
past six months, and that was the only time I've ever had one.
And yeah, I kept them things fucking.
I didn't want to wake up in my own mess.
I want to make sure I caused it.Yeah, by my.
End OK, so here's the other thing.
When you have a wet dream, are you wet dreaming about fucking?

(01:27:00):
I don't even remember my dreams most of.
The time I wasn't idea I was wetdreaming about masturbating.
I was like oh the fuck you are just that.
Good. I gotta.
Wake up here, he knows what he'sdoing.
Oh my God. Such a high degree that he even
fantasizes about it. Badass.
Like I don't even have you gottabe fucking kidding me.
I don't really have a lot of sexdreams.

(01:27:21):
The one sexual dream that I likevividly remember is I was towing
Selena Gomez's pussy in my childhood home kitchen.
Fuck yeah. With my barefoot nice it was so
strange. That is odd.
Yeah. Like.
You're just. Just poking around it.
Yeah. Kicking the clit a little bit,

(01:27:42):
I'm just. Playing around and I got some
gnarly toenails too. Her gynecologist was horrified.
Did you fuck a Saber tooth? How do you have gingivitis in
your pussy? I think your pussy has athlete's

(01:28:04):
foot. Oh my God.
Wait, Gingivitis. That's that whole movie.
Teeth. Yep, gingivitis of the pussy.
Did you watch that? God damn right I watched that

(01:28:27):
movie. I didn't know that.
We've never seen it anything that.
You've never seen it? Oh yeah, it's weird as fuck.
Sounds like a bet it is. It is a dumb movie.
I watched it with my cousin. I don't know why that matters.
Decided to throw a weird elementin there.
I liked to expose him to like, weird movies.

(01:28:48):
I dude I because he. Was more sheltered than I was
growing up. Have you got caught once
watching the Umbrella music video by Rihanna and got in like
huge trouble? And so like, I don't even think
he ever really like looked at porn.
Dude that man had to pre the second he got married.

(01:29:09):
I'm not going to tell the stories, but I he told me a
story about his first. I'm not going to tell the story
anyway, so. He opened the car door for this
young lady and he like. She said thank you.
I just, I couldn't control myself.
He just like reopens. He he just closes the car door
and like escorts are back at thehouse.
It's like we yeah, dude. So.

(01:29:30):
I just was. I loved exposing him to like
just the most grotesque shit I could.
And so he's like, what is that? You ever been to the Boy Scouts?
Oh man. You.
Want to be an altar boy with me?Yeah, so that's what I was.
I was going to ask if have you guys ever watched porn with your
friends? Yeah, yeah.

(01:29:51):
When I was like 8 or 9, we had dial up Internet at our neighbor
kids house and we spent the night over there and we looked
at boobie.com, which is a website.
It's a thing. Other than like.
And then magazines like when we'd find one in like buried
under a tree at the elementary school, like we all applied to

(01:30:11):
that. We all looked at that shit other
than mind blowing. Other than like like looking up
blue waffle or like lemon party,I feel like that counts.
Like that's the only type of notlike actually like looking up
like real shit though. Yeah, like did we look at porn
to get hard together only once? And I wouldn't.

(01:30:32):
It's pretty cool. I wouldn't call my Uncle Steve
my friend. He's more of a he's more of an
aggressive acquaintance. He was a family friend.
I Yeah. I'd call him a sex ghost,
really. I couldn't fucking throw up.

(01:30:54):
Will you stop? Dude I watched one of the friend
once and you know him. Was he Mexican?
I do know him. He sent our friend a video of
him getting a blowjob on time. Hell yeah, and we all know that
friend. Oh, I miss him so much.

(01:31:15):
And it was an accident. Whoops.
Are you sure? He still owes me a case of
monster that he promised to bring to my wedding and he
showed up at my wedding with my cousin that I So I invited this
guy to my wedding, right? And he was a guy we worked with

(01:31:37):
at the hospital and he shows up to my wedding and I'm like, I
recognize that person. I didn't realize that she had
come in with him. I'm just like, that girl was not
invited. Because.
We hadn't talked to that side ofthe family in years because of
the lawsuit that was going on, and I didn't know how she felt

(01:31:58):
about everything, but I had no communication with her.
I'm like, how did she know I wasgetting married?
And so I pull her aside and she's like, yeah, we don't talk
to my dad anymore but like, it'smy second cousin.
Turns out he met her on like Tinder or something and brought
her to my wedding first. Date.
Fuck yeah dude, that's so smart because like, free.
Food. He left my wedding to go meet

(01:32:20):
another. Girl this dude had like the
craziest confidence I've ever seen.
What a champion. It was so I miss him.
Dude he was so fun. So me and Eric met Daryl
separately. You showed up at Daryl's house,
right? Who?

(01:32:42):
Oh yeah, you just showed up at like a party that was at.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so the we, we met him separately, yeah, through this
Mexican guy that we worked with because that you had gone to

(01:33:02):
that party because he was. There, right?
No, no, no, no. OK, I'm a.
Friend from college. How did we all know the Mexican
guy separately then? This is a cool yeah, you and I
knew him from work, but how did he know him?
Not you, the other guy. Did the other guy know?
Him. I don't think so.
Yeah, because he sent Daryl a video of a Snapchat.
Of him. I thought he sent that to you.

(01:33:24):
No, no the. Whole time I thought he sent it
to you. We need to unravel this web.
Yeah, there is some weird. Where did this man come from?
He's just like inserted and every He's haven't.
Seen him since my. Wedding, he's a CIA.
Agent that. Was sent to investigate you, did

(01:33:44):
he? Good.
Yeah. He got deported, bro.
Jesus. No.
Yeah. Oh man.
Yeah. So you watched porn with that
guy? So what happened was.
Wait, I remember you telling me.This.

(01:34:07):
Yeah. So he tells me we just made
plans to, like, hang out at his place.
Yeah. Right.
Oh, no, no, I remember why. I was going to teach him some
guitar. Yeah.
He wanted me to come over and teach him some stuff.
I've seen this one. So I get to the apartment
complex and I'm heading up to his room which is on the 2nd

(01:34:31):
floor. But he comes out of a room on
the 1st floor shirtless and. So.
I'm like, what? Are you banging your neighbor?
What are you doing? What's happening?
My downstairs neighbor. And he's like, no man, I'm like,
I'm house sitting for this guy right now, Come on in.

(01:34:54):
And I'm like. What's his name?
OK, so I go in and we're just inthis other guy's apartment.
That's like so disrespectful. He's like bring another man into
it. It's.
So weird So. We're hanging out and he's like,
yeah, dude, I'm hanging out withthis guy or I'm I'm house

(01:35:18):
sitting for this guy. I've never heard of somebody
house sitting an apartment that's I don't.
Know that's a strange. Concept were there.
Pets. Yeah, no, no pets.
What the fucks were there? Plants.
I don't think so. Were there fish tell me
something's happening? What was happening that was

(01:35:40):
important I. Don't I don't I don't know why
they that's a good question if there's.
No plants or pets. There's no reason to house it,
especially if you live upstairs.Who's who was house sitting
person? I just know that like he knew
the guy, you know, and they wereclose ish.

(01:36:02):
But this this guy was like in his 60s and he lived there with
his brother because he he had gotten divorced and he moved in
there with his brother. So they were living together in
that apartment, but they were away on some vacation or
something. I go on vacation with my brother
all the time. So they had him as.
A 60 year old man. They had.
My they're not even related, they're just sharing butts.

(01:36:25):
They're. That's a different kind of
brother, and it's not the black kind.
Either they're just. Butt Buddies.
They're they're penis brothers. They're.
Penis brothers. What are you doing docking?
Have to go recharge real quick. Oh.
Well, that's the story he gave me.

(01:36:45):
And so basically, yeah. So he told me about all that.
And then he was like, yeah, so check it out.
He's got like all this porn on here.
All this porn like shaved. He's like a Roku or something.
Yeah, so he goes into like something like that.
And so he goes through like all these like recordings the guy

(01:37:05):
had. And it's like skinny Max or.
Yeah, just, I don't know, like full, like full porn movies.
That's why he goes in and he's he's like, look, check it out.
Let's watch this one. It's like, all right.
And he's like, you want a beer or I'm like.

(01:37:26):
Fuck yeah, I guess. Like yeah, sure.
Why? Not so.
He just. Hands me a beer and like no, no
clothes are coming off at all. We're just well.
He already has half of his wardrobe off.
He just finished. We're just.
He. Had to go do a quick warm up
before his guitar lesson. We're just hanging out and we

(01:37:46):
just pour it on the on the TV and I'm like, is it like it?
It can't be like hardcore porn. It's probably just, you know,
softcore, Yeah, softcore porn parody.
Just going to make that kind of shit.
And then but it just, you know, it just straight up, it kept
going. It kept going.

(01:38:07):
And then like she pulled his Dick out and I was like, wow,
wow. Next thing you know, she's full
on blowing him. And I just look over it and
we're just kind of laughing at the situation.
And kisses me. Yeah.
And then like starts. Kissing my neck.
I looked over he's he's got a anerection in his pants and.

(01:38:30):
I'm. Like it's all right, shit
happens where I was being Bros. Then you reenacted the Mustafar
fight from Star Wars Episode 3. I have the high ground.
Don't do. It it's over, Anakin, you don't

(01:38:50):
know what power you don't want. To rest of my week come.
On my brother Anakin. I loved you.
Oh, my God, Eric. You turned her against me.

(01:39:12):
You've done that yourself. Allowed this dark Lord to twist.
You're not. Behind me, you're my enemy.
That one is pretty fucking funny.
Have you seen the the punk, the pop punk cover of that entire
scene? Yeah, he'll have to show you
that it's. Awesome.
It's like an AI music video. It's so good.

(01:39:35):
Oh yeah, and then the fucking the the action commentary, like
the sports commentary of it. That's.
Pretty good too. Yeah, we'll have a couple videos
to show you after this that involve all fully clothed men.
Yeah. They are trying to hit each
other with. Sticks but I just burped and it
smells like a dead mouse. I'm telling you, one of us is

(01:39:57):
going to vomit. That's what I'm saying to have
been trying to say this whole time.
Oh my God, that's awesome. I'm glad you're visiting us
again. Hopefully we have you back.
This has been fucking funny. What this?
Has been what is your What is your protest to not doing this?
What? Don't corner him, Russell, it's

(01:40:19):
just fucking rude. I can't really.
This is how this is how we knew that you had autism.
You just say socially inappropriate shit.
Yeah, it's. Like.
What do you want me to say? You smell weird.
You really want me to tell you on the podcast I think you're.
Pretty and I don't I just I'm not comfortable being friends.

(01:40:43):
Dude what if like adults just had that sober honesty of a four
year old? Why is your arm weird?
You smell funny. Yeah.
What if everyone else did too? Then the world would be a better
place. I don't know.
Anyway, glad you're you joined us again.

(01:41:06):
It's glad to have you with us. And ladies and gentlemen, take
care of yourself, take care of each other.
Love you guys love. You.

(01:41:46):
The.

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