#70 - The Dark Side of Success: The Mental Struggle Behind Entrepreneurship - Choose Hard with Cody McBroom

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
In this episode of the Choose Hard podcast, I have tailored
coaching methods director of coaching, Ariel d'ampert in the
studio with me to talk shop. She was here on a work retreat.
We had the whole staff come to the tailored coaching
headquarters and she asked me the hard questions that nobody
else is really willing to ask and many entrepreneurs aren't
willing to publicly answer. But I think it's very vital for

(00:23):
anybody who is chasing their dream, building a business,
running a staff is managing A-Team or anything around
leadership and entrepreneurship and business.
I think it's really important for them to hear this because
this is going to shed light on the good, the bad, and the ugly.
And although you might hear a lot of pain in my voice for some
of the answers you are going to listen to, you are also going to

(00:43):
learn why purpose in your life might not be possible without
experiencing some pain. Because through that pain is a
path that does lead to your purpose and success for what
you're chasing. I really, really enjoyed this
conversation. And as always, Ariel d'ampert.
She brings amazing, amazing questions and amazing
conversation and just an amazinghuman being to have a
conversation with. Some of the episodes I've done

(01:05):
with her in the past have been the most downloaded and most
popular episodes on this podcast, which says a lot.
So I think you're going to enjoythis one with the one and only
Ariel d'ampert. The greatest things in life all
start with a challenge. You must accept that everything
is hard. Before it gets easy.
Every, every, every, every, everything you want in life

(01:27):
begins with a hard path. Ariel is back on the podcast,
which you know what I thought about yesterday?
I was like, if there was anybodywho could make me cry on the
podcast, it'd be I know we just got done talked about how like,
it's probably impossible to makeme or Dennis cry.
It takes a lot. Now it's a mission now.

(01:47):
But like I was like, but at the same time, if you were able to,
you'd be crying at the same time.
I would be a mess. Are you getting everything?
I was like, I wonder if I won't cry on this podcast.
I think I've cried on all of them.
And you're pregnant now, A. Saab.
Super pregnant, so that'll that was is it weird to say you're
super pregnant? No, I mean, I don't think it's
weird. I don't take like a lot of

(02:08):
people, I was thinking about this.
So many people say to me, it's like, oh, how far along you are.
Like they don't. They just say I'm pregnant.
And I was like, I thought it wasimpolite to ask a woman if she's
pregnant. And I was like, I don't know.
I don't think I got asked as much with Gabby, but it would.
I had Gabby on COVID. Oh yeah.
So I wasn't out in public as much but it's like really

(02:28):
obvious. It's like clearly I'm pregnant.
Like just cause the rest of my body is relatively.
If you have to second guess the thought in your head, like I
think she don't ask. Don't ask, Yeah.
But if it's like. OK.
So clearly no one's second guessing.
I'm going to take it as that. Yeah, clearly you're pregnant.
And so, but I, I, I've caught myself saying you're super
pregnant to a couple of people before that.
I know, like, it's not like random people like hey you,

(02:50):
you're super pregnant. And the groceries are Costco.
Super pregnant lady. Thank you, but.
I've said that a couple times and I've thought about
afterwards. I'm like, is that appropriate to
say you're super pregnant? Because in their mind, they're
like, duh, I feel it. I know when people ask me,
they're like, how do you feel? I was like, I feel pregnant,
accurate, really pregnant. But.
OK, so today we're going to literally, let's say

(03:14):
figuratively speaking, pull questions out of a hat kind of
thing. A lot of them around like life
and entrepreneurship, I would say achievement balance, stuff
like that. Topics that I think are very
hard to just give a black and white answer on based on like we

(03:35):
were driving to the studio from the hotel and you kind of just
like spit them out to me real quick.
So based on what I heard, it's like these are questions you
can't really answer black and white.
I think that they're questions that a lot of people really
value the answers to and really value like raw opinions around.
So we'll try to just keep this very transparent and just be
honest about it because I don't think enough people share their

(03:57):
failures, share their like the hard lessons in life.
They don't share enough of like the emotions behind stuff while
also understanding, like we talked about earlier, not giving
in too much the emotions becauseat the end of the day, your
emotions aren't going to help you achieve results or or
success. So I'm excited about these.
I think there's going to be really good and you and I always
have these super deep good conversations that just like

(04:20):
that would be the downside if you worked here permanently,
like in in the HQ, if you didn'tlive in, you know, by Chicago,
like we'd be like just it's likethe water cooler conversations,
you know? The commentary we actually
worked again. Yeah, They would be like stoic
conversations throughout the daythat just all of a sudden you're
like, I got to get back to work,you know?
But let's let's just dive into it.

(04:41):
You can just fire away the firstone and we'll just see how many
of these we can get. Yeah, in the next hour or so.
It's like these card games are super popular and I picked some
cards out of like self reflection packs and like you
said, I think people really appreciate it because we'll
start with this one. Oh, and real quick, send me
after this the some of your likea three of your favorite card

(05:01):
games because then I can put them in the show notes for
people listening. They can go to Amazon, like buy
some of them because I think this this is a really useful
tool in obviously like marriage and family.
It's a useful tool. And like Ice Breakers, you
always bring them to the team retreats.
You use them for your coaching updates.
Like, yeah. They're great, yeah.
And they have different iterations, like they're one of
the companies that's called the and and it has like these like

(05:22):
those squiggly parentheses linesby it.
They have a long term relationship pack.
And so that's some really good questions, but we'll start off
with this one. Do you think it's possible to be
fully present and still deeply driven?
And how do you personally navigate the tension between the
two? You know, what's crazy about
this question is I literally wasjust listening to a podcast,

(05:45):
Nick Bears podcast, and he was interviewing a pastor and he
asked the pastor this cause the pastor's no longer a pastor.
He is now an entrepreneur. He still gives sermons sometimes
apparently. But like he asked this exact
question. I was literally mowing the lawn
yesterday. We talked before we left.
He was talking about this exact thing.
And I think that there's cause his example was good too just to

(06:06):
paint a picture of like being able to.
His idea was the type of people that are high achievers and
succeed a lot. They struggle to be present,
slow down, not worry about things.
So like you're at your daughter or son's birthday and you just
need to be in the moment, chill.But you got work on the back of
your mind. You, you have these things this
To Do List and you had an idea on the way there that you didn't

(06:28):
write down. So it's in the back of your
mind, which is why I constantly keep like journals and my
notepad on my phone ready 'causeI jot down several time.
But the that's harder for those people.
And then there's the people thatwe kind of envy, 'cause I'm one
of those people who can just chill and relax and they don't
seem like they have those worries.
But those people also aren't high achievers.

(06:49):
It's like usually they're that way in all areas of your life.
So I do think that it is one of the most difficult things to
accomplish, but I think that there is a way to
compartmentalize it, and that's the hard part.
So your question specifically 'cause it was a little bit
different than theirs. Say it again one more time.
I let me through here, it said. Do you think it's possible to be

(07:11):
fully present and still deeply driven, and how do you
personally navigate the tension between the two?
So I, I believe that discipline is the only way to navigate
through this because you have tocompartmentalize and separate
them. And I don't mean discipline like
just grind your teeth and get through it.
But this is the same thing with productivity.

(07:33):
People ask about this all the time.
Like, what are your productivityhacks?
And I'm like, my phone's on do not disturb.
I put it away. I close out all other windows.
I don't have 17 tabs open. Because whether you think you're
not looking at them or not, you're looking at them.
You know it. It's literally just the
discipline to not check your e-mail, not check your phone.
Like set rules and boundaries for yourself.

(07:53):
And I think you can accomplish it, but you have to be able to
set boundaries and then determine and define why those
matter to you and what the outcome is.
Because if your goal is I want to be more present, I want to be
more balanced. OK, well, how do you at the end
of the practice or thing you implement, say I'm more balanced

(08:14):
or I'm more present because it comes and goes.
It's never perfect. And it's, it's a very relative
goal. It's not a subjective thing you
can or objective that you can check off, you know?
So for me it's like, OK, set a rule for myself.
I don't check e-mail until noon because my time blocks are
interaction period from noon to 4:00 PM.
So I literally don't check e-mail.

(08:36):
And this has happened multiple times.
I get on a meeting with you or Bailey right at noon and you're
like, I sent you an e-mail aboutXYZ.
I'm like, I didn't see it yet. Why?
Because it's Monday and I haven't checked my e-mail
because as much as I want to seeif there's any fires are put out
or if anybody needs my help or anything, I'm going to get
sucked into whatever's there. So I have to remove it, you

(08:58):
know? And I think it's the same way in
life. It's like, so there's been times
where we're laying in bed and mymom or dad would call my phone
and Chena would look at me like,you gonna get that?
Nope. Why not?
Like, well, if God forbid, it's emergency, they'll call again.
But I'm laying in bed with you. My rule, I'm not going to answer
my phone to anybody after 8:00 PM.

(09:18):
Like it goes down at about 8:00 and now it's just me and you.
Like I have to hold that, you know, especially if I were to
expect that of her. Like I can't.
Yeah, I agree with you. I think that like this tension
between the two, which is something I don't know, I just
say I believe everything's a skill that we can learn to do
something I've focused so much on.
And I don't know if it's being amom that like I am more of like

(09:41):
Gabby's primary caretaker where I'm just like, I need to be
present for her, especially likehaving a daughter, like knowing
how much she looks up to me. Like I don't want to be on my
phone all the time, every time I'm in front of her.
Yet I would say I'm like very driven and I want to do these
things. And so I think it's a
combination of what you said with the discipline, the
boundaries and the values. And I heard the saying and it

(10:01):
really stuck with me. The amount that you can relax
and or disconnect is directly correlated to your ability to be
disciplined during the work hours.
And so like, you know, like I start my day really early and
it's like 5:00 and like, I'm up there.
Like I'm doing check insurance, we're doing, I'm working on
whatever it is we need to for the business.
TCM podcasting. Like I am there.
And when I'm in my office, I am locked in.

(10:23):
Like don't come in, don't come talk to me.
My cell phone's not in there. And my sister jokes she's like,
I feel like trying to get a holdof you is like getting a hold of
the president sometimes, like because I just won't answer.
And I'm very locked in because in the back of my mind, this is
directly correlated to how much I get to be present with Gabby.
And so when I'm radically invested in my work and I'm
there, then when I'm with her, Ican be present with her.

(10:46):
And I also think a big part of this is we all have this never
ending To Do List, but like the skill of being able to
prioritize. You have to know out of this
list of 30 things, what are today 5?
What are the five today? Because it does not matter if
you list down 8 things and then every day you're getting done
around 5:00. What are you going to?
You're going to go home and think about the three you didn't

(11:07):
do. And I think it's such a skill to
be like, no, I'm just going to do these 5 because it doesn't
matter how quote UN quote present.
I want to be, how much I value my daughter.
If I had eight things and I am someone who is driven and did
not get all 8 done, then I'm going to be thinking about how
can I get the oh, she's asleep. Let me get this e-mail in.
No, I'm going to do that. And so I think there's a
discipline and a skill to be able to prioritize and then

(11:30):
knowing that when I show up in this space, then I can show up
in the next. And I think when it comes to
that discipline, it's understanding is my lack of
discipline due to poor planning skills or prioritizing skills,
not being able to stay focused, getting distracted, getting put
in pulled in other directions. I think nailing that part of it
is what allows the duality to exist.

(11:52):
You. Can't be, you can't be present
later on if you're not disciplined now and you have to
connect those two. So I think it's 'cause it's the
same way with me. Like I wake up, I get stuff done
and I'm very hyper focused during the day because I want to
be able to get off at a certain time.
I want to be present when I get home.
And I know that I won't be. But I find that people don't
connect those dots enough. Even like not last night or the

(12:13):
night before I was putting Blakey down.
And so the night before she said, Dad, can you put me down
tomorrow for sleep? And I said yes, 'cause she's
really into like me telling her stories right now and she wants
to know stories of the Bible. It's really funny.
So like I'll tell her like different stories.
And then I ran out of ones I'd like memorized And I was like, I
need to read more and figure them out.
But I knew that. So I actually worked on the

(12:36):
treadmill a little bit more. Like I got my steps because
usually what I do is at night, Iwill, if Shannon put her down,
I'll go on a walk, get my steps in, finish up.
And so I'll put off, get my steps in throughout the day
because I know at the end that I'll do it at night.
But as soon as I made a promise,you know, and I get excited for
putting her to sleep, like because she's starting to get
into that, like to add on a season, you know, where she
really wants to be around. I'm cool now.

(12:59):
It's so great. And so I literally am way more
disciplined about it during the day, knowing there's an outcome
at the end of the day. That is important to me.
But if you don't like understandthose two things, you're never
you're never going to even like we were talking about the
dessert thing, right? Like the point of not eating
desserts for X amount of days wasn't that you weren't going to
eat desserts for those amount ofdays, period.

(13:21):
It's those amount of days in a row that is difficult, and
that's why it's like the consistency streak.
So if you set a goal and you don't understand why that goal
is important to you, what the traits you're going to develop
along the way are going to mean to you and how they're going to
apply in your life, you're nevergoing to be disciplined along
the way. So you have to, I don't know, I
think that everybody could just benefit.

(13:42):
Like the idea of discipline, just to be disciplined doesn't
work for most people unless you're Jocko, which is great.
I love Jocko, but he was a Navy SEAL.
It's like this is my life, so I'm not gonna die.
I'm gonna be disciplined and focused versus if I'm this way,
who will I become? What will I be to other people?
Like you've mentioned being in front of Gabby, right?

(14:03):
Like, what is me being present in front of Gabby mean?
What is she gonna think years from now?
How is she gonna look back? You know like and if you forward
think like that like. That increases motivation
because like motivate, when motivation is present,
discipline is not required. Discipline is not always
required. And so if you have a high like
discipline is when we have, we have, I'm using my hands to talk

(14:24):
about, but like your motivation is 1 level and then you have a
set plan, right? Discipline is that fills the gap
between motivation and your plan.
I'm motivated, cool. I'm following through on the
plan. I'm exceeding the plan.
If your motivation is low and you have your plan is higher
discipline needs to fill. I know that.
And I think that the more again,you have like that, why the

(14:44):
higher your motivation is, the less discipline you just need in
life. And when we're looking at
discipline, I really think of discipline as system structures
and routines. And I think this is where it did
help coming from like a teacher background where my job was to
manage 27 year olds and make sure that like it's funny, I
always joke with other teacher clients I have now and I'm like,
Oh, your special starts at 1232.Like, that's when, like lunch

(15:06):
starts at 8:37 and it's like these weird times, but like, you
had to make sure that you OK, kids are lined up.
OK. This is how we do this.
This is how we walk to the. I even, like, remember getting
on my hands and knees and like duct taping arrows because I
wanted traffic in my classroom to flow a certain way.
When you're managing 30 little humans in a small room, you have
to think about the structure. And so like my Google Calendar,

(15:27):
my meetings, the way that I'm atcertain places like you, when
Blakely said dad put me to bed, she forced a structure into your
life that was there. And so it's like, OK, and how
I'm going to stand up and. Well, that's why commitments and
responsibility is good. I'm not going to dive into this
too much because they can listento the podcast because it'll be
out by now. I did the science of
self-discipline and I covered a couple studies.

(15:48):
One study was showing that when individuals had a plan, it
actually required less discipline.
So it talked about automating discipline.
Really what it is is like you require less when you have a
structured plan. Structured plan gives you
belief, which is usually motivating because you're like,
I know this is going to work. I don't need to be as
disciplined. And then the other thing was
they used a specific if then structure.
So if blank, then blank. And it's like if I put Blakely

(16:12):
to bed, then I will walk in the morning.
It's a commitment that I can make and it guarantees success
that requires less discipline. And they studied like it was
like 8000 participants. It was a crazy huge study.
It was really cool. But it, it's wild, I think
people, even myself, I get in this and This is why
accountability is so good. Like when I have a coach in my
life and it's like just asking questions that forces you to

(16:34):
realize you don't have a articulate plan that you can
execute. Oh, no wonder I'm not checking
these boxes. It's like.
I think that's a huge thing, coaching, coaching, setting up
with a plan, coaching in itself.It's a structure and
accountability. You have a certain check in day
when you're taking photos, all of these things.
And I know we spent maybe a little bit longer on the this
question. I know, but I think this is so
on the forefront of a lot of people who listen like they're

(16:55):
my like the people who listen are driven.
They want to achieve goals. They're hard workers.
They're choosing hard. And that tension between valuing
my family, being present, enjoying the winds, being
satisfied, while also not wanting to lose the fire inside
of me and the drive and equally loving that part of me because I

(17:15):
think sometimes and I've had season this where I'm like, why
am I like this? Like, why am I so driven?
Like calm down, damper. And it's like, no, I love that
part of me. I just have to use it in the
correct way. And so like, I hope us both
sharing examples like gives people an outline of like, no,
you can have your balance. We want to call it harmony,
whatever alignment. I think it's alignment because
when we are like UN congruent, it doesn't feel good.

(17:38):
It doesn't feel good to say one thing into another.
It doesn't feel good to like, say I want to spend time with my
family, but grind super late andnever put your daughter to bed.
You want to do both. The people who are listening
want the and and I think this question the at least starting
the conversation around the tension between it is important.
So. Real quick.
And then we'll move in the next one.

(17:59):
This is not backed by science, but for me, like just thinking
about the question and going back to like, OK, personally,
what do I really do to do this? I, I try to gamify it a bit.
So I like talk in my head a little bit of like, well, can I
be a high achiever? Can I achieve this much today
and still go home and be present?
And it's like this, this, it's kind of like, would you rather
be successful or control or in control?

(18:20):
And I think it switches for me because there's sometimes where
the control for me is like my brain's trying to get me to be
unfocused on my family and focused on business stuff.
And if I can largely say that does not matter right now.
I like want to be in control, which is also being successful,
I guess, in that department. But just the idea of gamifying
of like, I'm going to be able tocheck these boxes and still, you

(18:41):
know, make it in the business stuff.
And then I think what you were saying too is a, it's a internal
level of integrity. And that's why it's important
for people to commit to there. They did actually a sales study
that showed individuals, if you ask an individual, is there
anything that will conflict withthis on your calendar when they
confirm a call time, they were significantly more likely to

(19:03):
show up for the call than if they didn't.
And it's because they said there's nothing that will
conflict with this. And so it's this internal
integrity with themselves. So I committed to this and I'm
acknowledging that. And now I don't want to be a
liar because I all see myself asa liar, which is pretty cool.
But that, again, it's just committing to things like
personally and publicly or verbally, it does so much more

(19:25):
than people realize. Just that extra confirmation.
Yeah, but it's a huge reason, probably why we will always have
coaches and invest in that. And like, both, it's not only
it's not only like practicing what you preach, but it's like,
I believe in it so much. Like my life is exponentially
better because of that. Yeah.
The next one. This is a good one.
What's something you're proud ofthat no one else sees?

(19:48):
This is probably the hardest one, I think, out of all those
ones you asked. Like you ran through them this
morning and I don't remember each one at this point because
that was hours ago, but that wasthe one that I was like.
That's why I asked it. I know I'm like, I don't know,
in general, I think I'm proud ofmyself at times for just not

(20:09):
quitting. Like I think that endurance.
Is the most difficult part aboutsuccess with anything the
ability to endure suffering in some way?
It's not like I'm, you know, being beat, but like, you get
the point, you know, figuratively speaking, my
ability to endure like that aspect of just never quitting

(20:33):
and truly believing that I won't.
Like, I don't think I would do it to the harm of myself or
others, obviously, but I think there's a level of success that
literally requires just not giving up because, like, we've
been through hard stuff. And whenever I talk to business
owners who are way more seasonedthan me, they like, chuckle.
They're like, oh, you're at thatstage.

(20:54):
And then you realize like, oh, fuck.
OK, so success is a lot of success is just being the type
of person that doesn't back downwhen things get hard, you know?
And I also think like part of that is, is in everything in
life. And so like, I think one thing
that I do really well that I'm proud of myself with this is
definitely something nobody seesis I truly, I think everybody

(21:18):
has an ego, but I truly feel like I'm in control of my ego.
Like I I genuinely know who I am, what's important to me,
where my values are AT. And although I don't like, I
don't all admit I I don't like the idea of people not liking
me. I want everybody.
Like me. But I would never sacrifice that

(21:41):
at the expense of people liking me.
And there's times in my life where I would like changing to
make sure people are happy with me and like me and accepting of
me. And I don't care about that as
much. And I'm proud of myself for
that, especially just given where I live in the state and
like how things can get crazy here.
And just like very extremist on certain ends, a lot of people
just fall in line and like, I haven't.

(22:02):
And I feel good about that. But that's also even like in my
marriage and stuff like not having an ego at all of like, I
don't care about apologizing if I am wrong or if I'm not wrong.
And I just know that it's the right thing to do, to work
towards what we all want most, you know?
And yeah, I don't know, do. You think you're proud of
yourself because you weren't always that way.

(22:24):
Probably, yeah. I mean, I definitely, I mean,
when I was young, I definitely had an ego and I was a feisty
one, but I also like, I've always been stubborn.
So I think that like there's a part of me that just has never
quit because of that, but I think there's times in the past
where I would disguise quitting with shifting my path, if that

(22:50):
makes sense. Like I'm not quitting, this is
just a better. No, it's not.
It's just like that got hard andso you went.
How do you know that? Like I guess how do you
distinguish between this is hardbecause I would agree like you
are very resilient. I was like, it's so funny.
Your answer is like I'm proud ofmyself for choosing hard like
thing resilient and doing that and I think it is choosing.
Hard was for me at first it was like, that is my thing because I

(23:12):
was like, I need to remind myself.
And then I used it to remind clients and then we all started
doing that. And then I was like, OK, I'm not
the only one that needs that reminder.
And I think it's so helpful and people like listening.
I think this is a big, another big tension point where it's
like, how do they know if they're like choosing hard or
continuing, like continuing to push on, or it's like, no, this
is like a bunch of red flags like you shouldn't.

(23:35):
Yeah, I think that this is where, I mean, the obvious
answer is if it's going to hurt you or your family, like, duh,
you know, like, don't you know, push yourself too far to where
it's like affecting the closest people to you or your life or
whatever. But I think that's an obvious
one. I think to me, looking back, I
think most of it is the most helpful thing for me is, is

(23:57):
coaching other people because I do mentor other people who are,
you know, a few years behind me,let's say, you know, or they're
where I was in a different industry or different area of
life. And I'm able to be that external
voice for them saying you got topush through like this is a hard
time, but this is going to make you this person.

(24:21):
And when you are able to do thatfor others, it allows you to sit
back to yourself and then do thesame a little bit easier 'cause
you can go, OK, remove my emotions.
If I was coaching one of my clients on this exact scenario,
what would I say? You know, what would I do?
And the accountability or the responsibility to be that type
of coach as well. Like that gives me the
accountability to be like, I need to do this because I am

(24:44):
setting an example and a standard for the people I work
with, the people who work for me.
My daughter, she's going to hearabout this and see like, I think
about this whole time in 10 years, is she going to listen to
this podcast? She might like have a completely
different understanding of what I did when she was 34567 because
she listens to it when she's 17,you know, which is crazy to

(25:06):
think about, but it's like, OK, what am I doing right now that
future Blakely would be able to listen to and it would help her
when she's moving into adulthood.
That's a. Great perspective.
Do you think that people, OK, solike entrepreneurs, other people
listening, whatever. Do you think that they don't
take a second to acknowledge howthey should be proud of
themselves enough? Like, do you think that's

(25:28):
something that maybe you like, you would like to do more of or
do you feel good about it? Because I also feel like this is
a battle that people go through is I'm scared if I stop and clap
for myself, I'll stop. It'll be like, I'll slow down.
Yeah, I say that I'm too proud of myself.
And so I know there's a tension there, but like, I think if I
were to ask that question to anyone, like, what are you proud

(25:48):
of yourself for? Remember when I did that last
year when I asked everyone, like, what are you proud of
yourself for? It It takes people a minute and
be like, I don't know. But if I were to ask you which
one of the other questions is, what do you fail at?
Like, I got 87 answers. Yeah.
And so I think, I don't know. Do you think it's something that
people should be intentional anddo more of, or they don't do
enough or what? I do, but I think they need to
be intentional about how they doit because I, I think that like

(26:11):
if we look at even just like thescience of dopamine and we
realize what truthfully, like, just to put it in simple terms,
like what actually creates fulfillment for people, It's the
process, It's not the outcome. And we all know that, you know,
cheesy saying, but it's really true.
And so if you are getting dopamine hits during the journey
and you're fulfilled and happy and, and everything is going

(26:32):
great, and then you celebrate and you get probably 1 big dump
of dopamine and then it drops off and you don't have the next
journey started yet or planned, You're going to be in a lull.
And sometimes people can get stuck in that lull for too long.
You know, this, this actually, I've, I've experienced this with
like events where I'll host an event here and there's a crowd

(26:53):
of people in front of me. It's in my facility.
And like, part of it is I'm human.
I get praise at that too. Like people are saying like this
place is so sick. And like, dude, this is so cool.
I'm so excited to be here. And you like, it's kind of like
a shock at first 'cause you're like, I'm just like a dude, this
is like my daily life. This is so weird.
And then you're speaking for twodays straight and people are
soaking it up and they're learning how to be better.
And it's so fulfilling. And then boom, it's done.

(27:16):
And you come into the office andit's empty again.
And you're just like, yeah, backto normal.
And it's this like drop off. And I've legitimately felt
depressed. It's actually helpful that I
understand what's going on in mybrain that I can go, OK, I know
what this is. But for me, This is why I like
the idea of like setting 90 day outcomes because I know what
like my ultimate goal in life is.

(27:36):
But then I can set 90 day goals for the quarter.
And as I'm finishing my quarterly outcomes, I'm already
setting the next ones because itjust goes right into the next
goal. So I can celebrate my wins in
each area of my life while also continuing this fulfilment
journey because I've never stopped working.
But it but in my, my past, when I've set goals, achieved them

(27:57):
and then I didn't have the next 90, I'm like, I'll just, I'll
take a break this quarter. It does not help.
It does not work, you know. Something really to point out
for everyone to like hear, just acknowledge in this is that even
when you were saying what you were proud of, everything that
you were proud of is process andcharacter oriented and
developed. You're like, I'm proud of my
endurance. I'm proud of my resilience.

(28:17):
I'm proud of how I'm showing up.You weren't like, I'm proud that
I built this company. I'm proud that I make X amount
of dollars. I'm proud that I have this.
It wasn't anything that was actually outcome based.
You're like, I'm proud that I can take my ego in the midst of
a challenging situation and kindof say like, okay, what's
actually my desire here? What's my, what's my values?
What do I want? I think that's huge for keeping

(28:39):
people going is celebrating the process, but it also speaks a
lot about your character and whyyou are where you are.
Because when we're asked like, what are you proud of?
It's not like, oh, this really cool podcast studio with all
these cameras and lights to likerecord.
It was like, no, that I've like continued to grow as a human.
So I think that one's like really cool.
I've learned a lot about like studying self respect, honestly,

(29:00):
as we started laying out the self formation process and just
just a simple thought of what doI respect in others?
Like like the reasons I admire others.
Never has a car emblem or a dollar sign on it.
I love cars. Like I'm jealous of Andy
Purcell's car collection, but more than anything I'm jealous.
Like, here's the thing, if I hadthat much money, that's not what

(29:22):
I would do with it. I'm jealous because he's so
obsessed with cars and he has like the fantasy of a little boy
who's obsessed with Hot Wheels in his yard.
Like it's a, it's a 2. Like it has like risers for
different muscle cars and stuff.It's freaking, it's so cool, but
it's also like talk about like growing up and literally like
having your cuz like, you know those, you'll know this soon,

(29:43):
boy. But they have like these like
things that you open up and it'sall these Hot Wheels and they're
like, and you hit the button andthe gates open, they come down
these slides. I used to have them when I was a
kid and it's like a garage full of Hot Wheels.
And he has that like, I'm not jealous that those cars probably
cost a few million. And I think, I assume all
together, you know, I'm jealous that like, he literally
fulfilled such a cool dream of his.

(30:04):
Yeah. You know he.
Gets to experience that like happiness and joy.
And I think that's important. It's like it's going to look
different where like maybe you take Blakely to Disney or
something and that level of joy you see from her living her best
life. Like Dennis, I talk about it
because sometimes Gabriel just like it's like the end of night
and I can tell she's tired and I'm like, she has the best life.
Like she just got to like have so much fun, hung out with her

(30:25):
friends. We went to the lake and she's
like just like, and I think thatlevel of fulfilment and it can
be different and it's like, you know, he's doing it with his
cars and I think it's really cool.
I think this kind of goes into one of the other questions.
What's something you used to chase that no longer holds
value? And like what's shifted?
Maybe what caused it? I mean, there could be a couple
of different ways to segue that,but like, is there something you

(30:48):
used to chase that no longer is important to you?
Let's. Move the mic up a little bit
closer. I just want to make sure that my
voice isn't overpowering. That's tough.
I mean, like, the easy answer ismoney.
Yeah. Sometimes, though, that mic is
heavy. I don't know if it's.
Got it. Yeah, I think I'll move closer.

(31:09):
There you go. Obvious answer is money.
And this is where I think too. Like, even me knowing what I'm
most proud of, I think you have to chase.
You know, pride is an interesting word.
Yeah. Because having pride for
something is great. Being prideful about something
is terrible, you know, like the Bible talks about all the time.

(31:32):
It frowns upon prideful people. Like do not be prideful, you
know? And then it's like, we should
have pride for you. And it's like, what does this
mean? And I think being proud, it's
about what you're proud of ultimately.
And I think that's where it's like the internal aspect.
But being prideful means that you are probably chasing the
wrong things. You're boasting.

(31:53):
And I think that you have to chase those things.
Realize that that's not filling you and you're not proud of
yourself for it like you thoughtyou would be or, you know, like
you get there and you're like what you actually reflect on
like man, remember this. And it's like when you were
grinding and you didn't, you know.
So I think that it's the kind ofthe same way with what I.

(32:15):
The question is what I? Chased.
Yeah. What do you chase that no
longer. And I, I agree that I think a
lot of, I think there's certain things like that that are the
unteachable lessons. And I'll tell us the clients
too, where like, you know, they're going and I'm like, this
is an unteachable because they're, because they'll say a
client will say like, I don't know, do you think I could weigh
this much? Do you think I would weigh this
much? Do you think I would like it?
I mean, I kind of want ABS, but I don't really know.

(32:37):
And I'm like, it's an unteachable lesson.
You have to get there. And I was like, let's get there.
Because then when you get there,there's a vast difference
between questioning if it's possible for you and electively
deciding it's something you no longer want because, you know,
you could have the money, the cars or whatever it is.
But it's like, I don't value do it as much because I started
going down that road or I experienced having it and the

(32:59):
fulfillment wasn't there. Yeah.
And so it's one of those experiential things, I think.
Yeah, and I think that's it. Like I've, I've chased, I've
chased money and it was empty. I think that I like nice things
and I'm totally fine admitting that.
But it's it's random things, youknow, it's not, I don't know,

(33:20):
like like the the setup. This matters so much to me.
Like me and channel will talk about like what we like, you
know, dream about what we want. And it's always like the podcast
studio getting doper and better and like, you know, like.
OK, this question, this this is a good question.
That kind of goes you won. It's something like if you won
the lottery but didn't tell anyone, how would they know?

(33:43):
Like what would you spend money on that?
Like people like you'd be like, what?
He's just like spending money onthis.
Like I would have an in home masseuse.
I would have someone who like was just this stuffing all the
time. Yeah.
I mean a couple of other things,but that's a way to.
Think I'd have a really sick podcast studio for sure.
Yeah, if you lived around here, you'd see a bunch of billboards
for the podcast. Billboards don't work nearly as

(34:05):
well as they used to, from what I've heard marketing wise.
But I would just have like choose hard billboards
everywhere. Honestly.
What I would like, literally what I would do is I would, I
would get on the board of some of the cities around here.
I would put massive American flags on some of the main roads
because when they're blowing in the wind, they just look
beautiful. And you only see them when
you're driving over the mountains and stuff because

(34:26):
those freeways are so big. There's one in downtown Tacoma
off the freeway, but there's like a couple roundabouts that
have this perfect like mound. I was like, that would be
perfect. So I would put those out.
I would put choose hard billboards everywhere, more so
as like reminders, not like for the podcast.
Maybe I have AQR code for the podcast, but it would be like,
don't forget choose hard. Like I want to make like tokens
or something that we can give people.

(34:47):
So it's like a little thing on your key chain that you see or
something like a money clip. So every time you do it, you see
the choose hard and it's like, maybe I won't spend the money or
whatever, but. A plate, A utensil set.
I would do. I would literally spend a lot of
money on getting the reminder oftruth hard out there.
I think that would be so impactful to so many people.
But yeah, and I think that like,ultimately what I used to chase

(35:10):
was more of, I would say clout in the industry and success.
And the more of both of those things I achieved, like success,
monetary money, the more of those things I got, the more I
was like, I don't really love social media.
I don't really love being a big crowds or around people.
Like I really like to keep my circle tight and small and
trustworthy. And like the people in the

(35:31):
industry who I'm seeking approval from, nobody in my near
close life even knows who they are 'cause if they're not in the
industry, they're like, who's that?
Like, why does that matter? And you're like, oh wait, I'm in
my small bubble. And so like I've learned that
those things just don't really fill that like missing part.
Like I always say, like, you know, fill the hole.
People will say you have a God size hole in your heart.
And I think that's kind of what I learned with chasing that and

(35:54):
then finding more of my faith. And my faith opened me up to
like what really matters and what I care about.
And it's community. It's impacting people.
And sometimes that has nothing to do with money whatsoever.
You know, sometimes it's me helping somebody at the grocery
store or me paying for somebody's Starbucks or picking
up some garbage for somebody. Like literally the simplest

(36:15):
tasks. You know, I sent like some care
packages to a bunch of like law enforcement officers with like a
choose hard shirt, choose hard hat, like a note just saying
like basically like you're the definition of choosing hard.
Thanks for keeping us safe. Like the text messages I got
back from some of those guys that are not emotional people
whatsoever. They're like the the kind of
people I'm like, bro, you need to lighten up.
Like, you know, loosen up. Like I was like, whoa, this like

(36:38):
really meant a lot. And I mean, it cost me money.
I had to pay for shipping and stuff, but like that made such
an impact. Like that stuff's so much
better. Nobody ever, I don't know,
nobody's like, I mean, here's a good example.
I had a different car every year.
Every year I would get a new carfor like 6 or 7 years straight.
Me and my neighbor were talking about this.
He's like, I've had this Kia, He, he makes great money.

(36:59):
He's like, I've had this Kia forshoot 13 years now trying to
convince my wife to get rid of her Nissan and she's had that
for 17. I was like, what?
He was like, yeah, what's as long as you've got a car?
I was like, man, I don't want toanswer that question.
Every year after high school, once I started buying my own
vehicles, I would get a new car every year.
I'd get a car, soup it up. After a year of driving it, I

(37:21):
would sell it, get a new one. And then it wasn't until my
truck that I was like, I'm up high.
These seats are comfy. Like it's got good system
speakers. Like I love listening to music
when I'm driving. This is perfect.
Yeah. I think that gratitude and
sitting in that moment and experiencing it and then like

(37:42):
what, what, What is it? I think there's a point where
people start to question like, what is it that I'm looking for
on the other side of this dollarbill, this new car, the six
pack. What is it that I'm hoping?
Is there a way that I can have it right now with where I'm at?
And that brings a lot of that like peace almost circling back
to that initial question that wehad.
OK, here's another one. Can you think of a time in your

(38:03):
life when you felt like you failed, and how did that
experience shape the kind of leader you are today?
Yeah, this one is hard because I've failed so many times.
Do you see it as a failure? Do you look back and think like
I failed? I think that's what allows me to
fail over and over again. Yeah, Is that I don't see them
as failures. I'm very much like, oh shit, OK,

(38:25):
let's not do that again. Yeah, yeah.
And it, I think if you can remove, and this is what helps
too, is like if you remove what other people think about you and
realize like the people who, because there are certain
people, you should care what they think about you because
what they think of you and who you are is a direct reflection
of the person you show up as. I think that's important to

(38:47):
understand. But those people don't judge
you. The people who like matter, like
their opinions of me matter because they, they know me
enough that if they think this of me, it's because I'm really
that way. And if it's not how I want to
be, then I need to change. But anybody else, it doesn't
matter. So those people who actually
matter, they're never going to judge you for failing.

(39:07):
They're going to like encourage you to keep going.
And when you really understand that and you realize, like, it
really doesn't matter, like, youknow, there was that.
There's that one quote I shared on my story not too long ago.
If it's not going to matter in five years, don't spend more
than 5 minutes on it. I see that as a lot with
failures because the only thing that's really matters inside of
the failure is how I'm going to do it next time better, you

(39:28):
know? And so it won't matter in five
years outside of what I did differently, which is the next
situation, not this current situation that I failed in.
So it's, it's actually hard for me to say which failure 'cause I
can think of, I mean, I can think of a few that like pop up
my head and like I told you this, like total transparency,
wrong hires, like as a business owner, you're going to do that.

(39:50):
So there's never a point where Iwas like, I'm such an idiot.
I fucked everything up. It's like, I'm just like, you
know what, I remember that sign,like I should have probably paid
closer attention to that. Like that was a sign that this
probably isn't a good team for that person.
Next time I'm going to recognizethat sign quicker.
You know, also people, I've had certain people, you're one of

(40:13):
them in my life who have pointedout signs and I've been like,
Nah, like not even just for the wrong team, but like just for
situations in life in general. Like I remember multiple
situations actually you've done this and my wife has done this
more than anybody. And I would say for guys
listening. We do talk about it.
We're like, we both told them it's fine.
Yeah. Like guys, you have terrible

(40:36):
instincts. Like I think that you have great
instincts from a standpoint of you should.
And if you don't, you need to train yourself to have good
instincts of a protective naturein an ambitious nature.
Like we're, we're really good attaking risks and stuff like
that. So sometimes risk assessment is
actually not our Forte. And that's actually a good thing
because it allows us to succeed more.

(40:58):
But have at least just a, you know, two or three women in your
life who know you well enough that can point things out for
you that you are too gullible and ignorant to see.
And you probably give everybody and everything the benefit of
the doubt too much. I think there's like a woman's
intuition, right, Which is different.
And we've talked about that withlike differences with males and

(41:20):
females and just like men being much more like logical.
Like, you know, I bring dentist something to dentist.
He's like, OK, so do you want option A or option B?
Do you want me to fix it here? Do you need me to OK, so like
tell me exactly. Like I can tell you the steps.
And it's like, no, it's just something I know something like
something just is off or like myit's just like feeling.
And he's like, so do you want tolike, OK, Like, it's like, OK.

(41:41):
This isn't spider man Spider sense is like I.
Know or like sometimes this evencauses disagreements where he
was like, well, I wish you wouldhave told me this sooner and I
was like, I didn't know like it just kind of comes up and I
think women do with just with our emotions being higher that
part of our brain being larger. There is this intuitive sense or
knowing. And so I think that's part of
it. I also think that with all

(42:02):
entrepreneurs and you specifically, you know, when
people be like, oh, it's cliche,but your biggest strength is
your biggest weakness or just something that can go both ways.
Like we were talking about people that are listening to
this podcast, right? Just like they probably have
more dopaminergically sensitive brain.
You're probably listening, you're someone, you're listening
to a self development podcast. You're listening to people
talking about living above average lives, about doing all

(42:25):
these things, accomplishing goals, being an entrepreneur,
you want to set goals, you want to accomplish them.
You are driven, you do set big audacious things and that's
beautiful. And I think there's a part you
need to love that side of you because the only reason you're
listening to it as an entrepreneur, as someone who
wants to do more, is because your brain is set up in that way
and you've nurtured it. You have people around you, All

(42:46):
the things we've talked about. The other side of that token is
you also have to know when it's enough you and in all areas.
And This is why we foundationally talk about
self-control and self-disciplinebecause something that we've
struggled with where it's like, how do you know enough is
enough? How do you know that it's not
success anymore? Like how do you you chase the
wrong things to understand that you have a little bit extra
wine, you take 2 seconds. Is there like people?

(43:08):
And I think that's really hard for people.
Like I work with women and they're like, I'm really
successful as a mom. I'm great at work.
Why can't I follow this diet? And I'm like, it's understanding
you have that drive stronger than Susie Q next to you who is
content doing nothing. Like she's just chill.
She doesn't have the same urges to get more like you do.
So just like you put in more work and effort on this side,

(43:29):
it's just putting in more and more work and effort.
And I think getting a coach, working with someone, whatever
it is, it's not a weakness. It's you understanding who you
are, having that wisdom and thenbeing like, oh, OK, I know
myself and I know I need a boundary here.
Well, and again, those people need to put the necessity of
their goal to the forefront of their mind because I have a job
and I'm a high performer, I am amom and I'm great at doing it.

(43:52):
OK, Those are literally you haveto do those things.
Like you literally have to. You don't have to lose 20 lbs,
but if you treat it if you have to, you'll make that shit happen
because you will make it a necessity and you are a high
performer when necessities are in front of you.
You're just downplaying that because you have these other
things. Just make it a priority and
connect the dots. You will perform better at work
in less time each day and you will be a better mom every day

(44:14):
if you are in great shape and you're happy with your body.
I guarantee because you'll neverhave an ounce of resentment in
the back of your head of I don'thave time to work on me because
of my job or because of my kids.Which whether any mom admits it
or not, that will be in the backof your mind.
You know, unspoken. What is that word?
Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.
So good because there's so many things that like, I expect to be

(44:38):
able to do this or like I expectyou to give me more time or
whatever it is. It's like you're not if you're
not speaking that out or making it spoken out to yourself, like
clearly articulating what you want and what you need.
You can't expect it from others and from yourself really.
Yeah, I think it's like, let's, there's a caveat with this.
I think we need to, you know, how people will reframe and say,

(45:01):
it's not that I have to, it's that I get to, I understand why
you're doing this. But if you have this
prerequisite skill, which is like we talked about, like
prioritizing and like understanding bandwidth and
time, and you are a high performer and achiever and you
put a list like, I think the, the where this turns into
something that's negative is people who are high performers

(45:23):
or higher achievers make a list of 20 things when you have time
for 10. And then they feel this
pressure, they're dysregulated, they're unease, they're anxious,
they're overwhelmed. Like I can't get all the sudden,
you know what? I have to reframe it.
It's not that I have to, it's that I get to because if not,
they'll crash and burn. OK, No, no, learn the skill,
prioritize, put five things on your list and then you have to
get them done. For example, like even if I'm
just saying like we're recordingvideos for like some content and

(45:46):
I'm like, OK, I have 9 and 14 done.
I was like, I have to get 5 donemore done before I leave.
Like I have to get them done before I leave.
I could say like, oh, I get to, no, I have to do it.
I have to figure out between nowand Sunday when I'm going to get
those done. But I also understand that it's
possible for me to record 5 morevideos.
One thing I learned about that too from one of my mentors who
was a Navy SEAL is they he, he teaches time frame orientation.

(46:08):
And I realized how bad I was at this.
It'll take me about this long todo.
I'll be home at this time. Never write.
And it was like, OK, you're terrible at time frame
orientation. Part of it is not paying
attention while you're doing thething to see how much time it
takes. Part of it is not auditing your
time every once in awhile, whichI do every quarter and I highly
recommend everybody does. But also sometimes it's just not

(46:28):
even attempting it. You just make a list and you
start going because you're ambitious and it's like, how
about you make a list and then go, I will do this at this time.
It's going to take me this long.If it takes me longer, I'm
stopping right then and moving to the next thing or the next
thing is not that important and I will continue working on it
and scratch that off my list. But until you define that you're
going to get to the end of the day and not finish everything,
you're going to feel like failure.
Yeah. I think this is where it is

(46:51):
really helpful to have someone guiding you when it comes to
systems and structures. And you know, like we've talked
about this, we're like, I have like I even put on my calendar
like, hey, I'm going to eat likefor that's like 15 minutes, make
sure that I can get this in. And then I put certain anchors
in my day that are like benchmarks, like that's a live
meeting. So like when I'm, when you and I
meet like I'm like, OK, I have from this.

(47:11):
And then once I meet with Cody, I have to have all of this stuff
done and then it's like I can't keep going because we're meeting
live. It's.
Just like the responsibility of me putting Blakely down for bed
at night, it's something in my calendar that involves somebody
else that I care about or I havea responsibility and I'm not
just showing up for myself. So it's like I have to do these
things before then. It creates a it's ultimate, it's

(47:32):
accountability. People fail like they, they try
to avoid this so much, especially guys, honestly, like
I can speak especially to men. And we see that in the coaching
industry. Every coaching company you talk
to, they have more women that sign up for finish coaching than
men. And we've seen a a big surge of
more men doing it. And hopefully it's partially
because I'm saying this so oftenof like, guys need coaches too,
like stop and ask for directionswhile you're driving.

(47:55):
Don't be the dad. That's like, I know how to get
there. I'm not gonna stop.
You know, that old school, traditional, like stereotypical
thing. But it's true, you know?
OK. Next question.
What's the hardest part of business that doesn't get talked
about but should? Gosh.
It's hard to pick one honestly. I think there's so many hard

(48:19):
aspects. OK, I can think of like 1 I want
to say is like the family aspect.
I think there there's just a there's a lot that ends up
especially emotionally. I would say like that gets put
on to Shannon, my wife that doesn't get seen because it's
like, and and that kind of leadsme to what I think is the

(48:40):
hardest part in general. I think that it's for the most
part in like you and I have, youknow, developed a good
relationship as you became director of coaching and we
started having more mean stuff. So you I think you get filled in
on a bit more because you act asa support system that like kind
of anchors between or it's like a pillar between me and the team

(49:01):
in a way. But I think that for a long time
and still to an extent, because there's always a part of you
that and I think it's justifiable, shouldn't or feels
like you shouldn't expose your feelings or what you're thinking
or what's fully going on at all times.
You know, and I think part of that is good because going back

(49:22):
to the whole failure thing, I think that if you are a
successful entrepreneur, you have whether it's a gift or a
skill, you have an ability to see failures as lessons.
You have an ability to have someequanimity where you can kind of
stay calm no matter what's goingon.
And not everybody has that. So if you put everything out on

(49:43):
the table, it can, you know, start a fire or, or start
causing panic or anything like that when it's not necessary,
you know, especially when it's not necessary because some
things might not even be a big deal, but you don't know how
people are going to perceive it because they're not used to.
You know, everybody handles stress differently.
And the more stress you handle, the more capacity you have to
handle that stress. So I think that one of the hard

(50:03):
parts is though, is that you do have like this mental and
emotional baggage that does pileup because your outlets to, I
don't even know what the word would be express that I guess is
very limited. You know, most of it does fall

(50:24):
on the family, you know, and whether that's because things
are going on, you're distracted and so you're not there for
them, which I feel like I've gotten so much better at over
the last couple years. Just your experience of being an
entrepreneur. But the other part is, is like,
just like somebody who is on staff might not have the skill
and the gift of handling the type of stress that's going on,

(50:47):
even if it is not a huge deal, Isee it as a lesson or like this
is going to work out. It's not a big deal.
This happened before. They don't know what's happened
before. They don't know the lesson.
They, you know, they don't have the experience.
Well, what makes my wife any different?
But she's going to hear it anyway because I got to talk to
somebody, you know? And so like, I know that's
that's something that like me and she didn't have had to work

(51:08):
through because it's like, how was your day?
And it's like, today was the day.
And I like say all stuff. And then for me, I'm like, I
felt good. And I know tomorrow I'm going to
wake up, work my ass off and everything's going to be fine.
But she don't know that. So in the back of her mind she
could be like, holy shit, are weOK?
And like there was, I remember atime, this is a while ago where
she literally was like, hey, like we never really finished

(51:29):
that conversation. Like, is everything going to be
fine? Like do we need to change
anything? I was like, what?
No, what are you talking about? Why?
She's like all the stuff you talked about with the business
stuff. And I'm like, Oh yeah, totally
fine. I got to know exactly what I'm
going to do. Everything's good.
Like, so I'm working on it rightnow and I'm like, totally fine
now. And it's like, no big deal.

(51:49):
Made a few sales. I'm good, I'm sorry.
Like everything's fine. And she's like, what the fuck?
Like are you? And I'm like, my bad.
Like I didn't finish the conversation really.
I was just kind of telling you how I felt in the moment.
I wasn't actually, because I'm not breaking out a spreadsheet
and showing you here's the factsas to why this is actually
totally fine. I'm just irritated.
But here's like the trend, here's what's good.

(52:11):
Here's you know what I mean? Like that stuff stays in the
office, the emotions get broughthome.
And I think that's a part that people don't fully understand.
That's a really good one to say because like it's so basically
that hardest part is like discerning what and who you can
process certain emotions to because your emotions have to be
processed in some way, shape or form.

(52:32):
And like just maybe it's just tovent, to talk it out, to have it
is. But when you are the
entrepreneur, the like the you make the money, you're the CEO,
you do all of that. When you process that with
people in your life, they're generally affected by it.
Where she's like, wait, do we need to make a change?
If we say to employees like, am I fired or like, are we going,

(52:53):
what is what's happening? And it's like, no, I'm just
processing it. And so the number of people that
you can process to gets even smaller because someone else's
ability to handle that. That's why a lot of
entrepreneurs get therapists andit's also why it's really,
really important for entrepreneurs to have coaches or
mentors because like this, and this is so there's a, there was
a period of time where I didn't have any of that.

(53:14):
And that was a really hard pointtoo.
I've been to therapy, but I, I haven't been in a long time and
I didn't have a coach, but it really like, I, I really sat
back and thought about it at onepoint.
It was like, I don't want to tell everything to my wife
because if I do, I need to, I need to be able to like sit with
it for a little bit so I can sayit in the right way so that she
can understand what's like. And that means the good and the

(53:37):
bad, too. Like, because I celebrate every
win. I'm pumped about everything.
So it's like, I can't like, havethese huge waves of emotions all
the time. The people I talk to most work
for me, so they rely on me. My wife relies on me to support
her and provide her as well. And there's nobody else.
It's like that. Like, I literally don't.

(53:58):
And then it's like, OK, I have some really close friends, you
know, that I can call and talk to.
But truthfully, there's only been one time I really like
maybe twice in my life. One had nothing to do with
business either that I've reallylike, laid it all out for Cody
Smith 'cause he's probably my closest friend.
Because what ends up happening is like you, you get on a call
or you hang out with them and you're like, I don't want to put

(54:19):
this on their shoulders. They it's a business too.
He's got a family. Like, I don't want him to worry
about me. And so you just end up keeping
it, you know? And it's like, even though what
he would say to me and what I would say to him too.
And that same situation is like,bro, like I'm here like, it's
fine. We don't listen, you know?
So it's like you almost have to have a forced support system,
which would be a therapist or a mentor coach, you know, like.

(54:40):
We talked about that in the realm of coaching where like our
clients will tell us these heavier things, right?
And I always say like, they're like, oh, I'm sorry.
I don't mean I'm like, where else are you going to do this?
I want you to like cry on one word calling.
I want you to process it with me.
I want like, that's exactly whatI'm here for in they like feel
that same way where it's like, Idon't know if I really want to
tell my husband this and like bring it.

(55:01):
And then then he's gonna ask me follow up questions or whatever
it is. Like I just would like a safe
container to say this and, and like to different degrees,
right, Like with coaching, that is it.
And I think the nuance of like, you know, they're our coaches,
therapist, whatever it is. Well, like coaches hold safe
space for emotions, right? Like that is what we can do and

(55:22):
give our perspective. You can't see the, I was like,
say you can't see the label frominside the jar.
So just giving someone a different perspective.
But what if we looked at it likethis?
And that has brought so much relief to so many of my clients.
And like, This is why, you know,so many of them were like
celebrating 345 years together. It's like I need this space.
I need this space where I can come every week and just, you

(55:43):
know, type it out, say it out, whatever it is in process and
know that everything's going to be OK.
Because sometimes, you know, they'll write like a paragraph
or down their check. And it's like, that's what I
needed. And I think that's important for
everyone to hear. Like you can't keep all of that
aside because, well. If you think about it too, it's
when when you're trying to like process, like if you're keeping

(56:04):
it to yourself, a lot of times it just stays in this bubble of
like frustration and anger. Yeah.
And it's not until you start typing, journaling, writing.
So if you're by yourself, you could at least journal it or
speak it out. Because once you start talking
through it, that's when you go, well, here's what happened.
And I'm frustrated because of this.
And I feel this way, but that could be interpreted by this

(56:26):
person this way. And like, these are just my
feelings. They're not facts.
Like they don't know. And there's so many times where,
like me and Shannon, the way we word things are different now.
So like, like you made me feel this way is not an applicable
statement because no, I didn't. You felt that way based on what
I said. I didn't mean for you to feel
that way. There's nothing to do with it.
So but if she says what you saidmade me feel this way, I have to

(56:50):
give her all the credit in the world.
I can't determine how you feel. I can't tell you the way my tone
of voice sounded, even if I'm like, this is just the tone of
my voice. If it sounded like I was being a
Dick and you felt hurt by it, I can't tell you wrong.
That's a feeling. And that's OK.
So now I can approach it from like, well, man, like I would
never want you to feel that way.I'm sorry I did.

(57:12):
But that would never be what I want.
And then she's not hearing me say I didn't do that.
She's saying, well, like, I can't tell you that you wouldn't
want to make me feel that way. And I actually believe that you
don't want me to feel that way whether you did or not, you
know? So I think like as you start
wording things out, it's just this so much like it, it really
helps people unravel everything that's going on.

(57:34):
And if it just stays inside, youdon't actually get to unravel
it. You know, it's why those check
insurance are so important is because they ask questions and
questions and questions and thenas you answer them, sometimes
you answer your own questions and you figure out the solution.
And you just won't need somebodywho's on the outside of the jar
to say that is exactly how you should handle it.
And then you have confirmation and you can improve, you know?

(57:57):
That communication is really important.
I think it's like, why as a team, we like study
communication so much and we have because it is such a skill
not only for us to like, for that, for us to be able to
communicate with our clients, for them to be able to
communicate with us, for us to give and provide you skills on
being able to process. Like I've talked to my clients,
I'm like, sometimes we need to have a temper tantrum.
If you're feeling a lot of emotion and you're frustrated

(58:17):
and things aren't going your way, go into your car, close it,
make sure everyone around you like and just scream and just
yell or like get voice note in your phone and be like this.
And no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And go off.
Just go off to whatever you wantto say.
And it's so funny because so many times they'll tell me them
like I feel so much better. Like that same exact thing.
Like one of my girls has said she was like driving to the

(58:37):
store and she goes the whole time I just cursed someone out.
I was just telling them how mad I was.
She goes, I was the happiest person in the grocery store.
Just that is. Fine, Totally fine.
Yeah. I was in a a men's coaching
group years ago and they, I can't remember what the I was
telling you about, like the automated journal.
Yeah, it started with a piece ofpaper years and years, years
ago, but that's literally what it was.

(58:58):
We called it doing the work, butyou literally filed this thing
and it's like blank. So insert person is blank
whatever you need and made me feel blank because they blank
right. And it takes you through this
process and you could be like soand so is a effing, you know,
and you just go off and then it makes you reverse statements.
So it's like Cody is a blank. And then like, it's so like

(59:23):
masterful how it does it. And you realize that almost
every anger point you have is hypocritical because you've done
it before too. And it removes the judgement
towards the person. Judge your neighbor.
That's what. Yeah.
And so like, it's literally likeyou're judging them and it's
like, it's OK to judge them. Get it out there on paper.
Now let's flip the script. And it's like, well, I can't
judge somebody that I'm doing the same thing.

(59:44):
At times. I've done that.
I've made them say, you know, it's really powerful.
But anyway, going back to the whole point, I think it's the
hard part about it all. Maybe I should start doing the
judge your neighbor worksheet again.
Is is not having that outlet. It's actually really helpful
just coaching the guys I coach that do like the higher end
coaching with me that I get to go on these live calls with

(01:00:06):
because when they're going through situations I can now I'm
the guy that kind of smiles and goes.
I've been there. You're in that season of
business, are you? I get it, dude.
Yeah, it's OK. And then like, I can tell them
stories of my life. And now I can see those
situations as those lessons evenmore than I did before.

(01:00:28):
Because sometimes you learn lessons from failures, you know?
And you're like, I don't know what God's trying to teach me
with this, but I know it's something.
So I'm just going to keep, you know, gritting and just getting
through it. And I know the lesson will come
to me. And sometimes as I'm coaching
people now, it clicks with me and I'm like, this happened
years ago and here's why it shaped me differently and I
didn't even realize it until I'mteaching somebody else.

(01:00:50):
Yeah, I think it's understanding.
It's like we talked about this, the difference between
reflection and rumination, and it's like I'm going to reflect.
Is there a lesson that I learned?
No. Then I'm going to move on.
And I trust that like the reasonthat I went through that
hardship got to provide a light with later on.
Our pastor was talking about this on Sunday.
Define rumination real quick because like.
Ruminate like you just keep circling through the same

(01:01:11):
thought and you just like keep going over and over and over
again. And so you're like, why did this
happen? Why did this happen?
Why? And it's like you're trying to
figure it out, but you can't make sense of it.
It's like, let it go. If you can't pull a lesson out,
let it go and it might come to you later.
Our service last week was about prayer.
And it's like God will always answer our prayers.
It just might not look like the order you made.

(01:01:31):
And so you might. She said, you know, she, you
know, they talked on the whole thing.
But one specific story was she had prayed for her older two
boys. She has two older boys and then
a decent gap and then a son withDown syndrome.
And she said, I always prayed for my older two boys to be
compassionate, to be kind, to look into a room and see like
who might need help and be so supportive.

(01:01:54):
She's like, I wanted to them to be strong men, but also really
respect, honor and love and havethat element to them and not be
so hard. And then God answered my prayer
with Paxton, her youngest boy who has Down syndrome.
And she goes, at the time I was upset because I was like, no, I
prayed for a healthy son. And this is not like, this is
not what you gave me just. But he was answering that

(01:02:15):
prayer. And she goes, because now I look
at my boys who are grown and oneof them is married and they're
older on in life. And she's like, they are so
kind. They are so compassionate, they
are so loving and they understand.
And the way they play with my younger son is like, everything
I could have ever wanted. And I think sometimes hearing
stories like that where it's like, you know, like, I don't
know it. I don't know what the lesson is.

(01:02:37):
I don't know why this happened. That's OK.
I have faith. And this is where whatever it is
you choose to believe, like faith is so important.
And to whatever degree of like, there was a reason.
And maybe I'll find it out in 20years.
Maybe I'll figure it out in 10 years.
Yeah, well, and it's what is thething training you for?
If you look at it from that lens, it's like Morgan Freeman
and Bruce Almighty. Such a good.

(01:02:58):
Clip yeah. He's like, you think if they
prayed for a strong family they would make God would just make
them feel all warm and cozy inside.
Yeah. Or would you give them something
to come together and be strong for And it's like.
That was it. That's it, you know, it's
called, there's a good book called Dangerous Prayers and it
talks about that's. Things like that.
Yeah, I can. I can see that unfolding in a
couple of areas of life. You want to do one more card?

(01:03:20):
Yeah, OK. One, maybe 2.
OK, cool. What's something you're still
learning to accept about yourself and also too everyone
listening answer these questionsfor yourself.
I think this would be so fun. And that's why I love these like
card games. And This is why some of our
check insurance are even like worded like this.
And I think that's why clients get so much out of it when like,
what am I still accepting? What do I need to accept about

(01:03:41):
myself to keep making progress? That's a good one.
What I'm still learning to accept about myself is, I mean,
I want to say you can't please everybody.
I think I've like learned that. Like you can't save everybody

(01:04:04):
kind of thing. You know, I think that sometimes
I think of that sometimes I, I, and this is, I don't know if
this is something I'm learning about myself.
I mean, it is, it's like learning that I've been this
kind of person and I need to stop.
So it's more of like I was doingthis wrong more so in my

(01:04:26):
personal life, I live in the grey a lot with people and it's
because I don't want to let anybody down.
So I think sometimes there's this aspect of one, they don't,
won't actually care. You're not going to let them
down. It's not a big deal because it's
literally a simple situation, like to the point where it's
like when I'll be home or even like if, if like my mom or dad's

(01:04:50):
like, hey, let's get together like soon.
And I know I can't for the next three weeks.
Like I know for a fact, but I don't want to tell them they
have to wait or that I can't. I'll like live in the grave.
Like, oh, I got to check my schedule.
Like I, it's so hard for me to say like, sorry, I can't even
though 9 times out of 10 with these simple things, the
person's going to be like, OK, three weeks, 4 weeks cold.
Let's just, you know, put it on the calendar, whatever and what

(01:05:11):
happens is you live in the grey.And then by the time that time
comes, I'm busy then too, you know, and then I, and then I
feel worse. And I, so I think I'm learning
about myself that I really, really don't like disappointing
people. But sometimes that can cause me
to, I don't want to say be dishonest 'cause I'm not like
lying, 'cause if they straight up ask me because they know that

(01:05:32):
about me, I always tell the truth.
You know, that's one thing. I'm very strong.
I literally don't lie. Even if it gets me trouble.
It's like I'm going to tell it how it is, but I've done that
because I think it's just, I, I need to put less pressure on
making everybody happy, you know?
It's a really good one. I think just to remember like
the acceptance that you are going to disappoint people like
you are like, and I think that'swhere it's even harder.

(01:05:54):
Like you were trying to like, like I'm not going to, but like
sometimes you are. And I think that's, I mean, it's
something that I've also had to accept where it's like, hey, I
can't make this. Well, why not?
That sucks. Like I said, something else, I
know it's disappointing to you. I know that it would mean if I
was there and it would help you in whatever way, shape or form,
but I can't. Like especially too, I think
this comes up a lot with your significant other where it's

(01:06:16):
like just accepting, like sometimes in life things are
going to happen where maybe I dodisappoint him and I don't want
to make transformation, but it'sjust like sometimes you.
Know what's funny about that, though?
And it's not just with your significant other budgets in
general, I think that a lot of times your disappointment for
your, to yourself for disappointing them is actually

(01:06:38):
stronger than their disappointment towards you.
Like they're like, oh, I'm bummed out.
And then they forget about it because they move on with their
life just like you should. And then you're like, you're
just stewing on it. And then you're, because I, I
even remember, I think this is common with some entrepreneurs
like me and Cody Smith are very common a lot of ways.
And there was a time where he was like, he felt bad about
something like that. He was like, dude, I just like I
got, he brought it up next time we talked and he was like, I

(01:06:59):
feel terrible. Like I've had to like skip the
last couple times we were going to like get on a call or meet up
or whatever. And I was like, well, I
literally haven't even thought about it.
And to be honest with you, my first thought was that I respect
you because the only reason you skipped is because you're not
willing to miss your son's football game in a pivotal point
in his life. That is so much more important

(01:07:20):
than kicking with me getting on a call and bullshit and like
we're not doing anything super serious.
Like I'm I'm grateful you value my friendship.
But I remember telling him, like, dude, part of the reason
why I love you so much is because you're that kind of guy.
And so like what he was disappointed himself for was
actually what I respected him for.
But I didn't like, I'm a dude. So I didn't say like bro, like

(01:07:40):
good for you. I respect you for that.
I was just like, no worries, bro.
Like I just texted him, you know, because I'm not like
moochie. So I didn't say that, you know,
until we get on the phone. And I was like, bro.
Yeah, let me say that I think that's a like people will get
into that loop where they get like disappointed or annoyed
that they're disappointed or like that they are frustrated
that they let something get themthat mad.

(01:08:02):
And it's like, you know, like emotions are not like just be
mad, let it process through, be annoyed at it.
But being annoyed at being mad, it only compounds and makes it
worse. And so I think it's, I think
part of an acceptance thing I know that I've worked through
and a lot of people do is like acceptance that negative
emotions are going to happen, acceptance that life is 5050,

(01:08:23):
like everything in life is 5050.The people who you see have
accomplished a lot, have paid a price to get there.
The people who have the body youwant, they, they paid their 52.
No one gets out of not the accepting the 5050 of life, the
5050 of with kids. Like as much as I like.
There's that love and that beauty and how much joy it like

(01:08:45):
Blakely brings you. There's also moments where it's
like it's frustrating and it's hard and you're like, why aren't
you doing this? Yeah.
And so 100%, I think there's an acceptance of life is 5050 in
every area of life, business included.
I think part of that for me thatI'm learning to accept too, is
it's the same thing but in a different way.
It's just the more along the lines of like, not everybody's

(01:09:10):
gonna agree with you or like you, and that's actually a good
thing. I'd rather be somebody that is a
leader and like somebody that inspires and leads a certain
group of people rather than I'm just a positive guy to
everybody. Like I can't make an impact

(01:09:32):
unless I piss some people off ultimately.
And I think the long time I was super worried about that.
I'm less worried about it now, but like, I think I learned that
about myself as I was like, I'm trying way too hard to please
everybody, you know? And at the end of the day,
everybody I respect, especially in the business world, there are
people who do not give a shit. They're going to speak their
mind and keep it real and do what they know they need to do

(01:09:52):
for that aligns with them, but also allows them to help the
people that need their help the most instead of being like in
that Gray area with everybody and you're just helping some
people. It's like I would rather just go
all in on One Direction, help somebody the most.
The people that really need my help and want my help the most.
I'd rather go all in and be veryhonest and authentic to who I am
and sorry to everybody else. You know, do you think it's

(01:10:15):
seeing other people and having that model to you is what made
the biggest difference? I think a lot of people want to
be more honest and be like, yeah, even things like, I
believe in God, who I voted for,what my beliefs are like.
I think people want to speak that, but they're scared.
And they're nervous because we know behind closed doors, like,
sometimes people will be like, oh, I feel the same way.
And so did that shift happen foryou because you were like, I see

(01:10:39):
other people who I respect? I think so, a bit of it.
I think part of it was that I had to say, man, I wish I was
more outspoken like that enough times to be like, why the fuck
aren't I? You know, not to an ignorant
level or like like for the intention of pissing people off,
but not like trying to avoid it by all costs.
Like who? Cause ultimately, like I've

(01:11:00):
never given a shit. Like who cares?
At the end of the day, if somebody's like, I don't believe
in God, I'm like, OK, you should, but if you don't, that's
your journey. I'm not mad.
You know, it's like same thing with who I voted for.
OK, I don't care. Like it doesn't matter.
Like are you hurting my family? No, OK, do your thing, bro.
And like, unfortunately that's not how other people feel or

(01:11:22):
think. But I realize like all that
matters is that's how I believe it should be.
And so I'm going to stay true tothat.
And then I think the other part of it is when you are
inauthentic at all, after a while, it just feels really AD
like it just doesn't sit well with you, you know, And I think
I was, I don't think I've ever been like completely
inauthentic, but like I've like avoided certain things for long

(01:11:45):
enough to where it was like, OK,this is, you know.
Because then the people around you are they really do they
believe the same as you? Do they like you for like
there's just so many things thenyou then have to question and
you are unsure of and you're notsure like OK, was it this thing
that make them mad or tiptoeing around this and well.
It's like those people, you knowthat you're like, I really know
about that guy. Like he's nice, but I don't know

(01:12:08):
what he like, what he's into or what he stands for anything.
Like I don't want to be that guy.
I'd rather be like Cody is not my cup of tea or fuck I love
Cody. I love that.
I think that's so important. Like I I'll even say this like
when I'm on a call with someone,like I'm not everyone's cup of
tea. I don't expect to be, but you'll
know if you're mad, like you'll know if I'm your tea, you'll
know if I'm the flavor because my clients that have been with

(01:12:28):
me, they're like no like full scent, like all the things.
We're here for it. And most people who end up
coaching with us, yeah, we don'tneed to tip to her on that
because we know, yeah, they wouldn't be on the call.
You know what I mean? Like if they weren't.
I think that's a good one. OK, do.
One more to wrap up. OK, Yeah, we can do one more.
I think there's there's a coupleleft, let's say have.

(01:12:49):
To be a rapid fire 1. So pick a good one.
This is OK. What's none of these are rapid
fire. The card game is not rapid fire.
What life lesson had what lessonhas life taught had need to
teach you more than once before it finally stuck?
So like, what's a lesson? And I guess you could say this

(01:13:10):
in any area of life, but you hadto learn multiple times before
you're like, I get it. What did God have to keep
teaching you in various ways? Yeah, 1 for sure is that and
this, this might sound kind of like morbid, but it's the, it's
fact. So listen, everybody's out for

(01:13:31):
themselves at the end of the day, like, and if you can
understand that and respect thatand then try to help the people.
So that like, if, if you want people in your life, if you want
people to do business with you, if you want people to be in your
circle, then you need to make sure that your alignment is, is
set up in a way to that. Everything you do to better your

(01:13:52):
life is also going to aid in them bettering their life.
Or else it's not going to work. Because at the end of the day,
why would you expect anything else?
I would never expect you to put me, TCM, my family or anything
above Dennis and Gabby. There's nothing in a logical
mind that would expect that, right?
You are going to fend for yourself and your family no

(01:14:14):
matter what, and that's a core value of mine.
So why would I expect you to nothave that for you?
But if I don't know what you want in life, if I don't know
the type of person you are and Idon't have full confidence that
what I want aligns with that andwhat I want for the company
helps you fulfil what you want in your life with your family,
then I need I got to walk on eggshells, you know, and I think

(01:14:35):
I've been ignorant to that in the past.
And then you feel like backstabbed or something.
And this has happened in my personal life.
This has happened in business, people in the company, people
out of the company or who were who are no longer in the
company, people outside of the company in the industry that I
know I've had to have multiple times.
And you kind of go like what thelike it's that gullible.
Like everybody's wants the best for everybody.

(01:14:56):
Like they don't, they want the best for themselves.
And so do you. So that's OK.
Like ultimately, I'm always going to put my family first,
you know, but if I think I've done well enough now to where I
can sit back and actually look at everything in my life and go
the business, my circle, like myhouse neighbor, like everything

(01:15:17):
is set up in a way that there's a lot of transparency and
authenticity of who I am and what I want and what I'm after
and what I'm doing. And the people that are within
that they are on the same page or what they want is within the
it's a congruent enough to wherethey're going to get exactly
what they want for them and theirs.
While I get what I want from mine and you know, me and mine.

(01:15:39):
And then that's why it works. And so now we can all be happy
because we all get what we want individually.
But I just think that people arealways going to be selfish.
Like that's just the reality. I also think that a part of that
that kind of blurs it in a good way is having a shared belief
system. And I don't just mean like

(01:15:59):
religiously, but that is a good,it's a good example of it.
You know, like if me and my wife, if she's an atheist and
I'm a Christian, we're going to have issues, not because I don't
love her, but because we don't have the same alignment.
We don't have the same value system.
So like what she believes is right and wrong and what she
believes, how she needs to show up and act according to the life

(01:16:20):
of a godly woman is going to be completely opposite to me if I
don't believe the same thing as her, you know?
So I think that if you have alignment with core values and
not just like God, but like justbeliefs of like what is a good
person, what is right, what is honesty, what are core values
like when you have that in place, that's when you can truly
trust people, you know. And I think it's usually in

(01:16:43):
life, it's either neglected or it's undiscussed.
And if it's undiscussed, it is neglected.
But if it's not discussed, there's this grey area that is
it's a ticking time bomb, you know, And I think like the more
I've gone through life, the moreI've I've really aligned myself
with friends, even family, as hard as that is for people to
see, there's going to be people who are blood related to you

(01:17:05):
that maybe it's not the same, you know, whether it's like
cousins, distance, relevance or,or it's literally close.
But that's like, I think that's the most important thing.
That I've learned that's really good.
I think you can't take avoidancewith you to success and
understanding that that's a, that's a really good lesson that
I think probably everyone needs to like.
It's helpful for people to hear so that they don't have to like,

(01:17:27):
learn it the hard way multiple, multiple times.
Or be afraid to admit. Yeah.
Like I'm thinking of me first. Yeah, yeah, Like that just makes
sense. I think this is where we always
try and like when we even talk about mindset and behaviour, we
link it back to like human design.
Like, yeah, dopamine's like this.
You're a driven person, of course you struggle with
self-control around food. Like you don't have to be

(01:17:49):
ashamed of that. Just understand and get help.
Like, yeah, you are going to seek out like, what's most
important for you and your family.
Doesn't mean that you're a jerk.It doesn't mean that you don't
care about other things. But like, you're going to
prioritize what's most important.
Or that you don't want what's best for me?
Yeah, it just means you want what's best for you first.
Yeah, yeah, rightly salad. So, yeah.
And so I think this is a lot of this one could be definitely

(01:18:11):
like a lot of truths to like life's truth that just like
evolved over it. But we'll put some more more
cards for next time. Yep, we'll save those.
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#70 - The Dark Side of Success: The Mental Struggle Behind Entrepreneurship

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}#70 - The Dark Side of Success: The Mental Struggle Behind Entrepreneurship