April 23, 2025 • 46 mins
Amber Lia wanted to be a good mom. The last thing she wanted was let her frustrations boil over onto her children. Hear Amber's story of the triggers that led to angry outbursts and then the feelings of guilt and shame that came afterward. How do you gain freedom from that anger and self-condemnation? Hear an honest and hopeful conversation on Chris Fabry Live.
Featured resource:
UnTriggered: 60 Days of Transformation for Moms Who Struggle with Anger
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
S1 (00:05):
Amber is going to be on us today. Amber is
going to be vulnerable because as much as Amber loved
being a mom and love her kids, she was often
overwhelmed by frustration and anger that undermined her mothering. And
she felt alone, like she was the only one who
struggled with this. So when she got angry and lashed
out at her kids, she felt guilt and shame. Have
(00:29):
you been there? Are you there right now? Well, Amber
is here to help you. If you feel like anger
has gotten the best of you and that you can't
be a good mom. It's all over. You've scarred your
kids for life. There's no hope. I want you to
hear Amber's story straight ahead on Chris Faber Live. The
program from the heart to the heart for the heart.
Welcome to the radio backyard fence. Big thank you to
(00:51):
our team. Ryan McConaughey doing all things technical. Tricia is
our producer. Deb Solomon is in the chair today. Anthony
will be answering your calls. Goals. Do you have a
prodigal child or grandchild? A couple of weeks ago, we
aired Doctor Erwin Lutzer conversation, and he mentioned a prayer
group called Pop's Parents of Prodigals. He led that group
(01:12):
years ago, and I think his story may encourage you today.
Here's Doctor Lutzer.
S2 (01:17):
We didn't see a lot of changed lives after our deep,
heartfelt intercession, but even months and years later, people met
me and said, do you remember the prodigal child I had,
that daughter that I had? Well, she has come back
to the Lord now and she's walking with God. So
people become discouraged. Parents become discouraged. You know, I've been
(01:40):
praying for my son for a year and look at
what's happening. Keep praying. Yes, God may answer the prayer quickly,
but he may take his time in doing it. But
he's testing us as to whether or not we're going
to continue to persist and say, I will not give
up until I see the answer.
S1 (02:01):
For one more week, we are offering Doctor Losers a
Practical guide for praying parents little book, but it'll take
you from being an anxious parent to being a praying parent.
The anxiety can turn into trust in your heavenly father,
give a gift of any size, or become a back
(02:21):
fence partner at Christmas. I'd love to send you a
copy of A Practical Guide for Praying parents. Hurry! The
end of the month is coming! Chris Fabry, Livorno. Or
we did a program on hurry and how you shouldn't hurry,
so let me amend that. So take advantage of this
now call 866958669532279. And if you don't get in before
(02:49):
the end of April, don't get angry about it. Listen
to Amber Leah. She is a former English teacher, now
author speaker. She's written books such as Food Triggers and
Parenting Scripts. Her latest is untriggered 60 Days of Transformation
for Moms Who Struggle with Anger. She lives in Chattanooga
(03:09):
with her husband and four boys. Amber, welcome to the program.
How are you doing today?
S3 (03:15):
Thank you. Chris, I am so glad to be here.
I'm feeling good and ready to hopefully give some hope
to some moms and dads out there.
S1 (03:24):
Is how I described your situation right there at the start.
Is that a fair representation? You had anger boiling inside
and you felt alone?
S3 (03:34):
Absolutely. Which was such a shock for me because I
had been a teacher for about a decade before. I
had my own children, and I had these dreams and
visions of what parenting would be like. And I thought,
this is going to be amazing. I'm going to be
a wonderful mom. And in some ways I was, but
(03:54):
I was caught off guard by how often I was
triggered and how angry I would get, and I just
found myself struggling with like, I love the Lord. Why
am I treating my kids this way? I felt a
lot of guilt. And eventually God took me on a
journey of of transformation. And it was a rough, you know,
(04:17):
road for quite a while in my early parenting days.
But there is a lot of hope for change.
S1 (04:22):
Okay, that word, that t word you just used. Transformation.
That's what I'm going for. That's what I want. That's
what I need. And I know our listeners are saying
the same thing. I don't need three steps for hints.
Life hack, this or that. What I need is to
be changed from the inside out and that that is
hard to see if you're in the middle of anger.
(04:45):
And why can't my kids just do what I tell
them to do?
S3 (04:50):
It is. And this whole process of parenting, while Well,
there's many blessings in it and it's a delight. And
it's a gift. It really is about my sanctification. And
there is going to be a journey and a process
through growth. And at the end of the day, that
is a blessing. But a lot of us are not
(05:10):
prepared for some of these challenges that we face when
we're triggered. And that anger rises up.
S1 (05:17):
Throughout the book. You have these questions of and this
is a devotional, for instance, why 60 days? Why couldn't
you do this in 30 days?
S3 (05:27):
Well, you know, you might be able to, but we've
most of us have been struggling with triggers for quite
a while. We've felt this frustration and been a bit helpless.
And that's a good stretch of time for most of us.
And so for for to lean in for 60 days,
I've just seen that intentionality. That's when these new habits
(05:51):
really form, when God does that day by day, renewing
of our mind and connecting with us in our heart.
It's just the perfect amount of days we felt as
a team with my publisher to really reach moms. Because
a month in and we're starting to awaken, we're starting
(06:12):
to practice some new things and to see God work.
And really, by the end of 60 days, it's really
taking root. And that's what we want. We want this
to take root. So that transformation really does happen.
S1 (06:24):
So there is a parallel. You are a certified independent
health coach. There's a parallel between what you're talking about
with the anger inside and dealing with that in 60
days and getting on some kind of a regimen of
exercise and diet and doing that for more than just
a week or the month of January and then setting
(06:44):
it aside. There's something about the long term, as you say,
let it take root that really does something inside.
S3 (06:52):
Yeah. You know, I like the word lifestyle because whether
it's dealing with our health issues or, um, parenting, other relationships, even,
there has to be sort of this shift, you know,
as a culture, I think we really like the overnight success.
We like the quick shipping that happens when we order something,
(07:13):
but our bodies and our minds and our spiritual growth
is more complex than that. And so we sort of
have to slow down a little bit and think, you know,
this is is as long as it takes, you know,
even parenting takes a childhood, right? A childhood is like
18 years or more. And so we when we give
ourselves a little bit of, of grace to be patient
(07:36):
with the process and to learn something new day by day,
whether it's healthier habits or a healthier way of relating
to my child when I'm triggered, it's going to take time.
And that's okay. We don't have to be in such
a hurry.
S1 (07:52):
The, uh, with just about every devotional, you give questions.
You give things that will slow you down to get
you to think more. And one of the questions was,
what were the top three things that you're triggered by?
Or what are the top three things that your kids
trigger inside of you? So let me give that to
you as you look back and your kids are now
(08:15):
18 down to eight for boys. What were the things
that were triggered inside of you? What were the circumstances
that caused you to get angry?
S3 (08:26):
Such a good question, Chris. And I hate to say it,
but I had so many triggers when my kids were little,
and I began to recognize that there were both internal
triggers and these sort of external triggers. So sometimes it
was just my own internal conflict, you know, um, I'm
(08:47):
dealing with a friendship that maybe is struggling. And so
then it could be very easy for me to shift
that frustration to my children. It had nothing to do
with them. It was my own internal thing. Sometimes it
was external, you know, the messy house or the boys
wrestling on my couch and knocking over a vase, you know?
And so there were a lot of different things for me.
(09:09):
I was really challenged by the sibling rivalry that would
happen among my kids, especially as boys. You know, we
have four boys, so we affectionately call it a testosterone. Uh,
and it is there's a lot of noise, a lot of, uh,
activity going on. And for me as a female, that
would often grate on me. And so that was one
(09:32):
of my big triggers. And sometimes it was even just,
you know, we had a transition in life where we
moved to a small town and nothing seemed familiar. And
that was a big trigger season for me, as I
was just trying to get my feet underneath me again.
So in every season. You know, we may have triggers
that shift and change, but if we can learn how
to walk in the spirit when we're faced with those
(09:54):
triggers so that we are untriggered by those moments, we
can actually use them to grow closer to the Lord
and to parent in a gentle, biblical way that is gold.
S1 (10:06):
Amber just used the title of the book. It's going
to be a life changer, a help to a lot
of moms who are listening, who deal with anger, who
feel like, oh, I'm all alone in this. It's triggered
60 days of transformation for moms who struggle with anger.
Here's a question that Amber is going to answer in
our second next segment, the defining moment when you realized,
(10:30):
I really need to deal with this in my life.
What was that for Amber? I think the answer is
going to help you today. And if you're right in
the middle of this, if you feel this anger bubbling
up inside of you, here's the number 877 75483675. We'd
love to hear from you today. (877) 548-3675.
S4 (11:03):
This is Chris Fabry.
S1 (11:04):
Live on Moody Radio. Thanks a lot for joining us today.
The back fence I love how sometimes our programs will
dovetail one one day will lead to the next day.
Or we'll do something last week that really informs yesterday.
Derwin gray talked about Lit Up With Love and how
when you have a heart filled with the love of God,
then you look at other people differently, especially people who
(11:27):
don't know him and people who do as well. And
it's the same thing right here. If you got a
heart full of anger, if you're stirred up with anger,
there's no relationship really that you have from strangers on
the street or, you know, the person who cuts you
off in traffic to your children, the children, the people
that you really love. This is going to bubble up
in your life. So that's why Amber Leah Elijah wrote
(11:51):
the book Untriggered 60 Days of Transformation for Moms Who
Struggle With Anger. And I think, dads, you can be
helped by it as well. We have it linked at
Chris Fabry Livorno. Tell me the defining moment that led
you to address this in your life. Amber.
S3 (12:11):
You know, Chris, it almost makes me cry when I
go back in time. And I think about this moment, um,
because I remember it so vividly. My husband had moved
us to a small town on the central coast of California. Um,
in that season, I had three little boys at the time,
four years old and under, and I wasn't getting much
(12:33):
sleep at night. I didn't have a lot of friends
because I was new in town, and I was still
trying to get my act together. And I remember my
husband walking out the front door and he was, you know,
ready for work. He had a nice lunch packed. He
had his suit on. He smelled good. He looked good.
(12:54):
And off he went. And I shut the door and
I leaned back against it. And I looked out and
I saw my little boys. And the house was a mess,
which was a problem for me. I felt like I
was never able to stay on top of things, and
I was still in my pajamas, which honestly, I had
been in for a couple days at that point. And the,
(13:15):
you know, one of the kids was fussing and then
there were all these toys strewn about, and I just
looked out and I thought, this is not life to
the full. I felt inside all of this angst and frustration,
I started snapping. I was I was a mess and
the mess was making a mess out of me. So
I ended up, you know, all of a sudden hearing
(13:37):
this knock on the door. And I froze because I thought,
oh my goodness. You know, it can't be Guy my
husband because I know he's gone. And I was worried
that maybe someone had overheard me snapping or raising my voice,
or they looked in the window and saw all this disarray.
And I turned around and I looked through the peephole
and lo and behold, it's my neighbor from down the street.
(14:01):
And thankfully, he was a much older gentleman. He wore
hearing aids, and I thought, okay, maybe he didn't hear me,
and I'm saved and I don't have to be so embarrassed.
I opened the door. He, you know, is returning something
that he had borrowed from my husband. I said goodbye
and he went on his way. But I remember shutting
the door again after that and just going, okay, Lord,
enough is enough. I don't want to live with this shame.
(14:23):
I want to be a better mom. I want to
honor you. I love my kids too much to be
like this. And so I got to work. I took
that little nap time that my kids would take, which
was short but sweet. And often I would just want
to take a break or catch up on some housework
or something, and I said, nope, I'm going to get
back to being in the word. I'm going to find out.
(14:43):
What does God say about anger and how does he
treat me as my loving father? And I pleaded with
him to change me, and he showed up. And he did.
S1 (14:55):
How did he show up?
S3 (14:58):
Well, he began to give me wisdom. And I just
want to say that that is not just a cliche,
Pat saying, you know, the Word of God says that
the Lord will give to us generously when we ask
for wisdom. And so I told him, I said, the
things I'm doing aren't working. I keep getting caught up
in this same cycle, and I need you to break
(15:18):
that cycle, and I need you to give me practical
wisdom and insight of how to be the kind of
mom that you want me to be. And as I
took those few minutes every day and I started looking
at Bible verses like, you know, Proverbs 15 one, um,
a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word
stirs up anger and I was like, ding ding, ding ding.
(15:40):
That resonates with me because every time my kids are
upset and then I'm upset right back at him. Now
we've got two tantrums going on and we're adding fuel
to the flame and everybody's getting angrier. But when I
would pause and I would calm down and I would say, okay,
I'm going to approach my child with a soft answer.
I'm going to quiet my voice. I'm going to speak
(16:00):
more tenderly. And I reflected on, you know, that's how
God treats me. He didn't just, you know, discipline me
harshly and immediately. Every time I messed up, he was
very long suffering with me. And so I began to
just apply those verses in practical ways and really take
it to heart. And God changed my heart and my behavior.
S1 (16:22):
So when you when you got angry, then from from
then on, as God started to work on you, when
you'd get angry, you know, the next time you're tempted
to say, oh, well, I've blown it, you know, I'm
back where I started with all those times ago. God's
not working on me, that kind of thing. And that
wasn't true. The the struggle is part of the process.
(16:45):
And the struggle is evidence that he is at work. Right?
S3 (16:50):
Absolutely. And I think that, um, our enemy, you know,
Satan really works overtime in our minds, especially moms who
struggle in this area because he's our accuser and he
wants to start telling us that it's hopeless and he'll
try to tell us that we're no good at this
and we'll never change, or we've already done too much damage.
(17:10):
And those are lies that we have to be really
mindful to just take those thoughts captive and make them
obedient to Christ. You know, Jesus is is our Savior.
He saves us from ourselves. Um, he is our Redeemer.
You know, he brings and creates us into something new.
And so just to have that hopeful mindset that, yeah,
(17:31):
this is a struggle for me, but it's not the
full story. I can be patient with this process. It
says day by day to be renewed. And so just
to be patient with that process and to let God
do his work, we have to yield to the perfecting
process instead of seeking perfection overnight.
S1 (17:50):
And the outcome. I want the outcome. I want it
right now that make me not angry. I'm getting angry because,
you know, as you're talking here, Amber, I'm thinking of
the parallels between someone who struggles with some addiction and
I think of of alcohol. For a lot of people,
sobriety is what they want. They want to be sober.
And that's a long process. And it takes, you know,
(18:13):
it takes hard work, but it almost seems like the
same thing with this thing of anger. There is a
sobriety that you have to choose to walk toward. Is
that close to what you experienced?
S3 (18:28):
Absolutely. And it's a very similar parallel, um, with other
kinds of addiction, as you said. And for me, when
I was going through this between me and the Lord,
I recognized that I first had to get control of
myself before I could try to control my kids or
(18:49):
anything else in my environment. And so I began very
simply with just I like to call it this holy pause,
where I basically is a mommy timeout, right where if
I started to feel myself tense because it is a
visceral reaction that we have in our bodies when we
start to be triggered, that my first step was Amber.
(19:10):
Just get to a place of calm. You know you can't.
You need to correct your own thoughts and behavior before
you can even correct your child. And so I would
just do this. I'd tell myself, Amber, Holy pause. First,
you know, stop, take a deep breath and just breathe
until you feel that peace come. You know, invite the Lord,
(19:30):
just like, Lord, I'm struggling. I need your help. Take
a breath. Step away. ZIP my lip until I can
speak in a way that I know is going to
breathe life into my child. So. And that is a process,
you know, and allow that to take as long as
it takes. So that the first response now. So now
when my kids trigger me or something external triggers me,
(19:51):
I automatically am very calm and I'm thinking, hmm, I
wonder what this is really about. I need to just
breathe and think through this and then make a response,
make a choice that's actually going to be beneficial for everybody.
S4 (20:07):
Yes.
S1 (20:07):
See, that's to get to that place is it's it's
almost superhuman for most of us because we live our
lives on this treadmill of doing and we have all
this external stimuli that's coming in, and we've got to
get this done. We got our list to make and
everything to be able to say, hmm, something's going on
here and I don't know what it is. I think
I'll stop. I'll take a holy pause. That's a that's
(20:29):
a breakthrough right there. And for somebody who's listening and
you're dealing with anger or whatever it is that you're
dealing with, this happens with food, a trigger for food.
You know, I really want to have this, you know,
this sweet thing over here because and why do you
want that? Stop and pause and think about it. The
book is Untriggered 60 Days of Transformation for Moms Who
(20:50):
Struggle with Anger. Click through today's information right there at
the website. Chris Fabbri. Fabbri. Chris. Fabbri. Amber I'm going
to bring in some friends here who are walking this
trail with you. Kenda is on the line. Kenda why
did you call today?
S5 (21:10):
Well, thank you for having me. Um, so I find
that my son, I became a parent overnight with him.
My brother passed and his mother had abandoned him and um,
his biological mother. And for, um, he lost my brother
and I stepped in, and he's now nine. He turned
nine in December, And, um, bedtime because he plays sports
(21:32):
and stuff. Bedtime and dinner seem to be the worst. Um,
but I ask him over and over again, can you
please get ready? First time obedience. I try to be calm,
and it seems as if he just doesn't take me
seriously unless I raise my voice. And then I recently
kind of tried to do what you guys were calling
as a holy pause and and just saying, you need
(21:52):
to go do this. You need to take your bath,
you need to shower and walking out. And then he
screams hysterically, you know, because he wants me right there.
And I'm not even saying it in an angry way. Um,
so just wondering how how do I get that obedience?
And and it's difficult because I come home from work
and I am. I've never been married. I'm single. I'm
playing both the nurturer and the disciplinarian, and I'm just
(22:15):
trying to find that balance and how to do it
the way God would have us to do it. And
he's very tender. Um, but he's also very strong willed
and so, so any advice you might be able to
give me? And, you know, we're talking about addiction. You know,
the difference between that is there's some accountability. I don't know,
how do I have somebody hold me accountable in this
area or how do I. It's not like it's horrific, but.
S1 (22:37):
Well, and.
S5 (22:38):
That it's.
S1 (22:38):
The whole thing of being alone. You know, you are
alone because you're a single mom and you're struggling, you know.
So I and I just want to say to you
before Amber answers. God bless you, friend, for doing what
you're doing, for stepping into his life. This little boy,
there's something, something good's going to happen in his life.
And you may not be able to see that right now,
but I can just tell there's something God is going
(23:00):
to do, something in his heart and in his life
because you're there. So I want to encourage you with that. Now, Amber,
what do you say?
S3 (23:09):
Yes, Kenda, I'm already so amazed by you. What a
good mom you are already that. Here you are listening. Um.
Seeking wisdom. You know he's. He is a blessed little
boy already to have you in his life. So, so
well done. You know, I think that one of the
best things tools that I've been able to use with
my kids when there's some pushback. You know, they're trying to, um,
(23:32):
set up their own independence in a lot of these struggles, right?
And so you kind of think of it as this
tug of war a little bit. And I think it's
really important to drop the rope and not pull them
in your direction instead to offer them choices. I like
to give my child two reasonable choices that would be
(23:52):
acceptable to me. So I would say things like, do
you want to take a bath or do you want
to take a shower? Or would you like to take
your bath first or have your story first tonight? Um,
anytime that they can do, you know, make a decision
for themselves so that they're a part of it with you. So,
so often we think I'm the authority. I have to
(24:12):
tell them everything that they have to do. But if
we do that over and over, long term, they're not
going to be very productive, responsible adults either. And they
won't have good, healthy self-esteem because they won't know how
to make decisions for themselves either. So you're actually winning
in a lot of ways when you give them a
little bit of control, giving them some control, um, does
(24:32):
not remove your control or your authority, but giving them
some healthy options as often as you can often removes
a lot of that struggle and that pushback.
S1 (24:42):
And you know what? You know why that is. And
I this is so great, Amber, because I wrote down
two words give choices after I heard her. So you
went there is absolutely right. It's like, okay, so, uh, Bobby,
we have a half hour between now and when you
go to bed, and we got to do this and
this and this. Which one do you want to do first?
(25:04):
Do you want to take your shower first or do
you want to take it, you know, before, uh, that
type of thing. But the other thing that I'm thinking
about from his shoes and his moccasins, he has an
awful lot of loss. You know, he's lost his father.
His his mother has abandoned him. There is a lot
of things that are simply out of his control, and
(25:26):
so him getting angry at the end of the day
and trying to gain some control is like totally understandable
that this this kid is really hurting inside and may
not even know it. So, uh, hang on, Kendall, I
want to talk with you in the middle of the break, and, uh,
stay on the line. I want to get your address
because we're going to send you a copy of Untriggered
(25:48):
by Amber Leah Moore. Straight ahead. We're talking about moms
and anger today on Chris Fabry Live.
S4 (26:06):
And here's the truth.
S1 (26:07):
There are inner struggles hanging around your life and mind
that influence us every day. These triggers, these flashpoints of
the past that kind of rise up and affect the present.
The people at Carenet work with women and men who
are making decisions about an unborn child. But they're pro
abundant life approach means they're not just for the baby.
(26:28):
They are, but they're for everybody in that equation. April
is abortion recovery awareness month. And if you click the
Green care net link at Livorno, you can download a
free copy of forgiven and Set Free. Maybe you or
someone you know need to receive and live in the
forgiveness that God is offering. Click that Green Care Net
(26:52):
link today at Chris Fabry Livorno. Chris Fabry Livorno. We
were talking in the break with Kenda, who has is
a single mom and she's raising this son and feels
like she's doing a bad job. And Amber Leah is
with me. She's written untriggered. We both agree. She's doing
(27:14):
a great job, don't you think, Amber?
S3 (27:16):
She's doing a fantastic job. You can just hear her
heart come through and I tell you that there's going
to be some really wonderful days ahead in that that
mom son relationship, for sure.
S1 (27:27):
Yeah. But the thing that she mentioned in the break
is that, you know, she's she's working, she's she's doing both,
you know, mom and dad to her son who's nine
years old now and she's doing the soccer thing, you know,
sports things after school things. And there is this exhaustion
that comes when you feel she feels like, um, you know,
(27:50):
I'm always on, and I never have a break. That's
a that's a clue that that there there needs to
be space in there. Right?
S3 (28:00):
Absolutely. And I think it's important to recognize that it
is okay to say no to some things in certain seasons,
if we feel like we are so exhausted that we're
no good to anybody because we're not able to really
take care of ourselves. You know, we see all through
scripture the importance of rest. That said, there are seasons
(28:21):
of life where that's not as possible. You know, especially
for single parents, that exhaustion can feel so tangible and
we don't know a way around it. And so, you know,
I like to remind myself and others that, you know,
true peace and restoration is not really the absence of
(28:42):
conflict or even a good night's sleep. It's really a
condition of the heart. And we have an incredibly eternal
resource of strength and refreshment in the Word of God
and through the Holy Spirit. And so for me, you know,
(29:03):
I have to cling hard to the Lord in seasons
of exhaustion. And I remember very vividly there was, um,
one night when my oldest son was a baby. He
had extreme colic and reflux. He didn't sleep through the
night till he was three for the first time, and
I just felt like I was an absolute zombie. Like
(29:23):
there was a reason that they used lack of sleep
with prisoners of war, right? It's like a form of torture.
And I just begged the Lord to give me an
opportunity for rest and to get my feet back underneath me,
and it just would never come. It was relentless, and
I just was at my wit's end. Talk about being triggered.
And so I just remember asking the Lord and pleading
(29:45):
with him, please help me help this child go to sleep.
And I just remember him very gently as I was
rocking him in the rocking chair, you know, 3 a.m.
in the morning. I just felt the Lord speak to
my heart. Amber, let me hold you while you hold him.
This is a beautiful gift and a privilege for you
to hold him all through the night. You always wanted
(30:06):
to be a mom. You had to wait for it
a lot longer than you thought you would. And this
is going to be hard. He's not going to get
the sleep that you want, but you can do this.
And when you are exhausted, I will be your strength.
I will be your spring of living water. And I
will walk with you through this. Even if I don't
(30:27):
remove it from you. And that will be, I think,
our story in many different seasons of parenting.
S1 (30:34):
What happened that first night when he was three? When
he slept through the night.
S3 (30:39):
We thought something was wrong. What's going on? This isn't normal.
But it was glorious, man. I'll tell you what. And now,
of course, he's 17 and we have to work hard
to wake him up. So there's hope out there. For
those of you that have littles, they do get their sleep.
Just wait till they're teens.
S1 (30:55):
Was your husband somebody who could sleep through anything?
S3 (30:59):
Oh man. To this day, and in any position I
might add, it doesn't matter. He could be sitting up
straight in a hard backed chair and and sleep, you know,
right through. Um, any kind of cry that the baby might,
might be having, but not me. I mean, I was
on high alert. I think it's a mom thing.
S1 (31:17):
Yeah. You know, a lot of this comes back to
when you think about your life and the child and
being the parent, and even heard it in Kennedy's voice.
It's like, I really want to get this right. I
want to do this right because it depends on me.
And if that's true, then, you know, there's reason for
anxiety and a lot of angst. But if you have
(31:39):
a sovereign Heavenly Father who is watching over you and
who really is in control, and we aren't, we have
to come to that kicking and screaming that it doesn't
all depend on us. And I'm not saying be a
laissez faire parent at all. What I'm saying is when
you lean into that, he is sovereign and I'm not.
(32:01):
It gives you the ability to relax and be able
to rest in a sense that some of the things
that are going on with the anger or whatever the circumstances,
that this is in his hands and I can trust
him even though I feel a lot of tension. Does
that make sense?
S3 (32:21):
Absolutely. And you know, God's promise to us is that
he will give us everything that we need for life
and for godliness. He is going to give us what
we need. We may not always get what we want,
but we will always have what we need. And I
often am in the habit of looking down at my
(32:42):
shoes and looking down at my feet, because in those
moments when I'm really overwhelmed, I have to remind myself, Amber,
just this moment, just today. What can you focus on today?
That is gratitude. That is a gift. What, even in
this triggered situation can I be thankful for? And tomorrow
(33:05):
will have enough trouble for itself. The Lord will help
me in that moment too. But what is the truth?
I need to remember? I'll often think, okay, what is
my trigger and what is a spiritual truth that I
can apply to it? And so just for today, in
this moment, what do I know is true. And that
does require that I'm abiding with the Lord. I need
(33:27):
to be deeply rooted in him so that it's the
truth of His Word and his comfort that comes to
my heart and mind when I feel like I don't
have other options, right? He's always the best option, but
I want that to be more and more automatic that
I'm leaning on the Lord. I'm staying present in this moment,
and I'm thinking about what is actually true about the
(33:47):
Lord and about my situation right now and my parenting
that can give me hope.
S1 (33:53):
One of the triggers for me is control, you know,
and it's it's I want to be able to control everything,
to control my kids and to control my anger and
control it. Um, but the trigger for me with them
was when they would do something that I wouldn't do,
a choice that they would make that especially as they
grew older. So it was and is a struggle, you know,
(34:16):
as I watch their lives now, and I think part
of the problem of a parent is then allowing your
child to be different. And I'm not talking about sinful
actions or anything like that. It's just like, wait, you
you bought that. You know, you bought Apple instead of windows.
You know, what do you I didn't raise you that
(34:37):
way or vice versa. You know, you bought that car
instead of this over here, or you let your gas
gauge get down to there before you fill up. Why
do you and and to allow them to be different
is part of the process of of letting go I think,
isn't it?
S3 (34:56):
Absolutely. And I think that the key word there for
me is curiosity. So instead of consternation over whatever their
choice may be, that's different from mine. You know, maybe
they have a very different personality than you. You know,
they just operate and function differently. But when we can
shift to curiosity, it's really a blessing. And it builds
(35:19):
a bridge relationally. Because now I'm wondering, hmm, I wonder
why you made that choice. Or tell me more about that.
You know, these are questions. Instead of wanting to go
immediately to a correction of what I think would be
better for them, I get to. Again, it's sort of
that holy pause. You know, there's so much to gain
in slowing down in our reactions and really becoming more
(35:42):
thoughtful because anger is in a hurry. It always wants
to push us to a resolution or to express ourselves.
And it's often done in a way that's, you know,
not going to be healthy spiritually or relationally. And so
to just slow down and to be able to say, hmm,
tell me more about that, or I wonder, you know,
tell me why you made that decision, or tell me
what it means to you that you're going down this path,
(36:04):
you know, or even what do you think the end
result will be if you keep going on that path
or in this direction or making that choice. And those
are really good questions to have. And, you know, oftentimes
I have found that I would have missed out on
really connecting with my child in a beautiful way and
learning something more about them. If I had just jumped
(36:26):
to my own conclusions instead of committing to being more curious.
And practically, this is one of those things where maybe
that's my goal just for the next 30 days, is
that I put that word on my phone as a
reminder curiosity, you know, to really get to know my child.
And if I can't beat them, join them. You know,
I wouldn't want to be doing Minecraft, you know, after school.
(36:51):
But my kid loves it. Why don't I join him
and just see what it's about? Not really my thing,
but I might learn something, um, interesting about him and
connect with him and be able to appreciate him more
instead of being triggered.
S1 (37:03):
Yes. Gary Chapman talks about that with his son and
how he was over the moon. This was years ago,
but over the moon with buddy Holly and Buddy Holly's music.
And rather than why are you listening to that? Gary said, well,
what was what is it about buddy Holly? And they
wound up taking this, uh, this road trip and going
(37:24):
to Texas. I think it was where the buddy Holly
Museum is, you know, and and instead of being judgmental about,
you know, you need to listen to different music. Um,
just be curious about that. That is worth everything you've
said so far. That's worth the whole hour right there
for somebody.
S3 (37:42):
Yay!
S1 (37:43):
Who is it? Is because if you're dealing with a child,
especially a child who's different than you are, you know,
different temperament or whatever, it can be very, very frustrating.
And that's why the book is 60 Days of Transformation
for Moms Who Struggle with Anger. That's the subtitle of Untriggered.
That's why the book will help. It's our featured resource again,
(38:05):
Chris Fabry live. Click through today's information. Chris Fabry lives
more with Amber straight ahead on Moody Radio.
S6 (38:23):
Our guest today on Chris.
S1 (38:24):
Fabry Live is Amber, Leah, Elijah. She's written the book
Untriggered 60 Days of Transformation for Moms Who Struggle with Anger.
I thought it was so practical that I wanted to
talk about it here today. I had something that happened
to me not long ago, Amber, and it was, um,
one of my older daughters who mentioned something that happened
(38:48):
years and years ago, and it was a question that
she had, uh, that she asked me and my reaction
was in anger, and I kind of snapped at her
and what she said, I said sounded like something that
I would say, you know, in a in a moment
(39:09):
of anger. Um, but that cut to the quick. And
I just thought, oh, if I could just have that
opportunity to go back and to to live that over
again and to to be curious, like you just said,
and ask a question, why? Why do you feel that way?
What's going on? That's, you know, if I had that opportunity,
but I don't I can't go back. So what is
(39:31):
a person what a parent who feels guilt do with
something like that?
S3 (39:37):
Um, you know, I have found that kids are very forgiving.
First of all, when we feel like we've really hurt them.
They they are more quick to forgive than we realize.
But there are some things that stick with us. And
I always say, you know, we can't take too much
credit or too much blame. At the end of the day,
(39:58):
when our kids are grown because they ultimately will make
their own choices. But when it comes to forgiveness, um,
it's just a reminder that the Lord is so gracious
to us, and he wants us to be mindful that
he forgives us completely. And so we can go to
(40:21):
our kids and and apologize for those things that we've done.
If we do have grown kids, there's, you know, a
lot of healthy relationship building that can still happen, even
if we have regrets from the past to go and
just say, you know, I and my mom did this,
it was a really healing thing for us when she
came to me years, years later, after I was already
a mom and just said, hey, you know, I recognize
(40:43):
I didn't always say and do the right things. And
and she, you know, brought up some specific things and,
and just apologized. And it was so meaningful to me.
You know, I appreciated her humility in that and was
obviously very quick to forgive and to move forward. You know,
when you have your own kids, you realize how hard
it is, right? Um, but there is so much grace
(41:04):
available for us. And I think about the Lord, um,
the description of him in Psalm 103 where it says,
you know, he has removed our sins as far from
us as the East is from the West. The Lord
is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate
to those who fear him. For he knows how weak
(41:25):
we are. He remembers we are only dust. And that
is very healing for me, because the Lord knows our weaknesses.
And yet there's so much tenderness and compassion, so much
forgiveness for us. There's no issue that the Lord has
forgiven us. We just have a hard time forgiving ourselves.
And so sometimes we just need to come to a
(41:47):
place of peace and say, Lord, I know you. Forgive me.
Help me to forgive myself, and continue to grow my
relationship in a healthy way with my child so that
we have a no regrets moving forward.
S1 (42:01):
That that whole forgiving yourself. And we talked about this
with Derwin yesterday as well. It's it's it's the way
that I couch it is. Am I going to believe
the truth here or not. Am I going to believe
it's all up to me and my performance? You know,
with God? Or am I going to believe that he
truly does forgive me and delights in me as his child?
(42:23):
You know, if I'm in Christ, then I have Christ's
righteousness on me, even though in the flesh you know,
I do things that that don't please him. Am I
going to believe that? Or am I going to believe
what the enemy wants me to believe? And that is, hey,
you're a jerk. You know, you're you're not. God doesn't
love you. That type of thing, right?
S3 (42:41):
Yeah. The truth is, there's nothing that we can do
or not do action wise that will change the way
and how much God loves us and views us as
his children. We are completely forgiven. He. His grace is unearned, right?
That's the whole point. And so if we rob him
(43:02):
of the freedom in that relationship to enjoy his forgiveness,
then that's a really sad position to be in. We
want to be able to say, yeah, the Lord has
forgiven me. He has given me this grace. And this
is not at the end of the day about my works.
Anything that I do or don't do. And he knows
and understands what I'm facing. And he went through a
(43:25):
lot of these same struggles. He's he relates to me
in this, and he's a safe place for me to
go to and I can walk in freedom.
S1 (43:33):
Here's my takeaway from our conversation today. Amber. And it's
for for parents. Absolutely. But it's also for any other
relationship you have with people you work with or your
your marriage people down the street, and that is which
do you want shut down or open up? Do you
want the other person on the other side, your child,
(43:54):
to shut down from something that you've said that you
lash out, or do you want them to be open
with you and to share from their heart? If you
can get to that place, then you're feeling anger. Then
the curiosity can take over and you can say, can
you tell me more about can you explain to me
a little bit more about why you did this or that,
or the other thing? If you can get to there,
(44:17):
then you move away from that. The anger or the
judgment and more of the the love that you want
to show to the other person, I think.
S3 (44:27):
Yes. And it also impacts their behavior ultimately, because if
I get angry at them, instead of being calm and
correcting them in love, now they're distracted from learning the
lesson because they're getting angry at me now. Now my
anger is actually giving them the opportunity to not allow
(44:48):
the the behavior to sink in, you know, for them
to take ownership and responsibility. But when we give space
for calm Um, and we become curious and we allow
them to think about what they're doing, or we allow
ourselves to connect with them and to seek understanding. We
can actually move forward in some practical and spiritual ways,
(45:09):
which is really what we want. We don't want to
create drama and cycles of anger and frustration. We want
to understand. We want to relate in loving ways and
we want to help them grow.
S1 (45:19):
Hey, you know what I've just figured out, Amber? That
that's what this program is. It's a holy pause in
the middle of your day. Have a holy pause and
have a conversation at the back fence. Very helpful. Thank
you for coming alongside. You're not the only one who
struggled with anger. Uh, friend, as you listen to this,
you've heard what Amber has said. Untriggered is the book.
(45:41):
It's the featured resource at fabriclive. Org and one more question.
So you get to a place where you never are
triggered again. You never have anger. Is that true, Amber?
S3 (45:53):
The triggers will be there, but we don't have to
be forced into these angry reactions anymore. We get to
remain calm and kind. The triggers will come. They'll change.
They'll always be there. But it doesn't have to be
a state of being for us to be triggered. We
can be untriggered.
S6 (46:12):
I love the.
S1 (46:13):
Chapter. Overwhelm is a choice, and you can find that
at the book. In the book Untriggered 60 Days of
Transformation for Moms Who Struggle with anger. Featured resource Chris Fabry. Amber,
thanks for being with us today. God bless you friend.
S3 (46:30):
Thank you Chris. God bless you.
S1 (46:33):
Tomorrow another friend is going to come along and help
us declutter not just your home, but your heart as well.
Can't wait for that. On Chris Fabry live production of
Moody Radio, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute.
Amber is going to be on us today. Amber is
going to be vulnerable because as much as Amber loved
being a mom and love her kids, she was often
overwhelmed by frustration and anger that undermined her mothering. And
she felt alone, like she was the only one who
struggled with this. So when she got angry and lashed
out at her kids, she felt guilt and shame. Have
(00:29):
you been there? Are you there right now? Well, Amber
is here to help you. If you feel like anger
has gotten the best of you and that you can't
be a good mom. It's all over. You've scarred your
kids for life. There's no hope. I want you to
hear Amber's story straight ahead on Chris Faber Live. The
program from the heart to the heart for the heart.
Welcome to the radio backyard fence. Big thank you to
(00:51):
our team. Ryan McConaughey doing all things technical. Tricia is
our producer. Deb Solomon is in the chair today. Anthony
will be answering your calls. Goals. Do you have a
prodigal child or grandchild? A couple of weeks ago, we
aired Doctor Erwin Lutzer conversation, and he mentioned a prayer
group called Pop's Parents of Prodigals. He led that group
(01:12):
years ago, and I think his story may encourage you today.
Here's Doctor Lutzer.
S2 (01:17):
We didn't see a lot of changed lives after our deep,
heartfelt intercession, but even months and years later, people met
me and said, do you remember the prodigal child I had,
that daughter that I had? Well, she has come back
to the Lord now and she's walking with God. So
people become discouraged. Parents become discouraged. You know, I've been
(01:40):
praying for my son for a year and look at
what's happening. Keep praying. Yes, God may answer the prayer quickly,
but he may take his time in doing it. But
he's testing us as to whether or not we're going
to continue to persist and say, I will not give
up until I see the answer.
S1 (02:01):
For one more week, we are offering Doctor Losers a
Practical guide for praying parents little book, but it'll take
you from being an anxious parent to being a praying parent.
The anxiety can turn into trust in your heavenly father,
give a gift of any size, or become a back
(02:21):
fence partner at Christmas. I'd love to send you a
copy of A Practical Guide for Praying parents. Hurry! The
end of the month is coming! Chris Fabry, Livorno. Or
we did a program on hurry and how you shouldn't hurry,
so let me amend that. So take advantage of this
now call 866958669532279. And if you don't get in before
(02:49):
the end of April, don't get angry about it. Listen
to Amber Leah. She is a former English teacher, now
author speaker. She's written books such as Food Triggers and
Parenting Scripts. Her latest is untriggered 60 Days of Transformation
for Moms Who Struggle with Anger. She lives in Chattanooga
(03:09):
with her husband and four boys. Amber, welcome to the program.
How are you doing today?
S3 (03:15):
Thank you. Chris, I am so glad to be here.
I'm feeling good and ready to hopefully give some hope
to some moms and dads out there.
S1 (03:24):
Is how I described your situation right there at the start.
Is that a fair representation? You had anger boiling inside
and you felt alone?
S3 (03:34):
Absolutely. Which was such a shock for me because I
had been a teacher for about a decade before. I
had my own children, and I had these dreams and
visions of what parenting would be like. And I thought,
this is going to be amazing. I'm going to be
a wonderful mom. And in some ways I was, but
(03:54):
I was caught off guard by how often I was
triggered and how angry I would get, and I just
found myself struggling with like, I love the Lord. Why
am I treating my kids this way? I felt a
lot of guilt. And eventually God took me on a
journey of of transformation. And it was a rough, you know,
(04:17):
road for quite a while in my early parenting days.
But there is a lot of hope for change.
S1 (04:22):
Okay, that word, that t word you just used. Transformation.
That's what I'm going for. That's what I want. That's
what I need. And I know our listeners are saying
the same thing. I don't need three steps for hints.
Life hack, this or that. What I need is to
be changed from the inside out and that that is
hard to see if you're in the middle of anger.
(04:45):
And why can't my kids just do what I tell
them to do?
S3 (04:50):
It is. And this whole process of parenting, while Well,
there's many blessings in it and it's a delight. And
it's a gift. It really is about my sanctification. And
there is going to be a journey and a process
through growth. And at the end of the day, that
is a blessing. But a lot of us are not
(05:10):
prepared for some of these challenges that we face when
we're triggered. And that anger rises up.
S1 (05:17):
Throughout the book. You have these questions of and this
is a devotional, for instance, why 60 days? Why couldn't
you do this in 30 days?
S3 (05:27):
Well, you know, you might be able to, but we've
most of us have been struggling with triggers for quite
a while. We've felt this frustration and been a bit helpless.
And that's a good stretch of time for most of us.
And so for for to lean in for 60 days,
I've just seen that intentionality. That's when these new habits
(05:51):
really form, when God does that day by day, renewing
of our mind and connecting with us in our heart.
It's just the perfect amount of days we felt as
a team with my publisher to really reach moms. Because
a month in and we're starting to awaken, we're starting
(06:12):
to practice some new things and to see God work.
And really, by the end of 60 days, it's really
taking root. And that's what we want. We want this
to take root. So that transformation really does happen.
S1 (06:24):
So there is a parallel. You are a certified independent
health coach. There's a parallel between what you're talking about
with the anger inside and dealing with that in 60
days and getting on some kind of a regimen of
exercise and diet and doing that for more than just
a week or the month of January and then setting
(06:44):
it aside. There's something about the long term, as you say,
let it take root that really does something inside.
S3 (06:52):
Yeah. You know, I like the word lifestyle because whether
it's dealing with our health issues or, um, parenting, other relationships, even,
there has to be sort of this shift, you know,
as a culture, I think we really like the overnight success.
We like the quick shipping that happens when we order something,
(07:13):
but our bodies and our minds and our spiritual growth
is more complex than that. And so we sort of
have to slow down a little bit and think, you know,
this is is as long as it takes, you know,
even parenting takes a childhood, right? A childhood is like
18 years or more. And so we when we give
ourselves a little bit of, of grace to be patient
(07:36):
with the process and to learn something new day by day,
whether it's healthier habits or a healthier way of relating
to my child when I'm triggered, it's going to take time.
And that's okay. We don't have to be in such
a hurry.
S1 (07:52):
The, uh, with just about every devotional, you give questions.
You give things that will slow you down to get
you to think more. And one of the questions was,
what were the top three things that you're triggered by?
Or what are the top three things that your kids
trigger inside of you? So let me give that to
you as you look back and your kids are now
(08:15):
18 down to eight for boys. What were the things
that were triggered inside of you? What were the circumstances
that caused you to get angry?
S3 (08:26):
Such a good question, Chris. And I hate to say it,
but I had so many triggers when my kids were little,
and I began to recognize that there were both internal
triggers and these sort of external triggers. So sometimes it
was just my own internal conflict, you know, um, I'm
(08:47):
dealing with a friendship that maybe is struggling. And so
then it could be very easy for me to shift
that frustration to my children. It had nothing to do
with them. It was my own internal thing. Sometimes it
was external, you know, the messy house or the boys
wrestling on my couch and knocking over a vase, you know?
And so there were a lot of different things for me.
(09:09):
I was really challenged by the sibling rivalry that would
happen among my kids, especially as boys. You know, we
have four boys, so we affectionately call it a testosterone. Uh,
and it is there's a lot of noise, a lot of, uh,
activity going on. And for me as a female, that
would often grate on me. And so that was one
(09:32):
of my big triggers. And sometimes it was even just,
you know, we had a transition in life where we
moved to a small town and nothing seemed familiar. And
that was a big trigger season for me, as I
was just trying to get my feet underneath me again.
So in every season. You know, we may have triggers
that shift and change, but if we can learn how
to walk in the spirit when we're faced with those
(09:54):
triggers so that we are untriggered by those moments, we
can actually use them to grow closer to the Lord
and to parent in a gentle, biblical way that is gold.
S1 (10:06):
Amber just used the title of the book. It's going
to be a life changer, a help to a lot
of moms who are listening, who deal with anger, who
feel like, oh, I'm all alone in this. It's triggered
60 days of transformation for moms who struggle with anger.
Here's a question that Amber is going to answer in
our second next segment, the defining moment when you realized,
(10:30):
I really need to deal with this in my life.
What was that for Amber? I think the answer is
going to help you today. And if you're right in
the middle of this, if you feel this anger bubbling
up inside of you, here's the number 877 75483675. We'd
love to hear from you today. (877) 548-3675.
S4 (11:03):
This is Chris Fabry.
S1 (11:04):
Live on Moody Radio. Thanks a lot for joining us today.
The back fence I love how sometimes our programs will
dovetail one one day will lead to the next day.
Or we'll do something last week that really informs yesterday.
Derwin gray talked about Lit Up With Love and how
when you have a heart filled with the love of God,
then you look at other people differently, especially people who
(11:27):
don't know him and people who do as well. And
it's the same thing right here. If you got a
heart full of anger, if you're stirred up with anger,
there's no relationship really that you have from strangers on
the street or, you know, the person who cuts you
off in traffic to your children, the children, the people
that you really love. This is going to bubble up
in your life. So that's why Amber Leah Elijah wrote
(11:51):
the book Untriggered 60 Days of Transformation for Moms Who
Struggle With Anger. And I think, dads, you can be
helped by it as well. We have it linked at
Chris Fabry Livorno. Tell me the defining moment that led
you to address this in your life. Amber.
S3 (12:11):
You know, Chris, it almost makes me cry when I
go back in time. And I think about this moment, um,
because I remember it so vividly. My husband had moved
us to a small town on the central coast of California. Um,
in that season, I had three little boys at the time,
four years old and under, and I wasn't getting much
(12:33):
sleep at night. I didn't have a lot of friends
because I was new in town, and I was still
trying to get my act together. And I remember my
husband walking out the front door and he was, you know,
ready for work. He had a nice lunch packed. He
had his suit on. He smelled good. He looked good.
(12:54):
And off he went. And I shut the door and
I leaned back against it. And I looked out and
I saw my little boys. And the house was a mess,
which was a problem for me. I felt like I
was never able to stay on top of things, and
I was still in my pajamas, which honestly, I had
been in for a couple days at that point. And the,
(13:15):
you know, one of the kids was fussing and then
there were all these toys strewn about, and I just
looked out and I thought, this is not life to
the full. I felt inside all of this angst and frustration,
I started snapping. I was I was a mess and
the mess was making a mess out of me. So
I ended up, you know, all of a sudden hearing
(13:37):
this knock on the door. And I froze because I thought,
oh my goodness. You know, it can't be Guy my
husband because I know he's gone. And I was worried
that maybe someone had overheard me snapping or raising my voice,
or they looked in the window and saw all this disarray.
And I turned around and I looked through the peephole
and lo and behold, it's my neighbor from down the street.
(14:01):
And thankfully, he was a much older gentleman. He wore
hearing aids, and I thought, okay, maybe he didn't hear me,
and I'm saved and I don't have to be so embarrassed.
I opened the door. He, you know, is returning something
that he had borrowed from my husband. I said goodbye
and he went on his way. But I remember shutting
the door again after that and just going, okay, Lord,
enough is enough. I don't want to live with this shame.
(14:23):
I want to be a better mom. I want to
honor you. I love my kids too much to be
like this. And so I got to work. I took
that little nap time that my kids would take, which
was short but sweet. And often I would just want
to take a break or catch up on some housework
or something, and I said, nope, I'm going to get
back to being in the word. I'm going to find out.
(14:43):
What does God say about anger and how does he
treat me as my loving father? And I pleaded with
him to change me, and he showed up. And he did.
S1 (14:55):
How did he show up?
S3 (14:58):
Well, he began to give me wisdom. And I just
want to say that that is not just a cliche,
Pat saying, you know, the Word of God says that
the Lord will give to us generously when we ask
for wisdom. And so I told him, I said, the
things I'm doing aren't working. I keep getting caught up
in this same cycle, and I need you to break
(15:18):
that cycle, and I need you to give me practical
wisdom and insight of how to be the kind of
mom that you want me to be. And as I
took those few minutes every day and I started looking
at Bible verses like, you know, Proverbs 15 one, um,
a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word
stirs up anger and I was like, ding ding, ding ding.
(15:40):
That resonates with me because every time my kids are
upset and then I'm upset right back at him. Now
we've got two tantrums going on and we're adding fuel
to the flame and everybody's getting angrier. But when I
would pause and I would calm down and I would say, okay,
I'm going to approach my child with a soft answer.
I'm going to quiet my voice. I'm going to speak
(16:00):
more tenderly. And I reflected on, you know, that's how
God treats me. He didn't just, you know, discipline me
harshly and immediately. Every time I messed up, he was
very long suffering with me. And so I began to
just apply those verses in practical ways and really take
it to heart. And God changed my heart and my behavior.
S1 (16:22):
So when you when you got angry, then from from
then on, as God started to work on you, when
you'd get angry, you know, the next time you're tempted
to say, oh, well, I've blown it, you know, I'm
back where I started with all those times ago. God's
not working on me, that kind of thing. And that
wasn't true. The the struggle is part of the process.
(16:45):
And the struggle is evidence that he is at work. Right?
S3 (16:50):
Absolutely. And I think that, um, our enemy, you know,
Satan really works overtime in our minds, especially moms who
struggle in this area because he's our accuser and he
wants to start telling us that it's hopeless and he'll
try to tell us that we're no good at this
and we'll never change, or we've already done too much damage.
(17:10):
And those are lies that we have to be really
mindful to just take those thoughts captive and make them
obedient to Christ. You know, Jesus is is our Savior.
He saves us from ourselves. Um, he is our Redeemer.
You know, he brings and creates us into something new.
And so just to have that hopeful mindset that, yeah,
(17:31):
this is a struggle for me, but it's not the
full story. I can be patient with this process. It
says day by day to be renewed. And so just
to be patient with that process and to let God
do his work, we have to yield to the perfecting
process instead of seeking perfection overnight.
S1 (17:50):
And the outcome. I want the outcome. I want it
right now that make me not angry. I'm getting angry because,
you know, as you're talking here, Amber, I'm thinking of
the parallels between someone who struggles with some addiction and
I think of of alcohol. For a lot of people,
sobriety is what they want. They want to be sober.
And that's a long process. And it takes, you know,
(18:13):
it takes hard work, but it almost seems like the
same thing with this thing of anger. There is a
sobriety that you have to choose to walk toward. Is
that close to what you experienced?
S3 (18:28):
Absolutely. And it's a very similar parallel, um, with other
kinds of addiction, as you said. And for me, when
I was going through this between me and the Lord,
I recognized that I first had to get control of
myself before I could try to control my kids or
(18:49):
anything else in my environment. And so I began very
simply with just I like to call it this holy pause,
where I basically is a mommy timeout, right where if
I started to feel myself tense because it is a
visceral reaction that we have in our bodies when we
start to be triggered, that my first step was Amber.
(19:10):
Just get to a place of calm. You know you can't.
You need to correct your own thoughts and behavior before
you can even correct your child. And so I would
just do this. I'd tell myself, Amber, Holy pause. First,
you know, stop, take a deep breath and just breathe
until you feel that peace come. You know, invite the Lord,
(19:30):
just like, Lord, I'm struggling. I need your help. Take
a breath. Step away. ZIP my lip until I can
speak in a way that I know is going to
breathe life into my child. So. And that is a process,
you know, and allow that to take as long as
it takes. So that the first response now. So now
when my kids trigger me or something external triggers me,
(19:51):
I automatically am very calm and I'm thinking, hmm, I
wonder what this is really about. I need to just
breathe and think through this and then make a response,
make a choice that's actually going to be beneficial for everybody.
S4 (20:07):
Yes.
S1 (20:07):
See, that's to get to that place is it's it's
almost superhuman for most of us because we live our
lives on this treadmill of doing and we have all
this external stimuli that's coming in, and we've got to
get this done. We got our list to make and
everything to be able to say, hmm, something's going on
here and I don't know what it is. I think
I'll stop. I'll take a holy pause. That's a that's
(20:29):
a breakthrough right there. And for somebody who's listening and
you're dealing with anger or whatever it is that you're
dealing with, this happens with food, a trigger for food.
You know, I really want to have this, you know,
this sweet thing over here because and why do you
want that? Stop and pause and think about it. The
book is Untriggered 60 Days of Transformation for Moms Who
(20:50):
Struggle with Anger. Click through today's information right there at
the website. Chris Fabbri. Fabbri. Chris. Fabbri. Amber I'm going
to bring in some friends here who are walking this
trail with you. Kenda is on the line. Kenda why
did you call today?
S5 (21:10):
Well, thank you for having me. Um, so I find
that my son, I became a parent overnight with him.
My brother passed and his mother had abandoned him and um,
his biological mother. And for, um, he lost my brother
and I stepped in, and he's now nine. He turned
nine in December, And, um, bedtime because he plays sports
(21:32):
and stuff. Bedtime and dinner seem to be the worst. Um,
but I ask him over and over again, can you
please get ready? First time obedience. I try to be calm,
and it seems as if he just doesn't take me
seriously unless I raise my voice. And then I recently
kind of tried to do what you guys were calling
as a holy pause and and just saying, you need
(21:52):
to go do this. You need to take your bath,
you need to shower and walking out. And then he
screams hysterically, you know, because he wants me right there.
And I'm not even saying it in an angry way. Um,
so just wondering how how do I get that obedience?
And and it's difficult because I come home from work
and I am. I've never been married. I'm single. I'm
playing both the nurturer and the disciplinarian, and I'm just
(22:15):
trying to find that balance and how to do it
the way God would have us to do it. And
he's very tender. Um, but he's also very strong willed
and so, so any advice you might be able to
give me? And, you know, we're talking about addiction. You know,
the difference between that is there's some accountability. I don't know,
how do I have somebody hold me accountable in this
area or how do I. It's not like it's horrific, but.
S1 (22:37):
Well, and.
S5 (22:38):
That it's.
S1 (22:38):
The whole thing of being alone. You know, you are
alone because you're a single mom and you're struggling, you know.
So I and I just want to say to you
before Amber answers. God bless you, friend, for doing what
you're doing, for stepping into his life. This little boy,
there's something, something good's going to happen in his life.
And you may not be able to see that right now,
but I can just tell there's something God is going
(23:00):
to do, something in his heart and in his life
because you're there. So I want to encourage you with that. Now, Amber,
what do you say?
S3 (23:09):
Yes, Kenda, I'm already so amazed by you. What a
good mom you are already that. Here you are listening. Um.
Seeking wisdom. You know he's. He is a blessed little
boy already to have you in his life. So, so
well done. You know, I think that one of the
best things tools that I've been able to use with
my kids when there's some pushback. You know, they're trying to, um,
(23:32):
set up their own independence in a lot of these struggles, right?
And so you kind of think of it as this
tug of war a little bit. And I think it's
really important to drop the rope and not pull them
in your direction instead to offer them choices. I like
to give my child two reasonable choices that would be
(23:52):
acceptable to me. So I would say things like, do
you want to take a bath or do you want
to take a shower? Or would you like to take
your bath first or have your story first tonight? Um,
anytime that they can do, you know, make a decision
for themselves so that they're a part of it with you. So,
so often we think I'm the authority. I have to
(24:12):
tell them everything that they have to do. But if
we do that over and over, long term, they're not
going to be very productive, responsible adults either. And they
won't have good, healthy self-esteem because they won't know how
to make decisions for themselves either. So you're actually winning
in a lot of ways when you give them a
little bit of control, giving them some control, um, does
(24:32):
not remove your control or your authority, but giving them
some healthy options as often as you can often removes
a lot of that struggle and that pushback.
S1 (24:42):
And you know what? You know why that is. And
I this is so great, Amber, because I wrote down
two words give choices after I heard her. So you
went there is absolutely right. It's like, okay, so, uh, Bobby,
we have a half hour between now and when you
go to bed, and we got to do this and
this and this. Which one do you want to do first?
(25:04):
Do you want to take your shower first or do
you want to take it, you know, before, uh, that
type of thing. But the other thing that I'm thinking
about from his shoes and his moccasins, he has an
awful lot of loss. You know, he's lost his father.
His his mother has abandoned him. There is a lot
of things that are simply out of his control, and
(25:26):
so him getting angry at the end of the day
and trying to gain some control is like totally understandable
that this this kid is really hurting inside and may
not even know it. So, uh, hang on, Kendall, I
want to talk with you in the middle of the break, and, uh,
stay on the line. I want to get your address
because we're going to send you a copy of Untriggered
(25:48):
by Amber Leah Moore. Straight ahead. We're talking about moms
and anger today on Chris Fabry Live.
S4 (26:06):
And here's the truth.
S1 (26:07):
There are inner struggles hanging around your life and mind
that influence us every day. These triggers, these flashpoints of
the past that kind of rise up and affect the present.
The people at Carenet work with women and men who
are making decisions about an unborn child. But they're pro
abundant life approach means they're not just for the baby.
(26:28):
They are, but they're for everybody in that equation. April
is abortion recovery awareness month. And if you click the
Green care net link at Livorno, you can download a
free copy of forgiven and Set Free. Maybe you or
someone you know need to receive and live in the
forgiveness that God is offering. Click that Green Care Net
(26:52):
link today at Chris Fabry Livorno. Chris Fabry Livorno. We
were talking in the break with Kenda, who has is
a single mom and she's raising this son and feels
like she's doing a bad job. And Amber Leah is
with me. She's written untriggered. We both agree. She's doing
(27:14):
a great job, don't you think, Amber?
S3 (27:16):
She's doing a fantastic job. You can just hear her
heart come through and I tell you that there's going
to be some really wonderful days ahead in that that
mom son relationship, for sure.
S1 (27:27):
Yeah. But the thing that she mentioned in the break
is that, you know, she's she's working, she's she's doing both,
you know, mom and dad to her son who's nine
years old now and she's doing the soccer thing, you know,
sports things after school things. And there is this exhaustion
that comes when you feel she feels like, um, you know,
(27:50):
I'm always on, and I never have a break. That's
a that's a clue that that there there needs to
be space in there. Right?
S3 (28:00):
Absolutely. And I think it's important to recognize that it
is okay to say no to some things in certain seasons,
if we feel like we are so exhausted that we're
no good to anybody because we're not able to really
take care of ourselves. You know, we see all through
scripture the importance of rest. That said, there are seasons
(28:21):
of life where that's not as possible. You know, especially
for single parents, that exhaustion can feel so tangible and
we don't know a way around it. And so, you know,
I like to remind myself and others that, you know,
true peace and restoration is not really the absence of
(28:42):
conflict or even a good night's sleep. It's really a
condition of the heart. And we have an incredibly eternal
resource of strength and refreshment in the Word of God
and through the Holy Spirit. And so for me, you know,
(29:03):
I have to cling hard to the Lord in seasons
of exhaustion. And I remember very vividly there was, um,
one night when my oldest son was a baby. He
had extreme colic and reflux. He didn't sleep through the
night till he was three for the first time, and
I just felt like I was an absolute zombie. Like
(29:23):
there was a reason that they used lack of sleep
with prisoners of war, right? It's like a form of torture.
And I just begged the Lord to give me an
opportunity for rest and to get my feet back underneath me,
and it just would never come. It was relentless, and
I just was at my wit's end. Talk about being triggered.
And so I just remember asking the Lord and pleading
(29:45):
with him, please help me help this child go to sleep.
And I just remember him very gently as I was
rocking him in the rocking chair, you know, 3 a.m.
in the morning. I just felt the Lord speak to
my heart. Amber, let me hold you while you hold him.
This is a beautiful gift and a privilege for you
to hold him all through the night. You always wanted
(30:06):
to be a mom. You had to wait for it
a lot longer than you thought you would. And this
is going to be hard. He's not going to get
the sleep that you want, but you can do this.
And when you are exhausted, I will be your strength.
I will be your spring of living water. And I
will walk with you through this. Even if I don't
(30:27):
remove it from you. And that will be, I think,
our story in many different seasons of parenting.
S1 (30:34):
What happened that first night when he was three? When
he slept through the night.
S3 (30:39):
We thought something was wrong. What's going on? This isn't normal.
But it was glorious, man. I'll tell you what. And now,
of course, he's 17 and we have to work hard
to wake him up. So there's hope out there. For
those of you that have littles, they do get their sleep.
Just wait till they're teens.
S1 (30:55):
Was your husband somebody who could sleep through anything?
S3 (30:59):
Oh man. To this day, and in any position I
might add, it doesn't matter. He could be sitting up
straight in a hard backed chair and and sleep, you know,
right through. Um, any kind of cry that the baby might,
might be having, but not me. I mean, I was
on high alert. I think it's a mom thing.
S1 (31:17):
Yeah. You know, a lot of this comes back to
when you think about your life and the child and
being the parent, and even heard it in Kennedy's voice.
It's like, I really want to get this right. I
want to do this right because it depends on me.
And if that's true, then, you know, there's reason for
anxiety and a lot of angst. But if you have
(31:39):
a sovereign Heavenly Father who is watching over you and
who really is in control, and we aren't, we have
to come to that kicking and screaming that it doesn't
all depend on us. And I'm not saying be a
laissez faire parent at all. What I'm saying is when
you lean into that, he is sovereign and I'm not.
(32:01):
It gives you the ability to relax and be able
to rest in a sense that some of the things
that are going on with the anger or whatever the circumstances,
that this is in his hands and I can trust
him even though I feel a lot of tension. Does
that make sense?
S3 (32:21):
Absolutely. And you know, God's promise to us is that
he will give us everything that we need for life
and for godliness. He is going to give us what
we need. We may not always get what we want,
but we will always have what we need. And I
often am in the habit of looking down at my
(32:42):
shoes and looking down at my feet, because in those
moments when I'm really overwhelmed, I have to remind myself, Amber,
just this moment, just today. What can you focus on today?
That is gratitude. That is a gift. What, even in
this triggered situation can I be thankful for? And tomorrow
(33:05):
will have enough trouble for itself. The Lord will help
me in that moment too. But what is the truth?
I need to remember? I'll often think, okay, what is
my trigger and what is a spiritual truth that I
can apply to it? And so just for today, in
this moment, what do I know is true. And that
does require that I'm abiding with the Lord. I need
(33:27):
to be deeply rooted in him so that it's the
truth of His Word and his comfort that comes to
my heart and mind when I feel like I don't
have other options, right? He's always the best option, but
I want that to be more and more automatic that
I'm leaning on the Lord. I'm staying present in this moment,
and I'm thinking about what is actually true about the
(33:47):
Lord and about my situation right now and my parenting
that can give me hope.
S1 (33:53):
One of the triggers for me is control, you know,
and it's it's I want to be able to control everything,
to control my kids and to control my anger and
control it. Um, but the trigger for me with them
was when they would do something that I wouldn't do,
a choice that they would make that especially as they
grew older. So it was and is a struggle, you know,
(34:16):
as I watch their lives now, and I think part
of the problem of a parent is then allowing your
child to be different. And I'm not talking about sinful
actions or anything like that. It's just like, wait, you
you bought that. You know, you bought Apple instead of windows.
You know, what do you I didn't raise you that
(34:37):
way or vice versa. You know, you bought that car
instead of this over here, or you let your gas
gauge get down to there before you fill up. Why
do you and and to allow them to be different
is part of the process of of letting go I think,
isn't it?
S3 (34:56):
Absolutely. And I think that the key word there for
me is curiosity. So instead of consternation over whatever their
choice may be, that's different from mine. You know, maybe
they have a very different personality than you. You know,
they just operate and function differently. But when we can
shift to curiosity, it's really a blessing. And it builds
(35:19):
a bridge relationally. Because now I'm wondering, hmm, I wonder
why you made that choice. Or tell me more about that.
You know, these are questions. Instead of wanting to go
immediately to a correction of what I think would be
better for them, I get to. Again, it's sort of
that holy pause. You know, there's so much to gain
in slowing down in our reactions and really becoming more
(35:42):
thoughtful because anger is in a hurry. It always wants
to push us to a resolution or to express ourselves.
And it's often done in a way that's, you know,
not going to be healthy spiritually or relationally. And so
to just slow down and to be able to say, hmm,
tell me more about that, or I wonder, you know,
tell me why you made that decision, or tell me
what it means to you that you're going down this path,
(36:04):
you know, or even what do you think the end
result will be if you keep going on that path
or in this direction or making that choice. And those
are really good questions to have. And, you know, oftentimes
I have found that I would have missed out on
really connecting with my child in a beautiful way and
learning something more about them. If I had just jumped
(36:26):
to my own conclusions instead of committing to being more curious.
And practically, this is one of those things where maybe
that's my goal just for the next 30 days, is
that I put that word on my phone as a
reminder curiosity, you know, to really get to know my child.
And if I can't beat them, join them. You know,
I wouldn't want to be doing Minecraft, you know, after school.
(36:51):
But my kid loves it. Why don't I join him
and just see what it's about? Not really my thing,
but I might learn something, um, interesting about him and
connect with him and be able to appreciate him more
instead of being triggered.
S1 (37:03):
Yes. Gary Chapman talks about that with his son and
how he was over the moon. This was years ago,
but over the moon with buddy Holly and Buddy Holly's music.
And rather than why are you listening to that? Gary said, well,
what was what is it about buddy Holly? And they
wound up taking this, uh, this road trip and going
(37:24):
to Texas. I think it was where the buddy Holly
Museum is, you know, and and instead of being judgmental about,
you know, you need to listen to different music. Um,
just be curious about that. That is worth everything you've
said so far. That's worth the whole hour right there
for somebody.
S3 (37:42):
Yay!
S1 (37:43):
Who is it? Is because if you're dealing with a child,
especially a child who's different than you are, you know,
different temperament or whatever, it can be very, very frustrating.
And that's why the book is 60 Days of Transformation
for Moms Who Struggle with Anger. That's the subtitle of Untriggered.
That's why the book will help. It's our featured resource again,
(38:05):
Chris Fabry live. Click through today's information. Chris Fabry lives
more with Amber straight ahead on Moody Radio.
S6 (38:23):
Our guest today on Chris.
S1 (38:24):
Fabry Live is Amber, Leah, Elijah. She's written the book
Untriggered 60 Days of Transformation for Moms Who Struggle with Anger.
I thought it was so practical that I wanted to
talk about it here today. I had something that happened
to me not long ago, Amber, and it was, um,
one of my older daughters who mentioned something that happened
(38:48):
years and years ago, and it was a question that
she had, uh, that she asked me and my reaction
was in anger, and I kind of snapped at her
and what she said, I said sounded like something that
I would say, you know, in a in a moment
(39:09):
of anger. Um, but that cut to the quick. And
I just thought, oh, if I could just have that
opportunity to go back and to to live that over
again and to to be curious, like you just said,
and ask a question, why? Why do you feel that way?
What's going on? That's, you know, if I had that opportunity,
but I don't I can't go back. So what is
(39:31):
a person what a parent who feels guilt do with
something like that?
S3 (39:37):
Um, you know, I have found that kids are very forgiving.
First of all, when we feel like we've really hurt them.
They they are more quick to forgive than we realize.
But there are some things that stick with us. And
I always say, you know, we can't take too much
credit or too much blame. At the end of the day,
(39:58):
when our kids are grown because they ultimately will make
their own choices. But when it comes to forgiveness, um,
it's just a reminder that the Lord is so gracious
to us, and he wants us to be mindful that
he forgives us completely. And so we can go to
(40:21):
our kids and and apologize for those things that we've done.
If we do have grown kids, there's, you know, a
lot of healthy relationship building that can still happen, even
if we have regrets from the past to go and
just say, you know, I and my mom did this,
it was a really healing thing for us when she
came to me years, years later, after I was already
a mom and just said, hey, you know, I recognize
(40:43):
I didn't always say and do the right things. And
and she, you know, brought up some specific things and,
and just apologized. And it was so meaningful to me.
You know, I appreciated her humility in that and was
obviously very quick to forgive and to move forward. You know,
when you have your own kids, you realize how hard
it is, right? Um, but there is so much grace
(41:04):
available for us. And I think about the Lord, um,
the description of him in Psalm 103 where it says,
you know, he has removed our sins as far from
us as the East is from the West. The Lord
is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate
to those who fear him. For he knows how weak
(41:25):
we are. He remembers we are only dust. And that
is very healing for me, because the Lord knows our weaknesses.
And yet there's so much tenderness and compassion, so much
forgiveness for us. There's no issue that the Lord has
forgiven us. We just have a hard time forgiving ourselves.
And so sometimes we just need to come to a
(41:47):
place of peace and say, Lord, I know you. Forgive me.
Help me to forgive myself, and continue to grow my
relationship in a healthy way with my child so that
we have a no regrets moving forward.
S1 (42:01):
That that whole forgiving yourself. And we talked about this
with Derwin yesterday as well. It's it's it's the way
that I couch it is. Am I going to believe
the truth here or not. Am I going to believe
it's all up to me and my performance? You know,
with God? Or am I going to believe that he
truly does forgive me and delights in me as his child?
(42:23):
You know, if I'm in Christ, then I have Christ's
righteousness on me, even though in the flesh you know,
I do things that that don't please him. Am I
going to believe that? Or am I going to believe
what the enemy wants me to believe? And that is, hey,
you're a jerk. You know, you're you're not. God doesn't
love you. That type of thing, right?
S3 (42:41):
Yeah. The truth is, there's nothing that we can do
or not do action wise that will change the way
and how much God loves us and views us as
his children. We are completely forgiven. He. His grace is unearned, right?
That's the whole point. And so if we rob him
(43:02):
of the freedom in that relationship to enjoy his forgiveness,
then that's a really sad position to be in. We
want to be able to say, yeah, the Lord has
forgiven me. He has given me this grace. And this
is not at the end of the day about my works.
Anything that I do or don't do. And he knows
and understands what I'm facing. And he went through a
(43:25):
lot of these same struggles. He's he relates to me
in this, and he's a safe place for me to
go to and I can walk in freedom.
S1 (43:33):
Here's my takeaway from our conversation today. Amber. And it's
for for parents. Absolutely. But it's also for any other
relationship you have with people you work with or your
your marriage people down the street, and that is which
do you want shut down or open up? Do you
want the other person on the other side, your child,
(43:54):
to shut down from something that you've said that you
lash out, or do you want them to be open
with you and to share from their heart? If you
can get to that place, then you're feeling anger. Then
the curiosity can take over and you can say, can
you tell me more about can you explain to me
a little bit more about why you did this or that,
or the other thing? If you can get to there,
(44:17):
then you move away from that. The anger or the
judgment and more of the the love that you want
to show to the other person, I think.
S3 (44:27):
Yes. And it also impacts their behavior ultimately, because if
I get angry at them, instead of being calm and
correcting them in love, now they're distracted from learning the
lesson because they're getting angry at me now. Now my
anger is actually giving them the opportunity to not allow
(44:48):
the the behavior to sink in, you know, for them
to take ownership and responsibility. But when we give space
for calm Um, and we become curious and we allow
them to think about what they're doing, or we allow
ourselves to connect with them and to seek understanding. We
can actually move forward in some practical and spiritual ways,
(45:09):
which is really what we want. We don't want to
create drama and cycles of anger and frustration. We want
to understand. We want to relate in loving ways and
we want to help them grow.
S1 (45:19):
Hey, you know what I've just figured out, Amber? That
that's what this program is. It's a holy pause in
the middle of your day. Have a holy pause and
have a conversation at the back fence. Very helpful. Thank
you for coming alongside. You're not the only one who
struggled with anger. Uh, friend, as you listen to this,
you've heard what Amber has said. Untriggered is the book.
(45:41):
It's the featured resource at fabriclive. Org and one more question.
So you get to a place where you never are
triggered again. You never have anger. Is that true, Amber?
S3 (45:53):
The triggers will be there, but we don't have to
be forced into these angry reactions anymore. We get to
remain calm and kind. The triggers will come. They'll change.
They'll always be there. But it doesn't have to be
a state of being for us to be triggered. We
can be untriggered.
S6 (46:12):
I love the.
S1 (46:13):
Chapter. Overwhelm is a choice, and you can find that
at the book. In the book Untriggered 60 Days of
Transformation for Moms Who Struggle with anger. Featured resource Chris Fabry. Amber,
thanks for being with us today. God bless you friend.
S3 (46:30):
Thank you Chris. God bless you.
S1 (46:33):
Tomorrow another friend is going to come along and help
us declutter not just your home, but your heart as well.
Can't wait for that. On Chris Fabry live production of
Moody Radio, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute.
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