You're Still a Good Mom

Motherhood is a beautiful gift from God. But raising imperfect human beings can be exhausting and leave you depleted. Hallie Dye will talk about how surrendering your motherhood can bring freedom. Do you feel like no matter how hard you try you're not the mom you want to be? If you're a mom in need of some encouragement, don't miss the conversation on Chris Fabry Live.

Featured resource:
You're Still a Good Mom: Motherhood Surrendered to the One Who Never Fails (Even When You Feel You Have)

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Episode Transcript

S1 (00:05):
What is a good mom? How do you know you're
a good mom? Can somebody else convince you you're a
good mom? Or does it come from inside, or does
it come from somewhere else? What do you do with
the nagging thought, the whisper that comes that you're not
a good mom? Mother's day is approaching. And today, at

(00:26):
the radio backyard fence, we're going to look at that
question with a guest who wants to affirm you in
your motherhood. She says this fear of not being a
good mother is a wake up call to surrender to
the one who will never fail you. That's our topic
today on Chris Fabry Live. Thanks for joining us. And
I would love to hear from you today, either on
Facebook or on the phone. I put a question up earlier,

(00:48):
what is a good mom? And to see a couple
of good responses. Join the club. Find all our contact
information and links there at Chris Fabry. Let me thank
our team behind the scenes. Ryan McConaughey doing all things technical.
Trish is our producer. Tara is in the chair today.
Rina will be answering your calls. And I know there
are a lot of moms and dads who are concerned

(01:10):
about their children or grandchildren. The most important thing, and
the most powerful thing you can do for them and
for your own heart is to pray. And if you
have a prodigal today, I want you to listen to
this word from Doctor Erwin Lutzer.

S2 (01:27):
In my book, I talk about the fact that sin
has to run its course. The father of the prodigal
did not even go looking for his boy. But the
pig sty and hunger did what nothing else could do.
It was in the pig sty that the boy said.

(01:47):
I'm returning home.

S1 (01:50):
That right there may be the encouragement that you need
today to keep praying. I have a little bit something
a little bit better for you For two more days,
we're offering Doctor Lutzer a practical guide for praying parents.
Call or click through. Go to Chris Fabriclive. Org scroll down.
You'll see how you can be a friend or partner.

(02:11):
Or call 86695. I think this is not only going
to encourage you to help you pray scripturally for your
kids or grandkids, it'll do something in your own heart
as you depend solely on what God can do in
you and in the heart of the one that you
love today and tomorrow. The final two days of this

(02:32):
offer a practical guide for praying parents. [phone] or go
to Chris Fabry Live.com. Can you believe we are two
days from May? That's just just blows me away. That
theme of surrender, though, is front and center in the
writing of our guest today. Her name is Hallie Dye.

(02:53):
She's the founder of Salt Works Ministries, host of the
Saltworks podcast. She and her husband live in Monroe, Louisiana.
They teach in a life group in their church and
are featured. Resource. Today is Halley's book. You're Still a
Good Mom. Motherhood surrendered to the one who never fails,

(03:14):
even when you feel you have. Halley. Welcome to the program.
How are you doing today?

S3 (03:19):
I am doing okay. Thank you so much for having me.
I'm excited to be here with you.

S1 (03:25):
I'm glad to get to be able to talk about this.
And the question in front of us is, what is
a good mom? And I'm going to give folks our
call in number [phone]. What is a good mom? Answer
that question as you call in here today. [phone]. I

(03:45):
want to read from your introduction. You say to the
mom reading, you're battered, exhausted, sorely in need of a break.
The problem is, if and when you get that break,
you aren't truly alone because your ever present companion mom
guilt starts up. You aren't enough. You fail. Today, mom
guilt whispers you must not be a good mom, or

(04:06):
you wouldn't ache to be away from your children or
lose your patience so quickly, as if you needed even
more reason to despair. Mom. Guilt leaves you feeling as
if no amount of rest will truly refresh your soul
or prepare you to go back. The word that surfaces
is depletion. It's the point of emotional exhaustion where not

(04:27):
only your labor feels in vain, but even your rest.
And the worst, most recurring question sinks in. Am I
a good mom? Okay, that's where we're going to start.
You pick up from right there, Hallie.

S3 (04:43):
I mean that right there. I feel like I'm there today, Chris.
I mean, I can that that feeling can resonate with
you no matter what you have going on in your season.
And I think listening to you read it back from
the season that I actually wrote that I'm like, okay,
from from where I'm sitting today, having those same feelings.

(05:04):
I think the piece that I was missing, as I
began that work of me needing to know definitively what
is a good mom and am I enough? Um, was self-sufficiency.
I think oftentimes we we want to do all the
right things, and we take really good biblical principles and
we think, okay, this makes me a good mom. But,

(05:27):
you know, if we want to teach someone to abide
and we say, okay, you're step one this step two, this,
step three, this. And we we come up with these
human steps that come from biblical principles. Um, and we
could actually achieve those. Have we really learned the essence
of abiding and remaining in him? And the answer is
probably not. We probably have just really fed our self-sufficiency

(05:50):
instead of truly leaning into him. And so I listened
to that and I think, man, I can relate to that.
But where I am today, having wrestled with these concepts, yes,
that those feelings are still hard. But I also know
what is true. And what's true is he's covered me
with his righteousness. And that's where I begin the work
of mom and wife and whatever else, um, roles that

(06:13):
we have in, in our lives right now. And, um,
he is with me, and I am not doing any
of this on my own, but independence to him.

S1 (06:22):
Okay, that's the corollary question then. Am I a good mom?
Is am I enough? And the answer, you know, it's
like there's a theological answer to this. There's a spiritual,
scriptural answer that I need to get from my head
to my heart. And that is, no, you're not enough.
You can never be enough because your son or daughter
were made for more than you can give them. So

(06:45):
you have to become comfortable with the uncomfortability of not
being enough, right?

S3 (06:53):
Right. Absolutely. I mean, I think about that verse that
we memorize and sing in a song with our kids
that the fruit of the spirit love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness,
self-control none of those things are Halliday's flesh. I mean,
I might can have a good day or a good moment,
but to really produce those things in my life and
the face of hardship and trials and circumstances that are refining,

(07:18):
that has to be the work of the spirit. And
you and I were talking about where where I'm at
today and the hardships we have. And I mean, I,
I it has not been easy today wrestling with some
of these concepts. And at the same time, I have
to realize anything that has shattered that illusion of control
for me has ultimately been for my good.

S1 (07:39):
Yes. Which goes back to the prodigal thing that I
mentioned and our thank you this month. And that is
there may be something that if you see that you
have a prodigal and you've been pouring your heart out
to God. Maybe God wants to do something in you
through the prodigal that you didn't expect.

S3 (08:00):
Absolutely. I was scrolling this morning and trying to really
just kind of check out of some of the things
that I needed to get done on my to do list,
and I ran across this quote and it said I
forgot the whole point was my sanctification. I forgot the
whole point was taking up the cross and follow him.
And I'm like, man, yes, that is such truth.

S1 (08:20):
It's a good reminder. Okay, so let me let me
tell you what a couple of our listeners said with
that question. Am I a good mom? Catherine said, as
a mother of two, 15 and 12, I'm still not
sure what makes a good mom or if I truly
am one. I don't spend a lot of time trying
to decide on the answer, but I know in the
rare times people have told me I'm a good mom,

(08:43):
the compliment touches me deeply. What do you say about that?

S3 (08:48):
Mhm. That is exactly where I was starting the book. Uh,
because I mean, even this week my husband told me
last night, you're a good mom. And that is always
going to be encouraging and kind to me. And we
as moms need to hear that. And dads need to
hear your still good dad. And so that is so important.
That's we need to exhort and encourage each other. But

(09:10):
I think there's this soul deep feeling of, I really
need to hear this from the author of Goodness himself.
And so I think that kind of drove I don't
think I realized that as I was writing, but I
think that drove me to continue to write as I
wrestled through these topics of what does that look like
in rest? Well, what does that what does a good

(09:31):
mom do with compassion or dreaming or failure or being limited?
I mean, how how do all these things tie up
into being a good mom? Because there are a lot
of tasks, and what I found is a good mom
is not a woman who never fails. It's a mom
who returns over and over to the one who never will.

(09:52):
And that could be daily. That could be minute by minute.

S1 (09:56):
Okay. Did you hear that? I mean, that's that's our thesis.
If you want to know whether you're a good mom
or not, right there is within that is the definition
of a good mom. A good mom who realizes she's
not perfect, but is so connected with the heart of
God that she can be connected, then with her children,
with her family. Uh, and there's a reason why Hallie dies.

(10:19):
Says you're still a good mom. That's the title of
her book, Motherhood Surrendered to the one Who Never Fails.
Even when you feel you have. Do you feel like
you're a failure as a mom? I want to hear
from you today. [phone] Hallie has some encouragement for you
today at the back fence. Go to the website. And

(10:41):
you'll find out more. Hallie Dye is with us today. Dye.
The book is. You're still a good mom. You can
find it at Chris fabric.org. That's the main question today.

(11:01):
What's a good mom? How do you define a good mom?
How do I know if I am one? Well, I
don't know, I am, but how do you know you're
a good mom if you are one? Angela said this
on Facebook. A good mom is an imperfect woman who
has the best intentions for her children. She knows when
to ask for forgiveness and models the character traits she

(11:24):
wants her children to exhibit. A good mom loves her children,
fully recognizes that because she's imperfect, her children will be imperfect, too.
She gives grace freely because she needs grace daily. Hallie,
what do you think of that?

S3 (11:41):
I think that is perfect. Does she want to to
write the rest of it. Um, I mean, I that
hits the nail on the head because you, your children
don't need a perfect mom because they're imperfect. They need
to see a woman who believes she's unconditionally loved despite
her imperfections. I mean, I think that things like limits

(12:07):
and failures can be weightier in parenthood because it feels like, okay,
it doesn't just affect me. It affects these people that
I love so much and depend on me. And I
think about David and how he was called a man
after God's own heart. And yet we see these huge
moral failures and his story, but we see him rightly
repent with the Lord and then repair those. And so

(12:30):
when we when we get down to that and we
repent with the Lord and we repair with our kids, hey,
I'm sorry x y z, do you forgive me? I
think about his Psalm in 51 and it goes through
these deep groanings of wash me thoroughly and create in
me a clean heart. Cast me not away from your presence.

(12:51):
But then he goes on to say, then I will
teach transgressors your ways. Well, how will he do that?
Because he has known transgressions. He has tasted the goodness
and mercy and grace of God. And so he is
able to point people to that, because he has seen
his need and how it was sufficient. And we actually
get to do that for our kids, even in our failures.

S1 (13:13):
Yeah. I love what you do. Throughout the book. You
use different biblical examples of this as you go through it.
But thinking about David, a lot of people sign up
for the Christian life and believe that if I do this,
then God's going to do that. And you get to
the point. You look at David and you look at

(13:34):
Absalom and you look at Solomon, and you see, you know,
the things that you look at, even David's life, as
you mentioned, and the mistakes that he made, Aid. It's
like we want the formula. We want the outcome. If
I do this, God's going to do that. And even
if we sign that paper, God doesn't sign it because
he's not in it to to get the outcome that

(13:55):
we want. He's in it for, as you said, the
sanctification a little earlier. He's in it for something bigger
and better and messier than we want. Do you agree
with that?

S4 (14:07):
Mhm.

S3 (14:08):
Absolutely. I mean I you know I mentioned today today
has been just a hard day. Today is one of
those days where I just kind of want to call
it quits and take a break and you know all
those things. But it I kind of had a job
moment earlier today. Just honest confession to get real. And
I think in those times where you're like like I

(14:30):
look at job's story and I'm like, how can God
be good if he's not loyal to job if he
allows these things? Well, God is always weaving this greater picture,
like you just said, he's always doing these things we
might never see on this side of heaven. And some
we might, some we won't. But I think about his words.
Though he slay me, yet I will trust him. And

(14:53):
sometimes that is the refinement that my heart needs. Like
not just reading the word and teaching the word, but
actually actually letting it shape me. And going to those
verses in James about allowing, you know, the trials you
go through, um, to produce steadfastness and that steadfastness, steadfastness
having its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete.

(15:16):
And so here we are talking about being the perfect mom,
but actually through trials, letting that refinement shape you is
moving towards that perfection, that sanctification.

S1 (15:25):
I like the word good because perfect is like, there's
no way, okay, you can't can't do that as a
dad or any mom. You can't be perfect. But can
you be a good mom? Because that leaves a little
bit of wiggle room in there for my flesh, and
the ability then to surrender that to God and ask

(15:46):
for forgiveness from him, as well as those that I hurt.
So why did you use that? I mean, that's the
title of the book. You're still a good mom. Why
did you use that phrase?

S3 (15:56):
You know, it's funny. I actually was writing. I actually
named the first manuscript I was going to self publish,
and I actually named the first manuscript The Unfailing Mom
because I. My hope was that someone would pick that
title up thinking that's what I want to become, and
then really realize that that is motherhood. Surrender to the

(16:17):
one who never fails because we aren't unfailing. But he is.
Even when we fail, his love is unfailing. So that's
the image I really began the book with, but I
actually was writing a chapter at the same time I
was corresponding with Moody. I think we'd already maybe signed
the book deal, but they had said they wanted to

(16:37):
change the title, and I was like, at that point,
whatever you guys want to do, I'm great with. Um,
I was just so grateful to even be a part.
And so, um, but at this like the same week
that I had written, you're Still a good mom in
a chapter, they actually came and presented that title, and
I was like, yes, that is it. So I honestly

(16:58):
didn't really know that's what I was writing to. Um,
which is funny now looking back. But I think that
is just that universal, um, age old question that I've
actually heard, you know, grandmothers still say because I think
sometimes that regret can be heavier when it's, you know, retroactive.

S1 (17:18):
Or the mantling of a life that didn't turn out
like you wanted it to with a son or daughter,
and you carry the guilt. What did I do? Why
did and and I think part of the power of
a book like you've written, as well as a program
like this, is we get to connect with people who
are living this out right now. And Louise is on

(17:41):
the line. Louise, why did you call today?

S5 (17:45):
Well, the reason I called is, um, my son passed
away eight years ago. And the guilt I have every day. Um,
just thinking I wasn't a good enough mom. Um, he
had a, um, autoimmune disease that caused a lot of pain,
and he got addicted to drugs, and he died from

(18:08):
fentanyl poisoning. And, um, you just always think maybe there
was something more I could have done.

S1 (18:17):
Yes. What if. What if I had what? And I
totally get that. I totally get that. So. So, you know, in,
you know, intellectually, you know, cognitively that you didn't do anything,
but you still hang on to that. The guilt is
still there, right?

S5 (18:39):
Yeah.

S1 (18:41):
And you've had a lot of people say, you know,
it's not your fault you didn't do anything. This is
you don't need to carry this. You probably heard people
say that to you, right?

S5 (18:51):
Yeah.

S1 (18:52):
Yeah. But it's still there, and you still have to
deal with it. Yeah.

S5 (18:58):
And I don't know that I'll ever leave.

S1 (19:02):
Well, tell me your son's name.

S5 (19:05):
Cody.

S1 (19:06):
Cody. All right. So we're talking about Cody. So one
of the things that happened with this program is we
got to talk about somebody that you dearly loved who's
not in your life anymore. Eight years ago, he passed away.
So we get to talk about Cody. That's a good thing. Now,
I want you to hear what Haley has to say. And, Haley,
you do not have a magic wand. Bibbidi bobbidi boo.

(19:28):
That's going to take all this away. But my guess
is your mom's heart's going to say something to Louise today.

S3 (19:37):
Ah, Louise. Um, first, I just want to say I'm
so sorry that that is your situation and that the
weight that you carry. Um. I cannot imagine that as
a mom. Um, the loss, but also that heavy weight of.

(19:58):
What if I had. And I just. I want to say,
first and foremost, there is now no condemnation for those
who are now in Christ Jesus. And I think a
lot of the things that I have struggled with as
far as guilt or regret or whatever, on, on, on
a micro level compared to your situation, I have had
to learn to speak that truth. A lot of times

(20:20):
we talk in the church about speaking truth as far as, um,
something convicting, but honestly speaking truth just as much as, um,
you know, staying accountable is being able to speak the
grace of the gospel into your life. And I just
I want to remind you that I don't have an
answer that is sufficient. But I know the cross is

(20:41):
sufficient for you. And he has laid everything down to
take up that guilt. And so do not let the
enemy lay that on you as something that you are
ever meant to carry. I also hear that Cody has
such a caring mom that she still deeply cares about
that today. And I just want to say that is evidence.

(21:02):
Without looking into anything, any other part of your life,
of how much you loved him and how lucky he
was to have you. And I just think that you
just need to be reminded that the Lord used you
in so many ways that you didn't even realize. Not
to mention that we as moms, whether our babies are infants,

(21:25):
and we do get to control some of their some
of their choices or habits or routine or they're older.
We actually don't have control over their choices. We are
always only able to control the input, which is our faithfulness.
And you are a faithful mom who still cares for
Cody today.

S6 (21:48):
Thank you. That's very sweet.

S1 (21:51):
You know the other thing that I was thinking when
Hallie was talking, Louise, is that there's this sense that, um,
you know, you don't have Cody. You got pictures of him,
I'm sure, and you've got memories of him. But if
you let go of the guilt, you know, if you
put that aside, then maybe you're not going to think
of him anymore. You know that letting go of that

(22:14):
means that he won't be in your thoughts anymore. And
it's like, no, that's you know, that's not true, right?

S6 (22:22):
Right.

S7 (22:24):
Yeah.

S6 (22:25):
Yeah. I have the sweetest memories.

S1 (22:28):
Tell me one Tell me one memory that you have
of Cody that just makes your face light up.

S6 (22:36):
I always say this was when he was a very,
very caring individual. Um, he'd give you the shirt off
his back, but he was also very innocent. Um, but
I always say one of my. This is so stupid,
but one of my proudest moments as a mother. But
she brought a friend home, and he was a teenager.
I'm going to say maybe, I don't know, 14, 15.

(22:59):
And he brought this friend in and he says, mom,
this is my friend so-and-so. And then he said to
friend so-and-so, this is my mother, Louise. And I was like,
I was just blown away.

S5 (23:10):
That.

S6 (23:12):
He was so polite. I mean, I had tried to
teach him manners, but you don't see kids that age
doing that.

S1 (23:19):
Yes, he caught it.

S7 (23:21):
Though, Louise. He caught that from you.

S1 (23:23):
He saw that in you. You modeled that. Or maybe
your husband did too. He caught that from you.

S6 (23:31):
I was so proud. It was like, wow. That was
just so, so polite and just spoke volumes into my
heart about him.

S1 (23:44):
Okay, so what you just did, and I don't know
if you heard this. Hallie in her voice, you know,
the the guilt and the heartache and that turns to
laughter at the memory. And this is one of the
things that I've learned from different guests through the years.
And that is, if you've got something that is haunting
you that just, you know, every time comes back and
whispers the guilt to you instead of staying there, allow

(24:09):
God to wash over you with something else and his
grace and his mercy meaning. Okay, God, here's that guilt.
I'm feeling the guilt today about Cody. I'm feeling the
guilt that I didn't do. There was something that what if,
you know, and all those things. But I'm going to
surrender that to you. I'm going to give that to you,
and I'm going to allow you to do something in
my heart today that will remember those those good things.

(24:32):
It doesn't erase the loss, but it allows God entry
into the heart. Hallie, do you agree with that?

S3 (24:41):
Absolutely. Yeah, it's a beautiful way to say it. And
I just I was thinking to I actually just had
a conversation with someone today about, um, a son with
an addiction, and he's he's living, but she has no
more control over it, even though he is still here.

(25:01):
And I just want I just want to speak that
to you, that that lie that you could change it
if he were still here. That that illusion of control
is just that. It's an illusion. And it sounds to
me like you ran the race of of being a
mom to Cody. Very well.

S1 (25:21):
Yeah. I want to open the phone lines and. Louise.
Hang on. I want to hear to get your information.
We'll send you something. But, um, what would you say
to Louise today as you're listening? Have you dealt with
that guilt that that struggle? 87754836758775483675. You're still a good mom.

(25:48):
Is Hallie dies. Book is her featured resource at Chris
Fabry Live.com. What is a good mom? That's our question
today on Chris Fabry Live. And it strikes me that

(26:10):
there are women living under perpetual guilt and shame, like
Louise was living with that question. You know what if?
But other women are living with shame about something that
happened years ago that won't let go of them or
they can't let go. Of clarinets, the pro abundant life
organization that helps women and men deal with an unexpected pregnancy.

(26:35):
They are for the life of the unborn and the
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this month has been Abortion Recovery Awareness Month. So the
criticism that you're just there, you just care about the unborn.
It's not true. Click the Care Net link at Livorno
and download a free copy of Forgiven and Set Free.

(26:57):
This is a resource that might be just the thing
you need, or it could be somebody who's struggling that
you know, still living under the weight of a choice
that they made way back there in the rear view
that will not let go. Forgiven and set free is
the resource. It's absolutely free. Just click the green net
link at Chris Livorno. Chris Fabbri, Livorno Halliday has joined us,

(27:24):
joining us today. Her book is You're Still a Good Mom.
Motherhood surrendered to the one who never fails, even when
you feel you have. And that what Louise said in
what I just read about Carenet. I don't know if
I will ever get past this. Uh, I don't think
we were designed to get past this. Or, you know,

(27:47):
when you lose someone like Cody was to her. When
you lose someone like that, we are not made as
human beings to just move on and forget the past.
That that is a part of of us. And grieving
is a is a lifelong process. I don't think it

(28:07):
has to be, you know, the hold on you. The
guilt doesn't have to be the hold on you. So
could you say one more word about that before we
go to our next call?

S3 (28:17):
Absolutely. Um, you know, I was thinking about, uh, the
parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18, and how, um,
there is a servant who has this exorbitant amount of, um,
like trillions of dollars of debt, and he owes it
to the master, and the master has every right to

(28:39):
throw him in jail, take his possessions, his family, um,
but instead he forgives it. And and what does that mean?
To forgive something in an economy? Well, it means that
the master or the king absorbed that himself. And. And
then you see this, this servant, um, who who should
feel just this freedom that his debt has been forgiven.

(29:02):
He goes and he actually passes a servant who owes
him money. And it's a much, um, it's a large amount,
but it's something you could actually feasibly pay off. And
he does not forgive that servant. And we talk about
that a lot as far as forgiveness and reconciliation and relationships.
But I think there's also a lesson that, like, you
might be both servants. You might have been forgiven by

(29:23):
God and still not be able to forgive yourself. But
you forget that the master, the king, the, um, Jesus
Christ has absorbed that debt for you. And so I think, um,
there's a weightiness of of realizing that when we are
choosing to live under that guilt and shame, it's almost
like saying the cross was obsolete. Um, I can think

(29:46):
of a quote from Tim Keller. I think it was
counterfeit gods. And he said, I when people say, I
know God's forgiven me, I just can't forgive myself. It's
like saying there's an idol I've failed whose approval is
more important than God's. But but God's approval, his his favor,
his righteousness is all in that that word, Hebrew word hesed.

(30:07):
It's all his grace and his favor are tied. And
there upon you because of the grace of Jesus Christ.

S1 (30:12):
I hear that a lot. You know, forgiving yourself in
the culture as well as in the church and the
way that I frame it is exactly what you've just
said it is, though I feel I don't feel this
in me. You know, I've got this, this tension on
the inside where I still am hanging on to this,
but with everything in me, I'm going to believe what

(30:35):
he says and what in God's economy and what he
has done. I'm going to trust in that, rather than
the way I feel about myself, and then live in
light of that. Walk in or swim in that river,
swim in that pool of his forgiveness and and justice
and mercy. Mercy rather than the way that I feel.

(30:58):
Do you agree with that?

S3 (30:59):
Absolutely. And actually, I mean, it's so clear hearing you
say it like that because you think about any other
element of the Christian faith. It is like, you know,
I don't know if this makes any sense. I don't
know if I can get out of the boat and
walk on water. That doesn't make any human sense. And
yet I have to step out on faith and walking

(31:20):
in forgiveness and releasing the shame and guilt is no different.
It just touches these really, really tender areas. But it's
really taking those same concepts and applying it to forgiveness
and faith.

S1 (31:32):
Gina is in Indiana and wants to respond to Louisa's call. Gina.
Go ahead.

S8 (31:39):
Hi. Um, yeah. Louise, I've been there. Um, I lost
my precious son five years ago, uh, this month to addiction. And, um,
in all the years and years of praying for him, um,
you know, I prayed God would heal him of this.
And I prayed that, you know, he would walk faithfully

(32:02):
with God, and God would use his life as an example.
And but as I prayed that, I also prayed, don't
let my suffering be wasted. My son died. But that
prayer of not letting my suffering be wasted was answered

(32:24):
in so many ways. Um, because God gave me a
supernatural compassion for people who struggle with addiction that I
know I never would have had had it not been
my own child that was suffering with this. Um, and gosh,

(32:46):
what one of the young men God placed in my
life that has become like a son to me, and
I like a mom to him. He calls me mama. Um,
he has struggled mightily with addiction for, gosh, two decades
and more. And, uh, he called me this weekend from, um,

(33:08):
a spiritual retreat that we so many. My church has
just prayed and prayed for him, and he, um, he
said I. I laid it all down. He said, I've
laid it all down. I've surrendered it all. And he said,
you know, I really think this time it's it. I
just like I have no desire. I believe that like

(33:30):
God has taken this from me. And, um, but more
than that, he is just he wants he wants to
surrender to God. You know, it's it's not always about,
oh my gosh, like, how many days sober does he have?
It's his whole heart is poured out to God. And, um.

S1 (33:52):
And it's what a glimpse. What a glimpse of grace
for your life. And I love. I love what you said, Gina. Uh,
we had a caller some months ago who said, let
my tears water another's garden. And that same thing is
probably about a year ago that that happened. And I
wrote it down, and I've remembered it, and it comes

(34:13):
up with you. And it's Louise's vulnerability here today that
started us on this track, you know. So look at that.
The hurt and the pain that she experienced with Cody
and the hurt and the pain you experienced with your son.
What was your son's name?

S8 (34:29):
Jack.

S1 (34:30):
Jack. Okay. You and Jack. So Jack and Gina and
Louise and Cody. Hallie. It's it's, um. It's hard. This
is messy, and it's a struggle. But this is a
good place, isn't it?

S3 (34:44):
It is. And and it just. I'm encouraged as a
younger mom just how much these things are so important
to walk in that surrender because you you don't know
what's coming, but that that, um, reminder that, um, that
we don't hold the outcome. It was never ours to hold.
It was always the Lord's. Um, but we can hold

(35:05):
our input and we can we can, um, continue to
walk in faithfulness. And that it's encouraging to me to
hear from from moms who are ahead.

S1 (35:13):
Yeah, I agree Gina. God bless you, friend. Thank you.
And thank you for the the hope that you have
and what you're doing with the pain in that other
young man's life. You know, who who surrendered. And it
sounds like no matter what happens with him, you're going
to be there. He's going to be coming back to
you and asking you for help, and he's going to

(35:34):
lean on you. And, you know, the great thing about
that whole thing is that it's not just you, but
there's a church around him and that community that is
that speaks volumes. A lot of times the enemy wants
to isolate you. How many moms are listening right now
who think they're bad moms who are feel like they're alone?
They don't have the support group. And we'll talk about

(35:56):
that when we come back. And I also have one
other listener that I want you to hear from who
called us. I think it was last week, and I
think you'll have something to encourage her as well. This
is Chris Fabry live on Moody Radio if you go
to the website Chris Fabry Live.com, you'll see our featured resource,
Hallie Dye's book You're Still a Good Mom.

S9 (36:29):
I am so glad you joined us today for Chris
Fabry Live.

S1 (36:33):
And if you're listening live or if you're listening on
the podcast or if you're listening in 50 years from
when we're doing this program live in, it isn't a
good thing. In God's grace, good You're Still a Good
Mom is our featured resource by Hallie. Die, die a
motherhood surrendered to the one who never fails, even when

(36:54):
you feel you have. It's our featured resource. Click through
today's information at Chris Fabry Live. It might be one
of those books that's encouraging to moms around Mother's Day.
That was another question that I had for you is what?
What is a good mom? And then what is a
good Mother's Day? I don't know that we're going to
get to that, because I want you to hear this

(37:16):
call from. It was a last week sometime when we
had had a call from a listener named Kenda.

S10 (37:25):
I find that my son, I became a parent overnight
with him. My brother passed and his mother had abandoned
him and his biological mother. And for, um, he lost.
My brother and I stepped in and he's now nine.
He turned nine in December and, um, bedtime because he
plays sports and stuff. Bedtime and dinner seemed to be

(37:46):
the worst. Um, but I I'll ask him over and
over again. Can you please get ready? First time obedience.
I try to be calm, and it seems as if
he just doesn't take me seriously unless I raise my voice.
And then I recently kind of tried to do what
you guys were calling as a holy pause and and
just saying, you need to go do this. You need
to take your bath, you need to shower and walking out.

(38:07):
And then he screams hysterically, you know, because he wants
me right there, and I'm not even saying it in
an angry way. Um, so just wondering how how do
I get that obedience and, and it's difficult because I
come home from work and I am I've never been married.
I'm single. I'm playing both the nurturer and the disciplinarian,
and I'm just trying to find that balance.

S1 (38:29):
Right there it is. See? And her question really is
not it was about, you know, how to get my
son to obey. The question is, am I okay? Am
I doing all right? What do you say to that, Hallie?

S3 (38:43):
I mean, I if she finds the answer to that
first time obedience, I want her to call me because, um,
she's in good company. I mean, that is so real.
My friends and I sit around and troubleshoot. Okay, well,
this one's doing this, you know, with with my trusted friends.
And I mean that that is just so, so, uh, real.

(39:05):
So I want to, like, acknowledge that that is exactly
where I am. I also have a nine year old
and seven year old and six year old. And, uh,
it's it can be chaos. One thing that I have
found just this is a practical thing. Before we go
into the heart of it, um, is to try to
eliminate hurry as much as possible, and I. I'm in

(39:27):
a day today where that's not possible. So I'm going
to have to be patient with the, um, the the
stress coming out with the kids when they fill the hurry,
because that's the day we have. But as often as
possible to try to protect that time and give time
and prepare for those things. And, um, anyway, that that's
something that I'm really working on, but I also want

(39:49):
to just highlight something that I started to notice. As
far as mom guilt, I think a lot of times
we can have mom guilt about what we do or
what we've said or didn't do or didn't say. Um,
but sometimes we can have mom guilt about the thing,
the way that we feel, um, we can have mom
guilt about that. We that we don't feel patient or
grateful today, or we don't feel ready or I didn't

(40:12):
have the energy. And that is something that I think
is harder to to pinpoint, to be able to talk about.
But there can be all these expectations or, or understanding
of other people's situations of, well, she seems like, you know,
she's always so happy to be a mom. And this
is really hard, and I am grateful to be a mom.
But today I didn't wake up feeling like, um, so

(40:35):
patient and so kind and so gentle or whatever that
looks like. And I just want to say, like the
compassion of Christ is there and he is able to
extend that to us when we accept that. And I
think that that idea of compassion is just to be
able to look at your own situation, just like you

(40:56):
would for someone else and say, this is actually really hard.
Being a first time mom is hard. Being a single
mom is hard. Um, moving into adoption overnight is hard.
Those are all difficult things, and that doesn't mean you
don't keep moving towards the next thing. But to be
able to hold those things that are extended to us
in Scripture. Um, another thing that I will say there is, um,

(41:21):
we're limited. We are never we were never meant to
be limitless. We were never meant to be ever present
and all powerful. And we feel that in parenthood so
much because we can't make them and we aren't always there,
and we can't do everything for every person in our household.
And that can feel like failure. But we were never

(41:43):
intended to be limitless. We were always intended. And we
see that in the garden, when they feel shame over
the fact that they don't have clothes after he finds
them in the garden and they're hiding because of sin,
and he says, who told you you were naked? And
this idea that that. Yes, they have, um, they have, uh,

(42:04):
over wrongdoing, but they have shame over being unclothed when
they were deemed very good. And so we see that
in our lack and limitation, even before the fall, even
before we had need of a savior, we always had
need of a God. And so on. Our good days
and our bad days, that's always going to be true.
And that's not just okay, it's right.

S1 (42:25):
I'm glad you said that because that somebody needed to
hear that, right? Their mom or dad that you were
never created to be God for your children. You were
created with limits. You were created to let him be
God to them. And that's part of the whole surrender.
So one more question. Uh, we had a listener who asked, uh,

(42:49):
I feel a lot of guilt because I didn't raise
my kids in a Christian home. Evidently, she's become a
Christian later on. How do I go about this relationship
with my children, especially a daughter in her 40s. They
evidently have a lot of contact. I feel so much
guilt to influence her right now because of my past

(43:11):
that I wasn't, you know, the good parent, the good mom.
Then what would you say to her?

S3 (43:19):
I think that this is an age old thing of
I've dealt with this, so I can't possibly speak to that,
but that actually makes you the very person to speak
to that those those things that the enemy wants to discount.
That is exactly what the Lord will use. And so
I think approaching someone and being able to say very vulnerably,

(43:41):
exactly where you come from, I'm going to be honest,
I feel like this, this, this, I feel like I
wished I would have not because I'm not proud of
who you've become, but because I found this truth. And
I wish I would have fed that to you at
a younger age and just being honest and and humble. Um,
you know, there's actually a lot of studies that say

(44:03):
that repair and relationships, which a lot of times we
think of forgiveness, but in that sense it could be
a repair in a, in a, in a bonding sort
of way. Um, repair and relationships can actually create a
stronger bond than if relationships went smoothly. And I think
we forget that even people in their 60s need to
hear things from their parents. I mean that there are

(44:27):
just things that when it comes from a parent, it
weighs so much and it means so much, and it's
no different for your daughter. And so I just think
going to her and saying that and sharing your faith
is going to be it's going to weigh so much
and mean so much to her, even if she doesn't
say in that moment.

S1 (44:46):
Yes. And the the fact that there is a relationship there,
there are a lot of parents who, you know, their
kids have kind of cut them out of their lives,
can't see the grandkids. You have this relationship with this
daughter in her 40s and you have that connection with
her so that you're already starting from a really, really
good place. Don't listen to the enemy's whisper. I think

(45:07):
that's one of the things that you've said. The enemy
really wants to get you off track, keep you down,
hold you under, make it so that you can't feel
like you can't breathe. But you don't have to listen
to those whispers. Just like Eve heard that whisper. That
voice in in the garden. Um. And she fell. You know,

(45:28):
she made a mistake, and so did Adam. But you
don't have to live under the guilt of that because
of the forgiveness of God. Um, Holly, I'm so glad
that you've you've written this book, and I'm so glad
that you came on here on a day that wasn't
your best. You know, we talked a little bit before
we went on about, you know, some of the things
you're going through and your husband's going through and all that,

(45:48):
and it's like, you know, this was this was the
place for you to come and to share your heart and, uh,
encourage some moms. Thanks for doing that today.

S3 (45:59):
Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it.

S1 (46:02):
And if you go to the website, Chris Fabry, Livorno,
you'll see more about how you can find out more
about the Ministry of Saltworks Ministries, the podcast that she
hosts and the book that we talked about today. You're
still a good mom. Motherhood surrendered to the one who
never fails, even when you feel you have. Click through
today's information right there at Chris favorite. Divorce might be

(46:26):
an encouragement for a mom, you know, for Mother's Day,
which is coming up not too long from now. Thanks
for joining us here at The Back Fence. Thanks for
your support here at the end of April. And come
on back tomorrow for another conversation at the radio backyard
Fence Chris Fabry Live is a production of Moody Radio,
a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.