Bonus: Navigating the loss of a parent

Welcome back to another episode of Chronicles of a Virgo Podcast! In this special bonus episode, I open up about the deeply personal experience of losing my father a few months ago. Grief is a journey without a clear path, and in this candid conversation, I share how I’ve been navigating its ups and downs, and how this loss has profoundly changed me. I also take you deeper into my life, reflecting on the relationship my father and I shared, and the impact it's had on my healing process.

Whether you’ve lost a loved one or are supporting someone who has, I hope this episode offers some comfort and understanding.

This podcast is apart of "The Unfiltered Studios" : https://www.unfpod.com/


Ways to connect with me: 

Blog & website: https://chroniclesofavirgo.wixsite.com/my-site

IG: https://www.instagram.com/chronicles_of_a_virgo_podcast/

FB: https://www.facebook.com/ChroniclesOfAVirgoPodcast/

Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@chronicles_of_a_virgo

Twitter: https://x.com/___Chiquita___


Disclaimer: "This podcast and website represents the opinions of Chiquita Johnson and her guests to the show and website. Views and opinions expressed in the podcast and website are our own and do not represent the place of any mental health or medical professional. 

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
This podcast is a production of Unfiltered Studios. If you
would like to know more about joining Unfiltered Studios, please
visit our website at unfpod dot com for more information.
Welcome to the Chronicles of a Verbal podcast, the podcast
dedicated to the transformative journey of healing, mental health and

(00:20):
personal growth. I'm your favorite favorite verbal host Shakita Johnson,
and together we'll continue to turn our vulnerability into strength.
As a sexual assault survivor and mental health advocate, I
have a learned to sort through the ashes of my
trauma and turn my pain into power, and this podcast
is representation that healing is possible. In each episode, we'll

(00:42):
dive deep deep into conversations about overcoming challenges, find your
inn strength, and emerging from life trials like a feelings
from the Ashes. We may even have some friends drive
by from time to time. Get ready to be inspired
and empowered as we embark on a rewarding journey of
self discovery. So sit back and relaxed and let's get
into some healing. What's up, y'all, and welcome back to

(01:10):
another episode of Chronicles of a Virgo podcast, And as usual,
I'm your fair favorite. It's still your favorite Virgo host
Shikita Johnson and what is up, y'all? What is up?
What's up? What's up? It feels like forever. It has
been forever since I've been back behind this mic, in

(01:31):
front of this camera, on this platform, putting at an episode.
It's literally been since July. And this is an impromptu
you bonus episode because if you've been following me, you've
been with me for a while, and you heard that
last episode back in July. If you remember I said
I'd be back in a couple of weeks, you know,

(01:51):
pay attention. I'm gonna put out a bonus episode because
at the time, I had just lost my father and
I wanted to get into some things. I wanted to
talk and let y'all know what was going on and
how I was feeling. And I was coming back in
a few weeks, and that did not happen. As bad
as I felt like I was ready and I wanted
to be ready, I wasn't ready to talk about it,

(02:13):
and it was still so much stuff still playing out.
And also, y'all know, I was preparing to relocate and
I just had so many things on my play at
that time, and I think the last thing I needed
to do was get behind his mic and talk. But
here we are now, a couple months later, I have
been able to process things more. I'm in a different

(02:35):
mental space, physical, I'm just in a different space altogether.
And I feel like now I'm ready to talk about it,
talk about what happened and where I am on the
path of healing after losing my father. So I thank
you guys for your patience. I thank you guys for
continuing to support me, tapping with the podcast and be

(02:56):
on social media because I still see y'all out there,
still see y'all listening, and I appreciate it. As Chronicles
of a Virgo is still on a little break. You know,
it got extended, but it's okay. We will be back soon.
But until then, I wanted to do this episode and
to follow this one. I think that I'm going to

(03:17):
do a few pop up episodes here and there, just
to bring in the new season when I get ready
to kind of like ready to put it out. But
we are here now, so let's get into some things.
But be first and foremost before we dive into the conversation,
we gotta do a mental health check. And I do
want to also just you know issue like a little

(03:39):
trigger warning just because I am going to talk about, like,
you know, the passing of my fatherself, anyone. That type
of stuff triggers you. Just maybe the time that you
you know, click off or you can still hold on
and just see how deep I really go. But we're
going to do our mental health checks. So if you
are just joining me for the first time, we do

(04:00):
a mental health check here on every episode where we
rate our mental health on a scale of one to five.
Five being you're in a good space and you're doing well.
One being you're not in the best space. There's some
room for pouring, but you are making progress. We changed
that around a little bit. We are making progress. We're
not gonna stay stuck. We're not going to stay at
the bottom of the of the barrel. We want to

(04:23):
get up and keep pushing through. Even if we don't
feel the best. We want to push through and do
the things that we need to do. So what are
you guys feeling? How are y'all feeling today? I've been
putting up social media posts, you know, in regards to
just taking that time to really checking on yourself and
just offering little tools and resources here of things that
you can do to better nurse those feelings and kind

(04:46):
of get yourself back to being balancing in a good space.
So for me today, as I speak to y'all, I
am a five. I am a five. I have been
fiving it out for a while now. I'm so grateful
for that. Although there was some hiccups in the beginning
of the week. I think that like many people, when

(05:07):
the seasons change, you know, a lot of us deal
with like that seasonal effective disorder and your depression really
sets in because it gets darker. Fact, it's getting cold,
the sun is not shining as much as the summertime,
and it affects a lot of people's moods and mental health.
And for me, it was starting. I'm like, it's too early,
it's not even like winter yet, but it was kicking in.

(05:29):
So I had to, like, really, I had to rest
first and foremost because I've been doing so much. Like
if y'all follow me on TikTok, y'all know that I
be working out and just I've been doing a lot
on top of work and stuff too. But needless to say,
I just gave myself permission to rest and assure myself
that it's okay to take a break. I feel like
we need that like one on one talk with ourselves

(05:52):
sometimes because we feel like if we take a break,
we're not being productive. It means we failed, and it
doesn't mean that. But really take the time to sit
with yourself, to do your daily check ins, to see
how you're feeling, even if it's in the shower. You
know that's your personal time with yourself and you can
really see how you're feeling and do some deep breathing
and visualization. That's some meditation. Why you're in the shower

(06:14):
if that's the only place that you get that peace
and that privacy because I know parents, the kids be
at you. So yeah. But the purpose of me starting
mental health check was to make sure that I was
holding myself accountable for checking in, but also to hold
my guests and listeners and other people that come across
my episodes accountable. To really make sure that you're doing okay,

(06:35):
especially if you're a person that fulfills many roles, responsibilities,
and people depend on you. A lot of us are
the glues to our families, our jobs, companies. But we
can't be the glue if we don't take care of
ourselves and have focus on our wellness and our health
and what our needs are. You know, the world is

(06:56):
very chaotic right now. Okay, hashtag go vote, but the
world is very chaotic right now, and people have to
do a lot of things. So make sure that you
are just protecting your peace in general and checking in
with yourself, okay, and not neglecting how you feel, even
if it's a little cough or sniffle, or your mind

(07:17):
just seems a little bit chaotic. Don't ignore continue to
ignore those things, all right. So thank you guys for
taking the time to listen to my mental health rent,
but most importantly for taking the time to just breathe
and you know, checking in ourselves because it's very important,
all right. So bear with me because I feel like

(07:39):
I'm so rusty. I feel like I have so much
to say, and I just don't want to like overtalk
my words, and I don't want to ramble on for
hours and hours. Okay, but it's been a long time, y'all,
it's been a long time. But yes, as I stayed
in the beginning, this episode was supposed to be out
in July, but here we are now I know a
lot of people had reached out asked me about like

(08:01):
my move, and like it was, I gonna talk about it,
and I am. I am. I have on social media,
but this same episode for that. But I am doing lovely.
I am at peace. I am just I feel like
I am fully flourishing and just really coming into myself
and really embracing my whole rediscovery process in general. I

(08:24):
done packed up thirty four because I was thirty four
when I moved, thirty four years of my life in
the U haul and I came to another state. You know,
my birthday was good last month. My friends came down
and I really love it down here. I love the
life that I'm creating for myself and I just look
forward to continue to just create more lovely memories and yeah,

(08:48):
see what North Carolina is all about. So I'll get
into that. Like I said, maybe another episode, but we
are here because if you remember or you heard the
last episode back at you, I mentioned that my father
had just passed away and I wanted to do an
episode to just give you guys a general outlook on

(09:09):
the things that had transpired during that time, but also
to see how I was feeling and it was too early.
My father passed away in May, and here it is July.
I'm like, hey, I'm coming back to do this episode,
and I'm going to tell y'all all this stuff. Glad
it didn't happen. Glad it didn't happen. But here we
are now to talk about some things. Okay, So to

(09:32):
give you guys a general synopsis of my father in
our relationship and who he was, because I never really
gotten death about him on the podcast. I didn't post
my father on social media until he passed away. And
the reason I did that was because I needed to
protect him and I didn't want to like post him

(09:53):
in an embarrassment, in an embarrassing state of being. Okay,
my father had a severe mental health struggle, but he
also had a more severe substance severe struggle, like really
really really bad. And he also had a very very

(10:13):
very violent history, and all of those things collectively allowed
him the opportunity to not be a father to me
or my younger sister who's now fifteen. We knew who
he was. He was around when he was around, but
he wasn't around. So there's a difference in being fully

(10:35):
physically present with a person and being present and mentally
not there, and I feel like during those times he
just wasn't mentally there. I didn't meet my father until
I was in my early twenties, around the same time
I met my grandfather, because that's how I met my dad.
And the first few conversations we had was, of course,

(10:56):
just like, who are you like getting to know this
man and he's getting to know me, and then I'm
just like laying it out on having he wasn't there.
Why wasn't you there? Why didn't you do this? Why
didn't you fight? Why didn't just a whole bunch of things.
I feel like my inner child was just really coming
through in all those conversations. And he took it on
the chin. He took everything I said on the chin,

(11:16):
even the anger, the frustration, he took it on the chin.
And he apologized so many times. And I think we
all know that the best format of apology is what
change behavior. But I also had the conscious understanding to
know that the struggles that he was dealing with was
going to be very hard for him to change those things,
meaning stop doing drugs, going to therapy, get in rehab,

(11:41):
and actually be actively in rehab. And then carry out
those things Outside of that, I knew it was going
to be hard. Being a person that has worked in
mental health and substance have had a lot of substance
abuse patience in my career, I knew what odds we
were up against. And I still went in very recent
you know, created a freaking plan with my grandfather to

(12:05):
try to get him here here, here, he needs this,
talk to this person, Let's do this. I got this
lead that we can do all these things. But I
think that just as well as anyone that's listening knows,
if you know someone or you're dealing with someone that
has a substance issue, you can schedule the appointment, take
them to the consultation, you can drop them off at
the door. You can put them over your shoulder and

(12:26):
put them at the person's desk. That doesn't mean that
they're going to be attentive, and it doesn't mean that
they want to participate, and it doesn't mean that they
want to be honest about anything. You know. And I
did get my filatary a couple of times because I
just wanted him to do better, Like I wanted to
prove everybody wrong that has something bad to say about him.
You know, despite whatever his situation may have been with

(12:49):
my mom and my family, this is me you now,
like leaving the past where it's at and just moving forward,
you know. And he had been in and out of rehab,
in and out of treatment and different things. But because
of his lifestyle and the things he did, he also was
in and out of jail, you know. So it was
always wondering, like it is even still alive. But I

(13:11):
knew he was still alive because like my grandfather, I
got updates all the time, or my phone would ring
because he always called me or texted me from a
new number most times. But he was you know, communicating
the best way he knew how. Or someone was calling
me saying he's asking for you, he's looking for you,
whatever the case may be. But unfortunately, like because of

(13:33):
the lifestyle that he was in, I had to withhold certain,
you know, certain information from him just for my own
safety and protection as well. So we've never experienced like
the daddy daughter dances. We never really experienced like the
father day outings. We never experienced like you know, me
bringing home my first boyfriend to my father. We never

(13:53):
experienced none of those things nor would my sister get
to experience those things, you know? And I feel like
the more I hear people talk about their relationship, the
people that have like healthy relationships with their fathers talk
about them. That is one relationship and dynamic that is
forever cherished by a lot of females is the relationship
you have with your dad, you know, because this is

(14:16):
the pivotal point in all of our lives where you
are supposed to be modeling what a man should be
in my life and how a man should treat me
and be my protector. And I have never had that,
you know. And it doesn't take away from any male
representation I've had in my life, whether it's been a godfather,
an uncle, a cousin home ever, It's always been in

(14:39):
my mind that you're not my father, Like it's always
been there, and my mom she knows that, you know.
It just was different. So when my grandfather came around,
like yeah, like this was my dad, like you know,
in the early twenties. You know, he missed out on
most of my life, but he's here now. And my
grandfather did everything that he could until the day he

(14:59):
passed a way to make sure that that I knew,
he loved me, he cared about me, he supported me,
and he showed me what a man was supposed to be,
because my father could not fulfill that. So fast forward
to when my grandfather passed in twenty twenty two. I
don't think any of us expected from the past as

(15:22):
fast as he did, let alone how fast it took
my father to like relapse. And I remember, like very vaguely,
even at my grandfather's funeral, like having to like hold
my father up because he was just enough. He was
just bad, you know, And you know, I wanted to

(15:42):
still humanize him and make people kind of like respect
him because he's still a human being. But of course
people are going to think what they want to think
and act how they want to act, and that's just whatever.
And a lot of people cannot let go of the past,
and they will always know you for what you used
to be. No matter how much you try to change,

(16:02):
and you know how hard you try to change, how
much work you put in yourself, some people would just
never get to that point. And I feel like that
was the case with a lot of people dealing with him,
especially because he dealt with substance abuse really bad and
I feel like when my grandfather passed, I feel like
he just gave up in life, honestly, and I feel
like me and my sister should have been his motivation

(16:24):
to just all right now that Pop is gone, Like
I got to be here for my girls because they
depended on Pop, and now it has to be me.
I got to clean myself up, get the help I need,
and do things I need to do. But he was
too sick and too far gone. He couldn't do that.
And he expressed his love and things to us all

(16:44):
the time, but at the same time it was like,
you say this, but then you know, we want to
see you in your better state. But he just could
not get there. And even after my grandfather passed, he
ended up getting locked up for some time. And I
feel like, at a point a part of me was
happy he got locked up because he had to be clean.

(17:07):
But then when he got out, he relapsed quickly, you know,
So he just he struggled so badly. Just he struggled
badly all throughout his life from what I've been told,
especially throughout the years that I've known him and I've
talked to him and been around him. So fast forward

(17:28):
to this year, Memorial Day weekend, I get a phone
call from my sister's grandmother and me and her have
a good relationship or whatever, but you know how sometimes
like a person can call you all the time, but
it's like one time they call you, you just feel in
your spirit that something's not right. And I love her
to death, but I just was like, I'm not about

(17:49):
to answer this call because I felt like something was
it was about to be something, and I knew it
was not going to be about my sister, Like I
knew it wasn't gonna be about her. And I answered,
and she told me that they had found him, and
I just got up and I was at my mom house,
so I went and woke her up and I told
her and she hopped up and she was just we

(18:11):
just looking at each other like two deers in the
in the like in the light. We're just looking at
each other. And I'm like, I just remember like crying,
and I'm like, I'm so sorry. I don't know why
I'm crying. I don't know why I'm feeling these emotions,
like what is what's wrong with me? And she's like, Kita,
it's okay, Like it was your father he's still a

(18:34):
part of you. You were still a part of him.
It doesn't matter the distance or what he went through
or what you went through, like he was still your father.
So anything you're feeling right now, it's fine. And she's like,
you know, go get yourself together, let me make some calls,
try to figure this out. And I went outside to
get some fresh air and to just try to process

(18:54):
what was going on. And I called, you know, Jess,
the favorite Virgo bestie, because Jess was my common piece.
Just it's always been my common piece do so many
different things. I feel like all my friends have a
different role they play, you know, and justs is that
common piece that I'd be needing, and especially when it's

(19:16):
around like grief and just processing my emotions. And I
remember telling her like, I don't know why I feel
so bad, and I was like, I just try to help.
And I remember saying that. And it's funny because a
couple of weeks prior, I was having a conversation with
someone and I said, it really sucks because if my
father was to ever like get hurt or something happening

(19:39):
God for baby pass away, I feel like it would
take forever for the news to get to me, because
sometimes I don't even know where he is unless he
randomly calls or someone reaches out, and then here we
are now when someone reached out because someone found him,
and that just crushed me so bad to know that

(20:00):
he passed how he passed, because the way he passed
was just very devastating. It was very hard, and I
don't feel like no one deserves to pass that way,
no one deserves to be found in that type of state.
It it just sucked. It sucked really bad. And I
spent the next couple of days just really trying to

(20:20):
process everything. And also because I am the oldest, my
father's side of the family is not from what I
have seen and heard, is not very big. I don't
know a lot of those people, like the distant cousins
and aunts and all them. Don't really care to know
a lot of them, no offense. I know some of
my grandfather's side though, and my grandfather also has other children.

(20:45):
So because I was next to Ken and I'm the oldest,
I had to go id the body not even twenty
four hours and a go idea the body, and I
also had to do the funeral arrangements and again and
shout out to Jets because Jess was with me throughout
that whole process. I had never done any of this

(21:05):
at all. And I'm sitting across from a stranger the
frienderal home, telling them all these things and withholding information
because I'm afraid. But then I knew I had to
give them certain information. But I gave it to them
I entrusted because I needed this information to be safeguarded.
Because despite the state that my father was in, despite

(21:26):
his struggles and his past, his history, anyone that had
talked to me during that time will tell you, including
my mom, I just wanted him to be put away
with respect, dignity, and just want him to be at peace.
I feel like he at least deserves something of peace
in his life, even if he's not here to like
really realmish in it, right. And I asked for certain things,

(21:49):
and I was told that, you know, certain things will
play out, certain things will happen, certain things wouldn't happen.
And I'll just tell y'all this everything that I entrusted
in this individual, they did the complete opposite. They did
the complete opposite and just broke my trust and broke
every promise that we had discussed. They broke it in
they broke it enough for me not to file legal matters,

(22:13):
if that makes sense. And then I had the idea
the body and I went into that room and I
was like, even with seeing that box, I'm like, I
know it's real, but please God, when I look in
this box, please I hate the fact that that's anybody
in there, but please don't let my father be in

(22:36):
that box. Like I don't know who it has to be.
I don't want to be nobody, but just don't let
it be him. And we just have to go find
and figure out where he is. And when they opened
the box and I seen it, I just I lost it.
It just made things very real because even though my
father wasn't active in my life for a very long time,

(22:58):
I always knew that he was there and he was alive,
and I always had some sense of hope that he
would get hisself together and we could build some type
of deeper relationship and he could be a father for
me and my sister. And I'm like, he's gone, Like
I only have one parent now, Like even though she's
been carrying the weight of two parents, you know, for

(23:20):
me and my other sister. I fel like my father's gone,
and I really dealt with that mental dialogue for so
many days at a time, you know, just the fact
of coming to realization that I'm down one parent. And
you know, I know, I talk to a lot of
people that may not have a parent or just have

(23:42):
lost someone super close to them and may have raised them,
and they understand, you know, and help me process what
I was feeling. But I promise you, it didn't matter
what nobody said to me. It just did. Nothing made sense,
especially the emotions that I'm feeling. Why am I so
emotional and going through this when I didn't like see
this person like every single day. I talked to them

(24:03):
all the time. But I know that that was my father,
and I know that I tried, and sometimes I was like,
damn God, is there something I could have did better
or I should have did more? Because I work in
this environment that I could give you the help and
get you to help. But I also do understand that
the person has to really really want it bad for themselves,

(24:24):
you know. And after you know, going through that whole
part of everything, there was like a leg period where
we had the ceremony and I ended up going away
for a couple of days, and I really needed that
time away because life has just been so heavy on me,
you know, planning the funeral with strangers, planning the funeral

(24:49):
with strangers that really like left me on the outskirts
of things, you know, until they really needed me. And
then my phone number got plasted on social media. So
it's people like constantly reaching out to me, texting me
and asking questions and you know, something that I had
thought about when I thought about way more when my

(25:09):
far past. It's just like the grief etiquette is like
a thing and many people do not have it. And
I feel like, if you wouldn't want someone to say
things to you during your time with your morning or
do things to you during the time of morning, why
turn around and do it to someone else. And because

(25:30):
I knew that I had become, you know, further in
my like healing journey after losing my grandparents, even now,
when I would talk to people that were grieving and
going through the loss of loved ones, I will always
upfront and say, like I may not have the right
words to say. Sometimes it may not be needed for
me to say anything. So I'm gonna just listen. But
I'm never going to offer some type of like words

(25:53):
of you know what I think is words of advice,
and it's something that may make things worse, you know,
saying that because I don't know who this lovely episode
will come across. Everybody has a story, everybody has a past,
and sometimes you are the villain in someone else's story.
And sometimes the things that you think that you were

(26:15):
doing are saying may have been helpful because it was
helpful to you doesn't necessarily mean it was helpful to
someone else, you know what I'm saying. So again, if
it's something that you wouldn't want done or said to you,
don't turn around and do it to somebody else. And me,
in the midst of grief and just hurt, I can't
process my thoughts and my words properly. So there were

(26:37):
a lot of times I didn't say anything, but everything
was all you know, said and done and over. I
was like, oh no, I'm coming at the y yeah yeah,
y y. Because people was just like really playing in
my face. And I just feel like to to distrust,
like to mistreat someone doing one of their most vulnerable

(26:57):
times is like one of the most trifling and malicious
things you can do, you know. And I had so
much support, family, friends, people from the podcast community, just
reaching out every single day. But my mama, and I
know I said this in my last episode, my mama
stood ten toes down with me in the battlefield. Okay.

(27:19):
And the reason why a lot of you might be thinking, well,
she's supposed to be she's your mom, yes, which is true.
But the reason why I was so surprised because again,
my father had a very very violent past that my
mom unfortunately was a part of. Right, So I'm thinking, like,
I can't really express to her how I'm feeling and

(27:42):
stuff like that because maybe I make her mad or whatever. No,
she actually helped me process all this, Like I have
established a new level of respect and understanding for her
as an individual and how she has moved and maneuvered
in life with me, just based upon her helping me
through the passing that my father, who they did not

(28:03):
have the best relationship. They married young, and they went
through Helen Howard is in some horrible things, but now
she's in a space where she's had her closure. So
she's never bashed him to me about what he didn't do,
what he did or anything like some other people may do.
She just really was there in support, you know, and
like I said, I'm forever grateful for that because I

(28:27):
feel like those were the conversations and times that really
helped me get through that time, you know. And she
was there with me at the funeral, like helping me
through all of that stuff, you know, just like my
other family. But it's like it's nothing like a father's
love and the dynamics with their daughter's nothing like a
mom's love and the dynamics you can build with your mother.

(28:49):
And I'm so grateful that she was there in her
right mind to help me process and still get through it,
you know, because she still be having to hear in
my mouth, you know. But the funeral happened and all
that stuff, and I'm not gonna hold you like I
was so glad when it was over. I was glad
that people really showed up and people have like great

(29:10):
things to say about him because again, despite his history
and stuff, I believe and I've seen that he tried
to continue to be a good person. You know, people
said good things about him. Of course, you meet all
the distant family members that you never met, and people say,
you know, I'll always be here. Give me a call, child.
Let me say something. It was an episode last season

(29:34):
on a podcast and we were talking about grief and
my guest said something on the lines of don't quote me,
but it was on the lines of when the casket closed.
During her experience when she lost her mom, she felt
like people's mouths closed, And honestly, I felt that, like,
after everything's all said and done, those same people that
said they're going to be there, they'll call and check

(29:55):
on you, their one call away whatever. Those people are ghost.
And that's okay, I promise you it's okay. But it's
just the mist of like making all these promises and
you know, taking these roles on and then you don't
fulfill them. You know, suppose I was a person or
my younger sister was a person that was dependable on
the support and really needed these people and governed support

(30:18):
from them, and then they're they're gone, even people that
were close. I'm just like, whoa damn, Okay, I just
you know, y'all know I bow out gracefully. So it
is what it is, right, you know, at the funeral,
you're meeting all these different people and I'm sitting there
with my sister and just to look up and see
like her family came, my younger sister, her family came

(30:41):
and support I had family that came, and then some
of my friends came to support me, which like really
warmed my heart because I didn't invite anyone. I just
felt like it was where to just like invite people
to a funeral. I don't know, it's just I don't know.
I didn't, but they came and they was like, girl,
we're here to support you, to hold you down. He
got you and if you need backup, we really here,

(31:02):
you know. But needless to say, it was to me,
it was a nice ceremony. He was sent off peacefully
because that is what I wanted. I feel like he
was humanized for the probably the first time in his life.
And we decided to cremate him, and I released the ashes.

(31:22):
Me and my sister we released the ashes before I
left Baltimore, just me, her and Jess was with us,
and you know, we recorded it and stuff and said
some words. And the reason that I released the ashes
was because I felt like all of his life he
had been held in a box. You know, he was
in this box from being in the military, this box

(31:43):
from being this rich boy through high school, this box
with his mental health, and a box with the substance
like he just he was in a box his whole
entire life. He never knew what it be like to
just be free, you know. And he finally at this point,
unfortunately his passing, it freed him of all of these
different things that held him down and bonded him for years.

(32:07):
And I wanted to give him that, you know. And
I truly hope that he's resting in peace. And I
hope he is in peace. And as I continue to
grow and flourish in my life and my younger sister
continues to grow and flourish in her life, I hope
he continues to be proud of us, because I fully
have an understanding of why he wasn't capable to be

(32:29):
the man that I needed him to be. I'm fully
understanding of why he couldn't be the father and show
up for neither one of us. But I don't think
as a teenager you really understand all those things, you know.
So I just make sure that now that I talked
to my sister about mental health and all of those things,
and allow her to know that you can feel how

(32:50):
you feel and it's okay. And don't let no one
tell you that you shouldn't feel this way because he
was he wasn't there, and he chose drugs. Lor don't
let no one get that in your head, because I
believe that people like that have a way of sewing love,
and it looks different from how you and I may.
Sure we love one another, you know. And all the

(33:10):
phone calls, all the meetings and hearing from other people
call and different things, one thing that everyone that says
is he loved his girls. You know. He may not
have showed it in the best way. He may not
have showed up for y'all, but he loved y'all. He
really he loved y'all. He was proud of y'all. And
one of the last times that we were together, he

(33:32):
was just telling me how he was proud of me,
asking me, you know, questions about when I graduated from college,
because no one on that side of the family has
ever graduated, so that would make me the first person
that got two degrees, you know, on that side of
the family. So he just like telling me how proud
he was and how he hoped that I continue to
just be smart, and how my sister continued to be

(33:54):
smart and told me to always look out for her,
you know, just things that a parent tells you about
your younger sibling is the oldest. And I think at
that time it was going in one day or the other.
But now it's like it's all coming back, and I'm
holding on to those moments because all I have is
those little moments to hold on to, you know, And
my sister has moments, and I really pray that she
has good moments and good memories that she can hold

(34:16):
on to and it doesn't get overshadowed by all the negative,
you know. And to this day, like we are making progress.
We're taking things the day at the time. Y'all know,
I've done moved out of Baltimore, and I really don't
see myself ever going back to Maryland. And they always

(34:37):
knew that I was going to leave. My father knew
that I was going to leave at some point as well,
and you know, he even said like he hoped that
when I when I left, I found what I was
looking for and it made me happy, and it truly
is making me happy. And I feel like my healing
process has gotten a lot better since I've been here.

(34:58):
But yeah, that time, even it was just a few
months ago, was so difficult, and I was afraid I
was gonna lose my job at one point, because y'all know,
I had just started my job on April the first
Here we are in May, and I have to go
out of work for some time, and it sucks. Like
when you lose a loved one, they give you like
literally three.

Speaker 2 (35:16):
Four days to go do all you need to do
and then't come back or let you use PTO, you know,
And like I had just started, so like I was
limited on time, but I did get breathing days and
some additional time to go kind of you know, handle
my emotions and just feel what I was feeling and
process things.

Speaker 1 (35:34):
And my job was very supportive in that manner, but
overall it was just a very different process. It was
very difficult, and I know that. Can't nobody ever tell
me God ain't real, because I know God was really
really holding me together and like intensify my faith, and
just also he put strong people around me that forced

(35:57):
me to talk and that distracted me in a good
way but also in a healing way. And I'm ever
grateful for all of those people that was, you know,
around me, friends, people from like I said, from the podcast,
and my family and things like that, because those conversations help,
you know, helping me process all those things. So where
I am at now with navigating my journey and stuff,

(36:24):
it still kind of feels like it didn't happen, if
that makes sense. Like I can tell you everything that
transpired during that time. I can tell you I lost
my father, but it really still feels surreal, you know,
And sometimes I really sit with it because like nobody's
really checking to see if you're really okay. People will

(36:44):
check and see like are you okay right now, but
they're not checking and see like how you feeling after
this happened, you know. So it's something I just be
processing by myself. I've had conversations with my mom about
it because those thoughts that I was having, they didn't
just go away overnight, you know. The emotions and feelings
don't go away overnight. But I feel like because people

(37:05):
see you smiling and you happy and you appear to
be vibrant, all of those things are true, it kind
of takes away from what you just experienced, you know.
Probably one of the most traumatic things of your life,
you know, of burying a parent. So I just take
it day by day and I make sure that my
younger sister is okay, especially since we're not in the

(37:27):
same state anymore. But also I don't feed much energy
into like the negativity, the negative thoughts or all the
negative things that transpired or could have happened during that time,
and just really focus on the fact that he's at
peace and he doesn't have to deal with the sickness
and drugs and the thoughts and being in jail, and

(37:50):
he don't have deal with it no more, you know,
And I hope that I don't know, I just hope
that it continues to get better. For me, I know
it will, and as well as my sister. It has
helped to talk to like some of my cousins because
I've lost aunts and uncles. Talk to my cousins because

(38:12):
they're like, you know, doing good in their life and
they have children and some of them, I'm married, and
they don't have a parent, or they may not have
either parent, and it's just like, how are you guys
navigating life? Like how have you been able to navigate life?
What has been your sense of motivation? You know what
helps you when you have these thoughts and different things.
Even some of my friends that I know have lost parents,
you know, my mom and my aunts that have lost

(38:35):
my grandmother, Like what things help, y'all? You know, my
mom is a very resourceful person I talk to. But
at the same time, I hope that it's much energy
and resource that you're offering other people. You are really
filling your own cup, you know, because sometimes it's so
easy for us to pour it out and tell everybody
what we're doing, but on the back end, we're not
really feeling good, you know. So I don't try to

(38:58):
burn the people in that way. And it really did
help that before I left Baltimore, I was still actively
in therapy because y'all know, I'm gonna tell y'all go
to therapy because I'm in therapy. Well, not now, but
I was in therapy. So my therapist was definitely doing
her big one with me, and it really helped tremendously,
you know. And I feel like, because I have the
intention to move past everything, to move past my grief,

(39:22):
to move past my trauma, I'm going to always continue
to move forward. I will sit in my feelings, i
will allow myself to flow with whatever is going on
at that time. But I'm not going to become stagnant
and sit in it. I will acknowledge that it's going on,
and I would acknowledge that I'm hurting and that I
may be hurting because of this situation. But I cannot

(39:44):
allow myself to fall short anymore. I can't allow myself
to get lost in my grief. And that's the example
that I want to leave by when it comes to
my sister. We can hurt, we can acknowledge all pain,
we can feel our pain. It's okay, but we got
to get up and keep going. And if we need
additional help, it's okay to ask for help. And we

(40:06):
don't got to be okay all the time. And that's
what I continue to like instill in her, you know,
instill in myself. And it's just been a daily thing.
And I am honestly in a good space right now.
That whole process, that journey was not good at all.
It was not good at all, but it is what

(40:27):
it is. And I came out on top, you know,
And I can sit here and I can probably name
drop a lot of different people, and I can name
drop a lot of more specific things that took place
in disrespectful situations. And I feel like if I would
have recorded this back in July, that's what it probably
would have really been. But I'm glad that I didn't,

(40:49):
and I'm not You know who you are if you
come across this, and that's just that you know. And
I'm just going to continue to grow. And I hope
that even with me getting up here talking to y'all
about everything that transpired during that time with me to
see where I'm at now, maybe it helps motivate somebody

(41:12):
somewhere in your life where you may be dealing with grief,
depression a hard time, just to sit in it, let
things flow, but just know you've got to get back up,
and you can get back up. And I'm not comparing
my situation to the next person, right because I don't know.
Someone's situation can be ten times worse than mine, and

(41:33):
that's okay. However, I do know and believe in the
power of prayer, the power of faith, and because of
the things that I have overcome, I know that other
people can have resilience to overcome things as well, you know,
So sometimes we can be our biggest critic and I
felt like during that time, for some reason, I was
criticizing myself for so many different things, and I was

(41:55):
so lost and confused. But overall, I think that it
was just abundant feeling of my emotion and my grief
at the same time, and my mind playing tricks on
me too. So now I'm in a space where, like
when those things happen, I just give myself grace, like
I gave myself so much grace and love back then,
and I still do it now because it will take

(42:16):
you a long way. So if you're still listening to
me talk, I appreciate you. I am honestly glad that
I didn't talk back in July, because I don't think
the message would have been reciprocated the same way. I
don't think that my intentions would have been fully clear.
So I hope with me coming now months later talking

(42:39):
to you all about like what happened and where I'm
at now, it gives you a more clear and general idea.
But also it's shown that there is such thing as
healthy healing, even if during the time of the situation
it was in a healthy situation, because it wasn't, you
can turn that around for the better. And that's what

(43:02):
I did. And I'm going to continue to own my story,
this story and other stories to come, and I'm going
to continue to be the writer of all of my
stories and just move how I need to move so
I can be better and those around me can be
better as well, because I honestly feel like if I
would let other people's actions and things dictate more of me,

(43:24):
probably would have been in jail. But needless said, I
probably would have been in a grave as well, because
I got so stressed out, y'all, I forgot about this.
I got so stressed out my body start shutting down,
like if I was talking to you at that time,
y'all know, I was in physical therapy twice a week.
My left side, I didn't have movement in my left side.

(43:47):
My back was just like in excrucinating pain. I felt
like my legs were like numb. I was just going
through like a lot. I'm like, God, are you taking
me now too? Like what is happening? It was so bad,
and my physical therapist was like, this is stressed, Like
we have to work to get this, get your body
back together, but I also need you to work on

(44:08):
your mind. And just releasing things. I was just so
tense that my body was just like taking all the hits.
It was just not processing and not moving. So it
was a lot. It was such a lie. But I'm
just grateful for the space that I'm in now. I'm
grateful I was able to process and move on, and
I'm grateful that I had the support that I had.

(44:29):
So if you were someone that's listened to the side
of my voice that was you know, around during that time,
and I've already gave so much gratitude, I'm giving more
gratitude to you for just helping me through that time.
Even if you're someone that is listening and you ain't
even check that on me, but you was there, then
thank you so much. I appreciate it. I appreciate it all,

(44:52):
and I still love all of y'all because, like I said,
those those moments was hard, but those those conversation and
those feelings will never go away. So thank you. But yes, y'all,
that is my bonus episode. Thank you guys for joining me.
Like I said, we are still on our little hiatus

(45:14):
for Chronicles of a Virgo. I don't have an official
date when the new season will start. But I am
getting a little bit more active on social media. I
lost interest in a lot of things social media, the podcast,
like music, books, a lot of things. I just like

(45:34):
it got lost back then, and I'm trying to just
re embrace a lot of the things that I enjoyed
at that time. It's like a whole rediscovery process all
over again. And sadly the podcast was one of the
things that I put on the back burner. But at
the end of the day, I have to be better
in myself before I go out here and try to
be better for other people. And I'm never gonna come

(45:57):
to this mic not my true authentic self, you know.
So to see the next season, which we will be
entering into season four more than likely probably will come
out or begin in a few months. But till then,
I'll do a few pop up episodes here and there.
I have had people reach out to me about coming

(46:18):
on their shows, so I am open to doing some
like podcasts. So if you are someone that does want
me to come on your podcast, please reach out to
me at Chronicles of a Virgo twenty two at gmail
dot com, or if you're on social media, just DM
me on one of my pages. Whether it's Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, Twitter,
and just let me know what's up and we will

(46:40):
see if we are in alignment to do a recording together. Otherwise,
if you are someone that wants to come on the
show for my upcoming season, you can also reach out
to me at one of them social media's or at
my email as well. Make sure you guys are tapped
in on YouTube at Chronicles of a Virgo Podcast because
so we'll be continuing with their YouTube journey and posting

(47:02):
videos and things like that, as well as social media
Chronicles of a Virgo Podcast on all of my social
media accounts. I'm going to put all my links in
a description box below, so you guys can go tap
in with me and even if you want to come
see what I got going on on my personal pages
with my little fitness challenge and all that, you can
come and watch me make myself suffer. No, but you

(47:27):
can definitely tap in with me too and get a
little bit of motivation. Okay, but I thank you guys
again for joining me back for this bonus episode, and
I also want to give a big shout out to
the Unfiltered Studios network that is my podcast network that
I am a member of, along with a bunch of
other amazing podcast hosts. I will also put the link

(47:50):
to Debt and a description, So if you're looking for
a safe, inclusive environment to feature your show, please come
join us. Otherwise, check out the link and see if
there's another podcast that may be of interest to you,
because if you are like me and like to learn
and just listen to new things, you will definitely find
a show in there that sparks your interest, or you

(48:11):
may find a host that you may want to have
on your show. Because all of these people, from what
I have heard and seen and met, are phenomenal and
they all have a lovely story and a great platform.
So go check some of them out. But shout out
to you guys and just everybody in a podcasting and
creative space keep doing the amazing work. Like I said,
I'm easing back into it, so I'm starting to see

(48:34):
things more. But from what I see, you guys are
doing a great job. I'm listening to the shows. Again,
you guys are phenomenal, So just keep up your momentum
and just stay positive and keep your head on straight. Okay,
but again, I love all of y'all, continue to take
care of yourselves, continue to mind your mental do your

(48:56):
mental health checks. I'll continue to post those motivational post
on social media as well as my mental health checks
as well. You can come sit in a corner with
me and do some deep breathing and ride our mental
health and talk about it. Okay. For those that haven't participating,
I appreciate you so much for leaving comments and just
words of encouragement for someone else that may come along.

(49:18):
And if you have any ideas for the podcast, for
the platforms, whatever, please buy me. Do not hesitate to
reach out. Okay, but I love y'all. Continue to take
care of yourselves, but most importantly, continue to protect your
peace and take care of each other. Peace out. Thank
you for listening to an episode of Chronicles of a

(49:40):
Virgo podcast with me your favorite favorite virgal host, Shikia Johnson.
Your support means the world to me as I want
to continue to see you all prosper and grow. Please
join me back next Wednesday, where we will continue to
dive into more can it and empower our conversations that
we'll get you a step closer to step it into
a new individual. Remember you're not alone on your journey.

(50:03):
Please don't forget to subscribe to us on social media
at Chronicles of a Verbal podcast on all social media
platforms and the YouTube channel. Check out our website and
blog at chroniclesovivirbo dot website dot com. All links will
be listed in the description box below. Until next time,
beautiful souls, keep rising from those ashes and stay true

(50:25):
to here and know your girl loves you. Peace out,