Building a safe culture of consent and awareness ft Jess

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
This podcast is a production of UnfilteredStudios. If you would like to know
more about joining Unfiltered Studios, pleasevisit our website at unfpod dot com for
more information. Welcome to the Chroniclesof a Verbal podcast, the podcast dedicated
to the transformative journey of healing,mental health and personal growth. I'm your

(00:21):
favorite favorite verbal host Shakita Johnson,and together we'll continue to turn our vulnerability
into strength. As a sexual assaultsurvivor and mental health advocate, I have
a learn to sort through the ashesof my trauma and turn my pain into
power. And this podcast is representationthat healing is possible. And each episode
we'll dive deep deep into conversations aboutovercoming challenges, find an inn strength,

(00:47):
and emerging from life trials like aFeelings from the Ashes. We may even
have some friends drive by from timeto time. Get ready to be inspired
and empowered as we embark on arewarding journey of self discovery. So sit
back and relax and let's get intosome healing. All right, y'all,
Welcome back to another episode of Chroniclesof a Virgo podcast, and as usual,

(01:11):
I'm your favorite favorite favorite verbal hostShikita Johnson and today we are joined
by the lovely Virgo bestie, MissJessica. How are you doing today's sis?
I'm doing all right, doing allright, awesome. It's a nice,
bright sunny day here, and Iwill say the DMV but at least
Baltimore. You know, we standalone up here. Nice. We never

(01:34):
really recorded in the daytime, soyou know, we get some natural sunlight,
and you know, if we not, I think we well may maybe
like later in the evening when thesun's going down. So, yes,
you're right, this is like abright sunny day. We're recording this episode,
so we both got refreshing nights ofsleep, I hope, and we're
gonna have this lovely conversation. Butbefore we get into our conversation, we

(01:57):
have to do our mental health check. So if you are listening for the
first time, we've righted our mentalhealth on the scale of one to five,
five being that you are in agood space. One bend you're not
in the best space. You're managingthere is some room for pouring, but
you are doing okay. So justhow are you feeling? On the scale
of one to five, Love wouldsay a five. You know, I'm

(02:19):
a little tired, but at thesame token, you know, I feel
like we got the sunshine that definitelyhelps, you know, to seeing the
sun, and like it's not beingall dreary and rainy like it's been recent
recently. I feel like I've beenso drowsy throughout the whole week because of
the rain. But no, Iwould say, I'm you know, at
a five and just ready for springand renewal and just you know, fun,

(02:45):
yes, yes, and no tothe rain and the freaking wind.
Like the last couple of days havebeen so weird otherwise, and like my
body and energy has been reflecting that, you know, like yesterday, which
was Saturday, so we recorded thisepisode on a Sunday. I canceled all
my plans yesterday, you know.Shout out to Janelle for being so understanding,

(03:05):
supportive, But it was like Ineeded to just listen to my body,
and she did too, you know. So I couch surfed on my
own couch watching movies. Well themovies end up watching me, but I
just like chilled, and somehow Imistakenly turned the network off on my phone.
Whole nother story, so like nothingwas really coming in until I turned
it back on. So I'm like, maybe that was just like the universe,

(03:29):
like making sure I was at peaceand like off my phone and just
you know, vibing that I getback on in that this morning and be
like, oh my gosh, there'smore rap beefs, Like what the heck
done happened in like the last twentyfour hours. But yes, I am
so far the sun and official springhopefully soon. So my mentwelve on the
scale of one to five, I'mgoing to say that I am probably like

(03:52):
a four and a half five ish, just because like I'm still trying,
like my thing, my body isstill transitioning phase of you know, I've
been in training for this new joband listen, five o'clock Friday came and
I could not have been so muchmore happier, like to just be done.
I took well done for the week. I took my last big test

(04:14):
last Friday and I passed it.Like I have the worst test anxiety ever.
And I've been testing for two weeksstraight and next week, which starts
tomorrow, I'm moving to a differentphase of training and I'm like, lord,
please no more test, like Idon't want it. So like,
yeah, I'm like at a fourand a half five. You know,
my mind is in a good space. I'm feeling good, but I would

(04:34):
be even better if the weather continuesto be consistent with the sun and warm
warmness, you know. But again, yes, I do these mental health
checks as a way to hold myselfaccountable, to checking see how I'm feeling,
as well as hold my guests andlisteners accountable, to make sure you're
checking in with yourself, having thatinner dialogue, even if it's just for

(04:57):
a few minutes of a day,to just make sure or you're doing well,
and if you're not, try tofind out what the root cause is
and do something proactive, healthy,meaningful to help pull you out of that
whole feeling. All right, sosays thank you so much for participating.
And it's so funny because like thismorning, my cousin tweeted something about like

(05:18):
there being like a shift and energyfor like positive things. You say,
make sure y'all wear something very colorfuland bright, and I look down like,
well, listen, this is allyou go got my black on today
as okay, So let's get intothis conversation. So, with it still
being sexual Salt Awareness month, Iwanted to hold a discussion, a more

(05:43):
of an educational discussion, not justfor survivors of sexual salt awareness or survivors
of some type of traumatic experience,but everybody. A conversation about prevention,
consent, boundaries, and all thesethings different factors that fall underneath for that
because in my personal life, whatI realized recently having these conversations with people

(06:08):
is a lot of people are justwaking up to realizing that they may have
been victimized at some point and notknown because they don't know all these different
factors that couldn't potentially fall underneath eachof each of these umbrellas of things,
or they may have been the onecausing people to feel uncomfortable by doing some

(06:29):
of these things. So I wantedto have this conversation so we all can
like a take a look at ourselves, our own actions and things, as
well as continue to promote these thingsand promote people to talk about these things
and maybe address them. So thefirst thing that I wanted to start out
with is talking about consent and boundaries. Okay, so I went to our

(06:54):
good old sis Google and I pulledthe lovely definition. Because again, we
may think that we know what thingsare and what they truly mean. But
then when we see the definition ourherod, it may resonate with us a
lot differently. And doing my littleresearch and things, a lot of these
things, definitely they resonate with mea little differently. So according to Google,

(07:17):
consent is when one person agrees togive or give someone permission to do
something. Consent means agreeing to anaction based on your knowledge of what that
action involves. Okay, So keepthat in mind, and it's likely consequences
and having the option to say no, right, And it also paraphrases the

(07:43):
absence of no. Hear me loudand clear. The absence of no does
not mean yes. All right.So that is the definition for consent,
and the definition for boundaries personal boundaries, And I'm gonna use personal boundaries because
that's what we're specifically referring to.Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules, or
limits, okay, that a personcreates to identify reasonable, safe, and

(08:09):
permissible ways for other people to behavetowards them and how they will respond when
someone passes those limits. All right. So again, like I said that,
maybe those two definitions may be thingsthat you're saying, like, oh,
I already knew this and whatever,and that's perfectly fine. But I

(08:30):
guarantee you someone didn't look at thosethings like you did. So now,
moving forward, I want to focusthis part of the conversation on why it
is important to have consent in differentrelationship dynamics and to have boundaries in relationship
dynamics. So, yes, whydo you think or why do you know

(08:52):
that it's important to have proper consentin regards to in relationship environments. Well,
A, you shouldn't assume anything youknow, no matter what the situation,
no matter how often you may haveinteracted with somebody, no matter how
long you may have known somebody,you should never assume you know. Just

(09:13):
because I may have been comfortable withsomething yesterday does not mean I'm comfortable with
it today, and vice versa.I shouldn't assume it about you either.
You are responsible for articulating what youdo and don't want. You know what
you do and don't like. Don'tput that power in somebody else's hand.
Don't allow people to make a decisionfor you, because chances are they're going

(09:37):
to make the wrong decision for you. You know, And to me,
that's the only way you can confidentlymove forward with somebody is by giving consent
for X, Y and Z.Course there's a lot of things you can
give consent for, so of course, you know, when you think about
relationships, people typically think about veryspecific things. But I think that's a

(09:58):
part of the point the conversation isthat you can apply that to so many
different things. So you've got totake it out of the context of it
just being like romantic or sexual,and you know, it's a lot of
different things that can apply to mostdefinitely, and if you bringing up just
the whole sexual aspect in romantic,I want to dive a little bit deeper

(10:22):
into that. So because I wastalking to a friend a couple of weeks
ago and we were talking about thistopic has just been like roaming around evidently,
like you know, with things inthe news and social media. I
feel like, at least for me, my circle and other people I talked
to in a daily basis have reallybeen talking about a lot of these different
things because again, a lot ofpeople are waking up to experiences that they

(10:43):
have unfortunately been a part of.And I was talking to my friend and
we were talking about drinking, likebeing under the influence and having sex.
And I think at one point inour life maybe we used to think that
it was cool to get drunk andthen go have intercourse or you know,
people would that would smoke like weedor doing some type of drug. But

(11:05):
that was just like a natural thingthat people would do and it was just
so much fun. And hey,I'm not like, you know, shaming
anybody whatever. But the reality sideof that is there still has to be
full verbal consent before those things aredone, and if not, someone in
that interaction risk the risk risks,the chance of potentially being maybe charged with

(11:31):
something that they had no you know, that wasn't the plan. For example,
the example I gave my friend,I'm like, hey, if me
and you go out drinking, whichoccasionally we do, we you know,
we go outside, we have fun, whatever, and we go back to
your house and we have intercourse orwhatever the case may be. Because at
that point you just you know,you know, doing a dozen things.

(11:54):
I said, like, I couldwake up the next morning and go for
out charge and say this, Hey, this person did this to me.
I did not consent to this,and you will come back and say,
no, you did. Last nightwe were drunk and we did this,
and the mere fact of me beingdrunk equals impairment. It would be your
word against mine, you know whatI'm saying. So I found this nice

(12:20):
write up on the University of Tulsathat talks about alcohol and consent, and
one of the main factors is consenthas to be specific, like it has
to be verbalized and has to bespecific to what the person will allow and
maybe what they won't allow. Andunder the influence of alcohol or any other

(12:41):
type of drug, there still hasto be consent. And if let's say
consent is given and one of thoseparties maybe passes out during the time of
the activity, if the other partycontinues to participate, then that is a
form of rape. There's a performof ring. And I'm pretty sure about

(13:03):
now. A lot of people haveseen, you know, Law and Order
SVU, and you've seen examples ofthese things play out on that show as
well. So you just have tobe very very careful, be very very
careful when you are mixing like substancesinto just fun. And I can't believe

(13:24):
at my big age now that I'msaying this, but I'm glad that I
am, because when I was younger, these were things that I was not
thinking about. My friends, wewere not talking about. We were just
living life so freely, just doingwhatever. But now like more conversations need
to be had like this, andbecause of my own trauma and other things
that I've been through, I wantto continue to like hold spaces maybe to

(13:46):
talk about these things, to encourageother people to like, hey, just
be careful, be mindful, youknow. And also consent needs to be
clear. Okay, So like justsaid, like no, it is literally
a full sentence. If a personsays no, then there's no X,
Y and z. There is notrying to persuade them because moving into a

(14:11):
persuasive conversation that is another form ofassault, and that's called cohersion. Okay,
so is there anything else you wantto say about that consent topic before
I jump to the cohersion? Yeah, and sorry, if it's some noise
in the bandground, that's like amotorcycle going down the street and how to

(14:31):
be revenue engine doing the most Ithought it was that car, that car,
Yeah, but no, this isthis is what's so crazy. It's
crazy how in a situation where somebodycan feel comfortable about one thing, but
uncomfortable about something else, but you'dbe like, hold up, they don't
even add up. So granted,what we were just talking about the fact

(14:52):
that we can be so comfortable sharingour bodies with somebody or whatever the case
might be, but too uncomfortable toask for consent. So I just needed
to say that because I feel likepeople think it's awkward, you know,
or they feel like maybe they aredamfielding the mood or you know, messing
up the moment, but just likeyou are better off taking that minute to

(15:13):
just you know, make sure y'allon the same page versus things go down
and then, like you said,tomorrow it's a whole nother story. So,
like I said, you can't beso comfortable sharing your body with somebody,
and that has all that can haveso many consequences, but you're not
comfortable enough to just get consented.So definitely, and you know, listen,

(15:33):
we're women, like we have livedthirty plus years, right, We've
been in environments where we have peoplehave really tried to push us to do
things that may seem uncomfortable, andunfortunately we may have, you know,
did those uncomfortable things because we wantthis person to really like us, or
we want to be in the endcrowd and we want to have this.

(15:54):
Maybe a certain persona that like,oh she's down for nothing, you know,
down for anything. And I knowa lot of people like that or
that was like that not thinking that, oh, like this is like,
you know, manipulation and abuse tactics, you know. So I think it's
important that you like realize and acknowledgethose things now and be like, you
know what, like if I sayno, that's just what I mean,

(16:15):
you know. And that's what Italked about moving into like people trying to
like really push, push, pushand push, and it's just to satisfy
their needs or their wants at thatpoint, and it's like they are really
not even being mindful of what yourboundaries are or maybe what traumas or experiences
you have that make you say noor make you have certain boundaries in place.

(16:38):
So that's why I was talking aboutconhersion. And I want to play
a video because I got a videoand I know that you guys will hear
it because let's see, let's go, there's two minutes minutes. I don't

(17:02):
care if you said no for thefirst two seconds, you know, if
he if you feel some pression andto finally just say okay, yeah,
finally let's do it. That's coercionand you are so if you said no
for the first three seconds, no, no, why don't thank you?

(17:36):
So I've always from certain situations youcan put yourself in because the world we
live in you cannot trust certain men. So if you're a certain age you
get invited to a hotel party,I know I'm gonna be young. Y'all
been sure you've got friends that youtrust. The rock with the hotel parties,
aren't you? You're not? Allright? So what I only only

(17:56):
thing that I like slightly? Youwant to add to what she said because
everything she said is definitely true,but that can go both ways for girls,
you know, ladies and men.Right. So I came across that
video on TikTok, and of courseI'm like, yes, I loved this,
especially the person that's saying it becauseshe normally don't say things like that
all the time. But what struckme was the comments, Like the comments

(18:22):
were just it really made me feelsad because they are almost like fifteen hundred
comments, and the majority of thesecomments there are women saying that like looking
back I gave in so many times. This was the worst feeling ever in
my life. This hurts so bad. At my age realizing this was me,
someone said, we all have astory, and I mean, it

(18:44):
just goes on people saying that,like this was them realizing that their boyfriends
or their baby fathers did this tothem. And I'm stuck with this person
for the rest of my life nowbecause I got their kids, you know.
And that's what I was saying earlierabout how like we think sometimes that
we know what things are, andI think a lot of times we get
lost in translation thinking it could orwhat never happen to us, until we

(19:08):
hear it maybe like a different way, and we're like, oh, man,
like why had a similar situation,So maybe this really did happen to
me, you know. And likeshe said, it's very important to have
people around you that you can trust. But I think also on the caveat

(19:29):
to that is sometimes people that youcan trust are not always the most people
worthy of your trust, you know. And again social media and society has
shown us numerous situations where people havegone on these trips and you know,
they have been friends for years andthen that person ended up not coming back
because you know, they were killed, or just just something, you know.

(19:49):
So I felt like that clip wasreally important because have we ever been
coherst to do things that we didnot want to do? I mean,
of course, I'm pretty sure atsome time or another, every young lady
or every lady in general can probablysay yes to that. Now, it

(20:10):
may be different levels to that,and I guess I kind of want to
reference what she's saying about being avictim. I do kind of want to
be careful about that, only becausesometimes when you assess your own situations,
sometimes you know you could have stuckto your boundary and you chose not to,
you know what I mean. Sonot every situation is a victim type
of you know, outcome. Iguess you can say just because you gave

(20:34):
in, but it's still something toyou consider as far as you know,
how often is my significant other tryingto get me to do something that maybe,
in a moment I don't feel likedoing, you know, not in
a fearful type of situation, becauselike that's a whole nother story. Obviously,
not in an outright force type ofsituation, but just just like like

(20:56):
damn, like just leave me be, you know, because like people will
use things against you, like ifsomebody knows, okay, if I do
X, Y and Z on topof asking her, eventually she's going to
say yes, you know. Andit's like I said, it may not
be maliciousness or you know what Imean behind that. But at the same

(21:18):
token, it's like, why doesit feel necessary to have to keep hoking
the bear? I guess you cansay for me too, given versus just
letting me be in the state thatI'm in in that moment, which is
not right now, and then youknow, when I come around to it,
then we both on the same page. So I'm pretty sure all of

(21:41):
us have been in some situation oneway or the other way we felt course.
Yeah, And you know, noone's exempt from this right, whether
you are a single person, you'rein a relationship, or even if you
are married, because there is alaw just like the whole drinking by impairment,

(22:02):
and you can't consent in all thosedifferent things, like there is a
law called the I know I'm aboutto say this wrong. What is it?
Say it? Jess? Was itmarital? Yes? Because I don't
know why I kept wanting to sayMarshall. I don't know why that's how
it looked to me on paper.I don't know, but marital rate,

(22:23):
that is what it is called,and it's a real thing. I really
encourage you all to look that upfor whatever state or country or whatever you
may be living in. I onlylooked up the facts for the state of
Maryland because that's where I live at. And if convicted and sentence in the

(22:44):
state of Maryland for that, youcan get up to twenty five years.
Okay. So they do have sometype of you know, protection for married
couples and people that are in relationships, because I think a lot of people
think, well, like you know, when I'm married, it's just whatever,
Like when I wanted, I'm supposedto get it and you're supposed to
give it up. And that's notthe case, and you can be coherst

(23:07):
to do things, but it's stillfalse under that marital rate category. So
that's just something to like think aboutand again educate yourself on it. Maybe
talk to your spouse if you feellike this has happened. Hopefully no one
has ever dealt with that. Ireally hope no one has ever dealt with
a lot of these things but theun fortunate reality is some of us have

(23:30):
you know, and then with consent, right, we have boundaries. So
I think boundaries is like it's hardthough, right, because it's like especially
when you're like when you're aging andyou're just going through different phases in life.
And I feel like for me personally, I have changed my boundaries so

(23:51):
many times because I didn't necessarily haveboundaries and I was just like this free
for all maybe like a free forall spirited person. Boundaries really didn't some
boundaries did not exist. But whatI will say is like in intimate spaces
or whatever, just let you inmy business a little bit. There's this

(24:11):
thing I used to do or whatever. And I didn't realize until later in
life that it was actually putting upa boundary when I wasn't intimate space spaces
with people. But I did havelike do not do you know, like
hey, can you like I don'tlike these things like don't do this and
all these other factors. And forme, that list of things came from

(24:33):
my sexual abuse and my trauma andwhy I didn't want certain things done.
You know, I know some peoplein that aspect, you know, you're
down for not you're down for anything, and you made like little kinks,
and I mean, hey, that'syour prerogative. But some people really do
have things that they don't like,and that's boundaries that I think everyone should
be able to put in place andpeople should just respect that. But again,

(24:56):
unfortunately everyone doesn't see it that way, and people don't understand why it's
important you have boundaries, you know, No, definitely, and I feel
like boundaries they get developed through experience, you know what I mean. Like,
of course, there are general thingsthat maybe we get taught as kids,
you know, as far as boundarieslike respecting people's space and asking to

(25:21):
you know, do certain things xy Z. But even though general boundaries
that we may be taught as children, as adults or as we grow older,
we might choose to change those boundariesbecause we may be more comfortable with
things that other people aren't comfortable withand vice versa, you know what I
mean. So even those quote unquoteuniversal boundaries may not even stick true for

(25:41):
us personally as we go through life, because we're all different people, you
know. But once again my pointis, experience typically shapes your boundaries,
not only that, Like you know, we always say like we teach people
how to treat us. And Ifeel like and again I'm speaking from like
my past experiences, like being thatperson that did not have boundaries that let

(26:04):
people do and say whatever. Itestablished something in their mind that I can
continue to do these things because shedidn't say stop, like she didn't say
like no, don't touch me,don't do this, don't do that.
And now that I'm in the space, the more hilt and awaken space that
I am in, I'm able andI have been able to set boundaries and

(26:26):
really stand firm on them. Andit's always a reflect to me when someone
questions a boundary, and I'll giveyou a lovely example, like you in
my business a little more okay,Before I left and just know what it's
about to go. Before I leftmy last job, there was a guy

(26:47):
there that you know. In thebeginning, the conversation was like was good.
It was just like real friendly,like hi, and by how you
doing blah blah blah blah blah.But it was like really the gesture was
so friendly. It wasn't no likemaking me feel uncomfortable coming on to you,
And it was just like one ofthose things like we see each other
in passing and we would converse briefly. And the last couple of weeks that

(27:08):
I was there, mind, youhad seen this person so many times,
but the last couple weeks that Iwas there before I left, then it
came out that this person had likea you know, an interest in me
that I did not have for thisperson, nor did I like seek anything.
I didn't have any mixed signs likeit was none of that. And

(27:30):
when I explained numerous times to thisperson, like hey, that's not where
I'm at. I understand and appreciatethat you've been able to communicate these things,
but this is not what it is. This is what it is.
And there was also a boundary putin place about physical touch, like no,
you cannot touch me without my permission, even if it's just a hug,

(27:51):
like you have to ax, CanI give you a hug? You
know what I'm saying. There wasso much resistance and pushback to why I
felt how how I felt, andwhy was I being so difficult and why
was I being so direct? AndI've never had a person like really I
have, but to this extent,you know, I've never had a person
question me like that, I'm justlike, wow, like you are questioning

(28:15):
why you can't hug me without askingme, like, because you're still touching
my body, you know what I'msaying. So you should anybody you should
ask like, hey, is itokay for I mean to have a hook,
like however you word it? Andit was just like, I don't
know. The person got truly upset, and it was just a lot of
persuading being done to try to manipulateme into dropping my boundaries, letting my

(28:38):
guard up, and allowing this personto do and say all these different things,
you know, and I didn't allowit, you know. And for
better words, I was like,hey, you just need to probably just
you know, leave me the fuckalone, because otherwise someone is going to
get hurt out of this, andit's going to be one of them situations

(29:00):
where all of this could have beenprevented, you know. And that's why
I think it's important to be direct, to be clear, to be specific
in your boundaries, and given consentto what people can do and what they
cannot do. Because had I notdone that, now, did I give
in and allow the person to talkto me? Yes? Unfortunately I did,

(29:21):
because it became that annoying in asense, and I couldn't get the
person to leave me alone. Ifelt like, hey, maybe if I
give, like, let this persongive me a half a hug, this
person will leave me alone. Andit didn't. He didn't. But overall,
I shouldn't even had been in thatposition where I felt like I had
to give in. And unfortunately,so many people are in a situations or

(29:44):
are in or have been in situationswhere they felt like they had to give
in to a person and do whatthis person wanted them to do, because
maybe if I do this this onetime, they will be okay and satisfied
and they will leave me alone.But then, unfortunately, sometimes that's just
heightens people's because it's never that onetime, you know what I mean,

(30:04):
Like you shouldn't have to bargain withyour comfort, you know, you shouldn't
have to bargain with your security andX y Z. And unfortunately given in
at one time and at moment itkind of makes us feel like we're off
the hook. But then that fedthat person something. So now that they
have been fed, now they tryto find other ways to you know,

(30:26):
across our boundaries or whatever their agendais. They're trying to satisfy their agenda.
Definitely in your case, you know, that's somebody that you were familiar
with, but essentially they were astranger. So to me, that's a
big red flag. Like, asa stranger, why do you feel like
I have to explain my boundaries toyou? Like that'd be with somebody like

(30:48):
you legeit new And once again,it's not about having to explain your boundaries.
But if you know somebody and theyare so used to you being and
operating in one way, if you, you know, change your boundaries,
and obviously that might be a shockto somebody. So it's like, you
know, I don't mind explaining thatto somebody you know that I have a
close relationship with, But should Ihave to keep explaining it or keep you
know, having an expectation of whatever. It's like, no, this is

(31:11):
what it is now that you knowoperate with that understanding. You know,
if you can't respect my boundary,then it is what it is. And
I think that's a part of theproblem too. We may create and have
a boundary, assert the boundary,but because of how other people react to
it, we then fall back onour own boundary. We break our own

(31:34):
boundaries sometimes and it should not haveto be like that. And it's so
funny because, like you said,like you've given in satisfied whatever we're craving
or whatever that person wanted. AndI knew in that moment it did for
that person, like it gave thema boost. But then still in my
mind, I was like, thisis still no, not going anywhere.

(31:56):
I just I needed him to leaveme alone. And this person was a
person of power, so that goesinto a whole nother realm and speaking in
like environments of work, right,And then after it was done, the
person said, finally, I feltlike I was begging you, And I
said, you know, I said, FYI, moving forward in your life,

(32:17):
if you feel like you are begginga person for parts of them or
something of them, please know thatthat is a form of coheresion and it
may be uncomfortable to them for youto continue doing that, especially if they
already put that boundary in place,They've already said no. You have to

(32:37):
find it within yourself to be okaywith that, because God forbid, is
a you know, a trauma victimsuch as myself, and you trigger them.
You know what I'm saying, Likeyou don't know what can come out
of that, how they can spirallike you just have. You don't know,
And this is I'm like, thisis for your safety, right,
I like, I, this isfor your safety. But it was just

(32:59):
like duly no, and I highlybecause little this person is. I don't
think they cared enough. They justthought I was being an asshole. They
just saw I was being too direct. But again, you have to generalizing
things in some instances can really setyou up for danger or failure, you
know. And I have definitely hadmy share of encounters, and you know,

(33:22):
there's no surprise I've sat on theshow nervous times. Like out of
my intimate friends circle, I'm themore affectionate one, right, and my
friends are not. Jessica gonna tellyou like, I'm like the and always
has been like the touchy philly typeperson, lay my head on your shoulder,
a hug. You know, Iwant to cuddle and nestle up with
you, and they have I will. I guess the right word we use

(33:45):
is like maybe like adjusted to itbecause they know me and they know more
why I'm that way, right,But in reality, like should I have
asked? Or should I ask morelike, hey, is it okay if
I have a hug? Is okayif I touch your shoulder? It may
sound cliche, right, but generallyspeaking, you should ask because you are

(34:07):
you are allowing that person to makethat choice. You're allowing them to stand
in their power and dictate what youcan do to them and which you can't.
And had they told me no,then I'd just be like, okay,
you know, and I won't.I won't bother them. But and
I think we need to not onlylook at our friend circles, but like

(34:29):
even in families, you know,you have some family members that demand hugs
every time you see them, thatkiss you in your cheek. I've seen
relatives kiss on the lips and forme, I cannot understand a stomach to
understand, like why that is athing? You know, the four head
kisses and in some instances of someof these forms of affection can be innocent,

(34:50):
but in other ways they can beintimate. Right, you know that
people have four head kisses and intimatespaces, especially kissing on the lips,
certain type of hugs, like yourhands shouldn't be this below my waist,
A lot of things, and againit can be pure innocence, because it
can be looked at as pure innocence. Oh, it's my family, But

(35:14):
there are still boundaries that people shouldbe honoring. You know, just because
you're my father doesn't mean you getto do this. Just because you're my
mom doesn't mean you get to door say these things. Just because you're
my cousin, aunt, uncle,my mom, pop pop home, ever,
does not give you the power toviolate my boundaries. And those people

(35:34):
as well should be adherent to theconsent that you make, you know.
So again, that's something that Ithink and I would like us as a
community and collective to really think aboutwithin our own circles, within our own
families. And if these things mayexist, they are always ugly realizations,
right, but how can we makeit better? Like can we have these

(35:55):
conversations within our families and be like, hey, let me educate you a
little bit, you know, Imean, I think I've had to do
it. It's not the best conversationalways, but hey, as long as
I'm standing tentals down on, you'regonna respect me or you're just not gonna
be around me, then that's justit, you know, right, I
mean, it is what it is. Of course, your family space is

(36:16):
typically the first place where you're gonnalearn a lot of these things. You
know, that's that's your your initialclassroom before you go out into the world.
And then of course, you know, mostly what you do in your
house you do out into the worldbecause that's where your parents or your other
relatives showed you these particular practices andbehaviors and stuff like that. I think

(36:39):
the biggest downfall in a lot offamilies is that of sense of entitlement,
you know, because you have certainrelationships with people where it just seems to
be entitlement to people's space and youknow, to their body and X,
y Z, and like we're saying, like the situations are innocent in the

(37:00):
sense that somebody is not purposely tryingto do something bad or negative to somebody.
But people don't even give people thatspace of being an individual person.
You know, No, you're justtheir son or their sister, or your
mom or your you know what Imean. So, like people think about
people as far as their titles versusthem being an individual human being who you

(37:27):
don't know what they got going on, you know, you don't know what
they thinking of what they do anddon't like or but then the other the
downside of that too. And Iknow you could probably personally get test to
this. In a family space,you can one hundred percent be vocal and
say, you know, speak outor ask or xyz and be ignored.
So I think that, but no, I know, you know, so

(37:52):
it's like that's unfortunate, but italso shapes how you look at the world
because it's like, oh, ifin my own family space people not respecting
my boundaries or gaining consent from mefor x y Z, is that realistic
to expect people out in the worldto respect my boundaries or you know,
get consent and stuff like that.So people need to think about that put

(38:15):
two and two together, and theydo need to be comfortable with having these
conversations. Like you said, maybeI got to be the black sheep.
Maybe I'm the only person that's youknow, going to speak up about it.
But it's worth it, yeah,you know, and like you're honoring
yourself and doing that right because maybesomething has made you realize like these things
aren't right and you should be thechange you want to see around you.

(38:38):
And I know that it's hard ina lot of cases because you may get
pushed back, you may get somuch resistance, and a lot of our
family members may be older and theyare already stuck in their ways, stuck
in their thusts, and there's nothingthat can change that. I will be
okay with that, right, ButI'll be more okay with the fact that
I said something like, you know, just empowering my self to speak because

(39:00):
unfortunately a lot of people don't.And it's not just even you know,
I can advocate so much for likebelieving your children and having these type of
conversations with your kids, but it'slike not only having these conversations conversations with
your kids about stranger danger outside ofthe family, right, but these same

(39:22):
conversations so they can realize that thesethings can happen in the family and the
intimate family, in the church,in the school, like overall everywhere.
So you're like, the stranger dangeris not necessarily a person that you don't
always know, because statistics do showand I wish I had it that a
lot of times the percentage of peoplethat do harm children are people that they

(39:42):
know, that are close in thosethose families and friends circles and things.
So yeah, just having those conversationsabout boundaries and consent early on creating the
safe environment for your child or yourfamily to communicate things that make them uncomfortable,
things that may confuse them. ButI don't know all the answers,
but I know I can come hereand get the answers that I need,

(40:06):
even if it makes you feel uncomfortableas a person, right, because we
are not perfect beings. Sometimes wedo slip up, you know, But
it's just like validating that person's feelingsand experience and then trying to navigate a
path of healing, you know,putting you know. And I've seen people
on TikTok that have actually created differentbooks and different things that teach kids and

(40:29):
family about the full anatomy of aperson's body and consent, Like it's amazing,
Like this Black lady, a lotof people create, create these things
on COVID, you know, andjust continue to just thrive in these environments.
But things like that are important,and I get it. What I've
realized lately, even with me talkingmore about my abuse and all this stuff
this month specifically, I feel likeit's a lot of resistance, Like people

(40:53):
don't know how to respond. Peopledon't know what to say, and that's
perfectly fine, Like you don't haveto say anything or respond. Sometimes just
being there, being a presence,letting that person know like I see you,
I hear you, I support you. I may not fully understand your
experience, and I may not understandall the different parts of it, but
I do see you, you know, and I acknowledge that something may have

(41:15):
happened. And now you're in thisspace, you know, opposed to like
here we go again on social media, like you know, and that's a
whole nother conversation. But just gettingto that point to really empower yourself to
have these conversations and acknowledge that somethingmay not be right and having these conversations.

(41:36):
Moving towards the next topic about noticingdifferent red flags right now, these
can be red flags and intimate spaceswhen you're in a spouse, someone you're
you know, if you're dating,red flags just with strangers again with your
family, because I feel like nobody, like nobody is off limits right I

(42:00):
there's tons of reflex The main onesthat like cause I took I don't know,
I was journaling certain stuff. Butthe main ones that I have had
experience with has been possessiveness, lovebombing, isolation, gas lighting, and
kevin control and behavior like anything thatfalls underneath an umbrella of those. And

(42:23):
again these are like my specifics,I'm gonna let just acknowledge some red flegs
as well. Anything that falls underthose categories are red flags. And they
always start off very light, youknow, like the possessiveness like I just
won't always be around you, likeI just love you so much, I
just love your energy, I needyou to come here, I need you

(42:44):
like and I feel like you beSometimes people be so like glowy eyed and
they like, okay, they justwant me or this feeling, but just
want like that is a form ofpossessiveness like love bombing early on, you
know, making you know, butteringyou up, making you feel good,
buying you. All differ for things, things you never experienced, like and
don't misconstrue the line. Some peoplegenuinely do these things because they care and

(43:07):
they want to continue to have yourrelationship and dynamics evolve. But on the
flip side, right when you're speakingabout acts of a narcissism or just an
abuser overall, just a person who'sjust a horrible person. They have a
cycle of things that they do tosee if they can get the individual where
they need them. You know,I've had a person telling me before that

(43:31):
they wanted to move me away frommy damn family and friends red flag.
I'm like, why why do youget mad when I'm talking on the phone
at taxing my family and friends?Like why are you getting mad from sharing
my location? And like where doyou think you're going to get off out
moving me somewhere I ain't never evenbeen before, like on an island by
myself, And then I can't youknow, socialize, Like those are all

(43:54):
red flags, and of course likethe main ones like physical and mental emotional
science abuse, But again I understandthat everyone don't know how to acknowledge those
things that this could be what's goingon, or you may not have ever
had a situation with it, soyou don't know that you know, you're

(44:15):
a victim of any of these things, you know, So what's some reflects
to you that stands out when dealingwith just like you know, people,
I would say, guilt tripping,people trying to like make you feel guilty
about things that you know you shouldn'tbe feeling guilty about. But then for
some reason we feel like now wegot to explain stuff that we don't have

(44:38):
to explain people making you feel likeyou have to prove something to them,
when once again, I don't haveto do anything but stay black and die.
So no, and once again,what I may have felt yesterday,
I may not feel today. AndI have that right, you know,

(45:00):
long as I'm not leading you orwant to manipulating you, Like I have
the right to change my mind,I have the right to feel different,
you know, everybody does. Kindof going back to what you said about
isolative behaviors, but I'm just gonnaI'm just thinking about it from a different
standpoint, like more of a generalstandpoint. I know we talked about the

(45:20):
example before, like if you're likeout somewhere, you know, whether it's
like a public space or an eventor something like that, and somebody that
maybe you don't know or you're notcomfortable with, maybe wants to get you
into a different space with less people, less eyes on you. Like yes,
in the general sense, we getit could be a loud environment.
Maybe you're trying to talk, youcan't hear the point blank, If you

(45:44):
don't feel comfortable. If the personis just very insistent on trying to isolate
you or get you into a privatespace, then you know that could be
something to obviously be on the lookoutfor. What else, Cause I say,
it's so many when you get downto it, So I hadn't thought

(46:04):
about this before. I'm really justthinking about it right now. Sometimes people
will and it's kind of going backwhen you said about buttering up, but
I'm thinking about it in a veryspecific way. Sometimes people will appear vulnerable
to you, but it's false vulnerability. It doesn't mean that what you're telling,
what they're telling you isn't necessarily real, but they don't. The connection

(46:29):
that they're trying to create is nota real connection. It's more so let
me appear that I'm letting my defensesdown so I can get that person to
let their defense down. So maybeI'll just shared something random to you where
you're kind of like, oh,you know, like, oh, thank
you for telling me that. Butit kind of puts you in that same

(46:51):
space, that same soft space tolike open up to make you feel like
you're creating a bond. But it'sreally a manipulation tact. So I'm not
saying that to say that every timesomebody tell you something intimate or vulnerable,
that they're trying to manipulate you.It's just that you just gotta you know,
be aware to see, like youknow, I have discernment, right,

(47:14):
yeah, and not like I listento Like I'm very detailed oriented,
so like when people tell me thingslike, I listen, especially like something
like that, I listen to detailsbecause and I'm not saying that details can't
change, right, especially dealing withpeople that have really dealt with some like
something impactful, some serious trauma.It is like a feather, Okay,

(47:35):
there you go, something impactful.So sometimes there may be add on to
their story that is a real thing. Sometimes a lot of times when dealing
with like trauma victims, we dissociate. So there may have been a time
where we were being traumatized or whateverthe case is, and we have tried
to find a way to like erasethat from memory, and then later on

(47:59):
in life pop back up like,oh my god, like this also happened
too, So things couldn't be addedto the story. It doesn't make it
like unbelievable, doesn't mean that it'snot true or whatever. But if I'm
listening to this person's story. They'retaking their god down. They seeing like,
oh, like they are just beenthrough the most and now like different

(48:19):
things are starting to change. Ithought you said your mother was the one.
Now you said was your grandmother,So it was both of them.
Oh no, No, what Imeant was you know what I'm saying.
So you just gotta and I knowit's hard to remember everything that people tell
you or also like see how mucha person is actually talking, Like I
know, y'all, And we talkedabout it a couple of months ago,

(48:42):
the Reesa Tisa, the whole Legionguy that she was dating. One thing
that she said about him is likehe talked her so much and it was
kind of like so she could notkeep up with the things that he was
saying, and like her mind wasat one point like spinning. So that's
when she started recording things on herphone because I know he said this,
but this doesn't seem right. ButI'm a given benefit of doubt, and

(49:04):
I mean that's a whole nother experience. But some people will talk to you
in circles, so you won't rememberdifferent parts of this story. And you're
like, well, you know what. Damn, I don't even know what
the thing at this point, I'mgonna just you know whatever. So I
think that's something to look out foras well. And again there's so many
different red flags my intuition and tryingand really been having strong discernment has now

(49:31):
in my life. I swear Iwish I had it back then, Like
I swear I wish I had itback then, just because I wouldn't have
been so open and vulnerable to alot of treatment a lot of people.
Maybe I would have attracted a lotof situations to me. Maybe I would
have made better judgment calls and Ididn't. And that's okay. I've learned
from all those things. I've healedthem, or I am healing them now.

(49:53):
But if I can speak on certainstuff or give other examples just as
well to you, like kind ofprevent them things from happening again to a
myself or someone else, then hey, let's do it, you know,
because again, some of these thingsdoing this conversation that was thrown out might
have been things that you have experiencedor experiencing and you didn't look at it

(50:15):
how it truly is. So maybejust to give you a different outlet,
outlook of some of these keys andthings to prevention and safety. That's what
it is. So yeah, Andit was one other thing that I wanted

(50:36):
to talk about before we get outof here, and it was actually from
a podcast shout out to the fellasfrom the League of Kings part so I
did get permission to speak on thisfrom Willy, So thank you so much,
Willy. The Leaka Kings podcast isan amazing show for hosts Willy,
Jade I, the Resident big Brother, and Joe and they all have their

(51:00):
own individual podcasts as well, andthey talk about different things, but on
the Liga Kings they come together andthey talk about topics that I feel like
a lot of people don't talk aboutbecause sometimes I'm listening to I'm like,
wow, I've never heard this anywhereelse. Then they talk about things that
really make you think. They talkabout health, mental health, and things
that are from men of color perspective. Right. And a couple of episodes

(51:23):
back, I believe it was aResident big Brother had shared about a conversation
he was having with I believe itwas a female friend of his or something
in regards to the stigma around Iguess sexual harassment in the workplace, like
men versus women. And it reallyfirst when they first he first started,

(51:46):
I was like, oh gosh,like, how is this going to go?
Because I feel like men and womenare perceived differently a in work environments,
but when it comes to sexual assaultor any type of sexual violation anything,
men and women are always going tobe perceived differently, right, And
it raised some question marks in mebecause I'm like, huh, I would

(52:08):
be curious to know how many malecounterparts I've worked with that have been sexually
harassed and work and haven't said upand because it was done by a female
and they felt like they was notgoing to believe, or how many women
have been have allowed a man tomake a sexual past you know, are
inappropriate past at them just because ohthat's that's just Joe. We play like

(52:31):
that all the time, but inreality it was inappropriateness. You know these
work husbands, work wives, that'sa whole nother element. Yeah, So
it really made me think, like, how do people really perceive the dynamics
that work. And we talked aboutthis before. There's a lot of people
that be like, no one atwork is your friend. You can never
make works work at you can nevermake friends at work. And I would

(52:53):
like to say all my best friendsI met them at work, like we've
all worked together, right, Butthen on the other half, I'm like,
yeah, you need to use yourbest judgment and you're discernment about who
you share things with and how closeyou get to people. But when it
comes to that, just that physicalnessand you know, the inappropriateness, I
don't think that that's something that youshould just do with ever. You know,

(53:15):
you shouldn't do it probably at allthat work. But does it happen?
Yes, you know, And thenlike how is a person supposed to
respond in a situation like that?Like have you ever dealt with anything like
that in a work environment before?Not as far as like harassment per se.

(53:36):
Now have men definitely hit on methat I was I had no interest
in. Yeah, I mean thatthat's happened my whole work history. I've
been working since I was eighteen,you know, and I worked at different
places. So I feel like inevery work environment, somebody was attracted enough
to me to say something, youknow what I mean to like, you
know, shoot that shot or whatever. I So I won't Okay, No,

(54:01):
I just thought about something. SoI'm just hating in my mind,
so at my current job, andthis was a couple of years ago.
And to me, it has nothingto do with like us working in different
positions as far as like my interestsor whatever, like point blank period.
I'm just not interested in dealing withanybody that I work with for my work

(54:22):
environment. I did that once whenI was working at a different job,
and it didn't turn out bad asfar as the work environment. It just
did me didn't work out, butyou know, we were cool. Video
In this particular example, it wasa young guy. And this is another
thing too. He was significantly youngerthan me. And I know, you
know I look young. You knowI am young, but like you know,

(54:44):
most people think I'm younger than whatI am. So that kind of
plays a part in kind of mywhole perception of the whole situation too,
because it's like if you don't gotake a little young ass somewhere anyway.
This So this is when I stillwas working on the units, so I
wasn't like even off the unit atthis point. So this young guy who

(55:05):
worked in like environmental services, whenI say, like every single time he
saw me he had a comment,and it's just like sir, you know
how sometimes like you can have theinitial interaction with somebody and it's like all
right, this ain't like this,ain't it? But then maybe y'all can
become cool, you know whatever.Like no, it's like every single time
he saw me, he had tolike try his luck, like every single

(55:30):
time, and it's just like atthis point, you're annoying. Like of
course I didn't feel like threatening thelike see it was, it was nothing
like that, but it was justannoying because like, hey, I already
told you know the first time,so you did put a boundary in place,
yes, like the from the jump, like there was no like playing,
there was no like me laughing atoff. It was just like no,
like I'm not interested one bank periodand then at some point I made

(55:54):
it like apparent that that was asignificant age difference. So it's like because
of that alone, like if wemet on the street, I wouldn't be
interested, you know what I mean. So it's just like nah. But
it's like that went on like thewhole rest of his time working there,
and then like one day he justwasn't there no more. So I guess
he moved on, but it wasjust like who wants to put up with
that every day? Like, yes, it didn't go so far to where

(56:16):
he was like he was doing enough, but he wasn't doing the most,
you know what I mean. Butit's just like you don't you don't feel
like like I'm not the type ofperson who craves attention, so like some
people will play into it just forlike the attention factor of it, And
I think that goes into like apart of the bigger conversation we're having is
because something that is technically inappropriate cankeep going, going, going, going,

(56:39):
because you're feeding off the attention.Yes, you know. So it's
like people gotta you know, sometimesyou're playing with fire in those types of
situations because you may be taking itone way like it's innocent, it's harmless,
but that person who's pursuing you,you know, may have a whole
different story in their head, youknow, in the work environment, and
then that can spiral out of controland that needs to be some crazy stuff

(57:02):
going on at the job with someother people that like spilled over, you
know, into like the public versuslike just whispers or verses like versus people
just private situations. It's like,no, it's spilling over into the units
now, like people coming on tothis unit to confront this person and dada,
I'm just saying, what in theworld. But it probably could have

(57:24):
been prevented from the jump, preventedfor multiple reasons though, Hey, people,
a lot of people in the workplace, Like, yes, you definitely
have some predatory people. We knowthat one hundred percent. And it doesn't
even just have to be the bossthat's predatory. Anybody can be predatory,
you know. But you have alot of situations where it's hookup culture,

(57:46):
you know what I mean. Soit's like people are just hooking up.
It's not serious, but depending onthe dynamics of the circumstance, you know,
you got the one person who maybe taking the more serious than the
other person. And then you gotpeople who aren't mature enough to know how
to handle that in general, butespecially in that type of environment, and
then it affects their work life,and then you got rumors going on,

(58:09):
you got people potentially getting fired andxyz, and it's just a mess.
And you know what, that justreminded me of something so like my my
last job, Like it was aroundwhen I like first like around the time
when I first first started, beforemy company initial company was acquired by my

(58:31):
current company or whatever. There wasthis guy that was in a total from
department and he was like very friendly. He was friendly to everybody, a
lot of people like really like youcan tell when he would speak to certain
women, they would just like,oh my god, they were just like
blushing glow. And I'm just like, I mean, he all right.
You know. At this point inme meeting him, I was engaged,

(58:52):
so it was you know how it'slike when you in serious relationships, you
don't pay nobody no mind. Butfor some reason, it seemed like everybody
you when you engage and all thatother stuff or you in a relationship.
But like so I used to likespeak to him in passing once again because
he was just friendly and like Isaid, I'm like, oh, he's
been there for a year, sohe got a he kind of got a
good reputation. And we used tocommunicate through through Skype before we had transition

(59:19):
to teams, so like you know, you can talk to your like department
or whatever. And the first redflag but again sometimes reflax to me back
then with green Flat Green Flags waswhen he found me on Skype because I'm
like, how do you know myname? You know, like and like
either my first or last name,but you found me, so hey,
what's up? Whatever? So itwas just like, you know, general

(59:42):
conversation. I didn't know anything abouthim until I mentioned it to my one
friend, like yeah, he's superlike he's he's super friendly, Like who
is he? And she was justlike look him up? And I'm like
I did, like we on thecomputer. She was like no, and
I hate to laugh because I didn'tunderstand what she meant. She's like,
no, look him up. Soif you live and if you live in

(01:00:05):
Maryland, you already know what.Look him up me. So I went
to KSE search. He had domesticviolence, sexual assault, like he had
a background, and I was like, how the fuck did he get this
job? And he was a vettoo, So I'm like so confused at
this point, and my friend sharedwith me some stuff and she personally knew

(01:00:25):
that he had done to someone else, and I was just like ever since
then seeing him, I was justlike, God, please remove this person
from any aspect around me, LikeI don't want to come in contact with
him. Like in passing and speakingbecause I'm not going to ask him,
like, yo, hey, Ipoured you're freaking Maryland kse search and I
see this only from Maryland, LikeI didn't even think the look anywhere else,

(01:00:50):
But like who wants to see thatat somebody that a works at the
job. So like you said,people can have passed and outside lives that
you don't really know about. Andhad it not been for me to tell
my friend my coworker, like yes, he's starting to like really talk to
me and engage in conversation and hernot to say look him up, I
would have never looked that man upbecause I'm not looking to pursue anything with

(01:01:12):
you. We worked together. We'rein different departments, but like you come
up here for meet in different things, so like I want to continue to
have like a pleasant relationship and rapportwith you. But after I saw that,
I was just like mmm, Andthen COVID happened, so like I
ain't see nobody yet, you know, but like you just have to be
careful when dealing with people in thosespaces. And had I not did any

(01:01:37):
of that telling my friend or whatever, who knows what he could have did
or set to me, you know, and it's like, hmm, what
I have had the when I whatI have had the courage to like tell
my supervisors like, hey, thisperson did this and then flipping the script
if it was a man like thepart like on the podcast the Lead of
Kings they were talking about, woulda man have had the courage to go

(01:01:59):
to his supervisor maybe it is thesupervisor that's making the passes. Would you
have the courage to go above thatperson's hit us the HR and be like,
hey, so and so is doingthese things to me, or she's
saying these things to me, orhe's doing X, Y and Z and
saying these things. And the realityis a lot of people don't and not
everybody's in a situation to just findanother job or whatever the case might be,

(01:02:20):
like we know how the job marketis nowadays, or it's not the
easy or people just got situations athome. But you can't just you know,
you can't afford to like not beworking, so like you know,
you may be forced to be inan uncomfortable environment, you know, until
the situation resolves, if it doesresolve itself. And like you said,
because one of the gentlemen on theshow was saying something like if the guy

(01:02:45):
was making and I believe so,fellas. If you're listening and I get
this wrong, police don't charge it. Don't charge it to me. But
I believe I heard an example usedof if a man is making, you
know, technically inappropriate passes at thatwoman and she likes him, she will
let those things slide because she likesthem. But if it's a man doing

(01:03:05):
it and she doesn't like then that'swhen she will raise a problem. Right,
And it goes back to what yousaid. You never know what people's
real intentions are. You can perceivethings like, oh, it's just it's
just playful, it's nothing serious,but that person may be perceiving it like
she or he is allowing me tostay and do these things, so they're
feeling they're feeling me and vibing theway that I am, but in reality

(01:03:27):
they're not, because hey, wegot to go home, we got husband's
wives, girlfriends, whatever, andthat person is like, no, like
I thought we were on the samepage, you know, And to bring
it off for a circle like thisis where speaking up and creating the foundation
of having healthy boundaries a for ourselfand having a conversations around consent comes into

(01:03:49):
place because it does not just playout in your personal life with your family,
with your friends, but in herwork environments. You know, and
hopefully jobs are doing more trainings thanthings. I know the item took so
many trainings last week about this,and I'm not like annoyed with it.
I love the fact that this newjob I have they do that. My

(01:04:10):
last job definitely did too, ButI'm over test. That's the whole point.
I'm like, oh my god.But I hope more jobs and more
companies are picking up and doing it, because hey, some people just proceed
to be super friendly, but they'resuper inappropriate and it needs to know that,
like why did these feathers keep comingwith this? They need they need

(01:04:30):
to respect the arn't of people's boundaries, and consent needs to be a thing
that is like carried out and ain'tto take it a little further just to
put other things out there that mayjust apply to other people. You know,
sometimes people are preyed upon people ofthe same gender, you know what
I mean. So it's not alwaysgoing to be a man going after a
woman and a woman to be aman, you know, being inappropriate with

(01:04:54):
another man and a woman being inappropriatefor another woman. So it's like,
you know, you got to beable to look out for those things too,
because I'm pretty sure that really affectsthe dynamics for how people handle those
situations or don't handle those situations,you know. And you know, if
it happens to be somebody in ahigher position than you, you can't from
the jump be vocal and a certainboundaries, but they may decide to make

(01:05:14):
your life a living hell, youknow. So it's like it's so many
things to consider, you know,in that type of environment. And lastly,
kind of going back, because youwere just saying about somebody could be
very friendly but being inappropriate. Youdo have a percent of people who may
truly be ignorant, you know,not be aware of how like their behavior
is coming off. And even thatcan be hard to kind of approach somebody

(01:05:35):
on because it's like, you know, when you kind of know somebody,
you kind of like, damn,like I don't think they may no harm,
you know, So it's like youdon't want to offend them, you
don't want to get them in troubleper se. But in the same token,
in the long run, eventually thatwill catch up to them. So
it's like if you are willing tomaybe be that person to try to like
put that person on like it's uplike you know, don't I don't think

(01:05:58):
this is your intention, but thisis how this is coming off. You
know, maybe maybe that can helpsomebody, And it don't mean they even
doing something. You know, youmay not be the person that they're doing
anything too. It's just like youknow, basically when you see something,
hopefully you feel brave enough or likeyou're able to say something like I understand
it's not always comfortable to you know, be in certain situations and stuff like
that, but it's like, Ithink that's a part of the problem.

(01:06:21):
Too many people are too comfortable withbeing quiet. And I get it,
like we all got stuff going onyou don't necessarily want to jeopardize. But
at the same toping as everybody's beingquiet, if nobody's speaking up, speaking
out, then the same thing justhappens over and over and it's just a
toxic environment, you know for everybody. Yeah, it's like work trauma,

(01:06:44):
like like how generational trauma goes.A lot of times, generational trauma continues
because people don't say anything. Peoplecover it up, and it just continues
to happen and happen and happen.It's the same thing in work environments.
People will cover up things and thingswill continue to happen because people think they
can gonna be able to continue gettingaway with it. You know, we
had a keynote speaker that came acouple of years ago for our inclusion and

(01:07:08):
Equity session that my job was having. They we had it every June,
different speakers and things will come.And I can't pronounce her last name,
but her first name is Lovey,and she's on social media. I follow
her. I love everything about thiswoman. But she has a book called
The Good trouble Maker and it's forpeople that you know, there aren't work

(01:07:29):
environments. And she was saying,sometimes you have to be that good troublemaker
to speak up against things that arehappening in the work environment. And literally
a week after she said that,maybe like three or four girls that I
worked on my team was saying,how this guy in the mail room,
like they only we had to goin during COVID to do mail, so

(01:07:51):
we would go in and go out, and like they would go they went
to go do mail. The nextday, he was messaging them, so
you done looked up all of theirnames. Not only that he for requested
on Facebook. Mind you, itwas while in the office. It was
just formal conversation, like, hey, can you show me how to do
X, Y and Z because I'venever been here before. It hadn't happened

(01:08:12):
to me. But I was aboutto go in the office. So guess
what I did. I told myboss. Yes, I was speaking on
behalf of the girls that came tome because they were afraid to say something,
So I said something. I didn'tlike my boss's response because she was
finding every freaking reason why the jobmay say that these things were okay,
and I'm like, there's nothing okayabout anything that he did. I said,

(01:08:36):
looking up my personal information for anyreason besides your job's duty, doing
it without my permission, but thenaccess to my shoulcial lord, yeah,
every day messaging me even if Iignore you. So I'm like, okay,
whatever, long story short, shedid report it because if she didn't,
I was gonna go above her headbecause you know, I'm the good

(01:08:58):
troublemaker. He ended up getting terminatedbecause it was evidently a history. No
one said anything, and like whenI because when I did go and he
wasn't there, and I'm like,I'm glad that he wasn't because like,
had she not handled him, Iwould have handled him myself, you know.
But he, Yeah, he didget terminated because it was I guess

(01:09:19):
when she came to me, shesaid, evidently this has been a thing.
And I'm like, and here yougo saying that, Oh, like
maybe he's just wanting to be friends, Like it's none of that, but
that's still inappropriate. It doesn't matter, it's inappropriate. I'm like, it's
something wrong with him, like andI'm not being facetious when I say that,
but like it's something cognitive like notdeveloped, because there's no way that

(01:09:42):
you can think that that was theright thing. But needless to say,
that just goes to show like,hey, somebody sometimes got to be that
person to break that barrier. Like, hey, it didn't happen to me,
but I know people that did happento And before I and somebody probably
like, oh you snitching, Idon't care, call me what you want.
But before I, that's something tomy boss about it. I asked
them women who I'm all still friendswith to this day. Do you mind

(01:10:05):
if I say something like if you'rescared, I'm not, like I'm not.
And they didn't. They didn't,you know, they didn't care,
even though like to fulfill the wholeinvestigation, they had to like talk,
but it wasn't like anything had beenlike really bad done, besides the fact
that like here's all these messages whichthey can clearly see, and then they

(01:10:26):
have screenshots of like him messaging themon Facebook and the firend quests. I'm
like, bro, you are weird, Like you're weird. And then then
that would be the type of stuffto get ignored because they're like, oh,
that's low level. But then itescalates to something different than nobody ever
thought was going to happen. Soit's like some stuff you got to nip
in the bud, like don't youdon't let it get that far mm hm.

(01:10:48):
And if you are, if you'rea person of power, like a
supervisor manager, and that may havehappened because I know, I think my
manager Tom was wondering why no onewanted like they didn't feel comfortable coming to
her. Maybe you need to checkyourself and how you respond to your employees,
because I know for a fact thatwas part of the problem with that
particular manager that we had. Noone felt like they could talk to her

(01:11:10):
about certain things because look, whenI went to you, you said,
well, maybe it's just him beingfriendly, And I said, do you
not see all the cases of peoplebeing friendly in work and it turns out
that that woman done being killed orsomething like that. Whether it's being friendly
or not, something needs to besaid, something needs to be done.
You know. So again when peoplesay, whether you're in a work environment,

(01:11:33):
personal friends, family, oh wehave an open door policy, what
does that open door policy really consistof? Because you need to remove your
judgment from that a and validate thatperson's experience and the things that they are
saying, and then move forward witha conclusion that can you know, work

(01:11:54):
full circle for everyone not protecting theperpetrator, like because in that case her
like not trying to go forward.It's like, well, maybe you're going
to continue to protect this guy.And then look what happened. It came
out that he has been doing thislike the other guy like it just stop
it, stop it. But thishas been a very good conversation. What

(01:12:16):
do you say Yeah, it's somethingelse I wanted to bring to the table
just because we didn't really touch onit. But I think it's really important
to you touch on it, andthat is physical boundaries and primarily protecting and
respecting people's personal space. And thereason I want to bring that up is
because, like a lot of times, that's the easiest way maybe to get

(01:12:39):
somebody's attention, but you have tolike be aware that not everybody wants to
be touched. And I'm thinking aboutit in a few different ways, but
like specifically I'm thinking about it likejust navigating the world. You know,
if I'm walking by, do notgrab my arm? Do you get what
I'm saying? Like that's different,like if you're like trying to go past
somebody saying this, do you useme? But I think it's important to

(01:13:00):
talk about definitely as us being womenand talking about our personal experiences and how
we have probably dealt with men orlike people out into the world. Once
again, he's a conversation that weneed to have together, you know what
I mean. We should be comfortablesaying these things. Hopefully they can receive
it, and it needs to becomfortable telling us the stuff that maybe that
we do so young men, oldmen, men, because they the young

(01:13:26):
ones. It ain't just the youngones. Please be mindful of our personal
space while out in public. Youknow, do not grab us, do
not touch us. That is notthe appropriate way to get our attention.
Use your words, and even inusing your words, be respectful. If
I do not want to engage,we do not want to engage. Go

(01:13:49):
about your business. Yes I agree, And do not pull up next to
me in your car because nine outof ten I'm gonna reach in my purse.
And you know, we don't alot of people have the right to
carry. A lot of states youdo have the right to carry. And
like women nowadays are walking around withthings on them, whether it's a peep

(01:14:12):
or it's some other safety gadget,because there are so many out here nowadays,
you know. So just like justsaid, for men to you know,
watch your boundaries with women. Itcan go both ways for women as
well, because I think a lotof times as a woman thinking that you
can just do whatever to a manand he's not supposed to feel some type

(01:14:34):
of way. And it may bethings that a man likes, you know.
I know someone that like aggressive womanfor whatever reason, everyone does not
in the same way you want yourboundaries and things respected, you should be
doing the same thing for that man, whether you know him or not.
If it's a stranger. Listen,I want to respect your boundaries to the

(01:14:56):
full extent because I don't want astranger to misinterpret my boundaries or do something
that makes me feel uncomfortable, andthings like that, you know, and
not even just men respecting women's andwomen respecting men, but please respect children's
boundaries. And please, parents,please, please, please, please please

(01:15:17):
please work on your child honoring anotherchild's boundaries, honoring adults boundaries in space,
and work with them on creating theirown boundaries that you know they can.
Allow them to have boundaries against youas a parent, allow them to
have boundaries towards other adults and havethat conversation with them. And some people

(01:15:41):
may be like, oh, that'sso stupid. No, it's not stupid,
because again, a boundless child willallow anything. And as the parent,
you know, those things start athome. You are the foundation in
the core of that child's development.They're going to school, they're going to
like sporting events. Some people maylike their kids go to sleepovers, which

(01:16:01):
I would contest to that, butanywhere, you just want to make sure
that your child is being respectful andrespected, you know, because nowadays in
school, these young kids are doingthings to each other and it may come
off to be okay because no onehas taught them that it's not okay,
you know. So I think that'sa whole nother conversation for another day,

(01:16:25):
but at least open up the doorsof communication. I know a lot of
parents that have like middle schoolers andteenagers, and they've already started talking about,
like you know, boundaries and sexand different things, abuse and all
of these things. Continue. Itdoesn't matter they get annoyed, continue because
they will love and respect you somuch more later on in their life when
they may face these things, orthey may know someone else that has faced

(01:16:49):
them or facing them, and becauseyou've done instilled all these things in them,
now your child may be the onehelping that child through something. You
know, Like I feel like,you know, that's important, and I
speak on that because you know,I was abused as a child, and
it's not that and I've said thisnervous times. It's not that my family,

(01:17:09):
my mom, my grandmother and themdid not have these conversations with me.
But these conversations, now that Ilook back at it, were not
clear enough. Well, why didn'tyou say anything? Because this person that
did this was my supirit was ina position of superurity, like this person
I had to respect. So I'mgonna I thought I had to do everything

(01:17:30):
that this person told me I hadto do. I was afraid, like
different reasons, you know. Somake sure in these conversations, whether it's
with your child or another doubt,you are very clear and specific. And
if someone doesn't understand, hopefully you'llbe able to define things in the way
that they can understand. And youguys can work, you know, work

(01:17:54):
your way through that. But justplease have these open doors of communication and
have these type of conversations. Yes, definitely between the genders, with your
loved ones, with your friends,with your significant others across the board these
things, and with yourself. Ithink that's important. I think a lot
of times, why the reason whywe don't speak up about certain things because

(01:18:16):
we ourselves aren't settled on something oraren't comfortable with something. So it's like
you got to get your own selfto a place of understanding and comfortability about
what you do and don't like,and do and don't want to be able
to like confidently speak on it toother people as far as a certain your
boundaries and consent and stuff like that. Yeah, because trust and believe me.

(01:18:38):
If someone if you have a boundaryand the person that you know,
whatever, if you're dating or theyand they don't like it, trust me.
Trust and believe me, there's someoneout there that will respect it and
that will like you ten times more. You know, you don't have to
go the overarching to the overarching pointover you are coming outside of yourself because
me, like thinking back to likethe moments when I took my walls down

(01:19:00):
and did things that I really didn'twant to do or whatever. I didn't
feel like it was me doing it, Like I didn't feel like I feel
like I was kind of like anouter body experience. And sometimes I think
back now it's just like, yeah, some assets of really like, you
know, a hard pill to swallow. But moving forward, I know that
I know how to stand firm inmy boundaries and clearly I know how to

(01:19:26):
communicate things even if a person exactlylike they ain't understand, I understand it,
but never feel pressured they never feelpressured, and if you do,
maybe that it's time for you tolike be more specific and have you know,
conversations with that person period. It'slike, or remove yourself from the
situation, because at the end ofthe day, nobody is entitled to anybody

(01:19:46):
else under any circumstance. And itmay sound corny, but maybe you got
to develop some cold words and coldphrases with you and your loved ones.
You know, yes, definitely,So, oh, I hope this conversation
resonated with someone or you guys thatare listening will pass this on because I

(01:20:08):
feel like we gave some really valuableinformation and a lot of these things were
from our personal experiences or just thingsthat we see, so I think that
makes it matter more. They're like, Oh, someone in the flesh really
has dealt with this, and here'show they have moved forward to not only
developed more safety measures around their ownlife and the people that they love,

(01:20:29):
but also abhooring these things outs otherpeople. So hopefully you guys share this
with someone you know this conversation mayresonate. Thank you, Jessica for all
of your wonderful insight on this topic. Is there any final words. That's
it. I hope people just openup and communicate. It's about toime.
You know, it's been time,but it's really time. Yes, and

(01:20:54):
be safe because it's so much goingon in social media in the world and
unfortunately we may not can prevent somethings from happening, but by being alert,
vigilant and educating ourselves, we canprevent a lot, you know.
But yeah, thank you guys forjoining us for this episode. If you
are not following me on social media, please go tap in with me at

(01:21:16):
Chronicles of a Vigal podcast on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, TikTok, and
YouTube. Become subscribed to the channel. If you would like to connect or
talk to me, reach out tome Chronicles of a Virgo twenty two at
gmail dot com. Just be patientin my response. Okay, because life
has been life in in the professionalworld. But I'm getting back on track

(01:21:40):
with things all right. And yesagain, I hope you guys really took
something from this conversation and use itto you know, educate your loved ones,
your friends, family, home,ever, but also take a look
at your own life and try tounderstand if there are things that you may
can do better or things that maybeyou need to stop doing okay, and

(01:22:02):
until next time, good people,take care of yourselves, but most importantly
each other. Peace out. Thankyou for listening to an episode of Chronicles
of a Virgo podcast with me yourfavorite favorite verbal host, Shikita Johnson.
Your support means the world to meas I want to continue to see you
all priser and grow. Please joinme back next Wednesday, where we will

(01:22:26):
continue to dive into more can itand empower on conversation that we'll get you
a step closer to stepping into anew killed individual. Remember you're not alone
on your journey. Please don't forgetto subscribe to us on social media at
Chronicles of a Verbal Podcast on allsocial media platforms and the YouTube channel.
Check out our website and blog atChroniclesovivirgo dot website dot com. All links

(01:22:51):
will be listened in the description boxbelow. Until next time, beautiful souls,
keep rising from those ashes and staytrue to here and know your girl
loves you. Peace out,

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