April 13, 2024 • 43 mins
"1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime while only 25 out of every 1,000 rapists will end up in prison."
Welcome back to another episode of Chronicles of a Virgo Podcast. In light on Sexual Assault Awareness month, I will be delving into some raw parts of my healing journey and speaking on some lessons and realizations I learned along the way.
In this episode, I discuss:
-How acknowledging my pain and hurt from my sexual trauma enhanced my healing journey
-The benefits that addressing my sexual trauma in therapy had on my life and the main lessons that I learned along the way
-The process of self-forgiveness and learning to forgive my abuser and how it helped my healing
-Encouragement and words of affirmation for other survivors or anyone else carrying a heavy load or experiencing bumps in the road
Opening up about my own personal experiences with Sexual Abuse has been both scary and empowering as I found different ways to navigate my past and the impact it had on my life. This episode serves as a testament to the resilience of my human self and the transformative power of facing our deepest wounds with courage and compassion.
To other victims of trauma and abuse, please know that I see you! I support you and I love you! Together, we will continue to navigate the depths of our healing and step by step reclaim our voice and stand in our power.
Hear my story of my Sexual Abuse:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLEVtzIZ5w7zm9bIvBc3kmVR9izPu2N9Qu
Ways to connect with me:
Website and blog: https://chroniclesofavirgo.wixsite.com/my-site
IG: https://www.instagram.com/chronicles_of_a_virgo_podcast
FB: https://www.facebook.com/ChroniclesOfAVirgoPodcast
Twitter: https://twitter.com/___Chiquita___
Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@chronicles_of_a_virgo
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@Chronicles_of_a_Virgo_podcast
Resources for Sexual Assault Awareness and support:
- https://www.rainn.org/
- https://www.nsvrc.org/
- https://www.joyfulheartfoundation.org/
Resources for Mental health:
-https://borislhensonfoundation.org/
-https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline
-https://988lifeline.org/
-https://www.badbitcheshavebaddaystoo.com/
Disclaimer: "This podcast and website represents the opinions of Chiquita Johnson and her guests to the show and website. Views and opinions expressed in the podcast and website are our own and do not represent the place of any mental health or medical professional.
Welcome back to another episode of Chronicles of a Virgo Podcast. In light on Sexual Assault Awareness month, I will be delving into some raw parts of my healing journey and speaking on some lessons and realizations I learned along the way.
In this episode, I discuss:
-How acknowledging my pain and hurt from my sexual trauma enhanced my healing journey
-The benefits that addressing my sexual trauma in therapy had on my life and the main lessons that I learned along the way
-The process of self-forgiveness and learning to forgive my abuser and how it helped my healing
-Encouragement and words of affirmation for other survivors or anyone else carrying a heavy load or experiencing bumps in the road
Opening up about my own personal experiences with Sexual Abuse has been both scary and empowering as I found different ways to navigate my past and the impact it had on my life. This episode serves as a testament to the resilience of my human self and the transformative power of facing our deepest wounds with courage and compassion.
To other victims of trauma and abuse, please know that I see you! I support you and I love you! Together, we will continue to navigate the depths of our healing and step by step reclaim our voice and stand in our power.
Hear my story of my Sexual Abuse:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLEVtzIZ5w7zm9bIvBc3kmVR9izPu2N9Qu
Ways to connect with me:
Website and blog: https://chroniclesofavirgo.wixsite.com/my-site
IG: https://www.instagram.com/chronicles_of_a_virgo_podcast
FB: https://www.facebook.com/ChroniclesOfAVirgoPodcast
Twitter: https://twitter.com/___Chiquita___
Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@chronicles_of_a_virgo
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@Chronicles_of_a_Virgo_podcast
Resources for Sexual Assault Awareness and support:
- https://www.rainn.org/
- https://www.nsvrc.org/
- https://www.joyfulheartfoundation.org/
Resources for Mental health:
-https://borislhensonfoundation.org/
-https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline
-https://988lifeline.org/
-https://www.badbitcheshavebaddaystoo.com/
Disclaimer: "This podcast and website represents the opinions of Chiquita Johnson and her guests to the show and website. Views and opinions expressed in the podcast and website are our own and do not represent the place of any mental health or medical professional.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
This podcast is a production of UnfilteredStudios. If you would like to know
more about joining Unfiltered Studios, pleasevisit our website at unfpod dot com for
more information. Welcome to the Chroniclesof a Verbal podcast, the podcast dedicated
to the transformative journey of healing,mental health and personal growth. I'm your
(00:21):
favorite favorite verbal host Shakita Johnson,and together we'll continue to turn our vulnerability
into strength. As a sexual assaultsurvivor and mental health advocate, I have
a learn to sort through the ashesof my trauma and turn my pain into
power. And this podcast is representationthat healing is possible. And each episode
we'll dive deep deep into conversations aboutovercoming challenges, find an inn strength,
(00:47):
and emerging from life trials like afeelings from the Ashes. We may even
have some friends drive by from timeto time. Get ready to be inspired
and empowered as we embark on arewarding journey of self discovery. So sit
back and relax and let's get intosome healing. What is up, y'all,
and welcome back to another episode ofChronicles of a Virgo podcast, And
(01:10):
as Jujuel, I'm your favorite favoritefavorite Virgo host t Keita Johnson, and
yes, I come before you allon this wonderful Saturday. It's not our
normal Wednesday release date, but weare here on a Saturday, okay,
So thank you guys for joining meback for another episode. And I hope
you guys are doing well. Hopethat your April is off to a fabulous
(01:33):
start. Hope that your mental healthis good. Hope that your body and
your wellness, all those lovely thingsand aspects of your life. Oh all
of you guys are doing well.And just know that your girl is sending
you lots of love and some goodpositive vibes. So please embrace all of
this love and good old vibes I'msending you off. So, yes,
we are putting this out on aSaturday, outside of our normal Wednesday.
(01:56):
But don't worry, we're gonna getback on track. I'm gonna let y'all
my business a little bit. Lety'all know what's been going on. Before
we get into all of that,we got to start off with our lovely
mental health check. So today,on the scale of one to five,
your girl's mental health is coming intoday at a strong four four and a
half. I'm like in between.Right. Mentally, I'm amazing. I
(02:20):
am doing amazing today. Mentally,Physically, I'm tired. I finally got
out of that whole run of likewhen I'm tired, i'm depressed type thing.
So I love that for me.Mentally, I'm in a really good
space. Physically, I probably needsome more rest, some relaxation, some
more self care. However, Iknow exactly where the fatigue and all this
(02:44):
stuff has been coming from these lastcouple of weeks, and I'm gonna tell
y'all, but I have been takingthe right measures to make sure that my
body is moving. I've been doingmore meditations, more stretches, trying to
work out more, all of thoselovely things. Okay, So again,
we do these mental health checks asa way to check in with ourselves,
(03:05):
have the inner dialogue to see ifyou're feeling low, like, how are
you truly feeling today? Is yourmind wandering? Is your body feel intense
in some areas? And if so, can we try to figure out or
get down to the nitty gritty ofwhat is causing these things? Maybe you
know you may need some rest,maybe you need to drink some more water.
What is it? Or maybe somethingis just stressing you out, and
(03:27):
that's okay, but we don't wantthese things to continue to linger. We
want to try to address them upfront. Okay, So thanks for y'all doing
the mental health check. Okay,So where have we been? Friend,
friend, where have you been?Yeah? So I didn't, unforseately put
out episode last week. I've beenable in my a even on social media.
I've been trying to put out thingshere and there because we are in
(03:52):
April, which is also Sexual AssaultAwareness Month. And if you know my
story, you've been here long enough. If you're new, you've seen my
posts a survivor of sexuals soolt awarenessand we're going to touch on that in
this episode as well. So takethat as a little trigger moment. Trigger
warning. Okay, But what happenedwas in a couple episodes back, I
(04:14):
let you guys know that some amazingthings were coming down the pipeline for me,
but I couldn't speak on it atthat time, and now I can
finally speak on it. So Iended up getting the amazing job offer.
So within the last two and ahalf weeks, I have fully transitioned out
of my last company and that Iwas with for almost ten years to the
job that I am with now thatI have been literally praying about and it
(04:38):
just came together so organically, andI'm so grateful for the opportunity and it's
been amazing. But these last twoweeks, this job has been kicking my
tail because I'm still in training,which is fine, but it's just a
lot. It is so much,and I don't think I expected it to
be what it is, and soit has been very overwhelming and a lot
of testing and different things of thatnature. I tried to just be in
(05:01):
the spirit of calmness and try toground myself every once in a while.
But I'm definitely grateful for the peoplethat have been reaching out to me to
make sure I'm okay, to helpcalm me down, to give me some
words of affirmation, like I wholeheartedly, and so I appreciative for all that,
you know, all the little cyboconversations and shout out to everyone that
(05:21):
knew about the job and that keptmy business on the nowt Okay, I
appreciate that too. When I spokeon it, subliminally, I hadn't necessarily
did everything I need to do onmy end, but like I said,
out a transition now, so yes, thankful for that, all right.
So yeah, I'm trying to getthings back on track. So that's why
(05:43):
you guys are hearing from me todayand not my regular Wednesday. However,
during the course of these couple ofweeks, I'm promised I'm gonna get my
I'm gonna get my life together,I promise, y'all. I can't tell
y'all to do it, and Idon't do it, so we're gonna break
this thing out, you know.But other than that, some other things
that had happened in regards to thepodcast is if you are following on social
(06:03):
media, then you saw the postsbecause I have been trying to, you
know, post my little content hereand there when I get opportunity. But
Krong was of a very wel podcasthas has made the Apple charts for Self
Improvement in South Korea for the monthof April. Like yes, y'all,
like we hit them charts again.So last month we hit the Apple charts
(06:25):
in Honduras for education and self improvement. This month we hit the Apple charts
for self improvement in South Korea.So shout out to me, shout out
to all my guests that came shoutout to South Korea. If you're listening
to South Korea, thank you sovery much for tapping in with me.
I'm so grateful for your support andthe fact that you decide to listen to
(06:45):
me. Okay, I hope youcontinue to tap in and enjoy the podcast.
If you're following on social media,reach out like let's connect, Like
yes, I'm so grateful. Andagain, I'm beyond grateful for people to
just continue to show up and showout, whether support me on social media
or it's just listening to the podcast, or if you're just sharing it with
someone because the message may resonate withthem in a certain way. I appreciate
(07:09):
all the love. I truly do. Sometimes I may miss comments here and
there, but just you know,don't charge it to my heart, charge
it to my eyes, you know, but I do. I do appreciate
everything. And you know, withme not putting out an episode last week
and then missing my regular release datethis week, that kind of did create
(07:30):
so much more anxiety because I realized, you know, a lot of times,
like we always hold ourselves to thesehigh standards and things, and I've
had a lot of side conversations onthe back end with people that are podcasts
or people that's just in the professionalworld, and people just kept reminding me
like, hey, you have togive yourself grace and things and my thoughts
sometimes get conflicting with certain things justbecause you're like, well, you know,
(07:55):
I don't want it to seem likethis, and it's not that.
But overall, when you are tryingto manage a lot of different things and
your life is changing, you know, whether it's for the better or worse,
you do have to give yourself grace. You have to be patient where
you are and as long as youknow what's going on, that's truly all
that matters. But I couldn't leaveyou guys hanging for too long. Okay,
(08:16):
So yes, let's get into thislovely topic. Okay, So,
like I said, trigger warning,because we are in the month of April.
If you have been following me,you know a big part of my
story and who I am is aroundsexual thought awareness because I am a sexual
(08:37):
saut survivor. And if you hadbeen joining me since about last year,
around this time, I had alot of conversations did a Q and A
with my friends in regards to themessages and things that I had been receiving
from people, and the messages andemail about my experience, and I openly
answered all of those things. AndI've had guests and I had my mom
(08:58):
on last year as well, becausemy journey entails some things that were going
on in my household. And ifyou haven't heard or watch those episodes,
they are on the podcast, theyare on YouTube. All those links will
be listening to the description if youjust want to know a little more.
I've also told my story openly onmy platform during my first season, and
(09:20):
I've been on a lot of othershows and I spoke on different things in
regards to how all that stuff happened, what happened, the legal part of
it, where that person is noweverything. I'm always open and candid about
it because a it has been apart of my journey, and by me
having the resilience to speak on it, it's always my hopes that someone else
(09:43):
that may be silently crying to nightbecause of things that happen to them will
see or hear my story and theywill build up the courage to maybe speak
about theirs. You know. Sotoday I wanted to come before you all
to talk more about my healing andhow it's been in some realizations that I
have realized doing the healing of mysexual trauma. Because even though I,
(10:07):
you know, come be for youall every week and even on social media,
I talk about mental health and things, y'all know that I did not
really dive into the therapy portion ofmy sexual trauma until about twenty twenty one.
Yeah, I think it's like twentytwenty one, twenty two. It's
a little blood right now. Butwith the current therapist that I have now
(10:30):
and we have been doing a lotof work around that sexual trauma and healing,
and it was a very rough,a rough process because I realized a
lot of characteristics and things about myselfcame from my trauma. And I felt
like each time I was to eachtime I peeled back a layer of what
(10:52):
I was feeling, and it resultedback to the trauma. I was like,
oh my God, Like am Iusing this as an excuse now?
But that was the only thing thatfit the narrative or why these things were
carrying out in my life or whyI felt these things about myself, you
know, like I never equated thatmy confidence and my self esteem and my
(11:13):
mentality was the result of my unhealedtrauma, because that's what it was.
Even with me being in therapy.Prior to my therapist now, I would
avoid the conversations of talking about mysexual abuse. I would talk about them
in personal spaces with my friends orin conversations. I would it was nothing
(11:35):
for me to bring it up andI'm like, oh, yeah, I
was sexually assaulted or this happened.But to openly dig deep and talk about
the details and how it was trulyfeeling. I had never did that until
a couple of years ago. Andeven now as I'm sitting in front of
this camera, in this microphone,I'm saying these things and like my mind
(11:56):
is like blown because here I amnow doing something that I would never thought
in a million years I would beable to do. And that's used my
voice to talk about these things,you know. So for one, I
will say, this journey hasn't beeneasy, hasn't been easy at all.
And if you're watching on YouTube andyou see me look to the side,
it's because I have some things writtendown so I make sure I'm standing on
(12:18):
point and get everything out clearly.You know, this journey has not been
easy and I kind of thought thatwhen I went into therapy and my therapist
was able to safely get me toengage in the conversation, that it would
just be me saying like, hey, these things happen, this is who
did it, and they were movingforward. But it wasn't that, Like
(12:39):
it was kind of like doing adifferent part of shadow work and peeling back
all these different layers of my life. You know that I have never disclosed
to people, like my therapist knowsprobably more than anybody knows in regards to
that, and that's perfectly fine,you know. And there are still parts
of my experience and other things thathappened to me in my life that I
(13:03):
probably would never openly speak about,you know, at least not right now,
you know. And I'm okay withthat because I thought that, like,
oh, I got to tell allthis stuff now, and that's not
You do things when you're ready orwhen you're called to do them. So
getting to the point of opening upto her, it was a lot of
tears, It was a lot oftriggers, It was a lot of emotions
(13:26):
and things. It was a lotof questions, there's a lot of resentment,
it was a lot of hatred.It was any negative feeling that you
can think of. It was that, okay, it was against myself,
it was against family, it wasagainst just everybody. And I didn't know
how to manage that. And thankfullymy therapist and I have a phenomenal group
of friends helped me manage that.Right. One thing I learned hit on
(13:50):
before anything else but addressing these things, was I learned how to forgive myself,
truly forgive myself, and then forgivemy abuser. And if you on
social media and you're following me,you've seen that. Last week, I
put out a video about getting tothe point of forgiving him, and not
forgiving him for him, but forgivenhim for me so I could move on,
(14:15):
so I could free myself of him, so I could come out of
his shadows. Because the more thatI held on to all of that hatred
and like all of that stuff,it was locking me into this man.
You know, all these years later, the more that I didn't say anything
and the more that I just actlike stuff didn't happen, I was still
(14:37):
under his shell. And I hadto learn how to forgive him. And
I'm like, how do I forgivesomebody that took away parts of me that
wasn't supposed to be exposed. Likehow do I forgive somebody that is sleeping
in their bed freely every night andliving their best life, And here it
is, I'm hiding and afraid tobe seen because of the things that you
(15:00):
humiliating me and made me do.Like how do I forgive somebody that literally
broke a law? You know,like you broke a law, you harmed
me, You took something from methat, if I'm being honest for so
many years, I try to getback. I try to get back my
innocence. I try to get backall of those parts of me, Like
(15:20):
how do I forgive that person?And through life, like my mom and
grandmam and other adults and things willalways talk about, you know, the
biblical part of it, and Itruly understood. I didn't understand it at
first, but then I learned tounderstand it right, and I thought about
myself. It's like I would neverdo some of the heinous things that people
(15:41):
have done to me. I wouldnever do some of the hainess things that
people are out here doing in thisworld. But if I do anything that
hurts another person, I would wantthem to forgive me, right, and
I would want them to get toa point where they can forgive me and
they can move on with their life, whether it's you know, they still
hold in some type of resentment,whatever the case may be. Like I
had to make that choice for me, and I learned that, like,
(16:03):
hey, this does not discredit yourexperience, This does not take the accountability
away from this person, but thisis going to help free you, and
this is going to help move youto the point of healing that you need.
I didn't want to keep feeling howI felt in my body because for
a long time I felt like I'mhere, but I'm not here. I
just didn't know what the correlation ofwhy I always felt misplaced. And through
(16:29):
therapy and journaling and you know,meditation and other things, I truly learned
that even when talking about forgiving myself, I'm like, Okay, well now
you're telling you I gotta forgive myself. But then y'all told me all these
years that this stuff that happened tome was not my fault, and it
wasn't that I was forgiving myself forthe stuff that happened to me, but
just forgiving myself for beating myself upso much, forgiving myself, for faulting
(16:55):
myself, you know, things likethat, And the more that I continue
to like process it, just likethat, I felt like a weight was
lifted off to me. I feltlike a shift was lifted off of me.
Do I still see this person aswho he is? Absolutely? But
I know this person can't hurt meanymore. I know that this person life
(17:18):
choices were not the best, butat the end of the day, they
got to deal with their higher power. But I need to live my life,
and I deserve to live my life, like you know, like I've
survived so many things and I'm probablygonna survive tons more things. And one
thing that I didn't want to dois continue to carry all of this trauma
and the weight the bags get heavy, you know, girl only thirty four,
(17:44):
Like I've been carrying this stuff forso long, and it was just
so freeing to just let it go, Like y'all have no idea. And
I know some of the people maybelisten to me and like, sys you
sound crazy. I can never dothat, And I wholehrdly understand it,
I wholeheartedly, And this ain't somethingthat happened overnight. I promise you that.
And in the forgiveness, what Iactually had to verbally do is acknowledge
(18:10):
my trauma and pain opposed to ignoringit and acting like it didn't bother me.
I was so guarded. I wasso guarded, you know, and
I always felt like I had tohave my guard up, and I always
had to be like, I gottaget you before you can get me type
thing, because somebody got me whenI wasn't, you know, and acknowledging
(18:30):
that that situation, my abuse hurtme, you know, and understanding that
me acknowledging my pain and how thosethings that happened made me feel didn't make
me weak. It didn't make meless of a woman, but it humanized
me more because we all go throughdifferent feelings. Because we're human, we
(18:51):
experience feelings and emotions. You know. I even had to acknowledge that,
Hey, our bodies react a certainway, but sometimes in certain situations,
that does not necessarily mean that youactually wanted it, you know, because
I think from what I hear andmy own personal experiences, a lot of
survirors you deal with that, well, my body did this, so I
(19:14):
must have really wanted it. No, baby, you didn't want it,
you know, you did not consentto that. Your bodies we just have
very natural We have natural bodies.This is what our bodies are supposed to
do, you know. And Ireally had to that part right there.
I had to like really grill it, because yeah, it was it was
a lot processing that. But onceI got to the point where I'm like,
you know what, yes, thistrauma, this pain, all of
(19:37):
these things really hurt me. Butthey don't have to dictate my life anymore
because they were for a very longtime. Like every thing that I was
or who I thought I was atthat time before getting in therapy and really
healing those wounds, I was notlike I wasn't that person like I would.
It was just it was rough.It was rough, and I think
(20:00):
back, I think now where I'mat when I think, I'm like,
hmm, if I never had foundthe therapist that I have now and started
working on these things, like,where would I be in life. I'm
not saying that my life was somuch off track, but I'm definitely not
the same person that I was mentally, physically, spiritually, like, I'm
nowhere near that. I probably wouldn'teven have this platform, I probably would
(20:22):
never have spoken my story publicly.None of this would exist. I'm gonna
just keep it a buck like noneof this would exist, you know.
So having to acknowledge that part ofme and didn't really understanding that these things
did happen to me and they wasn'tright. But they don't dictate my path.
That took a lot of work.But what I will tell you is
(20:45):
it doesn't dictate my path now.Will our experiences always be a part of
us because things happened to us thatwe just didn't like. Some things happened
to us that may have traumatized us, they were really bad, left scars
and wounds, all of those things. Yes, But just because those things
happen, they don't make you abetter person. They don't make you know
(21:07):
less than a person. You know, you can recreate how your life and
how your life is going to look, and how your life is going to
go. And I'm in the processof that. It doesn't always Things don't
always go as planned right. Everyday is not always a good day.
Do I still get triggered, Absolutely? Do I still have flashbacks? Absolutely?
(21:30):
But because I'm in a more ofa hell space, I know how
to manage those things right. Somethingelse that I learned on this journey is
through my pain, no matter howmuch it hurts. I always affirmed that
I will come out on the otherside. And I say that because I
(21:51):
have dealt with my share of mentalhealth issues. My depression, my anxiety,
especially my suicide. Ideation and livingwasn't always at the top of my
list, you know. So whenI would think about my trauma and my
sexual abuse, I had to getinto space where I'm like, you know,
(22:15):
these things will not defeat me,Like I'm more than a conqueror,
Like I'm going to come out ontop of this, Like I don't know
how my story is going to end, but I'm going to live through these
I'm going to live through this pain. And I can't allow I can't continue
to allow my pain to hinder mebecause thinking back, I have let my
pain and my trauma and things hinderme in so many ways as probably I've
(22:38):
probably traumatized other people, like I'msorry, Like honestly, I could think
of certain situations like I probably wasa bitch. Take that back, I
was a bitch in my past life. I think we all I could probably
say, like We've had some flaws, right, nonetheless, with growth and
definitely healing, I'm definitely not thatperson any more. But I wasn't going
(23:00):
to continue to allow that situation,those situations to continue coming out reaking just
negativity because I knew always on theinside that that wasn't who I was.
But I just couldn't figure out whatI needed to change and what was going
on with me, you know.So like I said, it hasn't been
(23:22):
an easy journey. And everyone's journeyand path of healing, whether it's from
sexual assault, domestic violence, mentalhealth, whatever the case may be,
everyone's journey and path always looks different. Someone can be listening and be like,
you know, I've had situations ofsexual harassment and things as well,
and I will never get over it. And I'll say to you, okay,
(23:44):
and I'll be your voice. Iwill be your voice if you feel
like you will never get over itand you can never speak on it,
because that was definitely me at onepoint, Like I hated my abuser,
hated him, and I said,I will never forgive that man for what
he did to me. I willnever forgive him for how he made me
look and turning people against me andpeople dragging my name and like all of
(24:06):
those things. But here I amnow you know, and I wholeheardly believe
that all of us can come outon the other side in a positive way
of our situation experiences, even thoughwe all have different experiences and different paths
of healing. And as long asI can continue to use my platform and
most definitely my voice, keep thisthroat chakra loose, okay, to promote
(24:30):
positivity, to promote healing, orto be a voice for the voiceless,
I'm going to do that. Ifthat is the role that my higher power
has given me, I'm going tofulfill it, and I'm gonna stand ten
toes down and all right, SoI have three lessons that I listed that
I learned so far through this journey, right, And I know I did
(24:53):
an episode like early last year aboutthings that I learned through my healing journey,
but these lessons are specific to mysexual trauma. So number one was
healing can't be rushed. I wantedto get through this phase of my life
with the quickness because I felt likeevery time I talked about it, I
(25:17):
was going I was going backwards.But I realized I wasn't really properly.
I wasn't properly managing my own wellband in all this. So there were
things that I had to do onmy end after I had these discussions that
was not going to keep me cyclingbackwards, but taking a step forward in
a better direction. And within that, it was take the timeline off of
(25:38):
things. You know, I thinkin life, because we have daylines to
me and sometimes life and time justgo so fast. I thought that like
I would wake up tomorrow and Iwould be better, I wouldn't have any
flashbacks and nightmares, all these thingswould just go. And that wasn't the
case. But over time and continuingto do the work and process things appropriately,
(26:02):
a lot of those things are notthere anymore. And this is for
me and this is my journey.You know, I hope that it could
be for someone else, But Ido understand if you're listening and you don't
agree with my standpoint, and that'sokay for me. The main point was
realizing that healing just cannot be rushed, and healing should be on your own
timeline and not anyone else's. Soif someone out there is telling you you
(26:26):
need to hurry up and get overit, or why are you still talking
about it all these years later?Or if you like you ain't do nothing,
then freak them people, Okay,forget them. Freak them people.
Try not to cuss here. Forgetthem people, and you just follow your
heart and you do what you haveto do for you, you know,
because with me sometimes I would justtalk about stuff and instantly get triggered.
(26:48):
I wasn't ready and that wasn't theenvironment I should have been talking about those
things. And you know, soremember healing takes time. My second lesson
is I don't have to prove anythingto anyone. I think that society shows
us a lot of times, especiallywith social media and these different blogs and
(27:08):
stuff, a lot of times whenpeople are sharing their truths and coming out
and telling their story about you know, their sexual trauma, domestic violence,
all of these different things, they'renot believed. People are not they don't
believe it. Oh we didn't seeit. We need to see evidence and
all these different things. And evenwith me, when my situation came out,
people that I thought was my friendwas just not believe in me because
(27:33):
they didn't physically see it happen.And this person said this and that I
wasn't believed, and I tried everythingfor a very long time to justify everything
that I said. Right, evenif you know you can easily go along
and look up certain information and certainthings you can actually find certain things you
can't. Right. But I triedto prove myself to so many people around
(27:56):
us, you know, and nowat the point where I'm like, I
prove myself to anybody, like Godknows what happened, Like that person knows
what happened, the court know whathappened. That's all that matters, you
know. And I think that besidesthe fact that people just need to have
and show a little bit more classand empathy when survivors are telling their stories
and things and put yourself in theother person's position, that as a survivor,
(28:22):
you may want everyone to be onyour side, and you want everyone
to support you and understand and believeyour story. But the unfortunate reality is
that's just not how things are gonnago. In some cases, you may
have that support, that tribe ofpeople that believe you and that support you,
and that create those safe environments.But on the flip side, we
do live in an ugly world.In some moments, you know, And
(28:45):
I would love to see people,you know, support survivors more and support
the causes of sexual assault organizations anddifferent boards and agencies like that. But
I think there just needs to bea sh overall and that's a whole nother
conversation about legislation and different things.But as a survivor, you don't have
(29:07):
to prove yourself to anyone unless yoursituation is going to the court and you're
work on the legal team like Idid. That's different, you know,
But everybody else than they says forgetthem, people, forget them. People
like you don't have to prove yourselfto someone someone else. You know,
you know your truth and you standin that. And the last lesson I
(29:30):
learned was triggers are a natural partof the journey and they don't erase any
work that I did on myself,okay, And I had to learn how
to give myself genuine love and grace. And what I mean by that is
sometimes I'll be having conversations with peopleor just in a moment of thinking about
(29:51):
things, and my body will havea certain type of reaction. I may
get like, you know, sweatypalms. I may start sweating my chest,
they start hurting, pulseatan and I'measily triggered by something that's going on
around me, and none times outof ten it's because of the conversation topic
or things that people are saying aredoing. But I had to realize that
(30:12):
these are natural things. Now fastforward related to all this you know,
therapy and things that I've had,I know to handle those things. They
don't happen too often, right butif I'm in spaces where someone is making
me feel uncomfortable by their actions ontheir words, like thankfully, I know
how to speak up for myself now. Right back then I didn't, and
(30:34):
unfortunately things may have happened or havebeen said that didn't need to happen or
be said. You know, itjust takes so much time and patience and
giving yourself that grace and love isjust so important. It's so important.
And I do understand about going throughexperience like I did, or someone else
(30:55):
that's been through some type of youknow, sexual trauma and just wanted to
isolate yourself from the world world becauseyou don't know how other people want to
make you feel, and you're alwaysafraid. Because that was me for a
very long time. I find myselfstill isolating in moments. But what I
realized is the more love I gavemyself and the more grace I gave myself,
(31:15):
I took one notion that I deserveto live freely and that everyone is
not always out here to hurt me. Everyone won't hurt me, you know.
And it took a long time.Like I know, I keep saying
that, but I have to,like I have to drill that into somebody's
head today, that healing takes time. It doesn't matter if you have healed
(31:36):
from something that I have or somethingelse anything. It takes time. Give
yourself grace, give yourself love,and meet yourself where you are, not
what everyone thinks you should be,but where you are. It's something else
that I learned throughout this whole thing, and this was very important for me
as well, was you may wantsupport and love from certain people, friends,
(32:06):
family, your partner, whomever,but sometimes the reality is you're not
going to get that from them.And I wanted so much support from certain
people, more so family members.I wanted to have more these conversations.
I had so many questions and things, and I just felt like because a
(32:27):
lot of people were hurt, anda lot of people were faulting themselves or
a lot of people hadn't done theirown healing. And that's okay that these
type of conversations couldn't be had orthey really couldn't support me how I needed
to and how I yearned to besupported. And thankfully God blessed me with
the amazing group of friends that Ihave, because without them during that point
(32:50):
starting point on my journey, Iwouldn't have been able to make it this
far. Without my therapist, Iwouldn't have been able to make it this
far. And it's so important tohave people around you that honor your boundaries,
that honor your safety, that understandyou, and if they don't right,
because sometimes these topics can be reallycomplex, they make it their mission
(33:14):
to understand you. And I knowthat my friends, you know, and
other people that have come in contactwith me have done that, and again
I'm so very thankful for that,because a lot of people don't have that,
you know. So there were somany things I've learned throughout this journey.
There were so many realizations and things, but I think the overarch and
(33:36):
main focus for me was to justcome out on the other side. Like
I said, it was always tobe in a better space, to not
feel like I'm carrying the weight,because yes, did someone tell me that
what happened to me was my fault? Absolutely? Did someone tell me that
I deserve to be assaulted and allof those things for all those years,
Absolutely, that people begin to fallbelong, fall away from me. Absolutely?
(34:02):
Did I always feel like people waslooking at me and when they looked
at me, they was thinking themost disgusting things about me. Absolutely.
I didn't want to feel like thatanymore. I didn't want to feel like
I was walking around with a signon my back that says everyone hates me.
I didn't want to feel like Ihad to do the most to fit
into these spaces or for people tolike me. You know. I didn't
(34:24):
want to feel like or do thingsthat took me and my personality out of
context. You know. I wantedto just be accepted for who I was.
But it really came down to meaddressing the parts of me that I
have had ignored for so very long, and for me, unfortunately it was
my sexual trauma. Now Again,like I said, someone may be listening
(34:49):
that has experienced, you know,sexual trauma or just some type of abuse
or trauma, and your story isnot my story. But what I will
tell you is, because I've beenasked this a few times, is it's
healing really possible? I personally thinkhealing is possible. Healing is possible for
a lot of things. But whatI will always say is we are always
(35:10):
going to be healing from different cyclesof life throughout our life. And that
can look like many different things frommany different people. But comparison is the
deef of joy. Never compare yourjourney or what you have to what someone
else's, what someone else's have,or how someone else is that have been
through the same things that you haveto where you are on your path.
(35:32):
But what I will say is youcan get further. You will get further.
Just continue to do the work.Continue to do the work, and
continue to find those safe communities andenvironments of people that support you, that
understand you, and that feed youthe affirmations and the positivity that you need
(35:52):
to grow. Because again, I'mso grateful for mine and I know,
oh, I didn't get into muchof my story. Again, if you
want to hear it, I willput the information in a description and you
can definitely go listening. But myabuse started when I was in elementary school
and it went to I was inmiddle school, Okay, So yes,
(36:15):
a lot of my decisions in lifewere very clouded by things that I was
taught, things that I was told, things that were done to me,
okay, And there's just so manydifferent layers of my situation. But one
thing for certain is I am justso grateful for the person that I said
(36:36):
rescue me, and that was oneof my eighth grade teachers, because she
realized that something ain't right and wegotta get down to the bottoms. And
yeah, she was able to.She was right, she was absolutely right.
So my hope with this episode isthat someone is listening and you see
you hear my story and you realizethat it's not an easy journey. Healing
(37:02):
is never easy. There's so manylayers. It's ugly, it's not going
to always be beautiful, right,But you also know that your past traumas
and things do not determine your path, because I promise you, if I
didn't have the therapist that I havenow, if I didn't have the drive
(37:22):
in me to be better and comeout of what I was and who I
thought I was. I didn't havethe support of friends and family that I
have Now this Shakita Johnson send mefor you and that you hear on this
microphone would not be here today.I promised you that I will bet any
amount of money on that, andI'm grateful and I'm going to continue to
(37:45):
use my voice to help people.I want to continue to thrive in life.
And I'm not going to allow anytrauma, any trigger, any heartbreak,
anything break me down. I can't. I've come too far and I'm
not saying that things won't happen againin life. Yes, life be life.
And I just told y'all than yourgirl been going through it with working
(38:07):
stuff. However, now that I'vegotten the help that I needed and peel
back the layers of the onion,I'm rediscovering myself, continue to rediscover myself,
find things that I enjoy, findnew parts to me, and explore
different things. And that's what lifeis supposed to be about. And I
be God damn if somebody that wasthat fucked up in their head did that
(38:29):
stuff to me to continue to determinethe joy that I deserve in my life,
because absolutely not, absolutely not.I just I just I listen to
myself talk right now. I justcannot believe that I am no woman,
and I do not want to getemotional because that was not I cannot believe
(38:49):
that I am no woman that Iam today because y'all just have no idea.
Y'all have no idea. So yes, i am forever grateful for the
healing, and I'm forever grateful formy support. I'm just grateful, and
I truly hope that for anybody that'slistening, whether you're struggling with a trauma
or whatever, it's just a hardpatch in your life, keep going.
(39:13):
If you need help, please saysomething, Please say something. I know
a lot of people are having silentbattles and just struggling with mental health and
a whole bunch of other things.Just keep going, keep affirming that you
come out on the other side ofthat thing. If you feel like something
is off within you, you know, seek support. I will list a
(39:34):
whole bunch of mental health resources andsexual soolve resources also in a description.
Reach out to me. But justdo not hold that stuff in. And
if you are someone that is holdingonto some burdens that is not choice to
carry. Baby, We got torelease that stuff. Okay, we're going
to start releasing because we do notdeserve to carry on things. We do
(39:57):
not deserve to be hidden away.We deserve to keep elevated and be filled
with joy and live a limitless life. Okay, I would not know what
life is today if I hadn't saidsomething back then. So can't nobody come
before me ever in my life andshame me for speaking up as people like
(40:21):
to say, snitch it whatever.Can't nobody ever come in my life and
make me feel bad for the thingsthat happen to me. I've already felt
that physically, mentally, everything,but I've grown from it and I will
continue to nurse those wounds and putmyself first, and I want that for
everybody. So sorry, you girl, get a little caught up ryan this
(40:45):
topic, but I'm going to continueto raise awareness. I'm going to continue
to stand on this and speak aboutthese things, and I'll let you guys
listen and continue to support me andmy mission and everything that Chronicles of a
Virgo stands on. I truly goto this episode resonated with someone. If
it didn't, please share with someonethat you may know that it may resonate
(41:05):
with. If you have further questionsabout the topic, please do not hesitate
to reach out to me. Hitme up on social media Chronicles of a
Virgo podcast on all of my platforms, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook.
I think that's all. I lovethem, Or you want to do
it another way, you can alsoemail me at Chronicles of a Virgo twenty
two at gmail dot com. Anymore questions about this topic, something that
(41:30):
you want me to specifically speak onor post some information about, please send
it my way. I'll get itout there. I've been answering questions.
I don't mind answering them for youguys. Like I said, your girl
won't get back on track with myregular release days, but I could not
let another day go out that Ididn't say something. So yes, I
(41:52):
hope you guys enjoyed this episode.And oh yeah, don't forget to follow
me on YouTube as well. Hopeyou guys enjoyed this episode. I hope
that something resonated with someone. Hopeyou take something from it. But again,
yes, we got to release thesethings, y'all. We got to
heal. We can heal, Okay, we can come out on top of
(42:13):
anything all right, and young Gutado it alone. You do not have
to do it alone. Okay.So again y'all, thanks for joining you
back for this episode. Please pleaseplease take care of yourselves good people,
but most importantly, take care ofeach other. Peace out. Thank you
for listening to an episode of Chroniclesof a Virgo podcast with me your favor
(42:37):
favorite favorite Virgo host, Shikita Johnson. Your support means the world to me
as I want to continue to seeyou all prosper and grow. Please join
me back next Wednesday, where wewill continue to dive into more can it
and empower our conversations that we'll getyou a step closer to step it into
a new filled individual. Remember you'renot alone on your journey. Please don't
(43:00):
forget to subscribe to us on socialmedia at Chronicles of a Verbal podcast on
all social media platforms and the YouTubechannel. Check out our website and blog
at Chroniclesovivirgo dot website dot com.All links will be listed in the description
box below. Until next time,beautiful souls, keep rising from those ashes
(43:21):
and stay true to here and knowyour girl loves you. Peace out,
This podcast is a production of UnfilteredStudios. If you would like to know
more about joining Unfiltered Studios, pleasevisit our website at unfpod dot com for
more information. Welcome to the Chroniclesof a Verbal podcast, the podcast dedicated
to the transformative journey of healing,mental health and personal growth. I'm your
(00:21):
favorite favorite verbal host Shakita Johnson,and together we'll continue to turn our vulnerability
into strength. As a sexual assaultsurvivor and mental health advocate, I have
a learn to sort through the ashesof my trauma and turn my pain into
power. And this podcast is representationthat healing is possible. And each episode
we'll dive deep deep into conversations aboutovercoming challenges, find an inn strength,
(00:47):
and emerging from life trials like afeelings from the Ashes. We may even
have some friends drive by from timeto time. Get ready to be inspired
and empowered as we embark on arewarding journey of self discovery. So sit
back and relax and let's get intosome healing. What is up, y'all,
and welcome back to another episode ofChronicles of a Virgo podcast, And
(01:10):
as Jujuel, I'm your favorite favoritefavorite Virgo host t Keita Johnson, and
yes, I come before you allon this wonderful Saturday. It's not our
normal Wednesday release date, but weare here on a Saturday, okay,
So thank you guys for joining meback for another episode. And I hope
you guys are doing well. Hopethat your April is off to a fabulous
(01:33):
start. Hope that your mental healthis good. Hope that your body and
your wellness, all those lovely thingsand aspects of your life. Oh all
of you guys are doing well.And just know that your girl is sending
you lots of love and some goodpositive vibes. So please embrace all of
this love and good old vibes I'msending you off. So, yes,
we are putting this out on aSaturday, outside of our normal Wednesday.
(01:56):
But don't worry, we're gonna getback on track. I'm gonna let y'all
my business a little bit. Lety'all know what's been going on. Before
we get into all of that,we got to start off with our lovely
mental health check. So today,on the scale of one to five,
your girl's mental health is coming intoday at a strong four four and a
half. I'm like in between.Right. Mentally, I'm amazing. I
(02:20):
am doing amazing today. Mentally,Physically, I'm tired. I finally got
out of that whole run of likewhen I'm tired, i'm depressed type thing.
So I love that for me.Mentally, I'm in a really good
space. Physically, I probably needsome more rest, some relaxation, some
more self care. However, Iknow exactly where the fatigue and all this
(02:44):
stuff has been coming from these lastcouple of weeks, and I'm gonna tell
y'all, but I have been takingthe right measures to make sure that my
body is moving. I've been doingmore meditations, more stretches, trying to
work out more, all of thoselovely things. Okay, So again,
we do these mental health checks asa way to check in with ourselves,
(03:05):
have the inner dialogue to see ifyou're feeling low, like, how are
you truly feeling today? Is yourmind wandering? Is your body feel intense
in some areas? And if so, can we try to figure out or
get down to the nitty gritty ofwhat is causing these things? Maybe you
know you may need some rest,maybe you need to drink some more water.
What is it? Or maybe somethingis just stressing you out, and
(03:27):
that's okay, but we don't wantthese things to continue to linger. We
want to try to address them upfront. Okay, So thanks for y'all doing
the mental health check. Okay,So where have we been? Friend,
friend, where have you been?Yeah? So I didn't, unforseately put
out episode last week. I've beenable in my a even on social media.
I've been trying to put out thingshere and there because we are in
(03:52):
April, which is also Sexual AssaultAwareness Month. And if you know my
story, you've been here long enough. If you're new, you've seen my
posts a survivor of sexuals soolt awarenessand we're going to touch on that in
this episode as well. So takethat as a little trigger moment. Trigger
warning. Okay, But what happenedwas in a couple episodes back, I
(04:14):
let you guys know that some amazingthings were coming down the pipeline for me,
but I couldn't speak on it atthat time, and now I can
finally speak on it. So Iended up getting the amazing job offer.
So within the last two and ahalf weeks, I have fully transitioned out
of my last company and that Iwas with for almost ten years to the
job that I am with now thatI have been literally praying about and it
(04:38):
just came together so organically, andI'm so grateful for the opportunity and it's
been amazing. But these last twoweeks, this job has been kicking my
tail because I'm still in training,which is fine, but it's just a
lot. It is so much,and I don't think I expected it to
be what it is, and soit has been very overwhelming and a lot
of testing and different things of thatnature. I tried to just be in
(05:01):
the spirit of calmness and try toground myself every once in a while.
But I'm definitely grateful for the peoplethat have been reaching out to me to
make sure I'm okay, to helpcalm me down, to give me some
words of affirmation, like I wholeheartedly, and so I appreciative for all that,
you know, all the little cyboconversations and shout out to everyone that
(05:21):
knew about the job and that keptmy business on the nowt Okay, I
appreciate that too. When I spokeon it, subliminally, I hadn't necessarily
did everything I need to do onmy end, but like I said,
out a transition now, so yes, thankful for that, all right.
So yeah, I'm trying to getthings back on track. So that's why
(05:43):
you guys are hearing from me todayand not my regular Wednesday. However,
during the course of these couple ofweeks, I'm promised I'm gonna get my
I'm gonna get my life together,I promise, y'all. I can't tell
y'all to do it, and Idon't do it, so we're gonna break
this thing out, you know.But other than that, some other things
that had happened in regards to thepodcast is if you are following on social
(06:03):
media, then you saw the postsbecause I have been trying to, you
know, post my little content hereand there when I get opportunity. But
Krong was of a very wel podcasthas has made the Apple charts for Self
Improvement in South Korea for the monthof April. Like yes, y'all,
like we hit them charts again.So last month we hit the Apple charts
(06:25):
in Honduras for education and self improvement. This month we hit the Apple charts
for self improvement in South Korea.So shout out to me, shout out
to all my guests that came shoutout to South Korea. If you're listening
to South Korea, thank you sovery much for tapping in with me.
I'm so grateful for your support andthe fact that you decide to listen to
(06:45):
me. Okay, I hope youcontinue to tap in and enjoy the podcast.
If you're following on social media,reach out like let's connect, Like
yes, I'm so grateful. Andagain, I'm beyond grateful for people to
just continue to show up and showout, whether support me on social media
or it's just listening to the podcast, or if you're just sharing it with
someone because the message may resonate withthem in a certain way. I appreciate
(07:09):
all the love. I truly do. Sometimes I may miss comments here and
there, but just you know,don't charge it to my heart, charge
it to my eyes, you know, but I do. I do appreciate
everything. And you know, withme not putting out an episode last week
and then missing my regular release datethis week, that kind of did create
(07:30):
so much more anxiety because I realized, you know, a lot of times,
like we always hold ourselves to thesehigh standards and things, and I've
had a lot of side conversations onthe back end with people that are podcasts
or people that's just in the professionalworld, and people just kept reminding me
like, hey, you have togive yourself grace and things and my thoughts
sometimes get conflicting with certain things justbecause you're like, well, you know,
(07:55):
I don't want it to seem likethis, and it's not that.
But overall, when you are tryingto manage a lot of different things and
your life is changing, you know, whether it's for the better or worse,
you do have to give yourself grace. You have to be patient where
you are and as long as youknow what's going on, that's truly all
that matters. But I couldn't leaveyou guys hanging for too long. Okay,
(08:16):
So yes, let's get into thislovely topic. Okay, So,
like I said, trigger warning,because we are in the month of April.
If you have been following me,you know a big part of my
story and who I am is aroundsexual thought awareness because I am a sexual
(08:37):
saut survivor. And if you hadbeen joining me since about last year,
around this time, I had alot of conversations did a Q and A
with my friends in regards to themessages and things that I had been receiving
from people, and the messages andemail about my experience, and I openly
answered all of those things. AndI've had guests and I had my mom
(08:58):
on last year as well, becausemy journey entails some things that were going
on in my household. And ifyou haven't heard or watch those episodes,
they are on the podcast, theyare on YouTube. All those links will
be listening to the description if youjust want to know a little more.
I've also told my story openly onmy platform during my first season, and
(09:20):
I've been on a lot of othershows and I spoke on different things in
regards to how all that stuff happened, what happened, the legal part of
it, where that person is noweverything. I'm always open and candid about
it because a it has been apart of my journey, and by me
having the resilience to speak on it, it's always my hopes that someone else
(09:43):
that may be silently crying to nightbecause of things that happen to them will
see or hear my story and theywill build up the courage to maybe speak
about theirs. You know. Sotoday I wanted to come before you all
to talk more about my healing andhow it's been in some realizations that I
have realized doing the healing of mysexual trauma. Because even though I,
(10:07):
you know, come be for youall every week and even on social media,
I talk about mental health and things, y'all know that I did not
really dive into the therapy portion ofmy sexual trauma until about twenty twenty one.
Yeah, I think it's like twentytwenty one, twenty two. It's
a little blood right now. Butwith the current therapist that I have now
(10:30):
and we have been doing a lotof work around that sexual trauma and healing,
and it was a very rough,a rough process because I realized a
lot of characteristics and things about myselfcame from my trauma. And I felt
like each time I was to eachtime I peeled back a layer of what
(10:52):
I was feeling, and it resultedback to the trauma. I was like,
oh my God, Like am Iusing this as an excuse now?
But that was the only thing thatfit the narrative or why these things were
carrying out in my life or whyI felt these things about myself, you
know, like I never equated thatmy confidence and my self esteem and my
(11:13):
mentality was the result of my unhealedtrauma, because that's what it was.
Even with me being in therapy.Prior to my therapist now, I would
avoid the conversations of talking about mysexual abuse. I would talk about them
in personal spaces with my friends orin conversations. I would it was nothing
(11:35):
for me to bring it up andI'm like, oh, yeah, I
was sexually assaulted or this happened.But to openly dig deep and talk about
the details and how it was trulyfeeling. I had never did that until
a couple of years ago. Andeven now as I'm sitting in front of
this camera, in this microphone,I'm saying these things and like my mind
(11:56):
is like blown because here I amnow doing something that I would never thought
in a million years I would beable to do. And that's used my
voice to talk about these things,you know. So for one, I
will say, this journey hasn't beeneasy, hasn't been easy at all.
And if you're watching on YouTube andyou see me look to the side,
it's because I have some things writtendown so I make sure I'm standing on
(12:18):
point and get everything out clearly.You know, this journey has not been
easy and I kind of thought thatwhen I went into therapy and my therapist
was able to safely get me toengage in the conversation, that it would
just be me saying like, hey, these things happen, this is who
did it, and they were movingforward. But it wasn't that, Like
(12:39):
it was kind of like doing adifferent part of shadow work and peeling back
all these different layers of my life. You know that I have never disclosed
to people, like my therapist knowsprobably more than anybody knows in regards to
that, and that's perfectly fine,you know. And there are still parts
of my experience and other things thathappened to me in my life that I
(13:03):
probably would never openly speak about,you know, at least not right now,
you know. And I'm okay withthat because I thought that, like,
oh, I got to tell allthis stuff now, and that's not
You do things when you're ready orwhen you're called to do them. So
getting to the point of opening upto her, it was a lot of
tears, It was a lot oftriggers, It was a lot of emotions
(13:26):
and things. It was a lotof questions, there's a lot of resentment,
it was a lot of hatred.It was any negative feeling that you
can think of. It was that, okay, it was against myself,
it was against family, it wasagainst just everybody. And I didn't know
how to manage that. And thankfullymy therapist and I have a phenomenal group
of friends helped me manage that.Right. One thing I learned hit on
(13:50):
before anything else but addressing these things, was I learned how to forgive myself,
truly forgive myself, and then forgivemy abuser. And if you on
social media and you're following me,you've seen that. Last week, I
put out a video about getting tothe point of forgiving him, and not
forgiving him for him, but forgivenhim for me so I could move on,
(14:15):
so I could free myself of him, so I could come out of
his shadows. Because the more thatI held on to all of that hatred
and like all of that stuff,it was locking me into this man.
You know, all these years later, the more that I didn't say anything
and the more that I just actlike stuff didn't happen, I was still
(14:37):
under his shell. And I hadto learn how to forgive him. And
I'm like, how do I forgivesomebody that took away parts of me that
wasn't supposed to be exposed. Likehow do I forgive somebody that is sleeping
in their bed freely every night andliving their best life, And here it
is, I'm hiding and afraid tobe seen because of the things that you
(15:00):
humiliating me and made me do.Like how do I forgive somebody that literally
broke a law? You know,like you broke a law, you harmed
me, You took something from methat, if I'm being honest for so
many years, I try to getback. I try to get back my
innocence. I try to get backall of those parts of me, Like
(15:20):
how do I forgive that person?And through life, like my mom and
grandmam and other adults and things willalways talk about, you know, the
biblical part of it, and Itruly understood. I didn't understand it at
first, but then I learned tounderstand it right, and I thought about
myself. It's like I would neverdo some of the heinous things that people
(15:41):
have done to me. I wouldnever do some of the hainess things that
people are out here doing in thisworld. But if I do anything that
hurts another person, I would wantthem to forgive me, right, and
I would want them to get toa point where they can forgive me and
they can move on with their life, whether it's you know, they still
hold in some type of resentment,whatever the case may be. Like I
had to make that choice for me, and I learned that, like,
(16:03):
hey, this does not discredit yourexperience, This does not take the accountability
away from this person, but thisis going to help free you, and
this is going to help move youto the point of healing that you need.
I didn't want to keep feeling howI felt in my body because for
a long time I felt like I'mhere, but I'm not here. I
just didn't know what the correlation ofwhy I always felt misplaced. And through
(16:29):
therapy and journaling and you know,meditation and other things, I truly learned
that even when talking about forgiving myself, I'm like, Okay, well now
you're telling you I gotta forgive myself. But then y'all told me all these
years that this stuff that happened tome was not my fault, and it
wasn't that I was forgiving myself forthe stuff that happened to me, but
just forgiving myself for beating myself upso much, forgiving myself, for faulting
(16:55):
myself, you know, things likethat, And the more that I continue
to like process it, just likethat, I felt like a weight was
lifted off to me. I feltlike a shift was lifted off of me.
Do I still see this person aswho he is? Absolutely? But
I know this person can't hurt meanymore. I know that this person life
(17:18):
choices were not the best, butat the end of the day, they
got to deal with their higher power. But I need to live my life,
and I deserve to live my life, like you know, like I've
survived so many things and I'm probablygonna survive tons more things. And one
thing that I didn't want to dois continue to carry all of this trauma
and the weight the bags get heavy, you know, girl only thirty four,
(17:44):
Like I've been carrying this stuff forso long, and it was just
so freeing to just let it go, Like y'all have no idea. And
I know some of the people maybelisten to me and like, sys you
sound crazy. I can never dothat, And I wholehrdly understand it,
I wholeheartedly, And this ain't somethingthat happened overnight. I promise you that.
And in the forgiveness, what Iactually had to verbally do is acknowledge
(18:10):
my trauma and pain opposed to ignoringit and acting like it didn't bother me.
I was so guarded. I wasso guarded, you know, and
I always felt like I had tohave my guard up, and I always
had to be like, I gottaget you before you can get me type
thing, because somebody got me whenI wasn't, you know, and acknowledging
(18:30):
that that situation, my abuse hurtme, you know, and understanding that
me acknowledging my pain and how thosethings that happened made me feel didn't make
me weak. It didn't make meless of a woman, but it humanized
me more because we all go throughdifferent feelings. Because we're human, we
(18:51):
experience feelings and emotions. You know. I even had to acknowledge that,
Hey, our bodies react a certainway, but sometimes in certain situations,
that does not necessarily mean that youactually wanted it, you know, because
I think from what I hear andmy own personal experiences, a lot of
survirors you deal with that, well, my body did this, so I
(19:14):
must have really wanted it. No, baby, you didn't want it,
you know, you did not consentto that. Your bodies we just have
very natural We have natural bodies.This is what our bodies are supposed to
do, you know. And Ireally had to that part right there.
I had to like really grill it, because yeah, it was it was
a lot processing that. But onceI got to the point where I'm like,
you know what, yes, thistrauma, this pain, all of
(19:37):
these things really hurt me. Butthey don't have to dictate my life anymore
because they were for a very longtime. Like every thing that I was
or who I thought I was atthat time before getting in therapy and really
healing those wounds, I was notlike I wasn't that person like I would.
It was just it was rough.It was rough, and I think
(20:00):
back, I think now where I'mat when I think, I'm like,
hmm, if I never had foundthe therapist that I have now and started
working on these things, like,where would I be in life. I'm
not saying that my life was somuch off track, but I'm definitely not
the same person that I was mentally, physically, spiritually, like, I'm
nowhere near that. I probably wouldn'teven have this platform, I probably would
(20:22):
never have spoken my story publicly.None of this would exist. I'm gonna
just keep it a buck like noneof this would exist, you know.
So having to acknowledge that part ofme and didn't really understanding that these things
did happen to me and they wasn'tright. But they don't dictate my path.
That took a lot of work.But what I will tell you is
(20:45):
it doesn't dictate my path now.Will our experiences always be a part of
us because things happened to us thatwe just didn't like. Some things happened
to us that may have traumatized us, they were really bad, left scars
and wounds, all of those things. Yes, But just because those things
happen, they don't make you abetter person. They don't make you know
(21:07):
less than a person. You know, you can recreate how your life and
how your life is going to look, and how your life is going to
go. And I'm in the processof that. It doesn't always Things don't
always go as planned right. Everyday is not always a good day.
Do I still get triggered, Absolutely? Do I still have flashbacks? Absolutely?
(21:30):
But because I'm in a more ofa hell space, I know how
to manage those things right. Somethingelse that I learned on this journey is
through my pain, no matter howmuch it hurts. I always affirmed that
I will come out on the otherside. And I say that because I
(21:51):
have dealt with my share of mentalhealth issues. My depression, my anxiety,
especially my suicide. Ideation and livingwasn't always at the top of my
list, you know. So whenI would think about my trauma and my
sexual abuse, I had to getinto space where I'm like, you know,
(22:15):
these things will not defeat me,Like I'm more than a conqueror,
Like I'm going to come out ontop of this, Like I don't know
how my story is going to end, but I'm going to live through these
I'm going to live through this pain. And I can't allow I can't continue
to allow my pain to hinder mebecause thinking back, I have let my
pain and my trauma and things hinderme in so many ways as probably I've
(22:38):
probably traumatized other people, like I'msorry, Like honestly, I could think
of certain situations like I probably wasa bitch. Take that back, I
was a bitch in my past life. I think we all I could probably
say, like We've had some flaws, right, nonetheless, with growth and
definitely healing, I'm definitely not thatperson any more. But I wasn't going
(23:00):
to continue to allow that situation,those situations to continue coming out reaking just
negativity because I knew always on theinside that that wasn't who I was.
But I just couldn't figure out whatI needed to change and what was going
on with me, you know.So like I said, it hasn't been
(23:22):
an easy journey. And everyone's journeyand path of healing, whether it's from
sexual assault, domestic violence, mentalhealth, whatever the case may be,
everyone's journey and path always looks different. Someone can be listening and be like,
you know, I've had situations ofsexual harassment and things as well,
and I will never get over it. And I'll say to you, okay,
(23:44):
and I'll be your voice. Iwill be your voice if you feel
like you will never get over itand you can never speak on it,
because that was definitely me at onepoint, Like I hated my abuser,
hated him, and I said,I will never forgive that man for what
he did to me. I willnever forgive him for how he made me
look and turning people against me andpeople dragging my name and like all of
(24:06):
those things. But here I amnow you know, and I wholeheardly believe
that all of us can come outon the other side in a positive way
of our situation experiences, even thoughwe all have different experiences and different paths
of healing. And as long asI can continue to use my platform and
most definitely my voice, keep thisthroat chakra loose, okay, to promote
(24:30):
positivity, to promote healing, orto be a voice for the voiceless,
I'm going to do that. Ifthat is the role that my higher power
has given me, I'm going tofulfill it, and I'm gonna stand ten
toes down and all right, SoI have three lessons that I listed that
I learned so far through this journey, right, And I know I did
(24:53):
an episode like early last year aboutthings that I learned through my healing journey,
but these lessons are specific to mysexual trauma. So number one was
healing can't be rushed. I wantedto get through this phase of my life
with the quickness because I felt likeevery time I talked about it, I
(25:17):
was going I was going backwards.But I realized I wasn't really properly.
I wasn't properly managing my own wellband in all this. So there were
things that I had to do onmy end after I had these discussions that
was not going to keep me cyclingbackwards, but taking a step forward in
a better direction. And within that, it was take the timeline off of
(25:38):
things. You know, I thinkin life, because we have daylines to
me and sometimes life and time justgo so fast. I thought that like
I would wake up tomorrow and Iwould be better, I wouldn't have any
flashbacks and nightmares, all these thingswould just go. And that wasn't the
case. But over time and continuingto do the work and process things appropriately,
(26:02):
a lot of those things are notthere anymore. And this is for
me and this is my journey.You know, I hope that it could
be for someone else, But Ido understand if you're listening and you don't
agree with my standpoint, and that'sokay for me. The main point was
realizing that healing just cannot be rushed, and healing should be on your own
timeline and not anyone else's. Soif someone out there is telling you you
(26:26):
need to hurry up and get overit, or why are you still talking
about it all these years later?Or if you like you ain't do nothing,
then freak them people, Okay,forget them. Freak them people.
Try not to cuss here. Forgetthem people, and you just follow your
heart and you do what you haveto do for you, you know,
because with me sometimes I would justtalk about stuff and instantly get triggered.
(26:48):
I wasn't ready and that wasn't theenvironment I should have been talking about those
things. And you know, soremember healing takes time. My second lesson
is I don't have to prove anythingto anyone. I think that society shows
us a lot of times, especiallywith social media and these different blogs and
(27:08):
stuff, a lot of times whenpeople are sharing their truths and coming out
and telling their story about you know, their sexual trauma, domestic violence,
all of these different things, they'renot believed. People are not they don't
believe it. Oh we didn't seeit. We need to see evidence and
all these different things. And evenwith me, when my situation came out,
people that I thought was my friendwas just not believe in me because
(27:33):
they didn't physically see it happen.And this person said this and that I
wasn't believed, and I tried everythingfor a very long time to justify everything
that I said. Right, evenif you know you can easily go along
and look up certain information and certainthings you can actually find certain things you
can't. Right. But I triedto prove myself to so many people around
(27:56):
us, you know, and nowat the point where I'm like, I
prove myself to anybody, like Godknows what happened, Like that person knows
what happened, the court know whathappened. That's all that matters, you
know. And I think that besidesthe fact that people just need to have
and show a little bit more classand empathy when survivors are telling their stories
and things and put yourself in theother person's position, that as a survivor,
(28:22):
you may want everyone to be onyour side, and you want everyone
to support you and understand and believeyour story. But the unfortunate reality is
that's just not how things are gonnago. In some cases, you may
have that support, that tribe ofpeople that believe you and that support you,
and that create those safe environments.But on the flip side, we
do live in an ugly world.In some moments, you know, And
(28:45):
I would love to see people,you know, support survivors more and support
the causes of sexual assault organizations anddifferent boards and agencies like that. But
I think there just needs to bea sh overall and that's a whole nother
conversation about legislation and different things.But as a survivor, you don't have
(29:07):
to prove yourself to anyone unless yoursituation is going to the court and you're
work on the legal team like Idid. That's different, you know,
But everybody else than they says forgetthem, people, forget them. People
like you don't have to prove yourselfto someone someone else. You know,
you know your truth and you standin that. And the last lesson I
(29:30):
learned was triggers are a natural partof the journey and they don't erase any
work that I did on myself,okay, And I had to learn how
to give myself genuine love and grace. And what I mean by that is
sometimes I'll be having conversations with peopleor just in a moment of thinking about
(29:51):
things, and my body will havea certain type of reaction. I may
get like, you know, sweatypalms. I may start sweating my chest,
they start hurting, pulseatan and I'measily triggered by something that's going on
around me, and none times outof ten it's because of the conversation topic
or things that people are saying aredoing. But I had to realize that
(30:12):
these are natural things. Now fastforward related to all this you know,
therapy and things that I've had,I know to handle those things. They
don't happen too often, right butif I'm in spaces where someone is making
me feel uncomfortable by their actions ontheir words, like thankfully, I know
how to speak up for myself now. Right back then I didn't, and
(30:34):
unfortunately things may have happened or havebeen said that didn't need to happen or
be said. You know, itjust takes so much time and patience and
giving yourself that grace and love isjust so important. It's so important.
And I do understand about going throughexperience like I did, or someone else
(30:55):
that's been through some type of youknow, sexual trauma and just wanted to
isolate yourself from the world world becauseyou don't know how other people want to
make you feel, and you're alwaysafraid. Because that was me for a
very long time. I find myselfstill isolating in moments. But what I
realized is the more love I gavemyself and the more grace I gave myself,
(31:15):
I took one notion that I deserveto live freely and that everyone is
not always out here to hurt me. Everyone won't hurt me, you know.
And it took a long time.Like I know, I keep saying
that, but I have to,like I have to drill that into somebody's
head today, that healing takes time. It doesn't matter if you have healed
(31:36):
from something that I have or somethingelse anything. It takes time. Give
yourself grace, give yourself love,and meet yourself where you are, not
what everyone thinks you should be,but where you are. It's something else
that I learned throughout this whole thing, and this was very important for me
as well, was you may wantsupport and love from certain people, friends,
(32:06):
family, your partner, whomever,but sometimes the reality is you're not
going to get that from them.And I wanted so much support from certain
people, more so family members.I wanted to have more these conversations.
I had so many questions and things, and I just felt like because a
(32:27):
lot of people were hurt, anda lot of people were faulting themselves or
a lot of people hadn't done theirown healing. And that's okay that these
type of conversations couldn't be had orthey really couldn't support me how I needed
to and how I yearned to besupported. And thankfully God blessed me with
the amazing group of friends that Ihave, because without them during that point
(32:50):
starting point on my journey, Iwouldn't have been able to make it this
far. Without my therapist, Iwouldn't have been able to make it this
far. And it's so important tohave people around you that honor your boundaries,
that honor your safety, that understandyou, and if they don't right,
because sometimes these topics can be reallycomplex, they make it their mission
(33:14):
to understand you. And I knowthat my friends, you know, and
other people that have come in contactwith me have done that, and again
I'm so very thankful for that,because a lot of people don't have that,
you know. So there were somany things I've learned throughout this journey.
There were so many realizations and things, but I think the overarch and
(33:36):
main focus for me was to justcome out on the other side. Like
I said, it was always tobe in a better space, to not
feel like I'm carrying the weight,because yes, did someone tell me that
what happened to me was my fault? Absolutely? Did someone tell me that
I deserve to be assaulted and allof those things for all those years,
Absolutely, that people begin to fallbelong, fall away from me. Absolutely?
(34:02):
Did I always feel like people waslooking at me and when they looked
at me, they was thinking themost disgusting things about me. Absolutely.
I didn't want to feel like thatanymore. I didn't want to feel like
I was walking around with a signon my back that says everyone hates me.
I didn't want to feel like Ihad to do the most to fit
into these spaces or for people tolike me. You know. I didn't
(34:24):
want to feel like or do thingsthat took me and my personality out of
context. You know. I wantedto just be accepted for who I was.
But it really came down to meaddressing the parts of me that I
have had ignored for so very long, and for me, unfortunately it was
my sexual trauma. Now Again,like I said, someone may be listening
(34:49):
that has experienced, you know,sexual trauma or just some type of abuse
or trauma, and your story isnot my story. But what I will
tell you is, because I've beenasked this a few times, is it's
healing really possible? I personally thinkhealing is possible. Healing is possible for
a lot of things. But whatI will always say is we are always
(35:10):
going to be healing from different cyclesof life throughout our life. And that
can look like many different things frommany different people. But comparison is the
deef of joy. Never compare yourjourney or what you have to what someone
else's, what someone else's have,or how someone else is that have been
through the same things that you haveto where you are on your path.
(35:32):
But what I will say is youcan get further. You will get further.
Just continue to do the work.Continue to do the work, and
continue to find those safe communities andenvironments of people that support you, that
understand you, and that feed youthe affirmations and the positivity that you need
(35:52):
to grow. Because again, I'mso grateful for mine and I know,
oh, I didn't get into muchof my story. Again, if you
want to hear it, I willput the information in a description and you
can definitely go listening. But myabuse started when I was in elementary school
and it went to I was inmiddle school, Okay, So yes,
(36:15):
a lot of my decisions in lifewere very clouded by things that I was
taught, things that I was told, things that were done to me,
okay, And there's just so manydifferent layers of my situation. But one
thing for certain is I am justso grateful for the person that I said
(36:36):
rescue me, and that was oneof my eighth grade teachers, because she
realized that something ain't right and wegotta get down to the bottoms. And
yeah, she was able to.She was right, she was absolutely right.
So my hope with this episode isthat someone is listening and you see
you hear my story and you realizethat it's not an easy journey. Healing
(37:02):
is never easy. There's so manylayers. It's ugly, it's not going
to always be beautiful, right,But you also know that your past traumas
and things do not determine your path, because I promise you, if I
didn't have the therapist that I havenow, if I didn't have the drive
(37:22):
in me to be better and comeout of what I was and who I
thought I was. I didn't havethe support of friends and family that I
have Now this Shakita Johnson send mefor you and that you hear on this
microphone would not be here today.I promised you that I will bet any
amount of money on that, andI'm grateful and I'm going to continue to
(37:45):
use my voice to help people.I want to continue to thrive in life.
And I'm not going to allow anytrauma, any trigger, any heartbreak,
anything break me down. I can't. I've come too far and I'm
not saying that things won't happen againin life. Yes, life be life.
And I just told y'all than yourgirl been going through it with working
(38:07):
stuff. However, now that I'vegotten the help that I needed and peel
back the layers of the onion,I'm rediscovering myself, continue to rediscover myself,
find things that I enjoy, findnew parts to me, and explore
different things. And that's what lifeis supposed to be about. And I
be God damn if somebody that wasthat fucked up in their head did that
(38:29):
stuff to me to continue to determinethe joy that I deserve in my life,
because absolutely not, absolutely not.I just I just I listen to
myself talk right now. I justcannot believe that I am no woman,
and I do not want to getemotional because that was not I cannot believe
(38:49):
that I am no woman that Iam today because y'all just have no idea.
Y'all have no idea. So yes, i am forever grateful for the
healing, and I'm forever grateful formy support. I'm just grateful, and
I truly hope that for anybody that'slistening, whether you're struggling with a trauma
or whatever, it's just a hardpatch in your life, keep going.
(39:13):
If you need help, please saysomething, Please say something. I know
a lot of people are having silentbattles and just struggling with mental health and
a whole bunch of other things.Just keep going, keep affirming that you
come out on the other side ofthat thing. If you feel like something
is off within you, you know, seek support. I will list a
(39:34):
whole bunch of mental health resources andsexual soolve resources also in a description.
Reach out to me. But justdo not hold that stuff in. And
if you are someone that is holdingonto some burdens that is not choice to
carry. Baby, We got torelease that stuff. Okay, we're going
to start releasing because we do notdeserve to carry on things. We do
(39:57):
not deserve to be hidden away.We deserve to keep elevated and be filled
with joy and live a limitless life. Okay, I would not know what
life is today if I hadn't saidsomething back then. So can't nobody come
before me ever in my life andshame me for speaking up as people like
(40:21):
to say, snitch it whatever.Can't nobody ever come in my life and
make me feel bad for the thingsthat happen to me. I've already felt
that physically, mentally, everything,but I've grown from it and I will
continue to nurse those wounds and putmyself first, and I want that for
everybody. So sorry, you girl, get a little caught up ryan this
(40:45):
topic, but I'm going to continueto raise awareness. I'm going to continue
to stand on this and speak aboutthese things, and I'll let you guys
listen and continue to support me andmy mission and everything that Chronicles of a
Virgo stands on. I truly goto this episode resonated with someone. If
it didn't, please share with someonethat you may know that it may resonate
(41:05):
with. If you have further questionsabout the topic, please do not hesitate
to reach out to me. Hitme up on social media Chronicles of a
Virgo podcast on all of my platforms, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook.
I think that's all. I lovethem, Or you want to do
it another way, you can alsoemail me at Chronicles of a Virgo twenty
two at gmail dot com. Anymore questions about this topic, something that
(41:30):
you want me to specifically speak onor post some information about, please send
it my way. I'll get itout there. I've been answering questions.
I don't mind answering them for youguys. Like I said, your girl
won't get back on track with myregular release days, but I could not
let another day go out that Ididn't say something. So yes, I
(41:52):
hope you guys enjoyed this episode.And oh yeah, don't forget to follow
me on YouTube as well. Hopeyou guys enjoyed this episode. I hope
that something resonated with someone. Hopeyou take something from it. But again,
yes, we got to release thesethings, y'all. We got to
heal. We can heal, Okay, we can come out on top of
(42:13):
anything all right, and young Gutado it alone. You do not have
to do it alone. Okay.So again y'all, thanks for joining you
back for this episode. Please pleaseplease take care of yourselves good people,
but most importantly, take care ofeach other. Peace out. Thank you
for listening to an episode of Chroniclesof a Virgo podcast with me your favor
(42:37):
favorite favorite Virgo host, Shikita Johnson. Your support means the world to me
as I want to continue to seeyou all prosper and grow. Please join
me back next Wednesday, where wewill continue to dive into more can it
and empower our conversations that we'll getyou a step closer to step it into
a new filled individual. Remember you'renot alone on your journey. Please don't
(43:00):
forget to subscribe to us on socialmedia at Chronicles of a Verbal podcast on
all social media platforms and the YouTubechannel. Check out our website and blog
at Chroniclesovivirgo dot website dot com.All links will be listed in the description
box below. Until next time,beautiful souls, keep rising from those ashes
(43:21):
and stay true to here and knowyour girl loves you. Peace out,
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My Favorite Murder is a true crime comedy podcast hosted by Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark. Each week, Karen and Georgia share compelling true crimes and hometown stories from friends and listeners. Since MFM launched in January of 2016, Karen and Georgia have shared their lifelong interest in true crime and have covered stories of infamous serial killers like the Night Stalker, mysterious cold cases, captivating cults, incredible survivor stories and important events from history like the Tulsa race massacre of 1921. My Favorite Murder is part of the Exactly Right podcast network that provides a platform for bold, creative voices to bring to life provocative, entertaining and relatable stories for audiences everywhere. The Exactly Right roster of podcasts covers a variety of topics including historic true crime, comedic interviews and news, science, pop culture and more. Podcasts on the network include Buried Bones with Kate Winkler Dawson and Paul Holes, That's Messed Up: An SVU Podcast, This Podcast Will Kill You, Bananas and more.
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Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com