February 28, 2023 • 37 mins
Toxic positivity presents as valuing and appreciating everything in your life. The reality is, this type of negative positivity is a denial of real emotions. Toxic positivity avoids taking a proactive and realistic approach to not just your own life, but of validating emotions, feelings and needs of others. In this episode we talk about our own personal experiences with this behavior. We highlight how to become aware when you are using this false positivity to cover your own pain. Listen as we explore the ways you can validate your own emotions and how to acknowledge and support the pain and challenges others.
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Episode Transcript
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Fortune (00:04):
Welcome all to circuitry. It's time to ignite
your life.
Jean (00:08):
Join us as we explore this episode's thought provoking
topic and what it means to usthrough everyday life challenges
and practical spiritual tools.
So let's start
Fortune (00:17):
sharing Hello, darling.
Hello, darling. How are you?
Jean (00:24):
I'm doing really good with we've been away for about a
week. Yeah, we had a littlewinter break. We did the kids
were off to school. And I took alittle trip. You took a little
trip? Yeah. So that was nice. Wecome back refreshed, ready to
go?
Fortune (00:38):
Well, I bet refreshed I had a run around.
Jean (00:41):
I had a really naive had with my daughter. Yeah, we went
to Savannah.
Fortune (00:46):
I was a wolf. Oh, wow.
Jean (00:51):
So today, let's jump into it. There's a lot of stuff to
cover. Here. We are talkingabout toxic positivity. And we
all know that person who can begot Debbie Downer and overly
negative all the time. Yes, butthere's also something that can
be almost the exact opposite ofthat, which is toxic positivity.
And we're gonna kind of explorethat today. So, um,
Fortune (01:14):
yes. And I think I think that realizing really what
this is, yeah, you know what Imean? Like we have, I feel like
I just unfolded more and moreand more about this. Yes. And it
really has to do with yourmental health. I mean, it's
really something that you needto know, explore within
(01:34):
yourself, because there's somany different avenues with
this. Absolutely. You know, andI think telling, you know, I
mean, saying nice things all thetime, is really a telling tale
on that person.
Jean (01:51):
Yeah. And I think the thing that you know, when
somebody is we live in aculture, okay, what do you what
happens when you go on socialmedia? What's the first thing
you see is you feel see apositive meme? You see, you
know, somebody's just tellingyou to just flip it to just feel
good, too. Just, don't benegative, don't be. And it's
(02:14):
almost like shaming you. Yes.
into thinking that if you Howdare you even think, or have a
moment, or we almost feel likein order to be spiritual, that
we have to be positive? Yes. Andthat's not true.
Fortune (02:30):
It's not true at all, at all. Not true at all. It's
got so many social media, butsocial media can be overwhelming
if you're feeling overwhelmedwhen you're reading all that get
off. Because that is it isputting you in a state of
anxiety, shame, sadness, insteadof lifting you. Yes, it's making
(02:51):
you feel like why don't I feellike that? Yep. Why do I feel
angry or sad? Or having anxiety,you know what I mean? So that
needs to just you need to getoff. Because
Jean (03:01):
other workplaces that can present itself and I experiences
all the time when I was in thecorporate world, is, if you are
not the shooter, if you Mypleasure, if you know, not even
that, but if you are like,because I was in the corporate
world, we would go into thoseboard meetings, and there would
be projects and things and don'tyou dare tell the emperor that
(03:22):
he doesn't have any clothes on?
Right? Okay, or this isn'tworking, or that failed, or this
person isn't producing. Andhere's why. As if it's your
fault, and it's so if you if youwere either with the program, or
you were against it, and if youweren't succeeding, then then
you were the failure. You werethe reason why the whole company
was failing, or, you were thenaysayer.
Fortune (03:44):
So you have to really use your toxic positivity. Oh,
my gosh, you
Jean (03:48):
learned it was cultivated there. You know, it was like You
don't ever say, How's it going?
It's going great. You know,what's going on with that
project? Oh, you wouldn'tbelieve all the things we're
doing. Oh, fantastic. And in themeantime, you're scrambling. And
you may be the passionate personthat's trying to really bring
some value to the company, butdo not do not even, you know, a
slant of well, this isn't reallyworking. And here's where we
(04:12):
have to change
Fortune (04:14):
it. And you're just set it right there. This is where
it's not working. And this iswhat we have to change. Right?
That's where we really have todive in deep. Yes. And see the
negativity as a plus. Okay, Isee what's not working, right.
That's a beautiful thing. I seewhy I'm sad. I see why I'm
(04:34):
angry. I need to figure out whatthat means and how I can change
and make that better. You know,let's
Jean (04:41):
spiritually mentally unhealthy to live in a constant
state of denial. So we're notachieving any level of
spirituality if we're alwaystrying to just put a bandaid on
it. And just just keep going.
Just don't don't acknowledgethat somebody is hurting, right.
Something's going wrong. It'sreally
Fortune (05:03):
you got to allow those natural emotions to surface and
play it out.
Jean (05:10):
Yeah. Yeah. Cuz because toxic positive when somebody's
being toxically positive. Okay.
Fortune (05:15):
Yeah, constantly telling you to, oh, what's gonna
get better? And, you know, thisis, you know, it's you got this.
You got this and all those Ibelieve in you. Oh, you've been
Jean (05:25):
through this before you'll get through it.
Fortune (05:27):
Right. Right, right, right. Right. Right. It's not so
bad. That's all better couldhave been worse. Think
Jean (05:32):
of all the things you have to be grateful for. Right? Yeah.
Now? Yes. I mean, we talkedabout all those principles.
Yeah. And we believe in them,but to just another way to put
it out? Well, that's what I callspiritual flashcards. It's just
like, if you're just sittingthere knowing just that's the
first thing that rolls off yourhead is this, it's this bullet
phrases, right? That just inserthere. And it doesn't solve
(05:53):
anything? Well,
Fortune (05:54):
well, okay. I suffer from toxic positivity. And I did
not realize this until I had acouple of things happen that
really had an awakening. Yes, Ihad an awakening. Okay. You
know, something happened. And Iwas like, Oh, well, you know,
there was a hurricane. And therewas things were destroyed. And
(06:17):
someone was very close to methat was very upset about it.
And I was like, Oh, it's achance to rebuild. came right
out of my mouth. Because, numberone, I'm a mom. And I think
sometimes when you're a mom, anda church was one of my children,
and you don't want them to hurt,so you want to put that bandaid
on, not realizing that I neededto just be compassionate and
(06:40):
comforting and supporting, whichI realized, and I did, but it
was it just automatically cameout of my mouth, a
Jean (06:48):
person displaying toxic positivity often is not in touch
with their own emotions. Right,exactly. That's what was
happening with me, or they'rebeing hard on themselves, or
they feel out of control, orthey want to help, but they
don't have the resources. Yes.
So in that state of, I don'tthink that a person can I don't
think that anybody who's beingtoxically positive, is
(07:09):
intentionally trying to nothelp. I think they're, they're
conscious overly they just wantit to be okay. Yes. But that's
almost a feeling of they havenot really explored what's going
on internally with themselves.
So if you can't deal with yourown emotions, that's
Fortune (07:26):
how are you going to definitely yes, definitely what
I was experiencing, and I thinkfrom someone on the other side,
giving the toxic positivity,that if someone can she could
share with me, or someone that'sdoing that share with them. Hey,
you know, I don't know if youmean it, but I kind of hurt me
what you said, you know, sharewith them, let them you know,
(07:47):
reveal it for them. You knowwhat I mean? Because I didn't
even realize what I was doing. Ithought I was doing a nice
thing,
Jean (07:53):
right? That's it was kind of like your way of coping, you
know, your way of coping throughthe situation. It's like, it's
going to be okay. It's almostlike, it's almost like a
pacifier or warm blanket. It'slike saying, if I just say this,
if I just keep saying thatinformation, spite, I keep
believing the affirmations. If Ikeep saying that spirituality
flashcard, it will be okay.
Right. But we're not in thepresent. Right. And also,
Fortune (08:17):
like, you know, my other daughter is saying, to me,
that's my belief system, thateverything happens for a reason.
But not everybody understands orsees your perception on things.
You know what I mean? So youhave to take that step back, you
have to pause, think about whatyou're gonna do, you have
Jean (08:32):
to take a proactive and realistic approach, it may all
be happening for a reason. Butthe reason may not be positive,
really on the surface, likemaybe something you have to get
through.
Fortune (08:42):
Yes, they have to mourn something. Or you could say
things like, Well, I'mlistening, I'm here no matter
what, whatever it is, you know,that must be really hard.
There's different responses thatwe could give, you know,
validate their feelings, whichis something that I'm learning
to do as well, where you know,because I, you know, I don't
(09:06):
want to come up with an excuse,but really from a person that
just doesn't want to seesomebody else suffer. Or like
you said, maybe it's making mesuffer, and I'm trying to cover
it up. Absolutely. I'm coveringup the pain, hurt people hurt
people. And yes, exactly. So wereally have to be conscious of
when we're doing that we'redoing it all day long, right?
(09:29):
And we don't realize so ifyou're in a relationship
Jean (09:31):
with someone, you're counting on them to support you.
Okay, you're counting on them torespect your boundaries, right?
You're counting on them to holdyour hand sometimes through your
pain, you're not asking them tosolve it. You know, which is a
big thing, like a person who'stoxically positive sometimes
puts on this like, well, it'sgonna be fine. Now let's, let's
(09:51):
get to that. Yes. Let's get tothe result.
Fortune (09:54):
Yes, and I'm guilty of this with you. Okay, we're gonna
get a little personal butdismiss it dismissed. seeing
others difficult feelings. Ihave done that. And that is
awful.
Jean (10:06):
I view my child, okay.
Fortune (10:08):
But okay, but it took a fight for us to get into a fight
and get and dig and really seewhy there was, you know, such
hurt feelings, you know, and Ididn't realize that that was
happening. So now I have toreally, again, be conscious, be
conscious of that because thenegativity is not always a bad
(10:29):
thing. What is the name of ourshow? circuitry circuitry, what
does circuitry encompassnegative positive? Coming
together using the restrictionto turn on the light?
Jean (10:43):
Why can I go off that when we were creating the website?
Fortune (10:47):
No, I'm just saying that so brilliant. No, but I'm
just saying you need to have thenegative to turn on the light.
It's not just positive, you needto have the negative combined
with the positive. Yes, with therestriction, right to find the
Jean (11:01):
light you just hit on something toxic positivity is
darkness. So when a person isgoing through darkness, and
you're trying to combat thedarkness with more darkness, you
You've not let the light in,right? You're never gonna have
it. Right. You're just you'rejust flicking off the switch.
Basically, you don't want to seetheir pain. You don't want to
(11:23):
know it. You're trying to getrid of it as quick as you can.
Oh, yeah. But it's it's you'renot giving. You're not what's
what are we always supposed togive human dignity, right? You
are not giving that personexcept any human dignity. And if
you are just trying to fix it.
What's the other thing you'rereceiving for the self along?
(11:44):
Right, right? Right. You are notwith that person. You're not
sharing? You are not there's noreal empathy, no real support.
There it is fake reassurance.
Fortune (11:55):
Absolutely. Oh, and I wasn't going to go there yet.
No, but fake. That's what it'sall about fake. I think toxic
positivity. Listen to this is amask? Yes. It's fake. Okay, we
have so much pressure in oursociety to look a certain way or
act a certain way. All thosethings. So we put on this fake
(12:19):
persona to do that. Yes. And Ithink that's where we fall into
the toxic positivity. Right? Youknow what I mean? Well,
Jean (12:27):
for a person who suffered from a chart, you know, like, we
were all a mirror for eachother, we're all in each other's
grape clusters. So that littlebig fight that we had, or that,
you know, whatever came toblows, that we had really kind
of just resolved this between usand kind of just put it out in
the open. So we could, but thankgoodness, no, no, I'm glad I'm
saying we had to acknowledge it.
But what I'm saying is, is thatwhat we found in that, and I'll
(12:49):
show my underwear a little bit,is that you were the trigger to
show me where I had to get ridof my own pain. Because I came
from a situation and I'm notgoing to name names, but it came
from a family member. One, andit also came from another
relationship, which is it justkept presenting myself, which is
(13:09):
I shouldn't be ashamed of mehaving real emotions or
feelings, or I, I shouldn't feellike I could express myself
because I'm just beingridiculous, right? Because that
person didn't want to deal withme, right? Just get just get on
with it. Right? Get past it.
Yeah, get past and get thisfeeling like you're not good
enough. You are just you can bethe most present as the most
(13:31):
competent person in the world.
But when you are constantlybeing told you're not good
enough, or I don't valueanything you're feeling, right.
So you kind of just feel like,well, you don't deserve love, or
compassion or empathy orsomebody shouldering it, what
are you? How about that?
Shouldering it with you, right?
I think you have to do ityourself. And if you're
Fortune (13:51):
sad or angry, there's your clue right there that
there's something that needs tochange, not in the other person
in yourself.
Jean (13:59):
Okay, you're subconsciously being told you're
just not trying hard enough allthe time. All the time all the
time, right, then that's a cluefor not just to say, okay, with
change the toxic, positiveperson, you need to work on
something in yourself. You needto be saying to yourself, well,
maybe I need to feel that painthat brought me here and maybe I
(14:21):
need to work through it and whyaren't I valuing myself and why
aren't I standing up for myselfin that situation? That that,
aren't you it wasn't an argumentfor me. I think it was our both
of our ways of trying to standup for our experience and work
through it and really supporteach other to get to some kind
of better union.
Fortune (14:40):
Yes, yes. And that's, you know, always Yeah,
communication, all those thingsmatter. And when you do treat
someone like that, they willshut down on you. They will shut
down on you. And that's it. You
Jean (14:53):
keep trying. They stopped trying to tell you right because
you're not listening. Yes, notyes, the person is toxic.
Fortune (14:59):
Yes, I know. I know I understand what you're saying,
you know, they just they will.
And then you don't know whyyou're like, what understand
what isn't, you know, what doesany want to talk to me? Or why
is that person ignoring me orwhatever? It's because you're
not using those the skills thatwe all have as a human to be
(15:20):
compassionate and accepting. Andall those things.
Jean (15:25):
Yes, well, I'm gonna go a little heavy here. There's a lot
of things that are out in theworld. One of one thing is and I
don't like to put labels onthings. But there's, there's a
word that's associated with acertain behavioral disorder. And
it is gaslighting. Yes. Andtoxic positivity can actually
(15:49):
kind of resemble that. Becauseyou if you are being tricked,
were tricked, and you'reconstantly questioning your own
reality, which is whatgaslighting is, right? If you're
constantly going to fromperception, why am I getting so
why does that person it's not abig deal to them. It's why is it
a big deal to me? Is it is am Imaking too much of a big deal
(16:10):
about this? Am I not? Why arethey just not even wanting to
hear my pain? Why are they notwanting to talk to me about
this? Why are they just tellingme to get over it? Right? I
guess there's something wrongwith me. There's something wrong
with me. I'm too sensitive. I'mtoo this I'm too that I need to
just shut up. Right. Wrong.
Wrong. But that is gaslighting,but
Fortune (16:32):
that's also ego within ourselves as well. You know, I
mean, because we have to say no,you have to value yourself and
say no, that is not the story.
Yes.
Jean (16:42):
But what I'm saying is when that is happening,
gaslighting is happening, ithappens sometimes so subtly in
the beginning, and I've beenthrough gaslighting, I've been
in a relationship with somebodywho had the skills down to
science. And you can be tryingto you keep trying to fix the
situation, keep trying to say,Well, what about this? And why
don't we try to talk this way?
And why don't we try and relateto each other that way, and let
(17:04):
me help you this way. Right? Andso you start giving more and
more and more and more and moreand more and more.
Fortune (17:10):
And you're burying the emotion that you're feeling
because you're just trying torun worse. Right? Exactly.
Jean (17:17):
And you're trying to get this person to listen to you and
to accept you and to be with youbecause you're going why? Why
don't we have these greatrelationships with everybody
else, but with this person. I'mlike jumping, I'm tumbling, I'm
doing cartwheels, everything,nothing. They're making you feel
like you're crazy. You're crazyfor feeling you're crazy. Right?
So it can be very mentallyunhealthy for both parties to be
(17:44):
not really last state ofbalance, right? Oh, yes.
Balance? Yes.
Fortune (17:49):
Well, that's what you know, consciousness is
everything, we have to be awake.
You can't just react, going todo that pause, remember, and
balance your reactions, withcare and thi love all those
things, you know, but, you know,I guess we get trapped sometimes
or tricked, like we said, youknow, into thinking one way,
change your perception and boom,you're out of jail, you're free.
(18:12):
You know, all you need to do ischange your perception of it.
You know what I mean? But youcan't when you're in it, you
can't see. You can't see becauseyou, you want it so bad. You
want it to work so bad. Or youwant to have that relationship
so bad that you don't see it.
Right. And that you believe
Jean (18:32):
I think that you know, just like I was expressing the
side of it, that is acceptancefrom the person who's
experiencing the toxicpositivity, you know, we'll we
have to have empathy towards theperson who's being toxic, toxic
positively, because they'redoing their their experience,
not the same thing as thegaslighting, but they're
experiencing the same thing. Ijust want to be accepted. I want
to feel connected to you, I wantto be the source of making this
(18:53):
better for you. I want to helpyou, but I
Fortune (18:56):
don't know how. Right.
And that's going back to being aparent, what I was saying like
what the kids, right, you know,like, I would want to fix it all
the time. And they say don'trescue a child from a skinned
knee. That's what that's allabout. You know what I mean?
It's okay for it not to be okay.
You know, all the time. We sayDon't cry, don't cry. No. Go
ahead and cry. Have your cry.
And now let's talk about it. Youknow what I mean? You have to
(19:18):
let them feel that emotion andsee where the pain is coming
from.
Jean (19:25):
Even with a child sit in the discomfort for a minute,
right? It's okay.
Fortune (19:29):
Yes, it's okay. Because you need to sit in it. You need
to the most shares
Jean (19:33):
are bad. They just are Yes. Yes. They just aren't. And
why are we as a culture soafraid of emotions?
Fortune (19:42):
I don't know. But like I've been a parent for 41 years,
and I'm just learning this now.
Yeah, okay. I'm just learningthis now. That it is so
important to just have adifferent perspective on it.
It's okay if they get upset.
It's okay if they get angry.
Find out why that's happening,and helping them to rescue
themselves. You know, it reallymakes a difference. And I think
(20:07):
for all the parents out there,it's something to really think
about. Well, you know, we'rewe're even
Jean (20:14):
even adults. Right, and we're delaying the real
transformation. Yes, that's whattoxic positivity and toxic
negativity does. It's too it'stoo polarized, there has to be
that central combat balance inthe middle circuitry. Yeah, you
really have to be saying, Okay,I'm not going to encourage you
(20:34):
to go to a darker place. I'm notgonna say oh, yeah, it's
terrible. Yeah. But I'm notgonna say, Oh, it's fine. You'll
get through it. You've beenthrough worse than this.
Fortune (20:44):
There is way of saying, you know, failure is a part of
life. I'm here for you. I'mlistening. Right, validate
whatever, right, exactly. You
Jean (20:51):
don't have to fix somebody else's problems. That's not why
we're here. No, but we are hereto love.
Fortune (20:57):
Yes, but we will we do like to fix other people's
problems. So it's something thatwe need to be conscious of that
we just need to be there tosupport and let them figure it
out. Right? Just Just let themfigure it out. Because that's
the only deal or it's a youknowledge meant you're
Jean (21:11):
you're feeling pain right now. Okay, if I came to you, and
my arm was broken, okay. And youcould see the bone sticking out
of my arm, would you just say,You know what happened back in
and wrap it up? You'll be fine.
You don't say that? Right? So ifsomebody's showing you where
they're hurt, or where they'reangry, or where they're
disappointed. It's just asimportant. Yes. To give them
(21:32):
that space to work through it.
To work through it or just feellike I'm not alone. somebody's
listening to me.
Fortune (21:41):
Yes. Oh, that's a big that's a big help. Well, that's
therapy. someone's listening tome.
Jean (21:45):
No, that's what Yeah,
Fortune (21:46):
I mean, that's what it's all about therapy is
someone listening to you,someone giving you support?
Someone helping you to diginside of yourself? To find out
because only you can healyourself? You know, therapists
are not healing mess
Jean (22:01):
Hain that's where the Okay, well, that's what we've
talked about this before. Ifyou're experiencing any kind of
pain or discomfort, what is thattelling you? That's, that's the
trigger. That's where you arelearning to be healed? You are
saying this is something okay.
That bothers me. Why why
Fortune (22:21):
now? Right? Right.
Right. Right. I'm having anxietyabout that I feel angry about
it. Right, sad, or any
Jean (22:27):
motive, or I shut down? Or I don't want to deal with it, or
I'm toxically positive about it.
What is it about that, thatmakes me not be balanced and
open and loving and empatheticand connected? Right? Oh, yeah.
You
Fortune (22:43):
feel very alone? Yes.
Right. Both parties? Absolutely.
Jean (22:48):
So it's something that goes on in our society. And it's
it's really harmful. So I guess,you know, I think the other
thing is that we don't realize,you know, we've been taught
spiritually that there's,there's actions. There's words
in their thoughts. Yes, and eachone of those has a butterfly
effect. Each one of those has aspark, that if you are not
(23:12):
keeping those, those thoughtswouldn't realize the power that
even a small action, a smallthought a small word can harm
hurt, yes, put off track. And wehave got to be conscious
conscious of every thing that wedo a bad word shouldn't be
(23:32):
coming out of our mouth. Andlack of a good word can
sometimes be a bad word.
Fortune (23:38):
Yes, speech is a big power that we have, you know,
and if you can't instantly thinkthese are all expressions
Jean (23:47):
of our physical self, again, we're in the physical
with those things. And that'swhere we lose, we lose sight
when we are so immersed in howwe are going to respond in a
physical instead of a spiritualway. When we are concentrating
on the body, it's spiritualsuicide.
Fortune (24:07):
Yes, but that's part of it to work through how to
concentrate on the body in a waythat is compassionate human
dignity, and so on and so forth.
It's kindness that they'rehaving. Yeah, they're having
Kindness week at school. Sowe're talking about kindness.
Okay. But kindness doesn'talways mean cheery, what it
means supportive. It means beingthere, it means if you, you
(24:29):
know, see somebody angry, try tounderstand, you know what I
mean? Well,
Jean (24:35):
it's also about honesty.
How about just some honestyHemanth I don't know how to make
this better for you. Butwhatever I can do. I'm here for
you. Right. Let me know. I willdo it. You know, I've just
listened to you. Or I'll justgive you a hug. Or
Fortune (24:53):
and sometimes, you know, redirection is necessary.
Oh, I'm sure need to pullsomebody out of their bed. Add
mood or whatever and dosomething fun or whatever. But
you know what it can workagainst? That's what we're
talking about right now, you'renot gonna work against the whole
situation. If you're not, ifthey're not feeling validated,
first validate them. Okay, thenyou can move on to cheering them
(25:16):
up, you know what I mean? Butfirst, they need to be
validated. First, they need toknow that what they're feeling
is okay.
Jean (25:23):
Well, I think I what I'm realizing is that people who are
exhibiting this toxic positivityare probably falling into a
couple of different categories.
But I think one of the, the onesthat we all need to be
empathetic about is if we'reexperiencing this is to first of
all validate your own self.
Okay, what you're experiencingIsrael, you're not crazy. And
(25:45):
also validate them. Because theyare doing this from some sort of
pain as well. So they're notacknowledging their own pain
somewhere. And they have learnedto just go past it. And that's
not good for them. Absolutely.
So if you really love somebody,and we should love everybody in
love are saying, share whenyou're feeling that, so when
(26:08):
somebody's showing that to you,that should be a light bulb
going off going? Wow, they mayseem okay. And they may seem
like they're always positive, orthey're always that, but there's
something wounded in them. Yes.
That may or may need somesupport. Right. And one
Fortune (26:26):
signal is rejecting when you see somebody that's
rejecting negativity or negativeemotions. Yes. You know what I
mean? They just can't, you know,it's doing that rejecting your
negative emotions is the worstthing that you can do for
yourself.
Jean (26:44):
What do we all say? How are you doing? I'm fine. I'm
fine. Doing good. Right?
Everything's great. Yeah. Aaronis good. And if you want us to
shame in everything's not good.
Everything's, it's okay. I'mhaving a little bit of a bad
day. You know, Jerry Seinfeld,that whole thing. stop and chat.
Nobody wants to. I say how youdoing? All I wanted to say is
(27:04):
good and keep walking. Right?
That is our society. Right? Wedon't want to hear that. Oh,
well, you're asking let me tellyou. I don't have time for this.
Nobody has time for each otheranymore.
Fortune (27:16):
Well, you don't want to be Yeah, it's it's a balancing
act. It's a balancing act. Youknow, I mean, because you also
don't want to be soaking upsomebody's bad energy with all
Jean (27:26):
Oh, no, you're definitely one that that's that's also
where you're bringing in. Youhave toxins that toxic energy
into your life. You don't wantto constantly be going okay,
well,
Fortune (27:36):
tell me all your all your problems. Right. Right.
Jean (27:39):
Give us give them to me.
I'll listen. Because that's,that's that's a whole other you
know, toxic behavior andsomebody where you just feel
like, I'll take it all on? Well,
Fortune (27:50):
that's when you need boundaries, because we were just
talking, I was just listeningabout Pisces and how that's what
they do. They were so open, theywant to listen to everybody's
problems, but they don't knowhow to put the boundaries. Yes.
So then they are overwhelmedwith all this negative energy.
And again, it's, you know, gottabe aware of it. You have to be
what, whether you're a Pisces ornot, you know, you have to be
(28:12):
aware of where your boundariesare. You know, and if it doesn't
feel good, why doesn't feelgood? You know what I mean?
Yeah. So And yep, stop rightthere. Yeah, I gotta go, you
know, and then say, Okay, thisis bothering me, for some reason
why, right? So important, soimportant to dig, gotta get out
(28:33):
your shovels and dig and findit, because it's gems, it's
diamonds. You know, that's whatyou have to mined for a diamond.
You know, I mean, you have todig? Well, I think
Jean (28:42):
also, you know, we're hitting on something here, which
is, you know, I was saying whatthing, then you contributed
this, and then we're like, we'regoing down a road here. And I
just said, why don't we havetime? Okay. And you're saying,
well, we need to take the timemight be a minor, right? But
that's not what our societytells us. Our society does not.
I mean, it's starting, there's agreat movement going on right
now people like really gettingto know and trying to be more
(29:05):
patches trying to be moreconscious. And that's amazing.
We didn't this is something sopowerful. It's but again, it has
that balance. Yes, it doesn'thave to balance. What I'm saying
is, we're taught, like, Ibrought up the corporate
environment we're taught to,especially in this country, we
are number one, we must succeed,you got to get out there, you
(29:26):
got to get this salary, you gotto have this house, you got to
have this. You got to have thekids look around race and you've
got to have them in soccer andbasketball in art class and
cheerleading, and whatever. Andyou've got to be cooking the
perfect dinner or, you know,having the perfect outfit. And
then the shoes that are sopopular where we are, it's all
about the physical and what itlooks like, right instead of how
(29:48):
you feel. Right? And we want itto look good, right? And so
that's that's social media,right? So we have toasts
everything it all looksbeautiful, and you're like
beautiful. My life is my life.
Isn't that good? Wow, well Whatcan I post that makes me look
that good? Right? Exactly. Andso you're being fake again,
there's the mask, right? Itisn't real, but it's a mask. It
isn't real. All this, all thisand we need to stop it. It's
(30:09):
just like, because the minutesout,
Fortune (30:12):
we need to stop it if we want to enjoy our life more.
And we want to contribute topeace and harmony, you know,
within ourselves and the world.
Jean (30:23):
Absolutely. Why? No, you're right. And I think that,
you know, Oh, I
Fortune (30:28):
love when you say I'm right. I'm teasing you, teasing
you.
Jean (30:36):
So, um, I think what we're getting at here is that there is
so much that we can do tosupport each other. In moments
that may seem kind of just dayto day nonsense. You know, just
whatever, like those flippantcomments of, you know, how you
(30:59):
doing? I'm not so good. Ah,you'll get over it, you're
strong, something like that.
It's, you have to kind
Fortune (31:06):
of Yeah, the bright side is not always the side that
you want to be on right now. Ifyou can't have
Jean (31:12):
that conversation with that person in that moment,
which I encourage you to do, bythe way, at another moment, if
it's not that moment, right? Youit's important to say, You know
what, that hurt me when you didthat, that you didn't care that
I was feeling bad? Or they wouldsay, Well, I absolutely cared?
Fortune (31:28):
It's it's all about the reaction. It's
Jean (31:29):
all about the reaction.
But it's, it can be really hardwhen you're experiencing it, or
when you're doing it to see
Fortune (31:38):
Oh, absolutely. I just explained to you how I went
through it, you know, and Iprobably still do it and don't
still don't see it. You knowwhat I mean? You have to keep
it's not something like, oh, oh,I saw that. Now, I don't do it
anymore. You know what I mean?
You have to be consciousconsciousness is everything. You
know, you have to do the pause.
And you have to invite in, youknow, get connected with your
(32:02):
higher self. And think aboutwhat you're saying and what
you're doing and go, Okay, Ineed to do the proactive action.
Now. I need to either apologizeor come up with a better
response. Right.
Jean (32:15):
But before you get to that, I think what we're talking
about here is you there is painthere there is trauma, there is
some type of boundary possiblythat needs to be established,
you have to figure out whyfirst, that's what the triggers
there for it. Some people justcan't go from. I experienced
this. And now I'm going tothat's, that's basically what
(32:36):
we're talking about here. Well,now just go do the proactive
action now go do this, and
Fortune (32:40):
you'll be fine. Well, no, you might not be fine. Well,
that's why I'm saying like whenI said what I said to my
daughter, you know, like, oh,well, it's chance to rebuild,
then I had to go back andapologize, because I really you
know how to say, I'm sorry, Ithat was so rude. You know, I
just I'm sorry, I just hurts mewhen I see you hurting. But, you
(33:02):
know, I know that you're goingto miss all that. And it's never
going to be there again. Andyou're what you're feeling and
and, you know, I'm with you, youknow if you need to talk about
it or whatever, but had to cuthad to take responsibility was
what I'm saying? For my action?
You know,
Jean (33:19):
right. Right. But I'm saying that what causes the
toxic positivity sometimes isthe not acknowledging your own
pain, right? Yes. So you youcaught the the effect it had on
her. I'm using that as anexample because you brought it
up, but But are youacknowledging why you did that?
And I'm not asking you to answerme right now. I'm just saying
that if anyone's listening tothis, yes, you can see that
(33:42):
you're doing it. But the nextstep is, it's not about after
you've kind of made the effortto let them know you're there
for them. It's time to also go,why am I doing that? Right? Why
did I have that knee jerkreaction to just make this all
okay, or why wasn't Icomfortable with their pain? Why
didn't I take two minutes tolisten, when they really needed
(34:04):
me at that moment? I love thatperson. Why didn't I do that?
Right? So that's you examining?
Not you, anybody but your ownpain? Yes. And going, you know,
this is something that I'm doingthis and this time, good. So it
takes time to get like you saythrough
Fortune (34:23):
the self reflection, and you have to really go there
and try to think, what are somethings? What does that mean? I
may
Jean (34:29):
be talking to a friend or a spiritual advisor or your
husband or spouse or whatever,yes, you know, someone you have
you trust, right? To just say,Hey, I'm doing this PR notices
about me. I think you'd besurprised at the answer. Yes.
And if you're experiencing it,I'm encouraging everybody to
have the courage or the strengthmaybe, or the, I guess, self
(34:54):
awareness, to say to the personthat your experience first
experience it in yourself likeI'm saying go dig around go.
Why? Why is this happening to mein my life where people aren't
saying, take responsibility? Whyis this happening? Why? What am
I doing? Or what did Iexperience that makes this a
pattern in myself? I need tochange that too. Right? And then
possibly the next step is beingvulnerable. And asking for help.
(35:19):
And saying, Listen, this ishurting me or this is whatever,
because that's really youvaluing yourself. Yes. So it's
an ROI for a reason. It is acultural thing right now.
Fortune (35:30):
And it's all about, you know, connecting to your higher
self to understand everythingabout yourself. We're so
complex, emotions can be socomplex. You know, I mean, you
can be feeling anxiety aboutwhat's happening tomorrow, but
at the same time, be excitedabout it. So you having a good
and a bad emotion that emotionscan be so complex? Yes, you
(35:52):
know, but the more that we sharewith each other, and the more
that we really work onourselves. Oh, my goodness,
there's so much more happiness.
Absolutely.
Jean (36:01):
Absolutely. So I would like to invite anybody out there
because like, we're really kindof just trying to get to know
who's listening. And we'rereally trying to build this kind
of community community, youknow, you can eat you know, just
just, we will not share it withthe public. If you don't want us
to, if you do want us to, we canuse it on a show. Send us a
letter, send us a message on oneof our social media platforms.
(36:23):
Let us know when you'veexperienced toxic positivity
from yourself or someone'ssomeone's is exhibiting those
behaviors towards you, and howit makes you feel or what the
situation was in. Or maybe youhave a point something we can
bring to other people and share.
Because that's
Fortune (36:37):
how we heal. That's absolutely each other. We heal
through each other.
Jean (36:41):
Absolutely. So can we agree right now that we've kind
of explored toxic pawns? Weunderstand toxic positive is a
mask. It's amazing. All right,well, we don't know what next
episode is going to be. So we'llkeep you posted. We'll probably
post it on social media, so keepan eye I love you.
Fortune (37:03):
If you enjoyed this episode, please follow like and
share this podcast.
Jean (37:07):
For more sparks of light, follow circuitry on social
media, look for the light bulband become a podcast subscriber
on our website for more podcastcontent.
Fortune (37:17):
We love hearing from you all. So share questions
story or a topic that we canexplore.
Jean (37:22):
Email us at fn J at Ignite circuitry.com. And don't forget
to ignite your life
Welcome all to circuitry. It's time to ignite
your life.
Jean (00:08):
Join us as we explore this episode's thought provoking
topic and what it means to usthrough everyday life challenges
and practical spiritual tools.
So let's start
Fortune (00:17):
sharing Hello, darling.
Hello, darling. How are you?
Jean (00:24):
I'm doing really good with we've been away for about a
week. Yeah, we had a littlewinter break. We did the kids
were off to school. And I took alittle trip. You took a little
trip? Yeah. So that was nice. Wecome back refreshed, ready to
go?
Fortune (00:38):
Well, I bet refreshed I had a run around.
Jean (00:41):
I had a really naive had with my daughter. Yeah, we went
to Savannah.
Fortune (00:46):
I was a wolf. Oh, wow.
Jean (00:51):
So today, let's jump into it. There's a lot of stuff to
cover. Here. We are talkingabout toxic positivity. And we
all know that person who can begot Debbie Downer and overly
negative all the time. Yes, butthere's also something that can
be almost the exact opposite ofthat, which is toxic positivity.
And we're gonna kind of explorethat today. So, um,
Fortune (01:14):
yes. And I think I think that realizing really what
this is, yeah, you know what Imean? Like we have, I feel like
I just unfolded more and moreand more about this. Yes. And it
really has to do with yourmental health. I mean, it's
really something that you needto know, explore within
(01:34):
yourself, because there's somany different avenues with
this. Absolutely. You know, andI think telling, you know, I
mean, saying nice things all thetime, is really a telling tale
on that person.
Jean (01:51):
Yeah. And I think the thing that you know, when
somebody is we live in aculture, okay, what do you what
happens when you go on socialmedia? What's the first thing
you see is you feel see apositive meme? You see, you
know, somebody's just tellingyou to just flip it to just feel
good, too. Just, don't benegative, don't be. And it's
(02:14):
almost like shaming you. Yes.
into thinking that if you Howdare you even think, or have a
moment, or we almost feel likein order to be spiritual, that
we have to be positive? Yes. Andthat's not true.
Fortune (02:30):
It's not true at all, at all. Not true at all. It's
got so many social media, butsocial media can be overwhelming
if you're feeling overwhelmedwhen you're reading all that get
off. Because that is it isputting you in a state of
anxiety, shame, sadness, insteadof lifting you. Yes, it's making
(02:51):
you feel like why don't I feellike that? Yep. Why do I feel
angry or sad? Or having anxiety,you know what I mean? So that
needs to just you need to getoff. Because
Jean (03:01):
other workplaces that can present itself and I experiences
all the time when I was in thecorporate world, is, if you are
not the shooter, if you Mypleasure, if you know, not even
that, but if you are like,because I was in the corporate
world, we would go into thoseboard meetings, and there would
be projects and things and don'tyou dare tell the emperor that
(03:22):
he doesn't have any clothes on?
Right? Okay, or this isn'tworking, or that failed, or this
person isn't producing. Andhere's why. As if it's your
fault, and it's so if you if youwere either with the program, or
you were against it, and if youweren't succeeding, then then
you were the failure. You werethe reason why the whole company
was failing, or, you were thenaysayer.
Fortune (03:44):
So you have to really use your toxic positivity. Oh,
my gosh, you
Jean (03:48):
learned it was cultivated there. You know, it was like You
don't ever say, How's it going?
It's going great. You know,what's going on with that
project? Oh, you wouldn'tbelieve all the things we're
doing. Oh, fantastic. And in themeantime, you're scrambling. And
you may be the passionate personthat's trying to really bring
some value to the company, butdo not do not even, you know, a
slant of well, this isn't reallyworking. And here's where we
(04:12):
have to change
Fortune (04:14):
it. And you're just set it right there. This is where
it's not working. And this iswhat we have to change. Right?
That's where we really have todive in deep. Yes. And see the
negativity as a plus. Okay, Isee what's not working, right.
That's a beautiful thing. I seewhy I'm sad. I see why I'm
(04:34):
angry. I need to figure out whatthat means and how I can change
and make that better. You know,let's
Jean (04:41):
spiritually mentally unhealthy to live in a constant
state of denial. So we're notachieving any level of
spirituality if we're alwaystrying to just put a bandaid on
it. And just just keep going.
Just don't don't acknowledgethat somebody is hurting, right.
Something's going wrong. It'sreally
Fortune (05:03):
you got to allow those natural emotions to surface and
play it out.
Jean (05:10):
Yeah. Yeah. Cuz because toxic positive when somebody's
being toxically positive. Okay.
Fortune (05:15):
Yeah, constantly telling you to, oh, what's gonna
get better? And, you know, thisis, you know, it's you got this.
You got this and all those Ibelieve in you. Oh, you've been
Jean (05:25):
through this before you'll get through it.
Fortune (05:27):
Right. Right, right, right. Right. Right. It's not so
bad. That's all better couldhave been worse. Think
Jean (05:32):
of all the things you have to be grateful for. Right? Yeah.
Now? Yes. I mean, we talkedabout all those principles.
Yeah. And we believe in them,but to just another way to put
it out? Well, that's what I callspiritual flashcards. It's just
like, if you're just sittingthere knowing just that's the
first thing that rolls off yourhead is this, it's this bullet
phrases, right? That just inserthere. And it doesn't solve
(05:53):
anything? Well,
Fortune (05:54):
well, okay. I suffer from toxic positivity. And I did
not realize this until I had acouple of things happen that
really had an awakening. Yes, Ihad an awakening. Okay. You
know, something happened. And Iwas like, Oh, well, you know,
there was a hurricane. And therewas things were destroyed. And
(06:17):
someone was very close to methat was very upset about it.
And I was like, Oh, it's achance to rebuild. came right
out of my mouth. Because, numberone, I'm a mom. And I think
sometimes when you're a mom, anda church was one of my children,
and you don't want them to hurt,so you want to put that bandaid
on, not realizing that I neededto just be compassionate and
(06:40):
comforting and supporting, whichI realized, and I did, but it
was it just automatically cameout of my mouth, a
Jean (06:48):
person displaying toxic positivity often is not in touch
with their own emotions. Right,exactly. That's what was
happening with me, or they'rebeing hard on themselves, or
they feel out of control, orthey want to help, but they
don't have the resources. Yes.
So in that state of, I don'tthink that a person can I don't
think that anybody who's beingtoxically positive, is
(07:09):
intentionally trying to nothelp. I think they're, they're
conscious overly they just wantit to be okay. Yes. But that's
almost a feeling of they havenot really explored what's going
on internally with themselves.
So if you can't deal with yourown emotions, that's
Fortune (07:26):
how are you going to definitely yes, definitely what
I was experiencing, and I thinkfrom someone on the other side,
giving the toxic positivity,that if someone can she could
share with me, or someone that'sdoing that share with them. Hey,
you know, I don't know if youmean it, but I kind of hurt me
what you said, you know, sharewith them, let them you know,
(07:47):
reveal it for them. You knowwhat I mean? Because I didn't
even realize what I was doing. Ithought I was doing a nice
thing,
Jean (07:53):
right? That's it was kind of like your way of coping, you
know, your way of coping throughthe situation. It's like, it's
going to be okay. It's almostlike, it's almost like a
pacifier or warm blanket. It'slike saying, if I just say this,
if I just keep saying thatinformation, spite, I keep
believing the affirmations. If Ikeep saying that spirituality
flashcard, it will be okay.
Right. But we're not in thepresent. Right. And also,
Fortune (08:17):
like, you know, my other daughter is saying, to me,
that's my belief system, thateverything happens for a reason.
But not everybody understands orsees your perception on things.
You know what I mean? So youhave to take that step back, you
have to pause, think about whatyou're gonna do, you have
Jean (08:32):
to take a proactive and realistic approach, it may all
be happening for a reason. Butthe reason may not be positive,
really on the surface, likemaybe something you have to get
through.
Fortune (08:42):
Yes, they have to mourn something. Or you could say
things like, Well, I'mlistening, I'm here no matter
what, whatever it is, you know,that must be really hard.
There's different responses thatwe could give, you know,
validate their feelings, whichis something that I'm learning
to do as well, where you know,because I, you know, I don't
(09:06):
want to come up with an excuse,but really from a person that
just doesn't want to seesomebody else suffer. Or like
you said, maybe it's making mesuffer, and I'm trying to cover
it up. Absolutely. I'm coveringup the pain, hurt people hurt
people. And yes, exactly. So wereally have to be conscious of
when we're doing that we'redoing it all day long, right?
(09:29):
And we don't realize so ifyou're in a relationship
Jean (09:31):
with someone, you're counting on them to support you.
Okay, you're counting on them torespect your boundaries, right?
You're counting on them to holdyour hand sometimes through your
pain, you're not asking them tosolve it. You know, which is a
big thing, like a person who'stoxically positive sometimes
puts on this like, well, it'sgonna be fine. Now let's, let's
(09:51):
get to that. Yes. Let's get tothe result.
Fortune (09:54):
Yes, and I'm guilty of this with you. Okay, we're gonna
get a little personal butdismiss it dismissed. seeing
others difficult feelings. Ihave done that. And that is
awful.
Jean (10:06):
I view my child, okay.
Fortune (10:08):
But okay, but it took a fight for us to get into a fight
and get and dig and really seewhy there was, you know, such
hurt feelings, you know, and Ididn't realize that that was
happening. So now I have toreally, again, be conscious, be
conscious of that because thenegativity is not always a bad
(10:29):
thing. What is the name of ourshow? circuitry circuitry, what
does circuitry encompassnegative positive? Coming
together using the restrictionto turn on the light?
Jean (10:43):
Why can I go off that when we were creating the website?
Fortune (10:47):
No, I'm just saying that so brilliant. No, but I'm
just saying you need to have thenegative to turn on the light.
It's not just positive, you needto have the negative combined
with the positive. Yes, with therestriction, right to find the
Jean (11:01):
light you just hit on something toxic positivity is
darkness. So when a person isgoing through darkness, and
you're trying to combat thedarkness with more darkness, you
You've not let the light in,right? You're never gonna have
it. Right. You're just you'rejust flicking off the switch.
Basically, you don't want to seetheir pain. You don't want to
(11:23):
know it. You're trying to getrid of it as quick as you can.
Oh, yeah. But it's it's you'renot giving. You're not what's
what are we always supposed togive human dignity, right? You
are not giving that personexcept any human dignity. And if
you are just trying to fix it.
What's the other thing you'rereceiving for the self along?
(11:44):
Right, right? Right. You are notwith that person. You're not
sharing? You are not there's noreal empathy, no real support.
There it is fake reassurance.
Fortune (11:55):
Absolutely. Oh, and I wasn't going to go there yet.
No, but fake. That's what it'sall about fake. I think toxic
positivity. Listen to this is amask? Yes. It's fake. Okay, we
have so much pressure in oursociety to look a certain way or
act a certain way. All thosethings. So we put on this fake
(12:19):
persona to do that. Yes. And Ithink that's where we fall into
the toxic positivity. Right? Youknow what I mean? Well,
Jean (12:27):
for a person who suffered from a chart, you know, like, we
were all a mirror for eachother, we're all in each other's
grape clusters. So that littlebig fight that we had, or that,
you know, whatever came toblows, that we had really kind
of just resolved this between usand kind of just put it out in
the open. So we could, but thankgoodness, no, no, I'm glad I'm
saying we had to acknowledge it.
But what I'm saying is, is thatwhat we found in that, and I'll
(12:49):
show my underwear a little bit,is that you were the trigger to
show me where I had to get ridof my own pain. Because I came
from a situation and I'm notgoing to name names, but it came
from a family member. One, andit also came from another
relationship, which is it justkept presenting myself, which is
(13:09):
I shouldn't be ashamed of mehaving real emotions or
feelings, or I, I shouldn't feellike I could express myself
because I'm just beingridiculous, right? Because that
person didn't want to deal withme, right? Just get just get on
with it. Right? Get past it.
Yeah, get past and get thisfeeling like you're not good
enough. You are just you can bethe most present as the most
(13:31):
competent person in the world.
But when you are constantlybeing told you're not good
enough, or I don't valueanything you're feeling, right.
So you kind of just feel like,well, you don't deserve love, or
compassion or empathy orsomebody shouldering it, what
are you? How about that?
Shouldering it with you, right?
I think you have to do ityourself. And if you're
Fortune (13:51):
sad or angry, there's your clue right there that
there's something that needs tochange, not in the other person
in yourself.
Jean (13:59):
Okay, you're subconsciously being told you're
just not trying hard enough allthe time. All the time all the
time, right, then that's a cluefor not just to say, okay, with
change the toxic, positiveperson, you need to work on
something in yourself. You needto be saying to yourself, well,
maybe I need to feel that painthat brought me here and maybe I
(14:21):
need to work through it and whyaren't I valuing myself and why
aren't I standing up for myselfin that situation? That that,
aren't you it wasn't an argumentfor me. I think it was our both
of our ways of trying to standup for our experience and work
through it and really supporteach other to get to some kind
of better union.
Fortune (14:40):
Yes, yes. And that's, you know, always Yeah,
communication, all those thingsmatter. And when you do treat
someone like that, they willshut down on you. They will shut
down on you. And that's it. You
Jean (14:53):
keep trying. They stopped trying to tell you right because
you're not listening. Yes, notyes, the person is toxic.
Fortune (14:59):
Yes, I know. I know I understand what you're saying,
you know, they just they will.
And then you don't know whyyou're like, what understand
what isn't, you know, what doesany want to talk to me? Or why
is that person ignoring me orwhatever? It's because you're
not using those the skills thatwe all have as a human to be
(15:20):
compassionate and accepting. Andall those things.
Jean (15:25):
Yes, well, I'm gonna go a little heavy here. There's a lot
of things that are out in theworld. One of one thing is and I
don't like to put labels onthings. But there's, there's a
word that's associated with acertain behavioral disorder. And
it is gaslighting. Yes. Andtoxic positivity can actually
(15:49):
kind of resemble that. Becauseyou if you are being tricked,
were tricked, and you'reconstantly questioning your own
reality, which is whatgaslighting is, right? If you're
constantly going to fromperception, why am I getting so
why does that person it's not abig deal to them. It's why is it
a big deal to me? Is it is am Imaking too much of a big deal
(16:10):
about this? Am I not? Why arethey just not even wanting to
hear my pain? Why are they notwanting to talk to me about
this? Why are they just tellingme to get over it? Right? I
guess there's something wrongwith me. There's something wrong
with me. I'm too sensitive. I'mtoo this I'm too that I need to
just shut up. Right. Wrong.
Wrong. But that is gaslighting,but
Fortune (16:32):
that's also ego within ourselves as well. You know, I
mean, because we have to say no,you have to value yourself and
say no, that is not the story.
Yes.
Jean (16:42):
But what I'm saying is when that is happening,
gaslighting is happening, ithappens sometimes so subtly in
the beginning, and I've beenthrough gaslighting, I've been
in a relationship with somebodywho had the skills down to
science. And you can be tryingto you keep trying to fix the
situation, keep trying to say,Well, what about this? And why
don't we try to talk this way?
And why don't we try and relateto each other that way, and let
(17:04):
me help you this way. Right? Andso you start giving more and
more and more and more and moreand more and more.
Fortune (17:10):
And you're burying the emotion that you're feeling
because you're just trying torun worse. Right? Exactly.
Jean (17:17):
And you're trying to get this person to listen to you and
to accept you and to be with youbecause you're going why? Why
don't we have these greatrelationships with everybody
else, but with this person. I'mlike jumping, I'm tumbling, I'm
doing cartwheels, everything,nothing. They're making you feel
like you're crazy. You're crazyfor feeling you're crazy. Right?
So it can be very mentallyunhealthy for both parties to be
(17:44):
not really last state ofbalance, right? Oh, yes.
Balance? Yes.
Fortune (17:49):
Well, that's what you know, consciousness is
everything, we have to be awake.
You can't just react, going todo that pause, remember, and
balance your reactions, withcare and thi love all those
things, you know, but, you know,I guess we get trapped sometimes
or tricked, like we said, youknow, into thinking one way,
change your perception and boom,you're out of jail, you're free.
(18:12):
You know, all you need to do ischange your perception of it.
You know what I mean? But youcan't when you're in it, you
can't see. You can't see becauseyou, you want it so bad. You
want it to work so bad. Or youwant to have that relationship
so bad that you don't see it.
Right. And that you believe
Jean (18:32):
I think that you know, just like I was expressing the
side of it, that is acceptancefrom the person who's
experiencing the toxicpositivity, you know, we'll we
have to have empathy towards theperson who's being toxic, toxic
positively, because they'redoing their their experience,
not the same thing as thegaslighting, but they're
experiencing the same thing. Ijust want to be accepted. I want
to feel connected to you, I wantto be the source of making this
(18:53):
better for you. I want to helpyou, but I
Fortune (18:56):
don't know how. Right.
And that's going back to being aparent, what I was saying like
what the kids, right, you know,like, I would want to fix it all
the time. And they say don'trescue a child from a skinned
knee. That's what that's allabout. You know what I mean?
It's okay for it not to be okay.
You know, all the time. We sayDon't cry, don't cry. No. Go
ahead and cry. Have your cry.
And now let's talk about it. Youknow what I mean? You have to
(19:18):
let them feel that emotion andsee where the pain is coming
from.
Jean (19:25):
Even with a child sit in the discomfort for a minute,
right? It's okay.
Fortune (19:29):
Yes, it's okay. Because you need to sit in it. You need
to the most shares
Jean (19:33):
are bad. They just are Yes. Yes. They just aren't. And
why are we as a culture soafraid of emotions?
Fortune (19:42):
I don't know. But like I've been a parent for 41 years,
and I'm just learning this now.
Yeah, okay. I'm just learningthis now. That it is so
important to just have adifferent perspective on it.
It's okay if they get upset.
It's okay if they get angry.
Find out why that's happening,and helping them to rescue
themselves. You know, it reallymakes a difference. And I think
(20:07):
for all the parents out there,it's something to really think
about. Well, you know, we'rewe're even
Jean (20:14):
even adults. Right, and we're delaying the real
transformation. Yes, that's whattoxic positivity and toxic
negativity does. It's too it'stoo polarized, there has to be
that central combat balance inthe middle circuitry. Yeah, you
really have to be saying, Okay,I'm not going to encourage you
(20:34):
to go to a darker place. I'm notgonna say oh, yeah, it's
terrible. Yeah. But I'm notgonna say, Oh, it's fine. You'll
get through it. You've beenthrough worse than this.
Fortune (20:44):
There is way of saying, you know, failure is a part of
life. I'm here for you. I'mlistening. Right, validate
whatever, right, exactly. You
Jean (20:51):
don't have to fix somebody else's problems. That's not why
we're here. No, but we are hereto love.
Fortune (20:57):
Yes, but we will we do like to fix other people's
problems. So it's something thatwe need to be conscious of that
we just need to be there tosupport and let them figure it
out. Right? Just Just let themfigure it out. Because that's
the only deal or it's a youknowledge meant you're
Jean (21:11):
you're feeling pain right now. Okay, if I came to you, and
my arm was broken, okay. And youcould see the bone sticking out
of my arm, would you just say,You know what happened back in
and wrap it up? You'll be fine.
You don't say that? Right? So ifsomebody's showing you where
they're hurt, or where they'reangry, or where they're
disappointed. It's just asimportant. Yes. To give them
(21:32):
that space to work through it.
To work through it or just feellike I'm not alone. somebody's
listening to me.
Fortune (21:41):
Yes. Oh, that's a big that's a big help. Well, that's
therapy. someone's listening tome.
Jean (21:45):
No, that's what Yeah,
Fortune (21:46):
I mean, that's what it's all about therapy is
someone listening to you,someone giving you support?
Someone helping you to diginside of yourself? To find out
because only you can healyourself? You know, therapists
are not healing mess
Jean (22:01):
Hain that's where the Okay, well, that's what we've
talked about this before. Ifyou're experiencing any kind of
pain or discomfort, what is thattelling you? That's, that's the
trigger. That's where you arelearning to be healed? You are
saying this is something okay.
That bothers me. Why why
Fortune (22:21):
now? Right? Right.
Right. Right. I'm having anxietyabout that I feel angry about
it. Right, sad, or any
Jean (22:27):
motive, or I shut down? Or I don't want to deal with it, or
I'm toxically positive about it.
What is it about that, thatmakes me not be balanced and
open and loving and empatheticand connected? Right? Oh, yeah.
You
Fortune (22:43):
feel very alone? Yes.
Right. Both parties? Absolutely.
Jean (22:48):
So it's something that goes on in our society. And it's
it's really harmful. So I guess,you know, I think the other
thing is that we don't realize,you know, we've been taught
spiritually that there's,there's actions. There's words
in their thoughts. Yes, and eachone of those has a butterfly
effect. Each one of those has aspark, that if you are not
(23:12):
keeping those, those thoughtswouldn't realize the power that
even a small action, a smallthought a small word can harm
hurt, yes, put off track. And wehave got to be conscious
conscious of every thing that wedo a bad word shouldn't be
(23:32):
coming out of our mouth. Andlack of a good word can
sometimes be a bad word.
Fortune (23:38):
Yes, speech is a big power that we have, you know,
and if you can't instantly thinkthese are all expressions
Jean (23:47):
of our physical self, again, we're in the physical
with those things. And that'swhere we lose, we lose sight
when we are so immersed in howwe are going to respond in a
physical instead of a spiritualway. When we are concentrating
on the body, it's spiritualsuicide.
Fortune (24:07):
Yes, but that's part of it to work through how to
concentrate on the body in a waythat is compassionate human
dignity, and so on and so forth.
It's kindness that they'rehaving. Yeah, they're having
Kindness week at school. Sowe're talking about kindness.
Okay. But kindness doesn'talways mean cheery, what it
means supportive. It means beingthere, it means if you, you
(24:29):
know, see somebody angry, try tounderstand, you know what I
mean? Well,
Jean (24:35):
it's also about honesty.
How about just some honestyHemanth I don't know how to make
this better for you. Butwhatever I can do. I'm here for
you. Right. Let me know. I willdo it. You know, I've just
listened to you. Or I'll justgive you a hug. Or
Fortune (24:53):
and sometimes, you know, redirection is necessary.
Oh, I'm sure need to pullsomebody out of their bed. Add
mood or whatever and dosomething fun or whatever. But
you know what it can workagainst? That's what we're
talking about right now, you'renot gonna work against the whole
situation. If you're not, ifthey're not feeling validated,
first validate them. Okay, thenyou can move on to cheering them
(25:16):
up, you know what I mean? Butfirst, they need to be
validated. First, they need toknow that what they're feeling
is okay.
Jean (25:23):
Well, I think I what I'm realizing is that people who are
exhibiting this toxic positivityare probably falling into a
couple of different categories.
But I think one of the, the onesthat we all need to be
empathetic about is if we'reexperiencing this is to first of
all validate your own self.
Okay, what you're experiencingIsrael, you're not crazy. And
(25:45):
also validate them. Because theyare doing this from some sort of
pain as well. So they're notacknowledging their own pain
somewhere. And they have learnedto just go past it. And that's
not good for them. Absolutely.
So if you really love somebody,and we should love everybody in
love are saying, share whenyou're feeling that, so when
(26:08):
somebody's showing that to you,that should be a light bulb
going off going? Wow, they mayseem okay. And they may seem
like they're always positive, orthey're always that, but there's
something wounded in them. Yes.
That may or may need somesupport. Right. And one
Fortune (26:26):
signal is rejecting when you see somebody that's
rejecting negativity or negativeemotions. Yes. You know what I
mean? They just can't, you know,it's doing that rejecting your
negative emotions is the worstthing that you can do for
yourself.
Jean (26:44):
What do we all say? How are you doing? I'm fine. I'm
fine. Doing good. Right?
Everything's great. Yeah. Aaronis good. And if you want us to
shame in everything's not good.
Everything's, it's okay. I'mhaving a little bit of a bad
day. You know, Jerry Seinfeld,that whole thing. stop and chat.
Nobody wants to. I say how youdoing? All I wanted to say is
(27:04):
good and keep walking. Right?
That is our society. Right? Wedon't want to hear that. Oh,
well, you're asking let me tellyou. I don't have time for this.
Nobody has time for each otheranymore.
Fortune (27:16):
Well, you don't want to be Yeah, it's it's a balancing
act. It's a balancing act. Youknow, I mean, because you also
don't want to be soaking upsomebody's bad energy with all
Jean (27:26):
Oh, no, you're definitely one that that's that's also
where you're bringing in. Youhave toxins that toxic energy
into your life. You don't wantto constantly be going okay,
well,
Fortune (27:36):
tell me all your all your problems. Right. Right.
Jean (27:39):
Give us give them to me.
I'll listen. Because that's,that's that's a whole other you
know, toxic behavior andsomebody where you just feel
like, I'll take it all on? Well,
Fortune (27:50):
that's when you need boundaries, because we were just
talking, I was just listeningabout Pisces and how that's what
they do. They were so open, theywant to listen to everybody's
problems, but they don't knowhow to put the boundaries. Yes.
So then they are overwhelmedwith all this negative energy.
And again, it's, you know, gottabe aware of it. You have to be
what, whether you're a Pisces ornot, you know, you have to be
(28:12):
aware of where your boundariesare. You know, and if it doesn't
feel good, why doesn't feelgood? You know what I mean?
Yeah. So And yep, stop rightthere. Yeah, I gotta go, you
know, and then say, Okay, thisis bothering me, for some reason
why, right? So important, soimportant to dig, gotta get out
(28:33):
your shovels and dig and findit, because it's gems, it's
diamonds. You know, that's whatyou have to mined for a diamond.
You know, I mean, you have todig? Well, I think
Jean (28:42):
also, you know, we're hitting on something here, which
is, you know, I was saying whatthing, then you contributed
this, and then we're like, we'regoing down a road here. And I
just said, why don't we havetime? Okay. And you're saying,
well, we need to take the timemight be a minor, right? But
that's not what our societytells us. Our society does not.
I mean, it's starting, there's agreat movement going on right
now people like really gettingto know and trying to be more
(29:05):
patches trying to be moreconscious. And that's amazing.
We didn't this is something sopowerful. It's but again, it has
that balance. Yes, it doesn'thave to balance. What I'm saying
is, we're taught, like, Ibrought up the corporate
environment we're taught to,especially in this country, we
are number one, we must succeed,you got to get out there, you
(29:26):
got to get this salary, you gotto have this house, you got to
have this. You got to have thekids look around race and you've
got to have them in soccer andbasketball in art class and
cheerleading, and whatever. Andyou've got to be cooking the
perfect dinner or, you know,having the perfect outfit. And
then the shoes that are sopopular where we are, it's all
about the physical and what itlooks like, right instead of how
(29:48):
you feel. Right? And we want itto look good, right? And so
that's that's social media,right? So we have toasts
everything it all looksbeautiful, and you're like
beautiful. My life is my life.
Isn't that good? Wow, well Whatcan I post that makes me look
that good? Right? Exactly. Andso you're being fake again,
there's the mask, right? Itisn't real, but it's a mask. It
isn't real. All this, all thisand we need to stop it. It's
(30:09):
just like, because the minutesout,
Fortune (30:12):
we need to stop it if we want to enjoy our life more.
And we want to contribute topeace and harmony, you know,
within ourselves and the world.
Jean (30:23):
Absolutely. Why? No, you're right. And I think that,
you know, Oh, I
Fortune (30:28):
love when you say I'm right. I'm teasing you, teasing
you.
Jean (30:36):
So, um, I think what we're getting at here is that there is
so much that we can do tosupport each other. In moments
that may seem kind of just dayto day nonsense. You know, just
whatever, like those flippantcomments of, you know, how you
(30:59):
doing? I'm not so good. Ah,you'll get over it, you're
strong, something like that.
It's, you have to kind
Fortune (31:06):
of Yeah, the bright side is not always the side that
you want to be on right now. Ifyou can't have
Jean (31:12):
that conversation with that person in that moment,
which I encourage you to do, bythe way, at another moment, if
it's not that moment, right? Youit's important to say, You know
what, that hurt me when you didthat, that you didn't care that
I was feeling bad? Or they wouldsay, Well, I absolutely cared?
Fortune (31:28):
It's it's all about the reaction. It's
Jean (31:29):
all about the reaction.
But it's, it can be really hardwhen you're experiencing it, or
when you're doing it to see
Fortune (31:38):
Oh, absolutely. I just explained to you how I went
through it, you know, and Iprobably still do it and don't
still don't see it. You knowwhat I mean? You have to keep
it's not something like, oh, oh,I saw that. Now, I don't do it
anymore. You know what I mean?
You have to be consciousconsciousness is everything. You
know, you have to do the pause.
And you have to invite in, youknow, get connected with your
(32:02):
higher self. And think aboutwhat you're saying and what
you're doing and go, Okay, Ineed to do the proactive action.
Now. I need to either apologizeor come up with a better
response. Right.
Jean (32:15):
But before you get to that, I think what we're talking
about here is you there is painthere there is trauma, there is
some type of boundary possiblythat needs to be established,
you have to figure out whyfirst, that's what the triggers
there for it. Some people justcan't go from. I experienced
this. And now I'm going tothat's, that's basically what
(32:36):
we're talking about here. Well,now just go do the proactive
action now go do this, and
Fortune (32:40):
you'll be fine. Well, no, you might not be fine. Well,
that's why I'm saying like whenI said what I said to my
daughter, you know, like, oh,well, it's chance to rebuild,
then I had to go back andapologize, because I really you
know how to say, I'm sorry, Ithat was so rude. You know, I
just I'm sorry, I just hurts mewhen I see you hurting. But, you
(33:02):
know, I know that you're goingto miss all that. And it's never
going to be there again. Andyou're what you're feeling and
and, you know, I'm with you, youknow if you need to talk about
it or whatever, but had to cuthad to take responsibility was
what I'm saying? For my action?
You know,
Jean (33:19):
right. Right. But I'm saying that what causes the
toxic positivity sometimes isthe not acknowledging your own
pain, right? Yes. So you youcaught the the effect it had on
her. I'm using that as anexample because you brought it
up, but But are youacknowledging why you did that?
And I'm not asking you to answerme right now. I'm just saying
that if anyone's listening tothis, yes, you can see that
(33:42):
you're doing it. But the nextstep is, it's not about after
you've kind of made the effortto let them know you're there
for them. It's time to also go,why am I doing that? Right? Why
did I have that knee jerkreaction to just make this all
okay, or why wasn't Icomfortable with their pain? Why
didn't I take two minutes tolisten, when they really needed
(34:04):
me at that moment? I love thatperson. Why didn't I do that?
Right? So that's you examining?
Not you, anybody but your ownpain? Yes. And going, you know,
this is something that I'm doingthis and this time, good. So it
takes time to get like you saythrough
Fortune (34:23):
the self reflection, and you have to really go there
and try to think, what are somethings? What does that mean? I
may
Jean (34:29):
be talking to a friend or a spiritual advisor or your
husband or spouse or whatever,yes, you know, someone you have
you trust, right? To just say,Hey, I'm doing this PR notices
about me. I think you'd besurprised at the answer. Yes.
And if you're experiencing it,I'm encouraging everybody to
have the courage or the strengthmaybe, or the, I guess, self
(34:54):
awareness, to say to the personthat your experience first
experience it in yourself likeI'm saying go dig around go.
Why? Why is this happening to mein my life where people aren't
saying, take responsibility? Whyis this happening? Why? What am
I doing? Or what did Iexperience that makes this a
pattern in myself? I need tochange that too. Right? And then
possibly the next step is beingvulnerable. And asking for help.
(35:19):
And saying, Listen, this ishurting me or this is whatever,
because that's really youvaluing yourself. Yes. So it's
an ROI for a reason. It is acultural thing right now.
Fortune (35:30):
And it's all about, you know, connecting to your higher
self to understand everythingabout yourself. We're so
complex, emotions can be socomplex. You know, I mean, you
can be feeling anxiety aboutwhat's happening tomorrow, but
at the same time, be excitedabout it. So you having a good
and a bad emotion that emotionscan be so complex? Yes, you
(35:52):
know, but the more that we sharewith each other, and the more
that we really work onourselves. Oh, my goodness,
there's so much more happiness.
Absolutely.
Jean (36:01):
Absolutely. So I would like to invite anybody out there
because like, we're really kindof just trying to get to know
who's listening. And we'rereally trying to build this kind
of community community, youknow, you can eat you know, just
just, we will not share it withthe public. If you don't want us
to, if you do want us to, we canuse it on a show. Send us a
letter, send us a message on oneof our social media platforms.
(36:23):
Let us know when you'veexperienced toxic positivity
from yourself or someone'ssomeone's is exhibiting those
behaviors towards you, and howit makes you feel or what the
situation was in. Or maybe youhave a point something we can
bring to other people and share.
Because that's
Fortune (36:37):
how we heal. That's absolutely each other. We heal
through each other.
Jean (36:41):
Absolutely. So can we agree right now that we've kind
of explored toxic pawns? Weunderstand toxic positive is a
mask. It's amazing. All right,well, we don't know what next
episode is going to be. So we'llkeep you posted. We'll probably
post it on social media, so keepan eye I love you.
Fortune (37:03):
If you enjoyed this episode, please follow like and
share this podcast.
Jean (37:07):
For more sparks of light, follow circuitry on social
media, look for the light bulband become a podcast subscriber
on our website for more podcastcontent.
Fortune (37:17):
We love hearing from you all. So share questions
story or a topic that we canexplore.
Jean (37:22):
Email us at fn J at Ignite circuitry.com. And don't forget
to ignite your life
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