June 18, 2025 • 47 mins
⚠️ Trigger Warning: This episode contains real, raw conversations about mental health, depression, and suicidal thoughts. If you are in crisis or need support, please contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988. You are not alone.
Episode 5: Emotionally Unstable But Make It Cute: Rejection, Burnout & My Spiral Era
This is a life update. I didn’t just lose a job. I lost the version of myself I built to survive.
When I got laid off, it wasn’t just my income that disappeared. It was my confidence. My identity. My mental health. My sense of control. Every job title, every career win, every “you’re killing it” LinkedIn comment I had built my worth around suddenly felt meaningless. And what was left? The quiet collapse nobody talks about. The mental health spiral you hide behind curated Instagram posts. The job search burnout that leaves you staring at rejection emails and ghosted interviews, while every well-meaning “you got this” starts to feel like pressure you can’t hold.
This isn’t my glow-up story. This is the messy, unfiltered middle. The part where you refresh your inbox 20 times a day, wondering if your résumé is cursed. The part where you stop reaching out because you don’t want to feel like a burden. The shame loop that eats at your self-worth while you keep applying to jobs that never reply.
In this episode of Clocked In, Checked Out, I get honest about post-layoff identity loss, job search anxiety, professional ghosting, LinkedIn comparison spirals, burnout, and the mental health cost of pretending you’re fine. And maybe — just maybe — why it’s okay to crack. Because if you never break open, how can anything new grow?
If you’ve been laid off, burned out from job hunting, stuck in career limbo, or whispered “what am I doing with my life” while doomscrolling at 2 AM… this episode is for you.
🍸 Cocktail of the Week: Simply Scotch
Because sometimes you don’t need extra ingredients — just something strong enough to sit with the weight.
Ingredients:
2 oz Scotch
Large ice cube (or whatever you’ve got)
Directions:
Pour. Sip slowly. Let the heaviness breathe.
Whether you’re barely holding it together or just need some emotional validation, I’m right there with you.
Follow for more chaos, layoff recovery stories, mental health honesty, career rejection therapy, and cocktail-fueled breakdowns:
Instagram: @ClockedInCheckedOutPod
TikTok: @ClockedInCheckedOutPod
Have your own layoff spiral, job search meltdown, or “I swear I’m fine” moment?
Slide into my DMs or email: ClockedInCheckedOutPod@gmail.com.
We just might read it on air (fake names, obviously).
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
This episode includes conversations about mental
health and suicide that may be difficult or triggering for some
listeners. Please listen with care if you
or someone you know is struggling, help is available.
Contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline AT988 or
visit 988lifeline.org for free, confidential support.
(00:20):
Hey everyone, you're listening to Clocked In checked out.
This is the podcast about careercurveballs, mental spirals, and
figuring out how to hold it together while absolutely
fucking falling for it. Like my life as I feel.
I'm Joseph Singh, your host, your unfiltered bestie, and your
emotional support water bottle. In podcast form, today's episode
(00:45):
is called Emotionally Unstable, But Make it Cute.
It's going to be about rejection, burnout, and pretty
much my spiral era the last few months.
Because in this episode I'm going to be real.
Trying to stay confident while I'm job hunting, losing my sense
of identity, questioning my relationships, and forcing
(01:06):
myself to get out of bed every fucking morning.
That's literally a full time jobon its own and there's literally
no PTO and NO4O1K to match. This episode is literally just
going to be me and my emotions. Before I get into the episode,
(01:27):
one of my friends said somethingto me that really stuck and
she's mentioned this to me a fewtimes.
She told me that there are threemost stressful things that you
can go through in life. First one is divorce, second one
is moving, and the third one is career changes.
And right now I'm literally in one of them.
(01:50):
This career shift, this layoff, this whole identity shake up is
honestly been one of the hardestemotional roller coasters I have
ever been on. I can't imagine what other
people are going through if they're dealing with all three
and I'm literally going to talk about it while sweating.
(02:13):
This isn't a glow up story. This is literally the sticky,
unfiltered middle part. I'm going to open up about my
own rejection season, the job search, ghosting, the days where
I'm crying while I'm scrolling. I rarely cry, but when I do it's
not really in front of anyone, and the moments where even my
(02:34):
thirst traps couldn't hide the fact that I wasn't OK.
I'm going to be sharing how I'vebeen navigating the dark fog,
why it's terrifying when people start noticing you're not
yourself, and how I'm leaning onmy friends, my family, and a few
stuck but still hot affirmations.
(02:54):
I need Noodle to write me my affirmations to get me through
it. 1 Scotch on the rocks at a time.
And Speaking of, this week's cocktail is going to be as
simple as I can fucking get because it's going to be just
like my emotional bandwidth. Right now we're keeping it real
with Scotch over ice. This was full, but before this
(03:17):
episode, I probably drank some of it.
There's going to be no fancy mixers, no complicated recipe.
Just something strong, straightforward and honest.
Because sometimes when life is this heavy, you don't need a
cocktail that tries to dress it up.
You need something that gets thejob done.
(03:39):
So whether you're spiraling withme or just here for validation
or something strong and let's get into this slightly unhinged
but very human episode. And if I'm being fully honest,
this whole thing has fucked withmy mental health more than I
have ever expected. I feel like I've been sitting in
(04:02):
a dark place for a while now. The kind of heaviness where you
wake up, you look in the mirror and barely recognize yourself.
My face looks tired, my energy feels off.
But a lot of people tell me, andthere are days where I don't
even feel like me anymore. There are literally days where I
(04:23):
wish I don't even get up some ofmy short crying because this is
how heavy it is. And if you're listening to this,
I hope you hear me with compassion.
This is not easy for me to share.
I know I may sound like I'm spiraling or being dramatic
(04:44):
because that's what these two buffoons would probably say who
are here watching me, but I needto be honest and I'm rarely
honest. No, I am honest with a lot of
people, but I'm rarely open about how I feel to a lot of
people and what's really going through my head.
(05:04):
I don't want anyone to judge me for saying this out loud, but if
you are, go on your merry way because I know the people who
are not going to be judging me are going to be here to stay.
That had a nice rhyme to it. Didn't even realize that this is
simply where I am right now. And if you ever, if you have
(05:24):
ever been here too, maybe this is going to help you feel a
little less alone. Maybe this is where I finally
welcome myself to the chaos versus someone who's sitting
next to me. You know, I've been told a lot
that like, I'm not very vulnerable and there are reasons
why I'm not vulnerable. It's because I've been hurt in
(05:46):
the past. So I am choosing to be
vulnerable today. I am.
I'm asking you to really listen,not just as your podcast host,
but that is human. Because I want you to get to
know the real me, not the one that, like Hannah, was able to
interview few episodes ago. But I want you to at least get
(06:07):
the parts that I usually keep hidden.
And trust me, this is harder forme than a third round interview
with a hiring manager who still uses the word synergy.
This is probably one of the mostdifficult things I have ever
done in my life. We talk so much about healing
arcs, glow ups and comebacks, but what about the in between?
(06:32):
What about what happens in the middle of all that stuff?
The weird, sticky, slightly depressing middle part no one
wants to post about? This is really where I am right
now. I want people to finally see the
version of me that I've spent years or even decades really
(06:57):
hiding. I've always been the person who
smiles, jokes, and deflects because that's safer than
admitting when I'm struggling. Vulnerability isn't something
that comes naturally to me. I really want people to finally
see the version of me that I've spent like years hiding, or even
(07:19):
decades. But truthfully carrying that
weight has been fucking exhausting.
Like really fucking exhausting. Pretending to be OK while, like,
quietly spiraling doesn't serve me, and it doesn't help anyone
else who's really going through it right now.
(07:41):
A lot of people have always asked and said, you're so good
at keeping it together. If you're able to do this,
you're able to do that right? But lately I've kind of just
been like pulling back the curtain.
I really can help someone else feel seen to and listen.
For a long time I used to believe that being vulnerable
(08:03):
meant being weak. Because I think culturally
that's what I was taught, That if I let people see my struggle,
they think less of me, or even feel sorry for me, or assume I
couldn't handle my own life. But what I've really learned is
that vulnerability isn't about weakness, it's about honesty.
(08:28):
And it actually has built me up a little bit when I'm open to
some of you guys. So uncomfortableness comes in.
It's way harder for me to say that I'm not OK than to pretend
I've got my life figured out. Because in my life right now, I
(08:49):
don't really feel like I have itfigured out.
And maybe if anyone is feeling this too, you know that you're
not alone. So there are a lot of people who
have been asking me how I've been like, feeling what my
emotional state has like, reallybeen like.
I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm fucking tired.
(09:10):
I'm fucking exhausted. I feel like everything's been
fucking rejecting me lately across the board,
professionally, personally, and emotionally.
I'm tired. I'm exhausted to the point where
I cannot even wake up anymore and girl it's giving full blown
rejection era. Not the sexy one with like a
(09:33):
plot twist. I'm talking spiral in shorts,
not getting out of bed, eating cold leftovers over the sink
while watching like fucking dragrace kind of rejection.
That's how tired I am. The truth is, I'm really feeling
down. Like really down, like just not
(09:55):
like a bad day kind of down, butlike fucking shitty down.
I'm showing up. Sure I'm functioning, but it
feels like I'm moving through emotional quicksand most of the
days. And like weirdly, weirdly
enough, I even hit a place whereI can't even fully cry.
It's so difficult for me to cry.I think because I've hit such a
(10:19):
wall of emotions, I just can't do it.
I feel numb. I've hit some wall in my brain
and my body just won't let me doit in front of a lot of people.
And honestly, that makes it evenheavier for me because sometimes
I feel like I can't even fully let myself go heavy and I don't
(10:42):
even know how to get out of it. And you know what?
I've realized that a lot of people are starting to notice.
Everyone's noticing. People have been texting me when
I'm not in class at the gym. They're literally like, why
aren't you here? Because they're so used to
seeing me there at like 9 fucking AM.
Some people have messaged me on Instagram and been like, you
(11:06):
don't look like yourself. And honestly, they're not wrong.
The filters are like no longer filtering.
When people start noticing something is off through
Instagram Stories, that's when, you know, my energy's been low.
I have someone who DM me who said, like, I look like dead in
the eyes. The other day when I was at my
(11:29):
family's house this weekend, oneof my cousins goes, you're not
yourself. Like, what's going on?
That's when I realized I have some things I need to like,
unpack and like, I need to sharewhat's going on.
The truth is I'm not OK. And there have been a lot of
(11:50):
things that have been triggeringme.
You know, like everything's beentriggering to me.
I wake up in the morning that's been triggering me.
My alarm clock's been triggeringme.
The fridge staying open is triggering me.
The water faucet dripping is triggering me.
There have been days that I literally just want to lay in
(12:10):
bed, and that happened the otherday.
What are I didn't even get up until 11 and didn't even go to
the gym which is like super rarefor me.
I'm usually there 2-3 hours a day.
I received a few text messages like where are you?
I'm like I just got up. I was literally in bed just like
(12:31):
scrolling through social media, going through everyone's wind
wins while my brain whispers like you're behind, you're not
doing enough, you're not good enough.
And that's all been because of like the job search that I've
(12:53):
been kind of doing. You're probably wondering how
the job search has kind of been like treating me.
It's been overwhelming. It's been exhausting.
It's been tiring. I've literally applied so many
fucking jobs. From tech to beauty to
healthcare to pharmaceuticals. I want to say at least 200 jobs.
(13:17):
I've gotten some great interviews and my resume is
starting to feel like an only fans profile.
Curated, desperate, and oddly professional.
And what do I get? Ghosted, ignored, left on red.
(13:37):
And I continue to just take those as like a form of
rejection. And that rejection is impacting
me emotionally. You know, like the other day I
read an article on Forbes. They mentioned that like 72% of
the people who are job seeking or job hunting after a layoff
has hurt their mental health. And like, I fucking believe
(13:58):
that. I never in my life thought I
would become a fucking statistic.
That was never my goal. But here I am.
And what I realize is that rejection doesn't just sting, it
fucking slow. Burns like hot sauce in places I
(14:19):
don't think that it should be, and it feels kind of shitty.
Every rejection e-mail that I'vereceived literally chips away at
something. I'm everyday I'm rewriting my
resume and I'm refreshing LinkedIn.
I'm literally on there refreshing nonstop, refreshing
(14:43):
my emails nonstop and I just feel like I get ghosted after
the first date pretty much or screening call.
And to be honest it's making me depressed.
Like actually depressed. There's Apple here not just
having a bad day, but heavier. This is a mix of like sadness,
(15:05):
frustration and anger that builds every time I open an
inbox and see another rejection or worse, nothing at all.
Or I see a spam e-mail and the longer it goes, the more it
chips away at my confidence. Am I really not that good enough
even though they say I'm qualified?
(15:26):
What am I doing wrong? It starts to feel really
personal when I know it isn't, but what I really hate is how
desperate it makes me feel sometimes.
I really don't want to be that person everyone associates with.
Like job searching. Like oh look there's Joseph
again, probably asking about a job or networking or another
(15:50):
intro. I fucking hate that feeling like
I'm a fucking Aquarius, like I can do things on my own.
I also don't like feeling like aburden to anyone, but it's this
weird shame loop. But then I'm like, I need help
but I don't want to like feel like I'm always asking and that
(16:11):
shame adds its own weight to everything that I'm already
caring. I also don't want to impact
anyone that I'm hanging out with.
I don't want to make them feel like, oh, I don't want to hang
out with Joseph because like Joseph's being emo.
I don't really think I've ever been an emo person.
(16:32):
You know, I usually just stay quiet when people talk.
And I just, like, silence myself.
And I pretend everything's fine.And this is where, like, I want
to talk about, like, the worst part of pretending is that
you're fine. I really built this entire
facade, this perfectly curated version of myself where everyone
(16:56):
always says, Joseph, you're so happy you have it all together.
Like, how do you balance this with that?
Like you have a good job, you have a great husband, you hang
out with all your friends. And after a while, you start
believing that's what you have to do.
So when I lost my job, when everything starts to fall apart,
(17:16):
I had to feel like I had to keepmy image going, like I couldn't
afford to fucking crack in frontof people.
And that was probably the one ofthe most toughest things I've
ever done because it was how I was raised.
I've always been taught to be strong, how to handle it, to
keep pushing, to keep smiling. Vulnerability wasn't something I
(17:40):
that was, like, modeled for me. Strength was so cracking feels
like failure. That's why I don't like to crack
in front of people. When someone asked me how I am,
I immediately shut down. Like, I'm great when someone's
like, are you OK? I'm like, yeah, I'm fine.
But the truth is we pretend because it feels safe, because
(18:01):
we don't want people to see the mess and it's very messy for me.
We don't want people to feel sorry for us.
We don't want to be that draining friend or that person
who always has bad news. We always tell ourselves
everyone's fucking busy. Everyone's dealing with
something. And so I like, put on a smile,
(18:24):
post Instagram pictures and I really act like everything's
fine. That's why I fucking forced
myself to go to the gym. I talk to people, I maintain my
day-to-day, but behind everything, it's heavy.
It's exhausting to keep putting on that mask and it's starting
to crack even though I don't want it to crack.
(18:48):
I don't want to show people, butI am cracking.
And today when I was like, in this dynamic stretch situation,
you know, someone said somethingto me.
The person who was like stretching me out said they just
felt like something was off withme.
And I started explaining stuff to them.
And I was like, you know, I don't want to crack.
(19:09):
And what they said to me, it's OK to crack.
How else would a chick reborn ifthe shell didn't crack?
That really fucking hit me because, yeah, it felt scary to
like finally open up. But maybe it's just the part of
breaking open of what's next. Sometimes I feel like I have to
(19:31):
let myself fall apart to let something in, and I'm trying to
remind myself of that right now.And that's not something that I
typically do. And me cracking has really been
affecting my personal life quitea bit because like, being
(19:52):
rejected, it's not only personal.
It's not only, excuse me, it's not only professional, it's also
personal too, You know, like I'min Group chats, but I feel like
it feels like an empty room thatI keep walking into hoping
someone's there or when someone doesn't text me back.
(20:13):
And when I'm drowning a little bit, it kind of feels like I'm
suffocating. I get it.
People are busy. But when you're low, silence
feels like a slap with no like, safe word.
That's probably the only sexual joke I'm going to make here.
You know, being laid off wasn't just a form of rejection for me.
(20:34):
Yes, it probably wasn't personal, but that's literally
how I fucking took it. And it's starting to bleed into
every aspect of my life. Everything I fucking do, I apply
to jobs, receive a generic sorrye-mail.
I take that as a form of reject.Someone saying something to me
(20:55):
that's supposed to be funny, I take that as a form of
rejection. Me being told at the gym to lift
heavier? I'm taking that as a form of I
can't do enough. Everywhere I go, all my friends,
all my bosses have always mentioned you're so hard on
yourself. Why?
(21:17):
I'm like, I don't know, I just feel like I'm not good enough.
This could be coming from childhood trauma where I've
always felt like I wasn't good enough, where I was like the
slightly fluffier kid. You know who, Oh, my conference
is like completely shocked. And I've spent like, years
(21:38):
building that confidence, like, ever since I was like, in my
childhood, like I even said earlier, like the way people
would make fun of me, the way that I look and stuff, you know.
Yeah, I wasn't the most attractive kid when I was
younger, so I think I'm good looking now.
Yeah, I think so. Like, you know, it's something I
still struggle with, you know, But all those little things have
(21:59):
like, really like, fucked with my confidence quite a bit, you
know. And yeah, the way I've been
feeling with the whole layoff, it fucked up my confidence.
It really did. And being rejected non-stop from
e-mail after e-mail after e-mail, you know, saying sorry,
(22:20):
we moved on with other candidates or something that
fucks with your confidence, you know, and I feel like I should
be like, be like, yeah, I'm, I'mfucking great, right?
But like, you're, it's your loss, not mine.
It's easier for someone to thinkthat way.
But like, I know what I can bring to the table.
When I got laid off, everyone literally was like, you'll find
(22:41):
something. I'd be like anyone who can take
you, anyone who will take you will like, what do you?
What's that saying? Like fuck, what's that saying?
Anyone would be lucky to have you, right?
Those things like keep you going, but at the same time
those things tear me down because I'm, I'm not no one's
(23:13):
hiring me. I'm interviewing non-stop.
There are hiring managers that like like me, right?
But then there are also like when I meet with their team, it
goes like left field and it's like, why?
You know, I know I'm a good interviewer.
(23:34):
I know what what I'm worth. On paper, I'm good.
In person, I'm good. You know me, I work really
fucking hard. I work really hard, right?
Like, but I don't know why this is happening.
(23:56):
I mean, 2025 has been a really fucking shitty year for me.
It has been very fucking shitty.I don't know why.
Like I'm not getting a a job andit's fucking with my confidence,
it's fucking with me mentally, it's fucking with me
(24:16):
emotionally. It's literally just like fucking
with me left, right, front, center.
And I don't know how to get out of it.
Yeah, I don't know how to get the fuck out of it.
So I've started isolating myselfbecause for me, it's like, not
(24:40):
about the drama, even though I can come across as being a
little dramatic, you know, it's not about the drama for me.
It's about distance. You know, it's about like
emotional distance. It's literally the kind when I
feel when I scroll through contracts.
But then like, I don't want to text anyone because I'm scared
of what they're going to think. Like Joseph's texting me, right?
(25:01):
Like, vulnerability feels like asking someone to spot you naked
under like a harsh light. And I don't want people to see
me naked front and center of everything.
So yeah, I have started isolating myself.
I think the part why I've started isolating myself is
(25:22):
because I don't want to feel like a burden on a lot of
people. I don't want to be that person
who's always fucking venting, who's always fucking like
struggling, who's always being like, oh, there goes Joseph
again. I have my own way of like
reaching out and so does everyone else.
(25:44):
I sometimes tend to pull back and it's not really intentional,
but I just get into my head so much that I start spiraling and
I start to like retreat rather than explaining what I'm
actually fucking feeling. Like, to be honest, I don't
(26:05):
think people are making me feel that way.
I think it's me feeling that way.
Like I don't think like, I mean,well, that's a, that's a tough
one, you know? Well, like people don't text
back or when people don't like text back like immediately or
like want to hang out or something, I start to think it's
(26:27):
me, right? So I don't, it's a bit of like
5050, right? But then I start getting into my
own head because I'm like, I want to text this person, but
then like or call this person. I don't really like a phone
calling person. I'm more like a texter or like
Facetimer. I just feel like no one wants to
do any of that because of everything I'm going through.
(26:50):
But is it you putting that on others, or is it them actually
acting differently towards you? Which part I think it depends.
(27:10):
I do feel like, you know, like some of like my friendships have
like shifted, not ended, just like drifted a little bit.
And I know it's not them becauseit's like been me because when
I'm like already starting to spiral, even the smallest change
in someone's tone or absence in like a group hangout can feel
(27:34):
like a confirmation. You're like way too much.
Many of my friends have like been keeping me afloat.
They try to Take Me Out of the house.
They come over, spend time with me because they know I'm in like
this deep hole that I've fallen in and I can't even get out of.
I have a friend who's constantlycoming over.
(27:54):
Yesterday, I had a friend who, like, took me out to like, the
fucking, like, Locust Street Fair was like, let's go out.
I have a friend who's like, messaging me, like, snap out of
it, get out of it. Like, you know, like, it's all
that stuff, right? But there are moments where I do
hesitate to reach out to a lot of people.
(28:16):
And I think that's the worst part, where I just stopped
reaching out. You know, I start convincing
myself that, like, people have their own lives.
They're doing their own things. They're hanging out with the old
people, Like they're hanging outwith their own people.
They don't want me. And I think I hesitate to reach
out because there's this fear ofme being too much and it's all
affected like my sense of identity, you know, I've always,
(28:42):
it's not only me. And I feel like this is a lot of
people. I feel like a lot of people have
paired their identity with theircareer.
Who am I? Like, if like, like who I am has
always been tied to like what I do, the title, the achievements,
(29:03):
the next promotion, the awards that I've won, the emo where
they're like, yeah, go Joseph. You know, it all became like how
I measured my worth. So when I lost my job, it didn't
only, like, mess with my fuckingincome.
It messed with who I am. I felt like suddenly I like
wasn't the person who had it allfigured out.
(29:27):
I wasn't the successful one anymore.
I wasn't the one who had a job. There wasn't who was getting
awards, right? And that shakes you in a way
that I didn't expect that it did.
I started questioning everything, my value, my
purpose, my direction. And I've shared this with a
couple of friends before, right?It's like everything that I've
(29:47):
built on this foundation of success and stability just got
pulled out from me. And I'm left with this like,
weird situation and this weird space of like, if I'm not this
job, who am I? And I really don't have a
fucking answer for that because that's what I'm trying to figure
(30:10):
out. And also at the same time, I'm
trying to remind myself my identity should not be tied to
my career, that my worth isn't just about like my LinkedIn
fucking title or my next job offer.
Like that's what I'm trying to like, really figure out.
(30:30):
I'm trying to believe that because I've spent my entire
life chasing titles, my accomplishments, because that's
how I was brought up, I have to separate myself worth from my
success. But that isn't the easiest.
And I'm still trying to figure out how it is.
(30:51):
But I'm also realizing somethingI've never really allowed myself
to do before. I do not want to be defined as
my job anymore. This was a big real like self
reflection moment for me. I want to be defined as like my
humor, my authentic self, something that makes me feel
alive, my kindness, my creativity, my resilience, my
(31:15):
designs, my empathy, my generosity.
I want people to see how I treatothers and what I stand for.
Not me being a director for something.
Me being a director, yeah, that is something I strive for
because being a director is a big fucking deal.
(31:37):
I've worked so hard to become a director, right?
But I think that's also the thing that's fucking with me the
most. Have I been applying for jobs
that are directors? Yeah, I've also been applying
for jobs that are senior managers.
Managers, Right. Because I'm trying to get my
(32:01):
foot back in the door. Like, I am willing to take a
step down or two just to make sure I have something that I can
look forward to everyday, you know?
And like, you know, I love what I do.
I enjoy every bit of it. Someone asked me to do you love
what you do? I was like, I love it.
(32:23):
I would do it over and over again.
I enjoy every aspect of my career, but it's not going to
define who I am moving forward. I think what lights me up, it's
not just what pays my bills, youknow?
And this is how I want people tolike define me as, you know, my
(32:45):
hobbies, the friendships I've built, the workouts that I do,
the creative projects, the random fucking things that make
me feel human because I have notfelt human in such a long time.
I want to be known for how far I've come, the successes that
(33:08):
I've had in the fashion industry, the beauty industry.
I mean, dressing Mel B Spice Girl, it's like for two years,
it's a big accomplishment. But I see that as such a small
thing in my life. I don't know why, right?
(33:29):
Like it's such it's a big deal to dress as Spice Girl.
If anyone here knows who a fucking Spice Girl is, right?
Like it's a big deal. And that was a full 360 for me
in my fashion career. I should be proud of what I did.
I should celebrate it. And Teresa also said to me
(33:52):
today, she goes, you don't celebrate yourself enough.
I'm like, I don't, I really don't.
The strength I've built, the fucking shit I've overcome, not
just where I work because guess what?
The last place I worked, it's going to be gone.
Like, it's literally a place on my resume.
(34:13):
That's what I mean by God. Like, I'm not there anymore, you
know? And ultimately, I want to be
remembered for the impact I've had on people's lives, you know,
for the way that I've shown up for people, how I made people
feel during the good times. I want people to know like, the
(34:36):
real me, not just the job title I happen to have for like, I
know, like, you're probably wondering, what do I feel like
I've like pretty much lost. You know, I was reading an
article by like Psychology Todayand they kind of said it best.
Like when you lose your job, you're not only losing like your
work, you lose your structure, you lose your purpose, you lose
(35:00):
your connection. And I really didn't realize how
much of myself worth was really tied to like my career or like
my LinkedIn headline when I didn't really have 1.
I feel like I've lost everythingwhen in reality, I just lost my
(35:22):
job. But I can't really seem to like
just like focus on that. It's been a bit of a, like a
domino effect, right? Like one thing that's like
leading to like another. I've lost like my motivation of
like going to the gym, lost my motivation of doing other
(35:44):
things. I've lost my happiness losing
relationships because like of how deep I'm like really like
feeling and like people are really starting to see through
my mask heavy and like I feel like a big weight has been put
(36:08):
on my shoulders, right? There's like a ton of bricks on
there and I don't know how to breakthrough that.
I try to smile, I try to be happy, I try to make it look
like nothing is wrong, but it's like so difficult for me.
I laugh, but there's no like happiness behind it.
(36:29):
I just can't figure out to like be myself.
So like, there are a lot of things I'm questioning about
myself. This isn't just about like
career loss. It's literally like an identity
loss. Who am I when I'm not like
achieving, when I'm not producing, when I'm not
(36:51):
succeeding. It's like someone pulled the
plug on my life aesthetic and now I'm just consistently
buffering and trying to like restart myself.
And that's, it's hard for me to do and that's very difficult for
me to do. But there are a lot of people
(37:13):
who are kind of getting me through this.
They're my friends, my family, my spouse.
They're all the ones that are like really saving me right now.
A lot of people are checking in.Where are you?
What's going on? What's going through their head?
What's going through your head? They're texting, they're
calling, they're sitting with meand letting me like talk about
(37:37):
my feelings. It's very unglamorous, like a
version of like Love Island, butlike everyone's like emotionally
available. So I'm always really trying to
keep myself moving. My alarm goes off at like 5.
AMI try to get up. Force myself to go to the gym.
(37:59):
Not because I feel motivated, but because I know that
endorphins are cheaper than likefucking therapy.
I'm already paying for the gym, I'm not trying to pay for
therapy. I have friends who are checking
up on me consistently when I'm not at the gym and apparently it
causes a fucking frenzy when I don't show up to class or I'm
(38:23):
not there. Some days I just walk on the
treadmill for 30 minutes and that's a big accomplishment for
me. Some days I'll just check in at
the gym and I'm like, I'm here. But that's not to say that my
mind is calm because it's still spinning and it's going in
circles non-stop. A lot of people just don't see
(38:46):
it or I think people won't. People on my network have been
so kind to me the last like few months.
And that's one thing I'm so grateful for, right?
Like they've given me referrals,job leads, they've given me pep
talks. And that's something I'm like
(39:06):
really grateful for. But it doesn't stop like the fog
that's in my head. It doesn't pull me out of the
dark place because I'm in this like deep dark hole that I
cannot seem to get myself out of.
I still wake up and I have to, like, fight to get myself out of
(39:29):
bed because I know and I understand that there are people
who still care about me. There's something I read by like
Lindsay Weedston that said something that stuck with me.
You don't need to fix yourself. You just need to maintain
yourself. You need to maintain what you
(39:51):
have, right? And that's what I'm trying to
do. It's like doing the small things
that make me really feel like capable.
Some days for me, that's me making the bed while playing
Spice Girls. To be honest, any Gen.
ZS that are listening, they probably don't even know what
the fucking Spice Girls are, butI do.
So that's all that matters. That's kind of what I'm kind of
(40:15):
like dealing with. You know, there are things that
keep me a little bit grounded, right?
Like I have jokes. Right, I'll say it, but I'll
also say in my head, sometimes you're a failure.
But then I'll like look at myself in the mirror and kind of
just be like, you're like a handsome little failure, right?
(40:38):
Like you've still got it, but like it's not, it's not fully
there, but it's there, right? Like your hair is thinning, but
you're still kind of cute, right?
Like that's where my stuck but still hot affirmations kind of
like fucking come in and like I'm not emotionally OK right
now, you know, because this isn't a glow up story yet.
(41:01):
This is me surviving day-to-day.And like I'm consistently
thinking about like what's next.And the truth is I don't really
know what's next. I wish I had like some like big
plan or like a neat like little list of goals to share, what to
sit with that uncertainty. But I know that like as I
(41:22):
continue this podcast, I'll havea lot of people on me who are a
lot of people with me who are consistently motivating me.
And I'm talking about it, talking about our issues,
talking about motivation, talking about what what keeps
people going. And I know we're all going to be
sitting in this like mess together, but I think this is my
(41:42):
creative outlet a little bit. This is something that's keeping
me going right now. I don't have like, a boat to
like, wrap this up with, right? Like, because I'm at a, because
I'm at a standstill. I'm still trying to figure this
(42:04):
out. I hope that anyone who's like
listening to this, you know, youtake away one thing, whatever
you're feeling right now, it's OK.
The fear, the anger, the sadness, the numbness, it's all
valid. And I'm literally trying to like
(42:24):
believe that as I continue to go.
I don't know where this podcast is going to go.
I don't know where my life is going to go.
And I'm hoping that I can get out of this deep dark hole
because the last time I've been in this position was probably 3
(42:46):
1/2 years ago where I felt shitty.
Where I was in a dark spot because someone said something
to me. And I'm not going to sure what
they said. Where they made me feel like
shit. They made me feel like crap.
They made me feel like I wasn't worth it.
And there are days where I don'tfeel like I'm worth it.
(43:11):
But then I have people like you and people like my friends and
family who like, keep me going. Try not to cry on camera.
You know what I've realized? It's it's OK not to be OK.
(43:40):
It's OK to let it out. It's OK to crack, it's OK to
break. I don't always have to be this
tough human being that like I try to make myself to be.
But I do know that there is hope, that there is like a light
(44:07):
at the end of the tunnel for me.I really don't know why I feel
the way I do. I think because I've never been
placed in this position before. I'm usually so good at fucking
handling life, figuring things out.
You know Joey will always figureit out, right?
I sometimes just wish I was a 12year old kid again.
(44:30):
Listening to Spice Girls, playing with my Spice Girls
dolls, having people make fun ofme because I feel like that was
like the easier way out for me. But as you grow older, you kind
of have to figure shit out on yourself.
And I think that's like the hardest part for me, figuring it
(44:50):
out, knowing what's next. Right.
Yeah, it's only been 3 1/2 months.
Some people are like, it's just been 3 1/2 months.
Like, you're good. But I don't think people
understand the the toll that it takes on someone when it's been
this long. For me, it seems like it's been
a fucking decade. I've never in my life been
(45:12):
without a job longer than like 2days.
You know? That's the thing.
So like, I do hope that people listen to this and they
understand that they're not alone, that it's OK to be where
(45:34):
you're at. And if everything I said to them
has made them feel seen, you know, if they've ever felt like,
if you've ever felt like you've kind of like spiralled, you
know, and if you just whispered same under your breath at any
point, you know, like just know you're not alone.
(45:57):
If you need help, ask for help. And I think that's what I've
been doing a lot lately, you know, and send this to anyone
who you feel like, who needs support, who needs help.
You never know who. I don't want this to seem like a
sad episode, but I do want people to understand how I'm
(46:20):
feeling and what I'm going through.
If this like, you know, like if everything I said to you guys
resonated, you know, DM me. I want to hear your story
because the next arc that we're going to talk about is going to
be about mental health because it's a serious topic.
If you feel like anyone who is going through the same thing
that I'm going through, DM me. You know, unclocked and checked
(46:44):
out pod. If you have a story or if you
want someone to share something or someone who needs emotional
support, that's stronger than a morning fucking coffee because
we know that shit fades out realquick.
Hit play and if you have something to chat about or just
need a year to listen to, e-mailme at
(47:07):
clockedandcheckedoutpod@gmail.comor just put into my DMS clocked
and checked out pod. I'm Joseph Singh, still
spiralling, still surviving, still kind of cute, and I hope
(47:30):
everyone out there can relate tome.
Until next time, guys. See you guys next week.
Bye. Cheers.
This episode includes conversations about mental
health and suicide that may be difficult or triggering for some
listeners. Please listen with care if you
or someone you know is struggling, help is available.
Contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline AT988 or
visit 988lifeline.org for free, confidential support.
(00:20):
Hey everyone, you're listening to Clocked In checked out.
This is the podcast about careercurveballs, mental spirals, and
figuring out how to hold it together while absolutely
fucking falling for it. Like my life as I feel.
I'm Joseph Singh, your host, your unfiltered bestie, and your
emotional support water bottle. In podcast form, today's episode
(00:45):
is called Emotionally Unstable, But Make it Cute.
It's going to be about rejection, burnout, and pretty
much my spiral era the last few months.
Because in this episode I'm going to be real.
Trying to stay confident while I'm job hunting, losing my sense
of identity, questioning my relationships, and forcing
(01:06):
myself to get out of bed every fucking morning.
That's literally a full time jobon its own and there's literally
no PTO and NO4O1K to match. This episode is literally just
going to be me and my emotions. Before I get into the episode,
(01:27):
one of my friends said somethingto me that really stuck and
she's mentioned this to me a fewtimes.
She told me that there are threemost stressful things that you
can go through in life. First one is divorce, second one
is moving, and the third one is career changes.
And right now I'm literally in one of them.
(01:50):
This career shift, this layoff, this whole identity shake up is
honestly been one of the hardestemotional roller coasters I have
ever been on. I can't imagine what other
people are going through if they're dealing with all three
and I'm literally going to talk about it while sweating.
(02:13):
This isn't a glow up story. This is literally the sticky,
unfiltered middle part. I'm going to open up about my
own rejection season, the job search, ghosting, the days where
I'm crying while I'm scrolling. I rarely cry, but when I do it's
not really in front of anyone, and the moments where even my
(02:34):
thirst traps couldn't hide the fact that I wasn't OK.
I'm going to be sharing how I'vebeen navigating the dark fog,
why it's terrifying when people start noticing you're not
yourself, and how I'm leaning onmy friends, my family, and a few
stuck but still hot affirmations.
(02:54):
I need Noodle to write me my affirmations to get me through
it. 1 Scotch on the rocks at a time.
And Speaking of, this week's cocktail is going to be as
simple as I can fucking get because it's going to be just
like my emotional bandwidth. Right now we're keeping it real
with Scotch over ice. This was full, but before this
(03:17):
episode, I probably drank some of it.
There's going to be no fancy mixers, no complicated recipe.
Just something strong, straightforward and honest.
Because sometimes when life is this heavy, you don't need a
cocktail that tries to dress it up.
You need something that gets thejob done.
(03:39):
So whether you're spiraling withme or just here for validation
or something strong and let's get into this slightly unhinged
but very human episode. And if I'm being fully honest,
this whole thing has fucked withmy mental health more than I
have ever expected. I feel like I've been sitting in
(04:02):
a dark place for a while now. The kind of heaviness where you
wake up, you look in the mirror and barely recognize yourself.
My face looks tired, my energy feels off.
But a lot of people tell me, andthere are days where I don't
even feel like me anymore. There are literally days where I
(04:23):
wish I don't even get up some ofmy short crying because this is
how heavy it is. And if you're listening to this,
I hope you hear me with compassion.
This is not easy for me to share.
I know I may sound like I'm spiraling or being dramatic
(04:44):
because that's what these two buffoons would probably say who
are here watching me, but I needto be honest and I'm rarely
honest. No, I am honest with a lot of
people, but I'm rarely open about how I feel to a lot of
people and what's really going through my head.
(05:04):
I don't want anyone to judge me for saying this out loud, but if
you are, go on your merry way because I know the people who
are not going to be judging me are going to be here to stay.
That had a nice rhyme to it. Didn't even realize that this is
simply where I am right now. And if you ever, if you have
(05:24):
ever been here too, maybe this is going to help you feel a
little less alone. Maybe this is where I finally
welcome myself to the chaos versus someone who's sitting
next to me. You know, I've been told a lot
that like, I'm not very vulnerable and there are reasons
why I'm not vulnerable. It's because I've been hurt in
(05:46):
the past. So I am choosing to be
vulnerable today. I am.
I'm asking you to really listen,not just as your podcast host,
but that is human. Because I want you to get to
know the real me, not the one that, like Hannah, was able to
interview few episodes ago. But I want you to at least get
(06:07):
the parts that I usually keep hidden.
And trust me, this is harder forme than a third round interview
with a hiring manager who still uses the word synergy.
This is probably one of the mostdifficult things I have ever
done in my life. We talk so much about healing
arcs, glow ups and comebacks, but what about the in between?
(06:32):
What about what happens in the middle of all that stuff?
The weird, sticky, slightly depressing middle part no one
wants to post about? This is really where I am right
now. I want people to finally see the
version of me that I've spent years or even decades really
(06:57):
hiding. I've always been the person who
smiles, jokes, and deflects because that's safer than
admitting when I'm struggling. Vulnerability isn't something
that comes naturally to me. I really want people to finally
see the version of me that I've spent like years hiding, or even
(07:19):
decades. But truthfully carrying that
weight has been fucking exhausting.
Like really fucking exhausting. Pretending to be OK while, like,
quietly spiraling doesn't serve me, and it doesn't help anyone
else who's really going through it right now.
(07:41):
A lot of people have always asked and said, you're so good
at keeping it together. If you're able to do this,
you're able to do that right? But lately I've kind of just
been like pulling back the curtain.
I really can help someone else feel seen to and listen.
For a long time I used to believe that being vulnerable
(08:03):
meant being weak. Because I think culturally
that's what I was taught, That if I let people see my struggle,
they think less of me, or even feel sorry for me, or assume I
couldn't handle my own life. But what I've really learned is
that vulnerability isn't about weakness, it's about honesty.
(08:28):
And it actually has built me up a little bit when I'm open to
some of you guys. So uncomfortableness comes in.
It's way harder for me to say that I'm not OK than to pretend
I've got my life figured out. Because in my life right now, I
(08:49):
don't really feel like I have itfigured out.
And maybe if anyone is feeling this too, you know that you're
not alone. So there are a lot of people who
have been asking me how I've been like, feeling what my
emotional state has like, reallybeen like.
I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm fucking tired.
(09:10):
I'm fucking exhausted. I feel like everything's been
fucking rejecting me lately across the board,
professionally, personally, and emotionally.
I'm tired. I'm exhausted to the point where
I cannot even wake up anymore and girl it's giving full blown
rejection era. Not the sexy one with like a
(09:33):
plot twist. I'm talking spiral in shorts,
not getting out of bed, eating cold leftovers over the sink
while watching like fucking dragrace kind of rejection.
That's how tired I am. The truth is, I'm really feeling
down. Like really down, like just not
(09:55):
like a bad day kind of down, butlike fucking shitty down.
I'm showing up. Sure I'm functioning, but it
feels like I'm moving through emotional quicksand most of the
days. And like weirdly, weirdly
enough, I even hit a place whereI can't even fully cry.
It's so difficult for me to cry.I think because I've hit such a
(10:19):
wall of emotions, I just can't do it.
I feel numb. I've hit some wall in my brain
and my body just won't let me doit in front of a lot of people.
And honestly, that makes it evenheavier for me because sometimes
I feel like I can't even fully let myself go heavy and I don't
(10:42):
even know how to get out of it. And you know what?
I've realized that a lot of people are starting to notice.
Everyone's noticing. People have been texting me when
I'm not in class at the gym. They're literally like, why
aren't you here? Because they're so used to
seeing me there at like 9 fucking AM.
Some people have messaged me on Instagram and been like, you
(11:06):
don't look like yourself. And honestly, they're not wrong.
The filters are like no longer filtering.
When people start noticing something is off through
Instagram Stories, that's when, you know, my energy's been low.
I have someone who DM me who said, like, I look like dead in
the eyes. The other day when I was at my
(11:29):
family's house this weekend, oneof my cousins goes, you're not
yourself. Like, what's going on?
That's when I realized I have some things I need to like,
unpack and like, I need to sharewhat's going on.
The truth is I'm not OK. And there have been a lot of
(11:50):
things that have been triggeringme.
You know, like everything's beentriggering to me.
I wake up in the morning that's been triggering me.
My alarm clock's been triggeringme.
The fridge staying open is triggering me.
The water faucet dripping is triggering me.
There have been days that I literally just want to lay in
(12:10):
bed, and that happened the otherday.
What are I didn't even get up until 11 and didn't even go to
the gym which is like super rarefor me.
I'm usually there 2-3 hours a day.
I received a few text messages like where are you?
I'm like I just got up. I was literally in bed just like
(12:31):
scrolling through social media, going through everyone's wind
wins while my brain whispers like you're behind, you're not
doing enough, you're not good enough.
And that's all been because of like the job search that I've
(12:53):
been kind of doing. You're probably wondering how
the job search has kind of been like treating me.
It's been overwhelming. It's been exhausting.
It's been tiring. I've literally applied so many
fucking jobs. From tech to beauty to
healthcare to pharmaceuticals. I want to say at least 200 jobs.
(13:17):
I've gotten some great interviews and my resume is
starting to feel like an only fans profile.
Curated, desperate, and oddly professional.
And what do I get? Ghosted, ignored, left on red.
(13:37):
And I continue to just take those as like a form of
rejection. And that rejection is impacting
me emotionally. You know, like the other day I
read an article on Forbes. They mentioned that like 72% of
the people who are job seeking or job hunting after a layoff
has hurt their mental health. And like, I fucking believe
(13:58):
that. I never in my life thought I
would become a fucking statistic.
That was never my goal. But here I am.
And what I realize is that rejection doesn't just sting, it
fucking slow. Burns like hot sauce in places I
(14:19):
don't think that it should be, and it feels kind of shitty.
Every rejection e-mail that I'vereceived literally chips away at
something. I'm everyday I'm rewriting my
resume and I'm refreshing LinkedIn.
I'm literally on there refreshing nonstop, refreshing
(14:43):
my emails nonstop and I just feel like I get ghosted after
the first date pretty much or screening call.
And to be honest it's making me depressed.
Like actually depressed. There's Apple here not just
having a bad day, but heavier. This is a mix of like sadness,
(15:05):
frustration and anger that builds every time I open an
inbox and see another rejection or worse, nothing at all.
Or I see a spam e-mail and the longer it goes, the more it
chips away at my confidence. Am I really not that good enough
even though they say I'm qualified?
(15:26):
What am I doing wrong? It starts to feel really
personal when I know it isn't, but what I really hate is how
desperate it makes me feel sometimes.
I really don't want to be that person everyone associates with.
Like job searching. Like oh look there's Joseph
again, probably asking about a job or networking or another
(15:50):
intro. I fucking hate that feeling like
I'm a fucking Aquarius, like I can do things on my own.
I also don't like feeling like aburden to anyone, but it's this
weird shame loop. But then I'm like, I need help
but I don't want to like feel like I'm always asking and that
(16:11):
shame adds its own weight to everything that I'm already
caring. I also don't want to impact
anyone that I'm hanging out with.
I don't want to make them feel like, oh, I don't want to hang
out with Joseph because like Joseph's being emo.
I don't really think I've ever been an emo person.
(16:32):
You know, I usually just stay quiet when people talk.
And I just, like, silence myself.
And I pretend everything's fine.And this is where, like, I want
to talk about, like, the worst part of pretending is that
you're fine. I really built this entire
facade, this perfectly curated version of myself where everyone
(16:56):
always says, Joseph, you're so happy you have it all together.
Like, how do you balance this with that?
Like you have a good job, you have a great husband, you hang
out with all your friends. And after a while, you start
believing that's what you have to do.
So when I lost my job, when everything starts to fall apart,
(17:16):
I had to feel like I had to keepmy image going, like I couldn't
afford to fucking crack in frontof people.
And that was probably the one ofthe most toughest things I've
ever done because it was how I was raised.
I've always been taught to be strong, how to handle it, to
keep pushing, to keep smiling. Vulnerability wasn't something I
(17:40):
that was, like, modeled for me. Strength was so cracking feels
like failure. That's why I don't like to crack
in front of people. When someone asked me how I am,
I immediately shut down. Like, I'm great when someone's
like, are you OK? I'm like, yeah, I'm fine.
But the truth is we pretend because it feels safe, because
(18:01):
we don't want people to see the mess and it's very messy for me.
We don't want people to feel sorry for us.
We don't want to be that draining friend or that person
who always has bad news. We always tell ourselves
everyone's fucking busy. Everyone's dealing with
something. And so I like, put on a smile,
(18:24):
post Instagram pictures and I really act like everything's
fine. That's why I fucking forced
myself to go to the gym. I talk to people, I maintain my
day-to-day, but behind everything, it's heavy.
It's exhausting to keep putting on that mask and it's starting
to crack even though I don't want it to crack.
(18:48):
I don't want to show people, butI am cracking.
And today when I was like, in this dynamic stretch situation,
you know, someone said somethingto me.
The person who was like stretching me out said they just
felt like something was off withme.
And I started explaining stuff to them.
And I was like, you know, I don't want to crack.
(19:09):
And what they said to me, it's OK to crack.
How else would a chick reborn ifthe shell didn't crack?
That really fucking hit me because, yeah, it felt scary to
like finally open up. But maybe it's just the part of
breaking open of what's next. Sometimes I feel like I have to
(19:31):
let myself fall apart to let something in, and I'm trying to
remind myself of that right now.And that's not something that I
typically do. And me cracking has really been
affecting my personal life quitea bit because like, being
(19:52):
rejected, it's not only personal.
It's not only, excuse me, it's not only professional, it's also
personal too, You know, like I'min Group chats, but I feel like
it feels like an empty room thatI keep walking into hoping
someone's there or when someone doesn't text me back.
(20:13):
And when I'm drowning a little bit, it kind of feels like I'm
suffocating. I get it.
People are busy. But when you're low, silence
feels like a slap with no like, safe word.
That's probably the only sexual joke I'm going to make here.
You know, being laid off wasn't just a form of rejection for me.
(20:34):
Yes, it probably wasn't personal, but that's literally
how I fucking took it. And it's starting to bleed into
every aspect of my life. Everything I fucking do, I apply
to jobs, receive a generic sorrye-mail.
I take that as a form of reject.Someone saying something to me
(20:55):
that's supposed to be funny, I take that as a form of
rejection. Me being told at the gym to lift
heavier? I'm taking that as a form of I
can't do enough. Everywhere I go, all my friends,
all my bosses have always mentioned you're so hard on
yourself. Why?
(21:17):
I'm like, I don't know, I just feel like I'm not good enough.
This could be coming from childhood trauma where I've
always felt like I wasn't good enough, where I was like the
slightly fluffier kid. You know who, Oh, my conference
is like completely shocked. And I've spent like, years
(21:38):
building that confidence, like, ever since I was like, in my
childhood, like I even said earlier, like the way people
would make fun of me, the way that I look and stuff, you know.
Yeah, I wasn't the most attractive kid when I was
younger, so I think I'm good looking now.
Yeah, I think so. Like, you know, it's something I
still struggle with, you know, But all those little things have
(21:59):
like, really like, fucked with my confidence quite a bit, you
know. And yeah, the way I've been
feeling with the whole layoff, it fucked up my confidence.
It really did. And being rejected non-stop from
e-mail after e-mail after e-mail, you know, saying sorry,
(22:20):
we moved on with other candidates or something that
fucks with your confidence, you know, and I feel like I should
be like, be like, yeah, I'm, I'mfucking great, right?
But like, you're, it's your loss, not mine.
It's easier for someone to thinkthat way.
But like, I know what I can bring to the table.
When I got laid off, everyone literally was like, you'll find
(22:41):
something. I'd be like anyone who can take
you, anyone who will take you will like, what do you?
What's that saying? Like fuck, what's that saying?
Anyone would be lucky to have you, right?
Those things like keep you going, but at the same time
those things tear me down because I'm, I'm not no one's
(23:13):
hiring me. I'm interviewing non-stop.
There are hiring managers that like like me, right?
But then there are also like when I meet with their team, it
goes like left field and it's like, why?
You know, I know I'm a good interviewer.
(23:34):
I know what what I'm worth. On paper, I'm good.
In person, I'm good. You know me, I work really
fucking hard. I work really hard, right?
Like, but I don't know why this is happening.
(23:56):
I mean, 2025 has been a really fucking shitty year for me.
It has been very fucking shitty.I don't know why.
Like I'm not getting a a job andit's fucking with my confidence,
it's fucking with me mentally, it's fucking with me
(24:16):
emotionally. It's literally just like fucking
with me left, right, front, center.
And I don't know how to get out of it.
Yeah, I don't know how to get the fuck out of it.
So I've started isolating myselfbecause for me, it's like, not
(24:40):
about the drama, even though I can come across as being a
little dramatic, you know, it's not about the drama for me.
It's about distance. You know, it's about like
emotional distance. It's literally the kind when I
feel when I scroll through contracts.
But then like, I don't want to text anyone because I'm scared
of what they're going to think. Like Joseph's texting me, right?
(25:01):
Like, vulnerability feels like asking someone to spot you naked
under like a harsh light. And I don't want people to see
me naked front and center of everything.
So yeah, I have started isolating myself.
I think the part why I've started isolating myself is
(25:22):
because I don't want to feel like a burden on a lot of
people. I don't want to be that person
who's always fucking venting, who's always fucking like
struggling, who's always being like, oh, there goes Joseph
again. I have my own way of like
reaching out and so does everyone else.
(25:44):
I sometimes tend to pull back and it's not really intentional,
but I just get into my head so much that I start spiraling and
I start to like retreat rather than explaining what I'm
actually fucking feeling. Like, to be honest, I don't
(26:05):
think people are making me feel that way.
I think it's me feeling that way.
Like I don't think like, I mean,well, that's a, that's a tough
one, you know? Well, like people don't text
back or when people don't like text back like immediately or
like want to hang out or something, I start to think it's
(26:27):
me, right? So I don't, it's a bit of like
5050, right? But then I start getting into my
own head because I'm like, I want to text this person, but
then like or call this person. I don't really like a phone
calling person. I'm more like a texter or like
Facetimer. I just feel like no one wants to
do any of that because of everything I'm going through.
(26:50):
But is it you putting that on others, or is it them actually
acting differently towards you? Which part I think it depends.
(27:10):
I do feel like, you know, like some of like my friendships have
like shifted, not ended, just like drifted a little bit.
And I know it's not them becauseit's like been me because when
I'm like already starting to spiral, even the smallest change
in someone's tone or absence in like a group hangout can feel
(27:34):
like a confirmation. You're like way too much.
Many of my friends have like been keeping me afloat.
They try to Take Me Out of the house.
They come over, spend time with me because they know I'm in like
this deep hole that I've fallen in and I can't even get out of.
I have a friend who's constantlycoming over.
(27:54):
Yesterday, I had a friend who, like, took me out to like, the
fucking, like, Locust Street Fair was like, let's go out.
I have a friend who's like, messaging me, like, snap out of
it, get out of it. Like, you know, like, it's all
that stuff, right? But there are moments where I do
hesitate to reach out to a lot of people.
(28:16):
And I think that's the worst part, where I just stopped
reaching out. You know, I start convincing
myself that, like, people have their own lives.
They're doing their own things. They're hanging out with the old
people, Like they're hanging outwith their own people.
They don't want me. And I think I hesitate to reach
out because there's this fear ofme being too much and it's all
affected like my sense of identity, you know, I've always,
(28:42):
it's not only me. And I feel like this is a lot of
people. I feel like a lot of people have
paired their identity with theircareer.
Who am I? Like, if like, like who I am has
always been tied to like what I do, the title, the achievements,
(29:03):
the next promotion, the awards that I've won, the emo where
they're like, yeah, go Joseph. You know, it all became like how
I measured my worth. So when I lost my job, it didn't
only, like, mess with my fuckingincome.
It messed with who I am. I felt like suddenly I like
wasn't the person who had it allfigured out.
(29:27):
I wasn't the successful one anymore.
I wasn't the one who had a job. There wasn't who was getting
awards, right? And that shakes you in a way
that I didn't expect that it did.
I started questioning everything, my value, my
purpose, my direction. And I've shared this with a
couple of friends before, right?It's like everything that I've
(29:47):
built on this foundation of success and stability just got
pulled out from me. And I'm left with this like,
weird situation and this weird space of like, if I'm not this
job, who am I? And I really don't have a
fucking answer for that because that's what I'm trying to figure
(30:10):
out. And also at the same time, I'm
trying to remind myself my identity should not be tied to
my career, that my worth isn't just about like my LinkedIn
fucking title or my next job offer.
Like that's what I'm trying to like, really figure out.
(30:30):
I'm trying to believe that because I've spent my entire
life chasing titles, my accomplishments, because that's
how I was brought up, I have to separate myself worth from my
success. But that isn't the easiest.
And I'm still trying to figure out how it is.
(30:51):
But I'm also realizing somethingI've never really allowed myself
to do before. I do not want to be defined as
my job anymore. This was a big real like self
reflection moment for me. I want to be defined as like my
humor, my authentic self, something that makes me feel
alive, my kindness, my creativity, my resilience, my
(31:15):
designs, my empathy, my generosity.
I want people to see how I treatothers and what I stand for.
Not me being a director for something.
Me being a director, yeah, that is something I strive for
because being a director is a big fucking deal.
(31:37):
I've worked so hard to become a director, right?
But I think that's also the thing that's fucking with me the
most. Have I been applying for jobs
that are directors? Yeah, I've also been applying
for jobs that are senior managers.
Managers, Right. Because I'm trying to get my
(32:01):
foot back in the door. Like, I am willing to take a
step down or two just to make sure I have something that I can
look forward to everyday, you know?
And like, you know, I love what I do.
I enjoy every bit of it. Someone asked me to do you love
what you do? I was like, I love it.
(32:23):
I would do it over and over again.
I enjoy every aspect of my career, but it's not going to
define who I am moving forward. I think what lights me up, it's
not just what pays my bills, youknow?
And this is how I want people tolike define me as, you know, my
(32:45):
hobbies, the friendships I've built, the workouts that I do,
the creative projects, the random fucking things that make
me feel human because I have notfelt human in such a long time.
I want to be known for how far I've come, the successes that
(33:08):
I've had in the fashion industry, the beauty industry.
I mean, dressing Mel B Spice Girl, it's like for two years,
it's a big accomplishment. But I see that as such a small
thing in my life. I don't know why, right?
(33:29):
Like it's such it's a big deal to dress as Spice Girl.
If anyone here knows who a fucking Spice Girl is, right?
Like it's a big deal. And that was a full 360 for me
in my fashion career. I should be proud of what I did.
I should celebrate it. And Teresa also said to me
(33:52):
today, she goes, you don't celebrate yourself enough.
I'm like, I don't, I really don't.
The strength I've built, the fucking shit I've overcome, not
just where I work because guess what?
The last place I worked, it's going to be gone.
Like, it's literally a place on my resume.
(34:13):
That's what I mean by God. Like, I'm not there anymore, you
know? And ultimately, I want to be
remembered for the impact I've had on people's lives, you know,
for the way that I've shown up for people, how I made people
feel during the good times. I want people to know like, the
(34:36):
real me, not just the job title I happen to have for like, I
know, like, you're probably wondering, what do I feel like
I've like pretty much lost. You know, I was reading an
article by like Psychology Todayand they kind of said it best.
Like when you lose your job, you're not only losing like your
work, you lose your structure, you lose your purpose, you lose
(35:00):
your connection. And I really didn't realize how
much of myself worth was really tied to like my career or like
my LinkedIn headline when I didn't really have 1.
I feel like I've lost everythingwhen in reality, I just lost my
(35:22):
job. But I can't really seem to like
just like focus on that. It's been a bit of a, like a
domino effect, right? Like one thing that's like
leading to like another. I've lost like my motivation of
like going to the gym, lost my motivation of doing other
(35:44):
things. I've lost my happiness losing
relationships because like of how deep I'm like really like
feeling and like people are really starting to see through
my mask heavy and like I feel like a big weight has been put
(36:08):
on my shoulders, right? There's like a ton of bricks on
there and I don't know how to breakthrough that.
I try to smile, I try to be happy, I try to make it look
like nothing is wrong, but it's like so difficult for me.
I laugh, but there's no like happiness behind it.
(36:29):
I just can't figure out to like be myself.
So like, there are a lot of things I'm questioning about
myself. This isn't just about like
career loss. It's literally like an identity
loss. Who am I when I'm not like
achieving, when I'm not producing, when I'm not
(36:51):
succeeding. It's like someone pulled the
plug on my life aesthetic and now I'm just consistently
buffering and trying to like restart myself.
And that's, it's hard for me to do and that's very difficult for
me to do. But there are a lot of people
(37:13):
who are kind of getting me through this.
They're my friends, my family, my spouse.
They're all the ones that are like really saving me right now.
A lot of people are checking in.Where are you?
What's going on? What's going through their head?
What's going through your head? They're texting, they're
calling, they're sitting with meand letting me like talk about
(37:37):
my feelings. It's very unglamorous, like a
version of like Love Island, butlike everyone's like emotionally
available. So I'm always really trying to
keep myself moving. My alarm goes off at like 5.
AMI try to get up. Force myself to go to the gym.
(37:59):
Not because I feel motivated, but because I know that
endorphins are cheaper than likefucking therapy.
I'm already paying for the gym, I'm not trying to pay for
therapy. I have friends who are checking
up on me consistently when I'm not at the gym and apparently it
causes a fucking frenzy when I don't show up to class or I'm
(38:23):
not there. Some days I just walk on the
treadmill for 30 minutes and that's a big accomplishment for
me. Some days I'll just check in at
the gym and I'm like, I'm here. But that's not to say that my
mind is calm because it's still spinning and it's going in
circles non-stop. A lot of people just don't see
(38:46):
it or I think people won't. People on my network have been
so kind to me the last like few months.
And that's one thing I'm so grateful for, right?
Like they've given me referrals,job leads, they've given me pep
talks. And that's something I'm like
(39:06):
really grateful for. But it doesn't stop like the fog
that's in my head. It doesn't pull me out of the
dark place because I'm in this like deep dark hole that I
cannot seem to get myself out of.
I still wake up and I have to, like, fight to get myself out of
(39:29):
bed because I know and I understand that there are people
who still care about me. There's something I read by like
Lindsay Weedston that said something that stuck with me.
You don't need to fix yourself. You just need to maintain
yourself. You need to maintain what you
(39:51):
have, right? And that's what I'm trying to
do. It's like doing the small things
that make me really feel like capable.
Some days for me, that's me making the bed while playing
Spice Girls. To be honest, any Gen.
ZS that are listening, they probably don't even know what
the fucking Spice Girls are, butI do.
So that's all that matters. That's kind of what I'm kind of
(40:15):
like dealing with. You know, there are things that
keep me a little bit grounded, right?
Like I have jokes. Right, I'll say it, but I'll
also say in my head, sometimes you're a failure.
But then I'll like look at myself in the mirror and kind of
just be like, you're like a handsome little failure, right?
(40:38):
Like you've still got it, but like it's not, it's not fully
there, but it's there, right? Like your hair is thinning, but
you're still kind of cute, right?
Like that's where my stuck but still hot affirmations kind of
like fucking come in and like I'm not emotionally OK right
now, you know, because this isn't a glow up story yet.
(41:01):
This is me surviving day-to-day.And like I'm consistently
thinking about like what's next.And the truth is I don't really
know what's next. I wish I had like some like big
plan or like a neat like little list of goals to share, what to
sit with that uncertainty. But I know that like as I
(41:22):
continue this podcast, I'll havea lot of people on me who are a
lot of people with me who are consistently motivating me.
And I'm talking about it, talking about our issues,
talking about motivation, talking about what what keeps
people going. And I know we're all going to be
sitting in this like mess together, but I think this is my
(41:42):
creative outlet a little bit. This is something that's keeping
me going right now. I don't have like, a boat to
like, wrap this up with, right? Like, because I'm at a, because
I'm at a standstill. I'm still trying to figure this
(42:04):
out. I hope that anyone who's like
listening to this, you know, youtake away one thing, whatever
you're feeling right now, it's OK.
The fear, the anger, the sadness, the numbness, it's all
valid. And I'm literally trying to like
(42:24):
believe that as I continue to go.
I don't know where this podcast is going to go.
I don't know where my life is going to go.
And I'm hoping that I can get out of this deep dark hole
because the last time I've been in this position was probably 3
(42:46):
1/2 years ago where I felt shitty.
Where I was in a dark spot because someone said something
to me. And I'm not going to sure what
they said. Where they made me feel like
shit. They made me feel like crap.
They made me feel like I wasn't worth it.
And there are days where I don'tfeel like I'm worth it.
(43:11):
But then I have people like you and people like my friends and
family who like, keep me going. Try not to cry on camera.
You know what I've realized? It's it's OK not to be OK.
(43:40):
It's OK to let it out. It's OK to crack, it's OK to
break. I don't always have to be this
tough human being that like I try to make myself to be.
But I do know that there is hope, that there is like a light
(44:07):
at the end of the tunnel for me.I really don't know why I feel
the way I do. I think because I've never been
placed in this position before. I'm usually so good at fucking
handling life, figuring things out.
You know Joey will always figureit out, right?
I sometimes just wish I was a 12year old kid again.
(44:30):
Listening to Spice Girls, playing with my Spice Girls
dolls, having people make fun ofme because I feel like that was
like the easier way out for me. But as you grow older, you kind
of have to figure shit out on yourself.
And I think that's like the hardest part for me, figuring it
(44:50):
out, knowing what's next. Right.
Yeah, it's only been 3 1/2 months.
Some people are like, it's just been 3 1/2 months.
Like, you're good. But I don't think people
understand the the toll that it takes on someone when it's been
this long. For me, it seems like it's been
a fucking decade. I've never in my life been
(45:12):
without a job longer than like 2days.
You know? That's the thing.
So like, I do hope that people listen to this and they
understand that they're not alone, that it's OK to be where
(45:34):
you're at. And if everything I said to them
has made them feel seen, you know, if they've ever felt like,
if you've ever felt like you've kind of like spiralled, you
know, and if you just whispered same under your breath at any
point, you know, like just know you're not alone.
(45:57):
If you need help, ask for help. And I think that's what I've
been doing a lot lately, you know, and send this to anyone
who you feel like, who needs support, who needs help.
You never know who. I don't want this to seem like a
sad episode, but I do want people to understand how I'm
(46:20):
feeling and what I'm going through.
If this like, you know, like if everything I said to you guys
resonated, you know, DM me. I want to hear your story
because the next arc that we're going to talk about is going to
be about mental health because it's a serious topic.
If you feel like anyone who is going through the same thing
that I'm going through, DM me. You know, unclocked and checked
(46:44):
out pod. If you have a story or if you
want someone to share something or someone who needs emotional
support, that's stronger than a morning fucking coffee because
we know that shit fades out realquick.
Hit play and if you have something to chat about or just
need a year to listen to, e-mailme at
(47:07):
clockedandcheckedoutpod@gmail.comor just put into my DMS clocked
and checked out pod. I'm Joseph Singh, still
spiralling, still surviving, still kind of cute, and I hope
(47:30):
everyone out there can relate tome.
Until next time, guys. See you guys next week.
Bye. Cheers.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com