May 19, 2025 • 7 mins
In this episode, we explore how 69% of conflicts stem from unresolvable differences and why shifting from “winning” to understanding is key. With insights from the Gottmans, James Sexton, and personal experiences shared by Caleb and Elena, learn practical strategies for managing disputes, from structured problem-solving to active listening. Discover how recognizing triggers and offering reassurance can transform conflict into an opportunity for connection.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Conflict is, well, it's just one of thoserealities in relationships,
(00:03):
right?
You can't avoid it.
And, interestingly, studies from expertslike the Gottmans reveal that
about sixty-nine percent of conflicts areactually unresolvable.
Wait,
unresolvable?
Exactly.
Think about it-most of thesedisagreements stem from personality
differences.
They aren't issues you can just solve andmove on from.
They're part of who we are.
(00:25):
So, the goal isn't to fix everything.
It's to understand and manage thosedifferences constructively.
That's
such a relief to hear, actually.
I mean, imagine how exhausting it'd be tothink we have to resolve every
single argument!
Totally.
And the mindset shift-from "I need to winthis argument" to "How can
I understand where this is comingfrom?"-that's what makes all the
difference.
(00:47):
It's not easy, though, is it?
No,
it's not.
Especially when emotions get involved,
like fear or, well,feeling unheard or unimportant.
Those underlying triggers can reallyescalate things,
can't they?
They can.
And from my work coaching teams,
even high-performing groups withincredible communication skills,
(01:09):
managing conflict effectively is always achallenge.
It's not just about solving theissue-it's about growth.
Recognizing where the tension is comingfrom can shift everything.
Yes,
and I think acknowledging those emotionaltriggers is key.
Like,when someone lashes out mid-argument,
often it's not really because of theissue itself but because they feel
(01:29):
like their deeper needs aren't being met.
Maybe it's feeling respected, or secure,
or even just loved.
Exactly.
It's fascinating, isn't it?
These emotional needs are at the heart ofso many disputes.
And if we can identify them--we cancommunicate better,
right?
That's the idea.
Every disagreement then becomes lessabout "fixing" the other person
(01:52):
and more about understanding each other.
It's all about fostering that connection,
even in moments of tension.
Building on what we've discussed aboutunderstanding
emotional needs, let's move into someactionable steps to navigate conflict
constructively.
James Sexton, who's spent years helpingcouples untangle disagreements,
suggests starting with somethingdeceptively simple-pausing.
(02:14):
When emotions escalate, taking a momentto breathe can mean the difference
between saying something hurtful andactually being heard.
That's so true.
I mean, when things get heated,
it's so easy to, you know, snap.
I've been there.
But giving yourself that pause-it'salmost like hitting a reset button,
(02:34):
isn't it?
Exactly.
And paired with that,Sexton emphasizes using "I" statements.
Instead of blaming the other person,
you center on your own feelings.
So, instead of saying,"You never listen to me," you could say,
"I feel unheard when you interrupt." Thatsubtle shift creates space
for empathy.
Oh, I love that approach.
(02:55):
You know, it reminds me of this argumentI had with a close friend last
year.
We were going around in circles,
both of us so stuck on proving we wereright.
And then I just stopped and said,
"I feel like we're talking past eachother.
Can you tell me what you're actuallyfeeling about all this?"Okay,
and how did that change the conversation?
It was like flipping a switch.
(03:16):
Suddenly, we were talking about what wasreally going on-her feeling
unappreciated and my feeling overwhelmed.
Open-ended questions like that,
they're so powerful for breaking downwalls,
aren't they?
Absolutely.
That ties right into what the Gottmansteach about active listening.
It's not just hearing the words; it'sreally engaging with what's beneath
(03:38):
them.
Reflecting back, asking clarifyingquestions-it's all about showing you
care enough to fully understand.
And I think that's why it builds trust.
I mean, when someone knows you're fullypresent and not just waiting
for your turn to speak?
That's when the walls really come down.
Totally.
These tools-pausing, "I" statements,
(04:00):
active listening-they aren't justtechniques.
They're ways to stay connected,
even when things feel disconnected.
So,
with all these tools-pausing,"I" statements,
active listening-helping us navigateconflict constructively,
there's another crucial piece that oftengets overlooked: what happens
after the conflict.
(04:21):
Offering reassurance is key.
It's not just about resolving theargument-it's about reaffirming your
commitment to the relationship.
Right,
like saying, "I value us more than thisdisagreement."Exactly.
I've seen couples in my coaching sessionstransform their conflicts into
opportunities for connection just bytaking that step.
(04:42):
One couple I worked with used to argueall the time about chores.
They'd get stuck in this cycle of blamingeach other.
But when they started closing argumentswith something simple like,
"Hey, we're a team-we'll get through thistogether," it completely shifted
their dynamic.
I love that.
It takes what could feel like a wedge andturns it into a bridge.
But that's not always easy, is it?
(05:04):
Especially if emotions are still raw.
No,
it's definitely not.
And that's where structuredproblem-solving comes in.
It gives the conversation aframework-identify the issue,
brainstorm solutions together,
evaluate, and then decide as a team.
It makes the whole process feel lessoverwhelming.
It's like having a
little roadmap, isn't it?
(05:26):
And I think respecting boundaries is sucha big part of that.
When both people feel safe and theirlimits are acknowledged,
it's so much easier to collaborate.
Absolutely.
And whether it's setting boundaries oraddressing conflicts directly,
these principles apply across theboard-romantic relationships,
professional teams, even families.
Oh,
(05:47):
families, definitely.
I mean, who doesn't have at least onetricky family relationship?
I've used these tools myself, especiallybeing mindful about not bringing
up past grievances.
It's such a temptation sometimes,
isn't it?
It really is,but it's also such a slippery slope.
By sticking to the issue at hand,
(06:07):
you keep the conversation productiveinstead of combative.
And, you know, if things still feel stuck,
that's where professional help can makeall the difference.
Yes,
and I'd want to say-seeking counselingisn't a sign of failure.
It's like getting a tune-up for your car,
you know?
It's about making something strong evenstronger.
Well said.
(06:28):
And from my perspective as a coach,
I've watched couples and teams unlockwhole new levels of communication
with just a few targeted strategies.
It's empowering, really.
It is.
And remember, growth doesn't come fromavoiding conflict.
It comes from working throughit-listening,
learning, and showing up for each othereven when it's messy.
Exactly.
(06:51):
Relationships thrive when we embrace thatmindset.
And with that,I think we've covered a lot today.
We really have.
So, to everyone listening,thank you for joining us on this journey.
Remember, a little bit of conflict can bean opportunity to grow,
not just together,but as individuals too.
And on that note,
(07:12):
we'll catch you next time.
Take care.
Conflict is, well, it's just one of thoserealities in relationships,
(00:03):
right?
You can't avoid it.
And, interestingly, studies from expertslike the Gottmans reveal that
about sixty-nine percent of conflicts areactually unresolvable.
Wait,
unresolvable?
Exactly.
Think about it-most of thesedisagreements stem from personality
differences.
They aren't issues you can just solve andmove on from.
They're part of who we are.
(00:25):
So, the goal isn't to fix everything.
It's to understand and manage thosedifferences constructively.
That's
such a relief to hear, actually.
I mean, imagine how exhausting it'd be tothink we have to resolve every
single argument!
Totally.
And the mindset shift-from "I need to winthis argument" to "How can
I understand where this is comingfrom?"-that's what makes all the
difference.
(00:47):
It's not easy, though, is it?
No,
it's not.
Especially when emotions get involved,
like fear or, well,feeling unheard or unimportant.
Those underlying triggers can reallyescalate things,
can't they?
They can.
And from my work coaching teams,
even high-performing groups withincredible communication skills,
(01:09):
managing conflict effectively is always achallenge.
It's not just about solving theissue-it's about growth.
Recognizing where the tension is comingfrom can shift everything.
Yes,
and I think acknowledging those emotionaltriggers is key.
Like,when someone lashes out mid-argument,
often it's not really because of theissue itself but because they feel
(01:29):
like their deeper needs aren't being met.
Maybe it's feeling respected, or secure,
or even just loved.
Exactly.
It's fascinating, isn't it?
These emotional needs are at the heart ofso many disputes.
And if we can identify them--we cancommunicate better,
right?
That's the idea.
Every disagreement then becomes lessabout "fixing" the other person
(01:52):
and more about understanding each other.
It's all about fostering that connection,
even in moments of tension.
Building on what we've discussed aboutunderstanding
emotional needs, let's move into someactionable steps to navigate conflict
constructively.
James Sexton, who's spent years helpingcouples untangle disagreements,
suggests starting with somethingdeceptively simple-pausing.
(02:14):
When emotions escalate, taking a momentto breathe can mean the difference
between saying something hurtful andactually being heard.
That's so true.
I mean, when things get heated,
it's so easy to, you know, snap.
I've been there.
But giving yourself that pause-it'salmost like hitting a reset button,
(02:34):
isn't it?
Exactly.
And paired with that,Sexton emphasizes using "I" statements.
Instead of blaming the other person,
you center on your own feelings.
So, instead of saying,"You never listen to me," you could say,
"I feel unheard when you interrupt." Thatsubtle shift creates space
for empathy.
Oh, I love that approach.
(02:55):
You know, it reminds me of this argumentI had with a close friend last
year.
We were going around in circles,
both of us so stuck on proving we wereright.
And then I just stopped and said,
"I feel like we're talking past eachother.
Can you tell me what you're actuallyfeeling about all this?"Okay,
and how did that change the conversation?
It was like flipping a switch.
(03:16):
Suddenly, we were talking about what wasreally going on-her feeling
unappreciated and my feeling overwhelmed.
Open-ended questions like that,
they're so powerful for breaking downwalls,
aren't they?
Absolutely.
That ties right into what the Gottmansteach about active listening.
It's not just hearing the words; it'sreally engaging with what's beneath
(03:38):
them.
Reflecting back, asking clarifyingquestions-it's all about showing you
care enough to fully understand.
And I think that's why it builds trust.
I mean, when someone knows you're fullypresent and not just waiting
for your turn to speak?
That's when the walls really come down.
Totally.
These tools-pausing, "I" statements,
(04:00):
active listening-they aren't justtechniques.
They're ways to stay connected,
even when things feel disconnected.
So,
with all these tools-pausing,"I" statements,
active listening-helping us navigateconflict constructively,
there's another crucial piece that oftengets overlooked: what happens
after the conflict.
(04:21):
Offering reassurance is key.
It's not just about resolving theargument-it's about reaffirming your
commitment to the relationship.
Right,
like saying, "I value us more than thisdisagreement."Exactly.
I've seen couples in my coaching sessionstransform their conflicts into
opportunities for connection just bytaking that step.
(04:42):
One couple I worked with used to argueall the time about chores.
They'd get stuck in this cycle of blamingeach other.
But when they started closing argumentswith something simple like,
"Hey, we're a team-we'll get through thistogether," it completely shifted
their dynamic.
I love that.
It takes what could feel like a wedge andturns it into a bridge.
But that's not always easy, is it?
(05:04):
Especially if emotions are still raw.
No,
it's definitely not.
And that's where structuredproblem-solving comes in.
It gives the conversation aframework-identify the issue,
brainstorm solutions together,
evaluate, and then decide as a team.
It makes the whole process feel lessoverwhelming.
It's like having a
little roadmap, isn't it?
(05:26):
And I think respecting boundaries is sucha big part of that.
When both people feel safe and theirlimits are acknowledged,
it's so much easier to collaborate.
Absolutely.
And whether it's setting boundaries oraddressing conflicts directly,
these principles apply across theboard-romantic relationships,
professional teams, even families.
Oh,
(05:47):
families, definitely.
I mean, who doesn't have at least onetricky family relationship?
I've used these tools myself, especiallybeing mindful about not bringing
up past grievances.
It's such a temptation sometimes,
isn't it?
It really is,but it's also such a slippery slope.
By sticking to the issue at hand,
(06:07):
you keep the conversation productiveinstead of combative.
And, you know, if things still feel stuck,
that's where professional help can makeall the difference.
Yes,
and I'd want to say-seeking counselingisn't a sign of failure.
It's like getting a tune-up for your car,
you know?
It's about making something strong evenstronger.
Well said.
(06:28):
And from my perspective as a coach,
I've watched couples and teams unlockwhole new levels of communication
with just a few targeted strategies.
It's empowering, really.
It is.
And remember, growth doesn't come fromavoiding conflict.
It comes from working throughit-listening,
learning, and showing up for each othereven when it's messy.
Exactly.
(06:51):
Relationships thrive when we embrace thatmindset.
And with that,I think we've covered a lot today.
We really have.
So, to everyone listening,thank you for joining us on this journey.
Remember, a little bit of conflict can bean opportunity to grow,
not just together,but as individuals too.
And on that note,
(07:12):
we'll catch you next time.
Take care.
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