March 18, 2025 • 59 mins
Brent Reed is back in town!!! Host of Spooky Fun Time, Main Course Comedy at Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas and Huntsville Comedy alum, he teaches the gang about scooters, Dungeons and Dragons, stand-up comedy. Branden tries desperately to warn JJ not to play the triangle. Alex Zee sits in for JJ while he takes care of some business. And Dom has some choice words for Elon Musk. This week's skit comes straight from the mind of Branden... starring Pat Grice... you just need to see it.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
This week on Clown College.
(00:08):
But JJ, you're gonna have to change that instrument, man.
Triangle, I'm telling you, as a triangle player, that's a dark road.
You don't want to do it.
I don't know.
I had a mental breakdown playing the triangle, man.
You don't want to play the triangle.
What happened?
What happened?
I never told anybody about this man.
I don't think you told it on here.
(00:28):
Welcome to Clown College.
We have profound knowledge in many ways to elevate and make your sound polished.
So if you want to hear a little honest, few takes on a ways to make it as a comic,
then stick around for a while to fit down to Clown.
We got the guests right now just to show you how.
Let's all go to Clown College, baby.
It's with Brandon, Willis, Don, and JJ.
(00:53):
Let's all go to Clown College, baby.
It's with Brandon, Willis, Don, and JJ.
Hey.
You know what else leads to early onset dementia that I've read is like,
(01:28):
I don't know if this is true.
But I read once that relying on your GPS too much could lead to early dementia.
No way.
Because you're not using the navigation portion of your brain.
You're just letting something else do it.
Yeah.
We're fucked.
But I don't know how that gets from A to B.
(01:50):
It gets from that to dementia.
I think that's right because I work where I have to drive and I 100% use my GPS.
Now I do this every day for a year, go to the same spot.
And some places I need a GPS even though I've been there so many times.
I am very reliant on my GPS.
You are?
Yeah, it's bad.
I mean, I've lived in Austin for two years.
I still use it all the time.
But it's a big city too.
(02:13):
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
How long does it take you like to go from like where you're at to where you need to go?
Oh.
But most places like an average.
I mean, from where I live, the cool thing about the Austin comedy scene is
from where I live to downtown is 10 minutes.
But then once I'm parked downtown, I within walking distance of the comedy mothership,
(02:39):
Sunset Strip, The Creek in the Cave, Black Rabbit, all these like there's shows at the Yupp Lounge,
Vulcan Gas Company.
Like there's all these places within walking distance.
And then, you know, you got to scoot away for if you like the scoot.
I like a scoot.
(03:00):
You got to put the scooters that they have.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
You like the scoots.
I like them.
I won't touch them.
Dude, and my ex-girlfriend shit all over them.
Like she was just like it was cool to hate them because she was like, no, they're still wearing them.
You got to do that.
No, you just got to bend it out.
I've never been on this side of the fucking.
Hey Toot.
What up?
(03:20):
My sweet boy.
What was I talking about?
Hey Zee, the man, the myth, the legend behind this pod.
Motherfucker dumb car.
What was I talking about?
I feel like I was talking about.
You're talking about your ex says she hated something.
Oh, the fucking scooters.
The scooters, yeah.
I'm with her though.
I mean, what do you hate?
Fun?
Do you hate enjoying life?
(03:41):
You hate feeling the wind going through your hair for like $3 if you're just going a couple miles.
And I like it.
Sometimes I get downtown late.
I got to get to Sunset Strip in like four minutes.
I could park at the bridge and sprint.
Yeah, that is true.
Or Marty McFly that motherfucker.
(04:01):
I could get a scoot.
I get a scoot.
I'm there.
You know, I feel the wind in my hair right before I go in.
That's just a bonus.
But I love a scooter.
It's dangerous.
You're going to feel concrete in your side of the face.
No, I'm good.
I've never wrecked one.
But have you seen people wreck them though?
I've never.
Really?
No.
(04:21):
That's actually crazy.
But my friend, I have a friend who has a friend.
Like everybody knows somebody who like knocked theirself the fuck out on one, you know?
Yeah.
But it's never happened to me.
I'm agile though.
I'm light.
You know?
Like a feather.
I'm like a feather.
I'm zoned in.
Dude, I'm mindful because I've wrecked things my whole life.
(04:43):
That's like what I've done.
I had this scar.
Shit Dom.
Sorry.
Fuck that camera.
Oh damn.
That was tight.
You see how fucking fast my reaction is.
That was pretty cool.
You need to show that.
You need to edit in that.
Yeah, that film in man.
No, that would put a cool effect on it.
Damn.
So Dom, what do you think is the leading reason you're worried about these scooters and riding them?
(05:07):
Well, because if you can walk it, you might as well because you got too many factors.
It's on two wheels.
You got to balance yourself.
And then you got people who just walk out.
You know?
If everybody's not paying attention, so you're not just driving for yourself.
You drive for everybody else.
Well, that's for sure.
But you take it easy.
I take alleyways all the way from I park for free under this bridge.
(05:29):
It sounded creepier.
They did start.
They did start ticketing it recently.
Damn.
If you left your shit or what?
Under the bridge.
Yeah, it's where I've been parking ever since I moved there.
Two years I've been parking there for free and they started ticketing comics and shit.
Or trolls.
Well, anyway, I got in the fucking I get on the scoot and I can get to work all the way through alleyways going full blast.
(05:54):
I just have to like check my shit at Rhodes.
Obviously, the guy breaks.
I take it easy.
I don't nobody's ever in the alleyway and I go.
I mean, I make it to sunset from that bridge by creaking the cave to sunset strip in like four minutes.
Four minutes.
Damn.
Hold on.
That's not that far.
(06:15):
Oh, I mean, yeah, but it's like eight minute walk.
It's an eight minute walk.
Probably.
Yeah, actually, you're right.
And I'm probably getting there quicker than four minutes.
It's like it's no time.
I get what you're saying.
You can bounce out.
Yeah, it's an eight minute scoot.
Sometimes you and then whipping from spot to spot.
Some of the clubs are a little further away like East Austin and but they're Roscoe's comedy club.
(06:41):
Great clubs are there and they're a little bit of a walk.
Grab a scooter.
Get a scooter.
Yeah, I'll get dude.
Put away your pride.
If you think you're too cool for a scooter, you're not too cool for a scooter.
Go fuck yourself.
Yeah, it's so much for you.
Hate like you don't enjoy life.
Enjoy something.
Sure.
You might crack your head open.
Don't do it drunk.
(07:01):
And if you're wondering what a scooter looks like.
Yeah, that's my favorite one right at a raise.
That's not that's not what you know that we're not.
Hold on.
Brandon.
Is this what you thought we were?
Did I did this entire time?
This is what you thought we were talking about.
Yeah, this is why I used to ride the Razor scooter.
So we were talking about those.
Have you ever seen those electric scooters?
(07:23):
Yeah, put that in.
You scan the QR code with the app and then it's like, all right, get your ass to work.
You can just drop it off and then you just drop it anywhere.
Take a picture of it going to work.
Wait, like this one?
Yeah, it's not like that.
Oh, bird. Oh, bird. Okay. Let me search a bird.
I actually use lime, but yeah, bird like that.
(07:46):
Yeah, like that.
Oh, shit.
It's like solar power.
So they're just all over the streets in Austin.
You can just QR code scan one.
They're so convenient.
Getting from when you got five, dude, there are comics doing five spots in a night, you know, in Austin.
And just like this guy.
And if you don't know, if you're in Austin, hop your ass on a scooter.
(08:06):
Follow Brent Reed. Find out where he's at.
Dude, this guy's amazing.
When I went, we just went down to Austin the other day, saw him hosting.
He's everywhere.
Fucking go see him.
Hell yeah.
Thanks, man. Thanks, buddy.
Yeah, it's been fun.
It's been fun.
But yeah, the scooter is...
Back to the...
I'm just kidding.
We can talk about something else.
That was an autistic rant on the scooter.
(08:29):
I was just trying to let people know who you are.
I'm so high.
I'm very high.
I don't normally talk about scooters for 45 minutes.
It means he's high in life because he's glad to be back in Huntsville.
We have Brent Reed, everybody.
Brent Reed, make some noise.
Do the clap.
Yay.
That only we can hear.
Nose is running.
Yeah, you need something?
Oh, don't let Dante hear you.
(08:49):
There we go.
We'll get it.
You want me to get a...
I'll get a tissue?
It'll be fine.
Yeah.
Get you right.
I look like a psycho.
We're gonna cut this part.
(09:27):
Come over here.
Come over here.
Damn.
You know I got to come over here.
All right.
My name is Brandon Willis and this is the PSA.
(09:49):
You know, 15 to 10% of Americans like to go on in their butt ass naked and just sit in the bathroom with the doors unlocked and shit.
Right?
So you just slide on in, right?
And you know, let me tell you something.
That shit ain't right.
I feel like it's wrong as hell.
Look what the fuck happened to him.
He walked in there.
I walked in there.
And now look, I had to stab the fuck out of him.
(10:10):
Stab the shit out of him.
It was sad.
It was hard.
I didn't want to do it, but guess what?
It was a man called, bruh.
I had to go up in there, shank him, stab him.
Because guess what, man?
You can't come in my house.
Man, you come in there butt naked and shit.
I mean, hey, man, that's all right to do, but lock the door.
And he didn't lock the door.
So kids, guess what, man? I'm sorry.
I know you in school traumatizing and shit, but guess what?
Lock your fucking doors.
(10:31):
But this will be you, man.
All of that.
Bloody hands for no reason.
So good night.
Go kiss your parents.
Do whatever you got to do.
I'm out.
Thank you for the tow up, baby.
(10:52):
I said this is a Pro Hitler podcast on multiple occasions.
You can say anything you want on here.
Hell yeah.
It's been wild.
And I watched it back and said, I probably
shouldn't have said that.
And then Alex made a short cut of it.
I made a super cut.
We'll watch it after.
We'll watch it after.
And it's great.
Really good.
He says it like a lot.
You'll just have to see it.
(11:12):
Fans of the pot and all.
In context, it's still just as bad.
It's not any better.
It's not any better.
It's actually probably worse.
Yeah, I cut out details explaining.
But the Jews are cool.
Yeah.
Hey, Dom, that makes you feel better on my way to work earlier.
There was this dude, and he kept doing like the How Hitler
sign because dog, like his puppy.
(11:34):
It's like the whole time I was at a stoplight,
and he just kept doing it.
And how you feel about Hitler?
I hate him.
I think he's horrible.
He's pretty, yeah, he was a fucking loser.
Piece of shit.
He was a fucking dweeb.
Exactly.
And he only had one ball.
Or his ball was inside of him.
We don't know.
He lost his testicle.
Mm-hmm.
He's a bad, very, very bad.
(11:55):
He's a britch.
I just want to make sure everybody knows.
I said he was bad.
So look, we do a show Dave Allina puts on the show called
Hack and Forth, right?
It's like Kill Tony.
OK.
And then he was like, it's in Langston, Alabama.
Now, I'm not from Alabama.
Are you familiar with Langston, Alabama?
I'm not familiar with Langston.
So it's past Gunnersville.
(12:16):
Me and Brandon walked in.
Yes.
Hey, the only ones.
Only two.
The only ones until you take a deep breath.
It's me, Brandon, and this guy.
You take a deep breath.
Like, OK.
So I'm not going to do anything I thought I was going to do.
So I get up there.
And I do almost like I'm going to just do the I'm German and black.
Right?
I say I'm German and black.
Somebody in the back goes, Hill Hitler.
(12:39):
No way.
I swear to God.
He goes Hill Hitler.
And I go, never heard that.
You know, I've never heard anybody say that.
But immediate, I got so scared.
I'm just thinking, we got to get out of here.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, we have to be able to leave.
So then.
Somebody, holy shit.
Not only Hill Hitler, but did the.
What's the craziest thing you can think of for someone to heckle?
(13:03):
That's the craziest one.
Then he's doing the salute.
The rest of the night, if you think something's funny, he does the salute.
Mm-hmm.
Is it some white dude?
So I'll give you this.
The median age there was 76.
And he was one of the young guys.
And he was 60.
You know what I mean?
Like, that's how this room was.
So it's like 30 to 40 of older people.
(13:24):
Yes.
And then he was the young guy, but he was still like 55, 60.
And then afterwards, he was like, hey, we're the.
It's him and his boy.
He's like, hey, we're the Hill Hitler guys.
I was like, hey.
It was like, hey, what's up?
He was like, he was like, yeah, we I lived in Germany for 10 years.
I did this.
And then he's like, he's like, hey, we don't even like Hitler.
I'm like, yeah, me neither.
(13:45):
Yeah, that was.
Dude, that's crazy.
I swear to God.
That was terrible.
That's crazy.
Lex and I will be coming back this February.
I thought for sure that was going to end with them being actual Nazis.
And they're like, we're just fucking around.
Yeah.
We just like to say that.
That was worse.
That's nuts.
That's not where I thought that.
(14:07):
JJ!
JJ, man, how you?
What's going on?
I'm doing phenomenal.
You recovered?
Hell yeah, man.
So JJ's walking in right now.
What up, baby?
He used to tell us about that.
How you doing, though?
Did you shit your pants?
I did, yeah.
There were some technical issues.
I was driving over here and I was just thinking, wow.
(14:31):
Not a good place for it.
Yeah, I was staring at that door.
I was looking out for you, bro.
I was looking out for you.
Might have a hit there?
Well, I'm sorry you filled your drawers up.
It's all right, man.
So what happened?
What did you eat?
What's going on?
So I actually moved out today.
(14:52):
Shout out.
The boy's on his own.
Two other dudes.
Two other comics?
Regular ass people.
An engineer and a guy that owns a car.
That's great.
That's good.
That's who you need to live with.
You don't need to live with comics.
(15:13):
It's like clean, but the first day I shit myself and they're like, oh.
Oh, you had to go back.
Yeah, I had to go back all the way back.
Were you in shorts like that?
Yeah.
Damn, man.
Hold on, so you got shit on your seat.
No, no.
I drove like there's a little thing right, because this is my friend.
If an engineer shits their pants, they're like, oh, I'm going to go to the bathroom.
Because this is my friend right there.
(15:35):
If an engineer shits their pants, they take away their engineering license.
They don't do that.
I bet that blew his mind.
He's like, all right, we might have to start watching this guy.
Now they're suspicious of you.
It was like disgust.
He shit his pants the other day.
Was it bad, bad?
I'm not sure if I can trust him.
It wasn't terrible.
(15:56):
It wasn't terrible?
No.
It's never ideal, but it could have been a lot worse.
Was it hard or what?
It was like, I don't know, it was like a different state of matter.
It wasn't like hard, no.
Clay?
When I took my pants off and I look at the stain, it was almost like a perfect oval.
(16:18):
Really?
Really yellow.
Almost like a baby.
You still laid an egg.
Damn, man.
I ate some Chipotle too.
Man, this is gross.
This is the grossest conversation I've ever been in on.
This is wild.
No, I'm just acknowledging what it is.
I'm not saying I'm not enjoying it.
(16:39):
So how's Austin in living the life?
Fucking speaking of gross, speaking of gross and smells like poop.
It's a...
Human feces.
Yeah, dude.
I don't know that I would live there if it wasn't for the comedy.
I know that I wouldn't.
If comedy stopped there tomorrow, they were like, by the way, it's all outlawed in Austin.
(17:00):
I would leave.
Obviously.
There would be no reason.
I mean, I guess that's a lot of us.
That might have been a dumb sentence.
But you know what I'm saying?
I don't like the city.
I like the scene.
I saw your girlfriend run into Tom Segura's car, man.
That was fucked up.
My girlfriend?
Yeah, dude.
Who's my girlfriend?
That lady in that video that hit his car.
(17:22):
No.
We'll see.
Just some lady?
Did y'all see that?
No.
No.
And like he's having a verbal...
I thought you were like, it was a person that you knew of.
Me too.
I was like, where are you from?
I thought it was like an ex-girlfriend or something.
And you knew something.
(17:43):
It's that video on the top left, man.
Oh, I did see that.
Right up here.
Let's see.
I did not see that.
Oh, yeah.
See it is like forced GT3, man.
Oh, and he hit the...
What is that?
(18:06):
A Porsche?
Yeah.
Damn.
Tom's bad.
Good taste.
Look at her.
He was like, you dumb bitch.
She ends up driving away.
No.
Yeah, she drives away.
But they got like a picture of her license plate and put it on the internet.
Holy shit.
So you know that lady's getting attacked, dude.
She probably doesn't have insurance.
(18:28):
And what insurance is going to cover...
I mean, yeah.
Oh my God.
What was he driving?
A Porsche.
Some kind of Porsche.
Probably not.
You know, this motherfucker's big money now, man.
GT3.
And he was double parked, by the way.
And that poor fucking lady.
Oh, man.
(18:50):
I mean, but you know, he knows this.
Nobody can feel sorry for you.
You have a Porsche and it's going to get fixed and you have a lot of money.
Yeah.
And that people are being mean as shit to that lady.
They're just fucking bad.
Damn.
She had a bad day.
It's okay.
Yeah.
We all hit cars.
Maybe she has a bad car or something.
(19:10):
I don't know.
I just said...
What did you just say?
We all hit cars.
It happens.
Somebody taps a car once in a time.
It's okay.
And then leaves, right?
Hell yeah.
Tap the car in the police station, man.
That's the police station, man.
Tap the car.
Said it was a sidewalk.
We took off.
Oh yeah, I do remember that story.
Yeah.
That was at the police station.
Yes, it was.
What was at the police station?
We tapped the car.
We all did.
(19:31):
And then went to the police station?
Yeah, but thankfully there was no dance.
No dance.
Did you get out and look or you just left?
I just left.
I just left.
I just left.
I just left.
I just left.
Did you get out and look or you just left?
I mean, I looked back and I was like, damn, bro, that's the sidewalk, man.
So he said no dance on his car.
At the police station.
I looked back.
I looked back.
I was like, okay, that car's good.
Because I was like, if there was a dent, I would stay.
But I was like, no, there's no dent.
(19:52):
I can't believe this happened at the police station.
You never got a call.
No, nobody...
And then the cops came and got you?
How did you end up at the police station?
Oh, no.
No, I just left and got a gun permit.
He was getting a gun permit.
Yeah.
Hit a car at the police station parking lot and then left.
Tapped it.
I didn't.
We tapped it, we tapped it, called it the sidewalk, called it the dent.
Whoa.
It's okay though.
(20:13):
Nobody got injured.
Yeah.
No, nobody got dent it.
Good job, man.
Thank you, man.
This is hypothetically.
This is a silly fun joke.
This is me joking around.
I'm not serious.
If anybody thinks I'm serious, I'm not serious.
This is a silly fun joke.
And then when I hit that trash can, man, this ain't real.
It's still there.
If you go to this college and look at it, it's fucked up.
Good save, man.
We've shown a photo of it.
(20:37):
I did?
Yeah, we did.
Damn, bro.
Oh, shit.
Never taste better than that, man.
Man, that was years ago though.
That's all right.
Fake.
Brandon, you are perfect.
Thank you, man.
You too.
You been watching Rasslin'?
Dude, I love Rasslin'.
I love Rasslin'.
You know what's crazy?
(20:58):
I keep watching Rasslin', then I end up going back to the old Rasslin' like in 1992 with
Roddy Piper.
Yeah.
I like watching the old stuff too.
Me too.
I'm trying to get it.
I went and saw WWU Smackdown when they came to Austin recently.
That's that.
Oh, wow.
It was fucking sick.
We got our seats upgraded and they moved us right by the entrance.
Shut the fuck up.
(21:19):
Damn.
It was sick.
It was like me and eight other comics.
Damn.
There's some more comics, like Hinchcliffe and his squad were on the floor.
It was him and La Mer and Sean Gardini and all those guys.
Oh, wow.
Shane.
They were all on the floor.
(21:40):
Then we're up by the entrance.
It was really cool.
The entrances are badass, but they are loud as fuck.
That's power.
It's pretty cool.
One of my favorites right now is Kevin Owens and this little girl had an autograph book
and she was like, here, sign it.
He walks up and grabs a pen and just fucking throws it.
(22:01):
That's tight.
I might sign honor again.
That's an honor.
Yeah.
Brandon was like, that's cooler than the-
Yes, that's the guy right there.
This is my-
Yeah, he's fun.
My man right there, man.
He's good.
Do they put on a show for you though?
He does a gomish.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was sick.
It was a cool show.
I love wrestling.
I was like, of course, I'm like 20, not of course, I'm a bad, near the entrance around
(22:23):
2011.
Dude, I got to give our truth a handshake.
Kelly Kelly came up and hugged me.
I was like 10.
Okay.
You're getting the feel of that.
And dude, yes, I'm a kid, man.
I can do that.
Yeah.
So you grabbed ass.
I think so, man.
I got a good hug.
I was like, this is all I'm getting for a while.
I'm getting a nice good hug.
(22:44):
One funny thing happened at the end of that SmackDown.
Cody Rhodes, so like Hinchcliffe was there.
Cody Rhodes at the end was like, give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe.
And he got kind of like some booze and like, he got some pop and like some booze.
And then he goes, give it up for Gabriel Iglesias.
The crowd goes fucking nuts.
(23:06):
And they're chanting, fluffy, fluffy, fluffy.
It is fluffy though.
It was sick.
That's a different level.
It was so funny.
I don't think he might not have gotten that.
I might have heard like a boo.
He might not have gotten like booed, booed, but it was just like, it was like a mixed
applause.
Some people knew who he was.
Some people were like trolling or whatever.
(23:28):
Yeah, but Gabriel Iglesias is on a different level than 99% of.
I worked sound for him the night on Christmas night in Austin, Texas.
He headlined at Sunset Strip College.
Oh shit.
Wow.
And I think his ticket price was like up there.
(23:51):
Like it was like, it was like an intimate, I can't remember.
For that room to have him, that's a great show because I mean, he's playing, if he wants
to play a theater arena.
I don't remember how much they were.
I mean, it was like a hundred bucks at least.
That's good.
I'll pay that.
It might have been one or two.
Now two, two is too much.
I'll pay a hundred to see him in that.
That's a lot right there.
And yeah, it was pretty cool.
(24:15):
He did, oh shit.
I used to tell people, I forgot that he did like two hours and 17 minutes of.
What?
Damn.
Yeah.
He did like an hour of material and then did like a 90 minute Q&A.
(24:37):
And people, he would just tell stories.
I mean, it was like super intimate.
It was a long show, but he gave us all money on top of what we were getting paid.
That's tight.
And that's a good dude.
And he servers me.
He took care of everybody and it was a really good show.
Sometimes you get this tail with somebody who's a good goddamn dude.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Always like fluffy.
(24:57):
It was really cool.
He like asked us all to come in there and then was like, thank you guys so much for
working tonight and gave us all, like greased us all.
That's the best thing.
Yeah, dude.
It was pretty cool.
Yeah.
And that's where I saw you hosting.
Brent got me and my boy in for free, dog.
Big dog right here.
Hell yeah.
We get it.
(25:17):
Red band, thank you.
And then one of the weird connection thing, one of the guys that featured for him that
night, I opened for at Stand Up Live Huntsville.
Polar Bear Gonzalez.
Do you guys know this cat?
He's good.
You said you featured for him?
I featured for him two years ago or some shit when he headlined at Stand Up Live Huntsville.
(25:39):
And he was featuring for Gabriel at Sunset.
I'm working sound.
That's great.
I was talking to another comic about it.
It was pretty funny.
It was like, yeah, it's like before I was, you know, I was like hosting and he was headlining.
It's like now he's on the show and I'm working sound.
It's like, you know, sometimes things just stay the same.
(26:07):
Is he funny?
Yeah, he is funny.
He's got a big social media following.
He's Hispanic.
Ooh.
He looks like Tyler Cooper that you were saying, oh, by now.
Yeah.
Very light skinned.
He has like bits about it.
That's why he's called the Polar Bear because he's like, you know, white.
(26:28):
Like a polar bear.
It's like a Canelo Latino.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Canola.
Are those your favorite?
I have to admit there's something about him.
I can't quite put my finger on what it is.
Yeah.
Now I'm with you.
Definitely the white Hispanics are my favorite.
White Hispanics.
Why is there, why you guys leaving me out to dry like this?
(26:52):
Well, you can say it because you're dark.
Yeah, man.
I'm just fucking.
Yeah.
I mean, well, my boy, he's Puerto Rican as shit and brown.
You're bad.
You're Puerto Rican.
I'm not.
What are you?
I'm Pakistani, man.
No.
Yeah.
I'm not from Pakistan.
(27:12):
No.
You are Pakistani?
I'm Pakistani, but my family from there.
I'm sorry I just thought you were fucking with me for a second.
No, their family from there and then they moved.
You didn't say Hail Hitler earlier.
Yeah, but you could say that when you're Pakistani.
True.
Yeah.
That's why you like the Packers.
Yeah, my mom's side.
Because I'm half Pakistani, half German.
That's cool.
Yeah.
It's a cool mix.
So, you know, we do a whole bunch of crazy shit.
That's fun.
(27:33):
But I still eat pork because fuck Allah.
Oh, wait.
Okay.
All right.
Pork is great.
Right?
I'm not going to sit and be a part of a religion that doesn't allow you to eat bacon.
That savory fucking candy of the meats.
Oh my.
God, it's so good.
Hold on.
What are you guys eating for?
Well, because bacon is, I think bacon's overrated a little bit.
(27:57):
I won't even sit here and hear this.
I think it's been marketed well.
I love bacon.
It's that marketing, it's the way it dissolves in your mouth.
Yeah, it's tasty, man.
When you get the fat and meat.
It's marketed well.
It's crispy.
It wasn't even a breakfast food, if not for marketing.
Bread food, stop advertising the job.
I love bacon.
Fuck this thing.
It's outside.
It's abusive.
It's funny that bacon, now their advertisement is just genetics.
You know what I mean?
(28:18):
I'm not going to say that.
I'm just saying that bacon is a good thing.
I'm not going to say that bacon is a good thing.
I'm not going to say that bacon is a good thing.
I'm not going to say that bacon is a good thing.
I'm not going to say that bacon is a good thing.
They've really stepped their game on.
Damn, that's good advertising.
Just make it pass through DNA.
(28:41):
As a baby, just like give me some bacon now.
Please, I need it bad.
Don't they feed you?
I love BLT.
Me too, man.
I love BLT.
That combination just does something.
What, you don't like BLT?
The salt from the bacon on the tomato?
Preferably like a fresh garden tomato.
We'll get sexual in here.
(29:01):
Let's get it.
Throw some black pepper on the tomato.
Yeah.
Let's cancel the show tonight and make BLTs.
I'll text Kim right now and be like, I can't.
Hey Dom, did you see he said he doesn't like BLTs?
You just said you don't like BLTs?
You said you don't like BLTs?
Don't throw me under the bus.
I'm throwing you under the bus.
(29:22):
No, I don't.
Get on his ass.
You talking about you don't like BLTs, man?
What don't you like?
If it's cut bacon.
What don't you like, the tea?
That thick ass bacon.
You don't like the tea?
Bacon's not really my thing.
I'll eat it.
It's good.
But like you, I think it's overrated.
And then tomato, lettuce, you're not doing the bacon any favors.
So what's the best cut of the pork?
(29:43):
The mayonnaise.
Of the pork?
You gotta put mayonnaise on it though.
Come on now.
A little bit of mayonnaise.
Don't overpower it.
Come on.
Light mayo.
Light regular mayo.
Light mayo, man.
You don't wanna overdo that.
Give it too much of that action.
I just see what time it is.
Cause Brent's headlining it, Brent and Friends.
I'm excited.
I probably shouldn't have gotten high.
But.
Nah, you'll be okay.
On life.
Yeah, on life, man.
We are.
(30:04):
Well.
On life and on cocaine.
The only thing I sniff is this oxygen, man.
It's H2O.
And you have the nose for cocaine.
See, yeah.
I've got a few hours until I'm on stage.
Never gonna find out though.
(30:25):
You got what?
I've got a few hours before I'm on stage.
Yeah, cause then you're headlining so you're not going up like.
Yeah, right.
Like soon.
I'll go up at like nine, ten.
You know what beats if you're two buzz on stage?
If you're two buzz on reefers, you drink.
You drink a liquor.
It balances it out and by the time you come down you got a fucking perfect buzz.
(30:47):
Look, we'll take some shots of this Blanco right here.
It's the rock.
You guys saw my wrestling.
This is the last advice Brent was ever giving me.
I'm gonna get really good at it now.
Yeah.
That seems like terrible advice to you.
You think it's terrible.
I'm telling you, dude.
Just do it for ten years straight and then you won't remember it at all.
You remember parts.
(31:08):
The highlights.
Yeah, you remember.
Hey, Brandon's High on Life.
I was at the gym the other day.
Saw Brandon on the Stairmaster weighted vest.
What?
Yeah.
Weighted vest.
I mean it's like a fucking waterslide, dude.
You know how sweaty you are.
I can't imagine.
But dude, he was going insane.
Fucking firefighter flexed them motherfuckers.
God damn it.
(31:29):
Hell yeah, man.
Why you think I've been watching wrestling, man?
That shit motivate me, man.
Yeah, you ready to throw somebody out of a car after they get down the wreck, right?
Fuck yeah.
Powerbomb on the hood.
Hell yeah.
What is that?
It jumps the heart.
Yeah, man.
We jumped that heart.
Get up in there.
Do what we gotta do.
You knew you couldn't do that.
Essentially.
I want to do and see CPR slides in like the ref and just slaps him on the chest.
(31:54):
Ah, man.
Gotta love wrestling, man.
They would beat the living shit out of you if you got in that ring.
Oh, man, dude.
Brandon's been in the ring.
You jumped him before?
No, not jump.
Dude, I didn't know.
Oh, you know.
You talking about jumping in while they're...
Oh yeah, dude.
You jump in, they'll whoop your ass.
Yeah, I meant if you jumped in during a match.
I'm not saying he couldn't do it, couldn't handle wrestling.
(32:16):
Well, he got his ass beat, he had to stop.
But I mean, if you're just a person, and you as a little goof jump in the wrestling ring
during a show, especially these guys that just travel, if you're going to see some wrestling
in Alabama, those guys definitely are going to...
Adam Priest will fuck you up.
Yeah, Adam Priest would fuck you up bad.
I'm telling you, I've seen what he does and it's going to be real.
(32:40):
You don't think it's not real, you're going to jump in that ring and you're going to get
your ass beat.
He's waiting for that day.
You know they all have to be like, please.
He's good.
You know, he reminds me of, well, he reminds me of Benoit.
Benoit?
In a good way.
Yeah.
In a good way.
We'll find out in 10 years.
I get the same vibe.
I just watched Kurt Angle do an interview with Chris Van Fleet and he was talking about...
(33:06):
Benoit got brought up.
He was talking about how he was doing the thing that WWE wanted him to do, which was
pretend that Chris Benoit never existed.
But he was like, I realized that to say that means some of my best matches never happened.
(33:27):
He was like, so I used to pretend that he was like, but I think that he and I had the
best wrestling match of all time and he named the match.
I went back and watched it and it was great.
But he's good because of his intensity.
Chris Benoit was.
And that's why he's good at killing.
I think that's why...
And Adam Priest is also shorter.
True.
(33:47):
Chris Benoit was also...
Stacked though, like short, stacked.
Stacked.
And Chris Benoit is the same way.
They had this similar bite type and the intensity.
They do got...
You know, now that you said that, that is exactly who he was out there.
True.
Yeah.
Hey.
See you later.
Is he married?
Huh?
Who?
Chris Benoit?
No.
(34:08):
I'm serious.
I hope that's not divorced.
Chris Benoit was that guy though.
I thought wrestlers really feared him whenever he would come out there.
Not the right picture.
I mean, he and like, a lot of those guys were really good.
Very good.
Him, I mean, Kurt Angle, Kurt Angle's my favorite of all time.
Really?
Really?
Oh shit.
Yeah.
(34:29):
He wasn't when I was a kid.
I hated him when I was a kid.
Because he was a heel.
And then now I'm like, oh, he was the best.
He was so funny.
He cut some of the best fucking promos.
Oh yeah.
And then when he got in the ring, he could always be a joke.
He could be menacing.
He could do all the things.
Oh, the team angle was great.
He could do all the things, but when he got in the ring, he was a fucking problem.
(34:50):
He was.
He was.
He was an Olympic gold medalist.
I broke a neck.
Russell was a broken neck.
Yeah.
He was an Olympic gold medalist.
So that was what was cool about him.
He could get away with all these like crazy antics and still be seen as a threat in the
ring because he has those gold medals.
You can't take the gold medal away from him.
No, you can't.
(35:10):
But he actually looked, he was out there wrestling too.
He can be a silly goose.
He can be the silliest of geese.
But then he gets in the ring, it's like, oh, this guy's going to fuck me up if I don't,
you know.
Hell yeah.
It would be a problem if he transitioned.
Dude.
It would be a problem.
And wrestling?
Well, you know, wrestling, where I'm from, is not, you don't have, girls and guys wrestle
against each other.
Well, I've seen the guy, dude, there's this guy on Instagram that beats the hell out of
(35:32):
these dudes.
Is she small though, right?
Yes.
112 or 103?
Something like, yeah, it has to be.
Yeah.
So those girls can be good.
Let me tell you, when they come up to my weight class, I slam this bitch on her neck.
I think she would give you some problems, dude.
Now.
I think she would give you some problems.
Now?
Oh, dude.
A child could beat me now.
I pull my back, getting out of the truck at work, dog.
(35:55):
It happens.
What the fuck?
Hell yeah.
Some fucking-
I should have the hand stuff on the drive here.
That is it.
I mean, that's crazy.
We're all just trying.
That's the third joke.
We're just trying our best, fellas.
True.
Hey, Brink, did you see, speaking of earlier, when you were talking about people going into
the ring, did you see that video where his name is Fatu?
You know Fatu, right?
Yeah.
(36:16):
You think it's Fatu?
That's the part where that dude tried, that fat dude tried to run in there and he kicked
him through the chair with him and all that stuff and whooped his ass.
That was-
There's a great one of, I think it's Stone Cold and Triple H.
Dude, I saw that one.
And Triple H was the heel.
Austin was the face at the time.
(36:38):
And so this guy, I think he was a Triple H fan.
I think Stone Cold was pinning Triple H, this guy came in and tried to break it up.
And Triple H beats the shit out of him.
Dude.
Oh yeah.
I remember that.
This is on a documentary, dude.
That ain't fucked him up.
(36:58):
Really beats him bad.
Dude, I watched that like a hundred times.
But that's what it should be.
That is how it should be because you shouldn't step in there.
He did it because it was cool because he was protecting Stone Cold.
Because when he hurt or something?
I think-
Oh, because he was coming in to fuck up Stone Cold.
Well, it was because somebody had to do it and Stone Cold couldn't do it because he was
the face.
(37:19):
True.
Without like blowing kayfabe.
I agree.
So Triple H, to protect them both because he was the heel, beat the shit out of that
guy.
He's like, I'm the bad guy anyway.
Fucking I'll fuck the guy.
Hey, the picture on the right, that's a perfect stance for a suit play.
He's getting all of that fucking quad in there to fucking pull him back.
He is about to drop.
(37:39):
And look how much room he has from his head to his so he can drop him hard.
He can kill him if he wanted to like that.
Hey, go for it.
Do New Jack.
New Jack style, man.
And he'll never wrestle again, Triple H.
Oh yeah, yeah he can.
He's got like a whole bunch of problems.
Yeah, he's done.
Plus he's the, I mean, he's got the company.
Yeah, he's done.
Yeah, he's all management now.
But yeah, he has like a fucking defibrillator or some shit in his chest.
(38:02):
Damn.
Yeah, he's messed up.
He ain't wrestlin' ever again.
Because those boys, my favorite wrestler was Scott Hall, god damn it.
He had a razor mode.
Oh dude, I love him.
His features great.
He had a fucking toothpick at you.
That Shawn Michaels ladder match, obviously.
They were hell yeah.
WrestleMania?
Yes.
That was whenever.
I had to watch it when that shit was fuzzy.
That's a really good match.
Was that the one where they hugged at the end and they got mad?
(38:23):
No, no, that was like a house show.
That wasn't real.
I never heard about that.
Oh no, that's SummerSlam.
Hold up.
But it was like the WCW guys hugging.
Yeah, that's the one with the white pants.
And that's the iconic photo right there.
Yeah.
Oh, and then I photoshopped.
Did you see my poster where I photoshopped my face?
I saw Michael's body.
That was tight.
I didn't do it.
My roommate, Matt Bammore, did.
Shout out.
(38:44):
A very talented comedian.
I thought he was here with you.
It's my boy Matt.
That dude's funny.
I seen him on Killtody.
He fucking killed that shit.
I should have brought him.
This was just like a solo drive.
I'm staying for a whole week and trying to see some family and shit.
Hell yeah, man.
Thank you for gracing us with your presence, man.
Thank you for having me.
I wanted to hang.
Hell yeah, man.
Yeah, it's been fun.
Yeah, man.
Me and Alex were hanging last night and he was like, I wanted to do something during
(39:11):
the day and he was like, well, we can do the podcast at like five.
That was perfect.
Hell yeah.
Where'd y'all go last night?
Yesterday we did the D&D show.
You do that shit?
You not gonna play?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I've been playing D&D for almost as long as I've been doing comedy.
Really?
Really?
(39:31):
I've been doing comedy for six years and I'm going on six years in comedy and going on
five in D&D or it might be six in D&D.
Because you know Mark Viola.
Yeah.
I want to get him the DM.
He's been asking about it.
He's gonna do it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But like obviously what you're thinking, that's the joke.
Yeah, we don't know shit about D&D.
(39:52):
I want to learn so bad.
He knows too much.
Yeah, he's gonna get very angry and I'm gonna love every single one.
Yeah, that's gonna be fun.
But like the balance of it is I think they are gonna play.
Like really try to, we're gonna really try to play.
Yes.
That we're not literally fucking around.
Yeah.
Not at all.
But you can have fun and be silly.
It's a fun, silly, positive, like you're gonna love it.
(40:12):
It's improv.
It's improv but you're playing a character and then when you try to do challenging things,
instead of it just happening magically, you have to roll dice to see if it actually happens.
That's good shit.
I'm down for that.
I'm gonna beat y'all ass.
So it's like all the role playing, you can be whoever you want in role play but this
is when you try to like do something.
Like if you try to steal something, you try to talk to someone, like persuade them, you
(40:34):
try to deceive somebody, you try to kick down a door.
So you're saying deceive somebody so if me and JJ playing with each other and I'm like
you wanna come through this door, I'm trying to deceive him but he's gonna know because
I'm gonna say that, right?
I thought we were on the same team.
You're on the same team as JJ.
So those deception stuff, those skills don't really work on each other.
(40:59):
Those are to use on the NPCs basically.
Oh I forgot there's NPCs.
So Mike Vart, Mark is gonna be all the people you guys interact with.
You can interact with each other but you don't like, yeah.
Like if you're lying to JJ, he can just decide whether or not he knows you're lying or not.
(41:20):
You know?
It wouldn't make any sense because we're on the same team.
I thought we were all playing against each other.
If you're like trying to lie to like say a guard that saw you guys being sketchy and
you're trying to lie to him, you would roll a check.
You would roll a d20 and add your deception which would be like plus seven if you're trying
to play a sneaky, lying character.
Yeah.
(41:41):
Okay.
So then you add the number to it and then Mark will tell you if it'd be the DC or not
which is the difficulty class.
It's just like a set number that you gotta beat.
He would know all that shit.
Yeah, he's gonna be doing that for us.
Yeah, he's gonna be doing, all you have to worry about is you and your character and
he's doing everything else.
I do that at work, said I'm plus 20 strength, is that good?
I swear to God, this is real.
(42:05):
I'm being dead serious.
You mean it would be, you mean you have 20 strength?
He's saying you're plus 20 strength in D&D.
That's what he, I don't know what that means.
He was lifting something.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah, that's a thing.
Is it good?
Yeah, that's good.
20 is good?
Yeah, 20 is good.
Yeah, having a 20, the 20 is the highest your skill, your strength can be.
(42:31):
Well, I mean, he said it.
That's right.
It balances out his strength.
But it would be plus, but it would be plus five to your attack by having a 20 in strength.
Okay.
Okay.
What do you think Brandon's stats would be?
(42:52):
Brandon's got a 20 in charisma.
Thank you.
100%.
Yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
But what is his fault?
Oh, man, where'd I start?
You don't seem very dexterous.
What is that?
Is dexterous, is that the word?
Oh yeah, dexterity, yeah.
Dexterity?
Yeah.
Dextress.
Yeah, there's an R there.
Dextress?
Yeah, you don't seem very, are you fast?
Yes, yeah, I'm a fast guy.
Man, I'm not gonna lie to y'all.
You're a fast runner?
(43:12):
Yes, I am.
You're a fast runner?
Yes, I am.
We raced once earlier.
You guys got me.
We raced and he failed me.
Yeah, I failed, but that's because I was doing a dumb wrestling.
You failed your dexterity check.
What is that?
What the hell is this?
Is that a test for dexterous?
Yes.
Yeah, you got like a negative.
That's exactly what that was.
No, dexterous was one of your classmates.
(43:33):
No, it wasn't, special ed, no?
Making fun of the disabled.
No.
You gonna let that ride?
Let what ride?
Making fun of your people.
Brandon, we're on the same team.
(43:53):
Oh, what, are you on special ed too?
What's going on?
You said we're on the same team.
But in Dungeons and Dragons.
Oh, in Dungeons and Dragons.
Yeah, in Dungeons and Dragons, you guys would be in the same party.
Yeah, you guys would be in the same party.
You guys would be in the same party.
You guys would be in the same party.
You guys would be in the same party.
You're an adventuring party.
So I'm clearly the muscle, so you gotta be the brains like an elf or something.
(44:13):
Elf?
You gotta be an elf.
I thought they were good at magic.
So what would I be?
Do you wanna do magic?
I don't know.
So do you get to pick like the races?
You get to pick a race?
You get to pick a class?
Is there a set list that you pick from?
Yeah, sure.
Do the 2020 finalists pick you?
Yeah, sure.
Do the 2020 finalists pick you?
Yeah, sure.
Do the 2020 finalists pick you?
Yeah, sure.
Do the 2020 finalists pick you?
Do the 2024...
2024...
Oh, 2024?
(44:34):
2024.
Uh-huh.
D&D.
D&D.
Uh, character creation.
Oh, character creation.
What would that be like?
A Redguard?
Character builder.
The Skyrim, but yeah, exactly.
It's right here on the...
You could actually do...
It's right there.
That's what I love about it.
Video games have already done so many concepts to y'all that y'all...
Is this it right here?
Yeah, that's the character sheet.
But you can actually do...
I'm gonna go with the character sheet.
I'm gonna go with the character sheet.
I'm gonna go with the character sheet.
(44:55):
I'm gonna go with the character sheet.
I'm gonna go with the character sheet.
I'm gonna go with the character sheet.
Yeah, you would pick a race, you would pick a class.
This looks like a...
Races.
Races.
In the newest edition of the Player's Handbook, they kind of updated, they kind of simplified
the races.
(45:15):
So it's like humans.
We got all...
You got elves.
You got dwarves.
You got halflings, which are like hobbits.
They just can't call them hobbits legally because they got sued by Tolkien.
But the halflings, you got gnomes.
Ooh, that's...
Which are also tiny, also small boys.
No, you got gnomes and halflings are the tiny boys.
(45:38):
You got an orc.
I'm an orc too.
Just a big dumbass.
You can be a big...
Yeah, I am a big dumbass.
You should be an orc barbarian.
So much fun.
What's a barbarian part of it?
Barbarian is you're a tank, you're made of fucking hit points.
You have a rage ability that you pretty much go into.
Let's go, dude.
I'm a fucking orc barbarian.
(45:59):
At the beginning of every combat, you basically want to be like, I want to go into rage.
Because when you rage, you do extra damage.
You can do a thing called reckless attack, which gives you advantage to hit, which is
you roll two dice.
Reckless driving.
There we go.
You do extra damage.
(46:19):
Oh, you take less damage.
Any piercing or regular weapon damage is going to be divided in half against you.
And you have a lot of hit points.
You reduce damage by half.
You're made to take all the arrows and shit and run in people's faces and chop them in
half with an axe.
No bullshit.
This is perfect.
Yeah.
That is what I used to do.
(46:39):
You guys want me to make you all characters?
I'll assign you all characters right now.
I used to do that shit when I was younger.
They used to send me into the fight and I had to fight the big guy first.
Hell yeah.
Dude, you won't fucking die ever.
You run in and beat the- Yeah, that's what I did.
I swear to God.
I will go into- Yeah, that's me.
You won't be good at anything else.
No, I don't need to.
You won't be good at anything else.
(46:59):
You guys called me when you were in the fight.
Okay, so this is a nerd thing, but from a role play perspective, you get to role play
kind of a big dumbass.
You're a big strong dumbass.
Hell yeah.
You don't even have to role play.
Perfect.
You're already there.
In real life, this is a drunk driver.
Hell yeah.
This is a drunk driver.
This is.
You survive the crash because it loosens them up.
(47:21):
They do a lot of damage.
They do a lot of damage.
Fuck yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
They instantly get mad.
It's everybody else's fault.
100%.
Love that.
It's awesome.
Hell yeah.
All right, so we got Orc Barbarian.
What do you want to do?
You want to be sneaky?
You want magic?
We need somebody who's going to have some knowledge.
Hell yeah.
Do you want to be like... All right, one of my favorite classes is the bard.
(47:48):
Bard's fun.
What's a bard?
All right, so a bard is like a minstrel.
You have a... What the fuck?
You talking about a black character with the red whisk?
No, they play an instrument.
They follow heroes around and they play an instrument and they're funny.
They're charismatic.
They're handsome.
They have spell casting that they play with their music.
(48:08):
That's me all day.
They perform.
They're the best at lying.
They're the best at anything you want to.
You can kind of fill any hole of the party by being the best.
You can be the best at lying.
You can be the best at talking people into things.
You can be the best at stealing.
You can be the sneaky... You can play whatever instrument you want.
(48:31):
Make up a fun character, a fun idea.
He's handsome.
He wants to go on an adventure though and take a risk.
You're a good support character.
You guys will be a monster combo.
A bard and a barbarian?
Dude, you just pick spells that you think sound fun and that you think will make him
stronger.
(48:51):
I already got it now, dude.
I'm going to play the triangle.
It's going to be the dark triad of traits of serial killers.
We're going to have animal murder, pyro setting fires, and I don't remember what the other
one is.
Lack of empathy.
It's shitting your pants.
Shitting your pants.
Shitting your pants and not feeling bad about it.
Now what's this do on the triangle?
(49:11):
You got to hit it and that happens?
Yeah.
Okay.
So what do you want to do the triangle?
You can be a healer.
Like an EMT.
Oh, you're an EMT?
You can do a cleric.
Hell yeah.
Explain to him what that is because he doesn't know.
Please.
Clerics are usually they're religious characters.
They wear heavy armor but you can pick any god.
(49:33):
It's the way to vest.
Yeah, it's the way to vest a carry around.
You specialize.
You can be a- I am special.
There's different paths in clerics but they're the best healers.
They're armored and they've got some cool spells and stuff.
Holy powers.
They can- zombies.
If you guys run against anything that's undead, cleric is going to have like-
I respect that.
(49:54):
Okay, so then, so you guys, so you fucking cast spells on a lot of people so we don't
have to get in the shit.
And if we do get in the shit, you throw me in there, I'll fuck them up and you heal me
if I get fucked up.
Yeah, yeah.
I like this.
I'm special.
That's a great, that's a great squad.
Are there preset spells and stuff?
Yes.
Okay.
Who presets them?
(50:14):
Um.
What, you just gotta look them up?
You can look them up.
Make sure Mark Braille does all of this.
Please, Mark.
You may have to buy a digital copy of the book, which is honestly worth it.
He asked for.
There's no way he doesn't have every edition.
But you can do D&D Beyond.
D&D Beyond?
And then it'll walk you through every stage of making your character.
(50:39):
But you can also-
No, dude.
You can also get Hope to fucking beat his ass.
We should get Hope to make us visual representation of the character.
Yes.
Oh yeah, you're Harold, the guitar hero controller.
Who's Hope?
Did you see what she did with us right there?
She did.
She did us that art right there.
She made me colorful.
Yeah, she could definitely draw your party.
And she's hilarious.
That would be sick.
Good singer.
And she probably plays D&D.
(51:00):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm sure.
Yeah, dude.
You guys are gonna have a blast playing.
That's a pretty good team.
Yeah.
I'm down.
Hell yeah.
Thanks for hooking us up.
Hell yeah.
Oh man.
Pretty good.
We might fucking beat the great.
I'm not gonna say it.
I'm not gonna say it.
I'm not gonna say it.
It's gotta be good.
But JJ, you're gonna have to change that instrument, man.
(51:23):
Triangle, I'm telling you, the triangle player, that's a dark fucking road.
You don't want to do that.
I don't know.
I had a mental breakdown playing the triangle, man.
You don't want to play the triangle.
What happened?
What happened?
I never told anybody about this, man.
I don't think you told it on here.
Oh man, I played percussion.
You played sleigh ride with a wooden clapper.
Do that in the show.
You played sleigh ride with a wooden clapper?
Do they have me play everything?
They have me play the clapper, the triangle, that big ass drum, the bass drum, the snare
(51:47):
drum.
What happened?
Okay, so this is the first time that I feel like, because they did pull me into class
shortly afterwards.
I had to talk to my mom right there thinking about how special.
I had a mental breakdown for the first time in my life.
So I was playing triangle.
Everybody used to always joke on me.
And they'd be like, Brandon, man, yeah, that triangle shit.
And laugh at me.
And then one day I just had it and I was like, that's fucking it.
(52:09):
And I threw the triangle on the ground and I ran into the sound room and I went off.
And you heard me in there.
I was like breathing hard and I just yelled and everybody's like, damn, man.
So then the lunch room, everybody lined up and I'm like, I'm sorry, Brandon, you okay,
buddy?
And everybody just tapped me on the back.
I went off.
(52:29):
They was there for you though.
You said, I'm tired of this shit.
Yeah, I was like, I'm tired of this shit.
And I threw the triangle on the ground.
You say that, everybody wants to be your friend.
Yeah.
And then, no, they thought I was special, man.
Like a dude last week.
Yeah, that too.
Like a dude last week told me on the wrestling team, he was like, yeah, bro, you know I had
to become your friend because the coach told me to.
(52:50):
They saw you were too awkward.
So I just wanted to help you out.
And then we became best buds.
Like we're bros right now.
He was like, man, I realize you're a cool ass dude.
See?
What, man?
Damn.
Somebody takes the time to get to know you.
I know.
He didn't have to.
He could have been like, fuck that weird ass kid.
(53:11):
But no, he's like, let me go over there and try to see what's his potential.
And we became bros, man.
We were eating that steak and shit.
The coach did give him an NIL deal.
He did give him.
But.
Yeah.
He did tell.
He did.
He was like, yeah, he put me up to it.
Coach, you know what was up though.
He knew you needed it, right?
Oh yeah.
He was like, that dude is weird as hell, man.
Go try to talk to him.
He's too...
(53:31):
He's too good to beat you up.
No.
No, no.
That dude was crazy, man.
He peed on somebody, bro.
He was like, I whooped his ass and peed on him in the parking lot.
Which I respect.
You gotta do what you gotta do.
He casted the spell on him, man.
Which I respect.
What'd they call it?
That golden shower?
(53:52):
Yeah.
Damn, bro.
I don't think.
I'm not going to say his name, man.
I don't know.
Well, just to be clear, golden shower doesn't usually include whipping their ass first.
Yeah, that was wild as hell.
Yeah, golden shower.
I think they both wanted a golden shower.
This dude, man.
What's that called?
A golden shower?
Somebody beats your ass and pisses on you?
It's a golden...
(54:13):
Pretty much.
Consensual, it sounds like.
That's the Armenian golden shower.
Ooh, what's the Armenian, man?
It's a race.
It's a race in D&D.
Oh, okay, cool.
Let me beat RDN, whatever the fuck you call it.
Beat who?
RDN?
Yeah, they're like flying birds.
Ooh.
But the orcs don't recognize them.
Hey, man, I've never been in the sky.
(54:37):
You never taken a plane?
Well, I mean, I did when I was an infant, but I don't remember that.
You don't remember if you get on a plane?
I wouldn't get on one right now.
Hell no, I wouldn't get on one right now.
Everybody can't.
I saw the one where the engine just cut out.
Nah, bro.
I'm taking the bus.
I refuse.
I refuse, man.
You still got to fly, man.
I'm going to retire.
I'm doing my last flight.
(54:58):
I'm a fucking foreigner in our presidency here.
Ooh, yeah.
I'm tired of this.
Look, I'm tired of fucking these fucking nerds becoming bullies.
I'm sick of it.
And you know what?
It's your fault, America.
Yes, it is.
Because in my day, in my day, you know what we would have did to Elon Musk?
We would have fucking poured goddamn toilet water on his head before second period.
(55:19):
This is what we would have fucking did.
You know when you're talking about bullying people?
You don't bully the small guy.
He's just trying to, you know, he had his growth spurt.
He's just trying to fit in.
No, you don't bully him.
You bully the guy that hides his fucking answers when you're trying to cheat off the test.
It's like dude, it's fucking algebra.
Nobody needs that shit.
So anyway.
Amen.
(55:40):
Exactly.
I couldn't agree more.
Right?
And if they would have bullied him in school, he wouldn't be like this.
Exactly.
Look at me.
Right?
The fuck?
Yes.
And you're a perfect example.
Fuck, I took that shit like a fucking man.
Nah, I am a man.
Tell them.
Shit.
Goddamn Africans.
They can't, I'm tired of them.
Africans.
Oh, well, man.
All of them.
(56:01):
All of them, man.
Well.
Most of them.
This guy.
Couple of others.
What time is it, Alex?
I tell you, it is 616.
It's 616.
Let's not say that too quick.
Huh?
Oh, I was just saying 616.
Tookie Williams.
Tookie Williams?
Who is that?
Tookie?
Tookie.
Let me search that up.
Should I?
Isn't that Mike Sales' cousin?
(56:22):
Tookie Tuan?
Tookie Williams.
Look at this guy, man.
Ooh.
Oh my God.
Okay, I don't know why the fuck I said it like that, but I was trying to bait.
I know this man.
I don't suppose I have anything to plug.
Nah, you got something, man.
Catch you in Austin.
I can put your socials out.
(56:43):
Oh, yeah.
Catch me in Austin.
I host Main Course Comedy.
We do them like three a month.
Check out maincoursecomedy.com.
I host that regularly.
What else?
I want to get the podcast back going.
Spooky fun time.
Go watch those ten old episodes.
(57:05):
Yeah, they were good.
And then I think that's it.
Cartoon you just voiced.
Oh!
What?
I just, well, I mean there's stuff.
I just don't have anything that's like fun.
I did like a, I've done an audition that went well.
I'm doing some short film stuff.
Hell yeah.
I'm grinding my little tits off.
(57:26):
What was the thing?
Oh yeah, and then Zach, my friend Zach wrote a cartoon, Zach Hedrick, wrote a cartoon.
It's called The Brood and I'm one of the leads in that.
We're going to, at the end of March, we're going to Tampa.
I guess that's a good thing to plug.
What is that?
We're going to be, yeah, it's going to be in Tampa at the end of March.
(57:53):
Where is the side splitter show?
I'll just put Tampa I guess on all those dates.
It's ending in March at some point.
Either the 20th, sometime between the 25th and the 30th is when I'm going to be in Tampa.
But we're going to show the cartoon and then we're doing sets.
So it's going to be fun.
Hey, oh that's bad.
Yeah, I think it's going to be at side splitters, that one.
(58:13):
But I don't know.
Zach planned the whole tour.
I got a ticket and I'm going.
Thanks for coming on, bro.
Thank you, man.
Thank you guys so much for having me.
I love you.
Love you too, man.
Now we got to go to a fucking show.
Hey, go hairline this motherfucker.
We got hairliners on here, cuz.
I'm going to go show my ass.
Hell yeah, go out there, show, eat ass, live life, do what you got to do, bro.
I didn't mean to bring this up, Dom, but Pat's out there.
Oh yeah.
I walked in and Pat was like, y'all.
I'm going to go show my ass.
(58:48):
I'm going to go show my ass.
(59:16):
I hate Scrappy Doo.
This week on Clown College.
(00:08):
But JJ, you're gonna have to change that instrument, man.
Triangle, I'm telling you, as a triangle player, that's a dark road.
You don't want to do it.
I don't know.
I had a mental breakdown playing the triangle, man.
You don't want to play the triangle.
What happened?
What happened?
I never told anybody about this man.
I don't think you told it on here.
(00:28):
Welcome to Clown College.
We have profound knowledge in many ways to elevate and make your sound polished.
So if you want to hear a little honest, few takes on a ways to make it as a comic,
then stick around for a while to fit down to Clown.
We got the guests right now just to show you how.
Let's all go to Clown College, baby.
It's with Brandon, Willis, Don, and JJ.
(00:53):
Let's all go to Clown College, baby.
It's with Brandon, Willis, Don, and JJ.
Hey.
You know what else leads to early onset dementia that I've read is like,
(01:28):
I don't know if this is true.
But I read once that relying on your GPS too much could lead to early dementia.
No way.
Because you're not using the navigation portion of your brain.
You're just letting something else do it.
Yeah.
We're fucked.
But I don't know how that gets from A to B.
(01:50):
It gets from that to dementia.
I think that's right because I work where I have to drive and I 100% use my GPS.
Now I do this every day for a year, go to the same spot.
And some places I need a GPS even though I've been there so many times.
I am very reliant on my GPS.
You are?
Yeah, it's bad.
I mean, I've lived in Austin for two years.
I still use it all the time.
But it's a big city too.
(02:13):
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
How long does it take you like to go from like where you're at to where you need to go?
Oh.
But most places like an average.
I mean, from where I live, the cool thing about the Austin comedy scene is
from where I live to downtown is 10 minutes.
But then once I'm parked downtown, I within walking distance of the comedy mothership,
(02:39):
Sunset Strip, The Creek in the Cave, Black Rabbit, all these like there's shows at the Yupp Lounge,
Vulcan Gas Company.
Like there's all these places within walking distance.
And then, you know, you got to scoot away for if you like the scoot.
I like a scoot.
(03:00):
You got to put the scooters that they have.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
You like the scoots.
I like them.
I won't touch them.
Dude, and my ex-girlfriend shit all over them.
Like she was just like it was cool to hate them because she was like, no, they're still wearing them.
You got to do that.
No, you just got to bend it out.
I've never been on this side of the fucking.
Hey Toot.
What up?
(03:20):
My sweet boy.
What was I talking about?
Hey Zee, the man, the myth, the legend behind this pod.
Motherfucker dumb car.
What was I talking about?
I feel like I was talking about.
You're talking about your ex says she hated something.
Oh, the fucking scooters.
The scooters, yeah.
I'm with her though.
I mean, what do you hate?
Fun?
Do you hate enjoying life?
(03:41):
You hate feeling the wind going through your hair for like $3 if you're just going a couple miles.
And I like it.
Sometimes I get downtown late.
I got to get to Sunset Strip in like four minutes.
I could park at the bridge and sprint.
Yeah, that is true.
Or Marty McFly that motherfucker.
(04:01):
I could get a scoot.
I get a scoot.
I'm there.
You know, I feel the wind in my hair right before I go in.
That's just a bonus.
But I love a scooter.
It's dangerous.
You're going to feel concrete in your side of the face.
No, I'm good.
I've never wrecked one.
But have you seen people wreck them though?
I've never.
Really?
No.
(04:21):
That's actually crazy.
But my friend, I have a friend who has a friend.
Like everybody knows somebody who like knocked theirself the fuck out on one, you know?
Yeah.
But it's never happened to me.
I'm agile though.
I'm light.
You know?
Like a feather.
I'm like a feather.
I'm zoned in.
Dude, I'm mindful because I've wrecked things my whole life.
(04:43):
That's like what I've done.
I had this scar.
Shit Dom.
Sorry.
Fuck that camera.
Oh damn.
That was tight.
You see how fucking fast my reaction is.
That was pretty cool.
You need to show that.
You need to edit in that.
Yeah, that film in man.
No, that would put a cool effect on it.
Damn.
So Dom, what do you think is the leading reason you're worried about these scooters and riding them?
(05:07):
Well, because if you can walk it, you might as well because you got too many factors.
It's on two wheels.
You got to balance yourself.
And then you got people who just walk out.
You know?
If everybody's not paying attention, so you're not just driving for yourself.
You drive for everybody else.
Well, that's for sure.
But you take it easy.
I take alleyways all the way from I park for free under this bridge.
(05:29):
It sounded creepier.
They did start.
They did start ticketing it recently.
Damn.
If you left your shit or what?
Under the bridge.
Yeah, it's where I've been parking ever since I moved there.
Two years I've been parking there for free and they started ticketing comics and shit.
Or trolls.
Well, anyway, I got in the fucking I get on the scoot and I can get to work all the way through alleyways going full blast.
(05:54):
I just have to like check my shit at Rhodes.
Obviously, the guy breaks.
I take it easy.
I don't nobody's ever in the alleyway and I go.
I mean, I make it to sunset from that bridge by creaking the cave to sunset strip in like four minutes.
Four minutes.
Damn.
Hold on.
That's not that far.
(06:15):
Oh, I mean, yeah, but it's like eight minute walk.
It's an eight minute walk.
Probably.
Yeah, actually, you're right.
And I'm probably getting there quicker than four minutes.
It's like it's no time.
I get what you're saying.
You can bounce out.
Yeah, it's an eight minute scoot.
Sometimes you and then whipping from spot to spot.
Some of the clubs are a little further away like East Austin and but they're Roscoe's comedy club.
(06:41):
Great clubs are there and they're a little bit of a walk.
Grab a scooter.
Get a scooter.
Yeah, I'll get dude.
Put away your pride.
If you think you're too cool for a scooter, you're not too cool for a scooter.
Go fuck yourself.
Yeah, it's so much for you.
Hate like you don't enjoy life.
Enjoy something.
Sure.
You might crack your head open.
Don't do it drunk.
(07:01):
And if you're wondering what a scooter looks like.
Yeah, that's my favorite one right at a raise.
That's not that's not what you know that we're not.
Hold on.
Brandon.
Is this what you thought we were?
Did I did this entire time?
This is what you thought we were talking about.
Yeah, this is why I used to ride the Razor scooter.
So we were talking about those.
Have you ever seen those electric scooters?
(07:23):
Yeah, put that in.
You scan the QR code with the app and then it's like, all right, get your ass to work.
You can just drop it off and then you just drop it anywhere.
Take a picture of it going to work.
Wait, like this one?
Yeah, it's not like that.
Oh, bird. Oh, bird. Okay. Let me search a bird.
I actually use lime, but yeah, bird like that.
(07:46):
Yeah, like that.
Oh, shit.
It's like solar power.
So they're just all over the streets in Austin.
You can just QR code scan one.
They're so convenient.
Getting from when you got five, dude, there are comics doing five spots in a night, you know, in Austin.
And just like this guy.
And if you don't know, if you're in Austin, hop your ass on a scooter.
(08:06):
Follow Brent Reed. Find out where he's at.
Dude, this guy's amazing.
When I went, we just went down to Austin the other day, saw him hosting.
He's everywhere.
Fucking go see him.
Hell yeah.
Thanks, man. Thanks, buddy.
Yeah, it's been fun.
It's been fun.
But yeah, the scooter is...
Back to the...
I'm just kidding.
We can talk about something else.
That was an autistic rant on the scooter.
(08:29):
I was just trying to let people know who you are.
I'm so high.
I'm very high.
I don't normally talk about scooters for 45 minutes.
It means he's high in life because he's glad to be back in Huntsville.
We have Brent Reed, everybody.
Brent Reed, make some noise.
Do the clap.
Yay.
That only we can hear.
Nose is running.
Yeah, you need something?
Oh, don't let Dante hear you.
(08:49):
There we go.
We'll get it.
You want me to get a...
I'll get a tissue?
It'll be fine.
Yeah.
Get you right.
I look like a psycho.
We're gonna cut this part.
(09:27):
Come over here.
Come over here.
Damn.
You know I got to come over here.
All right.
My name is Brandon Willis and this is the PSA.
(09:49):
You know, 15 to 10% of Americans like to go on in their butt ass naked and just sit in the bathroom with the doors unlocked and shit.
Right?
So you just slide on in, right?
And you know, let me tell you something.
That shit ain't right.
I feel like it's wrong as hell.
Look what the fuck happened to him.
He walked in there.
I walked in there.
And now look, I had to stab the fuck out of him.
(10:10):
Stab the shit out of him.
It was sad.
It was hard.
I didn't want to do it, but guess what?
It was a man called, bruh.
I had to go up in there, shank him, stab him.
Because guess what, man?
You can't come in my house.
Man, you come in there butt naked and shit.
I mean, hey, man, that's all right to do, but lock the door.
And he didn't lock the door.
So kids, guess what, man? I'm sorry.
I know you in school traumatizing and shit, but guess what?
Lock your fucking doors.
(10:31):
But this will be you, man.
All of that.
Bloody hands for no reason.
So good night.
Go kiss your parents.
Do whatever you got to do.
I'm out.
Thank you for the tow up, baby.
(10:52):
I said this is a Pro Hitler podcast on multiple occasions.
You can say anything you want on here.
Hell yeah.
It's been wild.
And I watched it back and said, I probably
shouldn't have said that.
And then Alex made a short cut of it.
I made a super cut.
We'll watch it after.
We'll watch it after.
And it's great.
Really good.
He says it like a lot.
You'll just have to see it.
(11:12):
Fans of the pot and all.
In context, it's still just as bad.
It's not any better.
It's not any better.
It's actually probably worse.
Yeah, I cut out details explaining.
But the Jews are cool.
Yeah.
Hey, Dom, that makes you feel better on my way to work earlier.
There was this dude, and he kept doing like the How Hitler
sign because dog, like his puppy.
(11:34):
It's like the whole time I was at a stoplight,
and he just kept doing it.
And how you feel about Hitler?
I hate him.
I think he's horrible.
He's pretty, yeah, he was a fucking loser.
Piece of shit.
He was a fucking dweeb.
Exactly.
And he only had one ball.
Or his ball was inside of him.
We don't know.
He lost his testicle.
Mm-hmm.
He's a bad, very, very bad.
(11:55):
He's a britch.
I just want to make sure everybody knows.
I said he was bad.
So look, we do a show Dave Allina puts on the show called
Hack and Forth, right?
It's like Kill Tony.
OK.
And then he was like, it's in Langston, Alabama.
Now, I'm not from Alabama.
Are you familiar with Langston, Alabama?
I'm not familiar with Langston.
So it's past Gunnersville.
(12:16):
Me and Brandon walked in.
Yes.
Hey, the only ones.
Only two.
The only ones until you take a deep breath.
It's me, Brandon, and this guy.
You take a deep breath.
Like, OK.
So I'm not going to do anything I thought I was going to do.
So I get up there.
And I do almost like I'm going to just do the I'm German and black.
Right?
I say I'm German and black.
Somebody in the back goes, Hill Hitler.
(12:39):
No way.
I swear to God.
He goes Hill Hitler.
And I go, never heard that.
You know, I've never heard anybody say that.
But immediate, I got so scared.
I'm just thinking, we got to get out of here.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, we have to be able to leave.
So then.
Somebody, holy shit.
Not only Hill Hitler, but did the.
What's the craziest thing you can think of for someone to heckle?
(13:03):
That's the craziest one.
Then he's doing the salute.
The rest of the night, if you think something's funny, he does the salute.
Mm-hmm.
Is it some white dude?
So I'll give you this.
The median age there was 76.
And he was one of the young guys.
And he was 60.
You know what I mean?
Like, that's how this room was.
So it's like 30 to 40 of older people.
(13:24):
Yes.
And then he was the young guy, but he was still like 55, 60.
And then afterwards, he was like, hey, we're the.
It's him and his boy.
He's like, hey, we're the Hill Hitler guys.
I was like, hey.
It was like, hey, what's up?
He was like, he was like, yeah, we I lived in Germany for 10 years.
I did this.
And then he's like, he's like, hey, we don't even like Hitler.
I'm like, yeah, me neither.
(13:45):
Yeah, that was.
Dude, that's crazy.
I swear to God.
That was terrible.
That's crazy.
Lex and I will be coming back this February.
I thought for sure that was going to end with them being actual Nazis.
And they're like, we're just fucking around.
Yeah.
We just like to say that.
That was worse.
That's nuts.
That's not where I thought that.
(14:07):
JJ!
JJ, man, how you?
What's going on?
I'm doing phenomenal.
You recovered?
Hell yeah, man.
So JJ's walking in right now.
What up, baby?
He used to tell us about that.
How you doing, though?
Did you shit your pants?
I did, yeah.
There were some technical issues.
I was driving over here and I was just thinking, wow.
(14:31):
Not a good place for it.
Yeah, I was staring at that door.
I was looking out for you, bro.
I was looking out for you.
Might have a hit there?
Well, I'm sorry you filled your drawers up.
It's all right, man.
So what happened?
What did you eat?
What's going on?
So I actually moved out today.
(14:52):
Shout out.
The boy's on his own.
Two other dudes.
Two other comics?
Regular ass people.
An engineer and a guy that owns a car.
That's great.
That's good.
That's who you need to live with.
You don't need to live with comics.
(15:13):
It's like clean, but the first day I shit myself and they're like, oh.
Oh, you had to go back.
Yeah, I had to go back all the way back.
Were you in shorts like that?
Yeah.
Damn, man.
Hold on, so you got shit on your seat.
No, no.
I drove like there's a little thing right, because this is my friend.
If an engineer shits their pants, they're like, oh, I'm going to go to the bathroom.
Because this is my friend right there.
(15:35):
If an engineer shits their pants, they take away their engineering license.
They don't do that.
I bet that blew his mind.
He's like, all right, we might have to start watching this guy.
Now they're suspicious of you.
It was like disgust.
He shit his pants the other day.
Was it bad, bad?
I'm not sure if I can trust him.
It wasn't terrible.
(15:56):
It wasn't terrible?
No.
It's never ideal, but it could have been a lot worse.
Was it hard or what?
It was like, I don't know, it was like a different state of matter.
It wasn't like hard, no.
Clay?
When I took my pants off and I look at the stain, it was almost like a perfect oval.
(16:18):
Really?
Really yellow.
Almost like a baby.
You still laid an egg.
Damn, man.
I ate some Chipotle too.
Man, this is gross.
This is the grossest conversation I've ever been in on.
This is wild.
No, I'm just acknowledging what it is.
I'm not saying I'm not enjoying it.
(16:39):
So how's Austin in living the life?
Fucking speaking of gross, speaking of gross and smells like poop.
It's a...
Human feces.
Yeah, dude.
I don't know that I would live there if it wasn't for the comedy.
I know that I wouldn't.
If comedy stopped there tomorrow, they were like, by the way, it's all outlawed in Austin.
(17:00):
I would leave.
Obviously.
There would be no reason.
I mean, I guess that's a lot of us.
That might have been a dumb sentence.
But you know what I'm saying?
I don't like the city.
I like the scene.
I saw your girlfriend run into Tom Segura's car, man.
That was fucked up.
My girlfriend?
Yeah, dude.
Who's my girlfriend?
That lady in that video that hit his car.
(17:22):
No.
We'll see.
Just some lady?
Did y'all see that?
No.
No.
And like he's having a verbal...
I thought you were like, it was a person that you knew of.
Me too.
I was like, where are you from?
I thought it was like an ex-girlfriend or something.
And you knew something.
(17:43):
It's that video on the top left, man.
Oh, I did see that.
Right up here.
Let's see.
I did not see that.
Oh, yeah.
See it is like forced GT3, man.
Oh, and he hit the...
What is that?
(18:06):
A Porsche?
Yeah.
Damn.
Tom's bad.
Good taste.
Look at her.
He was like, you dumb bitch.
She ends up driving away.
No.
Yeah, she drives away.
But they got like a picture of her license plate and put it on the internet.
Holy shit.
So you know that lady's getting attacked, dude.
She probably doesn't have insurance.
(18:28):
And what insurance is going to cover...
I mean, yeah.
Oh my God.
What was he driving?
A Porsche.
Some kind of Porsche.
Probably not.
You know, this motherfucker's big money now, man.
GT3.
And he was double parked, by the way.
And that poor fucking lady.
Oh, man.
(18:50):
I mean, but you know, he knows this.
Nobody can feel sorry for you.
You have a Porsche and it's going to get fixed and you have a lot of money.
Yeah.
And that people are being mean as shit to that lady.
They're just fucking bad.
Damn.
She had a bad day.
It's okay.
Yeah.
We all hit cars.
Maybe she has a bad car or something.
(19:10):
I don't know.
I just said...
What did you just say?
We all hit cars.
It happens.
Somebody taps a car once in a time.
It's okay.
And then leaves, right?
Hell yeah.
Tap the car in the police station, man.
That's the police station, man.
Tap the car.
Said it was a sidewalk.
We took off.
Oh yeah, I do remember that story.
Yeah.
That was at the police station.
Yes, it was.
What was at the police station?
We tapped the car.
We all did.
(19:31):
And then went to the police station?
Yeah, but thankfully there was no dance.
No dance.
Did you get out and look or you just left?
I just left.
I just left.
I just left.
I just left.
I just left.
Did you get out and look or you just left?
I mean, I looked back and I was like, damn, bro, that's the sidewalk, man.
So he said no dance on his car.
At the police station.
I looked back.
I looked back.
I was like, okay, that car's good.
Because I was like, if there was a dent, I would stay.
But I was like, no, there's no dent.
(19:52):
I can't believe this happened at the police station.
You never got a call.
No, nobody...
And then the cops came and got you?
How did you end up at the police station?
Oh, no.
No, I just left and got a gun permit.
He was getting a gun permit.
Yeah.
Hit a car at the police station parking lot and then left.
Tapped it.
I didn't.
We tapped it, we tapped it, called it the sidewalk, called it the dent.
Whoa.
It's okay though.
(20:13):
Nobody got injured.
Yeah.
No, nobody got dent it.
Good job, man.
Thank you, man.
This is hypothetically.
This is a silly fun joke.
This is me joking around.
I'm not serious.
If anybody thinks I'm serious, I'm not serious.
This is a silly fun joke.
And then when I hit that trash can, man, this ain't real.
It's still there.
If you go to this college and look at it, it's fucked up.
Good save, man.
We've shown a photo of it.
(20:37):
I did?
Yeah, we did.
Damn, bro.
Oh, shit.
Never taste better than that, man.
Man, that was years ago though.
That's all right.
Fake.
Brandon, you are perfect.
Thank you, man.
You too.
You been watching Rasslin'?
Dude, I love Rasslin'.
I love Rasslin'.
You know what's crazy?
(20:58):
I keep watching Rasslin', then I end up going back to the old Rasslin' like in 1992 with
Roddy Piper.
Yeah.
I like watching the old stuff too.
Me too.
I'm trying to get it.
I went and saw WWU Smackdown when they came to Austin recently.
That's that.
Oh, wow.
It was fucking sick.
We got our seats upgraded and they moved us right by the entrance.
Shut the fuck up.
(21:19):
Damn.
It was sick.
It was like me and eight other comics.
Damn.
There's some more comics, like Hinchcliffe and his squad were on the floor.
It was him and La Mer and Sean Gardini and all those guys.
Oh, wow.
Shane.
They were all on the floor.
(21:40):
Then we're up by the entrance.
It was really cool.
The entrances are badass, but they are loud as fuck.
That's power.
It's pretty cool.
One of my favorites right now is Kevin Owens and this little girl had an autograph book
and she was like, here, sign it.
He walks up and grabs a pen and just fucking throws it.
(22:01):
That's tight.
I might sign honor again.
That's an honor.
Yeah.
Brandon was like, that's cooler than the-
Yes, that's the guy right there.
This is my-
Yeah, he's fun.
My man right there, man.
He's good.
Do they put on a show for you though?
He does a gomish.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was sick.
It was a cool show.
I love wrestling.
I was like, of course, I'm like 20, not of course, I'm a bad, near the entrance around
(22:23):
2011.
Dude, I got to give our truth a handshake.
Kelly Kelly came up and hugged me.
I was like 10.
Okay.
You're getting the feel of that.
And dude, yes, I'm a kid, man.
I can do that.
Yeah.
So you grabbed ass.
I think so, man.
I got a good hug.
I was like, this is all I'm getting for a while.
I'm getting a nice good hug.
(22:44):
One funny thing happened at the end of that SmackDown.
Cody Rhodes, so like Hinchcliffe was there.
Cody Rhodes at the end was like, give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe.
And he got kind of like some booze and like, he got some pop and like some booze.
And then he goes, give it up for Gabriel Iglesias.
The crowd goes fucking nuts.
(23:06):
And they're chanting, fluffy, fluffy, fluffy.
It is fluffy though.
It was sick.
That's a different level.
It was so funny.
I don't think he might not have gotten that.
I might have heard like a boo.
He might not have gotten like booed, booed, but it was just like, it was like a mixed
applause.
Some people knew who he was.
Some people were like trolling or whatever.
(23:28):
Yeah, but Gabriel Iglesias is on a different level than 99% of.
I worked sound for him the night on Christmas night in Austin, Texas.
He headlined at Sunset Strip College.
Oh shit.
Wow.
And I think his ticket price was like up there.
(23:51):
Like it was like, it was like an intimate, I can't remember.
For that room to have him, that's a great show because I mean, he's playing, if he wants
to play a theater arena.
I don't remember how much they were.
I mean, it was like a hundred bucks at least.
That's good.
I'll pay that.
It might have been one or two.
Now two, two is too much.
I'll pay a hundred to see him in that.
That's a lot right there.
And yeah, it was pretty cool.
(24:15):
He did, oh shit.
I used to tell people, I forgot that he did like two hours and 17 minutes of.
What?
Damn.
Yeah.
He did like an hour of material and then did like a 90 minute Q&A.
(24:37):
And people, he would just tell stories.
I mean, it was like super intimate.
It was a long show, but he gave us all money on top of what we were getting paid.
That's tight.
And that's a good dude.
And he servers me.
He took care of everybody and it was a really good show.
Sometimes you get this tail with somebody who's a good goddamn dude.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Always like fluffy.
(24:57):
It was really cool.
He like asked us all to come in there and then was like, thank you guys so much for
working tonight and gave us all, like greased us all.
That's the best thing.
Yeah, dude.
It was pretty cool.
Yeah.
And that's where I saw you hosting.
Brent got me and my boy in for free, dog.
Big dog right here.
Hell yeah.
We get it.
(25:17):
Red band, thank you.
And then one of the weird connection thing, one of the guys that featured for him that
night, I opened for at Stand Up Live Huntsville.
Polar Bear Gonzalez.
Do you guys know this cat?
He's good.
You said you featured for him?
I featured for him two years ago or some shit when he headlined at Stand Up Live Huntsville.
(25:39):
And he was featuring for Gabriel at Sunset.
I'm working sound.
That's great.
I was talking to another comic about it.
It was pretty funny.
It was like, yeah, it's like before I was, you know, I was like hosting and he was headlining.
It's like now he's on the show and I'm working sound.
It's like, you know, sometimes things just stay the same.
(26:07):
Is he funny?
Yeah, he is funny.
He's got a big social media following.
He's Hispanic.
Ooh.
He looks like Tyler Cooper that you were saying, oh, by now.
Yeah.
Very light skinned.
He has like bits about it.
That's why he's called the Polar Bear because he's like, you know, white.
(26:28):
Like a polar bear.
It's like a Canelo Latino.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Canola.
Are those your favorite?
I have to admit there's something about him.
I can't quite put my finger on what it is.
Yeah.
Now I'm with you.
Definitely the white Hispanics are my favorite.
White Hispanics.
Why is there, why you guys leaving me out to dry like this?
(26:52):
Well, you can say it because you're dark.
Yeah, man.
I'm just fucking.
Yeah.
I mean, well, my boy, he's Puerto Rican as shit and brown.
You're bad.
You're Puerto Rican.
I'm not.
What are you?
I'm Pakistani, man.
No.
Yeah.
I'm not from Pakistan.
(27:12):
No.
You are Pakistani?
I'm Pakistani, but my family from there.
I'm sorry I just thought you were fucking with me for a second.
No, their family from there and then they moved.
You didn't say Hail Hitler earlier.
Yeah, but you could say that when you're Pakistani.
True.
Yeah.
That's why you like the Packers.
Yeah, my mom's side.
Because I'm half Pakistani, half German.
That's cool.
Yeah.
It's a cool mix.
So, you know, we do a whole bunch of crazy shit.
That's fun.
(27:33):
But I still eat pork because fuck Allah.
Oh, wait.
Okay.
All right.
Pork is great.
Right?
I'm not going to sit and be a part of a religion that doesn't allow you to eat bacon.
That savory fucking candy of the meats.
Oh my.
God, it's so good.
Hold on.
What are you guys eating for?
Well, because bacon is, I think bacon's overrated a little bit.
(27:57):
I won't even sit here and hear this.
I think it's been marketed well.
I love bacon.
It's that marketing, it's the way it dissolves in your mouth.
Yeah, it's tasty, man.
When you get the fat and meat.
It's marketed well.
It's crispy.
It wasn't even a breakfast food, if not for marketing.
Bread food, stop advertising the job.
I love bacon.
Fuck this thing.
It's outside.
It's abusive.
It's funny that bacon, now their advertisement is just genetics.
You know what I mean?
(28:18):
I'm not going to say that.
I'm just saying that bacon is a good thing.
I'm not going to say that bacon is a good thing.
I'm not going to say that bacon is a good thing.
I'm not going to say that bacon is a good thing.
I'm not going to say that bacon is a good thing.
They've really stepped their game on.
Damn, that's good advertising.
Just make it pass through DNA.
(28:41):
As a baby, just like give me some bacon now.
Please, I need it bad.
Don't they feed you?
I love BLT.
Me too, man.
I love BLT.
That combination just does something.
What, you don't like BLT?
The salt from the bacon on the tomato?
Preferably like a fresh garden tomato.
We'll get sexual in here.
(29:01):
Let's get it.
Throw some black pepper on the tomato.
Yeah.
Let's cancel the show tonight and make BLTs.
I'll text Kim right now and be like, I can't.
Hey Dom, did you see he said he doesn't like BLTs?
You just said you don't like BLTs?
You said you don't like BLTs?
Don't throw me under the bus.
I'm throwing you under the bus.
(29:22):
No, I don't.
Get on his ass.
You talking about you don't like BLTs, man?
What don't you like?
If it's cut bacon.
What don't you like, the tea?
That thick ass bacon.
You don't like the tea?
Bacon's not really my thing.
I'll eat it.
It's good.
But like you, I think it's overrated.
And then tomato, lettuce, you're not doing the bacon any favors.
So what's the best cut of the pork?
(29:43):
The mayonnaise.
Of the pork?
You gotta put mayonnaise on it though.
Come on now.
A little bit of mayonnaise.
Don't overpower it.
Come on.
Light mayo.
Light regular mayo.
Light mayo, man.
You don't wanna overdo that.
Give it too much of that action.
I just see what time it is.
Cause Brent's headlining it, Brent and Friends.
I'm excited.
I probably shouldn't have gotten high.
But.
Nah, you'll be okay.
On life.
Yeah, on life, man.
We are.
(30:04):
Well.
On life and on cocaine.
The only thing I sniff is this oxygen, man.
It's H2O.
And you have the nose for cocaine.
See, yeah.
I've got a few hours until I'm on stage.
Never gonna find out though.
(30:25):
You got what?
I've got a few hours before I'm on stage.
Yeah, cause then you're headlining so you're not going up like.
Yeah, right.
Like soon.
I'll go up at like nine, ten.
You know what beats if you're two buzz on stage?
If you're two buzz on reefers, you drink.
You drink a liquor.
It balances it out and by the time you come down you got a fucking perfect buzz.
(30:47):
Look, we'll take some shots of this Blanco right here.
It's the rock.
You guys saw my wrestling.
This is the last advice Brent was ever giving me.
I'm gonna get really good at it now.
Yeah.
That seems like terrible advice to you.
You think it's terrible.
I'm telling you, dude.
Just do it for ten years straight and then you won't remember it at all.
You remember parts.
(31:08):
The highlights.
Yeah, you remember.
Hey, Brandon's High on Life.
I was at the gym the other day.
Saw Brandon on the Stairmaster weighted vest.
What?
Yeah.
Weighted vest.
I mean it's like a fucking waterslide, dude.
You know how sweaty you are.
I can't imagine.
But dude, he was going insane.
Fucking firefighter flexed them motherfuckers.
God damn it.
(31:29):
Hell yeah, man.
Why you think I've been watching wrestling, man?
That shit motivate me, man.
Yeah, you ready to throw somebody out of a car after they get down the wreck, right?
Fuck yeah.
Powerbomb on the hood.
Hell yeah.
What is that?
It jumps the heart.
Yeah, man.
We jumped that heart.
Get up in there.
Do what we gotta do.
You knew you couldn't do that.
Essentially.
I want to do and see CPR slides in like the ref and just slaps him on the chest.
(31:54):
Ah, man.
Gotta love wrestling, man.
They would beat the living shit out of you if you got in that ring.
Oh, man, dude.
Brandon's been in the ring.
You jumped him before?
No, not jump.
Dude, I didn't know.
Oh, you know.
You talking about jumping in while they're...
Oh yeah, dude.
You jump in, they'll whoop your ass.
Yeah, I meant if you jumped in during a match.
I'm not saying he couldn't do it, couldn't handle wrestling.
(32:16):
Well, he got his ass beat, he had to stop.
But I mean, if you're just a person, and you as a little goof jump in the wrestling ring
during a show, especially these guys that just travel, if you're going to see some wrestling
in Alabama, those guys definitely are going to...
Adam Priest will fuck you up.
Yeah, Adam Priest would fuck you up bad.
I'm telling you, I've seen what he does and it's going to be real.
(32:40):
You don't think it's not real, you're going to jump in that ring and you're going to get
your ass beat.
He's waiting for that day.
You know they all have to be like, please.
He's good.
You know, he reminds me of, well, he reminds me of Benoit.
Benoit?
In a good way.
Yeah.
In a good way.
We'll find out in 10 years.
I get the same vibe.
I just watched Kurt Angle do an interview with Chris Van Fleet and he was talking about...
(33:06):
Benoit got brought up.
He was talking about how he was doing the thing that WWE wanted him to do, which was
pretend that Chris Benoit never existed.
But he was like, I realized that to say that means some of my best matches never happened.
(33:27):
He was like, so I used to pretend that he was like, but I think that he and I had the
best wrestling match of all time and he named the match.
I went back and watched it and it was great.
But he's good because of his intensity.
Chris Benoit was.
And that's why he's good at killing.
I think that's why...
And Adam Priest is also shorter.
True.
(33:47):
Chris Benoit was also...
Stacked though, like short, stacked.
Stacked.
And Chris Benoit is the same way.
They had this similar bite type and the intensity.
They do got...
You know, now that you said that, that is exactly who he was out there.
True.
Yeah.
Hey.
See you later.
Is he married?
Huh?
Who?
Chris Benoit?
No.
(34:08):
I'm serious.
I hope that's not divorced.
Chris Benoit was that guy though.
I thought wrestlers really feared him whenever he would come out there.
Not the right picture.
I mean, he and like, a lot of those guys were really good.
Very good.
Him, I mean, Kurt Angle, Kurt Angle's my favorite of all time.
Really?
Really?
Oh shit.
Yeah.
(34:29):
He wasn't when I was a kid.
I hated him when I was a kid.
Because he was a heel.
And then now I'm like, oh, he was the best.
He was so funny.
He cut some of the best fucking promos.
Oh yeah.
And then when he got in the ring, he could always be a joke.
He could be menacing.
He could do all the things.
Oh, the team angle was great.
He could do all the things, but when he got in the ring, he was a fucking problem.
(34:50):
He was.
He was.
He was an Olympic gold medalist.
I broke a neck.
Russell was a broken neck.
Yeah.
He was an Olympic gold medalist.
So that was what was cool about him.
He could get away with all these like crazy antics and still be seen as a threat in the
ring because he has those gold medals.
You can't take the gold medal away from him.
No, you can't.
(35:10):
But he actually looked, he was out there wrestling too.
He can be a silly goose.
He can be the silliest of geese.
But then he gets in the ring, it's like, oh, this guy's going to fuck me up if I don't,
you know.
Hell yeah.
It would be a problem if he transitioned.
Dude.
It would be a problem.
And wrestling?
Well, you know, wrestling, where I'm from, is not, you don't have, girls and guys wrestle
against each other.
Well, I've seen the guy, dude, there's this guy on Instagram that beats the hell out of
(35:32):
these dudes.
Is she small though, right?
Yes.
112 or 103?
Something like, yeah, it has to be.
Yeah.
So those girls can be good.
Let me tell you, when they come up to my weight class, I slam this bitch on her neck.
I think she would give you some problems, dude.
Now.
I think she would give you some problems.
Now?
Oh, dude.
A child could beat me now.
I pull my back, getting out of the truck at work, dog.
(35:55):
It happens.
What the fuck?
Hell yeah.
Some fucking-
I should have the hand stuff on the drive here.
That is it.
I mean, that's crazy.
We're all just trying.
That's the third joke.
We're just trying our best, fellas.
True.
Hey, Brink, did you see, speaking of earlier, when you were talking about people going into
the ring, did you see that video where his name is Fatu?
You know Fatu, right?
Yeah.
(36:16):
You think it's Fatu?
That's the part where that dude tried, that fat dude tried to run in there and he kicked
him through the chair with him and all that stuff and whooped his ass.
That was-
There's a great one of, I think it's Stone Cold and Triple H.
Dude, I saw that one.
And Triple H was the heel.
Austin was the face at the time.
(36:38):
And so this guy, I think he was a Triple H fan.
I think Stone Cold was pinning Triple H, this guy came in and tried to break it up.
And Triple H beats the shit out of him.
Dude.
Oh yeah.
I remember that.
This is on a documentary, dude.
That ain't fucked him up.
(36:58):
Really beats him bad.
Dude, I watched that like a hundred times.
But that's what it should be.
That is how it should be because you shouldn't step in there.
He did it because it was cool because he was protecting Stone Cold.
Because when he hurt or something?
I think-
Oh, because he was coming in to fuck up Stone Cold.
Well, it was because somebody had to do it and Stone Cold couldn't do it because he was
the face.
(37:19):
True.
Without like blowing kayfabe.
I agree.
So Triple H, to protect them both because he was the heel, beat the shit out of that
guy.
He's like, I'm the bad guy anyway.
Fucking I'll fuck the guy.
Hey, the picture on the right, that's a perfect stance for a suit play.
He's getting all of that fucking quad in there to fucking pull him back.
He is about to drop.
(37:39):
And look how much room he has from his head to his so he can drop him hard.
He can kill him if he wanted to like that.
Hey, go for it.
Do New Jack.
New Jack style, man.
And he'll never wrestle again, Triple H.
Oh yeah, yeah he can.
He's got like a whole bunch of problems.
Yeah, he's done.
Plus he's the, I mean, he's got the company.
Yeah, he's done.
Yeah, he's all management now.
But yeah, he has like a fucking defibrillator or some shit in his chest.
(38:02):
Damn.
Yeah, he's messed up.
He ain't wrestlin' ever again.
Because those boys, my favorite wrestler was Scott Hall, god damn it.
He had a razor mode.
Oh dude, I love him.
His features great.
He had a fucking toothpick at you.
That Shawn Michaels ladder match, obviously.
They were hell yeah.
WrestleMania?
Yes.
That was whenever.
I had to watch it when that shit was fuzzy.
That's a really good match.
Was that the one where they hugged at the end and they got mad?
(38:23):
No, no, that was like a house show.
That wasn't real.
I never heard about that.
Oh no, that's SummerSlam.
Hold up.
But it was like the WCW guys hugging.
Yeah, that's the one with the white pants.
And that's the iconic photo right there.
Yeah.
Oh, and then I photoshopped.
Did you see my poster where I photoshopped my face?
I saw Michael's body.
That was tight.
I didn't do it.
My roommate, Matt Bammore, did.
Shout out.
(38:44):
A very talented comedian.
I thought he was here with you.
It's my boy Matt.
That dude's funny.
I seen him on Killtody.
He fucking killed that shit.
I should have brought him.
This was just like a solo drive.
I'm staying for a whole week and trying to see some family and shit.
Hell yeah, man.
Thank you for gracing us with your presence, man.
Thank you for having me.
I wanted to hang.
Hell yeah, man.
Yeah, it's been fun.
Yeah, man.
Me and Alex were hanging last night and he was like, I wanted to do something during
(39:11):
the day and he was like, well, we can do the podcast at like five.
That was perfect.
Hell yeah.
Where'd y'all go last night?
Yesterday we did the D&D show.
You do that shit?
You not gonna play?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I've been playing D&D for almost as long as I've been doing comedy.
Really?
Really?
(39:31):
I've been doing comedy for six years and I'm going on six years in comedy and going on
five in D&D or it might be six in D&D.
Because you know Mark Viola.
Yeah.
I want to get him the DM.
He's been asking about it.
He's gonna do it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But like obviously what you're thinking, that's the joke.
Yeah, we don't know shit about D&D.
(39:52):
I want to learn so bad.
He knows too much.
Yeah, he's gonna get very angry and I'm gonna love every single one.
Yeah, that's gonna be fun.
But like the balance of it is I think they are gonna play.
Like really try to, we're gonna really try to play.
Yes.
That we're not literally fucking around.
Yeah.
Not at all.
But you can have fun and be silly.
It's a fun, silly, positive, like you're gonna love it.
(40:12):
It's improv.
It's improv but you're playing a character and then when you try to do challenging things,
instead of it just happening magically, you have to roll dice to see if it actually happens.
That's good shit.
I'm down for that.
I'm gonna beat y'all ass.
So it's like all the role playing, you can be whoever you want in role play but this
is when you try to like do something.
Like if you try to steal something, you try to talk to someone, like persuade them, you
(40:34):
try to deceive somebody, you try to kick down a door.
So you're saying deceive somebody so if me and JJ playing with each other and I'm like
you wanna come through this door, I'm trying to deceive him but he's gonna know because
I'm gonna say that, right?
I thought we were on the same team.
You're on the same team as JJ.
So those deception stuff, those skills don't really work on each other.
(40:59):
Those are to use on the NPCs basically.
Oh I forgot there's NPCs.
So Mike Vart, Mark is gonna be all the people you guys interact with.
You can interact with each other but you don't like, yeah.
Like if you're lying to JJ, he can just decide whether or not he knows you're lying or not.
(41:20):
You know?
It wouldn't make any sense because we're on the same team.
I thought we were all playing against each other.
If you're like trying to lie to like say a guard that saw you guys being sketchy and
you're trying to lie to him, you would roll a check.
You would roll a d20 and add your deception which would be like plus seven if you're trying
to play a sneaky, lying character.
Yeah.
(41:41):
Okay.
So then you add the number to it and then Mark will tell you if it'd be the DC or not
which is the difficulty class.
It's just like a set number that you gotta beat.
He would know all that shit.
Yeah, he's gonna be doing that for us.
Yeah, he's gonna be doing, all you have to worry about is you and your character and
he's doing everything else.
I do that at work, said I'm plus 20 strength, is that good?
I swear to God, this is real.
(42:05):
I'm being dead serious.
You mean it would be, you mean you have 20 strength?
He's saying you're plus 20 strength in D&D.
That's what he, I don't know what that means.
He was lifting something.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah, that's a thing.
Is it good?
Yeah, that's good.
20 is good?
Yeah, 20 is good.
Yeah, having a 20, the 20 is the highest your skill, your strength can be.
(42:31):
Well, I mean, he said it.
That's right.
It balances out his strength.
But it would be plus, but it would be plus five to your attack by having a 20 in strength.
Okay.
Okay.
What do you think Brandon's stats would be?
(42:52):
Brandon's got a 20 in charisma.
Thank you.
100%.
Yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
But what is his fault?
Oh, man, where'd I start?
You don't seem very dexterous.
What is that?
Is dexterous, is that the word?
Oh yeah, dexterity, yeah.
Dexterity?
Yeah.
Dextress.
Yeah, there's an R there.
Dextress?
Yeah, you don't seem very, are you fast?
Yes, yeah, I'm a fast guy.
Man, I'm not gonna lie to y'all.
You're a fast runner?
(43:12):
Yes, I am.
You're a fast runner?
Yes, I am.
We raced once earlier.
You guys got me.
We raced and he failed me.
Yeah, I failed, but that's because I was doing a dumb wrestling.
You failed your dexterity check.
What is that?
What the hell is this?
Is that a test for dexterous?
Yes.
Yeah, you got like a negative.
That's exactly what that was.
No, dexterous was one of your classmates.
(43:33):
No, it wasn't, special ed, no?
Making fun of the disabled.
No.
You gonna let that ride?
Let what ride?
Making fun of your people.
Brandon, we're on the same team.
(43:53):
Oh, what, are you on special ed too?
What's going on?
You said we're on the same team.
But in Dungeons and Dragons.
Oh, in Dungeons and Dragons.
Yeah, in Dungeons and Dragons, you guys would be in the same party.
Yeah, you guys would be in the same party.
You guys would be in the same party.
You guys would be in the same party.
You guys would be in the same party.
You're an adventuring party.
So I'm clearly the muscle, so you gotta be the brains like an elf or something.
(44:13):
Elf?
You gotta be an elf.
I thought they were good at magic.
So what would I be?
Do you wanna do magic?
I don't know.
So do you get to pick like the races?
You get to pick a race?
You get to pick a class?
Is there a set list that you pick from?
Yeah, sure.
Do the 2020 finalists pick you?
Yeah, sure.
Do the 2020 finalists pick you?
Yeah, sure.
Do the 2020 finalists pick you?
Yeah, sure.
Do the 2020 finalists pick you?
Do the 2024...
2024...
Oh, 2024?
(44:34):
2024.
Uh-huh.
D&D.
D&D.
Uh, character creation.
Oh, character creation.
What would that be like?
A Redguard?
Character builder.
The Skyrim, but yeah, exactly.
It's right here on the...
You could actually do...
It's right there.
That's what I love about it.
Video games have already done so many concepts to y'all that y'all...
Is this it right here?
Yeah, that's the character sheet.
But you can actually do...
I'm gonna go with the character sheet.
I'm gonna go with the character sheet.
I'm gonna go with the character sheet.
(44:55):
I'm gonna go with the character sheet.
I'm gonna go with the character sheet.
I'm gonna go with the character sheet.
Yeah, you would pick a race, you would pick a class.
This looks like a...
Races.
Races.
In the newest edition of the Player's Handbook, they kind of updated, they kind of simplified
the races.
(45:15):
So it's like humans.
We got all...
You got elves.
You got dwarves.
You got halflings, which are like hobbits.
They just can't call them hobbits legally because they got sued by Tolkien.
But the halflings, you got gnomes.
Ooh, that's...
Which are also tiny, also small boys.
No, you got gnomes and halflings are the tiny boys.
(45:38):
You got an orc.
I'm an orc too.
Just a big dumbass.
You can be a big...
Yeah, I am a big dumbass.
You should be an orc barbarian.
So much fun.
What's a barbarian part of it?
Barbarian is you're a tank, you're made of fucking hit points.
You have a rage ability that you pretty much go into.
Let's go, dude.
I'm a fucking orc barbarian.
(45:59):
At the beginning of every combat, you basically want to be like, I want to go into rage.
Because when you rage, you do extra damage.
You can do a thing called reckless attack, which gives you advantage to hit, which is
you roll two dice.
Reckless driving.
There we go.
You do extra damage.
(46:19):
Oh, you take less damage.
Any piercing or regular weapon damage is going to be divided in half against you.
And you have a lot of hit points.
You reduce damage by half.
You're made to take all the arrows and shit and run in people's faces and chop them in
half with an axe.
No bullshit.
This is perfect.
Yeah.
That is what I used to do.
(46:39):
You guys want me to make you all characters?
I'll assign you all characters right now.
I used to do that shit when I was younger.
They used to send me into the fight and I had to fight the big guy first.
Hell yeah.
Dude, you won't fucking die ever.
You run in and beat the- Yeah, that's what I did.
I swear to God.
I will go into- Yeah, that's me.
You won't be good at anything else.
No, I don't need to.
You won't be good at anything else.
(46:59):
You guys called me when you were in the fight.
Okay, so this is a nerd thing, but from a role play perspective, you get to role play
kind of a big dumbass.
You're a big strong dumbass.
Hell yeah.
You don't even have to role play.
Perfect.
You're already there.
In real life, this is a drunk driver.
Hell yeah.
This is a drunk driver.
This is.
You survive the crash because it loosens them up.
(47:21):
They do a lot of damage.
They do a lot of damage.
Fuck yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
They instantly get mad.
It's everybody else's fault.
100%.
Love that.
It's awesome.
Hell yeah.
All right, so we got Orc Barbarian.
What do you want to do?
You want to be sneaky?
You want magic?
We need somebody who's going to have some knowledge.
Hell yeah.
Do you want to be like... All right, one of my favorite classes is the bard.
(47:48):
Bard's fun.
What's a bard?
All right, so a bard is like a minstrel.
You have a... What the fuck?
You talking about a black character with the red whisk?
No, they play an instrument.
They follow heroes around and they play an instrument and they're funny.
They're charismatic.
They're handsome.
They have spell casting that they play with their music.
(48:08):
That's me all day.
They perform.
They're the best at lying.
They're the best at anything you want to.
You can kind of fill any hole of the party by being the best.
You can be the best at lying.
You can be the best at talking people into things.
You can be the best at stealing.
You can be the sneaky... You can play whatever instrument you want.
(48:31):
Make up a fun character, a fun idea.
He's handsome.
He wants to go on an adventure though and take a risk.
You're a good support character.
You guys will be a monster combo.
A bard and a barbarian?
Dude, you just pick spells that you think sound fun and that you think will make him
stronger.
(48:51):
I already got it now, dude.
I'm going to play the triangle.
It's going to be the dark triad of traits of serial killers.
We're going to have animal murder, pyro setting fires, and I don't remember what the other
one is.
Lack of empathy.
It's shitting your pants.
Shitting your pants.
Shitting your pants and not feeling bad about it.
Now what's this do on the triangle?
(49:11):
You got to hit it and that happens?
Yeah.
Okay.
So what do you want to do the triangle?
You can be a healer.
Like an EMT.
Oh, you're an EMT?
You can do a cleric.
Hell yeah.
Explain to him what that is because he doesn't know.
Please.
Clerics are usually they're religious characters.
They wear heavy armor but you can pick any god.
(49:33):
It's the way to vest.
Yeah, it's the way to vest a carry around.
You specialize.
You can be a- I am special.
There's different paths in clerics but they're the best healers.
They're armored and they've got some cool spells and stuff.
Holy powers.
They can- zombies.
If you guys run against anything that's undead, cleric is going to have like-
I respect that.
(49:54):
Okay, so then, so you guys, so you fucking cast spells on a lot of people so we don't
have to get in the shit.
And if we do get in the shit, you throw me in there, I'll fuck them up and you heal me
if I get fucked up.
Yeah, yeah.
I like this.
I'm special.
That's a great, that's a great squad.
Are there preset spells and stuff?
Yes.
Okay.
Who presets them?
(50:14):
Um.
What, you just gotta look them up?
You can look them up.
Make sure Mark Braille does all of this.
Please, Mark.
You may have to buy a digital copy of the book, which is honestly worth it.
He asked for.
There's no way he doesn't have every edition.
But you can do D&D Beyond.
D&D Beyond?
And then it'll walk you through every stage of making your character.
(50:39):
But you can also-
No, dude.
You can also get Hope to fucking beat his ass.
We should get Hope to make us visual representation of the character.
Yes.
Oh yeah, you're Harold, the guitar hero controller.
Who's Hope?
Did you see what she did with us right there?
She did.
She did us that art right there.
She made me colorful.
Yeah, she could definitely draw your party.
And she's hilarious.
That would be sick.
Good singer.
And she probably plays D&D.
(51:00):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm sure.
Yeah, dude.
You guys are gonna have a blast playing.
That's a pretty good team.
Yeah.
I'm down.
Hell yeah.
Thanks for hooking us up.
Hell yeah.
Oh man.
Pretty good.
We might fucking beat the great.
I'm not gonna say it.
I'm not gonna say it.
I'm not gonna say it.
It's gotta be good.
But JJ, you're gonna have to change that instrument, man.
(51:23):
Triangle, I'm telling you, the triangle player, that's a dark fucking road.
You don't want to do that.
I don't know.
I had a mental breakdown playing the triangle, man.
You don't want to play the triangle.
What happened?
What happened?
I never told anybody about this, man.
I don't think you told it on here.
Oh man, I played percussion.
You played sleigh ride with a wooden clapper.
Do that in the show.
You played sleigh ride with a wooden clapper?
Do they have me play everything?
They have me play the clapper, the triangle, that big ass drum, the bass drum, the snare
(51:47):
drum.
What happened?
Okay, so this is the first time that I feel like, because they did pull me into class
shortly afterwards.
I had to talk to my mom right there thinking about how special.
I had a mental breakdown for the first time in my life.
So I was playing triangle.
Everybody used to always joke on me.
And they'd be like, Brandon, man, yeah, that triangle shit.
And laugh at me.
And then one day I just had it and I was like, that's fucking it.
(52:09):
And I threw the triangle on the ground and I ran into the sound room and I went off.
And you heard me in there.
I was like breathing hard and I just yelled and everybody's like, damn, man.
So then the lunch room, everybody lined up and I'm like, I'm sorry, Brandon, you okay,
buddy?
And everybody just tapped me on the back.
I went off.
(52:29):
They was there for you though.
You said, I'm tired of this shit.
Yeah, I was like, I'm tired of this shit.
And I threw the triangle on the ground.
You say that, everybody wants to be your friend.
Yeah.
And then, no, they thought I was special, man.
Like a dude last week.
Yeah, that too.
Like a dude last week told me on the wrestling team, he was like, yeah, bro, you know I had
to become your friend because the coach told me to.
(52:50):
They saw you were too awkward.
So I just wanted to help you out.
And then we became best buds.
Like we're bros right now.
He was like, man, I realize you're a cool ass dude.
See?
What, man?
Damn.
Somebody takes the time to get to know you.
I know.
He didn't have to.
He could have been like, fuck that weird ass kid.
(53:11):
But no, he's like, let me go over there and try to see what's his potential.
And we became bros, man.
We were eating that steak and shit.
The coach did give him an NIL deal.
He did give him.
But.
Yeah.
He did tell.
He did.
He was like, yeah, he put me up to it.
Coach, you know what was up though.
He knew you needed it, right?
Oh yeah.
He was like, that dude is weird as hell, man.
Go try to talk to him.
He's too...
(53:31):
He's too good to beat you up.
No.
No, no.
That dude was crazy, man.
He peed on somebody, bro.
He was like, I whooped his ass and peed on him in the parking lot.
Which I respect.
You gotta do what you gotta do.
He casted the spell on him, man.
Which I respect.
What'd they call it?
That golden shower?
(53:52):
Yeah.
Damn, bro.
I don't think.
I'm not going to say his name, man.
I don't know.
Well, just to be clear, golden shower doesn't usually include whipping their ass first.
Yeah, that was wild as hell.
Yeah, golden shower.
I think they both wanted a golden shower.
This dude, man.
What's that called?
A golden shower?
Somebody beats your ass and pisses on you?
It's a golden...
(54:13):
Pretty much.
Consensual, it sounds like.
That's the Armenian golden shower.
Ooh, what's the Armenian, man?
It's a race.
It's a race in D&D.
Oh, okay, cool.
Let me beat RDN, whatever the fuck you call it.
Beat who?
RDN?
Yeah, they're like flying birds.
Ooh.
But the orcs don't recognize them.
Hey, man, I've never been in the sky.
(54:37):
You never taken a plane?
Well, I mean, I did when I was an infant, but I don't remember that.
You don't remember if you get on a plane?
I wouldn't get on one right now.
Hell no, I wouldn't get on one right now.
Everybody can't.
I saw the one where the engine just cut out.
Nah, bro.
I'm taking the bus.
I refuse.
I refuse, man.
You still got to fly, man.
I'm going to retire.
I'm doing my last flight.
(54:58):
I'm a fucking foreigner in our presidency here.
Ooh, yeah.
I'm tired of this.
Look, I'm tired of fucking these fucking nerds becoming bullies.
I'm sick of it.
And you know what?
It's your fault, America.
Yes, it is.
Because in my day, in my day, you know what we would have did to Elon Musk?
We would have fucking poured goddamn toilet water on his head before second period.
(55:19):
This is what we would have fucking did.
You know when you're talking about bullying people?
You don't bully the small guy.
He's just trying to, you know, he had his growth spurt.
He's just trying to fit in.
No, you don't bully him.
You bully the guy that hides his fucking answers when you're trying to cheat off the test.
It's like dude, it's fucking algebra.
Nobody needs that shit.
So anyway.
Amen.
(55:40):
Exactly.
I couldn't agree more.
Right?
And if they would have bullied him in school, he wouldn't be like this.
Exactly.
Look at me.
Right?
The fuck?
Yes.
And you're a perfect example.
Fuck, I took that shit like a fucking man.
Nah, I am a man.
Tell them.
Shit.
Goddamn Africans.
They can't, I'm tired of them.
Africans.
Oh, well, man.
All of them.
(56:01):
All of them, man.
Well.
Most of them.
This guy.
Couple of others.
What time is it, Alex?
I tell you, it is 616.
It's 616.
Let's not say that too quick.
Huh?
Oh, I was just saying 616.
Tookie Williams.
Tookie Williams?
Who is that?
Tookie?
Tookie.
Let me search that up.
Should I?
Isn't that Mike Sales' cousin?
(56:22):
Tookie Tuan?
Tookie Williams.
Look at this guy, man.
Ooh.
Oh my God.
Okay, I don't know why the fuck I said it like that, but I was trying to bait.
I know this man.
I don't suppose I have anything to plug.
Nah, you got something, man.
Catch you in Austin.
I can put your socials out.
(56:43):
Oh, yeah.
Catch me in Austin.
I host Main Course Comedy.
We do them like three a month.
Check out maincoursecomedy.com.
I host that regularly.
What else?
I want to get the podcast back going.
Spooky fun time.
Go watch those ten old episodes.
(57:05):
Yeah, they were good.
And then I think that's it.
Cartoon you just voiced.
Oh!
What?
I just, well, I mean there's stuff.
I just don't have anything that's like fun.
I did like a, I've done an audition that went well.
I'm doing some short film stuff.
Hell yeah.
I'm grinding my little tits off.
(57:26):
What was the thing?
Oh yeah, and then Zach, my friend Zach wrote a cartoon, Zach Hedrick, wrote a cartoon.
It's called The Brood and I'm one of the leads in that.
We're going to, at the end of March, we're going to Tampa.
I guess that's a good thing to plug.
What is that?
We're going to be, yeah, it's going to be in Tampa at the end of March.
(57:53):
Where is the side splitter show?
I'll just put Tampa I guess on all those dates.
It's ending in March at some point.
Either the 20th, sometime between the 25th and the 30th is when I'm going to be in Tampa.
But we're going to show the cartoon and then we're doing sets.
So it's going to be fun.
Hey, oh that's bad.
Yeah, I think it's going to be at side splitters, that one.
(58:13):
But I don't know.
Zach planned the whole tour.
I got a ticket and I'm going.
Thanks for coming on, bro.
Thank you, man.
Thank you guys so much for having me.
I love you.
Love you too, man.
Now we got to go to a fucking show.
Hey, go hairline this motherfucker.
We got hairliners on here, cuz.
I'm going to go show my ass.
Hell yeah, go out there, show, eat ass, live life, do what you got to do, bro.
I didn't mean to bring this up, Dom, but Pat's out there.
Oh yeah.
I walked in and Pat was like, y'all.
I'm going to go show my ass.
(58:48):
I'm going to go show my ass.
(59:16):
I hate Scrappy Doo.
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