January 26, 2024 • 100 mins
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
This week on clown college
Then they'd be like you look like a Logan Roadhouse dinner roll and shit because I used to be bald my mom will cut
My hair like in the kitchen. Oh, why is that the motion for cutting your hair?
Cutting it with a fucking bow saw what happened?
(00:21):
We could all go shit cat shopping together and it wouldn't even be gay a little bit dude, and how's it gay dude?
It's all about pussy. Yeah
Person with that we found our first clip
This is the clown college podcast
We're just a couple open micers trying to make our way through the scene where we interview
(00:45):
Comedians throughout different stages of their comedy career no matter if they're open micers
Headliners or traveling comedians, I'm here to Jamie 2.0. I just talked a lot more damn it Brandon
Go sit in the corner
Let's see how long it takes to get this apparatus
(01:07):
I'm a fucking professional god damn it. You look very professional do business profession. Oh, yeah, thanks
I'm a professional god damn it. You look very professional do business profession. Oh, yeah, thanks
Y'all are playing America's team today. Yeah, we are America's team. We're owned by our fans
(01:27):
Oh, yeah, I have is that is that for real? I've heard this
They own like ownership in the team the fans. Yeah, there's no owner. That's a public
Team the only team only team out there with no owner doesn't sound like America at all, man
Yeah
Jack brought us some proper 12. Hell. Yeah, yeah, Conor McGregor boom
(01:50):
It'll make you jacked it has like
Testosterone in it or something the steroids. That's what he's on. You see that fucking nose
He's gonna fight again, I think he's gonna fight again though Michael Chandler, they you know, they got rid of the
The drug test. Oh, yeah, they just yeah, that's why you coming back
Their solution was just just to get rid of testing all together. Do you want prime Conor McGregor? He has to take steroids for that
(02:16):
Dude, that's what I'm saying. Just let them all take steroids because why not baseball was way better when everybody was juiced a hundred percent baseball
So I don't even like baseball but I watch a Martin McGuire and Barry Bonds was bombing fucking shit every game
Welcome back to Plow College
Fuckin
Oh
(02:45):
Are you doing bread man, I'm doing good man, I'm doing great had long good week
Well, I got a good stand-up. It's been good. Hell. Yeah, man. Oh, yeah, Brandon like to hear
Did you see Brandon murder a stand-up laugh? I did I did you did I texted him about it?
Yeah, you did really good. I appreciate and then you replied and I was gonna reply but then I fell asleep
(03:06):
Brandon is a bad texter. I am he's a terrible texter. Yeah, he texted me once asked me if I got home safely
Which is strange considering I wasn't I didn't drink anything and smoke anything
I had to do those we for the first horseshoe skit with the dip
Oh, yeah, which I was fucked up off of it and I drove home and Brandon was so concerned
(03:27):
He texted me at 1 in the morning. I left at like 8 p.m
And he's like, did you get home? I was like, yeah, I managed I managed it was a battle
But I managed and then he texted me again like two days later. He was like, oh good
Really worried when you left that's a skit we could do what Brandon instead of a first responder he's the worst responder
(03:52):
I'm just freaking out with you. Oh shit Brandon in various historical events, dude
The Titanic he sees the iceberg, but then he goes on a smoke break. Yeah, it's still there
Let me think on this I'll be like I saw it. I didn't see nothing
I didn't want to bother you. Yeah, you were eating the sandwich. Everybody was so hyped
It was supposed to be the biggest
(04:14):
Vessel to go on the long. Yeah, you know what? I'll kill the vibe
Fuck it up. It came from a good place
Y'all remember now
Oh
But look we need to talk about Brandon Killing gonna stand up live
He fucking murdered every and you were going off script too. I could tell and that shit was hitting too
(04:36):
Oh and Alex got your set right? Yeah, be sensitive. So how about we insert a clip right here? Yeah
(05:07):
Can
Brandon said I hit him with that snack
I was expecting the
(05:29):
Badoom clicky
So stand up live we got to do an open mic there that was good that was good and they were like
(05:50):
It was like pretty much like an audition for future either showcase shows or being host
Yeah, I think Jake Dan Price hosted this one Dan Price. So shout out to him. That's huge
This is what comedy is he goes up there hosting. I think it's his first hosting gig, right?
Well, he has hosted home. Okay, so it was this first. I mean second, but they were back-to-back
(06:10):
Yeah, yeah, literally back-to-back right the same day. So this is his
Hosting gig one of his first ones and he comes up there his zippers undone his flies open
Yeah, I heard the call back but I wasn't there for the so he goes he goes up there
I think Bryce or somebody tells like your flies over he turns around but that's fucking so hilarious
(06:32):
He was and you could tell he did not
Unless he just played it really really well, but yeah, I wasn't there
Hey, let's do that though cuz some people be like, oh fuck it. Yeah, you just see some shit wangle in them
Well and stand up live your dick is like right by their faces. Yeah
True. You know what I mean? Like if they're in the front row, maybe that's why Bryce sat in the front
(06:54):
Starting to make a lot more sense now
Touched his microphone in the way that he did. Yep. Go back to episode four, I believe I think
Well, I don't know which one it is. It's episode four. Is it episode four? Yeah, Bryce Fletcher
He likes to stroke things and sit in front of cocks. Hey, nothing wrong with that. I'm not wrong with it
We support that. Yeah, it's welcome Dan encouraged
(07:21):
That's why they like you man, but uh
Yeah before stand up live the homegrown show it went good Dan hosted that
Okay, yeah ten minutes then I only did five then Daniel Castillo did ten and then sci-fi did thirty
He killed that thirty shout out to sci-fi. Yeah, he killed shout out
(07:42):
Speaking of sci-fi he's getting mad that his look for you
I'm putting it in front of the kill Tony ball because you killed so hard. Yeah, I'm 30 minutes
Yeah, we'll give you this. Are you bone? You want the applause with it? Give him an applause Brandon. Give him an applause. Good job
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry
(08:04):
Yeah, he did really well at that show but
What made me laugh so fucking hard man was I did my five and I walked to the back of the speakeasy
You know like those little curved booths. Yeah
Jalen was there he watched the show and sci-fi and I was sitting with them and there was this big long table in the middle
Full of like middle-aged white people
(08:25):
I think they were doing some family thing and the lady was showing her friend
I got off stage and immediately went back there and a lady was showing her friend a picture of Danny McBride
Can't ask Kenny Powers on her phone and I was like that has to be about
And she was like he looks just like him and she's looking at me looking back at her friend didn't say a word to me
(08:48):
I just don't exist in her world, dude. You're daddy big brother
Yeah, can you believe that shit dude?
That's hilarious
Yeah, you don't know who he is
We can have a whole nother conversation before he gets a picture
(09:09):
What were you talking about love let him see
You know from eastbound and down. Oh shit. Yeah, I know that dude. Yeah, yeah vice principals
Yeah, maybe I should do the good teeth pineapple Express pineapple Express. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right just gems
Jim Stone
He just pulled a me right?
(09:32):
Oh
So went to the grocery store today, you know, we're making some chili Jake months. He's gonna be on here
Yeah, this motherfucker right he won't but I was gonna say he I'm pretty sure he did the best at stand-up live
Oh, yeah, he killed he did the best. I think it was like him and Brandon
I believe were the best too in my in my opinion and the crowds opinion because they were popping but
(09:55):
so we're making chili cuz he's white and
With a side of potato salad
So went to the store everything is out because they're about to be like it's about to be like
Single digit degrees here and when that happens in Alabama, dude, the whole city plummets. Oh, yeah
(10:18):
Operational that's like walkers in Illinois. It'll be like three feet
It's not but you still need to get to work, you know that but they got the trucks and shit to clear it up
Go there nothing's there
And I was there was no bread and only the bread was there was like the great value bread
Which is hard and shit and like the bunny bread bullshit, dude
Because great value bread the sandwich bread blue label pack or whatever
(10:38):
It used to be 88 cents for like five years
And then they crept it up to 93 and now it's a full-blown dollar. Yeah, I wouldn't notice inflation
I noticed mm-hmm. She's crazy. That's what I mean. Y'all wanted to elect Biden. That's what fucking happens big state
I would like to say this. I don't know anything about Paul. I know very minimal people say Ron DeSantis
(11:02):
I don't even know if that's his name the Santas in that Florida guy. Yeah, Santa Claus
People say shit about him. Go to our intel guy back here Jack. I
Don't know anything about him. I seriously don't know any I know something about Disney World and that he hates trans people
Yeah, he just wanted I've heard
He's yogurt with his I don't like him now
(11:23):
I don't want to shake your hand your morals are fucked up of your finger finger and yogurt
Yeah, yeah, you got to be deep down into it got to get out the crevices though. My brother used to do that shit
He's a tear them pudding cups up. He used to fuck them
and
couture
We name couture
couture
well, so you get in there and you uh
(11:45):
He used to fuck these motherfuckers up like he'll eat it with the spoon at first and then you see him go down like a
chicken he'd be like
Tearing that shit the fuck
He'll get mad at me for saying that you know the kids at my school used to do back in the day man
Huh like ten years ago. Yeah, what they would do is get yogurt cups and they go up get it real quick
(12:05):
Suck it in like that. Yeah, dude. Did you did you ever Brandon?
This is probably more you were probably too old for this, but yeah, no, no, I'm not taking this shot. Okay
This is like 2013
Yeah, we'll say 2007
Oh, you know, we probably still had a white president, you know, but um, which times they animals the yogurt fuck they they made
(12:29):
a crush cup
Then the whole stick the whole marketing behind it was that you could crush it and just eat it and I remember seeing a commercial
For this when I was like seven or eight and I'm like, that's fucking awesome
I remember that but I got them and I used it and I realized
Every yogurt is a fucking crush cup. I
I fell for that fucking marketing. I'm like if you just squeeze it, it's the same fucking thing. That's all was
(12:52):
It's the regular
Hold on wrong one. That was funny man
No, I was like I remember being like seven and doing it and looking at like the other yogurt my grandparents had in the face
I'm like, that's just the normal like packing device. You can do that with any of that. Yeah, I
Felt so betrayed dude. Now is the first time I failed for like the American capitalism, bro
(13:15):
I've been pissed ever since yeah. Yeah, it's insane
You first that then great value breads a full-on dollar full-on dollar and it's shit bread
It's all it has it's not great unless you want it multi grain which in Alabama that was all there
You don't understand it was full of my great dude. What do you say? I've devoted years of my life
This is what I was getting industry
(13:36):
What I worked as a merchandiser for every bread company, okay can imagine dude. I know
Everything about these companies do I know the best breads the shittiest breads
I know which breads you should buy for like pregnant women and shit. I know everything
So what's the best bread the best bread like taste wise?
Mm-hmm that you can get is the Sara Lee artisano bread. Okay, it's thick. It's like a thick cut
(14:01):
You can get it in regular brioche. They have dessert loaves
Oh maple maple syrup cinnamon. They have like a seasonal like pumpkin spice one make French toast with that
You don't it's it's an it's a different experience. Okay. Okay, I'm telling you what's the best?
Bang for your buck bang for your buck shit, dude. I would go bunny
(14:25):
Honey wheat dude bunny honey wheat bunny honey wheat. I got a question
What's the best bread for black people the best bread for black people?
Um, well, I would say probably the same as white people man, but like black in particular
Yeah, because you know like some Johnny black. Oh, man, you get this your cholesterol might be higher sound
(14:46):
Keto bread man, you know bread get the keto way the Lewis keto bread
I want to be real careful with that one dude, dude. I used to get that when I was on keto. Yeah
It did I did I didn't stay but when I was on and the
I
(15:08):
Got you hold up there was a right one. It's always
But that Lewis bread the Hawaiian Lewis bread
Oh, I mean why and keto bread? Yeah, yeah, she's good, but it's like a half loaf for like 590
Yeah, you do or now it's probably up to like 624. That's insane
(15:29):
That is insane. But when you're on keto that shit tastes like fucking have like yeah
It tastes like you got it straight from France bakery and they got keto buns. Yeah, but those are I ain't keto buns
But those are why I never tried the Hawaiian ones
But the keto buns Lewis used to have were like I ain't taste good taste like shit kit
Lewis was the first company to do that man. Shout out to Lewis
Nobody gives a fuck about this conversation, but they were on that way before anybody else. Yeah, and they got the best stuff. I
(15:55):
I like their stuff people like people fall for like the fancier packaging
So they're not gonna buy Lewis as much as based off that but it's the best affordable quality bread
No, it's a okay in this conversation. Nobody gives a single fuck about first of all
You're a bread connoisseur you worked in this we need to know I want to learn to okay now I'm going about you
(16:18):
Guarantee, I'm going to buy Sara Lee artist in the artisano
I'm telling you dude. It's so good. It's so fucking good. I don't know but it's a hundred and ten calories a slice
Hey, that's a kick as fuck. Don't we worried about calories over there?
I'm just I just told you I wasn't okay for all the health conscious people out there. You know, it's 110. That's a lot
Yeah, how much is a regular? I mean a regular like bunny bread like if you were to buy a
(16:43):
Healthy life Lewis bread like any of those one slice is 35 calories
Yeah, but that's I mean, but like a regular like bunny bread. What's their slice? Probably?
If there's like honey, we probably 60. Okay, so 60 so like half it is significant
Yeah, that is good. It's me. I'm also I will say this and I'm glad that I'm getting a chance to talk about this
(17:05):
I am the world's best. I swear to you. I am the world's best at making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich challenge
I truly believe in myself in that Avenue more so than anything else
Like if there was like open mics for making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I'll be up there
I'd knock everybody's fucking socks off, dude
I'd be the Roscoe Ray Nathan a peanut butter and jelly making dude. Oh seven years
(17:29):
Shoes. Yo, can you make something after this? Yes and hot chocolate? I'm really passionate about my ability may hot chocolate
Are you using packets? Are you using actual chocolate? Yeah
Using pack. Yeah
I wear a clip-on tie fucking go into South American picking cacao beans make this fucking hot chocolate
Okay, it's it's Swiss miss. It's Nestle
(17:51):
Yeah, whatever the fuck we got in the pantry, but that's it's my resourcefulness my craftiness
Comparable to like Odysseus in the Odyssey dude. That's what makes me special man. I make the best out of a bad situation
Okay. Okay. Well you use a milk or water. Oh
That's a good question. I actually prefer water milk in the microwave. That just seems bad
(18:11):
Mm-hmm. I don't know. That's definitely not halal or kosher. No can't do that. You can't do that over here
We have a Jewish person on the podcast today
Everything has to be cool. We found Amelia Earhart and we're getting her on the pod
Congratulations wearing a scarf
You know, he's wearing the leather jacket. I won't have it in if he doesn't come here with the leather jacket
(18:31):
I would be all right
Yeah, he has to come here with this leather jacket. Oh, Jake Montes. Uh, you seen him on
episode three three with Nico and
It was crazy cuz he wasn't really supposed to be doing this JJ had to go and he filled in for him
Yeah, and then I my editing skills weren't that good. Nico's like
(18:52):
Nick cuz we made a lot of Jewish jokes on that right and then he's like you cut out every part that I was saying
I'm not a part of this
I didn't even realize I did it. I had no clue. I did it and I was like watching the back
Well, I did do that. We're clearing Nico's name. Yeah episodes later. Yeah with Nico did not he doesn't harbor any anti-Jewish
(19:13):
That's me
Just dumb
Okay, I love the juice
My boss juice that but I guarantee you that like a Jake's leather jacket is not like bovine leather
It's not cow. It's probably something like kangaroo leather
That's authentic leather. No, it's authentic, but it's just not from the animal that you think it's wrong
(19:34):
Like it's some weird shit like oh, yeah, you know, they use this method back in the day
It's like a fighter pilot Jack. He's that kind of yeah
I was sitting in his living room the other day and I thought he had like a pool cue
Sitting in the corner and like like that, you know how they have like the ones that break in half
Yeah, yeah cases and shit. I thought that's what it was. I was like, oh man. I didn't know you were in a pool like that
(19:56):
He was like no, that's a sword. Yeah, I was like what and it's a cane but the handle popped out and it's a fucking sword
I'm like dude what Jake thinks he's a king. He has decorative like arms all
Apart me has a fucking Civil War musket. Yep, and he has this cane sword. He has the katana
He bought Jalen a knife when he went away to Alaska by jail. I'm heartbroken. I think he leaves today actually
(20:22):
Yeah, he's leaving today to go to Atlanta. We're gonna miss him Jalen Brown first episode great great fucking guy
And I'm fucking hilarious, but I'm happy for him cuz he's gonna go there work on my cruise
Tour I don't know that something where they do like a dope though
What's that shit called tour buses like sure?
Yeah tour guide and where you get to make the jokes and that's why they wanted a comedian
(20:45):
Yeah, and then you get to go to Alaska a lot of people don't go to Alaska
You know what I mean, and then get to see the Northern Lights all he's going. Can you imagine Jalen at the Northern Lights?
It's like they're meant to be together. He might just absolve into the Northern Lights
What would you call a wolf watching the Northern Lights? Oh, what do you call it? I don't know. I still got a thing
(21:05):
wolf ahead lights
I just that's that's so hilarious man. I Jalen in Alaska
It makes so much sense, but no sense at the same time. I'm gonna miss him though, dude
He told me the Crispus Attucks of Huntsville comedy only he's gonna understand what I'm talking about
(21:31):
Crispus Attucks was a African American man that got shot during the Boston Massacre in like
1773 and me and Jalen just joked about it because uh
They have a sci-fi was talking about in the show Luke Cage. Yeah that Marvel made
They're having a some kind of I never watched this show
But they were having some kind of argument outside of the Crispus Attucks
(21:54):
Community Center or whatever and it's just funny because Crispus Attucks didn't really do anything historically significant
He was just there and got shot and they named a building after him
I was getting ready to say how the fuck do you know?
Who the fuck what'd you say his name was? Crispus Attucks dude did you go to fifth grade?
Yeah, yeah, like you know they get really hyper specific about weird things in American history and like the
(22:20):
Public school curriculum. Yeah, so everybody knows who Helen Keller is she didn't really I mean
it's up to debate whether or not she existed and what she did do is like
Semi-significant, I guess I'm not trying to be an asshole. It's like how do you learn to read them?
Right if you can't hear or speak or see how do you learn to write?
(22:41):
But how do you learn Braille because you have to have some kind of understanding of the English language or any language before you learn Braille?
Like if she's like in real conspiratorial, it's like you can
Alright this and then you grab this and then put her hand over and that's what this means keep on doing that
But she can't hear
(23:02):
Mm-hmm, and then you put walk
Okay, but she can't but she can't hear
She can't hear or see yeah, she could feel yeah, but if you're saying you just said can
No, I'm just saying I'm just saying for the people at home
But if you if you came up to me and I couldn't hear see or speak right
Yeah
You put this in there and then you had some kind of writing right here
(23:23):
And that's what I didn't identify as this or like you're like water you would do that and then eventually you'll get it
But how does she know to retain that information cuz she's fucking still human being he has a brain
She doesn't know she doesn't know any basic like language or concepts because
She even if she started to be able to hear she wouldn't know what the fuck we're saying
But she'd still be able to read it
(23:45):
Maybe I'm just dumb because if I could not hear or see for my entire life
And you hand me a can and then make me touch some weird shit
I don't know what the fuck is going on its repetition. You'll eventually know so if it's water was the thing
She wants some water
She wants some water you know I don't know if they probably beat it into her you can be that's good
(24:08):
That's a good way you beat shit in people. Hey, who's she gonna tell dude?
I don't support violence but
Don't you love the UFC Brandon yes, I love the fucking UFC and boxing
(24:29):
Consider that violence. Yeah, that's very violent. I mean when you do it like a sport and you getting paid. I guess that's cool man
Yeah, so
Defending yourself to yeah violence is only okay if you get paid for it dude
That's why we invaded Iraq. Yeah, we needed that oil. Yeah, we got some big money
Yeah
Yeah, I fucked Iraq out
(24:51):
That was fucked up
And the thing was why the fuck we got Iraq if if one is an Iraq person who did it
You know what I'm saying like it was it there I?
Know I'm not supposed to be saying
But like I'm like I'm like oh
It wasn't Lee Harvey Oswald
(25:11):
They try to put all the stuff like oh Saddam Hussein used to kill people what the fuck they got to do with us
I'm just saying what the fuck they got to do with us true
Well, we go it over there fuck with these people for you know what they did big change. He wanted that money. He wanted that oil
What else what the fuck will we be over there?
Yeah, no, but that's been going on forever, right?
(25:32):
Like the Gulf of Tonkin thing with Vietnam Lyndon Johnson was like, yeah, they fucking they instigated it
But not really same thing with the Lusitania dude Spanish-American war dude. I think that's what it was can't remember
Maybe it was World War one
No, it was the main the USS main got blown up in a Havana Harbor. That was an early 1900s
(25:55):
I taught I taught a high school history lesson on this
I taught it at a real high school on the Spanish-American war dude yellow journalism and all that shit
Which is just like fake news the og fake news. Okay yellow journalism where they were stretching the truth
Not saying the real shit that they call it because of Asians
No, they actually didn't allow them to participate in media. Okay, I didn't know
(26:20):
It's like I don't know. I don't know why they yellow I guess like
Yellow-bellied cowardly like lying about I don't know. Okay. I don't know if we're gonna idea but teaching public school was terrible
So if you are a public school teacher, like seriously, I respect you. I don't understand how you did it
I could not hang with that shit. I taught like 10th and 11th graders. Mm-hmm and
(26:43):
They all of them were high all the time and also the school I taught out was like inner city
It was 85% black and Hispanic and a lot of the Hispanic students could not speak speak English like at all
Oh, I'm not even joking like they straight up. So like I didn't know what to do. I was like
um, yeah, just you know your friend student teacher and the lady that I'm teaching under my
(27:06):
Cooperating teacher who's supposed to be teaching me what to do
Yeah
She is she told me that she told her son wanted to go to college to be a teacher and she was like
I will not support you if you do that, but she's a teacher and she's supposed to be teaching me how to be a teacher
Nobody gives a fuck dude. What I'm saying is the published like education system in the United States over dude
(27:27):
I mean you got things some of these kids bad as hell
Yeah, and you and you'd be like when you work, oh this teacher ain't supposed to do that. All right
How these motherfuckers they bout grown true 16 big-ass 16 year olds talking shit. They might like whoop your ass. Yeah
I mean break down hella fights you did five fights in like a few the few weeks that I was there
(27:48):
One dude was fighting his girlfriend in class. It was crazy
He was a he was the tight end for the football team and they were having like an argument at the desk
They were in groups of four
Him and his girlfriend were sitting next to each other and another girl was sitting on the other side and he was like touching
Her under the table right next to his girlfriend and she got pissed and said something about it and they started fighting right there
(28:09):
It was insane blowing. Yeah for real and she hung in there dude. I salute her more power to her
Iron iron chin on her
She took a couple good ones. Yeah, she stayed up. Did you follow through her dad must have been a marine or something?
She was pretty admirable not gonna lie in a weird way
(28:30):
Yeah, but the first time I ever went in to meet my CT
It was during like the zero period when they're all these students are like working on their homework or whatever
She had her planning period where no students were in her room except like a couple I walked in and there's two girls sitting there
And I sweat this is the first time I ever walked into this school to meet her
Uh-huh. I walk over to her desk and I hear behind me the two girls in the corner
(28:53):
Yeah, he's kind of cute for a white guy
We just got started off on the wrong foot
This is gonna be miserable all the students were high all the time
And I'd like mess with them because they would know that I would know and then they'd ask me shit like oh
Do you think you could like get me something? I'm like, bro. No
I'm not going to jail hails
(29:13):
And especially not for public teacher like public school teacher salary. It's not worth it, dude. Oh hell
This was an unpaid internship by the way
Hell no, I didn't you should like leave and dip out and go to like the break room when you were teaching
No, she's still being there. She'd be at her desk like grading papers
But I don't understand how you could fail the class
(29:36):
Like there would be students who had F's and it's just because they didn't turn anything in at all
They all got Chromebooks like laptops
You can you do all your work on that and you can just look up the answers true
it's just searching it on the internet and typing the answer in and
They'd still just not turn it in and failing class. We are fucked bro. I know you said we're losing the next war
(30:02):
Seriously, we are dude. We're gonna have to start importing from other countries get some greater minds because we're fucked over here
You could pass the cinderblock through the US like education system
I swear to God you can make like a ghost identity for a student that doesn't even actually go to school and the teacher would
Just pass them. I swear to you. Yeah, we're number one folks
(30:22):
And what number one at what
Tom foolery
shenanigans and the likes
What's your craziest
School story my craziest school story damn man. I got so many of them. I got so many only think of one you talking about like
What type of situations I'll give a damn wet what pops in your mind when you just like that shit happened at school
(30:47):
That's what a wild thing that happened to me in school. I remember one time I
Saw this damn
I remember I saw this PE coach and she was running with this kid and apparently what he did was he kept fucking around with
the trampoline and in his head just like
So she was just holding it together running with my oh my gosh
Wait, whoa
(31:07):
You got a trampoline at PE class? Yeah, they had a trampoline at PE class. He like jumped off and like BOOM
Busted his head open. Yes, he did all the way open. Yeah, basically man. Like she was she was holding it together
Yes, yeah, he was fucked up
Did he live? Oh yeah, he lived. He lived. He had scars on his head. Yeah, like big ass dick
like right out of baseball, you know
(31:28):
Damn
Fuck you look like the Mets mascot
And then I remember another scene this is this kid
Used to always like he was real small and he would push around people
He puts this one dudes like a hippie and then a hippie like pushed him back and then this dude ran up
He's like, hey man, don't hit my niggas
Just boom straight in the face and then a titty grew on his head and he walked through the whole like field doing this
(31:52):
the whole time like Jesus
What? He beat this dick ass. Yeah, like a whole mouthful
Wait, wait, who was the hippie guy? Was this another student? Yes. He was another student. He was so chill, man
He always had the bad end. I remember this girl that was like Rasputin ripped off his jacket. He was like why the fuck me?
I was like, I'm sorry
(32:12):
He just told five different stories
He did stuff like that
That was insane
There's so much crazy shit man that happened at that school
I almost got hit by a car one time because this sister this stuff doesn't got mad because they were fighting
They were scrapping outside the basketball court and we were all just watching their system. Hell no nobody gonna hit my brother
I don't care if they ten years old
(32:34):
So she and then she got in the car and tried to run us all over and we all had like jump out the way shit
And then the dude ran I was like now I'm calling the cops
We should have been caught a cop she really tried to hit you did she really drove on the line try to hit the gas
Yes, I really got on the line and tried to get us. She didn't give a fuck this you go to jail
(32:56):
No, she just took off with him. Like nobody did nothing
What yeah, we just like she just tried to murder a group of like ten-year-old
Nobody was around just us. I mean, I mean the people were inside but they were just sitting you didn't tell your mom and that
No, we live
It's a good mindset
(33:20):
Attempted murders not murder. Exactly. It's a this ain't our first rodeo speaking of rodeos
Branding you think you're gonna get the dent in your head from wearing the headphones. Are you worried about that at all?
So like I already got that dent man. I got a lot of dense my hair but the hair the hair is gonna protect it
(33:42):
Though yeah, you think you have like good structural integrity in your skull cap. I know I got a big head
So I think so good answer
Brandy you got the biggest head in school man. You look like mr. Potato head
So we can't Williams was talking about Steve Harvey that brought back a lot of memories
Are you scared of cat Williams dude warming up to
(34:09):
Then they'd be like you look like a Logan Roadhouse dinner roll and shit
Because I used to be bald my mom will cut my hair like in the kitchen
Well, oh, why is that the motion for cutting your hair cutting it with a fucking bow song?
What's happening just cut you to your balls shit all right there brandy you're watching back you like maybe I should
(34:35):
Here comes airplane, okay, hold on that's not better I'm cutting hair
I don't know what the fuck you're doing the clippers and they go
Why you hold the clippers like that? Oh, no, I'm not cutting my hair. I'm cutting somebody else. Yeah, I
Don't know how to hold clippers and I never cut hair
He's trying. Yeah, I was like if I hold some clippers this I cut like people like he cut the back of mine
(35:00):
Oh shit, they like he cut the back of my hair and I just do I hold up man
Let me try to because I don't know how to code that
How do y'all hold clippers? I'll be if I was gonna say clippers. I'll be like that
Oh, if I was gonna say cuz if you if you cut and you know, they got the waves you got cut with it
And then if you got straight hair, you got to cut again. You go with the flow of the water, dude
But it definitely is not like this
(35:22):
Not the way I see it now, that's not the way
You know what you get there look like a point of view here something that's not good
We can edit that footage yeah
The power of AI can do some magical my god and he got me I approved this mess
(35:42):
Well, he just gave it to us fuck we're cutting that up
I'd like to rev up this off. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody watch some clips clip of the week. No mix that German half black
(36:07):
See
I'm half black half white like a panda bear
Cut them in like one two
cute
Okay, so there's a few things to break down here right first of all you get called a black bitch. Yeah
That's what she said if you didn't hear it by the Asian girl with Tourette's that you publicly shamed last week. Yeah
(36:28):
Yeah, lover lover to death and then she says
Hail Hitler. Yeah, you support that message. Well, and then
And then you call yourself cute and go like and throw your leg up
So there was a lot to break down in that clip that happened within a short amount of time
There's a few calamities
In that period so I was a fan of that clip. I knew I knew it was coming
(36:52):
Ming mem
Min, yeah, she's funny too. She's really very when she come but you know, she has Tourette's and
She was doing it the whole night. I knew it was coming
But I couldn't think of anything to go back
But I know whenever I say something about German she always goes hell hitler's. I was like at least we'll bring the few
in purposefully triggering that
(37:14):
Dude, I just I know last week. I used another clip where men called you something else
Yeah, and I think this is a good recurring thing to have you battling men. Oh, yeah when she got up there
It was funny. She said because I got a joke in there talking about I'm so single right and then she says
She says I'm single. I'm looking for somebody not you dog
(37:35):
Damn not Tourette's. Yeah
No, I just don't fuck with you
It almost hurts worse dude
Jake Jake went hard on uh, went hard on and she loves it though. Oh, yeah when I was walking out
She was there. She was like that was the best thing ever. Jake just went uh
(37:56):
Jake with him Jake was like, oh my god
Just where uh, well jake would ham jake was fucked up too drunk for loco. Yeah, no for loco
Yeah, that for loco did have me fucking I haven't drunk one of those in
10 years something like that. Do you want to get belligerently drunk for four dollars and 50 cents, dude?
Go to a gas station buy a four loco get the red white and blue one if you're an american man
(38:21):
They got a warheads for loco. I can't remember if I talked about that before but that's gotta be just like
The piss you take after that's got to be insane. You got to feel like you got the clap
Forehead that didn't sound good. Oh hold up. I don't want cross-eyed. I thought he was having a fucking stroke
(38:45):
He was just looking and then you went all across I was like fuck dude, he's having an episode
Yeah, no, I see something in the corner of that. Oh man. Yeah, you got to see the you'll see
Oh my god, man, and that too else
You're one eye went right here
You just spaz dude
(39:09):
Oh shit, all right, let's see jj
Go I'm a little drunk so uh, if I don't say a slur this will be a victory
I stand by that. No, I have this problem where people will assume that i'm a lot more southern than I actually am
Just based off the way that I look and I get it, you know
(39:30):
I look like i'm always one month right away from committing a hate crime
But i'm not actually country like that
You know, I don't listen to country music. I don't wear cowboy boots. I'll say the n-word and public
That's it
I don't dude
I don't there was not a lie
(39:52):
In that set dude, I love when you I love when you open with that joke
Yeah
I I kind of got traumatized after we bombed on homegrown because I opened with that but that's worked
At several other places it's worked since and I opened with that at the homegrown right before that
So and it did okay. So I mean because jj was on another show
(40:14):
Homegrown show your producer on there now, right?
I don't I I think so. I mean i'm on it like every month except for next month because it's black history month
We gotta put an end to this affirmative action bullshit, dude. Tell them i'm out i'm out of my job. This is our month
I love it go catch go catch jonathan sci-fi ty funny
And I can't remember who else is on it go catch that february and then um
(40:39):
The fuck were we talking about we'll put a flower out for
You know, I can't remember shit. Oh, yeah, I don't know if i'm a producer on it
But yeah, i'm i don't even know what being a producer means
Really? Well, we did we had to do it without jonathan because uh, he just had his new child
Wow congratulations jonathan
The silver family
Another little silver dollar to the bunch. Hell yeah
(41:02):
But uh, so we had to run it without him and that was that was pretty
Stressful. So shout out to people who actually like run the shows man, because that shit is not easy
We had to go bark all the restaurants
Yeah, put up the signs and stuff and tell people what was going on set up the mic and everything
Which it wasn't all that hard
But in the moment when it's like your first time doing it damn there's a lot of shit that goes into this
(41:25):
I don't usually think about yeah. All I usually think about when i'm on a show is not bombing. Yeah
But they gotta do yeah. Yeah. Shout out to jonathan everybody with that shit. Oh, yeah
It's a skill. Oh, yeah. All right
Y'all gonna be ready for this. It's gonna be a fucking blast. Yeah
You might not see dom next week dude, if the packers lose, you'll be in a very dark place
(41:48):
We're shooting this early, even though I am drinking hard liquor
This is before the packers game jakes will be before the packers game too. We need to be done here at 3 30
That's just how it goes down hard stop at 3 30. Oh, yeah
Oh shit the packers are on you my whole shit i gotta go we'll set it down
(42:09):
Oh, it's the cowboys and the packers dude. I didn't even realize i'm a lion. Do you do your pose?
What type of oh we're gonna we're gonna cut back and forth
This is like when you're in middle school and the two autistic kids are about to have a dance battle in pe class
That's the that's the showdown
(42:31):
I've been in some of those battles. You've been a participant in some of hell. Yeah
We got some skits
Have you ever met a guy who only spoke in reddit post?
A man so convinced by conspiracy theories that he's lost touch with reality
Well, here's terry thomas
the conspiracy theory uber
(42:54):
What's going on man? Hey, how you doing?
Doing good doing good. Where are we headed today, man? I gotta go to croakers croakers. Yep. What you picking up the croaker?
I'm probably a couple condoms and maybe some food fish food something I can get behind that but I can't support you supporting croaker
Why not? They're a bunch of child sex traffickers. Everybody knows that
(43:16):
I don't know where did you hear that shit? I saw it on reddit
the most
Valuable accurate news source that this nation has in this in this age of fake news where this shit has become acceptable
Just false journalism yellow journalism. What are they gonna say next of lucentania? I don't fucking know man
I don't fucking know. What kind of condoms are you gonna get from crow? Uh
(43:40):
the magnum
Magnum. Yep
You know magnum condoms are actually unusable
They're the worst kind of condom because that's what big pharma wants you to think big pharma
I want you to think that people have these large penises so you feel insecure about your own, but there's never been a
Wrecked penis recorded in human history over four and a half inches and that's just the truth
(44:06):
What that's why you got to stop drinking out of plastic water bottles
It's enlarging your gooch and shrinking your wiener. I heard about it on joe rogan
There's a lot going on a lot going on and nobody's fucking talking about
You just buy children on wayfair wayfair. How the shit is that? How do you know that? I heard about it
(44:27):
Reddit, you know, three six mafia did 9 11. Did you know that now? Why would they why would they do that?
They're jealous dude. The towers were taken away too much from the memphis party scene
So they decided to fly commercial jetliners into the fucking towers man. I'm telling you so they flew it
They flew it. How are they still alive?
Nothing that doesn't make any they jumped out at the last second
(44:51):
Using invisibility technology was this reddit also
No, this I saw with my own two eyes. Oh, oh you saw I saw maybe that was just people burning
I I feel like that could have been that
Could have been I don't know. Maybe maybe I don't really know. I wasn't born until 2002. I don't know
Oh, okay
You know when you know when you have to refuel the gas the gasoline in your car and you have to touch that little handle
(45:15):
Uh, yeah, they know that everybody has to do that. The government knows this
So what big gas does is they put pheromones on the handle?
So when you touch it, you actually turn gay
Yeah turn and you think that driving an electric vehicle would solve that issue
But you're just gay inherently if you drive an electric car
So, I mean it's really a double-edged sword. What the fuck am I supposed to do walk?
(45:39):
So i'm secretly a gay man then because i'd be messing with that
Hey, hey, it's better you find out sooner rather than later. I got a few
I got a sister. She runs a conversion therapy camp. I can get you a groupon discount or something
Here we are at the kroger man. Go support them child traffickers. You go support mental health brother. Thank you brother
(46:01):
Dream on
What a fucking weirdo man, here's terry thomas the conspiracy theory uber
Uh
Howdy terry yeah terry
How's it going on man? What's going on? Where where are we headed to today?
Oh the vbc you watching a performance of some kind. Oh, yeah drag show with the vbc. Oh drag show
(46:27):
You're falling for that liberal propaganda
Uh, I wouldn't call it falling for it. Well, no i'd call it falling for i call falling in love
I'm not a type of smitten with it. Yeah, just don't procreate. You know, I know you I know you guys have a limit on that
Anyways, but just do the world a favor
Did you know in 1994 the united states government sanctioned a lab in santa fe
(46:51):
To create a non-lethal explosive device that when emitted or when exploded ignited it emits
pheromones that make enemy soldiers gay
And that they they created it they never used it for war my theory is that they're putting them in the air systems in public schools
And that's why we got all these gays
I think it's more like a natural evolution. You know what I mean?
(47:15):
Kind of like how dessert evolves from dinner
Or islam evolved from christianity the one true religion
You know, I think
That we should have some way of creating a better school system wouldn't you agree with that?
I think we definitely should have a way. I think you know, we might have found common ground
(47:36):
We should have a way to create a better school system
Now how I would do it is I would take students that had similar
Characteristics and put them in one school and then put the other ones in a different school and then send way more
money to the one that we like
You know, I also believe that we should help the environment
We should we should save the environment because all these fossil fuels are burning this hole in those only
(48:02):
Well, i'll be damned. You know what I think you
You might be a lefty yet and what we do we've got to nuke mars
We've got to blow up mars and then take their
atmosphere
And then take it as our own and then say that that it was ours the whole time
That's what i've been doing since my whole life
(48:23):
I believe that every citizen in america should be able to own a nuclear weapon. It's just it's constitutional
The right to bear arms
I think our forefathers were aware that nuclear weapons were going to be created because they had already helped
Build the pyramids with the aliens
They knew nukes were around they knew they were coming
(48:45):
And they wrote that with that in mind, but that's not what the liberals want you to think
You know
I'm beginning to think you know, I didn't like that khanye character at first
But he's really started to grow on me in the last couple years, especially these past six months
I agree with almost everything he stands for
I almost quite literally have to say the opposite
(49:10):
Have you heard of this this app called sheen you buy any clothes from sheen
No, the only app I buy clothes on is team what's sheen?
Sheen is like this app where all the whores buy their bikinis from because they're real cheap
And uh essentially it's a group of child sex traffickers
Because I bought a pair of shorts from there and not any of the gay ones
(49:30):
Just a normal pair of shorts with the long inseam that go past my knees. It's almost like i'm wearing capris that are loose fitting
But uh in the in the tag of the shorts was stitched help me
Help me
Twice twice. Oh my god twice for dramatic effect
He really wanted to make sure he got the message there or she i'm not i'm not as sexy
(49:53):
That's wild and does it say where it was made? I like this seems like it was made
Let's say it at the same time. All right, one
two
three
Bangladesh
Bangladesh all that is is a puppet government set up by the chinese
It's the same fucking place. It's like china taiwan taiwan korea. They all share the same history
(50:14):
There's nothing culturally or ethnically different about those regions. Here's terry thomas the conspiracy theory uber
This week's featured comedian
This week's featured comedian
Um, how are you guys i had a certain previous
(50:35):
The doctor said because of the muscle groups we worked on you should probably wait at least a month to have sex
I was like that's fucking nothing to me, dude
I put it in the deepest waters of the dryest spells. Why do you think I can't fucking do it idiots?
I can fucking do it, dude
Trust me
(50:56):
I don't know man. My surgery was weird because they were like we can schedule everything here
But you'll have to have the surgery in room 12
It's like why dude is my hernia racist?
Is it like that? Yeah
Like shit fuck no, dude, seriously
(51:18):
I don't know dude, uh, they shaved half my pills. They didn't tell me they were gonna do that
You know
I'm just saying man. My dick looks like it was in the civil war. You know what i'm talking about?
I'm just saying dude. It's like mutton chops on the cock. You ever seen mutton chops on the cock dude?
I don't know man
(51:39):
It's gonna put a damper on my dating life dude. I was having a hard enough time before my nutsack had a fade
I'm telling you dude because i'm autistic and shit, but i'm still trying to fuck you know what i'm saying?
Like i'm just waiting for my big break man love on the spectrum. You don't talk about all the things
(52:00):
I just can't wait to see that beautiful girl home or none of us can make eye contact dude
It's gonna be great dude. Our love is just as special as yours
I can't tell who you are if you're a woman or not, but you know
Yeah, okay, thank you guys for coming out
(52:23):
I always gotta position myself to where I can see you guys and then if Brandon says something I can look over there
Yeah, one of these days. I might just snap my neck and just die on the podcast
Like that little episode you had earlier
That was crazy, yeah, I was scared shitless. I seen something on the hat
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jake I thought Dom almost had a stroke earlier
(52:46):
He just went cross-eyed and looked like he was going burnt toast. He said you good there Mohammed. What's going on?
Is the spirit pulling you in two different directions?
Since we're having Jake on you know, I usually cook for the guests before we had matzah ball soup
Delicious. Hell yeah
My diet actually matches Dom. So it's all right
(53:07):
Okay
We both uh have to you know
Cut it to the east
Dude
If you I did turn your head and snap Brandon would have played like a sound effect. Yeah
911
The niggas dead. Hell yeah, dude. All right. So we got a special guest here today. No, it didn't. Hell yeah, man
(53:30):
We got dude the fastest up and comer in the game dude shooting to the top
It's like watching one of his sets is like watching a master class of just pure comedic genius, dude
But if the dude doing it was severely drunk
It's it's the greatest thing i've ever witnessed dude we got jake muncie man
(53:54):
I'm getting retarded. How are you?
Already, man. How you feeling man? I'm good, dude. It's uh, it's good to be on. Hello. Brandon. How are you man?
I'm doing good. Hell. Yeah, man. That's good. There are a lot of people in here, huh? Yeah almost too many but fuck no, dude
Jake I got a question for you man. Yes, I know like this is a question i've been wondering for a while. Where's my camera?
(54:20):
Put on some dramatic he's not supposed to be aware there are cameras. Yeah. Yeah, that's my cameras here
He can't look anybody in the eyes. So they have to have to go somewhere. My mom says the same things
I don't know why he's doing this. Yeah, he's doing it for different reasons
Zing we're doing it comedy. How are you guys? What is your question? JJ god damn?
(54:43):
Band-aid on your hand, man. Always has the eggs in my dude the eggs
No, but it's clear because when you go into jake's bathroom
It's just blunt ashes and band-aid wrappers in the trash can next to the toilet 100. Hell yeah dude
That epic shower curtain he's got
Yeah, that's beautiful. That's a work of art. Yeah, it's it's eczema
So like I'm worried like if I'm just like up there and there's just like just disgusting like inflamed skin like all over my hand
(55:09):
They'll the whole time they'll just be like what the fuck is that?
It'd be like if I was wearing like a rainbow afro and I just never said anything about it
You know what I mean the whole time they just be like
You know at the rainbow afro. Yeah, so that or Michael Jackson gloves usually does the trick dude slick material
Oh, that's what the fucking home alone thing
Okay, so make sure I'm starting to click now
(55:33):
You were you're hiding your hair no, I said in fifth grade I died my hair like rainbow shit
I should have fucking known that one. Yeah, that's on me. You really died your hair and rainbow because it was a hair died day
So they I said I just look like a clown. Uh-huh. They're pull up looking like hey
I'm a full circle and all comes it comes around. Yeah, he was the origin story nine. Yeah, I
(55:54):
skittle on heroin
Brandon's the funniest dude alive man. This was telling you
Fuck alright, so Jake you and Brandon banging that out a lot lately. Yeah, man. We've been hanging out dude. He's a bomb
He'll come over man, and we'll fucking play video games
Brandon's like you know Brandon will hang out
(56:18):
He's the only one of you guys that can like really hang and like I mean I can't drink
I can't drink with you a lot of you guys, but like a lot of you guys you can't really can't really put away
Certain other things Brandon can put away certain other things like a motherfucker
Brandon is Wiz Khalifa
Khalifa, I look over sometimes and he just goes yeah. Yep. Yeah
(56:47):
He can put it away dude, oh, yeah, so Jake is one of the rising stars of Huntsville comedy. Thank you
How long ago did you start coming? I did it for like the first time in
Nashville and then I quit and then the pandemic and I was like you kind of suck dude and I
Started up again. I don't know why I must have been drunk, and I've been drunk ever since doing comedy
(57:07):
But my first time starting back up was like a couple months ago right around the time
Brandon was starting up and you guys were starting up and it was a
Shenanigans comedy theater where they have all the laughs the yuck yucks and the walla walla shout out shout out
Very diverse and
They I did a set there, and I was the first time I saw Heath and I was like holy shit, dude
(57:31):
I went up like almost directly after he I
Went up early which I don't usually do but like I was like I just got to do this and get out of here
And he set the room on the fire of course he did on the fire. Yeah, I had
What were the chances that you just be there all that night with a world-class comedian?
It wasn't a normal open mic there was a there was like a hundred dollar prize dude. It was a kumite
(57:54):
It was a comedic kumite in there, and Heath killed everybody. He just walked in and fucking slayed people and
Yeah, I went up there and ate shit, and I was like yeah
Probably probably will quit and then I got the urge to do it again
I was gonna do it again, and then I went to a can of bar and
Did the Australian set and I was back in I remember I remember the first time I seen Jake it was in a
(58:18):
Probably seen you in shenanigans, but I think I did I seen you in shenanigans
And I was like I was telling everybody like dude this new guy looks just like the dude from Tim and Eric
I remember you telling me the member. I was like I was I was Tim yeah Tim
He's and we'll put a picture of him right here
I was like he looks just like it's when we're at can of bar
You know I could see now. I know Jake. He's doing that little thing trying to introduce himself to people
(58:41):
This guy's fucking funny, and I'm telling them there. He didn't like it. He didn't like it when I say he was
I didn't know who he was at first. I didn't know what was going on
It is unfortunate where we shop at the same place
(59:03):
Goddamnit that looks like Jack next to me, dude
That was just me and Jack at the speakeasy
The night we bonded and touched butts a little you remember don't act like you do you son of a bitch?
No, I'm kidding tell you dude. I
Don't know man
Damn, I don't I don't even remember when you popped up man
(59:26):
I just knew you and Charlie sprung up around the same time
Who the fuck are these guys?
best of us dude
So funny oh my god. He's so funny. He's so funny. He'll say jokes
I it'll take me like two or three times
That's why when I watch Charlie I feel like I'm watching because you got it takes you so long to get it jokes
(59:46):
Sometimes you know because he has so many I think that might just be you don't know
I think the rest of us perfectly understand the jokes
Think that's a user error recipient
There's a lot of people like me JJ
(01:00:08):
Yeah, and they should be in other places, but yeah, dude, and they leave school early no
I think it out of 215 have a more compact vehicle Dom hell. Yeah, dude. It's shorter if you will
Their Olympics is special. They don't play chess
Not wrong. Oh, yeah, dude. There's nothing funnier than the Special Olympics, man
(01:00:35):
He used to go I
Was helping them do shit, so you couldn't even make the team with a special and I wasn't on that
Brandon is there Michael Jordan
My friend had at work because he had a special dude constantly trying to sexually assault him the whole time
I he was guiding him and do have any touching mission. He's like just let me touch you like no man get the fuck off
(01:00:56):
This sounds like one of those my friend stories. It's like my friend has trouble talking to girls
I would handle that I mean how he would handle that or she would handle that how they would do it
Dude, they wanted to be into women or whatever
She was a I had somebody look like door to explore a very nice person. Oh, well, then what's the problem dude door explorers?
(01:01:19):
Huh? No, I'm kidding
I'm just kidding. Did you imagine that's a stance I took for the next 30 minutes. I'm like door is so fine, dude. I'll show you the fucking map
Yes, the live action door of course, of course I'm talking about the live action
Why would he not be fucking insane and shut up dude, what are you trying to say man the fuck dude?
(01:01:47):
Let me show you guys some watches and shit
Maybe you're not alone
There's levels to this shit
Next level yeah
Oh my god
(01:02:09):
Yeah, yeah, you're a you're a fucking monster dude. Thank you man. And you're like a laser killers
I'm like a what you like a lover boy to talk about during this section. Yeah
Oh, we don't talk about you guys during the section or look under the table. I planted questions here a month ago right next to your feet
I'm into feet. Yeah, we can talk about that. We can talk about it
(01:02:31):
It's akin to being a lover boy
I can only imagine what that sound effect was
It was a sound effect and you guys put in an image of a woman clapping with her feet
Put your headphones on
Oh shit
I can't put on headphones man it makes me feel so funky
Okay hold on are you ready? This is what it sounds like
I'm in defeat
I'm in defeat
I'm in defeat
(01:02:53):
Okay hold on are you ready? This is what it sounds like
Yes
And then you got this one
And then you got that one
Nice
Do we have any rim shots?
We're gonna explore these all in the wrong way but we're gonna love it
Do we have any rim shots?
No that's it
Oh you mean this one?
Yeah
(01:03:15):
I was hitting some of those
Oh yeah he didn't have headphones
Sorry about that
We need to customize those man
I think you can
We can have just clips of Brandon
No dude
We can have a real Jake the Autistic soundboard dude
Oh fuck yeah man
Oh fuck yeah man
I love you dude
(01:03:37):
The love is real
And this one
Nice
Nice
What are you doing?
JJ's soundboard is just like slurs
Oh shit
The N word is like a bright red one
That's the new button dude
It changes every 15 seconds for that one
Brandon struggles on his
(01:03:59):
It's just like guinea wop polo shit
I accidentally hit JJ's and panicked
They be like it's so confusing
Oh man
Oh man
So it's all about feet for you?
No man it's not all about feet
They're not gonna make me cum but they gotta be a part of it
You know what I'm saying
Brandon high five
(01:04:21):
When they get the foot out for you
Nah man
Made money with his feet
You know Brandon did make money with his feet
He's actually the only one here
He was like hey man you flash your foot for a second
You get two or three dollars
Two or three dollars easily made
For a second
No no that's my bro man with my pals
See this country is struggling
(01:04:43):
Because not enough people have the attitude that Brandon does
Somebody's gotta do the dirty work
Whether it's showing pictures of your feet on FaceTime
To your bros
Cleaning homeless people's shit
Off the wall at Publix dude
Or carrying the Huntsville comedy scene on your back
He's doing it all
He killed Stenoblade
Yes he did
You killed too
(01:05:05):
Thank you
We all fucking killed dude
There was only two people maybe
That didn't do well that night
It was a hot crowd dude
A lot of women with open toed shoes
You know what I'm saying
Even though it was 40 degrees
It was cold as shit
They knew what was up I'm kidding
Do you dislike the winter season
(01:05:27):
Because it kind of neutralizes the feet smell
I love the winter man
He's a Nordic
Yeah dude 100%
Just like Squeak's bro
Those dirty forest dwellers dude
I fucking hate them man
I don't know why everyone has that same
I'm way too hairy to be
Entirely human you know
(01:05:51):
I don't know what's going on
Are you technically a ginger?
Dude yeah I was red headed my whole life
And then recently people were like
You're red headed?
And I'm like yeah you fucking retard
What the fuck do you think is going on
I certainly took the licks for it
What are you trying to play me?
I'm notoriously fiery tempered if you can believe that
They say I have anger problems dude
(01:06:13):
That's fucking insane
It's bullshit man
I know dude
He's like do you drive here? And he's like of course I drive here
And I'm like maybe you're fucking stupid
Maybe that's what's going on
Of course I don't have anger problems man
The court made me go to class to solve them
Fucking idiot dude
I reformed cocksucker
You got like a copry
(01:06:35):
Like Amelia Earhart
Thank you man
Thank you dude
JJ is such a beautiful man
Jake I told them earlier
When I got off stage at Homegrown on Friday
This lady in the crowd right when I got off
I saw her showing a picture of Danny McBride
To one of her friends dude
Definitely talking about me
As Kenny Bowers
(01:06:57):
She was like you know the guy
Oh my gosh
Wait Brandon go that second picture
That's Jake
With the fucking leather jacket and everything dude
Time table
That's a compliment dude she was a pioneer
I didn't know that's what they meant when they said
Grandma was missing dude
I had no idea
She looks like Andrew Jackson too dude
(01:07:19):
I look like I got Andrew Jackson
Amelia Earhart
I got Andrew Jackson hair Amelia Earhart face and Amelia Earhart has
Half Andrew Jackson face if I do say so myself
Can we get the two of them
Side by side or is that fucking
Beyond the scope of the class Brandon
It's going to take fifteen minutes
Let me charge it out
Where's that on the fucking sound board
We just saw the screen go completely blank dude
(01:07:41):
What the fuck
Oh shit I saw it disappear
Is that a panda bear
I just noticed that I thought it was just a random assortment
Of like geometric shapes I didn't know that
That's just the DMT
Alright so here's Andrew Jackson
And in here is
Dude that is fucking me
You said which one
Get the bill picture
(01:08:03):
I'm really sorry to the native in 20s
It's right there
The bill picture is solid
That really is Jason
You ever seen a 20 dollar bill Brandon
I've had it a couple times
Are you going to get pissed if they
Replace Andrew Jackson with Harriet Tubman on the 20
Fuck yeah dude what does she do for this country
Damn
Oh yeah I forgot who she was sorry
(01:08:25):
She was the first free runner
I forgot
That's an old Key and Peele skit
Oh yeah I remember that
Dude they were amazing
Andrew Jackson did so much
The Native Americans won in court
If it wasn't for Andrew Jackson
Just saying you know
How fun would Georgia really be
Not as much fun as it is now it's not much fun
(01:08:47):
Alright that one was a flop
Alright that's my bad
Native Americans they're sore losers
Right no I'm kidding that one's a flop
Alright that was
One of my hardest jokes to ever pass
Bush Midgets
What's that one I'm laughing
I was like the Pygmies
I was writing a paper on Pygmies
I was doing a segment about the slurs of Pygmies
(01:09:09):
And I was like
What if I made up one who would fucking know but me
And I did
And it went over pretty well
And it was Bush Midget
And I tried to tell it on stage and people were like
Oh no not the Pygmies
You don't fucking know any shut up
But yeah
Didn't work well
You guys ever have any jokes that
(01:09:31):
Can we still see him next to Amelia Earhart
Oh no he fucking identified dude
You ain't gonna be able to do him
Alright fuck it Brandon
What about you guys
You guys didn't have any jokes that like never fucking work
I got a ton of them
I got
Some of my favorite ones
I got one that I really like
I told Dom about I only told it
(01:09:53):
Once or twice and I said it on
Stage at Shenanigans one time
And this lady from the crowd went
Oh no
I love this joke
I went on a field trip in the fourth
Grade to Cathedral
Caverns it's a local cave here
And I was really scared of the dark
When I was a kid and at the end of the tour
I didn't know it but they turned off all
(01:10:15):
The lights in the cave
And when they
Turned off all the lights I punched this girl in the stomach
Like uppercutted her
I felt it I connected with something dude
The lights turned back on
And the fourth grade
In Alabama it was her brothers dude
But the lights turned back on
And she's like crumpled on the ground
And everybody's looking around like
(01:10:37):
What the fuck like what happened
And you know situational awareness
The lights were out we're in Etowah County
Alabama I blamed it on a black guy dude
And
The punchline of the joke is
I feel bad about it to this day I threw him
Under the bus but at least it was the front of the bus
Dude great
And beautiful it's domestic
Violence and racism in the same joke
(01:10:59):
So a master class
It's a hard sell
I love that joke though
Mine is
So I was like
I was in the army for a long time
You meet a lot of different people right
And some of the people you meet are fucked up
Sorry
Some of the people are fucked up right
I had one dude who was
(01:11:21):
Is in jail for 30 years for being a rapist
I know another dude who
Killed his wife and his kids
Yeah and these are both true
And I'm like it's so you know you don't
Really think about it whenever it's happening
But you know they had subtle clues now looking back at it
Like the dude who went
Jail for rape he was really aggressive with women
Like when he was trying to talk to me to do the elbow
Grab
(01:11:43):
And the dude that
He was the guy he always told me
If his wife
He always told me if
If his wife ever cheated on him he was going to kill her and the kids
It's the subtle things
Well she should have done it
That's fucking great
That's fucking great
(01:12:05):
That was
Oh my god that's good
That's the time I bombed the hardest
Boxcar when Leann
Brought her family and they were not
Oh I remember this
I told that one there
One of the older ladies
Was just like
Pure disgust
She was wearing that red shirt
(01:12:27):
I remember her man
Utter disgust
What a fucking cow dude
I was going hard
I think I opened up with a
Sucking mustard gas out of Jewish people's
I think that was my
Opener
Nice
You were proposing
A solution why are they mad?
(01:12:49):
You know what I'm saying I'm trying to go back in time
Dude but you gotta get the flux capacitor
The flux capacitor
Dude
Once we find that we're gonna change it
When Dom hears a cool like smart term he memorizes
It for life and pulls it out of his
Back pocket
He fits it in the conversation perfectly
I got what Brad?
I'm trying to teach you something
(01:13:11):
You could be slow and use big words
Yes we can and that's what I'm gonna start doing
I'm like yeah man just continue on
This fucking crazy
Yeah
You gotta work on it a little bit
Supercalifragilisticexialidocious
That was close
Give yourself a round of applause
I can't
Brandon we love you dude
(01:13:33):
I couldn't even say it
Hell yeah
If you guys notice we don't have any notes here
I don't think we
First of all Jake's
Did you get an Instagram handle now?
No I don't have one yet
We're gonna make Jake an Instagram
And we're gonna put the name of the account right now
And we will run it for him
We will do it
(01:13:55):
I have
I might just convert my
Kat's Instagram to mine
Which shouldn't be too hard
I'll change the picture
What's the name of
Mr. Squeak Speaks
That's gonna be a comedy handle
Probably not when I say it out loud
We'll probably go with something
Cool like you know
(01:14:17):
JJ or I don't know
It's a cool one
It's an easy one to remember
Your name is actually dope as fuck
JJ Payton
Dom Carr is solid
Brandon Willis is solid
People struggle with my name dude
Charlie Swisher
What a drastic switch
I think he misheard Scott's speech
(01:14:39):
I think Scott said
He thought Scott said if you have a stage name
Don't use it
I think what he really said
If you have a stage name mention it on the papers
But Charlie heard
Don't use your stage name so he just went back
To Charlie Fisher
Went up there and killed with Charlie Fisher
In the most important place to kill
Yeah he did
(01:15:01):
Shout out Charlie
You beautiful son of a bitch
He's so good I stole his joke dude
Please keep the baby
I felt so bad
It was good though
I like how Charlie came back
He's like if you're gonna do it do it right
I texted him about it later I felt really bad
You know what fuck you Charlie
People laughed
(01:15:23):
I said it
Charlie has so many good jokes
He does bad
The sex shop dude
When he did
The troll doll story
For the first time
The whole point of the troll doll
The whole point of the troll doll
There's a Jonathan Silver joke
In there somewhere
(01:15:45):
Tongue twister
The whole thing that makes it funny
The whole thing that makes it funny
Is the call back
He did it recently
He did it without the call back
There was nothing at the
There was nothing at the end of the troll doll thing
He just went full autistic he was like strange
He was strange to silence
He was like strange that's what his face said to me
(01:16:07):
And then he looked at me and I was like it is strange
He murdered at the
Pleasures dude
Absolutely crazy
He's been killing for a while now
Charlie and I at Pleasures
Set the place on fire
We set the place on fire
(01:16:29):
Jake was there with just three people
Dude I was there with
At least eight people
And
Because there were six plus the staff
Who came in when they heard me
Cushing like thunder and lightning
Because I you know
It was almost a fire hazard
So I feel like they came in here to be like
Oh my god there's not an emergency is there
(01:16:51):
And
And once they saw that
No it was just glory they were like
Oh we have to stay for this because it could be history
And that's what happened they stayed
And they stayed and yeah but dude
Charlie at Pleasures was amazing
When he looked at the wall and he goes
He goes masturbate huh? He goes that's not how I put it on the wall
(01:17:13):
The place fucking died dude
Those two random people in the back dude
Were crying
Oh yeah Charlie was up there
Can you imagine what they do alone together
They were at a sex shop
Like on a Tuesday night
On a Tuesday night like
Watch the whole comedy show
Oh yes well into dark oh and had nowhere to be
They had nowhere to be they were like
(01:17:35):
We got plenty of time to get this bag of dildos home
They were like there's nothing we can do about it
Like there's like we have to be here
Dude they walked into a back room
Yeah
At a sex club at night
With random people drinking
They did not know what was going on
Thank god it was a comedy show
What do you think they were
Expecting it to be
(01:17:57):
Be like a whole cult closed the door
And they saw Jonathan
Come back here
Dude they were expecting a donkey
An underage girl and a bullwhip
That's what they were expecting dude
That's what they thought was back there
They thought there was chaos back there
That was funny
I think that Jonathan was in Indian style
In the front of the sex shop
(01:18:19):
He's 6'6
He's 6'6 with the tightest button ups you will ever see
On a grown man
Imagine seeing that
When you walk into a sex shop you see Jonathan
And then you see me walking around taking notes
Obviously drunk
Obviously drunk I took a picture
With every mannequin
And then you see me over there does it have butterscotch on it
What the f
(01:18:41):
What
I can't say that
What's up with the butterscotch
Is it on your mind dude
It's a flavor
It's a flavor
It's a flavor that they have there
A flavor of what
It's an oil
He keeps calling it an oil
They said it was like
(01:19:03):
Like some type of massage oil
Anything is lube
Don't be getting too hot and heavy in here
Hold on I know exactly
What the fuck it is
The best fiancee
Talk about a buttery nipple
No
You guys
Missed that, that was genius
That buttery nipple
(01:19:25):
What you gotta realize dude
All my genius goes
Unrecognized on this black kid
Because you're white
I say joking they just sit there they don't know what I'm talking about
What do you say
It wouldn't be the
First time one went past Dom
What do we do
What do we do it
I just said that's
(01:19:47):
Something about a buttery nipple
Talk about a buttery nipple
Yeah butterscotch lube
I get the shit
I get it
Hold on I get it
And on the nipple it makes
Nevermind
It makes a lot of sense
It does
It's not capable of like imagery
(01:20:13):
He bit all one
You know all that pleasure
That my autism got the best of me
And accidentally said I fuck dogs
No cause I would have remembered it forever
I remember
I remember
Y'all fuck dogs too I mean
Get your dogs to fuck
Then I went on talking about fucking invisible people
It was fucked up man
(01:20:35):
Everybody thought he said do y'all fuck dogs
Oh yeah
I'm glad I heard it on the camera
I thought you said dogs cause now I remember it
I was like I've never heard Brandon say that
I was like okay now it's getting
Darker
Usually these things are dark
He got sexually assaulted by a dog we learned that
That was so funny
Please do tell
(01:20:57):
Badger so in second grade
I was at my friends house I just got over my fear of dogs
He's like well do you want to meet my dog
I said yes I do want to meet your dog
So he put me in his backyard like
Come on Badger
And Badger ran over there and saw me
And he liked what he saw
And he liked the cats and all the other animals you see
He ran and charged at my little ass and jumped on me
And then he started humping me and shit
(01:21:19):
And then my friend was trying to beat him with a stick off me
And get him off me but nobody could get him off me
For like a minute or two
The dog got off though did he
Oh yeah once he got
Done then he went back in his little igloo
I got a story like that
When I was a kid my aunt had a big great day
And it like overpowered me and humped me dude
And it just goofed all over my legs and thighs dude
My supple hips
(01:21:41):
And she was like it goofed all over me
And she was like don't worry he's fixed
I was like yeah I'm not worried he's gonna beat me fucking pregnant
You dumb pun
Your dog came on me this isn't cool
It's never cool this can't happen
This is wrong
She just let it happen
And now I'm a stand up comedian
So what do you
I had a bit also
(01:22:03):
That's crazy
About a sex doll
Like I was trying to sell it to the audience you know what I'm saying
I'm like a partially used sex doll dude
I'm like I pointed to the guy and I'm like you want it
He'd be like no and I'd be like 20 bucks
Yeah and he'd be like no
And I'd be like you're kinda obious aren't you
Never really landed
Just like dumb dude
(01:22:25):
Crash landed
Oh god
My bottle of water
Yeah dude I went in on it
You're drinking that proper 12 dude
It's like Jake's girlfriend dude
Proper 12
Uh oh
Where's that
Oh shit
Is the joke that
(01:22:47):
My girlfriend is underage
It's however you want to take it
She might be a 12 out of 10 but that's where you went with it
I just didn't know if it was like that or she was Mexican
I just said
I was curious if it was that or she was Mexican
You remember that meme where she was like
She said she was 12 or some shit
I don't remember
Rhode Island 12
I know what you're talking about
(01:23:09):
They bust him for like talking to an underage girl
That's
Like a whatever a 9 year old girl
And he's like she said she was 12
And he said it and then just
Scattered off like an anime kid
She said she was 12 dude
Is it better
Is it better
It's still a kid
Yeah that is
(01:23:31):
I don't think it's better
It's not like my options
Oh my gosh
That dude right there
Play that
What the fuck was that down in the corner
Did y'all see that
Who are you waiting for
My friends
We know you're here to see an 11 year old girl
She said she was 12
(01:23:53):
Joseph we've got the
Screenshots where it shows that you've been
Sending pictures of your toes
Again
Joseph calm down
This is already being sent to the police
Wait hold on
Is this real
How did he get your shirt
Dude
How did he get your shirt
(01:24:15):
Go back
What the fuck
Is that Drake in that Sprite commercial
Hold on let me see I'll click on one D
So we don't see a video
She said she was 12
Oh man dude that's why Shane Gillis
Is in legitimate science
Look at the Gillis face on that guy
Dude
Hey save that picture Brandon that's literally your shirt
(01:24:37):
Dude
Shit man
She said she was 12
She said she was proper 12
What did she
I gotta know if this is real though
Cause lock him up if this is real
He needs to be locked away
What if he's 12
No look at that fucking haircut
What the fuck have you got on his head
(01:24:59):
I'm pretty sure he's got a beeper on his belt
That's the fucking
Tallest 12 year old I've ever seen
Hell yeah man
Oh my god say that one too
The anger in me to find out that she was Lyle in nearly 3 years
Witton's on me she had
And if a 12 year old girl witnessed that phase dude it's over
You're scarred for life
There's no difference between that face and when he comes
I get it
(01:25:21):
I get it
Lock his ass up
For life
Just execute that one
Execute that street golem dude
What the fuck
Oh shit
Now look at the video on the bottom left
What the fuck is that dude
Which one
Oh you were looking at that too
(01:25:43):
Yes man
Dude that's exactly what I was wondering
What the fuck
What is going on dude
Oh my face
Let me say this one that's Doris the explorer
From the tomb
Jake said she was hot
Hell yeah dude
I'd hit that
With a stick you know
(01:26:05):
I see
Geico commercials from 2006 with this
What
I don't even know what's happening right now
Are you talking about the caveman
How do you see Geico commercials from 2006 period
The picture that you guys are seeing right now is what we've been seeing this whole time
You've said
And you said Doris the explorer
And a Geico commercial
Yes
(01:26:27):
With this picture
Yes at first Doris the explorer from the lagoon
From the lagoon
And after that you got
What are we talking about
What is this person right there with the mug shot
How do we know that's a mug shot
Yeah
It's a fuck
It might not be a mug shot
I don't see any tallies behind her
(01:26:49):
I'll be honest I thought it was a mug shot too
There's nothing to indicate her height in that photo I will say
So it could not be a mug shot
Hey hold on
That could be a holding photo though for jail
I discovered an Instagram page
It's the best thing ever
It's called Mug Shotty's
It's one of the finest bitches mug shots
Follow it on Twitter
That's an amazing thing
(01:27:11):
You can find some girls that will do race play porn on Mug Shotty
They possess controlled substances, drug paraphernalia, aggravated battery, driving under the influence
They got everything
Conspiracy to murder is my favorite
You can't fuck with them the ones that kill people
Or be accessory to it
It's a one night stand dude
(01:27:33):
It's really going to be a one night stand
One night stand with lice
One night stand with lice
Exactly
It'll be the last one bucko
One night stand off
Because they're going to be in it to rob you
To rob?
I'm poor dude
I got robbed one time outside of a gas station
And this dude flashed a hand out of his gun at me
(01:27:55):
With his jacket and shit
And I got robbed for $11
And that was the more embarrassing part
I only had $11
You just gave it to me and ran off?
No, I mean I just gave it to him
And I filled up the gas in my car that I already paid for
Hold on
So what did he have?
What did he have when he was robbing you?
A gun
(01:28:17):
He showed me the handle had a zip up jacket
And showed me through his jacket
It might have been a drill now that I think about it
I mean honestly
I'm more scared
Jesus was a carpenter dude
But he didn't make weapons
I'm almost more scared of a guy that tries to rob me
With a drill than a gun, you know what I mean?
That dude's insane
I'd rather get shot than get drilled
(01:28:39):
He'll probably take his time on you too
He takes his time when he drills you
Outside of the gas station
If he completely incapacitates you
Does he cut off both your arms first and then come at you with the drill?
Fuck
No, he's going to go straight to the temple with the drill bit
He's going to lobotomize you at a chevron
He goes straight to the temple
And you're fine
How would you do it?
(01:29:01):
I would run away immediately
Then he would come at me with the drill bit
All loud and shit
If you were the guy with the drill bit
And you were going to kill somebody, how would you do it?
Would you go straight for the temple?
I would probably put down the drill
I feel like you would get in the way
I would probably put down the drill
And find some other
Use another way to do it
(01:29:23):
Or just hit you with the drill
Get in that jug
You could pistol whip somebody with the drill
Sure, pistol whip somebody with the drill
You think you're just going to overpower everybody you come in contact with?
What's a big ass motherfucker who got this drill?
Big ass motherfucker with a drill is a different story
Ushigari, take the drill
I think I said Ushigari
Ushigari
Get the arm
(01:29:45):
Break it
Hopefully the arm with the drill, take the drill
And run
And now you have a drill
I don't know, why don't you just drill him?
Yeah
I don't want to kill a guy with a drill
I want to sleep
So I would just break his arm
That's a more honorable way than a gun
To drill somebody?
(01:30:07):
You have to get up in there to get the drill
You give them a fighting chance
They can smack the drill
There's no honor in
To the death combat
There's no fair fights, just leave
You don't want to die by drill like a
Dahmer victim
That's fucking retarded
Just like his victims were for the six seconds they lived
Before dying
(01:30:29):
Damn
You wouldn't have stayed there and uh
And murdered him with a drill? No
I wouldn't have
I would have run
I would have Ushigari'd dude, I would have passed the guard
I would have got side control, I would have isolated the arm
I would have put him in an arm bar
And I would have had like Spiderweb
And I would have fucking broke that motherfucker
And taken the drill and ran dude
(01:30:51):
Snapped that motherfucker
Maybe choked him out for funsies
Fucking G
Hell yeah, 10th planet Jujutsu Decatur dude
Show up if you want to change your fucking life
Dude I guarantee you if I walk in there with a drill
Nobody's taking me out dude
Dude you will die instantly if you walk in there with a drill
I'll get in the corner, I'll have the drill right here dude
I'm protecting all angles, I've only got to worry about
Like half the usual space dude
(01:31:13):
Because there's two walls behind me, it's math dude
Hell yeah dude
Honestly if you go to a corner I don't see how you can be defeated
That's what I'm saying dude
I stand corrected dude
That's why Napoleon lost, there's no corner, he's in an open field
What the fuck you doing?
Honestly I was pretty confident until he was like
Does your building have corners? And I was like yeah it has corners
And he was like alright dude fine, you got us with the drill
Good job
(01:31:35):
I'm the corner coroner dude
I'm killing people in the corner
Hell yeah
I'll put you in time out
I'll put you in rotation
That could be your wrestling name
The corner dude
And then your special moves are always in the corner
And then you fight Brandon
Oh yeah I fight Brandon
(01:31:57):
Brandon who's your character?
My character, shit hold up man
Let me tell you what this nigga's called
I have his fucking name, his name would be
BW the Bomber
This nigga would be like a boxer, he got all this type of combos
And shit it's like Rocky, Kreese
Hell yeah I'm throwing bombs
This is like motherfucking Tyson
BW Bomber versus
And Bass Rooting bro
(01:32:19):
Hey dude, they have midget wrestling at the
Boxcar
Get in there, ask them
Throw them $50 and let us use the ring
For a skit
Oh I thought you were going to say throw them $50 and let Brandon
Participate
Like we shave his shins off
And we get him in there dude
I wonder about
I'm not Brandon the Bush Midget dude
(01:32:41):
Nooo
Oh that's a good one
Oh my god that's funny dude
They already had that guy in WWE
They did? Yeah they had somebody like that
Oh not Brandon the Bush, oh I thought you were talking about
Like a Bush man or something
A Bush man?
That's what I thought he said, I was like the Bush man
Dude I got this
Every time I tell somebody this story
(01:33:03):
Nobody laughs, I don't know why I think it's funny
Just because I'm this fucked up
So he's talking about Bush man right
Y'all remember Faces of Death?
Okay so Faces of Death was this thing you buy on a cassette
And you watch a whole bunch of fucked up shit
Most of the time people are dying
And one of the only ones that I still say this shit to this day
Is like a Bush man
And this African army was like
We're the black bomb soldiers and he was like
(01:33:25):
I am not a black bomb soldier but I can tell you what a black bomb soldiers be
And I say that still to this day
Like when I greet friends
I haven't seen them like, they text me
Like I am not a black bomb soldier
But then they was like
Okay okay and the American
Or British white guys
Talking to him, he was like you're gonna let him go
He's like oh yeah he's gonna be safe, he's gonna be safe
And then the camera just cuts to him getting shot
(01:33:47):
And dragged across his chest
Damn
It was completely ethical dude
It's fucked up at the end
But he was ready to snitch on all the black bomb soldiers
Whoever the black bomb soldier is
This thing was about to snitch on all of you
I am not a black bomb soldier but I can tell you what a black bomb soldiers be
And then the beat drops dude
(01:34:09):
I am not a black bomb soldier but I can tell you what a black bomb soldiers be
Dude I would have remembered that forever
Just like I remember
What you said to Brandon the other night
We were hanging at my house
And y'all were about to crash on the floor
Hell yeah we were fucked up
And you had a bread of the blanket
He goes alright you got the floor on Brandon goes
(01:34:31):
Just like that real quick dude
And Brandon before Brady could say anything
Dom was just like alright you got the floor
And Brady was like what and Dom goes
Huh
Brady go get on the floor
He was about to say what is that huh
I slept on the floor I was knocked out
That shit was so funny dude
(01:34:53):
Yeah that was
We're like some big ass kids like we're having a sleepover
We're just at the house
He has no full leaf covers
This is five in the morning
You had to pick a section of your body that you wanted to be worn
You just got to use squeaks as a pillow
I didn't expect to have you know
People in the life
God bless comedy
(01:35:17):
You give me biscuits
What is this biscuits you keep on saying
When they do that thing
Oh that's what that's called
Making biscuits
I've heard this term
I want a cat dude
Hell yeah man
I want another cat
We could all go cat shopping together
And it wouldn't even be gay a little bit dude
(01:35:39):
How is it gay dude it's all about pussy dude
Hell yeah
We all pay for pussy and go together
You're such a good person with that man
We found our first clip
Young Williams
What?
Nevermind
Rim shot please
(01:36:01):
Thank you
There it is
Jake it's been a
It's been a pleasure having you on
And
I mean you guys just seen what he's about right
This is what you get all the time
If you go out and see him on a show
And people who are booking shows put this man on him
JJ
You said it before
(01:36:23):
I was hey fuck everybody
Fuck Dom fuck everybody dude
I said that Jake was the funniest comedian in Huntsville way before anybody
I saw it dude
I saw the talent that he had
You don't understand dude I'm Nick Saban
I'm the fucking Nick Saban of Huntsville comedy
I know which comedians are going to be good
Now become friends with them the other ones
Fuck them dude I don't talk to them
(01:36:45):
I'm just kidding dude
I love you I love everybody
Yeah he was kidding there's a little rim shot
All the new people are good
All the new people are good
Shout out Jake, Charlie, Min
Blake
Min my future wife
Blake Hayden
Shout the fuck out dude he's getting so much better
He was already like when he first
(01:37:07):
Got up I'm like damn this guy you know this is
His first time he did
I'm so glad he kept coming back
He kept on coming back
He's better than he should be for sure
He just proved it on stand up live
He put it all together and he delivered
A good sex
I'm sorry I said I had sex with your dad
For a bit
And I was very drunk that night
(01:37:29):
They sell Four Locos and that's irresponsible
But I've been craving one ever since
To be honest with you I don't know what that's about
They make me feel young again
You think I won't fucking kill you for a Four Loco
You are out of your goddamn mind
It's the best flavor Jake what's your favorite Four Loco
The strawberry lemonade
Hell yeah that's the right answer
There's nothing else
You had fruit punch
(01:37:51):
Hell yeah dude
Which one did you guys have? I had the fruit punch
I didn't know they had strawberry lemonade
They have the green and I hate green apple
They have green red and then strawberry lemonade
Fuck green apple dude what are you a fucking immigrant
The flavor of a real
You sour puss dude
What the fuck your PH balance is off
You guys are fucking killers dude
They aren't going to like that one dude
(01:38:13):
You're fucking killers
This has been fun
Hell yeah
And Brandon too man
Thank you man
Thank you
Brandon just had a nice proper kill in Birmingham
And in Huntsville
And then my boy Tyler
He came out and seen us
He was there last night too right
(01:38:35):
He came out and seen us at the Newbie show
And he's been in love
He watched all the podcasts back
And he keeps on talking about it
He's like we got to get a camera on Brandon during the interview
Because he just said something like we just want to see his face
We got it now
You got the fans out there claiming before you Brandon
I really do
Brandon's corner
We're going to have first three cameras
(01:38:57):
Hopefully it works
We got three cameras dude
What is this a fucking porno
Here we go dude
Let's get on the table
I would tell you to tell the camera whatever you got
But you don't got shit
You want to tell Mr. Squeaks
You want to follow that
Mr. Squeaks speaks on Instagram dude
Oh and he's got a YouTube channel
(01:39:19):
It's got a name
We'll get it
We'll put it on there
But he's also got a YouTube channel
He's constantly just fucking up birds dude
He's just so good at it
Born hunter
That's pretty much it
I have other social media
Connected to other things
That I don't necessarily want connected to comedy
(01:39:41):
We'll cut that
Alright, yes, Brandon
Rim shot you son of a bitch
Thank you
Thanks big dog
Let's go eat
Let's go eat
This week on clown college
Then they'd be like you look like a Logan Roadhouse dinner roll and shit because I used to be bald my mom will cut
My hair like in the kitchen. Oh, why is that the motion for cutting your hair?
Cutting it with a fucking bow saw what happened?
(00:21):
We could all go shit cat shopping together and it wouldn't even be gay a little bit dude, and how's it gay dude?
It's all about pussy. Yeah
Person with that we found our first clip
This is the clown college podcast
We're just a couple open micers trying to make our way through the scene where we interview
(00:45):
Comedians throughout different stages of their comedy career no matter if they're open micers
Headliners or traveling comedians, I'm here to Jamie 2.0. I just talked a lot more damn it Brandon
Go sit in the corner
Let's see how long it takes to get this apparatus
(01:07):
I'm a fucking professional god damn it. You look very professional do business profession. Oh, yeah, thanks
I'm a professional god damn it. You look very professional do business profession. Oh, yeah, thanks
Y'all are playing America's team today. Yeah, we are America's team. We're owned by our fans
(01:27):
Oh, yeah, I have is that is that for real? I've heard this
They own like ownership in the team the fans. Yeah, there's no owner. That's a public
Team the only team only team out there with no owner doesn't sound like America at all, man
Yeah
Jack brought us some proper 12. Hell. Yeah, yeah, Conor McGregor boom
(01:50):
It'll make you jacked it has like
Testosterone in it or something the steroids. That's what he's on. You see that fucking nose
He's gonna fight again, I think he's gonna fight again though Michael Chandler, they you know, they got rid of the
The drug test. Oh, yeah, they just yeah, that's why you coming back
Their solution was just just to get rid of testing all together. Do you want prime Conor McGregor? He has to take steroids for that
(02:16):
Dude, that's what I'm saying. Just let them all take steroids because why not baseball was way better when everybody was juiced a hundred percent baseball
So I don't even like baseball but I watch a Martin McGuire and Barry Bonds was bombing fucking shit every game
Welcome back to Plow College
Fuckin
Oh
(02:45):
Are you doing bread man, I'm doing good man, I'm doing great had long good week
Well, I got a good stand-up. It's been good. Hell. Yeah, man. Oh, yeah, Brandon like to hear
Did you see Brandon murder a stand-up laugh? I did I did you did I texted him about it?
Yeah, you did really good. I appreciate and then you replied and I was gonna reply but then I fell asleep
(03:06):
Brandon is a bad texter. I am he's a terrible texter. Yeah, he texted me once asked me if I got home safely
Which is strange considering I wasn't I didn't drink anything and smoke anything
I had to do those we for the first horseshoe skit with the dip
Oh, yeah, which I was fucked up off of it and I drove home and Brandon was so concerned
(03:27):
He texted me at 1 in the morning. I left at like 8 p.m
And he's like, did you get home? I was like, yeah, I managed I managed it was a battle
But I managed and then he texted me again like two days later. He was like, oh good
Really worried when you left that's a skit we could do what Brandon instead of a first responder he's the worst responder
(03:52):
I'm just freaking out with you. Oh shit Brandon in various historical events, dude
The Titanic he sees the iceberg, but then he goes on a smoke break. Yeah, it's still there
Let me think on this I'll be like I saw it. I didn't see nothing
I didn't want to bother you. Yeah, you were eating the sandwich. Everybody was so hyped
It was supposed to be the biggest
(04:14):
Vessel to go on the long. Yeah, you know what? I'll kill the vibe
Fuck it up. It came from a good place
Y'all remember now
Oh
But look we need to talk about Brandon Killing gonna stand up live
He fucking murdered every and you were going off script too. I could tell and that shit was hitting too
(04:36):
Oh and Alex got your set right? Yeah, be sensitive. So how about we insert a clip right here? Yeah
(05:07):
Can
Brandon said I hit him with that snack
I was expecting the
(05:29):
Badoom clicky
So stand up live we got to do an open mic there that was good that was good and they were like
(05:50):
It was like pretty much like an audition for future either showcase shows or being host
Yeah, I think Jake Dan Price hosted this one Dan Price. So shout out to him. That's huge
This is what comedy is he goes up there hosting. I think it's his first hosting gig, right?
Well, he has hosted home. Okay, so it was this first. I mean second, but they were back-to-back
(06:10):
Yeah, yeah, literally back-to-back right the same day. So this is his
Hosting gig one of his first ones and he comes up there his zippers undone his flies open
Yeah, I heard the call back but I wasn't there for the so he goes he goes up there
I think Bryce or somebody tells like your flies over he turns around but that's fucking so hilarious
(06:32):
He was and you could tell he did not
Unless he just played it really really well, but yeah, I wasn't there
Hey, let's do that though cuz some people be like, oh fuck it. Yeah, you just see some shit wangle in them
Well and stand up live your dick is like right by their faces. Yeah
True. You know what I mean? Like if they're in the front row, maybe that's why Bryce sat in the front
(06:54):
Starting to make a lot more sense now
Touched his microphone in the way that he did. Yep. Go back to episode four, I believe I think
Well, I don't know which one it is. It's episode four. Is it episode four? Yeah, Bryce Fletcher
He likes to stroke things and sit in front of cocks. Hey, nothing wrong with that. I'm not wrong with it
We support that. Yeah, it's welcome Dan encouraged
(07:21):
That's why they like you man, but uh
Yeah before stand up live the homegrown show it went good Dan hosted that
Okay, yeah ten minutes then I only did five then Daniel Castillo did ten and then sci-fi did thirty
He killed that thirty shout out to sci-fi. Yeah, he killed shout out
(07:42):
Speaking of sci-fi he's getting mad that his look for you
I'm putting it in front of the kill Tony ball because you killed so hard. Yeah, I'm 30 minutes
Yeah, we'll give you this. Are you bone? You want the applause with it? Give him an applause Brandon. Give him an applause. Good job
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry
(08:04):
Yeah, he did really well at that show but
What made me laugh so fucking hard man was I did my five and I walked to the back of the speakeasy
You know like those little curved booths. Yeah
Jalen was there he watched the show and sci-fi and I was sitting with them and there was this big long table in the middle
Full of like middle-aged white people
(08:25):
I think they were doing some family thing and the lady was showing her friend
I got off stage and immediately went back there and a lady was showing her friend a picture of Danny McBride
Can't ask Kenny Powers on her phone and I was like that has to be about
And she was like he looks just like him and she's looking at me looking back at her friend didn't say a word to me
(08:48):
I just don't exist in her world, dude. You're daddy big brother
Yeah, can you believe that shit dude?
That's hilarious
Yeah, you don't know who he is
We can have a whole nother conversation before he gets a picture
(09:09):
What were you talking about love let him see
You know from eastbound and down. Oh shit. Yeah, I know that dude. Yeah, yeah vice principals
Yeah, maybe I should do the good teeth pineapple Express pineapple Express. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right just gems
Jim Stone
He just pulled a me right?
(09:32):
Oh
So went to the grocery store today, you know, we're making some chili Jake months. He's gonna be on here
Yeah, this motherfucker right he won't but I was gonna say he I'm pretty sure he did the best at stand-up live
Oh, yeah, he killed he did the best. I think it was like him and Brandon
I believe were the best too in my in my opinion and the crowds opinion because they were popping but
(09:55):
so we're making chili cuz he's white and
With a side of potato salad
So went to the store everything is out because they're about to be like it's about to be like
Single digit degrees here and when that happens in Alabama, dude, the whole city plummets. Oh, yeah
(10:18):
Operational that's like walkers in Illinois. It'll be like three feet
It's not but you still need to get to work, you know that but they got the trucks and shit to clear it up
Go there nothing's there
And I was there was no bread and only the bread was there was like the great value bread
Which is hard and shit and like the bunny bread bullshit, dude
Because great value bread the sandwich bread blue label pack or whatever
(10:38):
It used to be 88 cents for like five years
And then they crept it up to 93 and now it's a full-blown dollar. Yeah, I wouldn't notice inflation
I noticed mm-hmm. She's crazy. That's what I mean. Y'all wanted to elect Biden. That's what fucking happens big state
I would like to say this. I don't know anything about Paul. I know very minimal people say Ron DeSantis
(11:02):
I don't even know if that's his name the Santas in that Florida guy. Yeah, Santa Claus
People say shit about him. Go to our intel guy back here Jack. I
Don't know anything about him. I seriously don't know any I know something about Disney World and that he hates trans people
Yeah, he just wanted I've heard
He's yogurt with his I don't like him now
(11:23):
I don't want to shake your hand your morals are fucked up of your finger finger and yogurt
Yeah, yeah, you got to be deep down into it got to get out the crevices though. My brother used to do that shit
He's a tear them pudding cups up. He used to fuck them
and
couture
We name couture
couture
well, so you get in there and you uh
(11:45):
He used to fuck these motherfuckers up like he'll eat it with the spoon at first and then you see him go down like a
chicken he'd be like
Tearing that shit the fuck
He'll get mad at me for saying that you know the kids at my school used to do back in the day man
Huh like ten years ago. Yeah, what they would do is get yogurt cups and they go up get it real quick
(12:05):
Suck it in like that. Yeah, dude. Did you did you ever Brandon?
This is probably more you were probably too old for this, but yeah, no, no, I'm not taking this shot. Okay
This is like 2013
Yeah, we'll say 2007
Oh, you know, we probably still had a white president, you know, but um, which times they animals the yogurt fuck they they made
(12:29):
a crush cup
Then the whole stick the whole marketing behind it was that you could crush it and just eat it and I remember seeing a commercial
For this when I was like seven or eight and I'm like, that's fucking awesome
I remember that but I got them and I used it and I realized
Every yogurt is a fucking crush cup. I
I fell for that fucking marketing. I'm like if you just squeeze it, it's the same fucking thing. That's all was
(12:52):
It's the regular
Hold on wrong one. That was funny man
No, I was like I remember being like seven and doing it and looking at like the other yogurt my grandparents had in the face
I'm like, that's just the normal like packing device. You can do that with any of that. Yeah, I
Felt so betrayed dude. Now is the first time I failed for like the American capitalism, bro
(13:15):
I've been pissed ever since yeah. Yeah, it's insane
You first that then great value breads a full-on dollar full-on dollar and it's shit bread
It's all it has it's not great unless you want it multi grain which in Alabama that was all there
You don't understand it was full of my great dude. What do you say? I've devoted years of my life
This is what I was getting industry
(13:36):
What I worked as a merchandiser for every bread company, okay can imagine dude. I know
Everything about these companies do I know the best breads the shittiest breads
I know which breads you should buy for like pregnant women and shit. I know everything
So what's the best bread the best bread like taste wise?
Mm-hmm that you can get is the Sara Lee artisano bread. Okay, it's thick. It's like a thick cut
(14:01):
You can get it in regular brioche. They have dessert loaves
Oh maple maple syrup cinnamon. They have like a seasonal like pumpkin spice one make French toast with that
You don't it's it's an it's a different experience. Okay. Okay, I'm telling you what's the best?
Bang for your buck bang for your buck shit, dude. I would go bunny
(14:25):
Honey wheat dude bunny honey wheat bunny honey wheat. I got a question
What's the best bread for black people the best bread for black people?
Um, well, I would say probably the same as white people man, but like black in particular
Yeah, because you know like some Johnny black. Oh, man, you get this your cholesterol might be higher sound
(14:46):
Keto bread man, you know bread get the keto way the Lewis keto bread
I want to be real careful with that one dude, dude. I used to get that when I was on keto. Yeah
It did I did I didn't stay but when I was on and the
I
(15:08):
Got you hold up there was a right one. It's always
But that Lewis bread the Hawaiian Lewis bread
Oh, I mean why and keto bread? Yeah, yeah, she's good, but it's like a half loaf for like 590
Yeah, you do or now it's probably up to like 624. That's insane
(15:29):
That is insane. But when you're on keto that shit tastes like fucking have like yeah
It tastes like you got it straight from France bakery and they got keto buns. Yeah, but those are I ain't keto buns
But those are why I never tried the Hawaiian ones
But the keto buns Lewis used to have were like I ain't taste good taste like shit kit
Lewis was the first company to do that man. Shout out to Lewis
Nobody gives a fuck about this conversation, but they were on that way before anybody else. Yeah, and they got the best stuff. I
(15:55):
I like their stuff people like people fall for like the fancier packaging
So they're not gonna buy Lewis as much as based off that but it's the best affordable quality bread
No, it's a okay in this conversation. Nobody gives a single fuck about first of all
You're a bread connoisseur you worked in this we need to know I want to learn to okay now I'm going about you
(16:18):
Guarantee, I'm going to buy Sara Lee artist in the artisano
I'm telling you dude. It's so good. It's so fucking good. I don't know but it's a hundred and ten calories a slice
Hey, that's a kick as fuck. Don't we worried about calories over there?
I'm just I just told you I wasn't okay for all the health conscious people out there. You know, it's 110. That's a lot
Yeah, how much is a regular? I mean a regular like bunny bread like if you were to buy a
(16:43):
Healthy life Lewis bread like any of those one slice is 35 calories
Yeah, but that's I mean, but like a regular like bunny bread. What's their slice? Probably?
If there's like honey, we probably 60. Okay, so 60 so like half it is significant
Yeah, that is good. It's me. I'm also I will say this and I'm glad that I'm getting a chance to talk about this
(17:05):
I am the world's best. I swear to you. I am the world's best at making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich challenge
I truly believe in myself in that Avenue more so than anything else
Like if there was like open mics for making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I'll be up there
I'd knock everybody's fucking socks off, dude
I'd be the Roscoe Ray Nathan a peanut butter and jelly making dude. Oh seven years
(17:29):
Shoes. Yo, can you make something after this? Yes and hot chocolate? I'm really passionate about my ability may hot chocolate
Are you using packets? Are you using actual chocolate? Yeah
Using pack. Yeah
I wear a clip-on tie fucking go into South American picking cacao beans make this fucking hot chocolate
Okay, it's it's Swiss miss. It's Nestle
(17:51):
Yeah, whatever the fuck we got in the pantry, but that's it's my resourcefulness my craftiness
Comparable to like Odysseus in the Odyssey dude. That's what makes me special man. I make the best out of a bad situation
Okay. Okay. Well you use a milk or water. Oh
That's a good question. I actually prefer water milk in the microwave. That just seems bad
(18:11):
Mm-hmm. I don't know. That's definitely not halal or kosher. No can't do that. You can't do that over here
We have a Jewish person on the podcast today
Everything has to be cool. We found Amelia Earhart and we're getting her on the pod
Congratulations wearing a scarf
You know, he's wearing the leather jacket. I won't have it in if he doesn't come here with the leather jacket
(18:31):
I would be all right
Yeah, he has to come here with this leather jacket. Oh, Jake Montes. Uh, you seen him on
episode three three with Nico and
It was crazy cuz he wasn't really supposed to be doing this JJ had to go and he filled in for him
Yeah, and then I my editing skills weren't that good. Nico's like
(18:52):
Nick cuz we made a lot of Jewish jokes on that right and then he's like you cut out every part that I was saying
I'm not a part of this
I didn't even realize I did it. I had no clue. I did it and I was like watching the back
Well, I did do that. We're clearing Nico's name. Yeah episodes later. Yeah with Nico did not he doesn't harbor any anti-Jewish
(19:13):
That's me
Just dumb
Okay, I love the juice
My boss juice that but I guarantee you that like a Jake's leather jacket is not like bovine leather
It's not cow. It's probably something like kangaroo leather
That's authentic leather. No, it's authentic, but it's just not from the animal that you think it's wrong
(19:34):
Like it's some weird shit like oh, yeah, you know, they use this method back in the day
It's like a fighter pilot Jack. He's that kind of yeah
I was sitting in his living room the other day and I thought he had like a pool cue
Sitting in the corner and like like that, you know how they have like the ones that break in half
Yeah, yeah cases and shit. I thought that's what it was. I was like, oh man. I didn't know you were in a pool like that
(19:56):
He was like no, that's a sword. Yeah, I was like what and it's a cane but the handle popped out and it's a fucking sword
I'm like dude what Jake thinks he's a king. He has decorative like arms all
Apart me has a fucking Civil War musket. Yep, and he has this cane sword. He has the katana
He bought Jalen a knife when he went away to Alaska by jail. I'm heartbroken. I think he leaves today actually
(20:22):
Yeah, he's leaving today to go to Atlanta. We're gonna miss him Jalen Brown first episode great great fucking guy
And I'm fucking hilarious, but I'm happy for him cuz he's gonna go there work on my cruise
Tour I don't know that something where they do like a dope though
What's that shit called tour buses like sure?
Yeah tour guide and where you get to make the jokes and that's why they wanted a comedian
(20:45):
Yeah, and then you get to go to Alaska a lot of people don't go to Alaska
You know what I mean, and then get to see the Northern Lights all he's going. Can you imagine Jalen at the Northern Lights?
It's like they're meant to be together. He might just absolve into the Northern Lights
What would you call a wolf watching the Northern Lights? Oh, what do you call it? I don't know. I still got a thing
(21:05):
wolf ahead lights
I just that's that's so hilarious man. I Jalen in Alaska
It makes so much sense, but no sense at the same time. I'm gonna miss him though, dude
He told me the Crispus Attucks of Huntsville comedy only he's gonna understand what I'm talking about
(21:31):
Crispus Attucks was a African American man that got shot during the Boston Massacre in like
1773 and me and Jalen just joked about it because uh
They have a sci-fi was talking about in the show Luke Cage. Yeah that Marvel made
They're having a some kind of I never watched this show
But they were having some kind of argument outside of the Crispus Attucks
(21:54):
Community Center or whatever and it's just funny because Crispus Attucks didn't really do anything historically significant
He was just there and got shot and they named a building after him
I was getting ready to say how the fuck do you know?
Who the fuck what'd you say his name was? Crispus Attucks dude did you go to fifth grade?
Yeah, yeah, like you know they get really hyper specific about weird things in American history and like the
(22:20):
Public school curriculum. Yeah, so everybody knows who Helen Keller is she didn't really I mean
it's up to debate whether or not she existed and what she did do is like
Semi-significant, I guess I'm not trying to be an asshole. It's like how do you learn to read them?
Right if you can't hear or speak or see how do you learn to write?
(22:41):
But how do you learn Braille because you have to have some kind of understanding of the English language or any language before you learn Braille?
Like if she's like in real conspiratorial, it's like you can
Alright this and then you grab this and then put her hand over and that's what this means keep on doing that
But she can't hear
(23:02):
Mm-hmm, and then you put walk
Okay, but she can't but she can't hear
She can't hear or see yeah, she could feel yeah, but if you're saying you just said can
No, I'm just saying I'm just saying for the people at home
But if you if you came up to me and I couldn't hear see or speak right
Yeah
You put this in there and then you had some kind of writing right here
(23:23):
And that's what I didn't identify as this or like you're like water you would do that and then eventually you'll get it
But how does she know to retain that information cuz she's fucking still human being he has a brain
She doesn't know she doesn't know any basic like language or concepts because
She even if she started to be able to hear she wouldn't know what the fuck we're saying
But she'd still be able to read it
(23:45):
Maybe I'm just dumb because if I could not hear or see for my entire life
And you hand me a can and then make me touch some weird shit
I don't know what the fuck is going on its repetition. You'll eventually know so if it's water was the thing
She wants some water
She wants some water you know I don't know if they probably beat it into her you can be that's good
(24:08):
That's a good way you beat shit in people. Hey, who's she gonna tell dude?
I don't support violence but
Don't you love the UFC Brandon yes, I love the fucking UFC and boxing
(24:29):
Consider that violence. Yeah, that's very violent. I mean when you do it like a sport and you getting paid. I guess that's cool man
Yeah, so
Defending yourself to yeah violence is only okay if you get paid for it dude
That's why we invaded Iraq. Yeah, we needed that oil. Yeah, we got some big money
Yeah
Yeah, I fucked Iraq out
(24:51):
That was fucked up
And the thing was why the fuck we got Iraq if if one is an Iraq person who did it
You know what I'm saying like it was it there I?
Know I'm not supposed to be saying
But like I'm like I'm like oh
It wasn't Lee Harvey Oswald
(25:11):
They try to put all the stuff like oh Saddam Hussein used to kill people what the fuck they got to do with us
I'm just saying what the fuck they got to do with us true
Well, we go it over there fuck with these people for you know what they did big change. He wanted that money. He wanted that oil
What else what the fuck will we be over there?
Yeah, no, but that's been going on forever, right?
(25:32):
Like the Gulf of Tonkin thing with Vietnam Lyndon Johnson was like, yeah, they fucking they instigated it
But not really same thing with the Lusitania dude Spanish-American war dude. I think that's what it was can't remember
Maybe it was World War one
No, it was the main the USS main got blown up in a Havana Harbor. That was an early 1900s
(25:55):
I taught I taught a high school history lesson on this
I taught it at a real high school on the Spanish-American war dude yellow journalism and all that shit
Which is just like fake news the og fake news. Okay yellow journalism where they were stretching the truth
Not saying the real shit that they call it because of Asians
No, they actually didn't allow them to participate in media. Okay, I didn't know
(26:20):
It's like I don't know. I don't know why they yellow I guess like
Yellow-bellied cowardly like lying about I don't know. Okay. I don't know if we're gonna idea but teaching public school was terrible
So if you are a public school teacher, like seriously, I respect you. I don't understand how you did it
I could not hang with that shit. I taught like 10th and 11th graders. Mm-hmm and
(26:43):
They all of them were high all the time and also the school I taught out was like inner city
It was 85% black and Hispanic and a lot of the Hispanic students could not speak speak English like at all
Oh, I'm not even joking like they straight up. So like I didn't know what to do. I was like
um, yeah, just you know your friend student teacher and the lady that I'm teaching under my
(27:06):
Cooperating teacher who's supposed to be teaching me what to do
Yeah
She is she told me that she told her son wanted to go to college to be a teacher and she was like
I will not support you if you do that, but she's a teacher and she's supposed to be teaching me how to be a teacher
Nobody gives a fuck dude. What I'm saying is the published like education system in the United States over dude
(27:27):
I mean you got things some of these kids bad as hell
Yeah, and you and you'd be like when you work, oh this teacher ain't supposed to do that. All right
How these motherfuckers they bout grown true 16 big-ass 16 year olds talking shit. They might like whoop your ass. Yeah
I mean break down hella fights you did five fights in like a few the few weeks that I was there
(27:48):
One dude was fighting his girlfriend in class. It was crazy
He was a he was the tight end for the football team and they were having like an argument at the desk
They were in groups of four
Him and his girlfriend were sitting next to each other and another girl was sitting on the other side and he was like touching
Her under the table right next to his girlfriend and she got pissed and said something about it and they started fighting right there
(28:09):
It was insane blowing. Yeah for real and she hung in there dude. I salute her more power to her
Iron iron chin on her
She took a couple good ones. Yeah, she stayed up. Did you follow through her dad must have been a marine or something?
She was pretty admirable not gonna lie in a weird way
(28:30):
Yeah, but the first time I ever went in to meet my CT
It was during like the zero period when they're all these students are like working on their homework or whatever
She had her planning period where no students were in her room except like a couple I walked in and there's two girls sitting there
And I sweat this is the first time I ever walked into this school to meet her
Uh-huh. I walk over to her desk and I hear behind me the two girls in the corner
(28:53):
Yeah, he's kind of cute for a white guy
We just got started off on the wrong foot
This is gonna be miserable all the students were high all the time
And I'd like mess with them because they would know that I would know and then they'd ask me shit like oh
Do you think you could like get me something? I'm like, bro. No
I'm not going to jail hails
(29:13):
And especially not for public teacher like public school teacher salary. It's not worth it, dude. Oh hell
This was an unpaid internship by the way
Hell no, I didn't you should like leave and dip out and go to like the break room when you were teaching
No, she's still being there. She'd be at her desk like grading papers
But I don't understand how you could fail the class
(29:36):
Like there would be students who had F's and it's just because they didn't turn anything in at all
They all got Chromebooks like laptops
You can you do all your work on that and you can just look up the answers true
it's just searching it on the internet and typing the answer in and
They'd still just not turn it in and failing class. We are fucked bro. I know you said we're losing the next war
(30:02):
Seriously, we are dude. We're gonna have to start importing from other countries get some greater minds because we're fucked over here
You could pass the cinderblock through the US like education system
I swear to God you can make like a ghost identity for a student that doesn't even actually go to school and the teacher would
Just pass them. I swear to you. Yeah, we're number one folks
(30:22):
And what number one at what
Tom foolery
shenanigans and the likes
What's your craziest
School story my craziest school story damn man. I got so many of them. I got so many only think of one you talking about like
What type of situations I'll give a damn wet what pops in your mind when you just like that shit happened at school
(30:47):
That's what a wild thing that happened to me in school. I remember one time I
Saw this damn
I remember I saw this PE coach and she was running with this kid and apparently what he did was he kept fucking around with
the trampoline and in his head just like
So she was just holding it together running with my oh my gosh
Wait, whoa
(31:07):
You got a trampoline at PE class? Yeah, they had a trampoline at PE class. He like jumped off and like BOOM
Busted his head open. Yes, he did all the way open. Yeah, basically man. Like she was she was holding it together
Yes, yeah, he was fucked up
Did he live? Oh yeah, he lived. He lived. He had scars on his head. Yeah, like big ass dick
like right out of baseball, you know
(31:28):
Damn
Fuck you look like the Mets mascot
And then I remember another scene this is this kid
Used to always like he was real small and he would push around people
He puts this one dudes like a hippie and then a hippie like pushed him back and then this dude ran up
He's like, hey man, don't hit my niggas
Just boom straight in the face and then a titty grew on his head and he walked through the whole like field doing this
(31:52):
the whole time like Jesus
What? He beat this dick ass. Yeah, like a whole mouthful
Wait, wait, who was the hippie guy? Was this another student? Yes. He was another student. He was so chill, man
He always had the bad end. I remember this girl that was like Rasputin ripped off his jacket. He was like why the fuck me?
I was like, I'm sorry
(32:12):
He just told five different stories
He did stuff like that
That was insane
There's so much crazy shit man that happened at that school
I almost got hit by a car one time because this sister this stuff doesn't got mad because they were fighting
They were scrapping outside the basketball court and we were all just watching their system. Hell no nobody gonna hit my brother
I don't care if they ten years old
(32:34):
So she and then she got in the car and tried to run us all over and we all had like jump out the way shit
And then the dude ran I was like now I'm calling the cops
We should have been caught a cop she really tried to hit you did she really drove on the line try to hit the gas
Yes, I really got on the line and tried to get us. She didn't give a fuck this you go to jail
(32:56):
No, she just took off with him. Like nobody did nothing
What yeah, we just like she just tried to murder a group of like ten-year-old
Nobody was around just us. I mean, I mean the people were inside but they were just sitting you didn't tell your mom and that
No, we live
It's a good mindset
(33:20):
Attempted murders not murder. Exactly. It's a this ain't our first rodeo speaking of rodeos
Branding you think you're gonna get the dent in your head from wearing the headphones. Are you worried about that at all?
So like I already got that dent man. I got a lot of dense my hair but the hair the hair is gonna protect it
(33:42):
Though yeah, you think you have like good structural integrity in your skull cap. I know I got a big head
So I think so good answer
Brandy you got the biggest head in school man. You look like mr. Potato head
So we can't Williams was talking about Steve Harvey that brought back a lot of memories
Are you scared of cat Williams dude warming up to
(34:09):
Then they'd be like you look like a Logan Roadhouse dinner roll and shit
Because I used to be bald my mom will cut my hair like in the kitchen
Well, oh, why is that the motion for cutting your hair cutting it with a fucking bow song?
What's happening just cut you to your balls shit all right there brandy you're watching back you like maybe I should
(34:35):
Here comes airplane, okay, hold on that's not better I'm cutting hair
I don't know what the fuck you're doing the clippers and they go
Why you hold the clippers like that? Oh, no, I'm not cutting my hair. I'm cutting somebody else. Yeah, I
Don't know how to hold clippers and I never cut hair
He's trying. Yeah, I was like if I hold some clippers this I cut like people like he cut the back of mine
(35:00):
Oh shit, they like he cut the back of my hair and I just do I hold up man
Let me try to because I don't know how to code that
How do y'all hold clippers? I'll be if I was gonna say clippers. I'll be like that
Oh, if I was gonna say cuz if you if you cut and you know, they got the waves you got cut with it
And then if you got straight hair, you got to cut again. You go with the flow of the water, dude
But it definitely is not like this
(35:22):
Not the way I see it now, that's not the way
You know what you get there look like a point of view here something that's not good
We can edit that footage yeah
The power of AI can do some magical my god and he got me I approved this mess
(35:42):
Well, he just gave it to us fuck we're cutting that up
I'd like to rev up this off. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody watch some clips clip of the week. No mix that German half black
(36:07):
See
I'm half black half white like a panda bear
Cut them in like one two
cute
Okay, so there's a few things to break down here right first of all you get called a black bitch. Yeah
That's what she said if you didn't hear it by the Asian girl with Tourette's that you publicly shamed last week. Yeah
(36:28):
Yeah, lover lover to death and then she says
Hail Hitler. Yeah, you support that message. Well, and then
And then you call yourself cute and go like and throw your leg up
So there was a lot to break down in that clip that happened within a short amount of time
There's a few calamities
In that period so I was a fan of that clip. I knew I knew it was coming
(36:52):
Ming mem
Min, yeah, she's funny too. She's really very when she come but you know, she has Tourette's and
She was doing it the whole night. I knew it was coming
But I couldn't think of anything to go back
But I know whenever I say something about German she always goes hell hitler's. I was like at least we'll bring the few
in purposefully triggering that
(37:14):
Dude, I just I know last week. I used another clip where men called you something else
Yeah, and I think this is a good recurring thing to have you battling men. Oh, yeah when she got up there
It was funny. She said because I got a joke in there talking about I'm so single right and then she says
She says I'm single. I'm looking for somebody not you dog
(37:35):
Damn not Tourette's. Yeah
No, I just don't fuck with you
It almost hurts worse dude
Jake Jake went hard on uh, went hard on and she loves it though. Oh, yeah when I was walking out
She was there. She was like that was the best thing ever. Jake just went uh
(37:56):
Jake with him Jake was like, oh my god
Just where uh, well jake would ham jake was fucked up too drunk for loco. Yeah, no for loco
Yeah, that for loco did have me fucking I haven't drunk one of those in
10 years something like that. Do you want to get belligerently drunk for four dollars and 50 cents, dude?
Go to a gas station buy a four loco get the red white and blue one if you're an american man
(38:21):
They got a warheads for loco. I can't remember if I talked about that before but that's gotta be just like
The piss you take after that's got to be insane. You got to feel like you got the clap
Forehead that didn't sound good. Oh hold up. I don't want cross-eyed. I thought he was having a fucking stroke
(38:45):
He was just looking and then you went all across I was like fuck dude, he's having an episode
Yeah, no, I see something in the corner of that. Oh man. Yeah, you got to see the you'll see
Oh my god, man, and that too else
You're one eye went right here
You just spaz dude
(39:09):
Oh shit, all right, let's see jj
Go I'm a little drunk so uh, if I don't say a slur this will be a victory
I stand by that. No, I have this problem where people will assume that i'm a lot more southern than I actually am
Just based off the way that I look and I get it, you know
(39:30):
I look like i'm always one month right away from committing a hate crime
But i'm not actually country like that
You know, I don't listen to country music. I don't wear cowboy boots. I'll say the n-word and public
That's it
I don't dude
I don't there was not a lie
(39:52):
In that set dude, I love when you I love when you open with that joke
Yeah
I I kind of got traumatized after we bombed on homegrown because I opened with that but that's worked
At several other places it's worked since and I opened with that at the homegrown right before that
So and it did okay. So I mean because jj was on another show
(40:14):
Homegrown show your producer on there now, right?
I don't I I think so. I mean i'm on it like every month except for next month because it's black history month
We gotta put an end to this affirmative action bullshit, dude. Tell them i'm out i'm out of my job. This is our month
I love it go catch go catch jonathan sci-fi ty funny
And I can't remember who else is on it go catch that february and then um
(40:39):
The fuck were we talking about we'll put a flower out for
You know, I can't remember shit. Oh, yeah, I don't know if i'm a producer on it
But yeah, i'm i don't even know what being a producer means
Really? Well, we did we had to do it without jonathan because uh, he just had his new child
Wow congratulations jonathan
The silver family
Another little silver dollar to the bunch. Hell yeah
(41:02):
But uh, so we had to run it without him and that was that was pretty
Stressful. So shout out to people who actually like run the shows man, because that shit is not easy
We had to go bark all the restaurants
Yeah, put up the signs and stuff and tell people what was going on set up the mic and everything
Which it wasn't all that hard
But in the moment when it's like your first time doing it damn there's a lot of shit that goes into this
(41:25):
I don't usually think about yeah. All I usually think about when i'm on a show is not bombing. Yeah
But they gotta do yeah. Yeah. Shout out to jonathan everybody with that shit. Oh, yeah
It's a skill. Oh, yeah. All right
Y'all gonna be ready for this. It's gonna be a fucking blast. Yeah
You might not see dom next week dude, if the packers lose, you'll be in a very dark place
(41:48):
We're shooting this early, even though I am drinking hard liquor
This is before the packers game jakes will be before the packers game too. We need to be done here at 3 30
That's just how it goes down hard stop at 3 30. Oh, yeah
Oh shit the packers are on you my whole shit i gotta go we'll set it down
(42:09):
Oh, it's the cowboys and the packers dude. I didn't even realize i'm a lion. Do you do your pose?
What type of oh we're gonna we're gonna cut back and forth
This is like when you're in middle school and the two autistic kids are about to have a dance battle in pe class
That's the that's the showdown
(42:31):
I've been in some of those battles. You've been a participant in some of hell. Yeah
We got some skits
Have you ever met a guy who only spoke in reddit post?
A man so convinced by conspiracy theories that he's lost touch with reality
Well, here's terry thomas
the conspiracy theory uber
(42:54):
What's going on man? Hey, how you doing?
Doing good doing good. Where are we headed today, man? I gotta go to croakers croakers. Yep. What you picking up the croaker?
I'm probably a couple condoms and maybe some food fish food something I can get behind that but I can't support you supporting croaker
Why not? They're a bunch of child sex traffickers. Everybody knows that
(43:16):
I don't know where did you hear that shit? I saw it on reddit
the most
Valuable accurate news source that this nation has in this in this age of fake news where this shit has become acceptable
Just false journalism yellow journalism. What are they gonna say next of lucentania? I don't fucking know man
I don't fucking know. What kind of condoms are you gonna get from crow? Uh
(43:40):
the magnum
Magnum. Yep
You know magnum condoms are actually unusable
They're the worst kind of condom because that's what big pharma wants you to think big pharma
I want you to think that people have these large penises so you feel insecure about your own, but there's never been a
Wrecked penis recorded in human history over four and a half inches and that's just the truth
(44:06):
What that's why you got to stop drinking out of plastic water bottles
It's enlarging your gooch and shrinking your wiener. I heard about it on joe rogan
There's a lot going on a lot going on and nobody's fucking talking about
You just buy children on wayfair wayfair. How the shit is that? How do you know that? I heard about it
(44:27):
Reddit, you know, three six mafia did 9 11. Did you know that now? Why would they why would they do that?
They're jealous dude. The towers were taken away too much from the memphis party scene
So they decided to fly commercial jetliners into the fucking towers man. I'm telling you so they flew it
They flew it. How are they still alive?
Nothing that doesn't make any they jumped out at the last second
(44:51):
Using invisibility technology was this reddit also
No, this I saw with my own two eyes. Oh, oh you saw I saw maybe that was just people burning
I I feel like that could have been that
Could have been I don't know. Maybe maybe I don't really know. I wasn't born until 2002. I don't know
Oh, okay
You know when you know when you have to refuel the gas the gasoline in your car and you have to touch that little handle
(45:15):
Uh, yeah, they know that everybody has to do that. The government knows this
So what big gas does is they put pheromones on the handle?
So when you touch it, you actually turn gay
Yeah turn and you think that driving an electric vehicle would solve that issue
But you're just gay inherently if you drive an electric car
So, I mean it's really a double-edged sword. What the fuck am I supposed to do walk?
(45:39):
So i'm secretly a gay man then because i'd be messing with that
Hey, hey, it's better you find out sooner rather than later. I got a few
I got a sister. She runs a conversion therapy camp. I can get you a groupon discount or something
Here we are at the kroger man. Go support them child traffickers. You go support mental health brother. Thank you brother
(46:01):
Dream on
What a fucking weirdo man, here's terry thomas the conspiracy theory uber
Uh
Howdy terry yeah terry
How's it going on man? What's going on? Where where are we headed to today?
Oh the vbc you watching a performance of some kind. Oh, yeah drag show with the vbc. Oh drag show
(46:27):
You're falling for that liberal propaganda
Uh, I wouldn't call it falling for it. Well, no i'd call it falling for i call falling in love
I'm not a type of smitten with it. Yeah, just don't procreate. You know, I know you I know you guys have a limit on that
Anyways, but just do the world a favor
Did you know in 1994 the united states government sanctioned a lab in santa fe
(46:51):
To create a non-lethal explosive device that when emitted or when exploded ignited it emits
pheromones that make enemy soldiers gay
And that they they created it they never used it for war my theory is that they're putting them in the air systems in public schools
And that's why we got all these gays
I think it's more like a natural evolution. You know what I mean?
(47:15):
Kind of like how dessert evolves from dinner
Or islam evolved from christianity the one true religion
You know, I think
That we should have some way of creating a better school system wouldn't you agree with that?
I think we definitely should have a way. I think you know, we might have found common ground
(47:36):
We should have a way to create a better school system
Now how I would do it is I would take students that had similar
Characteristics and put them in one school and then put the other ones in a different school and then send way more
money to the one that we like
You know, I also believe that we should help the environment
We should we should save the environment because all these fossil fuels are burning this hole in those only
(48:02):
Well, i'll be damned. You know what I think you
You might be a lefty yet and what we do we've got to nuke mars
We've got to blow up mars and then take their
atmosphere
And then take it as our own and then say that that it was ours the whole time
That's what i've been doing since my whole life
(48:23):
I believe that every citizen in america should be able to own a nuclear weapon. It's just it's constitutional
The right to bear arms
I think our forefathers were aware that nuclear weapons were going to be created because they had already helped
Build the pyramids with the aliens
They knew nukes were around they knew they were coming
(48:45):
And they wrote that with that in mind, but that's not what the liberals want you to think
You know
I'm beginning to think you know, I didn't like that khanye character at first
But he's really started to grow on me in the last couple years, especially these past six months
I agree with almost everything he stands for
I almost quite literally have to say the opposite
(49:10):
Have you heard of this this app called sheen you buy any clothes from sheen
No, the only app I buy clothes on is team what's sheen?
Sheen is like this app where all the whores buy their bikinis from because they're real cheap
And uh essentially it's a group of child sex traffickers
Because I bought a pair of shorts from there and not any of the gay ones
(49:30):
Just a normal pair of shorts with the long inseam that go past my knees. It's almost like i'm wearing capris that are loose fitting
But uh in the in the tag of the shorts was stitched help me
Help me
Twice twice. Oh my god twice for dramatic effect
He really wanted to make sure he got the message there or she i'm not i'm not as sexy
(49:53):
That's wild and does it say where it was made? I like this seems like it was made
Let's say it at the same time. All right, one
two
three
Bangladesh
Bangladesh all that is is a puppet government set up by the chinese
It's the same fucking place. It's like china taiwan taiwan korea. They all share the same history
(50:14):
There's nothing culturally or ethnically different about those regions. Here's terry thomas the conspiracy theory uber
This week's featured comedian
This week's featured comedian
Um, how are you guys i had a certain previous
(50:35):
The doctor said because of the muscle groups we worked on you should probably wait at least a month to have sex
I was like that's fucking nothing to me, dude
I put it in the deepest waters of the dryest spells. Why do you think I can't fucking do it idiots?
I can fucking do it, dude
Trust me
(50:56):
I don't know man. My surgery was weird because they were like we can schedule everything here
But you'll have to have the surgery in room 12
It's like why dude is my hernia racist?
Is it like that? Yeah
Like shit fuck no, dude, seriously
(51:18):
I don't know dude, uh, they shaved half my pills. They didn't tell me they were gonna do that
You know
I'm just saying man. My dick looks like it was in the civil war. You know what i'm talking about?
I'm just saying dude. It's like mutton chops on the cock. You ever seen mutton chops on the cock dude?
I don't know man
(51:39):
It's gonna put a damper on my dating life dude. I was having a hard enough time before my nutsack had a fade
I'm telling you dude because i'm autistic and shit, but i'm still trying to fuck you know what i'm saying?
Like i'm just waiting for my big break man love on the spectrum. You don't talk about all the things
(52:00):
I just can't wait to see that beautiful girl home or none of us can make eye contact dude
It's gonna be great dude. Our love is just as special as yours
I can't tell who you are if you're a woman or not, but you know
Yeah, okay, thank you guys for coming out
(52:23):
I always gotta position myself to where I can see you guys and then if Brandon says something I can look over there
Yeah, one of these days. I might just snap my neck and just die on the podcast
Like that little episode you had earlier
That was crazy, yeah, I was scared shitless. I seen something on the hat
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jake I thought Dom almost had a stroke earlier
(52:46):
He just went cross-eyed and looked like he was going burnt toast. He said you good there Mohammed. What's going on?
Is the spirit pulling you in two different directions?
Since we're having Jake on you know, I usually cook for the guests before we had matzah ball soup
Delicious. Hell yeah
My diet actually matches Dom. So it's all right
(53:07):
Okay
We both uh have to you know
Cut it to the east
Dude
If you I did turn your head and snap Brandon would have played like a sound effect. Yeah
911
The niggas dead. Hell yeah, dude. All right. So we got a special guest here today. No, it didn't. Hell yeah, man
(53:30):
We got dude the fastest up and comer in the game dude shooting to the top
It's like watching one of his sets is like watching a master class of just pure comedic genius, dude
But if the dude doing it was severely drunk
It's it's the greatest thing i've ever witnessed dude we got jake muncie man
(53:54):
I'm getting retarded. How are you?
Already, man. How you feeling man? I'm good, dude. It's uh, it's good to be on. Hello. Brandon. How are you man?
I'm doing good. Hell. Yeah, man. That's good. There are a lot of people in here, huh? Yeah almost too many but fuck no, dude
Jake I got a question for you man. Yes, I know like this is a question i've been wondering for a while. Where's my camera?
(54:20):
Put on some dramatic he's not supposed to be aware there are cameras. Yeah. Yeah, that's my cameras here
He can't look anybody in the eyes. So they have to have to go somewhere. My mom says the same things
I don't know why he's doing this. Yeah, he's doing it for different reasons
Zing we're doing it comedy. How are you guys? What is your question? JJ god damn?
(54:43):
Band-aid on your hand, man. Always has the eggs in my dude the eggs
No, but it's clear because when you go into jake's bathroom
It's just blunt ashes and band-aid wrappers in the trash can next to the toilet 100. Hell yeah dude
That epic shower curtain he's got
Yeah, that's beautiful. That's a work of art. Yeah, it's it's eczema
So like I'm worried like if I'm just like up there and there's just like just disgusting like inflamed skin like all over my hand
(55:09):
They'll the whole time they'll just be like what the fuck is that?
It'd be like if I was wearing like a rainbow afro and I just never said anything about it
You know what I mean the whole time they just be like
You know at the rainbow afro. Yeah, so that or Michael Jackson gloves usually does the trick dude slick material
Oh, that's what the fucking home alone thing
Okay, so make sure I'm starting to click now
(55:33):
You were you're hiding your hair no, I said in fifth grade I died my hair like rainbow shit
I should have fucking known that one. Yeah, that's on me. You really died your hair and rainbow because it was a hair died day
So they I said I just look like a clown. Uh-huh. They're pull up looking like hey
I'm a full circle and all comes it comes around. Yeah, he was the origin story nine. Yeah, I
(55:54):
skittle on heroin
Brandon's the funniest dude alive man. This was telling you
Fuck alright, so Jake you and Brandon banging that out a lot lately. Yeah, man. We've been hanging out dude. He's a bomb
He'll come over man, and we'll fucking play video games
Brandon's like you know Brandon will hang out
(56:18):
He's the only one of you guys that can like really hang and like I mean I can't drink
I can't drink with you a lot of you guys, but like a lot of you guys you can't really can't really put away
Certain other things Brandon can put away certain other things like a motherfucker
Brandon is Wiz Khalifa
Khalifa, I look over sometimes and he just goes yeah. Yep. Yeah
(56:47):
He can put it away dude, oh, yeah, so Jake is one of the rising stars of Huntsville comedy. Thank you
How long ago did you start coming? I did it for like the first time in
Nashville and then I quit and then the pandemic and I was like you kind of suck dude and I
Started up again. I don't know why I must have been drunk, and I've been drunk ever since doing comedy
(57:07):
But my first time starting back up was like a couple months ago right around the time
Brandon was starting up and you guys were starting up and it was a
Shenanigans comedy theater where they have all the laughs the yuck yucks and the walla walla shout out shout out
Very diverse and
They I did a set there, and I was the first time I saw Heath and I was like holy shit, dude
(57:31):
I went up like almost directly after he I
Went up early which I don't usually do but like I was like I just got to do this and get out of here
And he set the room on the fire of course he did on the fire. Yeah, I had
What were the chances that you just be there all that night with a world-class comedian?
It wasn't a normal open mic there was a there was like a hundred dollar prize dude. It was a kumite
(57:54):
It was a comedic kumite in there, and Heath killed everybody. He just walked in and fucking slayed people and
Yeah, I went up there and ate shit, and I was like yeah
Probably probably will quit and then I got the urge to do it again
I was gonna do it again, and then I went to a can of bar and
Did the Australian set and I was back in I remember I remember the first time I seen Jake it was in a
(58:18):
Probably seen you in shenanigans, but I think I did I seen you in shenanigans
And I was like I was telling everybody like dude this new guy looks just like the dude from Tim and Eric
I remember you telling me the member. I was like I was I was Tim yeah Tim
He's and we'll put a picture of him right here
I was like he looks just like it's when we're at can of bar
You know I could see now. I know Jake. He's doing that little thing trying to introduce himself to people
(58:41):
This guy's fucking funny, and I'm telling them there. He didn't like it. He didn't like it when I say he was
I didn't know who he was at first. I didn't know what was going on
It is unfortunate where we shop at the same place
(59:03):
Goddamnit that looks like Jack next to me, dude
That was just me and Jack at the speakeasy
The night we bonded and touched butts a little you remember don't act like you do you son of a bitch?
No, I'm kidding tell you dude. I
Don't know man
Damn, I don't I don't even remember when you popped up man
(59:26):
I just knew you and Charlie sprung up around the same time
Who the fuck are these guys?
best of us dude
So funny oh my god. He's so funny. He's so funny. He'll say jokes
I it'll take me like two or three times
That's why when I watch Charlie I feel like I'm watching because you got it takes you so long to get it jokes
(59:46):
Sometimes you know because he has so many I think that might just be you don't know
I think the rest of us perfectly understand the jokes
Think that's a user error recipient
There's a lot of people like me JJ
(01:00:08):
Yeah, and they should be in other places, but yeah, dude, and they leave school early no
I think it out of 215 have a more compact vehicle Dom hell. Yeah, dude. It's shorter if you will
Their Olympics is special. They don't play chess
Not wrong. Oh, yeah, dude. There's nothing funnier than the Special Olympics, man
(01:00:35):
He used to go I
Was helping them do shit, so you couldn't even make the team with a special and I wasn't on that
Brandon is there Michael Jordan
My friend had at work because he had a special dude constantly trying to sexually assault him the whole time
I he was guiding him and do have any touching mission. He's like just let me touch you like no man get the fuck off
(01:00:56):
This sounds like one of those my friend stories. It's like my friend has trouble talking to girls
I would handle that I mean how he would handle that or she would handle that how they would do it
Dude, they wanted to be into women or whatever
She was a I had somebody look like door to explore a very nice person. Oh, well, then what's the problem dude door explorers?
(01:01:19):
Huh? No, I'm kidding
I'm just kidding. Did you imagine that's a stance I took for the next 30 minutes. I'm like door is so fine, dude. I'll show you the fucking map
Yes, the live action door of course, of course I'm talking about the live action
Why would he not be fucking insane and shut up dude, what are you trying to say man the fuck dude?
(01:01:47):
Let me show you guys some watches and shit
Maybe you're not alone
There's levels to this shit
Next level yeah
Oh my god
(01:02:09):
Yeah, yeah, you're a you're a fucking monster dude. Thank you man. And you're like a laser killers
I'm like a what you like a lover boy to talk about during this section. Yeah
Oh, we don't talk about you guys during the section or look under the table. I planted questions here a month ago right next to your feet
I'm into feet. Yeah, we can talk about that. We can talk about it
(01:02:31):
It's akin to being a lover boy
I can only imagine what that sound effect was
It was a sound effect and you guys put in an image of a woman clapping with her feet
Put your headphones on
Oh shit
I can't put on headphones man it makes me feel so funky
Okay hold on are you ready? This is what it sounds like
I'm in defeat
I'm in defeat
I'm in defeat
(01:02:53):
Okay hold on are you ready? This is what it sounds like
Yes
And then you got this one
And then you got that one
Nice
Do we have any rim shots?
We're gonna explore these all in the wrong way but we're gonna love it
Do we have any rim shots?
No that's it
Oh you mean this one?
Yeah
(01:03:15):
I was hitting some of those
Oh yeah he didn't have headphones
Sorry about that
We need to customize those man
I think you can
We can have just clips of Brandon
No dude
We can have a real Jake the Autistic soundboard dude
Oh fuck yeah man
Oh fuck yeah man
I love you dude
(01:03:37):
The love is real
And this one
Nice
Nice
What are you doing?
JJ's soundboard is just like slurs
Oh shit
The N word is like a bright red one
That's the new button dude
It changes every 15 seconds for that one
Brandon struggles on his
(01:03:59):
It's just like guinea wop polo shit
I accidentally hit JJ's and panicked
They be like it's so confusing
Oh man
Oh man
So it's all about feet for you?
No man it's not all about feet
They're not gonna make me cum but they gotta be a part of it
You know what I'm saying
Brandon high five
(01:04:21):
When they get the foot out for you
Nah man
Made money with his feet
You know Brandon did make money with his feet
He's actually the only one here
He was like hey man you flash your foot for a second
You get two or three dollars
Two or three dollars easily made
For a second
No no that's my bro man with my pals
See this country is struggling
(01:04:43):
Because not enough people have the attitude that Brandon does
Somebody's gotta do the dirty work
Whether it's showing pictures of your feet on FaceTime
To your bros
Cleaning homeless people's shit
Off the wall at Publix dude
Or carrying the Huntsville comedy scene on your back
He's doing it all
He killed Stenoblade
Yes he did
You killed too
(01:05:05):
Thank you
We all fucking killed dude
There was only two people maybe
That didn't do well that night
It was a hot crowd dude
A lot of women with open toed shoes
You know what I'm saying
Even though it was 40 degrees
It was cold as shit
They knew what was up I'm kidding
Do you dislike the winter season
(01:05:27):
Because it kind of neutralizes the feet smell
I love the winter man
He's a Nordic
Yeah dude 100%
Just like Squeak's bro
Those dirty forest dwellers dude
I fucking hate them man
I don't know why everyone has that same
I'm way too hairy to be
Entirely human you know
(01:05:51):
I don't know what's going on
Are you technically a ginger?
Dude yeah I was red headed my whole life
And then recently people were like
You're red headed?
And I'm like yeah you fucking retard
What the fuck do you think is going on
I certainly took the licks for it
What are you trying to play me?
I'm notoriously fiery tempered if you can believe that
They say I have anger problems dude
(01:06:13):
That's fucking insane
It's bullshit man
I know dude
He's like do you drive here? And he's like of course I drive here
And I'm like maybe you're fucking stupid
Maybe that's what's going on
Of course I don't have anger problems man
The court made me go to class to solve them
Fucking idiot dude
I reformed cocksucker
You got like a copry
(01:06:35):
Like Amelia Earhart
Thank you man
Thank you dude
JJ is such a beautiful man
Jake I told them earlier
When I got off stage at Homegrown on Friday
This lady in the crowd right when I got off
I saw her showing a picture of Danny McBride
To one of her friends dude
Definitely talking about me
As Kenny Bowers
(01:06:57):
She was like you know the guy
Oh my gosh
Wait Brandon go that second picture
That's Jake
With the fucking leather jacket and everything dude
Time table
That's a compliment dude she was a pioneer
I didn't know that's what they meant when they said
Grandma was missing dude
I had no idea
She looks like Andrew Jackson too dude
(01:07:19):
I look like I got Andrew Jackson
Amelia Earhart
I got Andrew Jackson hair Amelia Earhart face and Amelia Earhart has
Half Andrew Jackson face if I do say so myself
Can we get the two of them
Side by side or is that fucking
Beyond the scope of the class Brandon
It's going to take fifteen minutes
Let me charge it out
Where's that on the fucking sound board
We just saw the screen go completely blank dude
(01:07:41):
What the fuck
Oh shit I saw it disappear
Is that a panda bear
I just noticed that I thought it was just a random assortment
Of like geometric shapes I didn't know that
That's just the DMT
Alright so here's Andrew Jackson
And in here is
Dude that is fucking me
You said which one
Get the bill picture
(01:08:03):
I'm really sorry to the native in 20s
It's right there
The bill picture is solid
That really is Jason
You ever seen a 20 dollar bill Brandon
I've had it a couple times
Are you going to get pissed if they
Replace Andrew Jackson with Harriet Tubman on the 20
Fuck yeah dude what does she do for this country
Damn
Oh yeah I forgot who she was sorry
(01:08:25):
She was the first free runner
I forgot
That's an old Key and Peele skit
Oh yeah I remember that
Dude they were amazing
Andrew Jackson did so much
The Native Americans won in court
If it wasn't for Andrew Jackson
Just saying you know
How fun would Georgia really be
Not as much fun as it is now it's not much fun
(01:08:47):
Alright that one was a flop
Alright that's my bad
Native Americans they're sore losers
Right no I'm kidding that one's a flop
Alright that was
One of my hardest jokes to ever pass
Bush Midgets
What's that one I'm laughing
I was like the Pygmies
I was writing a paper on Pygmies
I was doing a segment about the slurs of Pygmies
(01:09:09):
And I was like
What if I made up one who would fucking know but me
And I did
And it went over pretty well
And it was Bush Midget
And I tried to tell it on stage and people were like
Oh no not the Pygmies
You don't fucking know any shut up
But yeah
Didn't work well
You guys ever have any jokes that
(01:09:31):
Can we still see him next to Amelia Earhart
Oh no he fucking identified dude
You ain't gonna be able to do him
Alright fuck it Brandon
What about you guys
You guys didn't have any jokes that like never fucking work
I got a ton of them
I got
Some of my favorite ones
I got one that I really like
I told Dom about I only told it
(01:09:53):
Once or twice and I said it on
Stage at Shenanigans one time
And this lady from the crowd went
Oh no
I love this joke
I went on a field trip in the fourth
Grade to Cathedral
Caverns it's a local cave here
And I was really scared of the dark
When I was a kid and at the end of the tour
I didn't know it but they turned off all
(01:10:15):
The lights in the cave
And when they
Turned off all the lights I punched this girl in the stomach
Like uppercutted her
I felt it I connected with something dude
The lights turned back on
And the fourth grade
In Alabama it was her brothers dude
But the lights turned back on
And she's like crumpled on the ground
And everybody's looking around like
(01:10:37):
What the fuck like what happened
And you know situational awareness
The lights were out we're in Etowah County
Alabama I blamed it on a black guy dude
And
The punchline of the joke is
I feel bad about it to this day I threw him
Under the bus but at least it was the front of the bus
Dude great
And beautiful it's domestic
Violence and racism in the same joke
(01:10:59):
So a master class
It's a hard sell
I love that joke though
Mine is
So I was like
I was in the army for a long time
You meet a lot of different people right
And some of the people you meet are fucked up
Sorry
Some of the people are fucked up right
I had one dude who was
(01:11:21):
Is in jail for 30 years for being a rapist
I know another dude who
Killed his wife and his kids
Yeah and these are both true
And I'm like it's so you know you don't
Really think about it whenever it's happening
But you know they had subtle clues now looking back at it
Like the dude who went
Jail for rape he was really aggressive with women
Like when he was trying to talk to me to do the elbow
Grab
(01:11:43):
And the dude that
He was the guy he always told me
If his wife
He always told me if
If his wife ever cheated on him he was going to kill her and the kids
It's the subtle things
Well she should have done it
That's fucking great
That's fucking great
(01:12:05):
That was
Oh my god that's good
That's the time I bombed the hardest
Boxcar when Leann
Brought her family and they were not
Oh I remember this
I told that one there
One of the older ladies
Was just like
Pure disgust
She was wearing that red shirt
(01:12:27):
I remember her man
Utter disgust
What a fucking cow dude
I was going hard
I think I opened up with a
Sucking mustard gas out of Jewish people's
I think that was my
Opener
Nice
You were proposing
A solution why are they mad?
(01:12:49):
You know what I'm saying I'm trying to go back in time
Dude but you gotta get the flux capacitor
The flux capacitor
Dude
Once we find that we're gonna change it
When Dom hears a cool like smart term he memorizes
It for life and pulls it out of his
Back pocket
He fits it in the conversation perfectly
I got what Brad?
I'm trying to teach you something
(01:13:11):
You could be slow and use big words
Yes we can and that's what I'm gonna start doing
I'm like yeah man just continue on
This fucking crazy
Yeah
You gotta work on it a little bit
Supercalifragilisticexialidocious
That was close
Give yourself a round of applause
I can't
Brandon we love you dude
(01:13:33):
I couldn't even say it
Hell yeah
If you guys notice we don't have any notes here
I don't think we
First of all Jake's
Did you get an Instagram handle now?
No I don't have one yet
We're gonna make Jake an Instagram
And we're gonna put the name of the account right now
And we will run it for him
We will do it
(01:13:55):
I have
I might just convert my
Kat's Instagram to mine
Which shouldn't be too hard
I'll change the picture
What's the name of
Mr. Squeak Speaks
That's gonna be a comedy handle
Probably not when I say it out loud
We'll probably go with something
Cool like you know
(01:14:17):
JJ or I don't know
It's a cool one
It's an easy one to remember
Your name is actually dope as fuck
JJ Payton
Dom Carr is solid
Brandon Willis is solid
People struggle with my name dude
Charlie Swisher
What a drastic switch
I think he misheard Scott's speech
(01:14:39):
I think Scott said
He thought Scott said if you have a stage name
Don't use it
I think what he really said
If you have a stage name mention it on the papers
But Charlie heard
Don't use your stage name so he just went back
To Charlie Fisher
Went up there and killed with Charlie Fisher
In the most important place to kill
Yeah he did
(01:15:01):
Shout out Charlie
You beautiful son of a bitch
He's so good I stole his joke dude
Please keep the baby
I felt so bad
It was good though
I like how Charlie came back
He's like if you're gonna do it do it right
I texted him about it later I felt really bad
You know what fuck you Charlie
People laughed
(01:15:23):
I said it
Charlie has so many good jokes
He does bad
The sex shop dude
When he did
The troll doll story
For the first time
The whole point of the troll doll
The whole point of the troll doll
There's a Jonathan Silver joke
In there somewhere
(01:15:45):
Tongue twister
The whole thing that makes it funny
The whole thing that makes it funny
Is the call back
He did it recently
He did it without the call back
There was nothing at the
There was nothing at the end of the troll doll thing
He just went full autistic he was like strange
He was strange to silence
He was like strange that's what his face said to me
(01:16:07):
And then he looked at me and I was like it is strange
He murdered at the
Pleasures dude
Absolutely crazy
He's been killing for a while now
Charlie and I at Pleasures
Set the place on fire
We set the place on fire
(01:16:29):
Jake was there with just three people
Dude I was there with
At least eight people
And
Because there were six plus the staff
Who came in when they heard me
Cushing like thunder and lightning
Because I you know
It was almost a fire hazard
So I feel like they came in here to be like
Oh my god there's not an emergency is there
(01:16:51):
And
And once they saw that
No it was just glory they were like
Oh we have to stay for this because it could be history
And that's what happened they stayed
And they stayed and yeah but dude
Charlie at Pleasures was amazing
When he looked at the wall and he goes
He goes masturbate huh? He goes that's not how I put it on the wall
(01:17:13):
The place fucking died dude
Those two random people in the back dude
Were crying
Oh yeah Charlie was up there
Can you imagine what they do alone together
They were at a sex shop
Like on a Tuesday night
On a Tuesday night like
Watch the whole comedy show
Oh yes well into dark oh and had nowhere to be
They had nowhere to be they were like
(01:17:35):
We got plenty of time to get this bag of dildos home
They were like there's nothing we can do about it
Like there's like we have to be here
Dude they walked into a back room
Yeah
At a sex club at night
With random people drinking
They did not know what was going on
Thank god it was a comedy show
What do you think they were
Expecting it to be
(01:17:57):
Be like a whole cult closed the door
And they saw Jonathan
Come back here
Dude they were expecting a donkey
An underage girl and a bullwhip
That's what they were expecting dude
That's what they thought was back there
They thought there was chaos back there
That was funny
I think that Jonathan was in Indian style
In the front of the sex shop
(01:18:19):
He's 6'6
He's 6'6 with the tightest button ups you will ever see
On a grown man
Imagine seeing that
When you walk into a sex shop you see Jonathan
And then you see me walking around taking notes
Obviously drunk
Obviously drunk I took a picture
With every mannequin
And then you see me over there does it have butterscotch on it
What the f
(01:18:41):
What
I can't say that
What's up with the butterscotch
Is it on your mind dude
It's a flavor
It's a flavor
It's a flavor that they have there
A flavor of what
It's an oil
He keeps calling it an oil
They said it was like
(01:19:03):
Like some type of massage oil
Anything is lube
Don't be getting too hot and heavy in here
Hold on I know exactly
What the fuck it is
The best fiancee
Talk about a buttery nipple
No
You guys
Missed that, that was genius
That buttery nipple
(01:19:25):
What you gotta realize dude
All my genius goes
Unrecognized on this black kid
Because you're white
I say joking they just sit there they don't know what I'm talking about
What do you say
It wouldn't be the
First time one went past Dom
What do we do
What do we do it
I just said that's
(01:19:47):
Something about a buttery nipple
Talk about a buttery nipple
Yeah butterscotch lube
I get the shit
I get it
Hold on I get it
And on the nipple it makes
Nevermind
It makes a lot of sense
It does
It's not capable of like imagery
(01:20:13):
He bit all one
You know all that pleasure
That my autism got the best of me
And accidentally said I fuck dogs
No cause I would have remembered it forever
I remember
I remember
Y'all fuck dogs too I mean
Get your dogs to fuck
Then I went on talking about fucking invisible people
It was fucked up man
(01:20:35):
Everybody thought he said do y'all fuck dogs
Oh yeah
I'm glad I heard it on the camera
I thought you said dogs cause now I remember it
I was like I've never heard Brandon say that
I was like okay now it's getting
Darker
Usually these things are dark
He got sexually assaulted by a dog we learned that
That was so funny
Please do tell
(01:20:57):
Badger so in second grade
I was at my friends house I just got over my fear of dogs
He's like well do you want to meet my dog
I said yes I do want to meet your dog
So he put me in his backyard like
Come on Badger
And Badger ran over there and saw me
And he liked what he saw
And he liked the cats and all the other animals you see
He ran and charged at my little ass and jumped on me
And then he started humping me and shit
(01:21:19):
And then my friend was trying to beat him with a stick off me
And get him off me but nobody could get him off me
For like a minute or two
The dog got off though did he
Oh yeah once he got
Done then he went back in his little igloo
I got a story like that
When I was a kid my aunt had a big great day
And it like overpowered me and humped me dude
And it just goofed all over my legs and thighs dude
My supple hips
(01:21:41):
And she was like it goofed all over me
And she was like don't worry he's fixed
I was like yeah I'm not worried he's gonna beat me fucking pregnant
You dumb pun
Your dog came on me this isn't cool
It's never cool this can't happen
This is wrong
She just let it happen
And now I'm a stand up comedian
So what do you
I had a bit also
(01:22:03):
That's crazy
About a sex doll
Like I was trying to sell it to the audience you know what I'm saying
I'm like a partially used sex doll dude
I'm like I pointed to the guy and I'm like you want it
He'd be like no and I'd be like 20 bucks
Yeah and he'd be like no
And I'd be like you're kinda obious aren't you
Never really landed
Just like dumb dude
(01:22:25):
Crash landed
Oh god
My bottle of water
Yeah dude I went in on it
You're drinking that proper 12 dude
It's like Jake's girlfriend dude
Proper 12
Uh oh
Where's that
Oh shit
Is the joke that
(01:22:47):
My girlfriend is underage
It's however you want to take it
She might be a 12 out of 10 but that's where you went with it
I just didn't know if it was like that or she was Mexican
I just said
I was curious if it was that or she was Mexican
You remember that meme where she was like
She said she was 12 or some shit
I don't remember
Rhode Island 12
I know what you're talking about
(01:23:09):
They bust him for like talking to an underage girl
That's
Like a whatever a 9 year old girl
And he's like she said she was 12
And he said it and then just
Scattered off like an anime kid
She said she was 12 dude
Is it better
Is it better
It's still a kid
Yeah that is
(01:23:31):
I don't think it's better
It's not like my options
Oh my gosh
That dude right there
Play that
What the fuck was that down in the corner
Did y'all see that
Who are you waiting for
My friends
We know you're here to see an 11 year old girl
She said she was 12
(01:23:53):
Joseph we've got the
Screenshots where it shows that you've been
Sending pictures of your toes
Again
Joseph calm down
This is already being sent to the police
Wait hold on
Is this real
How did he get your shirt
Dude
How did he get your shirt
(01:24:15):
Go back
What the fuck
Is that Drake in that Sprite commercial
Hold on let me see I'll click on one D
So we don't see a video
She said she was 12
Oh man dude that's why Shane Gillis
Is in legitimate science
Look at the Gillis face on that guy
Dude
Hey save that picture Brandon that's literally your shirt
(01:24:37):
Dude
Shit man
She said she was 12
She said she was proper 12
What did she
I gotta know if this is real though
Cause lock him up if this is real
He needs to be locked away
What if he's 12
No look at that fucking haircut
What the fuck have you got on his head
(01:24:59):
I'm pretty sure he's got a beeper on his belt
That's the fucking
Tallest 12 year old I've ever seen
Hell yeah man
Oh my god say that one too
The anger in me to find out that she was Lyle in nearly 3 years
Witton's on me she had
And if a 12 year old girl witnessed that phase dude it's over
You're scarred for life
There's no difference between that face and when he comes
I get it
(01:25:21):
I get it
Lock his ass up
For life
Just execute that one
Execute that street golem dude
What the fuck
Oh shit
Now look at the video on the bottom left
What the fuck is that dude
Which one
Oh you were looking at that too
(01:25:43):
Yes man
Dude that's exactly what I was wondering
What the fuck
What is going on dude
Oh my face
Let me say this one that's Doris the explorer
From the tomb
Jake said she was hot
Hell yeah dude
I'd hit that
With a stick you know
(01:26:05):
I see
Geico commercials from 2006 with this
What
I don't even know what's happening right now
Are you talking about the caveman
How do you see Geico commercials from 2006 period
The picture that you guys are seeing right now is what we've been seeing this whole time
You've said
And you said Doris the explorer
And a Geico commercial
Yes
(01:26:27):
With this picture
Yes at first Doris the explorer from the lagoon
From the lagoon
And after that you got
What are we talking about
What is this person right there with the mug shot
How do we know that's a mug shot
Yeah
It's a fuck
It might not be a mug shot
I don't see any tallies behind her
(01:26:49):
I'll be honest I thought it was a mug shot too
There's nothing to indicate her height in that photo I will say
So it could not be a mug shot
Hey hold on
That could be a holding photo though for jail
I discovered an Instagram page
It's the best thing ever
It's called Mug Shotty's
It's one of the finest bitches mug shots
Follow it on Twitter
That's an amazing thing
(01:27:11):
You can find some girls that will do race play porn on Mug Shotty
They possess controlled substances, drug paraphernalia, aggravated battery, driving under the influence
They got everything
Conspiracy to murder is my favorite
You can't fuck with them the ones that kill people
Or be accessory to it
It's a one night stand dude
(01:27:33):
It's really going to be a one night stand
One night stand with lice
One night stand with lice
Exactly
It'll be the last one bucko
One night stand off
Because they're going to be in it to rob you
To rob?
I'm poor dude
I got robbed one time outside of a gas station
And this dude flashed a hand out of his gun at me
(01:27:55):
With his jacket and shit
And I got robbed for $11
And that was the more embarrassing part
I only had $11
You just gave it to me and ran off?
No, I mean I just gave it to him
And I filled up the gas in my car that I already paid for
Hold on
So what did he have?
What did he have when he was robbing you?
A gun
(01:28:17):
He showed me the handle had a zip up jacket
And showed me through his jacket
It might have been a drill now that I think about it
I mean honestly
I'm more scared
Jesus was a carpenter dude
But he didn't make weapons
I'm almost more scared of a guy that tries to rob me
With a drill than a gun, you know what I mean?
That dude's insane
I'd rather get shot than get drilled
(01:28:39):
He'll probably take his time on you too
He takes his time when he drills you
Outside of the gas station
If he completely incapacitates you
Does he cut off both your arms first and then come at you with the drill?
Fuck
No, he's going to go straight to the temple with the drill bit
He's going to lobotomize you at a chevron
He goes straight to the temple
And you're fine
How would you do it?
(01:29:01):
I would run away immediately
Then he would come at me with the drill bit
All loud and shit
If you were the guy with the drill bit
And you were going to kill somebody, how would you do it?
Would you go straight for the temple?
I would probably put down the drill
I feel like you would get in the way
I would probably put down the drill
And find some other
Use another way to do it
(01:29:23):
Or just hit you with the drill
Get in that jug
You could pistol whip somebody with the drill
Sure, pistol whip somebody with the drill
You think you're just going to overpower everybody you come in contact with?
What's a big ass motherfucker who got this drill?
Big ass motherfucker with a drill is a different story
Ushigari, take the drill
I think I said Ushigari
Ushigari
Get the arm
(01:29:45):
Break it
Hopefully the arm with the drill, take the drill
And run
And now you have a drill
I don't know, why don't you just drill him?
Yeah
I don't want to kill a guy with a drill
I want to sleep
So I would just break his arm
That's a more honorable way than a gun
To drill somebody?
(01:30:07):
You have to get up in there to get the drill
You give them a fighting chance
They can smack the drill
There's no honor in
To the death combat
There's no fair fights, just leave
You don't want to die by drill like a
Dahmer victim
That's fucking retarded
Just like his victims were for the six seconds they lived
Before dying
(01:30:29):
Damn
You wouldn't have stayed there and uh
And murdered him with a drill? No
I wouldn't have
I would have run
I would have Ushigari'd dude, I would have passed the guard
I would have got side control, I would have isolated the arm
I would have put him in an arm bar
And I would have had like Spiderweb
And I would have fucking broke that motherfucker
And taken the drill and ran dude
(01:30:51):
Snapped that motherfucker
Maybe choked him out for funsies
Fucking G
Hell yeah, 10th planet Jujutsu Decatur dude
Show up if you want to change your fucking life
Dude I guarantee you if I walk in there with a drill
Nobody's taking me out dude
Dude you will die instantly if you walk in there with a drill
I'll get in the corner, I'll have the drill right here dude
I'm protecting all angles, I've only got to worry about
Like half the usual space dude
(01:31:13):
Because there's two walls behind me, it's math dude
Hell yeah dude
Honestly if you go to a corner I don't see how you can be defeated
That's what I'm saying dude
I stand corrected dude
That's why Napoleon lost, there's no corner, he's in an open field
What the fuck you doing?
Honestly I was pretty confident until he was like
Does your building have corners? And I was like yeah it has corners
And he was like alright dude fine, you got us with the drill
Good job
(01:31:35):
I'm the corner coroner dude
I'm killing people in the corner
Hell yeah
I'll put you in time out
I'll put you in rotation
That could be your wrestling name
The corner dude
And then your special moves are always in the corner
And then you fight Brandon
Oh yeah I fight Brandon
(01:31:57):
Brandon who's your character?
My character, shit hold up man
Let me tell you what this nigga's called
I have his fucking name, his name would be
BW the Bomber
This nigga would be like a boxer, he got all this type of combos
And shit it's like Rocky, Kreese
Hell yeah I'm throwing bombs
This is like motherfucking Tyson
BW Bomber versus
And Bass Rooting bro
(01:32:19):
Hey dude, they have midget wrestling at the
Boxcar
Get in there, ask them
Throw them $50 and let us use the ring
For a skit
Oh I thought you were going to say throw them $50 and let Brandon
Participate
Like we shave his shins off
And we get him in there dude
I wonder about
I'm not Brandon the Bush Midget dude
(01:32:41):
Nooo
Oh that's a good one
Oh my god that's funny dude
They already had that guy in WWE
They did? Yeah they had somebody like that
Oh not Brandon the Bush, oh I thought you were talking about
Like a Bush man or something
A Bush man?
That's what I thought he said, I was like the Bush man
Dude I got this
Every time I tell somebody this story
(01:33:03):
Nobody laughs, I don't know why I think it's funny
Just because I'm this fucked up
So he's talking about Bush man right
Y'all remember Faces of Death?
Okay so Faces of Death was this thing you buy on a cassette
And you watch a whole bunch of fucked up shit
Most of the time people are dying
And one of the only ones that I still say this shit to this day
Is like a Bush man
And this African army was like
We're the black bomb soldiers and he was like
(01:33:25):
I am not a black bomb soldier but I can tell you what a black bomb soldiers be
And I say that still to this day
Like when I greet friends
I haven't seen them like, they text me
Like I am not a black bomb soldier
But then they was like
Okay okay and the American
Or British white guys
Talking to him, he was like you're gonna let him go
He's like oh yeah he's gonna be safe, he's gonna be safe
And then the camera just cuts to him getting shot
(01:33:47):
And dragged across his chest
Damn
It was completely ethical dude
It's fucked up at the end
But he was ready to snitch on all the black bomb soldiers
Whoever the black bomb soldier is
This thing was about to snitch on all of you
I am not a black bomb soldier but I can tell you what a black bomb soldiers be
And then the beat drops dude
(01:34:09):
I am not a black bomb soldier but I can tell you what a black bomb soldiers be
Dude I would have remembered that forever
Just like I remember
What you said to Brandon the other night
We were hanging at my house
And y'all were about to crash on the floor
Hell yeah we were fucked up
And you had a bread of the blanket
He goes alright you got the floor on Brandon goes
(01:34:31):
Just like that real quick dude
And Brandon before Brady could say anything
Dom was just like alright you got the floor
And Brady was like what and Dom goes
Huh
Brady go get on the floor
He was about to say what is that huh
I slept on the floor I was knocked out
That shit was so funny dude
(01:34:53):
Yeah that was
We're like some big ass kids like we're having a sleepover
We're just at the house
He has no full leaf covers
This is five in the morning
You had to pick a section of your body that you wanted to be worn
You just got to use squeaks as a pillow
I didn't expect to have you know
People in the life
God bless comedy
(01:35:17):
You give me biscuits
What is this biscuits you keep on saying
When they do that thing
Oh that's what that's called
Making biscuits
I've heard this term
I want a cat dude
Hell yeah man
I want another cat
We could all go cat shopping together
And it wouldn't even be gay a little bit dude
(01:35:39):
How is it gay dude it's all about pussy dude
Hell yeah
We all pay for pussy and go together
You're such a good person with that man
We found our first clip
Young Williams
What?
Nevermind
Rim shot please
(01:36:01):
Thank you
There it is
Jake it's been a
It's been a pleasure having you on
And
I mean you guys just seen what he's about right
This is what you get all the time
If you go out and see him on a show
And people who are booking shows put this man on him
JJ
You said it before
(01:36:23):
I was hey fuck everybody
Fuck Dom fuck everybody dude
I said that Jake was the funniest comedian in Huntsville way before anybody
I saw it dude
I saw the talent that he had
You don't understand dude I'm Nick Saban
I'm the fucking Nick Saban of Huntsville comedy
I know which comedians are going to be good
Now become friends with them the other ones
Fuck them dude I don't talk to them
(01:36:45):
I'm just kidding dude
I love you I love everybody
Yeah he was kidding there's a little rim shot
All the new people are good
All the new people are good
Shout out Jake, Charlie, Min
Blake
Min my future wife
Blake Hayden
Shout the fuck out dude he's getting so much better
He was already like when he first
(01:37:07):
Got up I'm like damn this guy you know this is
His first time he did
I'm so glad he kept coming back
He kept on coming back
He's better than he should be for sure
He just proved it on stand up live
He put it all together and he delivered
A good sex
I'm sorry I said I had sex with your dad
For a bit
And I was very drunk that night
(01:37:29):
They sell Four Locos and that's irresponsible
But I've been craving one ever since
To be honest with you I don't know what that's about
They make me feel young again
You think I won't fucking kill you for a Four Loco
You are out of your goddamn mind
It's the best flavor Jake what's your favorite Four Loco
The strawberry lemonade
Hell yeah that's the right answer
There's nothing else
You had fruit punch
(01:37:51):
Hell yeah dude
Which one did you guys have? I had the fruit punch
I didn't know they had strawberry lemonade
They have the green and I hate green apple
They have green red and then strawberry lemonade
Fuck green apple dude what are you a fucking immigrant
The flavor of a real
You sour puss dude
What the fuck your PH balance is off
You guys are fucking killers dude
They aren't going to like that one dude
(01:38:13):
You're fucking killers
This has been fun
Hell yeah
And Brandon too man
Thank you man
Thank you
Brandon just had a nice proper kill in Birmingham
And in Huntsville
And then my boy Tyler
He came out and seen us
He was there last night too right
(01:38:35):
He came out and seen us at the Newbie show
And he's been in love
He watched all the podcasts back
And he keeps on talking about it
He's like we got to get a camera on Brandon during the interview
Because he just said something like we just want to see his face
We got it now
You got the fans out there claiming before you Brandon
I really do
Brandon's corner
We're going to have first three cameras
(01:38:57):
Hopefully it works
We got three cameras dude
What is this a fucking porno
Here we go dude
Let's get on the table
I would tell you to tell the camera whatever you got
But you don't got shit
You want to tell Mr. Squeaks
You want to follow that
Mr. Squeaks speaks on Instagram dude
Oh and he's got a YouTube channel
(01:39:19):
It's got a name
We'll get it
We'll put it on there
But he's also got a YouTube channel
He's constantly just fucking up birds dude
He's just so good at it
Born hunter
That's pretty much it
I have other social media
Connected to other things
That I don't necessarily want connected to comedy
(01:39:41):
We'll cut that
Alright, yes, Brandon
Rim shot you son of a bitch
Thank you
Thanks big dog
Let's go eat
Let's go eat
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