MRE (Military Reparations Experience) | #ClownCollegeComedyPodcast | Ep 65 W/ Ian Miller - Clown College Comedy

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
This week on Clown College.

(00:08):
No fruit juices, Kool-Aid.
Vegetable tacos.
Oh, we got cheese spread with jalapenos.
Jalapeno cashews.
You want to tell people what this feels like?
Oh, you got the Reese's?
You want to try?
Why is this one bar of sour stew?
Is this how they all come?
No, no.
I don't know how old these are.
I got to eat before it would just...

(00:29):
This one just is on its cycle right now, dude.
Oatmeal chocolate chunk cookie.
That's pretty good.
Double chunk chocolate chunk cookie.
It is chocolate chunk cookie.
Sorry, your aunt died.
Yo, what is it?
Chuck E. C.
No, why am I tasting blood?
You get gum?
It's not a laxative gum.
I bit myself.
Some people...
I see blood.

(00:50):
Brandon hurt himself up in the...
Welcome to Clown College.
We have profound knowledge.
In many ways to elevate and make yourself polished.
So if you want to hear a little honest,
a few takes on the ways to make it as a comic,
then stick around for a while to fit down to Clown.
We got the guests right now just to show you how.

(01:12):
Let's all go to Clown College, baby.
It's with Brandon, Willis, Don, and JJ.
Let's all go to Clown College, baby.
It's with Brandon, Willis, Don, and JJ.

(01:54):
Brandon...
I mean, Brandon's probably pulling enough for five people.
Brandon's getting 500%.
He's gonna look at it like...
Brandon's five-star diddly.
The diddler.
Is that what you...
No, I was talking about like,
you remember P. Diddy, everybody would say diddly?
No.

(02:15):
I thought I got a P. Diddy watch also.
That's crazy.
What do you mean you got a P. Diddy watch?
They gave it to me years ago.
Like it was Sean, whatever his real name is.
Sean John?
Yeah, I got the Sean John watch.
And then I had the necklace that I broke.
He was hot for a while. You remember that?
Sean John had some good shit.
They're like metallic denim jeans that everybody wore.
That sounds terrible.
And they were so oversized, and you wore a long white T-shirt.

(02:38):
Man, fashion did make sense.
But metallic jeans?
Like if somebody took a flash photo of you,
would they light up on the picture?
Oh, yeah.
For real?
Some people would crease them up real, real good.
Crease them?
Yeah.
They were frowned upon.
Oh, now?
But back in the day, what you put in?
Metallic jeans. Sean John.

(02:59):
You got to put like early 2000s.
Early 2000s.
I don't like this, man.
It's nothing like that.
Those are $600. Sean John jeans for $600.
Oh, is that him wearing them right there?
So go to the left, the second one from the left.
Right here?
Yeah, so like that.
That?
Yeah, dude.
That looks...
Dude, that was hot.

(03:20):
Are those shorts or are they actually long?
Those are probably shorts.
But they're just as long as pants.
And that's what we need to go back to.
The shorts that I wear are like the length of the back pocket.
Y'all have seen those shorts aren't long enough.
Yeah, that's...
Expensive as hell.
JJ.
Yes.
We got special guests today, don't we?
We do.
As always, every guest we have on this podcast is special.

(03:43):
Except the ones that we talk about after they leave.
And Brandon knows who I'm talking about.
Yes, I do.
I'm a special guest on this podcast.
I'm a special guest on this podcast.
So, who are we talking about?
The second one.
Oh, I know.
Scrappy dude, right?
Is that what we're talking about?
He would never be a guest on this podcast.
Are you talking about special, special?
For as long as...
Well, anyways.
Yeah, who we got, baby?
We have a very special guest today.

(04:05):
He's still in the military?
Yeah, in the Guard.
In the Guard.
Thank you for your service.
Thank you.
And everything that you do to protect us and our civil liberties and freedoms.
It's a hobby job, dude.
I'm in the guard.
Thank you.
It's Ian Miller.
But we do have beef.
And I do want to bring this up first thing.

(04:26):
Ian Miller ignored me one time when he saw me in public at Taco Mama.
I was sitting there with two of my coworkers and my girlfriend.
And I saw Ian walk into the restaurant with this girl.
But while he was walking in, because we were sitting outside.
And while he was walking in, I was like, hey Ian.
And immediately he was like, hey I wasn't going to bother you.
I know you saw me before I saw him.

(04:50):
And he was just going to walk by and ignore me.
Didn't you do like that little kid where he looks back like that?
No, I could tell he was focusing on looking dead in the head.
He didn't even want to give the impression that he knew.
But as soon as like, hey, before I even said his name, he's turning.
I heard your voice and JJ, I forgot your name.
I had just been telling that woman before about how Dom got tased in my backyard.

(05:20):
And then I was like, what's JJ's name?
I got a hard one to remember.
And then it was the first day too.
So I was like, alright, yeah, I'll see you later, JJ.
That didn't work out. It was fun.
I understand that. That's very understandable.
Well, I had my name tag on.

(05:42):
I'm talking about the walking thing.
Did you really?
No, I didn't. The walking thing.
When you see somebody, you're like, dang man, I don't know if I should go in that corner and be like, hey man.
Because what if they're doing some stuff?
You know what I mean?
What the fuck? You're talking about like at a store.
Yeah, I showed up early to talk to mama.
Yeah, that's what I was talking about.

(06:03):
I was like, oh no, alright.
What kind of stuff are they doing?
No, I'm talking about like when you go to talk to mama and you see somebody and you'll be like, dang man, maybe they're like, you know, I don't know.
Maybe it's the overthinking or something.
You guys have something in common.
Yes, I feel that.
It is awesome.
Like ADHD or something. We just get multitasking's hard.

(06:24):
Jessica reminds me of that.
I would understand if it was somebody that I just, you kind of knew. We know each other.
We've known of each other.
There were so many things going on in my head that I thought I heard you the first time I went in and then when I walked back out because I was going to go back to my car because she was running late.

(06:46):
And then I was like, oh, fuck, what's JJ's name?
And then it was an awkward interaction.
No, you had an awkward interaction?
It happens.
You know, Brandon, if I saw you in public or you saw me and you didn't say anything, dude, I'd be pissed at you, man.

(07:09):
I would too.
I'll say something to y'all.
Okay.
I got you. I'll be like, man, what up, man?
Who the fuck are you?
Oh, come on, man. Don't do that.
I'll be like, oh, I'll back up.
That is funny. You make him say something and you're like, get the fuck away from me.
I'll be like, JJ, you're like, get the fuck back, nigga. Oh, man, I can't believe you said that.
You're following Conor McGregor's footsteps.

(07:33):
Yeah, I'll beat up a Mexican guy and then call a Muslim guy the N-word.
A lot of times, too.
Did you see that?
I heard about that from y'all. Maybe throw something at Torbo's?
Yeah.
You want me to read it to you?
Yeah, I got you.
Hold on. Let me put this screen record back on so we can all see.
And I will search this up real quick with what Conor said.

(07:57):
Yeah, let's get the Sean John jean shorts off.
Dude, those are fucking fire. That brings back so many memories.
That's $300. That's wild.
John Cena definitely owns a couple pairs of those.
Oh, guaranteed.
Is that 2002? Smackdown know your role? Hell yeah.
All right, let's see.
Let's see.
No, hold up. Wrong one.

(08:19):
Comet.
Tweet.
To Khabib.
Let's see right here.
He's always said shit to Khabib.
Let's go on the news.
Yeah, the racist rant.
No, it's there.
Hold up.
The racist rant.
The slur field rant. All right.
Let's go down here.
Man, you can find this easily on Instagram.

(08:40):
Okay, what the fuck is the prostate?
We were talking about prostate.
There it is. The first one.
Okay, he said, show your wife, nigga.
Wait, wait, wait. Can you do the Irish accent?
Let's start from the beginning.
15 minutes I'm done.
No, hold on.
15 minutes I done Jose Aldo.
15 seconds. Your wife's nigga?

(09:02):
Show your wife's niggas.
No, show your kids, nigga.
The Irishman wrote, with the screenshot of his post,
preserved by MMA junkie, cousin fuck nigga,
motherfucking nigga, hiding motherfucker.
Show it your you and your cousin's kids together.
Because we have kids here in Ireland
that want to smoke them in competition.

(09:24):
Are they competing?
Or what?
Are you saying Ireland versus Dakarstan?
Where's your offspring?
We can't wait to see them.
The best Dakarstan offspring, Dakarstan.
What do we think? Is it true?
Who's next? Call a foxhole?
With the coach whistle?
What do you think though?
Man, you want me to keep going?

(09:46):
Nah.
Wait, why are you doing a Nigerian?
I want to know why you're a Nigerian, Jamaican,
and we're the elite.
It just sounds like the I, why are you gay?
No, I'm a Nigerian.
You are the gay.
Hold on, let me try.
I'm Conor McGregor.
Is that better?
Do it again.
I'm Conor McGregor.

(10:07):
Can anybody here do it?
Absolutely, fuck it out.
You can?
Well, I'll try.
I don't know, I'm not going to do one.
Hey, will you play Connor talking real quick?
Yeah, I got you.
Can you do it?
If I can try to repeat something he says,
I'm not good at Irish accent.
Neither am I.
You can just press on any video.
I can only do Asian accent.
The UFC victory speech.

(10:30):
If it's eating anyone up.
Here you go, one.
I'm not doing a speech, dude.
I've spent a lot of time, Joe.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
I got it now.
I ridiculed everyone on the roster.
Yep.
To absolutely nobody.

(10:52):
Including but not limited to saying the N-word
three times in three sentences.
I'd like to apologize to absolutely nobody.
There you go, that's better.
Just kidding.
I just had to see it.
I just want to tell you, Joe.
I just want to tell you to Brandon,
no matter how many times they touch you,
What the fuck?

(11:13):
Oh, damn.
They can't take your heart.
Oh, man.
I feel like I'm on Breakdown.
Poor William Wallace.
He said he couldn't break my heart.
Brave Cuck.
Can't take your heart, but I'll take your dick.
You're like, oh, shit.
Thought we were acting like something happened.
It is funny to think of like him saying the N-word
with an Irish accent.

(11:35):
I wonder how he says it.
Me too.
He lets it go, I know that.
You can get AI to do Conor McGregor's voice
and read out his.
That would be great.
And you look, he date AI.
Dude, I walked into work like this one day.
You do like walking scene-ins in her.
Yeah.
They asked if I was leaving them for the police department.

(11:58):
Someone asked if Siri broke up with me.
And another dude said I look like I beat the Waifu pillar
that I sleep with.
Wow.
Who said all this?
These are coworkers.
Oh, wow.
That's fucking good.
It's true.
Some people don't have a job anymore.
It's not because I did any IT shit that got them in trouble.

(12:19):
They just don't work there anymore.
OK.
Damn, man.
I mean, it would help when I was a kid.
I was like, that might be the shit.
That's why I was alone.
I was like, I guess AI is it.
Get a little robot.
Hold on a second.
Let's pause for a moment.
I have this camera.
This camera and JJ's.

(12:40):
What fucking camera is it?
Thank you guys so much for inviting me.
Sometimes I feel like people like, I know like it's important
that people have their voice, but like I also need a voice
to talk about these things too.

(13:02):
I was getting all of my groceries and stuff like that,
and I finished my groceries and I had $20 left over
and I look over and there's this man.
He was a race, like kind of maybe a little darker.
So I was like, this is good, right?
This is good.
But then like it wasn't good because like, I don't know.
Anyways, I just think, you know what?

(13:24):
I'm going to do something nice for him.
And so I decide I'm going to give this man $20 that I have left over.
Right.
So I approach him.
So that I noticed that I've noticed your condition
and we're really close to Kwanzaa.
And I just really, he said he was like a lawyer and stuff,
but like, ma'am, I don't know you.
I'm on the phone with my wife.
You know, you're making me very uncomfortable

(13:46):
and I just don't understand it.
I don't know.
It was just this hard situation.
Like I'm trying to be a good person, right?
I have never been racist in my entire life.
And then all of a sudden, like there's all this stuff going on me.
And I'm just like, I'm just trying to give this guy $20
because like I think we're not going to get over the race thing.
We can't stop.

(14:07):
Like we can't end racism without helping one another.
And if I'm trying to help you end racism,
I need, I need you also to like meet me.
Right.
I feel like, I mean, not to get, I don't want to get all into my beliefs on that,
but like meet me a little bit.
You know what I mean?
So I'm trying to give him this $20 because I care.
Right.
I care.

(14:28):
I'm like, you wouldn't take it.
And then so I started crying, which just really upset people.
So then like somebody called the cops, which I was just like,
maybe they can help, you know?
I don't know.
And then like the police showed up and I was,
I'm not allowed at the Public's on 72.
And I don't know.
I just feel like maybe I could have handled that differently.

(15:05):
I've seen you graduated to the Carl Hart church.
That's good.
When I was in the widest place in the world, Wilcock, Alabama.
Never, never.
I was in Millbrook.
Millbrook.
Oh yeah.
I was in Millbrook.
Then we went to, we went to Birmingham and then went to a Carl Hart and they had like
banging shit for cheap.
They have a Carl Hart outlet in Birmingham?

(15:27):
Yeah.
I bet it's like the fucking Piggly Wiggly that got in Mountain Brook.
It's appropriated shit.
Oh yeah.
What you mean?
Like fucking go to, there's a Piggly Wiggly at Mountain Brook that it's not like,
not like the Piggly Wiggly you used to have out in like harvest and shit.
Yeah, that got blown away by the tornado.
That's how you know it's a real Piggly Wiggly, dude.
Is when you get, I remember my grandpa used to know an older gentleman that worked there

(15:51):
and he, I just remember being a kid and he was like, we had to get in the freezer.
That's all I remember.
The whole fucking thing blew away.
Yeah.
The tornado, yeah.
And they lived?
Yeah.
They were in the freezer, man.
Yeah.
Cause I was in high school when that happened.
So like we were just out for a week.
So it was also when they got Osama fucking, we didn't have power.

(16:12):
I didn't give a fuck.
Like I remember there were toilets like in the street cause,
Wow.
Anson Hills, one of the subdivision just gets blown away every time a tornado.
It looked like Daniel Tosh made fun of us on Tosh.
Cause it looked like God just wiped his thumb through Alabama.
And yeah, no people's like toilets were in the street and shit,
but I was on a plane once and the dude was like, so you don't have to like tell me much.

(16:36):
I'm sorry.
This is, this is not a well coordinated story, but he's like, just tell me where you get your groceries from.
Is it from like Walmart, public store, like a pig, I was like, well, pig blew away.
He's like, that's all I need to hear.
I was like, I don't know.
I was on the plane.
He asked me about the April 27th tornado.

(16:57):
This was in 2011, right?
Yeah, that was 2011.
So this would have been like, that airplane ride would have been like 2014 or something.
Yeah. Cause I was already in the guard.
Yeah, that was rough.
It was a weird, weird conversation.
Tilly Wiggly was a weird grocery store because they had like a bullpen in the middle of the grocery store with all the glass around it.
I never understood what that was for.

(17:18):
There was always a dude in there.
It was like this glass box in the middle of the grocery store.
Uh, glass box.
That might've been a testing facility that I was at.
But I do remember that very clearly.
A glass box in the middle with a dude in it.
Yeah, and a big Hawaiian guy that kind of looked like you would sit in there.
I'm not even joking.

(17:39):
Are you for real?
For what?
I don't know.
Maybe that's where the cigarettes were or something.
Oh, that one is just...
I don't think this is normal.
I don't know what he's talking about.
I don't think this is everywhere.
But at the Pigly Wiggly...
They had a Hawaiian dude trapped there?
They had a guy that would dress up in the Pigly...
They just had the wall over you as a mascot.

(18:00):
He was a lobster they were selling.
You said that was a lobster?
Tap on the glade.
Oh yeah, like the little lobster cage or whatever where the lobsters were trying to fight,
but they got their fincher's like...
The Hawaiian guy in there.
Wrist band together.
You can go fight him for $10.
He just fucks you up.
He fed on the lobsters?
He said that was lobsters.
I'm like, okay, Pigly Wiggly lobster cage.

(18:22):
There's nothing.
He didn't say it was lobsters.
He said, like a lobster cage.
Oh, like a lobster.
Dude, that's when America started getting soft, man, when we took the lobster tank out of the
grocery store.
We used to be a real country until we took out the cage fight with the lobsters.
That's what I'm saying.
Dude, I saw this video of a restaurant in Japan.
They have these shrimps in a little glass container and they pour vodka in there.

(18:43):
They're jumping and freaking the fuck out because apparently they can't breathe when
you pour that stuff in there.
They die a slow death and apparently it makes it taste better.
That's horrible.
They do it at the table in front of it.
It was one of the white women that do the traveling pages on Instagram.
She was crying in the restaurant.
Are you serious?
They're fucking shrimp.
When in Rome, you got to adhere to the culture.

(19:04):
Now you're getting vodka flavored shrimp though because it burns out the alcohol but keeps
flavor.
Yeah.
I'm allergic to shrimp, dude.
I won't eat it anyway.
But you wouldn't mind seeing them die.
I'd love to see it.
A slow and painful death.
I love it.
I bet you wouldn't.
I don't give a fuck, dude.
JJ's all for animal cruelty.
All right.
Damn, man.

(19:25):
Speaking of animal cruelty, you did a show in Tulu, Mississippit.
Tupelo, yeah.
Tupelo.
Was the great KC there?
Yeah, from the show.
King of the Tupelo.

(19:46):
King of the Tupelo.
You did a show there.
That's awesome, man.
I haven't seen King of the Tupelo.
I just remember it was the Amsterdam bar and grill and it was a Palestinian deli and like
Logan Peters hadn't really advertised it.
They pulled some dudes off the street.
So me and Andrew Ledbetter were just there and they had some one-armed dude from New

(20:06):
York flew down for the show too.
We were just like, all right.
People were trying to have family dinner and then like the worst local open micers are doing
their worst 15 minutes.
It was a great time.
That sounds like a street joke.
Oh wow.
Okay.
I do like me some chicken shawarma.
Andy paid like 50 bucks.
There you go.
That's a win.

(20:27):
Yeah.
At least you didn't get hurt out there.
They would have cut you up and sold your body parts on the black market.
That's what happens in Tupelo.
I believe everything tastes there.
And the North Mississippi Medical Center.
I knew too.
So I'll be watching.
Right after that show, my buddy became a recruiter out in Tupelo for the army.
Did he do like an Elvis gimmick?
I have to.

(20:48):
Yeah.
They really liked Elvis jokes.
Oh yeah.
I wonder why.
Yeah.
The women love it, dude.
They're like obsessed with it.
It's crazy to me.
I don't know.
Old women like an Elvis.
It's just like, gosh.
It gets them still more.
I don't like it.
I had a boss that apparently saw Elvis live and that he's like, he's about 60, but it

(21:11):
really like, I was scratching my brain like how old were you when you went and saw Elvis?
I thought Elvis died like forever ago.
That's what I thought.
Yeah.
Like that.
Like the 78, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Let me see.
I think it was 1978.
50 years ago.
That's not long at all.
That's very recent.
That's like 10 years before I was born.
That's it.
That was 50 years ago.

(21:32):
That's not long.
That's very recent.
Brandon, what are you talking about?
Oh, I was a year off.
1977.
Him ritualing that toilet.
You just got to get Brandon three plus minus, right?
Yes.
On years.
He's good.
He's golden.
Brandon, what year did... I'm trying to think of something that was big, but not that.

(21:54):
Princess Diana.
Princess Diana?
What was it?
1994 or 98?
I don't know.
Well, what's your final answer, dude?
I'm going to say 96.
Okay.
You guys have an answer?
It probably is 96.
I'd say 97.
I was thinking 94 because it was his first guess.
Yeah.

(22:15):
And I trust him.
I'm going to say 92.
92.
Let's see.
No, no.
Diana Ross.
She met Tupac.
She met Tupac?
Diana.
Do you think he had something to do with her death?
Yeah.
You never know.
Princess.
Maybe P. Diddy did because he was trying to get Tupac.
What is it?
1997.
I get these deaths right.
I get them right.
I mean, dying during the Jordan years, that's peak.

(22:37):
There's nothing else to see.
Right?
Might as well.
It didn't get better?
No.
I mean, what happened after this?
9-11.
Yeah.
Ebola.
COVID.
COVID.
Not a bad shit.
This podcast.
That's a highlight.

(22:58):
I don't know what you're talking about.
That's true.
I like to think she's watching from the big castle in the sky.
Yeah.
Is she the bassist?
I think Castle in the Sky.
Is that not a Nazi thing?
Is it?
Let's find out.
I think that was a show that was written around if the Nazis won.
No, Castle in the Sky is from that Bill Withers song.

(23:20):
You know what I'm talking about?
You don't know Bill Withers?
No.
Just the two of us.
Just the two of us.
We can make it if we try.
Just the two of us.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
No, this is not what I was thinking.
What the hell?
That's a little castle in the sky.
I think that was Howl's Moving Castle.
That's the one.
Oh, you watch anime, Ian?

(23:42):
Do you look at me?
Of course I do.
Oh, man.
What's your favorite anime?
I know Dom's really into this conversation.
Go ahead.
Go at it.
I like to learn.
Fuck, that's tough.
I think Yu Hakusho was pretty good.
Oh, me too.
Yeah, because it had a good run.
That's what they base all tournament arcs around now, and for some reason they had teenagers

(24:06):
just drip the fuck out.
That's a good idea, isn't it?
No, I mean not...
Oh, wow.
That was not a decisive no.
That was more like a passive yes.
But like...
Hell yeah.
That's my favorite theme song.
Yeah, no, it does have a good theme song.

(24:30):
They base... that's the archetype for a bunch of characters.
I finished Attack on Titan the other day, because since I had COVID, I was just binging shit
while I was working.
That one is something.
JJK was good.
I tried to get into that one.
I heard y'all talking about an anime.
I ate that finger that he ate.
I got the gummy bear one of it, the life-size one.

(24:51):
Ate that finger.
How'd it feel?
Did you get a curse?
You would think.
It didn't taste that good.
But it was tough.
So his finger...
It was very tough.
So basically, it's called Jujutsu Kaisen.
And the guy eats the finger of this demon or something, and he gets these powers, but

(25:12):
it's called a curse, because he also turns into this demon guy, and the demon guy can
take him over, but he has enhanced powers and stuff.
I stopped listening about one third of a second.
Dude, you'll listen to this.
My favorite anime as of late is this anime called Blue Lock.
The soccer one?
It's about cute boys that play soccer and try their hardest.

(25:34):
What's it called?
It's Blue Lock.
It's called Blue Lock.
I'm just joking, man.
I'm just messing with you.
You said Blue Rock?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Backspace on the R?
What was that first result?
Blue chewed couple.
What is that about?
What is that about, dude?
This is definitely for our skittles and so on.
I don't know what one it was.
It's prescribed, guys.

(25:59):
But it's about cute boys that play soccer and try their best at soccer.
Look at that, dude.
Look at how cute these guys are.
What's up with the cute?
They're shirtless boys.
Oh no.
And they get in the locker room.
Horror and rage.
Yeah.
I'm like 17.
Max.

(26:19):
Ready to binge watch it tonight?
You ever seen this?
Nope.
You gonna watch it?
Nope.
I love, but I do like this anime because it's so funny.
The sports animes are so ridiculous.
They're all over the top.
They take it the most mundane.
One pass will take five minutes because it's like they go to every single character and

(26:41):
how they feel and how they react.
Everybody's acting like it's World War III, like life and death.
It's so good.
You seen the boxing one they got?
I forgot.
It was like in the 90s.
I forgot what it's called.
That's really good.
Yeah.
There's a lot of those.
I remember hearing that Demon Slayer, the author, came out.
I was like, yeah, guys, I drew all that flashy stuff with the swords just to keep y'all's

(27:05):
attention because they're really just swinging swords.
All the Japanese characters, they don't see none of that.
Swords.
It's a Michael Jackson looking villain.
It's good.
Yeah.
It's crazy.
It's ridiculous, dude.
Is it like whenever we showed you black movies, is it like this?
You got to show me anime?
Or what would be your thing to show me?

(27:25):
I don't know.
Maybe Ken Burns documentaries about Vietnam and World War II.
I'm down for that.
Or like serial killer documentaries.
There you go.
But I don't like to show the tricks of the trade.
Those are some outdated methods.
We got newer stuff.
When you watch them, are you like a magician that watches somebody give away the tricks?

(27:47):
No, it's like I'm in class taking notes.
It's like learning from the goats.
It's like, what did Richard Ramirez used to do?
I watch Office Space like it's game film.
I'm just taking notes.
I feel like you take all your notes in Excel.
I do in Excel.

(28:07):
Damn, man.
I have a word doc just titled scratch notes or scratch pad.
Each cell is a word.
I have personal beef with every engineer in my office.
I understand.
You're an engineer?
No, I'm not.
But I had to replace an engineer as their sysadmin and all of their instructions are
written for other autistic engineers.

(28:29):
So there's a bunch of steps missing.
You feel right in there.
They're all old.
None of them really, they talk about weird shit or they just don't talk at all.
I wish I felt it.
I'd spit in there.
I wish I fit in.
I feel like you probably do, man.
You probably have a good time.

(28:53):
Not like when I was supporting an office where the median age was this.
That's a lot easier.
I feel like the youngest dude before me is like 36.
The rest of them are like in their 50s.
36.
How old are you?
I've never asked.
I'm 29.
Oh, yeah, we're close.

(29:14):
I'm 21.
Yeah, I thought you and JJ were a lot older than you were.
How old do I look?
Like if you saw me in the street.
Now I know you're 21.
No, like if you didn't know.
I think originally I probably thought you were like 22 or something.
If you were on a blind dating show, people would say like 75.
Oh, yeah.
Like your references.
Just with the voice.

(29:34):
Did you just hear Ian?
What?
He said, he said, he said, I thought you guys were a lot older.
And he was like, well, he's like, I know you're 21 now.
I probably thought you were 22.
Dang.
Oh my God.
Dude, I'm older.
Yeah, it's not too far.
I was watching the AFC championship at the, just like a little bit of it at this, at
my friend Lucas's house.

(29:54):
And his girlfriend was sitting there and she was like, man, it's only six 41.
It feels a lot later.
And Lucas was like, yeah, it feels like seven o'clock.
And he also like, I hate to put them on blast, dude, but it's so fucking funny.
Like we're watching the game.
And he's like, why'd they kick it?

(30:16):
Like he was fourth down.
Like I just slowly realized he didn't know how football works.
Like not even the basics.
And then he, it feels like seven o'clock.
Oh, this is more than, okay.
He wasn't fucking around.

(30:37):
That's a good joke.
If he was fucking around, he wasn't still funny though.
Yeah.
What's up, man?
Not much, dude.
I don't have COVID anymore.
That's good.
Yeah, man.
Is your favorite food imitation crab, brand goons?

(30:58):
No, no.
We got some faulty information.
I can't wait to see what y'all looked up.
So I remember earlier you were talking about, uh, you know what?
We'll just say this.
So you grew up with three legged dogs.
Is that true?
I had a three legged dog, uh, named courage.
She got hit as a puppy.

(31:19):
She was an Australian shepherd.
Uh, yeah, she was, she was a good dog.
Yeah.
Good dog.
Yeah.
Was she named courage after the TV show?
Absolutely.
So I see that more to it.
It says, do you think dogs call other well hung dogs five legged?
No, I don't know where you got that.
Oh, that's not me.
That wasn't me.
That's just a question from him.

(31:40):
That's just a good question.
He was like, do you think other dogs, uh, yeah.
Have you ever seen a five legged dog?
You think that's a furry?
This is the fifth time in a row.
I was just wondering.
He's not joking.
No, he's not joking at all.
No, man, I'm just wondering.
Like I was just.
Brandon, are you a furry?
No, I'm not a furry.
I don't do no furry stuff, man.
This is the fifth episode in a row he brought up a furry.
I'm just wondering, man, because we talking about dogs and these, we talking about well,

(32:06):
you know what?
This is, this is digging a hole.
Brandon, you're going to have to start sending your porn searches into the group chat, dude,
because we need to keep an eye on you.
Guess what?
You're not going to see anything.
It's just going to be clear.
Why?
Because he uses VPN.
Oh, shit.
What is that?
Brandon's using the new DeepSeek AI to make furry porn for him.
What's VPN?

(32:27):
No, I'm just, I'm not, I'm just, I don't know what that is.
I'd like to know.
That's deflections, huh?
He's right.
He is right.
Oh my gosh.
What, you know, a VPN is just, it just change your IP address so.
Like incognito?
It looks like they're somewhere else.
It matches your location so that like, it thinks that you're in like Illinois or something.

(32:48):
So when you go onto whatever furry website, it's not blocked because of Alabama legislation.
Yeah.
Okay.
So what, what, what like site do they have?
Like, cause you know, like you have like a big, you know, like a big tech sites and you
have big ass sites.
What furry sites do they have and what are they called?

(33:09):
Russ and Rowdy, but R U S S. Is that what they call it?
I have no idea.
I've never seen furry.
But if you, if you did see one, if you did, what would be the website or would you just
go to furry on a porn hub or X video?
Maybe just porn hub, right?
I feel like they would have that on their X video.
And you just type it in the search engine.
Yeah.

(33:29):
It would just pop up.
That's like Wikipedia.
Is that like a BBT big black tail?
Maybe, maybe.
Big bushy tail.
But you know where they put the tail?
Where?
In the ass.
Oh, okay.
I see what you're saying.
The plug.
Oh yeah, man.
That's where they get they, that's their plug.
That's why he's plugging his furry porn.

(33:50):
Do you think they have double ended ones?
Oh no.
Oh no.
One tail with two ends.
Like a medieval weapon.
Ooh, like haunted the hedgehog tails.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like that.
Where you fly around with the helicopter and shit.
Yeah.
That's what's up.
Do they have that?
I have no idea.
Dude, did you know Tails has a real name from Sonic?

(34:11):
It's a pun on Miles Prower.
I did not know that.
Pun on Miles Prower.
His name is Miles Prower.
Like Miles Prower.
I had no idea.
I thought his name was Tails.
I don't know.
Cause he has two tails, I guess.
Yeah.
Brandon, he fly around.
And you liked that?
The video game.
That you liked that.
You liked that so it imprinted on you at a young age.

(34:33):
Brandon, it's 2025.
You do not have to be ashamed of whatever the fuck you like.
I understand.
I appreciate that, man.
But Furries, no.
I just feel like if they want to do them, go do it.
Do you have a fascination?
Nope.
No.
You know, it's not saying you like it.
You just are interested in it.
No, the craziest thing I ever liked when I was younger was the Miss Incredible from Incredible.

(34:54):
That's not that crazy.
That's not crazy at all.
They understand.
You said you liked the Sonic games.
Sonic is just like furry DBZ.
They go Super Saiyan, dude.
Yeah, they do go Super Saiyan.
But I like the music.
I like the music and then the graphics and then the way.
It just makes me feel calm playing it.
So you like the way the game looks.
Yes.
The characters and the way they look.

(35:15):
Yeah, they look cool.
It's a good game.
They are like, I see, of course, nowadays advancements in the graphics are up and better.
That sounds a little suspicious.
No, it's got more realistic, like God of War, man.
Back in 2001, back in the gold days, man, back in the day, 2001.

(35:36):
2001, the gold days.
I wasn't alive yet.
Everything good that happened.
Yeah, man, it was a year.
But yeah, they had Dreamcast and stuff.
Then God of War on the first PlayStation looked different.
Now he got the beard, looked like Conor McGregor almost.
And it looks so realistic.
So can Kratos say, nigga?
Yeah, he's voice five black, man.
Yes, he can.
Yes, he can.

(35:56):
He's whiter than I am.
No, no, but his voice character is like.
No, he's not whiter than you are.
It's the ash of his family.
Exactly.
And that's why he doesn't feel bad.
So it's about OJ?
He can say it.
The chaos bleeds.
He can't say nothing now.
They just came out with another OJ documentary.
Ooh, on Netflix.
Yeah, how many are we going to do?

(36:17):
They're squeezing it dry, dude.
Squeezing it all the way.
He's dead now.
He clearly killed him.
And he got away with it, but that's something we needed at the time.
I forgot he died, bro.
Yeah, he died.
I forgot.
He was the best on Twitter.
I followed Twitter world.
Even if he did, which he probably did, even if he did kill those people, which he definitely

(36:38):
did.
Yeah, he clearly killed them.
Yeah, that was fucked up.
He is funny, though.
Naked Gun was awesome.
Naked Gun, that was a good movie.
Great movie.
He rest for 2,000 yards in the season, brother.
And this is like a 15 game.
But I'm saying Post-Murder OJ was still fun.
He outran the tops.
He was probably the best.

(36:58):
Oh, I bet he was the best hang.
Good hang.
He's like, he, he, he.
That's so funny.
That's wild.
That's so funny, dude.
He's acting like he's stabbing the news reporter.
That's crazy.
This might be a crazy statement, but since he definitely did kill those people, that
would be as if Hitler did an impression of killing Jews.

(37:22):
That's the level of craziness that that is at.
Just completely mocking the victim.
Wow, if they wrote a book if I did it well Hitler wrote a book that mine come
How did we got a read that on the bond Ron read a book?

(37:44):
He'd probably be so disappointed that we got kicked out of the the hockey league we got nothing to recruit these fucking
Canadian we have no youth programs. Yeah, that's true
You all play hockey y'all have hockey here
They got kicked out of the conference lost the team the Bama got a team

(38:05):
And then we got the Havoc the the semi-pro guys
No, yeah, yeah, I'm into the ha
Yeah, I saw yeah, I was I was backstage for him
I remember I used to security sometimes and watch watch them go in and out. It's really cool
I love the announcer for the Havoc games. Oh, man. He does a great job. Hey good

(38:33):
Tony the tight, you know who that dude is he's always at a
long goose I
Thought it was Casio for a while. Oh black guy and he talks like this
I just want and you can't many as a septum piercing. He he looks like
whatever that thing that
James McAvoy is in Chronicles of Narnia

(38:55):
Mr. Thomas, yes, he looks like that. I know you're talking about now
He looks like the black guy. I don't know what to do. He just he told us so you know who I'm talking about
I don't know
Hell yeah, I want to see always he sees comics at lo goos. Mr. Thomas. Yeah, mr. Thomas Chronicles of Narnia, dude
Chronicles of Narnia, dude Tom Ness, okay. Yeah, dude. I swear to you. This is what he looks like

(39:25):
Covered in tattoos. Yeah, he's a sick guy. He is
Wow
Oh, yeah, I'm just thinking wrong here
What are you thinking about? I was just like this is weird. He's almost like a furry. I

(39:47):
Know what his body is fucking furriness. That's crazy. He is and then he's a fool. This is a straight-up furry right? Yeah
Does this does this do it for you? No, I don't know. Would you prefer if the hats were the other way around?
The hats were the other way around. Is his ass not hot enough?
Fur top or fur bottom?
I'm not a furry guy. I just I just be like yeah, if y'all want to go do it go do it man

(40:11):
But you're an advocate furry right? Well, I mean I wouldn't do nothing. I would just be like yeah there you go
But it's my like you want to go up on this this place and be like advocate for the phrase
I got nothing to say just do what they just do it like Nike. That's all I could say
But I don't know nothing else about it
I know I heard they do parties and do crazy shit. You heard they do
Yeah, I've never heard anything about anything. Do they meet up at like the local park dog park?

(40:35):
That's a good question. We got the dog bar
what used to be a
dear
interstellar wolf wolf out right outside a
There's a dog bar. Yeah, it's the I think it's a rocket city dog bar
It used to be
One of the places we would have a Tuesday over Mike
Hmm at the dog bar. It wasn't the dog bar at the time. I remember what it's called back then

(41:00):
Oh, I'm sorry
But there's nobody that goes that everybody who attends the dog bar and brings their dog is absolutely insufferable
And you know it did those are not people that you want to hang around man. Mm-hmm
He's like I've been
You don't know man, I don't have a dog the dog bar without a dog
He's like going to a kid's soccer game and your kid isn't playing I got a little leash like hey guys

(41:26):
My cat identifies this dog. What about it? I don't know you bring your cats
Just run over everything put fucking hair in the goddamn cups and shit. Yeah, yeah
I'm like a tough up a hair. Don't listen. What if you get all the like a hairless cat?

(41:53):
I'll get just about any kid. I tried to I would have stolen some of the cats from Africa, but like
one of the sphinx cats like a lion now
No, just like just a cat that like lived on the camp Ian exotic
Like a French dark red is then
Yeah, no that didn't work out

(42:16):
He said like he smoked a fucking two packs a day
You could be in exotic but when those autistic dudes with all the fish that they breed and they have like a
$15,000 fish and like that little fish briefcase
They like trade them
Like high level autism. I love watching these videos on Instagram of this guy who makes these really like advanced terrariums

(42:42):
Yeah, you know what I'm talking like the self-sufficient ones. I know what a terrarium is
I don't know what you're talking about. But I was here. All right
You talking about like land like terrains or something like what? Yeah, you took my flight spotters and shit. Yeah
Lizards and bugs and shit like put all the right amount of stuff in there so it survives on its own
Yeah, it would like survive for like a long-ass time just running on itself

(43:05):
That's cool. He makes different ones and then he makes YouTube videos and some of them are kind of fucked up
He's playing like a war simulator, but in real life for the animals
He's like I released 50 spiders into this terrarium to see what would happen or like I released one
Carnivorous lizard into this big a story and to see how we could fuck shit up. Did he? Oh dude, he goes crazy

(43:27):
I would love for that guy to collab with the guy that shoots the squirrels. Oh
I've seen that not I think about it with the ant fight attacking each other shoots the squirrels
Oh, that's like a high-powered air rifle explosive pellets and the chipmunks like their whole body explodes

(43:48):
You should do a squid games
Squirrels they would all die this squirrel
He would shoot him regardless. He's like if everybody touches the pit everybody ignores the peanut then the games will stop
He gets off to that probably my buddy's stepdad has a
He's a little 22 pistol that he got a silencer for and he just uses so that they live in Huntsville

(44:13):
So you're not supposed to but he's just out doping every squirrel he sees Wow
I think we need this guy on the podcast and we need to make a collab video
Bigger see he's a big day. He's about built like fucking Ron Perlman if he was a 60 something old, dude
That's that messy
That's impressive

(44:40):
Hey, I
Show I showed my co-worker that video of the squirrels
I was just showing everybody there and then one of my goal was like, yeah, man. I really like to see death. I was like
Lame
But you work in the shitholes
Come on, man

(45:00):
Look, there's like how do you not find it entertaining to see is like an animal's eyes pop out of their head at the same time?
Looney Tunes their fucking eyes
Pop out. Yeah, I think the way they fall they're like still holding on to something. Oh, yeah
They like see you know, I clean and then they he's just like, oh he's still holding on and suits me

(45:24):
The when he killed this that one he shot in night
He shot it. It's like dead
Three important
Yeah, I mean when I first showed them I thought that they were gonna think I was crazy but apparently no
I started a whole new thing
Squirrels not like cats or something

(45:45):
What's the biggest animal that they can go to before it's not it's cool he hits gunk and he hit raccoon
Yeah, so I think people are upset about raccoons because they're cute. Yeah, they're little hands. They are
Yeah, if he shoots a stray cat there's gonna be problems. Oh, yeah, you can't shoot cats or dogs

(46:07):
No, you can't
Don't know about that
But I know people that are shot dogs like you just can't post it online
Shooting dogs do yeah, that's not good for what? Yeah, just be a good American and poor
Freeze over the sense they like it. It smells sweet. They go drink it and they die

(46:29):
Wow don't
Anything that happens it wasn't me. They're just so mad
Because it sounds incriminating about yeah, thanks to JJ. We're JJ might have done or do
We can just
Look, I just put it over there. I didn't make him drink it. Yeah, that's true

(46:49):
That's fucked up at least like you can lead a dog to any free
Have some like fruit ferment or so shit, then just put it outside
So at least like a like a drunk squirrel like at least it gets to go out having a good time
Wow, you guys cuz shouldn't kill dogs. Yeah, I don't really care about
I think you don't be able to kill any
Wouldn't kill it. Yeah, you want to kill an animal?

(47:12):
Man, I mean if I had to you go hunting for deer you won't kill a deer. No, not for fun because why you eat?
No, because fun we know about Brandon some of the best you're because he thinks the deer are sexy because he kept
Admitted that he was calling the furries. Yeah, I must got my ass with by deer
So you say you're eating this animal just like you you just ate sausage and chicken out there. Yeah, it's already cooked

(47:38):
Oh, yeah, but you still I mean has it had to die. I know but I'm like if I'm down
I mean, I mean if I have to kill it if I have to kill I'm gonna eat I'm hungry everything
But everything's gonna die. Yeah, I know I know you gotta eat it. Yeah. Yeah, I know if it's there
I'm gonna overpopulation like you don't want to get you or somebody in your family get hit by deer and then mess up their

(48:00):
Whole car. I was shoot that deer up. That's what you got to do it before it gets to that point
That's why they have hunting season so you can knock the population down plus you get meat you can you can chop up a deer
Have it in the freezer
You know sad news though that you remember that deer that almost what my ass and stared me down. Mm-hmm. He died
I was driving. I saw him in the ditch. How do you know?

(48:24):
Well, because it was the same
I know he's fine. Anyway, I like how you're like the deal was gonna beat me up and I was like, oh it's so hot
It just robot that's bucked up
See what these horns could do now man, no, but uh, yeah, he's dead the deer was horny you were on

(48:46):
Sadly, I saw him in the ditch man. He was right in that same area. I was like, okay
That's a man. Let's say let's say let's say a purple. I'm going all right
Who's doing it me? Yeah, of course
All right, dear
You said that you went out that way man
You are came in this world flying look like you gonna make me go flying
But in reality you ended up going flying and now you're dead

(49:07):
You are now made your wife a widow
You're two kids who knows how they're gonna turn out cuz now they don't have a father and what is she gonna tell him?
What's she gonna tell him?
Like he went on some little mission or something and they looked at the birth certificate realized that he actually legally doesn't have a father
That's fucked up shit
But you know, he has to keep on moving on and try to do what he can now
He's in school and he's trying to he's trying to be a comedian and also like fight fire the stuff

(49:31):
He could do it and that's all I'm gonna say. So uh, there we go. Amen
Fly high
That was oddly specific that's just I don't know it's just scenario man
I

(49:52):
Love something that's not a deep dive you did on a future guess is like so yeah
Yeah, listen let's change it so we're both bets right? Yeah, you bring us up yeah
We got a taste the entree, but you gotta look you look I'm hungry I'm ready to eat

(50:16):
Yeah, just grab one out of the bag for you know, which one I chose
I do not know which one you know potatoes. Oh, well, this chili chicken chunks white cooked
Give it to JJ
Yeah, you know menu five
It's a learning meal ready to
Warfighter recommended warfighter tested warfighter approved back and we get that

(50:41):
Chili Mac, baby flawless rash. Oh flameless. What's that? Can I?
Oh, dude, I can't do a table
You want this one Britain no, no, I want to see the other one he has I feel like this you got really excited
I'm one hash brown potatoes. Oh look at that
Oh, I'm excited dude, I'm always one to eat in our can we open these for real? Yeah, you can have dude

(51:06):
I'm so excited
Damn, you know, did you watch those videos of that dude that you've arranged it one from like World War two in like 1911?
Pillable seal
Damn there's a lot of stuff in here man. Yeah, dude, it's supposed to they say it's supposed to last you a whole day

(51:30):
Oh, what the fuck raisins?
I
Got an applesauce cake
Look what I got the skittles
Sour skittles man. Oh

(51:51):
Damn, we get good raisins. Yeah, did you kind of got a shit what I'm sorry, dude what?
Carbohydrate
Beast snack, dude, this is the fucking best man. This is crazy

(52:17):
First strike
This is good first right whiners cheese spread anybody got jalapeno cheese spread
Cracker that industrial brown spoon. Yeah. Yeah orange juice flavored. No fruit juices Kool-aid

(52:38):
Festival tacos. Oh, we got cheese spread with jalapenos
Who won jalapeno cashews you want to show you want to tell people what this feels like? Oh, you got the reasons you want to
Why is this one bar of sour?
Is this how they all come? No, I don't know how old these are. I got these before this one
Just had is on its cycle right now

(53:01):
oatmeal chocolate chunk cookie, that's pretty good double chunk
Sorry your aunt died
Yeah, you know what it is
No, why am I doing?
It's not a last name
See blood Brandon hurt itself open. Sorry. I bit myself a little bit. Are you all right me? No, man. I'm good. We got tortillas

(53:30):
When you're in there you trace again you
Yeah, probably you probably got something
Let me get the Reese's man. Do you trade? No, bro. We trade it. You already said you want to wait again
No, I'll trade you this. Oh, dude, please. Yeah, I go to the Twizzlers
I didn't get anything good. I like to wait. You rate mine. All right. What do you want dude? I want

(53:54):
One of the Reese's no man, it's that right there cheese jalapeno
Yeah, you can have that
Jalapeno give me that I get some I want to try some of the army stuff man
Yeah, you can have my cheese spread should I eat this first strike bar? Yeah, yeah, it's good
I feel like this is a this is not

(54:14):
the first strike bars
Who wants the rice and beans? It does not look good
Good. Oh, that's good. Yeah, you got taste all you got taste your whole deal
There's a little heater in there that says like fill it with some water and then put it against a rock or something
Yeah, but uh, it's still we don't have time. Yeah
Not gonna heat that shit up the way you want. No, I get it get it get a good hot enough though

(54:38):
Yeah to where it ain't this is good. I don't like eating the code
Christmas village
Okay beef snack it tastes like tree bark, but you know
What is this? Is this beef jerky cranapple ranger bar? Oh, that's a good one. That's a good one. I forgot how bad this was

(54:59):
Yeah, it's not good
the French MREs had a bunch of like
Cran and meat like a lot of meat shit
There was no wine in there. That was kind of disappointing. This is actually good. Well, without this is a cranapple ranger bar
Yeah, that smells like that tastes like nothing dude
taste the burger taste the new dragon

(55:19):
Oh I still eat it people get over there
Thank you
Alright, which one did you bite off of it or rip it? I ripped it. I realized I'm just fucking sucking down applesauce
I realized I'm just fucking sucking down applesauce
Like a fucking idiot
You know, that's kind of your people's thing man
You getting into your main dish yet?
Are you we still doing snacks?
Is there gonna be liquid in this chicken chunks thing dude?
That's good

(55:41):
I'm gonna go get some
I'm gonna go get some
How do you heat it up?
How do you heat it up?
You take this right here. I say you take the green bag. Wait, where'd you I didn't have a green bag
Yeah, you do. Everybody has one. It's in there. It has instructions that says you tear it off
You gotta put a nigga rock and stuff. There's no green bag in there? I don't think I got a green bag, bro

(56:05):
Yeah, you have one. I don't got no water though
So you take it and you put water in here
Brandon, can you get out of there easy? Yeah, can you grab us some water? Show them how it works
So you put so you don't over you got to fill it to right here and then the chemical reaction is gonna happen
This is good for you the chemicals and then heats it up and you put it in there like you'll put it in put this in there after that

(56:32):
I've never seen a fucking diagram that looks like it says rock or something
Well, yeah, that's exactly what you need
That's so vague dude rock or something there's a place like did you go to NTC?
Oh, yeah. No like you're out of like near Death Valley and
There's plenty of rocks. So you just open up a bag and then put it there against a rock or something

(56:56):
You guys want some Reese's PCs man? Hell yeah, I get that taste that fucking be jerky in them though
Oh shit! It's crazy that you can buy these
So look
Hey JJ, what? I'm excited
So you just take water
And you fill it up just a little bit

(57:17):
So I overfill mine. That's so it's just a tad bit
Here you go
So you just fill it up to that top line or that bottom line? This one that says don't overfill
And then you'll start feeling something happen. The one on the top of the bottom though. The bottom bottom

(57:38):
Put it in there and it's gonna heat up
And you put the you put the whole thing in there? Oh, no
You okay man?
I'm just gonna put it in there
You put the whole thing in there? Oh, no you okay man?
Shit I thought it started burning on you or something. I like the chemicals
I cut my fuck. I'm talking shit about you Brandon. I cut the shit out of my thumb

(58:01):
Man we both got hurt but it's worth it. This is good shit
Is it good? I'm finna try my rib. I'm just getting the barbecue sauce
You gotta get the water. You gotta get the water
Oh I gotta heat it. Yes I did man
You don't need to heat that. Yeah
Shit this is good. Look at this. Look at that. Yeah barbecue rib. Oh I think I overfilled it
You're fine. Look at how it rises man
It rises up like me on a good day. And then just put this whole thing in there?

(58:22):
Yeah put that in there, fold it and then uh
Where the barbecue? Hell yeah dude. I need the barbecue sauce. Ready for the battle of Beijing dude?
Yeah let's see that Beijing battle. Not this. Hook it up
Ooo
Man. I'm ready to see some. You got gum in here and you check your packet too?
Oh that's good. You got all kind of giblets in there dude
What we got? We got uh matches

(58:45):
Dang dude. See how this is. Oh I love this.
You can get hot sauce or like instant coffee. Yeah instant coffee right there
So you just fold it like this and lean it up against a rock or something?
No just put it on the side of your chair. It's not bad. Not bad right?
Not bad at all. Kind of tastes like a McRib. It actually does yeah
Moist towelette. McDonald's what's going on?
Hell yeah. Sugar. And cream

(59:07):
What's all this stuff in here man? Yeah that's your packet
Oh I got lemonade. Oh I'm excited. You got lemonade. And I got a water right there dude
I'm about to drink some of this. I like how Ian's not fucking around
No not at all. He ate that. He ate that. What is that?
What is this right here? It says lighthouse. Vegetarian taco style pasta
Oh vegetarian ones are surprisingly good. What's that?

(59:31):
It says lighthouse and then when I open it. That's just a tissue. Oh shit it's just
I thought this was like a marshmallow. I was like I was so excited
Let's try this apple sauce. Ooo a beverage packet?
Base raspberry. Can I see that water? I want to
I want to pour this in some water and say it. Hell yeah Brandon
This is

(59:57):
This was actually all a recruiting pitch from the Alabama Army National Guard
If y'all want these for free. One week in a month. Two weeks out of the summer
Not bad. That's not bad. What is that? This is apple sauce cake
TFF I don't know that name. That sounds terrible. Not bad actually
Let me try this. Ooo I'm excited for this Ras

(01:00:19):
Raspberry beret
So last time I was at ATC. Oh it is good. I would
I would take my the trash bag of
From the MRE and I would take that and put that in my helmet

(01:00:40):
And that would be my pillow while I'm sleeping on the hood of a Humvee
What?
I would take this bag and fill it with all my trash
And then I would put that in my Kevlar, my ACH, my Army helmet
And I was out with
I was supposed to be the sidekicks for one of the SF teams

(01:01:04):
And I was roleplaying as like
The local Army and I would just sleep on top
On top of a Humvee and I'd use
I'd have my sleeping bag and then Kevlar with an empty MRE
Put a bunch of trash in it as a pillow. It makes a better pillow than it does a meal

(01:01:25):
Cranberry Ginger Bar. What is this? Cranberry
Cran Apple Ranger Bar. Is your shit heated up?
No I just felt it. It didn't heat up? It's cold.
Because you're a rookie Doug. Feel that?
Feel the bottom of it? That's how it should feel
Damn. This is good. Is it good?

(01:01:49):
Very. You feel that heat
Oh yeah that's hot. That's hot as fuck. So it gets real hot
It will get, like you gotta lay it down and get it just right if you want the full thing
Yeah mine's not warm at all. Mine's cold as fuck
Sometimes it just don't work. Again I don't know, these are at least
a year old. I once got these like before MOVE when I was in Aniston

(01:02:13):
Not bad. That's all they do. Eating them from 1943 and stuff
Yeah. I mean that's what they're meant for. Now it looks like I peed myself
I'd say that's Santa Fe Rice. They have an insane shelf life
Like what is that? Like fifteen?
I mean this one had to be old because the
Skittles were like a bar. They turned into a bar of candy

(01:02:37):
We had like a... If any of you guys want some raisins
Nah take a look. It's just raisins dude. Yeah dude but they're
I don't even like regular right? Taste it
Didn't it look like Pat?
Yeah like, he does look like a raisin from 1990
Exactly. You remember those raisins that would be singing? California raisins

(01:03:01):
That's how they sound
You're fucking that up dude. Try this rice
Yeah dude this is dinner. Oh wait, this is second dinner
Damn this is what you guys have to eat every day?
No, not every day. No, not if they don't have hot meals
But what you do, what you do, what most people do

(01:03:25):
You get all the ones that you know what is in. So you know like
Yours I would get because I wanted the Reese's and then I would get the rib because I like
The rib, whatever and then you just mix those up and eat
Them like that. There was one time when I was in Baghdad
One of my kids
From Vegas, it was her birthday

(01:03:49):
So me and another dude went down to the basement where we had like a whole hallway
Of MREs against the wall and we looked for one when we knew those like a lemon
The pound cake or something. Opened that bag, grabbed it
Got some paper clips and we like made her a little, it was like this shitty deployment birthday cake
That's good stuff
You need something. You need something to keep you going over there

(01:04:13):
This is kind of fire dude. What's that?
You ripping and pissing that off?
You pass out your brand new. This white flour corn syrup
That's what I need. Hold up
How the fuck do they give you this and raisins?
You can put the, see what you should put is the

(01:04:37):
Jalapeno though. Cheese or jelly
Brandon I got some buffalo sauce if you want it. Nah that's good man
I don't want to mess this up. I got chunky peanut butter if anyone wants it.
You got peanut butter? Yeah it's chunky peanut butter. You know I got peanut butter too
Fuck you Brandon
This is how it starts. What's your favorite thing out of there so far?

(01:05:01):
The tortilla. I'd say the rice and that drink
You like the rice and the mix? But hold on, the crackers might change everything
Oh and we will
Wow these are actually very good. I cannot believe you like the crackers dude
The peanut butter tortilla is pretty fire dude
This is good as hell. Are you guys fucking with me?

(01:05:25):
Wait Brandon don't you have strawberry jam over there? Dude what you want that?
Dude yes please I can make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Hold on man
Make some peanut butter. Hold on it's lost in the void
Let me find it. Please Brandon. JJ I know the
Like UAH Army National Guard recruiter. He emails me trying to recruit me
If you want these we can set you up

(01:05:49):
Are you getting paid for this? Peanut butter cheese
Are you a recruiter? Fuck no dude. Did you find the jam?
I think you gave it to me. Oh yeah I gave it away
Dude I got wheat bread over here
Let me try that bread. Now the wheat bread is rough
But you like the crackers so you might like the bread. Let me see

(01:06:13):
Let me try that bread
Chili Mac baby. See that? Y'all see that?
This is phenomenal dude. The bread is nice and sweet
When they give you red pepper to put in the stuff
Spice it up. I got some hot sauce. Where's the peanut butter at?
It's not like real hot sauce. They call it salsa but

(01:06:37):
Picante? Do you want some bread?
Chili lime flavored salsa. I don't like the way this jam is coming out
In one piece. It's all super processed
That's the way it stays good for long
Not bad. It looks a lot worse
Than it tastes. Okay let's rip this open a little bit. Some of the stuff is not bad

(01:07:01):
The bread is nice and sweet. A first strike bar is always good
See I'm not a big first strike guy
The jelly just fell out in one piece
On my sandwich bro
See this just proves no matter where I am in the world I'll find a way to make a peanut butter
And jelly sandwich dude

(01:07:25):
I'd say you guys give it a
Glowing review for your first MRE. I think you were looking
Bleak at first dude. This really brought it back
The tortilla and the jelly and peanut
You would kill in the field because I would trade that away every time
This would be all I want. I would give everybody else everything

(01:07:49):
Besides this and the candy. Oh man. If you eat these for
Two weeks straight when you're at a long field exercise
It will clog you up. Oh yeah you can't shit. If you're
On an MRE diet you're not shitting. How much does
One of these cost? It's like 8 bucks. That's kind of
A lot of money. You can go order a box of them for a slightly better price

(01:08:13):
And you can have them in your get away room
When the police find you
Or you know the world ends
People have bunkers. I love that shit. Looking up fucking
Expensive ass bunkers. How would you set yours up?
If you had a bunker you gotta remember the world is going to end

(01:08:37):
There within 30 minutes. How many people
Is it facilitating? Who are you taking? Are you thinking about
The future? No. Are you thinking about mating? No dude
Because you don't want to be down there with a bunch of hard legs
What is a hard leg? Dudes. Stubborn
What were you about to say? I thought you were just going to say

(01:09:01):
Stubborn people. People are just looking like damn
Bitches that won't give it up
Brandon is like the petting zoo is going to be right there

(01:09:29):
Ginger said don't go into the apocalypse single
The last thing I want my bunker
Is a mouthy bra. Ain't that right Brandon?
The only thing worse
Than Hinge is dating after the fucking government collapses. Alright
No for real dude. Do you know how bad, I mean that's not

(01:09:53):
As a dude your mind is still going to be there in the post apocalyptic world
I'm still getting pussy suited ass to happen. Without a doubt
When your primal instincts come in you got to mate for the future
You'll probably be shredded too since you can't eat anything
And anything you eat you got to work for so you have the muscles on you
And all the white people are just so pale

(01:10:17):
We've invited the dean to push and seek because we just don't have
Anything and we haven't seen the sun yet. I'd be in the bunker with my wife fighting off
Like radioactive centipedes you know
Cause they're going to get in
They will get in that bitch. And what the fuck you going to do when they come in
It's going to be like that game that they used to play in the 80s called Galactica I think or whatever

(01:10:41):
What they call it Galactica? Galaga? Yeah you remember that
Big centipede with the balls and shit. Dude that's in space
Then what's the thing with the big centipede? Centipede?
Yeah there was like a game with them. Yeah I think it's called centipede dude. Oh the centipede yeah
Just like centipede. Why do you say
They're going to get in? Well because it's like I feel like over time because you know

(01:11:05):
Once you're in this bunker not like a fallout what if let's say that something
Happens to the bunker where the bunker ages and has a little
Malfunction and there's like a little hole that it gets through after because the bomb comes down
And boom of course the bomb didn't kill you. One day it cracked a little bit. It cracked
The foundation a little bit. Yes it cracked the foundation and then you know you get friends in there
That you don't want which is called centipedes and then sometimes you'll get like a

(01:11:29):
I guess because like radiation if you get I don't know
Atomade ain't super people but if you get something like that you have people looking like alien
Versus predator in that bitch. So you're saying a centipede is going to mutate
Oh yeah. And then become a you know
A foe of yours and you have to fight them. I don't know why you
And that's when you have to figure it out. It's going to happen. Well hopefully

(01:11:53):
We're dead by then and old and gray and I'm 150 like I want to be
Brandon if you know 150
My thing is like the older we get you realize
Like in 1930 that the normal age is probably like what?
My grandpa is 97. I don't want to be anywhere near that old
I mean if I'm crippled and can't walk or talk and I can't move

(01:12:17):
If you can't beat your meat. Yeah man. That's it right there
That's when it's over. That's when you got to hang in the town. You're like I can't
Even he's not even looking at me. No, he's not even riding up anymore. What the
Fuck he's gone. Well, it's like a fucking centipede down there
That won't go up. If you want to leave life early once again
The Alabama Army National Guard. Oh wow now I'm good

(01:12:41):
I swear I'm not a recruiter but I will help you plug it. I like living
I would love having Brandon as a soldier that would have been
The best. I wouldn't even make you do things. I would only make you do things because I would have to have you
Around me. You know what I mean? He would just be like every time I'm doing something he would come
Brandon hold my stuff. No I get you out of the shit
Because you're with me. You know what I'm saying? I'm not sweeping. Hell no

(01:13:05):
I make him sweep. Respect. The whites
That's good. Hey man now. We had a dude when I was in
Iraq he uh, things white. He was this white guy from
I don't know where the fuck he was from. I know he ended up
At Campbell because it went active. Named Sefton
He was this white dude built like a fucking

(01:13:29):
Like silverback gorilla. He didn't have like some autism
He was the entire spectrum. But he was one of those supply guys that he's like you know those
Big air force pallets. He's like one arm in it. Just fling the shit
Right at him. The shit is fucking crazy. It's bigger than
It's way bigger than that mattress and it's metal. Yeah. You can't hold on
You can't one arm that. He's like picking it up and then he's just like flinging it around

(01:13:53):
He almost hit one of my dudes with it one day and we had to like tell him I got
Hey calm down. Remember it's Sefton
He's the R word
We all know what that is. Say it together on three everybody. One
Two three. Replay. Replay
I'm there. Yeah

(01:14:17):
He was a good dude but he definitely like you can count him into anything. I remember I
Saw him when I was heading back from magdad to
To Erefjan in Kuwait. I saw him at like one of the Iraqi airfields
Like Sefton what the fuck are you doing? He's like oh Muthin sent me out here. I was like
I don't fucking know. Did it just go with the flow? Yeah
Alright Ian. You see you just put the ghostly mahamana lead back

(01:14:41):
Thank you for bringing the MREs coming over
Chilling. Hell yeah. Anything that you got to say anything
Any shows, any dates, anything you want to promote. I'm saying to this camera
One of these over here. We got, me and you both got
Comics against humanity at Atomic Geometry. Shout out Jonah
Hell yeah. In Gadsden next month and

(01:15:05):
As of right now that's really it. Yeah
Thanks for having me. What's your Instagram?
Ian from Fat Camp. You can find me
Anywhere as Ian from Fat Camp. Alright man
Appreciate it man. Thank you. Hell yeah man.

(01:15:51):
I hate Scrappy Doo

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MRE (Military Reparations Experience) | #ClownCollegeComedyPodcast | Ep 65 W/ Ian Miller

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}MRE (Military Reparations Experience) | #ClownCollegeComedyPodcast | Ep 65 W/ Ian Miller