The Best of Clown College Comedy Clips Show | #ClownCollegeComedyPodcast | Ep 61 W/ The Gang - Clown College Comedy

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
This week on Clown College.

(00:07):
Hold on, you said in the shape of a football.
Yeah, OK, so it's a football where you put that's that has to be the craziest
open mic I've been to thus far.
It was the craziest two minute span of.
Oh my God. It was great.
I don't want to. The next Black Panther will be Brandon Willis.
Oh, let's go, Brandon.

(00:28):
Let's go, Brandon.
Let's go, Brandon.
Let's go, Brandon.
Hey, all you, raise your hand if you have no idea about the Clown College podcast.
Get out with the kid. I didn't know shit.
Were you confused that your com wasn't black?
Dude, dude.
Listen, I'm at a community, it's Clown Community College, bro.

(00:50):
And we want y'all there. We want to see what it takes to get you on the podcast, man.
I'm gonna shoot you my manager number.
I thought he was like one of the nicest people until you did that, man.
Because he was like so kind.
He murdered a guy.
And then I was like, I'm going to think about this a little bit.
I can't say I wouldn't say his name.
Is he a Sylvia or not?

(01:11):
No, he was a he had blonde hair.
He always he supported it though.
He had blonde hair.
And he looked like Johnny Carson a little bit as he was young.
You know what? Johnny Carson?
I'm not going to lie. This whole time I thought that I was going to be probably the top two.
Now I'm the damn last one.
Damn, I didn't know they were going to get that high.

(01:34):
That was high.
You're that smart? What the fuck is going on here?
I could deal with having a gay child, maybe even a trans child.
I just can't have a stupid kid.

(02:12):
Hey guys, welcome to the podcast.
You may know me as Alex Z, editor of Clown College Comedy.

(02:36):
Now this week, Dom Carr is sick with the Jakubian Flu.
But it's the first episode of a new year.
So we thought what a better way to start the year than with a clip show featuring the greatest moments from the past.
So without further ado, the first clip we'd like to present is Brandon's infamous football pocket pussy origin story.

(02:59):
Let's take a look, shall we?
Y'all ever seen those football things they used to have?
What the hell is he about to do?
We went into Spencer's, my friend, and we saw a football pocket pussy for the first time.
What? For the first time?

(03:20):
And I was like, hold up, man, I want to try this shit out.
And he was like, me too, man.
So we went out and I was like, somebody's going to have to pay for this shit.
So he went in there, he was buying it, talking to the dude.
He's like, so you buy these? And the dude was like, yep.
And he was like, all right, thank you.
And we went in there, tried it and he threw it out.
Wait, hold up, hold up, wait, wait.
This man turned to French.

(03:41):
Let me rephrase it.
He went home and then we tried it.
Of course I tried it. He was like, man, that shit sucked.
You can't say of course I did.
Brandon, Brandon, Brandon, was there disinfectant involved?
No, we bought separate ones.
Oh.
Separate ones, okay.
There you go.
Not the same shit.
He thought he took it home and then mailed it to you.

(04:05):
No, they separate.
Okay.
Separate.
He was like, you threw yours out?
I was like, yeah.
I thought your tag team was the football.
He said that he threw his out and then you said yeah too, but you were lying?
Yeah, I had it like, I had it hidden for like five months.
I was like, this shit got to work.
And I was like, you know this shit sucks.
You know he was also lying, right?
Yeah, he probably was.

(04:26):
He was.
He was.
And y'all met him.
Which what?
You know who it is.
Yeah?
Think about it.
You know the one that sound black.
Yeah.
Hold on, hold on.
You went out there when he had his friend on his face time?
Nah, nah, nah.
I wasn't there for the friend.
But hold on.
You said in the shape of a football.
Yeah, I don't get that.
Okay, so it's a football where you put your dick home.

(04:47):
But what you do is you twist the top open and it's like in disguise.
So it's like you can play football with it or you can just take it.
So you can play with it or you can play with it.
Well, Brandon, we know you can't fucking catch.
I can't catch.
So I gotta play for the other way.
So we know it's not a football, man.
Wait, so you take the top off of the football and you put your dick inside like a clamshell.
Sometimes it's too much.

(05:08):
You know, Brandon, it's entirely possible that you just bought a football.
No, there was like some girl, there was a girl on the front of it showing.
Fucking shit, I didn't dare fall.
Okay, Brandon, show us what you did.
So what I did was when I bought it, I did this, I twisted it.
And when I twisted it, the squishy thing right there with that is there.

(05:29):
And surprisingly, if you flipped it over, you could flip it to another end.
Never use that end.
You don't go in the back door?
How do you clean it out?
Well, you take the whole thing out.
You can pull it all out clean and put it back in.
Okay, please tell me.
So your form with this, are you grabbing it by the laces?
By the laces?

(05:50):
You're double-handing it.
Because you were younger.
Yeah, I was like 14.
So you're double-handing the fucking football masturbation device?
Whatever we could do because it was uncomfortable.
That's why I threw it out.
Yeah, you're fucking a football.
You're fucking the inside.
It sucked, man.
I got scared for a minute.
I was like, wait a minute, this shit ain't coming off.
I got stuck for a minute.

(06:11):
What? What got stuck?
Dude, I was using it, I couldn't take it off.
I was like, hold up.
Then I started freaking out and then I had to really do.
That was the last time I ever used it.
I was like, that's it.
You got stuck?
I got a ball right out.
You have a football on your dick right now.
I had to throw it out after that.
Right there, I was like, that's it.
That's when you got to hang up the damn ball.
Retire the jersey, dude.

(06:32):
Put it in the rafters.
That was the last shot.
That was the retirement game.
Now, Pleasure didn't have nothing like that.
We had no fuckable football.
Boy, that sure was exciting, wasn't it?
I don't know.
I had a good time.
Now, the Huntsville comedy scene is not without its fair share of chaos

(06:53):
that goes on at its comedy open mics.
As demonstrated in these next couple clips,
where Charlie and Charlie describe an infamous scenario
that went down at a now extinct open mic.
Let's see.
That's my alter ego, Rick, man.
So whenever you see me with that wig, just know it's not me.
It's Rick.

(07:15):
I love how you go so distraught over saying nigga.
I know.
I can't say that.
Dedicated to the character.
I was too much into character, man.
I was so deep.
I was like, man, then that nigga.
I was like, ooh, Brandon, no.
I got black friends.
And I was like, what the fuck am I talking about?
Nah, I'm good.
Kind of like another white guy dropping the end ball.
Oh, yes, dude.

(07:36):
That has to be the craziest open mic I've been to thus far.
It was the craziest two minute span of any open mic ever.
Oh my god.
It was great.
I don't want to ruin it because it's who you have on later.
But he said something about it.
He was like, somebody saying the N-word in the crowd was like,
Haley's comment.
I knew it was going to happen at some point.

(07:57):
And then he finally saw it that night.
No, that was great.
Yeah, I was so nervous to go up that night.
But luckily, because the more we do it, the more we learn.
The room matters so much.
And I swear I would have bombed except for all that happened.
I was like, good, now I got some shit.
I was like, now I have something to talk about.

(08:19):
Finally, somebody did it.
Tell them what happened.
Well, a guy who's done stand up a couple times.
I think two, maybe three.
Only ever does it at that open mic.
He went up there.
Or he wasn't even on the stage.
No.
Our guest for today, Syfy.
Syfy.
Syfy got jokes to give him his full name.
He was on the stage performing.

(08:40):
It was towards the end of his set.
He is a black man.
He said a joke that involved the N-word.
I'll say that part.
He said, look at this nigga in the cowboy hat.
What Dom said.
So he said, look at this nigga in the cowboy hat.
And what did the...
This other white guy.
You can't say that part either.
This other white guy.
And the crowd was like, it was his friend.
He said, oh, yeah, look at this nigga in the cowboy hat.

(09:02):
And everybody just was like, what the fuck?
I saw it.
And then I started looking around.
Because I need to gauge how to react based off other people.
Because I can't be the first to react.
You know what's crazy is I was in the bathroom when that happened.
I didn't hear it happen at all.
I walked out and the whole room was different.
I was just like...
I knew something had happened.
So I walked out.

(09:23):
I don't know who I asked.
It might have been you, Dom.
But I was like, what just happened?
And you were like, oh, this dude just said something.
We were right next to each other because what happened next?
Oh, yes.
Oh, my God, dude.
Another newer comic.
I think it's the second time.
I saw him go his first time.
I was like, that was a pretty good first time.
Shout out Charles.
Yeah, Charles Hood was his name.

(09:44):
I was like, damn, that's pretty...
That's Charlie Swisher, Charles Hood?
We're occupying the same territory.
We need to get this guy out of here.
He doesn't look like a Charles Hood either.
Skinny, skinny white guy with big glasses.
Yeah.
Like...
You almost just described Charlie.
You actually...
Oh, except glasses, you completely described me.
He's definitely got a Beatles look going.

(10:05):
Yeah, Paul McCartney.
But he goes...
No, John Lennon.
Oh, John Lennon.
John Lennon.
Yeah, definitely more Lennon.
But he goes up to the stage.
Again, it's the second time going up.
Alex has kind of addressed the...
Who's the host has kind of addressed...
He got a little mad.
He got a little mad.
He was muted.

(10:26):
That's not the end of that either.
We'll come back to that, I guess.
But this guy, this new guy, goes up first step, catches the edge of the stage, falls
flat on his face.
The most perfect fall...
I thought he was doing it on purpose.
It was such a...
I didn't know if it was part of the bit.
No, it was...
I've never...
It was such a movie fall.

(10:46):
He fell, what, maybe four feet?
It wasn't that far at all.
He just fell from standing up to the ground.
But it looked like he hit terminal velocity and just plummeted and fucking like Felix
Baumgartner from the stratosphere slammed into the stage.
He didn't put his hands out.
He went face first.
He did not defend himself.
He ate the fucking floor.

(11:07):
He just absorbed with face and body.
And then didn't mention it at all.
Immediately just got on the mic and started talking about bees.
Y'all like honey bees?
Oh my gosh, I remember him.
And when I almost fell too, I gave him that curse.
You do that.
You stop being...

(11:27):
It's a real effect.
Now I know if something like that happens, you have to address it.
He beasted it.
What do you mean?
He beasted it.
He stayed in the pocket.
He stayed in the pocket.
But I feel like you have to mention if something like that...
You have to be like...
You have to let us know what just happened.
Because I grabbed Charlie.
I couldn't stop laughing.

(11:48):
I was blind.
There's no way this just happened.
I was standing next to me and I looked at him and I was like, dude, what the fuck is
going on?
He's like, I don't know.
There was just a tornado of energy in the dark.
And Alex was still on the stage and Alex was standing there just looking down at him.
He straight up publicly shamed him, pointed down at him and was like, hehehehehe.

(12:08):
It was crazy, dude.
I feel like Alex can hit that bully sidekick laugh too.
That laugh is iconic.
Once it speeds up, you in for it.
You have a good one.
That was a great fucking night, dude.
Yeah, that was wild.
And then that guy though...
I don't know if he's going to come back or not.

(12:28):
He said his parting words to me and Jalen were that he was not coming back, but we'll
see what happens.
Good.
Because you guys were over there talking to him for a while.
For a long time.
It was me, Jalen and Alex standing there and he comes up and I forget what he says at first,
but Alex just gets straight to it.
He's like, hey man, if you're going to do that and bring that energy in here, I don't
want it.
You don't do it.
Alex, he was heated, heated, telling this guy.

(12:52):
And the dude starts going into the whole, we can't even have a conversation about a
lot.
And Alex just gets up and leaves.
But now he's left.
Yeah, exactly.
Good for him.
I was like, yeah.
I already liked Alex, but that made me respect him in a different way other than just this
comedy shit.
But now he's just with me and Jalen who...
People think I'm laid back, but Jalen...
The most laid back.

(13:14):
So now this guy is going off, kind of raging at two dudes that just do not care.
Or just like, I'm just being like, hey man, just don't stress it dude.
I don't know why I thought the angle that would make sense to him, I was like, look,
it's Alex's show.
If he says you can't do that, you can't do that.
But he was on some moral thing about when he was repeating sci-fi.
I don't even know.

(13:35):
It doesn't even fucking matter, his reasons.
But it was just like, I was like...
They let him go up after that.
No, no, he still went up.
They let him go up.
He stood on the ten minutes of his set defending his actions.
He stood on business.
Yeah, he did stand on business because he never said, oh, my bad.
No, he never once apologized.
He was like, I was repeating.
You guys don't say it.
He started pointing out why guys...

(13:56):
I know you said it.
I think he thought I was going to be his strongest ally.
And then I was like, dude, we don't support that shit.
I told that to him too, his face.
He wouldn't even talk to me the rest of the night.
I felt like I was the only one that was pissed about it.
And I was like, am I that liberal white right now that's like, what the fuck?
And nobody else gives a shit.
I'm not going to lie.
I thought it was fucking hilarious.

(14:17):
Oh, I laughed.
Oh, yeah.
And I couldn't even get over...
Even though him saying it, like him saying that was crazy, but the fall to me was just
so...
It was a cherry on top.
You couldn't script it better than that.
If you did, you'd be like, OK, you guys are going over the top.
Like no, this dude face playing it, arms behind his back.
Boom.
Dude, the fact that none of that was on video is a crime.

(14:40):
And Jack didn't get that on video.
He got my set on video.
I was so happy he got my set too because I didn't record it.
Because I told him to record the guy and then literally he recorded before and then after.
But we didn't get that part.
Dang, man.
That sucks.
That was a gym.
Man, if we had that on camera.
And I told him, I was like, here, follow me on Instagram.

(15:01):
We're going to talk about you this week.
I just want you to know that.
He's cool though.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's always had a little bit of funny energy, but whatever.
But it was funny that when he was talking to me and Jalen, at this point, we kind of
were his only allies because we're letting him vent to us about this and we're both just
being like, chill out about it, dude.

(15:23):
And then within that conversation, he turns on us and he's like, neither of you guys have
said anything productive.
You're just too stupid to understand this.
Oh, hell no.
Sorry, God, he said that.
Dude, if he comes back tonight.
Oh, hell no.
I don't know why he would.
I didn't know he said that.
No, yeah, he did.
It was broken.
I'm putting two separate things together, but I mean, it was all in the same conversation
and he's like, y'all haven't said anything.

(15:43):
And I was like, neither of you, dude.
I mean, you're the one that just said the N word.
I don't know what's so productive that you're doing, but I don't know.
Me and Jim were just like, all right, whatever.
And that's when he finally did.
Well, actually his, I don't know if it's his girlfriend or just a lady with him, but she
eventually came and was like, hey, we have to go do that.
She saw that we were like.
You know, those are the two girls we went to, me and Jake went to Moody Mondays.

(16:05):
Oh really?
Yeah.
Yeah.
We hung out with him like the week before.
Oh, so then after all this.
Oh, that's right.
Cause they were talking about Moody's.
Now I remember that.
And then they came, he came up, he was like, Hey, you want to go to Moody's?
I'm like, no, man.
Don't come ask me to go to Moody's.
Cause this was after you guys had talked for like, wasn't that like an hour?
It was a, it was a, it couldn't have been that long.
I feel like like 20 minutes, but it felt long though.

(16:27):
Cause I kept on looking over there.
I'm like, I wonder what they're talking about.
I did kind of feel bad too, because I guess one of his friends went up for the first time.
And I just made fun of his set immediately.
Cause he was talking about how he makes women come on a dirt bike and like, I don't know
what it is, but like, I'm not, you know, uh, I do like self-deprecating shit.
So if you're going to do the opposite of that, I'm going to make fun of you.

(16:49):
And also this dude's vibe was crazy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The cowboy hat decided to sit down on the, on the stage, not even on the, not even.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I was like, yeah, I'll make bitches come on my dirt bike too.
Yeah.
Y'all are deep.
Yeah.
What's the worst slur that you ever saw?

(17:11):
Or wanted to say.
Oh, uh, well, you know how whenever like comedians like get up on stage, they riff on the previous
set.
Yeah.
And you remember the guy who enthusiastically said something, maybe he shouldn't have.

(17:32):
John the bomb.
John the bomb.
Oh yeah.
That was it.
Yeah.
So, so like whenever I fell, it kind of slipped out.
Oh, but it was off my.
I get it.
I get it dude.

(17:52):
Like we were all young once.
Yeah.
Box call make you say some slurs.
Oh dude.
I sort of Christ it with.
We got to go back now.
Now say I'm in there now.
Club enticed.
Club enticed.
It looks good.
Shout out.
Yeah.
Shout out.

(18:13):
Hell yeah.
It's got the neon and everything.
Yeah.
It's like a nice little stage.
It's like, it's legit like made over.
It's like super nice.
Yeah.
Mike said he might get a mic there or show.
He said he's going to do a show like once a month.
I'll start coming back out if we can get in there.
Yeah.
I want that karaoke room dude.
Yeah.

(18:33):
Get painted over that shit.
I really hope they get painted over that shit.
They just put all those people in blackface.
All the members of Kiss.
They were already halfway doing it.
Wow.
Can you believe I let that go down on my watch?
Now alongside the lows, we've also had many highs this year, such as Brandon Willis' recruitment

(18:55):
as Black Panther in the esteemed comedy production duo, Black Panther Hidden Dragon.
Let's see how that all went down.
How'd I break the heart?
What happened?
So how you been?
Man, I've been good, but I got fucked up.
There.
Oh shit.

(19:16):
Listen here, fucker.
What the fuck?
What the fuck you doing here?
You here for me?
I'm here for you.
Stand up.
Hold on.
Let me stand up.
Sit down.
Sit down.
Brandon, don't listen to him.
Oh wait, what the fuck?
You don't listen to him?
No, man.
This is, I come with an offering, motherfucker.
Do you believe this shit?
The hell is going on here?
Listen here, I'm coming to save the Huntsville comedy scene from mediocre white comics lately.
Oh shit.
I ain't white.
I ain't white.

(19:37):
I ain't white.
I ain't white.
I ain't white.
I ain't white.
I ain't white.
I ain't white.
I ain't white.
I ain't white.
I ain't white.
I ain't white.
I'm not mediocre.
They've done enough to sully the scene.
I have an offer for you.
You are going to help me host the What a Joke Comedy Open mic at 7.30 p.m. on Sundays and
the Fat Sammy's Comedy Open mic every 8 p.m. on Wednesdays.
Oh hell yeah.
We got too many mics going on.
We got, Clown College has Pleasure Silver Bullet mic at 7.30 on Tuesdays.
And Shag Nasty's at 9.

(20:18):
Are you going to let them gaslight you with that?
No, I'm not.
I mean, I'm going to do them all.
I'll do them all.
Before we make any rush judgments, will you guys mind if I ask you a question?
Before we make any rush judgments, will you open up the video on QuickTime?
QuickTime?
To the left.
Not that?
Yeah, that right there.
Make it full screen.
All right.
Play that.
Today is the right day.
Today is the day that we are transferring over the powers of the universe.
Oh hell yeah.

(21:00):
Oh hell yeah.
Oh hell yeah.
My head's going.
My head's going.
Oh shit.
There we go.
Hey, Don Jay.
Oh shit.
Did I miss the audition?

(21:21):
Don Jay.
How you doing, man?
Oh my God.
Oh, sorry.
I look kind of cute.

(21:51):
What's up, Don Jay?
Did you know today is Brandon's birthday?
Oh my God.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.

(22:36):
I thought we were supposed to cut off Brandon from talking.
I think that knock was for them to start.
And then I'm waiting.
How you been?
Man, I've been good.
I got fucked up.
Listen here, fuckers.
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?

(22:57):
What the fuck are you doing here?
I'm here for you.
I'm here for you.
Stand up.
Hold on, let me stand right there.
Sit down.
Sit down.
Sit down.
I'm going to call Brandon again.
Don't listen to him.
Oh, wait, what the fuck?
You all listen to him.
We made that boy's day that day, let me tell you.
Can you believe alongside all this that we've seen so far, we've also done two live shows?

(23:22):
That's insane.
What other podcast has done two live shows that they can name?
Comment below.
But here's a clip from the first one.
It's a wonderful clip of Charlie Fisher rapping the new theme song as well as a live version
of Brandon's Corner.
Let's take a listen.
Clown College people, let's get it going.
Yeah.

(23:43):
Welcome to Clown College.
Yeah, Clown College.
In many ways, the elevator in the town college.
So if you want to hear a little honest, you take some place to make it as a comic.
See you in the next one.
I'm Brandon.
I'm Brandon.
I'm Brandon.
I'm Brandon.
I'm Brandon.
I'm Brandon.
I'm Brandon.
I'm Brandon.
I'm Brandon.
I'm Brandon.
I'm Brandon.
I'm Brandon.
I'm Brandon.
I'm Brandon.
I'm Brandon.
I'm Brandon.

(24:04):
Yes, let's take a breath for a while.
Get down to the face of the crowd.
We got a guest right now.
To show the hell.
Here we go.
Let's all go to Clown College baby.
It's with Brandon Williamson.
Stop糖Don't change it.
Let's all go to Clown College baby.
It's with Brandon Williamson.
Stop糖Don't change it.
Oh man.
Baby

(24:49):
Oh

(25:19):
Yeah
Dan pretty all right, dude, Brandon, you know, I just want the audience to get to know you a little more man
It's all right. Yeah
Telling me the other day about a story you had with your uncle who tried to fight you. Oh

(25:41):
Yes
First time I got high you weird weird. He was like
we were doing it and we were having a good time.
And then I go in and he's like,
hey man, you know what?
I can kick your ass.
I go like, what?
What are you talking about?
He's like, yeah man, you don't know it, but you can.
I knew you were just an animation.
I could get up and come to a kickoff.
I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?

(26:03):
I need to get my fit bit up, man.
That didn't make any sense to me.
It got weird because like, after that happened,
he was like, alright, let's go to Dave Buster's
and go on a ride.
I'm gonna have a DR thing.
Was the DR his top brand?
No.
Thank God it wasn't, man.
It was terminated at the Jurassic Park.

(26:25):
Oh, that's pretty sad.
And I didn't mean that for re-edition,
but you know they were past it.
Maybe good.
They had DR back then, dude?
Oh, hell yeah, man.
Hey, I wanna know about the first time
you purchased a pocket pistol.
Oh my gosh.
So, I.
You didn't say the first time?
Yeah, so I was a kid, man.
I'm about 16.
A six-handed, me and my bro, we were like, man,

(26:47):
we gotta do something, man.
You gotta be a contact, you know what I'm saying.
Make life better, so what we did was we.
We decided to go defensive, right?
We were looking back there to see what was there,
and it was a football, right?
A DP football, both hands, right?
And we went in there, right?

(27:08):
And so I was looking at it, and I was like,
this the only one?
He was like, yeah, it's the only one, man.
So I said, okay, I got a plan.
You go in there, you buy it, I'm gonna watch you buy it.
You act cool.
So he went up there and he was telling you,
he was like, yeah, man, so you ever use this?
You recommend it?
And the dude was looking at it, so we were like,
yeah, I recommend it, whatever.

(27:29):
Then after like five tries, we realized,
or by the way, you accepted it.
I'm just letting you know.
We realized that we weren't using it right.
You're supposed to take it out of the football.
So you were banging it inside the football.
Yeah, it was inside the football.
And it was uncomfortable.
Very uncomfortable.
I thought it was something you have to remember.

(27:50):
I got a question though, did you hold it by the laces?
Yes.
Well, I thought that's what that was for, man.
I don't know if that makes it group or shit, but no.
You were the main dude.
Nah, man, it was weird.
It was weird, yeah.
I have a clarifying question.
So at the beginning of the story,
you said they knew it in Spencer's,
and there was only one.
Yes, no, there was two.

(28:11):
Oh, no, come on, bro.
I'm just saying.
You know, what was the experience about this move?
I didn't know how to drive yet,
but me and my friend had to be like,
hey, mom, we go to the mall,
so we on a family trip, nobody knows.
I don't know how to turn.
It was, yeah, yeah, man.
I touched down that bitch in the garbage can.

(28:32):
How long ago did you throw that away?
About a year later.
Yeah, it was like, yeah, I'd be disguised,
I was just hoping nobody'd get that Nickelodeon slime
and just boom.
Boom.
Oh, damn, dude, you put some fucking miles on that thing.
Yeah.
Oh my gosh.
And why would you say that, bro?
Yeah.

(28:54):
Six.
Metaphor.
Hell yeah.
What about growing up, man?
Did you have any fun experiences in school growing up?
I had a lot of experiences.
I had one weird experience once that was,
where this is when I realized
that I may have been a little bit off, since it's a man.
You know what I mean?
He goes, okay, so that was this kid that went up to me

(29:14):
and he's like, hey, they gonna be my friends?
I'm like, yeah, they gonna be your friends.
Let's do it.
He said, hey, man, so let's get on the Bucky Bar
because you know I could hold on to that thing tomorrow.
He was like, yeah, I'll hold on to you, right?
So he held on to me and when we got halfway in,
boom, he swam in my hat.
And I said, what the fuck is that about?
He was like, oh, I didn't mean to do that.

(29:37):
I'm like, all right, man, don't do that again.
So then we did it again.
And then he does it again.
And then I'm like, yo, what happened?
He said, I slipped.
And I'm like, well, don't slip again.
And then we did it again.
Then we did two more times until I couldn't get up.
Then I went home and watched the Blue Leg Iron Man 2

(29:58):
eating some soup that I didn't want to eat.
What kind of soup?
Chicken noodle soup.
Now what's the defining quality about the guy that did this?
What's the defining quality?
I don't know.
He's Miami now, man.
I don't like him.
I don't know.
I've never seen the dude again and I feel like there was
something wrong mentally.

(30:19):
I don't know.
It's weird.
He goes boom, boom, boom.
I don't know.
I used to feel bad after when the dude can't get up
because everybody was surrounding me like a movie.
So he did it to you four times.
He's the one who did it to you.
Five.
Five.
Five.
Five.
Five.
Five.
Five.
Five.
Five.

(30:40):
We just kept playing it, all right?
I know I should have done it.
Boogie.
Kick it, boogie.
I know, but I was a very trusting man back then.
Very trusting.
So if you guys don't watch Spock Guys, you don't know that
Brandon is kind of a magnet for child prayers.
That's right.
He is.
He is.

(31:01):
He is.
How many times have you almost got angry with Penitentiary?
See, I wasn't participating in that.
Probably about 10 suspicious times.
10.
I'm like, that's a little weird.
And then I know what's going to be like.

(31:22):
This is getting weird.
I don't know.
Can I open it up a little bit and ask you how many times
you've had a bad shit going down with a person angry with Penitentiary?
That's a little specific.
Almost, though.
Bad shit goes down without actually opening it up.
So how about you tell us about times you almost got kidnapped?
Man, let me think of one.

(31:43):
Let me think of one.
I've got something.
OK, so I remember I had a bad shit going down with a kid.
You know, bad shit going down with a kid.
And this old man, we were at Kroger's, right?
My mom was just shopping over there.
I was like, hey, man, come over here and get some candy.

(32:05):
And you know, that's a rare flag for normal kids.
Me, I just went right over there.
I was like, hey, man, what is this?
Then I was about to make it.
And it had a green thing in the middle of it.
And I just looked right at it.
And I was going to eat it, and my mom smacked it out my hand.
I know we eat stuff from strange.
You wouldn't be asking me to go to the truck.
And I said, I'm going to fuck him up at four or five years old.
And I said, if I was fat, I would probably roll it off,

(32:29):
kick me over the best, and look at me again.
For you to be honest, dude, show me where on this wooden cock
you touched it.
Audience, why are you doing this?
I'm about to get up.
He's about to show us.
I'm about to get up.
Hey, audience, raise your hand if you have no idea about the

(32:50):
Clown College Podcast.
If you're unaware, you need to go to YouTube and subscribe to
the Clown College Comedy Podcast.
They do a fantastic job.
They're super maintaining, and they have a lot of really cool
guests, like me.
We like to highlight all the comedians and all the goons.

(33:13):
Boy, we're really superstars, huh?
Speaking of superstars, we've had our fair share of stars as
guests on the show, such as Brent Reed, Casio Kid, and
Charleston White, believe it or not.
Let's take a listen at these three clips with those three

(33:35):
people in them.
I think Brent needs to hear one of Brandon's stories.
Okay.
Peel them up.
Brandon, tell our friend here, man, there's so many.
There's so many.
What happened the first time you busted a nut?
I've been wondering this all the time.

(33:56):
I'm glad someone asked.
Well, since it's on the table, I'm glad someone asked.
The first day I did this, I got scared because I didn't know
what was happening.
Because I was a kid, I didn't know shit.
Were you confused that your cum wasn't black?
Dude, this was the time that I didn't even know what beat me
was.
Kids would come up and be like, hey, man, you beat your meat.

(34:18):
I'm embarrassed to say this now, but I used to really think
people were hitting on meat and shit.
I would be like, what the fuck are you talking about?
I was curious when I found out.
Then I was doing it, and then it happened.
I got scared and freaked out because I thought I got hurt.
Bleeding cum?

(34:39):
This shit ain't going down.
I'm over into my family.
It ain't going down.
What is that?
Then after I realized what happened, I was back the next
day.
That's amazing.
Then you say you were scared it was going to explode?
Yes.
Because dude, when it happened, I was like, yo, this is weird.

(35:00):
This is not right.
Come on, I was a kid.
I was a kid.
I was a kid, man.
I was like 14.
Jesus Christ.
That's the first time you jacked off when you were 14?
I didn't know shit, man.
You might want to tell you when I was in the-
I may have been 12 or 14.
How old were you when you jacked?
Definitely in junior high.
We were on Yahoo chat rooms.
Look, you go to Yahoo chat rooms and then you'd be like,

(35:25):
end for end, nude for nude.
Then you would go there, but no chat rooms would do it
besides the lesbians.
Now I know it was just guys doing the same thing we were
doing, but we would all go in there and send a neck of
pictures and then they would send us one back.
That is so funny.
It would be like fake pictures of Christina Aguilera and
shit like that.
I definitely did shit like that too.
It never crossed my mind that it was just another dude like

(35:46):
me on the other side.
I didn't think about it until recently.
That is so goddamn funny.
Until he tried to get back on there.
He was like, oh.
Wait, so you said that it would look like girl, but it
wouldn't be?
No, no, it would be like real pictures, but we're talking
like we're like sex talking to them.
Yeah, you would have cyber.

(36:07):
Cyber sex?
Yeah, cyber sex.
I saw you talking about getting tricked.
Yeah, Jay, you're probably too young to remember that.
Hell yeah, that's a dumb way.
I was like 12, but that was like 2015.
Oh man.
It's a long time ago.
But cyber sex was fun.
Our big thing was Omegle where you could just get on camera
with random people and there would always be dudes with

(36:29):
their dicks out.
Yeah, what was the other one, Chatroulette?
Chatroulette was, dude, so many crimes were committed on
that website.
It's insane, dude.
Oh yeah, lots of penises.
That's always funny too.
It's like you just roll the dice and odds are you're getting
a cock, but you roll the dice anyway because it might be a
boob.
Yeah, right?
You might catch a lady on a bed.

(36:50):
For every probably 50 dicks, you might get a lady with a boob.
Would they be already like jacking off and shit?
Yeah, because they're doing the same shit.
They're like waiting for a lady, but they're way ahead of the
game.
The interest tag, so you type in a tag of like, oh, this is
what I'm interested in.
This is what I want to have a conversation about.

(37:12):
And if you look up hot girls, you're just going to find other
dudes jerking off.
Absolutely.
You see what I'm saying?
It's a double-edged sword.
It's a double-edged sword.
I used to use those as dating apps when I was younger.
You remember Monkey?
Oh my gosh.
How did you do on Monkey?
Monkey was like the mobile app version of Omega.

(37:35):
It was the same concept.
You get matched with random people, but that one was wild
because there would be like actual children on there.
Because they could get it on there like that or whatever.
Yikes.
This is when I was young.
This is when I was like 12 or 11.
I'd get on there and I used to, man.
Brandon, you had a hard enough time in real life.
Dude, my friends would put me on there and they'd be like,

(37:57):
look at this nigga right here.
The girls would be like, oh my gosh, what the fuck is that?
And then they would get all these numbers and shit.
And I'd be like, well, damn.
And they'd be like, I want to tell you.
Brandon, tell Brent about your feet pic selling adventure.
Come on, man.
You don't want to tell him about that?
You sell pictures of your feet?

(38:18):
No, I didn't sell.
Yeah, well, let's be truthful here.
So my friend, I hate that these are all true.
My friend, we were on FaceTime and he was like,
this is a weird question to ask.
But he said to me, he was like, hey man, you know,
I'm having a bad day.
How about you just do this for a second of your foot
and I'll give you $2.
And I said, you know what, sure.
This is your buddy?

(38:39):
Yeah, I'm like, listen, man.
They're still friends.
They're still best friends.
If I was FaceTiming Alex or Matt and they did,
I would probably never talk to you.
But I grew up with this dude.
I knew this dude since I was in second grade.
I literally met him because he threw rocks at me
and we hated each other at first.
But after he had a weed system and I had one.

(39:01):
You got a glimpse of that foot.
He had a glimpse of them piggies.
And he was like, maybe we can't be friends.
He was a big wrestling fan too.
Did you hear his rationale for being friends with him?
He was like, I met him because he was throwing rocks at me,
but he had a wee.
I went to his house, he was like, you got a wee?
I was like, you got a wee?
And dude, we went to each other's house every day after that.

(39:22):
Wee wee wee all the way home.
Yeah.
He hit him with a damn.
What are you doing?
There it is.
But yeah, that was, yeah.
Yeah, it only happened twice.
It was bad.
The second time he was like, hey, man, you know what?
I don't learn sometimes.
He was like, hey, man, this is real quick.
I'll give you two more dollars.

(39:44):
I know you're struggling.
And we told him already at this point, like, dude,
your friend shouldn't be asking you and paying you.
Like it was a joke.
He wouldn't pay you.
Do you tell these stories on stage?
Sometimes, yeah.
We try to get them to.
He doesn't even understand why they're,
he told us like when we first started hanging out,
how he almost got kidnapped and molested four different times.
Brother, you need to just be on stage being as honest as possible.

(40:06):
You need to just be doing what you're doing right now
because that shit is so funny.
And no one's had those, your perspective.
No one, that's never happened to anybody else.
On the entire planet.
Tell them about the monkey bars, man.
Oh, you just talked about the monkey bars.
I'm almost convinced, I'm almost convinced this is a bit,
and JJ's making shit up and you're also making shit up.

(40:29):
I'm his friend, actually.
I'm calling the dude right now, he be like, yeah, man, I remember that shit.
So there was this special kid that was helping me on the monkey bar
because they used to sing all those specials too.
And like, dude, so he was helping me.
He said, dude, I'll hold you up like this.
And in the middle of it, he swung me on my back and saved me fall.

(40:53):
And I was like, yeah, hey, what was that about?
And he was like, I'm sorry, man, you want to do it again?
And I said, sure.
And then he hit me again.
I was like, yo, wait, hold on, man, this is not right.
What's your problem?
He said, I'm sorry, man, I keep tripping.
And then the fourth time I couldn't get up.
Fourth time.
Yeah, yeah, and then we were, I was like, fuck this.
Who's the special one?
Yeah, I was a weird kid, like, I was weird.

(41:15):
And my mom told him, because she was like, dude, back in the day,
you didn't know shit.
She was like, this kid was throwing rocks at me.
And is he my friend?
And she was like, no, Brandon, fuck no.
And now I know that's my friend that we're talking about right now with the foot.
That's amazing.
That's amazing.
And that's the same dude with the football.
We got to have Charleston White on the pod.

(41:39):
You got that back?
You don't have to record the screen.
Oh, so I got to excited.
You got that on.
Yeah, this is on.
Put it up to the mic.
The back of this one.
All right, yeah.
Your call has been forwarded to voicemail.
Damn, dude.
Let me try. You got two phones.
Got two.

(42:02):
I'm sweating like Dante's about to go on stage.
He may or may not answer, but I talked to him.
He's a busy man.
You got a lot going on.
Hello.
What up? This is Charleston.
Hello.

(42:23):
What up, Charleston?
What's up?
Man, shit.
Chillin', man.
Look, man.
I'll call you.
I got a group of guys.
I got a group of my partners, man.
Listen, I'm at Clown Community College, bro.
And we want y'all there.
We wanted to see what it take to get you on the podcast, man.
I'm going to shoot you my manager number.

(42:44):
All right, bet.
Man, they sitting here listening to you now, man.
It's a mixed group of guys, man.
They love you, bro.
All right, bet.
I'm going to shoot you my manager number now.
All right, bet.
All right.
This is the best day of my life.
Oh, fuck.
This is the best day of my life.
Oh, shit.
That's crazy.
Man.
Oh.

(43:05):
That's what we needed.
Man.
I told you, bro.
I got you connected.
What, you just know him?
Y'all know him.
Where did y'all meet?
Where did y'all meet?
I met him at a comedy show.
Oh.
He gave me his number.
Oh, damn.
Okay.
See, that's why I pay to get dressed up.
I'm not a comedian.
I'm a comedian.
See, that's why I pay to get dressed up.
I was dressed up and shit.
He thought I was somebody big or whatever.

(43:26):
So, that's what I did.
We exchanged numbers and shit.
Damn, bro.
I got to take a page out of Mike's book.
Yeah, I did.
Brandon cannot comprehend what's going on.
Y'all know Hill Harper?
Who?
Google Hill Harper.
Hill Harper.
Okay, let's see.
How you spell Hill?
H-I-L-L.
Mike Charlton.
H-A-R-P-E-D.
He wanted one.
Yeah, he didn't even need one.
Him right there.
Yeah.
I'm going to go to the bathroom.
I'm going to the bathroom.

(43:47):
I'm going to the bathroom.
He's from New York.
He's from New York.
He's from New York.
He's from New York.
Ben Dockter?
Yeah.
Let me call him.
You know him?
Yeah.
It might be...
Crazy.
I've reached three...

(44:19):
Y'all always got his number.
Hold on.
Would you cut his hair?
Yeah.
Like when he came down here, you went to go see him?

(44:41):
Oh, he came down here.
Y'all Google Double D. Double D is a famous comedian too.
He had a comedian, is he?
Yeah.
He is?
No, no, he's an actor.
He's running for Senator in Michigan.
What?
It's not important, but is it screen recording, Brad?
That's Double D right here.
No, no, it's not.
It's coming.
That'd be a good person to put on your podcast too.
I've seen him before.

(45:02):
You've seen him before?
No, he's not.
Double D, he's a famous comedian.
Let's see, who was that?
Big Horn.
What was that?
I think that was the Barbershop Expo, Mike, where it was Steve Harvey's, my favorite thing
to do.
Barber was there?
Oh yeah, you seen that?
Yeah.
With Exotics or something?
There's like a whole bunch of people there.
Mike was there too?
No, I got Diddy's...
Oh shit.
What?
Diddy's Barber.
Is my partner.
Hey, I got the number for y'all.
You said Diddy's Barber?

(45:23):
Diddy's Barber.
Diddy's Barber.
Diddy's Barber.
Diddy's Barber.
Diddy's Barber.
Hey, I got the number for y'all, you said Diddy's Barber?
No, for Chargers...
Manager?
Yeah.
Fuck yeah, dude.
Whatever it takes.
He's on next week.
Whatever it takes.
Fuck whoever else was supposed to be on.

(45:43):
Nobody was supposed to be on.
Write it down.
Hey Brandon, you got a pen over there, dude?
Holy shit.
I told y'all to get y'all looked up, bro.
Hey, y'all.
Yeah.
You ever be calling?
Just talking to him?
Y'all call him from time to time.
He'll call me.
For real?
Yeah.
He'll call me, man.

(46:04):
He'll call me, say some random shit, crazy as hell.
I want my man, Weave Nigga, hang the phone up and shit.
I'll be like, yeah, this nigga crazy.
Well, hell yeah.
You didn't believe, y'all didn't believe that shit y'all just heard.
That shit was crazy.
At first, I heard his voice.
I'm like, there's no way that's Charleston.
But then I heard it again.
I was like, oh, damn.
That's wild.
Thanks, Mike.
Hell yeah.
Damn, dude.

(46:25):
That's fucking wild.
A little encore.
Yeah, a little encore.
For the episode, the post-credit scene.
Did y'all record that?
Did y'all record that?
Oh yeah, that's dope.
The premise on my set for this particular story was how much money would it take for
you to trade in for the perfect dick?
Think about your perfect dick.
So I'm going to give you your perfect dick for $1 million.
And I'm going to give you your perfect dick for $1 million.

(46:51):
Because you can ask that question 100 times to the dude in the front row, and 100 times
it'll probably be different.
He won't want to answer it.
He's going to answer it bravely.
He's going to take the dick immediately.
He's going to take a million dollars immediately.
His wife's going to come in and say, take the dick.

(47:15):
Like there's a thousand ways.
I think that's the fun part of it.
And so to do that though, you have to start doing that at shows at some point, no matter
what level, and seeing what people are going to start saying so you can start getting into
that mindset.
And while I'm negotiating with Tom, he said he had a perfect dick.

(47:40):
Yeah, I don't need that.
I already have a perfect dick.
He didn't want the money.
And I said, okay.
He said, I have a perfect dick and I said, two million are the perfect dick.
And he took the dick.
And so now we're going through it.
And now I see his lady friend.
I don't know what their relationship was.
There's a lady at the table with him and she slyly goes, when he's like, I have the perfect

(48:09):
dick and she's like, and then as we negotiate, I go, I don't want to bring you in.
Bring your girl in and blah, blah, blah.
I think it's having a fun time.
I wasn't aggressive to him.
No, not at all.
I just posed the question and now we're riffing.
And then a lady at the bar says, Hey, your girl said take the perfect dick.
The black lady at the bar said.

(48:30):
You need it.
She's already said he don't have the perfect dick or something like that.
She said he ain't got the perfect dick.
And I'm like, Oh, this is great.
This is a fun time to end.
Cause I was like, this is a fun show.
Like I finally, cause the first time part of my set, I did not get laughed.
And then this got laughed, thankfully for the lady on the bar.

(48:51):
And then afterwards I was still down there and you guys went outside and saw some chaos.
So we go outside and talking to Charlie.
He just comes across the street.
He stops in the middle of the street and throws his phone.
The guy was just talking to Tom, which we didn't know till later was signed up to be
a comic.

(49:13):
I didn't know that.
I thought he was, I thought the reason he was mad because he went up and didn't get
any laughs.
But then you guys were like, no, he didn't go up.
No, I never saw him go up.
So he didn't go up.
So I'm like, why did he just smash his phone?
It had to be because his girl said she did.
He didn't have a perfect dick cut to last week.
You know, cut this a month later, I come up, he's like, Hey, can I get a lighter?

(49:36):
He has a cigarette and I see like dirt in his fingernails, right?
And like deep down in there.
So this is what I see.
When you have dirt deep down in there, that means you haven't been home in a while.
You haven't showered.
It's immediately what I thought.
You haven't been home in a while.
You haven't.
And then he goes up that night and he says, I had to kill somebody in self-defense last

(49:57):
week.
He did.
Yeah.
What are we talking about?
He killed his girl.
She wasn't with him.
She's been there every time with him.
All right.
I saw him.
He killed her.
I saw him at an open mic since that night and I was worried because I'd heard all y'all
stories.

(50:17):
I was worried when I saw him.
I'm like, he's going to come up to me and like kill me or like be ready to fight.
And he never said, well, like, so now I'm like, I don't know if he noticed, like he
realizes it was me or he didn't give a shit.
I don't know the case.
Like, but he never mentioned it to me.
But that night we're all hanging out after the mic.

(50:40):
And by the way, he did a pretty damn good job.
I was like, that's pretty good.
Yeah.
I was like, damn, I don't, there was some of them want to Google to see if it was already
on the internet, but I was like, so Jake, he said he says he says that I was like, I
was like, I'm like, that's some good, she's like Reddit.

(51:00):
Yeah.
What's my right over Mike?
I don't care.
My point was I just still wanted to see what, I mean, he was still funny dude, regardless.
I was like, I was funny.
And then we're hanging out afterwards and I, we're like, Bob, yeah, you're going to
the show.
Uh, yeah, I've got a show in trustful.
I'd like for you to come work.
That's good.
I mean, I don't have your number, but Tom goes, killed a man last week.

(51:25):
And we're like, what's that?
And he's like, yeah, man, self-defense.
I stabbed him.
You ever been stabbed?
And we're like, no, we, uh, now I've never been stabbed.
No.
And he's like, I've been stabbed.
And he's like, Hey man, will you pass that story?

(51:46):
Will you start that story?
Will you go ahead and hand that over?
Cause it sounds like it's going to be a long story.
You know, I was like, good call, dude.
Don't get stuck in this story.
Once you talk about killing the man, I'm not asking you to go ahead and pass it.
You can achieve it as long as you want after that.

(52:08):
Brandon's like, hand that over.
That's a long story guys.
I was like, man, that's a good call.
He actually stabbed and killed his girlfriend.
She transitioned.
She chose the perfect fit.
What'd he say, Brandon?
And he was talking about how this dude tried to stab him.
Yeah.
And he was like, dude, when you get stabbed, it's like, it's life changing.

(52:32):
It's not the same.
It feels different.
I've never been stabbed, but I promise you, this is going to be life changing.
You know what's crazy?
Tom, I just remember you guys talking about, dude, I knew him for half my whole life.
We went to school together and everything.
Dude, he seen me when I played basketball.
He was there with me.

(52:54):
Was this when we went?
No, I'm talking about back in middle school.
I'm talking about middle school.
He knows this guy.
Dude, like, after we went out, half my whole life.
I've never heard anyone say the phrase, half my whole life.
Half of it.
Brandon, you have some of the most craziest phrases that I'm like, I've never heard a

(53:16):
human say those words in that order before.
This just, Brandon knows multiple murderers.
Yeah, because the other dude killed that dude in a Russian roulette and then tried to hang
out with me.
And after he told that knife story, he's like, so you're going to hang out with me?
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
So I had a friend who my mom told me in third or fourth grade, she was like, you can't hang
out with him no more because he always had butterfly knives.

(53:38):
He would do tricks.
The school talent show.
He always had butterflies.
He had Soviet Union flags everywhere and knives and shit.
What's a Union flag?
Like the Soviets.
The Soviets, like the little USSR hammer and sickle.
Yeah, man, Soviet.

(54:00):
I thought the Soviets was who attacked Tweety Bird earlier and no one walked in the Soviets.
No, man, back in the Cold War days.
Russia.
Soviet.
You didn't know anybody that killed somebody in World War II.

(54:22):
Soviet?
Soviet.
That's just what you're talking about.
He had the Soviet Union flag.
No, no, but he was a fan of it.
Like he had the flags and shit.
And he did, what did he do?
Call of Duty.
He always played that.
And then one day, my mom was like, you can't hang out with him no more.
That's okay.
One day I saw him on the news and he did a Russian roulette with this guy and then shot
and killed him and said it was an accident.
So they let him out.

(54:43):
And then after that he was like, hey.
This is real.
He roams the streets.
Yeah, like I said, he's in my house.
That's a good dude.
I don't want to, can he watch this?
Do you know if he watches this?
Oh yeah, he can.
He's like close.
Hey man, I hate you got hemmed up like that.
Yeah, man.
The government's against us, you know what I mean?
I thought he was like one of the nicest people until he did that, man.
Because he was like so kind.

(55:04):
He murdered a guy.
And now he's like, I'm going to kill him.
I'm going to kill him.
And then I was like, I'm going to have to think about this a little bit.
I can't say, I wouldn't say a name about that.
Is he a Sylvia or not?
No, he was a, he had blonde hair.
He always, he supported it though.
He had blonde hair.

(55:25):
And he looked like Johnny Carson a little bit if he was young.
You know Johnny Carson?
I know Johnny Carson.
I know Johnny Carson.
He looked like Johnny Carson because he was young?
No, I'm saying when he was young, young, young.
Yeah, he was, I have to see what happened.
Have y'all checked the SAT test yet?
The IQ test?
We did.

(55:46):
Yes we did.
I'm scared that Brandon got higher than me.
Wait, have y'all revealed it yet?
No, on the last show.
Exciting, huh?
Now before these boys get a big head, let's sprinkle in our second live show where we revealed the IQ score results of a lot of the Huntsville comedy scene.

(56:08):
And boy, the results are not what you'd expect.
They know their own individual score.
They just don't know how the other people scored and like how they rank among the others.
So, the question is, are you smarter than a clown?

(56:31):
Now then, the way we're going to reveal this is we have several, five of the people that took the test are not present tonight.
So we're just going to go ahead and put these guys on the line.
So we're displaying it like this.
We got a number line.
And the first ones that you're going to see, the first four are people that aren't here tonight.

(56:53):
Alright, so the people that guessed that JVAP will get the highest, they will arrive.
Hey, who's here?
Hey, sorry, I was told you weren't going to be here.
So, blame it on them.
But anyway, hey, look at there, Ren.
So then the next, if you'll notice, third from the left is a V because two people tied in spots three and four is a tie.

(57:18):
Alright, so my question, I'm just curious, clown call is comedy.
The next person I'm going to reveal is Dante.
Where do you think Dante is going to be on that continuum?
I'll say that way.
Uh oh.

(57:42):
There are two that score more than Dante.
Alright, now we're going to talk to the people that aren't here tonight.
Can we get sci-fi to come on up here?
Right here, we have the sci-fi.
Now, sci-fi, you know the rule, like you can't touch my back wall there, but I want you to go up there and kind of stand where you think you are going to be on that line.

(58:14):
I thought I was going to be here.
If God is kind, somewhere here.
If God is kind.
Sci-fi, you are right there.
Alright, Mike Sales is in the house, everybody.

(58:36):
Give it up for Mike Sales.
Mike, come on up for a second.
Also known as Tim Stacks, if you need a fade or a line up, you'll need to go see him at the Presidential Barbershop.
Mike Sales, where on the line do you think you're going to fall?

(58:57):
So, second from the end.
Oh.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
So, ladies and gentlemen, y'all give it up for Mike Sales.
Mike is going to be the commentator.
So that leaves our clowns.
We've got three clowns and three spies.

(59:21):
So, JJ Payton, tell me where do you think you fall on this continuum?
I'm hoping over there.
You think you're between me and the other clowns?
I might end it all if I'm not.
Alright, can I get a drum roll?
There he is.

(59:43):
Dumbass.
Alright, Don Karr.
Don Karr.
I need counseling after this.
I'm going one ahead of the left.
So you think you're not the last one?
Yeah, please count, please count.
Please count, I'm not the last.

(01:00:06):
Alright, ladies and gentlemen, Don Karr.
And then there's Brandon, our lovely Brandon.
Now he has a thing.
But I'm going to show you guys some numbers because there's not an unintelligent person on this entire chart.
Look at those numbers.

(01:00:27):
So, take a reference.
If you're not aware, they consider 100 average.
So, everybody on that continuum is above average.
Y'all give it up for Brandon right there.
And Jason, folks.
Now, here's the thing.
We have them, and you kind of saw this in the video.
We have them all guess how everyone else is going to do with a number.

(01:00:52):
And I tabulated all the numbers, and we have one person that got the closest, and that person is going to get 50 bucks.
So, do you want to know who got the closest?
Alright, I need a drum roll for this one.
It's Syfy!

(01:01:15):
150 bucks, baby boy.
Brandon's got two million.
I'm too old to buy these things out.
We shouldn't have did this.
We shouldn't have did this.
I'm pretty sure it was your idea, though.
It was.

(01:01:38):
Well, that's how you're going to hire you smarter than a clown.
You guys having fun?
Before we take a break, I need to hear from y'all.
I need to know how you're feeling right now.
I feel great.
This could have gone any better.
I am in shock right now.
Nobody else is.

(01:02:01):
Don, tell me, express yourself.
Tell us what you're in shock about specifically.
I thought, well, 108, I'd clearly be in the middle.
And then what really hurts is that downtown mic sells.
I'm like three doctors, I'm supposed to be.
I have to rethink what I'm doing with my life.

(01:02:24):
I'm not going to lie.
This whole time, I thought that I was going to be probably the top two.
Now I'm the damn last one.
Damn, I didn't know they were going to get that high.
I'm as smart as hell.
You're that smart?

(01:02:45):
What the hell is going on here?
She brought a whole ass computer in there.
I'm trying to agree to you guys.
You want to answer that right now?
No degree.
No degree?
She had me.
Yeah, take that J.J.
My degree is in history, so it doesn't really count.
I'm not using it.

(01:03:06):
Oh, he's going to sit next to her.
Boy, they sure are dumb, huh?
Now, the final clip of the podcast is going to be one of favorite past guests,
man on the street, Pat Grice, describing what he would do with his children.
Let's just leave it at that and take a watch.

(01:03:31):
I could deal with having a gay child, maybe even a trans child.
I just can't have a stupid kid.
Now, I'm talking about because stupid kids are very expensive.
You got to have bail money for them.
You got to keep them on your insurance plan.
It's just too much money with dumb kids.
I actually know because I'm one of those dumb kids.

(01:03:52):
I know I cost my dad some money, but he owe me some money.
But still.
Brandon liked that one.
At least gay kids, at least with a gay kid, they can still do their own thing,
get their own money, get about your life.
It's like dumb kids, you stuck with them, motherfuckers.
Exactly.
Because they have the age old question, gay son or a whore daughter?

(01:04:16):
That's a crazy question.
Easy, gay son.
I don't think I could.
I would cry if my daughter was the only family.
I would have mental breakdowns.
I wouldn't want my daughter to be a whore, but she's going to be a whore.
At least she'd be paying for it.
I would cry.
God damn.
That's not the mentality, dude.
It's not the mentality.
I don't want to have a whore daughter, but I can't stop my daughter from being a whore.

(01:04:39):
So if you're going to be a whore, at least get some money out of it.
Because if you're going to be a whore, I ain't paying for shit.
T.I. stopped his daughter.
T.I. stopped his daughter from being a whore.
T.I. was checking on how I'm doing.
Yeah, that's weird, though.
I don't like that.
That's insane that he even said that.
It should be an honor system.
Yeah, it's insane.
I thought that wasn't the real daughter, though.

(01:05:01):
It doesn't matter.
That makes it weird.
He's making sure something's wrong.
Wait, how old was the daughter?
Probably like 18.
I hope so.
Checking the 16-year-old Hymen is a little weird.
I don't think he was checking on her.
That is weird.
Yeah.
I think he was talking to the daughter about Hymen.
But I don't think that's weird, though.

(01:05:22):
If you're the father and you're providing for your daughter, yeah, check Hymen.
Brandon, how...
What?
No.
The fuck are you talking about?
I'm sorry.
You want us to take this out?
Let's go back in time and see.
I know somebody in the Huntsville comedy scene that would agree with this.
If you're paying for your daughter's college...
I'm not even talking like that.
I'm just saying if you are...
I'm talking about if you're supporting your daughter, if you're fully supporting your

(01:05:46):
daughter, you're responsible for her.
Because back in the day, and I'm not trying to sound like that guy, but it's like back
in those days, women didn't move out the house until they got married.
Because that's the whole premise of the father giving the bride away.
Like, hey, I'm giving you my daughter.
She's your responsibility now.
So it's like I wouldn't want my daughter to be out here getting pregnant, and she ain't
nobody's wife.
Think about it though.

(01:06:07):
Think about it.
The girls we know, if you had a friend who was a woman and she had kids, different fathers,
but you'd be like, that's just her.
But if it was your daughter, you'd feel the type of way.
I mean, that shit just happens.
But in no situation is it okay to check your daughter's heart.
But I don't think T.I. is checking the Hymans himself.

(01:06:29):
I think that goes against protocol.
I'm pretty sure.
That is a HIPAA vibe.
Because as a doctor, that's like client-doctor privilege shit.
But I'm pretty sure he's talking to the daughter like, he's talking to the doctor like, hey,
I want to know, doctor, so and so, what's going on with my daughter, I need to know what's
going on with my daughter.
I need to make sure there ain't no keys popping out.

(01:06:51):
I think that's a crazy invasion of privacy.
Because they're still kids, but they're still like human beings.
Could you imagine they're checking your balls?
I don't know how you do it for guys, but huh.
That's what they did on the Mendez, bro.
You remember the mother would check the balls?
Not me.
No.
They checked my balls.

(01:07:12):
I'm going to say, like I said, that's why I say, like, if you really want to be free
from your parents like that, you got to get your own shit.
Yeah, they should have just left.
Like, you can't, like, I made a joke on Facebook because I was watching an episode of Family
Matters on Facebook.
And they showed Eddie Winslow getting mad at his mom and running up the stairs.
And he was like, treat me like a man.

(01:07:33):
I was like, how you going to say something about treat you like a man?
You run up the stairs of her own goddamn house.
Like, if you want to be treated like a man, if you want to, you know, have that.
Like I said, I'm not trying to sound insensitive or nothing, but if, like I said, if the parent
is supporting the child fully, it might be some role to come with it.
But I don't think T.I. is just checking the hymen himself, like, looking at it.

(01:07:56):
I think he just said.
I don't know.
This is all allegedly, too.
I'm not confident on what I see on the Internet, what the source was.
I seen it like three, four years ago.
It was like rap TV or something like that.
Are you able to get someone else to check it for you?
Everything about it is weird.
There's not one piece about it.
I think having a daughter is weird.
Oh, wow.

(01:08:17):
I agree.
What?
So why is that weird?
Like, it's not weird as weird.
It's just like, I'm looking at Jack for confirmation.
I picture myself being a father and in every version of myself being a father, I only see a son.
Not saying I only want a son, but I don't think I would be able to handle having a daughter.
Well, then they'll just be trans. It'll be cool.

(01:08:39):
Yeah.
You'll get your boy in like 10 years.
I mean, I'm blessed whatever I get.
And no shape or form, I'm going that far checking my daughter's hymen.
I'm going to do that to your mama.
That's your mama job.
The wife should check.
That's the issue.
I agree.
Be real.
Be real.
If the story came out that Tiny was checking the hymen, would it be weirder?

(01:09:03):
Yes.
It's still fucking the same amount of weird.
It's not weird.
I don't think so.
Brandon, what do you say?
I think this is kind of crazy.
Yeah, it's insane.
This is all crazy, man.
Like, check, what are we checking this stuff for?
Because like...
Make sure she's not having sexual intercourse, Brandon.
That's exactly what they did on that show.
No, make sure her thing ain't being abused.

(01:09:24):
They would check their dicks and be like, let's make this stuff about you.
I don't want to talk about this anymore.
I don't want to talk about this.
This is bad.
I'm out of this shit.
I'm backing out.
I'm out, bro.
I was just talking about the movie.
Because you're kids.
Because you're kids.
Be real.
How old were you when you first fucked?
14.
You a legend.
How old were you?
16.
He a legend.
Cool.
How old were you?

(01:09:45):
19.
Oh, man.
I was 18, but that's okay.
Brandon, how old were you?
That's okay.
How old when I did what?
How old were you when you had sex consensually?
Still has a...
18.
That was good.
18.
That was me.
So at some point, you fucking somebody's daughter.
So at some point, the children are going to experience sexually.

(01:10:09):
You just want to make sure they ain't taking...
At some point, the children are going to experience sexually.
What?
Who's experiencing who sexually?
The kids.
They're experiencing each other.
The children.
They're doing their thing.
You just said your first nut was 14.
Yeah, but I was in high school.

(01:10:31):
I wasn't like a kid.
Yeah, you was in high school.
I was a teenager.
But in a parent mind, they don't want their child fucking in high school.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So at some point, when you have a high school daughter, she's nine times out of 10 is going
to experience sexually.
Let me tell you something.
My daughter would be a saint, and she wouldn't have sex of marriage.
She would not grow up with a jerk.

(01:10:53):
Do I sound weird right now?
A little bit.
Okay, I don't want to get too excited.
I'm just saying at some point, kids are going to fuck.
When I was in middle school, they gave us a sex ed mandatory because three girls in my
middle school class got pregnant.
So at some point, it's going to happen.
They're going to fuck.
Your job as a parent is to make sure that they're doing it responsibly.

(01:11:15):
True.
That makes a lot more sense.
It's like my homeboy.
My homeboy was smoking weed at 13, really younger than that.
But his mom was like, shit, if you're going to smoke weed, smoke weed with me.
I already smoked with me to go out there and get hooked on some shit that'll fuck your
brain up or some shit like that.
Smoke with mama.
Mama ain't going to lace you.
So I understand it from that aspect.

(01:11:36):
But you shouldn't have sex with your mom.
No.
That would be weird.
Never.
No, that's not good.
I'm going to throw up.
No.
That's different.
That's bad.
So me as a parent-
It's been terrible.
And me as a parent, I don't want my child, my daughter or my son to be fucking at a young
age.
But what the way social media is, the way shit going on like that, you never know when

(01:11:58):
your kid's going to be fucking.
But you want to make sure they're doing it responsibly.
Use a condom.
You know what I'm saying?
Show them love at home.
And they won't have to search for it somewhere else.
I'm just giving support in my house.
That's it.
What they do.
But people are going to have sex.
That don't mean shit.
Yeah, but it's still just like everybody-
Does your mama love you at home?
Yeah.
But your dick still got hard, didn't it?

(01:12:20):
What?
For the girl you fuck.
Okay, make sure you-
Yeah, for the girl you fuck.
This is wild.
Yeah, come on.
But it started off very, extremely rough.
But Pat got to a good point at the end.
People are going to fuck, bro.
Yeah.
You have to teach them to do it responsibly.
Yeah.
That's what sex ed is for.
I feel like that's the new age, the way the world- people are so focused on trying to

(01:12:43):
do shit from back in the day when back in the day it don't work no more because back
in the day they didn't have social media.
This day we have social media.
These days every little girl's favorite rapper is half naked.
I watch wrestling.
I'm a big wrestling fan.
You can agree with this shit.
On wrestling these days, all the female wrestlers got asses.
They do.
They're entertaining children.
They got fat, juicy asses wrestling on TV.

(01:13:07):
But even back in our day-
That is weird.
Back in our day it was worse.
They had broad-panties, they had asses.
Oh yeah, weird.
Yeah, like it was weird.
They had kitties out all the time.
It was over-sexualized.
So at some point a young kid gonna be like, damn, I wanna be-
Let's be honest.
Most wrestling fans are either mentally challenged or kids.

(01:13:28):
Or just horny motherfuckers.
You're taking advantage of both of those groups.
When I was coming up, Trish Stratus was the hottest white lady I like.
I mean, it just wouldn't work.
That's more Stacey Keebler.
Yeah, that too.
And not to mention, they had them on Playboy.
So it's like, goddamn, you can't even stop what's gonna come.

(01:13:52):
Yeah.
You can't stop a little boy from coming.
Oh my, come on, man.
I don't know if we can release this episode.
Yeah, that one was rough.
Jesus Christ.
That one was crazy.
What is happening?
That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.
You know what's fucked up though, man?
I told you, I told you, when you bring me on this motherfucker and you're licking me,
I've been drinking all weekend.

(01:14:15):
I'm just me.
He's just being me.
I'm just being me.
One incredible take.
It was redeemable.
It was condemnable.
It was everything you want in a presidential candidate.
All guys, that does it for us on our clip show, our first one we've ever done.

(01:14:37):
Hopefully Dom can recover.
We can put a lot of the Patreon money into vaccine research for whatever he has because
it's nasty.
The symptoms have been re-ringing its head for a very long time.
So let's just have a moment of silence for Dom.
Wish him good health.

(01:14:58):
And we'll see you next episode.
I hope you enjoyed this episode.

(01:15:29):
I fucking hate Scrappy dude.

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The Best of Clown College Comedy Clips Show | #ClownCollegeComedyPodcast | Ep 61 W/ The Gang

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}The Best of Clown College Comedy Clips Show | #ClownCollegeComedyPodcast | Ep 61 W/ The Gang