Where's the Beef? | #ClownCollegeComedyPodcast | Ep 29 W/ Scott Curtis - Clown College Comedy

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
This week on clown college
What they call it special needs now and and that's what I was I was in the special ed part where you got a little bit
of extra
Help
Yeah, and then I have to read it like old people and draw on straight lines
I don't think that's in the standard

(00:33):
Welcome to clown college. We have profound knowledge in many ways to elevate and make his own polish
So if you want to hear a little honest you take son always to make it as a comic stick around for a while
If you're down to clown, we got to guess right now just to show you how

(01:07):
So this the first show after the live show yeah
I'm still recovering dude. Yeah, that was amazing. Man. It was really good. Thank you everybody for coming, too
Oh, yeah, thank you guys. Thank you so much. It's a good turnout really good turnout first show. Yeah. Yeah, I
Didn't know how I was gonna go man. I'm beyond this way, but it was a good time

(01:30):
Yeah, it was actually a good time when I watched it back when I was editing it up
I was like it seems like consistent laughs do the whole thing Brandon with stories went well
The skit hit oh, yeah, we had to put that on there because it just felt right put it in the beginning
Yeah, yeah, I cut it out. I cut it out the
from the from that part, but uh, yeah

(01:51):
sci-fi killed
All yeah, yeah
Okay, he did okay he did he came in a little rock he was rusty you could tell yeah
You know, you know, he did fine. Yeah, he did fine. Oh that semen. He's been doing
Not good. He's been out there on the waters
Come up pressing me. Where's our podcast that I'm like bitch

(02:15):
We had a live show to put together this guy dude unbelievable people just you know, I'm grateful
Talking about this podcast the other week ago to tell him Brandon look at that look at that talk to him
Look at I'm gonna talk to him
A bitch ass bitch made ass nigga. Now, you know, this is my friend here

(02:46):
And then all the bucket pools killed hope
Yeah, hope did really well. Those jokes were were on time
Yeah, and then and then she pied me in the face and there were hot dogs
That's what noodles I found. Yeah, that's I didn't see the noodle part. I got
When when I looked on the ground and saw two raw hot dogs

(03:09):
Covered in shaving cream, dude. I'm like, I wasn't supposed to see those till later tonight
And then they were just there
Yeah, cuz Alex was like you guys didn't even notice that there was hot dogs and noodles in there. I had no fucking clue. I
Didn't either that was that threw me off guard when I looked down
I was like the shaving cream was such a good call. That's a good cream

(03:31):
Did you call that one? No, that was you dude. No, no, no, somebody called it. Maybe it was Alex
Thank you. Well, yeah, I mean dude that smell of just fucking my nose
It wouldn't go away for like two days after that
It was terrible and just think of the cleanup on I got I didn't have to wash that tarp right away
But if it had that milk shit on it and sat in my car for a couple days

(03:53):
Oh, dude shaving cream is the way to go if you ever want to pause somebody in the face
Yeah, we got it dissolves too. Yeah, we got to close your eyes
Think of a new thing for this next we get one in three months
I'm thinking shout out to Kim and shenanigans, huh? I'm thinking don't yeah. Shout out to Kim shenanigans
I'm thinking don't take for the next one dude. If we can find a way to get that set up

(04:13):
They got that back door. I'm pretty sure a dunk take. Yeah, I'm tank would fold right?
You know what I mean, wait, you don't think the dunk tape was like a dunk tank would fold to get it in through the door
I thought it was made out of look up a dunk tank very rent a dunk tank. Yeah
Let's see. Let's see. We'll do it right fucking now, man. I
Just want to see what it like if there's one that we can get a hold of don't tank rentals

(04:39):
Let's see how much this cost. I don't think we'll be able to get it inside. That's the only thing
Yeah, I was only gonna get it inside
I don't think we'll be able to get it inside. That's the only thing. Yeah, absolutely
$300 okay
Dude we can make that yeah
But I don't know about the mechanism. Yeah, but how many people actually gonna hit that circle right there?

(05:01):
Well, you gotta give them like five you gotta give them five balls. We're gonna have to give them like a basketball or something
Comics not really well known for their athletic ability
Yeah, and we got to get this pass through Kim to be like would you like a big bucket of water in your studio?
First of all, who said it's gonna be water man. I'm thinking Gator piss

(05:24):
From out there
Brandon I want to know what this story. Yeah, I mean Brandon said he had something crazy to do. We don't know what it is guys. So
Like that asshole Scott said mm-hmm. I fucked around and found
What okay, so uh, you know those Willy Wonka chocolates at the gas station. Uh-huh
I got adventurous and I was like, let me go ahead and get that so I got that and then I went on a date

(05:48):
We went to Cheddar's right? Yeah, I've never been in this tank in there
I've never been to Cheddar's and I found out it wasn't that expensive. So I got the ribs and uh, the chicken tenders
Made sure that I had a bunch of chicken tenders and then I got what else did I get that a cheese broccoli casserole?
Uh-huh with some bacon and cheese fries. That sounds delicious

(06:08):
And I ate all that shit
Except for some of the ribs. I had like two bones left and then after that I got excited and I got some cake pops
And then after I ate the cake pops I had I bought this big-ass Ben and Jerry chocolate thing
Are you fucking serious? That's 5,000 calories. Oh god at least. And the morning was bad cuz I okay

(06:29):
So I was tired and I needed some energy so I had an energy drink
and then some M&M cookies
And
Shake breakfast
And then I went home and read the thing and said take two what is it?
They said two chocolate bars for the newcomer the person that's new and then if you do four or five
That's when shit gets crazy. And I was like, man, I'm a champ. Let me get four. What?

(06:52):
Hold on. What are we talking about? The Willy Wonka? You never seen those mushroom chocolate things?
Oh, you're talking about a
Yeah, oh, okay. I didn't know what you're talking about. I got four of them
And my girl's like don't do four Brandon don't do it like me and I'm a champ. I could do four
Four entire candy bars? No, not four entire
It's like they have like a level of bars and they're like you take one two, three, four five

(07:15):
And they're like six or seven. Like you break off the pieces. Yeah, you know like six or seven
You're gonna start seeing the walls move and stuff and I was like man, I'm a champ
But and here's the thing. I actually was a champ
But and here's the thing. I actually was a champ but that tummy ache came at the same time from all that shit
I ate so the whole night I was just dying like yeah. Oh my god

(07:36):
That was the worst just on not even the mushrooms in it just what you ate
I just thought you were gonna yeah, like they hit they clashed at the same time to hit and then my stomach
Did you feel anything like yeah, yes, I did but also I was more focused on my stomach. So dude, I'm falling over
And trying to and it was so bad. I couldn't even go. I'm just like dude. It was so bad

(07:57):
I just blinked and then was like eight in the morning and I was just like no not even a morning
It was six. Yeah, it was six o'clock and I was like, thank god
But then I realized I passed out and I didn't get to charge my phone another side of rush out
with a dead phone and everything
I found out yo, you can't do all were you shitting crazy try it and you couldn't oh

(08:18):
My god, have you shit since only once
Was it a big one no, no
Well how much you ate dude, I don't know how you get you some fiber. Yeah some apples. Yeah, I'm taking a sugar break
I'm a sugar addict and that definitely showed that night. Oh my gosh

(08:39):
That was that was a horrible night. I wouldn't wish that upon nobody
But it was like it was like oh here it is wrong moment. My stomach. So it was just hurting you couldn't
Yeah, I was like growing in that just passed out. That's the worst dude. We're gonna have to
Stage an intervention. Yeah, and I think mm-hmm. This is getting to be a problem. That was a horrible

(09:01):
Introduction to that chocolate right there. I don't think it had anything
To do with the chocolate man yeah, I told you ate so much chicken tender ribs chicken tenders
broccoli cheese broccoli and cheese cheese fries cheese fries cake pops
The cake fucking pop the mushroom chocolate. Yeah, and

(09:22):
Ben & Jerry's the Ben & Jerry's ice cream and the chocolate. No, it was a big chocolate bar this big
$5 it was and then you woke up the next morning. You're like man. That was the worst
Let me eat some cookies and drink this. Oh, no, that was all in the same day. That was just that was how I started
That's what you ate your for breakfast that day breakfast of champions. That is Red Bull and some M&M cookies

(09:45):
What what flavor Red Bull? Oh the plain one with the little race guy on it?
You never seen that like if you go there now as a race dude looking like this on the normal one
That's what I got. Oh
Yeah, big ass mistake. Yeah, I did
Poor it's just I got so hungry and I never been to Cheddar's and it was so good
It was I've never been either but everybody said it's gonna change. I've been too many times. Really too many times good

(10:11):
To you guys kind of made you want Cheddar's now. They got a good menu item the Monte Cristo
What's that deep-fried sandwich? Yeah, it ham turkey cheese
They deep-fry it powdered sugar on it with raspberry preserves on the side, dude. Oh my gosh, man
It's nice
That's a little too much right there
That's a little too much right there

(10:33):
Is Brandon fat shaming me right now dude? He's fucking food shaming me
Unreal
They deep-fry it like like so it's like like like fried chicken type but like a sandwich, right?
Yeah, it's like the bread is almost as if it's a croissant
Oh, you know, it's like a croissant style, but you know what they give you for free the appetizer the honey butter
Oh, yeah, that was the best. I had that to the list

(10:55):
But I had that too. It's that kind of bread, but it's got a little bit more integrity to it. It's a thicker cut
That's my favorite place right now, man
Like I gotta go back. I think you should take a
Sabbatical dude, do they give you a lot of food and how much it cost?
It was only 19 bucks and they gave you like a full slab of ribs full. Yeah like baby

(11:16):
Oh, well, I think that's right. I like my second time I have ribs really that Brandon
I've cooked ribs here for time
I know but you know like that I've been able to just get like a slab like that
Uh-huh, you know when I was young like ribs was like a thing that adults. Yeah. Yeah, you got hot dogs a hamburger
Yeah, they're like you get a little bit so they gave me a little bit
But I never had my own slab like that like big it was big Brennan has definitely ate a half slab over here

(11:38):
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I just keep yeah whenever I get a chance to some ribs now, man, I'm gonna go at him
I never had it like man now that I got that chance. That's like with chicken breast
You know whenever I see a chicken breast now and I get a chance with because back then I always had to eat thighs
Which is disgusting what thighs are better?
Juicier much too much fat and too much gristle

(12:00):
You like the breast. Oh, yeah, I love that breast. I'm a breast man. You like good old titty. I love titties
Both ways
I never see the intensity intensity of that. Yes magnitude and
And life. Yeah

(12:20):
It's amazing shit
Amazing I
Don't even know to say
He's kind of won me over man. Yeah, you agree. Oh, yeah foods up there man
There's a lot of good things like chicken tenders shit. Yeah, that's right there
I'm obsessed with it like I'm gonna learn how to master it like I'm asked to my mac and cheese

(12:40):
So yeah, we all want the best mac and cheese guy right here
We'll go at it we need to have
I'll make yours good though. It tastes they taste similar
Yours and mine
I'll teach you how to make ribs and they're cheap. You can get a slab of ribs for $9 and
Then it's easy as hell to make

(13:02):
Really easy and they always take every time you eat them now, it stays good, right?
And they're in the fucking oven you it's better on the grill, but you know, just do them in the oven
Yeah, that's what nine dollars about all you need is mustard
Get a little apple juice put them in the bottom mustard put your seasoning on there
well, war char siu sauce

(13:23):
and then
Bake them three about 350 for two and a half hours
open them up put the barbecue sauce on the on the bone side and then
Put the bone side first put the barbecue sauce and put it to 400 degrees 450 and let that
Like caramelize a little bit and then flip it over and do the other side at the end and I'm telling you every time

(13:48):
Every time banger and it's it's a quick way to do it now if you want to do it on grill
It's a different story, but it you know, I do it like that. Yeah
Wait, so like why is it like wait? So you said it's only nine bucks for ribs, right?
You go to get a slab of baby back ribs probably nine to thirteen dollars
Dang, but on the sides but yeah
Why I gotta spend 20 bucks at like tgi fridays or something because they're making them. Oh, okay. Okay

(14:10):
They're making them and you get sides
Oh, yeah, true. Yeah, you're right. It makes sense now
And the workers have to have money as well. They gotta get around we gotta get around
No, what else what else been going on?
Shit dude, nothing. I'm fucking tired all the time. I need to go to the doctor
They canceled my health insurance now

(14:33):
So, you know what I do? I fucking wake up and I persevere
Because I'm an american dude
Health insurance is overrated. Anyways, I don't need to go to the doctor. I just need a house
I think I think I just need an adderall prescription me too. I gotta get my blood pressure down before they give it to me
Yeah, yeah, I need to check my arms blood pressure. Yeah, I got a thing in there. Yeah, did I give you one?

(14:58):
You did
I'm pretty sure I gave you one. I remember that way. So what was it? What was it? Like one dose?
Yeah, it's a blood pressure. Oh, I never had one. No, I never got one. I didn't give it to you
That's not where you put it man
Well, you put it right there you put it on the upper arm. Oh, yeah, what are y'all trading medical technology for dude?
Well, they told me at the VA or like go go to this room and grab one

(15:19):
So I went and grabbed one and then they mailed one to me. So now I got two
I don't need to I've never used either one of them
So no, it's not any better. It's not even like just that high. It's like right on the borderline
I'm like give me the fucking adderall
I feel like there's a joke that could be made there
Yeah
With the fucking blood pressure machine like put it around your neck to choke yourself or something for in a sexual fashion

(15:41):
Hell yeah
Somebody doing it out there
Raina
Shout out Raina
She put me on uh, she asked me yes, like will you be on a show on uh, July 13th or whatever and it was uh, it's uh
By the pool and I was like, oh my god, I'm gonna be on a show

(16:03):
Um by the pool and I was like, well, i'm i'm gonna take my cute ass to the gym now and get ready for
And then she said uh, she was like you trying to be eye candy and I was like, are you calling me a peanut m&m?
What candy you guys think you would be peanut m&m. What about you? Yeah colorful gay

(16:25):
shiny who said you cuz you still is that still in the bio yeah who said they
thought I was really gay it was a was it if somebody's family member like
girlfriend or something was it a Jack's wife yes yes you were game that's funny

(16:47):
I forget until somebody tells me that's in there I totally forget that it's in
there and I'm gonna get you back get you back you son of a bitch a hard one to
come back from dude old and gay you gotta pick one bro you can't do both not
what the fuck were we talking about what type of candy oh yeah that's what we're

(17:10):
talking about yeah peanut M&M I feel like is good for you Brandon you would be
like a something wet hmm some type of wet candy ice cream no that's not that's
not countless candy oh wet candy I wouldn't go and get upset about it wet
candy wet wet wet candy wet cuz he's sweating I know what you're talking about

(17:30):
okay that uh what does that thing called that uh you ever had a juicy drop pop oh
yeah but it's gonna be the gummy one with the sticks you used when you don't know
about all that Google that cuz I don't know what it's like a sucker and it has
a liquid that you pour on it really yeah it was oh my gosh wait hold on do you
know about the baby bottle pops I don't know no no I don't know but pull up the

(17:53):
juke whatever you see job Dom might be a fucking fun dip cocaine
they're real good find the original one I've never that no that's not that's not
the original that's like some offshoot that's fucking some Vietnamese special

(18:14):
yeah that you pull it out of the bottom and you squeeze that stuff on there no
no they had good commercials man oh yeah amazing commercials and then that's the
baby right there you suck on a little like a bottle pop you do what to it
bring you got a suck on a little baby bottle bottle of suckle thing or whatever
bottle dollar general like the Gatorade dude oh yeah and then put it powder on

(18:48):
there too loop it up
dry rubly you ever use dry lube before never never I've never never used
that mm-hmm not even no never never even a real one normal loop what about the

(19:09):
butterscotch oil oh yes that's the only saying that butterscotch oil that I got
that from my pleasures yeah yeah yeah yeah but on Tuesdays but yeah Sunday's
gone that was the best one to try whatever the fuck you want to say and
then Tuesday's gone dude like first of all boxcar no no we still got shag

(19:35):
nasty's yeah I think there's gonna be open I think there's gonna be another
one but John that just hasn't announced it yet still got Wednesday and Thursday
yes we do fat Sammy that's the one I host with Alex Z for hidden dragon you'll be
on your own again next week mm-hmm yes I will good time mm-hmm did a great time
the last couple time where's Alex gonna be man remember he said he's going to

(20:04):
sweating or some sort but he's going back home he's going back home so I'll
be there for like a whole week I'm like dude going on vacation for more than four
days I don't give a fuck where you're going is it's terrible after four days
it's terrible it's nothing good unless you're like in a different country and
you're like like saying you're going to Europe and you're jumping to different
countries and stuff you got to take more than four but even then you're fucking

(20:27):
hurting you're ready to get back in your fucking bed every day after the third
day is like the same thing yeah it's like you wake up and say oh what are we
doing mm-hmm probably what we did the day before that but now you're drunk and
hungover and gay and shit it's not a good time you're running out of clothes

(20:49):
yeah it's not good dude it's not somebody already got into an argument
already oh it's especially if you go with every time you go more one person
what's it what's the best argument you've ever gotten in on vacation like
best or worst like the craziest one best for me I love I got I got an argue with
one of my exes because I wasn't flush in the toilet like I would I would yeah you

(21:14):
know and it was like a big thing and then we were in Hawaii and then I was
like and plus I bring the fucking beach house bitch didn't pay for anything and
then so like it was it wasn't even like I was peeing or I was just blowing my
nose and then put it in the toilet and I didn't flush it we're saving
saving water you know saying that's an island they lack that in Hawaii dude

(21:35):
yeah water I know man so it was like one of those things you know when you walk
she walks out to the beach and then I got to go out there I'm like it's a
fucking talk what do you do what we talking about yeah see that's why you
guys start pissing in the sink man that's what I've been preaching to the
longest that's true or outside yeah what's your what's yours and I can't I

(21:59):
can't really think enough because you know I haven't really traveled like I
can be with your parents oh my parents damn when is the time we've done well I
mean I guess I mean there's always argument we go out of town because it's
like sometimes I just be oh yeah I got what my mom complained because I kept on
like moving in my sleep and doing shit in the middle of the night like punching

(22:20):
in the air she just wake up kicking this shit because I used to oh shit yeah I
used to like sleepwalk and yell and shit like one time my grandmother told she
was like I walk past your door and when I walk past you yelled your low down
dirty dog and I was like I said that you like yeah and you sleep and yeah and one
time I woke up in the toilet too I don't know what happened in the

(22:42):
evening and the bike sitting on it and I was just my pants were down and stuff
I was like oh shit well time to go to class I thought you were on vacation
yeah oh yeah yeah I don't get around much so I'll just situations like
arguments stuff that people talk to me about take Brandon soon we get this
clown college fun all the way up we're taking Brandon somewhere you know you

(23:04):
know where I'm telling I'm thinking what they brand of Vegas will be a prostitute
before the end of the four days money I made down there where's yours what's
your craziest argument well most of the things I ran into is like we go
somewhere and all like everybody in the group except one person would be down

(23:27):
and the one person just wants to stay in the room oh yeah I don't understand
that the room is nice but it's only nice when like it's time to be in the room
yeah like I don't go somewhere just to be like oh yeah I'm gonna sit on this
fucking uncomfortable couch they got in here dude you only sleep on it dude with
severe sunburns yep and that's it yeah I want to go do activities and shit I want

(23:52):
to do the the e-bike tour on Groupon and shit I want to go to Shell Island and
feed a deer a honey bun which I did one time you know we got we get it was me
and my girlfriend at the time we went it's like a island right off Panama City
in Florida and it's just an island and it's not anything special that's really

(24:15):
it but there's wild deer there and they like to eat little Debbie cakes dude and
we fed him one our our tour guide the dude that was like the captain I guess
drunk as fuck like so drunk man and it was just me and like seven women no no
no it was not a good time no not a good time I found a crab I picked it up I

(24:38):
started chasing my girlfriend with it she wasn't happy about it and I had fun
oh snap I just realized I did travel one time at Trumbauer when everybody
thought I was special that's that's probably the worst time I mean the worst
experience I had travels when everybody's we trump trump what it was a
thing for a theater where we would travel I think it was Louie we went to

(24:59):
somewhere I forgot where the fuck it was somewhere we went to but we would
travel there and we were performed for like schools and theaters and colleges
and stuff and if they liked you they would try to give you like a scholarship
or something like that so I went down there we were doing a well this I'm
World War one play and I was like a prop guy there now I was doing a comedic
monologue cuz I was trying low-key getting the comedy some way but as I

(25:22):
was there everybody always thought I was like I remember one time it was so bad
that one lady was like oh look is brandy you got to go to the bathroom do you
want me to walk with you and I'm like no I don't want you to walk with me and
then people like I had my friend that I used to hang out with all the time and
then people like oh look he made a friend look at that guy I'm like dude I
know this guy and then I would sit by myself and everybody like oh man Brandon

(25:45):
what you sitting by yourself for come with us in the group and then I would go
it was man and then and then the dance was the word had a dance and I would
just mind my business everybody like brandy get in the middle of the corner
now all the teachers came everybody pulled me in the corner and try make me
dance and I was just trying to kill man. You were the dude that happens at every school that's just the

(26:06):
funniest part is that they were trying to get you to be that guy. Yeah I was the only black kid too.
Oh maybe they didn't think you were special they just wanted to include you. I thought it was just weird how they always wanted to walk with me when I wanted to walk by myself.
How old were you? The buddy. This was like my I think it was like the end of my sophomore year. In high school. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

(26:32):
Like high school. I'm like 15, 16 years old. Yeah about 16 years old. Like this was like yeah man that was like. This is really giving me flashbacks to when he was like it's called special ed.
I was telling y'all like yeah I was in this thing. I don't know if you guys have heard of it. They changed it it used to be now okay so special ed used to be special what they call it special needs now and

(27:01):
that's what I was I was in the special ed part where you got a little bit of extra they put you in the class and you get some extra help and stuff. Yeah and then I'd have to read it like old people and draw on straight lines.
He said that same thing last time. I don't think that's in the standard. I don't think that's in the standard. I'd have to be there like every beginning of class for an hour or two just begging to get out. Now when I was in college I got out and I wanted to get back.

(27:34):
They were like you really want to get out? I was like yeah and then they took me out and I was like I want to get back in. He's like Brooks from Shawshank Redemption. He was to institutionalize really operate any other way.
Oh God. Yeah that was. It started first grade. It started first grade. And sung to old people. Yeah.

(27:59):
Brandon we're not making fun of you. It's just the way that you say it. It's so fucking funny dude.
I know. It was a crazy. What other kind of assignments did you have? Okay so they would always make us like oh man I hate it. Sometimes the teacher would want to like sit with you in the class if you needed like sometimes they'd be like oh Brandon you're going to take the test. I want to sit with you make sure you can get the test right.

(28:24):
I don't want teachers to sit with me in front of everybody. And then one time they pulled me out of class. My mom was like man we think you might be autistic. Something's wrong with you. And then they were like but cheer up. The good doctor's on TV and you see he's doing fine.
He's an actor. Yeah he's an actor and that's fucking. What is that? Dr. Mavs shit. I'm struggling with Mavs. And all that dialogue. Dr. Mavs dude. Is he a doctor? I know but you got to know some stuff to be that doctor.

(28:52):
Yeah. Why do you keep on reverting to math? Because don't you have to know some math to do some doctor stuff? I'm sure you have to know a good amount but I don't think it's like the main thing. I know but I feel like I feel like there's more like because it's like you got to calculate how much you cut that person and like you got to calculate which part of the organ you're going to. You know how the surgery goes. Yeah I did it.

(29:15):
That's what I be thinking. So like plus it's a movie and show. I was like that's he made it. Dang thank you. Plus I'm nothing like that dude. I've seen it. I don't see what you got comparison from.
Well that's that. That's the end of this episode. To be continued. To be continued. Thank you guys. Scott Curtis up next. He's a bitch. Fuck him. Yeah. Don't like him. Don't like him.

(29:43):
Bad guy. He's bald man. Does this taste funny? Welcome to Does This Taste Funny with Kimberly Wilson. Hey. What we got going on here Kim? So this is a segment that was inspired by the egg drinking incident because it was so yeah bless poor JJ.

(30:09):
But it was such fun to watch these guys try new things and then we started talking on Ogres episode or no it was when JJ came on our show. We were talking about the different weird things that country people eat and all that.
And JJ is like I'm down to try new stuff. So y'all can blame JJ. We have. So now this is a segment and the background for the name of the segment is because the there were this is stupid street joke. I'm telling you now it's stupid. This is not my humor.

(30:41):
So shut up. Anyway two cannibals are eating the clown. One says the other one. Does this taste funny to you? So clown based humor hints the segment name.
Alright what we got. Oh no.
Let me say this. I probably know what this is. It's not cat food. Okay. I promise you that. This is all human food grade quality.

(31:07):
Alright so do y'all want to decide which one you're going to try first because I think you should each try a thing you know and then discuss that thing and then move on to the next.
The what is the tartar thing. Get that out the way. I think I know what this is. If I'd like it if it's what I think it is. Is it German? No.

(31:30):
Dude it's looking at.
JJ is acting like it has eyes. I gave my dog this yesterday man.
I think I shat this out yesterday. Cheers.
You might like it.

(31:51):
Brandon's not loving it.
Dom's alright with it. It's good.
Alright. Liverwurst.
It's close.
I'm going to bring in all three products and show them.
Do we have to face it with this?
You can. Yeah. Yeah. Take a little sip of your drink there.
Alright now.

(32:12):
I love how he's the one that said we should do this and he's already look at him. Look at the camera show me your face.
I don't like it. I don't like it either. That texture is like.
Okay so we got a don't like it don't like it. Finish this whole thing.
Come on man. Nah I don't like that.
Yeah y'all can do that too if you want to take a swig of water.
Don't need it Kim.
But wait you want to cleanse the palate so that you can enjoy the drink. Cause the drink is his own thing you know.

(32:39):
I'm glad you told me. I'm about to dig in.
Alright. Now have a little sip of your drink.
JJ you good man?
I'm already regretting this so much.
All of a sudden JJ is allergic to everything.
The taste of that was so strong dude.

(33:02):
Was it? It was strong.
It was okay.
That was a cheetah dude. That fucking cheetah shit.
I never tried nothing that great.
Alright so yeah do a little salute here.
Salute.
To try new things.
Don't shoot it. You need to taste it.
It's good.
Oh that's great.
It's like a cinnamon.

(33:23):
What do you think it tastes like?
Carrot cake.
Not far off.
Let me try it again.
That's good. I actually like that.
Gingerbread.
Pumpkin pie soda.
Okay.
I'm good with that.
That just means whatever that is is going to kill us.
Pumpkin pie soda.

(33:45):
I mess with that.
Yep.
Little sip of water.
See JJ it's not all going to be bad.
That's going to kill me.
I'm scared. They look like little chicken wings.
Yeah that's like a chicken wing cracker of some sort.
Alright.
This is going to be good.
Not a bad guess but there's a glaze on it.
It's sweating.

(34:06):
It's not liquid it's just shiny.
Shiny is interesting.
This is like a cricket turkey leg dude.
That's alright with me.
It's the smallest one dude.
Oh come on.

(34:28):
Spicy.
You know what let me get another one.
That's good.
There you go.
I don't know what it is.
It's not as bad but I'm still suspicious of it dude.
At first it tasted like sweet but now it's spicy.
The glaze I think is kind of a little bit sweet.
Yeah that's good.
Alright I'm going to get the container so you can see.

(34:50):
Uh oh.
What you've had.
Is it shrimp?
Delicious club crackers.
You're not far off.
You know he's allergic to shrimp.
He didn't say that.
I did not say that.
He didn't say that?
I'll be good.
I'll be good.
What did he say?
He got to say.
Alright so this is Lester Spixen pumpkin pie soda.

(35:11):
I actually like this.
So y'all can finish that off if you want to.
Then on the cracker you had Fortune brand cured pork liver pate.
Oh that's why.
Delicious.
Then the crackers.
I'm going by what it said on the shelf because I can't read this.

(35:33):
Basically it's squid with buffalo.
Oh man I like squid.
Squid is good.
I love squid.
See the cute little squid there.
So you're not allergic to squid are you?
Never have.
We'll find out dude.
Are you really allergic to shrimp?
I am.
I forgot to say.
Lucky for you we don't have shrimp today.

(35:55):
But that's important too.
This week's featured comedian.
I'm almost 60 and I started doing this when I was 52.
And you know when I told my wife she was pretty happy about it because it got me out of the house.
But I called my kids and said hey I'm doing stand up comedy now.
And they're like oh great dad that's fantastic.

(36:17):
You are always funny.
You got to keep the brain working and then as soon as they hang up they call my wife and say what's wrong with dad?
Has he had a stroke?
Is it time for us to come home?
JJ?

(36:38):
Yes.
We've got a really special guest today.
Yes we do.
Guys I don't know if you know this.
We are in the presence of Podcast Royalty.
Yes we are.
This is an award winning podcast.
Come on.
He did Open Mic Diaries.
The Behind the Bits podcast.
He hosted a virtual comedy competition during the pandemic.

(37:01):
I'm for realsies man.
I'm for realsies.
Guys today we have the amazing Scott Curtis.
Hell yeah.
Thank you.
You did research.
I forgot about that comedy competition.
Oh yeah dude we got more than that as well.
Yes we do.
How you doing Scott?

(37:23):
I'm good.
I'm really happy to be here.
This is a nice professional set up and you know you three guys you know you're reasonably nice.
Thank you.
I'm not like head over heels over any of you but you're all right.
We're a tough sell.
It's got to always like to introduce you.

(37:47):
You know I love your comedy.
You're so tight.
You're on time and the shit's hilarious.
It's silly.
That's my biggest thing about comedy.
I like smart.
I like all that but I love silly.
Yeah and you got silly with it all.
Kind of like a Steve Martin.
Oh yeah.
So yeah Steve was my second comedian that I like fell in love with.

(38:08):
My first was Tom Dreeson who he worked with Frank Sinatra for like 15 years at the end of Frank Sinatra's career.
But he's a Chicago guy and I found him accidentally on the Mike Douglas show which was an old old timey daytime show.

(38:29):
And he did this joke about never doing drugs because he was I don't remember.
He I always say it wrong.
A guy offered him drugs and he said what's that.
And he says well it's it's drugs and he says well what does it do.
He says it makes you feel like you got hit in the back of the head with a shovel.

(38:55):
So he passed.
And I saw him on there so then you know the only way you could find out where people were on TV was TV Guide.
So I always got to TV Guide soon as we got one and found out if Tom Dreeson was on.
So he'd do Carson he'd do Mike Douglas Dying of Shore all the all the shows that were on at that time.

(39:16):
And I'd watch him and I just thought he was the best.
And then I kind of forgot about him because you know things changed.
I got married and everything.
But after him it was David Letterman.
So Letterman was like my guy when even at the morning show.
So the morning show started when I was in my senior year high school and I would just leave school and go and watch it and come back.

(39:41):
David Letterman did the morning show.
Yeah.
I didn't know that for like three months.
Oh OK.
He didn't go over well.
I can see that.
And then when he started doing late night I you know I watched religiously and I've just been a fan of his like forever.
Yeah I love David Letterman.
Same here.

(40:02):
I grew up whenever the wars were going on.
So Jay Leno David Letterman they had this because David was going to get the Tonight Show gig.
Yeah.
And then Jay Leno hid in the closet while he was doing his interview with the tops right.
I remember that.
Brandon how the hell did you do that?

(40:23):
Research.
I researched all this.
You love it too.
Yes.
Like when you were talking about Mike Douglas and Johnny Carson I was just wondering man what was it like to like wait till like 12 at night or something whenever that went on and saw that.
I see Richard Pryor and Rob Williams, George Carlin.
Yeah it was.
So first of all you know we had one TV in the house.
And you know when I was young I wasn't supposed to be up.

(40:47):
You know and our house was really small.
My bedroom was right next to my mom and dad.
So sneaking out to watch TV was tough.
And but I did it.
And I'm glad I did because I did see all that kind of stuff.
I watched Carson whenever I could.
And I saw you got to find us on YouTube.

(41:08):
I saw the episode where Steve Martin came out.
He did his interview.
And then Johnny says well I hear you've got to go.
You've got something going on so you have to leave.
And he leaves.
And then they come back and Johnny is starting to announce the next guest.
And Steve comes from behind the curtain and he's just crying.

(41:30):
He's like I didn't really have anywhere to go.
I just I just I just wanted to be like the important people.
And find on YouTube I think if you find Steve Martin has to leave or something like that.
Steve Martin.
Carson.
It was just the most hilarious thing in the world.

(41:52):
And that's for some reason that solidified him for me as somebody that can do really weird shit that is not really part of his act.
So he could be you know he could be weird.
This was before he did movies.
He could be weird like just in real life.
Which made me feel better because I'm weird in real life.

(42:16):
Yes folks.
We are.
That's it right there.
You have to leave.
Man Brandon.
Oh yeah.
Fast fingers.
Super producer over there.
I have to try.
I didn't start getting into late night until it was like Conan O'Brien and Jay Leno were having the beef.

(42:38):
Conan had it for like a few months or something and then Leno came back.
Yeah.
And then Conan got his own show.
I love Conan O'Brien.
I love Conan O'Brien too.
I think it's hilarious.
Yeah.
His podcast is fantastic.
Oh yes it is.
I mean as good as he was at doing the talk shows because I watched all those too.
His long form interviews are just fantastic.

(42:59):
Because he's so smart.
Yeah.
But he has that same quality as you.
He's so smart but Conan's a silliest.
Yeah.
And that's why I love.
I mean and then like when you see him in the interview he's so on top of it.
Yeah.
Whenever he has a guest that he really likes oh man he's just going and going.
And like guys that you know but you really maybe like me I know who they are but sometimes like I've seen them before.

(43:24):
But I didn't know that they were this funny and they end up being like writers on a whole bunch of stuff.
They do a lot of spots acting here and there but they're hilarious.
I can't think of the guy's name right now.
He was just on there probably a couple like a month ago or something and they had the best rep.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And the thing I miss about the Conan talk show is Andy Richter because the stuff.

(43:47):
Their chemistry and the stuff between them was it was just beautiful.
I've never seen anything like it.
I like how Andy didn't care.
Like he put on like he didn't care at all.
He just shrugged.
And they say like when I watch podcast comedians say that Andy is hilarious.

(44:10):
Yeah.
Like he's the guy that you want to hang out with wherever you go somewhere.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I love.
So do you like the new like Jimmy Fallon.
I don't know who else they got.
Jimmy Kimmel.
And then.
James Corden.
Charlamagne.
Who?
They had a kind James Corden.
The late late show.
Yeah.
But that's gone now.
Colbert.
Yeah.

(44:31):
Call Colbert.
Do you like these guys?
I don't.
I don't.
Yeah.
And it's not.
So Kimmel I totally respect him because he was an uber letterman fan.
And I like I like his you know he's snarky.
He's you know really sarcastic.
I like his dry humor but I just can't sit through a talk show anymore because famous

(44:55):
people just bore the shit out of me.
Oh my god.
I do.
That's why Letterman was so good.
Yeah.
Because if he didn't like you.
Yeah.
You knew it.
Yeah.
You knew it on there.
And it's become you know it's just it's just so corporate now.
There's no there's no real stuff going on.
Mm hmm.
Yeah.
So that I just I don't watch talk shows anymore.

(45:15):
Yeah.
I used to religiously I and even though like I was a Letterman guy I still like Jay Leno.
It was funny like whenever he read the the paper.
Yeah.
He had good segments.
I liked it.
But but you always feel some type of way because like Letterman was my guy.
And then I'm like took the job.
I came on after that.

(45:35):
But like you know you go they had a whole movie about it.
Yeah.
Late.
Late night.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And there's a book there's a book about it.
It's really good too.
And I can't remember the guy who wrote it.
It's in my Kindle.
But but I've read like all the letterman shit.
Yeah.
Do you ever watch one guy I can't remember his name but he was the late night host he
was Scottish.

(45:56):
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
He's talking about Craig Ferguson.
He was good.
He was good.
Love Craig Ferguson.
He is good.
He's he's a good guy and he's very so that that British Scottish you know the whole European
humor it's different.
And and it's in a lot of ways I think it's better.
And Canadian humor is the same for me too because they I so when I did the podcast I

(46:22):
talked to a few Canadian comedians and you know I asked why because I used to listen
to JFL Channel on Sirius all the time.
I said I don't know why but I lean towards your humor more.
And one guy told me his name is Glenn Foster.
He said it's because we have to work harder.

(46:44):
But there is a culture thing you know in in Britain and Australia even more all the European
countries they you don't need like laughs per minute.
You need a story that a lot of awkwardness.
Yeah.
Love people interested and they're they're totally fine with waiting for the laugh and

(47:08):
you don't have to have all these tags and shit like that.
So you really get a story from most of them which is good.
I really like it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I like British TV shows like there's one I never hear anybody talk about it but it was
on it was on Netflix for a little while it's not on there anymore but it's called Borderline
and it's a it's it's pretty much the off like an already version of the office but instead

(47:30):
of office they're at the the airport.
Yeah.
And the characters in that are so fucking funny and you know what.
Yeah.
I don't know what it's on now like when I watched they got two seasons out you know
British they usually do what three and then that's it and they're short seasons.
Yeah.

(47:51):
Yeah.
They they're very good about not running a show into the ground.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We Americans want that money.
Yeah.
They'll keep it going.
Did you go no go.
Did you hear they make a new Austin Powers soon I heard.
Are they really.
Yeah with Mike Myers and everything.
Oh I did not.

(48:11):
Yeah.
I felt those though.
Yeah.
That's gonna be crazy.
I feel like.
Yeah that was definitely my child.
So that's another thing I mean he he comes out people are starting to say he was a dick
and Michael Myers.
Yeah.
And I'm like we're all dead.
I mean everybody's an asshole and when you're famous they just explode it you know they

(48:35):
make it like you know Ben Affleck didn't tip me at Starbucks or something and all of a
sudden it's you know page one news and and everybody's all over him and I just don't
get it because I mean we all have bad days you know I'm a dick like most of the time

(48:57):
and I just I don't understand why we've done this with famous people and yeah I'm actually
writing a joke about it so you'll hear it at an open mic someday.
Yeah.
Oh I can't wait out like one of your jokes I've said it on here before and it's a it's
right Saturday Night Live they're always talking about it's not funny anymore.

(49:17):
Yeah.
Yeah.
It was been like that.
It's never been.
If you get if you get two good sketches out of the hour.
Yeah.
That's good.
Yeah.
That's good money even when you've talked about when you had Will Ferrell and and all
of these big names who are like famous now they're not that good they call that like
they had a lot of famous people come from that era and but still they and then or they

(49:41):
would run sketches into the ground and then do it over and over and over.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So you you started comedy where'd you start in Indiana.
Yeah Indiana up in my first comedy gig was in Goshen Indiana and so I was 52 and I was

(50:03):
in Indiana and I worked at a place called Maple Tronics it was an IT managed service
provider and I worked there for almost 20 years.
So we had a company party every year and I never went.
I.
I.
I.
I.

(50:23):
I.
I.
I.
I.
I.
I.
I.
I.
I.
I.
I.
I'm just not super social I'm I'm social when I want to be but no I'm not going to go Sunday
to a company party and then have to go to work Monday and see them.

(50:44):
Yeah.
But so the guy who was doing the entertainment for the party is.
Nice young man named Michael Dunlap he's he's the one that got me started in comedy and
They had had a magician for like three years in a row.
So he came to me in the summer and said,

(51:06):
we want you to do comedy for the company party.
And I said, no, because I'm not a comedian.
I've never, you know, I like comedy.
And it's not like I'm even a comedy nerd.
I really, I like the people I like.
And you know, I never really went out
and tried to find new people or anything like that.
I just, you know, if I came across somebody I liked,

(51:28):
I'd watch them and laugh.
And so it wasn't like, you know,
I had Richard Pryor t-shirts and stuff like that.
I was just a regular guy, but I always, at our meetings,
I was always the guy that like broke the awkward silences
and just totally fucked up meetings with my humor.

(51:52):
And it was usually, it was almost always
shitting on somebody that was higher
up the food chain than me.
And so, you know, Michael said, okay.
And then it was like a month later, he said,
we really want you to do standup for the company party.

(52:14):
And I once again, I said, no.
And then a little bit more time goes by and he said,
he said, just really think about it, think about it.
So I went home and I told my wife,
this is the first time I said anything to her.
And she said, well, you know you want to do it.
And I'm like, I guess I do.
So I went ahead and said, I do it.
So this is like six months, no, not six months,

(52:36):
it's like four months before the party.
Because they did the company party in January,
right after Christmas.
And so they want me to do 45 minutes.
Wow.
That's crazy.
That's bad.
That's insane.
People out there, that is insane.
Yeah, yeah.

(52:57):
The only way I did it, so let's flash forward
to the day of the show.
So I had written some jokes.
I had watched some comedy.
And I didn't even know if there was an open mic in the South
Bend area, because I just didn't know.
So I never did an open mic, nothing like that.

(53:18):
So I wrote a few things.
And then I just kind of wrote roast for everybody.
And this was like a uber Christian organization.
So I had to be careful.
I couldn't step over line.
Yeah, so I was as nice as I could about the roast.

(53:39):
But I am not a nervous person at all.
The day of the show, I woke up and my wife said,
I was like white as a ghost.
And my eyes were like saucers.
And I was just a wreck.

(53:59):
I'm like, I can go up and do 45 minutes.
It didn't dawn on me till that day.
So this was a January that Lake Michigan almost completely
froze over.
It had been subzero weather for like three weeks.
And so I said, well, let's go for a hike.
And so we went to Lake Michigan to see the ice shells and stuff

(54:24):
like that.
And we hiked.
And I came back.
And I was better.
And I went and did the show.
And I guess it was OK.
You know, a couple of people said,
yeah, that roast was pretty funny and stuff like that.
I don't think I tore the world down or anything like that.
I think it was just funny that I went up there.

(54:45):
Yeah, but you did 45.
Yeah, I did pretty close to 45.
I don't think I hit that mark.
Anywhere close to that is insane.
For your first time in a while.
Especially your first time.
For me right now, year in year, if I had to do 45
after 15 minutes, I was like, oh, OK.
I can barely get through a 45-minute podcast.
I don't want to get stand up in front of people for 45 minutes.

(55:08):
I can only imagine.
But after that, I'm like, I want to be a comedian now.
So then I started finding open mics.
And we had the Drop Comedy Club.
So I did that mic.
And there was a mic at a coffee house.
And so I did that stuff.
And then I got really close with a lot of the comics

(55:28):
there because I'm old, but I'm not like a real boomer.
I'm all about causes.
And I've got a Black Lives Matter sticker.
And I've got one of the buttons for the LGBTQ stuff.

(55:51):
I wear a lot.
It's just how I am.
And that's kind of how I came up.
So my parents were just not great.
I'll leave it at that.
They weren't real good.
But I hung out with my grandma a lot.
And she and my grandpa were socialists.

(56:12):
And all of their friends were gay.
Every single one of them were gay.
So this is back in the 20s, guys.
Yeah.
This is 80s.
So I was around gay people a lot.
And so I didn't think anything of it, really,
because it was from the time I was young.

(56:33):
So when you experience stuff when you're young,
that hatred doesn't build up.
And so I was just totally cool with all that.
And then when I started, I got in high school and stuff
like that.
And I was like, everybody gay bashes.
And my high school was all white.

(56:55):
I was in a small town.
Everybody was all white.
And the N-word was used like an adjective all the time.
And I was just like, I didn't understand it.
And so that hate stuff never really clung on to me.
So in meeting these folks, when I walk up to a person,

(57:18):
people automatically think conservative white nationalists.
That's just what I look like.
I get it.
Yeah.
I get it.
I see.
And so that's not what I am.
But I'm also not somebody who's going to prove.
I'm not going to prove to you what I am.

(57:38):
I'm just like, whatever.
I don't care if you like me or not.
I like that.
But it took a little while.
But I started really gelling with these kids.
And it was really, really nice.
And my objectives for comedy have been pretty small.

(58:02):
I don't want to be a big star or anything.
I just want to be funny when I go up there.
Which you are.
Yeah.
Funny as hell.
Thanks.
But I started putting on shows just
so I could get them up there.
And I'd bring in headliners from Chicago once in a while.
And then I'd do a showcase once in a while.
And so I was doing that kind of stuff.

(58:22):
And then we decided to move.
And that was after the pandemic.
And we had talked about it a little bit before that.
But we really talked about it.
And we're like, OK, what's keeping us here?
We've got one kid in the DC area and one kid in Huntsville.
And nothing else is really keeping us.

(58:43):
And so we finally said, OK, let's do it.
And no plans.
Nothing like that.
I didn't even know if I could get a job.
Because I was old.
I hadn't applied for a job in like 25 years.
So it was like, what's that?
And I got a job right away.

(59:03):
And Lisa was able to stay with her company.
And she'd been with them for like 23 years.
So she was able to stay with them.
And we came down.
And once we got settled, I was like,
yeah, I'd like to do some comedy.
And I went out a few times.
And I was like, man, I'm just not feeling it.
And a lot of it was because my comedy persona in South Bend

(59:25):
was like super clean.
And it was super clean and goofy, I'd say.
So being super clean and goofy is fine.
But that's not what I am.
I want to gently do some commentary on boomers
and stuff like that.
I don't want to be like in your face.

(59:46):
I don't want to be like Louis Black.
Yeah.
Oh, I love him.
I've seen him a bunch of times.
I love him.
But I don't think I could pull that off.
So I just want to just gently lift up
young people while pushing my generation down the peg
because we need to be.

(01:00:06):
And so I started writing different stuff.
And then I just still wasn't feeling it.
And of course, the bout of depression I had in 2023
just pretty much laid me out.
I could work and eat and sleep.
And that was about it.
So I was in such bad shape that there was no getting me out.

(01:00:32):
I probably did like three open mics in 2023.
Damn.
And then I started going to a therapist
and talking to friends and stuff like that,
getting my meds changed.
And good stuff.
And just finally deciding, hey, I'm
not going to be this guy anymore.
So then I started getting back into it.
And now my expectations were really low.

(01:00:57):
But then I really started having fun.
It's about time you guys started getting on the scene.
And I started really having fun watching you.
And then I had a ton of fun playing around
with different jokes and stuff like that.
It's like comedy became fun again.
And so that's why I've kind of thrown myself into it more.

(01:01:22):
And here I am today.
Hell, yeah.
We're glad you're here, man.
That's what I was about to say.
Very glad.
I remember when I met you, it was at Rocket Republic.
Yeah.
That open mic.
Yeah.
And you came up to me.
And I first started, and you were like that Sir Mix-A-Lot
joke with the, you know how in rap songs
they start with like this is a certified hood classic?

(01:01:43):
My entire joke was like, who would be the board of directors
to decide?
I never heard that.
Nights of the Round Table.
I did it that one time.
I never did it again.
You should pull that back up.
Maybe, dude.
P. Diddy will be on there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh my gosh.
Yeah.
Yeah, but no, you were very supportive.
You're very supportive.

(01:02:03):
And that was a time where I really didn't know
anybody who was doing it.
Yeah.
Yeah, I remember that night.
I never remember the joke until you say it,
but I remember that night.
And I think Brandon came along pretty close to that time.
Yeah.
He may have been at that mic.
What, the Rocker Republic?
Yeah.
Yeah, I was there.
Yeah.
And then I think Dom came on like a couple months later.

(01:02:27):
Probably a month later.
Yeah.
And then there was more mics and stuff like that to do.
And I just really liked watching you guys.
The thing I have trouble with is I'm just not a real social guy.
And talking before the mic and talking after the mic

(01:02:49):
and going out, it's just not my thing.
And so a lot of people, I think, get the impression
that I just want to go up and do my thing,
and I don't care about anybody else.
But I really do.
And I just really, I'm at the point in my life
where I just have to be exactly who I am.

(01:03:11):
Yeah.
I can fake it, because I'm kind of in a sales role now.
And I can totally turn on the charm
and be not as whatever is wrong with me as I am.
I'm, but it takes a lot of energy.
And so when I'm doing my thing, it's just like,

(01:03:31):
I'm going to be me.
You come there, you do your set, and watch comedians
as much as you want to, and then roll out.
Nothing wrong with that at all.
Yeah, I love it that you just, that's what you do.
Like you said, you don't got time to fucking try
to appease everybody else.
You do it, and you're funny.
Really funny.
And you have a joke about it, which is funny.

(01:03:53):
So this is true.
So that joke was, I was doing Jonathan's open mic
at the Speakeasy.
And I was going to be on the showcase at Stand Up Live.
Yeah, we were on that together.
Yeah.
And I'm walking up to the stage, and that joke

(01:04:16):
jumped into my head.
The whole fucking joke just jumped into my head.
Part one of the joke, I should say.
So I say, do you, my buddy says, do you
hang around with the young guys after the show?
No.
But the second part, where do you think

(01:04:36):
you're missing something, that came right after that night.
And I was like, do I put this in the showcase?
And after I thought about it, I was like, I have to.
It's almost like it came from the heavens
to be told.
So yeah, so I did it there.

(01:04:57):
And yeah.
Crushed.
Crushed.
One, well, you got the host, the open mic, the best comedian
from that showcase.
Hell yeah.
So he whooped my ass.
But you killed it.
I could hear the laughs from the green room,
because this is my first time in the green room,
so I'm staying here.

(01:05:18):
That was my first, too.
I know you signed the wall.
Yeah, somewhere.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Very small, very small print.
Humble size.
Yeah.
Well, hell yeah, you smashed it.
And you killed it as the host.
Because that's a different muscle.

(01:05:39):
Yeah, and I didn't really get a whole lot of expectations.
So I didn't know what I was supposed to do.
And then Scott said, you can stay
stuffed between the comics.
So I just thought, OK, I'll just say ridiculous shit
between the comics.
Yeah, and it worked.
I remember you had a hat that didn't have a logo.
Yeah.
And Tom Carr, the man with a hat without a logo,

(01:06:03):
because he don't need no damn logo.
Yo, so you know I'm a jazz guy and stuff like that.
And I saw that you do impressions
like Dean Martin impressions.
Yeah, I don't really do Dean Martin impressions.
So I did a talk show called the BTB Internet Talk

(01:06:23):
Show during the pandemic.
And I'd have comics on.
I'd have other podcasters on, stuff like that.
And for some dumbass reason, I decided
that Dean Martin was going to be part of the show.
So I would say, everybody thought
Dean Martin died in 1997.
What we didn't know is he was cryogenically frozen.

(01:06:45):
And he was cryogenically frozen.
And just a few weeks ago, he was thought out.
He doesn't have any money.
So he asked me if he could stay with me for a while.
And here's Dean Martin.
Hey, I'm Dean.
So it was a purposefully bad impression of Dean Martin.

(01:07:07):
And I know nothing about Dean Martin
other than I've listened to his albums.
And I watched a Dean Martin roast and shit like that.
So people would ask me, what about your first wife?
I'm like, I don't know who the fuck she is.
Being cryogenically frozen means that I forgot some stuff.
So I would just bring that up.
And it was almost like an Andy Kaufman type thing

(01:07:30):
because the guests didn't like it.
The listeners didn't like it.
And they kept doing it.
I loved that, dude.
That was respect.
That is my favorite thing.
Like even I have jokes that don't work.
I have a lot of those.
I tell them for that reason specifically.
That's how I got started with comedy.

(01:07:51):
I'd be out with my friends at a restaurant.
The waitress would come over.
And I lived with my grandparents.
And elderly people do this thing where
they like to tell you all the tragic shit that's
happened to them in their life or some horrendous medical
problem they have.
And so the server would come over and be like,
oh, do you need anything?
I'd be like, yeah, can I get a refill on Diet Pepsi?
And my mother left me as a child.

(01:08:13):
And they'd say it just like that.
And my friends are like, what the fuck are you doing?
It made them angry.
But it brought me so much joy.
Sometimes you got to do something for you.
It's about self-care.
It's about self-care.
That's funny.
I had people before the show, because they had watched it,
they were like, why do you still do that Dean Martin shit?

(01:08:36):
It was never funny.
It's never going to be funny.
Yeah, I know.
It's what we keep doing.
That's part of having fun with it, though.
You have to do things that you enjoy,
even if it's not going to help you with getting laughs
or whatever.
You got to say shit like that.
It keeps it fun.
For you, yeah.

(01:08:58):
I just did it on the live show, on our first big show.
Talked about the ball wax.
When I tell you, I say this stupid shit.
I'm like, I like to sit, if I don't have anything
to do for three days and not take a shower.
And you get, they call it ball cheese,
I think it's more of a wax.
And then everybody I tell it to gets extremely grossed out.

(01:09:18):
I saw the opportunity at the live show,
and this one girl that was sitting in the front,
when I tell you, she was like, so disgusted.
But in my heart, I was just like, yeah.
Yeah, well, you got a reaction.
Yeah, I got a reaction.
You always use the same word when doing the ball wax thing.
You say that it smells intoxicating.

(01:09:39):
Yeah, it is.
Nobody likes that.
Nobody likes it.
I know you love it.
Look at him smiling right now.
It brings me joy.
I like when you do that, it'll wake you up.
It'll open you up.
It'll open you up.
It'll open you up.
It's kind of like J.J.'s pussy sickles.
Oh, I got it.
The coochie sickles.
I love that.

(01:09:59):
I'll never stop doing that.
That'll be my closer for the next 13 years.
I love that.
Every time you say, do you experience,
what do you, do you say coochie sickles?
Have you ever experienced coochie sickles?
Yeah, yeah.
They'll look at me like this.
Yeah.
Like, let me explain.
Yeah.
Oh, so I was listening to my,

(01:10:23):
one of my favorite bands, Volk this morning, and.
Oh snap.
Best damn two-piece band in the world.
Oh, snap.
Oh snap.
Oh snap.
Who'd you compare them to?
Chains.
Alice in Chains?
No, not Alice in Chains.

(01:10:43):
Who'd you compare them to when you're talking to Sam Talent?
Oh shit, I don't remember.
I don't know, but it does sound like who you were,
cause I listened to them too.
They call themselves cow punk.
And.
Cow punk.
It's just, it's beautiful.
Yeah, it is nice.
I was listening to it this morning.
I was listening to.
I think maybe the White Stripes and like.
Yeah, that's what it was.
That's what you said, the White Stripes.
White Stripes and Dwight Yocum or something like that.

(01:11:05):
Yeah, but yeah, I absolutely fell in love with them.
It's kind of a neat, kind of a neat story.
So I discovered this band, Brother O' Brother,
who played in Goshen at, there's a record shop there
that they pull all the records out
and have bands there sometimes.
And they played that and another two piece band,

(01:11:29):
very psychedelic, fuzz guitar, very hard.
And so they, the guitar player for them
also runs a record company called Romanus Records,
or Romanus or whatever the fuck it is.
And he does these custom vinyl prints.
So he does it for bands.

(01:11:52):
He does one comedian.
I can't remember the comedian's name,
but like he did one for King Gizzard,
Wizard.
Lizard Wizard.
Yeah.
Lizard Wizard.
Yeah, there you go.
So he does custom stuff for them every single album.
But he did one with them where I think there was a drop
of real blood in it.

(01:12:12):
And then there was red stuff in it.
He did one that had lights with a remote control
that you could change the lights and the colors
and the strobes and stuff like that.
So he does this and he's actually gotten really, really hot
in the last few years.

(01:12:33):
He wasn't so much then, he was just starting out.
But Volk was on his label.
So they had Romanus, Romanus Fest in Indianapolis
years ago.
And we drove down for it.
And that's the first time I saw Volk.
And I didn't even know who they were.
And they're in this little record shop doing,

(01:12:57):
I think Honeybee was a song.
Yep.
That's what I listened to.
Yeah, and I was like, holy fuck,
I gotta know these people.
And so I started talking to them, we became friendly.
And I've gone to see them in Nashville a couple times.
Oh, so you actually talked to the, like, really talked to them?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.

(01:13:18):
Chris and Elliot, I know.
Yeah, I don't dislike the band, I know them.
But if I didn't know them, I'd still love the band.
And they're out there, they're working with the Supersuckers
and another band right now.
But I just wanna see them be the headliner.
Yeah.

(01:13:38):
But yeah, I think they're the best thing ever.
Brother of Brothers is really good too,
but they don't play as much as they used to
because Chris is doing the records so much.
I thought this was, this is you're talking about
Brother O' Brother.
Yeah.
I thought that was Tim Dillon, like he lost weight.
Yeah.
And then you got Mad Dog for rustling.
Yeah.
So a friend of mine in South Bend,

(01:13:58):
so he had the bar that I did the comedy shows,
but it was a rock bar,
and it had like the best sound system in the world.
So twice, I had those guys come up and play.
And one time it was like, I think it was February,
and there was a really bad snowstorm.
I was surprised they even made it.
And there was like maybe 25 of us in the audience.

(01:14:21):
And I was like, man, you know,
I'm glad you're getting a minimum
because Jeff, my friend that had the bar, has a minimum.
So I knew at least they were getting paid to come.
But they put on a great show and then they came back.
And I think there was even less people there.
And it was like in the summer.
And I was like, what the fuck?
And I'm like,
I'm never gonna recommend a band play a bar anymore

(01:14:43):
because apparently I don't have any taste in music.
But they came both times and knocked it out of the park.
Hell yeah.
Hell yeah.
So is cow punk, is that like Southern style punk music?
Yeah, I mean, so these guys, I mean, when they started,
they did like, you know, traditional acoustic shit.

(01:15:07):
They met in Germany and they, I mean,
they were just doing like regular kind of country
bluegrass type stuff.
And then they've morphed into this.
And you know, there's a country twang to a lot of it,
but a lot of it's, you know, it's so fuzzed up
and you know, just really psychedelic and nuts

(01:15:28):
that it's more on the punk than the cow, I think.
But yeah, it's good stuff.
Have you heard of the new blossoming genre
referred to as y'all alternative?
No.
It's like Southern alternative.
They call it y'all alternative.
It's this whole subculture of like people from the South

(01:15:48):
who have like, you know, Southern aspects about them,
but are also like super alternative.
They like emo country music and shit like that.
It's pretty good.
Yeah.
I love alternative.
These guys, this is probably a muscle show.
Okay.
Go down to the picture that yeah,
I see what you looking at right now.

(01:16:08):
Is that what you wanted me to click on?
No, guys, we're trying to be serious.
She is not wearing the pants that I like.
I was just about to say that.
Be it pants is a women's pants.
Yeah, you gotta come out and see Scott Curtis.
He has a whole bunch of good shit.
Did you ever find the Batman ring you swallowed?
Yeah, I was wondering about that.

(01:16:30):
Did you pass that?
Man, how deep did you guys go?
Deep, deep.
So no, so I swallowed it.
My mom grabbed me and she had nails like this.
She grabbed me and put her finger down my throat,
got it with her nail and scratched my throat
at the same time.
And so I didn't actually,
it didn't actually go all the way down.

(01:16:53):
What did I talk about that shit?
So what year was that?
I was probably four or five years old.
Okay, so one, two.
So you were born, so this is 1963, 1964.
I was born in 64.
Oh shit, I thought it was.
It would have been like 68.
68, that's a good year.
He's the oldest young person.
Yeah.
I'll tell you about old shit.

(01:17:14):
Whenever we play this back, I'm gonna go to his camera
whenever you start talking about Johnny Carson and shit.
His eyes are just like, he's so ready to come out.
You said you're a Richard Pryor fan, right?
Yeah.
So after this, yeah, because I got the original
album of that nigga's crazy.
And yeah, I got a bunch of his albums,
especially the one in 1968 that he first released.

(01:17:34):
I can't wait to see, man.
This is Red Fox too, if you like him.
Yeah, so Red Fox and Flip Wilson
were actually my first comedians.
Really?
My first first, because my mom and dad had their eight tracks.
Wow.
And Flip Wilson did a joke about
some guy that had a knob in his belly button

(01:17:56):
and people kept asking him what it's about, what it's about.
And then somebody finally grabbed the knob
and his ass fell off.
And it's not funny the way I say it,
but Flip Wilson was really good.
Oh, he was funny as hell.
And Red Fox, I just watched, after Sanford and Son,
he had a variety show.

(01:18:18):
There's some of that in YouTube
and I was watching some of that shit.
And that guy is just, I mean,
he's like the original OG I don't give a fuck.
And he's just up there on stage.
And one of the ones I watched, somebody asked him,
will you ever go back to Sanford and Son?
And they're taping and he's like, fuck CBS.

(01:18:42):
So they had to wait, man.
And then he said, no ma'am,
I will never be going back to Sanford.
I heard that got him in trouble though,
because you remember at the end,
he died with no money really, because of those taxes.
Oh yeah, yeah.
Yeah man, that was.
Well, he was a party guy too.
Yeah.

(01:19:02):
And I loved that.
I loved him.
I never missed Sanford and Son.
I loved that.
Grady was great.
Lamont was really just a shitty actor.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
It looked like he was reading cute cards all the time.
But when you go back and watch it when you're a kid,
you don't notice that.

(01:19:23):
But yeah, Red Fox was great.
I loved him.
Of the old timers,
Red Fox is always gonna be my favorite.
Cause like you said, he just doesn't give a fuck.
And he's not, this is what,
cause I'm not like this,
but some people are just naturally funny.
You know you got Bernie Mac.
You got these people who are just like,

(01:19:43):
if you were sitting in the room with them,
I don't care who's in there,
whoever the greatest comedians are,
they're gonna be the funniest people in the room.
And I love those types of people.
I love to be around them.
Yeah, Red Fox was fantastic.
And Flip Wilson was very underrated.
But both of them.
What else was Flip in?
He had his own show, the Flip Wilson show.
I remember that.
Yeah, he had the Flip Wilson show.

(01:20:05):
It's a movie I'm thinking.
I'm finna say it for you.
He guested on a lot of like Bob Hope shows and stuff like that.
Oh, that's right.
I knew him.
I used to watch.
I'm not that old,
but I grew up on,
when you was talking about Dean Martin,
Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis.
Every movie they ever made,
my mom had them in a cassette tape.
Like the one they went,
the Navy gets to the Navy.

(01:20:27):
The Army gets to Beans, Beans, Beans.
And I used to just love it.
I'm like, this is in the 90s too,
and I'm up here talking about Navy.
It's a black and white show, I mean movie.
But I loved, in the Nick,
we got lucky to have Nick.
I don't know if they have that now.
We had Nick at Night, like Bob, Bob Hope,
Bob Newhart, Mary, Mary Tyler Moore.

(01:20:47):
I Love Lucy, Taxi, which was,
Taxi was I probably shouldn't have been watching,
but I love Taxi.
Yeah, all that stuff.
I don't think, do they have that for you guys?
Yeah, there was Nick at Night when I was growing up,
and it was like the George Lopez show.
Oh, dang, that's incredible.
Lowrider, Full House.
What else was on there?
Full House.
I can't remember the names of the shows,

(01:21:08):
but I remember watching them.
Okay, okay.
Friends was on there.
Oh my God.
Now SpongeBob is on there, which is weird.
Well yeah, I mean the older episodes,
because they got some crazy shit in those, man.
They really do.
Maybe I'm getting old.
Yeah, I would watch, like,
or listen to my grandpa's CDs, his comedy CDs.

(01:21:28):
We'd listen to them together.
But they were all clean comics,
but they were hilarious, man.
Hilarious, like those storytelling,
not everything's funny,
but it leads up to this big, goofy punchline,
and it's just in your face kind of slapstick stuff.
But I love that.
I still listen to those.
So you like, you read a lot.
Yeah.

(01:21:48):
Stephen King, your favorite?
Yeah.
Yeah, what's your favorite book by Stephen?
Or series?
Well, it's the whole Dark Tower series,
the Gunslinger series, yeah.
You didn't like when they made the movie?
No.
A lot of people did not like that.
It was a bad movie.
But Stephen King movies, I like thinner.

(01:22:11):
Thinner was good.
Thinner was good, right?
Kujo.
Kujo was fucking awesome.
What's the high, with the cars and shit?
Christine.
Christine was good.
No, not Christine.
I have.
Oh, Maximal Overdrive?
Maximal Overdrive.
Yeah.
So that wasn't, I don't think that came from a book.
It might have came from a short story,
but yeah, I think it was a short story of his.

(01:22:33):
But that movie, it was so funny.
It just got totally panned by the critics when it came out.
And I still watch that once in a while.
Have you ever seen it?
Yeah.
What's it called?
Maximum Overdrive?
It's whenever, is it all electronics?
Yeah, all electronics.
All electronics turn against everybody.
Oh, that'd be good.
It probably still holds up.
I haven't seen it in a while.
Yeah, I remember that great, yes, dude, the truck.

(01:22:56):
Dude, and they just come after you.
I think they're stuck in a diner.
Yeah, it's a gas station diner.
Gas station diner, dude, it was good.
Have you ever seen Thinner?
Is that the one where the guy keeps stepping on the scale
and he gets closer and closer to zero?
Yeah.
God, he gets a hex put on him.
Yeah, he gets cursed, yeah.
And I know that that's my favorite one.

(01:23:18):
I might be thinking of something else.
I think it's called Elevation or Elevate or something.
But my favorite Stephen King is 1922.
The short story and they made a movie about it on Netflix.
That's good.
It's really good.
1922, dude, that's good.
They're in a raw area there in a cornfield.
This isn't a spoiler.

(01:23:38):
It happens within the first five minutes of the movie,
or maybe not the first five minutes.
But the son and the dad, they end up
killing the mom because she's like a bitch.
And the guilt just eats away at them,
and they start hallucinating and stuff.
It's really good.
This was on Netflix, one of the few good Netflix originals.
The short story is really good, too.
It was really good.

(01:23:59):
What's that?
The lawn mowing.
Oh, dude, the lawn mowing.
That was nice.
Jeff Faye.
Yeah, yeah.
That was his best movie, I think.
Really?
Yeah.
I think I need to watch that again.
I haven't seen Lawn Mowing Man in so long.
But I remember those two.
That dude was in everything in the late 80s.

(01:24:19):
Yeah, he was.
That is not what I thought it was going to look like.
It's like that Owen Wilson movie.
I forgot what they called it.
That's the one that Stephen King sued to have his name removed.
For real?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh my gosh.
So is that dad, dude?
Damn.
Look at those graphics over there, dude.
Let me click on that one real quick.
What the?

(01:24:40):
Like, place this in town.
There's one out, and this came out probably six or seven
years ago called Cell.
And it's got, um.
The J-Lo?
It's got, um, what's the guy's name?
He was in Say Anything, the one with the boombox.
Cusack.
Right here.

(01:25:00):
This right here.
John Cusack and.
Sam.
Samuel L. Jackson.
Samuel L. Jackson.
And so that movie got panned.
I thought it was pretty good.
So I like really bad horror movies anyway.
So I'll watch the ones on Tubi and all that kind of shit.
Oh, shit.
You go deep.
But this movie was OK.
But the book, Stephen King wants to remove himself from it

(01:25:24):
because this is after the accident,
and he was on drugs really bad.
So he got hooked on the pain pills and stuff like that.
And he wrote this while he was on pain pills.
So he hates the book.
So therefore, he hates the movie.
But I thought it was a pretty good book.
And the movie was good, too.

(01:25:45):
I'm going to take that out.
I don't know if you guys have seen this, but this was,
Brandon, you probably know what I'm talking about.
Epic rap battles of history.
Oh, man.
Have you guys heard of this?
I've heard of it.
It's a YouTube channel.
It was super famous for my generation.
They would take two people from throughout history,
and they would freestyle rap battle against each other.

(01:26:05):
And it would be people pretending to be them.
It was Stephen King versus Edgar Allan Poe.
And Edgar Allan Poe shit on Stephen King
for one of those movies.
And it was hilarious.
You'll love it, Dom.
Trust me, man.
Look, 54 million views, dude.
Damn.
Those are Super Bowl numbers, man.
Wow.
Yeah, I'll have to check that out.

(01:26:26):
Because I like, like, they do something else like this.
Like with superheroes or like a-
The death battle where they fight or-
Oh, come on, injustice?
Celebrity death match.
Oh, shit.
I remember those days.
These videos are very well made.
They're hilarious.
The raps, like, they go deep cuts.

(01:26:47):
My favorite is Marilyn Monroe versus Cleopatra,
because it's the most random shit.
But it's just really good writing.
That's really cool.
I'll check that out.
All right, Scott.
This is the end of the episode.
When you see Ghostly Muhammad Ali,
that means it's time to wrap it up.
What is the- it's the black and white Muhammad Ali.
Yeah, this is Target exclusive limited edition

(01:27:09):
black and white Muhammad Ali.
There's two versions.
You got the colored one,
and then you got the black and white
when he beat Sonny Liston.
I got that.
We don't say colored.
Oh, no.
Outdated me.
Well, paint it.
Paint it.
Paint it.
I guess you're black, so you can say that.
Yes.

(01:27:30):
What's funny is that Brandon's the most likely to join
a white nationalist group.
No.
Yeah, you get tricked.
You get tricked.
They say we have the WWE Network, and he got weed.
I'd be like, how much weed is that?
Yeah, they have that.
I remember when you people knew your place.
And he's talking to his dad.

(01:27:51):
Oh, my God.
Oh, good.
All right, so what you're going to do right now,
anything you got- this will be out on next Monday.
OK.
Anything you got coming up, your socials,
anything you want them to follow right in that camera right
there.
Hi.
I've got socials, and I'm going to be on a show.

(01:28:11):
Thanks.
I'm going to be at the pizza place, Grimaldi's,
on the 29th of this month.
And I've got, I guess my Instagram is what I do the most.
And that is I've changed the name four times.
And I think it's, what is it?
Scott Curtis' skits?
Or?

(01:28:32):
It's Instagram is Open Mic Diaries.
It used to be, but now it's changed.
Scott Comedy Skits.
Scott Comedy Skits.
I'm still going to do Open Mic Diaries,
but I haven't recorded one of those in a long time.
And I only do what I want to do now.
So I am so glad I don't podcast anymore.

(01:28:53):
I am so glad.
I miss it so little.
And I've got probably $3,000 worth of podcast equipment
sitting there doing not a whole lot.
We might have to invest with you, Scott.
You could don't.
A joint venture.
Yeah, yeah.
Hell yeah, man.

(01:29:14):
Hey, thank you so much for coming on.
This was a blast.
Yeah, it was a lot of fun.
Really good time.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
I like you guys slightly more than we did at the beginning.
Very slightly.
Don't stop them.
Don't stop them.
All right, so this is where we're going to do the, like,
it's over.
That episode is going to be over right now.
But right now, where we do the beef.

(01:29:35):
Yeah, the beef.
I want to see if like, we'll do something like,
you say, don't cut me off.
I'm trying to make this shit.
You know what I'm saying?
Something like that.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
OK.
OK.
And then you guys, like, hey, guys, chill out.
Me and Brandon just look at each other.
The fuck?
Yeah.
OK.
OK.
I can do that.
Yeah, so then I wrote that Edibles joke.
You remember that?

(01:29:55):
I love that joke.
I love that.
So do you want me to finish a story on this shit or what?
He was just saying he loved the joke.
Yeah, he was just trying to help you, man.
Yeah, but when I'm in the middle of a thought,
I am trying to say what I need to say.
And you're, oh, I love that shit.

(01:30:15):
What's up with you, JJ?
That's encouragement, man.
Yeah, you're trying to do this in the pocket.
I'm going to ask you some stuff.
Trying to just be.
Support.
Be fucking fun.
So you guys aren't going to let me talk then?
I drove all the way out here from South Huntsville,
and you're not going to let me talk?
I knew it was going to be like this.
You can talk, but I mean, shit, man.
Come on.
It's your interview, man.
Yeah, it's my interview.

(01:30:35):
So what I want you to do is interview me.
So what you do, this is how podcasts work.
You ask a question, and then you allow the guests
to actually answer the question.
All right, I got a question for you, man.
Without stepping a fuck on their stuff.
Hey, calm down.
Why are you being such an asshole?
That's my question.
Why am I being an asshole?
Why would you have me here if you're not going to let me talk?

(01:30:58):
We were nice enough to invite you on the fucking pod.
If you want to do the pod your way,
then do your fucking podcast.
Yeah, your third rate comedy translates
to this fucking shitty podcast.
No, and the open mic dialogue was hilarious.
It's not supposed to be hilarious.
It's supposed to be teaching.
Teaching comedy.
We filled out everything for your writer, man.

(01:31:19):
All I asked for was silly putty, and you guys
didn't even give me that shit.
Whatever.
I'm thinking about quitting comedy anyway,
because you three seem to show up everywhere.
Well, we're going to keep showing up, buddy.
And you're always fucking walking out.
You're always looking at me.
Yeah.
But like I'm some kind of a freak just because I'm old.

(01:31:41):
Come on, man.
I'm an old soul.
That doesn't make sense.
I'm out.
Oh, OK, you're going to walk out?
Walk down in the middle of the show?
The first fucking walk out.
Come on, man.
Come fuck you.
Fuck you.
Unbelievable.

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Where's the Beef? | #ClownCollegeComedyPodcast | Ep 29 W/ Scott Curtis

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Where's the Beef? | #ClownCollegeComedyPodcast | Ep 29 W/ Scott Curtis